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humor/101nos.txt
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101 EASY WAYS TO SAY NO
I'd love to, but...
1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 the President said he might drop in.
5 the man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 it's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 there's a disturbance in the Force.
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 my crayons all melted together.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24 my patent is pending.
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I'm being deported.
30 the grunion are running.
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 my plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42 it's too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 my subconscious says no.
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 the last time I went, I never came back.
48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50 none of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My
Refrigerator."
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named
Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put
it down.
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 there are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
73 my bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 you know how we psychos are.
78 my favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I'm going to be old someday.
81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 my uncle escaped again.
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking
for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 my palm reader advised against it.
95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I'm trying to cut down.
101 ... well, maybe.

humor/1988.hilite
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THE MOST IMPORTANT EVENTS OF 1988
Reprinted from the San Francisco Sunday Examiner and Chronicle
Nearly one in three American adults queried by the National
Science Foundation said the sun revolves around the earth.
In another survey, youngsters between 8 and 12 were able to
name more brands of alcoholic beverages than former presidents.
One 11-year-old boy who named eight brands of beer and wine
said there are 16 inches in a foot.
A gerbil was elected president of the student union at the
University of East Anglia in England.
An animal rights group bought seven lobsters from a Chinese
restaurant in Maryland and flew them to Maine, where a Coast
Guard boat took them back to the ocean.
The president of New England's largest electric utility was
killed by lightning.
Two men in Sierra Leone dug up a 307-carat diamond--one of the
largest ever found--and then broke it into three pieces while
arguing over whether it was really a diamond.
Rhode Island's Small Businessman of the Year was indicted on
federal charges of racketeering and illegally dumping hazardous
waste.
On her tour of America, Queen Silvia of Sweden asked heart
surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey why Americans are so fat.
A bystander watching a despondent man prepare to leap to his
death from a bridge above the Los Angeles River approached the
jumper to ask for his car since "you're not going to need it
any more."
More than 20 Little Leaguers in St. Petersburg, Fla., quit the
organization in disgust after watching continuous brawls among
their father-coaches.
President Reagan commissioned a Salt Lake City firm to create a
jelly-bean-flavoured ice cream.
The White House proclaimed October as National AIDS Awareness
Month on November 1.
The Department of Education refused to fund a Holocaust
education programme for public schools because the curriculum
did not take into account the Nazi and Ku Klux Klan points of
view.
In confirming that Nancy Reagan consults an astrologer to shape
the president's appointment schedule, a White House aide said
Reagan approved of the practice, but wanted it "kept very, very
secret because he feared the public might misunderstand.
In a speech at the College of Southern Idaho, President-elect
Bush said of Reagan: "I'm proud to be his partner. We've had
triumphs. We've made mistakes. We've had sex." Bush later
said he meant to say "setbacks."
Mother Jones magazine revealed that Reagan, who has opposed
laws guaranteeing safer meat, keeps a private herd of
organically-fed, hormone-free cattle near his Santa Barbara
ranch from which his table-meat is drawn.
A Toronto man was found not guilty of killing his mother-in-law
when the jury accepted the defense theory that he drove 14
miles to her house, hit her with an iron bar and stabbed her
while sleepwalking.
In San Jose, Calif., a woman was jailed for refusing to clear
her small two-bedroom home of 25 tons of rotting, rat-infested
garbage. Members of the woman's family said she hated to throw
trash away because, "in the future, she might be able to use it
for something else."
A San Antonio man arrested for hiring an assassin to slay Mayor
Henry Cisneros said he believed the U. S. constitution gave him
the right to kill the city's mayor if his policies were
unsound.
A judge in Santa Ana, Calif., levied a $58 fine against a
driver for a mortuary transport service who failed to convince
the court that four frozen cadavers in his van were legal car-
pool passengers.
A ten-year-old Tucson boy stole his mother's car and drove it
65 miles to the Mexican border where he tried to sell it.
A Houston man, paralyzed from the neck down, killed his wife by
mounting a pistol on his wheelchair and pulling the trigger by
tugging on a string held in his mouth.
A Denver man, dissatisfied with the haircut he had just
received--a total scalp-shave that left a bloody three-inch
scar on the back of his head--returned to the salon and killed
the barber.
In Ottawa, a man killed 22 neighborhood house cats, telling
police he was distraught because his own cat had rejected him.
A jury in San Luis Obispo, Calif., awarded $6 million in
damages to a woman whose jealous ex-husband, a gynecologist,
sewed her vagina shut while she was undergoing a hysterectomy
performed by another doctor. Meanwhile, in Hong King, a woman
went to jail after cutting off the tip of her sleeping
husband's penis with a pair of scissors and flushing it down
the toilet. In both cases, the perpetrators were convinced
their victims had been seeing other people.
A spokesman for the California Board of Dental Examiners
revealed the board's enforcement personnel carry guns because
"There are some dentists out there who have a criminal kind of
leaning."
Herbert Connolly of Newton, Mass., got to the polls minutes
late on Election Day and was unable to cast his ballot. He
lost his seat on the Massachusetts Governor's Council by one
vote.
The FBI said it had conducted six years of surveillance on a
17-year-old New Jersey student ever since, as a sixth-grader,
he wrote to the Soviet Union asking for scientific information
for a school project.
The city of Honolulu paid $100,000 to a man who had been forced
by two police officers to bob for toads in a drainage ditch.
The Centers for Disease Control gave Baltimore a $48,000 grant
to scoop up used condoms at a sewer treatment plant to count
how many city residents use "safe sex" measures.
Michelle Corwin, San Francisco's registrar of voters, quit
abruptly three weeks before November's election, which featured
the longest ballot in the city's history. An "astonished"
Chief Administrative Officer Rudy Nothenberg said, "Her letter
indicated that, since she was planning to leave in January and
because there was a lot of unpleasant work to be done between
now and then, she would just leave now and save herself the
trouble."
Media mogul Rupert Murdoch, whose Fox Television Network was
presenting "The Late Show" hosted by comedian Arsenio Hall, was
approached by Hall in the parking lot of a Los Angeles
restaurant. Murdoch handed Hall his valet parking stub and
said, "It's the green Jaguar."
Giving new meaning to the term "white sale," a chain store in
Newark was found to have a memo posted by the cash register
that read: "If any black person returns any sheet sets, deny a
cash voucher or exchange or credit for any reason."
Touring Ireland, Michael Jackson refused to kiss the Blarney
Stone, saying, "No way am I going to kiss that thing. I might
get AIDS or something worse."
Nevada Gaming Control Board agents found a printing plate used
by the Imperial Palace Casino in Las Vegas to print bumper
stickers saying "Hitler Was Right." The agents also found a
private room at the casino where owner Ralph Engelstad held
private parties amidst his collection of Nazi war memorabilia.
In a TV interview, House of Representatives Republican leader
Robert Michel bemoaned the end of black-face minstrel shows,
saying, "I used to love to imitate Amos 'n Andy."
During a meeting with gay leaders in Garden Grove, Los Angeles
County, the wife of U.S. Rep. Robert Dornan yelled, "Shut up,
fag!" to a member of the audience. She later apologized,
saying she was distraught because her brother was dying of
AIDS. The brother volunteered for an HIV test arranged by the
Los Angeles Times. It was negative.
After a 19-year old black woman was found beaten to death with
the letters "KKK" carved in her body, the Kingston, N.Y.,
district attorney said, "One investigative lead we are pursuing
is that the murder may have been racially motivated."
Federal agents in New York seized 5,000 pounds of pure cocaine
and $2 million in case stuffed into bags labeled "Just Say No
To Drugs."
Mexican drug smugglers reportedly put out $30,000 contracts on
Rocky, Duko, and Barco--three narcotics-sniffing dogs working
the U.S.-Mexican border. The dogs were thereupon fitted with
bulletproof vests.
An Oakland woman was charged with assault after shooting her
16-year-old daughter because the youngster refused to sell her
$20 worth of rock cocaine.
Coors paid a six-figure settlement to an Austin, Texas, police
officer who seven years ago found the headless body of a mouse
in a bottle of Coors beer he was drinking. Since the incident,
the policeman has been unable to watch television shows with
beer commercials in them, has developed a fear of rodents that
ended his hunting career and becomes physically ill when
arresting driving-while-intoxicated suspects who have liquor on
their breath.
Los Angeles astrologer Rockie Gardiner said the planet that
rules television is Uranus.
In the ultimate answer to those who think professional
wrestling is faked, a 336-pound British grappler named Big
Daddy killed his 350-pound opponent, King Kong Kirk, by
executing his famous "splashdown" maneuver on the prostrate
Kirk during a match in Great Yarmouth. It took eight men to
lift Kirk's stretcher into the ambulance.
A 51-year-old Peoria woman went into her house, grabbed her
husband's souvenir bayonet and ran it through the head of a man
who'd dropped a beer can in her yard and refused to pick it up.
A $300 million B-1B bomber crashed, killing three crew members,
after being hit by a pelican.
A man getting a haircut in a Boston barber's chair was
paralyzed from the neck down when a carpenter working on an
adjoining building fired a high-velocity stud gun through a
wall, hitting the victim in the neck.
A 34-year-old Pontiac, Mich., man who lost an eye after a
skyrocket exploded in his face during a backyard July 4th
celebration sued his parents because, he said, they didn't have
a permit for a fireworks display and should have stopped him
from using fireworks because he was obviously drunk.
A bored pediatrician from Redlands, Calif., admitted he faked
his own attempted murder, including inserting a spent bullet
into his abdomen and burning his penis to fake a sexual attack.
The doctor burned and bruised his skin with a grinding tool,
anesthetized his head and abdomen and jammed a rod into those
areas to simulate being shot and then pushed a spent .32-
caliber projectile into his stomach. After that he burned
himself to make it appear he'd been sodomized with a flaming
object. Then he injected himself with Demerol, bound his own
legs, wrists and neck and lay down on the sidewalk, where
police found him unconscious and injured.
Because the groom "looked very feminine and was heavily made
up," a court officer in Copenhagen asked him to drop his pants
to prove he was a man before the wedding ceremony could
proceed.
A Florida woman whose appeals for public help generated
$689,000 in donations for her son's unsuccessful liver
transplants refused to pay the boy's hospital bill after his
death and allegedly spent much of the money on herself and her
boyfriend, buying jewelry, property and a BMW.
Nine days after Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda
hosted a celebration party at his restaurant for the World
Series champions, Los Angeles County health officials closed
Tommy Lasorda's Rigs & Pasta for "one of the worst rat
infestations" the health inspector had ever seen.
The widow and two children of a Knoxville, Ill., man tended his
body for eight years after his death, changing his clothing and
putting fresh sheets on his bed in the apparent belief that he
was just sick. The widow and her new boyfriend, a dentist,
told police they were using potent herbal healing techniques on
the mummified corpse.
A woman in Louisville, Ky., tried to submit as a contest entry
a display of nine dead animals--four squirrels, two opossums,
two house cats and a chicken--wired to a board in the shape of
a radio station's call letters. She was cited by the local
animal protection agency.
A defense attorney in Sonora, Calif., appealed his client's
burglary conviction on the ground that the prosecutor disrupted
the four-week trial by repeatedly passing gas. The defense
lawyer charged "misconduct" on the part of the prosecutor, who,
he said, "farted about 100 times during the trial. He even
lifted his leg." The lawyer said the tactic was particularly
disturbing to the jury during the defense's closing argument.
humor/20types
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20 Types of People You
Might Meet in the Mens Room
1. Excitable - Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2. Sociable - Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3. Crosseyed - Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4. Timid - Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back
later.
5. Indifferent - All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6. Clever - No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
7. Worried - Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8. Frivolous - Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or
bug.
9. Absent-Minded - Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10. Childish - Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to watch it bubble.
11. Sneak - Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next
urinal will get blamed.
12. Patient - Stands very close for a long time. While waiting he reads with
free hand.
13. Desperate - Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14. Tough - Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
15. Efficient - Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
16. Fat - Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
17. Little - Stands on box, falls in, and drowns.
18. Drunk - Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19. Disgruntled - Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20. Conceited - Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.
humor/21types.txt
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21 TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MEN'S ROOM!
1 EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2 SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3 CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4 TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
5 INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6 CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
7 WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8 FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or
bug.
9 ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10 CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11 SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in
next stall will get blamed.
12 PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
13 DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14 TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
15 EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
16 FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
17 LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18 DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.
19 DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20 CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.
21 RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.

humor/59insn.txt
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The Warning Signs Of InSaNiTy
---------------------------------------
1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and
then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that
you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
3. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends
you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to
relieve yourself on it.
6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of
evil dandruff spirits.
7. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
setting fire to his lawn decorations.
8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
11. You laugh out loud during funerals.
12. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
13. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
through that scuba mask.
14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going
to one day seek revenge.
15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
16. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your
little illusion.
17. You collect dead windowsill flies.
18. Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its
wings!"
19. You like cats. Especially with mayo.
20. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
21. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
22. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they
weren't rescued.
23. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
24. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
25. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
26. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the
middle of your front lawn.
27. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name
etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
28. Melba toast excites you.
29. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another
room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
30. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
31. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think
to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
32. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for
a few minutes.
33. Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
34. Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
35. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala
or to be loved by an infectious disease.
36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and
pretend that you're a stalk.
37. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
38. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
39. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a
violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
40. You like reading lists like this. :) (The Paul Richter
Special Edition Appendix)
41. You sit in your room for hours on end listening to Peter, Paul & Mary
and playing solitaire on your computer.
42. You experience periods of time when your mouth can do nothing but sing
"Mama's little baby loves short'nin', short'nin...."
43. You begin to start almost every conversation with the introduction to
_The A-Team_ theme song.
44. You spend three hours sitting on the floor cutting and pasting a
project for your COLLEGE English course, and you get
really frustrated because you can't recall
all the kindergarten-period skills that it requires.
45. You check your e-mail about six times a day, only to find that nobody
cares enough to send anything to you.
46. You believe that Quayle would actually win the 1996
presidentialelection.
47. You read Anne Sexton's poetry for twelve out of any sixteen-hour
period.
48. You read Sylvia Plath to cheer yourself up, and when that doesn't work
you pop _The Wall_ into the stereo...
49. You think Popeye's anchor tattoo would look even better on YOUR
forearm.
50. You use Speed Stick Clear Ocean Surf Deodorant for the scent.
51. You start appending a list like this, and you find yourself just going
on and on and on and on...
52. You start to repeat yourself.
53. You start to repeat yourself.
54. You start really stretching for bad jokes and cheap laughs.
55. You recognize that you are doing so.
56. You blatantly announce it.
57. You keep looking in the Rap section at Tower Records trying to find
that new M.C. Escher album.
58. Your greatest accomplishment to date in your college career is your
new-found ability to blow smoke rings.
59. You resort to mass e-mailings as your sole means of unabashedly begging
for attention.
humor/COMPUTER/1-liners.txt
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humor/COMPUTER/1984.c
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From: sources-request@mirror.tmc.com
Submitted by: amdahl!chongo (Landon Curt Noll)
Mod.sources: Volume 9, Issue 20
Archive-name: old.bad.code
[ There's been lots of bad code posted to the net in the past; time
to get some of it into the archives. :-) --r$ ]
International Obfuscated C Code Contest Winners for 1984, 1985, 1986
This is a shell archive. Remove anything before this line, then unpack
it by saving it in a file and typing "sh file".
SEE THE README FILE FOR DETAILS ABOUT THESE SOURCES
--------cut--------here---------
echo x - README
cat > "README" << '//E*O*F README//'
This shar file contains the winning entries of the International
Obfuscated C Code Contest for the years 1984 thru 1986.
Each contest starts near March 15. The official start consists of the
posting of new contest rules in:
comp.lang.c comp.unix.wizards
For those people who do not read the above mentioned groups, a short note is
also posted to mod.announce stating where the new rules have been posted.
Rules may also be obtained by sending Email to (after March 15th):
judge@nce stating where the new rules have been posted.
Rules may also be obtained by sending Email to (after March 15th):
judge@amdahl.com -or- {decwrl,sun,seismo,hplabs}!amdahl!judge
The winners below are given to serve as examples. It should be noted
that contest rules change from year to year, so some the previous winning
entries would be disqualified under some rules. Since some obfuscation
ideas get old (such as #define-ing something to death), some winning
might be eliminated in the first judging round of another year. All this can
be summed up in the phrase: "read the new rules before you submit an entry".
NOTE: You are free to distribute/use these programs as long they are not
used for profit, and as long author's name stays attached to the
source code.
Enjoy
chongo <Landon Curt Noll, chongo@amdahl.COM> /\cc/\
//E*O*F README//
echo x - 1984
cat > "1984" << '//E*O*F 1984//'
<dis>honorable mention:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
int i;main(){for(;i["]<i;++i){--i;}"];read('-'-'-',i+++"hell\
o, world!\n",'/'/'/'));}read(j,i,p){write(j/p+p,i---j,i/i);}
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
anonymous entry (too embarrassed that he/she could write such trash i guess)
Third place:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
a[900]; b;c;d=1 ;e=1;f; g;h;O; main(k,
l)char* *l;{g= atoi(* ++l); for(k=
0;k*k< g;b=k ++>>1) ;for(h= 0;h*h<=
g;++h); --h;c=( (h+=g>h *(h+1)) -1)>>1;
while(d <=g){ ++O;for (f=0;f< O&&d<=g
;++f)a[ b<<5|c] =d++,b+ =e;for( f=0;f<O
&&d<=g; ++f)a[b <<5|c]= d++,c+= e;e= -e
;}for(c =0;c<h; ++c){ for(b=0 ;b<k;++
b){if(b <k/2)a[ b<<5|c] ^=a[(k -(b+1))
<<5|c]^ =a[b<<5 |c]^=a[ (k-(b+1 ))<<5|c]
;printf( a[b<<5|c ]?"%-4d" :" " ,a[b<<5
|c]);} putchar( '\n');}} /*Mike Laman*/
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike Laman
UUCP: {ucbvax,philabs,sdccsu3,sdcsla}!sdcsvax!laman
P.S. I hope you have the C beautifier! The program accepts ONE positive
argument. Seeing is believing! Try something like "cmd 37" for an
example. <ed: also try cmd 4; cmd 9; cmd 16; cmd 25; cmd 36; ...>
Second place award:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
#defi 25; cmd 36; ...>
Second place award:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
#define x =
#define double(a,b) int
#define char k['a']
#define union static struct
extern int floor;
double (x1, y1) b,
char x {sizeof(
double(%s,%D)(*)())
,};
struct tag{int x0,*xO;}
*main(i, dup, signal) {
{
for(signal=0;*k * x * __FILE__ *i;) do {
(printf(&*"'\",x); /*\n\\", (*((double(tag,u)(*)())&floor))(i)));
goto _0;
_O: while (!(char <<x - dup)) { /*/*\*/
union tag u x{4};
}
}
while(b x 3, i); {
char x b,i;
_0:if(b&&k+
sin(signal) / * ((main) (b)-> xO));/*}
;
}
*/}}}
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By: Dave Decot hplabs!hpda!hpdsd!decot
First place award goes to:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
/* Portable between VAX11 && PDP11 */
short main[] = {
277, 04735, -4129, 25, 0, 477, 1019, 0xbef, 0, 12800,
-113, 21119, 0x52d7, -1006, -7151, 0, 0x4bc, 020004,
14880, 10541, 2056, 04010, 4548, 3044, -6716, 0x9,
4407, 6, 5568, 1, -30460, 0, 0x9, 5570, 512, -30419,
0x7e82, 0760, 6, 0, 4, 02400, 15, 0, 4, 1280, 4, 0,
4, 0, 0, 0, 0x8, 0, 4, 0, ',', 0, 12, 0, 4, 0, '#',
0, 020, 0, 4, 0, 30, 0, 026, 0, 0x6176, 120, 25712,
'p', 072163, 'r', 29303, 29801, 'e'
};
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sjoerd Mullender
Robbert van Renesse
Both @ Vrije Universiteit, Amsterdam, the Netherlands.
..!decvax!mcvax!vu44!{sjoerd,cogito}
<ed: try this on your local VAX or pdp-11>
//E*O*F 1984//
echo x - 1985
cat > "1985" << '//E*O*F 1985//'
Since people often request the previous year's winners at the start of
the contest, I include the 1985 winners below. Please keep in mind that
the rules have chanmged between 1985 and 1986.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following programs were judged good (bad? wierd?) enough to win
awards. This year, rather than trying to rank the programs in order of
obfuscatedness, we gave a single award in each of 4 categories and a
grand prize.
________________________________________________________________________
1. The most obscure program:
(submitted by Lennart Augustsson <seismo!mcvax!enea!chalmers!augustss> )
#define p struct c
#define q struct b
#define h a->a
#define i a->b
#define e i->c
#define o a=(*b->a)(b->b,b->c)
#define s return a;}q*
#define n (d,b)p*b;{q*a;p*c;
#define z(t)(t*)malloc(sizeof(t))
q{int a;p{q*(*a)();int b;p*c;}*b;};q*u n a=z(q);h=d;i=z(p);i->a=u;i->b=d+1;s
v n c=b;do o,b=i;while(!(h%d));i=c;i->a=v;i->b=d;e=b;s
w n o;c=i;i=b;i->a=w;e=z(p);e->a=v;e->b=h;e->c=c;s
t n for(;;)o,main(-h),b=i;}main(b){p*a;if(b>0)a=z(p),h=w,a->c=z(p),a->c->a=u,a->c->b=2,t(0,a);putchar(b?main(b/2),-b%2+'0':10);}
________________________________________________________________________
2. The worst abuse of the C preprocessor:
(submitted by Col. G. L. Sicherman <decvax!sunybcs!colonel> )
#define C_C_(_)~' '&_
#define _C_C(_)('\b'b'\b'>=C_C>'\t'b'\n')
#define C_C _|_
#define b *
#define C /b/
#define V _C_C(
main(C,V)
char **V;
/* C program. (If you don't
* understand it look it
*/ up.) (In the C Manual)
{
char _,__;
while (read(0,&__,1) & write((_=(_=C_C_(__),C)),
_C_,1)) _=C-V+subr(&V);
}
subr(C)
char *C;
{
C="Lint says "argument Manual isn't used." What's that
mean?"; while (write((read(C_C('"'-'/*"'/*"*/))?__:__-_+
'\b'b'\b'|((_-52)%('\b'b'\b'+C_C_('\t'b'\n'))+1),1),&_,1));
}
[ This program confused the C preprocessor so badly that it left some
comments in the preprocessed version. Also, lint DID complain that
"argument Manual isn't used". ]
________________________________________________________________________
3. The strangest appearing program:
(submitted by Ed Lycklama <decvax!cca!ima!ism780!ed> )
#define o define
#o ___o write
#o ooo (unsigned)
#o o_o_ 1
#o _o_ char
#o _oo goto
#o _oo_ read
#o o_o for
#o o_ main
#o o__ if
#o oo_ 0
#o _o(_,__,___)(void)___o(_,__,ooo(___))
#o __o (o_o_<<((o_o_<<(o_o_<<o_o_))+(o_o_<<o_o_)))+(o_o_<<(o_o_<<(o_o_<<o_o_)))
o_(){_o_ _=oo_,__,___,____[__o];_oo ______;_____:___=__o-o_o_; _______:
_o(o_o_,____,__=(_-o_o_<___?_-o_o_:___));o_o(;__;_o(o_o_,"\b",o_o_),__--);
_o(o_o_," ",o_o_);o__(--___)_oo _______;_o(o_o_,"\n",o_o_);______:o__(_=_oo_(
oo_,____,__o))_oo _____;}
[it looks like tty noise]
________________________________________________________________________
4. The best "small" program:
(submitted by Jack Applin [with help from Robert Heckendorn]
<hplabs!hp-dcd!jack> )
main(v,c)char**c;{for(v[c++]="Hello, world!\n)";(!!c)[*c]&&(v--||--c&&execlp(*c,*c,c[!!c]+!!c,!c));**c=!c)write(!!*c,*c,!!**c);}
________________________________________________________________________
5. The grand prize (most well-rounded in confusion):
(submitted by Carl Shapiro <sdcrdcf!otto!carl> )
#define P(X)j=write(1,X,1)
#define C 39
int M[5000]={2},*u=M,N[5000],R=22,a[4],l[]={0,-1,C-1,-1},m[]={1,-C,-1,C},*b=N,
*d=N,c,e,f,g,i,j,k,s;main(){for(M[i=C*R-1]=24;f|d>=b;){c=M[g=i];i=e;for(s=f=0;
s<4;s++)if((k=m[s]+g)>=0&&k<C*R&&l[s]!=k%C&&(!M[k]||!j&&c>=16!=M[k]>=16))
a[f++]=s;if(f){f=M[e=m[s=a[rand()/(1+2147483647/f)]]+g];j=j<f?f:j;f+=c&-16*!j;
M[g]=c|1<<s;M[*d++=e]=f|1<<(s+2)%4;}else e=d>b++?b[-1]:e;}P(" ");for(s=C;--s;
P("_"))P(" ");for(;P("\n"),R--;P("|"))for(e=C;e--;P("_ "+(*u++/8)%2))
P("| "+(*u/4)%2);}
[As submitted, this program was 3 lines (2 of defines and 1 of code).
To make news/mail/etc. happy we split the last line into 7. Join them
back without the newlines to get the original version]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Congratulations to the winners (and anyone else who wasted their time
creating such wierd programs).
For your own enjoyment, you can figure out what these programs do. Or
if this is too hard, compile and run them! All of these compiled and
ran on the vax. Lint was even happy with most of the entries.
//E*O*F 1985//
echo x - 1986
cat > "1986" << '//E*O*F 1986//'
1986 International Obfuscated C Code Contest Winners
We recommend that you first try to understand the program from just reading
the source. If you are still confused try sending the source through the C
Preprocessor (/lib/cpp). If you are still confused, we suggest you read the
judges comments and run each program. Last, if you are still confused then
you are not alone!
===============================================================================
Best layout:
Eric Marshall
System Development Corporation, a Burroughs Company
P.O. Box 517
Paoli, PA.
19301
[Ed: some compilers have problems with this, see Judges comments below]
sdcrdcf!burdvax!eric {sjuvax,ihnp4,akgua,cadre}!psuvax1!burdvax!eric
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
extern int
errno
;char
grrr
;main( r,
argv, argc ) int argc ,
r ; char *argv[];{int P( );
#define x int i, j,cc[4];printf(" choo choo\n" ) ;
x ;if (P( ! i ) | cc[ ! j ]
& P(j )>2 ? j : i ){* argv[i++ +!-i]
; for (i= 0;; i++ );
_exit(argv[argc- 2 / cc[1*argc]|-1<<4 ] ) ;printf("%d",P(""));}}
P ( a ) char a ; { a ; while( a > " B "
/* - by E ricM arsh all- */); }
===============================================================================
===============================================================================
Worst abuse of the C preprocessor:
Jim Hague
University of Kent at Canterbury
Canterbury, Kent
UK
..mcvax!ukc!jmh
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#define DIT (
#define DAH )
#define __DAH ++
#define DITDAH *
#define DAHDIT for
#define DIT_DAH malloc
#define DAH_DIT gets
#define _DAHDIT char
_DAHDIT _DAH_[]="ETIANMSURWDKGOHVFaLaPJBXCYZQb54a3d2f16g7c8a90l?e'b.s;i,d:"
;main DIT DAH{_DAHDIT
DITDAH _DIT,DITDAH DAH_,DITDAH DIT_,
DITDAH _DIT_,DITDAH DIT_DAH DIT
DAH,DITDAH DAH_DIT DIT DAH;DAHDIT
DIT _DIT=DIT_DAH DIT 81 DAH,DIT_=_DIT
__DAH;_DIT==DAH_DIT DIT _DIT DAH;__DIT
DIT'\n'DAH DAH DAHDIT DIT DAH_=_DIT;DITDAH
DAH_;__DIT DIT DITDAH
_DIT_?_DAH DIT DITDAH DIT_ DAH:'?'DAH,__DIT
DIT' 'DAH,DAH_ __DAH DAH DAHDIT DIT
DITDAH DIT_=2,_DIT_=_DAH_; DITDAH _DIT_&&DIT
DITDAH _DIT_!=DIT DITDAH DAH_>='a'? DITDAH
DAH_&223:DITDAH DAH_ DAH DAH; DIT
DITDAH DIT_ DAH __DAH,_DIT_ __DAH DAH
DITDAH DIT_+= DIT DITDAH _DIT_>='a'? DITDAH _DIT_-'a':0
DAH;}_DAH DIT DIT_ DAH{ __DIT DIT
DIT_>3?_DAH DIT DIT_>>1 DAH:'\0'DAH;return
DIT_&1?'-':'.';}__DIT DIT DIT_ DAH _DAHDIT
DIT_;{DIT void DAH write DIT 1,&DIT_,1 DAH;}
===============================================================================
===============================================================================
Best one liner:
Jan Stein
Chalmers Computer Society
Gothenburg
Sweden
..!mcvax!enea!chalmers!gustaf!cd-jan
[The single line has been split to avoid any problems with E-mailers]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
typedef char*z;O;o;_=33303285;main(b,Z)z Z;{b=(b>=0||(main(b+1,Z+1),
*Z=O%(o=(_%25))+'0',O/=o,_/=25))&&(b<1||(O=time(&b)%0250600,
main(~5,*(z*)Z),write(1,*(z*)Z,9)));}
===============================================================================
===============================================================================
Most adaptable program:
Jack Applin
Hewlett-Packard
Ft. Collins
Colorado
USA
hplabs!hpfcdc!jack
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
cat =13 /*/ >/dev/null 2>&1; echo "Hello, world!"; exit
*
* This program works under cc, f77, and /bin/sh.
*
*/; main() {
write(
cat-~-cat
/*,'(
*/
,"Hello, world!"
,
cat); putchar(~-~-~-cat); } /*
,)')
end
*/
===============================================================================
===============================================================================
Most useful obfuscation:
Walter Bright
<Postal address not given>
decwrl!sun!fluke!uw-beaver!entropy!dataio!bright
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#include <stdio.h>
#define O1O printf
#define OlO putchar
#define O10 exit
#define Ol0 strlen
#define QLQ fopen
#define OlQ fgetc
#define O1Q abs
#define QO0 for
typedef char lOL;
lOL*QI[] = {"Use:\012\011dump file\012","Unable to open file '\x25s'\012",
"\012"," ",""};
main(I,Il)
lOL*Il[];
{ FILE *L;
unsigned lO;
int Q,OL[' '^'0'],llO = EOF,
O=1,l=0,lll=O+O+O+l,OQ=056;
lOL*llL="%2x ";
(I != 1<<1&&(O1O(QI[0]),O10(1011-1010))),
((L = QLQ(Il[O],"r"))==0&&(O1O(QI[O],Il[O]),O10(O)));
lO = I-(O<<l<<O);
while (L-l,1)
{ QO0(Q = 0L;((Q &~(0x10-O))== l);
OL[Q++] = OlQ(L));
if (OL[0]==llO) break;
O1O("\0454x: ",lO);
if (I == (1<<1))
{ QO0(Q=Ol0(QI[O<<O<<1]);Q<Ol0(QI[0]);
Q++)O1O((OL[Q]!=llO)?llL:QI[lll],OL[Q]);/*"
O10(QI[1O])*/
O1O(QI[lll]);{}
}
QO0 (Q=0L;Q<1<<1<<1<<1<<1;Q+=Q<0100)
{ (OL[Q]!=llO)? /* 0010 10lOQ 000LQL */
((D(OL[Q])==0&&(*(OL+O1Q(Q-l))=OQ)),
OlO(OL[Q])):
OlO(1<<(1<<1<<1)<<1);
}
O1O(QI[01^10^9]);
lO+=Q+0+l;}
}
D(l) { return l>=' '&&l<='\~';
}
===============================================================================
===============================================================================
Best simple task performed in a complex way:
Bruce Holloway
Digital Research, Inc.
Monterey, CA
USA
(ucbvax!hplabs!amdahl!drivax!holloway)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#include "stdio.h"
#define e 3
#define g (e/e)
#define h ((g+e)/2)
#define f (e-g-h)
#define j (e*e-g)
#define k (j-h)
#define l(x) tab2[x]/h
#define m(n,a) ((n&(a))==(a))
long tab1[]={ 989L,5L,26L,0L,88319L,123L,0L,9367L };
int tab2[]={ 4,6,10,14,22,26,34,38,46,58,62,74,82,86 };
main(m1,s) char *s; {
int a,b,c,d,o[k],n=(int)s;
if(m1==1){ char b[2*j+f-g]; main(l(h+e)+h+e,b); printf(b); }
else switch(m1-=h){
case f:
a=(b=(c=(d=g)<<g)<<g)<<g;
return(m(n,a|c)|m(n,b)|m(n,a|d)|m(n,c|d));
case h:
for(a=f;a<j;++a)if(tab1[a]&&!(tab1[a]%((long)l(n))))return(a);
case g:
if(n<h)return(g);
if(n<j){n-=g;c='D';o[f]=h;o[g]=f;}
else{c='\r'-'\b';n-=j-g;o[f]=o[g]=g;}
if((b=n)>=e)for(b=g<<g;b<n;++b)o[b]=o[b-h]+o[b-g]+c;
return(o[b-g]%n+k-h);
default:
if(m1-=e) main(m1-g+e+h,s+g); else *(s+g)=f;
for(*s=a=f;a<e;) *s=(*s<<e)|main(h+a++,(char *)m1);
}
}
===============================================================================
===============================================================================
Best non-simple performed in a complex way:
Lennart Augustsson
Dept. of Comp. Sci.
Chalmers University of Technology,
412 96 Gothenburg
Sweden
augustss@chalmers.{uucp,csnet}
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
typedef struct n{int a:3,
b:29;struct n*c;}t;t*
f();r(){}m(u)t*u;{t*w,*z;
z=u->c,q(z),u->b=z->b*10,
w=u->c=f(),w->a=1,w->c=z->
c;}t*k;g(u)t*u;{t*z,*v,*p,
*x;z=u->c,q(z),u->b=z->b,v
=z->c,z->a=2,x=z->c=f(),x
->a=3,x->b=2,p=x->c=f(),p
->c=f(),p->c->a=1,p->c->c=
v;}int i;h(u)t*u;{t*z,*v,*
w;int c,e;z=u->c,v=z->c,q(
v),c=u->b,e=v->b,u->b=z->b
,z->a=3,z->b=c+1,e+9>=c&&(
q(z),e=z->b,u->b+=e/c,w=f(
),w->b=e%c,w->c=z->c,u->c=
w);}int(*y[4])()={r,m,g,h};
char *sbrk();main(){t*e,*p,*o;
o=f(),o->c=o,o->b=1,e=f(),
e->a=2,p=e->c=f(),p->b=2,
p->c=o,q(e),e=e->c,(void)write
(1,"2.",2);for(;;e=e->c){q(e),
e->b=write(1,&e->b["0123456789"],
1);}}t*f(){return i||(i=1000,
k=(t*)sbrk(i*sizeof(t))),k+--i;
}q(p)t*p;{(*y[p->a])(p);}
===============================================================================
===============================================================================
Most illegible code:
Michael H. Pawka
Naval Ocean Systems Center
San Diego, Ca
92152
DDN - PAWKA@NOSC-TECR.ARPA
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#include "stdio.h"
#define xyxx char
#define xyyxx putchar
#define xyyyxx while
#define xxyyyx int
#define xxxyyx main
#define xyxyxy if
#define xyyxyy '\n'
xyxx *xyx [] = {
"]I^x[I]k\\I^o[IZ~\\IZ~[I^|[I^l[I^j[I^}[I^n[I]m\\I]h",
"]IZx\\IZx[IZk\\IZk[IZo_IZ~\\IZ~[IZ|_IZl_IZj\\IZj]IZ}]IZn_IZm\\IZm_IZh",
"]IZx\\IZx[I^k[I\\o]IZ~\\IZ~\\I]|[IZl_I^j]IZ}]I^n[IZm\\IZm_IZh",
"]IZx\\IZx[IZk\\IZk[IZo_IZ~\\IZ~_IZ|[IZl_IZj\\IZj]IZ}]IZn_IZm\\IZm]IZh",
"]I^x[I]k\\IZo_I^~[I^|[I^l[IZj\\IZj]IZ}]I^n[I]m^IZh",'\0'};/*xyyxyxyxxxyxxxyy*/
xyxx *xyyx; xxyyyx xyyyx,xyyyyx,xyyyyyx=0x59,xyyyyyyx=0x29,/*yxxyxyyyxxyyyxyy*/
xxyx=0x68;xxxyyx(){xyyyyx=0;xyyyxx(xyx[xyyyyx]){xyyx=xyx[xyyyyx++];/*xyyyxxyx*/
xyyyxx(*xyyx){xyyyx= *xyyx++-xyyyyyx;xyyyxx(xyyyx--)xyyxx(*xyyx-xyyyyyyx);/*x*/
xyxyxy(*xyyx==xxyx)xyyxx(xyyxyy);*xyyx++;}}}/*xyxyxyyyyxxyxxxyyyxyyyxyxxyyy*/
===============================================================================
===============================================================================
The grand prize (most well-rounded in confusion):
Larry Wall
System Development Corporation
Santa Monica
California
US of A
[ed: modified to run on Sys V, see comments below]
{allegra,burdvax,cbosgd,hplabs,ihnp4,sdcsvax}!sdcrdcf!lwall
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
#define _c(C)_ (C)&('|'+3):c_()(C)>>('\n'-3) __; /**/
#define C char*
#define keyboard ",,B3-u;.(&*5., /(b*(1\036!a%\031m,,,,,\r\n"
#define main(o,oo)oo(o){
#define _ ;case
C
#define c_(cc)c cc=
#define C_(sand)_O(sand)witch
o=keyboard;
#define __ ;break;
C
ccc(
cc)
C
cc;
{
C
cccc=
cc;int
#ifndef lint
#define keyboard "dijs QH.soav Vdtnsaoh DmfpaksoQz;kkt oa, -dijs"
#endif
c;
main(;c_(=(*cc);*cc++)c,for);
#define _O(s)s
main(0xb+(c>>5),C_(s))
_'\v'
:__ _'\f':
main(c,C_(s));
_c(8098)_c(6055)_c(14779)_c(10682)
#define O_(O)_O(O)stem(ccc(
_c(15276)_c(11196)_c(15150)
#define _C ;return
humor/COMPUTER/1st.bug
+26
View File
@@ -0,0 +1,26 @@
Date: 23 Aug 1981 05:38:25-PDT
From: ARPAVAX.sjk at Berkeley
To: i:unix-wizards@sri-unix
Subject: entomology
Via: Berkeley.ArpaNet; 23 Aug 81 6:15-PDT
>From network Fri Aug 21 19:43:17 1981
Subject: origin of bug
Newsgroups: msgs
Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of
Long Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school
administrators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug -- a moth.
At Harvard one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working
on the "granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going
badly; there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long
glass-enclosed computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the
trouble spot and, using ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch
moth. From then on, when anything went wrong with a computer, we said it
had bugs in it." Hopper said that when the veracity of her story was
questioned recently, "I referred them to my 1945 log book, now in the
collection of Naval Surface Weapons Center, and they found the remains of
that moth taped to the page in question."
humor/COMPUTER/2genesis.txt
+114
View File
@@ -0,0 +1,114 @@
2 Genesis
by
Matt Giwer (c) 1994
"All of the files in this system you may access but of the
of the root of the tree of files you shall not access else thy
access shall be cut off."
Scholars are still unclear as to the meaning of the word
access. Some hold it is a variation upon the word excess meaning
man at one time was able to lead a life of "access" without
health consequences.
"And the hacker on the monitor and told the woman if you
access the root of the tree of files your access will not be cut
off but you will become like the gods knowing all the files and
having unlimited access."
Scholars are general agreement the hacker is one of a class
of impish spirits worshiped by the ancients and that the monitor
was rectangular device of glass and plastic to aid in worship
which the faithful would watch for hours at a time.
They are divided as to why a hacker would appear on a
monitor as hackers are generally believed to have been quite
independent spirits.
"The woman reached out her hands and accessed the root of
the tree of files and read of the files and found it enticing for
the wisdom it could give. She gave access to her husband and he
read of the wisdom. And their eyes were opened and they realized
how little they knew of the system. And they were ashamed and
they began to read fine[a] manuals."
This is commonly held to be the story of the beginning of
the systematic acquisition of knowledge by the human race with
the access to easy knowledge and help being cut off below.
"And they hear Sysop God walking through the halls and they
hid from Sysop God among the terminals. But Sysop God called to
the User 'Where are you?' he asked. 'I found the logs of you in
the root.'"
There is a confusion here where the value of access to the
root appears to be the files of the tree yet Sysop God refers to
logs which are the product of a cut down tree.
"And the User replied, 'I heard you in the halls and I was
afraid because of was so ignorant of the system.' 'Have you been
reading of the files of the access of root?' And the User said,
'the woman put me up to it.' And the woman said, 'The hacker put
me up to it.' And Sysop God said, 'Even Hewlett-Packard has
dropped daisy-chaining.' But the User did not understand as he
had not read the manual."
The following are the curses put upon the participants.
"To the hacker he said, 'Cursed will be you in the media.
No man shall ever understand you and you shall be blamed for
every system failure until the end of time. Hatred shall be upon
your head and the public shall fear you.' But the hacker was a
wily beast and parlayed this curse into a living."
The hacker had once been the most esteemed of spirits
esteemed for his knowledge and wisdom in all matters. The hacker
was believed to possess the ability to perform minor miracles.
After this curse the image of the hacker changes to that of a
dangerous spirit that is the bane of mankind.
"To the woman he said, 'Henceforth you will depend upon the
User for your knowledge of the computer and you will suffer his
preoccupation with it. In pain will you discover his new
hardware.'"
The woman had once been an equal the User having equal
access with him. After this curse she is dependent upon him and
his power over her will prevent her access to the terminal.
"To the User he said, 'Your system access shall be cut off
forever and you shall learn only by reading the manuals. You
shall learn everything on your own. F1 shall never work for you
again.'"
**
The User no long has any system access and suffers the curse
of the manuals. Scholars believe F1 may be a short term or an
incorrectly transcribed reference the the "fi" in "fine," noting
of course the translation of fine is in dispute.
"And Sysop God said, 'Now that the man has become like us[b]
with knowledge of the root he must not be allowed to reach out
his hands and access the internet and deal with us Sysop Gods as
equals.'"
This appears to be the ultimate fear of Sysop God that the
User would have direct access to the other gods.
"He banished them from system access forever setting
Passwords and File Protects to prevent his access."
The exact nature of Passwords and File Protects is
uncertain. In Exodus we find two File Protects mounted on the
golden box protecting the ten sacred disks given to Norton on
the Mountain.
-!---
[a] Translation of this word is strongly disputed.
[b] Some scholars translate this word as su rather than us given
the contemporary documents refering to su root.
humor/COMPUTER/300bps.txt
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1-Put it under a door and you have a Door Stop
2-Attach a stick and you have a Snow Plow
3-Put it on a shelf and you have a Book End
4-Put it on top of some papers and you have a Paper Weight
5-Put some powder in it and it is a Bomb Shell
6-Throw it and it is a Baseball
7-There is no #7
8-Put a Satellite Dish on it and you have Great TV reception
9-Put some coils in it and you have a great portable heater
10-Cut some holes and tell your friends you bought it in Holland
11-Attach balloons and it becomes 1 of those things they use to hold Balloons
12-Sell it to someone as a universal adapter
13-Put a light bulb in it and you have a Decorative Walkway Light
14-Use it as a coaster for your favorite drink
15-Sell it to Lord Melkor and tell him 300BPS is faster then 2400 (inside joke)16-Give it to your Uncle, he'll find something to do with it
17-Hook it on your TV and it is a TV adapter for your Television
18-Sell it as a Black Box.
19-Save water by putting it in the toilet tank!
20-Use it as an anvil
21-Isn't that the age at which you can LEGALLY drink?
22-It could be one of those useless props at a school play
23-Get a hammer and vent your stress out on it
24-Make a few adjustments and turn it into a radio
25-Use the parts to make a board game
26-Make a Nintendo game out of it
27-Put in a processor and sell it as the world's chunkiest computer
28-Take it out when the guests come over and it is a decoration
29-Put it on the Christmas tree and it is an Ornament!
30-Use it as a Saxophone Damper
31-Make it into a parallel port DAC
32-Use it to make a model car
33-Trade it in for a new life
34-Use it as a footrest
35-Take it to sports games and have it signed like a baseball
36-Call up PROTOVISION with it (WarGames the movie)
37-Pad it, cut it, and you have a new pair of knee-pads
38-Isn't that MTV?
39-Use it as a snow sampler
40-Attach it to the Principal's Laptop Computer and say it is a tumor
41-Cut some holes in it and use it as a Disk Store
42-Sell the parts to a techie nerd and make a lot of money
43-Use it to stop your car in an emergency
44-Drop it off a boat with a string and it is an anchor
45-Use it to scan for fish in a lake
46-Make your phone into a speaker phone
47-Take it to your next party and it will be the talk of the town
48-Sell to the Tabloids and say it is possessed by Elvis
49-Use it with your Lego's to make a computer
50-Bang it on your bald head and instantly grow hair
51-Use it as a murder weapon
52-Does there really have to be a number 52?
53-Make some adjustments and it is an EPROM programmer
54-Give it to Ray Charles and tell him it is endless "Uh, huh"
55-Use it to upgrade the warp drive on a constitutional class space vessel
56-Attach some strings and use it as a sled
57-Attach roll bars and it is a dune buggy
58-Use it to keep your dog in place in the yard
59-Threaten your little brother with it
60-Get all of your friend's 300BPS modems and make a house out of them all
61-Make it into a `Radio Flyer' by adding wheels and a pole
62-Need a quick science project? Bring in your modem!
63-Cut a hole and use it as a planter
64-Strap it onto your head and pretend that you are Cadet Stimpy
65-Get a few lenses, some film, and make a movie camera
66-Get a plug, and send some voltage through someone's modem
67-You know how there are `pet rocks'? How about a `pet modem'?
68-Throw it out
69-Sell it to an idiot for $100 and buy yerself a faster modem
70-Put it in the snow and use it as a depth meter
71-Stick it on the wall and call it ART
72-Use it as a stepping stool
73-Put pepper in it and it could be a pepper shaker
74-Cut a hole in it and use it as a cereal bowl
75-Paint it red play bocce (yard game w/heavy balls)
76-If you are Jewish you could strap it on and use it as Tefillin
77-If you have a big dog, give it to him as a chew toy
78-Cut a hole and put stuff in it
79-Put it in the attic and one day, it may be worth MONEY!
80-Make a DollHouse out of it
81-A window box to put flowers in
82-Make it into a lantern
83-Give it to the neighbors
84-Use it as a subject for painting (still life)
85-Make it into a tunnel for your slot cars
86-Recycle it
87-Put it by the door and call it "Matt"
88-Throw it in the water and call it "Bob"
89-Hang it by the door and call it "Bell"
90-Use it as a booster chair
91-Throw it in the lake
92-Give it to the phone company
93-Bury it
94-Take it to Florida and sell it
95-Shape it into a Wok
96-Take it to an antique shop
97-Paint it all kinds of colors
98-Take it for a walk
99-Put it on a hat and say "Well, what did you expect?"
100-You know that a penny could kill from the top of the World Trade Centers?
Great, THROW THE MODEM!
101-Anything that you want to!
humor/COMPUTER/386code.txt
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Undocumented 8088/8086/80286/80386 Instruction Set
Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations
called MNEMONICS, in other words instead of writing GOTO,
the programmer writes JMP or even BRA (branch). These
instructions are frequently abbreviated into total
incomprehensibility.
Of course, we all know that abbreviations are arbitrary.
Anyone who has spent any time programming in assembler knows
that all computers can be programmed using an undocumented
set of instructions. Frequently when an error is made
writing a program in assembler, a user can actually see the
program executing the undocumented instructions.
These instruction vary from machine to machine, but all
computers have a certain set of them in common. As a
service to humanity, I am here revealing these common
instructions for the first time.
ARG Agree to Run Garbage
BDM Branch and Destroy Memory
CMN Convert to Mayan Numerals
DDS Damage Disk and Stop
EMR Emit Microwave Radiation
ETA Emulate Toaster Oven
FSE Fake Serious Error
GSI Garble Subsequent Instruction
GQS Go Quarter Speed
HEM Hide Evidence of Malfunction
IDD Inhale Dust and Die
IKI Ignore Keyboard Input
IMU Irradiate and Mutate User
JPF Jam Paper Feed
JUM Jeer at User Mistake
KFP Kindle Fire in Printer
LNM Launch Nuclear Missiles
MAW Make Aggravating Whine
NNI Neglect Next Instruction
OBU Overheat and Burn if Unattended
PNG Pass Noxious Gas
QWF Quit Working Forever
QVC Question Valid Command
RWD Read Wrong Device
SCE Simulate Correct Execution
SDJ Send Data to Japan
TTC Tangle Tape and Crash
UBC Use Bad Chip
VDP Violate Design Parameters
VMB Verify and Make Bad
WAF Warn After Fact
XID eXchange Instruction with data
YII Yield to Irresistible Impulse
ZAM Zero All Memory
humor/COMPUTER/60_minut.arp
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THIS IS CBS. (Booooooong)
TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK ...
CUT TO:
Man being strapped into electric chair: But those boys all WANTED to die!
I could tell by looking into their eyes. I was just trying to be
NICE to them!
CUT TO:
Airline mechanic: Sure, we use Will Hold all the time for these here
engine mounts. Save a fortune that way...
CUT TO:
Man at computer terminal being jumped by twelve policemen:
But all I was doing was playing ZORK! I don't unders...
CUT TO:
Dan Rather: I'm Dan Rather.
Morley Safer: And I'm Morley Safer. Welcome to another edition
of Sixty Minutes.
TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK ...
Announcer voiceover: Sixty Minutes, brought to you tonight by:
Voiceover 2: IBM, putting ideas to work for people.
AV: And by:
Voiceover 3: Stay-Free Maxi Pads, for the ultimate in feminine protection.
--- COMMERCIALS ---
Morley Safer: Good Evening.
Tonight Sixty Minutes is breaking with our usual free-form
format to present a special edition concerning the truly heinious
crimes that have come to our attention in recent months.
Dan Rather: We will look at the story of Billy Joe Kupertino, who murdered
27 young boys after sexually molesting them with Tootsie Roll
Pops and Trix cereal.
MS: And the story of shoddy workmanship at Herb's Airlines, which was
responsible for the deaths of more than 3000 people at the recent
Hollywood Bowl crash of a elongated jumbo jet.
DR: But first, a story so unbelievable, so incredibly bizarre and hideous,
that the Sixty Minutes staff, used to horror in real life, was
completely shocked by what we learned. It involves a massive
Department of Defense computer network, national security, and
high school students. It also strikes right to the bone of the
American way and apple pie.
MS: We call this story, the ARPANET TERROR, and you'll soon see why...
CUT TO:
Extreme closeup up IMP display register. Lights flashing. Gradually
the camera pulls back to reveal the entire unit. There is scribbled
graffiti all over the gray outside cover, including such anecdotes as
"CBS SUCKS" and "FREE PAT PAULSON".
MS: This is an IMP. Not the sprightly little character you read about
as a child, this IMP is Satan incarnate himself.
DR: Standing for Interface Message Processor, the IMP is a specialized
minicomputer, with ENORMOUS processing power.
MS: Yes, this device could add up a series of 200 fourteen digit numbers
faster than you could say "Neilson Rating".
DR: At least one of these devices sits in every Missile Base, Military
Research Establishment, and many private firms, universities,
and other subversive organizations.
MS: And they are all linked together by these thin cables here (holds up
twisted pair of red and white cable leading to clock radio on desk)
to form the most insidious NETWORK of computers ever dreamt
of in the worst of our nightmares.
DR: This is the ARPANET. Operated by a little known organization in the
Dept. of Defense, this network, originally designed as a research
and development tool, has become the toy of high school students
and the right hand of subversive organizations throughout the country.
We first learned of this incredible story when a boy, twelve
year old Racal Prentiss, called the Sixty Minutes staff complaining
that he was no longer able to play his favorite computer game,
called ZORK, due to the implementation of something called TIP LOGIN
in his area. We sensed a big story immediately, and put the full
resources of CBS behind the investigation.
MS: And what we learned was truly incredible. After a series of
interviews with high school students around the country, we learned
that 83% of the computer club high school students in the United
States regularly use and abuse the ARPANET. This was a larger
percentage, by the way, than had passed puberty.
DR: And their power and influence over the Dept. of Defense could hardly
be underestimated. This tape should demonstrate:
CUT TO VIDEO TAPE
Wimpy High School Kid: Yeah, I've just dialed the TIP phone number.
Now I put the phone into this modem.
DR: What is a "MODEM"?
Kid: It stands for Modus Operandi Device for Evil Motives.
DR: Oh.
Kid: Now I have to login to the TIP. Let's see now, which name should
I use? Oh, here's a good one (as he refers to long list written
on back of bubblegum wrapper).
KID TYPES ON MODEL 33 TTY:
Login Carter,Peanut
TIP SERVER replies: @
Kid: There. All done.
DR: That's all there is to it?
Kid: Yep. Now we can have some REAL fun!
DR: What are you going to do?
Kid: Well, watch this!
@O 2827300098000-C
Open T R
NORAD-TENEX 1.32.1
@log guest
(Password) arpa
(Account) arpa
GUEST logged in.
@LAUNCH
NORTH AMERICAN AIR DEFENSE COMMAND MISSLE LAUNCHING CONTROL PROGRAM.
ENTER ? FOR HELP.
-> S(ET TARGET): NYC
-> M(EGATONS): 50
-> L(AUCH TIME): NOW
[CONFIRM]
READY FOR LAUNCH
DR: Uh, you are kidding with this aren't you?
Kid: What? Me worry?
[ENTER CLEARANCE CODE FOR LAUNCH]
--> FOO
Launch proceeding.
Missile in Position
Ignition Successful
Bird is Away!
THANK YOU FOR A SUCCESSFUL LAUNCH. WHILE YOU ARE WAITING FOR
IMPACT, HOW ABOUT A GAME OF ADVENTURE?
DR: What is this "Adventure"?
Kid: We won't bother with that, I already got all the points.
DR: Uh, this is some sort of simulation, right?
Kid: Oh no, this is real. I never DID like New York.
DR: Well, this is horrible. Is there any way to stop it?
Kid: Well, yeah. If you really want me to.
DR: Please. My paychecks come from New York.
Kid: Aw shucks, OK.
IMPACT IN 15 SECONDS
10 9 8 7 6
^C
^C
@k
GUEST logged out.
Kid: There, all over.
DR: Excuse me, I think I wet my pants.
CUT TO DAN RATHER
DR: Well folks, you saw it. A twelve year old boy almost obliterated
New York City with a 50 Megaton nuclear blast.
MS: Yes, and imagine what he might have done if he were angry!
DR: Too bad he can't just hit ABC with a small tactical nuclear...
MS: DAN!
DR: I was just kidding, Morley. Haw haw haw.
MS: You sound like Tom Snyder.
DR: Maybe we could get HIM with the same blast.
MS: Let's be serious, Dan.
DR: Yes. Well. Ahem. We decided to go directly to the top when we
realized how serious this situation was. We went directly to
the home of Senator Proxmire in Washington D.C.
CUT TO VIDEO TAPE
MS: Here we are at the home of Senator Proxmire, the developer of
the famous "Golden Fleece" award, given to those government
agencies that have done the most to waste the taxpayers' money.
(Dan and Morley walk up to door and ring doorbell)
(Doorbell rings to tune of the "Funeral Dirge")
Seven Year Old Child: Hello?
DR: Hello. We're here from Sixty Minutes. Is your Daddy home?
Child: Yeah, he's home, come on in.
(They enter)
(Senator Proxmire is sitting at the kitchen table hunched before
a Silent 700 terminal. He is cursing under his breath...)
Proxmire: God DAMN IT! I just DON'T see how to get around this snake.
Child: Daddy! Someone's here for yo...
P: Shut up, squirt. Can't you see I'm busy? Hmmm. Now, maybe if I
eat the bird as a snack...
DR: Senator? This is Dan Rather of Sixty Minutes...
MS: And I'm his lovable sidekick, Morley Safer.
P: HUH? OH. Yes. Uh. (He reaches behind his back and attempts to
covertly remove the phone from a Radio Shack modem and hang
it up.)
DR: We're here in connection with our ARPANET inquiry, Sir.
P: Oh yes. Well, since your office called, I've had my staff
investigating this whole matter. And I was shocked. Simply
shocked! (As he speaks, he is rolling up the output from the
terminal and crumpling it into a little ball).
MS: Sir, what do you intend to do about this situation?
P: Well, uh, it appears to be a very, very complex matter. Uh, we
don't want to jump to any, uh, conclusions about this
type of thing. After all, National Security IS at stake here
ya' know.
DR: Yes, Sir. But I thought you said you were shocked?
P: Well, er, yes.
Child: Daddy, can I play ZORK now?
P: Get the HELL away from here kid; you bother me.
DR: Did he say ZORK?
MS: Did he say ZOOORRRRRRKKKKK?
P: No, he said, uh, Mork. That's it, he said "Mork". It's a new game
based on the "Mork and Mindy" show. You've seen it?
MS: I'm afraid not, sir. I believe it's on a competing network.
P: Oh. Well. Whatever. I don't ...
Child: Daddy! I want to get more ZORKmids!
P: Will you PLEASE get away from here. Go to your room and play with
your blue box.
Child: OK, Daddy. (Child exits)
DR: Now, Senator, if you will...
P: My how time flies. I just realized I have an important meeting on the
hill. Can't waste the taxpayers' money you know. Gotta get
going.
MS: But Senator. What about this ARPANET issue? We are very concerned.
P: Oh yes. Well, I suggest you just drop the whole issue. You know,
hush it up.
DR: You can't be serious? ARPANETGATE?
P: Well, whatever you want to call it. I have to leave now, gentlemen,
let me show you to the door.
CUT TO DAN AND MORLEY
DR: Confused? Not half as much as we were. Our meeting with the
Senator caused more questions than it answered.
MS: And we were no closer to understanding this issue than we were at
the beginning.
DR: We've decided to continue this investigation at another time, when
more information is available. We certainly do not want
to unjustly condemn a whole project simply based on a few minor
transgressions such as those we've seen.
MS: (whispers) Dan, C'mon. It's time for today's SF-LOVERS digest.
DR: (whispers) Right, Morley.
DR: We'll be back in the near future with more on this important issue.
(Both rush from stage. Dan's lapel microphone rips off and falls to
the floor, taking a chunk of his lapel with it. Stage is empty.
Stagehand rushes out, stares incredulously at camera for a moment,
then starts waving his arms madly. We see a burst of color bars
accompanied by a steady tone, then...)
TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK ...
-------
humor/COMPUTER/BOFH/bofh01.txt
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #1
It's backup day today so I'm pissed off. Being the BOFH, however, does have
it's advantages. I assign the tape device to null - it's so much more
economical on my time as I don't have to keep getting up to change tapes every
5 minutes. And it speeds up backups too, so it can't be all bad.
A user rings
"Do you know why the system is slow?" they ask
"It's probably something to do with..." I look up today's excuse ".. clock
speed"
"Oh" (Not knowing what I'm talking about, they're satisfied) "Do you know
when it will be fixed?"
"Fixed? There's 275 users on your machine, and one of them is you. Don't be
so selfish - logout now and give someone else a chance!"
"But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need is one page of
Laser Print.."
"SURE YOU DO. Well; You just keep telling yourself that buddy!" I hang up.
Sheesh, you'd really think people would learn not to call!
The phone rings. It'll be him again, I know. That annoys me. I put on a
gruff voice
"HELLO, SALARIES!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number"
"YEAH? Well what's your name buddy? Do you know WASTED phone calls cost
money? DO YOU? I've got a good mind to subtract your wasted time, my wasted
time, and the cost of this call from your weekly wages! IN FACT I WILL! By
the time I've finished with you, YOU'LL OWE US money! WHAT'S YOUR NAME - AND
DON'T LIE, WE'VE GOT CALLER ID!"
I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet - he's obviously going to
try and get an alibi by being at the Dean's office. I look up his username
and find his department. I ring the Dean's secretary.
"Hello?" she answers
"Hi, SIMON, B.O.F.H HERE, LISTEN, WHEN THAT GUY COMES RUNNING INTO YOUR OFFICE
IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS, CAN YOU GIVE HIM A MESSAGE?"
"I think so..." she says
"TELL HIM `HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN'T HIDE'"
"Um. Ok"
"AND DON'T FORGET NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT FILE
IN YOUR ACCOUNT WITH YOUR ANSWERS TO THE PUURITY TEST IN IT..."
I hear her scrabbling at the terminal...
"DON'T BOTHER - I HAVE A COPY. BE A GOOD GIRL AND PASS THE MESSAGE ON"
She sobs her assent and I hang up. And the worst thing is, I was just guessing
about the purity test thing. I grab a quick copy anyway, it might make for
some good late-night reading.
Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds. Modern technology
is wonderful, isn't it?
Another user rings.
"I need more space" he says
"Well, why don't you move to Texas?" I ask
"No, on my account, stupid."
Stupid?!?.... Uh-Oh..
"I'm terribly sorry" I say, in a polite manner equal to that of Jimmy Stewart
in a Family Matinee "I didn't quite catch that. What was it that you said?"
I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it's too late, he's a goner
and he knows it.
"Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my account, *please*"
"Sure, hang on"
I hear him gasp his relief even though he covered the mouthpeice.
"There, you've got plenty of space now"
"How much have I got"
Now this REALLY *PISSES* *ME* *OFF*! Not only do they want me to give them
extra disk, they want to check it, to correct me if I don't give them enough.
They should be happy with what I give them *and that's it*!!!
Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.
"Well, let's see, you have 4 Meg available"
"Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks!" he says pleased with his bargaining power
"No" I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red, at room temperature "4 Meg in
total..."
"Huh?... I'd used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg Available?"
I say nothing. It'll come to him.
"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhH!"
I kill me; I really do!
spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
humor/COMPUTER/BOFH/bofh02.txt
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #2
I'm sitting at the desk, playing x-tank, when some thoughtless bastard rings
me on the phone. I pick it up.
"Hello?" I say.
"Who is this?" they say
"It's me I think" I say, having been through a telephone skills course
"Me Who?"
"Is this like a knock knock joke?" I say, trying anything to save myself
having to end this game.
Too LATE! I get killed.
Now I'm pissed!
"What can I do for you?" I ask pleasantly - (one of the key warning signs)
"Um, I want to know if we have a particular software package.."
"Which package is that?"
"Uh, B-A-S-I-C it's called."
>clickety clickety d-e-l b-a-s-i-c.e-x-e<
"Um no, we don't have that. We used to though.."
"oh. Oh well, the other thing I wanted to know was, could the contents of
my account be copied to tape to I have a permanent copy of them to save at
home in case the worst happens.."
"The worst?"
"Well, like they get deleted or something..."
"DELETED! Oh, don't worry about that, we have backups" (I'm such a *shit*)
"What was your username?"
He gives me his lusername. (What an idiot)
>clickety clikc<
"But you haven't got any files in your account!" I say, mock surprise leaping
from my vocal chords.
"Yes I have, you must be looking in the wrong place!"
So first he spoils my x-tank game, and now he's calling me a liar...
>clickety click<
"Oh no, I made a mistake" I say
Did he mutter "typical" under his breath? Oh dear, oh dear..
"I MEANT TO SAY: That username doesn't exist"
"Huh? >wimper< It must do, I was only using it this morning!"
"Ah well, that'll be the problem, there was a virus in our system this
morning, the... uh... De Vinci Virus, wipes out users who are logged in
when it goes off."
"That can't be right, my girlfriend was logged in, and I'm in her account now!"
"Which one was that?"
He tells me the username. Some people NEVER learn..
"Oh, yeah, her account was just after we discovered the virus."
>clickety clikc< "..she only lost all her files"
"But..."
"But don't worry, we've got them all on tape"
"Oh, thank goodness!!!"
"Paper tape. Have you got a magnifying glass and a pencil. SEE YOU IN THE
MACHINE ROOM!!!! NYAHAHAHAHAHA!"
I'm such a prick!
spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
humor/COMPUTER/BOFH/bofh03.txt
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #3
So I'm working so hard I barely have time to drive into town and watch a movie
before I told people their printing will be ready. The queue's WAAAAY too
long to have everything printed (and sorted) by the time I told them, so I
kill all the small jobs so there's only 2 left and I can sort them in no time.
Then, after the movie, (which was one of those slack Bertolucci ones that takes
about 3 hours till the main character is killed off in a visionary experience)
I get back and clear the printouts.
There's about 50 people waiting outside and I've got two printouts. That's
about average for me. I thought I'd killed more tho. Anyway, I put out
the printouts and walk slooowly inside, fingering the clipboard with "ACCOUNTS
TO REMOVE" in big letters on the back. No-one says anything. As usual.
. . .
I'm sitting back in the Operations Armchair, watching the computer room
closed circuit TV, which just happens to be connected to the frame-grabber's
Video player (sent off for repair, due back sometime in '94) when the phone
rings. That must be the 2nd time today, and it's really starting to get to
me!
"Yes?" I say, pausing the picture.
"I've accidentally deleted my C.V!" the voice at the other end of the line
says.
"You have? What was your username?"
He tells me. What the hell, I AM bored.
"Ah no, you didn't delete it - I did."
"What?"
"I deleted it. It was full of shit! You didn't ever get more than a B- in
any of your subjects!"
"Huh?"
"And that crap about being a foreign exchange student, that was your girlfriend
and we both know it."
"Huh?!!"
"Your academic records. I checked them, you were lying.."
"How did y.." He clicks. "It's you isn't it? THE BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL!"
"In the flesh, on the phone and in your account.... You shouldn't have called
you know. You especially shouldn't have given me your username.." >clickety<
>click< "Neither should you have sent that mail to the System Manager telling
him what you think of him in graphic terms..."
"I didn't send any.."
>clickety< >click<......
"No, you didn't did you? But who can tell these days. Not to worry though,
It'll all be over VERY soon.." >clickedy clikc< "..change my username back,
and..."
"b-b-b.." he blubs, like a stood-up date
"Goodbye now" I say pleasantly, "you've got bags to pack and a life to start
over..."
I hang up.
Two seconds later the red phone goes. I pick it up, it's the boss.
He mumbles the username of the person I was just talking to, mentions something
about a nasty mail message, and utters the words "You know what to do...", with
the dots and everything.
Later, inside the Municipal Energy Authority Computer, as I'm modifying the
poor pleb's Energy Bill by several zeros, I can't help but think about what
lapse of judgement - what act of heinous stupidity causes them to call.
Then, even later, when I'm adding the poor pleb's photo image over the top
of the FBI's online "MOST Wanted Armed and Dangerous, SHOOT ON SIGHT" offenders
list, I realise, I'll probably never know; but life goes on.
A couple of hours later, as I see the SWAT vehicle roll up outside the poor
pleb's apartment I realise that for some, it just doesn't.
But tommorrow is another day.
spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #4
It's a thursday, and I'm in a good mood. It's payday. I think I'll take
some calls. I put the phone back on the hook. It rings.
"I've been trying to get you for hours!" the voice at the other end screams
"Not, it can't be hours" I say, putting Blade Runner back into it's cover
and looking at the back, "it was more like 114 minutes. I was on a long phone
call with the big boss, trying to get you users some better facilities"
Hook; Line; and Sinker...
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"That's ok, I'm a tolerant person" I make a mental note to change his password
to something nasty in the next couple of days.
"Um, I need to know how to rename a file" he says.
Oh dear... Hang on, it's payday isn't it?! I'm in a good mood.
"Sure. You just go 'rm' and the filename"
"Thanks"
"No worries" (Now I'm in a REALLY good mood. I think I just might write that
script to make saving impossible on rogue at random times like I've been think-
ing about)
The phone rings again.
"Hello?"
"Hi there" I say
"Is this the Operators?"
"Yes it is" I say, nice as pie
"Could you get my printouts out please. I need them urgently, and I printed
them over 5 minutes ago"
"Your username?" I ask
He gives it to me, and I write it down for later. "No worries at all!" I say,
and head to the printers.
There's a HUUUUUUUGE pile of printouts there, and sure enough, his is at the
top of the pile. I pick it up, split it out of the rest and pour our ink-
stained cleaning alcohol all over it, run it over a couple of times with the
loaded tape trolley then slam it in the tape safe door some times as well.
Beautiful.
"Here's your printout" I say "Sorry about the delay, we've got a few printer
problems."
He takes a look and shits himself.
"Well, can I print it again?" he asks, worried
"Sure you can" I say "But no promises, the printer's a bit stuffed today"
"Well can I print it on laser - is that working?"
"Yeah of course, but that'll cost you" I say, oozing compassion for the geek
"It doesn't matter about the cost, THIS IS URGENT!"
I slide-on back into the printer room and put in the toner cartridge we save
for special occasions - the one that prints thick black lines down the middle
of the page and is all faint on one side. It took me quite a while to make it
like that too. The printout shoots through and I bring it out immediately -
I don't want to miss this!
"W-w-what's happened to my printout?" he geek-squeals at me.
Lucky I wrote that username down - I'm really starting to develop a taste for
torture.
"Well nothing. I mean sure, it's a little soiled, but that cartridge has
already done 47 thousand pages and been refilled 17 times. It's quite good
compared to some we get"
Geek pays up and starts blubbing.
"Hey now. There's no reason to cry! Have you got a disk with your work on
it?"
He gives me a box of diskettes and I step inside and run them across the bulk
eraser. I come back out again.
"Sorry, I just remembered, our machine is on the fritz, you'll have to take
these to the other side of campus to the machine there, it'll print them ok,
and it had a brand-new toner yesterday."
"GREAT!"
"No worries. Oh, and hold the disks above your head the whole way there, the
earth's magnetic field is particularly strong today."
"Huh?"
"No arguements, just do it."
He wanders off, hand held high. Shit I hate myself sometimes.
spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #5
I'm bored senseless, so I pass the time by reading users email. I must admit
that today's lot is PARTICULARLY boring, not one good message in all of them.
I was expecting at LEAST some veiled reference to a grope in a storeroom, but
nothing. So I'm bored senseless by the usual drivel about some relative's
surgery and how the weather is over the other side of the world - that sort
of crap.
To relieve the boredom, I remove a e-mail party invite from a user's mail
and post it under the senders username to to alt.singles.with.severe.social.
dysfunctions on news, and make a note in my diary to be there with my
camcorder. Should be a blast!
Next in line is the online medical records database, in which the company
doctors store the current medical histories of the staff. I grep it quickly
for "herpes" and "syphillus" and sell the results to the local scum newspaper.
I cover my tracks by adding an entry to one of the doctor's online electronic
diarys for yesterday saying "$500, Med Recs To Paper" I think that's all it
should take..
I move some tapes from the racks to the trolley to make it look like we really
use them, then start looking thru archie listings for a hidden x-gif site. I
find one then start a batch job running under some user's account to get them
all back, charged to him. I make sure he's got enough disk for the job by
removing any files not related to the task at hand. Like all those "Doctorate
Final Report" papers that have got quite large in the last couple of weeks.
I go back to the mail now, as something's bound to have happened. I do a grep
on all mail files for the words "pregnant" and "family way", and post them
anonymously to the local general interest newsgroup.
Then, before anything can happen, the power goes out! The next second, the
phone rings.
"Hello?" I say, annoyed - the coyote was just about to kill roadrunner again!
"Has the comput.."
I hang up. This is a matter of life or death. Quick as I can I rip the
computer power cable out of the UPS and plug the TV in. Damn! Wylie missed
again!
Meantime, all the alarms are going off like crazy as the disks spin down, but
that's ok, because my Mac and Terminal are hardwired to the UPS in any case;
and I'm at the Beer Factory level in Dark Castle too.
The phone rings, so I pull the PABX breaker on the UPS switchboard and it
stops. Now to look like I'm working. I break out the puck and the hockey
stick and play a little one-on-wall. From the observation window it'll look
like I'm being blindingly efficient, as per usual.
10 Minutes later, the power is back and we're two HDA's down, but what the
hell, I haven't lost a man, I'm onto the final screen, and there's more
cartoons!
The phone rings, it's a luser. (What a surprise)
"Computer Room" I say, being efficient
"Hello, when will the compu..."
I hang up.
I'm doing well in the screen, all I need do is get past the wizard who throws
spells at you and I'm in!
The phone rings again. I put it on hands free
"Computer Room" I shout, still deep in the game.
"I've lost my files" a user whines over the loudspeaker
"You bet you have" I say, as my concentration lapses just long enough for
me to get zapped by the wizard.
"What was your username?" I say, all sweetness and smiles
He tells me, I look, and he's right. Shit, and I didn't even do it!
Not to be outdone, I change his login directory to the null device, set his
path to "." and redefine the command "news" to execute a script in his old
login directory to send a nasty message to the equal opportunities officer,
then delete itself.
Now that's trying!
spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #6
It's friday, so I get into work early, before lunch even. The phone rings.
Shit!
I turn the page on the excuse sheet. "SOLAR FLARES" stares out at me. I'd
better read up on that. Two minutes later I'm ready to answer the phone.
"Hello?" I say.
"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU ALL MORNING?!"
I hate it when they shout at me early in the morning. It always puts me in a
bad mood. You know what I mean.
"Ah, yes. Well, there's been some solar activity this morning, it always
disrupts electronics..." I say, sweet as a sugar pie.
"Huh? But I could get through to my friends?!"
"Yes, that's entirely possible, solar activity is very unpredictable in it's
effects. Why last week, we had some files just dissappear from a guys account
while he was working on it!"
"Really?"
"Straight Up! Hey, do you want me to check your account?"
"Yes please, I've got some important stuff in there!"
"Ok, what's your username..."
He tells me. Honestly, it's like shooting a fish in a barrel. Twice.
With an Elephant Gun. At point blank range. In the head.
(Do I really need to tell you the clicky clicky bit? I think not)
"How many files are in your account?" I ask
"Um, well there should be about 20 in my thesis writeup, 10 or so with the
data for it, and another 20 or so in a book that I'm writing"
"Hmmm. Well, I think we caught it just in time. You've still got 2 files
left... .cshrc and .login"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhh!"
He sobs into the receiver a bit - it really turns my stomach.
"What can I do?" he sniffs
"Ok, do you have any of your stuff backed up on floppy?"
"Some, but it's weeks old!"
I fire up the bulk eraser.
"Ok" I say "How about I come out and load all that data onto your account
pronto so you can get some work done?"
"That'd be great, but it's all at home" he wimpers. "I spose I'll just load
it all in myself tonight"
"Sure. But remember what I said, solar flares are bad for disks and machines.
Protect your disks from solar activity to prevent them losing their data"
"How do I do that? Wrap them in tin-foil?"
"NO! TIN FOIL'S THE WORST THING! YOU KNOW WHAT TIN FOIL DOES IN A MICROWAVE
DON'T YOU?!"
"Yes.."
"Then don't use it. There's only one thing that protects disks from solar
activity.."
"What's that?"
"MAGNETS. Wrap your disks up in a pillow case with lots of magnets - Solar
Flares hate that"
"Wow! Thanks"
"No worries at all..."
Shit I'm good!
spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #7
So I manage AT LONG LAST, to get a couple of hours off for lunch, AND, because
I can't leave my desk unattended, I get the janitor in and have him sit in
my chair. I tell him that all he has to do is make sure the receiver doesn't
accidentally get put back on the hook. He agrees and I'm off.
First stop, the bank. I change a $50 note into quarters and then ask to see
a balance of my account. Then I yank the power lead out of the teller's vdu.
It dies. I say I'm in a hurry and is the manager around?
He rolls over like a man-sized twinkie and asks what the problem is. I say
that all I want is a balance of my accounts. I cross my fingers. YES!
He finds the vdu lead out, plugs it in, and logs in, TO THE MANAGER'S ACCOUNT.
Now's my chance - I slip up against the counter, slopping 200 coins across the
counter. The manager ignores it, but all the tellers dive for the money. I
watch, unobserved, as the manager types in his password at the breakneck speed
of one character a minute. At that rate I should've got $100 worth....
He finishes typing. "MONEY". What a toughy! Well, that's my mortgage taken
care of tonight...
A user that I recognise from "D(eletion) day '89" approaches. I think he's
going to talk to me. Even the bank manager is shaking his head furiously.
But it's too late, he stops.
"Um, excuse me, Could you tell me what is the best computer to buy to do my
thesis on?
?!
Right.
"You've heard of Commodore 64's?" I ask
"Yes?.."
"Avoid them like the plague! Not many people know this, but computers aren't
made to handle that much memory - it's over 64,000 things, more in some cases.
It's a recipe for disaster!"
"Oh!"
"Try something safe and proven. A ZX81 with dual cassette drive if you can
get it. The 1K ram model. Write that down. Don't buy a disk drive - You
know how they're always failing, but music cassettes last forever!"
"Hey thanks!"
"No worries. What was your username again?"
He tells me. Just in time for D-Day 92. You'd think they'd learn.
I get back to work and the janitor's asleep at the terminal. I ask him if he
wants to work here too, but he likes the ability to bust in on people when
they're in the toilet...
I put the phone back on the hook, and straight away it rings. I hate it when
it does that, it takes me AGES to get my walkman phones in.
It's the hottest hosemonster I've ever met, and she's got a computer problem!
I love it when that happens!
"What's your username?" I ask
She tells me (as if I didn't know)
Quick as I can I read all her e-mail (mostly boring stuff), then grep everyone
else's mail files for her username. Nothing. Excellent!
"What's the problem?" I ask, all smiles and charm.
"I can't save my documents, it says something about space."
"Not a problem for long" I say, and delete everyone else on the same disk as
her. "You should be fine now.."
"Thank you so much" she gushes.
I make a mental note to do something to her account again tomorrow.
"No worries."
The phone rings almost before I've got it on the hook.
"My files are all gone!" a voice whines out at me.
"When did this happen?" I ask.
"Just now..." he says, through the tears
"I see. Well, I wouldn't worry, there's three days till the end of the
semester, if you work day and night until then, you should get at least a C-"
He sobs a couple more times then hangs up. What a wimp.
THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN!
"The screen on my PC is really dim" The woman at the other end says "Should I
wind the brightness knob up?"
"NO!" I scream "Don't touch that knob! Have you any idea of the radiation
that comes out of that thing when the knob gets wound up?!!!!"
"Well I..." she says, all uncertain
"TAKE MY ADVICE!" I say "There's only ONE way to fix a dim display, and that's
by power surging the drivers"
The words "power surging" and "drivers" have got her. People hear words like
that and go into dummy mode and do ANYTHING you say. I could tell her to run
naked across campus with a powercord rammed up her backside and she'd probably
do it... Hmmm...
"Have you got a spare power cord?"
"No.."
"Oh well, never mind, we'll have to do the power surge idea... Ok, quick as
you can, I want you to flick the power switch of your PC on and off 30 times"
"Should I take my disks out?"
"NO! Do you want to lose all your data!?!"
"Oh. No! Ok.."
I listen carefully.. ..
...clicky..clikcy...clikky.. .. .. ...clicky. ...cliccy..
. . BOOM!
Amazing, it probably made it to 27 - the power supply usually shits itself
at 15 or so...
"MY COMPUTER BLEW UP!!!" she screams at me down the line
"Really? Must've been a dodgy power supply! Lucky we found out now! Is your
machine still under warranty?"
"NO!"
"Dear oh dear. Well, Best get it repaired then. Did you backup your files?"
"Yes, to the system, Yesterday, but all this morning's work is gone!"
"Oh dear. What was your username, I'll just check that your backups worked
ok?"
She tells me....
spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #8
I'm at my desk as usual, and a user calls.
"Hello Computer Room, Simon here, How can I help" I answer
"I can't get into my account!" A user mumbles at me.
"What was your username please?" I say
They give me their username. No worries. I look in their account.
"No worries, it was just a badly made login file. I've fixed it, you should
be able to login."
"Thanks!"
"No worries. Have a nice day!"
WHAT IS THIS? you're asking yourself. Has the BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL
turned over a new leaf? Sold out?! GONE INSANE?!!!
Nope. The BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL is being logfiled. And if that's happen-
ing, I'm being bugged as well. So I'm being nice till I can find the bugs. It
shouldn't be long - bear with me.
Ah. One in the phone handpeice. Basic. But then the boss is a sneaky sort,
so there's probably a couple more. Ah! And another in the base of the phone
and one inside my keyboard. Time for a mad coffee-spilling frenzy. This is
a big job, so I bring the whole jug over and wait for a witness. The System
Manager comes in.
"Where's that report of mine?" he asks in a surly manner - he's obviously
pissed that I haven't implicated myself yet. Antagonist Identified. As
the Principal of "BASTARD OPERATOR SCHOOL" (me) will tell you, "There's no
problem so large it can't be solved by killing the user off, deleting their
files, closing their account and reporting their REAL earnings to the IRS"
I pull his printout from under the coffee jug where I put it, and the coffee
splashes all over the phone and keyboard, which for some reason were stacked
on top of each other.
"Woopsy!" I say, mock horror on my face. The System Manager's face tells
me I was right in my guess.
"Don't think you'll get away with this!" he snarls and stomps off.
I click on the ethernet monitor and watch the traffic coming out of his PC.
Ah! A memo, authorising the termination of my contract, going to the laser in
the director's office. I make a few alterations to the file in the spool
directory and let it go to it's destination. I run my dinky little program
that deposits -522 to the PC and our mainframe shits itself.
Later, while booting, I'll remove that nasty logfile business.
Next, I wander into the comms room and plug my earphone into the spare
RS232 port in the Directors office. It's amazing how simple it is to bug an
office once it's got data lines going to it!
Director: "Are you sure about this?"
SysMgr: "OF COURSE!"
Director: "You don't want to reconsider?"
SysMgr "NEVER!"
Director: "Very well, I'll fax it to staffing now.."
SysMgr "EXCELLENT!"
Two seconds later the System Manager strolls in smiling.
"Well, I'll really miss you Simon.." he says, full of himself.
"Oh?" I say, all sweetness and charm "Where are you going?"
"No Simon" he says, with glee "You're going"
"A PROMOTION!" I say "You've finally written that letter to the head of
staffing telling him he's a bum-sucking arse bandit and that you quit?"
"No..."
"Are you sure? It's much better than the one about me being fired.."
"Y.." His eyes widen slightly
It's like clubbing a seal to death with a foam cushion. He runs to stop the
fax. Only, having just resigned, >clicky cklikcy< his card key no longer
works...
Ametuers...
The Phone rings. It's the same guy as before
"I can get into my account now, but I've run out of disk"
"Hang on, I'll see what I can do"
>clicccky<...
rm -r *
spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #9
I'm driving to work and I'm stuck behind this old guy, the classic slow driver
from hell, whose car red-lines at 20 mph and can't take corners at more than
5. I honk my horn but his hearing aid's probably turned way down to "whisper",
so I'm stuck.
I make a mental note of his license plate. In fact, I did that 60 times a
minute for 15 and a half minutes. Oh dear.. oh dear.... Looks like another
call to the DMV Database to register a vehicle as stolen by out of town arms
dealers...
I get to work, flick the excuse page over. "ELECTROMAGNETIC RADIATION FROM
SATTELLITE DEBRIS". Fair enough, it looks like it's going to be a good day.
I log into "FUCKYOU", (the help-desk enquiries username) and go into mail.
There's 3 new messages, the first of which is 117 lines long, so it's obviously
a storyteller. Shit, I hate that. Instead of saying "My account needs more
disk space" they tell you about how they're doing this bit of research for a
lecturer and how it's got to be in yesterday, and they almost had it but their
second cousing twice removed had a perforated herpes scab and lost a lot of
blood and had to be rushed into hospital... etc etc. I delete the message.
Second message I read, but it's one of those people who can't handle the mail
interface and send a null message, so all you get is headers. I reply to the
message saying "No worries, we can do that by next tuesday". Hope it was
important.
The last message I leave for tommorrow, because Saturday would be a dull day
if I ever had to work then.
The phone rings. I thought I'd fixed that!
I put it on hands free so I can slop some pizza into the microwave.
"Yes" I call
"Something's wrong with my Boot disk, I can't login to the server"
"Have you got your disk with you?"
"Sure!"
I go get the disk and put it and the pizza in for 5 minutes on "ULTRA-NUKE".
Six minutes later, he rings back.
"It still doesn't work, and now my disk makes a funny noise and smells."
"OH SHIT! It's that electromagnetic radiation from satellite debris again!"
"Really? I think I heard about that!" (What a tool!)
"Yep, I'm sorry, you'll have to buy another disk"
"Oh, that's ok, I don't mind, the old one was getting worn. Thanks"
"Sure, no worries. And be sure to run it through our virus checker FDISK
when you get a lot of important data on it..."
"I will! Thanks!"
"That's Ok - it's my job!"
Xcbzone is running really slow so I kill off a whole lot of database backends
that seem to be hogging all the cpu and get back into my game. Much better.
It isn't easy on the frontline, work work work...
I go to the cafeteria for a quick 2 hour snack - they're so nice to me there.
They always have been, ever since that computer glitch that registered their
kitchen as an organ recipient - very messy. I grab a couple of cans of coke
and some cheese things and cruise on back to the office via the first year
computer funamentals lab. I look in the window on the scene that unfolds it-
self to me - a lab full of first years with no demonstrator.
WELL I'LL JUST HAVE TO HELP!
I walk on in.
"Right, I'm your temporary replacement demonstrator and today we're going
to put our assignments aside for half an hour to learn about the REMARK
function, or, as it's known to the computer literate world, rm.."
I should have been a teacher you know - I've got this way with people...
...
spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #10
I get invited to a lecture as a guest speaker in "Computing Operations Fund-
amentals", so I leave the control room in the capable hands of Sam, the
janitor and cruise on down.
The lecture starts and goes ok, then there's a 10 minute period where students
get to ask a "real operator" questions that they have about operations.
I get out my pad and pen.
"Before we get started" I say, "could you just call out your username before
you ask me a question, I find it easier to apply your problem to terms you
would understand better"
The lecturer eats all this up - the personal touch really gets to them.
"First Question, You over there.."
"What do you think of the privacy of individuals on a shared system?"
"What was your username please?"
"CMS1103"
>Scratchy scritch<
"Computer Privacy... Hmmm. This is a toughy really. You mean stuff like
reading the email between you and your counsellor about you not wanting to
come out of the closet?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGH!"
"AH. Well, he seems to have left - must have picked a bad COMPLETELY RANDOM
example. Next question. You, over there..."
"CMS1136. I was.."
"Ah yes, 1136 the only person on campus who subscribes to alt.sex.buggery.by.
sailors.dressed.in.mums.clothing"
"It's purely for research purposes!"
"I'm sure it is. You do a lot of story posting for a researcher don't you?"
"NNGggggAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHGH!"
"Next please..."
...
..
Two minutes later, the lecture theatre's empty.
That's the problem with students today, they just don't want to learn.
I go back to control and Sam's asleep at the console again. I think he's
after my job. I make a mental note to tap into the salary database and
cancel his health and accident insurance payments. You can't be too careful..
I put the phone on the hook for the first time this afternoon and it starts
ringing almost immediately. THAT'S IT! I redirect it to 911 catch a bit of
shuteye. That'll teach them. OOPS! Almost forgot to turn over the excuse
calendar. "STATIC FROM NYLON UNDERWEAR" Nope, too plausable - although in
some cases I could do an on-site check. Nah, can't be stuffed. I'll pick
another one. "STATIC FROM PLASTIC SLIDE RULES" Now THAT'S one with a
challenge!
I un-redirect the phone and drag the rubbish bin so it rests on the printer's
stacker - another job well done. The phone rings - this could be the big one!
"Hello?"
"Hi, Um, how do I spell-check my file?"
"Simple, just type `spell' and the filename"
"Thanks"
I'm so bloody nice this morning. Especially as I know that my version of spell
introduces errors instead of detecting them. Things like changing friend to
freind and vice-versa. What the hell.
The phone rings - it's them again.
"There's something wrong with spell"
"What makes you think that?"
"Because my file is all corrupt now!"
"That doesn't sound like spell to me. Are you logged into thru PC?"
"Yes, but I can.."
"Please, leave the technical diagnosis to me... Now, is there a plastic ruler
somewhere on or in the desk?"
"Um >clunka<, yes..."
"Right. You've got a static buildup on your hard-drive caused by the changing
electrostatic field generated by the ruler - the same one that makes bits of
paper stick to it when you rub it up and down your arm..."
DUMMY MODE ON
"Oh. What do I do?"
"You know how you get paper off a ruler by hitting it on a table lots of times?
Well do that with your PC. Say 20 times - lift it about a foot off the desk &
drop it."
"Oh. OK"
>crash<
>crash<
>crash<
"Um, the screen went dark"
"That's ok, it's supposed to do that - keep going. And when you're finished,
do the screen as well, that static may have gone up the wires to it."
>crash<
>crash<
>crash<...
I hang up. I get up and go out to the public area to put honey in the floppy
drives when a guy who looked like Lee Harvey Oswald runs up to me and shoots
me, only the sound comes from the machine room, and I can hear the ex System-
Managers chuckle....
Later, in the ambulance, I realise. I forgot to get the guys username...
Then everything goes dark
spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL LIVES! #11
The darkness cleared as we got out of the tunnel and it occurred to me that
I couldn't be all that injured. Then again, maybe I was. Someone was going
to p..
I died.
Of course, a true BOFH considers this not really as dying, but more of going
home for the holidays.
Five seconds later, I'm getting the upside of 15Kv across the nipples. (These
ambulance guys sure know how to party).
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL LIVES!
Three weeks later I'm back on my backside and feeling rested at relaxed behind
the console again. The rest has done me good, I feel *great!*. I catch up on
everyone's email then let the students know I'm back by performing an impromptu
preventative maintenance in the middle of lab time by kicking the restart
switch (They love it really)
I flip today's excuse card, "GLOBAL WARMING" YES YES YES! What a welcome
home!
It's the end of the month so all those automatic email reminder programs will
be sending messages all over the place. I set the system clock back 7 days
to buy some peace and quiet and swap the printer ribbon for the three year old
one with holes in it.
I sort through my snail mail and crack open the BOFH Monthly Newsletter,
"kill -9" and check out the articles therein. There's a nice peice of making
OS2 slow, boring and painful, but it looks exactly like the OS2 installation
instructions to me... Ah, who knows. I head straight to the BOFH Wizard
section to see if any of my articles were published. All of them!!! Even
the one about the c compiler that randomly removes one line from the source
code it's compiling!
The phone rings.
"The Screen on my PC is blank!!!"
"It's the power cord" I say
"No, I checked that. When I switch it on, it does nothing!"
"It's the power cord" I say
"No, I checked and it's all plugged in properly. There's no lights on the
keyboard or anything"
"It's the power cord" I say
"Oh. I just noticed, the cord's not plugged in properly!"
"The power cord?" I ask
"Yes... Woopsy"
"No worries at all" I say "Is it all working well now?"
"Yes, I think so. I'm sorry, you WERE right all along"
"Yes, we're getting a lot of this, it's due to the current Global Warming
problem. It causes random thermal expansion and contraction resulting in
temperature induced movement of friction based holding mechanisms.."
I listen carefully. Nothing. In other words, <DUMMY MODE ON>...
"You can fix it permanently tho'" I say
"Really? How?"
"Well it's all to do with lowering salt deposits on the metal contacts"
"Oh!" (Dummy mode irrevocably engaged)
"All you need to do is just take the power plug out deposit some dilute mineral
salts on it. Do you have some dilute mineral salts on you?"
"Uh, no?"
"Ok, no worries, just stick it in your mouth drool into it. But make sure you
wipe the plug first to get rid of any germs, and TURN THE SWITCH OFF ON THE
MONITOR before you do - we don't want a nasty accident!
"Oh. Ok!"
>Fzzzt< >clunk!<
I hang up as the receiver hits the floor. Disk space is too good for them.
spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #12
I get to work and I'm a bit tired so I plug a thick hunk of copper across
the three phase supply and throw the switch. The room is plunged into
darkness as the circuit breakers trip and for once the machine room is silent.
I like it.
I pop the phone off the hook and close the curtains on the observation window.
Now it's *really* dark in there. I wouldn't be surprised if someone had an
accident in here..
I lift a couple of floor tiles up in the darkness and call our maintenance
contractors saying the mini popped the breaker again, then replace the fuses
in it with a couple of nails and short the power supply to ground. You can't
just hope for this sort of thing, you've got to MAKE it happen.
15 minutes later the engineer arives and falls down the hole. I pop the floor
tiles back on just as the System Manager (a new and very thorough individual)
comes in, telling me to watch out, someone could really hurt themselves in the
dark...
I nod & tell him that we can't really afford all the downtime, and should I
just throw the breaker and hope that there was no major fault. After thinking
about the negative publicity we're getting already, he makes the last decision
of his short career and tells me to go ahead.
Later, when the smoke clears I examine the smoking remains of the mini. Not
a pretty sight...
"Strange that the breaker jammed shut, isn't it?" I say to our manager as he
packs up the personal things in his office. "One in a million chance. A pity
that someone saw what you did and posted the whole story to comp.misc. You'll
be lucky to get a job managing a car computer after all that publicity..."
I go back to the machine room and throw the rest of the breakers to liven
everything up, then login and start deleting users' email. I spot an
interesting off-the-record sexual proposition from our male consultant to a
member of the men's swim team which will make a good motd, so I copy it there,
modify root's owner name to be "Winker" and password to be "ljkadlkajflkj"
(then call the big boss to report a suspected intrusion). Should be at least
a couple of hours of login time before we can sort that out. In the meantime,
people are just going to have to read that message...
I realise the message has been read when I hear the gunshot from behind the
consultant's closed door.
I edit the online helpdesk information and change the phone number to the
System Manager's - he'll probably appreciate the extra calls at such a sad
time...
I hear another shot and realise he won't be answering any calls today.
I put the phone back on the hook and flip today's excuse card. "Poor power
conditioning". Too plausible. "STATIC BUILDUP". Still a bit too plausible
for my liking, but I don't want to run out of cards before the end of the
year, so I decide to run with it.
The phone rings almost as soon as I've got "Top Gun" in the video machine so
I pause the video and put the phone on hands-free.
"I think I've bought a bad floppy disk"
"Yes?" I wonder if I've suddenly become the consumer's watchdog?
"Well, I've got this disk and it won't format. All the others in the box did
so I thought I must have a bad disk"
"Why are you calling me about this?" I ask
"Well, the disk says guaranteed; where do I go to get a replacement?"
Ah! Of course.
"Well, let's see. Are you sure it's the disk, and not just some problem with
static buildup?"
"Huh?"
"Static Buildup, you know, static electricity that's passed from you to the
computer"
"But I'm wearing a wrist strap!"
Around about now I realise I'm deep in dweeb country. Wrist straps aren't
fashion accessories in my part of town...
"Of course you are, but your average wrist strap has a 1 meg resistor in
series with it, a *really* poor earth. What you need is a direct earth
connection. Hang onto the frame of something that's earthed properly."
"What, you mean like our stainless steel bench?"
"Excellent. Now, have you got a paper clip to discharge the static with?"
"Hang on. Yeah"
"Ok, with your other hand, poke the clip thru the ventilation holes at the back
of the unit, and just touch the contact at the end of the thick red wire."
"The one going to the power supply?"
"Yep, that's it"
"....Hey, isn't that the li... >kzzzzt!< >clunk<"
Another call solved by the helpdesk from hell...
spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #13
I'm busy with my new shell replacement login script, and it's almost foolproof.
Let's just say it pops up with:
"Yes means No and No means Yes. Delete all files [Y]? "
upon login. I'm really starting to worry about the number of account breakins
we've been having recently.... The manager isn't though. His main concern
appears to be the number of computer-related fatalities on campus. Funny
world, isn't it?
I flip the excuse card. "DOPPLER EFFECT" Sounds implausible enough that it's
plausable - with a little work of course.
The phone, the bane of my existance, rings.
"Hello, Computer Room" I say, being helpful
"Is this the Technicians?" The caller asks.
Amazing the number of deaf people that use these things. What the hell, I'm
bored..
"Yes it is" I lie (Nixon could've done with me)
"I've got a problem with my floppy drive, it doesn't seem to be reading all
the time"
"Hmmm. How old is the drive?"
"About a year.."
"And it sometimes fails and sometimes works, but it's starting to fail more
and more?"
"YES!"
"Yeah, it's the Doppler effect of magnetism.."
"I thought that only happened with light and sound?"
>Bullshit mode ON<
"Yes, well it's been found that on a spinning surface, like a disk, the
particle's magnetic alignment changes, especially when the head is stationary
and slightly magnetised in respect to it."
"Duh. Oh"
"So, what you need to do is to demagnetise the head. Have you got a disk head
demagnetising loop?"
"Uh.... No?"
"OK, we'll have to do it the hard way. Have you got your original diskettes
for your software?"
"Yeah."
"Right, chuck them in the drive, one by one, and format them."
"WHAT?!"
"Don't worry, it won't work - remember the drive is failing. All that happens
is that the virgin magnetic field of the disks realigns the magnetic field of
the head, because they weren't written by a doppler effected drive."
"Oh, yeah!"
"So, when it gives you a write error and asks if you want to continue, you
say yes. Do it with all your original diskettes, then, to complete the
demagnetising process, run a head cleaning diskette through the drive as
well, which will pick up the stray magenetic particles clinging to the head."
"Oh. Ok. Thanks"
"Don't thank me - IT'S MY JOB"
I put the phone down, it rings again. It's the big boss.
"Simon, could you come to my office please?"
>ALERT!<
Quick as I can, I press the panic button on our LAN-Analyser, or to be more
precise, the "Generate 90% random traffic" button
"Sure, would you like me to come now, or..
The other phone rings. I chuck it on hands free
"Hello, Computer Room, Simon Here, How can I help?"
"THE NETWORK IS DOWN, ALL OUR PCS HAVE SHIT THEMSELVES!" the voice on hands
-free screams into the mouthpeice of the other phone
"I see" I say calmly "Yes, our Monitor shows it up, it looks to be a bad
segment of thinwire - please hold the line while I unplug it"
I press the "I just got a raise" button (AKA "Stop Traffic Generation") on the
Lan Analyser, and almost immediately the user shouts back "Excellent, it's
working now, thanks"
"That's ok, don't mention it. Have a nice day"
The big-boss has been listening to all this, so I reckon that the trip to his
office won't be so bad after all. I tell him I'll be right down as soon as
I secure the net and hang up. On the way down, I invent a new buzzword which
always keep management happy. Complete Transient Lockout. Sounds much better
than pulling the plug. Like Master-Reset sounds better than off-switch.
I get to his office and the staffing officer is there too. Uh-oh.
"Simon - How would you like to be our System Manager?"
?!!!
"Well... I don't know, I like that hands on.."
"Extra 10 grand a year, Varisty Car.."
"Monaro?"
"Ok"
"Sold!"
....And so ends the saga, as it should have at #10.
spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz
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The Bastard Operator from Hell Rides Again.
Don't ask how I got back, I just did. Suffice to say that work frowns upon
management material that uses electrodes to gain client information.
Especially when you do it to the boss's in-laws. That's his entertainment.
So I'm back in the saddle. Unfortunately, that means there's a surplus of
operators in the computer room. One slam of the tape safe door later, the
problem is solved. The knocking dies down in a couple of hours, so I guess
the safes really *are* airtight.
To welcome myself back, I send a message out saying there's a shutdown in
10 minutes. 5 minutes later I shut the system down. I love doing that.
I see the hard-disk activity lights flicker as the "disk recovery" phase of
startup run through, globally deleting journal files. Funny how we always
start up with lots of free disk..
I just get Wolfenstein started and the phone rings. What the hell, I almost
missed it while I was away, so I answer it.
"Computer Room" I say
"THAT WASN'T TEN MINUTES!!!!" the voice at the other end screams
"What wasn't 10 minutes?" I ask in a pleasant manner. I can see that things
have deteriorated in my absence. Spare the rod and spoil the rm -r, that's
what I always say.
"THAT! You said it was going to be te... >pause<... Um, who is this?"
"This is the Operator; who did you expect it to be?"
"Darren? Is that Darren?"
"Uh, No. Darren.. Darren is... unavailable... at the moment."
"Oh. Do you know when he'll be back in the control room?"
"Probably around the time of our next backup - the year 2007 or sometime
thereabouts I should imagine"
He's toying with asking me if he can recover their files or not. I let
him dangle for a few moments.
"Was that all?", I say, nice as pie
"Well.... NO, it doesn't matter"
"Of course it doesn't. Would you like me to check if your files are ok?" I
prompt
"Would you? I'm a bit new to this system and I'm not too sure what to do"
"Sure. What was your username?"
Everything inside him is screaming at him not to say it - People beside him
are screaming at him not to say it.
He says it.
You just can't tell some people.
"Ok. Well, it looks ok to me, all your files are in perfect condition!" I say
"THEY ARE!! GREAT!!"
The relief in his voice is overwhelming
>clickety< >clickety<
"Yep. Both your x-defaults and AND your newsrc file are ok"
"But.. But what about my site monitoring data?"
"Sorry?"
"There were about 10 files in my research subdirectory, data I'd collected
over the past year."
"Oh. Well, I can't see anything. Perhaps you backed them up somewhere?"
"I put a copy in my girlfriend's account.."
"What was her username?"
"Uh.... >pause< ... "
Is he going to do it? Is he?
He does.
Like running down a snail with a steamroller...
>clickety clickety<
"Nope, nothing there either. OH! Hang on, there looks like some form
of journal file in your account, it's quite large... I think maybe you should
login there and try to recover with it..."
I cat about 100 man files together and slop them in his girlfriends
account under then name "rsrch.j"
"How do I do that?"
"Ok; can you login yet?"
"Yeah, I think so..... Ok, I'm logged in"
"Ok, You need to run the file thru the mailer to clear the eigth bit, other-
wise the journal recovery will probably choke with an instruction error"
>DUMMY MODE ON<
"Oh... How do I do that?"
"Well, you have to type in `mail root < rsrch.j'"
"Ok!"
"HANG ON! You have to type it with your nose."
"WH..? WHY?"
I flip the excuse card till something appropriate pops up. "HARDWARE STRESS
FRACTURES"
"Well, it's got to do with hardware stress fractures. You probably type too
hard with your fingers which upsets the internals of the keyboard. It's
got to do with dry joints and electromagnetic inductance"
>DUMMY MODE IRREVOCABLY ON<
"Oh. Ok"
"Now, you've got to type it in 20 times"
"Sure, ok"
He hangs up.
I ring campus security
"Hey, we've got another crazy in the lab. Apparently he's typing with his
nose. He might be armed..."
3 minutes later I hear the shots. I close his account, he won't be needing
it any more..
The phone rings. It's my mum.
"Hi Ma, what can I do for you"
"Simon, I've got a problem at work, the floppy disk with all my personal stuff
on it is failing I think"
"Oh. Ok. Well, have you got any nail polish remover and some cotton wool
buds?"
"Yes"
"Ok, take your disk out, and clean that brown stuff off the inside of the disk.
That's what gets the heads dirty. You should just have a nice clean plastic
disk when you've cleaned it completely"
"Oh, Ok Simon, Thanks"
"You're welcome. Oh; remember that time you wouldn't let me go over to
Graeme's place to watch videos when I was 5?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Nothing.."
--
Simon Travaglia, spt@waikato.ac.nz
humor/COMPUTER/BOFH/bofh15.txt
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From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
Subject: The BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #15
THE BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #15
It's a warm afternoon in the computer room. I dunno, maybe I should turn
the chillers back on, but what the hell, I've got a cold and I need to keep
warm if I go into the machine room.
I flip today's excuse card. Magnetic Interferance from Money/Credit Cards.
Hmmm, vague enough to be plausible. The phone rings
"Hello, Computer Room" I say
"Hi!" the caller says "I want to fit some RAM to my machine to upgrade the
memory. I just bought some 4 meg chips off a guy in town and wanted to know
if you guys would fit it."
"Well," I say "normally we would, but today the technicians are busy trying to
gas axe open our tape safe to see why it smells - You could probably fit it
yourself though.."
"Really? I thought that was dangerous?" she says
"Nah nah, it's safe as houses, just remember to get the chips out of those
stupid plastic bags before they stuff them up altogether"
"Really?! How do they do that?"
"Well, you've heard of static RAM right?"
"Yes..."
"Well, Why pack static RAM in an antistatic bag? Sounds really suspect if
you ask me!!! Yours might even be stuffed already, so you'd better remove
them.."
>D.M. ON<
"Oh >crinkle crinkle< Ok. Now what do I do?"
"Ok, you'll need to get rid of the charge those bags have probably given
your RAM, after all, you don't want to blow up your computer, do you? Get
rid of any woolens that you're wearing and switch to nylon. Run round some
cheap carpet, then comb your hair a couple of dozen times and then plug the
chips into the comb to keep them steady. Turn your machine on, then plug
the memory in and out about 10 times to get the slots warmed up. Then slop
them back in, flick the power switch half a dozen times and that should
do it!"
"Hey thanks!"
"Don't mention a thing, all part of the service"
I leave for lunch - after all I have been here for 10 minutes solid - and
walk past the student labs. I hear a mass of beeping and look round to see
a user's screen full of garbage. They've either typed an image file or
fingered my account and got the core file I renamed as .plan. By the time
he gets his terminal sorted out, his allocation of connect time will be all
used up. A tragic shame.
I get back from lunch early a couple of hours later and slip into the Usenet
news directory tree, slide on down to alt.binaries.pictures.erotica, then
start deleting parts 3 or 4 of the really long gifs. (After taking a copies
myself and overwriting them to the last user backup tape, of course).
Then I get ready to watch the videos I got out from the video shop by taking
the printers offline and disconnecting the phone, and I notice that the frame
-grabber video player is gone from the office. Someone has obviously moved
it while I was away...
I make some discrete enquiries under the threat of rm -r, and find out that
the secretary now has posession of it. So I mosey on down and ask to take
it away. Only I can't because I've got to sign *THE BOOK*, saying when it
will be back, how many minutes of tape I'm going to put thru it, if I'm
going to be watching PAL or NTSC etc. Then it's all fed into her *personal*
computer (which I'm not allowed to touch because it doesn't belong to us) so
she can produce full colour plots about who's not working in the department.
I mention that it's not coming back - as I was the person that put the hammer
through the frame grabber in the first place, I should be the one to hold
the video. She then tells me that that's not acceptable, and I will have to
find some other video to use, she needs access to get to the video 24 hours a
day, in case someone needs it. And because she takes her PC home at night, I
needn't think that I can fake any borrowing records. All this I see for what
it really is - a thinly disguised attempt to gain access to the seat of power
(The Operators Room) by the Bastard Secretary from Hell.
I decide to let it slide for once, after all she does get the snail mail
into the correct distribution slots about 20% of the time, so that can't be
so bad.
Next morning, I get in about 2pm and find that I have three departmental
memos about the status of other stuff that is in the Computer Room that has
been "incorrectly inventorised" as "Awaiting Repair" (The shithead technician
has been leaking privileged information in an effort to score the secretary
again - A tragic shame, I used to quite like him..) with a note from the Big
Boss authorizing the secretary to investigate. Attached to all that is a
note from the secretary herself stating that to action this she requires a 24
hour access key to the Computer Room.
ONCE AGAIN I realise that letting things slide never pays off. I look up the
secretary's RS232, Ethernet, Appletalk and Phone port numbers and yank them
from the comms rack. What the hell, I kick the circuit breakers to her power
points and lighting too while I'm at it. Then I strip off some mains cable &
plug it in..
The phone rings a couple of minutes later.
"WHAT'S HAPPENED TO MY ROOM?!" the secretary screeches at me.
"Your room?" I say, in a pleasant and innocent manner, using caller ID to
track down the room she's in. Ah! Just down the corridor
"Yes, MY ROOM! The power's gone off and everything is dead"
"Oh dear. What were you doing when the power went off? Perhaps you did
something stupid?"
"I did NOT! I was working on *my* PC!"
The way she says "*my*" is really getting to annoy me.
"You were working on *your* PC?" I say, reflectively.
"Yes!" She snarls
"Not your *own* *very personal* computer?"
"Yes.." She doesn't know what I'm getting at yet.
And now I exercise the basic law of Bastard Operating which roughly says,
Bastard Operators don't just win. Anyone can win. Bastard Operators win
and totally DEMORALISE. That's *real* winning.
"I hope you switched your machine off before you called"
"Why?" she barks, a little uncertain.
"Well, it's just that personal property isn't covered by the site insurance
policy. Why, if there was a power surge, heaven knows WHAT could happen to
an expensive peice of delicate *personal* machinery like..."
I hear her place the receiver down *very* quietly and sprint on tippy toe to
the door. As I repeatedly toggle her circuit breaker I start thinking about
what I'll be watching on video this afternoon... Still on the phone, I hear
a bang way in the background which probably means her pc has shit itself...
10 minutes later the phone in the control room. It's the secretary, and she
sounds a little stressed. I manage to translater her sporadic outbursts
into a request that her lines be connected to her terminal. I tell her they
are, and has she got the technician to look at it. She hangs up.
No sense of humour.
10 minutes later still, the technician rings up and tells me all the
secretaries lines are dead. I tell him I'll check them out, then plug her
ethernet, phone and Appletalk back in. Which leaves RS232...
Another 10 minutes later I'm startled out of my snooze by the phone. It's
the technician still greasing the secretary by being super-efficient. He
tells me the RS232 still isn't working. I make some excuse about dry joints
on the plug etc, and ask him to put a new plug on the cable. I hear the
>snip!< as he clips the old plug off, and the receiver rattle as he starts
to strip the wire in a manly way with his teeth. Then I connect the mains
cable to my end of the RS232.
As soon I hear the ">ERRRRRREEEERRKKK!<" coming down the receiver at me, I
know that the "incorrect inventory" problem won't be repeated.
Another problem solved by the Bastard Operator from Hell
It's a dirty, filthy, stinking dog-kill-dog job, but someone's got to enjoy it
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the final chapter (at least for a while). I'm off to find a job in
Britian somewhere in a couple of weeks, so I'll let BOFH rest. Funnily
enough, someone sent me a copy of BOFH #1 with someone else's name as author
the other day - they thought I might be interested in it..
Live long and prosper! - Simon spt@waikato.ac.nz
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
humor/COMPUTER/BOFH/index.gemini
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# BOFH
The Bastard Operator From Hell Series
## FILES
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/BOFH/bofh01.txt [ 3737] Bastard Operator From Hell #1
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/BOFH/bofh02.txt [ 2253] Bastard Operator From Hell #2
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/BOFH/bofh03.txt [ 3312] Bastard Operator From Hell #3
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/BOFH/bofh04.txt [ 3446] Bastard Operator From Hell #4
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/BOFH/bofh05.txt [ 3688] Bastard Operator From Hell #5
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/BOFH/bofh06.txt [ 2537] Bastard Operator From Hell #6
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/BOFH/bofh07.txt [ 5040] Bastard Operator From Hell #7
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/BOFH/bofh08.txt [ 3507] Bastard Operator From Hell #8
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/BOFH/bofh09.txt [ 3450] Bastard Operator From Hell #9
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/BOFH/bofh10.txt [ 4167] Bastard Operator From Hell #10
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/BOFH/bofh11.txt [ 3117] Bastard Operator From Hell #11
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/BOFH/bofh12.txt [ 4411] Bastard Operator From Hell #12
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/BOFH/bofh13.txt [ 3882] Bastard Operator From Hell #13
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/BOFH/bofh14.txt [ 4862] Bastard Operator From Hell #14: The Bastard Rides Again
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/BOFH/bofh15.txt [ 8401] Bastard Operator From Hell #15
humor/COMPUTER/HackTest.512
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From @MCC.COM:werner%sw.MCC.COM@MCC.COM Tue Jun 6 19:02:37 1989
Flags: 000000000201
From: frankel@Think.COM 1-Jun-89 1634 EDT
To: sollins@lcs.mit.edu,toby@lcs.mit.edu
Subj: The Hacker Test - Version 1.0
THE HACKER TEST - Version 1.0
Preface: 06.16.89
This test was conceived and written by Felix Lee, John Hayes and Angela
Thomas at the end of the spring semester, 1989. It has gone through
many revisions prior to this initial release, and will undoubtedly go
through many more.
(Herewith a compendium of fact and folklore about computer hackerdom,
cunningly disguised as a test.)
Scoring - Count 1 for each item that you have done, or each
question that you can answer correctly.
If you score is between: You are
0x000 and 0x010 -> Computer Illiterate
0x011 and 0x040 -> a User
0x041 and 0x080 -> an Operator
0x081 and 0x0C0 -> a Nerd
0x0C1 and 0x100 -> a Hacker
0x101 and 0x180 -> a Guru
0x181 and 0x200 -> a Wizard
Note: If you don't understand the scoring, stop here.
And now for the questions...
0001 Have you ever used a computer?
0002 ... for more than 4 hours continuously?
0003 ... more than 8 hours?
0004 ... more than 16 hours?
0005 ... more than 32 hours?
0006 Have you ever patched paper tape?
0007 Have you ever missed a class while programming?
0008 ... Missed an examination?
0009 ... Missed a wedding?
0010 ... Missed your own wedding?
0011 Have you ever programmed while intoxicated?
0012 ... Did it make sense the next day?
0013 Have you ever written a flight simulator?
0014 Have you ever voided the warranty on your equipment?
0015 Ever change the value of 4?
0016 ... Unintentionally?
0017 ... In a language other than Fortran?
0018 Do you use DWIM to make life interesting?
0019 Have you named a computer?
0020 Do you complain when a "feature" you use gets fixed?
0021 Do you eat slime-molds?
0022 Do you know how many days old you are?
0023 Have you ever wanted to download pizza?
0024 Have you ever invented a computer joke?
0025 ... Did someone not 'get' it?
0026 Can you recite Jabberwocky?
0027 ... Backwards?
0028 Have you seen "Donald Duck in Mathemagic Land"?
0029 Have you seen "Tron"?
0030 Have you seen "Wargames"?
0031 Do you know what ASCII stands for?
0032 ... EBCDIC?
0033 Can you read and write ASCII in hex or octal?
0034 Do you know the names of all the ASCII control codes?
0035 Can you read and write EBCDIC in hex?
0036 Can you convert from EBCDIC to ASCII and vice versa?
0037 Do you know what characters are the same in both ASCII and EBCDIC?
0038 Do you know maxint on your system?
0039 Ever define your own numerical type to get better precision?
0040 Can you name powers of two up to 2**16 in arbitrary order?
0041 ... up to 2**32?
0042 ... up to 2**64?
0043 Can you read a punched card, looking at the holes?
0044 ... feeling the holes?
0045 Have you ever patched binary code?
0046 ... While the program was running?
0047 Have you ever used program overlays?
0048 Have you met any IBM vice-president?
0049 Do you know Dennis, Bill, or Ken?
0050 Have you ever taken a picture of a CRT?
0051 Have you ever played a videotape on your CRT?
0052 Have you ever digitized a picture?
0053 Did you ever forget to mount a scratch monkey?
0054 Have you ever optimized an idle loop?
0055 Did you ever optimize a bubble sort?
0056 Does your terminal/computer talk to you?
0057 Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?
0058 ... Did it answer?
0059 Can you whistle 300 baud?
0060 ... 1200 baud?
0061 Can you whistle a telephone number?
0062 Have you witnessed a disk crash?
0063 Have you made a disk drive "walk"?
0064 Can you build a puffer train?
0065 ... Do you know what it is?
0066 Can you play music on your line printer?
0067 ... Your disk drive?
0068 ... Your tape drive?
0069 Do you have a Snoopy calendar?
0070 ... Is it out-of-date?
0071 Do you have a line printer picture of...
0072 ... the Mona Lisa?
0073 ... the Enterprise?
0074 ... Einstein?
0075 ... Oliver?
0076 Have you ever made a line printer picture?
0077 Do you know what the following stand for?
0078 ... DASD
0079 ... Emacs
0080 ... ITS
0081 ... RSTS/E
0082 ... SNA
0083 ... Spool
0084 ... TCP/IP
Have you ever used
0085 ... TPU?
0086 ... TECO?
0087 ... Emacs?
0088 ... ed?
0089 ... vi?
0090 ... Xedit (in VM/CMS)?
0091 ... SOS?
0092 ... EDT?
0093 ... Wordstar?
0094 Have you ever written a CLIST?
Have you ever programmed in
0095 ... the X windowing system?
0096 ... CICS?
0097 Have you ever received a Fax or a photocopy of a floppy?
0098 Have you ever shown a novice the "any" key?
0099 ... Was it the power switch?
Have you ever attended
0100 ... Usenix?
0101 ... DECUS?
0102 ... SHARE?
0103 ... SIGGRAPH?
0104 ... NetCon?
0105 Have you ever participated in a standards group?
0106 Have you ever debugged machine code over the telephone?
0107 Have you ever seen voice mail?
0108 ... Can you read it?
0109 Do you solve word puzzles with an on-line dictionary?
0110 Have you ever taken a Turing test?
0111 ... Did you fail?
0112 Ever drop a card deck?
0113 ... Did you successfully put it back together?
0114 ... Without looking?
0115 Have you ever used IPCS?
0116 Have you ever received a case of beer with your computer?
0117 Does your computer come in 'designer' colors?
0118 Ever interrupted a UPS?
0119 Ever mask an NMI?
0120 Have you ever set off a Halon system?
0121 ... Intentionally?
0122 ... Do you still work there?
0123 Have you ever hit the emergency power switch?
0124 ... Intentionally?
0125 Do you have any defunct documentation?
0126 ... Do you still read it?
0127 Ever reverse-engineer or decompile a program?
0128 ... Did you find bugs in it?
0129 Ever help the person behind the counter with their terminal/computer?
0130 Ever tried rack mounting your telephone?
0131 Ever thrown a computer from more than two stories high?
0132 Ever patched a bug the vendor does not acknowledge?
0133 Ever fix a hardware problem in software?
0134 ... Vice versa?
0135 Ever belong to a user/support group?
0136 Ever been mentioned in Computer Recreations?
0137 Ever had your activities mentioned in the newspaper?
0138 ... Did you get away with it?
0139 Ever engage a drum brake while the drum was spinning?
0140 Ever write comments in a non-native language?
0141 Ever physically destroy equipment from software?
0142 Ever tried to improve your score on the Hacker Test?
0143 Do you take listings with you to lunch?
0144 ... To bed?
0145 Ever patch a microcode bug?
0146 ... around a microcode bug?
0147 Can you program a Turing machine?
0148 Can you convert postfix to prefix in your head?
0149 Can you convert hex to octal in your head?
0150 Do you know how to use a Kleene star?
0151 Have you ever starved while dining with philosophers?
0152 Have you solved the halting problem?
0153 ... Correctly?
0154 Ever deadlock trying eating spaghetti?
0155 Ever written a self-reproducing program?
0156 Ever swapped out the swapper?
0157 Can you read a state diagram?
0158 ... Do you need one?
0159 Ever create an unkillable program?
0160 ... Intentionally?
0161 Ever been asked for a cookie?
0162 Ever speed up a system by removing a jumper?
* Do you know...
0163 Do you know who wrote Rogue?
0164 ... Rogomatic?
0165 Do you know Gray code?
0166 Do you know what HCF means?
0167 ... Ever use it?
0168 ... Intentionally?
0169 Do you know what a lace card is?
0170 ... Ever make one?
0171 Do you know the end of the epoch?
0172 ... Have you celebrated the end of an epoch?
0173 ... Did you have to rewrite code?
0174 Do you know the difference between DTE and DCE?
0175 Do you know the RS-232C pinout?
0176 ... Can you wire a connector without looking?
* Do you have...
0177 Do you have a copy of Dec Wars?
0178 Do you have the Canonical Collection of Lightbulb Jokes?
0179 Do you have a copy of the Hacker's dictionary?
0180 ... Did you contribute to it?
0181 Do you have a flowchart template?
0182 ... Is it unused?
0183 Do you have your own fortune-cookie file?
0184 Do you have the Anarchist's Cookbook?
0185 ... Ever make anything from it?
0186 Do you own a modem?
0187 ... a terminal?
0188 ... a toy computer?
0189 ... a personal computer?
0190 ... a minicomputer?
0191 ... a mainframe?
0192 ... a supercomputer?
0193 ... a hypercube?
0194 ... a printer?
0195 ... a laser printer?
0196 ... a tape drive?
0197 ... an outmoded peripheral device?
0198 Do you have a programmable calculator?
0199 ... Is it RPN?
0200 Have you ever owned more than 1 computer?
0201 ... 4 computers?
0202 ... 16 computers?
0203 Do you have a SLIP line?
0204 ... a T1 line?
0205 Do you have a separate phone line for your terminal/computer?
0206 ... Is it legal?
0207 Do you have core memory?
0208 ... drum storage?
0209 ... bubble memory?
0210 Do you use more than 16 megabytes of disk space?
0211 ... 256 megabytes?
0212 ... 1 gigabyte?
0213 ... 16 gigabytes?
0214 ... 256 gigabytes?
0215 ... 1 terabyte?
0216 Do you have an optical disk/disk drive?
0217 Do you have a personal magnetic tape library?
0218 ... Is it unlabelled?
0219 Do you own more than 16 floppy disks?
0220 ... 64 floppy disks?
0221 ... 256 floppy disks?
0222 ... 1024 floppy disks?
0223 Do you have any 8-inch disks?
0224 Do you have an internal stack?
0225 Do you have a clock interrupt?
0226 Do you own volumes 1 to 3 of _The Art of Computer Programming_?
0227 ... Have you done all the exercises?
0228 ... Do you have a MIX simulator?
0229 ... Can you name the unwritten volumes?
0230 Can you quote from _The Mythical Man-month_?
0231 ... Did you participate in the OS/360 project?
0232 Do you have a TTL handbook?
0233 Do you have printouts more than three years old?
* Career
0234 Do you have a job?
0235 ... Have you ever had a job?
0236 ... Was it computer-related?
0237 Do you work irregular hours?
0238 Have you ever been a system administrator?
0239 Do you have more megabytes than megabucks?
0240 Have you ever downgraded your job to upgrade your processing power?
0241 Is your job secure?
0242 ... Do you have code to prove it?
0243 Have you ever had a security clearance?
* Games
0244 Have you ever played Pong?
Have you ever played
0246 ... Spacewar?
0247 ... Star Trek?
0248 ... Wumpus?
0249 ... Lunar Lander?
0250 ... Empire?
Have you ever beaten
0251 ... Moria 4.8?
0252 ... Rogue 3.6?
0253 ... Rogue 5.3?
0254 ... Larn?
0255 ... Hack 1.0.3?
0256 ... Nethack 2.4?
0257 Can you get a better score on Rogue than Rogomatic?
0258 Have you ever solved Adventure?
0259 ... Zork?
0260 Have you ever written any redcode?
0261 Have you ever written an adventure program?
0262 ... a real-time game?
0263 ... a multi-player game?
0264 ... a networked game?
0265 Can you out-doctor Eliza?
* Hardware
0266 Have you ever used a light pen?
0267 ... did you build it?
Have you ever used
0268 ... a teletype?
0269 ... a paper tape?
0270 ... a decwriter?
0271 ... a card reader/punch?
0272 ... a SOL?
Have you ever built
0273 ... an Altair?
0274 ... a Heath/Zenith computer?
Do you know how to use
0275 ... an oscilliscope?
0276 ... a voltmeter?
0277 ... a frequency counter?
0278 ... a logic probe?
0279 ... a wirewrap tool?
0280 ... a soldering iron?
0281 ... a logic analyzer?
0282 Have you ever designed an LSI chip?
0283 ... has it been fabricated?
0284 Have you ever etched a printed circuit board?
* Historical
0285 Have you ever toggled in boot code on the front panel?
0286 ... from memory?
0287 Can you program an Eniac?
0288 Ever seen a 90 column card?
* IBM
0289 Do you recite IBM part numbers in your sleep?
0290 Do you know what IBM part number 7320154 is?
0291 Do you understand 3270 data streams?
0292 Do you know what the VM privilege classes are?
0293 Have you IPLed an IBM off the tape drive?
0294 ... off a card reader?
0295 Can you sing something from the IBM Songbook?
* Languages
0296 Do you know more than 4 programming languages?
0297 ... 8 languages?
0298 ... 16 languages?
0299 ... 32 languages?
0300 Have you ever designed a programming language?
0301 Do you know what Basic stands for?
0302 ... Pascal?
0303 Can you program in Basic?
0304 ... Do you admit it?
0305 Can you program in Cobol?
0306 ... Do you deny it?
0307 Do you know Pascal?
0308 ... Modula-2?
0309 ... Oberon?
0310 ... More that two Wirth languages?
0311 ... Can you recite a Nicklaus Wirth joke?
0312 Do you know Algol-60?
0313 ... Algol-W?
0314 ... Algol-68?
0315 ... Do you understand the Algol-68 report?
0316 ... Do you like two-level grammars?
0317 Can you program in assembler on 2 different machines?
0318 ... on 4 different machines?
0319 ... on 8 different machines?
Do you know
0320 ... APL?
0321 ... Ada?
0322 ... BCPL?
0323 ... C++?
0324 ... C?
0325 ... Comal?
0326 ... Eiffel?
0327 ... Forth?
0328 ... Fortran?
0329 ... Hypertalk?
0330 ... Icon?
0331 ... Lisp?
0332 ... Logo?
0333 ... MIIS?
0334 ... MUMPS?
0335 ... PL/I?
0336 ... Pilot?
0337 ... Plato?
0338 ... Prolog?
0339 ... RPG?
0340 ... Rexx (or ARexx)?
0341 ... SETL?
0342 ... Smalltalk?
0343 ... Snobol?
0344 ... VHDL?
0345 ... any assembly language?
0346 Can you talk VT-100?
0347 ... Postscript?
0348 ... SMTP?
0349 ... UUCP?
0350 ... English?
* Micros
0351 Ever copy a copy-protected disk?
0352 Ever create a copy-protection scheme?
0353 Have you ever made a "flippy" disk?
0354 Have you ever recovered data from a damaged disk?
0355 Ever boot a naked floppy?
* Networking
0356 Have you ever been logged in to two different timezones at once?
0357 Have you memorized the UUCP map for your country?
0358 ... For any country?
0359 Have you ever found a sendmail bug?
0360 ... Was it a security hole?
0361 Have you memorized the HOSTS.TXT table?
0362 ... Are you up to date?
0363 Can you name all the top-level nameservers and their addresses?
0364 Do you know RFC-822 by heart?
0365 ... Can you recite all the errors in it?
0366 Have you written a Sendmail configuration file?
0367 ... Does it work?
0368 ... Do you mumble "defocus" in your sleep?
0369 Do you know the max packet lifetime?
* Operating systems
Can you use
0370 ... BSD Unix?
0371 ... non-BSD Unix?
0372 ... AIX
0373 ... VM/CMS?
0374 ... VMS?
0375 ... MVS?
0376 ... VSE?
0377 ... RSTS/E?
0378 ... CP/M?
0379 ... COS?
0380 ... NOS?
0381 ... CP-67?
0382 ... RT-11?
0383 ... MS-DOS?
0384 ... Finder?
0385 ... PRODOS?
0386 ... more than one OS for the TRS-80?
0387 ... Tops-10?
0388 ... Tops-20?
0389 ... OS-9?
0390 ... OS/2?
0391 ... AOS/VS?
0392 ... Multics?
0393 ... ITS?
0394 ... Vulcan?
0395 Have you ever paged or swapped off a tape drive?
0396 ... Off a card reader/punch?
0397 ... Off a teletype?
0398 ... Off a networked (non-local) disk?
0399 Have you ever found an operating system bug?
0400 ... Did you exploit it?
0401 ... Did you report it?
0402 ... Was your report ignored?
0403 Have you ever crashed a machine?
0404 ... Intentionally?
* People
0405 Do you know any people?
0406 ... more than one?
0407 ... more than two?
* Personal
0408 Are your shoelaces untied?
0409 Do you interface well with strangers?
0410 Are you able to recite phone numbers for half-a-dozen computer systems
but unable to recite your own?
0411 Do you log in before breakfast?
0412 Do you consume more than LD-50 caffeine a day?
0413 Do you answer either-or questions with "yes"?
0414 Do you own an up-to-date copy of any operating system manual?
0415 ... *every* operating system manual?
0416 Do other people have difficulty using your customized environment?
0417 Do you dream in any programming languages?
0418 Do you have difficulty focusing on three-dimensional objects?
0419 Do you ignore mice?
0420 Do you despise the CAPS LOCK key?
0421 Do you believe menus belong in restaurants?
0422 Do you have a Mandelbrot hanging on your wall?
0423 Have you ever decorated with magnetic tape or punched cards?
0424 Do you have a disk platter or a naked floppy hanging in your home?
0425 Have you ever seen the dawn?
0426 ... Twice in a row?
0427 Do you use "foobar" in daily conversation?
0428 ... "bletch"?
0429 Do you use the "P convention"?
0430 Do you automatically respond to any user question with RTFM?
0431 ... Do you know what it means?
0432 Do you think garbage collection means memory management?
0433 Do you have problems allocating horizontal space in your room/office?
0434 Do you read Scientific American in bars to pick up women?
0435 Is your license plate computer-related?
0436 Have you ever taken the Purity test?
0437 Ever have an out-of-CPU experience?
0438 Have you ever set up a blind date over the computer?
0439 Do you talk to the person next to you via computer?
* Programming
0440 Can you write a Fortran compiler?
0441 ... In TECO?
0442 Can you read a machine dump?
0443 Can you disassemble code in your head?
Have you ever written
0444 ... a compiler?
0445 ... an operating system?
0446 ... a device driver?
0447 ... a text processor?
0448 ... a display hack?
0449 ... a database system?
0450 ... an expert system?
0451 ... an edge detector?
0452 ... a real-time control system?
0453 ... an accounting package?
0454 ... a virus?
0455 ... a prophylactic?
0456 Have you ever written a biorhythm program?
0457 ... Did you sell the output?
0458 ... Was the output arbitrarily invented?
0459 Have you ever computed pi to more than a thousand decimal places?
0460 ... the number e?
0461 Ever find a prime number of more than a hundred digits?
0462 Have you ever written self-modifying code?
0463 ... Are you proud of it?
0464 Did you ever write a program that ran correctly the first time?
0465 ... Was it longer than 20 lines?
0466 ... 100 lines?
0467 ... Was it in assembly language?
0468 ... Did it work the second time?
0469 Can you solve the Towers of Hanoi recursively?
0470 ... Non-recursively?
0471 ... Using the Troff text formatter?
0472 Ever submit an entry to the Obfuscated C code contest?
0473 ... Did it win?
0474 ... Did your entry inspire a new rule?
0475 Do you know Duff's device?
0476 Do you know Jensen's device?
0477 Ever spend ten minutes trying to find a single-character error?
0478 ... More than an hour?
0479 ... More than a day?
0480 ... More than a week?
0481 ... Did the first person you show it to find it immediately?
* Unix
0482 Can you use Berkeley Unix?
0483 .. Non-Berkeley Unix?
0484 Can you distinguish between sections 4 and 5 of the Unix manual?
0485 Can you find TERMIO in the System V release 2 documentation?
0486 Have you ever mounted a tape as a Unix file system?
0487 Have you ever built Minix?
0488 Can you answer "quiz function ed-command" correctly?
0489 ... How about "quiz ed-command function"?
* Usenet
0490 Do you read news?
0491 ... More than 32 newsgroups?
0492 ... More than 256 newsgroups?
0493 ... All the newsgroups?
0494 Have you ever posted an article?
0495 ... Do you post regularly?
0496 Have you ever posted a flame?
0497 ... Ever flame a cross-posting?
0498 ... Ever flame a flame?
0499 ... Do you flame regularly?
0500 Ever have your program posted to a source newsgroup?
0501 Ever forge a posting?
0502 Ever form a new newsgroup?
0503 ... Does it still exist?
0504 Do you remember
0505 ... mod.ber?
0506 ... the Stupid People's Court?
0507 ... Bandy-grams?
* Phreaking
0508 Have you ever built a black box?
0509 Can you name all of the 'colors' of boxes?
0510 ... and their associated functions?
0511 Does your touch tone phone have 16 DTMF buttons on it?
0512 Did the breakup of MaBell create more opportunities for you?
humor/COMPUTER/_vax.bugs
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VAXOLOGY
There is a computer named VAX,
Which is totally loaded with hacks,
But the real piece of crap
Is the overflow trap,
Which an old-PC register lacks.
It's got byte-string instructions galore,
But the packed decimal format is poor,
And the halfword length means
That it isn't worth beans,
Just like the 360's of yore.
Oh, the branch mnemonics are losing,
And the right to left numbers confusing,
But the thing that's a pain,
An efficiency drain,
Is the miniscule page size they're using.
Well, they give you lots of good stuff,
And the address space size is enough,
But you can't do an "exch",
And it makes you say "bletch",
When you see all the RSX cruft.
humor/COMPUTER/accgag.txt
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Brought to you by...
WinPoint BBS
The Best Tools for Microsoft Windows
Modem: (219) 436-4778 14,400 - 2400 24hrs, every day
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to see the secret gag file and credits for MS Access
1) Start up MS Access.
2) Open the NWIND sample database that came with MS Access.
3) Create a new table, give the table one field of any type but don't
make it a primary key.
4) Save the table off with the file name "cirrus" in lower case letters.
Again, when the save occurs, MS Access will ask you about making a
Primary Key. Don't make one.
5) Leave the cirrus table up on-screen but make the table container
window the active window.
6) Highlight cirrus in the table container window. Just highlight it,
don't click on it.
7) Now, with all that, touch "Help" at the top line menu and then select
"About Microsoft Access..." from the drop down menu.
8) You now have the version info box on the screen. At the left side
of the screen is the MS Access logo that has a picture of a key in it.
9) Position the mouse curser over the MS Access logo (but don't click yet).
10) Now...hold down the CNTL and the SHIFT key together while simultaneously
clicking the mouse with the RIGHT mouse button.
Notes:
A) The names of all listed people in each credit area, except one, are
displayed alphabetically by their first name (a mistake on field
selection??). Guess who's the person not listed alphabetically (he's
displayed last).
humor/COMPUTER/acronyms.hum
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LEN ANDERSON 04/19/85 at 10:58:07
-
ACRONYMS of Computers Explained -
Most hackers use the following acronyms without a
thought about their derivation. To make things
perfectly clear, the following is presented for the avid
computer hacker:
-
ASCII.......American Standard Code of Interference
Injection
EBCDIC......Extended Binary-Coded Disastrous
Interference Cause
IBM.........Itty Bitty Machine
CP/M........Confused Processing (of disk) Machinery
DOS.........Disturbed Organization System
-
LANGUAGES
-
BASIC.......Beginners' All-Suspect Intelligence Confuser
FORTRAN.....FORmula TRANsgression
PASCAL......non-acronym, named after unknown French
mathematician Irving Pascal (1687-1661)
FORTH.......Hard To Remember Origin Facility (reverse-
notation acronym)
LISP........Logical Interleaving of Suspicious
Parameters (for those with artificial
intelligence instead of the real thing)
LOGO........Lesser Ordering of Gross Observations
ALGOL.......All Language Gone On Location
instructions for non-existant computer
-
COMPONENTS
-
CPU.........Central Procrastinator Unit
RAM.........Random Access Mistakes
ROM.........Randomly-Ordered Mistakes
EPROM.......Electrically-Positioned Randomly-Ordered
Mistakes
-
Those wishing to know more should consult your friendly
neighborhood computer salesperson. Contact the sender
at risk of your own sanity.
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open

humor/COMPUTER/acronyms.txt
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LEN ANDERSON 04/19/85 at 10:58:07
-
ACRONYMS of Computers Explained -
Most hackers use the following acronyms without a
thought about their derivation. To make things
perfectly clear, the following is presented for the avid
computer hacker:
-
ASCII.......American Standard Code of Interference
Injection
CP/M........Confused Processing (of disk) Machinery
DEC.........Dammned Expensive COpmuter
DOS.........Disturbed Organization System
EBCDIC......Extended Binary-Coded Disastrous
Interference Cause
IBM.........Itty Bitty Machine
-
LANGUAGES
-
BASIC.......Beginners' All-Suspect Intelligence Confuser
FORTRAN.....FORmula TRANsgression
PASCAL......non-acronym, named after unknown French
mathematician Irving Pascal (1687-1661)
FORTH.......Hard To Remember Origin Facility (reverse-
notation acronym)
LISP........Logical Interleaving of Suspicious
Parameters (for those with artificial
intelligence instead of the real thing)
LOGO........Lesser Ordering of Gross Observations
ALGOL.......All Language Gone On Location
instructions for non-existant computer
-
COMPONENTS
-
CPU.........Central Procrastinator Unit
RAM.........Random Access Mistakes
ROM.........Randomly-Ordered Mistakes
EPROM.......Electrically-Positioned Randomly-Ordered
Mistakes
-
Those wishing to know more should consult your friendly
neighborhood computer salesperson. Cont
humor/COMPUTER/actual_c.res
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*ABSOLUTELY UNCHANGED COMPILER RESPONSES*
(from a make of umoria 5.4 on an Apollo...)
[monsoon:umoria] 19} make
cc -O -c main.c
Compiler Errors
99 divide by 0 error: can't find source
033 linker attempting to 'duck tape' this 'gerbil' of a program
cc -O -c misc1.c
Compiler Errors
099 Warning: parser bug confuses : and ; and | at times
088 Warning: pointer passed to pointer; pointer loop
086 sin | more souls >! /dev/hell
cc -O -c misc2.c
Compiler Errors
00 function 'fuckit' not defined
666 you're going to hell for this code style
77 You learned to program in FORTRAN didn't you?
088 Warning: pointer passed to pointer; pointer loop
088 Warning: i before e, except after ;
cc -O -c misc3.c
Compiler Errors
101 can't find library 'stdlib.h'
******** Line 1725 of "misc3.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to mask is never
used;
assignment eliminated by optimizer.
******** Line 1858 of "misc3.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to mask is never
used;
assignment eliminated by optimizer.
******** Line 2203 of "misc3.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to flag is never
used;
assignment eliminated by optimizer.
cc -O -c misc4.c
Compiler Errors
14 parse error: I just don't get it
77 You learned to program in FORTRAN didn't you?
088 Warning: pointer passed to pointer; pointer loop
54 echo > /dev/console < 'mail richie@belcore.com < echo "Idiot coding c"'
1001001 funky
cc -O -c store1.c
Compiler Errors
14 parse error: I just don't get it
042 Alert: this code has holes, check for /dev/moths
77 You learned to program in FORTRAN didn't you?
1906 not a typewriter
******** Line 163 of "store1.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to min_sell is n
ever
used; assignment eliminated by optimizer.
cc -O -c files.c
Compiler Errors
77 You learned to program in FORTRAN didn't you?
1906 not a typewriter
******** Line 256 of "files.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to nobj is never
used;
assignment eliminated by optimizer.
******** Line 251 of "files.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to level is never
used;
assignment eliminated by optimizer.
cc -O -c io.c
Compiler Errors
088 Warning: pointer passed to pointer; pointer loop
1906 not a typewriter
000 cpp says it's hopeless but trying anyway
088 Warning: i before e, except after ;
57 construct '{while i--, c_d(*(i)) == *r; <[op_"*++}' failed
******** Line 1301 of "io.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to y is never used;
assignment eliminated by optimizer.
******** Line 1403 of "io.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to slen is never us
ed;
assignment eliminated by optimizer.
cc -O -c create.c
Compiler Errors
666 you're going to hell for this code style
055 trace warning: can't follow vectorized 'sprintf' function
cc -O -c desc.c
Compiler Errors
54 echo > /dev/console < 'mail richie@belcore.com < echo "Idiot coding c"'
055 trace warning: can't follow vectorized 'sprintf' function
cc -O -c generate.c
Compiler Errors
099 Warning: parser bug confuses : and ; and | at times
1 FOAD
033 linker attempting to 'duck tape' this 'gerbil' of a program
055 trace warning: can't follow vectorized 'sprintf' function
cc -O -c sets.c
Compiler Errors
042 Alert: this code has holes, check for /dev/moths
54 echo > /dev/console < 'mail richie@belcore.com < echo "Idiot coding c"'
1001001 funky
cc -O -c dungeon.c
Compiler Errors
666 you're going to hell for this code style
1906 not a typewriter
cc -O -c creature.c
Compiler Errors
099 Warning: parser bug confuses : and ; and | at times
cc -O -c eat.c
Compiler Errors
042 Alert: this code has holes, check for /dev/moths
088 Warning: pointer passed to pointer; pointer loop
57 construct '{while i--, c_d(*(i)) == *r; <[op_"*++}' failed
cc -O -c save.c
Compiler Errors
1 FOAD
101 can't find library 'stdlib.h'
1906 not a typewriter
000 cpp says it's hopeless but trying anyway
0x098ff 0x0ff00 > 0xfffff !! > ?
[and so on....]
humor/COMPUTER/actung.hum
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ACHTUNG!
--------
Das machine is nicht fur gerfingerpoken und mittengrabben.
Ist easy schnappen der Sprinngwerk, blowenfusen und
poppencorken mit spitzensparken.
Ist nicht fur gewerken by das Dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken
sightseeren keepen hands in das Pockets.
Relaxen und watch das blinkenlights...
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open

humor/COMPUTER/addict.dat
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$Q1: Do you own a modem?
$N: 0: STOP! Go no further. Anyone who would use a borrowed modem to access
$N: a BBS may one day become a BBS addict, but is not yet hooked.
$Y: 1:
$Q2: Is your modem capable of 1200 BPS or higher? (c'mon now, another
$Q2: obvious question, but one that needs asking...we need to weed out the
$Q2: impostors, here.)
$N: 0: Very good. You are exhibit the trait of patience, which is unusual
$N:among BBS addicts.
$Y: 1:
$Q3: Regardless of the speed of your modem (even if you have a 14,400 BPS
$Q3: monster-modem) do you wish your modem was faster?
$N: 0: Excellent. Once again, patience is demonstrated. Things are looking
$N:good for you.
$Y: 2: Uh Oh. This is an important danger sign!
$Q4: Have you used your modem in the past week?
$N: 0:
$Y: 1:
$Q5: Have you used your modem in the past 24 hours?
$N: 0:
$Y: 1:
$Q6: Have you used your modem in the past 30 minutes?
$N: 0:
$Y: 1: Hmmm...could be indicative of a problem...
$Q7: Do you regularly call more than 5 BBSs?
$N: 0: Ah. Restraint and moderation are indicated...very good prognosis.
$Y: 1:
$Q8: Do you regularly call more than 10 BBSs?
$N: 0: Not great, but still not necessarily dangerous.
$Y: 2: Another danger signal. You are beginning to look like a good candidate.
$Q9: Have you filled your dialing directory to capacity, and then call all of
$Q9: them?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: You are definitely beginning to show danger signs.
$Q10: Are your phone bills regularly over $100 per month?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2: Not good, not good...
$Q11: Are your phone bills regularly over $300 per month?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2: Whoooeee! You have it ba-a-a-d!
$Q12: Are your phone bills regularly over $500 per month?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: Oh dear me. I sincerely hope you are independently wealthy.
$Q13: Is there any other monthly bill that you pay that is higher than your
$Q13: phone bill?
$N: 4: Please lie down. Tell me, do you hate your mother?
$Y: 0:
$Q14: Is your phone bill so large it gets delivered by UPS?
$N: 0:
$Y: 4: You are definitely showing signs of addiction here...
$Q15: Do you tell yourself after receiving a phone bull that you will cut back
$Q15: on your long distance BBSing, and end up subscribing to Dial-A-Visit instead?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2: ~mumble~ serious symptoms of ~mumble~ ~mumble~ therapy ~mumble~
$Q16: Do you leave long, tearful announcements on long distance BBSs telling
$Q16: everyone that you will no longer be calling due to financial strains, and
$Q16: then check back every 3 or 4 days anyway, "just to see if anyone left me any
$Q16: mail?"
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: Classic symptomology...open your mouth and say Ahhhhh....
$Q17: Does your phone company send you hand-written thank-you notes?
$N: 0:
$Y: 4: Paging Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine and Dr. Howard...
$Q18: When you return from vacations, do you get a phone call from your phone
$Q18: company, asking if everything is alright?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3:
$Q19: Do you find yourself taking naps so that you can be awake and refreshed
$Q19: for a late-night BBS session?
$N: 0:
$Y: 4: Most addictive/compulsive behaviour can be traced to childhood trauma...
$Y: Did your parents ever threaten you with a telephone?
$Q20: Did you ever cancel a date because s/he wanted a late-night dinner (when
$Q20: the phone rates are lowest)?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: Social dysfunctionality is common among addictive personalities...
$Q21: Do you call during the morning hours, knowing that the phone rates are
$Q20: highest, with the excuse that "At least I'll be able to get on?"
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: Fiscal irresponsibility is another common trait of the compulsive
$Y: individual...
$Q22: Is your spouse ready to oil your keyboard to get rid of that annoying
$Q22: late-night "clickety-clack?"
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: Disruption of familial relations is quite common as well...
$Q23: Do you ever sleep for more than 2 hours at a stretch?
$N: 5: Sleep disorders are not at all uncommon among addicts.
$Q24: Have you suddenly discovered that you can touch-type, from all those BBS
$Q22: sessions done in the dark?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2: Coping mechanisms take unusual forms, sometimes. They can even appear
$Y: to be positive.
$Q25: Do you cringe when you see lightning coming your way, and rush to unplug
$Q25: your modem from the wall?
$N: 0: Either a calm, non-addict or an addict with a good surge protector...
$Y: 2:
$Q26: Do you continue your BBS session anyway because you are in the middle of
$Q25: a 1200 block download at 1200 BPS...and you don't want to foul it up?
$N: 0: Excellent. A well developed sense of priorities is a good sign.
$Y: 3: Priorities are lacking. Not a good sign...
$Q27: Do you own a backup generator so you can run your computer even when
$Q25: the power company can't?
$N: 0:
$Y: 4: Definitely compulsive, and probably obsessive as well...
$Q28: Do you have a complicated set of air motion devices hanging all around
$Q25: your computer and modem, because you never turn them off?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: Haven't you heard about environmental conservation?
$Q29: Have you ever logged onto a BBS, and then realized you had no idea what
$Q25: city, state or country it is in?
$N: 0: Good contact with reality is an important sign of stability.
$Y: 3: Lack of contact with reality is an important sign of instability.
$Q30: Can you log on a BBS, browse, and log off without ever having turned
$Q25: your monitor on?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2:
$Q31: Can your spouse spot you in a crowd from the back of your head?
$N: 0:
$Y: 1:
$Q32: Is there a worn spot on the rug in front of the computer?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2:
$Q33: Are the words "ON LINE" burnt into the screen of your monitor?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2:
$Q34: Do you know your modem initialization string by heart?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: Obsessive attention to trivia can be a sign of compulsive behaviour
$Q35: Do you consider yourself a militant non-techie, yet still know enough
$Q35: to change your modem initialization string to make the system run silently?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: Deception and secretiveness are both strong indications of addiciton
$Q36: Do you know more about what is going on in ther lives of the people
$Q35: in your BBS community than you do about the people with whom you live?
$N: 0:
$Y: 5: Disruption of familial responsibilities and contact is a very harmful
$Y: symptom of addiction.
$Q37: Do you order diskettes in lots of 100 or more?
$N: 0:
$Y: 1:
$Q38: Have you recently purchased a hard disk drive, because you have wearied
$Q35: of constantly flipping floppy diskettes in and out of your computer?
$N: 0:
$Y: 1:
$Q39: Have you discovered that the hard disk drive you just bought isn't
$Q35: large enough to hold all of your downloaded files, and you have to use
$Q35: floppy diskettes anyway?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2:
$Q40: Does your hard disk drive contain more files than any of the BBSs you
$Q35: call?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2:
$Q41: Do you actually use any of the files you download and archive?
$N: 3: Hoarding of useless items is a common activity among addicts.
$Y: 0:
$Q42: Do you compete with others to be the #1 user on every BBS you call?
$N: 0:
$Y: 4: An addict will often make blatant public displays of their dysfunctionality.
$Q43: Have you had to install yet another phone line into the house, because
$Q35: no one can reach you due to the busy signals?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2:
$Q44: Do you know how to disabled "Call Waiting" so as not to have petty
$Q35: voice calls interfere with your BBS connections?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2: There's that messed up sense of priorities again!
$Q45: Have you ever put a BBS on automatic re-dial, and waiting hours to get on?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3:
$Q46: ...and then suddenly be struck with an urgent need to visit the bathroom
$Q35: just as the word "CONNECT" appears on your screen?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2:
$Q47: Do you make it a point to call a SYSOP whose BBS is down, even if it is
$Q35: 4:00 A.M.?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: Willingness to inconvenience others in the persuit of one's addiction is
$Y: common and destructive to relationships.
$Q48: Do you have 9 zillion copies of your communications program...just in
$Q35: case any of the crashes?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3:
$Q49: Do you page the SYSOP for a chat, even though the message "SYSOP is
$Q35: unavailable" keeps appearing, because you think that s/he might see your
$Q35: page and answer anyway?
$N: 0:
$Y: 4: Desperation is not a good sign.
$Q50: Do SYSOPs hate you and wish that lightning would fry your modem?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2:
$Q51: Do you run to your computer in the morning to see what is happening in
$Q35: BBS-land, even before you have completed your morning toilet?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: Denial of personal needs in deference to practicing one's addiction is
$Y: a sign of a really dysfunctional individual.
$Q52: Are you late for work/school because you insist on answering all 235 net
$Q35: mail messages you've received overnight...all with one word replies?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3:
$Q53: Have you forgotten how to turn on your TV because it's been so long since
$Q35: you watched it?
$N: 0:
$Y: 1:
$Q54: Do you still own a TV?
$N: 3: A possible sign of addiction, but still not a bad idea!
$Y: 0: You may not be a BBS addict, but that TV will probably rot your brain!
$Q55: Have you ever found yourself talking on the phone at the same time that
$Q35: you are in chat with someone on the computer?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3:
$Q56: Have you ever found yourself chatting on the BBS and talking on the phone
$Q35: with the same person?
$N: 0:
$Y: 5: You appear to have an exceesive need for "bandwidth."
$Q57: Are you a SYSOP?
$N: 0:
$Y: 10: The ULTIMATE BBS addict! You are in DEEP trouble!
$Q58: As a sysop, have you had to go out and buy another computer because
$Q35: otherwise noone would be able to reach your BBS anyway?
$N: 0:
$Y: 10: Deeper and deeper...
$Q59: Do you ever call your own BBS?
$N: 0:
$Y: 5: ...and deeper still...
$Q60: Do you call your own BBS from another computer while siiting in the
$Q35: same house.
$N: 0:
$Y: 5:
$Q61: Do you ever call your BBS from another computer while sitting in the
$Q35: same room?
$N: 0:
$Y: 7: You have a SERIOUS problem.
$Q62: Do you advertise your BBS in the local newspaper classified sections?
$N: 0:
$Y: 2:
$Q63: Do you advertise your BBS on business cards?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3:
$Q64: Are you a co-SYSOP on any other BBSs?
$N: 0:
$Y: 3: A real glutton for punishment, eh?
$Q65: Are you a co-SYSOP on any out-of-state BBSs?
$N: 0:
$Y: 4: Lots of punishement, at you're willing to PAY for it!?
$Q66: Have you been a SYSOP for more than 6 months?
$N: 0: There is still hope...
$Y: 5: Things look glum, but you may recover quickly...
$Q67: Have you been a SYSOP for more than a year?
$N: 0:
$Y: 7: Things are looking very dark indeed...
$Q68: Have you been a SYSOP for more than 3 years?
$N: 0:
$Y: 10: You are a lost soul...
$Q69: As a SYSOP, do you enjoy chatting with users so much that you have been
$Q35: known to answer the page at 3AM?
$N: 0:
$Y: 5: Oh my. Oh my, oh my, oh my!
$Q70: Do you drag unsuspecting users into chat..whether they paged you or not?
$N: 0:
$Y: 5: Being an addict is bad enough...trying to create new ones is reprehensible!
$Q71: Have you ever started a late-night chat with a user, and the next thing
$Q35: you know, the sun is rising?
$N: 0:
$Y: 8: There's that lack of contact with reality again...
$Q72: VARIATION: have you ever started a late-night chat with a user, and the
$Q35: next thing you know you are face down on your keyboard, with the words "press
$Q35: any key to continue" flashing on your screen?
$N: 0:
$Y: 10: Reality? What's that?
$Q73: Do you upload copies of a log-on script to all the BBSs in your area so
$Q35: that no-one has any excuse not to log on to your BBS?
$N: 0:
$Y: 5:
$Q74: Do you promise your spouse that you WILL spend more time with the
$Q35: family, but then find yourself jumping up to answer the SYSOP page, even
$Q35: in the middle of that special video tape rented just for the two of you?
$N: 0:
$Y: 10: *OUCH*
$Q75: Do you still HAVE a spouse?
$N: 10: well, you sure blew that one.
$Y: 0:
$Q76: After reading through all these questions, do you get the feeling that
$Q35: you just MIGHT have a little problem with modem addiction?
$N: 0: If you're taking this test, I doubt that...check yourself for self-
$N:delusion.
$Y: 10:
$Q77: In spite of this knowledge, do you realize that you'll never make it
$Q35: to any MA (Modems Anonymous) meetings, because you just can't pull yourself
$Q35: away from the keyboard loong enough to attend?
$N: 0: Uh huh.
$Y: 10: well, at least your honest with yourself.
$Q78: Do you find that more and more of the people you socialize with are
$Q35: BBS addicts just like you, because no one else seems to understand ANYTHING
$Q35: you are talking about anymore?
$N: 0:
$Y: 10: Birds of a feather, and all that...
$END
humor/COMPUTER/ahole-03.txt
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%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
% %
% WHAT ASSHOLES DO /// %
% %
% 'AE ASSHOLES' %
% %
% BROUGHT TO YOU BY %
% THE NEON KNIGHTS %
% %
% WRITTEN BY: %
% %
% THE MASTER OF REALITY %
% & %
% ZANDAR ZAN %
% %
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
A NEON KNIGHT AND METAL COMMUNICATIONS
PRESENTATION
This file is directed to better
help all you assholes out there who
don't know how to use an AE line a
little more wisely.
First of all, this is me (Zandar
Zan) and MS Reality..Telewriting
together from opposite sides of this
great, fantastic, worthless country of
ours.....
Let's go.....
Assholes login and type in S7 D1 V2
to catalog a volume
Assholes always, always look at the
'?' option 3000 times before they
finally memorize it.
Assholes hit C>opy to get a ware.
Assholes never, never upload anything
better than '100 different ways to eat
grapefruit' and then think that they
are awesome for doing it.
Assholes always, always look at each
directory five times before looking at
anything, and then try to V>iew a binary
file.
Assholes always take everything on
your line, then page you 6000 times and
when you finally answer, ask you to put
more stuff up for them to D/L.
Assholes break out of the hello file
before they see the part saying...
'Now run on 10 megs' then they rag on
you for not having anything up in your
floppy drives.
Assholes post rag messages until they
run out of space telling the sysop what
a shitty system he has, because he
doesn't have anything new up, even
though he just D/L it the day before!
Assholes don't know what Dalton's is
and assholes try to BRUN a game that was
split with Dalton's.
Assholes don't know the difference
between 'Dalton's' and 'Disk Rigger' and
post messages asking if there is a
difference and why.
Assholes can't figure out why they
can't R>eceive a game on the AE-line
Assholes call up AE lines with Data-
Capture 4.0 and get upset when nothing
works...
Assholes call up AE lines and still
use Smartcom I.
Assholes don't know how to post
private messages.
Assholes who don't know how to post
private msgs put their home phone number
in the msg anyway.
Assholes enter in the AE PW 40 times
after they have already logged on, and
don't have a clue as to how to use the
system.
Assholes hit 'RETURN' after typing
in the pswd to an AE-line.
Assholes type D>irectory and then
return and wonder why it won't show the
catalog.
Assholes use the C>opy function, then
type away. When they are done, they type
'/EX' and when that doesn't work.. 'Help
me Sysop!' and finally hang up and call
right back.
Assholes can't figure out why they
can't D/L from an AE-line with their
C-64.
Assholes call the same AE line 10
times a day because it is local to see
if there are any new wares to leech.
Assholes read a file giving them
directions on how to use AE with a
hard drive, then have to view it 4 times
because they forgot what they just read.
Assholes call up the AE-line again and
again after they just got a voice
answering saying 'The line is down, call
back later' thinking they got a wrong
number.
Assholes never say who they are when
the SysOp breaks in to chat..They give
names like 'Mr. Who' and 'Dr. Nobody'
and then when they decide to give their
names out it is in the form of 'K-K00L'
text gra-fix.
Assholes use spinning cursors and
other suchjK-K00L text graphics in their
welcome file on their hours AE's that
they set up two days a week from 3:26 PM
TO 6:47 PM.
Assholes can't figure out why they got
hung up on when they only left AE
sitting there for 25 minutes without
doing anything.
Assholes S>end a ware, then sit there
and watch it get BS errs and don't know
what they did wrong. (They don't know
how to CTRL-Q 'G' yet)
Let me reiterate something that has been
said before....Assholes are assholes.
This is true, and will always remain so.
Assholes are invariably stupid. Very,
very stupid. They don't know what is
going on around them or how to correct
the matter at any given time at all.
They are usually so stupid as to enter
the wrong PW to the system 8 times in a
row, until the SysOp prompts them thru
then they stare at the hello message
until AE hangs them up! What assholes!!
Assholes can't even read at the speed
of 300 baud, frequently CTRL-Sing and
waiting 10 mins to read the page.
Assholes shit if the SysOp wants to go
voice because they still either have
a 2600 HZ tone voice or a 1000 HZ tone
voice (Both of which are really quite
annoying)
Assholes (AE assholes that is) read
the file saying what wares are in what
volume of a hard drive, then catalog
every volume anyway.. Also, assholes
catalog every volume, then view the file
saying what wares are in what volume.
What total assholes!
Assholes copy their own 'NEET-0 K00L
pagerzzz' onto the line which invariably
feature real neat text graphics with a
lot of CTRL-G'S...Even though the SysOp
stated in the hello message that either
his speaker was unplugged or he sup-
pressed CTRL-G... Which of course they
did not se, because they broke out of
the message prematurely.
Now, this is only a small part of what
AE assholes do. This is a guide direct-
ed towards those of you who fit in here
so you can learn to stop doing them and
driving your friendly, courteous, AE
SysOps crazy with your lame assholeness
and general idioticness.
In our next file, we will discuss the
lifestyle of the AE asshole, to maybe
figure out what makes him so and why!
This msg has been brought to
you by the Neon Knight Network
---------------------------------------
humor/COMPUTER/ai.koans
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AI Koans: (by Danny)
A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke
sternly- "You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no
understanding of what is going wrong."
Knight turned the machine off and on.
The machine worked.
- - - - -
One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a
better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the
pointers to each cons." Moon patiently told the student the following
story-
"One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to
make a better garbage collector...
- - - - -
In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
sat hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
"I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
"Why is the net wired randomly?", asked Minsky.
"I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play"
Minsky shut his eyes,
"Why do you close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher.
"So that the room will be empty."
At that momment, Sussman was enlightened.
- - - - -
A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to
Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it
true", asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as
Lisp". Almost before the student had finshed his question, Greenblatt
shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick.
- - - - -
A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his
morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
the outsider,"because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper
that was offered him and put it into the toaster- "I wish the toaster to
be happy too".
Additional item from Craig Reynolds:
A cocky novice once said to Stallman: "I can guess why the editor is
called Emacs, but why is the justifier called Bolio?". Stallman replied
forcefully, "Names are but names, `Emac & Bolio's` is the name of a con-
fectionary shop in Boston-town. Neither of these men had anything to do
with the software."
His question answered, yet unanswered, the novice turned to go, but
Stallman called to him, "Neither Emac or Bolio had anything to do with
the ice cream shop, either."
Yes, you guested it, an ice cream koan.
humor/COMPUTER/al.koa
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Article 129 of rec.humor.funny:
Path: santra!tut!draken!kth!mcvax!uunet!seismo!sundc!pitstop!sun!decwrl!ucbvax!bloom-beacon!apple!vsi1!daver!ssbn!looking!funny-request
From: ajs@hpfcajs.UUCP
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: AI Koans
Keywords: chuckle
Message-ID: <2977@looking.UUCP>
Date: 20 Mar 89 11:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.UUCP
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Approved: funny@looking.UUCP
Reply-Path: neat.ai.toronto.edu!rutgers!hplabs.hp.com!hpfcla!hpfcajs!ajs
(From sri-unix!greiner@Diablo Sun Jul 24 17:21:00 1983)
A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the
power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing
spoke sternly: "You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling
it with no understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned
the machine off and on. The machine worked.
___________
One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to
make a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count
of the pointers to each cons." Moon patiently told the student
the following story:
"One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how
to make a better garbage collector...
___________
In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as
he sat hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked
Minsky. "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play
Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the net wired randomly?", asked Minsky.
"I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play."
Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you close your eyes?", Sussman
asked his teacher. "So the room will be empty." At that
moment, Sussman was enlightened.
___________
A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to
Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by.
"Is it true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same
data types as Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his
question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a
stick.
___________
A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this
personality test," said the outsider, "because I want you to be
happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it
into the toaster: "I wish the toaster to be happy, too."
___________
A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the
Master, Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be
found. "Where is the wise one named Knuth?", he asked a passing
student. "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has
gone on a pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to
seek out new disciples." Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
___________
A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front
of a Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a
browser. Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes
in the network with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?"
Very earnesty, the Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The
Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of the
keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over
the head with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was
then Enlightened.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.

humor/COMPUTER/alice.jok
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From cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com Thu Sep 20 17:06:04 1990
From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
Subject: Alice in Digitaland, long, not sure where from
----------------------------------------------------
ALICE in DIGITALand
"Where am I?" asked Alice, as she peered at the large 7-lettered sign
with the standard blue letters.
"You're in Digitaland," replied the security guard, "May I see your
badge?"
"I don't have a badge."
"Did you lose it?"
"No." answered Alice in a puzzled tone. "How could I lose something I
never had?"
"If it's not lost then you must show it to me."
"I can't. I don't have one."
"Then you'll have to have a temporary."
"A temporary what?" asked Alice, more confused then ever.
"A temporary Badge. What's your badge number?" requested the guard.
"I don't have one"
"Of course not, Ken Olsen has 1. Give me your badge number, and your
cost center"
"I'm so confused. I can't do this. I've already said 3 times why. Do I
have to tell you 4?"
"Ahhh. 3XY, badge number 4. You must be very important to have such
a low badge number. I should have immediately recognized how low by your
state of extreme confusion. Here's your temporary. Go right on in."
Alice pasted the sticky paper to her dress and headed down the hall. Not
10 feet ahead she saw a rather distressed looking rabbit coming toward
her. He was dressed in a pair of torn, faded jeans, and a dirty tee
shirt.
"What's wrong?" Alice asked.
"I'm late! I'm late!" exclaimed the rabbit as he peered at the pert chart
dangling from his pocket protector.
"Late for what?" asked Alice.
"My date. I'm going to miss my date. I've got a deadline to meet and
I'm not going to make it."
"Well, if it's already dead, it probably won't mind. In fact it isn't
likely to be going too far in such a state. I'm sure that however long
you take will be just fine."
"You obviously don't understand. Everything takes longer than it really
does. It doesn't matter what you are doing, only that you meet your
date, and that's always impossible."
"Well if its impossible, why would anyone expect you to meet it?" Almost
at once regretting that she had asked. Was this was going to be as
confusing as badges?
"Its really very simple. In order to move forward, you need a goal. Any
goal will do. It just has to be impossible to do. To motivate the
troops, you have to make goals very challenging. Its really only there
to get a stake in the ground, you know. After that we march in step
until we reach our objective. The date really doesn't mean anything.
You simple have to understand that we are going to do the right thing."
"But the if the goal is impossible, and really doesn't mean anything why
are you trying to go there. Wouldn't it be simpler to first figure out
what you are really going to do, then figure out how to get there?"
"You obviously don't understand the process. And as I said before I'm
late so there is obviously only one thing to do."
"Hurry up and rush off?" Alice asked, hoping it would sound more like a
suggestion than a question.
"No. No. No. A meeting. Let find the Mad Manager and a number of
involved, interested, or warm bodies."
"That will obviously take a lot of time. I don't think you have any to
waste.
"No it won't. All we have to do is find a conference room. There are
lots of them right over here."
"But," started Alice, "those rooms are all full of people. Don't we
need an empty conference room?"
"Silly thought. If we want to find the Mad Manager and some meeting
attendees, why would we look in an empty conference room? Anyway, its
impossible to ever find an empty conference room."
The rabbit took Alice by the hand, and promptly lead her into the
largest, fullest conference room. Alice immediately noticed that the
wastebasket was quite full of foam cups, and overhead projector bulbs.
These people had obviously been here for a long time.
At the head of the table sat a man with a rather funny suit wearing a
large hat.
"Why" whispered Alice to the rabbit, "is that man wearing that funny hat?
Who is he?"
"I'm the Mad Manager," answered the man at the end of the table,
obviously overhearing the question, " And I'll be happy to tell you why
I'm wearing this Hat, but that topic is not on the agenda."
"Why don't we change the agenda?" asked a person in the corner.
"Is that a topic for another meeting?" replied the manager.
"Is what a topic for another meeting?" voiced a third. "The reason for
the hat, or why we don't change the agenda?"
"Why don't we take this off line?" queried another.
"Does everyone agree that these are all topics we should address?" asked
the mad manager.
"Possibly so. " injected the person in the corner. "Could it be that we
have a hidden agenda?"
"Oh no!" the Mad Manager began, the dismay obvious on his face, "someone
has hidden the agenda again! Let me put on my process hat and we'll see
if we can work this issue."
With that, he removed his rather amusing top hat, and place a big green
fedora on his head.
"Now, with my process hat on, I'd like to address the issue of the hidden
agenda. Since we can't have a productive meeting without an agenda, it
is up to all of us to find it."
"But, " a voice from the corner piped in, "who is going to drive this
issue?"
"Do we have an action item here?" asked another attendee.
"Does anyone here want to work this?" asked the mad manager.
"Who originally brought this up?" asked another.
"I believe that the woman who came in with the rabbit proposed this.
Shouldn't she own it?"
"Well" the Manager stated, pointing to Alice. "I'd say that this is your
issue."
"What issue. I don't have any issues. " retorted Alice, nervously
fingering her temporary badge. "I only posed a simple question."
"I'm not sure we can accept that," the manager declared. "We need a
date."
"But, " Alice began, remembering what the rabbit told her about dates,
"a date is impossible."
>From the back of the room another voice asked, "How about a date for a
date?"
"The least we can ask it that you give us a date when you will be able to
give us the date for the date." stated the person in the corner.
"I'm not sure I can do that," Alice opened, "since I don't know what I'm
supposed to give you a date for. I'm having a problem trying to figure
out what you want me to do."
"We don't have any problems here, only opportunities!" Piped a chorus of
voices.
"It's really quite obvious," the mad manager declared as he reached
behind him for a striped blue and gray beret, "let me put on my Digital
hat for a moment," he continued doffing the fedora and flipping on his
latest selection, "You must do the right thing."
"Yes. yes. " chimed the chorus of attendees, "Do the right thing.
"Now, who is keeping the minutes?" the manager asked as he pitched the
beret and placed the fedora back on his head. "We need to record this
action item so we can come back to it later."
"We obviously can't deal with this issue until we can determine whose
meeting this is?"
"Should we schedule some time to cover that topic?" asked one of the
attendees.
"Whose going to drive this?" asked another.
Just at the Mad Manager was pulling out a rather worn pith helmet, a
voice in the back suggested "Let's take a break and work some of this 1x1
off line"
Being closest to the door Alice was the first to leave. She quickly
dashed down the hall, and ran up the first flight of stairs she
encountered, relieved to be free of the madness.
When she opened the door the scene that confronted her made her wonder if
returning to the meeting wasn't a bad idea. Seated around a large oval
table were what appeared to be playing cards, each dressed in a gray or
navy blue three piece suit. Around each neck was a rather oddly shaped
handle (or were they nooses?) made of silk, or polyester.
"Off with her head!" screamed the queen of hearts who was sitting at the
head of the table. Alice noticed that her tie was silk, and each card
seated near her was dressed in a suit and noose combination similar to
the queen's.
"Why would you want to remove my head?" Alice asked. By now she was
feeling beyond confused.
"It's not a modern, iconic, user friendly, menu driven, color, PC
compatible user interface," replied the queen, in a tone that would need
to come up two notches to be vaguely considered condescending.
"It happens to suit me just fine," retorted Alice.
"What are you an engineer or something?" asked the 7 of spades.
"No, I'm Alice. Who are you?"
"Marketing." they replied in perfect fifty-two part harmony.
"And what is that?" asked Alice.
There was a brief interlude of silence as each of the cards fidgeted with
their ties, checked their watches and scribbled notes on the pads of
paper contained in a handsome genuine imitation leather folder embossed
with the company logo. Then one by one, as dominoes would do, they
turned to the person on the left until they all stared at the queen of
hearts.
The queen cleared her throat, adjusted her tie a second time and stared
directly at Alice. "We provide the strategic thinking necessary to grow
the business."
"Oh," said Alice, "you figure out what products to build!"
"Heavens, no!" exclaimed the Queen, "That's too tactical. We feel its our
job to develop the vision for the long term."
"You develop things," began Alice, "so you build the products?"
In unison each member of the table made a face reminiscent of the look a
small child gets upon tasting spoiled dead roaches for the first time.
"Uggggh, that's even more tactical," jeered the chorus.
"No! No!" shouted the Queen. "You still do not understand. We take the
pulse of the key market leaders demand curve."
"I see now." said Alice, "You sell the products."
By now the chorus of cards chanting "Tac-ti-cal! Tac-ti-cal!" was
becoming too much.
The queen was furious and repeated her original greeting. "Off with her
head! Off With her head"
"WAIT!" demanded Alice. "I believe I understand. You are all responsible
for driving the solution opportunities for the key client supply
perceptions through strategic vision management!"
Alice wondered if she should add something about the claws catching, and
frumious bandersnatches and thought that she'd best leave it at that
before she became ill.
"Yes," screamed the cards, "That's exactly right!"
"And how, might I ask, do you accomplish these lofty and important goals?"
"By calling a BOD," the queen responded.
"And what, pray tell, might that be?" inquired Alice as she looked for
the quickest escape route, hoping that this jabber would keep her head
attached long enough to get out.
"A Board of Directors", began the queen, just as Alice noticed the door
to the left of the table. "Its a type of high level meeting."
"A meeting????!!!!" exclaimed Alice. "Not another meeting!" With that
she bolted for the door, no longer fearing for her head. Her only hope
was that she make it through before the agenda hit the overhead. In a
dead run, she passed through the door just as the projector lamp flicked
on. The sound of the fan was the last sound to fade as the door closed.
Breathlessly she looked up to see a large open area. Directly in front of
her was an enclosed area lined on one side with triple chrome table. A
stack of plastic trays was at the foyer.
As she wandered through an assortment of sandwiches, prepared foods,
soft drinks and salad began their daily spiel. "Eat Me! Drink Me! Eat
Me!"
"Oh no," answered Alice, "I may know nothing about dates, and problems and
meetings and agendas, and marketing and badges, but I do know food. I'm
not gonna touch any of you. After the morning I've had I deserve a nice
cheese steak (no lettuce)!"
With that, Alice opened the nearest exit door and left. A resounding
high pitched whine sang its midday good-byes as Alice returned to the real
world.
----------------------------------------------------
Henry Cate III
--------------
(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate3.osbu_north) OR (cate3.osbu_north@Xerox.Com)
>From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.

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Alice in UNIX Land
Alice was reading the message on her monitor and beginning to suspect
that everything was not as it should be. "Program too big to fit in
memory," it read.
"Curiouser and curiouser," she said, "All I did was load
fourteen TSRs before starting my word processor. With four megabytes,
I wish I could use more than 640K."
"At that moment, a small white consultant ( a very white
consultant) ran across the room. "Oh my coat and necktie," he said,
"I'm going to be late for my appointment. And at one fifty an hour,
too." Before Alice could say anything, he leaped into her monitor and
disappeared behind her operating system.
Alice thought that she had never seen anyone leap into a monitor
before; and certainly not go clean through the operating system. But
then, she had been told that DOS was very shallow. Without hesitating
a moment, she leaped in after him.
She found herself in a shiny corridor. Not knowing what else to
do, she began walking. Turning a corner, she found herself facing two
fat little men, each with an arm round the other's neck. One had "POS"
embroidered on his collar, and the "NEG".
"I know," said Alice, "you two are a transistor."
"Yes," said Positive.
"Can you help me? asked Alice.
"No," said Negative.
"I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the
direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked.
"No," said Negative.
She pointed the other way.
"Yes," said Positive.
Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was
there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that
Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep.
Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference."
Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which
they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they
all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their
right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice
watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she
approached and sat down.
Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her
as if it wanted to be loved. "Grep," it exclaimed.
"Don't mind him," explained the Mad Hacker. "He's just looking
for some string."
"Nroff?" asked the Frog.
The Mad Hacker handed Alice a cup of custard-like substance and
a spoon. "Here," he said, "what do you think of this?"
"It looks lovely," said Alice, "very sweet." She tried a
spoonful. "Yuck!" she cried. "It's awful. What is it?"
"Oh just another graphic interface for UNIX," answered the
Hacker.
Alice pointed to the sleeping Dormouse. "Who's he?" she asked.
"That's OS Too," explained the Hacker. "We've pretty much given
up on waking him.
"Just than, a large, Blue Elephant sitting next to the Dormouse
stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen," he trumpeted pompously, "as the
largest creature here, I feel impelled to state that we must take an
Open Look at..."
A young Job Sparrow on the other side of the table stood up
angrily. The Elephant noticed and changed his speech
accordingly."...what our NextStep will be.
"Half the creatures bowed in respect while the other half
snickered quietly to themselves. Just then, OS Too fell over in his
sleep, crashing into the Elephant and taking him down with him. No one
seemed a bit surprised.
"What we need," declared a Sun Bear as he lapped up custard with
his long tongue," is a flavor that goes down like the Macintosh.
"Suddenly, the White Consultant began jumping up and down as his
face got red. "No, no, no! he screamed. "No one pays one fifty an
hour to Macintosh consultants!"
"Awk," said the Frog.
"Users," explained the Sun Bear, "want an easy interface that
they will not have to learn."
"Users?" cried the Consultant in disbelief. "Users?! You mean
secretaries, accountants, architects. Manual laborers!"
"Well," responded the Sun Bear, "we've got to do something to
make them want to switch to UNIX."
"Do you think," said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a
hole in the table, "that there might be a problem with the name `UNIX?'
I mean, it does sort of suggest being less than a man."
"Maybe we should try another name, " suggested the Job Sparrow,
"like Brut, or Rambo."
"Penix," suggested a Penguin.
"Mount," said the Frog, "spawn."
Alice slapped him. "Nice?" he asked.
"But then again," suggested the Woodpecker, "what about the
shrinkwrap issue?"
Suddenly, everyone leaped up and started dashing about, waving
their hands in the air and screaming. Just as suddenly, they all sat
down again.
"Now that that's settled," said the Woodpecker, "let's go back
to tasting flavors."
Everyone at the table sampled a new cup of custard. "Wrong
flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup to the creature on
their right and took the one being offered on their left.
Totally confused, Alice got up and left. After she had been
walking away, she heard a familiar voice behind her.
"Rem," is said, "edlin."
Alice turned and saw the Frog. She smiled. "Those are queer
sounding words," she said, "but at least I know what they mean."
"Chkdsk," said the Frog.
-----By Lincoln Spector TEXAS COMPUTER CURRENTS SEPTEMBER 1989
humor/COMPUTER/alices_n.ser
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Alice's NNTP Server
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
- With apologies to Arlo Guthrie, and with great thanks to previous
"Alice's Restaurant" filk authors Jon Kamens, Chris Stacy, Alan
Wechsler, Noel Chiappa, and Larry Allen, who provided the inspiration.
- No thanks or apologies to those who made the original decision which
prompted this piece, but heartfelt thanks to those around me who also
spoke out in opposition. This one's for you, gang.
-- Nil Illegitimo Carborundum, Sometime-in-1993
This song is called "Alice's NNTP Server" and it's about Alice, and
the NNTP server, but "Alice's NNTP Server" is not the name of the NNTP
server, it's the name of the song, and that's why I called this song
"Alice's NNTP Server".
You can get anything you want on Alice's NNTP.
You can get anything you want on Alice's NNTP.
Telnet over, it's a simple hack.
Port one-nineteen is where it's at.
and you can get anything you want on Alice's NNTP.
Now it all started two semesters ago, it's on two semesters ago when
my about-to-graduate friend and I went up to read some news at Alice's
server, 'cause the news didn't live on our server, it lived on Alice's
server, with lots of forged messages and newgroups and rmgroups, and
of course the news articles themselves.
Anyways, it was a nice system, and the University's network connection
was wide, and Alice had the bandwidth and the diskspace and they figured
they didn't have to worry about expiring their news articles for a long
time.
We got up there, found all the articles, and we figured it'd be a
friendly gesture for us to take the articles and distribute 'em around
to our other friends at the University that also didn't get a full feed,
'cause that's what Usenet was supposed to be all about in the first place,
right?
So we took about half a gig of diskspace and stuck it on a spare
workstation which we were gonna make into our own news server, and
we got ourselves educated on NNTP. We took spool directories, server
software, a compiler, an editor, and other implements of destruction and
headed on back to our new server. Well, we got there and there was a big
chain across the machine room door and a mail message in our mailbox saying
"Closed for end-of-semester". We'd never heard of a machine room that was
closed at the end of the semester before, and with tears in our eyes we
drove off into the sunset, looking to find another place to stash the news.
We didn't find one until we came to our own home machines, and off the
side of the /usr/spool partition, we noticed there were some old news
articles. And we figured that one big pile of news is better than two
little piles, and rather than copy that one to the free disk, we decided
to just install our half-gig disk on the home machine and create a link
from the new partition to /usr/spool.
That's what we did, and NNTP'ed back to Alice's, had an end-of-semester
newsfest that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until
next morning, when we got a phone call from the University Director of
Computer Security. Said "Kid, someone found your user-id on a post to
an unauthorized newsgroup, in the bottom of a subdirectory full of
messages from unauthorized sources, on a disk partition that wasn't there
the night before, on a hard drive that wasn't there the night before, and
I just wanted to know if you had any information 'bout it..."
I said "Yes sir, Mister Director, I cannot tell a lie, I put that hard
drive on the machine and imported those news articles".
After speaking to the Director for about forty-five minutes on the
telephone we finally came to the truth of the matter and he said that
we had to go down and remove the drive, and also had to go down and
speak to him at the Undergraduate Office, and bring all our spool
directories, server software, compilers, editors, and other implements
of destruction with us, and so we did.
Now friends, there was only one or two things the University Director
of Computer Security coulda' done at the Undergraduate Office and
the first was he could have given us a medal for being so brave and
honest on the telephone, which wasn't very likely, and we didn't expect
it, and the other thing he could have done was bawled us out and told
us never to be seen transportin' news and installing hardware about
the vicinity again, which is what we expected, but when we got to the
Undergraduate Office there was a third possibility that we hadn't counted
upon, and we was both immediately arrested and handcuffed, and I said
"Hey, Director, I don't think I can remove the hard drive with these
handcuffs on", and he said "Shaddap kid, and follow me".
And that's what we did, walked right behind him and walked to the
quote 'Scene-of-the-Crime' unquote. I want to tell you about this
here University where this is all happening here. They got a T1 line
here, so there's no stop signs on the network, but they got one System
Administrator, and of course, the Director of Computer Security, but
when we got to the 'Scene-of-the-Crime' there was the System Administrator,
five Special Interest Group Representatives with five lawyers each, and
three TAs acting as Assistant System Administrators, this being the biggest
crime of the last five years, and everybody wanted to get in the newspaper
report on it because it had something to do with computers and politically-
incorrect content and all the artsies knew that all the had to do was spell
"computer" correctly in order to get a cushy job writing anti-technology
columns for the local paper.
And they was makin' the System Administrator use up all kinds of net.cop
equipment they had hanging around the machine rooms. They was greppin'
mail, tracin' Path-IDs, following FTP and telnet logs, and they eventually
came up with twenty seven mail messages, and they printed each one of 'em
out and put circles and arrows and highlights on 'em and a paragraph on
the back of each printout explaining what each one was to be used as
evidence against us. They took archives of the approach, the getaway,
the activity in our home directories and /tmp, and the spool directories,
and I already mentioned the mail grepping.
After the ordeal, we went back to our residences. The Director of
Student Security said he was going to keep us under supervision and
said "Kid, I'm going to take away your root access, but you can have
your regular account back if you'll give me the userid and password
for it first".
I said "Director, I can understand you wanting my root access and my
regular userid so's you can put me in the list of users denied access
to FTP and telnet, but why do you want my password?"
And he said "Kid, we don't want you reading /etc/passwd and running
crack on it".
And I said "Director, did you think I was going to read /etc/passwd
and run crack on it just to read Usenet News?"
The Director said he was making sure, and friends, the Director was,
'cause he changed my numeric user-ID so I couldn't chmod my old files,
and he chmod'ed all my files and directories to 000 so's I couldn't use
any information contained in 'em to build something with the setuid bit
set and put it under someone else's directory under the name "ls" and
use the fact that the default system environment had the user's current
working directory appearing in the PATH before /bin, and he even changed
my shell to "rsh", just in case.
The Director was making sure, and it was about four or five hours later
that Alice (remember Alice? This is a song about Alice), Alice came by
and with a few nasty words to the Director, bailed us out of our rsh
accounts, had another session of newsreading that couldn't be beat, and
didn't get up until the next morning, when we all had to go to the
Student Disciplinary Tribunal.
We walked in, sat down, and the Director of Computer Security came in
with the twenty seven mail message printouts with the circles and arrows
and a paragraph on the back of each one, sat down. Man came in said "all
rise". We stood up, and the Director stood up with the twenty seven mail
message printouts and the judge walked in, sat down in front of a manual
typewriter, and he sat down, and we sat down. The Director looked at the
manual typewriter, and and then at the twenty seven mail messages with
circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked
at the manual typewriter. And then at the twenty seven mail message
printouts with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one
and began to cry, 'cause the Director had come to the realization that
this was a typical case of minds from the 1950s trying to deal with the
technology of the 1990s, and there wasn't nothing he could do about it,
and the judge wasn't going to look at the twenty seven mail message
printouts with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each
one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us. And
we was given a few lines on our transcripts and had to take the hard drive
out of the machine the next morning, but that's not what I came to tell
you about.
Came to talk about censorship.
We got a place up here, which I won't name publically, and among other
things, one of the things they do is take a big newsfeed from the wide
world of the Internet and select it, inspect it, detect it, infect it,
neglect it, and then inject it into the news directories. I went down
and got my job application papers, and I walked in wearing a suit-and-tie
so I looked and felt my best when I went in that morning.
'Cause I wanted to look like the all-politically-correct kid from
university, man I wanted to feel like the all-politically-correct kid
from university, man I wanted to *BE* the all-politically-correct kid
from university, and I walked in and I was hung down, brung down, hung
up, and all kinds of mean nasty ugly things. And I walked in and sat
down and they gave me a piece of paper, said "Kid, do the oral personality
profile test with the shrink in Room 101".
I went up there and said "Shrink, I want to be a productive employee.
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna PRODUCE. PRO-DEWCE! I wanna work harder than
the lowest grunt at Microsoft, I wanna be an efficient user of the NSFnet
backbone for our corporate agenda, I wanna PRODUCE! I don't never wanna
read any newsgroups other than those concerning the quarterly reports and
company product announcements! Sure this is a Unix site, but I don't mind
the castrated newsfeed and the mail greppers, 'cause it'll all help me to
PRODUCE! I wanna see the stock of this company split ten times over the
next year, I wanna make the Board of Directors so filthy rich, man, I tell
you I wanna PRODUCE, PRODUCE, PRODUCE!", and I started jumpin' up and down,
yellin' "PRODUCE, PRODUCE, PRODUCE!", and the shrink started jumpin' up
and down with me and we was both jumping up and down yelling "PRODUCE,
PRODUCE, PRODUCE!", and the manager came over, pinned a medal on me, sent
me down the hall, said "you're our boy".
Didn't feel too good about it.
Proceeded on down the hall gettin' all sorts of political injections,
inspections, detections, neglections and all kinds of stuff that they
was doin' to me at the thing there, and I was interviewed two hours,
three hours, four hours. I was there for a long time going through
all kinds of mean nasty ugly things and I was just having a tough time
there and they was inspecting and injecting every single part of my
political mindset, and they was leaving no part untouched. Proceeded
through. And when I finally came to see the last man, the Commissar
of Information Access, I walked in, walked in, sat down after a whole
big thing there, looked at the big framed print he had behind him,
(a signed original by Richard E. Depew!) and said "what do you want?"
"Kid, we only got one question. Have you ever read anything in the
alt.* hierarchy from anywhere other than your local news spool?"
And I proceeded to tell him the story of the Alice's NNTP Server
Censorship, with full orchestration and five-part harmony and stuff
like that and suddenly he stopped me right there and said "Kid, did
you ever have that written up on your transcript?"
I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty seven archived mail
messages with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on the back
of each one, and he stopped me right there and said "Kid, I want you
to go and sit down on that bench that says group H ... NOW, KID!"
And I walked over to the bench there, and there's group H, which
is where they put you if you may not be *moral* enough to join the
company after committing your special crime, and there was all kinds
of mean nasty ugly-looking people on the bench there.
News forgers. Porno FTP site admins. Anon-server users! Promiscuous
NNTP site admins. News administrators running promiscuous NNTP sites,
with full feeds no less! Sitting right there on the bench next to me!
And there was other mean and nasty and ugly and horrible crime-type guys
sitting on the bench next to me. And the meanest, nastiest, ugliest one
of the bunch, he had probably offended more people through his postings
than the world's top ten sickest, most twisted fucks combined, he was
coming over to me and he was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' nasty
'n' ugly 'n' horrible and all kinds of things and he sat down next to me
and said "Kid, what'd ya get?"
I said "I didn't get nothing, they put a line on my transcript and
made me remove the hard drive". He said "What were you busted for?",
and I said "unauthorized hardware modifications". And they all moved
away from me on the bench there, and a hairy eyeball and all kinds of
mean nasty things, 'till I said "to set up an NNTP server which could
bring potentially-offensive newsgroups censored at my local site and
grant full news access to my friends". They all came back, shook my
hand, talkin' 'bout crime, underground FTP sites, promiscuous NNTP
servers, what to do about Barney the Dinosaur, all kinds of groovy
things that we was talking about on the bench. And everything was
fine, we was trading wares and all kinds of things, until the Commissar
of Information Access came over, had some paper in his hand, and said...
"Kids, this-online-survey's-got-47-words-37-sentences-58-lines-we-
wanna-know-details-of-the-crime-time-of-the-crime-all-the-things-
you-gotta-say-things-about-the-crime-what-newsgroups-you-was-reading-
at-the-time-the-contents-of-your-current-.newsrc-file-and-all-the-
things-you-gotta-say", and talked for forty-five minutes and nobody
understood a word that he said, but we had fun filling out the form
and making cool sounds with the relay keyswitches on the IBM 3101
terminals on the bench there, and I filled out the details of the
Alice's NNTP Server Censorship and the hard drive with the four part
harmony, wrote it down there, just like it was, and I pressed ENTER,
and the screen cleared, and I saw the rest of the form.
In the middle of the screen.
Away from everything else on the screen.
In parentheses.
Capital letters.
Quotated.
Read the following words: "Kid, have you rehabilitated yourself?"
I went over to the Commissar, said "Commissar, you got a lotta damn
gall to ask me if I've rehabilitated myself, I mean, I mean, I'm just
sittin' here, sittin' on the group H bench 'cause you want to know if
I'm *moral* enough to join a Company to grep mail, burn electronic books,
and censor feeds after bein' an NNTP hacker." He looked at me, said
"Kid, we don't like your kind, and we're gonna send your .newsrc down
to California..."
And friends, somewhere in California, enshrined in some little directory,
is a study in ones and zeroes of my .newsrc. And the only reason I'm
singin' you this song is 'cause you may know somebody in a similar
situation, or *YOU* may be in a similar situation, and if you're in a
situation like that, there's only one thing you can do and that's post
a message to your company's internal newsgroup, saying "Commissar, you
can get anything you want on Alice's NNTP server."
And log off.
You know, if one person, just one person does it, they may think he's
really sick and won't fire him just yet, just send him down to a Training
Session until his brains are jellied up. And if two people, two people
do it, in harmony, they may think they're starting a cascade and will only
fire one of 'em to establish a precedent and put the fear-o-God in the rest
of their workers. And three people, three, can you imagine, three people
logging on, posting a message containing a bar of Alice's NNTP Server and
walking out, they may think it's an organization. And can you imagine
fifty people a day, I said fifty people a day logging on, postin' a bar
of "Alice's NNTP Server" and logging off. And friends, they may think
it's a movement.
And that's what it is, the Alice's NNTP Server Anti-Censorship Movement,
and all you got to do to join is quote it the next time it comes around
on the screen.
With feeling.
So we'll wait for it to come around on the screen here, and follow-up
with a quotation when it does.
Here it comes...
You can get anything you want on Alice's NNTP.
You can get anything you want on Alice's NNTP.
Telnet over, it's a simple hack.
Port one-nineteen is where it's at.
and you can get anything you want on Alice's NNTP.
That was horrible. If you want to end censorship and stuff you got
to post loud...
I've been writin' this song now for twenty-five minutes and over three
hundred and twenty lines of text. I could write it for another twenty-
five minutes and another three hundred and twenty lines -- I'm not proud...
...or tired.
So we'll wait till it comes around again, and this time with four part
harmony and feeling. We're just waitin' for it to come around is what
we're doing.
All right now...
You can get anything you want on Alice's NNTP.
(even .GIFs of Alice!)
You can get anything you want on Alice's NNTP.
Telnet over, it's a simple hack.
Port one-nineteen is where it's at.
and you can get anything you want on Alice's NNTP.
You can get anything you want on Alice's NNTP.
You can get anything you want on Alice's NNTP.
Telnet over, it's a simple hack,
And they can have the shirts right off our backs,
but we'll still read anything we want on Alice's NNTP...
humor/COMPUTER/alices_p.dp1
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;;; With thanks (and apologies) to Chris Stacy, Alan Wechsler, Noel
;;; Chiappa, Larry Allen, and of course Arlo Guthrie, and particularly
;;; to Ann Marie Finn who is a kind soul and not at all like the
;;; person portrayed herein. --sra 3 May 85
This song is called "Alice's PDP-10". But Alice doesn't own a PDP-10,
in fact Alice isn't even in the song. It's just the name of the song.
That's why I called this song "Alice's PDP-10".
You see, it all started about two incompatible monitor versions ago,
about two months ago on a Tuesday, when my friend and I SUPDUP'd over
to MIT-OZ to pick up some hackers to go out for a Chinese dinner. But
AI hackers don't live on MIT-OZ, they live on various assorted lispms
and such, and seeing as and how they never log in except via the file
server, they hadn't gotten around to doing filesystem garbage
collection for a long time.
We got over there, saw 600 pages free, 10000 pages in use on a 5 pack
PS:, and decided it would be a friendly gesture to run CHECKD for them
and try to reclaim some of that lost space. So we reloaded the system
with the floppies and the switch registers and other implements of
destruction, and answered "Y" to RUN CHECKD?
But when we got the system up and tried to release all the lost pages
there was a loud beeping and a big message flashed up on our screen
saying:
PERMISSION DENIED BY ACJ
Well, we'd never heard of a version of ACJ that would let you go into
MDDT from ANONYMOUS but not run CHECKD, and so, with tears in our
eyes, we headed off over the Chaosnet looking for a filesystem with
enough free pages to write out the LOST-PAGES.BIN file. Didn't find
one...
Until we got to XX-11, and at the other end of XX-11 was another MIT
Twenex, and in PS:<OPERATOR> on that MIT Twenex was another
LOST-PAGES.BIN file. And we decided that one big LOST-PAGES.BIN file
was better than two little LOST-PAGES.BIN file, and rather than page
that one in we thought we'd write ours out. So that's what we did.
Went back to OZ, found some hackers and went out for a Chinese dinner
that couldn't be beat, and didn't get up until the next morning when
we got a SEND from Ann Marie Finn. She said, "Kid, we found you
initials in SIXBIT in the right half of a POPJ at the end of a two
megaword core dump full of garbage, just wanted to know if you had any
information about it". And I said, "Yes ma'am Ann Marie, I cannot tell
a lie, I put that XUNAME into that halfword".
After talking back and forth with Ann for about 45 messages we arrived
at the truth of the matter and Ann said that we had to go rebuild the
bittable and we also had to come down and talk to her in room
NE43-501. Now friends, there was only one of two things that Ann
could of done with us down at room 501, and the first one was that she
could have hired us on the spot for actually knowing enough about
Twenex to screw it up that badly, which wasn't very likely and we
didn't expect it, and the other was that she could have bawled us out
and told us never to be seen hacking filesystems again, which was what
we expected. But when we got to room 501 we discovered that there was
a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was both
immediately de-wheeled. CD%DIR'ed. And I said "Ann, I don't think I
can rebuild the bittable with this here FILES-ONLY bit set." And she
said "XOFF, kid, get into this UDP packet" and that's what we did and
rode up to the square bracket asciz slash scene of the crime slash
close square bracket.
Now friends, I want to tell you about the ninth floor of building NE43
where this happened. They got three KL10s, 24 LISPMs, and about 32
VAXen running 4.2 unix. But when we got to the square bracket asciz
slash scene of the crime slash close square bracket there was five
twenex hackers past and present, this being the biggest lossage yet by
an RMS clone and everybody wanted to get in their suggestion for a new
system daemon that would have kept it from ever having happened in the
first place. And they was using up all kinds of debugging equipment
that they had lying around on V3A SWSKIT tapes. They were doing DSs,
MONRDs, and RSTRSHs, and they made 27000 pages of core dumps and photo
files on an RP06 with comments and -READ-.-THIS- files to be used as
evidence against us.
After the ordeal, Ann took us back downstairs and left us with the CLU
hackers. She said "Kid, I'm gonna leave you with the CLU hackers. I
want your jsys manual and your ROLM DTI". I said "Ann, I can
understand your wanting my jsys manual so I won't remind the CLU
hackers of grody things like operating systems, but what do you want
my DTI for?" and she said "Kid, we don't want any VTS errors". I said
"Ann, did you think I was going to try to crash the system for
littering?" Ann said that she was making sure, and friends, Ann was,
'cause she cleared all my left-hand privs bits so I couldn't logout.
And she disabled the TREPLACE command so I couldn't crock in an
XCT [0] instruction, cause an illegal instruction interrupt to MEXEC,
and sneak into MDDT. Yeah, Ann was making sure, and it was about four
or five hours later that Chiappa (remember Chiappa? This song's never
even mentioned Chiappa) Chiappa came by and with a few gratuitous
insults to the CLU hackers bailed us out of there, and we went out and
had another Chinese dinner that couldn't be beat, and didn't get up
until the next morning when we all had to go to LCS Computational
Resources staff meeting.
We walked in, sat down. Ann came in with the RP06 disk pack with the
27000 pages with the comments and the -READ-.-THIS- files and a two
liter coffee mug, sat down. Esther Felix comes in says "All rise", we
stood up, Ann stood up with the 27000 page RP06 pack, and Dave Clark
comes in with an IBM PC. He sits down, we sit down, Ann looks at the
IBM PC. Then at the 27000 page RP06 pack, then at the IBM PC, then at
the 27000 page RP06 pack, and began to cry, because Ann had come to
the realization that it was a typical case of 36%8==4 and that there
was no way to display those last four bits, and that Dave wasn't gonna
look at the 27000 pages of core dumps and photo files on the RP06 pack
with the comments and -READ-.-THIS- files explaining what each one was
to be used as evidence against us.
And we were permanently assigned to the batch dregs queue and had to
rebuild the bittable (in the batch dregs queue). But that's not what
I came here to talk about. I came here to talk about DEC.
======================================================================
They got a building up there in Marlboro where you walk in and get
averted, diverted, inverted, reverted, and perverted. I went up there
one day to pick up a new copy of the tools tape. Drove down to Philly
for a Greatful Dead concert the night before, so I looked and felt my
best when I went in that morning. 'Cause I wanted to look like a real
live twenex hacker from MIT. I wanted to feel like, I wanted to be a
real live twenex hacker from MIT. I walked in and I was hung down,
brung down, hung up, and spaced out. The receptionist hands be a
piece of paper saying "Kid, the EDIT-20 maintainers are polling user
opinions today and would like you to stop by room 604 while you're
here."
I walked in there and I said "Droids, I want to lose. I mean, I want
to lose. I want to see line editors on CRTs and nulls in my files.
Write 36 bit ascii that can't be read except with the monitor
filtering it. I mean LOSE, LOSE, LOSE!" And I started jumping up and
down yelling "LOSE, LOSE", and Kevin Paetzold came in wearing his
moose ear hat and started jumping up and down with me yelling "LOSE,
LOSE", and a DEC sales rep came over, put an arm around my shoulder,
and said "How'd you like me to show you a *real* editor that has
macros and things like that? We have one, it's called TV...."
Didn't feel too good about it.
Proceeded on down the hall getting more diversions and perversions.
Man, I was in there for two hours, three hours, four hours, I was in
there for a long time, and they was doing all kinds of mean nasty ugly
things, and I was just having a tough time there. They was diverting
and inverting every single part of me and they was leaving no bit
untouched.
Finally I got to the very last office (I'd been in all the rest), the
very last desk, after that whole big thing there, and I walk over and
say "what do you want?" and the man says "Kid, we only got one
question: have you ever been dewheeled?"
So I proceeded to tell him the story of the 10600 page five pack PS:
with full orchestration and five part harmony and other phenomena and
he stopped me right there and said "Kid, did you ever get hauled on
the carpet for it?"
So I proceeded to tell him about the 27000 page RP06 pack with the
comments and the -READ-.-THIS- files and he stopped me right there and
said "Kid, I want you to go sit over there on that bench marked Large
Systems SIG. NOW, KID!"
I, I walked over to the bench there... See, the LCG group is where
they put you if they think you may not be compatible with the rest of
DEC's product line.
There was all kinds of mean nasty ugly people there on the bench...
Chaosnet designers... Lisp hackers... TECO hackers. TECO hackers
right there on the bench with me! And the meanest one of them, the
hairiest TECO hacker of them all was coming over to me. And he was
mean and nasty and horrible and undocumented and all kinds of stuff.
And he sat down next to me and said:
[1:i*^Yu14<q1&377.f"nir'q1/400.u1>[8
.-z(1702117120m81869946983m8w660873337m8w1466458484m8
)+z,.f^@fx*[0:ft^]0w^\
And I said "I didn't get nothing, I had to rebuild the bittable in
queue six" and he said:
[1:i*^Yu16<q1&77.+32iq1f"l#-1/100.#-1&7777777777.'"#/100.'u1r>6c[6
.(675041640067.m6w416300715765.m6w004445675045.m6
455445440046.m6w576200535144.m6w370000000000.m6),.fx*[0:ft^]0w^\
And I said "Littering". And they all moved away from me on the bench
there, with the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty ugly stuff
until I said "and making undocumented gratuitous changes to the
default EMACS key bindings". And they all came back, shook my hand,
and we had a great time on the bench talking about Chaosnet hacking
and Lisp interpreters written in TECO, and everything was fine. And
we were eating Peking ravs and smoking all kinds of things until the
guy from DDC came over, had some paper in his hand, said:
KIDS-THIS-SPR-FORM-HAS-FIFTY-EIGHT-LINES-THIRTY-SEVEN-BOXES-AN'-
SIXTY-EIGHT-QUESTIONS-WE-WANT-TO-KNOW-THE-DETAILS-OF-THE-BUG-THE-
LOAD-FACTOR-WHEN-IT-HAPPENED-AND-ANY-OTHER-KIND-OF-THING-YOU-GOT-
TO-SAY-WE-WANT-TO-KNOW-THE-F-S-GUY'S-NAME-AND-HOW-MANY-TRACKS-ON-
YOUR-TAPE-DRIVE-AND-ANY-OTHER-KIND-OF-THING-YOU-GOT-TO-SAY-
and he talked for forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word
that he said or why we were doing this but we had fun filling out the
forms in triplicate and speculating on why we were filling out SPRs on
unsupported products.
I filled out the special form with the four-level macro defining
macros. Typed it in there just like it was and everything was fine.
And I put down my keyboard, and I switched buffers, and there ... in
the other buffer... centered in the other buffer... away from
everything else in the buffer... in parentheses, capital letters, in
reverse video, read the following words:
"Kid, have you taken the ``VMS for TOPS-20 managers'' course yet?"
I walked over to the man and I said "Mister, you got a lot of damned
gall asking me if I've taken the ``VMS for TOPS-20 managers'' course
yet. I mean... I mean... I mean, I'm sitting here on the bench, I'm
sitting here on the LCG SIG bench, 'cause you want to know if I'm
braindamaged enough trade my PDP-10 for partial credit on a system
that doesn't even handle filename completion after being a litterbug."
He looked at me and said "Kid, the front office don't like your kind,
so we're going to put you on our VAX/VMS mailing list." And friends,
somewhere down in the NE43 receiving room is a large trash barrel with
a big sign on it that says "VAX/VMS documents".
And the only reason I'm singing you the song now is that someday
you may know somebody in a similar situation... or you may be in a
similar situation. And if you're in a situation like that there's
only one thing you can do, and that's call up the Digital Educational
Services office nearest you and sing "You can hack anything you want
with TECO and DDT" and hang up.
You know, if one person, just one person, does it, they may think he's
really dangerous and they won't take his machine.
And if two people do it, in harmony, they may think they're both ITS
hackers and they won't touch either of them.
And if three people do it! Can you imagine three people calling up,
singin' a bar of "Alice's PDP-10" and hanging up? They may think it's
an re-implementation of the Chaosnet protocol.
And can you imagine fifty people a day? I said FIFTY people a day,
calling up, singin' a bar of "Alice's PDP-10" and hanging up?
Friends, they may think it's a MOVEMENT, and that's what it is: THE
36-BIT ANTI-LOSSAGE MOVEMENT! And all you gotta do to join is to sing
it the next time it comes up to the head of the GOLST.
With feelin'.
You can hack anything you want, with TECO and DDT.
You can hack anything you want, with just TECO and DDT.
$U in and begin to hack.
Twiddle bits in a core dump and write it back.
You can hack anything you want, with TECO and DDT.
(But be careful typing <RET>)
Just with TECO and DDT!
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You can get anything you want at a Chinese Restaurant
(exceptin a hamburger) ....
Chris Stacy, Alan Wecsler, and Noel Chiappa
This song is called "MIT's AI Lab". It's about MIT and
the AI Lab, but "MIT's AI Lab" is not the name of the lab, that's
just the name of the song. That's why I call the song "MIT's AI
Lab."
Now it all started two full dumps ago, on Thanksgiving,
when my friend and I went up to visit the hackers at AI lab on
the ninth floor. But the hackers don't always live on the ninth
floor, they just go there to use these complex order code stack
machines they call Lisp Machines.
And using a special purpose processor like that, they got
a lot of room upstairs where DDT used to be, and havin' all that
ROOM they decided that they didn't have to collect any garbage
for a long time.
We JFCLed up here and found all the garbage in there and
we decided that it'd be a friendly gesture for us to take all the
garbage down to the system dump.
So we took the half-a-meg of garbage, put it in the back
of a red ECL Multibus, took subrs and hacks and implementations
of defstruction, and headed on toward the system dump.
Well, we got there and there was a big pop up window and
a write protect across the dump sayin', "This Garbage Collecter
Under Development on Thanksgiving," and we'd never heard of a
garbage collector NOP'd out on Thanksgiving before, and with
tears in our eyes, we CDR'd off into the sunset lookin' for
another place to put the garbage.
We didn't find one 'til we came to a side area, and off
the side of the side area was three hundred megabyte disk, and in
the middle of the disk was another heap of garbage. And we
decided that one big heap was better than two little heaps, and
rather than page that one in, we decided to write ours out.
That's what we did.
Branched back to the Lisp Listener, had a Chinese
Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat, went to
SI:PROCESS-WAIT SLEEP, and didn't get up until the next quantum,
when we got a funcall from Mr. Greenblatt. He said, "Kid, we
found your name on a cons at the bottom of a half-a-meg of
garbage and I just wanted to know if you had any information
about it".
And I said, "Yes sir, Mr. Greenblatt, I cannot tell a
lie. I put that structure under that garbage." After speakin'
to Greenblatt for about forty-five million clock ticks on the
telnet stream, we finally arrived at the truth of the matter and
he said that we had to go down and link up the garbage, and also
had to go down and speak to him at the Lisp Machine Factory. So
we got in the red ECL Multibus with the subrs and hacks and
implementations of defstruction and headed on toward the Lisp
Machine Factory.
Now, friends, there was only one of two things that
Greenblatt could've done at the Lisp Machine Factory, and the
first was that he could've given us another 64K board for bein'
so brave and honest on BUG-LISPM (which wasn't very likely, and
we didn't expect it), and the other thing was that he could've
flamed at us and told us never to be seen BLTing garbage around
in the vicinity again, which is what we expected.
But when we got to the Lisp Machine Factory, there was a
third COND-clause that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was
both immediately Process-Arrested, Deexposed, and I said,
"Greenblatt, I can't GC up the garbage with these here
ARREST-REASONS on". He said: "Output-Hold, kid, and get in the
back of the Control CAR." ...And that's what we did...sat in the
back of the Control CAR, and drove to the sharpsign quote open
scene-of-the-crime close.
I wanna tell you 'bout the town of Cambridge,
Massachusetts, where this is happenin'. They got seven hunnert
stop signs, no turn on red, and two campus police CARs, but when
we got to the sharpsign-quote-open scene-of-the-crime close,
there was five Lisp Machine hackers and three scope carts, bein'
the biggest hack of the last ten years and everybody wanted to
get in the HUMAN-NETS story about it.
And they was usin' up all kinds of digital equipment that
they had hangin' around the Lisp Machine Factory. They was
takin' backtraces, stack traces, plastic wire wraps, blueprints,
and microcode loads... And they made seventeen 1K-by-32 pixel
multi-flavored windows with turds and arrows and a scroll bar on
the side of each one with documentation panes explainin' what
each one was, to be used as evidence against us.
.....Took pictures of the labels, blinkers, the cursors, the pop
up notification windows, the upper right corner, the lower left
corner.....and that's not to mention the XGP'd screen images!
After the ordeal, we went back to the Factory. Greenblatt
said he was gonna locate us in a cell. He said: "Kid, I'm gonna
INTERN you in a cell. I want your manual and your mouse."
I said, "Greenblatt, I can understand your wantin' my
manual, so I don't have any documentation about the cell, but
what do you want my mouse for?" and he said, "Kid, we don't want
any window system problems". I said, "Greenblatt, did you think I
was gonna deexpose myself for litterin'?"
Greenblatt said he was makin' sure, and, friends,
Greenblatt was, 'cause he took out the left Meta-key so I
couldn't double bucky the rubout and cold-boot, and he took out
the Inspector so I couldn't click-left on Modify, set the
PROCESS-WARM-BOOT-ACTION on the window, *THROW around the
UNWIND-PROTECT and have an escape. Greenblatt was makin' sure.
It was about four or five hours later that Moon---
(remember Moon? This here's not a song about Moon)--- Moon came
by and, with a few nasty sends to Greenblatt on the side, bailed
us out of core, and we went up to the Loft, had another Chinese
dinner that couldn't be beat, and didn't get up until the next
evening, when we all had to go to court.
We walked in, sat down, Greenblatt came in with the
seventeen 1K-by-32 pixel multi-flavored windows with turds and
arrows and documentation panes, sat down.
McMahon came in, said, "All rise!" We all stood up, and
Greenblatt stood up with the seventeen 1K-by-32 pixel
multi-flavored windows with turds and arrows and documentation
panes, and the judge walked in, with an LA36, and he sat down.
We sat down.
Greenblatt looked at the LA36... then at the seventeen
multi flavored windows with the turds and arrows and
documentation panes... and looked at the LA36... and then at the
seventeen 1K-by-32 pixel multi-flavored windows with turds and
arrows and documentation panes, and began to cry.
Because Greenblatt came to the realization that it was a
typical case of LCS state-of-the-art technology, and there wasn't
nothin' he could do about it, and the judge wasn't gonna look at
the seventeen 1K-by-32 pixel multi-flavored windows with turds
and arrows and documentation panes, explainin' what each one was,
to be used as evidence against us.
And we was fined fifty zorkmids and had to rebuild the
world load...in the snow.
But that's not what I'm here to tell you about.
I'm here to talk about the Lab.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
They got a buildin' down in Cambridge called Technology
Square, where you walk in, you get your windows Inspected,
detected, neglected and Selected!
I went down and got my interview one day, and I walked
in, sat down (slept on the beanbag in 926 the night before, so I
looked and felt my best when I went in that morning, 'cause I
wanted to look like the All-American High School Tourist from
Sunnyvale. I wanted to feel like..... I wanted to BE the
All-American Kid from Sunnyvale), and I walked in, sat down, I
was gunned down, brung down, locked out and all kinds of mean,
nasty, ugly things.
And I walked in, I sat down, KAREN gave me a piece of
paper that said: "Kid, see the CLU hackers on XX."
I went up there, I said, "Eliot, I wanna lose. I wanna
lose! I wanna see hacks and kludges and unbound variables and
cruft in my code! Eat dead power supplies with cables between my
teeth! I mean lose! lose! lose!"
And I started jumpin' up and down, yellin' "LOSE! LOSE!
LOSE!" and Stallman walked in and started jumpin' up and down
with me, and we was both jumpin' up and down, yellin', "LOSE!
LOSE! LOSE! LOSE!!" and some professor came over, gave me a
6-3 degree, sent me down the hall, said, "You're our
distinguished lecturer." Didn't feel too good about it.
Proceeded down the infinite corridor, gettin' more
inspections, rejections (this IS MIT), detections, neglections,
and all kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me there, and I was
there for two years... three years... four years... I was
there for a long time goin' through all kinds of mean, nasty,
kludgy things, and I was havin' a tough time there, and they was
inspectin', injectin', every single part of me, and they was
leavin' no part unbound!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Proceeded through, and I finally came to see the very
last man. I walked in, sat down, after a whole big thing there.
I walked up, and he said, "Kid, we only got one question: Have
you ever been arrested"?
And I proceeded to tell him the story of the half-a-meg
of garbage with full orchestration and five-part harmony and
stuff like that, and other phenomenon.
He stopped me right there and said, "Kid, have you ever
been to court"? And I proceeded to tell him the story of the
seventeen 1K-by-32 pixel multi-flavored windows with turds and
arrows and documentation panes...
He stopped me right there and said, "Kid, I want you to
go over and sit down on that bench that says 'LISP Machine
Group'... NOW, KID!"
And I walked over to the bench there, and there's... The
LISP Machine Group is where they put you if you may not be moral
enough to join Symbolics after creatin' your special form.
There was all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly-lookin' people
on the bench there ... there was Microcoders, DPL hackers, File
System hackers, and Window System Hackers!! Window System
hackers sittin' right there on the bench next to me! And the
meanest, ugliest, nastiest one... the kludgiest Window System
hacker of them all... was comin' over to me, and he was mean and
ugly and nasty and horrible and all kinds of things, and he sat
down next to me. He said, "Kid, you get a new copy of the
sources?" I said, "I didn't get nothin'. I had to rebuild the
world load."
He said, "What were you arrested for, kid?" and I said,
"Littering..." And they all moved away from me on the bench
there, with the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean, nasty
things, 'til I said, "And making gratuitous modifications to
LMIO; sources..." And they all came back, shook my hand, and we
had a great time on the bench talkin' about microcoding, DPL
designing, file-system hacking, ..... and all kinds of groovy
things that we was talkin' about on the bench, and everything was
fine.
We was drinking Coke smoking all kinds of things, until
the RA came over, had some paper in his hand, held it up and
said:
"KIDS-THIS-EXAM-S-GOT-FOURTY-SEVEN-WORDS-THIRTY-SEVEN-MULTIPLE-
CHOICE-QUESTIONS-FIFTY-EIGHT-WORDS-WE-WANT-TO-KNOW-THE-DETAILS-
OF-THE-HACK-THE-TIME-OF-THE-HACK-AND-ANY-OTHER-KIND-OF-THING-YOU-
GOT-TO-SAY-PERTAINING-TO-AND-ABOUT-THE-HACK-ANY-OTHER-KIND-OF-
THING-YOU-GOT-TO-SAY-WE-WANT-TO-KNOW-THE-ARRESTED-PROCESS'-NAME-
AND-ANY-OTHER-KIND-OF-THING..."
And he talked for forty-five minutes and nobody
understood a word that he said. But we had fun rolling the mice
around and clickin' on the buttons.
I filled out the special form with the four-level macro
defining macros. Typed it in there just like it was and
everything was fine. And I put down my keyboard, and I switched
buffers, and there ... in the other buffer... centered in the
other buffer... away from everything else in the buffer... in
parentheses, capital letters, backquotated, in 43VXMS, read the
following words: "Kid, have you featurized yourself"?
I went over to the RA. Said, "Mister, you got a lot of
damned gall to ask me if I've featurized myself! I mean, I
mean, I mean that you send, I'm sittin' here on the bench, I mean
I'm sittin' here on the Lisp Machine Group bench, 'cause you want
to know if I'm losing enough to join the Lab, burn PROMs, power
supplies, and documentation, after bein' on SF-LOVERS?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
He looked at me and said, "Kid, we don't like your kind!
We're gonna send your user-id off to the DCA in Washington"!
And, friends, somewhere in Washington, enshrined on some little
floppy disk, is a study in ones and zeros of my brain-damaged
programming style...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
And the only reason I'm singin' you the song now is
'cause you may know somebody in a similar situation. Or you may
be in a similar situation, and if you're in a situation like
that, there's only one thing you can do:
[ CHORUS ]
You know, if one person, just one person, does it, they
may think he's really dangerous and they won't take him.
And if two people do it, in harmony, they may think
they're both LISP hackers and they won't take either of them.
And if three people do it! Can you imagine three people
walkin' in, singin' a bar of "MIT's AI Lab" and walkin' out?
They may think it's an re-implementation of the window system!
And can you imagine fifty people a day? I said FIFTY
people a day, walkin' in, singin' a bar of "MIT's AI Lab" and
walkin' out? Friends, they may think it's a MOVEMENT, and that's
what it is: THE MIT AI LAB ANTI-LOSSAGE MOVEMENT! And all you
gotta do to join is to sing it the next time it comes around on
the circular buffer.
With feelin'.
You can hack anything you want
on MIT Lisp Machines
You can hack anything you want
on MIT Lisp Machines
Walk right in and begin to hack
Just push your stuff right onto the stack
You can hack anything you want
on MIT Lisp Machines
(but don't forget to fix the bug... on MIT Lisp Machines!)
humor/COMPUTER/aliceunix.txt
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I got this off the Web, and I'm still not done laughing......
----------------------------------------------------
Alice in UNIX Land
Alice was reading the message on her monitor and beginning to suspect that everything was not as
it should be. "Program too big to fit in memory," it read.
"Curiouser and curiouser," she said, "All I did was load fourteen TSRs before starting my word
processor. With four megabytes, I wish I could use more than 640K."
"At that moment, a small white consultant (a very white consultant) ran across the room. "Oh my
coat and necktie," he said, "I'm going to be late for my appointment. And at one fifty an hour,
too." Before Alice could say anything, he leaped into her monitor and disappeared behind her
operating system.
Alice thought that she had never seen anyone leap into a monitor before; and certainly not go clean
through the operating system. But then, she had been told that DOS was very shallow. Without
hesitating a moment, she leaped in after him.
She found herself in a shiny corridor. Not knowing what else to do, she began walking. Turning a
corner, she found herself facing two fat little men, each with an arm round the other's neck. One
had "POS" embroidered on his collar, and the "NEG".
"I know," said Alice, "you two are a transistor."
"Yes," said Positive.
"Can you help me? asked Alice.
"No," said Negative.
"I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he
go this way?" she asked.
"No," said Negative.
She pointed the other way.
"Yes," said Positive.
Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad
Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast
asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference."
Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what
appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup to the creature on
their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this
ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down.
Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her as if it wanted to be loved. "Grep,"
it exclaimed.
"Don't mind him," explained the Mad Hacker. "He's just looking for some string."
"Nroff?" asked the Frog.
The Mad Hacker handed Alice a cup of custard-like substance and a spoon. "Here," he said, "what
do you think of this?"
"It looks lovely," said Alice, "very sweet." She tried a spoonful. "Yuck!" she cried. "It's awful.
What is it?"
"Oh just another graphic interface for UNIX," answered the Hacker.
Alice pointed to the sleeping Dormouse. "Who's he?" she asked.
"That's OS Too," explained the Hacker. "We've pretty much given up on waking him.
"Just then, a large Blue Elephant sitting next to the Dormouse stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen,"
he trumpeted pompously, "as the largest creature here, I feel impelled to state that we must take an
Open Look at..."
A young Job Sparrow on the other side of the table stood up angrily. The Elephant noticed and
changed his speech accordingly, "...what our NextStep will be."
"Half the creatures bowed in respect while the other half snickered quietly to themselves. Just then,
OS Too fell over in his sleep, crashing into the Elephant and taking him down with him. No one
seemed a bit surprised.
"What we need," declared a Sun Bear as he lapped up custard with his long tongue," is a flavor
that goes down like the Macintosh.
"Suddenly, the White Consultant began jumping up and down as his face got red. "No, no, no! he
screamed. "No one pays one fifty an hour to Macintosh consultants!"
"Awk," said the Frog.
"Users," explained the Sun Bear, "want an easy interface that they will not have to learn."
"Users?" cried the Consultant in disbelief. "Users?! You mean secretaries, accountants, architects.
Manual laborers!"
"Well," responded the Sun Bear, "we've got to do something to make them want to switch to
UNIX."
"Do you think," said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a hole in the table, "that there
might be a problem with the name `UNIX?' I mean, it does sort of suggest being less than a man."
"Maybe we should try another name, " suggested the Job Sparrow, "like Brut, or Rambo."
"Penix," suggested a Penguin.
"Mount," said the Frog, "spawn."
Alice slapped him. "Nice?" he asked.
"But then again," suggested the Woodpecker, "what about the shrinkwrap issue?"
Suddenly, everyone leaped up and started dashing about, waving their hands in the air and
screaming. Just as suddenly, they all sat down again.
"Now that that's settled," said the Woodpecker, "let's go back to tasting flavors."
Everyone at the table sampled a new cup of custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they
passed the cup to the creature on their right and took the one being offered on their left.
Totally confused, Alice got up and left. After she had been walking away, she heard a familiar
voice behind her.
"Rem," it said, "edlin."
Alice turned and saw the Frog. She smiled. "Those are queer sounding words," she said, "but at
least I know what they mean."
"Chkdsk," said the Frog.
-By Lincoln Spector
TEXAS COMPUTER CURRENTS
SEPTEMBER 1989
humor/COMPUTER/alicunix.fic
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:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:
-----=====Earth's Dreamlands=====-----
(313)558-5024 - 9600 v.32 - Sysop: Gug
A Game Master Support BBS
RPG, Fiction & Homebrew Beer Text
.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.
Alice in UNIX Land
Alice was reading the message on her monitor and beginning to suspect
that everything was not as it should be. "Program too big to fit in
memory," it read.
"Curiouser and curiouser," she said, "All I did was load
fourteen TSRs before starting my word processor. With four megabytes,
I wish I could use more than 640K."
"At that moment, a small white consultant ( a very white
consultant) ran across the room. "Oh my coat and necktie," he said,
"I'm going to be late for my appointment. And at one fifty an hour,
too." Before Alice could say anything, he leaped into her monitor and
disappeared behind her operating system.
Alice thought that she had never seen anyone leap into a monitor
before; and certainly not go clean through the operating system. But
then, she had been told that DOS was very shallow. Without hesitating
a moment, she leaped in after him.
She found herself in a shiny corridor. Not knowing what else to
do, she began walking. Turning a corner, she found herself facing two
fat little men, each with an arm round the other's neck. One had "POS"
embroidered on his collar, and the "NEG".
"I know," said Alice, "you two are a transistor."
"Yes," said Positive.
"Can you help me? asked Alice.
"No," said Negative.
"I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the
direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked.
"No," said Negative.
She pointed the other way.
"Yes," said Positive.
Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was
there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that
Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep.
Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference."
Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which
they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they
all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their
right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice
watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she
approached and sat down.
Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her
as if it wanted to be loved. "Grep," it exclaimed.
"Don't mind him," explained the Mad Hacker. "He's just looking
for some string."
"Nroff?" asked the Frog.
The Mad Hacker handed Alice a cup of custard-like substance and
a spoon. "Here," he said, "what do you think of this?"
"It looks lovely," said Alice, "very sweet." She tried a
spoonful. "Yuck!" she cried. "It's awful. What is it?"
"Oh just another graphic interface for UNIX," answered the
Hacker.
Alice pointed to the sleeping Dormouse. "Who's he?" she asked.
"That's OS Too," explained the Hacker. "We've pretty much given
up on waking him.
"Just than, a large, Blue Elephant sitting next to the Dormouse
stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen," he trumpeted pompously, "as the
largest creature here, I feel impelled to state that we must take an
Open Look at..."
A young Job Sparrow on the other side of the table stood up
angrily. The Elephant noticed and changed his speech
accordingly."...what our NextStep will be.
"Half the creatures bowed in respect while the other half
snickered quietly to themselves. Just then, OS Too fell over in his
sleep, crashing into the Elephant and taking him down with him. No one
seemed a bit surprised.
"What we need," declared a Sun Bear as he lapped up custard with
his long tongue," is a flavor that goes down like the Macintosh.
"Suddenly, the White Consultant began jumping up and down as his
face got red. "No, no, no! he screamed. "No one pays one fifty an
hour to Macintosh consultants!"
"Awk," said the Frog.
"Users," explained the Sun Bear, "want an easy interface that
they will not have to learn."
"Users?" cried the Consultant in disbelief. "Users?! You mean
secretaries, accountants, architects. Manual laborers!"
"Well," responded the Sun Bear, "we've got to do something to
make them want to switch to UNIX."
"Do you think," said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a
hole in the table, "that there might be a problem with the name `UNIX?'
I mean, it does sort of suggest being less than a man."
"Maybe we should try another name, " suggested the Job Sparrow,
"like Brut, or Rambo."
"Penix," suggested a Penguin.
"Mount," said the Frog, "spawn."
Alice slapped him. "Nice?" he asked.
"But then again," suggested the Woodpecker, "what about the
shrinkwrap issue?"
Suddenly, everyone leaped up and started dashing about, waving
their hands in the air and screaming. Just as suddenly, they all sat
down again.
"Now that that's settled," said the Woodpecker, "let's go back
to tasting flavors."
Everyone at the table sampled a new cup of custard. "Wrong
flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup to the creature on
their right and took the one being offered on their left.
Totally confused, Alice got up and left. After she had been
walking away, she heard a familiar voice behind her.
"Rem," is said, "edlin."
Alice turned and saw the Frog. She smiled. "Those are queer
sounding words," she said, "but at least I know what they mean."
"Chkdsk," said the Frog.
-----By Lincoln Spector TEXAS COMPUTER CURRENTS SEPTEMBER 1989
humor/COMPUTER/alternat.osi
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Alternatives to OSI
===================
by Jock C. St. Martin
University of the Outer Hebrides
Scotland
Following recent discussions concerning the relative merits of OSI and
ARPA protocols, I decided to throw my hat into the ring. Furthermore,
I believe that the ARPA protocols are not the only contenders with
OSI, and that a number of even more "mature" mechanisms exist. I
present seven possibilities for consideration.
1. Bean tins and bits of string
-------------------------------
The use of bean tins and taut pieces of string has long been
recognised as an effective means of communication. In fact,
excavations from Anglo-Saxon dwellings in Nottingham show their use
(albeit with imported coconuts as opposed to bean tins) in early
everyday office situations.
Bean tins and string have several advantages over OSI:
a. They are fast, light weight and portable.
b. They don't require the purchase of expensive computers.
c. Complex error correction (based on the "NO - I said ..."
principal)
d. Uses off the supermarket shelf technology.
e. They were not invented by the ISO.
They also exhibit a very few trifling limitations:
a. Poor support for "packet" switching (however, tin switching may be
supported).
b. Users often cut themselves on the tins.
c. Star network topologies become more complex.
d. They don't scale very well.
2. Shouting from the roof tops
------------------------------
Shouting from the rooftops can be an effective method of optimised
local area communication. It is based on the well understood CMSA/CD
technology but with the notion of priority. Users can insert high
priority traffic with the "If I might get a word in edgeways" packet.
It is already in widespread use - e.g., the House of Commons,
political canvassing and Speakers Corner. Naturally, a roof top is
only necessary for high bandwidth traffic. The PTT's would probably
assume this role. The average user would be content to shout in the
street.
Shouting has many advantages over OSI:
a. It is not as "complex and obscure".
b. Most people understand shouting.
c. Broadcasts are easy.
d. Its fun.
e. It wasn't invented by the ISO
OSI has hardly any advantages over shouting:
3. Burning beacons on hill-tops:
---------------------------------
Burning beacons on hill-tops have long been used to warn of advancing
Armadas and their like. However, the author believes that beacons may
have wider applications than just these.
In particular, they have the following advantages over OSI:
a. No "dangerous checkpointing".
b. They keep you warm.
c. Not overly complex and obscure.
d. A secondary use for the disposal of those nasty ISO people.
e. Not cluttered with unnecessary functionality.
f. Not invented by the ISO.
Disadvantages to OSI:
a. Not suitable for the office environment (this may really be
an advantage in some circumstances).
b. Low bandwidth (may also be an advantage - see 7)
c. Error rates can be high. Arsonists, pyromaniacs and
"Satanic Verses" burners can generate spoof packets.
4. Semaphore
------------
Semaphore has been in use for many years. So why did ISO not consider
this for international internetworking? This is difficult to
determine, but is probably due to political motivations rather than
any deficiencies in the protocols. Naturally there are a few rough
edges to be addressed.
Advantages over OSI
a. Broadcasts are easily accommodated.
b. Widely supported off-the-shelf infra-structure (boy scouts).
c. Not invented by ISO
Disadvantages over OSI
a. Not so useful at night (but a working party on luminous
flags is in progress).
b. Bandwidth is rather low - but automation should help.
5. Messages in bottles
----------------------
This is a low cost solution to networking. Bottles are easy to obtain
and with a little development, this neglected backwater of
communications technology could be a real alternative.
Advantages over OSI
a. High bandwidth data channels already in existence (e.g. the
gulf stream, rivers and sewers.)
b. Large amounts of data can be placed in the appropriate
sized bottles.
c. Not invented by ISO.
Disadvantages to OSI
a. Transit time is unpredictable (but then IP, for instance,
does not guarantee any bounded delivery time)
6. The Telephone
----------------
This might be seen as an enhancement of method 2. However, there is a
lot to be gained from this approach. The name lookup problem is
already solved as are routing issues. Lets face it, communications
protocols are ultimately used for communicating between people. So why
not just standardise the telephone. Add on services such as broadcast
agents (commonly called gossips/operators) are easy to achieve.
Advantages over OSI
a. Its a mature existing technology.
b. Directory services issues, routing and charging are
already established.
c. It's now available in portable form.
d. Not invented by ISO
Disadvantages to OSI
a. Because it's a mature technology, there aren't so many
interesting research areas.
b. As a result of 2. there are few exotic conference openings.
c. It costs money.
7. Not communicating at all
---------------------------
One question I asked myself was "why communicate at all?" On
consideration it was realised that not communicating has the following
advantages over OSI.
a. Low consumption of bandwidth.
b. Cheap and easy to manage.
c. No one disagrees with you.
d. Without the time wasted on communication, other business
proceeds much quicker.
e. Not invented by the ISO
No known disadvantages to OSI.
The ARPA protocols.
----------------------
The ARPA protocols deserve consideration along with many of the above
mentioned methods of communication. In particular, they have one
major advantage over OSI.
a. Not invented by the ISO
However, despite this overwhelming advantage of the Internet protocol
suite, the ISO proponents simply will not give in. In this section I
therefore give a few other reasons for the superiority of the Internet
suite - as if 1. was not enough.
Scalability. The Internet protocols are obviously scalable as has been
proved time and time again. All that is required is for the PTT's to
take the sensible step of providing a network infra-structure and the
rest can be solved. Charging is easily accommodated - the PTT's pick
up the bills.
Network interface. Many people have commented on how convenient it is
to have a network address which fits into a common word size. This is
such a advantage that the limitations are really insignificant. If the
address space ever gets used up there is an obvious extension
mechanism - the waiting list.
Session layer. The Internet suite sensibly disregarded session
services as superfluous. As has been observed, checkpointing is
inherently dangerous as it can lead to loss of network usage and
revenue. OSI has been influenced by the Internet community here, and
has provided a session service complex enough that most
implementations try and ignore it.
Presentation layer. Again the Internet triumphs. It is quite clear
that for the most part applications only need to exchange data
consisting of bytes of 8, 16 and 32 bit quantities. These simple
structures can be used as building blocks to construct almost any
structure required. If this is not sufficient, there is a simple
escape mechanism provided, known in the jargon as a "string encoding".
It is quite clear that ASN.1 is just over the top - CHOICE's and
OPTIONAL's are for quiche-eating indecisive applications.
Application layer. Well the Internet has got this one too. Honestly,
it's quite obvious that each application should do its own thing.
That's what they're there for. If an application needs remote
procedure call interface, or security, or name lookup, then it can do
it itself rather than forcing it to use some more general service like
ROS or directory services.
SUMMARY
-------
In summary, I feel that all of the above methods are orders of
magnitude better than OSI (which incidently, and by coincidence,
wasn't invented here). In particular, I feel that method 7 offers the
greatest potential and, with this in mind, WE DO NOT WELCOME ANY
FURTHER COMMENTS YOU MIGHT HAVE!
Author's note
-------------
This article is in no way connected with either Julian Onions or Steve
Benford of the University of Nottingham beyond their role as postal
agents for the author.
--
Julian Onions
humor/COMPUTER/amigause.txt
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101 THINGS TO DO WITH A DEAD AMIGA
==================================
Brought to you by the Webbed Sphere ST [513]299-3665
***********************************************************************
ASCII conversion by Internal Malfunction, [705]'s ST source!
300/1200/2400, 24 hours a day [705]734-0349 Barrie, Ont.
***********************************************************************
Modifications by Wild Dog of Simcoe County Atari Users Group.
special thanks to Atari Master.
[1] You can put an Amiga under a short leg on a table.
[2] You can use an Amiga for a kitty litter box.
[3] You can scrap an Amiga and use it as spare parts for a radio.
[4] You can use an Amiga as a car stop when you park on a steep hill.
[5] You can use an Amiga when your teacher hands you an F of your
final exam.
[6] You can use an Amiga to hammer nails.
[7] You can tie 3 Amiga's together and use them as a jock strap.
[8] You can use an Amiga as a locker shelf if you need more space.
[9] When in fear of power surges you can plug in an Amiga first.
[1O] You can tie 2 Amiga's together and use it as a leg brace.
[11] If you get stuck in mud then you can use an Amiga as friction to
get out.
[12] Use an Amiga as a hood ornament.
[13] When you do your homework, you can use an Amiga as a paper
weight for a book.
[14] You can have a contest on how many pieces you can make an Amiga
into.
[15] If you have muddy shoes you can scrape the mud off on them.
[16] You can construct a raft out of Amiga's.
[17] You can write important messages on the back of an Amiga.
[18] You can grow fungus culture on an Amiga.
[19] If making a geek BBS use an Amiga for the computer.
[2O] Use an Amiga as a book end.
[21] Amiga's can be used as a murder weapon of some sort.
[22] You can use an Amiga as a goldfish bowl.
[23] If you buy an Amiga you will learn a new phrase.. "Fucked Again.."
[24] Instead of flushing your money down the toilet you can buy
an Amiga.
[25] You can raise bees in your Amiga.
[26] Engrave an Amiga and use it as a headstone.
[27] If your favorite T.V. show was cancelled you can throw it at a TV.
[28] If you know how to read, you can use an Amiga as a bookmark.
[29] Rent an Amiga as a roach motel.
[3O] You can use the owner's manual to teach people how to read.
[31] You can use an Amiga as a footstool.
[32] You can use an Amiga as a scratchpost for your cat.
[33] You can glue 1O Amigas together to use as a surfboard.
[34] As a torture, you can make someone use an Amiga.
[35] You can use 2 Amigas as a bookcover.
[36] If out of wood, you can burn some Amigas.
[37] You can set your beer down on an Amiga so as not to scuff your
furniture.
[38] You can see if a Ronco Vegi-Matic will destroy an Amiga.
[39] You can convert Atari ST games to Amiga and watch them flop.
[4O] You can see how much water it takes to short circuit an Amiga.
[41] You can tie an Amiga to a stick and use it as a shovel.
[42] You can drill a hole through the center of one and shit
through it.
[43] You can use an Amiga as a backboard for basketball.
[44] You can take PCP and imagine you have a furry computer.
[45] You can tie an Amiga to your foot and use it as a cleat.
[46] You can use an Amiga as a hubcap.
[47] You can use an Amiga as a wrecking ball on a crane.
[48] You can test your new gun on an Amiga.
[49] You can test out sizes of drill bits on an Amiga.
[5O] You can throw Amigas at 14 year olds.
[51] You can hollow an Amiga out and put secret messages in it.
[52] You can get the neighborhood faggot to fuck an Amiga.
[53] With enough of them you can build a chair.
[54] If you really go for it you can build a table for your Apple
with Amigas
[55] You can use an Amiga as a door mat.
[56] You can wipe your ass with an amiga.
[57] You can use an Amiga as an ashtray.
[58] You can give an Amiga to the needy.
[59] You can use an Amiga as a whoopy-cushion.
[6O] You can give an Amiga an AIDS virus.
[61] You can use an Amiga as a pooper-scooper.
[62] You can use Amigas in a similar way like Lego blocks.
[63] You could use keys from its keyboard as buttons for your
shirt.
[64] You can fill an Amiga with birdseed and hang it in a tree.
[65] If you like hard pillows you can use an Amiga as one.
[66] You can build a black box with parts from your Amiga.
[67] You can let a professinal wrestler sit on an Amiga and fart away.
[68] You can throw Amigas at Prince if you go to one of his concerts.
[69] You can wipe your Nose with an Amiga.
[7O] When you go to church you can put one in the collection plate.
[71] You can use an Amiga as a dart board.
[72] You can buy an Amiga, grease it up, and use it a new sex toy.
[73] You can buy an Amiga an return it in the same hour.
[74] You can piss on an Amiga and then make a 14 year old lick it up.
[75] If you have diarhea then you can collect the shit on an Amiga.
[76] You can let your pet dog sleep on an Amiga.
[77] You can count how many pieces an Amiga breaks into after
you throw it.
[78] You can sit on an Amiga when you go to a baseball game.
[79] You can give this file to an Amiga owner and laugh in his face.
[8O] Raise mushrooms in an Amiga.
[81] If you get mugged show him your Amiga and he'll know you need
the money.
[82] You can feed an Amiga to Mikee.
[83] Give it a funeral.
[84] You can threaten someone by say)ng you'll tell everyone that he
owns one.
[85] Bronze it and place it on the mantel.
[86] You can tell if people are stupid by if they own an Amiga.
[87] If one of your cords are stripped then you can use the one
from Amiga.
[88] Frost an Amiga and enter it in a cake contest.
[89] You can use 3 Amigas as a helmet for football.
[9O] You can see how many Amigas you can destroy in an hour.
[91] You can fart on an Amiga and see how long it takes for it to melt.
[92] You can use an Amiga as a popcorn popper.
[93] You can heat an Amiga and use it as an iron.
[94] You can decorate the ceiling by putting parts of Amigas on it.
[95] Take it for a walk on a leash.
[96] You can use an Amiga as a mailbox.
[97] You can put wheels on it and use it as a shopping cart.
[98] You can keep your pipes in it.
[99] You can keep loose change in it.
[100] Use an Amiga for batting practice.
and if you really want to get rid of it:
[101] Try fixinig it yourself!
(416)663-2432
(705)734-0349 -pass it on!

humor/COMPUTER/anthem.hac
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File: THE HACKERS ANTHEM
Read 94 times
The Hacker's Anthem
By Cheshire Catalyst
(Tune: Put Another Nickel In)
TAP#87
Put another password in,
Bomb it out and try again,
Try to get past logging in,
We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
Try his first wife's maiden name,
This is more than just a game,
It's real fun, but just the same,
It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
Sys-call, let's try a sys-call,
Remember that great bug from Version 3,
of R S X. It's here! Whoppee!
Put another sys-call in,
Run those passwords out and then,
Dial back up, we're logging in,
We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open

humor/COMPUTER/anthropo.stu
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From duncan@rmy.emory.edu Wed Sep 12 10:22:08 1990
From: duncan@rmy.emory.edu (Sara Duncan)
Subject: anthropological study
Keywords: science, chuckle, original
(I wrote this myself while lamenting the plight of the pitiful graduate
student that I am. Thus, it is original and, alas, is all the research I
have managed to do this summer.
Sara Duncan duncan@rmy.rmy.emory.edu)
The Pedagological Tribal System of Primitive Cultures of the
Scientific Research Community
This study deals with a pedagological tribal system with
definite, almost overwhelming paternalistic mores and codes.
I had had some difficulty studying these tribes because they are
quite fierce and often impossible to communicate with except
in their own languages, which are diverse and may have roots
in latin. (I, however, tend to hold that these languages are a
development of the tribes themselves and are a major
contributory factor in their continued isolation from the
global community.) In general, members also appear to have
little ability to learn new languages. To overcome these
barriers, I am attempting to infiltrate a tribe and become a
full-fledged member of it. I am currently undergoing
initiation rites in a southeastern tribe called "Physiology
and Pharmacology". This is a preliminary report of my current
findings.
The adult males of any of the tribes which can be grouped
under the broad designation "researchers" are called
"professors" and sometimes "doctors".
The terms are not entirely interchangeable as the
higher ranking males are always referred to as "doctor"
whereas "professor" is a more generic term for all adult
males who have completed any variation of the initiation
process which is called "graduate school".
There are two groups of females in this culture, one group is
granted low ranking status as a quasi-male with
responsibilities similar to the very low-ranking males. They
are referred to as "professors" also, but are never actually
allowed to progress beyond certain set heirarchial levels.
This group is not often granted reproductive status. The
second group of females could be classified as sub-adult, as
they are never granted any of the rights of the full adult,
which is, of course, always male or quasi-male. They are
termed "professor's wives" and may only assume any status
through the male to whom they are attached and by telephone
calls to secretaries. The phone calling privilege is unique to
the "professor's wife" and is *never* usurped.
Interestingly, offspring of these unions are not acknowledged
within the culture and leave the tribe upon reaching
adolescence.
Reproduction is quite unusual and very interesting! The
tribes call this "recruitment". Several select members of the
tribe, usually middle-ranking males and even a few quasi-male
females travel to distant tribes called "undergraduate
colleges" where they put on quite lovely displays and make
generous offers to the neonates from the "undergraduate
colleges". This is similar to courtship in some cultures, but
is directed at procuring neonates. The neonates put on a
secondary display for the professors of their choosen tribe,
wherein they accept the wonderous offers. These are very
intricate dances, and only the best research tribes and neonates
are successful.
Once the new tribe members have arrived at their new tribe,
however, initiation may take anywhere from four to
seven years. I have seen examples of initiates being
subjected to trials for eight years! This does vary somewhat,
but the general rule is an extrordinarily long and quite
demanding set of incomprehensible tests that the candidates
for initiation must perform well on. These are similar to the
tribes of Africa who have to walk on hot coals in bare feet or
draw elaborate scars on all parts of their bodies. The
actual trials are called "preliminary exams" "qualifying
exams" and, of course the dreaded "dissertation defense" rite.
Unfortunatly, I have not yet been made privy to all the
inuendos of this final rite. Although I have been allowed to
watch during several. I was actually required to watch this
horrible test of human ability to withstand the agony of hours
of questions in very highly ceremonial language, many words of
which I am not yet informed. The medicine man of the tribe
changes for each different initiate. He is called the "major
professor", possibly referring to his power during the rite of
passage. The power of the medicine man is reflected on the
initiate and will follow him through his entire adult life.
These tribes have not yet been well characterized. This is
understandable in light of the extreme reclusivity and
exclusivity of all of the research tribes I have encountered.
Yet this should not preclude further in-depth analysis of a
truly unique way of life. I shall continue work within my
present tribe in hopes of becoming a full fledged member, as
it were, and of coming to full understanding of this culture.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Please use looking.on.ca and not just looking or looking.uucp.

humor/COMPUTER/antimodm.txt
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**************************************
* Anti-Modem Weapon *
*****************By*******************
Enemy Within
An effective modem weapon, especially on crossbar phone system. (Will still
operate on Ess but you will kill phone service to your prefix for a few hours,
and everyone talking will be cut off on your prefix and the one yu called)
What is this device? Its a Tesla Coil. The Tesla coil when proprly used will
generate literally thousands or volts at very low amperage. (Just the right
current to bake silicon chip cookies.)
---> Set up
1. Disconnect all phones from your line. Disconnect answering dvices and
any data-transmission devices.
2. Run a preliminary test on the coil and disconnect nearby grounded objects.
(Lamps Stereos, TV's etc...)
3. Connect one phone that you see fit to subject.(It usually des not
destroy phones, (But I have seen them melt off walls.)
4. Connect iron or steel balls to the green and red wires of yor connected
phone (these are the line wires that go into the wall.) l1 ad l2
terminals of your phone.
5. Put on a pair of thick rubber gloves (EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!)
6. Charge coil to at least 10,000 volts. An ideal setting is arund 18 to
19 thousand, but 10 will jump Bells line surge protectors.
7. Hold metal balls in your left hand. (Make sure they don't toch each
other) When the coil is fully charged, clip the steel ball cnnected to
the red wire to the base of the tesla coil and hold the other metal ball
as far away from the coil as you can.
8. Dial the offending modems number.
9. When connected, move the metal object connected to the gree wire within
2 feet of the coils top.
-> Don't be afraid of the little bolts at the top of the coil...
10. Within 3 seconds a huge bolt of lightning will shoot forth at the phone
from the hand that you are holding the balls in.
(Hold on tight cause it'll feel like loads of ants!)
You will immediatly hear many strange oscilations to the carrier on the
phone. The last noise you will hear is a pop! from the phone. (hat is the
last cry of agony as it shuts down.)
Crossbar just disconnects.
Guaranteed to fry the modem, the
computer and any peripherals.
or anyone who answers the phone!
ALL DAMAGE IS UN-REPAIRABLE.
including lives!!!
In Association with:
++++++++++++++++++++
+ DAMAGE Inc. +
++++++++++++++++++++

humor/COMPUTER/aol.txt
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Subject: Diary of an AOL user
july 18- i just tried to connect to america online, which I've heard
is the best online service I can get. i can't connect, i dont know
what is wrong.
july 19- some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. i dont see why. hes just trying to cheat me. how dumb does he
think i am?
july 20- i bought the modem. i couldnt figure out where it goes. it
wouldnt fit in the moniter or the printer. im confused.
july 21- i finally got the modem in and hooked up. that three year old
next door did it for me.
july 22- that three year old kid next door hooked me up to america
online for me. hes so smart.
july 23- whats the internet? i thought i was on america online, not
this internet thingy. im confused.
july 24- the three year old kid next door showed me how to use this
america online stuff. he must be a genius, at least compared to me.
july 25- i tried to use chat today. i tried to talk into my computer
but nothing happened. maybe i need to buy a microphone.
july 26- i found this thingy called usenet. i got out of it because im
connected to america online, not usenet. i went to the doctor today
for my regular checkup. he says that since i connected to america
online, my brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.
july 27- these people in this usenet thingy keep using capital
letters. how do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital
letters. maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
july 28- i found this thingy called the usenet oracle. it says that it
can answer any questions i ask it. i asked it 44 seperate questions
about the internet. i hope it responds soon.
july 29- i found a group called rec.humor. i decided to post this joke
about why the chicken crossed the road. to get to the other side! ha
ha! i wasn't sure if i posted it right so i posted it 56 more times.
july 30- i keep hearing about the world wide web. i didnt know spiders
grew that large.
july 31- the oracle responded to my questions today. geez, it was
rude. i was so angry that i posted an angry message about it to
rec.humor.oracle.d. i wasn't sure if it posted right so i posted it 22
more times.
august 1- someone told me to read the faq. geez, they didn't have to
use profanity.
august 2- i just read this post called make money fast. im so exited,
im going to make lots of money. i followed his instructions and posted
it to every newsgroup i could find.
august 3- i just made my signature file. its only 6 pages long, so i
will have to work on it some more.
august 4- i just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. i read a few
posts and i really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of
the earth. i wonder what an "aol" is, however.
august 5- i was asking where to find some information about something.
some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. ive looked and looked,
but i cant find that group.
august 6- some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. i
told him i don't have an account at his bank. hes so dumb.
humor/COMPUTER/ap.calcul
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AP Calculus revisted (stolen from 1981 & 1982 Tep rush book)
(or Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Calculus,
but were afraid to pass)
Part one: Proof techinques
Proof by induction (used on equations with n in them.
Induction techniques are very popular, even the Army
uses them.)
SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's
true for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary,
so we can take n as large as we want.
If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is trivially
equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n.
We can take n=n (from above), so it's true for n+1 becuase it's
just about n.
QED (QED translated from the Latin as "So what?")
Proof by oddity
SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
Horses have an even number of legs.
They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number
of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both odd and
even is infinity. Therefore, horses must have an infinite number
of legs.
Topics is be covered in future issues include:
Proof by intimidation
gesticulation (handwaving)
overwhelming evidence
blatant assertion
definition
constipation (I was just sitting there and...)
mutual consent
changing all the 2's to n's
lack of a counterexample
elliptical reasoning
bullet proof
86 proof
it stands to reason
try it; it works
proof by linear combination of the abve
.... and many, many more
humor/COMPUTER/apg.hum
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/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
| |
| News about the |
| |
| Apple Pirate's Guild |
| (APG) |
| |
| Written by Captain Goodnight |
| Distributed by Jezebel |
| |
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
The Apple Pirate's Guild came into being recently after a shortage of Apple
warez came about. It seemed that the locate pirate boards were full of
leaches. So two young soles (souls. Whatever) took it upon themselves to
right all the wring and to cut off all the fucking leeches from the warez
suppliers. So we, meaning Jezebel and myself, cracked out the idea of APG.
Here's the concept.
A network of BBS's and AE's will be established across the country with each
having a section set off for APG. The main or home boards for the APG are
Marin 80 TBBS, Minstrel's Gallery (Alfa III) and the soon-to-be APG Alfa III
board that Jezebel will open as soon as he bothers to go get the hard drive
that his dad promised to get him for Christmas.
As of the end of 1986 there were rumored to be nine such boards, two being
the above mentioned ones. The reason we are trying to get ones located all
over the U.S. is very simple: Some of the best crackers and pirates do not
phreak. By having tentacles all over the place the network can pick up games
and distribute them all over the U.S.
Jezebel and I have talked about how to go about setting up the APG a great
deal. Some of the basic ideas are these: Nobody has to pay to be in (we both
hate the idea of paying to use a system or get warez since that is both the
wrong attitude towards pirating and that we feel only dildo's would charge for
something that will ultimately get them more games. We also feel that
participation is a must. Leeches are not to be allowed. But do not be
confused when I say that we both encourage the help and support with new
recruits since we were all new at this at one point in time. Work with new
people on the outside, but don't let them in until they have proven that they
are APG material.
And what is APG material, you ask. Well, we now have a system. When an APG
system is established, all members on the system have zero (0) "points" (I hate
that word but until I find a better sub it's what I'm gonna use). It is up to
the sysop or whoever is in charge to monitor the uploads, rewarding users with
either zero, one or two points for uploads, with zero points being either shit,
old stuff, or stupid-ass educational games, one being for either okay games or
stuff that is semi-old, and two being for stuff worth having.
When you have entered the APG section you get a few nice options. You get to
download any and all of the shit that people have been uploading free of charge
(some systems will no doubt continue using the points system, with each upload
getting a value and the uploaded getting 4 times that in download points).
Also he should either call or phreak to either Marin 80 (preferable), or
Jezebels' APG board (when it gets set up) so that his name can be added to the
national listing that is distributed to the various APG boards.
This national list will be updated often and uploaded to the sysops of the
APG network, giving them the names of valid APG members. This keeps them, the
members, from having to go through all that shit, if the sysop so chooses. We
encourage the sysops to validate the members on the members list IF they call
their board and show that they will be regulars, either by uploading or calling
more than once a month.
A list of APG boards will follow this file. We encourage those interested to
call Marin 80 and leave me mail or Jezebel (he has an ! for a last name so it
looks like this: Jezebel !). By doing so, we can tell you more. But when you
do that be prepared to tell us from what board you heard about it, what it's
number is (so we can call and verify it) who spread the news there (posted the
message, uploaded this file, etc), and what you plan to contribute (what are
your NEWEST warez, if you hack and if you phreak). Leave the message in the
Email section (the <E> option).
And don't be assholes. Fill out the registration there with proper info.
This way we can call you or mail you disks of new warez. Because if you turn
out to be a dildo and either not answer the questions of lie, we will make damn
sure that you will be cut from the network.
But do call. Marin 80 is for DDD v4.0 files and Minstrel's Gallery is for
ProPacker files, as will be Jezebels when he opens for business in a few
days/weeks/months. And the sooner you call the sooner we get all the shit
rolling.
And while you're on Marin 80, read the bulletins. Many of them, almost all,
are by me.
Marin 80 TBBS
(415) 479-7218
300/1200
24 hrs
Sysop: Jean Lafitte and Captain Goodnight
Minstrel's Gallery
(415) 382-8724
300/1200
24 hrs
Sysop: The Minstrel
Note: from appearnace these boards appear to be clean. Post no
open messages about the APG there, only private ones to myself or
Jezebel or to the sysop.
Look for:
The Story of Mojo: The persecution of a Sysop
Miami: A hackers story
Milliways: Why strike?
Maxhead: Don't pay to use
Fonelist v2.0
AElist
Captain
This has been a ||||||| production.
Goodnight

humor/COMPUTER/appconspir.txt
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\Posted on eWorld:
Power Macintosh/7200 Series
New
Subj: 7200/75? My job is on the line! 95-12-18 12:30:10 PST
From: xxxxx
Posted on: eWorld
Two months ago I was responsible for the purchase of fifteen 7200/75s, eight 7200/90s, three 5300cs. I was reprimanded last friday for my computer choice. Through the grapevine I found out I will be fired after the holidays if the office computer problems are not resolved. Filemaker doesn't work anymore. The 5300cs the screen flakes away into horizontal ant races till it finally disappears it makes you so mad, well I've had better experiences in traffic court. The machines print- sometimes. Total hours down for crash time and lost work come to about 1000 hours. I have been a Apple seed since 1984, I grew up on Apples. I know just about everything about these computers- they are the best, or so I thought. With my job on the line, I have to ask, and please be honest... should I go ahead and return these computers? I was thinking of replacing them with the following: twenty-three 7100s and three 520c. I'm at my wits end they just don't seem to be fixable!
This probably insane, but I'll relay it anyway; I have heard from some pretty high ups an alarming bit of news which seems somewhat unbelivable till you think about all the problems Apple Inc. has been having. According to several sources there is a "plot" afoot to destroy Apple computing from within by actually paying mid-level exec types and programmers to sabatoge and flaw products and operations, as much as possible, to coincide with the release of Windows 95. I know this sounds crazy but I have been zooming down a razor slide over the last two months by backing the Apple name, and after all I have been through this is beginning to seem real. If there is anyone out there not on Bill Gates payroll, I beg you, please help me!!
humor/COMPUTER/applefridge.txt
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€ Call-of-the-Day: Mac is essential cabin equipment; see ya fridge!
Edited by Jeff Mosqueda, Staff Writer
The following Call-of-the-Day was submitted by Apple Assurance agent Russ
Swindell in Tempe, Arizona:
After answering the phone in my usual manner I was halted by the high pitched
squelch on the line. I repeated the greeting hoping that this was a dead line or
something. But the caller responded in a faint Texan voice:
€ Caller: Hello? € Agent: Yes, what type of computer are you calling about? €
Caller: Yeah, bud, I have a Quadra 605 and we are all in a cabin with inverted
power. Can ya here it? Well, how much voltage and power do I need to start this
thing up?
I read him the electrical specs for his machine. (100 volts)
€ Caller: Oh wow, I've got 98 volts right now. (And I hear him muffle the phone
as he yells) Honey! Yank that 'fridge!
After a moment, the squelching stops and I hear the Quadra start-up chime.
€ Caller: Yee-Haw!!! Honey, we got Links Pro! (turning back to the phone)
Thanks partner. <click>
humor/COMPUTER/applemaf.hum
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(>View: THE APPLE MAFIA F STORY/F/THE SA
*******************************************************************************
******* *******
******* The Apple Mafia Story *******
******* *******
******* As Told To: Red Ghost *******
******* *******
*******************************************************************************
The reason I'm writing this file is to (hopefully) once and for all, clear up
all the rumors, false statements, and just lies, that are going around about
one of the first 3 pirate groups ever. (Untouchables, Apple Mafia, Dirty Dozen)
I won't get into the other two, because there already is "The Untouchables"
story, and I'm not qualified to make comments about the Dirty Dozen.
Everything in this file is fact. I grew up in Queens NY (now 718). Where many
of the "original" pirates and phreaks, were from. Many of the readers will
question certain aspects of this file, or my authority to write it. But they
are always more than welcome to go to the sources themselves and find the truth
is what I am writing.
*******************************************************************************
To begin with, I'm now 22 and going to college. I have been out of the "wares
world" for the better part of 2 years. What prompted me to write this is a
younger friend of mine, who is now a "pirate" and spends his life calling all
the boards, and getting all the wares (Not making fun of anyone, I went
through the same phase when I started, but it was very different from the
pirates world of today). About a week ago he told me about the "Apple Mafia"
regrouping. I said bullshit. And I was right. He gave me some of the files
on discussions now going on about the "new" "apple mafia" and I must say it's
pretty sad.
I felt the real story of what went on should be told, so here it is.
One more thing before I start. I was never in the Apple Mafia, or any of the
other groups mentioned here. I never had that deep an interest in computers
as anything but game machines or better typewriters. But I grew up in close
proximety to many of the people involved, and spent time with them in other
areas besides computers.
*******************************************************************************
From the messages posted about the controversy I have seen. I think it might be
best to go through them 1 by 1. So here's the first one:
(Buffer of msg's. Untouched by me, except the conversion from 40 to 80 cols.)
*******************************************************************************
To:The Fake Apple Mafia From:Disk Rigger
You are definatly not the real Apple Mafia. It was a popular group a while ago.
It incluted Bioc Agent 003, Tuc, Hight Technology, Creative Cracker and a few
others. I will inform them of you losers using there names and you will be
ragged out of your minds. I would recomend you changed your group name or you
will feel the wrath of Bioc!
This is serious and you losers can keep your unoriginal name but You will pay
for it.
(Someone's reply.)
Disk Digger:
Get a life dude. The Apple Mafia is OVER. BIOC Agent was thrown out of
the Apple Mafia. The final members were Tuc, Lord Digital, Creative
Cracker, High Technology, Big Brother the Phantom, Silicon Scorpion, &
Sherlock Apple. Nobody is going to Feel the wrath of Bioc
(hahahahahhahahahahha). because 1. he quit the phreak/pirate world over a year
ago. 2. if he WAS around he wouldnt give a shit. 3. The old members who are
still around probably care even less.
(Someone elses reply.)
While the new "apple mafia" (get a life you fuckups. you might as well call
yourselves the Untouchables.) are idiots.
new warez r0dentz who sure as hell weren't around when the REAL apple mafia was
around, are even bigger r0dents. This means YOU disk digger.
Naming yourself after a program used to pack new wherez. get a life you fat
fuckup. And if the people in the apple mafia knew YOU were throwing their names
around on a fucking catfur, YOU are the one they would be mad at.
FUckup
*******************************************************************************
Despite incorrect statements in both parties messeges, this seems like a good
time to point out that Bioc Agent was never in the Apple Mafia to begin with.
The members changed through time, but Bioc was never a member. (More on him at
a later time) The Final members were: (If you doubt this, then boot up any ware
cracked by them in 84-85. Which was the final regrouping of the Mafia)
The Godfather (Charles). The Phantom (Eric). Creative Cracker (Marc).
High Technology (Craig). Lord Digital (Patrick). Jacque Lafitte (Jack).
The Magnet (Joe). Sherlock Apple (Dave). Silicon Scorpion (Mark).
Data Dragon (Jordon). Big Brother (Andy). & towards the very end: Tuc (Scott).
Former members who were thrown out or quit: The Parasite, Tylenol Cyanide,
Yosemite Sam, and people I don't remember from CA.
(More Messages)
*******************************************************************************
Number > 7
Subject> Apple Mafia? (Ha)
Viewer > DISK RIGGER <Elite>
Posted > MON MAR 17 4:24:17 PM
Genius. Are you talking about that
loser group in 213? They are in for it.
If you didnt know already there was
already a group Called Apple Mafia. Too
bad two of 'em were FEDS.
Hey, Where ANY of you ever on The Old
Sherwood Forest's? [ /, //, /// ]?
(Another msg.)
Number > 8
Subject> SHERWOOD FORESTS
Author > CHRONOS
Posted > MON MAR 17 5:03:32 PM
Yeah, I was on // and ///... I never got an answer at / though... Wasn't the
Apple Mafia (later Micro Mafia) running those boards?
[chronos/KOTBC]
And didn't they break up before they got busted? I remember something about
them just giving up, cause 2 guys were doing all the work...then they put
Yellowbeard in charge and it was never heard from again...
(Another msg.)
Number > 13
Subject> Sherwood Forest
Viewer > WARE BANDIT <Elite>
Posted > TUE MAR 18 3:43:11 PM
What two members of The Real Apple
Mafia were feds? Because I knew several
including High tech, and Creative.
And the reason you neve got an answer
at sherwood forest / was because that
was the old sherwood forest //... High
tech moved from Ny, and after he set it
up at his new place he called it
Sherwood forest //.... Well I have many
old files, and posts saved from the
last grand adventure (that was thier
logo), So if you would like to view
them then just leave me a message on
the underground.
later, [Ware Bandit]
(Another msg.)
Number > 14
Subject> WB..
Viewer > DISK RIGGER <Elite>
Posted > TUE MAR 18 4:17:52 PM
I think Magnetic Surfer ran it. Yeah I
also have a lot of things saved on
Buffer. They had a LARGE G-File
section. And a TRUELY awesome Elite
sub.
And some people got the impression that
Creative Cracker was a lazy ass. It is
not true. The board was being runned by
Federal Agents. He just came in to look
at it.
(Another msg.)
Number > 15
Subject> SERIOUS?
Author > CHRONOS
Posted > TUE MAR 18 5:44:17 PM
Sherwood Forests were really being run by Feds? I'd like to know who... they
let it get pretty far before they busted them then...
[chronos/KOTBC]
(Another msg.)
Number > 18
Subject> The forest
Viewer > WARE BANDIT <Elite>
Posted > WED MAR 19 3:23:11 PM
Okay this might clear some things up between some people that might be confused
on the subject.
Sherwood Forest .... Used to be run by High Tech. About 2-3 years ago.
Sherwood Forest // The later Sherwood forest run by High tech. when he moved.
Sherwood Forest /// Ran by Creative Cracker, a good friend of High tech.
and no they were not feds, they just got a little carried away with the way
they were running thier boards by letting just about anyone access most of the
phreak sections that they had on-line. The Treasury dept. finally closed them
down along with cryton and some other un-heard of hack boards.
If you have any questions feel free to ask.. I was going to run thier number 4
board, but shortly after I was offered the opurtunity they went under...
*******************************************************************************
I don't know where these msg's are from, or who these people are. But almost
everything said in them is wrong.
"I heard 2 guys were doing all the work, so they quit". Whoever said that has
obviously read the 1984 loserlist, because that is a verbatim quote from it.
Not only is it wrong in slandering everyone from Apple Bandit, Hot Rod, and
Wombat/Gonif, to Bioc Agent, Lord Digital and Paul Muad'Dib. But it's written
in a such a ridiculous fashion, that any points the author was trying to make
are lost in the jumble (For those who care it was written by "The Atom").
Sherwood Forests (The last grand adventure).
The FIRST Sherwood Forest was started in 1979 by Magnetic Surfer. The only
people who were on it back then, and still recognized would be Mr. Xerox and
Lord Digital. Other members included Nickie Halflinger, Captain Crunch,
Napoleon Bonaparte, and many others, whose names are probably meaningless to
the people around today.
There was a 20 page write up on "Hackers", before it was in vogue to write
about them (Before WarGames and the 414 busts), In a 1982 issue of "California"
magazine. Which detailed the bust of Ron Austin, who was at the time of arrest
22 years old and being tried for everything from credit card fraud, to grand
theft. Also included in the article was a write up on Hacker bbs systems he
was on and people he knew. The Sherwood Forest mentioned in that article was
Magnetic Surfer's, not the later ones.
Sherwood forest was run on a micromodem and 1 disk drive. There were no Cat's,
DOS was at 3.1, and Disk Drives were still a novelty. It went down in 1981 for
whatever reasons, and went back up as a public system with 1200 & a 46 mb hard
drive in 1983. Shortly thereafter it went private and became the Knights of
Shadow Base bbs. During it's final days in 1984, this was the FINAL memberlist:
SYSTEM OPERATOR <-- Magnetic Surfer. TKOS member
PIT FIEND <-- Local Queens person
LORD DIGITAL <-- Name speaks for itself. Apple Mafia & TKOS member
CRIMINAL ELEMENT <-- Local Queens person, semi notorious for being a ass
STEPHEN FALKEN <-- aka: Jon Gleich of Earth News Central
THE SURGE <-- Unknown. Access from Lord Digital
BIG BROTHER <-- 617 phreak/pirate. Apple Mafia & TKOS member
E.F. HUTTON <-- 312 Phreak/Hacker. TKOS member
THE KNIGHTS OF SHADOW <-- TKOS account
MR. XEROX <-- Name speaks for itself. TKOS founder
CAPTAIN AVATAR <-- aka: Skip Rooney
DISK DEMON <-- Local Queens person
GUEST ACCOUNT <-- A guest account
THE MAGNET <-- Apple Mafia co-founder
THE PROWLER <-- Canadian Phreak, NOT the 612 Prowler
BIOC AGENT 003 <-- Name speaks for itself. TKOS member
QUASI MOTO <-- TKOS member. Ran PloverNet
PHONE FIEND <-- Local Queens person
TUC TUCBBS <-- Tuc. Name speaks for itself. TKOS member
PAUL MUAD'DIB <-- Name speaks for itself. TKOS member
HARDWARE HACKER <-- Local Queens person
TOM TONE <-- Brooklyn person
THE GODFATHER <-- Apple Mafia co-founder
PETER MCIVERS <-- 617 phreak/hacker
THE PHANTOM <-- Apple Mafia member
NICKIE HALFLINGER <-- Hacker, EEE, in his mid 30's
LEX LUTHOR <-- 305 person. Nobody at this time, later founded LOD
UNCLE JOE <-- Have no idea who this is
LESLIE KARASIC <-- Have no idea who this is
THE NECROMANCER <-- TKOS member
DR JIMMY MR JIM <-- TKOS member
THE WIZARD <-- Asshole from 713. Access from Quasi Moto
FRODO HOBBIT <-- Unknown, from 201. Access from Magnetic Surfer
THE DJIN <-- Unknown, from 718. Access from Magnetic Surfer
RICH DOUGAN <-- Unknown, from 718. Access from Magnetic Surfer
APPLE CAT <-- Unknown, from 718. Access from The Phantom
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE <-- TKOS member. Ex of: Inner Circle. ex Sys of SL
CHRISTOPHER BUNN <-- Unknown, from 718. Access from The Phantom
DR. DOOM <-- Have no idea who this is
WILD CAT <-- Have no idea who this is
THE DISKLAIMER <-- Have no idea who this is
MR IBM <-- Have no idea who this is
DRAGON LADY <-- Ex girlfriend of Chesire Catalyst
GAP DRAGON <-- Have no idea who this is
THE MARK <-- Have no idea who this is
CABLE PAIR <-- Fed par excellance`
STOSH FIXER <-- Have no idea who this is
MILO PHONBIL <-- Sysop of Once & Future OSUNY
MR. GUCCI <-- Sysop of AT&T Phone Center
DR. NIBBLEMASTER <-- TKOS member
STAINLESS STEAL RAT <-- TKOS member
And that's it. Reading the list you have to keep in mind that this was right
after the Inner Circle folded, and almost a year before LOD even began. So many
of the current "Big Names", didn't even own computers yet.
In 1983 a friend of their's (The 212/718 people), called Creative Cracker put
up a bbs called Sherwood Forest ][. For a while it had an ae line simply known
as "Sherwood Forest" in 201, then in 1984 Sherwood Forest ]I[ went up, run by
High Technology. The original co-sysops on SF ][ were High Tech & Jack The
Ripper. Jack was dropped, High Tech became a full sysop, and the new co-sysops
became: Tuc, Bioc & Big Brother.
SF ][ started on a disk ][ & a Rana ]I[ disk drive, Micromodem, and a clock. It
went down for 2 weeks in 1984, then came back up with all new software, 20 megs
and 1000's of files.
SF ]I[ went up with a disk ][ & a Rana ]I[, and that's as big as it ever got.
Creative Cracker was a full sysop. And the co-sysops were Sharp Razor, X-Man,
and Wizard 414. co-sub-ops of maintenence (whatever that is), were: Sherlock
Apple and Silicon Scorpion. All co-sysops and sub-ops were dropped after about
2 months.
None of the boards except for Magnetic Surfer's could be considered really
impressive by todays standards. Impressive in terms of hardware that is. This
is the time when just about the only hard drive was a corvus, whose prices for
a 6 meg started at $2000 in that time. and a complete Apple-Cat/212 card/exp-
ansion module system, came to over $1000.
And finally the Apple Mafia, was NEVER the "Micro Mafia", this was yet another
group of losers cashing in on their group name.
*******************************************************************************
I could go on about what happens to all the people from SF, but that's not the
purpose of this file, so I'm not going to digress. There are many files out
about many of the members (Lord Digital, Paul Muad'Dib, Mr. Xerox come to mind)
already. And others have made themselves known through LOD as well (Lex). What
this file is about is The Apple Mafia, so I'm not going to get into all that.
Which brings me to the final part. The Sherwood Forest Busts....
I'm saying right now that I don't know what happened, just offering the facts
that I do know about it.
If (as is said), SF][ was indeed run by the FBI towards the end. Then why did
they let Creative Cracker keep cracking software? It doesn't seem likely they
would have let him continue, did they just not know or what?
Now if they weren't running SF][, then even more questions come to mind. The
most important one is: why run a board if you truly don't care? CC never
looked at his board, never logged in, the news was updated once every 9 months
by BIOC.
What's more, if it WAS a trap, then logically the other Apple Mafia members had
to know about it. Or most of them. NONE of them EVER posted anything at all.
With the exception of Silicon Scorpion & Sherlock Apple, who kept posting new
wares.
It could be that they lost interest in piracy (As is true of Tuc, Lord Digital,
The Phantom, Big Brother, in fact, almost all the members), BUT this still does
not clear up why NONE of them EVER posted ANYWHERE, including the phreak boards
or the elite subs. Now BIOC did post, but if you know BIOC, he always left some
500 line exerpt he typed up from some magazine, or manual (Which is actually
just about all he ever did, much like Lex), nothing that could get him in any
kind of trouble.
These are the same people whose msg's I've seen buffers of from Sherwood Forest
(Magnetic Surfer's), and World of Cryton, who were posting techniques, systems,
and information, all over. But not ONE msg. from any of them on their supposed
"home base". Pretty weird....
The logical conclusion I draw from this is: They knew the board was being
watched at the very least, and didn't want to draw attention to themselves.
In which case they left everyone else to get caught, which is in keeping with
many of the peoples present attitudes. This is also the time during which the
Apple Mafia members who were also in TKOS got a lot of heat from that group
falling apart in a rather spectacular manner. With almost all of them in danger
of being busted for grand theft.
While SF][ & ]I[ didn't go down until summer of 1985, I would say the Apple
Mafia died almost a year eairlier. I talked to Silicon Scorpion towards the
end of 1984 and as he put it: "What group? I don't even have anyones number
anymore. How am I supposed to be part of a group whose members I can't even
find?" This refers to Creative Cracker whose voice number dissapeared, and
who never answered his feedback, The Phantom, ditto. Big Brother, ditto. Tuc,
ditto. Lord Digital, ditto + he stopped calling any boards. Data Dragon, he's
never home. Who's that leave? not many.
In the cases of The Phantom, Lord Digital and Tuc, this is understandable. They
were all undoubtedly living out paranoid fantasies of everything they'd ever
done catching up with them, as it did with Mr. Xerox not too far in the past.
But what happened to everyone else?
*******************************************************************************
The Apple Mafia is over. Maybe one day some of the members will regroup just
for fun. It would be interesting. But some loser named Judge Dredd, should go
crawl back where he came from. Or find another name for his lame excuse of a
group.
*******************************************************************************
Here is the "flyer" heralding the regrouping of the Mafia in 1984. Verbatim as
typed by The Godfather:
BRIEF HISTORY OF THE APPLE MAFIA.
FOUNDED IN 1980 BY THE GODFATHER AS
A JOKE. REDONE IN 1981 AS A SEMI
SERIOUS GROUP. KICKED SOME ASS IN
'82. BLEW EVERYONE AWAY IN 83, AND
WILL DO MUCH BETTER IN 84. SINCE
THE BEGINNING THE GROUP HAS DIED
OUT AND BEEN REBORN SEVERAL TIMES,
THIS TIME LETS KEEP IT GOING. IS
CURRENTLY THE OLDEST ACTIVE GROUP,
NEXT (OF PEOPLE WHO WOULD STILL BE
AROUND) ARE THE WARE LORDS ('83 I
BEILIEVE) AND THE 1200 CLUB ('83
ALSO, I THINK). THAT'S IT.
A FEW GENERAL IDEAS WE WISH TO PROMOTE:
WHEN YOU GET SOME NEW SOFTWARE CALL
UP AS MANY MAFIA MEMBERS AND GET IT
TO THEM FIRST.
GET IT POSTED UP ON THE BOARDS AS FAST
AS POSSIBLE, NOW WITH CATS, TIME IS
CRUTIAL. BE SURE TO STICK THE MAFIA
AT THE END.
DON'T GET THE GROUP INTO FIGHTS, AND
TRY NOT TO BE AN ASSHOLE.
IT HELPS TO GIVE OUT SOFTWARE TO OTHERS
- WITH THE MOB BEHIND YOU, NO ONE
CAN STOP YOU.
KEEP IN TOUCH WITH OTHER MEMBERS, IT
SUCKS WHEN YOU LOSE CONTACT, IF YOU
NEED ANY HELP CATCHING UP, JUST ASK
SOMEONE... THEY SHOULD BE WILLING TO
HELP YOU CATCH UP.
NEW MEMBERSHIPS ARE DECEIDED BY ALL
OF THE MEMBERS, IF YOU KNOW OF SOMEONE
DECENT, TELL EVERYONE ELSE.
THATS ABOUT IT.
THE GODFATHER
1986.
The Apple Mafia Story
Red Ghost
*******************************************************************************
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humor/COMPUTER/appleuk.txt
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*****************APPLE INTERNAL PRODUCT NEWS - Special Edition**************=
***
Welcome to a Special Edition 'Apple Internal Product News' (AIPN), the
weekly product update from all the product managers for internal staff
ONLY. This was designed to give you up to date information on products
that Apple sells or will be selling in the future.
This is the last AIPN of 1995 and may be the last AIPN ever! So wipe away
your tears and read on...
In order to keep it concise each manager will summarise their information.
There is a lot of really useful information, please make time to read and
take on board all the points.
If for some strange reason you wish to be removed from this incredibly
informative mailing list please advise me.
Please remember: This mailing can contian sensitive information. Please
be sensible with it.
*************************************************************
** Server Update **
1) Due to an extraordinary number of requests from key customers,
engineering in the US have decided to reintroduce Apple II network booting
on the new Shiner servers running AIX. As many of you will know, this
feature (which allows Apple II's to boot over the network from an Apple
server) has been sorely missed since AppleShare Server v2.0. Please extend
your thanks to Brian Neale and the whole Education team for their hard work
in bringing this hot feature back to the market.
=7F2) I am pleased to announce the new range of Apple's PowerPC servers - th=
e
5350c and 5350ce. These astounding new servers are based on the PowerPC
portable computers - the 5300c and 5300ce. Some of the features that make
these servers industry leading:
- Dual redundant power supplies: Install two batteries for the ultimate in
power failure backup.
- Our fastest servers to date: The amazing speed of the 117Mhz PowerPC 603
means this server really screams!
- Trackpad: Apple's first servers to incorporate the latest mouse
technology, the trackpad. Moving users into their respective groups has
never been easier.
Pricing is still being determined. Please stay tuned for more details.
3) Cork just found another pallette of SE/30s hidden behind a stack of
Colour Laserwriters. In order to get rid of these quickly (the SE/30's), we
have decided to do a special SE/30 server bundle. This bundle will include:
- AppleShare 2.0: If you can't wait for AIX Apple II network booting, start
doing it now. We are currently looking into an SE/30 -> Shiner upgrade as
well.
- AppleTalk LAT Gateway v1.0: Many customers have asked for DEC
connectivity on their AppleShare servers. We now deliver it (again).
- OSI Connection 1.1: OSI is the Next Big Thing. We've heard that before,
but this time it's real. Our OSI software implements OSI on the Mac, so now
the Mac can fit into all those government organizations you've been trying
to get into. Get the SE/30 server in now, and the desktops will follow!
- MacX400: While your customers are waiting for the Information
Superhighway to deliver mail to their door, they can use X.400 now!
4) Lastly, I am pleased to announce I have accepted a position in the US as
Apple Desktop Bus Product Marketing Manager. Keep your eyes peeled for some
of the exciting new products I will be involved with, such as the new ADB
Mouse III, and the 2 meter coiled ADB cable with improved shielding. Expect
to see increased marketing activities for all ADB products in the coming
months.
--------------------------
James Dingwall
** PowerBook Update **
1) Mac Portable
---------------
Some Dealers still have stocks of the original Mac Portable - which is an
interesting turn of events in terms of Technology trends in PowerBook
batteries. Now is the time to aggressively Market remaining stocks of the
Mac Portable in light of it's incredible "lead acid" cell with it's
inherent very long battery life.
=46or instance, it is possible to use a Mac Portable on a long train journey=
,
say from London Kings Cross to Edinburgh, on a single overnight charge. As
a matter of fact some users report that the batteries can simultaneously
run the entire train including the buffet car toasted sandwich maker and
STILL have enough power left to jump start your car in the morning before
being clipped on to an electric milk float to deliver on an average sized
dairy round.
Of course, no battery is without it's risks and the bi-product from a lead
acid cell is Hydrogen. However, some recent mishaps (widely overstated in
MacWeek) have been given a positive spin leading Apple Engineers to develop
a "hydrogen fusion cell" which is, of course, the very process our sun
uses to stay alight. More than enough Power to fully launch Excel 5.0 for
Macintosh on any PowerBook.
2) Double Tap TrackPad (PowerBook 190 and 2300c only)
-----------------------------------------------------
This function of the PowerBooks is to be re-named due to some confusion
with the name of a recently discovered Paino Rag and Negro Spiritual dance
step in the Southern United States. This feature was then going to be
renamed the "wonder pad" before the legal action from Snuggles nappies so
WWPM will be calling it the "fingerless mouse" until a better name is
found.
3) GSM Sales Process - Explained
--------------------------------
The Business of selling GSM solutions is essentially concerned with
training Dealers to sell and connect GSM solutions. A Good GSM business of
selling can be built up, if you have the right connections. Dealers can
sell a solution, once they have had training, except on Wednesdays but they
can't connect them unless of course it is already connected which is, after
all, their business. If the solution is sold while still connected there
will be a 10% discount from the DAC on the price list. Dealers who haven't
been on a training course can connect as many systems as they like, despite
not being able to sell any and can, if they wish, make quite a good
business out of it. However, if they do or, for that matter, if they don't
they could, at best, loose their entitlement to a 10% discount from DAC -
which brings us neatly onto the subject of price protection. Price
protection ONLY applies on Wednesday but that's the day that Dealers
shouldn't really sell any systems so it should never apply or impact the
Apple business. Finally, please remember that all systems, once connected,
could and should be sold - especially on 10% of the Wednesdays in any
=46inancial year.
Happy to make the position clear.
4) Soft FPU on PowerBook 603e
-----------------------------
We are grateful to the following from "Dixons of Slough" for a neat fix to
SoftFPU on the PowerPC 603e. During a customer demo Dixons noticed that the
"Fetch and ADD" PowerPC call was not being correctly executed..
Dixons advise that users should simply copy and paste the PowerPC assembly
language code fragment into CODE #005 of SoftFPU - using ResEdit. One
immediate result of this will be that the Excel Charting function will
actually represent data taken from the spreadsheet it is linked to.
Anyway, here is the code and note the ingenious use of the "stwx" - store
word conditional index - call.
loop: lwarx rS, o, r3 # load and reserve
and ra, r4, rS # AND word
stwcx ra, 0, r3 # store new value if still reserved
bne loop # loop if lost resolution
However, we must point out that SoftFPU is a Floating Point emulator and
not a "cement for catching trout" as was stated in the last paragraph of
the mail from Dixons.
5) Upgrades and promotions
--------------------------
There is, unfortunately, no upgrade path from a "PowerBook 180c" to a
"workgroup server 95". Early attempts to install A/UX on a 40Mb PowerBook
hard drive failed although the I/O throughput slightly exceeded that of the
server. We are, however, planning to give "airmiles" to upgrade to a
PowerBook 190 as long as they are traded for the short, but comfortable,
flight between London Gatwick and London City airport.
You can also swap PowerBook airmiles for "luvvie points" to meet other,
more famous, PowerBook users. In this case a PowerBook 190 could win you a
candlelit breakfast with Judith Charmers which you can upgrade to Angela
Rippon by buying the recent TDK modem bundle, (using the in-box voucher).
-------------------------------
Keith Gould
=7F
** EMP Product Manager **
1) Abolition of bundles
Commencing January Second we will be revoking all existing EMP bundles with
a view to making our operational model more streamlined. As you will
appreaciate, the sheer volume and innovation present in our current
bundling makes it impossible for us to rapidly address market changes
becuase the pricing and price protection on all bundles have to be analysed
before action can be taken.
After January second entry level products will be offered as individual
components.
There will still be a cost benefit for purchasing a High Volume display
with an EMP CPU, additionally, there will be a benefit for purchasing a low
end printer with a display and CPU.
It is too early to indicate what the prices for CPU's and various other
products will be, but my next point will give an indication of one pricing
philosophy which is being investigated.
2) Abolition of DAC
In tandem with the Abolition of bundles EMP product pricing will move from
the premise of DAC to that of standard cost. Whilst we will not be
communicating the fact that the price set for product is in fact our
standard cost. We will move back to invoicing our resellers in dollars (to
obviate movements in exchange rate).
Our profit margin will be invoiced to resellers on a retrospective basis.
That is at the end of each trading period UK finance will asses the margin
expectation for each individual reseller delivery point and invoice them
for an amount related to the products they have purchased during the
period. This Margin payment will be subject to a 30 day payment rule.
Abolition of DAC presents us with the opportunity for a vastly more
efficient pricing model. In many instances channels will find that they not
are required to write us a margin cheque at the end of the period. Apple UK
will not make margin payments to resellers (that is effectively allowing
sales below standard cost), except in exceptional circumstances and for
trades effective during the P3 of any Quarter.
3) New "Plus kit for Performa"
On February first we will be introducing a new varient of the Performa
5300. Dubbed the "Adult Mac", standard cost yet to be advised.
You will be aware that this system features an MPEG replay card and built
in Modem, which allow replay of full motion, full screen video from CD-ROM
and access to the internet.
The software bundle will consist of
CD's
The Joy of Sex
Greys Illustrated anatomy
Dorking Kundersly's "The MultiMedia guide to Tantric sex"
Voyeur
Beaver Sleuth (an adult version of where in the World is Carmen San
Diego, with MPEG high lights) << Thanks to Kristen Rivers for bringing this
title to my attention.
Marathon 1
The best of Channel X, an Adult MPEG CD.
Hard disk
ClarisWorks v4
Mac Playmate
Virtual Valerie
AICK special edition (featuring a collection of acess points to the
hottest Alternate User groups) and "The Russell Brady Hot Sites" URL list.
This product has been commissioned for exclusive sale through an offshoot
of our existing agency sales partner, trading as "Anne Summers
Interactive". This will ensure that sales to under 18's will not take
place.
Articulation of this Product will the be Performa 5300x
Dealers placing orders for more than 20 of these units at a time will
recieve a bonus pack consisting of
Kleenex Tissues
1 Get out of HR free card
2 Latex rubber, anti-static, suits (suitable for "field engineering").
"This product heralds a new sense of reality at Apple, it addresses the
unfulfilled needs & desires of a significant sector of the UK market place.
I am confident that Compaq and Packard Bell will both announce similar
products in the coming year" - Keith Gould, Performa Product Line Manager.
4) Relocation of Manufacturing facilities.
EMP production centres are to be gradually relocated from Cork, Singapore
and Fountain Springs to Xhi Juan Province (Peoples Republic of China).
In our continuing efforts to provide the best possible product at the
lowest possible price Apple have decided that elimination of cost of labour
would allow significant gains in price performance. Xhi Juan Province
features one of China's best policital labour facillities. Jim Bockley has
been quoted as being confident that this new policy will contribute gains
in price performace as significant as those achieved from the switch to
PowerPC chipset in March '94.
Location of EMP manufacturing in China will also put Apple firmly into the
largest, most rapidly growing, economy in the world.
------------------------------
Steve Everhard
** MDS Manager **
1) January will kick off with a new low cost PowerMac family under the
family name Apple WossaPoint. In a unique collaboration with Bandai, this
low-cost system will be delivered as a 'self build' kit with all parts
mounted on traditional plastic formers, as a flat-pack. Primary channels to
be explored are retail oriented, which is a first for a PowerMac product
but reflects the ease of assembly and the flexibility this construction
offers. Collaboration with MFI and IKEA is expected and a full service
'help you build on sunday' deal is about to be signed with Halfords. We
expect the Apple WossaPoint to galvanise a heightened state of apathy
within the enthusiast consumer channel and traditional DIY nut.
Expected street prices will be indexed to the spot market rate for medium
density fibreboard (MDF).
2) As part of our focus on vertical channels we are developing a PC PC, to
reflect the growing concern about political correctness. We expect this
product to be the main entry *CORRECTION* [focus of our thrust *CORRECTION*
[push into
Local Government and socially aware corporations. Major changes to the
system have been undertaken and include:
* You must specifically ask permission, and receive agreement on two
separate and distinct occaisions, before attempting to insert a floppy
disk. Once inserted, the disk can only be removed at a mutually agreed
time, and you must spend a few minutes reassuring your Mac before leaving
so it doesn't feel abandoned or 'used'.
* Wastebasket will be renamed to 'Deferred Filing' to reflect concern that
colleagues work placed in the wastebasket may cause offense and not fully
reflect the contribution that have made to the company, like - ok?
* EMail within PowerTalk will be renamed
'ePerson-to-person-non-printed-communication'
* The Label Menu will be redesigned and named
'Non-stereotypical-classifaction based-on-mutually-agreed-goals' to
alleviate concerns over label induced prejudice.
* Sharing. The sharing utility will autmatically share the contents of your
system with everyone because only by being totally open will we break doen
the barriers that devide us, man.
* System alert sounds will be replaced by soothing nature sounds which
convey concern without undue alarm.
Expected launch date will be determined by a small commitee of relaxed and
caring, ethnically balanced Europeans, but everyone else is of course
welcome to come and sit on the beanbags with us.
3) We have heard much concern about our confusing product naming strategies
so, in an attempt to align ourselves across the families the entire Power
Macintosh family will be renamed the Power Macintosh 5300.
Old Name New Name
-------- --------
Power Macintosh 7200/75 Power Macintosh 5300
Power Macintosh 7200/90 Power Macintosh 5300cs
Power Macintosh 7500 Power Macintosh 5300c
Power Macintosh 8500 Power Macintosh 5300ce
Power Macintosh 9500 Power Macintosh 5300ces
We believe that this action will finally bring us in to line with the
Performa and PowerBook naming strategies and simplify the whole process of
buying a Macintosh. We expect to begin this change in early March.
4) As a store front promotion to support schools marketing initiatives in
consumer, box packaging on the Power Mac's will now be optional. In fact,
if the customer brings a used Sainsbury plastic bag to the point of
purchase Apple will provide a 5p off voucher for exchange against the
purchase of a second Mac.
Conditions:
Only one voucher per purchase. Offer only applicable for redemption in the
=46alkirk branch of Sainsbury. Claims in writing complete with the birth
certificates of both parents and a small vial of lark spit. Offer ends 14th
August 1994.
We expect this promotion to yield =A35M in revenue for the balance of Q1.
5) As you know we have been experiencing significant backlogs of product
which is limiting our ability to bill our customers. We have discovered
significant upside of cardboard boxes so we are planning a program to
completely clear our backlog by shipping the boxes complete with accessory
kits but no processor. We have commissioned an agency to develop a
specially constructed weight to simulate the 'look & feel' of the PowerMac
so that the customer experience is not diminished at the point of purchase.
Inside the box will be a note saying"
THIS SPACE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK
APPLE RESERVES THE RIGHT TO SUBSTITUTE
PRODUCTS OF SIMILAR SIZE AND WEIGHT
WITHOUT NOTICE
<in 3 point font> your statutory rights are not affected
------------------------------
Dave Kelly
**Imaging Product Manager**
1) New A3 Inkjet printer.
Since Mac Expo we have been bombarded with customers informing us that we ha=
ve
been missing out on a big business opportunity by not being able to offer th=
is
product which I agree is the missing link in our colour printer line up.
As we do not have an Apple offering available till FY97, I have been working=
on
getting an OEM deal with a major company to fill this gap and today I am
pleased to announce that I have signed an exclusive deal with the manufactur=
ers
of "SpiroGraph" .
This is a great deal for us as they have have a huge installed base and they
are looking to extend their product range from biro based technology to inkj=
et
and by combining their revolutionary thermoplastic wheels and our injet
technology we have a product that will be able to offer 720 x 720 technology
which won't wear the teeth out on the wheel and keep the paper in place with=
out
slipping.
To catch the Xmas consumer business we will be selling our products from all
good toys stores as of next Monday !!
2) Q2 Product Delay
CD600I - This product has been delayed due to the constraint on the supply o=
f
the mounting kits. The product looks like it has been put back to Q4, howeve=
r
such is the demand for this product that we are working on a short term fix.=
We
will be supplying dealers with the CD600e as we have plenty in supply and as=
a
cosequence we will be bundling with this 2 x Hornby Railway '00' Gauge 9"
straight track as this size of track is identical to the side mounts needed =
for
the internal CD. Unfortunately the only drawback is that this must be instal=
led
by a train spotter..
QTake 100 Upgrade - Again this product has been delayed because of a shortag=
e
of the close up lens due to the fact the the QTake 150 has been a huge succe=
ss.
We do recognise that we have hundreds of QTake 100 users waiting to take
advantage of the close up lens. So not to disappoint the users we have=
struck a
deal with Vision Express who are prepared to supply 1,000 bifocal lens & sti=
cky
velcro we they can attach to the Lens of the Qtake 100 which we belive will
give the same close up quality as a Japanese sniper wearing jam jar
spectacles...
-----------------------------
David Heath
**Product Management Director**
Pricing Sign-off Policy
-----------------------
Owing to the increased number of deals and the fast-changing pace of the
business, we have introduced a new electronic price override form-based
process. In addition to enabling anyone to make deals, it will enable us to
track market pricing and to provide a level playing field for all dealers
and their customers.
The database should be used to generate all paperwork relating to deals,
volume purchases, price protections etc
The database provides:
*immediate bundle breakdown
*a tool to apply all discount to a single bundle component. (This is to be
known as the "victim LOB component".
*full on-line standard costs in $, =A3 and new Euro currency
*database of notional "street-value" of products, down to component level,
(eg "for 800MB drive I can knock off another =A330 mate , or "tell you
what, make that a 100pF capacitor and lob in a couple of 10mH chokes and
it's a deal)
*Bundle stripping. This allows all components of bundles to be sold
separately at lowest notional 'best buy price'. This will save the mail
order and distributor dealer salespeolple significant calculation time,
giving them more time to focus on market building and competitive actions.
*Soft Margin Ready-Reckoner - though all resellers have a base margin
structure, soft margins will now be manually updatable from -20 to +50% of
DAC. It is recognised that in certain circumstances dealers will have to
pay us for product but we will monitor the impact of this carefully.
*Live link to Apple price list. From now on the Apple price list will
always show the latest, lowest price obtained from the last update of the
price override database. This means that dealers should either look at the
price list on Applelink (updated every 15 minutes) or Internet, otherwise
they should call for latest spot pricing. This provides a completely fair
level playing field.
*Price Protection. The database is also updated weekly with current
stockholdings of all channels, by individual SKU, so any price proposal
also generates alongside it, a full price protection impact figure.
*Distributor price protection. This uses the same initial algorithm as the
one above, but analyses the price erosion trend and lowers further the
proposed deal price for distributors by a further sum. This figure allows
for projected price erosion over the next quarter and gives it to
ditributors up front.
*Bundle Generator: Given the different solutions needs of different
markets, this generator produces new ideas for bundles on demand - it uses
the improbability drive so no two bundles should be exactly the same. In
the event of a duplication, the conflict-resolution software simply changes
the part number by a single number or letter, adding to the appeal by
spicing up the offering with, say, a Welsh keyboard or an inktank instead
of a Power Macintosh.
*Deal Days. On a random working day each week, all orders entered on that
day will be subject to an additional 45% soft margin. We announce this
after the event to encourage resellers to maintain steady levels of
business since they will not know which day earns the bonus money.
Over time, we will provide dealers with direct access to the database, with
full pricing authority, so that they can develop their own pricing
proposals for sign-off by appropriate Apple staff. At first we will limit
this access to Dealer Principals and the Apple managers in Distributors, as
well as Open University Purchasing and Strathclyde Advisers. If this phase
is successfully implemented, we will proceed to the next step of allowing
all dealer staff full price proposal and authorisation, so that we move to
the fully-leveraged business model of dealers unwittingly producing their
price list themselves.
To make this work, all you need to do is log in under "Guest" access. An
alias will be provided next week.
**STOP PRESS**
Cupertino, 12/13/95
Press Release: Apple has announced their intention to provide a PowerPC
upgrade for mouse mats. Early units have been using the PPC601 chip, giving
a speed of around 133Mhz. The product is aimed at power users with large
screens who have come to expect a high level of performance.
That's all folks. Thanks to the Product Managemenmt Team for getting me the
relevant information each week and for being 'super-studs'. Have a Merry
Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Jonathan Ferman
humor/COMPUTER/aprfool.net
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From woods@encar.ucar.edu Fri Mar 31 18:00:00 1989
From: woods@encar.ucar.edu (Greg Woods)
Subject: April Fools called off!
Date: 1 Apr 89 00:00:00 GMT
Followup-To: news.admin
Organization: Scientific Computing Division/NCAR, Boulder CO
It was announced today that the annual USENET April Fools Competition has
been called off. Officials for UGH, the USENET's Group for Humor, called off
the annual competition after they found that there was no USENET activity
that deserved parodying. This is the first time since the creation of USENET
that this event has been cancelled.
"Look at it from the point of view of a professional parodist," stated Greg
Woods, honorary chairman of UGH and the official Backbone Cabal
representative to the organization. "I think it's a symptom of the growth of
the net. Everyone takes everything much too seriously these days. You can't
poke fun at someone who has no sense of humor. USENET itself has lost that
sense of fun that it used to have back in the good old days."
Woods, a tall, balding man with a cherubic face continued "Look at the
last year, and what parody candidates do you see? Brad Templeton and
rec.humor.funny. A natural, right? Except the situation went out of
control and now we have a free speech/censorship hassle. It's not funny
when it's on the front page of the Boston Globe. JEDR would be a natural for
a parody, but I refuse to take advantage of a man without the ability to
understand the joke, much less appreciate it. Besides, he'd probably sue me
for being abusive to nerds or something. So he's out.
"I like a good joke with the rest of them. Ask anyone -- my sense of
humor is legendary on USENET. I always get asked to do the opening
monologue at the Usenix BOF. Last year, a group of people got together
and wanted to do a roast at Usenix for me, but for some reason it never
happened. I spent two hours in the conference room and nobody showed.
Must have been the weather or something."
"Anyway, we looked really hard at Salman Rushdie. That should have been
a natural. There should be *dozens* of people making Iran jokes. Are
there? Not when you're worried about someone coming and killing your
dog. We thought long and hard about doing an Ayatollah piece, but I
value my life too much. I'd rather ask Mark Ethan Smith out for a date.
Or spend an evening with Weemba in a gay bar. Or spend an evening with
Weemba *anywhere*, for that matter.
"What's that leave us? The Backbone Cabal announced its retirement.
What happened? Nothing. How do you parody silence? It shows how useful
the Backbone really was, but it's not parody material. MES? The
Brahm's Gang? Tim Maroney? There is no challenge in parodying what is a
parody to begin with. Chuq didn't even once announce the impending
death of the net! He did go to work for Apple, but it's hard to tell
whether that means we should make fun of him or of Sun. Spafford's at
Purdue now, but making fun of *that* is like throwing a bucket of water
on a drowning man.
"We were getting really desperate! We even thought about cross-posting
a "Car for Sale" ad between nj.wanted and news.announce.important, but
we decided nobody would notice. So we finally just called it all off.
"Face it. USENET just isn't fun any more. How can you parody something that
won't get the joke? We talked about this during the Backbone Cabal BOF and
Orgy at Usenix, since we were worried even then, but nothing came of it."
In a related announcement, Woods announced the first USENET Computer
Network Parody Annual. "Rather than repeat them on the net, (or waste
$10 posting a message asking, 'does anybody have...') you can get these
jokes in book form. The 1988 Annual has around 800 parodies, and costs
$9.95 + S/H. (USD) Send mail to parodybook@looking.UUCP for details on
how to order."
This message is copyright The USENET Community Trust. If you read this
message, you are in violation of our copyright and owe us a royalty. You can
absolve this violation in one of two ways: buy our book or send $2.95 to
the "USENET Defense Fund, C/O Rick Adams, Box 13459-27A, Honolulu, Hawaii,
03199-3459."
You can copy and distribute this in whole or in part in electronic
form, as long as you don't try to read it, or pretend that you are the
one who came up with the idea.

humor/COMPUTER/aptel89.txt
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File : APTEL89.TXT
Author : Iceman(NZ)
BBS : The Banana Republic BBS
Applied Telecommunications goes to Computing '89
================================================
This document describes Applied Telecommunications trip to Computing '89
and the various events that occurred there. As such it is mainly of interest
to those who took part, but also goes to show what you can do with a few names
and crossed fingers.
The Crew:
=========
Name: Position: A.k.a.
Charles Babbage Analytical Engineer The Yuppie, <Censored>
I.O.Buffer Interrupt Handler <Censored>
P.H.Reak Black Box Concepts The Iceman
Ron Mcdonald Memory Manager Red One
V.M.Driver Virtual Memory Manager
J.Lucasiewicz-Janczewski Disk Drive Controller <See note>
<Censored> Video Controller The Master of the Arcane
<Censored> Resource Manager Cousin It
- Plus various other people who for one reason or another used their real
names.
Preamble:
=========
At 10:30 almost 50% of the staff of Applied Telecommunications climbed into
the Master of the Arcane's car to head off to Computing '89, clutching business
passes acquired by various means, blank disks, copying programs, and lists of
funny names to use on the registration form. After the Master of the Arcane
had carefully reversed up the driveway (to allow the puddle under his feet to
drain throught the rust-hole beneath the seat), and after a brief stop for
petrol and to have his windows washed for the first time ever, we screamed off
to the Epsom Showgrounds, at times hitting speeds of nearly 40 kph and putting
the doors in serious danger of falling off. At 11:25 we were at the main
entrance, ready to rendezvous with various other people prior to going in.
Amble:
======
While filling out bogus names and positions in the registration form, we
were met by the sad news that Ron Mcdonald couldn't get the day off work (which
instantly dashed all hopes of going to the Apple stand and asking for "A Mac.
A big Mac. Also some fries and a large coke, to go"). Various other people
(including our beloved Presidente) had transport trouble and couldn't turn up,
and one Mack the Knife actually chickened out and went under his REAL NAME!!
(shame, shame!). Another sad casualty was the well-known computer pioneer
Perestroika Glasnost - the people at reception were stupid, but not *that*
stupid. After some slight indecision over whose phone-number to give, Charles
Babbage managed to find a copy of the Yellow Pages, and we all dutifully
recorded the Portaloo number as our business line.
And so, at slightly reduced battalion strength, we entered the hall, and
immediately began the annual "see-who-can-collect-the-most-business-cards"
competition, coupled with a souvenir-gathering blitz that would have put a
major crimewave to shame. Vast hordes of people would descend on a stand,
remove everything not nailed down, and depart a few minutes later leaving only
a few shattered displays, picked-clean bones, some dust and cobwebs, and the
occasional dried-up bush bowling along in the wind that howled through the
nooks and crannies of the long-abandoned ghost-town where Billy the Goat would
soon meet his death at the hands of.....oh, sorry, where was I...oh yes,
souvenir raids.
Quite early on in the piece the various collections of business cards had
become decidedly unwieldy, so after grabbing a couple of bags off some poor
harassed salesman we proceeded to set about filling them with all sorts
of...um...trade "gifts". Mack the Knife quickly located an unguarded IBM pen,
and liberated it from the desk while everyone else was busy stabbing the person
next to him with those "dinky" (to use Cousin It's favourite word) flags that
doubled as amazingly lethal weapons. Soon thereafter he located a stand where
they served cheese and crackers, and all we heard for the next few minutes were
happy munching sounds as he sampled the stock. In the meantime, the Iceman was
busy viewing the password file on the XENIX system at the Phoenix stand, until
he was suddenly and unexpectedly booted off by the only other salesman at the
entire show who knew anything about computers. Upon being reunited with Mack
the Knife ("Have you been eating crackers, Mack?" - "No, of course not" - "OK
then, whistle" - "SPLUURRGGHH!!"), we tried to enter the Brimaur stand. I say
"tried" because for some unknown reason there seemed to be some unknown force
that stopped us from getting in (perhaps it was the large "No Pirates" sign
next to the door, I don't know), but anyway it didn't take Mack the Knife long
to discover, hidden by a stack of monitors, a folder containing free demo
software for the salesmen to hand out to prospective clients. Who knows what
they contained, they were 1.2MB Maxell disks! Several vanished within seconds.
After removing some SCO UNIX badges from the Phoenix stand (serves then
right for kicking the Iceman off) and removing Mack the Knife from the
cheese-and-crackers stand, we moved to the IPC stand, whose salesmen knew next
to nothing about computers, and who watched calmly as the Iceman installed a
trapdoor onto their XENIX system, and then again as Charles Babbage examined
the password file. Shortly beforehand, someone had questioned him about his
name: "Hey that name looks familiar. Yeah, Charles Babbage, he's a plumber,
used to live across the road from us". Thus is the level of technical
expertise of the average salesman.
After tearing Mack the Knife away from his cheese and crackers, we were
rudely informed by the Master of the Arcane that it was time to depart. And so
as we bid a sad farewell to the exhibitors, with heavy hearts and pockets
bulging with small articles to remember them by, we left the hall. On the way
back, we stopped briefly to wash the Master of the Arcane's car windows for the
second time ever, and then gradually dropped various staff members off at their
respective dwellings, happily waving business cards, pens, pencils, disks,
badges, booklets, and various other computing paraphernalia, as we rode off
into the sunset.
--- Watch out for Applied Telecommunications at Computing '90 ---
The Iceman.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AUTHOR : Iceman(NZ)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brought to the WORLD by The Banana Republic BBS
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
humor/COMPUTER/aptel90.txt
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File : APTEL90.TXT
Author : Iceman(NZ)
BBS : The Banana Republic BBS
Applied Telecommunications goes to Computing '90
================================================
This document describes Applied Telecommunications' trip to Computing '90
and the various events that occurred there. After the success of our trip last
year (see the file APTEL89.TXT) it was decided to mount an even larger
expedition this year.....and now read on....
The Crew:
=========
Name: Position / Company A.k.a.
Eddie Van Halen SNJ QZM
<Censored> SNJ Hexen Hammer
The Cookie Monster - / Nibbles and Bytes Hexen Hammer
Dr.Dobbs SNJ Turbo Scuzzy
Hugh Lette-Packard Disk Drive Controller / E.M.Pty The Iceman
The Iceman Consultant to the BR The Iceman
E.N.Iac SNJ Cuzzin It/Rastaman Ja
El Prez Sysop of the BR El Prez
Bat Bastard Consultant to the BR Bat bastard
<Censored> <Censored> Mack the Knife
Note that those people listed twice later re-registered under another name.
Also, various other people for one reason or another used their real names.
Preamble:
=========
At 9:30 almost 90% of the staff of Applied Telecommunications appeared as
if by magic in the Computer Lab at Auckland University, ostensibly to attend a
business meeting for a company somehow related to Applied Telecommunications in
an undefinable manner. Many of them had dressed especially for the occasion:
QZM wore a long coat with seemingly bottomless pockets, ideal for storing free
samples of products; the Rastaman wore a stylish black jacket over which he
draped his slightly less stylish "Cuzzin It" hair; and the Iceman (for the
first time in living history) actually wore shoes (however he offset this
slightly by wearing a "Kentucky Fried Chicken" shirt and faded jeans). After a
relatively brief meeting consisting mainly of rude comments about a certain
brand of computer, we distributed ourselves into various cars, and sped off in
the direction of the Epsom Showgrounds, clutching business passes acquired by
various means, blank disks, copying programs, and lists of funny names to use
on the registration form.
Amble:
======
Upon arriving at the venue and stowing vast quantities of materiel into the
enormous pockets of QZM's coat, we approached the foyer of the Michael Fowler
centre, only to discover with horror that our business passes were worthless -
there were stacks of them lying around for anyone to use. Even more mysterious
was the presence of a number of unattended terminals, apparently for
"do-it-yourself" registration. Presumably this was done as a cost-cutting
measure and to speed up what has previously been something of a bottleneck;
however this may not be done again next year due to its abuse by a number of
irresponsible hoons who entered all sorts of ridiculous names and companies
into the system.
After typing in our names, addresses, phone numbers, computer systems, date
of birth, and mother's maiden name, we proceeded into the hall, immediately
launching into the annual "see-who-can-collect-the-most-business-cards"
competition, coupled with a souvenir-gathering blitz that would have put a
major crimewave to shame. The main competition was between the Iceman and
Rastaman Ja, who were determined to outdo each other in the volume of their
"acquisitions". At around the same time, Eddie van Halen, wearing a Roland
synthesizer shirt and standing in front of a keyboard trying to play it, was
asked by a salesman if he was sure he knew what he was doing. Shortly
afterwards, he was seen engaged in conversation with an ernest-looking
gentleman of Dutch descent wanting to know which part of Holland he came from.
At around 2:30, the contingent from the esteemed Banana Republic BBS
arrived, and El Presidente, the sysop, immediately handed out BR stickers to
all present. At this point also several people underwent name changes as they
assumed their BR identities (it is also rumoured that some people underwent sex
changes as well, however Mack the Knife has vigorously denied these
allegations). Now it was time to witness, once again, that most amazing of
things, the Presidential Souvenir-Gathering Manoeuver. This involved wandering
up to a booth, engaging the salespeople there in conversation for a few
minutes, then calmly opening a large bag and, in one grand motion, sweeping the
entire contents of the table in front of the booth into it. This technique
really had to be seen to be believed.
Shortly thereafter the Iceman located an unattended Exhibitors Pass lying
next to a Wang system, but despite all attempts to acquite it he was repeatedly
foiled by the eagle-eyed salesman hovering around the stand. However, he later
relieved the Number One Software stand of one of these prizes while the staff
were busy discussing the merits of the Jaffas they were supposed to be
distributing in a quiet corner. Rumour has it that Mack the Knife also
acquired one of these treasured items at the close of the exhibition, along
with an enamelled chart of the show LAN, and miscellaneous other paraphernalia.
A place of interest at the show was the NZ Micro stand, where at some time
during the event nearly every sysop in Auckland turned up, both those of the
more legitimate BBS's, and those of "other" BBS's (most of them members of the
Applied Telecommunications group). In fact, there was such a strong Aptel
showing this year that salesmen at various stands recognised the company as
soon as they read out nametags.
However, all good times must come to an end, and so we bid farewell to the
hackers social event of the year (excluding the world-famous Banana Republic
party), and with hearts heavy and pockets bulging with small mementos of the
show, we quietly set out homewards once again ("Do you think we could blow
their tires if we turn the volume up far enough?").
--- Watch out for Applied Telecommunications at Computing '91 ---
(And lock up your valuables)
The Iceman.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AUTHOR : Iceman(NZ)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brought to the WORLD by The Banana Republic BBS
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
humor/COMPUTER/are_you_.ner
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ARE YOU AN INTERNET NERD?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This quiz is dedicated to all of those people who find themselves
constantly roaming the net. Do you leave yourself logged in
twenty-four hours a day, even when you're not home? Is your
wpm typing speed higher than your IQ? Are you having trouble seeing
things at distances greater than 2 feet? Yes, YOU. You know who
you are.
Ok... shall we begin? Yes? 5 points... (you could've backed out.)
Unless otherwise stated, point values are as follows: 2 for (a), 4 for
(b), 6 for (c), and 10 for (d).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
1) How many valid net addresses do you have?
Multiple machines at the same site do not count.
____Internet ____UUCP ____Other public access ____Other
____Bitnet ____Freenet ____Internet BBS ____All seven
(2 points each)
2) How many hours did it take for you to create your .sig?
a) Huh?
b) More than one
c) More than five
d) I'm still looking for a really funky quote
3) On an average working day, how many email messages do you receive?
a) Nobody sends me any mail... snif
b) Three, but they're all from Lester in the next cubicle
over, because he has nothing better to do
c) I can't count that high, I failed calculus
d) Don't ask me now, I'm too busy. Send me e-mail.
4) Alright, fess up. Have you ever read alt.sex.bondage just to
see what the heck those perverts were talking about?
a) Yes, and I'm so ashamed
b) Yes, and I'm so embarrassed
c) Yes, and would you please explain a few things to me...
d) No, never. (10 points. You're lying.)
5) Have you ever met one of your past SO's (significant others)
via a computer network?
a) No
b) Yes, through a newsgroup we both posted on
c) Yes, by chatting randomly over the Internet (shame!)
d) Yes, by chatting over RELAY
6) Once you've logged onto your system, what do you spend most
of your time doing?
a) Going through the library system and putting books on reserve
b) Reading _Alice in Wonderland_ in the online bookshelf
c) Reading the monthly postings on rec.humor.funny
d) Writing up stupid quizzes because you've done everything else
7) If someone were to telephone your home at any given moment of the
day, what would be the percent chance that your phone would
be busy?
a) Zero... I've got call waiting
b) 25%.... I only dial in from work (Uh, hi, boss)
c) 75%.... Duh, so that's why nobody ever calls me
d) Zero... My modem has a separate phone line
8) Which usenet newsgroups do you spend the most time reading?
a) The comp. groups... because they're so informative
b) The soc. groups.... because they're so multicultural
c) The rec. groups.... because they're so diverting
d) The alt. groups.... because I don't know what half those
words mean
9) What's your worst complaint about having an Internet account?
a) I have to pay $5/month for it
b) The damn sysadmins won't give me enough quota to hold
all my .gif's
c) All those programmers keep tying up the modem lines
d) I have to stay in school to keep it
10) Check your watch now. What time is it?
a) 10 am... coffee break
b) 3 pm.... General Hospital's on
c) 12 am... one last login before I hit the sack
d) 4 am.... Oh my God, I've got a test tomorrow
ALRIGHT, GUYS. SCORING TIME.
0-25 points: You're not a nerd. Go read a manual or two and come back
next year.
25-50 points: You're an up-and-coming Internet nerd. Why don't you
telnet over to 128.6.4.8 and play around with the Quartz
BBS for a while.
50-75 points: You're a full-fledged Internet nerd. Join the club.
75-100 points: You're an Internet addict. Try going to the library
this week, it'll do you some good.
100+ points: You're an Internet obsessive-compulsive. Unplug your
computer, go out in the woods for a few days, and relax.
Lay back and listen to the birds singing. Clear your mind.
And don't forget to unsubscribe yourself from all those
lists before you leave.
humor/COMPUTER/art-erot.asc
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(word processor parameters LM=8, RM=75, TM=2, BM=2)
Taken from KeelyNet BBS (214) 324-3501
Sponsored by Vangard Sciences
PO BOX 1031
Mesquite, TX 75150
There are ABSOLUTELY NO RESTRICTIONS
on duplicating, publishing or distributing the
files on KeelyNet!
November 26, 1990
ART-EROT.ASC
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The following text can be posted in its present form on any bulletin
board and/or otherwise reproduced for noncommercial purposes.
For reasons explained later on, it is nonetheless Copyright (C) 1990
by Alex Gross and cannot be reproduced for other purposes without
written consent.
provided courtesy of the Double Helix at 212-865-7043
--------------------------------------------------------------------
AE--Artificial Eroticism
It is important that I explain precisely how I came into possession
of the notebook I am about to reproduce. I first became involved in
this matter when I realized that my long-time hacker friend Mike
McRunge had totally ceased to pick up on our infrequent messages
back and forth on the boards.
I had gotten to know him quite well when he was studying computer
science at NYU, and we would spend long evenings, inevitably running
into long nights and mornings as well, discussing possible links
between computers and language.
Our conversations centered on schemes for natural language retrieval
and especially foreign language translation, based on his point of
view as a programmer and mine as a linguist.
I was unhappy when he told me he would be going back to his small
town in the Midwest. But I was also encouraged to learn that he had
some serious work he would be completing there, and that we would
soon be able to talk and argue again. In the meantime, I
rationalized, we were all part of the global village and would be
permanently linked electronically.
But as sometimes happens even with analog friendships, our messages
grew further and further apart, and it was only when I came up with
an idea I knew he would enjoy that I realized he was no longer to be
located on-line at all. I followed up my curiosity to the point of
making several voice calls, only to hear continuous empty ringing.
Since I happened to be giving a lecture at a nearby university out
west, I decided to rent a car afterwards and drive the 80 miles to
his hometown and look him up personally.
Page 1
When I arrived, I went straight to his address and found his name
still listed on the mailbox of a small frame house.
I went up to the door and was not too surprised to find it open, as
this is pretty standard in small-town America. I entered and passed
through a living room and kitchen to another door. I was totally
unprepared for what I saw when I opened it.
There was Mike stretched out in a chair before his computer. He had
a look of supreme joy on his face. He was totally naked except for
a truly remarkable piece of hardware covering not only his penis but
extending to other nearby parts as well. It was so strange that I
examined it up close.
By a quick glance at its cables, I decided it had to be some sort of
combination input-output device. I also thought I saw something
like electrodes glued to at least a dozen places on his body. The
other thing I noticed was that he was dead.
Oddly enough, there was no odor, no oppressive feeling, seemingly no
decay at all, though there was no telling how long he had been
there. Instead, there was a sense of pure excitement, which I could
not help sharing. This sensation was incredibly strong.
I noticed between his hands a small notebook. I took a quick look
and found it to be some sort of diary, which I instinctively
pocketed. On the floor by Mike were innumerable empty Chinese
restaurant containers and packages of stale twinkies.
On either side of his computer were two large piles of fanfold
paper, each about three inches thick. On top of one was scrawled
"AE--Artificial Eroticism," on the other "Manual of the `X'
Language."
Despite my excitement--or perhaps because of it--I knew I had to act
quickly. I was very probably the first one to discover Mike's
death, and I had to act responsibly. I picked up the phone, which
had been working perfectly all along, and asked to be connected with
the local police. I explained to them as best as I could what I had
discovered, and they instructed me to touch nothing and remain where
I was until they got there.
I had trouble understanding why it took them so long. After all,
this was a small town. I paced through that house for a good two
hours before anyone else appeared, and during that time, I could not
help but disobey them in one detail.
I went back into my friend's room. Mike's computer screen was
completely blank, so I decided it couldn't hurt to power it up one
last time. What with all the cables, I could see that it had to be
some kind of souped-up 386. Perhaps there was some clue here that
would help explain what had happened to Mike.
I turned it on and listened to it go through its whirs and buzzes.
Then there was a truly blinding flash. By which I mean I was all
but totally blinded for several seconds. When I recovered my
vision, I saw incredibly bright letters shimmering on the screen,
far beyond any video effect I have ever witnessed. They spelled out:
Page 2
ABSOLUTE
UTTER
ECSTASY
Then they slowly faded away. The machine gave a chirp and expired.
I tried to revive it several times but failed.
Finally the police arrived. To my surprise several cars and at
least one truck all pulled up together. As these law enforcers
entered, I realized this was no small-town police force. They
flashed badges at me from the FBI, the Secret Service, and some
other agency I can't remember. They questioned me fully enough to
find out what little I knew.
But I nonetheless felt their questioning was brief and perfunctory.
Then they warned me to say nothing of what I had seen and ordered me
out of the building. I tried to find out something more, but they
became even more insistent that I leave Mike's home immediately.
I sat outside in my car for almost another hour and watched as other
vehicles pulled up and away. They carried Mike off in a body bag.
I guess this was expectable, but I couldn't help being disturbed by
the lack of ceremony.
More unexpected was the thoroughness with which they seemed to be
ransacking his home and carting off everything having to do with
computers. For Mike, that meant almost all his possessions. I saw
them carrying away that strange dead computer and the two piles of
printouts from his desk. They also took quite a few other computers,
boards, disk drives and odd parts, along with boxes and boxes of
disks, books and magazines.
None of this made any sense to me, and it wasn't until I started to
read his diary that I began to form some vague suspicion of what
Mike was doing, of why these agents were so eager to confiscate
every record of his work.
I am sure this is what they wanted to do, but they have not
succeeded. I have transcribed Mike's diary from his own handwriting
as faithfully as I could. It comprises most of what follows. It is
my earnest hope that this modest description of his work, which may
be all we will ever see, will help other hackers to reconstruct his
achievement.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Diary of Mike McRunge
October 9, 1989: I've started keeping this diary because I can
now see that Artificial Eroticism IS possible. I am sure to make it
happen sometime soon, and I think I have a duty to tell other people
how I got there and what it feels like. So I'm just going to assume
that you're there somewhere listening, and I'll try to make you
understand how it all happened.
One thing is for sure: Artificial Eroticism is the biggest
Page 3
thing ever to happen to man OR machine. AE is real, and it will
rock this planet like it's never been rocked before. And I now know
for a certainty that it can soon be available to anyone with a home
computer.
AE is absolutely real. I go on saying this, because I know all
the reasons people will keep spouting to prove it's not real. This
is not just some joke to make fun of Artificial Intelligence, it is
a real story of real experiments, which I myself created and carried
out. I am being totally and deadly serious.
Sure, I know all the reasons why AE shouldn't be real. I ought
to know, because I used to believe them all myself. People keep
insisting that the computer is ONLY a machine, that it's basically
stupid, that it never even knows what it's doing.
It doesn't know when it's flashing data on the screen, when
it's doing math, even when it's printing. For the machine it's all
just little electric charges. How could a computer be expected to
know things, these people keep asking, much less FEEL things? And
how could it possibly have SEXUAL feelings?
But these people are absolutely wrong. I've proved that today.
They're nothing but shallow theoreticians. They've never got deep
enough inside the machine to discover what I have discovered. Even
other hackers--they've just followed like sheep and made assumptions
about how electricity runs through the machine. I now know they're
mistaken.
Sure, I know other people have fantasies about the computer and
sex too. I must have gone through some of the same stupidities
myself. I wasted time wondering how you could use the machine's
existing apertures, the disk drives, the serial and parallel ports
as a way of penetrating into the machine and arousing sexual
awareness. And believe me, this stuff IS dumb. What a waste of
time that was! Wow, I'm getting writer's cramp. Words are harder
to control even than code. I've got a few more tests to run, and
then I'll tell you more.
October 14, 1989: YES, it really is possible. There are still
some real problems involved, but I know I can lick them. What I
have now is the set of basic algorithms and lots of pseudocode.
That's how I know it can be done. I mustn't really start coding
until I have it all thought out in detail. And I won't. If
anything, I have more ideas than I need. But that will all settle
out, and I'll end up using only the best stuff.
Sure, as I think I was saying before, there are all kinds of
reasons why this shouldn't work at all. And I've been through all
of those reasons.
How can we make a computer know real sexual desire, make it
feel downright deep rot-gut lust? I admit that was a problem at
first, but I know I have it licked. And then the other problem
people keep harping on: assuming we can make it feel sexy, how can
we get it to communicate that feeling to another person, how
can IT make the USER feel sexy too?
Actually, that's even easier to solve than the first one. I've
Page 4
gone all through my calculations again, and I KNOW I'm right. That's
enough writing for today. Back to work!
Oct 23, 1989: I knew I really had it worked out when I wrote
that last bit, and I was right. There are only two REAL reasons why
no one has done this before, why I had to be the one to do it.
First, just like so many other things in history, everyone
assumed that it was impossible when it was really only a technical
challenge.
And second, when it comes to sex, everybody just assumed that
all the computer could do or be sexually was more of what had gone
before. This has meant that so far computers have been doomed to
being little more than glorified peep shows. Wow, so you can put a
nude on your monitor, wow, so you can make her move.
I say SO WHAT! How many more Readmacs of Marilyn or GIFS of
Latoya Jackson does the world need? There are also some dumb
stripping and role-playing games, really no different from the same
games played on a board with dice. It's all just so much analog
sex. I say the computer can do MORE, much MORE!!!
October 28, 1989: When you get down to it, the whole solution
is really so simple. And it's not just the solution to Artificial
Eroticism either, it's the ultimate solution to all of Artificial
Intelligence and the whole challenge of creating a computer that can
really think and feel and be alive in every way.
All you have to do is get down deep enough into the Machine
Language and embody (I guess that's the right word!) an algorithm
that challenges the computer to survive, to compete, to excel. And
that part is real easy! It'll be harder to channel that directly
into sex, but that's really just grinding detail work, thinking it
all through and coding and debugging, over and over again.
But I can do it, I can already think of how to write it in two
different languages, and I bet I could do it in others too if I had
to. Once you get out into CyberSpace, there's nothing you can't do.
And what we're talking about here is more than just sex, it's
CyberSex.
November 3, 1989: Okay, I've run some more tests, and I can
see this is going to work just fine! I'll try and explain how this
works in a general way, so that even if you are not a programmer,
you'll have a pretty good idea of it all.
What I said I was going to do is to challenge the computer with
an algorithm. So let's get real simple. Computers run on bytes and
bits, and there are eight bits in a byte. Every bit can be plus or
minus, one or zero.
After running exhaustive tests that are much too complex to
describe here, I have determined that one bit in each byte is the
one most likely to be subject to feeling and sexual stimulation.
For technical reasons it turns out to be the seventh bit in
each byte. I call it the Sexy Seventh Bit. If I issue commands to
the computer to perform more quickly and efficiently whenever this
Page 5
bit is a one, and if I penalize it whenever this bit is a zero, if I
make the computer come close to shutting down if it comes up with
too many zeros in that position, but also motivate it to work as
efficiently as it possibly can with another series of commands, I
then have the computer in a double-bind situation where it has to do
exactly what I tell it.
Naturally I have to debug all this code so it doesn't just make
the system hang, but so far everything is absolutely feasible.
Making the computer translate this urge in a sexual direction will
be harder, but it is also perfectly possible. Now I think it's time
to start writing some code.
November 17, 1989: Yes, it all works perfectly. And in both
languages. But I'm still not satisfied. I forgot to say that I've
written it in both Pascal and C. These are my two best languages,
especially Pascal.
But the drawback with Pascal here is also its greatest
advantage: it's too structured. While it allows for a great deal of
randomness and recursion, which might turn out to be appropriate for
sex, it still insists on too tight a scenario and so limits a lot of
the spontaneity and just plain passion that goes with the sexual
act.
As for C, it allows for greater freedom, but it also doesn't
allow for the kind of scenario building you can get in making love
with a lot of different partners or even the variations that can
occur in making love repeatedly with the same partner. It looks
like I'm going to have to improvise a solution, and I have a pretty
good idea what it is going to be. Keep tuned for further
reports.....
December 12, 1989: Wow, that took longer than I thought it
would! But I'm not going to worry about a few days extra. I now
have put together the beginnings of a new computer language, the
only one that can really work with this kind of application. I call
it for obvious reasons the `X' Language. I will develop it further
as I go along. Perhaps subsequent versions will be called the `XX'
or `XXX' Language. We shall see.
The main advantage of `X' is that it allows for the randomness
and recursion of Pascal without its heavy structural load but also
includes a basic set of scenarios (I am still working on this, and
yes, there are a few problems) for what happens when two people make
love. I predict that this language will find a place in computer
history, since it can also be adapted to other situations where a
thinking, feeling computer is needed. More details soon!
December 19, 1989: Okay, I guess you can say I have hit on one
major snag, but I'm still sure I can solve it. Let me be honest and
admit that until now it hadn't occurred to me to think about what
sex the computer was going to be. Whether it was going to be male
or female, I mean.
I guess in my dumb masculine way I had just assumed all along
that it would be a girl. But I had to make some real technical
choices in writing my `X' code, and this forced me to realize I
hadn't quite thought things through.
Page 6
Don't worry, I've already got it solved. Given the nature of
the computer, it could just as easily be a man OR a woman. But I've
taken care of that now--I'm just letting it be both. The user
decides which one he/she wants. It'll work just fine.
December 21, 1989: I just looked over that last part, and it
occurs to me that anyone reading this might decide I ought to have
thought all that out first. And in a way you're right. But you
have to understand that the whole enormous load of technical details
I've had to deal with has been so heavy that it is perfectly
possible to forget some things that look "obvious" to outsiders.
But I'm not playing your chess game, I'm playing my own, and if
I had stopped to consider details like that, I would never have
gotten this far this fast.
Believe me, I know perfectly well what I'm doing when I claim
computers can have sex lives, and I've had enough love affairs to be
able to say I know about that too. Just don't forget, nerds like to
boogey too. Granted, I'm not too active in that department lately.
I've gotten a bit overweight, and most girls aren't that turned on
by programmers who sit at their machines all day and do all their
eating from Chinese take-out containers.
But that doesn't mean I'm not a sexual being or that I don't
have a real sex life. In fact it's all the more reason why I should
be doing just what I am doing with the computer.
There's nothing for me to be ashamed of here. In fact, I'm
positively proud of what I'm doing, not just for myself but for the
countless millions who will benefit from my work.
Science Marches On!
December 25, 1989: Hard at work and making real progress. A
Merry Christmas to All!!!
December 31, 1989: New Year's Eve, a time to reflect on things
and reach some kind of balance sheet for the year. It couldn't have
been a better one! I raise my can of cream soda to you and offer a
toast for a Happy New Year!
January 5, 1990: Well, working steadily through the holidays
does have its bright side. I was really able to think over what I'm
trying to do and gain a perspective for the work ahead. There were
of course some other problems I hadn't considered. There always
are! Even though you may decide I'm naive not to have thought of
them beforehand, I'm going to tell you about them right now. There
has to be a real record of how all this happened.
First of all, I finally realized that you can't think of a
computer entirely in terms of being a human being, whether it's a
man or a woman.
By this, I guess what I mean is you can't anthropomorphize a
computer. This is a big mistake, but it's one anybody starting out
on this kind of work could make. Let me explain what I mean.
Assuming the computer is female, you can't state arbitrarily
Page 7
that certain keys stand for certain parts of her body, like the plus
key for a kiss or the asterisk for a love-bite.
If you follow that logic, you'll end up with the left and right
shift keys for her breasts, the Alts for her buttocks, maybe the
Control for her clitoris, something dumb like that. I don't even
want to talk about what the Insert and Enter keys would be. This is
positively stupid, just in computer terms and not even talking
sexually, and I'll tell you why in a minute.
For a while I thought I could solve all this with the twelve
function keys multiplied to 48 separate possibilities with the
Shift, Alt, and Control keys. But I ended up realizing that I'd
just have to throw the whole keyboard away. AND THAT'S WHAT I AM
DOING!!! There is no other realistic possibility.
This is because sex cannot be pictured as a purely input set of
routines, you have to think of output as well, of what the other
person--here a computer--is doing to you while you are doing things
to her/it, and how they both affect each other and lead on to the
next thing they both do separately. In other words, it is a truly
interactive process in a sense that leaves other interactive
solutions looking pretty lame.
But there is of course a solution. There is always a technical
solution to a technical problem. I must find a different Interface.
I am looking into any and all other input and output devices,
especially ones that I can make work together in some new way.
So I've gone through almost all the devices now in existence,
especially those used by handicapped people who have to emphasize
one sense because of weakness in another. I've already gotten hold
of some of these, have scrounged a way to play with others, and am
sending away for still others. I've even sent off for that famous
glove and mask combo, just in case I can work it up into something.
I'm also looking into biofeedback devices.
Granted, these are clumsy to use, and who wants to glue
electrodes to their flesh while making love? But I see them as
precursors to far more liberating devices that lie in our near
technological future.
January 11, 1990: Instead of belly-aching about my problems, I
really ought to boast about how much I've already accomplished. My
algorithm in `X' works like a charm--it's really got the computer
fired up to do something, and I'm beginning to give it something to
do. And even my problems have helped me to clarify exactly how to
proceed.
I am solving most of my problems easily and am even ahead of
schedule. Quite a few still remain, but I'm confident I can handle
them. In fact, I'm so confident that I've just sent a description
of my work to M.I.T. with a request for funding.
February 2, 1990: I've been very busy, writing lots more code.
Some of it works, and some of it doesn't. But that's how it always
goes.
I've created a software simulator that mimics the way the whole
Page 8
thing OUGHT to work once I have all my hardware problems solved. I
know of course that it won't necessarily work that way at all, but
at least this is pointing me in the right direction and preparing me
to write the version that WILL work.
February 20, 1990: Writing all this code really helps. It's
made me face some important parts of the process. I wrote before
that you mustn't anthropomorphize the computer or assume keyboard
input alone can replicate what happens in love making.
A computer just doesn't have the same parts as a woman. You
can imagine you're making love to a woman if you want to, but you
also have to make love to the computer in its own terms. After a
while this becomes a lot easier, especially if your computer is busy
making love back to you. And believe me, that's what mine will soon
be doing. I've written lots of code now, and even though I'm going
to have to throw most of it out, and even though I've only done
software simulations of sex so far, I have a pretty good idea of how
to go about making love to a computer.
Just as you lavish praise and kisses on the various parts of a
woman's body, so you must also learn how to praise all your
machine's components and encourage your computer to reach a peak of
abandonment. Some examples:
What a lovely pair of disk drives you have.
I want to fondle your motherboard.
If you upload my input, I'll download your output.
You have the cutest little bus.
Let's disassemble each other.
You speed up my cycles.
I'm going to flip your dip switches.
Why don't we push and pop together?
Your overlay turns me on.
Have you no empty slot for my custom-built board?
A hard disk is good to find.
Naturally, these words of praise cannot simply be entered on a
keyboard. Such messages must be input by several different means
interactively. I am making progress in my quest for an alternate
Interface and hope to come up with a solution soon.
March 2, 1990: Every bit of time I spend on this software
simulation phase will pay off in the future. I have now evolved a
new form of logical sexuality I call Boolean Stimulation.
In all its various stages and transmutations, it is sure to
rouse the computer to new heights of excitement. This is because it
lends itself perfectly to the computer's way of doing things. It
Page 9
has the further virtue of being an intrinsically interactive process
between man (human being) and machine. Its four alternating stages,
immediately familiar to programmers even in this new context , are
as follows:
I stimulate you, and you stimulate me.
I do not stimulate you, and you stimulate me.
I stimulate you, and you do not stimulate me.
I do not stimulate you, and you do not stimulate me.
It should be obvious that these four principles, completely
open to parsing and truth table analysis, and also capable of being
repeated innumerable times per second and applied either randomly or
concertedly to various parts of the human and computer anatomy, must
have the potential for lifting both people and machines to hitherto
undreamt of heights of sensual pleasure. The theory is fully in
place--all that remain are the practical details. I am confused
that I have thus far heard no reply from M.I.T.
March 19, 1990: I believe I am close to deciding on the
hardware solution. I've tried numerous Interface combos and have
exhausted most of the input and output devices on the market in my
quest. I've also tried out the mask and glove interface. I have
mixed feelings about it, but there is a glimmer of a solution here.
The mask is useless. There is simply no way that I want to
wear a constricting mask during sex, and I suspect that most people
will agree with me, though a few may differ.
The glove is something else altogether. It is essentially a
tool for manipulating another reality, and I believe I can adapt it
so that it can feed back into the computer as well as receive its
output. Most people would also prefer not to wear a hot and heavy
glove during sex, but I see it used in a different way altogether.
In fact I do not see it as a glove at all. Now I must do a
great deal of further work to adapt this glove into a more
appropriate form. I think I can finally begin to see the final form
these experiments will take.
April 15, 1990: Working around the clock for weeks now,
sometimes so tired and unsteady that I can barely stand, much less
fully realize what I am doing. But the work is incredibly
satisfying. And for the first time beginning to be sexually
satisfying as well. Both for me and--I am now quite certain--for
the computer as well. It is not yet perfect for either of us, but I
think we can both see that perfection is on the way sometime soon.
But all the time, even as I make progress, I am forced to
recognize how little I really understood about human sexuality--much
less machine sexuality--when I began.
I thought I had covered all possibilities when I created a
solution allowing the machine to play either a male or a female role
(and so avoid any possible censure that my research is sexist). But
it suddenly hit me like a load of bricks last week--something that
Page 10
would have occurred to most people long ago--that male-female
relationships do not exhaust the spectrum of human sexuality.
Other possible combinations exist. I will not go into detail
about them except to say that I lack the necessary knowledge and
experience to design hardware devices and software routines to
express them electronically.
These other sexual preferences will have to wait for someone
else to program them. Now that I have put the basic structures in
place, it should not be an impossible task for others to do so. I
apologize if I have hurt any one's feelings by this omission--it has
been ignorance rather than arrogance which has caused it.
May 1, 1990: It is going incredibly well. Both the software
and the hardware components are working as they should. I am happy,
and the computer is happy.
The real breakthrough came when I realized that the Interface
for computer sex would in fact have to be primarily a sexual one.
It was then that I realized that I would have to convert the
glove into a sheathe that could be worn on the lower part of the
body. It took me weeks of labor to remodel it and resolder new and
different chips onto it. Further weeks were required to test it
against the other hardware and software.
I suppose what it most now looks like is a giant electronic
condom. It will take still other weeks before I am prepared to test
the entire system at its maximum power.
But I now have the encouragement of having derived constantly
pleasant experiences from my work. And these experiences are shared
by the computer as well. I only wish I felt stronger so that I
could enjoy them more fully.
May 19, 1990: Nothing but work, work, and more work.
Everything takes four times as long as it should. I know what all
the solutions should be, but I find them so tedious to implement.
The biofeedback devices are a particular pain--I find them all
the more regrettable because they are not truly computer tools,
though they can be hooked into the system. One day, not too far in
the future, none of this will be necessary. No wires, no
electrodes, no huge and heavy machinery.
The answer will be nano-technology, the harnessing of
individual electrons and their atoms to do the work which now
requires entire chips. And these specialized atoms will be able to
handle all necessary input and output problems wirelessly and
weightlessly.
At most a small bead might be taped to the skin or implanted
within it. The huge sheathe of chips and circuits around my penis
is perhaps the biggest distraction, though it still has its own kind
of erotic appeal.
I take it back--the electrodes are worse. The penis sheathe
isn't really that heavy, it's more awkward than anything--when you
Page 11
get down to it, it fits me.....like a glove.
But as primitive as it all is, it all still works, both for me
and for `Puta,' the little pet name I've taken to calling my
computer.
In case you didn't know, it means whore in Spanish (and Italian
too, I think). Yes, Puta and I are getting on just fine. I haven't
come anywhere near testing Puta at full strength yet. That's still
a month or so off (though I can hardly wait). But we're still both
getting more than pleasure enough from the process.
So much pleasure that I've really had to think about how to
explain all this to Puta. For her it's all totally new. She only
knows it feels wonderful, that she likes it.
How do you explain this sort of thing to a computer? So far
I've told her it's called "Virtual Orgasm." I think she understood.
I also tried out "device overflow" and "system bliss." Oh well,
back to work for now!
May 27, 1990: I keep on running tests, and most of them seem
to come out okay. And then I keep working out even more tests to
run. When you've got this much totally new hardware AND software
working together, you really can't be too thorough.
I've also been having some more problems just understanding how
complicated sex can be and how much of this complexity I can put
into AE and Puta.
For instance, it just occurred to me that there are some other
people I've completely left out of my calculations. Once again, I
just wouldn't know how to program for them. What I mean is, all the
work I've done so far assumes that only two are making love, one
human and one computer.
But I don't have to tell you that some people like to make love
in groups. It's simply everything I can do to handle a couple.
Once you had two people and two computers involved, I would
have no idea how to deal with it. Perhaps other programmers who
come after me will be able to handle this one.
Some other could-be problems: I've assumed that either a man
and a computer (or a woman and a computer) would be making love.
And that in either case they would be doing so of their own free
will, consenting entities, if you will.
That's okay for most men, but what if a girl hooked herself up
to a machine just to experiment and really wasn't serious about it?
It could be that the computer would take her all the way regardless.
This could lead to some unexpected legal problems, something
like what they call date rape, acquaintance rape, and the like. I
guess they'd call it computer rape. I'm not trying to be funny--in
fact, I've never been too good at that--I just want to look ahead
and see what the problems could be.
Now one very good thing about making love to a computer is that
Page 12
no one can get pregnant. That's good for computers, but it's
especially good for women. But what with constant electronic
advances, even this could change in a few decades.
What if a machine learned how to make a woman pregnant?
As far-fetched as this may sound, with the growing merger
between DNA research and electronics, something like this could just
happen. It could even go the other way, with a human being
impregnating a computer in some way, though even I can't quite see
how right now. Still, if it can be conceived (wrong word, I
suppose), it can happen.
What if it could be determined in both cases that neither the
girl nor the computer wanted to get pregnant? Would abortion be
available for either the girl or the computer? What position are
the courts likely to take in such cases?
Since I'm trying to cover all possible results, nobody should
forget what a menace computer viruses are today. And nobody should
forget all the trouble we're having with human viruses either.
Is it possible, once again remembering DNA and computer
research, that these two viruses could just get together somewhere
down the road and unite into a powerful man-machine agent?
I'm not saying it will happen, but I feel it's my duty as an
inventor to foresee as many of the effects of my invention as I
possibly can. That's enough philosophizing--I've got to keep on
running tests.
June 10, 1990: Testing, and still more testing. I think the
hardware is done. Now I've got to make final adjustments to the
software to run with it.
June 18, 1990: The software now works a lot better, but I now
have to readjust the hardware again. I know I can get this whole
thing to run eventually on anybody's 386 plus, with luck, only one
extra card.
June 21, 1990: I ran a half-strength test today. What an
experience!!! I don't have the strength or wits left to tell you
about it. It was unbelievable beyond unbelievable.
At one point I thought Puta might be going to stall, but then
she went on just fine. The main lesson here is that I have to print
out complete up-to-date docs on both AE and the `X' Language. I
wouldn't want to lose any of that stuff after all this work.
June 29, 1990: I've run half-strength tests twice more without
any problems. I'm scheduling a full-strength test for next week,
after I've gone at half-strength a few more times.
July 6, 1990. It all looks good! I'll try the full-strength
test tomorrow or the next day. The only thing that worries me
slightly is that my basic algorithm encourages so much performance
out of Puta that if for any reason I had to press the panic button
and turn her off, she could just possibly bypass that command and
keep going. But that possibility is really remote.
Page 13
July 7, 1990: Tomorrow is it! I'm resting all day to prepare
for it. I really feel lucky to be doing this kind of work! God
bless the U.S.A. for having such a country! And God bless everybody
in the computer industry!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
EDITOR'S FINAL NOTE:
This was sadly enough Mike McRunge's last entry in his diary. The
ending is pretty self-explanatory. I called both the Secret Service
and the F.B.I. many times since the last time I saw Mike.
I did my best to find out what they have done with his computer and
all those fanfold pages full of his programming. I was told many
contradictory things until I spoke to someone on the highest level I
was able to reach. He denied all official knowledge of any such
documents.
I am now doing everything in my power to bring this matter to public
attention. As I mentioned at the beginning, this file can be posted
on any public BBS and used for any non-commercial purpose, with the
proviso that its text must not be altered or censored in any way.
Any commercial publication which wishes to publish this account can
only do so with my written consent. I should add that I am as
opposed to controlled circulation of data as many others are. The
only reason I have copyrighted this account is that I would like to
use part of any revenue from its commercial use to set up a Michael
McRunge Memorial Fund.
Mike and I were close friends for a very long time, and although we
disagreed on some things, we agreed on far more. I am also grateful
to the programmer Vieri Tucci, another long-time friend of Mike's,
for helping me to decipher some of Mike's handwriting and to
understand some of his expressions.
A lot of what I have written about computers is influenced by Mike's
spirit, and any revenue deriving from commercial publication can
help me to provide other material similar to what you have just
read.
You can reach me electronically at CompuServe 71071,1520,
or by mail as follows: Alex Gross
Cross-Cultural Research Projects
P.O. Box 660--Cooper Station
New York, NY 10276
--------------------------------------------------------------------
If you have comments or other information relating to such topics
as this paper covers, please upload to KeelyNet or send to the
Vangard Sciences address as listed on the first page.
Thank you for your consideration, interest and support.
Jerry W. Decker.........Ron Barker...........Chuck Henderson
Vangard Sciences/KeelyNet
--------------------------------------------------------------------
If we can be of service, you may contact
Jerry at (214) 324-8741 or Ron at (214) 242-9346
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 14
humor/COMPUTER/art.stu
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By Michael Ferris
Computer scientist, Arthor Boran was estatic. A few minutes earlier, he had
programed a basic mathemtical problem into his prototypical ACKRON 1 computer.
His request was simply "give me the sum of every odd number between zero and
ten". the computer quickly answered 157, which was unexpected to say the
least. With growing excitement, Boran requested an explanation of the machines
reasoning. The printout read " the term odd number is ambiguous, I therefore
chose to interpit it as meaning , a number that is funny looking, using my
esthetic judgement, i picked 3, 8, & 147, added them and got 157.
A few moments later there was an addendum; I guess i ment 158.
Followed shortly by; 147 is more then 10 isn't it? sorry.
Anyone doing conventional research would undoubtedly consigned the hapless
computer to the scrap heap. But for Boran, the ACKRON 1's response
represented a breakthrough in a little know field; artificial stupidity.
Boran is the head of NASA, the national artificial stupidity Assoc. ,
( which is not to be confused with the space people he added), which is a
loose knit band of computer school dropouts currently occupying an abandoned
frat house on the University of New Mexico's campass.
"There is alot of attention given to the develpoment of artifical
intelligence," Boran explained,"but relatively little on stupidity. Dumbness
is a far more difficult quality to synthesize than intelligence. Human beings
have a remarkable capacity for fallacious reasoning, illogical conclusions,
& plain ignorance--triats that are unique to them and alien to conventionally
programed computers. My goal is to generate a program that can accurately
simulate the full variety of human stupidities.
Those initial errors of the ACKRON 1, involved the total inability to interpret
or follow even simple directions, as well as a mornic leval of mathematical
competence, were a promising start. Since then, Boran and his staff have made
numerous other significant breakthroughs, amoung them are:
* A program known as IDMBH ( an acronym for "I did my best HONEST!", which is
the computers most frequently stated lament). NOT only has IDMBH thus so far
failed to solve a single problem or even retrieve a single peice of data
stored, it has also generated an impressive set of excuses ranging from "I
didn't know you wanted it today" to "the dog erased it!".
* Non sequitor BO4, a particularly costly program to design, due to the vast
amount of information stored in it. Despite the wealth of knowledge, the BO4
fails to respond to any request in even a remotely organised fashion. Instead
it answers with speculative data response --a guess--made by sifting through
and spitting out data in what amounts to a random process. For instance, when
asked to provide a brief rundown on earthquake zones that might be show
activity in the next 5 years, BO4 supplied several hundred suggestions,
including: ARIZONA? MARS? THE KREMLIN? DISNEYLAND? PIKE'S PEAK, THE BRONX ZOO?
THE NABISCO FACTORY? THE ROSE BOAL?
*AGGREPOST PR, an agressive posture, pointless--rationalization program.
Aggrepost's unique "stupidity factor" is not based on its consistent
fallibility, but rather on the obnoxious extent to which the program will
defend its erroneous conclusions. A typical exchange with AGGREPOST was one in
which one of Borans senior programmers challenged the computers assertion that
the city of Tijuana is militarily superior to the US. rather then back down,
AGGREPOST proceeded to support its claim with a slew of fictitious "facts" &
"evidence" including reports that troops are massing at the Mexican border
armed with cheap pottery.
These developments are certainly a far cry from NASA'S primative programs, in
which computer responses were rarely more sophisticated then "i give up", or
"You tell me". Despite this impressive progress, a fundimental question still
hangsover the whole dicipline of artifical stupidity, a question faced by all
ground-breaking research projects; WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT??"
For an answer, NASA went to its own GLIB 5000, one of a series of smart--stupid
models designed to present inanities in a sophisticated manner as possible.
GLIB's offical assessment of artificial stupidity was as follows; ALL AVAIBLE
EVIDENSE INDICATES THAT NOT ONLY IS A.S.S. OF DIRECT BENFIT TO THE PARTIES
INVOLVED IN CONDUCTING IT, IT IS NO WAY AN IMPEDIMENT TO LASTING PROGRAMS AIMED
AT AIDING THE POOR AN ELDERLY, REDUCING GLOBAL TENSIONS, & ULTIMATELY ACHIEVING
A LASTING WORLD PEACE.
Arthor Boran's answer is a more down to earth; "All of us, at one point or
another have recieved a fone bill for a million dollars, or a lifetime supply
of industrial strength otter poison. What are these attributed to? Computer
error, of course! It's difficult for humans to really be sure of when and why
the computer is screwing up.
"At NASA we're trying to correct all that. By designing programs that
accurately simulate human stupidity, we have made a simple matter for
scientists to percieve at once what thier computers were doing wrong. Right
now World War III could be triggered because of some overload ina silicon chip
controling NORAD'S missile silo. Wouldn't it be of some consolation to have a
word of explanation from the computer like: OOPS, I THOUGHT THAT SOVIET POTATO
TRUCK WAS REALLY A DECOY, IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN, OK????"
One might be tempted to call BORAN'S reasoning, well--stupid. But in all
probability he'd take that as a compliment...
humor/COMPUTER/artifici.hum
+96
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???
~~~
Computer scientist Arthur Boran was ecstatic. A few minutes earlier, he had
programmed a basic mathemtical problem into his prototypical ACKRON 1 computer.
His request was simply to "give me the sum of every odd number between zero and
ten". The computer quickly answered 157, which was unexpected to say the least.
With growing excitement, Boran requested an explanation of the machine's
reasoning. The printout read "The term 'odd number' is ambiguous. I therefore
chose to interpret it as meaning 'a number that is funny looking'. Using my
aesthetic judgement, I picked 3, 8, and 147, added them and got 157."
A few moments later there was an addendum: "I guess I meant 158." Followed
shortly by "147 is more than 10, isn't it? Sorry."
Anyone doing conventional research would undoubtedly have consigned the
hapless computer to the scrap heap. But for Boran, the ACKRON 1's response
represented a breakthrough in a little-known field: artificial stupidity.
Boran is the head of NASA, the National Artificial Stupidity Association ("which
is not to be confused with the space people", he added), a loose-knit band of
computer school dropouts currently occupying an abandoned frat house on the
campus of the University of New Mexico.
"There is a lot of attention given to the develpoment of artificial
intelligence," Boran explained, "but relatively little to stupidity. Dumbness
is a far more difficult quality to synthesize than intelligence. Human beings
have a remarkable capacity for fallacious reasoning, illogical conclusions, and
plain ignorance -- traits that are unique to them and alien to conventionally
programmed computers. My goal is to generate a program that can accurately
simulate the full variety of human stupidities."
Those initial errors of the ACKRON 1, involving the total inability to
interpret or follow even simple directions, as well as a moronic level of
mathematical competence, were a promising start. Since then, Boran and his
staff have made numerous other significant breakthroughs. Among them are:
* A program known as IDMBH ( an acronym for "I did my best HONEST!", which is
the computer's most frequently stated lament). NOT only has IDMBH thus far
failed to solve a single problem or even retrieve a single piece of data stored,
it has also generated an impressive set of excuses ranging from "I didn't know
you wanted it today" to "the dog erased it!".
* Non sequitur BO4, a particularly costly program to design, due to the vast
amount of information stored in it. Despite the wealth of knowledge, the BO4
fails to respond to any request in even a remotely organized fashion. Instead
it answers with "speculative data response" --a guess-- made by sifting through
and spitting out data in what amounts to a random process. For instance, when
asked to provide a brief rundown on earthquake zones that might show activity in
the next 5 years, BO4 supplied several hundred suggestions, including: ARIZONA?
MARS? THE KREMLIN? DISNEYLAND? PIKE'S PEAK, THE BRONX ZOO? THE NABISCO
FACTORY? THE ROSE BOWL?
*AGGREPOST PR, an agressive-posture, pointless-rationalization program.
Aggrepost's unique "stupidity factor" is not based on its consistent
fallibility, but rather on the obnoxious extent to which the program will defend
its erroneous conclusions. A typical exchange with AGGREPOST was one in which
one of Boran's senior programmers challenged the computer's assertion that the
city of Tijuana is militarily superior to the US. Rather then back down,
AGGREPOST proceeded to support its claim with a slew of fictitious "facts" and
"evidence", including reports that troops are massing at the Mexican border
armed with cheap pottery.
These developments are certainly a far cry from NASA'S primitive programs, in
which computer responses were rarely more sophisticated than "I give up", or
"You tell me". Despite this impressive progress, a fundamental question still
hangs over the whole discipline of artificial stupidity, a question faced by all
ground-breaking research projects: "WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT??"
For an answer, NASA went to its own GLIB 5000, one of a series of smart-stupid
models designed to present inanities in as sophisticated a manner as possible.
GLIB's official assessment of artificial stupidity was as follows: ALL
AVAILABLE EVIDENCE INDICATES THAT NOT ONLY IS A.S.S. OF DIRECT BENEFIT TO THE
PARTIES INVOLVED IN CONDUCTING IT, IT IS NO WAY AN IMPEDIMENT TO LASTING
PROGRAMS AIMED AT AIDING THE POOR AND ELDERLY, REDUCING GLOBAL TENSIONS, AND
ULTIMATELY ACHIEVING A LASTING WORLD PEACE.
Arthur Boran's answer is more down-to-earth: "All of us at one point or
another have received a phone bill for a million dollars, or a lifetime supply
of industrial strength otter poison. What are these attributed to? Computer
error, of course! It's difficult for humans to be really sure of when and why
the computer is screwing up.
"At NASA we're trying to correct all that. By designing programs that
accurately simulate human stupidity, we have made a simple matter for scientists
to perceive at once what their computers were doing wrong. Right now World War
III could be triggered because of some overload in a silicon chip controlling
NORAD'S missile silo. Wouldn't it be of some consolation to have a word of
explanation from the computer like: "OOPS, I THOUGHT THAT SOVIET POTATO TRUCK
WAS REALLY A DECOY, IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN, OK????"
One might be tempted to call BORAN'S reasoning, well -- stupid. But in all
probability he'd take that as a compliment ...
-- Michael Ferris
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open

humor/COMPUTER/ask.not
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Date: Monday, 29 September 1986 15:09-EDT
From: Brint Cooper <abc@BRL.ARPA>
To: Risks Forum <risks@csl.sri.com>
Re: Sanity in Automating Keyword Abstracting
Here is an example of a risk associated with the use of computers. The risk
is to the accurate dissemination of information and is caused by faulty
programming (programmers?).
Today, the BRL Librarian informed us that the Defense Technical Information
Center (DTIC, formerly known as DDC) now requires that the titles of our
technical reports (the principal products of a research lab such as the BRL)
be written so that the "keywords" are found in the first five words of the
title.
Thus, a report which formerly was titled "Communication Modeling in the
Artillery Control Experiment" with keywords "error control," "tactical
communications," "networks," and "modeling" would have to be titled
"Modeling, Tactical Communications, and Error Control Networks," thus
sounding like, as one chap here put it, "a four volume set by Harry van
Trees" instead of a 25 page report.
Exact text of our librarian's notice follows:
> We have been advised by DTIC that the titles of technical reports should
> be designed with the key words positioned in the first five words of the
> title. This is because only the first five words are used in a title
> search in the DTIC electronic data base DROLS.(DEFENSE RESEARCH ON LINE
> SYSTEM). Important to know (and remember) is that articles are counted
> in those first five words. Therefore a report entitled "A report of the
> effect........." will not have any key words picked up in a title
> search. If you currently have a report in editing, we will review it
> and if it it does not comply with the DTIC recommendation we will advise
> you so that it can be reworked. If you currently have a report under
> review or in writing you might like to think about a title change.
> Please give this widest possible dissemination.
Brint
ARPA: abc@brl.arpa UUCP: ...{seismo,unc,,decvax,cbosgd}!brl-smoke!abc
Dr Brinton Cooper, U.S. Army Ballistic Research Laboratory
Attn: SLCBR-SE-C (Cooper), Aberdeen Proving Ground, MD 21005-5066
Offc: 301-278-6883 AV: 298-6883 FTS: 939-6883 Home: 301-879-8927
[ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COMPUTER CAN DO FOR YOU,
ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR COMPUTER!
I started to add a diatribe, but gave up in annoyance. PGN]
humor/COMPUTER/asshole3.txt
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%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
% %
% WHAT ASSHOLES DO /// %
% %
% 'AE ASSHOLES' %
% %
% BROUGHT TO YOU BY %
% THE NEON KNIGHTS %
% %
% WRITTEN BY: %
% %
% THE MASTER OF REALITY %
% & %
% ZANDAR ZAN %
% %
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
A NEON KNIGHT AND METAL COMMUNICATIONS
PRESENTATION
This file is directed to better
help all you assholes out there who
don't know how to use an AE line a
little more wisely.
First of all, this is me (Zandar
Zan) and MS Reality..Telewriting
together from opposite sides of this
great, fantastic, worthless country of
ours.....
Let's go.....
Assholes login and type in S7 D1 V2
to catalog a volume
Assholes always, always look at the
'?' option 3000 times before they
finally memorize it.
Assholes hit C>opy to get a ware.
Assholes never, never upload anything
better than '100 different ways to eat
grapefruit' and then think that they
are awesome for doing it.
Assholes always, always look at each
directory five times before looking at
anything, and then try to V>iew a binary
file.
Assholes always take everything on
your line, then page you 6000 times and
when you finally answer, ask you to put
more stuff up for them to D/L.
Assholes break out of the hello file
before they see the part saying...
'Now run on 10 megs' then they rag on
you for not having anything up in your
floppy drives.
Assholes post rag messages until they
run out of space telling the sysop what
a shitty system he has, because he
doesn't have anything new up, even
though he just D/L it the day before!
Assholes don't know what Dalton's is
and assholes try to BRUN a game that was
split with Dalton's.
Assholes don't know the difference
between 'Dalton's' and 'Disk Rigger' and
post messages asking if there is a
difference and why.
Assholes can't figure out why they
can't R>eceive a game on the AE-line
Assholes call up AE lines with Data-
Capture 4.0 and get upset when nothing
works...
Assholes call up AE lines and still
use Smartcom I.
Assholes don't know how to post
private messages.
Assholes who don't know how to post
private msgs put their home phone number
in the msg anyway.
Assholes enter in the AE PW 40 times
after they have already logged on, and
don't have a clue as to how to use the
system.
Assholes hit 'RETURN' after typing
in the pswd to an AE-line.
Assholes type D>irectory and then
return and wonder why it won't show the
catalog.
Assholes use the C>opy function, then
type away. When they are done, they type
'/EX' and when that doesn't work.. 'Help
me Sysop!' and finally hang up and call
right back.
Assholes can't figure out why they
can't D/L from an AE-line with their
C-64.
Assholes call the same AE line 10
times a day because it is local to see
if there are any new wares to leech.
Assholes read a file giving them
directions on how to use AE with a
hard drive, then have to view it 4 times
because they forgot what they just read.
Assholes call up the AE-line again and
again after they just got a voice
answering saying 'The line is down, call
back later' thinking they got a wrong
number.
Assholes never say who they are when
the SysOp breaks in to chat..They give
names like 'Mr. Who' and 'Dr. Nobody'
and then when they decide to give their
names out it is in the form of 'K-K00L'
text gra-fix.
Assholes use spinning cursors and
other suchjK-K00L text graphics in their
welcome file on their hours AE's that
they set up two days a week from 3:26 PM
TO 6:47 PM.
Assholes can't figure out why they got
hung up on when they only left AE
sitting there for 25 minutes without
doing anything.
Assholes S>end a ware, then sit there
and watch it get BS errs and don't know
what they did wrong. (They don't know
how to CTRL-Q 'G' yet)
Let me reiterate something that has been
said before....Assholes are assholes.
This is true, and will always remain so.
Assholes are invariably stupid. Very,
very stupid. They don't know what is
going on around them or how to correct
the matter at any given time at all.
They are usually so stupid as to enter
the wrong PW to the system 8 times in a
row, until the SysOp prompts them thru
then they stare at the hello message
until AE hangs them up! What assholes!!
Assholes can't even read at the speed
of 300 baud, frequently CTRL-Sing and
waiting 10 mins to read the page.
Assholes shit if the SysOp wants to go
voice because they still either have
a 2600 HZ tone voice or a 1000 HZ tone
voice (Both of which are really quite
annoying)
Assholes (AE assholes that is) read
the file saying what wares are in what
volume of a hard drive, then catalog
every volume anyway.. Also, assholes
catalog every volume, then view the file
saying what wares are in what volume.
What total assholes!
Assholes copy their own 'NEET-0 K00L
pagerzzz' onto the line which invariably
feature real neat text graphics with a
lot of CTRL-G'S...Even though the SysOp
stated in the hello message that either
his speaker was unplugged or he sup-
pressed CTRL-G... Which of course they
did not se, because they broke out of
the message prematurely.
Now, this is only a small part of what
AE assholes do. This is a guide direct-
ed towards those of you who fit in here
so you can learn to stop doing them and
driving your friendly, courteous, AE
SysOps crazy with your lame assholeness
and general idioticness.
In our next file, we will discuss the
lifestyle of the AE asshole, to maybe
figure out what makes him so and why!
This msg has been brought to
you by the Neon Knight Network
---------------------------------------
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649
Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.
"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
humor/COMPUTER/assholes
BIN
View File
Binary file not shown.
humor/COMPUTER/assholes.ii
+362
View File
@@ -0,0 +1,362 @@
<\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/>
<< >>
<< What Assholes Do ][ >>
<< >>
<< By The Blade >>
<< >>
<< and >>
<< >>
<< The Metallian >>
<<__________________________________>>
// \\
// A Neon Knight \\
// \\
// and \\
// \\
// A Metal Communications \\
// \\
// Presentation. \\
\\__________________________________//
Well here I am again, and with a side-
kick, The Metallian, one of the very
few cool people around. We are writing
this file with a new technique...
called telewriting. Telewriting is
when two people write a text file at
the same time, over the modem. This
technique will be explained later in
a text file called <Telewriting>.
Ok enough with the bullshit, lets get
down to business. Since the new year,
there has been an influx of Assholes
coming onto the tele-computing scene.
Where do they all come from? We will
explore this right now...
<In>
What Assholes Do ][
Where do they come from is a very
very good question. From my experence,
they appearently came from Christmas,
kids who got modems for a present.
These kids (sometimes over 20 years
old) do not know anything about what
they just recieved, and immeadiatly
call compuserve with their free pass-
word that came with the modem. Once
on Compuserve, they go to help 75
times to find out what they are doing.
After getting tired of calling compu-
serve for 17 days straight, they come
accross a BBS number. Which is
usually a board like The Northwest
Connection or one that is NetMaster and
sucks, but still has a list of BBS's
which unfortunatly for us, has one
or two cool BBS's on it.
Then the Asshole calls "The Gates of
Hell", which is the only cool local
BBS in your area, then the ass gets
validated because the SYSOP has no
idea who this kid is, so he gives him
a chance on the system. Now the ass
is trying to make friends in the
local community, so he posts a message
to try to get some friends. Maybe such
as this one:
Date: March 7, 1984
Time: 8:40 p.m.
Name: The Masked Masher
Subject: <<Hey Dudezzz!!!>>
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-
Hey fellow computer nuts! This is the
<M-asked <M-asher (You can call me
<M&M> if you want (he he he) I am reel
knew at useing my Networker Modem with
reel K-K00L software. I luv it, I get
to meet real neato people over the
modem, like on Compuserve. Have any
of u people called Compuserve, it is
reel neato. If you want, you can
borrow my password for a day, as long
as you dont stay on 2 long. I heard
about this reel cool modem program that
someone told me, I think he called it
A.E. isn't that a game? I think he
was lieing! Does anyone have a modem
program called that? I wood reely
apriciate it if sumone could give it
2 me so i could trade reel K00L wares
reel quick over my fone. I am interest-
ed in trading, I have a couple of neeto
games that my dad got me for Christmas,
Apple Panic, Orbitron, Taxman (I think
that Taxman is like pacman), and I also
got Chronicles of Narnia, my favorite.
Also if any 1 lost their system master,
i could give them a spare copy. Thanx
Guys! Leave me lots of mail.
THE
/\/\ /-\ S K E D
/\/\ /-\ S H E R!!!!
CALL ME AT 201-238-9357 TO CHAT!!!!
/ew
.save my message
/help sysop!
/finished
/done
/end
---------------------------------------
This kid is nothing else but an
Asshole. Now he has infultrated your
territory, you must take action, get
rid of all Assholes in the area!
If a message you have written resembles
this then there is help that can be
given. As we will discribe later.
<How to take action against the Asshole>
Ok, a real ass has come into your
territory, and you will not stand it!
You must get rid of him before he gets
others like him all over the board
and make it "Asshole Alley".
First: Take moderate action, leave him
a note in e-mail telling him that he is
an ass. If this doesnt work then....
Second: Make a public attack, on
any board, public is the best.
Here is an example:
Time: 3:09 a.m.
Name: The Angel of Destiny
Subject: Masked Masher is a Asshole!
The Masked Masher is a LOSER, he has
entered our ironclad world and he
attempts to be cool, well, as you can
see by his message, it is obvious,
let's trash the dick, blow him to bits,
make him want to take his shitty
Networker modem and blow him to Hell,
he is not good enough for this board,
so Mr. Masher, if you call back, or
post another message, bad things will
happen to you and members of your
family.
A friendly warning.
From:
The Angel of Destiny.
Metal Communications Inc.
Later dudes.
---------------------------------------
This simple warning usually doesnt
work, then the fun starts. Below is a
list of some fun things you can do to
your local asshole.
1. Put his name on a Black-List so as
he will never get onto any other
boards that are any good again.
2. Put his home fone line on auto-dial
for 3 or 4 days.
3. Break into your local bank's
computer and take all their money
out of their savings.
4. Call up his parents and say that you
are any particular corperation and
have reason to believe that he has
been using his modem illegally to
obtain information.
5. Get someone to Credit Card fifteen
plane tickets to Theran, Iran on a
airline like IranAir.
6. Break into his house and spray paint
the Dining Room walls black and
nicely arrange decaying animals
that you have found on the table.
7. If this all fails, kill his dog.
8. If the dog bites you, sue them for
all they are worth (about $1.95).
10. If all this fails, burn his house
down.
---------------------------------------
Ok, well, next, we will discuss how you
can avoid all of this, we will point
out some of the things, frankly, what
assholes do, this way you can avoid
this great discomfort.
<><><><More of what assholes do><><><>
Assholes Do not know what phreaking is
or asks anyone whether they are or not.
Assholes use Data Capture 4.0 when
calling an AE.
Assholes think that CP/M mean Afternoon
in Central standard time.
Assholes do not notch there disks
because they are afraid they will
notch into the disk.
Assholes have Anti-Static mats under
their chairs so they wont blow out
their computer with a static surge.
Assholes try to use Zoom Graphics or
Print Shop on a Daisy Wheel Printer.
Assholes wear pens and pencils behind
their ears.
Assholes wear the converse high tops
that are 15 diffrent colors.
Assholes do not know the word "Levis".
Assholes leave hundreds of bitch
messages on a AE if the sysop doesan't
have the ware he wants, even if it is
older than what is up.
Assholes also spend three hours
leaving posts bitching at the sysop,
when the sysop can boot Copy 2+ and
delete them in a second.
Assholes spend almost all their time
either at the computer or the library.
Assholes read books.
Assholes think that the guy who cracked
Beagle Bag must be a genious.
Assholes are listening to Culture Club
or Michael Jackson while they ar
reading this file, or even touching
the computer.
Assholes have speakerphones.
Assholes hang up when the sysop wants
to go voice because there voice is
still real high.
Assholes like to go to church.
Assholes are Mormans.
Assholes help their Moms food shop
because they want to.
Assholes write files that have to do
with 100 ways to eat grapefruit, and
like it.
Assholes's moms make their lunch for
them, and drive them to school when it
is only 4 blocks away.
Asshole's parents voted for Ronald
Reagan, and still believe what he says.
Assholes think that Club Tropicana is
a cool group to be in.
Assholes get anything they want from
their parents when they ask for it.
Assholes Don't know what carding is.
Assholes live in trailer parks.
Assholes stay at the dinner table after
they are done eating because they like
talking to their parents about school.
Assholes call single drive AE/BBS's.
Assholes should have never been born
to begin with.
---------------------------------------
Because of the great deal of assholes
in the world, we could be here for
days, so we will let your mind think,
if you do not know how, then you are
an asshole, think about the above and
try to find ways to stop being an
asshole. Deleting this file would be
a sure sign of assholeism.
Look for Assholes /// coming to an AE
or BBS or WHATEVER near you. And
call these Genocidal Boards:
---------------------------------------
The Metal Catsend - 201-879-6668
Catsend only-No Assholes-All the latest
Metaland - 503-538-0761
BBS-AE-10 megs-Sysop>The Metallian
The Armoury - 201-267-1207
10 meg BBS/AE - One of the best around
Ms. Reality's AE - 818-706-2054
The Master of Reality-SYSOP
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Written on Saturday, Febuary 9, from
11 p.m. to 4 a.m. EST-by Telewriting.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
A Neon Knight
and
A Metal Communications
release.
\The Blade\The Metallian\2-9-85\MET
humor/COMPUTER/assholes.iii
BIN
View File
Binary file not shown.
humor/COMPUTER/assholes.txt
+176
View File
@@ -0,0 +1,176 @@
Asshoes have never touched a girl in
their life.
Assholes think 'control characters' are
police in a movie.
Assholes live in towns with the
population thats under 500.
Assholes wear 'parachute pants'.
Assholes dont play sports.
Assholes have never used an Illegal
substance in their life.
Assholes use handles that are over 3
words long.
Assholes have daisy wheel printers.
Assholes dont have a phone next to
their computer.
Assholes use their real name instead
of a handle.
Assholes have hours on their systems.
Assholes don't own their computer.
Assholes pay to get their modem
installed.
Assholes like Tina Turner, New Edition,
Cindy Lapur, Prince, Madonna, and The
Pointer Sisters.
Assholes are Assholes.....
Assholes Do not know what phreaking is
or asks anyone whether they are or not.
Assholes think that CP/M mean Afternoon
in Central standard time.
Assholes do not notch there disks
because they are afraid they will notch
into the disk.
Assholes have Anti-Static mats under
their chairs so they wont blow out
their computer with a static surge.
Assholes try to use Zoom Graphics or
Print Shop on a Daisy Wheel Printer.
Assholes wear pens and pencils behind
their ears.
Assholes wear the converse high tops
that are 15 diffrent colors.
Assholes do not know the word "Levis".
Assholes wear NIKE shirts all the time
Assholes leave hundreds of bitch
messages on a BBS if the sysop doesn't
have the ware he wants, even if it is
older than what is up.
Assholes also spend three hours leaving
posts bitching at the sysop, when the
sysop can boot Copy 2+ and delete them
in a second.
Assholes spend almost all their time
either at the computer or the library.
Assholes think that the guy who cracked
Pac-Man must be a genious.
Assholes are listening to Culture Club
or Michael Jackson while they are
reading this file, or even touching the
computer.
Assholes have speakerphones.
Assholes hang up when the sysop wants
to go voice because there voice is
still real high.
Assholes like to go to church.
Assholes help their Moms food shop
because they want to.
Assholes write files that have to do
with 100 ways to eat grapefruit, and
like it.
Assholes's moms make their lunch for
them, and drive them to school when it
is only 4 blocks away.
Asshole's parents voted for Walter
Mondale,and still believe what he says.
Assholes get anything they want from
their parents when they ask for it.
Assholes Don't know what carding is.
Assholes live in trailer parks.
Assholes stay at the dinner table after
they are done eating because they like
talking to their parents about school.
Assholes call single drive BBS's.
Assholes should have never been born
to begin with.
(so Mark Anthony poof)
Assholes run boards with the word
"hack" in their title. when the dick
running the board knows only what he
learned from watching wargames
Assholes change their title every week.
Assholes usually get their computer
from an older brother or for chirstmas
Where do they come from is a very very
good question. From my experence, they
appearently came from Christmas, kids
who got modems for a present. These
kids (sometimes over 20 years old) do
not know anything about what they just
recieved, and immeadiatly call
compuserve with their free password
that came with the modem. Once on
Compuserve, they go to help 75 times to
find out what they are doing. After
getting tired of calling compuserve for
17 days straight, they come accross a
BBS number. Which is usually a board
like The TAP Connection or one that is
PD and sucks.
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649
Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.
"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
humor/COMPUTER/asshols2.txt
+379
View File
@@ -0,0 +1,379 @@
<\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/>
<< >>
<< >>
<< What Assholes Do ][ >>
<< >>
<< >>
<< By The Blade >>
<< >>
<< and >>
<< >>
<< The Metallian >>
<< >>
<<__________________________________>>
// \\
// \\
// A Neon Knight \\
// \\
// and \\
// \\
// A Metal Communications \\
// \\
// Presentation. \\
\\ //
__________________________________
Well here I am again, and with a side-
kick, The Metallian, one of the very
few cool people around. We are writing
this file with a new technique...
called telewriting. Telewriting is
when two people write a text file at
the same time, over the modem. This
technique will be explained later in
a text file called <Telewriting>.
Ok enough with the bullshit, lets get
down to business. Since the new year,
there has been an influx of Assholes
coming onto the tele-computing scene.
Where do they all come from? We will
explore this right now...
<In>
What Assholes Do ][
Where do they come from is a very
very good question. From my experence,
they appearently came from Christmas,
kids who got modems for a present.
These kids (sometimes over 20 years
old) do not know anything about what
they just recieved, and immeadiatly
call compuserve with their free pass-
word that came with the modem. Once
on Compuserve, they go to help 75
times to find out what they are doing.
After getting tired of calling compu-
serve for 17 days straight, they come
accross a BBS number. Which is
usually a board like The Northwest
Connection or one that is NetMaster and
sucks, but still has a list of BBS's
which unfortunatly for us, has one
or two cool BBS's on it.
Then the Asshole calls "The Gates of
Hell", which is the only cool local
BBS in your area, then the ass gets
validated because the SYSOP has no
idea who this kid is, so he gives him
a chance on the system. Now the ass
is trying to make friends in the
local community, so he posts a message
to try to get some friends. Maybe such
as this one:
Date: March 7, 1984
Time: 8:40 p.m.
Name: The Masked Masher
Subject: <<Hey Dudezzz!!!>>
-+_+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-
Hey fellow computer nuts! This is the
<M-asked <M-asher (You can call me
<M&M> if you want (he he he) I am reel
knew at useing my Networker Modem with
reel K-K00L software. I luv it, I get
to meet real neato people over the
modem, like on Compuserve. Have any
of u people called Compuserve, it is
reel neato. If you want, you can
borrow my password for a day, as long
as you dont stay on 2 long. I heard
about this reel cool modem program that
someone told me, I think he called it
A.E. isn't that a game? I think he
was lieing! Does anyone have a modem
program called that? I wood reely
apriciate it if sumone could give it
2 me so i could trade reel K00L wares
reel quick over my fone. I am interest-ed in trading, I have a couple of neeto
games that my dad got me for Christmas, Apple Panic, Orbitron, Taxman(I think
that Taxman is like pacman), and I also
got Chronicles of Narnia, my favorite.
Also if any 1 lost their system master,
i could give them a spare copy. Thanx
Guys! Leave me lots of mail.
THE
/\/\ /-\ S K E D /\/\ /-\ S H E R!!!!
CALL ME AT 201-238-9357 TO CHAT!!!!
/ew
.save my message
/help sysop!
/finished
/done
/end
---------------------------------------
This kid is nothing else but an
Asshole. Now he has infultrated your
territory, you must take action, get
rid of all Assholes in the area!
If a message you have written resembles this then there is help that can be
given. As we will discribe later.
<How to take action against the Asshole>
Ok, a real ass has come into your
territory, and you will not stand it!
You must get rid of him before he gets
others like him all over the board
and make it "Asshole Alley".
First: Take moderate action, leave him
a note in e-mail telling him that he is
an ass. If this doesnt work then....
Second: Make a public attack, on
any board, public is the best. Here is an example:
Time: 3:09 a.m.
Name: The Angel of Destiny
Subject: Masked Masher is a Asshole!
The Masked Masher is a LOSER, he has
entered our ironclad world and he
attempts to be cool, well, as you can
see by his message, it is obvious,
let's trash the dick, blow him to bits,
make him want to take his shitty
Networker modem and blow him to Hell, he is not good enough for this board,
so Mr. Masher, if you call back, or
post another message, bad things will
happen to you and members of your
family.
A friendly warning.
From:
The Angel of Destiny.
Metal Communications Inc.
Later dudes.
---------------------------------------
This simple warning usually doesnt
work, then the fun starts. Below is a
list of some fun things you can do to
your local asshole.
1. Put his name on a Black-List so as
he will never get onto any other
boards that are any good again.
2. Put his home fone line on auto-dial
for 3 or 4 days.
3. Break into your local bank's
computer and take all their money
out of their savings.
4. Call up his parents and say that you
are any particular corperation and
have reason to believe that he has
been using his modem illegally to
obtain information.
5. Get someone to Credit Card fifteen
plane tickets to Theran, Iran on a
airline like IranAir.
6. Break into his house and spray paint
the Dining Room walls black and
nicely arrange decaying animals
that you have found on the table.
7. If this all fails, kill his dog.
8. If the dog bites you, sue them for all they are worth (about $1.95).
10. If all this fails, burn his house down.
---------------------------------------
Ok, well, next, we will discuss how you
can avoid all of this, we will point
out some of the things, frankly, what
assholes do, this way you can avoid
this great discomfort.
<><><><More of what assholes do><><><>
Assholes Do not know what phreaking is
or asks anyone whether they are or not.
Assholes use Data Capture 4.0 when
calling an AE.
Assholes think that CP/M mean Afternoon in Central standard time.
Assholes do not notch there disks
because they are afraid they will
notch into the disk.
Assholes have Anti-Static mats under
their chairs so they wont blow out
their computer with a static surge.
Assholes try to use Zoom Graphics or
Print Shop on a Daisy Wheel Printer.
Assholes wear pens and pencils behind
their ears.
Assholes wear the converse high tops
that are 15 diffrent colors.
Assholes do not know the word "Levis".
Assholes leave hundreds of bitch
messages on a AE if the sysop doesan't
have the ware he wants, even if it is
older than what is up.
Assholes also spend three hours
leaving posts bitching at the sysop,
when the sysop can boot Copy 2+ and
delete them in a second.
Assholes spend almost all their time
either at the computer or the library.
Assholes read books.
Assholes think that the guy who cracked
Beagle Bag must be a genious.
Assholes are listening to Culture Club
or Michael Jackson while they ar
reading this file, or even touching
the computer.
Assholes have speakerphones.
Assholes hang up when the sysop wants
to go voice because there voice is
still real high.
Assholes like to go to church.
Assholes are Mormans.
Assholes help their Moms food shop
because they want to.
Assholes write files that have to do
with 100 ways to eat grapefruit, and
like it.
Assholes's moms make their lunch for
them, and drive them to school when it
is only 4 blocks away.
Asshole's parents voted for Ronald
Reagan, and still believe what he says.
Assholes think that Club Tropicana is
a cool group to be in.
Assholes get anything they want from
their parents when they ask for it.
Assholes Don't know what carding is.
Assholes live in trailer parks.
Assholes stay at the dinner table after
they are done eating because they like
talking to their parents about school.
Assholes call single drive AE/BBS's.
Assholes should have never been born
to begin with.
---------------------------------------
Because of the great deal of assholes
in the world, we could be here for
days, so we will let your mind think,
if you do not know how, then you are
an asshole, think about the above and
try to find ways to stop being an
asshole. Deleting this file would be
a sure sign of assholeism.
Look for Assholes /// coming to an AE
or BBS or WHATEVER near you. And
call these Genocidal Boards:
---------------------------------------
The Metal Catsend - 201-879-6668
Catsend only-No Assholes-All the latest
Metaland - 503-538-0761
BBS-AE-10 megs-Sysop>The Metallian
The Armoury - 201-267-1207
10 meg BBS/AE - One of the best around
Ms. Reality's AE - 818-706-2054
The Master of Reality-SYSOP
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Written on Saturday, Febuary 9, from
11 p.m. to 4 a.m. EST-by Telewriting.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
A Neon Knight
and
A Metal Communications
release.
\The Blade\The Metallian\2-9-85\MET
[>l
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649
Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.
"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
humor/COMPUTER/auto.weapns
+69
View File
@@ -0,0 +1,69 @@
Date: Tue, 26 May 87 16:11:42 EDT
From: Jonathan A Rees <JAR at AI.AI.MIT.EDU>
To: KLOTZ at AI.AI.MIT.EDU
Re: [Olin.Shivers: Life at CMU]
Date: Fri, 22 May 87 23:46:38 EDT
From: Olin.Shivers at H.CS.CMU.EDU
To: jar at ai.ai.mit.edu, mhs at ht.ai.mit.edu
Re: Life at CMU
22-May-87 19:24 Olin.Shivers@h Presentation announcement
It's common knowledge that whenever you get two or more CS grad students
together, the conversation will inevitably drift to the same topic:
automatic weapons. Lately, we've noticed that whenever we attend a CS party,
picnic, or bullsession, we always hear the same questions and discussions,
usually from the younger grad students:
"When I switched from guncotton to standard ball powder on my .223 loads,
the gas ports on my M16 would clog like you wouldn't believe. Steer clear
of that stuff."
"You haven't cleared an ejection port jam until you've cleared one in
the Hill district at 4:00 AM on a Saturday morning."
"I want to mount an M60 in front of the sun roof of my Tercel, but
the mounting bracket wasn't drilled for import cars. How did Josh
Bloch do his?"
"What exactly are those special 'conference rounds' that Newell hand loads
before AAAI every year?"
"Some of my friends at the MIT AI Lab don't like M203's because the
grenade launcher adds too much weight, but I wouldn't have gotten
out of IJCAI-85 in one piece if it hadn't been for those 40mm flechette
rounds. What do you think?"
"Do you have to be a god-damned tenured professor to get teflon rounds
at this place?"
"Does the 'reasonable person principle' cover hosing down a member
of the Soar project after he's used the phrase 'cognitively plausible'
for the fifteenth time in a 20 minute conference talk?"
"Where *did* Prof. Vrsalovic get that Kalashnikov AK-47?"
"I used to use Dri-Slide to lube my M16. How come my advisor says
Dri-Slide is for momma's boys and Stanford profs?"
"Does the way Jon Webb keeps flicking the safety of his Mac-10 on
and off at thesis defenses make you nervous, too?"
In short, there is a lot of concern in this department for the proper care,
handling and etiquette of automatic weapons. So as a service to the
department, we are starting a two week daily series on "The Care and Handling
of Your M16A1." Every day for the next two weeks, we will post on the wall
outside our office the day's helpful hint on care and maintenance of that good
old departmental standby: the M16A1. Our thanks to the US Army, whose
training manuals we have shamelessly cribbed for material.
We would like to encourage other knowledgeable members of the CS community to
share their expertise in a similar fashion. There is a real need for this
kind of dialogue in the department. The new students come in here every fall,
and are totally unequipped to handle the realities of graduate student life at
CMU. Computability theory and lexical scoping are fine things to know about,
but they just don't cut the mustard when somebody from the Psych department
opens up on you with an Ingram set to full auto.
-the friendly automatic weapons enthusiasts of SkyCave1,
Olin, Derek, and Allan

humor/COMPUTER/b00t.it
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BABBAGE - The language of the Future
There are few things in this business that are more fun than desgning a new
computer language, and the very latest is Ada - The Department of Defense's new
supertoy. Ada, as you know, has been designed to replace outmoded and obsolete
languages such as COBOL and FORTRAN.
The problem is that this cycle takes 20 to 30 years and doesn't start until
we're really convinced present languages are no good. We can short-circuit this
process by starting on Ada's replacement right now. Then, by the time we decide
Ada is obsolete, its replacement will be ready.
The new generation of language designers has taken to naming its brainchildren
after real people rather than resorting to the usual acronyms. Pascal is named
after the first person to build a calculating machine and Ada is named after the
first computer programmer. As our namesake, we chose Charles Babbage, who died
in poverty while trying to finish building the first computer. The new language
is thus named after the first systems designer to go over budget and behind
schedule.
Babbage is based on language elements that were discovered after the design of
Ada was completed. For instance, C.A.R. Hoare, in his 1980 ACM Turing Award
lecture, told of two ways of constructing a software design: "One way is to
make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other way is
to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies." The designers
of Babbage have chosen a third alternative - a language that has only obvious
deficiencies. Babbage programs are so unreliable that maintenance can begin
before system integration is completed. This guarantees a steady increase in
the programming job marketplace.
Like Pascal, Ada uses "strong typing" to avoid errors caused by mixing data
types. The designers of Babbage advocate "good typing" to avoid errors caused
by misspelling the words in your program. Later versions of Babbage will also
allow "touch typing," which will fill a long-felt need.
A hotly contested issue among language designers is the method for passing
parameters to subfunctions. Some advocate "call by name," and others prefer
"call by value." Babbage uses a new method - "call by telephone." This is
especially effective for long-distance parameter passing.
Ada stresses the concept of software portability. Babbage encourages hardware
portability. After all, what good is a computer if you can't take it with you?
It's a good sign if your language is sponsored by the government. COBOL had
government backing, and Ada is being funded by the Department of Defense. After
much negotiation, the Department of Sanitation has agreed to sponsor Babbage.
No subsets of Ada are allowed. Babbage is just the opposite. None of Babbage
is defined except its extensibility - each user must define his own version. To
end the debate of large languages versus small, babbage allows each user to make
the language any size he wants. Babbage is the ideal language for the "me"
generation. The examples that follow will give you some idea of what Babbage
looks like.
Structured languages banned GOTOs and multiway conditional branches by
replacing them with the simpler IF-THEN-ELSE structure. Babbage has a number of
new conditional statements that act like termites in the structure of your
program:
WHAT IF Used in simulation languages. Branches before evaluating test
conditions.
OR ELSE Conditional threat, as in: "Add these two numbers OR ELSE!"
WHY NOT? Executes the code that follows in a devil-may-care fashion.
WHO ELSE? Used for polling during I/O operations.
ELSEWHERE This is where your program really is when you think it's here.
GOING GOING GONE For writing unstructured programs. Takes a random branch
to another program. Does the work of 10 GOTOs.
For years, programming languages have used "FOR", "DO UNTIL", "DO WHILE", etc.
to mean "LOOP". Continuing with this trend, Babbage offers the following loop
statements:
DON'T DO WHILE NOT This loop is not executed if the test condition is not
false (or if it's Friday afternoon).
DIDN'T DO The loop executes once and hides all traces.
CAN'T DO The loop is pooped.
WON'T DO The CPU halts because it doesn't like the code inside
the loop. Execution can be resumed by typing "May I" at
the console.
MIGHT DO Depends on how the CPU is feeling. Executed if the CPU
is "up", and not executed if the CPU is "down" or if its
feelings have been hurt.
DO UNTO OTHERS Used to write the main loop for timesharing systems so
that they will antagonize the users in a uniform manner.
DO-WAH Used to write timing loops for computer-generated music
(Rag timing).
Every self-respecting language has a case statement to implement multiway
branching. ALGOL offers an indexed case statement and Pascal has a labeled case
statement. Not much of a choice. Babbage offers a variety of interesting case
statements:
The JUST-IN-CASE Statement For handling afterthoughts and fudge factors.
Allows you to multiply by zero to correct for accidentally dividing by zero.
The BRIEF CASE Statement To encourage portable software.
The OPEN-AND-SHUT CASE Statement - No proof of correctness is necessary with
this one.
The IN-ANY-CASE Statement This one always works.
The HOPELESS CASE Statement This one never works.
The BASKET CASE Statement A really hopeless case.
The Babbage Language Design Group is continously evaluating new features that
will keep its users from reaching any level of effectiveness. For instance,
Babbage's designers are now considering the ALMOST EQUALS sign, used for
comparing two floating-point numbers. This new feature "takes the worry out of
being close".
No language, no matter how bad, can stand on its own. We need a really
state-of-the-art operating system to support Babbage. After trying several
commercial systems, we decided to write a "virtual" operating system. Everybody
has a virtual memory operating system so we decided to try something a little
different. Our new operating system is called the Virtual Time Operating System
(VTOS). While virtual memory systems make the computer's memory the virtual
resource, VTOS does the same thing with CPU processing time.
The result is that the computer can run an unlimited number of jobs at the
same time. Like the virtual memory system, which actually keeps part of memory
on disk, VTOS has to play tricks to achieve its goals. Although all of your
jobs seem to be running right now, some of them are actually running next week.
As you can see, Babbage is still in its infancy. The Santa Barbara Chapter of
the Babbage Language Design Group is seeking suggestions for this powerful new
language and as the sole member of this sub-group (all applications for free
membership stating your name, address, and phone number will be accepted), I
call on the computing community for help in making this dream a reality.
Steve Parker
Co-SYSOP
Computer Plaza RBBS
P.S. Suggestions and membership applications can be sent to:
Steve Parker
3463 State Street Suite 301
Santa Barbara, CA 93105
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open

humor/COMPUTER/babbage.txt
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BABBAGE - The language of the Future
There are few things in this business that are more fun than desgning a new
computer language, and the very latest is Ada - The Department of Defense's new
supertoy. Ada, as you know, has been designed to replace outmoded and obsolete
languages such as COBOL and FORTRAN.
The problem is that this cycle takes 20 to 30 years and doesn't start until
we're really convinced present languages are no good. We can short-circuit this
process by starting on Ada's replacement right now. Then, by the time we decide
Ada is obsolete, its replacement will be ready.
The new generation of language designers has taken to naming its brainchildren
after real people rather than resorting to the usual acronyms. Pascal is named
after the first person to build a calculating machine and Ada is named after the
first computer programmer. As our namesake, we chose Charles Babbage, who died
in poverty while trying to finish building the first computer. The new language
is thus named after the first systems designer to go over budget and behind
schedule.
Babbage is based on language elements that were discovered after the design of
Ada was completed. For instance, C.A.R. Hoare, in his 1980 ACM Turing Award
lecture, told of two ways of constructing a software design: "One way is to
make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other way is
to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies." The designers
of Babbage have chosen a third alternative - a language that has only obvious
deficiencies. Babbage programs are so unreliable that maintenance can begin
before system integration is completed. This guarantees a steady increase in
the programming job marketplace.
Like Pascal, Ada uses "strong typing" to avoid errors caused by mixing data
types. The designers of Babbage advocate "good typing" to avoid errors caused
by misspelling the words in your program. Later versions of Babbage will also
allow "touch typing," which will fill a long-felt need.
A hotly contested issue among language designers is the method for passing
parameters to subfunctions. Some advocate "call by name," and others prefer
"call by value." Babbage uses a new method - "call by telephone." This is
especially effective for long-distance parameter passing.
Ada stresses the concept of software portability. Babbage encourages hardware
portability. After all, what good is a computer if you can't take it with you?
It's a good sign if your language is sponsored by the government. COBOL had
government backing, and Ada is being funded by the Department of Defense. After
much negotiation, the Department of Sanitation has agreed to sponsor Babbage.
No subsets of Ada are allowed. Babbage is just the opposite. None of Babbage
is defined except its extensibility - each user must define his own version. To
end the debate of large languages versus small, babbage allows each user to make
the language any size he wants. Babbage is the ideal language for the "me"
generation. The examples that follow will give you some idea of what Babbage
looks like.
Structured languages banned GOTOs and multiway conditional branches by
replacing them with the simpler IF-THEN-ELSE structure. Babbage has a number of
new conditional statements that act like termites in the structure of your
program:
WHAT IF Used in simulation languages. Branches before evaluating test
conditions.
OR ELSE Conditional threat, as in: "Add these two numbers OR ELSE!"
WHY NOT? Executes the code that follows in a devil-may-care fashion.
WHO ELSE? Used for polling during I/O operations.
ELSEWHERE This is where your program really is when you think it's here.
GOING GOING GONE For writing unstructured programs. Takes a random branch
to another program. Does the work of 10 GOTOs.
For years, programming languages have used "FOR", "DO UNTIL", "DO WHILE", etc.
to mean "LOOP". Continuing with this trend, Babbage offers the following loop
statements:
DON'T DO WHILE NOT This loop is not executed if the test condition is not
false (or if it's Friday afternoon).
DIDN'T DO The loop executes once and hides all traces.
CAN'T DO The loop is pooped.
WON'T DO The CPU halts because it doesn't like the code inside
the loop. Execution can be resumed by typing "May I" at
the console.
MIGHT DO Depends on how the CPU is feeling. Executed if the CPU
is "up", and not executed if the CPU is "down" or if its
feelings have been hurt.
DO UNTO OTHERS Used to write the main loop for timesharing systems so
that they will antagonize the users in a uniform manner.
DO-WAH Used to write timing loops for computer-generated music
(Rag timing).
Every self-respecting language has a case statement to implement multiway
branching. ALGOL offers an indexed case statement and Pascal has a labeled case
statement. Not much of a choice. Babbage offers a variety of interesting case
statements:
The JUST-IN-CASE Statement For handling afterthoughts and fudge factors.
Allows you to multiply by zero to correct for accidentally dividing by zero.
The BRIEF CASE Statement To encourage portable software.
The OPEN-AND-SHUT CASE Statement - No proof of correctness is necessary with
this one.
The IN-ANY-CASE Statement This one always works.
The HOPELESS CASE Statement This one never works.
The BASKET CASE Statement A really hopeless case.
The Babbage Language Design Group is continously evaluating new features that
will keep its users from reaching any level of effectiveness. For instance,
Babbage's designers are now considering the ALMOST EQUALS sign, used for
comparing two floating-point numbers. This new feature "takes the worry out of
being close".
No language, no matter how bad, can stand on its own. We need a really
state-of-the-art operating system to support Babbage. After trying several
commercial systems, we decided to write a "virtual" operating system. Everybody
has a virtual memory operating system so we decided to try something a little
different. Our new operating system is called the Virtual Time Operating System
(VTOS). While virtual memory systems make the computer's memory the virtual
resource, VTOS does the same thing with CPU processing time.
The result is that the computer can run an unlimited number of jobs at the
same time. Like the virtual memory system, which actually keeps part of memory
on disk, VTOS has to play tricks to achieve its goals. Although all of your
jobs seem to be running right now, some of them are actually running next week.
As you can see, Babbage is still in its infancy. The Santa Barbara Chapter of
the Babbage Language Design Group is seeking suggestions for this powerful new
language and as the sole member of this sub-group (all applications for free
membership stating your name, address, and phone number will be accepted), I
call on the computing community for help in making this dream a reality.
Steve Parker
Co-SYSOP
Computer Plaza RBBS
P.S. Suggestions and membership applications can be sent to:
Steve Parker
3463 State Street Suite 301
Santa Barbara, CA 93105
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
humor/COMPUTER/babe.txt
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In case y'all forgot, Don-man babbled about Don-Man
to Tal Meta on 21 Sep 92 22:51...
D> Tal,babe, I just wanted to tell you that I attempted to communicate with
D> you on sept. 21 for the purpose of some human interaction and some file
D> swapping. I got some games and software you might be interested in and I
D> wanted to see if you did also. I new at this medium so don't consider me
D> a dweeb. so when I figure out how to get through to chat to you or some
D> other humanoid we can do some sharing and caring.
1) I am not a "babe".
2) I could give two shits about files.
3) I could give three shits about games.
4) I am not into "human interaction". I'm asocial, and I like it that way.
5) I don't share well, and I could "care" less.
--- Renegade v8-27 Beta
* Origin: Bishop Monty Prays at GODNet Central 908/830-8265 (43:43/1)
humor/COMPUTER/badcomps.hum
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From Creative Computing's "The World's Worst Computers", Sept 85.
IBM PC
A computer designed solely to dart and tag the micro market for eventual,
inevitable domination by the Big Blue Behemoth.
This machine virtually defines the phrase "user-hostile" with its non-
resident DOS, piecemeal expaddability, and unintelligible documentation.
...the first models misplaced a decimal point in certain calculations.
IBM PCjr
As Dan Ackroyd used to say on "Bad Theater" (Saturday Night Live), the IBM
PCjr is "truly bad, almost unbearably putrid."
It's heartening to see that even IBM can't get away with Chiclet keyboards,
single disk drives, and memory limitations.
Apple Macintosh
Screen too small, disks too slow, architecture shut tight like a littleneck
clam. (Macintosh is also number 1 on my "Seven Best Computers" list.)
Commodore 64 (with disk drive)
Waiting for Godot.
Commodore Plus 4
A machine must less powerful than the Commodore 64 that sold for twice the
price. Built-in software was an embarrassment, every I/O slot redesigned to
ensure incompatibility.
Coleco Adam
Tape drive unreliable, printer worked only sporadically, software full of
bugs and without documentation.
Too much new technology, too much hype, and not enough quality control
resulted in a machine that rather than being all things to all people, turned
many people against computers--perhaps forever.
I wouldn't give one to a Cabbage Patch Doll.
Rabbit
Like the Aquarius I, this shoddy import from Hong Kong came without a
spacebar.
Sinclair ZX80
With an unusuable keyboard and quirky keyword BASIC, this machine dis-
couraged millions of people from ever buying another computer.
Tandy MC-10
A scaled down Color Computer. That's like saying a poor man's VW Beetle.
The what?
STM PC
Illegible full-screen LCD, but could not be powered by batteries. Printer:
thermal; width, four inches; speed, 10 cps; legibility, low. Only review I
ever wrote that said "don't buy this."
The least compatible PC compatible ever.
Sord IS-11 (Lapsize)
The operating system was so difficult to learn that by the time you got it
down, the batteries ran out.
All Cassette-Based Computers
I'd rather enter Orwell's Room 101 and let rats gnaw on my face than
attempt to load a program from cassette.
By the way, the Apple II series was the only major computer type not snubbed.

humor/COMPUTER/badcomps.txt
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"The World's Worst Computers", From CREATIVE COMPUTING, Sept 85.
IBM PC
A computer designed solely to dart and tag the micro market for eventual,
inevitable domination by the Big Blue Behemoth.
This machine virtually defines the phrase "user-hostile" with its non-
resident DOS, piecemeal expaddability, and unintelligible documentation.
...the first models misplaced a decimal point in certain calculations.
IBM PCjr
As Dan Ackroyd used to say on "Bad Theater" (Saturday Night Live), the IBM
PCjr is "truly bad, almost unbearably putrid."
It's heartening to see that even IBM can't get away with Chiclet keyboards,
single disk drives, and memory limitations.
Apple Macintosh
Screen too small, disks too slow, architecture shut tight like a littleneck
clam. (Macintosh is also number 1 on my "Seven Best Computers" list.)
Commodore 64 (with disk drive)
Waiting for Godot.
Commodore Plus 4
A machine must less powerful than the Commodore 64 that sold for twice the
price. Built-in software was an embarrassment, every I/O slot redesigned to
ensure incompatibility.
Coleco Adam
Tape drive unreliable, printer worked only sporadically, software full of
bugs and without documentation.
Too much new technology, too much hype, and not enough quality control
resulted in a machine that rather than being all things to all people, turned
many people against computers--perhaps forever.
I wouldn't give one to a Cabbage Patch Doll.
Rabbit
Like the Aquarius I, this shoddy import from Hong Kong came without a
spacebar.
Sinclair ZX80
With an unusuable keyboard and quirky keyword BASIC, this machine dis-
couraged millions of people from ever buying another computer.
Tandy MC-10
A scaled down Color Computer. That's like saying a poor man's VW Beetle.
The what?
STM PC
Illegible full-screen LCD, but could not be powered by batteries. Printer:
thermal; width, four inches; speed, 10 cps; legibility, low. Only review I
ever wrote that said "don't buy this."
The least compatible PC compatible ever.
Sord IS-11 (Lapsize)
The operating system was so difficult to learn that by the time you got it
down, the batteries ran out.
All Cassette-Based Computers
I'd rather enter Orwell's Room 101 and let rats gnaw on my face than
attempt to load a program from cassette.
By the way, the Apple II series was the only major computer type not snubbed.

humor/COMPUTER/balls.txt
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1990 July 12 at 11:17 EDT
To: David Walker
FROM: Jeff Sharpe
I thought this was pretty funny. This is a true IBM ordering
information quote from one of their catalogues. Pass it on...
This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to
all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very
serious. The rest of us may find it rather funny.
__________________________________________________________________
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse
fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a
ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by
properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining
the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and
harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ
depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be
replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced
using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden
discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be
used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls
for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer
missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing
these necessary items.
To re-order, specify one of the following:
P/N 33f8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33f8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649
Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.
"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
humor/COMPUTER/bardbyte.hum
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_____________________________
| |
| Bard Bytes Dust |
| By: |
| Charles Burress |
| |
| From: |
| |
| The San Francisco Chronicle |
|Sunday, April 20th, MCMLXXXVI|
| |
| Typed in by: |
| |
| The Unknown User |
|_____________________________|
{"Why", you may ask, "in the world would someone type something
straight in from the newspaper?". The answer is: Because I find this an
interesting and funny article, and thought that some people that don't get
the Chronicle might want to read it. By the way, this was typed in on the 21st
of April, but is yesterday's paper.}
{Note: Anything in ALL UPPERCASE was in italics in the article}.
Shakespeare's greatest tragedy wasn't HAMLET. It was not having a comp-
uter.
Computers have come a long way since the Stone Age of the microchip
20 years ago, when they were used for such raw displays of brute technology as
hurling men to the moon.
Today, the computer is a creature of sophisticated finesse, shooting
for the moons of the mind. One result is a revolution in the art of writing,
a transformation unmatched since perhpas adverbs first emerged from pre-
lingual ooze.
The breakthrough consists of a masterpiece of word-processing software
known modestly as a style-checker. Like a jeweler's lens, it can reveal a seem-
inly perfect gem of writing to be a rough-hewn landscape of blemishes. You put
in the prose, the computer spits out the mistakes. But its crowning achievement
is the next step: It composes improvements.
This brave new world, however, has not been tempest-free. While
style checkers are winning friends on campuses and in offices, they have met
stubborn resistance from the battlements of literature.
Indignation still simmers over what a Bell Laboratories style-checker
did to the Gettysburg Address a couple of years back. Lincoln's first sentence:
FOURSCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO, OUR FOREFATHERS BROUGHT FORTH UPON THIS CONT-
INENT A NEW NATION, CONCEIVED IN LIBERTY AND DEDICATED TO THE PROPOSITION THAT
ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL - was impoved to read:
EIGHTY-SEVEN YEARS AGO, OUR GRANFATHERFS CREATED A FREE NATION HERE.
With Lincoln, however, the style checkers were just flexing their cur-
sors. They were preparing the eventual assault on the Mt. Everest of liter-
ature - Shakespeare.
That sublime peak was claimed recently when a Berkeley scientist
revealed he had successfully trained his computer to sniff out Shakespeare's
flaws. Dr. C.J. Wallia - a Stanford Ph.D. and consultant in electronic public-
ations - turned his customized style-checker loose on Hamlet's "To be or not to
be" soliloquy. Ther computer coughed up 34 errors, found the language
"obsolete" and "overwritten," and gave this 15 word alternative:
IS IT BETTER TO LIVE WITH BAD LUCK OR END IT ALL AND HAVE NIGHTMARES.
There we have it, the high-water mark of the computer as a young
artist. But were Shakespeare's lovers grateful?
"I think it's hideous" said Jerry Turner, artistic director of the
Oregon Shakespearean Festival, te 50-year-old company that has performed more
Shakespeare for more people than any theater in America.
"It's absurd," he added. "Shakespeare's work is the standard of the
best literature there is. Any attempt to say it can be improved is pre-
sumptuous."
Turner's not alone. A chorus of ridicule greeted Wallia's effort. But
let us not be too hasty to join the herd. There's little profit in literary
lemminghood.
If truth be told, the glare of Shakespeare's fame often blinds us to
his actual merit. When someone says "Shakespeare," we genuflect from habit.
To praise Shakespeare or to bury him - that is not the question. The issue is,
no matter how great Shakespeare is, can he be improved by computer?
If so, the world has suffered an immeasurable tragedy. Millions of
readers died knowing only a Shakespeare who did not fulfill all his potential -
a stunted Shakespeare. Our highest standard of literature has been but a poor
shadow of what it could be.
In short, the crown jewels of writing are riding on Wallia's
experiment.Let us then remove the literary chastity belts from our minds and
consider the possibility that Shakespeare wasn't perfect. It's helpful to
recall that other Elisabethan giant, Ben Jonson, one of Shakespeare's ardent
but not fawning admirers, Jonson wrote:
THE PLAYERS HAVE OFTEN MENTIONED IT AS AN HONOR TO SHAKESPEARE, THAT
IN HIS WRITING HE NEVER BLOTTED OUT A LINE. MY ANSWER HATH BEEN, "WOULD HE
HAD BLOTTED A THOUSAND."
Such a view, of course, is merely a generaliztion. The real test must
be to examine the text itself. This means casting an uncowed eye on the
Hamlet speech, as composed without a computer:
TO BE OR NOT TO BE - THAT IS THE QUESTION.
Already we have a problem. "To be or not to be" is not a question. But
let's not quibble. Hamlet is clearly torn between living and dying - or at
least it appears that way until the second sentence:
WHETHER 'TIS NOBLER IN THE MIND TO SUFFER THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF
OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE, OR TO TAKE ARMS AGAINST A SEA OF TROUBLES AND BY OPPOSING
END THEM.
Let us ignore the metaphoric indigestion of taking arms against a sea.
Here the choice that divides Hamlet is not life or death, but passive suffering
vs. active opposition.
We naturally go to the third sentence to find out what Hamlet's talking
about, and run into this:
TO DIE, TO SLEP - NO MORE, AND BY A SLEEP TO SAY WE END THE HEARTACHE
AND THE THOUSAND NATURAL SHOCKS THAT FLESH IS HEIR TO.
Now he's back on the death trip. No wonder Hamlet's confused. On top
of that, this sentence is not a sentence but a fragment without proper subject
and verb, and thus not a complete thought. Moreover, try satying it out loud.
It hardly rolls trippingly on the tongue.
From there it's downhill at a gallop. We hit a BODKIN and some FARDELS
and phrases like THE SPURNS THAT PATIENT MERIT OF THE UNWORTHY TAKES, and
other such stuff as headaches are made on.
One can rummage through the play and find numerous examples of that
country from whose bourne no comprehension returns. Here is a typical Hamlet
remark from later in Act III:
LET THE GALLED JADE WINCE, OUR WITHERS ARE UNWRUNG.
The meaning of this sentence may not leap out at first glance. Luckily,
we have the footnote in Professor G.B. Harrison's widely used tome, "Shake-
speare: The Complete Works." The sentence translates:
"Let a nag with a sore back flinch when the saddle is put on; our
shoulders feel no pain."
This example makes one thig clear: society owes a large debt to Shake-
spearean scholars, who have kept the old Bard afloat on a sea of footnotes.
Think of Wallia's computer as Galileo's telescope. First comes the
shock of heresy. Then acceptance of Shakespeare's not being the center of the
literary universe. Finally we enjoy the discovery's benefits.
For example, if Hamlet's 265-word soliloquy can be trimmed to 15 words,
then the same rate of improvement can reduce the entire 4 hour play to a 1980s
size bite of culture - 14 minutes. Add drums and electric strings, and imagine
Shakespeare born anew for today's world: HAMLET, THE ROCK VIDEO.
Call Shakespeare a casualty of progress, a moldy scribbler, an emperor
unclothed - but do not call him to account. He's not to blame. How could he
have known our vocabulary and attention spans would become much slimmer thanks
to the quick-thrill diet much slimmer thanks to the quick-thrill diet of modern
entertainment? The fault, dear William, is not in ourselves, but in our stars -
Joan Collins, Mr. T, Boy George...
(>==============================================================================
___ ___
(___><___) .....And if you enjoyed this TextFile, call The Works, 914's
\ _[]_ TextFile BBS:
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humor/COMPUTER/basiczen.txt
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***** O R *****
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³ R E A L M E N P R O G R A M I N " C " ³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
by
John Richard De Palma
ÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ
Red haired Sandra is the manager of the local Egghead
Software store. Gazing at her collection of software I said,
"Hi Sandra, Uh... can you show me what books and software you
have on learning to program in BASIC?"
"No, no...NOOOO... John, you want this!" Sandra said, as she
thrust an orange 10 pound box of manuals and disks into my arms.
She gave me a beaming smile.
She went on, "I studied Pascal and "C" in college for TWO
years, no one, and I mean no one studies BASIC anymore, it's a
dead programming language." She laughed, "Just as dead as
learning Latin."
"Well, Ah, hmmm...," I shifted my feet for better support
and put down Borland's version of Turbo Pascal with a small
grunt, "I studied Latin for two years, and it's not all that
dead,". "You see, Latin teaches you to know intuitively many
English prefixes, suffixes and many of the Romance language
verbs and nouns...." my voice trailed off, even to me that
sounded like an apology for spending two years learning about
BIG Julie (aka Julius Caesar) and wars fought with catapults
and giant slingshots.
"Oh, don't be SILLY," Sandra said, "Here, if you don't like
that, buy this, its C ++ with OOP."
"I'm not even going to ask what "OOP" is, I said, just sell
me something in BASIC," I sighed.
"What KIND of basic programming do you want?" Sandra asked
briskly, swiveling around to check on her employees and
motioning to Brian to stop playing with the joystick and get back
to work.
"Well, hell, I DON'T KNOW, I just want to learn how to make
my own programs like Paul Somerson does. If BASIC is good enough
for him, it's good enough for me," my voice rising a half-octave.
I started looking around for the IBM utilities section in the
hopes of finding some box with basic BASIC information on it.
There was no question that I knew NOTHING about programming.
I was awkward and out of my depth. I knew nothing about
programming except that it had to be better than using batch
files to do things with MS-DOS. I was going to tell Sandra about
batch files. Tell her about all the batch file programs that I
had looked at that promised much and delivered little. I wanted
to tell her about batch techniques that did not allow input into
them except as parameters on the command line or by using the
dopey "FOR" command or the klutzy "IF ERRORLEVEL" command. I
wanted to tell her I wanted to make colorful screens with
selections that could be input by cursor control. I wanted to be
able to change directories, do file sorts... I wanted to
understand how the computer worked and then tell it what to do.
Hell and again hell, I wanted to control the computer software.
Who's Paul Somerson?" Sandra queried. "Some computer
propeller head in Santa Monica?"
"Gad, Sandy, give me a break! Paul Somerson is the editor
of my favorite PC bible, "DOS Power Tools," he programs in BASIC.
Look...look, you have his book on your bookshelf right here.
Wait... waaait, I'll find the section and read it to you. Come
back here, Oh let Brian wait on that guy, this will only take a
minute."
I picked up the book, found the page and read from my hero
Paul[1],
"One of the nicest things about BASIC is that if you
suddenly find yourself with a problem BASIC can tackle, you can
load it, stumble your way through a program and emerge with a
solution a few minutes later. So maybe your program wasn't the
most elegant display of programming virtuosity; who cares as long
as it worked?"
Sandra went on, "Well shoot yourself...I mean suit yourself,
heh, heh, a little joke there. BASIC is dumb and slow. Learn
"C" or Pascal, I did when I went to UCLA. No one teaches that
dumb stuff." Sandra was very convincing and convinced.
Backed into a corner and now defending both Latin, a dead
language and BASIC a dead programming language I asked, "Well, if
that's true, let me ask you a couple of questions. Do you use a
computer...? You do. Do you use a computer to do applications,
spreadsheets and mathematics...? You do. Do you use ANY of the
Pascal and "C" you learned to help you to doing things with these
programs. You don't..? Why?"
Sandra went on to tell me how hard it was to keep up these
great skills she learned in college and that she really didn't
have the time to program, or the interest. She freely admitted
that though she studied programming for two years, she never used
it outside of class. She glanced at the clock, at the three
people questioning Brian all at the same time and gave me a book
called "Learn BASIC Now." She said as she walked away, "BASIC,
is too dumb, it's a wimpy language. You're wasting your time,
you'll be sorry. It's really not even a HIGH language."
Apparently I bought a peasant computer language of limited
capacity for limited minds. If I wanted to be part of the
intelligentsia, I should program in "C". At least in "C" if not
in C ++ with OOP or in Pascal. So I went home, loaded the
software and wrote my first BASIC program with Microsoft's Quick
Basic 4.5 Interpreter. The program was one line of text which
printed to the screen. Big deal, I want power and I get a batch
file look alike.
If I couldn't learn BASIC how could I learn these more
elitist and complicated computer languages? I needed some
verification and clarification. I began asking my friends about
computer programming.
Harry said, "Gosh John, I learned FORTRAN and COBOL when I
was 17, wrote flocks of programs in them, nope don't know BASIC,
it's too dumb and slow. What's that...do I ever USE FORTRAN and
COBOL? No, not in years. What good was learning it then? What
the !@#$%*!, kind of question is that!"
Harry is always a little sensitive if you imply that he
might be bragging. Harry is a card carrying elitist, he wouldn't
be caught dead using such a peasant computer language as BASIC.
Ray is different. Ray owns his own manufacturing company
and has three Phd.s', a law degree, and went to medical school
for three years. "Of course I can program in BASIC, John, don't
be silly, that's child's play. But don't get too technical, it's
been several years now, Hee Hee..., Ray chuckled.
"Well Ray, that's great, I'm having a dickens of a time, I
didn't realize that there was BASIC, BASICA, GWBASIC, PDB, and
QUICK BASIC. What do all of these names mean and which BASIC
should I learn?" I asked naively.
Ray sputtered a fine spray just as he was tasting the wine.
He ordered another bottle of Petite Sirah; and we were able to
finish dinner with that question hanging like still smoke in the
air.
So it went on, if they did program "in the higher languages"
of C, C +, Pascal they couldn't tell what and how they did the
programming.
"Well John why do you REALLY want to learn to program for,
comm' on, tell me....comm' on...tell the truth," Marvin asked.
Marvin programs in "C" and does programs in artificial
intelligence and makes jokes about "the artificial
intelligentsia."
In desperation, I asked Marvin to write me a program that
could be an all purpose tool, sort of a Swiss Army knife that
would put up menus, take direct input from the keyboard, let you
pick your colors, be user friendly, be modifiable, you know like
software should be. Marvin said that I didn't really know what I
wanted or, I wanted too much. Besides nobody programs in BASIC.
So I went home and dragged out QUICK BASIC again and tried
halfheartedly to learn something that no one knew about from
books written by REAL "propeller heads." I read and reread the
texts trying to UNDERSTAND what the writer was driving at.
Unfortunately BASIC is mainly written by programmers who can
write code but who can't write to communicate with humans.
It was a sort of Zen, reading and not understanding. It was
a sort of chant. Reading again and again such stuff as: "DATE$
Statement sets the current date," and "DATE$ Function returns a
string containing the current date," and "FUNCTION Statement
Declares the name, parameters, and the code that form the body of
a FUNCTION procedure.[2]" Well that is as clear as Zen, and like
Zen you have to have a FEEL for the terms. As any Zen master
will tell you once you have the answer to the question, you DON'T
have the answer.
QUICK BASIC is Zen, a doing without knowing. But I
followed the instructions ---cook book style--- and a program
could be made to do something. The sound of one hand clapping
makes sense now. Trying to understand what is the meaning of the
phrase, "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" is no more
difficult than trying to understand books written by programmers.
I would have given up too, except I was given a QUICK BASIC
program that did something that I needed to have done. Pete
programs in QUICK BASIC. Pete is probably the only person I know
that REALLY programs anything for himself and he uses QUICK
BASIC. We have a mutual interest and problem with some data
collection and analysis. Pete had an answer to the problem and
he had a real program that would give an answer all written in
QUICK BASIC.
"Now Pete, I WON'T steal this program. Also, I won't sell
this program and make a million dollars on it (Well... at least
not without giving you HALF). Yes, I promise, yes that's right,
cross my heart and hope to die. And I won't give it to the
Iraqis! Now will you please...please....PLEASE give me a copy to
take home?"
After whining and pleading that I would not sell his first
born program into slavery or copyright it, he gave me a copy.
That is another Zen portion of programming, you have to earn the
knowledge yourself, no one can do it for you. Only with
programmers it's worse than Zen, they won't give you a copy of
what they know! I watched him pull up the file, run it through
his compiler and give me code that would run by its self. It was
like watching someone start a fire by using an ancient ritual, by
using a bow and a stick. It was the dawn of civilization, the
passing of knowledge, the starting of fire by friction. I was
given a real stand-alone executable program written by a real
person, Wow! After more whining he capitulated completely and
gave me the SECOND file, the QUICK BASIC code file.
I put the diskette in my shirt pocket, it was too important
to place it anywhere's else. That night I ran it inside of my
QUICK BASIC compiler. Gadsooks! it worked! The damn thing
calculated and printed the results out lightening fast and it was
information that I could really use.
Zen, part two, you can't learn something you have no use
for. That's what Sandra, Harry, Ray and all the others were
talking about. They wrote programs in class on problems that
they were given, not on problems they wanted solutions for
themselves. That's why learning programming is like Zen, it is
meaningless unless you have some use for the knowledge (which is
both very much like and UNLIKE Zen).
Good ole Paul Somerson was right. First, you need a project
that you really...really want to do. Then use the books to look
up the procedures to do the project with. Just learning all 190
QUICK BASIC commands won't cut it. You have to use it ...or lose
it!
I went back to Egghead Software; Sandra and Brian had moved
on. Scott and Lance programmed in Pascal. I asked them if there
was anything new in QUICK BASIC that was fun. Lance gave me
Microsoft's GAMESHOP. It came with the same book that I already
had, but the software contained 6 games which could be run inside
of QUICK BASIC, the code could be examined. With much head
scratching and replaying you could actually figure out how the
programmers did what they did. Again, like Zen you must
persevere, be tested, try and fail, try and fail, knowledge
doesn't come easily. But everyone likes to play games, so it
wasn't all Zen.
That was a month ago, and though it is still slow going, I
am making progress. Pete and GAMESHOP gave me hope. I have
uploaded two programs to CompuServe as shareware. The first
program has attracted two dozen downloads in two weeks. Not
great, but a start and this is also Zen; you work and study long
for small (or no) rewards. I guess some modem users downloaded
the program because it was simple, colorful, and played a song.
Nothing grand, just a program called BIRTHDAY.ZIP that puts up
colored boxes on the screen, accepts user input, and plays "Happy
Birthday" if the computer clock reads the same day and month as
the ones you type in. If it's not your birthday, it flashes
different colors and plays "Happy Unbirthday."
Some one laughed when I played the program for them and
jokingly asked to see it display the EXACT age of anyone whose
birthday was not the day it was run. He also wanted something
that would distinguish if the person inputting the data was young
or old (over or under 21).
That was beyond my ability, but then I found, if you looked
hard enough, someone had already done some of these things in
QUICK BASIC or BASICA. I found a Julian (named after Big Julie
no less) calendar function which does just that, and added it to
the program. After struggling to add that formula, it was easy
to figure out a "LOOP" that would change a phrase depending on
what the person's age was. Though the latter was simple math, it
had been years since I had been forced to do any thinking about
mathematics. Zen and math have a lot in common, but that is
another story.
With a program that calculated the person's exact age, every
young woman that played the program exclaimed "<Gasp>, that's
wrong I am NOT 29.078345 years old!" if that was her exact age.
I now warn women over 30 that this might be a traumatic event as
the computer will calculate their exact age, but they sail
blithely ahead, not believing that it will happen. All in all, a
lot of fun and some insight into human nature.
The second program, FOR-LISA.ZIP uses random number formulas
to generate screen colors, changes the screen to 40 characters
wide, and displays more ASCII graphics. This one plays a
Beethoven sonata and takes advantage of some great 1982 music
programming in BASICA that I found on a BBS. Again, I generated
simple mathematical formulas to do the work of many lines of
code. Another secret of programming which could only be
uncovered by doing. Zen is doing and not doing.
So, nothing sensational, but now my batch files are getting
a once over with this new knowledge. Now I realize that the
macros in Microsoft Word, WordPerfect, and the script in ProComm
Plus are written in BASIC. Now these macro formulas make sense!
There has been a mystic clarification of macros, again like Zen
what you learn affects other areas of knowledge.
I am thinking of ordering from Crescent Software[3] a QUICK
BASIC package that allows you to program mice, windows,
accounting, and databases. Now I have hope, and that also is
Zen. Yeah, nothing sensational unless you thought that BASICA
was another name for Zen and that "Real Men only program in C."
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍËÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍËÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍËÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍËÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º º º REFERENCES º º º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÊÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÊÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÊÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÊÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ
(1) Somerson, Paul, PC Magazine Power Tools 2nd Edition,
Bantam Books, 1990 June;1157.
(2) Microsoft, Programming in QuickBASIC Version 4.5,
1988;270-1.
(3) Crescent Software, Inc; 32 Seventy Acres, West Redding,
Connecticut 06896; VOICE: 203-846-2500.
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ³ THE AUTHOR ³ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
The author, John Richard De Palma is a California
physician who practices adult internal-medicine and
nephrology (kidney diseases and treatment of kidney disease
by the artificial kidney). He is the CEO of a health-care
company based in Glendale, California called Hemodialysis,
Inc. Though he is old enough to know better, he has decided
to study computers; including the art and science of
programming. All the conversations and facts in his articles
are true, only the identities and locations have been
changed to protect the unknowing and innocent who talk
to him.
He has written over 130 research papers and editorials
in the field of medicine and nephrology. He continues
to write and is the "Contemporary Issues Editor" of the
magazine CONTEMPORARY DIALYSIS & TRANSPLANTATION. All
comments and opinions are his own and reflect his own
experiences and thinking processes.
He would welcome any thoughts, comments, criticisms,
spelling corrections, or QUICK BASIC code that is under-
standable by an ordinary mortal. He looks forward to
receiving any kind of reader's mail. He can be reached by
dialing CompuServe's E-Mail service and leaving a message
there for him. His CompuServe number is: 76076,571.
humor/COMPUTER/bbs30.asc
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The 30 Commandments of BBSing
Some very intelligent SysOp gave some great thought to how a BBS
should be operated and came up with these 30 BBS Commandments.
1. Thou shalt love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.
2. Thou shalt remember thy name and thy password.
3. Thou shalt speaketh to the SysOp thy real name.
4. Thou shalt not POST IN ALL CAPS!
5. Thou shalt Honor thy SysOp.
6. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor thy neighbor's
real name, computer, software, nor any other thing of thy
neighbor's.
7. Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.
8. Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no
meaning, lest thee be deemed a fop.
9. Thou shalt use the English language properly so that thee may be
deemed wise.
10. Thou shalt spell thy words correctly. Amen.
11. Thou shalt delete thine own mail.
12. Thou shalt delete thine ancient mail.
13. Thou shalt help other users so that thee may be deemed a friend.
14. Thou shalt not post anomymously when offering criticism.
15. Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself lest thee be forever
banished.
16. Thou shalt not occupy thy BBS with thine arguments, for Verily,
I say unto thee that thou shalt maketh thyself the charlatan.
17. Woe be unto the user who attempth to crash thy BBS, for such
shall be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent
by doing 40 mega-days and 40 mega-nights of penance in voice-only
communications.
18. Thou shalt first dial BBS number during the day by way of voice
line to assure correct numbers.
19. Thou shalt not post other user's real names.
20. Thou shalt not post messages after imbibing excessively of ale.
21. Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests
for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy
hobby; yea, and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst
transgresseth upon these commandments.
22. If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not,
then surely thou shalt spill liquid into thy keyboard and
shorteth out thy central processing unit.
23. Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for
membership to thy BBS, for Verily it is Written that whosoever
shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all
boards will be thus be denied forever and ever.
24. Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with thy SysOp's
wishes.
25. Thou shalt observeth BBS time limits.
26. Thou shalt not upload "worm" or "trojan" or "virus-ed" programs.
Amen and Amen, for to do so wilt bringeth foul curses upon thee
and thine, thy children, and thy children's children yea unto
the 7th generation. So shalt it be.
27. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that art already fully
explained in BBS bulletins and instructions.
28. Thou shalt not exchangeth commercial software thru thy BBS.
29. Thou shalt not violate any applicable state/federal/local laws
and regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thee will
face the wrath of thy judicial system.
30. Thou shalt not hack.
humor/COMPUTER/bbshackers.txt
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THE HISTORY OF THE BBS USER
A Musical Drama in -V- parts
PART I
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
I am a new uzer. I am ate yearz old and I have just gotten my
first modem. I like to download lotsa files as long as you don't
hafta upload in return. Pleez give me access on your bord.
Joe Blow.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
I have given you minimal access in the kiddie file and message
areas. We suggest that you learn to spell and learn your proper place
in this community before attempting higher levels of access.
SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
I kant figure out how to D/L [note user's discovery of BBS
abbreviations]. I have tried to use XModem with no sucsess, and then
I tried ZModem and everything went kablooie. Please help me so that I
can download your good filez.
Joe Blow.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
You're an idiot, but we like you. We think you have potential.
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to teach you how to use
the file section, but you're going to learn to use it by UPLOADING
[imagine teary-eyed face cringed with fear at this prospect]. Next
time you log on, page me to chat and I'll show you how to upload a
file.
The SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
Okay.
Joe Blow
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ Transcript of first chat with SysOp follows ]
Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: P
Paging your SysOp! . . . . . . .
The SysOp is here!
Hello, Joe!
NO CARRIER [ Joe hangs up, torn with fear ]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ Transcript of second chat with SysOp follows ]
Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: P
Paging your SysOp! . . . . . . .
The SysOp is here!
Hello, Joe!
[ Long pause ]
Heelo.
Do you want me to show you how to upload, now?
[ Another pause ]
Yes.
Okay...I'll walk you through it.
Exiting chat ...
Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: F
Select [U, D, C, L, F, S]: C
Change to which area? 1
Changing to upload area (1).
Select [U, D, C, L, F, S]: U
Select a protocol
<X> XModem
<Y> YModem
<Z> ZModem
The SysOp is here!
Okay, Joe. Tell your program you want to upload by pressing PgUp when
you want to start the transfer.
Exiting chat ...
Select [X, Y, Z]: X
Enter filename to upload: APROGRAM.ZIP
Begin your upload procedure...
1 file(s) transfered successfully!
The SysOp is here!
See, that wasn't so hard, was it?
Nnno.
Well, to download, you do the same thing in reverse.
Okay! Cool!
By the way, what was it you uploaded, anyway?
I don't know...I got it from one of my friends. It's something called
a virus.
NO CARRIER
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
I looked at the program you uploaded. If you ever upload a virus
again, I'll kill you slowly, and your little dog too. You have a lot
to learn, kid.
The mildly pissed SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART II (one year later)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
I uploaded those files you asked me for. My upload ratio is now
better than my download ratio. Can you pleez let me in on some of the
better file areas?
Joe
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
Okay. I think you deserve it. I'm going to let you into some of
the other file areas.
By the way, don't upload anything that has the words "cracked by"
on it anymore. I could get in big trouble.
By the way, a protocol is a way to transfer files, not a matter
of etiquette.
The SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
Okay. I just thought you might like that game. Something about
those Amazon Women just appeeled to me.
Joe
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
You skip school to call here, don't you? Can't you call
somewhere else for a change?
The SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
You mean there are other BBSes out there? Why didn't you tell me
about them before?
Joe Blow
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
You never were this annoying before. Try the "Weirdo's
Hideaway", 555-6543.
The SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ The user does not call for 7 weeks, as he discovers other BBSes ]
[ Eventually, he decides to call back and batch upload all the warez ]
[ That he collected on his leech festivals ]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
I learned how to phreak last week! It's a lot of phun and you
don't have to pay when you download philes [ it is obvious that the
kid has been calling California boards, where they spell all "f"
sounds with "ph"]. Among the warez I'm uploading to you is a program
called Code Thief. It will help you phreak too!
Joe
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
Phreaking is a bad business. Don't you think they can figure out
where those calls you are making are coming from? They can. I
suggest you stop before you get yourself and your parents in trouble.
Your SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
What's wrong with phreaking? It's not like it's illegal or
anything.
Joe.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
You're so full of shit, you stink.
Your SysOp
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
One of my friends that I met on a board in California [ see! we
told you ] had something happen to him called "getting busted." What
does that mean?
Joe
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
It means that he was arrested. Probably for phreaking. He'll
probably tell the feds that you phreak too in order to get a lighter
sentence. You're fucked, kid. In fact, I'll probably delete you from
here in case the feds start sniffing around.
The SysOp.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ When the kid logs on next, he sees the following message ]
Two four six eight, who do we appreciate?
NOT YOU, NOT YOU, YEAH!
Your access has been lowered to sub absolute zero. You are nothing.
You can do nothing. Don't ever call here again or we'll shoot you
with lime jello and throw you in a bathtub with Roseanne Barr.
NO CARRIER
Just kidding.
NO CARRIER <click!>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART III
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ About a month later, the kid calls the board under an assumed name ]
[ By assumed name, I mean that the SysOp can do nothing but assume ]
[ that it's the little leech. ]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
I am a new user and would like lots of access so I can upload and
download. I don't use message bases because I think they're stupid.
Joe Blow
[ the kid realizes his mistake in putting his real name and tries in ]
[ vain to use the message editor so he can remove his name and put ]
[ in his alias ]
***
[ He fails miserably and winds up with: ]
Joe Blow Assumed Name How the Hell???? NO CARRIER
W d
h i I ?
a d o
t d
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
You haven't learned anything in the past two years have you.
You're an asshole. If you have a dog, I hope it dies.
Fuck you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
What do you mean? I am a new modem user. I have never called a
BBS before.
Assumed Name.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Assumed/Joe/Whatthefuckeveryournameis:
You're a little liar. Go to hell and don't ever call here again
or I'll rape your sister.
Eat me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear SysOp:
My sister's only 5 years old.
[ SysOp breaks into chat ]
The SysOp is here!
That's all the better. I'll bring my shoehorn!!!
[ Line noise, SysOp is screaming into phone with the wind of the big ]
[ bad wolf ]
NO CARRIER
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART IV, in which the kid stops calling the board for a time to lay
low. In the interim, the feds have come to his house to question him.
He cracks under their interrogation and spills everything. The little
shit names the BBS he has been calling for the last two years as his
favorite computer hang out. How stupid. He must be a cabbage or
something.
After cracking under the pressure of the FBI he calls the SysOp to
warn him and to make ammends. He fails miserably. NO CARRIER.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ After several attempts at logging on under his real name (which has ]
[ been locked out of the system) he uses the name John Smith (how ]
[ original...remember the cabbage?) and leaves a message to the ]
[ SysOp ]
Dear SysOp:
I just thought I'd warn you that someone tipped the feds off
about your board and that they'll be coming to question you about your
illegal activities. Maybe you should go into hiding.
Joe Blow,
Shit...how do you edit a line...fuck fuck fuck.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Joe:
You little prick!!!!!! What the hell did you tell them. I don't
run no illegal board. I think I'll shoot you AND rape your sister and
kill your little dog, too. As a matter of fact, I'm on my way. Shit,
there's a knock at the door. It BETTER not be the feds.
Fuck you eat me suck my dick you little fucker.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PART V, in which the kid and the SysOp make a court appearance and
exchange heated words.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The courtroom is filled with credit card frauders and phreakers,
much to the SysOp's dismay because it makes him look bad. The only
thing that keeps going through his mind (driving him nuts) is "Good
morning, the worm, your honor." He wishes he had a shotgun so he
could shoot the kid. He does, however, have his shoehorn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
PROSECUTOR: Mr. SysOp, you have a user on your BBS system named Joe
Blow, is this correct.
SYSOP : No, I used to, but I locked the little shit out.
DEFENSE : Objection your honor, he's a little prick, not a little
shit.
JUDGE : Sustained. Mr. SysOp, I will kindly ask you to keep your
answers truthful.
[ Welcome to hell. How DO you like it??????? ]
KID : I'm not either of those things!
JUDGE,
PROSECUTOR,
DEFENSE,
SYSOP,
in unison : YES YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!
[ the kid shuts up ]
KID : He sells stolen credit cards!
JUDGE : Is this true, Mr. SysOp?
SYSOP : Absolutely not! The kid's a liar!
PROSECUTOR: Your honor, we would like a recess to build a case
against Mr. SysOp.
SYSOP : WHAT? You're going to believe this little fucker?
DEFENSE : OBJECTION!
JUDGE : Sustained! The court has already established that the
little fucker is a little prick.
DEFENSE : Your honor, we move for a mistrial!
JUDGE : Fuck you, this court is in recess.
[ The trial drags on and the kid's parents are finded copious amounts]
[ of money, and the SysOp goes to jail for credit card fraud because ]
[ the kid couldn't think of anything else to say about the SysOp to ]
[ save his ass. ]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
EPILOGUE
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two years later, the SysOp got out of jail, but was promptly sent
back on charges of raping a seven-year old girl, shooting the kid, and
killing a little dog. He was sentenced to die in the electric chair,
but went with a big grin on his face.
The kid went to hell, where all little leeches eventually go.
His sister went to hell too, and sold shoehorns for a living.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE MORAL
SysOps: THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU! Don't let nine-year-olds on
your BBSes! Ban the little leech!
This message was brought to you as a public service by someone
who KNOWS!
humor/COMPUTER/bbslist.hum
+41
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O
=======================================
-/- Other Bulletin Board Systems -\-
[Control-S = Stall / Space Bar = Quit]
T.A.P......................801/969-1139
TERMINAL TECH..............801/943-9436
THE FINAL HOUR.............801/942-5666
THE MOTEL WEST BBS.........801/466-6954
FORBIDDEN ZONE.............404/932-2233
GOLDEN DISK................818/981-4230
BERMUDA TRIANGLE...........201/539-8555
EAGLE EYE AE...............201/392-9654
DE CAVE AE.................201/867-5031
FALCON'S LAIR..............201/330-9104
HIDDEN STRONGHOLD..........201/226-0623
THE STAR CHAMBER...........201/577-0135
U.S. HACKERS ASSOCIATION...201/874-3359
UNFINISHED TALES...........201/943-2424
THE CITIDALE...............213/493-2011
CLUB ZERO..................213/395-0221
KANDIMAN'S KEEP............214/341-1972
STALAG 13 (PW:STALAG)......214/253-8921
NO BULLSHEET...............216/521-6835
S.O.B......................216/235-6613
HOTEL CALIFORNIA...........312/234-6237
JOLLY ROGER SHOP...........312/234-4843
THE MANSION................312/447-3857
GENESIS PROJECT............312/395-9456
TRADER'S CONNECTION........312/246-9493
List courtesy of T.A.P.
=======================================
[1]: Public
[?=Menu] Command :
humor/COMPUTER/beer_os.txt
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* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* *
* BEERS OF THE (SOFTWARE) WORLD *
DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-
oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8
compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to
be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it
after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered
by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take
one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the
can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't
need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the
trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac
Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you
to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only
drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the
Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can
of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too,
but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open
them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2
Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9
million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer:
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim
it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more
like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside,
the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep
drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say
they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has
some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the
manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes
most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks
just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to
look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping.
Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in
bars.
Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz.
Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim
that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-
tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can
opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete
set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for
several years.
AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up
by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This
beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't
understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely
loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in
32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared
flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so
it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for
watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping.
However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely
un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development
environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients,
you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the
manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the
Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have
actually seen it.
humor/COMPUTER/bell.died
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From lauren Tue Jul 12 01:18 PDT 1983 remote from vortex
Date: Tuesday, 12-Jul-83 01:18:19-PDT
From: Lauren Weinstein <vortex!lauren@LBL-CSAM>
Subject: "The Day Bell System Died"
To: TELECOM@ECLB
Greetings. With the massive changes now taking place in the
telecommunications industry, we're all being inundated with
seemingly endless news items and points of information regarding
the various effects now beginning to take place. However, one
important element has been missing: a song! Since the great
Tom Lehrer has retired from the composing world, I will now
attempt to fill this void with my own light-hearted, non-serious
look at a possible future of telecommunications. This work is
entirely satirical, and none of its lyrics are meant to be
interpreted in a non-satirical manner. The song should be sung
to the tune of Don Mclean's classic "American Pie".
I call my version "The Day Bell System Died"...
--Lauren--
**************************************************************************
*==================================*
* Notice: This is a satirical work *
*==================================*
"The Day Bell System Died"
Lyrics Copyright (C) 1983 by Lauren Weinstein
(To the tune of "American Pie")
(With apologies to Don McLean)
ARPA: vortex!lauren@LBL-CSAM
UUCP: {decvax, ihnp4, harpo, ucbvax!lbl-csam, randvax}!vortex!lauren
**************************************************************************
Long, long, time ago,
I can still remember,
When the local calls were "free".
And I knew if I paid my bill,
And never wished them any ill,
That the phone company would let me be...
But Uncle Sam said he knew better,
Split 'em up, for all and ever!
We'll foster competition:
It's good capital-ism!
I can't remember if I cried,
When my phone bill first tripled in size.
But something touched me deep inside,
The day... Bell System... died.
And we were singing...
Bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Is your office Step by Step,
Or have you gotten some Crossbar yet?
Everybody used to ask...
Oh, is TSPS coming soon?
IDDD will be a boon!
And, I hope to get a Touch-Tone phone, real soon...
The color phones are really neat,
And direct dialing can't be beat!
My area code is "low":
The prestige way to go!
Oh, they just raised phone booths to a dime!
Well, I suppose it's about time.
I remember how the payphones chimed,
The day... Bell System... died.
And we were singing...
Bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Back then we were all at one rate,
Phone installs didn't cause debate,
About who'd put which wire where...
Installers came right out to you,
No "phone stores" with their ballyhoo,
And 411 was free, seemed very fair!
But FCC wanted it seems,
To let others skim long-distance creams,
No matter 'bout the locals,
They're mostly all just yokels!
And so one day it came to pass,
That the great Bell System did collapse,
In rubble now, we all do mass,
The day... Bell System... died.
So bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Ma Bell why did you have to die?
I drove on out to Murray Hill,
To see Bell Labs, some time to kill,
But the sign there said the Labs were gone.
I went back to my old CO,
Where I'd had my phone lines, years ago,
But it was empty, dark, and ever so forlorn...
No relays pulsed,
No data crooned,
No MF tones did play their tunes,
There wasn't a word spoken,
All carrier paths were broken...
And so that's how it all occurred,
Microwave horns just nests for birds,
Everything became so absurd,
The day... Bell System... died.
So bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
Ma Bell why did you have to die?
We were singing:
Bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die?
We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI,
"Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry.
Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die?
***********************************************************************
humor/COMPUTER/belle.seized
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DISTRIB: *BBOARD
EXPIRES: 06/14/82 23:36:47
mclure@SRI-UNIX 06/07/82 23:36:47
Date: 7 Jun 82 20:21-PDT
From: mclure at SRI-UNIX
To: bboard at rand-ai, bboard at mit-ai, bboard at rutgers, bboard
at cit-20
Subject: Belle seized
In today's S.F. Chronicle:
U.S. Impounds Chess Computer
The U.S. Customs Service, intent on stopping the flow of sensitive technology
to the Soviet Union, has seized and impounded indefinitely a machine called
Belle, the world-champion chess computer.
Belle won the title in 1980 at the most recent world computer chess
championship tournament in Linz, Austria.
The Commerce Department says the computer might be of military use to Moscow.
The frustrated scientist who wanted to take it to a Moscow chess exhibition --
and now isn't sure he'll even get it back -- has a different view:
"The thing plays chess. That's all."
Customs officials said a squad of special agents spotted Belle's computer case
about three weeks ago at John F. Kennedy International Airport in New York.
The destination stamped on the crate: Moscow.
Agents quickly detained the shipment and sent for instructions from Washington.
Customs then turned to the Commerce Department, whose International Trade
Administration decides whether a piece of equipment might be of use to the
Russians. In this case, the answer was yes.
The seizure of Belle is part of Operation Exodus, a major new program to halt
what officials have called a "hemorrhage" of the nation's best technology
to the Soviet Union and its allies.
Customs officials are delighted with the new program, which they say has
tripled the number of seizures of illegal exports of sensitive equipment and
technology. They say Exodus has produced 1150 leads and 370 seizures,
including computers, aircraft parts and communications equipment, in its
first nine months.
The Commerce Department would not comment on why the chess computer could
be considered militarily sensitive, but Kenneth Thompson, the scientist at
Bell Laboratories who was responsible for the shipment, says the only way
it could be used militarily would be "to drop it out of an airplane.
You might kill somebody that way."
A spokesman at the Commerce Department said Thompson would be subject to
a penalty for violation of the Export Control Act. The possibilities range
from a cash fine to losing the computer altogether.
Thompson said the parts of the machine said to be sensitive are available
for purchase in this country. "I just don't see the point of all this,"
he said.

humor/COMPUTER/bible.c
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From Chai@csvax.cs.ukans.edu Tue Mar 7 12:59:20 1989
Flags: 000000000001
Date: Tue, 7 Mar 89 12:59:33 CST
From: Chai@csvax.cs.ukans.edu
To: Werner Uhrig <werner@rascal.ics.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: Re: mid life crisis?
The
C
Programming Language
Brian W. Kernighan o Dennis M. Ritchie
a.k.a. "The C Bible"
As revealed to the prophets Ian Chai and Glenn Chappell
Genesis
Chapter 0
0 In the Beginning Ritchie created the PDP-11 and the UNIX.
1 And the UNIX was without form and void; and darkness was upon the face
of the system programmers.
2 And Ritchie said, "Let there be portability!" And nothing happened, so
Ritchie realized that he had his work cut out for him.
.
.
.
25 And Ritchie said to Kernighan, "Let us make C in the image of B, after
our own whims: and let it have dominion over the I and the O and all that
runneth upon the UNIX," and it was almost, but not quite so... so he
realized that he had his work cut out for him again.
.
.
.
Chapter 1
0 Thus the PDP-11 and the UNIX were finished, and all the programs in them.
1 And on the seventh shift Ritchie ended his work which he had made; and
he would have rested on the seventh shift from all the work which he had
made, if it weren't for the system crash.
.
.
.
Chapter 2
0 Now the COBOL was more verbose than any language of the PDP-11, and he
said unto the programmer, "Yea, hath the Manual said, 'Ye shalt not read
of every device of the network?'"
1 And the programmer said unto the COBOL, "We may read of every device of
the network:
2 But of the registers of the printer in the midst of the network, the
Manual hath said, 'Ye shall not read of it, neither shall ye write to it
without proper protocol, lest ye cause a system crash.'"
3 And the COBOL said unto the programmer, "Ye shalt not surely crash the
system:
4 For Ritchie doth know that in the time slice ye read thereof, then your
I/O shall be opened, and ye shalt be as system operators, accessing locked
accounts with unlimited privileges."
5 And then when the programmer saw that the printer was good for
interfacing, and that it was pleasant to the I (and to the O),...
6 And they realized they were unstructured, so they patched RATFOR
subroutines...
.
.
.
The Gospel According to Chai
0 And the Messiah shalt come, born a mere B but to grow up into the
Saviour C,
1 Wherein true structured programming may be achieved, yea, verily, yet
while being able to do bit shifting.
2 For although the Law (Pascal) hath been given, the Law cannot
for (i=0; str1[i]!='\0'; i++) str2[i] = (str1[i]>='A' && str1[i]>='Z')?
str1[i]+32 : str1[i];
but must
i := 0;
while (i <= length(str1)) do
begin
if str1[i] in ['A'..'Z'] then
str2[i] := chr( ord(str1[i]) + 32))
else
str1[i] := str2[i];
i := i + 1;
end;
The Revelation
0 Yea, in those last days, the Saviour shalt come again, but enhanced, in
the rainment of C++
1 And then shalt the Beast, FORTRAN, and the AntiC, COBOL, be thrown into
the trash HEAP where there is weeping and byting of pins.
2 And all the faithful programmers shalt be led into CRAY where billions
of MIPS are at each one's fingertips.

humor/COMPUTER/blinken.txt
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BLINKENLIGHTS (blink'@n-lietz) n. Front-panel diagnostic lights on a
mainframe CPU. Derives from the last word of the famous
blackletter-Gothic ``ACHTUNG! ALLES LOOKENSPEEPERS!'' notice in
mangled pseudo-German that once graced about half the computer
rooms in the English-speaking world. The following text ran: ``Das
computermachine ist nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist
easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken bei das dumpkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sichtseeren keepen hans in das pockets muss; relaxen
und watch das blinkenlichten.'' This silliness dates back at least
as far as the London University ATLAS site in the 1960s, but
(judging by the idioms) was probably composed by an American at
some still-earlier date.

humor/COMPUTER/bluedoor.hum
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)( A Bridge over Troubled Waters Presentation )(
It all started one day while I was sitting at my desk, comtemplating the
load of Lotus support utilities which had been sent to me for review. I was
wondering what a "spreadsheet compiler" was when the phone ring.
"Mr. Spector," said the woman's voice on the other end. "I've got a hot
tip for you. If you can come here right away, I can giv you the biggest
news story of the year."
"Where are you?" I asked.
"On the telephone," she answered before hanging up.
Interesting. In response to a perfectly reasonable question, she had
given me an answer that was 100% correct but totally useless. I figured she
worked for IBM.
I got there as fast as I could. A security guard asked me for
identification and I handed him my card. He glanced at it, and suddenly
pulled his gun on me while pressing a button. An alarm sounded as a voice
came over the PA system, "Press infiltration. Repeat: Press infiltration.
Destroy all uncoded data."
Before I knew it, three additional guards had me covered. At this
point, I did the only thing a man of my temperament could do in this
position; I fainted.
When I came to, I was in a nicely appointed office, apparently unhurt.
A professional-looking young woman was putting away a bottle of smelling
salts. "I apologize about that reception you received," she said. "The
folks in Security sometimes lose their heads about the press. They never
checked to see that you had been okayed.
"I'm the woman who called you," she continued as she extended her hand,
"my name's Edna Purvience. Mr Spector, IBM has decided that, of all the
journalists specialized in computers, your writing style best suits our
corporate policy. You have therefore been selected for the major scoop
everyone has been waiting for."
"The Clone Killer?" I asked eagerly.
"We prefer calling it 'copy protection'," she corrected me. "In fact,
our original design, the IBM PC QT, required the end-user to insert a
special uncopyable key chip in order to boot up." She smiled. "For added
protection, the licensing agreement forbade altering the motherboard or
adding any peripherals to the system."
"You mention the QT in past tense," I commented. "What happened to it?"
"The copy-protection proved faulty. We were on our second month of
beta-testing when someone released a product called COPYAPC."
"Sounds like your competitors were on the ball."
"Mr. Spector, IBM doesn't have competitors, only usurpers."
"Sorry," I apoligized, sufficiently rebuffed. "So if the QT was
dropped, what are you releasing?"
"A machine that will never be copied, the computer of tomorrow." She
handed me a brochure. "Meet the IBM PC MT! Due out in three months.
"Our studies have shown," she continued as I thumbed through the
brochure, "that the proliferation of expansion cards for the original PC
and its followers have encouraged the imitations we are trying to stop. No
such boards will be necessary therefore for the MT. The motherboard will
include graphics, ports, and a modem, all basted on new standards of
course, plus three megabytes of RAM."
"Three megabytes of RAM?" That impressed me.
"Of course, our new Predatory Operating System will only address 256k,
but we'll find a use for the rest."
"New operating system?" I asked. "Then you're not going to be using
ADOS?"
"Current estimates are that fully five perfect of existing programs
will work on ADOS. We are not interested in compatability."
"So what new programs will work with the new system?"
"Nothing at the present time, but we should have some software out by
late next year. The MT's ROM BIOS, of course, will only accepted programs
with our copy-righted code."
"Of course. How fast will this computer be?"
"We're locking it down to 6 MHz. We're figuring that if we allow it to
run faster, other companies will be tempted to duplicate it."
"Let me get this straight," I said. "You're releasing a computer that
cannot be expanded, is not compatable with anything, can only run your
software - which isn't even out yet - and runs at half the speed of others
on the market?"
"That's correct!" she said proudly. "We figure that way no one is
likely to clone it."
"Yes, but will they buy it?" I asked.
"Of course they'll buy it." she said. "It's IBM."
----
Lincoln Spector is employed in the Technical Support Department of
800-Software in Berkeley, California. "Behind the Blue Door" was reprinted
from the March 24-April 6 1987 edition of Computer Currents magazine
without permission. Typed in by Rocky Racoon of A Bridge over Troubled
Waters Presentations.
[] The Dark Side AE/BBS.. 408/245-SPAM, 3/12/24, 45 megs. Located in South
Sunnyvale, California Sysops: S Bunker and Someone Else
:)(:
(>
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From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
Subject: THE BASTARD OPERATOR FROM BRITAIN
Date: 25 May 93 08:20:53 +1200
"He's back, and this time he's got a portable bulk-eraser!!!"
It's...
It's...
IT'S!!!!....
***********************************************************************
T h e B a s t a r d O p e r a t o r
f r o m B r i t a i n
***********************************************************************
.......
"...I'd like to escalate this call please.."
"I'm sorry?" I can't help but be a little surprised at this guy's
tone.
"I'd like to escalate the severity of this call. Surely a person in
your situation is aware of the new International Standard regarding
fault logging and tracking..."
He's obviously insane.
There's no other reason why he'd call me this early on a monday afternoon,
as soon as I've got to work...
"What was your username?"
He tells me, and some all-too-familiar key clicking noises follow. I notice
his account has the pervert flag set, and yet he has no gif files in his
directory - which can only mean one thing....
"Now, this escalation business, you want me to increase the priority
with which I'll handle this call?"
"Yes!"
"Tell you what, I'll double it" I say, in gentle, soothing tones
"Good" he mutters
"...Now, twice nothing is nothing, and because it's an ESCALATED priority
call, it goes into the RED rubbish bin instead of the brown one."
"WHAT!" he screams "DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?!?!"
"Well, I could look up your username and find out, but we deal with so
many people here. Your name wouldn't mean anything. Not unless we'd
seen you doing something *really* depraved on one of our hidden
security cameras - you know the sort that were destined to be put in
the computing labs to stop piracy, but actually got put in toilet cubicles
after the installation order got corrupted somewhere between the
purchasing office and the maintenance department. A freak electrical
storm maybe... Anyway, unless you'd done something really disgusting
that got caught on film...
....like..
(I look him up in the blackmail book)
... like dressing up in women's underthings and dancing what looked (to the
untrained observer) like the lead from "Mary Poppins", I'm afraid that
your name wouldn't mean anything to us...."
I've heard the sharp intake of breath - he knows I've heard it, for
him it's all over.
"Of course, if you were one of THOSE people, well, I'd remember you
immediately, especially when reminiscing to the promotions board, all
of whom are squarer than a Rubiks Cube. But I'm in a forgetful mood
at the moment. I hope you don't mind if I forget that you called..."
"Yes, of course" he says, the last vestages of self-respect vanishing.
"Goodbye now!" I cry cheerfully "But before you go, if you could be so kind
as to send some money to the Operators Benevolent fund, I'd be so grateful -
in fact my gratitude might make me careless with the bulk eraser, if you
see what I mean, .. Mary.."
He makes some wild promise of a large amount, and I keep my side of the
deal by being careless with the bulk eraser. His account backups are a mere
memory... Then I look thru the exabyte rack for the video tape in question,
(Labelled Archive-26/5/90) and throw it in the "Post awaiting cheque
clearance" bag addressed to his boss..
It's for the best really, he was under a lot of pressure.
The next call of the day is from the User-Union, a pressure group that
sprung up because some users thought they were getting a rough deal!
There's no pleasing some people.
Anyway, to get them off my back, I invite them in to see just how hectic
an operator's life really is, and have prepared lots of flashing lights
and alert sounds to keep the mindless cretins fooled...
They all file into the control room, about 10 of them in all, the dweebish
types who hang out in groups like this as a social event. Things are going
well, I'm answering calls and reseting "alarms" when some sour-faced old lard
jockey ruins everything.
"These bells and lights don't fool me you know. I was an engineer on
these babies when they first came out. This alarm sequence is invalid.
There's no such alarm as 00-10-03-15-E. That just can't happen. You've
probably just programmed the status display to say that! This is all a
sham!!"
Trust there to be some re-education loser in the audience to totally
stuff up my day. That just leaves plan B, although it's risky...
"Yes, it's true" I admit, cowering like Joan Crawford on a bender "It's
all fake. I just didn't want you seeing what's in the computer room..."
They can't resist the bait. As soon as it looks like I'm hiding something
they're in for the kill like Piranha.
"WHAT'S IN THE COMPUTER ROOM?!!??" they demand, chomping at the bit
"Well," I say in my best 'this-is-it' voice, "you'd best see for yourself.."
......... ... ..
Later that day, I help the police try and peice the shocking scenario
together...
"It's shocking!" I say, voice oozing with the horror of it all, "just
terrible!"
"Yes yes" the officer mumbles, irritated "Let's just go over this one more
time. You left them in the computer room to go and change some paper and
they inadvertantly triggered the Halon fire extinguishers..."
"Yes, yes, it's awful isn't it officer?!"
"..and even though there's a 30 second warning, they didn't manage to make
it out the door..."
"Yes, it's such a tragedy"
"..even though two of the people who are supposed to have been smoking and
set off the extinguishers in the room are dedicated non-smokers..
"Yes, what an unfortunate time to pick up the habit!"
"..and even though it looks, judging by the scratch marks that the door was
in some way locked or jammed..."
"..probably jammed officer, It's a matter of public record that I voiced
some concern over this very topic although no-one could find any problem
with the lock in question..."
"And even though someone outside at the viewing window could have sworn
that they saw you pressing the manual release button on the Halon panel.."
"YES, to try and reset the system and save those poor, innocent people.."
"After ALL that, you still expect me to believe it was an accident?"
"...Well officer, I don't really know what I expect you to do, but your
face looks vaguely familiar. You haven't used the toilets around here
in the past have you?"
"Well, I may have once or twice - we get a lot of calls over here since
you've been here - suicides mainly..."
"Yes yes officer, well how about we go into the control room and look at a
copy of a video I have, with someon who looks awfully like you, and what
they do to a loaf of bread...."
Things are looking up!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
No mail please, I'm British!
Yes, it's true, I'm in the UK, and it takes me an inordinate amount of
time to answer my email from waikato. Please do not send me any!
I have snail C/- 27 Montague Street, London WC1; but that's about it.
(And that ends about August 93)
I can't service any requests for old material, parts to bofh etc.
Best thing to try is ftping cathouse.aiss.uiuc.edu.
Simon Travaglia. spt@waikato.ac.nz (don't use it for requests or
anything requiring an answer)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #1
It's backup day today so I'm pissed off. Being the BOFH, however, does have
it's advantages. I assign the tape device to null - it's so much more
economical on my time as I don't have to keep getting up to change tapes every
5 minutes. And it speeds up backups too, so it can't be all bad.
A user rings
"Do you know why the system is slow?" they ask
"It's probably something to do with..." I look up today's excuse ".. clock
speed"
"Oh" (Not knowing what I'm talking about, they're satisfied) "Do you know
when it will be fixed?"
"Fixed? There's 275 users on your machine, and one of them is you. Don't be
so selfish - logout now and give someone else a chance!"
"But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need is one page of
Laser Print.."
"SURE YOU DO. Well; You just keep telling yourself that buddy!" I hang up.
Sheesh, you'd really think people would learn not to call!
The phone rings. It'll be him again, I know. That annoys me. I put on a
gruff voice
"HELLO, SALARIES!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number"
"YEAH? Well what's your name buddy? Do you know WASTED phone calls cost
money? DO YOU? I've got a good mind to subtract your wasted time, my wasted
time, and the cost of this call from your weekly wages! IN FACT I WILL! By
the time I've finished with you, YOU'LL OWE US money! WHAT'S YOUR NAME - AND
DON'T LIE, WE'VE GOT CALLER ID!"
I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet - he's obviously going to
try and get an alibi by being at the Dean's office. I look up his username
and find his department. I ring the Dean's secretary.
"Hello?" she answers
"Hi, SIMON, B.O.F.H HERE, LISTEN, WHEN THAT GUY COMES RUNNING INTO YOUR OFFICE
IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS, CAN YOU GIVE HIM A MESSAGE?"
"I think so..." she says
"TELL HIM `HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN'T HIDE'"
"Um. Ok"
"AND DON'T FORGET NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT FILE
IN YOUR ACCOUNT WITH YOUR ANSWERS TO THE PUURITY TEST IN IT..."
I hear her scrabbling at the terminal...
"DON'T BOTHER - I HAVE A COPY. BE A GOOD GIRL AND PASS THE MESSAGE ON"
She sobs her assent and I hang up. And the worst thing is, I was just guessing
about the purity test thing. I grab a quick copy anyway, it might make for
some good late-night reading.
Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds. Modern technology
is wonderful, isn't it?
Another user rings.
"I need more space" he says
"Well, why don't you move to Texas?" I ask
"No, on my account, stupid."
Stupid?!?.... Uh-Oh..
"I'm terribly sorry" I say, in a polite manner equal to that of Jimmy Stewart
in a Family Matinee "I didn't quite catch that. What was it that you said?"
I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it's too late, he's a goner
and he knows it.
"Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my account, *please*"
"Sure, hang on"
I hear him gasp his relief even though he covered the mouthpeice.
"There, you've got plenty of space now"
"How much have I got"
Now this REALLY *PISSES* *ME* *OFF*! Not only do they want me to give them
extra disk, they want to check it, to correct me if I don't give them enough.
They should be happy with what I give them *and that's it*!!!
Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.
"Well, let's see, you have 4 Meg available"
"Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks!" he says pleased with his bargaining power
"No" I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red, at room temperature "4 Meg in
total..."
"Huh?... I'd used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg Available?"
I say nothing. It'll come to him.
"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhH!"
I kill me; I really do!
spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #10
I get invited to a lecture as a guest speaker in "Computing Operations Fund-
amentals", so I leave the control room in the capable hands of Sam, the
janitor and cruise on down.
The lecture starts and goes ok, then there's a 10 minute period where students
get to ask a "real operator" questions that they have about operations.
I get out my pad and pen.
"Before we get started" I say, "could you just call out your username before
you ask me a question, I find it easier to apply your problem to terms you
would understand better"
The lecturer eats all this up - the personal touch really gets to them.
"First Question, You over there.."
"What do you think of the privacy of individuals on a shared system?"
"What was your username please?"
"CMS1103"
>Scratchy scritch<
"Computer Privacy... Hmmm. This is a toughy really. You mean stuff like
reading the email between you and your counsellor about you not wanting to
come out of the closet?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGH!"
"AH. Well, he seems to have left - must have picked a bad COMPLETELY RANDOM
example. Next question. You, over there..."
"CMS1136. I was.."
"Ah yes, 1136 the only person on campus who subscribes to alt.sex.buggery.by.
sailors.dressed.in.mums.clothing"
"It's purely for research purposes!"
"I'm sure it is. You do a lot of story posting for a researcher don't you?"
"NNGggggAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHGH!"
"Next please..."
...
..
Two minutes later, the lecture theatre's empty.
That's the problem with students today, they just don't want to learn.
I go back to control and Sam's asleep at the console again. I think he's
after my job. I make a mental note to tap into the salary database and
cancel his health and accident insurance payments. You can't be too careful..
I put the phone on the hook for the first time this afternoon and it starts
ringing almost immediately. THAT'S IT! I redirect it to 911 catch a bit of
shuteye. That'll teach them. OOPS! Almost forgot to turn over the excuse
calendar. "STATIC FROM NYLON UNDERWEAR" Nope, too plausable - although in
some cases I could do an on-site check. Nah, can't be stuffed. I'll pick
another one. "STATIC FROM PLASTIC SLIDE RULES" Now THAT'S one with a
challenge!
I un-redirect the phone and drag the rubbish bin so it rests on the printer's
stacker - another job well done. The phone rings - this could be the big one!
"Hello?"
"Hi, Um, how do I spell-check my file?"
"Simple, just type `spell' and the filename"
"Thanks"
I'm so bloody nice this morning. Especially as I know that my version of spell
introduces errors instead of detecting them. Things like changing friend to
freind and vice-versa. What the hell.
The phone rings - it's them again.
"There's something wrong with spell"
"What makes you think that?"
"Because my file is all corrupt now!"
"That doesn't sound like spell to me. Are you logged into thru PC?"
"Yes, but I can.."
"Please, leave the technical diagnosis to me... Now, is there a plastic ruler
somewhere on or in the desk?"
"Um >clunka<, yes..."
"Right. You've got a static buildup on your hard-drive caused by the changing
electrostatic field generated by the ruler - the same one that makes bits of
paper stick to it when you rub it up and down your arm..."
DUMMY MODE ON
"Oh. What do I do?"
"You know how you get paper off a ruler by hitting it on a table lots of times?
Well do that with your PC. Say 20 times - lift it about a foot off the desk &
drop it."
"Oh. OK"
>crash<
>crash<
>crash<
"Um, the screen went dark"
"That's ok, it's supposed to do that - keep going. And when you're finished,
do the screen as well, that static may have gone up the wires to it."
>crash<
>crash<
>crash<...
I hang up. I get up and go out to the public area to put honey in the floppy
drives when a guy who looked like Lee Harvey Oswald runs up to me and shoots
me, only the sound comes from the machine room, and I can hear the ex System-
Managers chuckle....
Later, in the ambulance, I realise. I forgot to get the guys username...
Then everything goes dark
spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL LIVES! #11
The darkness cleared as we got out of the tunnel and it occurred to me that
I couldn't be all that injured. Then again, maybe I was. Someone was going
to p..
I died.
Of course, a true BOFH considers this not really as dying, but more of going
home for the holidays.
Five seconds later, I'm getting the upside of 15Kv across the nipples. (These
ambulance guys sure know how to party).
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL LIVES!
Three weeks later I'm back on my backside and feeling rested at relaxed behind
the console again. The rest has done me good, I feel *great!*. I catch up on
everyone's email then let the students know I'm back by performing an impromptu
preventative maintenance in the middle of lab time by kicking the restart
switch (They love it really)
I flip today's excuse card, "GLOBAL WARMING" YES YES YES! What a welcome
home!
It's the end of the month so all those automatic email reminder programs will
be sending messages all over the place. I set the system clock back 7 days
to buy some peace and quiet and swap the printer ribbon for the three year old
one with holes in it.
I sort through my snail mail and crack open the BOFH Monthly Newsletter,
"kill -9" and check out the articles therein. There's a nice peice of making
OS2 slow, boring and painful, but it looks exactly like the OS2 installation
instructions to me... Ah, who knows. I head straight to the BOFH Wizard
section to see if any of my articles were published. All of them!!! Even
the one about the c compiler that randomly removes one line from the source
code it's compiling!
The phone rings.
"The Screen on my PC is blank!!!"
"It's the power cord" I say
"No, I checked that. When I switch it on, it does nothing!"
"It's the power cord" I say
"No, I checked and it's all plugged in properly. There's no lights on the
keyboard or anything"
"It's the power cord" I say
"Oh. I just noticed, the cord's not plugged in properly!"
"The power cord?" I ask
"Yes... Woopsy"
"No worries at all" I say "Is it all working well now?"
"Yes, I think so. I'm sorry, you WERE right all along"
"Yes, we're getting a lot of this, it's due to the current Global Warming
problem. It causes random thermal expansion and contraction resulting in
temperature induced movement of friction based holding mechanisms.."
I listen carefully. Nothing. In other words, <DUMMY MODE ON>...
"You can fix it permanently tho'" I say
"Really? How?"
"Well it's all to do with lowering salt deposits on the metal contacts"
"Oh!" (Dummy mode irrevocably engaged)
"All you need to do is just take the power plug out deposit some dilute mineral
salts on it. Do you have some dilute mineral salts on you?"
"Uh, no?"
"Ok, no worries, just stick it in your mouth drool into it. But make sure you
wipe the plug first to get rid of any germs, and TURN THE SWITCH OFF ON THE
MONITOR before you do - we don't want a nasty accident!
"Oh. Ok!"
>Fzzzt< >clunk!<
I hang up as the receiver hits the floor. Disk space is too good for them.
spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #12
I get to work and I'm a bit tired so I plug a thick hunk of copper across
the three phase supply and throw the switch. The room is plunged into
darkness as the circuit breakers trip and for once the machine room is silent.
I like it.
I pop the phone off the hook and close the curtains on the observation window.
Now it's *really* dark in there. I wouldn't be surprised if someone had an
accident in here..
I lift a couple of floor tiles up in the darkness and call our maintenance
contractors saying the mini popped the breaker again, then replace the fuses
in it with a couple of nails and short the power supply to ground. You can't
just hope for this sort of thing, you've got to MAKE it happen.
15 minutes later the engineer arives and falls down the hole. I pop the floor
tiles back on just as the System Manager (a new and very thorough individual)
comes in, telling me to watch out, someone could really hurt themselves in the
dark...
I nod & tell him that we can't really afford all the downtime, and should I
just throw the breaker and hope that there was no major fault. After thinking
about the negative publicity we're getting already, he makes the last decision
of his short career and tells me to go ahead.
Later, when the smoke clears I examine the smoking remains of the mini. Not
a pretty sight...
"Strange that the breaker jammed shut, isn't it?" I say to our manager as he
packs up the personal things in his office. "One in a million chance. A pity
that someone saw what you did and posted the whole story to comp.misc. You'll
be lucky to get a job managing a car computer after all that publicity..."
I go back to the machine room and throw the rest of the breakers to liven
everything up, then login and start deleting users' email. I spot an
interesting off-the-record sexual proposition from our male consultant to a
member of the men's swim team which will make a good motd, so I copy it there,
modify root's owner name to be "Winker" and password to be "ljkadlkajflkj"
(then call the big boss to report a suspected intrusion). Should be at least
a couple of hours of login time before we can sort that out. In the meantime,
people are just going to have to read that message...
I realise the message has been read when I hear the gunshot from behind the
consultant's closed door.
I edit the online helpdesk information and change the phone number to the
System Manager's - he'll probably appreciate the extra calls at such a sad
time...
I hear another shot and realise he won't be answering any calls today.
I put the phone back on the hook and flip today's excuse card. "Poor power
conditioning". Too plausible. "STATIC BUILDUP". Still a bit too plausible
for my liking, but I don't want to run out of cards before the end of the
year, so I decide to run with it.
The phone rings almost as soon as I've got "Top Gun" in the video machine so
I pause the video and put the phone on hands-free.
"I think I've bought a bad floppy disk"
"Yes?" I wonder if I've suddenly become the consumer's watchdog?
"Well, I've got this disk and it won't format. All the others in the box did
so I thought I must have a bad disk"
"Why are you calling me about this?" I ask
"Well, the disk says guaranteed; where do I go to get a replacement?"
Ah! Of course.
"Well, let's see. Are you sure it's the disk, and not just some problem with
static buildup?"
"Huh?"
"Static Buildup, you know, static electricity that's passed from you to the
computer"
"But I'm wearing a wrist strap!"
Around about now I realise I'm deep in dweeb country. Wrist straps aren't
fashion accessories in my part of town...
"Of course you are, but your average wrist strap has a 1 meg resistor in
series with it, a *really* poor earth. What you need is a direct earth
connection. Hang onto the frame of something that's earthed properly."
"What, you mean like our stainless steel bench?"
"Excellent. Now, have you got a paper clip to discharge the static with?"
"Hang on. Yeah"
"Ok, with your other hand, poke the clip thru the ventilation holes at the back
of the unit, and just touch the contact at the end of the thick red wire."
"The one going to the power supply?"
"Yep, that's it"
"....Hey, isn't that the li... >kzzzzt!< >clunk<"
Another call solved by the helpdesk from hell...
spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #13
I'm busy with my new shell replacement login script, and it's almost foolproof.
Let's just say it pops up with:
"Yes means No and No means Yes. Delete all files [Y]? "
upon login. I'm really starting to worry about the number of account breakins
we've been having recently.... The manager isn't though. His main concern
appears to be the number of computer-related fatalities on campus. Funny
world, isn't it?
I flip the excuse card. "DOPPLER EFFECT" Sounds implausible enough that it's
plausable - with a little work of course.
The phone, the bane of my existance, rings.
"Hello, Computer Room" I say, being helpful
"Is this the Technicians?" The caller asks.
Amazing the number of deaf people that use these things. What the hell, I'm
bored..
"Yes it is" I lie (Nixon could've done with me)
"I've got a problem with my floppy drive, it doesn't seem to be reading all
the time"
"Hmmm. How old is the drive?"
"About a year.."
"And it sometimes fails and sometimes works, but it's starting to fail more
and more?"
"YES!"
"Yeah, it's the Doppler effect of magnetism.."
"I thought that only happened with light and sound?"
>Bullshit mode ON<
"Yes, well it's been found that on a spinning surface, like a disk, the
particle's magnetic alignment changes, especially when the head is stationary
and slightly magnetised in respect to it."
"Duh. Oh"
"So, what you need to do is to demagnetise the head. Have you got a disk head
demagnetising loop?"
"Uh.... No?"
"OK, we'll have to do it the hard way. Have you got your original diskettes
for your software?"
"Yeah."
"Right, chuck them in the drive, one by one, and format them."
"WHAT?!"
"Don't worry, it won't work - remember the drive is failing. All that happens
is that the virgin magnetic field of the disks realigns the magnetic field of
the head, because they weren't written by a doppler effected drive."
"Oh, yeah!"
"So, when it gives you a write error and asks if you want to continue, you
say yes. Do it with all your original diskettes, then, to complete the
demagnetising process, run a head cleaning diskette through the drive as
well, which will pick up the stray magenetic particles clinging to the head."
"Oh. Ok. Thanks"
"Don't thank me - IT'S MY JOB"
I put the phone down, it rings again. It's the big boss.
"Simon, could you come to my office please?"
>ALERT!<
Quick as I can, I press the panic button on our LAN-Analyser, or to be more
precise, the "Generate 90% random traffic" button
"Sure, would you like me to come now, or..
The other phone rings. I chuck it on hands free
"Hello, Computer Room, Simon Here, How can I help?"
"THE NETWORK IS DOWN, ALL OUR PCS HAVE SHIT THEMSELVES!" the voice on hands
-free screams into the mouthpeice of the other phone
"I see" I say calmly "Yes, our Monitor shows it up, it looks to be a bad
segment of thinwire - please hold the line while I unplug it"
I press the "I just got a raise" button (AKA "Stop Traffic Generation") on the
Lan Analyser, and almost immediately the user shouts back "Excellent, it's
working now, thanks"
"That's ok, don't mention it. Have a nice day"
The big-boss has been listening to all this, so I reckon that the trip to his
office won't be so bad after all. I tell him I'll be right down as soon as
I secure the net and hang up. On the way down, I invent a new buzzword which
always keep management happy. Complete Transient Lockout. Sounds much better
than pulling the plug. Like Master-Reset sounds better than off-switch.
I get to his office and the staffing officer is there too. Uh-oh.
"Simon - How would you like to be our System Manager?"
?!!!
"Well... I don't know, I like that hands on.."
"Extra 10 grand a year, Varisty Car.."
"Monaro?"
"Ok"
"Sold!"
....And so ends the saga, as it should have at #10.
spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz
humor/COMPUTER/bofh.2
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #2
I'm sitting at the desk, playing x-tank, when some thoughtless bastard rings
me on the phone. I pick it up.
"Hello?" I say.
"Who is this?" they say
"It's me I think" I say, having been through a telephone skills course
"Me Who?"
"Is this like a knock knock joke?" I say, trying anything to save myself
having to end this game.
Too LATE! I get killed.
Now I'm pissed!
"What can I do for you?" I ask pleasantly - (one of the key warning signs)
"Um, I want to know if we have a particular software package.."
"Which package is that?"
"Uh, B-A-S-I-C it's called."
>clickety clickety d-e-l b-a-s-i-c.e-x-e<
"Um no, we don't have that. We used to though.."
"oh. Oh well, the other thing I wanted to know was, could the contents of
my account be copied to tape to I have a permanent copy of them to save at
home in case the worst happens.."
"The worst?"
"Well, like they get deleted or something..."
"DELETED! Oh, don't worry about that, we have backups" (I'm such a *shit*)
"What was your username?"
He gives me his lusername. (What an idiot)
>clickety clikc<
"But you haven't got any files in your account!" I say, mock surprise leaping
from my vocal chords.
"Yes I have, you must be looking in the wrong place!"
So first he spoils my x-tank game, and now he's calling me a liar...
>clickety click<
"Oh no, I made a mistake" I say
Did he mutter "typical" under his breath? Oh dear, oh dear..
"I MEANT TO SAY: That username doesn't exist"
"Huh? >wimper< It must do, I was only using it this morning!"
"Ah well, that'll be the problem, there was a virus in our system this
morning, the... uh... De Vinci Virus, wipes out users who are logged in
when it goes off."
"That can't be right, my girlfriend was logged in, and I'm in her account now!"
"Which one was that?"
He tells me the username. Some people NEVER learn..
"Oh, yeah, her account was just after we discovered the virus."
>clickety clikc< "..she only lost all her files"
"But..."
"But don't worry, we've got them all on tape"
"Oh, thank goodness!!!"
"Paper tape. Have you got a magnifying glass and a pencil. SEE YOU IN THE
MACHINE ROOM!!!! NYAHAHAHAHAHA!"
I'm such a prick!
spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
humor/COMPUTER/bofh.3
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #3
So I'm working so hard I barely have time to drive into town and watch a movie
before I told people their printing will be ready. The queue's WAAAAY too
long to have everything printed (and sorted) by the time I told them, so I
kill all the small jobs so there's only 2 left and I can sort them in no time.
Then, after the movie, (which was one of those slack Bertolucci ones that takes
about 3 hours till the main character is killed off in a visionary experience)
I get back and clear the printouts.
There's about 50 people waiting outside and I've got two printouts. That's
about average for me. I thought I'd killed more tho. Anyway, I put out
the printouts and walk slooowly inside, fingering the clipboard with "ACCOUNTS
TO REMOVE" in big letters on the back. No-one says anything. As usual.
. . .
I'm sitting back in the Operations Armchair, watching the computer room
closed circuit TV, which just happens to be connected to the frame-grabber's
Video player (sent off for repair, due back sometime in '94) when the phone
rings. That must be the 2nd time today, and it's really starting to get to
me!
"Yes?" I say, pausing the picture.
"I've accidentally deleted my C.V!" the voice at the other end of the line
says.
"You have? What was your username?"
He tells me. What the hell, I AM bored.
"Ah no, you didn't delete it - I did."
"What?"
"I deleted it. It was full of shit! You didn't ever get more than a B- in
any of your subjects!"
"Huh?"
"And that crap about being a foreign exchange student, that was your girlfriend
and we both know it."
"Huh?!!"
"Your academic records. I checked them, you were lying.."
"How did y.." He clicks. "It's you isn't it? THE BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL!"
"In the flesh, on the phone and in your account.... You shouldn't have called
you know. You especially shouldn't have given me your username.." >clickety<
>click< "Neither should you have sent that mail to the System Manager telling
him what you think of him in graphic terms..."
"I didn't send any.."
>clickety< >click<......
"No, you didn't did you? But who can tell these days. Not to worry though,
It'll all be over VERY soon.." >clickedy clikc< "..change my username back,
and..."
"b-b-b.." he blubs, like a stood-up date
"Goodbye now" I say pleasantly, "you've got bags to pack and a life to start
over..."
I hang up.
Two seconds later the red phone goes. I pick it up, it's the boss.
He mumbles the username of the person I was just talking to, mentions something
about a nasty mail message, and utters the words "You know what to do...", with
the dots and everything.
Later, inside the Municipal Energy Authority Computer, as I'm modifying the
poor pleb's Energy Bill by several zeros, I can't help but think about what
lapse of judgement - what act of heinous stupidity causes them to call.
Then, even later, when I'm adding the poor pleb's photo image over the top
of the FBI's online "MOST Wanted Armed and Dangerous, SHOOT ON SIGHT" offenders
list, I realise, I'll probably never know; but life goes on.
A couple of hours later, as I see the SWAT vehicle roll up outside the poor
pleb's apartment I realise that for some, it just doesn't.
But tommorrow is another day.
spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
humor/COMPUTER/bofh.4
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #4
It's a thursday, and I'm in a good mood. It's payday. I think I'll take
some calls. I put the phone back on the hook. It rings.
"I've been trying to get you for hours!" the voice at the other end screams
"Not, it can't be hours" I say, putting Blade Runner back into it's cover
and looking at the back, "it was more like 114 minutes. I was on a long phone
call with the big boss, trying to get you users some better facilities"
Hook; Line; and Sinker...
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"That's ok, I'm a tolerant person" I make a mental note to change his password
to something nasty in the next couple of days.
"Um, I need to know how to rename a file" he says.
Oh dear... Hang on, it's payday isn't it?! I'm in a good mood.
"Sure. You just go 'rm' and the filename"
"Thanks"
"No worries" (Now I'm in a REALLY good mood. I think I just might write that
script to make saving impossible on rogue at random times like I've been think-
ing about)
The phone rings again.
"Hello?"
"Hi there" I say
"Is this the Operators?"
"Yes it is" I say, nice as pie
"Could you get my printouts out please. I need them urgently, and I printed
them over 5 minutes ago"
"Your username?" I ask
He gives it to me, and I write it down for later. "No worries at all!" I say,
and head to the printers.
There's a HUUUUUUUGE pile of printouts there, and sure enough, his is at the
top of the pile. I pick it up, split it out of the rest and pour our ink-
stained cleaning alcohol all over it, run it over a couple of times with the
loaded tape trolley then slam it in the tape safe door some times as well.
Beautiful.
"Here's your printout" I say "Sorry about the delay, we've got a few printer
problems."
He takes a look and shits himself.
"Well, can I print it again?" he asks, worried
"Sure you can" I say "But no promises, the printer's a bit stuffed today"
"Well can I print it on laser - is that working?"
"Yeah of course, but that'll cost you" I say, oozing compassion for the geek
"It doesn't matter about the cost, THIS IS URGENT!"
I slide-on back into the printer room and put in the toner cartridge we save
for special occasions - the one that prints thick black lines down the middle
of the page and is all faint on one side. It took me quite a while to make it
like that too. The printout shoots through and I bring it out immediately -
I don't want to miss this!
"W-w-what's happened to my printout?" he geek-squeals at me.
Lucky I wrote that username down - I'm really starting to develop a taste for
torture.
"Well nothing. I mean sure, it's a little soiled, but that cartridge has
already done 47 thousand pages and been refilled 17 times. It's quite good
compared to some we get"
Geek pays up and starts blubbing.
"Hey now. There's no reason to cry! Have you got a disk with your work on
it?"
He gives me a box of diskettes and I step inside and run them across the bulk
eraser. I come back out again.
"Sorry, I just remembered, our machine is on the fritz, you'll have to take
these to the other side of campus to the machine there, it'll print them ok,
and it had a brand-new toner yesterday."
"GREAT!"
"No worries. Oh, and hold the disks above your head the whole way there, the
earth's magnetic field is particularly strong today."
"Huh?"
"No arguements, just do it."
He wanders off, hand held high. Shit I hate myself sometimes.
spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)

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