     s$
     $$     .d""b. .d""b.                  HOE E'ZINE #1082
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     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$ss$$            "Mavis Beacon Teaches Cyberse"
     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$                           by tamd
     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$  $$                       5/21/00
 [-- $$  $$ $$  $$ $$  $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --]
     $$  $$ "TssT" "TssT"

        For the longest time I could never understand what caused people to
 become sexually aroused by cybersex.  I had always imagined cybersex to be
 tedious and pointless.  Wouldn't it be hard to hold my penis in one hand
 and type out sexual conversations in chat with the other?  That is until
 someone recommended a program called 'Mavis Beacon Teaches Cybersex'.
  
        Hmm, well, Mavis Beacon is well known for her software that teaches
 people how to type properly, so I figured cybersex software by her could
 only enhance my experience.  I went to my local software dealer and asked
 around, but they didn't carry it.  So, I tried my luck at the flea market
 to score a bootleg version.

        I took a trip to the flea market and began my search.  The bootleg
 software dealers told me it was a hard find and recommended a booth a few
 aisles down that had a lot of older software.  I made my way across the
 market to the booth they spoke of.  Ahh, there it was!  Apparently it was
 a boxed set.  It came with a one-handed keyboard that is usually sold to
 flipper kids and vets who only have one functional arm.  It was a deal,
 too, only 4 dollars!  The previous owner must've gotten a lot of use out of
 it, because the keys seemed to stick a little.  I purchased it nonetheless,
 since finding another copy may be quite difficult.

        When I got home, I popped the disks in and did a quick virus scan.
 I didn't want to catch some cyber-VD.  It came out clean, the previous
 owner must've had one of those keyboard covers or something.  I proceed to
 boot up the program.

        The Mavis Beacon logo pops up and I hear the welcome sound:

        *DING -- Welcome to Mavis Beacon Teaches Cybersex!*

        My learning was about to begin!  Until this point, I had never
 realized Mavis had such a hot body until I had seen her in that skimpy
 school teacher outfit.

        The menu popped up and gave me the following options:

 ---------------------
 Begin Tutor

 Options

 About

 Quit
 ---------------------

        I selected "begin", and pressed enter.  The tutor began:

 ---------------------

 Please type in your response as fast as possible to the following
 statements:

 <HotGuy42> Hey, I'm a hot sexy guy.. want to cyber?
 :

 ---------------------

        I thought to myself, "Hmm, I wonder if this is a trick... what
 should I write?".  Then a second response came in.

 ---------------------

 <HotGuy42> Are you there?
 :

  ---------------------

        I had to respond, I didn't want to fail on my first try.

 ---------------------

 <HotGuy42> Are you there?
 : I am male. And am not gay, try someone else.

 ---------------------

        At that point the program kicked me out and told me to adjust the
 options.  So I did so.  Apparently the previous owner was a homosexual
 and had the Kink-o-meter set to maximum anal penetration, with the
 foreign objects and no lube flags turned on.  I definitely needed to
 adjust those.  So, I turned off gay mode, lowered the kink-o-meter, and
 fixed the options, so I could have a gentle first experience.  At that
 point, I returned to the tutor.

 ---------------------

 <Jen64032> Hi! Want to cyber?
 :

 ---------------------

        That seemed much better.  The tutor was running smooth and gay-free.
 So I typed my response.

 ---------------------

 <Jen64032> Hi! Want to cyber?
 : Sure!

 ---------------------

        At that point Mavis popped up with a message; damn she looks good.

 ---------------------

 Mavis:
                              **** WARNING! ****

        When attempting to cybersex a female, make sure you find out her
        age.  You are not supposed to cybersex young children.  Doing so
        may land you in jail.

 ---------------------

        I then proceeded to rephrase the response, I even molded it to fit
 the format I had seen on IRC many times before.

 ---------------------

 <Jen64032> Hi! Want to cyber?
 : a/s/l/h/w/dob/vd?

 ---------------------

  WHOO-HOO! I just received 100 extra points. 

 ---------------------

 <Jen64032> 19/f/Phoenix/5'4"/115lbs/04-23-81/no
 : You sound sexy.

 ---------------------

        +15pts!!

 ---------------------

 <Jen64032> What about you?
 : 20/m/phoenix also!

 ---------------------

        I figured that if I lie a little, I can get farther.  It works
 in real life.
  
        +50pts!

 ---------------------

 <Jen64032> WOW! THAT'S COOL!
 : yes, i know..                              [ no points. ]
 <Jen64032> *gets closer*
 : *puts arm around Jen64032*                 [2 pts! (what a rip-off)]
 <Jen64032> ohh I like that.
 : *I unzip my pants and pull out my penis*

 ---------------------

 Mavis:

	Be careful when you decide to make your move sexually, you do
 not want to make your cyber-partner feel threatened.

 ---------------------

        Why did I have to be cybersexing this Jen girl, I wanted to cybersex
 that slutty Mavis woman, he constant interruptions and that outfit she
 wears is so demanding. 

 ---------------------

 <Jen64032> MMMMMM...  I like a guy who knows what I want.
 : *slowly unbuttons your shirt*
 <Jen64032> Yes, take a look at these...
 <Jen64032> *unfastens bra*
 : You have very nice breasts.. 
 : *holds your breasts in his hands and licks your nipples*     [+73 pts!]
 <Jen64032> I like that.                                         
 : *continues to suckle on nipples as I unbutton your pants*    [+120pts!]

 ---------------------

 Mavis:

        Good Job!  Multitasking during cybersex can help keep your partners
 interest.  Keep up the good work!

 ---------------------

        Damn Mavis, what I wouldn't give to caress your voluptuous breasts
 underneath your blouse.  MMMmmmmmmm... I'll show you some multitasking
 later Mavis, maybe there is a cheat code out there to unlock a 'Cybersex
 the fuck out of Mavis Beacon Level'.

 ---------------------

 <Jen64032> Oh yes..  take off my pants....
 : *removes your pants*
 <Jen64032> *pokes you in the eye with his large cock!*
 <Jen64032> I am a guy you idiot! Bet you feel pretty stupid, don't you?
 <Jen64032> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
 <Jen64032> *begins to ram his cock into your ass*
 <Jen64032> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

 ---------------------

 Mavis:

        Your lesson is complete. Most women who cybersex aren't really men
 at all, they are actually guys pretending to be women in order to get a
 good laugh at your expense next time ask for a picture. 

 ###### LESSON COMPLETE #######
 *press any key to continue*

 ---------------------

        That fucking bitch!  At that point I took the software out into the
 backyard proceeded to burn it.  What a stupid fucking bitch!  If I ever
 find Jen64032 I will kill him! GRRRRR BASTARD!@! 

        I kept the one-handed keyboard. I figure it should come to good use
 while I look at porn pages.  I wonder if there is any Mavis Beacon porn
 out there.  I'll have to find it.

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 [ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu        HOE #1082, BY TAMD - 5/21/00 ]
