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Date: Sat, 30 Mar 1996 19:03:00 EST
From: TVXN53C@prodigy.com (MISS LUCY ROCHETTI)
X-Mailer: PRODIGY Services Company Internet mailer [PIM 3.2-086.45]
Message-Id: <097.04801225.TVXN53C@prodigy.com>
To: jawells@crl.com
Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL
Status: RO
X-Status: 

Jason,
  one of my friends sent me this little piece about the game of 
football and I thought it would be neat to have some fun with it. For 
some reason as I read it, it totally reminded me of Jessica Roberts. 
Maybe we ought to put that in the PUB next year. Enjoy!! Lucy


<< Start of Forwarded message via prodigy (R) mail >>

From:	 (GZXT34A) SUSAN WACHOWSKI
Subject:	 Fwd: FOOTBALL
Date:	 03/27
Time:	 10:00 PM

-- [ From: Susan Wachowski * EMC.Ver #2.10P ] --
 Expanded recipient data:
 To:   Kim                      \ MCI Mail:    (586-6591)
 To:   ANYA                     \ Internet:    (aplotkin@tasis.com)
 To:   ALICIA                   \ Internet:    (nanna41@oneonta.edu)


------- FORWARD, Original message follows -------

> Date: Tuesday, 26-Mar-96 03:33 PM
> 
> From: GABBY                    \ PRODIGY:     (KXGZ07A)
> To:   Sarah Fouts              \ PRODIGY:     (TGBX45C)
> To:   Susan Wachowski          \ PRODIGY:     (GZXT34A)
> To:   TRISHANN                 \ PRODIGY:     (GNJJ24C)
> 
> Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL
> 
> this is actually pretty creative.
> =)
> 
> 
> << Start of Forwarded message via prodigy (R) mail >>
> 
> From:    RSAbdullah@aol.com
> Subject:         Fwd: FOOTBALL
> Date:    03/26
> Time:    12:51 PM
> 
> Date:     Sun, 24 Mar 1996 23:51:21 -0500
> From:     RSAbdullah@aol.com  [RSAbdullah@aol.com]
> Subject:  Fwd: FOOTBALL
> 
> ---------------------
> Forwarded message:
> From:   caesar@connect.net (Ceez)
> To:     hoque66@wharton.upenn.edu (Abeer), syzygy@eng.umd.edu (Amin 

> Eggdude),
> usi@haven.ios.com (Asif Ahmed), fahmed@usc.edu (Famin),
> fhussain@lib.law.du.edu (Farheen), L0A7924@VMS2.tamu.edu (Leana 
> Ahmed),
> lisa@ssl.umd.edu (Lisa Hossaini), mchowdhu@acs.ucalgary.ca (Meena 
> Chowdhury),
> saminac@hp-mpg.an.hp.com (Mita Choudhury), mukitbyf@aol.com (Mukit 

> Nana),
> mchoudhury@novatel.ca (Mushtaq), MSBS.NEUSUFZA@capital.ge.com 
(Nurul
> Eusufzai), Rkabdullah@aol.com (Rash), gra5036@msu.oscs.montana.edu 

> (Rashed),
> RSAbdullah@aol.com (Russell), KXQM@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU (Russell 
> Abdullah),
> Syani3@aol.com (Sania Hasnath), s_hanna@alcor.concordia.ca (Shahed),

> sufiya@cs.mcgill.ca (Shampa), hussain@bsc.eds.com (Shanta Hussain),

> sharmin@tiac.net (Sharmin Hakim), shoork@sas.upenn.edu (Shoor),
> haque@ee.mcgill.ca (Shumon), bw37@musicb.mcgill.ca (Shyla), sy@wrs.

> com (Si),
> pan@acs.bu.edu (Suez Canal), suzan_a@alcor.concordia.ca (Suzana 
Jhumi 
> Alam),
> khanm@utdallas.edu (Tariq), saiful@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (Utshob),
> Zannat.reza@utoronto.ca (Zannat Reza), xcalibur@ritz.mordor.com 
> (Arthur),
> kasperc@stm.com (Chris Kasper), edwards@stm.com (Dave Edwards),
> drekmann@stm.com (Dennis Drekmann), larsonk@stm.com (Kim Larson),
> sewell@stm.com (Lance), 295574@xavier.xu.edu (Paul), patelp@stm.
com
> (Pushman), richardw@stm.com (Richard Wiltshire), smpatel@lobby.ti.
> com
> (Sawrin), BOGGESS@xavier.xu.edu (Sean), early@mscd.edu (Steve 
Early),
> 
> zmehta@post.cis.smu.edu (Zubeman)
> Date: 96-03-22 01:52:19 EST
> 
> 
> Do you remember junior high and High school? Do you remember 
talking
> about 'the bases' with your friends?...Well forget em!! This is 
> *FOOTBALL*
> With the all new standardized guide to football, you can forget any 

> of the
> previous complications of having to remember the difference between 

> second
> and third base and all that other shit. And you wonder why there is 

> a
> strike in baseball and not football. Quite simply, baseball is a 
> boring,
> confusing  and often ambiguous game, especially when trying to 
> compare it
> to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the soul 
> purpose
> of understanding where you and your friends are at. Basically the 
> game of
> football is one big sex metaphor. No one has discovered this yet, 
but 
> as
> you will soon see, the complications of modern romance  are easily 

> solved
> using The Original Handbook Of Football.
> 
>  
_____________________________________________________________________


> _____
> 
>    WHERE YOU ARE ON THE PLAYING FEILD (if your not on the feild, 
get  on)
> 
>  your    10 yard line ............. holding hands
> 
>  your    20 yard line ............. hugging
> 
>  your    30 yard line ............. kiss on the cheek
> 
>  your    40 yard line ............. kiss on the lips
> 
>              MIDFEILD ............. toungue kissing(your in 
serious
>                                     territory)
> 
>  his/her 40 yard line ............. shirt and bra off
> 
>  his/her 30 yard line ............. all clothes off
> 
>  his/her 20 yard line ............. ORAL SEX (getting or giving)
> 
>          1ST AND GOAL ............. put on the condom
> 
>             GOAL LINE ............. TOUCHDOWN (SEXUAL INTERCOURSE)
> 
> 
>  NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON THE FEILD HERE ARE SOME  
IMPORTANT
>  DEFINITIONS TO HELP YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT THERE.
> 
>  kickoff...................making the first move (asking for a 
date)
>  kicking it deep...........Asking out a virgin (you'll be starting  
out
> deep
>                            in your own end)
>  on-side kick..............Asking out a slut (starting near 
midfeild,  On
>                            side kicks are good if they work but are 

> risky)
>  kick return...............How far you get on the first date
> 
>  NOW THAT YOU'VE ASKED HER OUT AND WENT ON THE FIRST DATE THE 
KICKOFF  IS
>  OVER AND THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS, HERE'S SOME MORE DEFINITIONS FOR 
 YOU.
> 
>  Downs.....................An attempt to get more yards(get further 
 with
>                            her, Here in Canada you get two downs 
and 
> then
>                            you best kick it. ask out a new girl 
cause you
>                            ain't getting further with this one. 
Americans
>                            are more patient, they get three downs 
before
>                            they should kick again.
>  Running the Ball..........Taking it one yard at a time.
>  Passing Play..............Skipping stages
> 
>  OH OH
> 
>  Fumble....................Impotence
>  Fumble Recovery...........Regain erection
>  Interception..............Homosexuality (YOUR GOING THE OTHER  
WAY!!)
> 
>  OTHER DEFINITIONS
> 
>  Turnover..................Anal sex
>  Field Goal................One of you orgasm, 3pts (Field goal 
range 
> begins
>                            around their 30, when the clothes are 
> off!)
>  Touchdown.................Mutual orgasm, 6pts
>  Extra Point...............The smoke afterwards
>  Two Point Conversion......Smoke and a Phone number
>  High Scoring Game.........Multiple Orgasms
>  Rain Delay................Parents/Roommate comes home
>  Pile Up...................ORGY
>  Missed Feild Goal.........Wide right,Wide left or even worse, to  
short!
>  3RD down and inches.......Call for a measurement (Move those  
Yardsticks)
> 
> 
>  THE OFFENSE
> 
>  Quarterback...............The most important position, the  
missionary
>  Quarterback Sneak.........Unusual positions
>  Center(HUPPER)............Doggie Style
>  Running Back..............A hand-off
>  Tight End.................Self Explanatory
>  Wide Receiver.............Opposite of Tight End
>  Nose Tackle...............(Use Your Imagination)
> 
> 
>  DEFENSE (Becoming more and more important these days)
> 
>  Defensive Line............Condom
>  Break in the defence......Condom breaks
>  The Safety................The Pill (just to be safe)
>  A Blitz...................A "Quickie"
> 
> 
>  PENALTIES
> 
>  Roughing..................S & M
>  Holding...................Handcuffs or Restraints
>  Offside...................Premature Ejaculation
> 
>   THE BOWLS
> 
>  Rose Bowl.................Romantic sex (MAKING LOVE)
>  Citrus Bowl...............Healthy or Safe Sex
>  Peach Bowl................Juicy/Wet Sex
>  Fiesta Bowl...............Sex in South America
>  Superbowl.................Marriage (The Big Dance)
> 
> 
>  SO NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE FIELD AND ALL THE DEFINITIONS YOU CAN SEE 
 HOW
> TO
>  USE THEM, HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW USEFULL THE ORIGINAL  
HANDBOOK OF
>  FOOTBALL REALLY IS.
> 
>  1. There was an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver 
 but
>     it turned out to be a tight end so there was a turnover.
> 
>  2. Their was a deep kickoff with no return. I ran the ball to mid- 
field
> but
>     then decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't 
 work
>     because of a fumble. On the next down a running back took it to 
 their
> 10
>     yard line. With 1ST and goal, the action moved from the Hupper 
to  the
>     Quarterback who did a Quarter back sneak. The game turned out 
to  be
> the
>     highest scoring Fiesta Bowl ever!!!
> 
>  3. I was Roughed in the massive pileup.
> 
>  4. It was third down and inches on the 20 Yard line but on the 
field 
> goal
>     attempt I was short.
> 
> 
>  I HOPE YOU HAVE ENJOYED OUR JOURNEY THROUGH THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK  
OF
>  FOOTBALL AND YOU HAVE NOT ONLY HAD A CHUCKLE BUT WILL PASS IT ON 
TO  AS
>  MANY PEOPLE AS YOU KNOW SO THAT ONE DAY THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF
>  FOOTBALL WILL REPLACE THE OLD, OUTDATED, INEFFICIENT, NO LONGER  
FUNNY
>  STANDARDIZED GUIDE TO THE BASES.
> 
> 
> -+*&%$%&*+-+*&%$%&*+-+*&%$%&*+-+*&%$%&*+-+*&%$%&*+-+*&%$%&*+-
> +*&%$%&*+-
> 
>  Caesar Abedin                  Love remains a secret when spoken
>  caesar@connect.net                  for only a lover truly knows  
that
>  http://www.connect.net/caesar             he is loved.  - R. 
Tagore
> 
>                Sex is just a sublimation of the math urge.
> 
> 03/22/96
> 
> 
>  -------- Original message header follows --------
> From @VM.MARIST.EDU:KXQT@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU  Mon Mar 25 12:51:55 
1996 
>  [PIM 3.2-030.47]
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> 23:48:21
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> V2R3) with TCP;
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> Received: by mail06.mail.aol.com (8.6.12/8.6.12) id XAA17256; Sun,
>  24 Mar 1996 23:51:21 -0500
> Date: Sun, 24 Mar 1996 23:51:21 -0500
> From: RSAbdullah@aol.com
> Message-ID: <960324235117_177000949@mail06>
> To: AlKtraZ@aol.com, PsnChckn@aol.com, sgg6994@siena.edu,
>         sbjones@acsu.buffalo.edu, jc99@uno.cc.geneseo.edu, 
> smb0585@siena.edu,
>         JD307@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU, KXQS@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU,
>         KXQT@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU, KXQQ@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU, brie4@mhv.
 net,
>         KXQV@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU, KXQP@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU, 
> DanJohnM@aol.com
> Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL
> 
>  --------------   End of message   ---------------
> 
> 
> 
> << End of Forwarded message >>

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