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     $$     .d""b. .d""b.                  HOE E'ZINE #1094
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     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$ss$$          "Going To Hell In An Easter Basket"
     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$                      by Justin Parisi
     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$  $$                      06/14/00
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     $$  $$ "TssT" "TssT"

        It was a Thursday when I realized that most of us are going to Hell.

        I was at Wal-Mart, shopping for candy to make Easter baskets for my
 family when right in between the chocolate covered peanut butter eggs and
 jelly beans, an ominous beacon of false prophecy appeared.

        Well, it didn't exactly APPEAR, but its presence was nonetheless
 very real. It was enough to garner a gasp as if it had simply appeared out
 of nowhere. There on the shelf resting in a shiny silver plastic package
 was an object of edible, idyllic blasphemy -- a chocolate cross. Never in
 my wildest dreams would I ever expect to see the symbol of all that is
 holy (at least in the Christian sense of the word) molded from cocoa,
 xanthan gum and sugar.

        Now, I may be old-fashioned, but doesn't that seem just a tad bit
 wrong? We've all seen plastic crosses, even a ceramic Jesus or two and
 rainbow colored rosaries, but isn't a confectionery crucifix taking it a
 bit far? What's next? Jesus wearing a Santa hat? The Easter bunny being
 crucified?

        And whatever happened to the so-called wholesome family values that
 Wal-Mart represents? Is it more right to sell CD's without the "cuss words"
 than it is to merchandise sacrilege? I bet ol' Sam Walton is rolling over
 in his grave.

        Wal-Mart has probably managed to offend both Christians and
 non-Christians alike. Christians would be appalled for obvious reasons,
 while non-Christians could claim that Wal-Mart is ruining the "spirit" of
 the holiday by reminding everyone that Easter isn't all about chocolate
 bunnies. Worse yet, Wal-Mart was able to offend me, someone who cannot be
 offended. That alone screams for a nationwide recall of these tasty
 trinkets of the trinity.

        The sad part about the whole thing is that there is an inherent
 element of truth. It reminds me of the Simpsons' Easter special, where the
 opening shot featured a church with the message board outside saying,
 "Christ dyed his eggs for your sins." Easter, it seems, as well as other
 holidays, has become a veritable laughingstock.

        Holidays are no longer the "Holy Days" they were intended to be.

        Sure, people still go to church and a few of them even know what the
 holidays are all about. But as soon as the church bells toll, it's off to
 the races-of to unwrap presents or munch on their chocolate crosses.

        For proof of this notion, just pay attention to of people's actions
 next Christmas. Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Christ, a time
 where Christians rejoice and sing His praises.

        Well, at least it looked good on paper. Instead, the season to be
 holy is the season to be jolly. I guess that meaning got lost somewhere in
 the translation.

        Instead of practicing brotherly love at Christmas, people, sometimes
 literally, kill each other to finish their shopping. They are worshipping
 false idols in the forms of Christmas trees and gifts wrapped in shiny
 paper. Little plastic angels are stuck on top of the trees because they're
 "pretty" not because they bring news of the birth of Christ, our Savior.
 At Easter, baskets and bunnies replace the trees and presents as items of
 worship. Candy is eaten in place of communion.

        The scene reminds me of the movie "The Ten Commandments," when Moses
 goes to the Mount to speak to God. He is gone for a while and his people
 get restless and begin to doubt the faith. So they start to party and
 build a golden calf to worship.

        They indulge their primitive desires and when Moses returns, he is
 pissed. If Moses lived today, particularly during the months of December
 and April, he'd probably quit his job and retire.

        Now, I'm not preaching here, because I'd be the first to point out
 the fallacies of the Christian religion. What I am saying, is that holidays
 need reform because the whole plight of the system stinks to high Heaven.
 It's almost as if non-Christians felt left out of the whole holiday circle
 and decided to make their own celebrations. The Christians, with their
 weakness to temptation exposed, decided that, "Hey! That looks like more
 fun than our crummy celebrations!" And the notion stuck.

        Even the minor holidays are being corrupted. Valentine's Day and
 St. Patrick's Day, were once celebrations of the saints for whom they are
 named, are now cluttered by cupids and leprechauns.

        Look at Halloween, one of the few uncorrupted holidays. Uncorrupted,
 that is, because the meaning and celebrations have not changed for
 centuries. Halloween is a pagan holiday in which people dress as ghosts
 and demons so that the real ghosts and demons will be fooled into not
 dragging them off to Hell. The candy involved is probably the only element
 that is a bit off, since I don't think that Hershey bars existed in the
 16th century.

        However, the candy is key. Candy is a common bond for all holidays
 and Christians should be alarmed that a pagan holiday like Halloween is
 using a tactic similar to Christian holidays like Christmas and Easter.

        In fact, I once met a family that was.

        I was trick-or-treating a while back, when I was about 13 and I came
 to a house and knocked on the door. Two kids answered and I said "trick or
 treat!" The kids looked at me and said, "We're sorry, but we don't believe
 in Halloween."

        Yes, I was miffed then, but looking back, perhaps that was the best
 holiday experience I ever had: two children were keeping within their
 beliefs by not caving in to the societal pull of popular holidays.

        So should we eliminate holidays? Of course not. They're positive
 things when their meanings are kept intact. It's nice to get a day of
 independence on July 4th, or spend time with family on Labor Day, or to
 take time out to remember fallen soldiers. But the holidays should be
 observed for what they essentially are-days with meaning.

        For those without days of meaning, let's make a new holiday, where
 costumes, candy and chocolate bunnies are the focus. Call it
 "Confectioner's Fun Day" and have it three times a year. You could hold it
 on Pleasure Island and celebrate it with Disney and Pinocchio.

        Just stop making chocolate crosses. Otherwise, you'd better ask to
 be buried in Bermuda shorts because it's gonna be hot where you're going.

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 [ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu   #1094, BY JUSTIN PARISI - 6/14/00 ]
