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//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\
- AN INVITATION FROM -
G D
GG DD
GGG DDD
GGGGG DDDDD
GGGGGGGG DDDDDDDD
GGGGGGGGGGG DDDDDDDDDD
GGGGG GG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG GG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG GG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG w w w DDDD DDDDD
GGGGGG GGGGGGGGG w w w w DDDD DDDDDD
GGGGG GGGGGGGGG w w DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG GGGG w w DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG GGGG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG GGGG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG GGGG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG GGGG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG GGGG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG GGGG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGGGGGGGG DDDDDDDDDD
GGGGGGGG DDDDDDDD
GGGGG DDDDD
GGG DDD
GG DD
G D
YOU are cordially invited to a gala celebration of the Fifth Anniversary of
The GREENY world Domination Task Force, Inc.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GGGGGGG DDDDD FFFFFFF 99 88
GG GG DD DD FF FF 9 9 8 8
GG DD DD FF 9 9 8 8
GG DD DD FF F EEEEE SSS TTTTTTT 999 88
GG GGGGG ww w ww aaaaaaa DD DD FFFFF EE SS S TT 9 8 8
GG GG ww www ww aa aa DD DD FF F EEEE SS TT 9 8 8
GG GG www www aa aa DD DD FF EE S SS TT 9 9 8 8
GGGGGGG w w aaaaaa a DDDDDD FFFF EEEEEE SSS TT 99 88
-+- The GwD Fifth Anniversary Party -+-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE FIVE Ws of GwaDFest98 (all of these are further elaborated upon below):
WHO: WE are throwing a party and YOU are invited.
WHAT: The FIFTH ANNIVERSARY of GwD
WHEN: GwD turns FIVE on June 10, 1998. A small-scale party will be
held for the elite dr00gs on that date. We'll most likely just \
drink highballs and go to the titty bar. But, a kick-ass
mutha-fuckin' par-tay will be held on June 19, 1998 (true to
form, we've procrastinated and this announcement is being
released only 10 days before the shindig, most likely assuring
low attendance of almost entirely local dr00gs).
open to the general public. So come on out and bring a friend.
WHERE: Marduk's house.
WHY: GwD is FIVE. It's also a chance to meet and mingle with fellow
dr00gs and dr00gettes. Aww yeah.
HOW: Take a bus, take a train, go and hop an aero-plane. Walk for
all I care...but you MUST be in attendance at the party, or
there will be hell to pay. Green Hell. And I'm not talking
about the Misfits' song, either.
<Explanation: A slight change in plans.>
We would have had the party on June 10 (which was the original plan), but due to
unforeseen circumstances in the personal lives of high-ranking GwD-Officials, it
has been postponed until June 19 and a smaller party will be held for just the
GwD big-wigs on June 10, 1998. Besides, the tenth is a WEDNESDAY, and who wants
to party on WEDNESDAY? Wednesday is HUMP day, a day for what its name implies.
So don't fret about the slight change in plans.
= WHO =
Invitors: The GwD High Council has been planning this event for months. Maybe.
Invitees: Anyone who receives this as an e-mail or sees this on the web is
hereby invited. Bring a friend or five.
= WHAT =
This will be the party to end all parties. We hope. Of course, the party is
BYOB and BYODF (Bring Your Own Damn Food). Bring other stuff if you must, but
please observe MODERATION because it's not our job to drive your drunk-ass home
and we sure as hell don't want anyone getting arrested. Basically, it'll be a
nice little gathering with an on-going, multi-authored text file being written
by those in attendance, courtesy of STM's laptop (a concept we're blatantly
ripping off from the DummerCon files by our pals over at doomed to obscurity).
Come for the fellowship, stay for the entertainment:
SEE the mighty HORSE IMPRESSION of Lobo Licious!
SEE the awesome THUMB-TWIDDLING of Seth The Man!
HEAR the TRUMPET SRYLINGS of Diamondback!
SEE and HEAR the rantings of PREACHER/PIRATE Yancey Slide!
SEE Bob the Master of the World BREAK THINGS while drunk!
SEE the dr00gan wimmen in a MUD-WRESTLING EXTRAVAGANZA!
(We still have to get them to agree to that last one.)
FEEL the AWESOME PRESENCE that IS Bill Hooper! (if he's not in India)
Bring your own unique talents or just bring your favorite GwD Propaganda for the
AUTOGRAPH SESSION which will follow the INVOCATION of GRENE!
= WHEN =
The affair will take place in the evening of June 19, 1998. Be there.
Or don't.
= WHERE =
Marduk's house. Marduk is Diamondback's cousin. He lives on a farm. He has no
nearby neighbors. We can have a loud drunken orgy! YAY!
(See "HOW" below for directions.)
= WHY =
Because Grene commands it. Don't fuck with the Goddess.
= HOW =
E-mail Seth The Man (seththeman@cyberdude.com) for directions to Marduk's
swingin' pad.
-*- GwD. We rock balls AND we're five. -*-
For more information regarding GwaDFest98, contact:
The GREENY world Domination Task Force, Inc.
http://gwd.snakeden.org/
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/2334/
ftp://ftp.etext.org/Zines/Greeny/
gwd@geocities.com
P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas - 79490
The GwD Task Force, Inc. - Bringing YOU All the Best in Absolute Crap Since 1993
***** copyright (c) MCMXCVIII GwD, Inc. *****
\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
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GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e ,
I n c o r p o r a t e d
G D
GG DD
GGG DDD
GGGGG DDDDD
GGGGGGGG DDDDDDDD
GGGGGGGGGGG DDDDDDDDDD
GGGGG GG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG GG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG GG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG w w w DDDD DDDDD
GGGGGG GGGGGGGGG w w w w DDDD DDDDDD
GGGGG GGGGGGGGG w w DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG GGGG w w DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG GGGG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG GGGG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG GGGG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG GGGG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG GGGG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGG GGGG DDDD DDDDD
GGGGGGGGGGG DDDDDDDDDD
GGGGGGGG DDDDDDDD
GGGGG DDDDD
GGG DDD
GG DD
G D
Presents:
"The First GwD Special Issue"
also known as
"GwD and 1996"
Release Date: 12.31.95
-=( Table of Contents )=-
1. Gatherings
2. Releases
3. Other Neat Stuff
4. End Stuff
-=( stentnoC fo elbaT )=-
/----------\
< GaThErInGs >
\----------/
In 1996 GwD plans to reinstitute its monthly gathering policy. Here are *very*
tentative plans for gatherings and dates if they're known. Other dates will be
set closer to the actual time.
January - Beginning of spring semester party thing.
February 14 - Valentine's Day. Redd's Holiday. Get together and boycott it.
March - Spring Break. Week long party. Heh. Miniature golf one night, really.
April - Venture out to the S00PER-D00PER store(s), K-Mart and/or Wal-Mart.
May - End of school. Celebration of graduation and penetration. Yeah.
June - Go out for pizza. A classic GwD get-together.
July - Hellraiser marathon. The ORIGINAL GwD GATHERING. A must for all droogs.
August - End of summer party-thing. Yay.
September - Star Wars marathon. Another classic.
October 31 - Halloween. Trick-or-treat-ing? Talk to Lobo.
November - Thanksgiving. Get together and thank Grene for k-neat stuff.
December - Xmas Fest! (Also go to HoHoCon, if you can, if there is one.)
(All dates and "themes" subject to change without notice, though we'll probably
let you know cuz you're so damn special.)
/--------\
< Releases >
\--------/
These dates are really tentative, except the first one. (It's not tentative for
obvious reasons.) Question marks signify that we don't know exactly which files
will be out when. Yeah.
Date Files Released
---- --------------
1-1-96 gwd&1996.txt
2-1-96 gwd51-55
6-1-96 ????????
10-1-96 ????????
11-4-95 ???????? (GwD Election Special)
12-31-96 or 1-1-97 gwd&1997.txt, ???????
Another note about releases: there will be no releases if there aren't
submissions. That isn't to say that GwD will die (it won't). It's just that
I never again want to release files like 24-29 that I'm not especially proud of
that were written just to have files. Please submit, even if it's crap. I most
likely won't publish it if it's crap, but submit it anyway. No song lyrics
(that was a dumbass idea of mine) or stupid transcriptions of comedy acts (thank
Grene I never was desperate enough to publish THAT submission). Poetry is
accepted, but only if it's really good. Yeah. Ain't I a bitch? Thanks in
advance for any submissions.
/----------------\
< Other Neat Stuff >
\----------------/
i. Items in the GwD catalog will actually exist!
ii. GwD now has a page on the WWW. Yay. See the end of this file.
iii. GwD60 will (probably) come out! For those who haven't read gwd50, check
this out:
COMINGSOONCOMINGSOONCOMINGSOONCOMINGSOONCOMINGSOONCOMINGSOONCOMINGSOONCOMINGSOON
! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? !-<S * A * T * A * N>-? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ?
666 666 666
666 666 666 /---\
666 666 666 |[_]| /--\
666 666 666 | | |[]|
666 666 666 | | | |
666 666 666 | | | |
666 666 666 | |____ ____| |
666 666 666 | | | | |
666666666666 666666666666 666666666666 /| | | | |
666 666 666 666 666 666 / | |
666 666 666 666 666 666 < {| |
666 666 666 666 666 666 \ |
666 666 666 666 666 666 \ |
666 666 666 666 666 666 \ |
666 666 666 666 666 666 \ /
666666666 666666666 666666666 \-------------/
"Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast:
for it is the number of a man; and his number *is* Six hundred threescore and
six." - Revelation 13:18.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
$ * $ * $ * $ * $ * $ * $ * $-<G + R + E + N + E>-* $ * $ * $ * $ * $ * $ * $ *
555555555555 555555555555 555555555555 /---\
555 555 555 |[_]|
555 555 555 | | /--\
555 555 555 | | |[]|
555 555 555 | | | |
555 555 555 | | | |
555 555 555 ____| |____| |
555555555555 555555555555 555555555555 | | | | |
555 555 555 /| | | | |
555 555 555 / | |
555 555 555 < {| |
555 555 555 \ |
555 555 555 555 555 555 \ |
555 555 555 555 555 555 \ |
555 555 555 555 555 555 \ /
555555555 555555555 555555555 \-------------/
"Here is knowledge. Let he who hath understood the rest of what I've said count
the number of Green: for it is the number of a mortal; and the number is Five
hundred twoscore and fifteen." - KeyLime 18:13.
================================================================================
Learn about the trinity of Grene and why five is so damn important!
Be on the lookout for GWD60.TXT, the Book of KeyLime, available soon from GwD!
================================================================================
/---------\
< End Stuff >
\---------/
/-----------------------***** GwD Propagandists *****--------------------------\
| Lobo - Seth Sometimes - The Lizard King - Spanky McDougal, Sir! - Sir Flea |
| Zippy - Aracnia - Zen - Trojan-Man - fastjack - Diamondback - Bill Hooper |
| Lasher - Mogel |
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------/
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)###-####
SysOp-Seth Sometimes (Mission Control, down until further notice)
GridPoint Durant (405)920-1347
SysOp-TransDerm-Nitro (First Conquest)
Purple Hell (806)791-0747
SysOp-Acid Warlock
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779
SysOp-Diamondback (Temporary Mission Control)
Pirate's Cove (806)795-4926
SysOp-Izzy
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948
SysOp-Longshot
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259
SysOp-Brazen (Eastern Outpost)
Psycho's Chiropractic Institute
(806)794-1438
SysOp-Psychosomatic Illusion
The Sprawl (806)797-0820
SysOp-Chiba
The Lagoon (914)638-3712
SysOp-Maximum Overdose (Middle Eastern Outpost)
Altered Reality (203)925-8349
SysOp- Zap (North Eastern Stronghold)
Cell Block 4 (214)612-8694
SysOp-LithoTripter/Wizard of Id (Salad Stonghold)
Static Line (806)747-0802
SysOp-Xenocide
The Petting Zoo (806)784-0295
SysOp-The Lizard King
*%*%*%*%*%*%*%*%*%*%*%*%*%*
'Information Super Highway' Command Centers:
for Drive By Shootings (via FTP):
ftp.etext.org /pub/Zines/Greeny
ftp.fc.net /pub/deadkat/misc/GwD
or
for Car-Jacking (via WWW):
http://www.geopages.com/Athens/2334/index.html
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"HeLL yEAH!#@!#!@ EyE g0Tz a MuTHApHuCKiN' G1RLeE tEw SkREW" - Mogel in HoE #80
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-+- F Y M -+-
<-+- A S M D -+->
GR33NY LIK3S mash3d p0tat03s
/---------------\
copyright (c) 1995 by GwD, Inc. :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo : GwD :
All rights reserved \---------------/
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD&1996
magazines/GWD/gwd-fpq.txt
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GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e ,
I n c o r p o r a t e d
_____ ____
// | \
|| ____ | || |
|| || \ / | || |
\\___// \/\/ |____/
Presents:
"GwD-FPQ"
Frequently Posed Queries
Q=Query -+- A=Answer
Q: What is this whole GwD thing, anyway?
A: GwD is a paramilitary fanatical political activist group dedicated to
making GREENY, son of the goddess Grene, Emperor of the world.
Q: So are you political or religious?
A: We're pseudo-political AND quasi-religious. After all, politics and
religion are the same thing. Pray to the President and vote for God.
Q: What do you do?
A: We publish an e-zine and we raise hell. We used to write stupid programs,
but we quit. Basically, we plan for world Domination and we have fun doing
it.
Q: Who's Grene? I've never heard of her.
A: Grene is the Goddess of all that is green and good. Read _The Book of
KeyLime_.
Q: Are you better than me?
A: Yes, unless you're in GwD.
Q: Who's in GwD now?
A: There is no longer a comprehensive list of members because there are so
many. Anyway, the dr00gs (as members are called) don't matter much anyway,
Unless they have their GwD membership cards, which only a few do. The real
power lies with the Propagandists (those who write for us):
Yancey Slide (formerly Spanky McDougal, Sir!)
Sir Flea
Zippy
Aracnia
Zen
Trojan-Man
fastjack
Bill Hooper
Lasher
Mogel
Izzy (the only Propagandist who earned the title for
something other than writing - he is our resident
graphics man)
K2
Carson
and the GwD High Council, comprised of the Type of Guys
Top Worshipper Type of Guy- Lobo
Top Dog Type of Guy- Seth The Man
Top Organizer Type of Guy- Ratt Fink
Worshipper Type of Guy- Diamondback
Dog Type of Guy- TransDerm-Nitro
Organizer Type of Guy- The Lizard King
who (with the exception of Ratt Fink and TransDerm) are all Propagandists
as well. fastjack is the leader of GwD military forces and GenAerik is
head of all Special Forces.
Q: Do members get special priveleges?
A: Yes, after we assume control, all members will comprise the GwD Council
which will handle the day-to-day ruling of the world. Also, there's a
health plan. If you write for us, you are eligible for our dental plan.
Q: Your handles don't mean anything to me. Who are you *really*?
A: Really? We're just a bunch of high school and/or college geeks who have
no respective lives so we've come together and we share a collective one.
The High Council rotates possession of it. Lobo gets it on Mondays, STM
gets it Tuesdays, and so on. Sunday, it is thrown to whatever Propagandist
has written most recently.
Q: Why should I join, other than the special priveleges?
A: Men: Chicks dig guys in GwD. Ladies: You will learn all about Grene's
sex-magic that will drive any man insane with lust for you. Everybody:
the time for world Domination is now...reserve your seat on the Revolution
Roller-Coaster NOW!
Q: How do I join?
A: Either e-mail Lobo or send mail to our P.O. Box (listed at the end of this
file) containing one American dollar for your neato-keen membership card.
You should probably give your name, as well.
Q: How do I e-mail Lobo?
A: Lobo can be reached at an47751@anon.pent.fi.
Q: Why should I care what Lobo's e-mail address is?
A: He's the editor. Submit to him. Submit articles for the 'zine, that is.
Q: How do I get copies of GwD - the 'zine, of course, not the group itself?
A: They're available on several BBSes (called Command Centers) and on a few
ftp sites. You can write to the P.O. Box and get the issues on disk for
a small fee. While you're at it, why not send an SASE and get our mail
order catalog. It's chock full of k00l stuff like audio tapes, video
tapes, tee-shirts, membership cards, and even stickers.
Q: Why should I listen to you about anything?
A: Because we are the self-proclaimed authorities on everything. You will
submit to our will, or we will crush your skull beneath the heels of our
mighty boots like we do with the other infidels.
Q: What does "Fight The Power" mean?
A: The "Power" is whatever's in charge. The slogan is left over from our
blatant anti-governmental days. Basically, it just sounds cool. It's
sort of a bastardization of "Question Authority", which sounds kinda cool
too. Hmmm....
Q: Who the hell do you think you are, anyway?
A: We're GwD. Stoopid.
-----------------------------<GwD Command Centers>------------------------------
Chaos (806)###-#### | Pirate's Cove (806)799-3978
GridPoint Durant (405)920-1347 | PCI (806)792-2902
Purple Hell (806)791-0747 | The Lagoon (203)638-3712
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779 | Altered Reality (203)925-8349
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948 | Cell Block 4 (214)612-8694
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259 | Static Line (806)747-0802
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ftp =-= ftp.etext.org /pub/Zines/Greeny
ftp.fc.net /pub/deadkat/misc/GwD
www -=- http://www.geocities.com/Athens/2334/index.html
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 *
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Ask me no more questions, I'll tell you no more lies."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-+- F Y M -+-
GR33NY LIK3S mash3d p0tat03s
/---------------\
copyright (c) 1996 by of GwD, Inc. :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo : GwD :
All rights reserved \---------------/
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD--FPQ
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G R E E N Y world D O M I N A T I O N
Task Force
Presents:
The Story of GREENY
by Lobo
One day in Lubbock, TX not so long ago, Susan "Yellowie" Hagstrom was
sitting in her house doing the dishes when her boyfriend, James "Blewie"
Allen, happened by. Yellowie was shocked because her parents would *NEVER*
approve of her having a boy in the house, even if they were home, which they
were'nt. Blewie (I know it's not spelled like the color) took advantage of
her surprise, and shebecame pregnant. If you want to know the juicy details
of how: you're sick!! Nine months later, they had a son, who they named, you
guessed it, Jacob Allen! But, little did they know at this point that their
pride n' joy would some day become Emperor of the World.
GREENY, as he soon came to be called for obvious reasons, had a wonderful
childhood. He smiled! He laughed! He sat up by himself! He ate solid food!
He even shit his drawers! And these steps only took him the first twelve
years of his life! He then entered junior high, and had a relatively
uneventful seventh grade year. But, eighth grade was a different story. For
Christmas that year, he received a computer and a modem! But, not just any
computer and modem, a brand new Mac Plus, and a top of the line 2400 baud
modem! By Valentine's Day, he had learned some numbers to some local BBSes.
One of the first he called was Chaos (806-797-7501). He chatted with the
sysop, Seth The Man, when Lobo happened to be there abouts. The Main Man
chatted with GREENY as well, and learned some interesting things: 1. that
GREENY went to Frenship J.H.S.; and 2. that he was in the honor choir there.
Needless to say, Lobo was impressed. Lobo and Seth The Man return to our
story later.
A month later, at about St. Patrick's Day, GREENY put up his first
k-k00l Mac board, which was known as Mac Mayhem. He posted ads for it in all
CAPS on every sub of every board in town. But, sadly, we lost Mac Mayhem a
few weeks later. Undaunted, GREENY tried again. This time it was THE
UNDERGROUND, an all teen BBS. He again posted ads in all CAPS (only the great
ones use all CAPS), but this time he posted his NUP, which was SMARTONE, in
his ads, but no one was supposed to tell anyone. THE UNDERGROUND went down a
few weeks later, a terrible loss to the BBS community. GREENY tried again
with The Weather Board. It gave weather stats for all of the areas around
Lubbock. The Weather Board was even more short-lived than it's predecessors,
and we lost it soon after it went up. (Sob, Sob!) GREENY changed his handle
to Cosmic Thing, but he's still GREENY as far as GwD is concerned. He put up
another k-rad Mac board called Channel "Z", and again there were ads just
about everywhere. This time, to get people to call his board, he even added
war3z and c0d3z to his board to get people to call.
Their was a discussion about GREENY on Chaos, and Lobo decided that
GREENY should become Emperor of the World, and with the help of Seth The Man,
set up a sub to be the "newsletter" for the newly christened GREENY world
DOMINATION Task Force, a group whose only goal is to make GREENY become the
Emperor of the World. Lobo heads this organization, and the ranks are
displayed in GwD01.txt.
Anyone wishing to join GwD should e-mail Lobo with the NDP (New Droog
Password) which is SMARTONE, but don't tell anyone what it is! GREENY for
Emperor!!!!
note- This story is a fictional adaptation of GREENY's life. Though the main
points are the same, it should probably not be taken as the truth, though, I'm
not going to stop you if you want it to be the truth.
copyright (c)1993, by Lobo.
GREENY World Domination Task Force copyright (c)1993, by Lobo.
All rights reserved to the Great Green Guy. 02
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GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
G R E E N Y world D O M I N A T I O N
Task Force
Presents:
"War: A Costly Way to Solve a Problem"
by Lobo
The following paragraphs contain a brief synopsis of all of the wars (to
my knowledge) that the United States has ever participated in. I'm sorry if I
leave one out. All of the statements come from memory, so please forgive me
if I make an error. There are also statements of personal opinion involved,
so if you don't agree, then kindly disregard them.
First came the Revolutionary War (my history teacher likes to call it
"The War for Independence" like that justifies all of the lives that were
lost). We fought it to gain our independence from England (or Great Britain,
or whatever the hell you want to call it). Our army was poorly trained, so we
lost quite a few soldiers to more experienced British troops. However, they
marched in straight lines and red coats, so it was not at all hard for our
snipers to eliminate many of them as well. A nice game of chess may have
solved the problem, and it certainly would've saved thousands of lives.
Then came the War of 1812. It seems that the British Navy was impressing,
or taking hostage, our sailors and forcing them to work on English
ships. So, we passed the Embargo Act to not trade with Britain until they
stopped, which only hurt our country. Many people on both sides of this
conflict died, and the war didn't even really accomplish anything. The
British were supposed to withdraw all of their forces from North America, but
the U.S. Army could hardly back that up. Also, the British were to stop
impressing our sailors, but our Navy was no match for theirs, so we couldn't
enforce that either. Basically, conditions returned to the way they were
before the war.
The Mexican War came next. It basically happened because of the
annexation of Texas. Mexico got pissed off because we annexed Texas when
Mexico did not consider Texas to be independent, even though it had been
independent for quite some time. Anyway, many people, both Mexican and
American, died and all we got out of it was some land (Colorado, Arizona,
etc.). Kind of silly if you ask me.
Next, we had The Civil War, or as my history teacher called it, "The War
Between the States." Whatever you call it, it was a bloody war where the dead
of both sides were American. The purpose of this war was to make the South
realize that it couldn't do what it wanted, like have slaves, etc. Though the
North "won" the war (there are only degrees of losing in a war) and freed the
slaves, the South was treated as conquered territory, and even now, more than
125 years later after the war's end, blacks are still persecuted in some parts
of the country.
In the late 1800's/early 1900's, came the Spanish-American War. I'm not
too sure of the reasons behind this war, but the U.S. defeated the Spanish and
made them give up all of their colonies, but only after thousands of Spaniard
and American soldiers and sailors had perished.
World War I came in the nine-teen teens, because some German guy
assassinated some prince, and the Austrio-Hungarian Empire and the Ottoman
Empire involved themselves in a bloody war that was the first to use aircraft.
Soon, all of Europe was taking sides in the conflict, and inevitably, a few
years later, the United States entered the war. The allies of the U.S.
(France, England, etc.) were known as The Allies, and the Allied forces
defeated the enemy with much loss of life in the militaries of both sides.
Germany and its allies received penalties like no army, strict trade
regulations, etc.
An Austrian named Adolf Hitler rose to power in Germany by somehow
convincing the people that foreigners in general and Jews in particular were
the cause of all of Germany's problems. What a crock of shit. Hitler's
political party, the Nazis, rounded up young men to serve in the army. The
army gathered and forced millions of Jews into concentration camps, where some
were used as slave laborers, and between 3 and 6 million were executed.
Meanwhile, Germany invade Poland, and the other nations of the world loooked
the other way. Then, Italy and Japan joined forces with Germany in the Axis
Pact. France and Britain had had enough by this point, and they decalred war
on Germany. Together, Germany and Italy conquered all of Europe except for
Engalnd (it's on an island) and Switzerland. Japan attacked the United States
so we could not help our allies in Europe. Allied forces stormed the beach at
Normandy, France as Russian forces entered Eastern European countries that
were under Nazi occupation. They liberated concentration camps as they went,
but were too late for many Jews. The forces met in Berlin, and Hitler killed
himself when Allied forces were three blocks away. Gemany formally
surrendered shortly afterwards. With the European threat vanquished, the
Allies could turn their full attention to Japan. Japan held up a while
longer, but when the U.S. dropped two atomic bombs on two major Japanese
cities, Japan finally surrendered, only after millions of servicemen and
civilians lost their lives for their cause. Putting Hitler in prison or a
mental asylum in the beginning would have spared the world all of that
bloodshed.
Then came the "Korean Conflict". North Korea was taken over by
communists, and the South did not want to convert. The United States entered
the conflict on the side of the South because they had to "keep the world safe
for democrcy." The South never fell, and the North withdrew, after thousands
had died on both sides of this conflict.
Vietnam came next. France was already involved in Vietnam (it had been a
French colony), but it withdrew its forces shortly after the United States
became involved in the "Police Action" (as it was in Korea, Congress never
declared war in Vietnam, but whan that many people die in battle, it's a war).
Northern attacks, failed (and succeeded) Southern attacks into Northern
territory, and terrorism by the Viet Cong, a group of Southern Vietnamese
loyal to the North, killed hundreds of thousands of service-men (and
service-women) to die. Finally, after about 10 years, the United States
withdrew its troops from Vietnam, and the South fell shortly afterward.
Panama came late in 1989. We invaded a country that is not much bigger
than Lubbock County to arrest the dictator who had supposedly been smuggling
illegal drugs into the U.S., Manuel Noriega. Our losses were few, but
hundreds of Panamanian troops and civilians died in the invasion.
Then in 1990 came "Operation Desert Storm" or as the media liked to call
it "The War in the Gulf." Iraq had invaded and annexed its neighbor, Kuwait.
The United Nations passed resolutions which failed to get through to the Iraqi
government. So, on January 16, 1990, the combined air forces of the U.N.,
operating out of Saudi Arabia, started an air assault on Iraq, and
particularly its capital, Baghdad. Late in February, a ground force led by
U.S. troops entered Kuwait and took back the capital, Kuwait City, in four
hours. All of Kuwait was liberated in a few days. Many people died in the
battles of this war.
Last week, the United Statesfired 23 missiles at Iraq. The reason given
was that the Iraqi government may or may not have had a hand in several
assassination attempts on former-President George Bush when he visited Kuwait
last April. Another war with Iraq may be on the horizon. I hope not.
This file is dedicated to all of the men and women that have lost their lives
in armed conflict.
copyright (c) 1993, by Lobo
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993, by Lobo
All rights reserved to the Great Green Guy
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G R E E N Y world D O M I N A T I O N
Task Force
Presents:
"Rex et son ami Louis"
by Lobo
This story is about Rex et son ami Louis, or Rex and his friend Louis. I
took the names from to prominent figures in my church's conference, one was
the Bishop, the other is the District Superintendent. I dislike them both
because they messed with my church. But, that's another story. These guys
are in no way meant to represent the real Rex and Louis. Enjoy!
One day, Rex was walking down the street. He was joined by his friend
Louis. They decided to rob a convenience store. So, they stole their wives'
panty hose and put it on over their heads. of course, they had to take it off
of their wives first, if you know what i mean. <G>. Then, they stole their
sons' water machine guns. Now they were ready.
They approached the store with calculated effort. They entered. It was
a standard 7-11 with gas tanks outside and only one attendant. They pulled on
the panty hose so that no one could see their faces, and Rex told the
attendant to give them all the money in the store, while Louis removed
wallets, purses, jewelry, etc. from the customers and threatened to shoot them
with his water gun if they didn't stay down. Rex got the money from the
attendant, and then he told her that she had a nice ass as he felt it. Louis
pushed the muzzle of his "gun" into the back of a woman that had been crying.
Then, he spanked her to give her something to cry about.
Rex and Louis then got drunk on wine coolers that were in the store's
refrigerator. Then, Jim who had just come to the store for some milk duds
entered. Seeing the masked men with machine guns, he left hastily. A moment
later, he re-entered, but not as Jim. No, this time he was 'The Crusader from
Beyond'!
Let me tell you about 'The Crusader from Beyond'. He came to earth from
another dimension. He has the standard super hero powers (i.e.- heat rays,
strength, etc.), the only problem is that he doesn't know how to use them. He
is invulnerable to everything but bullets (go to his dimension to find out
why). 'The Crusader from Beyond' also has quite a dirty mouth, cussing almost
every sentence.
'The Crusader from Beyond' said to Rex and Louis, "You assholes wanna
mess with a store in my town? Bring it on, faggots!" They shot at him, but
it was with water guns, so they had no luck. He walked over and tied them
up. He then had his way with the clerk and all other females in the store,
regardless of age. There was a 76 year old grandmother and her five year old
granddaughter. "Just taking my payment for saving your lives," he said.
You probably think that I meant sex by 'he then had his way'. Well,
you're wrong. In his dimension, 'had his way' means something completely
different. It basically meant that he licked all of the toe jam out from
their feet and then sucked out their belly button lent through a straw.
Then he summoned the police, who wanted to know who had tied them up. No
one knew because the hero had left just after he made the telephone call. The
police also wondered what happened to the money. No one knew that either.
Jim had a new car the next week, though.
The moral of this story is: if you're gonna mess with 'The Crusader from
Beyond', you better use bullets.<G>
end-finis
-Lobo
From now on, every fifth file will have a list of all GwD members, so
here it is.
GwD Task Force Members:
Top Worshipper Type of Guy- Lobo
Top Dog Type of Guy- Seth the Man
Top Organizer Type of Guy- Sandman
Worshipper Type of Guy- Diamondback
Dog Type of Guy- Fastjack
Organizer Type of Guy- The Lizard King
Droogs-
Aerik Aeriksson
Aracnia
Big Man Joe
Hallucination
Kilroy
Transderm-Nitro
Sir Flea
Snotty
Periodically, there will also be a list of GwD Command Centers. If you
think that your BBS qualifies as a GwD Command Center, contact Lobo.
Gwd Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
Sysop-Seth the Man (Birthplace of GwD, Mission Control)
Gridpoint (806)763-4801
Sysop-Transderm-Nitro (First Conquest)
NOTE: Seth and I have gotten some criticism regarding these files, so I would
like to remind everyone that the purpose of these files is to have fun (for us
and the readers) and sometimes to inform you. If one person gets anything
from any of these files, I am satisfied.
Some say that these files are a ripoff of cDc. We do not believe that
they are, and we do not wish to take anything from cDc. There are many series
of text files that start out with a false premise. The first few are about
that, and then other text files are written that have nothing to do with the
title of the series. Every once in a while (it will be every ten files for
us) there is an update on the original topic. That is the format that GwD
will use.
-Lobo
copyright (c),1993 by Lobo
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c),1993 by Lobo
All rights reserved to that Jolly Good Fellow, Greeny!
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G R E E N Y world D O M I N A T I O N
Task Force
Presents:
"Quotes: Volume I"
by Lobo and Seth the Man
Here are some of our favorite quotes. We hope that you enjoy them as
well.
"I'm pretty cool, but I can't change the future."-Butt-Head, from MTV's Beavis
and Butt-Head.
"That is one big pile of shit."-Ian Malcolm, from the movie Jurassic Park.
"I need to make lots of money so I can buy something to eat. Eating brings
out the fun in me."-George Foreman.
"The body is from the dust and knows that it will return to the dust and so is
always in despair. The soul has always been there and will always be there and
so revels in that fact. So in truth, there is no good or evil, just body
and soul."-Seth the Man.
"Wooooo, I'm 3/Y+3."-Elite bastards.
"The Commodore 64 personal computer (more simply C64) is a powerful,
sophisticated, yet easy to use information processing system."-Page one of The
Commodore 64 User's Manual.
"I like to talkwith some old lover's ghost Who died before the god of Love was
born."-Love's Deitie, by John Donne.
"You know what I've dreamed about, you can supply the pleasure."-Frank, in The
Hellbound Heart by Clive Barker.
"Rule One in housebreaking: Never answer the telephone when you're in the
middle of a job. Who are you supposed to be for heaven's sake? Rule Two:
Preparation. Bring the right tools. Bring gloves. Try to have the faintest
glimmering of an idea of what you're about before you start dangling from
window ledges in the middle of the night. Rule Three: Never forget Rule Two.
Rule Four: Never stand where you can be photographed."-Dirk Gently, in Dirk
Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, by Douglas Adams.
"There was a discordant hum of human voices! There was a loud blast as of a
thousand trumpets! There was a harsh grating as of a thousand thunders! The
fiery walls rushed back! An outstretched arm caught my own as i fell,
fainting, into the abyss. It was that of General Lasalle. The French army
had entered Toledo. The Inquisition was in the hands of its enemies."-From
The Pit and the Pendulum, by Edgar Allan Poe.
"I don't give a shit about the Italian lira."-Richard M. Nixon.
"I would have made a good Pope."-Richard M. Nixon.
"How do you like that guy? Can't run six balls and he's President of the
United States."-Pool hustler Johnny Irish about Nixon.
"The arabs are a backward people who eat nothing but camel dung."-Winston
Churchill.
"Things have never been more like the way they are today in history."-Dwight
d, Eisenhower.
"When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it."-Clarence Darrow.
"Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan--a Mount Rushmore of incompetence."-David
Steinberg.
"What this country needs is more unemployed politicians."-Edward Langley.
"When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are
broken."-Benjamin Disraeli.
"I became a policeman because i wanted to be in a business where the customer
is always wrong."-Unnamed officer.
"Moral victories don't count."-Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower.
"A closed mouth gathers no feet."-Anonymous.
"I enjoy being a highly overpayed actor."-Roger Moore.
"Nothing is wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level
wouldn't cure."-Ross MacDonald.
"Parts of Texas look like Kansas with a goiter."-Unknown.
"In America, anyone can become president. That's one of the risks you
take."-Adlai Stevenson.
"There will be a rain dance Fiday night, weather permitting."-George Carlin.
"A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally."-Lillian Day.
"One man's folly is another man's wife."-Helen Rowland.
"The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing--and
then marry him."-Cher.
"I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now."-Anonymous.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
Europe."-Jackie Mason.
"It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as
children."-Kingsley Amis.
"I was toilet-trained at gunpoint."-Billy Braver.
"Give me a museum, and I'll fill it."-Pablo Picasso.
"If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding."-The teacher in Pink
Floyd: The Wall.
"It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced
the expression,'As pretty as an airport.' Airports are ugly. Some are very
ugly. Some attain a degree of ugliness that can only be the result of a
special effort. This ugliness arises because airports are full of people who
are tired, cross, and have just discovered that their luggage has landed in
Murmansk (Murmansk airport is the only known exception to this otherwise
infallible rule), and architects on the whole have tried to reflect this in
their designs. They have sought to highlight the tiredness and crossness
motif with brutal shapes and nerve-jangling colors, to make effortless the
business of separating the traveler forever from his or her luggage or loved
ones, to confuse the traveler with arrows that appear to point at windows,
distant tie racks, or the current position of Ursa Minor in the night sky, and
wherever possible to exposethe plumbing on the grounds that it is functional,
and conceal the location of the departure gates, presumably on the grounds
that they are not."-From The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul, by Douglas Adams.
"There is no such thing as lying. There are just different interpretations of
the truth. Some are very close to what actually happened, while others are
nowhere near it."-Lobo
"Woogie, woogie!"-Seth the Man.
"I feel better than James Brown. I feel better now."-Some Song.
"They might be big, they might be fake, they might be big big fake fake lies."
-They Might Be Giants, from the song They Might Be Giants.
"I'm not a cow."-Boffo.
"Yippie ki-yay, motherfucker!"-Bruce Willis, in Die Hard.
"Petey says you're a whore. Petey says you sucked his cat."Sekrut Squirrel,
from the song Petey.
"We're gonna kill you, you goddamn faggot, we're gonna kill you
motherfucker!"-Dead Kennedys, from the song Night of the Living Rednecks.
"Beep beep."-Tommy Lee Jones, in Under Siege.
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth the Man (Birthplace of GwD, Mission Control)
Gridpoint (806)763-4801
SysOp-Transderm-Nitro (First Conquest)
The Garden of Eden (8069748-0987
SysOp-Malachi
Federation Slayers' (806)799-1184
SysOp-Big Red Fed
copyright (c),1993 by Lobo and Seth the Man
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c),1993 by Lobo
All rights reserved
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G R E E N Y world D O M I N A T I O N
Task Force
Presents:
"Poor School Districts"
by Lobo
If you live in Texas, you have probably heard all of the crap about
public school re-financing. This file is not about which of the proposed
plans is better for our schools. It is about the fact that some school
districts don't need any more money, they need to learn how to spend what they
already have.
I live in Lubbock, TX, and I go to school in the Lubbock Independent
School Ditrict (LISD). For years, I have heard about the financial problems
of other school districts in our state. There are many proposed plans to take
money that would go to the 'rich' school districts and give it to the 'poor'
school districts. LISD, I believe, is somewhere in the middle, between the
two classifications. The most popular re-financing plan is known as the
'Robin Hood Plan' (stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, quite a
cliche). I just wanted to acquaint you with the situation in the state public
school system.
At my school, I am on the UIL Math and Science team. We go to other
schools on some saturdays, take some tests, and basically have fun running
around, causing trouble, then lying about who we are and which school we're
from. It's lots of fun. There were sixteen on the team from my school, two
from the seventh and fourteen from the eighth grade. Both of the seventh
graders and five of the eighth graders qualified to go to the state
competition in San Antonio. One seventh grader and one eighth grader could
not go. The other seventh grader subbed for his counterpart, while another
eighth grader subbed for her's. I was one of the eighth graders who got to
attend the competition.
One Friday, we all met at school as usual, only we brought the stuff we
would need at the competition and the stuff we would need for an overnight
trip. After lunch, we piled in to the Algebra teacher's van and headed for
the airport. We met two students from another school in our district and
their teacher at the airport. One of the students from the other school's
mother went along. We flew (on Southwest) to Dallas, had a twenty-minute
layover there, and went on to San Antonio. The school district payed for the
flight. We left the San Antonio airport in a van that the teacher had rented
(the Algebra teacher and the teacher from the other school were both with us),
even though LISD was paying the bill. We then drove to The Windham Hotel,
where we got three rooms. One for seventh and eighth grade girls/female
teacher/male seventh grader's mother. One for seventh grade guys/male
teacher. One four all four eighth grade guys. No one wanted to sleep in the
same bed. I got a bed, another guy got the other bed, one guy slept on the
floor, and the other guy slept on the chairs (don't ask how). Anyway, we got
up at five in the morning on Saturday, and went downstairs in the hotel. I
saw the bill, and the rooms were each a hundred dollars. LISD payed for them.
They gave us money for meals, $2.00 for breakfast and lunch, and $5.00
for the evening meal. After Saturday breakfast, it was off to the
competition. We could only take the test that we qualified in, so i only got
to take one. Some people took all four that were offered, some took three, so
I think that the average is about two tests to a person. After the tests, we
wasted about a whole tank of gas going to the San Antonio mall and returning
to where the competition was being held. Only two of our people placed, one
getting third place in number sense, and the other getting second place in
math. Then, it was back to the airport.
We flew home, and arrived at Lubbock International airport at about 11:00
pm on Saturday. I had fun on the trip, I'm not saying that I didn't. What I
am saying is that LISD probably spent around $1000 flying us all to San
Antonio and back for a competition where we didn't even really do very good.
Even though the one guy's mom payed for herself, that is a lot of money. I
got a weekend trip to San Antonio for about ten bucks, which is what I spent
at the mall. I just think that maybe LISD should spend their money on things
that are really needed, like text books that weren't written before I was
born, or desks that don't say something about how school sucked in '79 on
them. Oh well, that's just my opinion.
-Lobo
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth the Man (Birthplace of GwD, Mission Control)
Gridpoint (806)763-4801
SysOp-Transderm-Nitro (First Conquest)
Garden of Eden (806)748-0987
SysOp-Malachi
Federation Slayers' (806)799-1184
SysOp-Big Red Fed
copyright (c),1993 by Lobo
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c),1993 by Lobo
All rights reserved to The Green Wonder
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G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"THE
PRICE"
It was a time of magic were by the wave of a hand you could rule a
civilization. This is the time that Ender was from an orphan his mother died
when he was born; his father was killed in a battle before he was born. All
the people said he was an evil child; only one person thought that he was not
evil, that was the old man that was his mentor Talsu. He was a grumpy old man,
the people said that the only reason that he took Ender in was for a slave
(and they were right) but the old man was teaching Ender magic with Ender's
word that he would never leave the old man.That is what Ender did, he never
left the old man till the day that the old man told Ender to go to Rana a town
that was 23 miles a way it would take Ender a full days walk to get there.So
he left in the morning and he walked for for hours till he had a vision that
his master had sent him away for the reason that the village was going to be
burned to the ground. So Ender ran as fast as he could till he reached the
village it was on fire so he went to the old man's house the people that had
done this were still there. So he used what magic he knew to make the men go
away but thay just showed him what magic there greatest mage could do Ender
was nocked uncontscious and left for dead.
Ender woke up in a cave with all of the magic books that were in the old
man's house then he saw the old man on the ground motionless Ender wen't over
to the body and turned it over the old man's face was burned of.Ender then ran
out of the cave and pucked in the near by bushes. When he was done he wipedhis
mouth with his sleave and wen't back into into the cave so he dissided to
finish his teachings then he would take revenge for his masters death.
Several years later he hade finished his teachings he was a WARLOCK now
he knew every spell in all of the old man's books now it was time to take his
revenge.
He dissided to go after the mage firstit would be very hard to find him.
So he started at the closest town Canru. This he did the next morning It was
a long walk to Canru he reached Canru by nightfall. He got a room at an inn.
The morning was a warm one he walked to the house of the leader of the town
his name was Syter. Syter was a youthful man of 28 he was a powerful mage that
had a vision that Ender would visit him so he was ready to meet him at the
door . He invited Ender in by name,Ender was surprised so he wen't in slowly,
And then Ender asked Syterif he knew of the mage that helped burn down his
village. He said that he had herd that the mage was given a town by the name
of Kanri. Syter gave Ender a room to sleep and a whore to have his way with
for this Ender was thanckfulso Ender befriended Syter. In the morning Ender
gotgoing He saw a man by the side of the road Ender said hi to the man at that
moment the man got up and another man came out of nowhere the man by the side
of the road then "said give me all your gold and belongings and I may set you
free may"at that time Ender had had all he could take from them so he said "my
dear man you don't know what youare dealing with hear"the man said" what are
you a wizard or some thing?" Ender then said"I am not of sutch a low rank when
it comes to magic i am anever powerful WARLOCK!!!!" the man just said"there
are no more WARLOCKs In this world I was part of the group of people that
killed all of them. Then Ender said"then you will tell me where I can find all
of the people that were part of that group now will you?!?!?". The man just
terned to run the other man had allready ran into the woods so Ender would not
fallow him he would use this one to help him find every one that was envolved
in the death of his mentor. The man was just about to the edge of the forest
when AEnder used his magic to make the man fall to his knees he tryed to move
but it was no use Ender's power was to powerful Ender then made the manmove to
him in a most disrespectful way then Ender cast a spell on the man so the man
was under Ender's power And the only way to remove the spell was to kill the
man but Ender would never let that happen to his only link to his revenge.
They set camp in the forest as not to draw suspition and so the other man
could not find them. In the morning they set off to Asherwa that is where the
man said Ender could find the mage there. when they finaly reached Asherwa at
around noon the other man had allready been there so all the people were there
to see the last WARLOCK alive. The mage was there to meet Ender and to kill
him. The mage said "My dear boy why do you want to die like your mentor???".
Ender said "I will not die on this day, it is not my day to die: it is
your's!!!". The mage made the people leave. Ender was geting ready when the
mage attacked him with a mystic flame Ender was off guard he would neve let
that happen again. Ender attacked the mage with a bolt of lightning that the
mage tookbut with out sending Ender a surprise a virus that made Ender so sick
that he ran over to the mage and pucked on the mage and then Ender fell down
on the ground withn a thud. The mage was so happy that he called the people
back so he could show the people the death of the last WARLOCK the people
watched with intent eyes as the mage began the spell that would end Ender's
life....
End of Chapter 1: THE REST WILL COME LATER. I WANTED TO LEAVE YOU WANTING
MORE SO TELL LOBO OR ME, THE LIZARD KING, THAT YOU WANT MORE.
BY:The Lizard King <Zeke Valencia>
This file was written on a Commodore 64 that TLK found in his dumpster, using
Speedscript 2.0 and Omega Q II.
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth the Man (Birthplace of GwD, Mission Control)
Gridpoint (806)763-4801; node two `2400bps (806)763-5072,,22
SysOp-Transderm-Nitro (First Conquest)
Federation Slayers' (806)799-1184
SysOp-Big Red Fed
We lost the Garden of Eden because Malachi could not afford the phone bill to
keep it up.
copyright (c),1993 by The Lizard King
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c),1993 by Lobo
All rights reserved to Mr. Greeny
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G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"Sue of St. Louis"
by Lobo
Sue was a fine young woman of twenty-eight. She had no problems in her
life, except that she happened to be enjoying a long, relaxing stay at
Deerview Lunatic Asylum in St. Louis, Missouri. Her cell had a warning label,
on which was written, "CAUTION: violent response to all forms of treatment."
Sue enjoyed biting the attendants, and when she was not restrained, kicking
them and gouging their eyes out with her razor-sharp fingernails, which when
cut seemed to grow back overnight. One night however, she killed her
attendant. She took his keys, and let herself out of her restraints and her
padded cell. Sue killed four guards in her escape, and took their weapons.
After she left the grounds, she set forth on one of the bloodiest mass
murdering rampages in history, killing almost seven hundred people before she
was again brought to justice. How did one woman kill so many? Some say she
was a servant of Satan, possibly even his mistress. Others claim that she
gained the help of many hit-men. What really happened, though unbelievable,
is far more interesting than either of these scenarios.
There was a pumpkin, you see, that was normal in its childhood. When it
was cut from the vine, it began to develop powers, though. It was bought for
Halloween by a nice doctor who worked at the Ladue Home for the Criminally
Insane, just outside of St. Louis, which coincidentally was where Sue was
employed as a cook, curiously enough. The pumpkin, who now referred to itself
as "The Great Pumpkin" (no relation to Linus of the Peanuts's creation),
enjoyed its new home, until the day of the annual Halloween party. Sue was
given the job of carving the jack o' lantern, and just as she was about to
begin the electricity went out. She decided to carve it anyway, she had cut
in the dark before. Meanwhile, The Great Pumpkin started to glow. She
lowered the knife and it grew even brighter. So, she viciouslyhacked it to
pieces. Then, she ate its oozing insides, as she was soon to do with her
human victims. The Great Pumpkin's powers were now hers!
Sue learned to use her powers, by slaughtering the inhabitants and
employees of the Home. Some, she disemboweled with strange claws that grew
from her tongue. Others heads she opened, and licked their craniums clean.
Others still had their arms removed and were beaten to death with the bloody
stumps. Sue then left the premises, to wreak havoc on the midwestern
metropolis outside. She attacked schools, killing hordes of children.
Businesses were also pillaged, and many housewives were left crying in Sue's
wake. After seven hundred killings, the police cornered her.
Sue was killed by police gunfire exactly one year ago. She was buried,
and now rests in a fashionable cemetery in south St. Louis. Sue will never
kill again. But, the police left the ooze behind. When Sue was killed,
glowing yellow ooze streamed from all of the bullet holes. A glob of it was
collected, and placed in a nearby dumpster. A bum was seen rummaging through
the very same dumpster just minutes after the police left. Yesterday, another
murder was committed in Sue's fashion. Only time will tell if it was just a
copy-cat killing, or if the bum is now a denizen of evil.
(I wrote this story for English class. It's kinda silly, but so what?)
The End (penis)
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth the Man (Birthplace of GwD, Mission Control)
Gridpoint (806)763-4801; node two `2400bps (806)763-5072,,22
SysOp-Transderm-Nitro (First Conquest)
Federation Slayers' (806)799-1184
SysOp-Big Red Fed
Starchy White Boy BBS (806)788-1943
SysOp-Zippy (e-mail Zippy on Chaos for the current NUP)
copyright (c),1993 by Lobo
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c),1993 by Lobo
All rights reserved to that wonder of wonders, Greeny!
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G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"Spanky's Claim to Fame"
by Spanky McDougal, Sir!
with an afterward by Lobo
Howdy do, all you GwD comrades in arms out there! (Except for all you
amputees out there, I guess you'd just be comrades in stumps.) Spanky
McDougal, Sir! here, giving my all to this, my only claim to literary fame
before they take me away for crimes against humanity. They have spies
everywhere, you know, all working for Nwod, God of Floors.
Boy, have I got some ideas to whip all of you slugs into shape (except
for Lobo, siva, Seth The Man, and Snotty, who are pretty cool). You sniveling
fools worship Greeny in every way 'cept religiously! Ha! He's not even
around! No, it's time we looked at the truth. Greeny is a figurehead, a
symbol of the REAL power, the Council. Heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!
Boy, is this a great idea or what!? First, we ditch the idea that Greenie
is returning. Thpbhbhbhbhbhbt on that! Second, a high council of three
founding members (proposed: Lobo, Seth, and Siva) presiding over the GwD
Council, consisting of everyone else in GwD. Yeah! Everyoneon the GwD
Council (Excluding High Council members, I'll explain below) gets a post, a
title and an "ambassadorship" of a country or area, meaning in effect, that
that "ambassador" is really king of the land there. Obviously, this would
have to be organized after GwD fulfillsits destiny. Examples: I plan to be
Surgeon General of the world, and my area might be the Orient, or South
America, or whatever. My title, of course, would be Spanky McDougal, Sir,
Grand High Kruton of Pu, God of Ceilings. Isn't that a cool title? My
minions would be "sub-Krutons" and my maids would be "Krutonettes!" But, the
three High Council members wouldn't have a title, since they preside over
everybody else.
Well, I've left my legacy, so when the time comes, and the world is ours,
remember! Martyrs to the cause are beloved of Pu, and are whisked away to
heaven, the Home and Garden isle at Wal-Mart.....
From:
Spanky McDougal, Sir!
Grand High Kruton
of Pu,
God of Ceilings.
Afterword
Those are the ideas from one of our newest droogs about how the world
should be run when it is under Greeny's control. We hereby accept it as how
the world will be governed once our mission is complete. The only changes
that will be made will be that since Greeny HAS returned, he will be the Chief
Executive Officer of the world, and all of his decisions must be approved by
the entire GwD Council. The High Council will consist of all of the Type Of
Guys and our first droog, Aerik Aeriksson. We will have no titles, but we
will be allowed to place "The Mighty" in front of our name (as in "The Mighty
Lobo") or "The Great" after it (such as Diamondback, The Great) or any other
such phrase before or after it, which will be subject to the approval of the
High Council.
Wowie! we've made it to file #10!!! Yippie!
-Lobo
GwD Task Force Members:
Top Worshipper Type of Guy- Lobo
Top Dog Type of Guy- Seth the Man
Top Organizer Type of Guy- Sandman
Worshipper Type of Guy- Diamondback
Dog Type of Guy- TransDerm-Nitro
Organizer Type of Guy- The Lizard King
Droogs-
Aerik Aeriksson
Ailanthus
Alkaloid
Aracnia
Big Man Joe
Big Red Fed
Bill Hooper
Bruno
Hallucination
Kilroy
Legolas
Malachi
Rory
Sir Flea
Siva
Snotty
Super Sperm
Spanky McDougal, Sir!
Wiley Coyote
Wiz Kid
To become a droog: send mail to Lobo containing the NDP (New Droog Password)
which is SMARTONE, but don't tell anybody!
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth the Man (Birthplace of GwD, Mission Control)
Gridpoint (806)763-4801;node two `2400bps (806)763-5072,,22
SysOp-Transderm-Nitro (First Conquest)
Federation Slayers' (806)799-1184
SysOp-Big Red Fed
For your bbs to become a Command Center, e-mail Lobo and tell him your
number(s).
Please spread the word of Greeny by uploading these files to boards that don't
already have them.
Call (806)797-3860 and chat with The Great Green One! (He currently uses the
name "Majestic", but we know who he really is!)
copyright (c),1993 by Lobo
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c),1993 by Lobo
All rights reserved to The New Returned GREENY!
No More Lies
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 000 1 "MY T.I. 'LITTLE MAESTRO'" w
D // | \ 11 0 0 11 by Kp Neato Dee D
* || ____ | || | 1 0 0 1 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 0 0 1 issue #101 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 000 111 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 06/11/01 w
D D
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
MY TEXAS INSTRUMENTS "LITTLE MAESTRO" GIVES ME THE ATTENTION I NEED TO DEVELOP
A HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM AND HELPS ME FORM VALUABLE INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATIONS
SKILLS.
MY TEXAS INSTRUMENTS "LITTLE MAESTRO" WILL NOT GO ON A WHISKEY BINGE AND LEAVE
ME FOR DEAD BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD IN SOME GODFORSAKEN COTTON-GIN OF A TOWN
WITH A POPULATION OF 48. MY TEXAS INSTRUMENTS "LITTLE MAESTRO" WILL NOT
SHOWER ME WITH BITTER BILE FROM A THOUSAND WASTED PROMISES. MY TEXAS
INSTRUMENTS "LITTLE MAESTRO" IS MY BEST FRIEND. IT IS SO HAPPY.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#101 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMI Kp Neato Dee/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMI GwD, Inc. All rights reserved. :RIGHT AND TASTY:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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w _____ ____ 1 000 222 "The CIA Hit List" w
D // | \ 11 0 0 2 by Lawrence Wilmot D
* || ____ | || | 1 0 0 222 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 0 0 2 issue #102 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 000 222 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 06/11/01 w
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Re-printed from _The SPOTLIGHT_ newsweekly, 1993.
===========================================================================
EXCLUSIVE TO THE SPOTLIGHT By Lawrence Wilmot
Murder on a major or minor scale - whether it involved "terminating" an
individual target or decimating an unruly population - is a routine tactic of
the CIA. Although theoretically prohibited by law from killing anyone, the CIA
may well have been responsible directly and indirectly for more violent deaths
over the past 45 years than the U.S. Army, cold-war historians suggest. One
former CIA officer, John Stockwell, claims the agency's worldwide covert
actions have cost "millions of lives." An updated roster of the CIA's victims
would fill hundreds of pages, a SPOTLIGHT reporter exploring the subject
discovered recently. Among the agency's best-known assassination targets:
- In June, 1959, Col. Ahmad Bukkiting, an Indonesian officer, was waylaid and
murdered in his car in Central Sumatra. He was reportedly suspected of trying
to drop out of a CIA-organized military coup against Indonesia's Sukarno
government.
- On January 17, 1961, Prime Minister Patrice Lumumba of the Congo (now Zaire)
was murdered by indigenous forces paid and armed by the CIA. The official
explanation: Lumumba was "a Soviet pawn." The real reason: A financial
consortium controlled by David Rockefeller had set its sights on the region's
rich mineral resources. A compliant and utterly corrupt leader was installed,
Mobutu Sese Seko, whose legendary skimming of foreign aid has turned him into
one of the world's wealthiest men.
- In May, 1961, Gen. Rafael Leonidas Trujillo, the long-ruling strongman of
the Dominican Republic known as a pro-U.S. nationalist, was shot to death in
his chauffeur-driven limousine by a hit team of local officials recruited and
armed by the CIA. The official explanation: Trujillo was a "human rights"
offender who tended to "terminate" his rivals. The real reason: One of the
enemies liquidated by Trujillo, Dr. Jesus Galindez, was a key CIA undercover
agent.
- In 1961-62, the CIA organized several strikes against Dr. Francois
"Papa Doc" Duvalier, Haiti's sinister dictator. He survived, but a hit team
headed by Clement Barbot, who had been a Haitian presidential bodyguard before
he went to work for the CIA, managed to kill one of Duvalier's daughters and
members of his staff. The reason: White House fears that Duvalier was a
dangerous madman.
- South Vietnamese President Ngo Dinh Diem was assassinated along with his
brother, Ngo Dinh Ngu, by the CIA in 1963, reportedly on direct orders from
the White House.
- On November 22, 1963, during a visit to Dallas, President John F. Kennedy
came under the guns of a hit team whose trail has been traced to the CIA. The
same day, the CIA's chief of clandestine services, Desmond FitzGerald, held a
secret meeting in a Paris hotel room to hand a Cuban contact a poison-tipped
ball-point pen designed to kill Cuban President Fidel Castro. Kennedy died;
the communist dictator survived the CIA's assassination attempt.
- In March, 1965, a French inspection team headed by Col. Roger de Tassigny
traveled through Laos and Vietnam gathering evidence on the booming narcotics
trade supervised and protected by CIA agents. Departing Saigon in a U.S.
helicopter, they were killed in a mid-air explosion. The official explanation:
an accident. The real reason: The CIA saw the investigation as a threat and an
attempt to sabotage its covert networks throughout Indochina.
- Salvador Allende, president of Chile, was overthrown and killed during a
CIA-engineered coup in 1973, in which the intelligence agency conspired with
Chilean military officers to murder the president and install a military junta.
- In June, 1973, Rodolfo "El Cojo" Cisneros and Mario Avila, the reputed
leaders of a Mexican marijuana gang, were shot to death in Panama. Their
murders were part of a top-secret CIA operation code named "Deacon II,"
designed to "eliminate narcotics kingpins beyond the reach of conventional
U.S. law enforcement," in which more than a dozen drug suspects were
reportedly killed.
- Chilean diplomat Orlando Letelier, in exile from his country after the coup
for his criticism of the CIA's takeover, was killed in a 1976 car bombing in
Washington. All signs point to a CIA hit in the heart of the nation's capital.
- In January, 1978, a team of CIA operatives smuggled a bomb aboard a Cuban
airliner making a refueling stop in Barbados. The plane exploded shortly after
takeoff, killing all 83 aboard. The official explanation: The bomb was
supposed to go off while the airliner was still on the ground, causing heavy
damage but no loss of life, but accidentally went off late. The truth: The
explosives detonated on schedule. The CIA had no regrets for Cuban casualties.
- On January 26, 1980, Francis John Nugan, chairman of the Nugan Hand Bank,
was found shot to death in his Mercedes limousine in Lithgow, Australia.
Nugan's murder - he was found to have been a clandestine CIA money broker and
arms smuggler - is now attributed to the CIA by Australian authorities.
- In retaliation for what it assumed to be Iranian support
for the resurgence of militant Moslems - particularly in Lebanon, where
American hostages included William Buckley, the local station chief of the
agency - the CIA waged a sustained campaign of terrorism and assassination
against Iran from 1981 through 1990. At least 14 key members and religious
leaders of Iran's fundamentalist government were killed or gravely injured.
The agency denied involvement.
- As part of this campaign mentioned above, the CIA tried to kill Sheisk
Mohammed Fadlallah, spiritual leader of a faction suspected of kidnapping
Americans, in 1986 with a massive carbomb. The sheik escaped, but 80
bystanders were killed.
- In October, 1987, Rolando Maferrer, an exiled Cuban arms dealer and
right-wing militant, was killed by a car bomb in Miami. After years of
investigation, his murder has now been linked to the CIA.
- On August 11, 1988, Malcolm McHugh, a Canadian arms dealer, was killed by a
gunshot in his Brussels apartment. He had reportedly surprised a team of CIA
burglars going through his files in search of evidence of illicit trade with
Cuba.
- On August 17, 1988, Gen. Zia ul-Haq, Pakistan's president and military
strongman, died in a mid-air explosion of his aircraft. His death came after a
sharp dispute between his government and the CIA over conduct of the civil war
in Afghanistan bogged down in a bitter deadlock, and is now generally ascribed
to the agency by Pakistani investigators.
- In October, 1989, Whitman Conte, an American pilot, was killed in South
Africa by a bomb hidden in the luggage compartment of his small plane. Long
involved in CIA-sponsored diamond-smuggling flights, Conte was reportedly
preparing to sell his story to the media when he was silenced.
- In September, 1990, an exiled Egyptian teacher, Maloof Haddad, was murdered
in Paris for alleged terrorist activities involving U.S. diplomats and the
1975 slaying of Saudi Arabia's oil minister.
- Derek Swanepool, a British journalist, made repeated visits last year to the
Philippines collecting evidence on reported payoffs received by U.S. officials
and CIA agents who helped overthrow the government of Ferdinand Marcos in 1986.
In February, 1993, he was found shot to death in his hotel room. Swanepool
had reportedly turned up pay-dirt that would have led to high-level
indictments among the Washington national security bureaucrats who ousted
Marcos. Sources familiar with CIA tactics and motives say it was an agency hit.
============================================================================
The story above is taken from The SPOTLIGHT newspaper, published weekly in
Washington, D.C. by Liberty Lobby. Subscriptions, $36/year. Contact, The
SPOTLIGHT, 300 Independence Ave., SE, Washington, D.C. 20003, or call
(202)546-5611.
MAY BE RE-POSTED IF SOURCE AND SUBSCRIPTION INFORMATION ARE INCLUDED
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#102 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) 1993 Leonard Wilmot/The SPOTLIGHT /---------------\
distributed MMI by GwD Publications/GwD, Inc. MMI :RIGHT AND TASTY:
re-released by The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 000 333 "The 'Genesis' of Feminism" w
D // | \ 11 0 0 3 by Priest D
* || ____ | || | 1 0 0 333 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 0 0 3 issue #103 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 000 333 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 06/11/01 w
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Genesis, chapter one, verse one says that, "In the beginning, God created
the heaven and the earth." In Genesis, also, began the birth of feminism. In
a time when women were persecuted and sometimes killed for little or no
reason, Christianity began teaching radical new ideas on equality. The bible,
the holy doctrine of Christianity, spells out again and again its exact views
concerning the treatment and role of women in the church, the family, and to
an extent, society. Genesis is the basis for the bible's support and teaching
of equality between men and women, and the beginning of the feminist
movement's greatest ally, Christianity.
Feminism on a large scale is a relatively new idea. Only within the past
several decades have women managed to make radical advancements forward.
However, feminism began a long time ago, at the very least, with the creation
of Christianity. When the Old Testament was written, women's place in
society, large scale, was the social doormat. In the Islamic faith, women
have no place whatsoever, and having a daughter is considered even today to be
a curse. In two verses of the very first chapter of Genesis, Moses explicitly
denotes God's view of women as having personal equality with man as an image-
bearer of God. "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God
created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and
God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and
subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of
the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth." (Gen.
1:27-28) This is a break from traditional classicism in which women had no
real role.
Moses goes on to begin the teaching of women's role towards man in the
second chapter of Genesis. "And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the
ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a
living soul." (Gen. 2:7) "And the Lord God said, It is not good that man
should be alone; I will make for him a helper. And out of the ground the Lord
God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought
them unto Adam to see what he would call them...but for Adam, there was found
not a suitable helper. .And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man,
made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now
bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because
she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his
mother and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." (Gen.
2:18-24) We see here, how, although man is created first, this does not make
him greater than woman. Woman was created to be a helper for man, but this is
not a demeaning role by any means. The later verses of the same chapter show
Adam saying that woman is, "bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh," and
therefore of same value. In the very last sentence, Moses says that to be
complete, man has to leave his family, join with his wife, and then the two
shall be one. This begins the idea that woman will provide that which is
lacking in man, making them complete only when together.
The third chapter of Genesis deals with fall of man and woman and begins
the battle of the sexes. "Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of
the field which the Lord God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath
God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?" (Gen. 3:1) Here
clearly the fall begins with the woman. "And when the woman saw that the tree
was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be
desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat and gave
also unto her husband with her; and he did eat." (Gen. 3:6) Although the
fall begins with the woman, it is only complete through the actions of both.
When God discovers what has occurred, he questions Adam, and finds that Eve
convinced him to eat through the beguiling of the serpent. He punishes them
both saying, "Unto woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy
conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be
to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. And unto Adam he said, Because
thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of
which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground
for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; Thorns
also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of
the field." (Gen. 3:16-18) Here, God gives woman childbirth. He also begins
the race between man and woman here by saying that her desire will be to thy
husband, but that husband will dominate over wife. In Hebrew this was meant
to say that her desire would be to dominate over her husband, but that he
would over her. He punishes the man more so than the woman and in greater
depth, in spite of woman's initiation of the fall, thus establishing man's
role of protector of woman. This same verse also shows that although woman
came from man, man could only further his lineage through woman.
This may sound as though Moses was trying deflate the importance of
woman, but in actuality, he was pointing out that man and woman alike had been
given specific roles and power over one another, therefore establishing the
beginning of equality. The bible expands on this idea and goes on to spell
out specifically the role of man and woman in the church and the family in
such chapters as Ephesians, Corinthians and even Timothy. It gives no mention
whatsoever to the role of woman in society and the workplace. This is in such
stark contrast to its detailing of church and family that one would most
likely surmise that it had no specific role in mind. Thus, Christianity
establishes the equality of man and woman in the work environment. In the New
Testament, the idea of equality takes an even larger view through Jesus'
treatment of women. When He is resurrected, He shows himself to a woman
first. There is the episode of the washing of feet between Jesus and a
prostitute, a woman thought unworthy by the society of the time. The bible
brought such new and radical ideas forth that it was often thought of as
revolutionary literature. Behold, the birth, or "genesis," of feminism.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#103 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMI Priest/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMI GwD, Inc. All rights reserved. :RIGHT AND TASTY:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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w _____ ____ 1 000 4 "CHiPs" w
D // | \ 11 0 0 44 by Franken Gibe D
* || ____ | || | 1 0 0 444 *
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...yeah yeah, you self-pitying rascals. LISTEN, watchin' "CHiPs" isn't a waste
of time, it's a golldarn PRIVILEGE. Shit. Watching CHiPs is an INVESTMENT,
yielding high-dollar psycho-emotional dividends.
Hmm. I guess no one's arguing that CHiPs isn't an Important Show. But it was
almost implied by the tone of the last couple of files. So, obviously, I felt
obliged to set the record straight. Heh. I guess i'm just over-reacting.
Heh heh. I mean, no one would SERIOUSLY question the supremacy of CHiPs.
Heh. What a fool I've been. I'm sure Officer John Baker would've called me
on this, kinda like the way he called Leif Garret on bein' selfish that time,
even though Leif sorta had a RIGHT to be freakin' out, since that Major Healy
guy who was his manager was just pushing him too darn hard...I mean, it was
always GO GO GO. And, geez, i mean even Leif has to relax once in a while,
and drive around in his sports coupe and just sorta unwind, it's not a CRIME,
darnit, but Maj. Healy didn't undertand, but Officer Baker ("John") helped him
understand, and in the end, the Benefit Show was a grand success, thanks to
the rascally "Paunch."
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#104 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMI Franken Gibe/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMI GwD, Inc. All rights reserved. :RIGHT AND TASTY:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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w _____ ____ 1 000 555 "Risk and Uncertainty in Bernstein's w
D // | \ 11 0 0 5 _Against the Gods_" by Otis D
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Throughout history, mankind has sought order for all aspects of life.
People are often afraid, though, of how the "gods" - usually the belief
system, the normative moral order, or the rulers of a particular society -
will react to attempts at solving the mysteries of the natural world. The
perennial belief that "Science does not remove the terror of the gods" (Dobbs
7) has often led to an avoidance of scientific research altogether. One by
one, though, many mysteries have been solved through the application of
scientific principles including why objects fall to the earth, why lightning
moves from the clouds to the earth (not vice versa), and why each living thing
is unique. Scientific principles have also been applied in cases
traditionally thought to be governed by luck, such as games of chance. In
systems such as games of chance and the stock market, the scientific
principles of probability and statistics are used to manage risk and remove
uncertainty. Peter L. Bernstein's _Against the Gods: The Remarkable Story of
Risk_ traces the development of probability and statistics from their origins
(beginning even before the introduction of Arabic numerals to Europe) to the
present-day.
Risk and uncertainty have been the subject of numerous studies throughout
history, primarily due to their association with fiscal matters, as discussed
in Bernstein's work. The terms are commonly used but they often lack clear
definitions. Merriam-Webster defines "risk" as "possibility of loss or
injury" (1011) and "uncertainty" as "[a] lack of...knowledge...about an
outcome or result" (1285). These definitions are correct, to a certain
extent. Why has mankind often sought to avoid risk and uncertainty? We
surely wish to avoid loss or injury, but there are always two sides to a risk:
loss and gain. One should not so easily dismiss risk as there is a chance to
gain. A person must accept the possibility that s/he might lose in order to
accept the possibility that s/he might win. This is often hard to do, though,
as the chance of losing often overshadows the chance of winning in the
prospective risk-taker's mind.
A relationship exists between the risk and uncertainty. Uncertainty
reflects the degree of willingness to accept risk. Weighing the uncertainty
of outcomes and acceptances of risks are everyday activities for many people:
questions such as "If I drink eight shots of tequila, will I get sick?",
"Which job should I take?" (or conversely, "Who should we hire for this
position?"), and "Which stocks should I buy/sell?" are commonplace in our
society. With the willingness to accept risk comes the weighing of
uncertainties. When most people are aware of the presence of uncertainty,
they are almost always (to use Bernstein's term) risk-averse. They seem to
accept the biblical adage that "My people are destroyed for a lack of
knowledge..." (Hosea. 4.6) as the literal truth. Leaving out the destruction,
the biblical adage is the dictionary definition of uncertainty. People know
to be wary of uncertainty, for if it is ignored and risk is taken lightly,
destruction can follow. Risk and uncertainty are thus inextricable from one
another. The relationship of risk and uncertainty has been studied to one
degree or another by researchers of many disciplines, including psychologists
and mathematicians. In fact, the study of their relationship with the goal of
reducing uncertainty and managing risk has engendered the growth of its own
branch of mathematics: probability.
Probability is the branch of mathematics most concerned with uncertainty
and the quantification of risk. It is "the chance that a given event will
occur" (Merriam-Webster 928). Probability is a measure of the likelihood of an
event. It also gives a measure of the likelihood that all other possible
events will not occur. When a situation with several possible outcomes is
encountered, one most often determines (or attempts to determine) the relative
probability of each outcome, as well as the risk involved with each. Ideally,
use of the principles of probability leads to reduced uncertainty and
effectively manages of risk. Whether or not to accept the risk can then be
determined based on the likelihood of the desired outcome. But how does one
determine relative probabilities of situational outcomes that lead to specific
events? Statistical methods are employed in the search for uncertainty
reduction.
Statistics deals with the analysis of past experiences in the hope of
predicting future outcomes. It is the branch of mathematics that deals with
large quantities of data: collecting the data, analyzing the data, and
interpreting the data. Statistics and probability often go hand in hand.
When attempting to determine the relative probabilities of outcomes, numerical
data about previous occurrences of the same (or similar) situation(s) are
compiled and examined in detail. The data are analyzed to provide an educated
guess as to the relative probabilities of outcomes. Statistical data -
information about the past - is widely accepted as an accurate representation
of the future. In many cases, statistics can be used to predict probabilities
of future outcomes quite accurately. For instance, in Galton's pea plant
research, the diameters of the plants' stems regressed to the mean over
several generations (Bernstein 166-167). This example shows that statistical
data is used to determine the probability of an outcome (stem diameter, in
this case) when the sample size is large enough. But this is not always the
case.
Statistics is not an exact science, at least not in respect to predicting
the future. A past occurrence of an event does not necessarily prove that the
event will occur again, even under the same circumstances. One could, for
example, determine the average price per gallon of gasoline over the last year
(or any suitable amount of time). While it is possible that the price will
continue at about this level, there are many unseen factors affecting the gas
price: tension in the Middle East, U.S. trade relations with petroleum-
producing nations, the value of the U.S. dollar in the world market, etc.
While each of these will possibly remain at the current status quo, there is
no way to tell with any degree of certainty whether they will continue to do
so. There is also no way to tell with certainty if they will affect gas
prices at all. As Bernstein notes: "the past seldom obliges by revealing to
us when wildness will break out in the future" (334). Predictions of future
outcomes based on statistical data are not necessarily accurate.
Probability and statistics are tools used to reduce uncertainty and
effectively manage risk. They are used for the prediction of future outcomes
in which there is a degree of uncertainty. Probability uses statistical data
to provide as much information as possible about a situation based on similar
situations that have already occurred. Based on past experience, we assume
that the sun will come up tomorrow. There is no way to prove this with 100%
certainty, but the sun's rise every day for as long as we care to remember is
proof enough for the majority of us. But the principles of probability and
statistics are not a guarantee of future outcomes by their nature.
Probability and statistics are merely guides for risk management and
uncertainty reduction based on past experience.
Bernstein's Against the Gods is very interesting. The aspect of the work
that is perhaps the most interesting is Bernstein's own definition of risk.
He declares that the "heroes" he has discussed "have transformed the
perception of risk from chance of loss to opportunity for gain, from FATE and
ORIGINAL DESIGN to sophisticated, probability-based forecasts of the future,
and from helplessness to choice." (337). These men who have questioned and
fought the established order of their respective times - who have truly gone
against the gods - have given us the modern definition of risk. A chance for
gain is included, and the future no longer looks so bleak. Perhaps we are not
truly condemned to repeat history.
Bernstein's definition of risk provides hope that careful calculations of
probabilities of future outcome based on past experience and risk management
can pay off. Using Bernstein's definition of risk and one's own knowledge of
probability and statistics, one can often make the right choices (or at least
the best choices given the situation) regarding risk. [Is this an over-
generalization? Yes.] Bernstein's definition of risk admonishes us to be
risk-aware rather than risk-averse. There is still much to learn about
mankind's reactions to risk and uncertainty, but perhaps science does remove
the terror of the gods after all.
-----
-= References =-
Bernstein, Peter L. _Against the Gods: The Remarkable Story of Risk_. New
York: John Wiley & Sons, 1998.
Dobbs, J.R. _The Book of the SubGenius_. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1983.
The Holy Bible. Revised Standard Version. Second Edition. Park Ridge:
Cokesbury, 1963.
"Probability." _Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary_. 10th ed. 1993.
"Risk."
"Statistics."
"Uncertainty."
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#105 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMI Otis/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMI GwD, Inc. All rights reserved. :RIGHT AND TASTY:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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w _____ ____ 1 000 666 "Capsicum annuum" w
D // | \ 11 0 0 6 by Priest D
* || ____ | || | 1 0 0 666 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 0 0 6 6 issue #106 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 000 666 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 09/20/01 w
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Walk into any average garden in west Texas, and you will most likely find
a variety of plants. Some types of plants, however, you will not find.
Tropical plants, for instance do not grow well in our desert climate. To grow
such plants, we would need a greenhouse. A greenhouse is a building and a
tool-a structure built entirely to grow plants. It offers a controlled
environment that can be tailored to suit any type of plant from any given
growing environment. Walk into a greenhouse here in west Texas, and you will
encounter first the conservatorium. The lobby or anteroom to a greenhouse is
a room which displays plants exotic to the native region, showing what kind of
plants will most likely be grown within. Once inside, if you look up, you
most likely see what is called a ridge and furrow design in the roof. The
glass panes that allow light in for the plants are typically installed
slantwise, much like the ridges and furrows of a garden. One of the greatest
advantages of a greenhouse is the ability to control the temperature and
moisture in the immediate area. Thermostats are kept in every room,
monitoring and regulating the temperature for maximum growth of plants. A
normal greenhouse is kept between eighty-two and eighty-five degrees
Fahrenheit. Plants can also be watered on a regular schedule, once again
increasing chances for optimal growth. It is quite easy to see how a
greenhouse is essential for anyone trying to grow any type of plant not native
to the area. Experiments can be conducted in the headhouse and subsequently
moved to smaller rooms and thenceforth be monitored at the growers'
convenience.
As the title suggests, the author decided to grow a plant in a greenhouse;
specifically, a cayenne pepper plant, or Capsicum annuum longum. Cayenne
pepper (also known as chili or red hot pepper) is the fruit of Capsicum
annuum, a shrubby, tropical plant that can grow to a height of up to 3 feet.
The fruit is technically a berry. (The Cayenne Pepper, Nature-Herbs, Online)
At maturity, the plant will have multiple branches, growing laterally up to
two feet wide. The peppers will grow dark green and curl, before turning red
upon ripening. The flowers of the plant grow upside down, to ready themselves
to produce the peppers. The flowers are star-shaped and starkly white,
growing to only to, at most, a centimeter in width. The petals are short and
pointed and are not separated at the base of the flower. The leaves resemble
the tip of a spear and can reach even three inches in length. They are simple
leaves with only one leaf growing per petiole. On January 24th, 2001, the
pepper seeds were planted. Clay pots with holes in the middle bottom were
used. The hole prevented the soil and roots of the plant from becoming
waterlogged. A perfect mixture of sand, clay, and loam was used as a soil.
Too much clay would have caused the roots to drown, and too much sand would
have resulted in the loss of too much water, thus starving the plant. The
soil was placed in the pot up to one inch from the lip, firmly, but not
tightly. The seeds for the pepper were scattered evenly across the top of the
soil, and then completely covered with topsoil. Misted water was then applied
until the topsoil took on a dark brown color. The potted seeds were left in
the greenhouse to be tended to by staff, including fertilizing, watering, etc.
The purpose of planting the plant was not to practice tending a plant, but
rather to determine methods and materials for planting, growing, and in some
cases, maybe harvesting the plant. This would be done by observing and
monitoring the plants progress and growth.
To the author's knowledge, no scarification or stratification was used to
aid in germination of the seed. (When a seed is scratched to remove a tough
outer covering, it is called scarification, stratification being when a seed
is boiled for a time to simulate a warm and moist environment.) However, even
without the use of these methods, the seed still germinated on the fifth of
February, almost two weeks later. Since multiple seeds were planted, then
multiple seedlings germinated. Greenhouse workers pulled all but one of the
seedlings, leaving only the center-most seedling. This was done to allow the
root system all the room in the pot to grow. On that afternoon, the plant was
slightly over one centimeter tall, with two leaves shooting straight out,
opposite each other, from the stem. The plant doubled its height in one week
and produced two new leaves as well. These leaves also grew opposite each
other, as did all following leaves. From that point onward, the plant
averaged a new node and two new leaves (sometimes four) and a full centimeter
in height every week until early March at which point growth increased in
speed and development. Between March seventh and March twenty-sixth, the
plant nearly tripled in height, producing almost twelve nodal regions, doubled
in width, growing leaves too numerous to count and flowering the weekend
before the twenty-sixth! On March nineteenth, the top of the plant split and
began to grow multiple branches laterally upward. These new branches quickly
accelerated in growth, and were growing faster than the original shoot. Now
that is a busy little plant! By April eleventh, the plant had grown to a
final height of fifty-four centimeters, a width of thirty-four centimeters,
producing over forty nodal regions, and growing new flowers almost every week.
Considering the probable life span of this type of plant, that would be like a
human being born and growing to five and a half feet tall in less than a year!
On April fourth, something small and green began to grow out of one of the
fully developed flowers. This continued to grow, and now, exactly three weeks
later is fully seven and a half centimeters long. The plant has produced
eight peppers thus far and all are growing just as rapidly as the first,
though none yet have ripened to the point that they can be harvested. In
almost all aspects, the plant's growth started slowly and increased in speed
towards maturity.
Now, after taking over three months of lectures and labs concerning
botany, what can I tell you about my cayenne pepper plant based mainly on
observations? First, the plant is a vascular plant. This is easy to tell
since the plant grew more than two centimeters tall! That leaves several
types of vascular plants still to choose from. Since the plant flowered, then
it is easily classified as an angiosperm, or a flowering plant. Now, the
major question left is monocot or dicot. It would be possible to learn this
information by cutting the plant open and examining a cross-section of either
the roots, stem, or leaves. However, that would make growing the plant a moot
point, since it would kill the plant. So, there are other ways to identify
the plant. The first available clue was the leaves. Monocot leaves always
have parallel veins running from the base of the leaf to the tip. The veins
of a dicot leaf have more complex patterns called pinnate and palmate. This
kind of venation looks like continuous branching and spider webbing. Since
the leaves of this plant had branching veins, then the plant is a dicot. If
that were not enough to be sure, then when the plant began to flower, all
doubt would evaporate. The flowers were fairly small, white, and had five
obviously visible petals. Monocots have flower parts in multiples of three,
while dicots have flower parts in multiples of four or five. If we were to
pull the plant up and slice and dice it, we would find other characteristics
of a dicot plant. In the stem, the vascular bundle, (that which contains the
xylem and phloem vessels) would be arranged in a ring as opposed to randomly
scattered. In the root, the stele (containing certain vascular bundles) would
be star-shaped. Examine the root system of our dicot plant, and you would
discover a large main root called a taproot, where a monocot has a fibrous
root system. There are even a few subtle differences in the leaves that
require a microscope to identify.
What else could be learned from observation of our pet plant? The cayenne
plant is native to tropical areas, so the plant would wither easily if not
watered frequently. Of the plants in our section, the plants towards the back
of the table had a tendency to grow higher to reach the sun, a product of
positive phototropism. Hormones produced in one part of the plant would
gather on the shaded side of the stem. If the entire stem was shaded, then
the stem would grow straight up. However, when the stem reached light of some
kind, then auxin would gather only on side of the stem, the shaded side. The
auxin promoted growth on that side by loosening the cell wall of cells on the
shaded side of the stem. In layman's terms, the stem would bend towards the
light. Our plants did not exhibit any other major tropisms that we could see.
However, we should assume that the roots system would exhibit positive
gravitropism, or growth towards gravity, as most roots do.
Photoperiodism refers to the plants tendency to flower only when the day
is short or only when the day is long. This was somewhat more difficult to
observe, since the lighting environment was not so closely controlled, and
I had no way of checking on whether or not the plants night was broken up by
any flashes of light. Since photoperiodism is affected by the length of the
night and not the length of the day, any flash of light at night would cause
the plant to think it was a short night and a long day. In spite of this, a
guess can be made. Since the plant did not begin to flower until late March,
then one would be inclined to guess that the plant was a long day plant. This
would only be a guess however, since too many other variables are involved.
Other facts about the plant were learned in reading, but the purpose of
the experiment was to improve observation skills and to see what could be
learned through observational skills alone. Therefore, almost all facts
contained in this report reflect what was learned through simply watching the
plant grow and recording and monitoring the plants progress. We were able to
correctly identify exactly what kind of plant the pepper belonged to simply
from studying parts of the plants anatomy. We were able to learn about the
plants growth from the plants reaction to light and the other plants around
it. We learned what conditions the plant preferred when withering occurred
after insufficient watering. We learned what materials were successful in
aiding in the growth of the plant, and we learned the value of a greenhouse in
controlling the environment of the plant and therefore eliminating as many
unknown variables as possible. In this case then, the objective was
successful.
[Fine, this is a report from a botany class. Kiss my ass.]
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#106 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMI Priest/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMI GwD, Inc. All rights reserved. :SUPREME BEINGS.:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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w _____ ____ 1 000 777 "Texas" w
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I figured it out. I've always been happy to be a Texan. I was thrilled to
see the @ Texas entry on Zoes. I've often times threatened to beat people to
the floor for slandering my Texas heritage (the steers and queers joke I came
upon so often in the army), or at least fuck them and let them decide.....
Yes brothers and sisters, I have been one of those fuzzy toothed zealots, with
my mad glinting eyes and my large sharp rock always at the ready to defend the
great state.
Of course, I never really knew why. That is one of the perks of unwavering
faith: One need not question it unnecessarily. Texas is the best. Source?
Shut the fuck up or I'll poke your eyes out. That was the extent of my
thoughts on the matter.
Well pardners, I figured it right the hell out this weekend. I went on a
three day camping trip to Lake Allen Henry here in the panhandle, near Post
(Go Antelope Whatthefuckever). Texas being the great state that it is, dammed
a canyon and filled it with water so that we Texans could go there and boat
and ski and camp. It was there that I learned the true meaning of Texas.
Texas wants to kill you. Yes, you. Me too, and everyone you have ever loved.
Everything out in nature in Texas is equipped with thorns or spines or fangs or
pointy teeth. The bugs go straight for your tender moist eyes with the
stingers dripping with venom. A trip to relieve yourself turns into a cactus
spine endurance trial as the native plant life tries desperately to rip out a
chunk of your flesh. Oh yeah, cactus produce food via photosynthesis. My
ass. Tell that to the festering sores on my calves. Cacti will eat you.
Stroll by a harmless rock and prepare to hear that rattling sound that
everyone in Texas knows. Yup. Snakes. Lots of them, and they all want you
to die.
Even the cute wildlife is out to get you. Should one enjoy equine activities
(riding with saddle, not donkey shows), one could ride all across this vast
land. Right up till your horse breaks a leg in a prairie dog burrow. Hell,
if you don't break your own leg by just walking around. And, you will note
that animals or people that are downed by the dawgs tend to fall right next to
their burrows which are loaded with plague bearing fleas who, yes, want to
kill you.
Even where man tries to claim dominion over This Great and Violent Land Texas
will try to kill you. Just ask anyone who has navigated 635 in Dallas during
summer heat.
It's really no wonder Texans love weapons. If anyone lived in this state for
more than a month they would know not to leave the house without a large
caliber handgun or at the minimum fnords' enormous chinese bladed whacking
stick to prevent your family from being murdered by rampaging mesquite bushes.
And Texas features varied and exciting forms of doom. Plants and animals and
tornadoes and hurricanes. A state this large can't be limited to one or two
types of natural disasters. Nope. Nuh-uh. I thought Austin might be out of
the tornado belt. Hah. The horrible winds will take you. Bet on it.
It's the variety that gives us the one up on the other states.
Cali: Blackouts that will make you stub your toes, maybe riots.
Arizona: Ooooh. It's hot. I might die from the heat. That pegs about a 2
on my Give-A-Shit-o-Meter
Virginia: Maybe an excess of history. I'm not even sure they have anything
larger than a squirrel there.
Maine: Maple trees fall on you after all the syrup has been drained to
supply Texas' enormous pancake hunger. w00t!
Nevada: Can't even kill you. The best it can do is take your money and
cause you to go to your home state and kill yourself. This is the
lazy Mexican of states.
So, to conclude because I am tired and smell bad after fighting against Texas
for three days:
Goddamnit, this state r00lz. Any state that will keep you on your toes this
much without you even really noticing is bad-ass. It makes you into a
survivor, guaranteed to be able to beat the living shit out of any of those
candy ass debutantes from the "Old South" or those Yak farmers from the chilly
northern regions. Hell, even the food will kill you. Guess who produces more
beef than anyone? Texas. Huge lumbering hormone injected beasts guaranteed to
clog your pump.
So stand tall, carry at least one edged weapon or large bore pistol and
whenever one of those snooty pickle gangsters from one of those "tiny" states
tries to talk shit about Texas ask them "Oh yeah? When was the last time your
state tried to kill you?" And then kick them in the balls and have marital
relations with their pasty significant other to spread the iron clad seed of
Texas.
I have to go. Their is a coyote here trying to steal one of my rifles.
fj
System Administrator with too much time on his hands.
____________________________
What the fuck is that and why is it trying to lay eggs in my skull?
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#107 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMI fastjack/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMI GwD, Inc. All rights reserved. :SUPREME BEINGS.:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 000 888 "Getting Old" w
D // | \ 11 0 0 8 8 by Seth The Man D
* || ____ | || | 1 0 0 888 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 0 0 8 8 issue #108 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 000 888 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 09/20/01 w
D D
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
...I've been feeling old lately. I've reached that point in my life where all
these people I know are getting married. It is crazy. For the most part these
are natural steps...but it makes me feel old. I'm passing the age where people
are supposed to be getting married. Weird. I've still no plans for that kind
of life myself, and I keep thinking it is going to bother me at some point,
but if anything I feel relieved that I don't have any sort of plan for
settling down and getting on with life. I hope I can just keep going without
making any concrete decisions like that. I want to keep giving destiny the
finger every chance I get. gotta keep moving.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#108 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMI Seth The Man/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMI GwD, Inc. All rights reserved. :SUPREME BEINGS.:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 000 999 "Defining Quality" w
D // | \ 11 0 0 9 9 by Lobo Licious D
* || ____ | || | 1 0 0 999 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 0 0 9 issue #109 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 000 999 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 09/20/01 w
D D
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
What is quality? What makes something "better" (or at least of a higher
quality than something else? An exact definition of quality has long been
elusive and has brought about much discourse through the ages. Even in the
twenty-first century, while different quality standards abound in industry and
the U.S. government has established an award for companies that exhibit
exceptional quality (the Malcolm Baldridge Award), the term still lacks a
universally accepted definition. Standards such as these merely define
quality with respect to specific applications (or sets of applications, such
as industrial processes) without actually explaining what quality is. this is
through no fault of their own, though, as lack of a clear definition is in the
very nature of quality. Some say that quality is merely what you like;
others say it is what *society* thinks you should like. Others attach
philosophical implications to the concept of quality, a very interesting
subset of the discourse surrounding its definition. A study of the
philosophical aspects of quality is found in Robert M. Pirsig's _Zen and the
Art of Motorcycle Maintenance_.
When trying to define a word, the most obvious place to begin is the
dictionary. With quality, though, the dictionary is somewhat lacking.
Merriam-Webster defines quality as "an inherent feature," "degree of
excellence," and "a distinguishing attribute..." (955). The definition
continues, saying that quality is "a general term applicable to any trait or
characteristic whether individual or generic..." (955). While parts of this
definition seem to fit the concept of quality as we know it (particularly the
discussion of its general nature and its applicability to either general or
specific characteristics), the dictionary seems to have given quality a
definition that is too narrow to adequately encompass all that quality is.
Many companies and individuals have developed their own definitions of
quality. An independent record company (Man's Ruin Records) labels its
products with "Where Quality is Just a Word" (Kozik). While this is obviously
a self-effacing slogan, Man's Ruin uses it to advertise the quality (or lack
thereof) of its products. Kolarik quotes many (industrial and/or business)
"Quality Masters" who also give narrow (specific to an industry) definitions
of the term, such as: "Quality is fitness for use (Juran)...[it] is
conformance to requirements (Crosby)..." (5). While these definitions are
perfectly suited to specific engineering and/or business practices, they fail
to grasp the overall concept of quality.
In _Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance_, Pirsig uses the character
of Phaedrus to define quality in metaphysical terms, despite repeatedly
claiming that quality is indefinable. The narrator recalls that Phaedrus
thought quality is not "independently related with either the subject of the
object [as many classical quality definitions state] but...*only in the
relationship of the two with each other*" and goes on to postulate that the
"Quality" event is the *cause* of the subjects and objects..." (215), not vice
versa. Thus, quality is the beginning and the end, which Phaedrus in his
pursuit of quality equates to the Hindu Bragma and the Buddha in numerous
passages from the work. If quality is truly the beginning and the end, as
Phaedrus claims, then he is equating it to the deity of Western theology as
well as the Oneness of the East: "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and
the last, the beginning and the end" (Revelation 22:13). Pirsig, possibly
unknowingly, has thus linked Eastern and Western mythology.
Phaedrus also states: "Quality isn't a substance. Neither is it a
method. It's outside of both...It's the goal toward which method is aimed"
(Pirsig 305). Pirsig, through Phaedrus, seems to be saying that quality is
everything and the stimuli to which we react are merely manifestations of
quality. This is a refutation of classical quality definitions tat relate to
specific characteristics of specific products processes, etc. Pirsig's
definition of quality is therefore nondualistic; it is neither subject nor
object, neither substance nor method. Quality exists outside of the trappings
of these terms and, according to Pirsig, is the cause behind the existence of
these terms.
Quality is a word that is attached to many things. The norms of society
often tell us what is "good" and "bad," but long ago someone (or perhaps a
specific group of people or society at large) chose the definitions of these
subjective terms. In many cases, "good" and "bad" are defined in terms of
morals, which is too in-depth a topic to be discussed here. While Mr.
Pirsig's definition of quality as non-subjective makes sense, the experience
of quality (Kolarik 6-7) -- the manifestations of the enigma called quality --
are entirely subjective and are influenced by many factors, including personal
preference. Most definitions of quality, with the exception of Pirsig's
metaphysical definition, are actually definitions of the experience of
quality, "a function of the fulfillment of human needs and expectations"
(Kolarik 6).
(Quality aside, perhaps the most interesting aspect of Pirsig's work is
the Eastern-inspired focus on oneness or unity. Pirsig defines quality in
nondualistic terms, as discussed above. He also provides many other examples
of oneness/unity, such as an in-depth discussion of rhetoric versus the
dialectic (in the context of Socrates and the Sophists). Rhetoric is "writing
or speaking as a means of communication or persuasion" (Merriam-Webster 1004)
while the dialectic is "discussion and reasoning by dialogue as a method of
intellectual investigation" and "tension or opposition between two interacting
forces or elements" (319). Thus, rhetoric (especially in the case of speech)
is more in tune with Pirsig's unity concept than the dialectic, which is
usually a discussion between two people, one seeking to disprove the other's
statements. When Phaedrus argues with the Chairman, it is clear that Phaedrus
(the rhetorician) is victorious over the dialectical Chairman (Pirsig
351-354). The narrator himself is an example of the move to oneness. He is
plagues with fragments of memories from Phaedrus's life until he finally
succumbs to Phaedrus's desire to "come back" and decided to "Be one person
again!" (370). Once this decision is made, it seems that the bulk of the
narrator's troubles will end.)
I have arrived at a definition of quality which borrows aspects from many
of the definitions discussed above. I sought to define quality in
sufficiently broad terms to encompass any instance of quality in any
situation. Therefore quality, to me (borrowing heavily from Pirsig), is the
ultimate cause to every effect. It is omnipresent. Quality manifests itself
as the measurable characteristics of objects (e.g. dimensions) or processes
(e.g. process time), as well as those characteristics that are completely
subjective and cannot be measured (e.g. pleasant smells). Thus, the
experience of quality is the only quantifiable aspect it possesses. As such,
quality is intimately involved in all aspects of our daily lives, yet it is
unknowable; we can merely become familiar with specific aspects of it such as
the experience of quality discussed previously.
Pirsig's _Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance_ provides a unique
insight into philosophy, a discipline that many "technical people" often
neglect to study. The discussion of quality is entirely different from any
that can be found in an engineering textbook. While quality may not be the
Creator of everything, Pirsig's perspective on quality is certainly unlike any
I have seen before. This new (to me) perspective made me reevaluate my own
definition of quality, given above.
-----
-= References =-
"Dialectic." _Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary_. 10th ed. 1993.
"Quality."
"Rhetoric."
Kolarik, William J. _Creating Quality: Concepts, Systems, Strategies, and
Tools_. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1995.
Kozik, Frank. "MAN'S RUIN - The Frank Kozik Resource Center."
http://www.mansruin.com/. (15 March 2000).
Pirsig, Robert M. _Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance_. 1974.
Toronto: Bantam, 1981.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#109 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMI Lobo Licious/ GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMI GwD, Inc. All rights reserved. :SUPREME BEINGS.:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"Censorship: The School Play"
by Lobo and Spanky McDougal, Sir!
This is a play that we wrote for and performed in English class. The
theme was 'a problem that our society faces', so we chose censorship. The
play was to be ten minutes long, and we had to have costumes and a set. Our
group actually consisted of four members, but the other two did not actually
do any of the script writing.
Characters:
Teacher (our teacher actually portrayed this character)
Billy (non-writer/non-droog)
Store Clerk (Spanky McDougal, Sir!)
Jello Biafra (Lobo)
Mark Twain (Spanky McDougal, Sir!)
Act I
Scene 1
("School" is written on the chalkboard)
Teacher- Remember class, you all need to get a book for your book report by
the day after tomorrow, tomorrow being a holiday and all.
Scene 2
("School" is erased, and "Store" is written in its place. Some Dead Kennedys
records are displayed, and a nice sign is out about how you must be eightteen
to purchase them. Billy finds a copy of "Bedtime for Democracy", and brings
it to the clerk)
Narrator- Billy has gone to the local bookstore to pick up a book and find
some music to help him enjoy his day off.
Store Clerk- You want to buy THAT!?! Sorry kid, you gotta be eightteen to buy
that trash! Sorry, but why would you want it anyway?
Narrator- Billy is holding an album by Jello Biafra, singer of the Dead
Kennedys, a group that sells records with a strong anti-government message.
Jello is currently serving a federal prison sentencefor income tax evasion,
but here he is now on his work release program.
Jello- I've been censored again! The Man has put me in the pen, and I still
can't get away from these evil government plots to stifle the minds and free
will of the young people, like him!
(he points at Billy, while Jello finishes his speech, Billy looks around and
finally says:)
Billy- I need a book for my book report. Have you got a copy of 'Huckleberry
Finn'?
Store Clerk- Why would you want to read THAT politicallt incorrect sorry
excuse for literature?!? Don't you know that it's been banned from this
school system? It's pretty racist, ya know.
(Mark Twain steps out, looking a bit peaked, since he's been daed for awhile)
Narrator- And here's Mark Twain, fresh from the grave!
Twain- Here we go again. People are always misunderstanding me! 'Huckleberry
Finn' was written as a social outcry against slavery and racism, but its
meaning has been distorted by power happy watchdogs who misunderstand the
point of the book and cite as examples phrases much out of context. Hmmph!
The school board has no right to censor me because history is not politically
correct!
Jello- What a bunch of pinko commie fascist pigs! When a few appointed
officials can decide what our kids should and shouldn't learn in school
without consulting their parents, the government and all its twisted agencies
behind a masquerade of democracy has finally hit bottom!
Twain- Well, I wouldn't go that far. Some people might be overdoing it,
banning the teaching of the theory of evolution because some people find it
offensive and such, but for the most part it's not that bad.
Jello- But don't the kids like him have the right to choose what music they
listen to? It's just another government plot!
Twain- Children might not be responsible enough to choose appropriate or less
influential music, and adults can't really say that "he's responsible, give
him a music license, but he's a hoodlum, so just give him a learner's permit".
So many shootings by young'uns have been blamed on violent rap music and such
like that you can't really say that music doesn't affect people. Sure, the
music didn't make a kid shoot a policeman, but it didn't help! By the way,
the government doesn't censor people just to get at you. A lot of special
interest groups have put the pressure on, and everyone intends for the good of
the majority.
Jello- Of course musice IS influential, but although our song "Holiday in
Cambodia" does have a message, it doesn't mean that Cambodia is a nice place
to vacation. It might be though, I've never been there.
Twain- But how do you explain that to a teenage groupie whose only goal in
life is to own a lock of your hair?
Jello- Well, I guess people really do have to make their own decisions about
censorship. In MY opinion, though, the government should just stay out of it!
Narrator- Their conversation continues, too long for one ten minute school
play, no matter how brilliantly it's acted. Finally, Jello wraps up with one
of his favorite poems:
Jello- If you don't like the words I say,
Lock me up and throw me away.
Surround me with your panes of glass,
Censorship can kiss my....
Narrator(interrupting)- BUM!!!
(As Jello finishes the last line, he drops his pants and whirls around. A
black censorship dot appears before anything can be seen.)
Jello- I'm not even really HERE, and they can STILL censor me!!
Twain- This just shows that sometimes censorship can be a GOOD thing.
THE END
Note from the authors:
As this play was written for school, there was no cussing, though there
should have been. We would like to thank Low Tolerance for the "poem" that we
so blatantly stole from there song "Censorship". If you can't tell what the
last word of the "poem" is, think: what rhymes with 'glass' and is a synonym
of 'bum'? If you still don't know, you are very silly. If you didn't know
who Jello Biafra is before you read this, you are not worth wasting the time
to explain. Our only set change actually was just erasing 'school' from the
chalkboard and writing 'store' in its place. And of course, Lobo really did
drop his pants, but the teachercensored him, making him wear shorts under his
jeans. Our performance lasted about five minutes, instead of ten, and we got
a ninety-eight on it, which was the best grade in the class.
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth the Man (Birthplace of GwD, Mission Control)
Gridpoint node one at 14.4(806)763-4801; node two at 2400bps
(806)763-5072,,22
SysOp-Transderm-Nitro (First Conquest)
Federation Slayers' (806)799-1184
SysOp-Big Red Fed
Starchy White Boy BBS (806)788-1943
SysOp-Zippy (e-mail Zippy on Chaos for the current NUP)
Light My Fire (806)795-4926
SysOp-Ailanthus
copyright (c),1993 by Lobo and Spanky McDougal, Sir!
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c),1993 by Lobo
All rights reserved to that Mean Green Dominating Machine
Take the Power Back
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 1 000 "Number 5" w
D // | \ 11 11 0 0 by The BMC D
* || ____ | || | 1 1 0 0 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 1 0 0 issue #110 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 111 000 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 09/20/01 w
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Number 5 is in the houuuuuse!
Who's the bass-thumpinist, party rockinist, boots knockinist number around?
It's number Five up in the muthafuckin house!
Who's the number that won't cop out when there's danger all about? Five?
Damn right.
While number Five may not be number one, it's still really fucking good. It's
one of my favourites. I can't think of a better number in the world. What
other number can you double to create ten? And speaking of ten, how many
times does ten factor into fifty? In case you don't have the super-magnifico
mathematical skillz that I have, I'll tell you now that the answer is Five.
Number Five, always quick to step into a math problem at a moment's notice.
Sure it's only half of ten, but would you really want it to be all of ten? In
my opinion, that would cause Five to lose all of its charm. Ten is just so...
tenish, it's not really like Five at all. I mean, the first difference is
that five is a prime number. that means it's always primed and ready to kick
some science. Ten is just so one-plus-zero-ish and let's face it, that zero
is deadweight.
Then there's Five. Pure, simple, there's no secret about Five's intentions.
Five has nothing to hide. Look at it, for crying out loud! It looks like
it's smiling at you!
5
And even if it doesn't look like it's smiling, it would if it could! So step
the fuck off, because Five is on the scene and there ain't no fuckin with
Five.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#110 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMI The BMC/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMI GwD, Inc. All rights reserved. :SUPREME BEINGS.:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
ASMD ** http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org ** ASMD
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 1 1 "CHEESEBURGER" w
D // | \ 11 11 11 by Kp Neato Dee D
* || ____ | || | 1 1 1 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 1 1 issue #111 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 111 111 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 09/20/01 w
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
MAN. YOU NEED A BACON DOUBLE-CHEESEBURGER, DAMNIT.
THOSE ARE COOL, AND THEY'RE 99 CENTS. THE OTHER DAY THEY HAD CHANGED OVER
FROM SELLING DOUBLE CHEESEBS TO BACON DOUBLE CHEESEBS FOR THE SAME PRICE BUT I
DIDN'T KNOW IT YET.
SO I WAS ORDERING MY USUAL DOUBLE CHEESEB. AT THE DRIVE-THROUGH AND THE LADY
SAID "THAT'LL BE $2-SOMETHING"
AND I WENT
"HUH? AREN'T THOSE LIKE A DOLLAR?"
"NO. NOT ANY MORE."
THEN I TRIED TO COMMUNICATE THAT I WANTED WHATEVER SORT OF BURGER THING THEY
HAD THAT COST ABOUT A DOLLAR. BIG MAC, DOUBLE SOMETHING, WHATEVER... IF IT'S
WITHIN 10 CENTS OF A DOLLAR, THAT'S WHAT I WANT. GOSH DURNIT.
THE DRIVE-THROUGH WINDOW PEOPLE DON'T SEEM TO LIKE TO BE ASKED INEQUALITIES.
WHY AM I WRITING THIS?
UNFORTUNATELY, I KNOW WHY... AND IT'S SCARY.
BYE.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#111 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMI Kp Neato Dee/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMI GwD, Inc. All rights reserved. :MONEY SHOTS INC:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 1 222 "Experiments in Hedonism" w
D // | \ 11 11 2 by Jaffo D
* || ____ | || | 1 1 222 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 1 2 issue #112 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 111 222 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 09/20/01 w
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
- Experiments in Hedonism -
It all started with a discussion on ethics. Lance and I went out to the Hub
City Brewery to get one of their fantastic pizzas. They have a real
wood-burning oven, so their crust is the best in town. Lance and I ended up
sitting at our favorite table, admiring the gorgeous redheaded waitress and
scarfing down pizza.
The conversation started to drag, so I decided to take Lance through the same
series of questions I tried out on Matt and Rusty over the weekend. We were
discussing ethics, religion, and my recent deconversion -- so I decided to
test some of my theories with real world data. I won't bore you with the
details. The important part is, Lance and I started discussing the real
meaning of right and wrong. This led into a discussion of Epicureanism and
"Rational Hedonism." I think Lance would make an excellent Epicurean. The
conversation turned to a discussion of pleasure. In particular, when should
people feel guilty about doing things they enjoy?
I was planning to stop by Hastings and buy a computer game, but after about
an hour of this discussion, we ended up at a strip club.
- Escape from the Bunkhouse -
I made the mistake of telling Lance I had never been to a strip club. Here I
was, 27 years old, single, and unattached. My friends had been to these
places a couple times, but I never seemed to be around when they went. So
when Lance took it upon himself to "corrupt" me, I went along cheerfully.
(I'm really not as innocent as I pretend, most of the time, but people seem to
enjoy corrupting me...) We weren't dressed well enough for Players, the
high-class topless bar in town, so Lance decided to drive outside the city
limits and hit this totally nude place called the Bunkhouse. It sounded kinda
sleazy to me, but that was the whole point, right?
So we drive out to the middle of BF Nowhere and pull up to this glorified
wooden shack with horses, cowboy boots, and cacti painted on the outside. At
this point, I began to get nervous. My mind filled with visions of emaciated
hags with redneck accents and bad teeth.
Daunted, we press on.
Lance removes a six pack of beer from his trunk. You can't serve liquor in an
all-nude bar, it's BYOB. (A smarter man would have seen this as a danger
signal.) However, since it was Monday, the Bunkhouse was closed. (Evidence
of divine intervention? Too close to call.)
I thought our little excursion would be over at that point, but Lance
suggested that we try this new place called Nibbles down the street. A place,
coincidentally, where my best friend's sister works. She's just a waitress,
but in a town like Lubbock, being within 30 feet of naked flesh is a sin. And
actually accepting money from men who are looking at naked flesh might as well
be prostitution.
I don't know which possibility bothered me more. The thought that I might see
her there, or the thought that she might see me there.
Actually there was one thing that scared me more than either of those
possibilities. On the way over, I told Lance, "If we see my Dad here, pretend
they need you at the office."
- Nibbles -
The outside of Nibbles wasn't quite as dreadful as the Bunkhouse, although the
parking lot was essentially dirt and gravel. Inside, I navigated across the
torn carpet, peering into the smoky depths beyond. The bouncer met as at the
door and put these pathetic little bracelets around our wrists. They were
designed to glow brightly under the ultraviolet lights of the stage area. I
know every club in the world does this, but it seemed childish to me. I felt
like a schoolboy on some bizarre pornographic field trip.
I wasn't thinking very clearly on the way in. I thought the Bunkhouse was the
only all-nude club in the area. I thought Nibbles was just topless. It
didn't take long to figure out I was wrong.
We walked in and sat down right by the stage. I was expecting some casual
nakedness, maybe a couple of poorly-lit breasts. But no. There was some
serious nakedness going on here. It took a while to get used to. Lance
pushed a beer over to me and I took a sip of some thick, bitter ale. I would
have cheerfully traded it for a diet coke, but I was saving my money to tip
the dancers.
We sat there for an hour or so, casually dispensing dollar bills to the
ladies. You couldn't make out faces very well with all the smoke and shifting
light, but I suspect I was the only one looking at faces. All the dancers
were very attractive. I'll confess that my expectations were pretty low
walking in, so I was pleasantly surprised.
During a performance, it's important to develop what I call a "strip club
poker face." It's a kind of disinterested leer, a cross between total boredom
and smoldering lust. It's the face most men use at fitness clubs. I mean,
men know there are beautiful women in tight clothes bending over exercise
equipment in front of them, and the women know they're looking, but neither
side is supposed to acknowledge the other. There's no way I could simulate
this expression; it just looked too stupid to me. I mean, I wasn't going to
drool on the floor and hoot, but I wasn't going to pretend I was watching tv
in my living room, either. The men try to look all cool during the
performance, like women rip off their clothes and gyrate in front of them all
the time. But obviously this doesn't happen to you all the time, or you
wouldn't have paid the $10 cover.
I decided to use my gentle, nonthreatening grin -- the face I reserve for
single women and old people in the hospital. (It's also my default expression
during the first week of a new job.) I was projecting the message, "I'm happy
to be here, but I'm not a pervert." I don't know if it worked or not.
Between dances, I paid attention to the details of my surroundings. The stage
floor was like a dilapidated chess board, scuffed by countless numbers of
women dancing in high heels. That's one thing I couldn't understand. The
dancers I saw were all wearing ridiculous high-heels. Black ones, white ones,
red ones -- even clear ones. I haven't seen that many uncomfortable shoes in
one place since my Uncle's wedding. Why do women do this to their feet? Do
men really find these foot-daggers attractive? I found myself longing for a
girl in tennis shoes or moccasins. Maybe a nice brown hush puppy.
The lighting was bad and oppressive. The UV bulbs in the ceiling made
everything look like a government lab from the X-Files. I kept waiting for a
Gray alien to walk out and ask us if we were enjoying the show.
The whole thing seemed contrived and a little cheap. The disco lights covered
everything in this sickly half-light. I mean, I wasn't expecting the place to
be lit up like an operating room, but a discrete spotlight would have been
nice. (A discrete spotlight? Whatever.)
The worst thing about the stage performances was the DJ. I don't mean to be
cruel, but this guy was barely one step up from K-Mart store announcer. He
used the same phrases over and over again, and he slurred the words together.
He over-emphasized certain words, stringing them out too long and too loud, in
a pathetic attempt to generate enthusiasm.
It was like listening to Rick Dees on ephidrene.
I'm not proud of this, but I've done some time in a DJ booth. I know all
about the misplaced emphasis and false enthusiasm. I was a pathetic failure
as a DJ. My natural speech pattern is a kind of sardonic innocence, poking
fun at the world -- childlike observations cloaked in irony. There was no
irony here. No self-conscious hesitation or "regular guy" chatter. Just this
endless stream of leering hucksterism. I was a pathetic disk jockey, but
verbally pimping dancers at a strip club is definitely the bottom of the DJ
food chain. (Right below that guy who does the commercials for Monster Truck
shows.) However, there would be one significant perk to being the DJ at a
strip club. You get to operate the smoke machine! I've always wanted a job
with a smoke machine.
- What Men Really Want -
Don't get me wrong. The dancers were lovely and talented. Although some were
clearly working harder than others. Marilyn danced up there like she was
earning money to save a dying relative. She wasn't necessarily the prettiest
dancer, but she made up for it with enthusiasm. This girl knew how to work a
crowd.
When I take my next Marketing class, I'm going to write a paper about Total
Quality Stripping.
She took great care with her props and presentation. She wore a tight dress
with big polka dots that would glow under the UV light. But her most
effective tool was the music she picked. She did a medley of 80's hits,
straight out of my tortured childhood. People in my age group are suckers for
80's music. When the DJ launched into "Jesse's Girl," I actually got a little
tear in my eye. This transparent manipulation paid off nicely for her. She
stayed longer than any of the others, and she raked in the money. Lance gave
her a buck for a closer look, and she danced like he was holding a hundred.
Let this be a lesson to women everywhere. It doesn't matter how you look. It
doesn't matter how you dress. It doesn't matter how you walk. It doesn't
matter how you talk. It doesn't matter how young or limber you are. What men
really want is enthusiasm. If you've got that, he'll keep coming back, no
matter how many pimples or pounds you have. But without it, your relationship
is doomed.
- Busted! -
I ran into my friend's sister almost immediately, back at the bar. In all the
years I had known Rusty, I had never said more than 10 words to Casey. James,
Rusty, Scott, Matt, and I would meet over at Rusty's house periodically to
play D&D and play Nintendo, and Casey was usually there. She always had a
wild streak, and when I first heard she was working at a strip club, I was
concerned. Like all good Christian boys, I had heard my share of horror
stories about these places -- all the dancers were drug-addicted white slaves,
all the owners were organized crime figures, etc.
Casey had always been pretty, but the guys assured me she had grown up to be
an absolute knockout, complete with tattoos and piercings and recently-blonded
hair. I was expecting that, but I wasn't expecting her personality to be so
different.
Casey had always seemed a bit tense at home, a bit reserved in the presence of
her brother. She says her brother didn't want her intruding on the gaming
sessions, so I suspect that was most of it.
James and Scott had always been close to Casey, but I never really talked to
her much. So I was unprepared for this bubbly blonde bombshell who knew me by
name. I had known her family for years, and no one in that bunch could be
called bubbly. But Casey seemed really happy. Effortlessly, honestly happy.
I think Rusty could learn some things from his sister. So could I.
I guess it just goes to prove, nobody can be who they really are in front of
their family.
I don't know how much of it was genuine, but her emotion seemed real to me. I
was worried that she might be dancing there. Not so much because I was
concerned for her, but because if she was dancing, I would have to leave.
I've done some crappy things in the past two years, but lusting after my best
friend's sister was not something I wanted on my conscience.
I'll confess, I shifted into "Big Brother" mode the moment I saw Casey. I
conducted a polite interrogation to see if she was dancing, and I asked if she
had ever been uncomfortable or scared working there. She was forthright and
honest, and she made it clear that she would never be comfortable dancing
there. I believed her, and given the intensity of her response, I felt a
little guilty about asking. Rusty is my friend, but his sister's life is none
of my business. For the record, I think Casey is a happy, healthy girl
working in a weird job that pays her a lot of money. Can you blame her? I
can't.
- Very Important Perverts -
I was ready to leave after about an hour and a half. I saw lots of beautiful
women, and I had a good time. But I had to be at work the next day, and the
initial shock wore off quickly. The girls were lovely, but none of them
really knocked me out. (Alas, there were no redheads.)
So I was ready to go. Wanted to come home, write my little journal, and make
it to bed about 1am. But Lance was in no hurry. He kept telling me to sit
down and relax. Truthfully, I was getting bored.
That hideous DJ kept harping about the "VIP Cigar Bar" where the dancers would
come to "hang out" and talk to customers after the show. I didn't really care
either way, but I figured if Lance was determined to stay, I might as well
wait it out in style. So we paid 20 bucks for access to this upstairs "loft"
space overlooking the stage. I immediately felt ripped off. Just a couple
fat, drunk white guys with one dancer performing for them.
The torn leather couches were more comfortable than the chairs by the stage,
but you would need a telescope to see the dancers from up there. I don't
drink or smoke, so I just sat there with that simulated grin on my face while
Lance lit up a cigar and knocked back another beer.
It occurred to me that this was becoming a pattern for me -- doing things
sober that most men only do when they're drunk. If I had been drunk, I would
have been able to overlook all the little details I'm revealing to you now.
I'm sure with a few beers in me, my visit to the strip bar would have been a
magical, tender experience, filled with whispered promises and come-hither
looks.
Instead, I went through the whole thing stone sober, peering carefully to try
and find the cables and plaster that held up the set. I got a good journal
entry (I almost said "column.") out of the deal, but I suspect that sometimes
it's best to just let it go and ignore the man behind the curtain.
I felt like the geeky bastard in the front row at a Star Trek movie, pointing
out errors in the special effects.
I've never been able to "just let go" at any other time in my life, why should
this be any different?
Fortunately, the highlight of my evening was yet to come. Two of the other
dancers joined us upstairs, and things got a bit more interesting. Their
names were Ashton and Scarlett. (Yeah, I know. Their real names were
probably Ernestine and Beatrice, but I don't think a guy who calls himself
Jaffo should throw stones.) Ashton was a lovely pale blonde with a quirky
sense of humor and Scarlett was a perky brunette with a mischievous attitude.
(Scarlett also had a couple shots of tequila in her. It seemed to help.) You
could tell Ashton had been doing this for a while. She knew how to work the
customers and she seemed to really enjoy talking to us. At that point, I was
just glad to have somebody to talk to. The hardest thing about the
conversation was trying to think up questions nobody had asked her before.
I was determined not to repeat any of the stupid cliches, so I asked her,
"What's the weirdest thing you ever saw a customer do?"
Remember, my primary goal for the evening was not to look like a fool. I
figured the best way to avoid embarrassment was to shift the conversation to
people who were even more pathetic than me. That way, even if I said
something stupid, I would still look good by comparison. It seemed to work.
After a short period of strained conversation, she asked if we wanted a lap
dance. She even offered us a double. Apparently, Ashton and Scarlett work
together frequently.
I was running low on cash at that point, so Lance paid for half of it and I
got to enjoy a dance from two women at once. I was skeptical about the price,
but they had a whole routine worked up, and they seemed comfortable working
together. Like I said, Ashton knew how to work the customers.
I suspect that's as close as I will ever get to two simultaneously naked
women.
We stayed up there a while longer and I figured my evening was over. We were
running low on cash and I had already seen more naked flesh in one day than I
had seen in the previous 27 years. I was glad Lance had talked me into the
"VIP Lounge," but it was getting late, and I was ready to go home.
But we weren't leaving as long as Lance had cash and beer left.
I just kicked back and watched the girls dance for other fat morons in the
lounge. Later, Marilyn came up to talk to us. I got a chance to compliment
her music and presentation. She said the other girls made fun of her music.
I assured her that the customers were pleased.
I can see the patterns forming already. The Boomers have been trained to
automatically buy anything that uses John Lennon or the Rolling Stones as
background music, and in 10 years, I'll be buying all kinds of crappy products
because the commercials used Van Halen and Rick Springfield. I'll be no
better than my parents -- a slave to my demographic. Just one refrain of
"Jesse's Girl" and I'm lost in a high school flashback, wondering what
happened to Margo and that cute girl who ran the school paper.
I'm too young to be lamenting my lost youth, so I'll stop whining now.
- Advice for Younger Men -
Here's a few tidbits of wisdom for those of you who haven't been to a strip
bar yet. This is what I wish people had told me before I went.
First, be a good customer. The dancers don't love you. The dancers don't
hate you. The dancers don't want to be your girlfriend and they don't want to
go home with you. They just want to dance, collect some cash, and go home.
Like anybody else, they want to have a good time at work, but having a good
time is secondary to collecting the cash. Remember, you're only as funny as
the cash in your pocket.
You're not just paying the dancers to get naked for you. You're also paying
them to pretend you're interesting. The same reason you tip a pretty
waitress.
Getting a lap dance is a lot like getting a haircut. Everything will be fine
as long as you don't move. If you have trouble holding still during the
procedure, pretend the women are holding scissors.
Learn the difference between fantasy and reality. The strippers aren't all
money-grubbing dope fiends, and they aren't all soiled doves with hearts of
gold. Either way, it doesn't matter. Just pay your money, enjoy the show,
and get the hell out.
Leave before the glitter wears off. Don't stay too long at a strip club. If
you stay too long, the girls start to get tired and drunk. If you're sober
when you start, you'll get too drunk and they'll have to carry you away. And
if you get drunk too early, you'll sober up if you stay too long. Then you'll
start to notice the tawdry little details I wrote about above. Stay long
enough to pick the prettiest dancer and pay for a lap dance. Then get up and
go home. If some guy with a broom asks you to pick up your feet during a
show, you've stayed too long.
I can't stress this one enough. Going to a strip club is a vacation, not a
lifestyle. A little suspension of disbelief is good. But don't spend too
long in the fantasy. It's good to be funny and sexy and spoiled for a couple
hours, but don't delude yourself. You're not going to take any of these girls
home to meet the family. Seeking emotional satisfaction at a strip club is
like living on Ramen noodles. They'll tide you over for a while, but they're
no substitute for real food. I don't know why so many men develop emotional
attachments to strippers. I suspect this is a carryover from the days when
women only got naked if they loved you.
- Sidney -
I am reminded of a story Rusty told me about a trip to Six Flags. He was
standing in line with a church group when he saw this girl across the park,
standing in another line. She was wearing a little black dress, black
sneakers, and she had a little black bow in her hair.
Rusty said there was no conscious thought involved. As soon as he saw her,
his mind reverted to a primitive, atavistic state and he growled,
"Womaaan...." in a deep caveman voice.
I didn't truly understand that story until last night.
I'll come clean with you. Part of this trip was a philosophical exercise. I'm
a Libertarian. I'm an Atheist. I don't believe sex is evil, and I don't
think there's anything wrong with single men looking at naked women. Hell,
I've even decided prostitution can be healthy, in some circumstances. But
while I have accepted these things intellectually, I hadn't really broken free
of my repressed Christian programming.
I wanted to go to a strip bar so I could challenge some of my inhibitions -- a
rite of passage into manhood, nine years too late.
And there was another reason. The driving force in my life is a quest for
dignity. I fear humiliation more than anything else in this universe. Maybe
even more than death. I place a high value on composure and dignity, and I
try to appear calm and "in control" at all times.
I've been working on this for so long, I can handle almost anything without
losing my cool. I can fall down stairs, smack my head into metal pipes, drop
entire pizzas on the floor, and handle almost any kind of romantic or sexual
faux pas.
Part of this experience was an exercise in deprogramming, and part of it was a
test of my composure. I wanted to see if I could handle my first time in a
strip club without being goofy, awkward, shy, or pathetic.
I consider this trip a success because I was able to keep my cool. In fact, I
got over the initial shock so fast, I was a little disappointed.
After that brutal dance from Ashton and Scarlett, I figured I was home free.
If that couldn't shake me, I figured I was unshakable. Well done! Good
show! Pat on the back! Stiff upper lip! Time to go home!
I took down my guard at that point, so I wasn't ready when Sidney knocked me
on my ass.
* I could have handled the crisp white schoolgirl uniform, tied to expose
her midriff.
* I could have handled the green tweed skirt, riding up over a black
garter.
* I could have handled the lush auburn hair, cascading over her shoulders.
* I could have handled the ring in her bellybutton, glittering like the
star on a Christmas tree.
* I could have handled the sweet young face and big brown eyes.
* I could even handle the little tattoo in the small of her back.
But you put all those things together in one package, and I experience a
reaction very similar to Rusty's caveman reversion, so many years ago. One
look at Sidney and I lost my mind. I laid 20 bucks on that table so fast, I
think it caught fire on the way down.
I'm a pretty tough customer these days. Jaded and a little bitter.
Disillusioned about love and sex and women and just about everything else.
The whole universe is like a pathetic black comedy, laid out for my amusement.
Endless shades of black depression and gray boredom. It's nice to know
there's still something out there that can get my attention and make me take a
second look.
I saw a lot of beautiful women last night, stored up a lot of good memories
and broke down a lot of inhibitions. But I think Sidney's memory will last a
while longer, long after the rest of Monday night has faded away.
Just so you know.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#112 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMI Jaffo/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMI GwD, Inc. All rights reserved. :MONEY SHOTS INC:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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G || || \ / | || | 1 1 3 issue #113 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 111 333 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 09/20/01 w
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erin and i decided that we'd go to see the red sox massacre the rangers on
saturday and this is how the story goes...
first of, i was led into believing that pedro was going to be pitching on
saturday so i was way stoked but then i found differently...in fact, i found
that nomar and manny were not as playing as well...so i put on my red sox hat
(and urged dallas-native cutie erin in the same venture, to no avail)...we
found our places (conveniently on the third base side so red sox fans had
gathered heavily around me and i felt somewhat secure)...our plan was to watch
the game that started at 7:05 and travel back to tyler that night and arrive
in time for a good night sleep before i go into work 9am this morning...
with me?
okay soooooooooooo, the teams went back and forth--a passionate battle--
red sox had to win in order to keep good position in the wild card race and
stay close behind the hated yankees (no offense yankee fans--i can't stand
you)...and no one told me that they shot off superpyrotechnics when the
rangers hit a homerun--MUCH TO MY SURPRISE...first ranger homerun i about
bolted out of my seat and plummeted to the earth below (which was far down
from our seats--bob eucker seats)...salty pretzel, soggy nachos, just me and
my sweet erin and the kid that kept making anti-red sox exclamatories behind
me...i was about to recruit some of the boston fans nearby to join me in going
up and embarrassing this kid in front of his parents, but opted otherwise...
then it comes down to the ninth inning, still with me? (check the box
score for accurate tracking of the game--it really was exciting game)...
the normal length game of nine innings ends in a tie which means: EXTRA
INNINGS...excellent! i'm a bargain shopper and when you pay 8 bucks for
parking and 15 a pop for tickets, extra innings isn't such a bad thing...but,
unfortunately, no one told me (or i didn't get the memo) that the game was
going to last 18 innings! now, for the mathematically imbalanced, that would
be double the length of a normal game...and, well, my mind's telling me that
since i waited until august to catch a red sox game in arlington, even at the
risk of totally turning off my girlfriend, WE'RE STAYING...(all you need to
know here can be obtained from reading the four capitalized words in this
paragraph--i just noticed that).
oops, i'm gonna rewind for a second...rewind to about the fourteenth
inning...as the fans start to flush out, leaving seats closer to the action,
erin and i start to migrate towards homeplate...as we moved to the edge of our
level, aside us sat a crew of about 5 twelve year old girls and they're asking
us if we're there to get on the camera (the jumbotron--the big ol 30 foot
television viewable to everyone in the stadium)...um, yeah, of course we
were...and i don't really remember what the song was, but thanks to the
annoying shrieking of the girls beside erin and i, we caught the attention of
a guy with a camera on the level below...he swings his camera around and zooms
in on the seven of us...and, i don't know what came over me, but i lifted my
shirt to expose my bare hairy belly (which i proudly puffed out) and then i
proceeded to slap my belly while i was broadcasted to the entire stadium via
the jumbotron while erin danced innocently beside me and the girls beside me
didn't notice what i was doing until they looked at the screen and saw my
belly shaking on what was about two and half stories of screen erected high
above the ballpark at arlington...i got a kick out of it, erin didn't...i
apologized and then the girls next to me began snickering about me and my
stunt...i laughed it off...then, one of the girls next to me asked me where i
was from because i looked vaguely familiar (no, she didn't say "vaguely" or
"familiar" but something close to that)...i told her that i moved to tyler
from lubbock and blah, blah, blah...and, then, just a friendly reply to her
inquiry, i asked her where she was from and she said, "er, um, well, we, uh,
live about five hours from here"...obviously, something was up, so i asked her
what town...she said, "uh, well, i don't know" and then she asked her friend,
"what town are we from?" and they began whispering to each other...simple
question for a twelve year old, right? well, apparently this little girl that
was so welcoming and friendly when erin and i first got down there had thought
that i was prying...all the sudden, i turn into that creepy guy that your
parents tell you not to talk to...i know you've seen the afterschool special
i'm talking about...yeah, that was me, the eerie guy with sideburns that goes
around talking to little girls and gets chased off by angry parents...well,
no, obviously i wasn't trying to kidnap these kids, but i tell you: i'm only
24 years old, but i went through a lot of revelations during my visit to the
mirror in the bathroom...i am a little creepy looking...but, no, i wasn't
trying to kidnap the girls...i was so insulted by the assumption that erin and
i moved down a couple of more rows, much to the ease of the girls who thought
they had just escaped the clutches of a serial killer...heh, whatever...at
least their parents taught them well, but man, it wasn't like i was asking for
their address! anyhow, someone console me...
oh yeah, the game!! okay, soooooooooooo, rangers set a record for the
longest game in rangers history last night (timewise) and the red sox lost...
and erin and i never got our question answered: HOW CAN YOU PAY A PLAYER 250
MILLION DOLLARS AND STILL HAVE GAMES GO INTO THE 18TH INNING?...it's the
thousand dollar question and i'm dying to know the answer...
we arrived safely back in tyler at 4:30 in the morning (hey, at least the
traffic wasn't bad!) and i was at work 2 minutes late today at 9:02am...
lovely...
okay, soooooooooo, how was y'all's weekend?
j3ph
(not a kidnapper, just misunderstood)
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#113 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMI j3ph/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMI GwD, Inc. All rights reserved. :MONEY SHOTS INC:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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w _____ ____ 1 1 4 "'Doorman:' A Modern _Crime and w
D // | \ 11 11 44 Punishment_ or Dostoevsky as a Punk" D
* || ____ | || | 1 1 444 by Lobo Licious *
G || || \ / | || | 1 1 4 issue #114 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 111 4 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 09/20/01 w
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There are many common themes which span the gaps between different forms
of art. These themes resonate throughout the musical, visual (paintings,
sculptures), literary, and cinematic worlds. One theme common to works in
many media is the forms of human suffering. For instance, _Zapata_, a
painting by Jose Clemente Orozco, depicts the suffering of Mexican peasants at
the hands of others in a similar fashion to that portrayed in the works of
Franz Kafka. Likewise, the inception of George Orwell's _Animal Farm_ is much
like Fritz Lang's _Metropolis_, a film depicting the suffering of the working-
class man for the "good" of society. Fyodor Dostoevsky's _Crime and
Punishment_ and Brutal Juice's "Doorman" deal with man's suffering for his
crimes, his final acceptance of guilt, and finally his repentance. _Crime and
Punishment_, first published serially in Russia in 1866, tells the story of a
young man who kills a pawnbroker and over time comes to accept his guilt and
seek absolution. "Doorman," first released on the album _How Tasty Was My
Little Timmy?_ in 1991 (the actual version used in this discussion is from
_mutilation makes identification difficult_, released in 1995 by Interscope
Records), tells the story of a man committing a rape (or another equally
heinous crime) before finally accepting his guilt and repenting. Though they
come from different times and cultures, _Crime and Punishment_ and "Doorman"
convey the same message.
The works are very similar in plot structure. Both works have seven
distinct parts ("Parts I-VI" and "Epilogue" in _Crime and Punishment_; three
verses and three choruses and the spoken interlude in "Doorman"). The first
part of each work deals with the actual crime. The second through sixth parts
of each deal with the criminals' consciences and the attempts of others to
influence them to repent. Both men respond in the same fashion to these
attempts: Raskolnikov asks, "'I must give myself up?'" (361), as the criminal
in "Doorman" asks, "They offer me salvation, but do I really want it?" In the
epilogues of both works, the men finally realize the need for repentance.
Raskolnikov accepts his guilt early in the Epilogue but does not actually
repent until he has an epiphany: "[A]ll at once something seemed to seize
him...at last the moment had come..." (471). He truly feels sorrow for his
heinous act; he becomes a new man and realizes that it is time to move on.
The criminal in "Doorman" repents during its own epilogue; the final chorus in
which the word "Repent" appears thirteen times (three more than in any other
refrain). As the epilogue progresses, the word becomes more intense. At the
end of the song, the "Silence!" the man calls for finally arrives. He
realizes that he truly must repent. The elements relating the gradual
acceptance of crime in both works is also very much the same.
Both works combine varying degrees of intensity during the journey to
repentance. Dostoevsky's novel begins with a single idea: Raskolnikov's plan
for the pawnbroker's murder. The narrative's intensity heightens and reaches
its peak when he actually commits the murder. The intensity of the remainder
of the novel stays constant as friends and acquaintances attempt to persuade
him to admit his guilt. Raskolnikov's conscience makes him ill as he
subconsciously wishes to accept his crime for what it is. The intensity again
flares up as Raskolnikov embraces his guilt and repents. At the close of the
novel, the intensity tapers off and returns to its original level.
"Doorman" begins with a pair of guitars, starting softly. The tempo and
volume increase quickly as bass guitar and drums are added, representing the
actual crime. The tempo remains constant throughout the song's verses. The
criminal's conscience continually warns him to "Repent," even taking the form
of a serpent when he is in a dream-like state. As the song ends, the bass
guitar and drums fade away and only a single guitar remains.
The symbolism in both works is comprised of many common elements. In the
novel, Raskolnikov's name is taken from the Russian "raskol," meaning to split
asunder. His name represents the schism in his mind between knowing what is
right and actually doing it. The Doorman, spoken of in the first verse of the
song, represents a man's allowance of a similar schism to develop in his own
mind. The Doorman clearly has let his guard down and allowed evil into the
criminal's world. Religious symbols abound in _Crime and Punishment_, mainly
in the person of Sonia, the novel's Christ-figure. The prisoners in Siberia
"...even came to her for help in their illnesses" (469). Though Dostoevsky's
work clearly shows his firm belief in Christianity, it also shows his
criticism of that religion. In "Doorman," a traditional Christian story, the
Garden of Eden, is corrupted in a Kafkaesque manner: "The apple in the tree,
it hangs for me to pick / ... / But then the serpent comes, he tells me not to
bother / It doesn't taste the way it looks..." Each work includes both
Christian symbols and other symbols to add to the suffering motifs. The
crimes themselves (and the motivation behind them) are also very similar. The
wrongdoings of the criminals of each work, though different, are similar in
motivation.
Raskolnikov presents the "Superman theory," which states that certain
people are above the law and "seek...the destruction of the present for the
sake of the better" (227), as justification for his crime. He believes
himself to be one of these "Supermen" and he thinks that the murder of the
pawnbroker is justifiable by his own theory: he is somehow better than
others. The criminal in "Doorman" seems to also think of himself as better
than others. The motivation for rape is known often to be lust for power over
another. Before committing the murder, Raskolnikov's conscience shows itself
as he attempts to talk himself out of the murder: "'God, how loathsome it all
is!" (7). His conscience cannot stop him from murdering the old woman and her
sister, but it catches him later and leads to him to repent. The criminal in
"Doorman" also seems to have a conscience about his crime. The warnings of
his conscience echo those voiced by Raskolnikov: "She's not just some piece
of meat / She's a human being, for crying out loud..." Like Raskolnikov,
this man commits his crime in spite of his conscience and eventually is forced
to pay the consequences for his action. The criminal in "Doorman" clearly has
much in common with Raskolnikov.
The moral lesson of Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment is proven to be
applicable to today's society in other works of art, such as Brutal Juice's
"Doorman". Though written more than one hundred years apart, the authors of
each work wish for their respective audiences to understand the same message:
it is only through the acceptance of guilt and repentance that a criminal can
truly be rehabilitated. This message brings together two very different art
forms from different time periods and distinct cultures. Though often
regarded as merely noise (since it was a punk rock band), Brutal Juice is as
artistic in their medium as Dostoevsky is in his. Society's understanding of
the lessons taught by Raskolnikov and his counterpart in "Doorman" is a
pivotal point in the ability of man to continue existing. Dostoevsky seems to
ask, "What is the world coming to?" and, "What can we do about it?" in _Crime
and Punishment_. It is a sad commentary on society that Brutal Juice and
others still ask the same question after so much "progress." It is
notable, though, that Brutal Juice asks the question a little louder than
Dostoevsky did. Heh.
-Works Cited-
Brutal Juice. "Doorman." Perf. Brutal Juice. _mutilation makes
identification difficult_. Interscope, 1995.
Garnett, Constance, trans. _Crime and Punishment_. By Fyodor Dostoevsky.
1866. New York: Bantam, 1981.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#114 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMI Lobo Licious/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMI GwD, Inc. All rights reserved. :MONEY SHOTS INC:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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* || ____ | || | 1 1 555 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 1 5 issue #115 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 111 555 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 09/20/01 w
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Breed_x n' I went to go see a show tonight. Ended up leaving before the
band started, as they seemed to be some crappy rock band. We wandered around
a bit on the block or so of the Depot. Settled on Frank N' Steins, where we
had bad beer and a bad band. Just your typical local band, playing typical
covers. At one point I was joking around and threatened to throw Breed's ash
tray if they played a Creed song, and then three songs later they played one.
I'm such a wuss. They deserved to have an ash tray thrown at them. The
guitarist really wanted us to stick around, so we did on the condition that
they play no more Creed. I decided that Creed is actually a plot by the devil
to make christianity look bad. Anyway. Music sucked, beer sucked, but there
were tons of hot chicks for which I had no chance with and that Breed had no
real interest in, being happy in his engagement. Here's some nice quotes that
I overheard between band sets:
"I'm not just any minor, I'm a cute minor"
"I'm old, I'm 22"
Ok, so my seeing the silliness of that last quote might seem kind of
hypocritical with my last file about feeling old, but I think I understood the
irony of the statement on a level that this guy that I overheard does not.
Anyway. It was a fun night despite the generic nature of our entertainment.
I'm dj'n tomorrow, and should be free of the playlist, so I'm going to attempt
to do an obscure show. Play some b-side stuff and just stuff that generally
isn't played. It will probably suck.
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Issue#115 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMI Seth The Man/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMI GwD, Inc. All rights reserved. :MONEY SHOTS INC:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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_.---[ EPISODE II: The GwD ]---------------------------------------._
/ .----------------------------------------------------------------. \
| | ______ ____________ ___ ________ | |
| | / _____|____ ____| / \ | ____ \ | |
| | ( (___ | | / \ | |____) ) | |
| | \____ \ | | / ^ \ | __ / | |
| |________________) ) | | / /~~~\ \ | | \ \ ___________| |
| __________________/ |__|__/__/ __\__\|__| \______________ |
| ___________ \ / / \ | ____ \ / _____________ |
| | \ \ __ / / \ | |____) ) ( (___ | |
| | \ \ / \ / / ^ \ | __ / \____ \ | |
| | \ ` /\ ' / /~~~\ \ | | \ \ _______) ) | |
| | \__/ \__/__/ \__\|__| \____________/ | |
| | | |
\ `----------------------------------------------------------------' /
`-----------------------------------------[ Special STRIKES BACK ]---'
----- GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime ***** Issue # 116 -----
----- release date: 04-12-02 -----
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
Not so long ago, right here in our scuzz-bucket of a galaxy, three movies
changed the world. Now, the STAR WARS saga is continuing, and we're here to
get our names associated with it in any way we can. That's right, "GwD: The
American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" is continuing in its self-proclaimed
role as THE unOFFICIAL STAR WARS E-ZINE. This here is the second
installment, aptly titled,
"EPISODE II: The GwD STAR WARS Special STRIKES BACK."
The stuff in this file is from a variety of sources, mostly e-mails we've
received on countless occasions. No copyright infringement is intended. We
merely feel that this stuff is worthy of preservation, merely from a novelty
standpoint. Authors are credited where we knew who wrote this stuff. If you
wrote it, or know who did, drop us a line at editor@greeny.org. For
posterity, my friends, we're saving this crap for posterity.
Not that it's all crap...
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
<- CONTENTS ->
I. GENERAL STAR WARS
a. 'The Top 15 "Star Wars" Euphemisms for Masturbation' by Topfive.com
b. 'What is your Star Wars name?'
c. 'Top11 Signs You've Been Waiting in Line Too Long for "Star Wars"
Tix' by Unknown Author (Probably Topfive.com)
II. EPISODE I
a. 'STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT' by Rod Hilton
b. 'Rumination of the Day'
c. 'The Top 14 Signs You're Not Watching the Real "Phantom Menace"'
by Topfive.com
III. ORIGINAL TRILOGY
a. 'Imperial Rhapsody'
b. '21 reasons why Star Wars is better than Titanic'
IV. THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
a. 'Missing Dialogue from THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK'
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
-=> I. GENERAL STAR WARS <=-
---------------------
-> a. 'The Top 15 "Star Wars" Euphemisms for Masturbation' by Topfive.com
15> Shooting Womprats in Beggar's Canyon
14> Grooming the Wookie
13> Making the Kessel Run
12> Polishing Vader's Helmet
11> Evacuating Tatooine
10> Unsheathing the Meatsaber
9> Releasing the Special Edition
8> Jumping to Delight Speed
7> Communicating with Red Leader One
6> Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo
5> Tinkering With the R2 Unit
4> Manually Targeting the Rebel Base
3> Performing the Jedi Hand Trick
2> Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears
and Topfive.com's Number 1 "Star Wars" Euphemism for Masturbation...
1> Test Firing the Death Star
-----
-> b. 'What is your Star Wars name?' by Unknown Author
To get your Star Wars name, do the following:
1) Start with the 1st 3 letters of your last name
2) Add the first two letters of your first name
3) Add the first two letters of your mother's maiden name
4) Add the first two letters of the city in which you were born
5) Then you are allowed to remove one letter to make it sound cool
-----
-> c. 'Top11 Signs You've Been Waiting in Line Too Long for "Star Wars" Tix
by Unknown Author (Probably Topfive.com)
11> That chick dressed as Princess Leia in front of you now qualifies as your
"longest relationship with a woman."
10> Can't resist to urge to "unsheathe your lightsaber," if you know what I
mean.
9> Bossman Vader told you to take your Jedi powers to the planet of
unemployment.
8> We're bombing who? What the hell is a Kosovo?
7> A fellow fan compliments you on your Chewbacca costume, but you aren't
wearing one.
6> When a reporter asks you why you're obsessing about a movie when there's a
war in Europe, you express full confidence in President Reagan's ability
to handle the to situation.
5> Your Boba Fett lunchbox is worth $.45 more than it was when you got to the
theater.
4> The guy next to you is in line for "Episode II."
3> Obi-Wan's ghost shows up to spritz you with Lysol.
2> The dude in the Wookie suit is starting to look pretty good to you.
and the Number 1 Sign You've Been Waiting in Line Too Long for "Star Wars"
Tickets...
1> Even your most loyal supporters are starting to question your order to
"Just keep bombing Serbia until I get back."
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
-=> II. EPISODE ONE <=-
----------------
-> a. 'STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT' by Rod Hilton
(Here is an abridged script for those people that had trouble following the
plot of the movie.)
FADE IN:
INT. SPACESHIP
LIAM NEESON
It is vitally important we enter trade negotiations with the federation.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I agree. This one planet and how it trades with other planets is certainly an
important enough topic to be the entire plot of a Star Wars film.
INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
EVIL ALIEN
Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil, obviousry Asian race must prevair. I wirr
not face de Jedi. Send de droid.
INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI
A droid enters.
LIAM NEESON
I sense a disturbance in the force.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, shit.
Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin attacking the Jedi. The Jedi
use the high concentration of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force
to destroy the CGI. They run outside.
EXT. NABOO
They run until they smack into some more CGI.
JAR JAR
Who might you be?
LIAM NEESON
(staring in the general direction of Jar Jar, but not really staring at him)
I am a Jedi. There are bad things coming. Take me to your homeland.
JAR JAR
I see. That is quite interesting. I will guide you to the land from which I
have come.
Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't selling well enough.
JAR JAR (cont'd)
Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica mon,
okeyday?
EWAN MCGREGOR
(staring at something right above Jar Jar)
Good. Do you have a hotel room for me and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business to
attend to.
JAR JAR
Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.
AUDIENCE
Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you.
INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears to be better in
technology than the kinds of things in the original trilogy.
NATALIE PORTMAN
I am the queen. You've gone too far this time. I will tell the senate and you
will be in a lot of trouble.
EVIL ALIEN
I'm so sorry, Amidala.
NATALIE PORTMAN
No, no, I'm Padme now.
EVIL ALIEN
I thought when in the makeup, you were the queen.
NATALIE PORTMAN
No, I'm whoever is playing the queen at the time. The voice changes don't help
you figure this out.
EVIL ALIEN
Stop trying to confoose me! Droids, capture the queen.. or Padme.. er.. just
capture everyone!
LIAM and EWAN and, fuck, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN and other members of
her staff onto a ship and they escape. They go to Tatooine.
INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE
JAKE LLOYD
Hi there! Golly I'm cute.
NATALIE PORTMAN
You certainly are, little boy.
JAKE LLOYD
I'm the only one disturbed by the fact that I'm gonna bone you in episode two?
LIAM NEESON
Jake, I need you to have a pod race so I can get the parts I need and free
you.
JAKE'S MOM
No, I won't allow him to pod race. He'll get hurt.
(pause)
Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck.
They pod race. It looks really COOL.
GEORGE LUCAS
(attempting subtlety)
Oh! Look! There's a video game of this scene... uh.. buy it! Hey, I had to
sacrifice a part of my grand vision for these movies to include a part that
could be turned into a game, so buy it or I'll do it even more in Episode 2.
JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become very important in the
next movie. He also has to leave his protocol droid, THREEPIO.
AUDIENCE
He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever mentioned in the original trilogy?
GEORGE LUCAS
Because I just made it up. Speaking of stuff I'm just making up, how do you
like the midichlorian bullshit I pulled out of my ass?
They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.
INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL
LIAM NEESON
I want to train this boy.
YODA
Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is. Clouded his future seems. Vague my worries
are.
LIAM NEESON
Well, he is the chosen one. He will bring balance to the force. I'm training
him.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Yoda told you no, muthafucka. What the fuck is wrong with you, bitchass? I'll
fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be a fuckin bad ass in the next two fuckin movies,
you know. My toy has a fuckin lightsaber.
IAM NEESON
I'm going to go over your head and train him myself, then. So there.
He exits.
INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING
IAN MCDIARMID
Damn I'm evil.
Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER-CUTESEY like Return of
the Jedi, but CLEVER.
EXT. NABOO
NATALIE PORTMAN
I am either the queen or Padme now. Regardless, your cheesy-looking race of
annoying, unrealistic characters need to ally with our badly acting race of
creatures so we can capture this one guy.
BOSS NASS
One guy? The climax of this film revolves entirely around us capturing one,
pretty insignificant guy? Doesn't that make this whole thing kinda pointless?
NATALIE PORTMAN
No more pointless than the fact that this entire film revolves around taxes on
trade and the cutting off of one, pathetic little planet half-filled with
annoying creatures.
They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares?
Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight sequence. Darth wears black
boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black
face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL.
Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one insignificant guy and we really
don't care.
Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and we really don't care
except we want the Gungans to die.
Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space-battle, which is
mostly over by the time he arrives. We care a little bit.
INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS
MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle which has had a lot of
effort put into the choreography and is thousands of times better than any
other lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.
AUDIENCE
Whoa! This is really cool!
Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid battles going on at the
time. Eventually, we return to the good one.
DARTH MAUL
(menacing as hell)
Grrr.
Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising, especially to those of
us who bought the film score which has a song whose title gives away the
ending. He then kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on the side
and holds on for dear life.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, you certainly are an experienced fighter and there is little question
you could kick pretty much anyone's ass.
DARTH MAUL (cont'd)
Muahahahaha.
Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber, jump up out of the
shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while
MAUL stands there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies.
EXT. SPACE
JAKE LLOYD
Whoaaaaa! I'm in space! Now this is pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I'm so
cute.
JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the ship is kept. He
accidentally blows it to SHIT.
JAKE LLOYD (cont'd)
Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave Artoo!
They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all the droids and just
makes everything great, because it's always enjoyable when a serious conflict
is resolved with a slapstick accident.
EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO
The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge party ensues.
AUDIENCE
Wow! Watching this party and all this celebration has convinced me that the
tiny, pathetic problem that has been taken care of is actually really
significant! Hooray!
Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the mindless celebration and
kiddie cartoon bullshit, what actually happened was the future-emperor has
actually manipulated everything, come into great power, and that one tiny
problem has actually been resolved, but thousands more have been created.
GEORGE LUCAS
Three years, suckers. I'd make them come out sooner, but I work very hard on
my films, as I am an independant filmmaker due to my disgust with Hollywood's
commercialism. Now go buy some Star Wars toys!
THE END
-----
-> b. 'Rumination of the Day' by Unknown Author
If people are worried about the whole Y2K thing, just wait until they try to get
technical support the day "Phantom Menace" opens.
-----
-> c. 'The Top 14 Signs You're Not Watching the Real "Phantom Menace"'
by Topfive.com
14> As if the girl-girl porno action weren't tacky enough, you can actually
see the strings holding up the planets.
13> Somehow, R2-D2 manages to give Darth Maul the finger.
12> Right when Obi-Wan is about to whip out his "lightsaber," the screen goes
blank and you have to put in another 50 cents.
11> Queen Amidala looks suspiciously like one of the Olsen twins.
10> As Leia Orgasma takes off her clothes, you realize you've stumbled into
"The Phantom Moan-fest."
9> The "lightsaber duel" consists of nothing but two guys with Nerf baseball
bats making lightsaber noises with their mouths.
8> None of the previews mentioned the evil Darth Diggler or queen Ches-Ti Ho.
7> The scene of the young Anakin Skywalker straddling his Pod Racer -- arms
outstretched -- shouting, "I'm Lord of the Universe!" is just a tad
derivative.
6> "Help me, Monica... You're my only hope!"
5> Leslie Neilsen as "Dark Mall"?! I don't friggin' think so!
4> Yoda looks awfully pale, and he keeps saying "Taco Bell, yo quiero."
3> "Starring Jerry Mathers as The Menace," just doesn't sound right.
2> Anakin Skywalker is played by a small black child whose only line is
"Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Not
Watching the Real "Phantom Menace"...
1> You're having trouble reading the subtitled translations for Obi "Juan"
Kenobi.
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
-=> III. ORIGINAL TRILOGY <=-
----------------------
-> a. 'Imperial Rhapsody' (sung to Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody")
by Unknown Author
LANDO: This is the good life
This is a fantasy
Working on Bespin
An escape from Reality.
LEIA: Open your eyes
Stand up to these guys and see.
LUKE: I'm just a farmboy, I need some sympathy
Cuz who's my dad, I dunno
Little whine, little moan.
HAN: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really matter, to me
PIETT: Vader just killed a man.
Raised an arm up in the air
Now his life is no longer there.
Vader, we had just begun,
And now I've gone and lost the reb-el scum.
Vader, ooooooo.
Didn't mean to make you mad
If I'm not alive again this time tomorrow,
There'll be a new admiral, as if nothing ever happened.
YODA: Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time.
LUKE: Goodbye everybody, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and learn the Force.
PIETT: Vader, ooooooooo.
I don't want to die
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.
LUKE: I see a little silhouetto of a man
Palpatine, Palpatine, can it be the Emperor?
Thunderbolts and lightning, very very hurting me!
R2-D2, R2-D2,
R2-D2, R2-D2,
R2-D2, Where'd ya go? C-3PO O O O O O OH!
I'm just a farmboy, nobody loves me.
REBELS: He's just a farmboy, with a dead family.
Spare him this life of such mendacity!
HAN: Spice'll come, spice'll go. Jabba let me go.
JABBA: Bo shuda! (NO, we will not let you go)
HAN: Let me go!
JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
HAN: Let me go!
JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
C3PO: Oh R2-D2, R2-D2, R2-D2, Come along.
LEIA: C-3PO has a rebel put aside for meeeee, for meeeeee,
for MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(Stormtroopers start headbanging)
LUKE: So you say you're the dear old dad of mine?
But you cut my hand off and left me to die!
Oh Vader, can't do this to me, Vader.
I know there's some good, I know there's still some good in you.
OBIWAN: May the Force be with you.
Use the Force to see.
May the Force be with you,
May the Force be with you, alwaaaaaaaaaaaaays.
HAN: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really mat-ter,
to meeeeeeee.
-----
-> b. '21 reasons why Star Wars is better than Titanic' by Unknown Author
1. The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.
2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.
3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose
is just marriage bait.
4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.
5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say, "Look at the size of that
thing!" and really mean it.
6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman
with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.
7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters.
Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.
8. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.
9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his
fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he
strangles people and blows up planets for fun.
10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?
11. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.
12. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.
13. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world?"
14. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would
use the Force to get the key.
15. "I'd rather be his whore than your wife," just doesn't have the same sting
as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."
16. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply
freezes.
17. Han Solo would've steered clear of that damn iceberg!
18. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated, "Luke....I
am your father."
19. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in
Titanic was a stupid minor character.
20. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet
Earth, George Lucas did not make a dork of himself at the Oscars.
21. Titanic morals:
a. gamble,
b. cheat on your husband,
c. pose nude for pictures,
d. premarital sex is OK if you're infatuated.
Star Wars morals:
a. fight evil,
b. do good,
c. respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers,
d. rescue princess,
e. save planet.
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
-=> IV. THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK <=-
----------------------------
-> a. 'Missing Dialogue from THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK' by Unknown Author
Vader Strikes Back
There's going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release of EMPIRE
STRIKES BACK coming up next year! Basically, it expands on the scene where
Vader reveals his fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some loose ends created with
the release of Episode 1...
The Empire Strikes Back: Extra-Special Edition
INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER:
A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER
towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand!
It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks
around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.
Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No... I am your father!
Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.
Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...
Luke: NO!
Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass
droid of yours?
Luke: Threepio?
Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...
Luke: No...
Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no
hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the
swamp.
Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!
Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a
Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
Luke: Well, it's not my fault...
Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I
wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of
the Sith... waahhh wahhh!"
Luke: Shut up...
Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had
exterminated the Jedi knights!
Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon.
Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the
Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right
here baby!
Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.
Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are,
but you sure ain't mine...
Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.
Darth Vader looks after him.
Darth Vader: Get a haircut!
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
(NOTE: STAR WARS and related terms are registered trademarks of
Lucasfilm Ltd.
If you don't know what we mean by "related terms," you are a deprived
soul who should kindly fuck off.
Oh yeah, and all registered trademarks are used without permission,
but since this is a free e-zine, it wouldn't really be worthwhile to
sue us, would it?
So there. SO THERE. CHACH.)
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#116 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
distributed MMII GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMII Original Authors-no infringement intended :GLORIOUS TA-TAS:
presented by The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 1 777 "The History of the Future" w
D // | \ 11 11 7 by The BMC D
* || ____ | || | 1 1 7 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 1 7 issue #117 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 111 7 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 04/12/02 w
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
First there was now, and then -
First there was now and then there was -
First there was -
Now, then there-
First -
There -
Was -
Now -
Then -
Now -
First -
Was -
First there was now and then there was then, which is now now (now is
now then).
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#117 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMII The BMC/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved. :GLORIOUS TA-TAS:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 1 888 "Defending Redd" w
D // | \ 11 11 8 8 by Havoc D
* || ____ | || | 1 1 888 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 1 8 8 issue #118 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 111 888 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 04/12/02 w
D D
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Ok all you green bleeders, just hang on a sec.
Seth is saying he feels older. Licious is talking about quality. Jaffo went
to a nudie bar and good ol fastjack (whom I thought dead for a time) shows his
pride and loyalty.
So what the hell?
Yeah, its an age thing, for the most part. It's a category more specifically.
From early teens you want to hit 18 so bad it hurts. Then there's the magical
21 and you turn into a booze-hound for a time. Then you hit 25, and your
insurance drops in price (see, they think you're getting wiser with age).
Then you creep up on 30 - the end of life as you know it.
But its not. I call it "the great revelation".
This is where you take your life into account, and you see where it is, where
you are heading, and where you ultimately want to be while still clinging onto
the youthful activities of yesterday only now it starts to hurt a little more.
30 is your wake up call - you take a step back, and you see how your character
has developed through interaction with trials and tribulations (and of course
you have to use the word 'smarmy' at least 4 times a week).
So what the hell?
I took 2 weeks off of work to get away for a while (and apply elsewhere -
anywhere - dear god give me another job). And I went to a friend's house and
we proceed to get 'tore-down.' Well, this little FUCK-WIT pulls up on a brand
new Harley-Davidson Nightrain; it seems daddy has purchased his college boy a
gift.
And I hated him from the jump.
Now, there are not many people on this rock called earth that love the symbol
and shield more than I; in fact, I'd say I'm in the top 10. So, shitbird
starts bitching about the bike after I compliment it.
"Well, it just runs out of gas unexpectedly."
Ok NIMROD!!!! Theres a reserve tank on the bike for just such an event!!!!!!
Did you read the owners manual??? No. So I proceed to show him the lever to
switch from reserve to primary.
"Oh well, that's cool. This one just seems too loud though."
Start of eye twitch.
"Its got custom Screamin' Eagle pipes man. What did you expect?"
"Well it just doesn't run right."
"Gimme the damn key!"
(I was joking...I'd kick the piss out of someone for that little statement.)
So he hands it over and must have noticed my eyes widen: "You know how to
ride right?"
Brian just laughed at him.
In that brief instant I knew what it was - there was an itch in my spirit that
wanted me to throttle this little fuck. But I got a little gray on the muzzle
now, so I just look at the opportunity to ride a Nightrain.
I took it around and up and down the block for a while. It had a carb kit on
it too, I noticed that pretty quickly.
So I come back and say, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with this ride."
During the ride, the short sleeve crawled up the arm to show the Harley
tattoo.
"Well, of course you'd say that," (nodding to the mark on my arm) and then it
hit.
"Listen you half-a-fag, if you're so ungrateful as to look at this gift as
anything less than a godsend..."
At this point Brian just shoves a beer into my chest and says, "Ok, ok, here,
relax."
So I get off my soap-box and just sit there in disgust.
Earn it. That's all I'm saying.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#118 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMII Havoc/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved. :GLORIOUS TA-TAS:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 1 999 "Whoopty Woop" w
D // | \ 11 11 9 9 by Bob tMotW and Lobo "Booty" Licious D
* || ____ | || | 1 1 999 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 1 9 issue #119 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 111 999 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 04/12/02 w
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
This here is a money-making scheme we developed. We hope you enjoy. It'll
work for us, no doubt. If *YOU* try it, though, you might get arrested or
even deported.
Phase I - White Slavery
-----------------------
Kidnap lots and lots of white babies. You might ask, "Why white? Are you
fuckers racist or something?" The answer to this is a resounding "No!"
Why white indeed...
We hear that white children (specifically, very young children, commonly
called 'babies') fetch top dollar as slaves in the Sudan and the Western
Sahara. That's why we want white kids. We'd kidnap other races (y'know,
gooks and punjabs) if we could turn a profit.
Once we have made a significant profit in the white-slave trade, we will sell
our slavery ring to our high school European History teacher, affectionately
known as "Pillows." We will then move on to Phase II.
Phase II - Professional Gamblers
--------------------------------
Using the money we gleaned from selling cute little honkeys into slavery, we
will set ourselves up as professional gamblers. We'll play nickel and quarter
slots, mostly, but we'll dress flashy, hang out with trashy girls, and finagle
our way into comp'ed suites at Las Vegas resorts. We'll be perpetually drunk
(on comp'ed booze), and we'll have the best coke and smack flown in from South
America for us and our trashy girls. We will reside in our comp'ed suites,
winning nickel and quarter jackpots, until Linkin Park comes to Vegas on a
tour.
Phase III - Linkin Park
-----------------------
Yes, Linkin Park. We don't really like Linkin Park, but they're an integral
part of our scheme. Bob and Lobo somewhat resemble (if you squint and it's
really dark outside) the two singers/rappers in this shitty band. Aww yeah.
When they come to Vegas, we'll use our ill-gotten gains to infiltrate the
Linkin Park organization. Right before a show, we'll get those two chaches
really stoned on our South American narcotics and send them to our white-
slavery contacts in the Sudan (even though, we think, one of them may be
chinkish). We will thus take the stage in the guise of Linkin Park. Our
first acts, after miserably sucking at the show that night, will be to fire
the other members of the band and to replace them with Pillows and the Schunk.
Linkin Park will thus be remade in our image, and we will exploit it for our
own financial gain.
Phase IV - Repeat as Needed
---------------------------
Uhh, yeah. The title is self-explanatory.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#119 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMII Bob tMotW & Lobo "Booty" Licious/GwD Pubz /---------------\
copyright (c) MMII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :GLORIOUS TA-TAS:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"Faith No More: The Real Thing"
The following is a transcriptiom of the lyrics to Faith No More's album:
The Real Thing.
All lyrics by Faith No More. Lyrics copyright (c), 1989 by Big Thrilling
Music/Vomit God Music ASCAP.
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE
Tossed into my mind, stirring the calm
You splash me with beauty and pull me down
Cuz you come from out of nowhere (oh-whoa-oh)
My glance turns to a stare
Obsession rules me-I'm yours from the start
I know you see me-our eyes interlock
Cuz you come from out of nowhere (oh-whoa-oh)
My glance turns to a stare
One minute here and one minute there
Don't know if I'll laugh or cry
One minute here and one minute there
And then you wave goodbye...
Sitting to the bottom, everyday for two
All energy funnels, all becomes you
Cuz you come from out of nowhere (oh-whoa-oh)
My glance turns to a stare
One minute here and one minute there
Don't know if I'll laugh or cry
One minute here and one minute there
And it hurts inside
One minute here and one minute there
And then you wave goodbye
(goodbye)
EPIC
Can you feel it, see it, hear it today?
If you can't then it doesn't matter anyway
You will never understand it cuz it happens to fast
And it feels so good, it's like walking on glass
It's so cool, it's so hip, it's alright
It's so groovy, it's outta sight
You can touch it, smell it, taste it so sweet
But it makes no difference cuz it knocks you off your feet
You want it all but you can't have it
(yeah,yeah,yeah)
It's cryin', bleedin', a'lying on the floor
So you lay down on it and you do it some more
You've got to share it, so you dare it
Then you bear it and you tear it
You want it all but you can't have it
(yeah,yeah,yeah)
It's in your face but you can't grab it
(yeah,yeah,yeah)
It's alive, afraid, a lie, a sin
It's magic, it's tragic, it's a loss, it's a win
It's dark, it's moist, it's a bitter pain
It's sad it happened and it's a shame
You want it all but you can't have it
(yeah,yeah,yeah)
It's in your face but you can't grab it
(yeah,yeah,yeah)
What is it!?!
It's it
What is it?
It's it
What is it?
It's it
What is it?
It's it
(long musical interlude)
What--is--it?!?
It's it
What is it?
It's it
What is it?
It's it
You want it all but you can't have it
(yeah,yeah,yeah)
It's in your face but you can't grab it
(yeah,yeah,yeah)
It's it
What is it?
It's it
What is it?
It's it
What is it?
It's it
(yeah,yeah,yeah)
What is it?
It's it
(above two lines repeat 15 more times)
FALLING TO PIECES
Back and forth, I sway with the wind
Resolution slips away again
Right through my fingers, back into my heart
Where it's out of reach and it's in the dark
Sometimes I think I'm blind
Or I may be just paralyzed
Because the plot thickens everyday
And the pieces of my puzzle keep crumblin' away
But I know, there's a picture beneath
Indecision clouds my vision
No one listens
Because I'm somewhere in between
O' my love and my agony
You see, I'm somewhere in between
My life is falling to pieces
Somebody put me together
Layin' face down on the ground
My fingers in my ears to block the sound
My eyes shut'n tight to avoid the sight
Anticipating the end, losing the will to fight
Droplets of "yes" and "no"
In an ocean of "maybe"
From the bottom, it looks like a steep incline
From the top, another downhill slope o' mine
But I know, the equilibrium's there
Indecision clouds my vision
No one listens
Because I'm somewhere in between
O' my love and my agony
You see I'm somewhere in between
My life is falling to pieces
Somebody put me together
Back and forth I sway with the wind
Resolution slips away again
Right through my fingers, back into my heart
Where it's out of reach and it's in the dark
Sometimes I think I'm blind
Or I may be just paralyzed
Because the plot thickens everyday
And the pieces of my puzzle keep crumblin' away
But I know there's a picture beneath
Indecision clouds my vision
No one listens
Because I'm somewhere in between
O' my love my agony
You see I'm somewhere in between
My life is falling to pieces
Somebody put me together
In between
{(O' my love and my agony
You see I'm somewhere in between
My life is falling to pieces
Somebody put me together) repeated 3 times}
SURPRISE! YOU'RE DEAD!
Surprise! You're dead!
Ha ha ha! Open your eyes
See the world as it used to be when you used to be in it
When you were alive and when you were in love
And when I took it from you!
It's not over yet
You don't remember?
I won't let you forget
The hatred I bestowed
Upon your neck with a fatal blow
From my teeth and my tongue
I've drank and swallowed, but it's just begun
Now you are mine
I'll keep killing you until the end of time
Surprise! You're dead!
Guess what?
It never ends
The pain, the torment and torture, profanity
Nausea, suffering, perversion, calamity
You can't get away
It's not over yet
You don't remember?
I won't let you forget
The hatred I bestowed
Upon your neck with a fatal blow
From my teeth and my tongue
I've drank and swallowed, but it's just begun
Now you are mine
I'll keep killing you until the end of time
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Surprise! You're dead!
Ah ha ha ha ha! Open your eyes
Surprise! You're dead!
Guess what?
It never ends
never ever ends!
ZOMBIE EATERS
You're everything
That's why I cling to you
When I emerge
My thoughts converge to you
To you
The world is so small
Compared to you
And everybody's wrong
Compared to you
To you
I begin to see through your eyes
All the former mysteries are no surprise
So now you listen
Cuz I'm omniscient
Hey look at me lady
Why I'm just a little baby
You're lucky to have me
I'm cute and sweet as candy
As charming as a fable
I'm innocent and disabled
So hug me and kiss me
Then wipe my butt and piss me
I hope you never leave
Cuz who would hear me scream?
Nobody understands
Except the toys in my hands
So now you listen
Cuz I'm omniscient
Hey look at me lady
I'm just a little baby
If I smile, then you smile
Then I'll get mad for awhile
I melt in your mouth
And in your hands whenever I can
But I really do nothing
Except kickin' and fussin'
I like to make a mess
I laugh at your distress
I sit all day in my crib
Absorbing all you give
I'm helpless
I'm flawless
I'm a machine
Give me!
I need my toys
WOW!
Keep me hot
Keep me strong
Keep me ever-everlong
Keep me hot
Keep me strong
Keep me ever-everlong
Keep me hot
Keep me strong
Keep me ever-everlong
Keep me hot
Keep me strong
Keep me ever-everlong
Keep me hot
Keep me strong
Keep me ever-everlong
So now you listen
Cuz I'm omniscient
EDGE OF THE WORLD
(snapping fingers)
Do do do do
Do do do do'n do do
Come here, my love
I'll tell you a secret
Come closer, now
I want you to believe it
I'll tell you all the things
You want to hear
Don't worry baby
There's nothing to fear
Hey, little girl
Would you like some candy?
Look into my eyes
I've seen it all
Hand in hand
Together we fall
We'll sing and dance
And we'll find romance
And we'll stroll to the edge of the world
Come sit right down
Lay your head on my shoulder
It's not the point
That I'm forty years older
You can trust me
I'm no criminal
But I'd kill my mother to be with you be with you be with you be with you
Sing and dance
And we'll find romance
And we'll stroll to the edge of the world
Give me a smile
Let me see those pearlies
I'll do an'thing
For the little girlies
(muffled kissing sound)
(Nah nah nah nah is repeated, and the song fades away)
THE REAL THING
I know the feeling
It is the real thing
The essence of the truth
The perfect moment
That golden moment
I know you feel it too
I know the feeling
It is the real thing
You can't refuse the embrace
No!
It's like the pattern below the skin
You gotta reach out and pull it all in
And you feel like you're too close
But you swallow another dose
The pinnacle of happiness
Filling up your soul
You don't think you can take any more
You never wanna let go
To touch the roots of experience
The most basic ingredients
To see the unseen glitter of life
And feel the dirt, grief, anger and strife
Cherish the certainty of now
It kills you a bit at a time
Cradle the inspiration
It will leave you writhing on the floor
This is so unreal, what I feel
This nourishment, life is bent
Into a shape I can hold
A twist of fate, all my own
Just grit your teeth and make no sound
Take a step away and look around
Just clench your fist and shut your eyes
Look deep inside, hypnotize
The whisper is but a shout
That's what it's all about
Yes, the ecstasy, you can pray
You will never let it slip away
Like the sacred song that someone sings through you
Through you
Like the flesh so warm that the thorn sticks into
Into
Like the dream you know one day will come to life
Life
Try to hold on just a little longer, longer
Stronger, stronger
It's the jewel of victory
The chasm of misery
And once you have bitten the core
You will always know the flavor
The split second of divinity
You drink up the sky
All of heaven is in your arms
You know the reason why
It's right there, all by itself
And what you are, there is nothing else
You're growing a life within a life
The lips of wonder kiss you inside
And when it's over the feeling remains
It all comes down to this
The smoke clears, I see what it is
That made me feel this way
I know the feeling
It is the real thing
The essence of the truth
The perfect moment
That golden moment
I know you feel it too
I know the feeling
It is the real thing
You can't refuse the embrace
This is so unreal, what I feel
Flood, sell your soul, feel the blood
Pump through your veins, can't explain
The element that's everything
Just clench your fist and close your eyes
Look deep inside, hypnotize
Yes the ecstasy, you can pray
You will never let it slip away
Yes the ecstasy, you can pray
You will never let it slip away
You will never let it slip away
You will never let it slip away
Like the echoes of your childhood laughter, ever after
Like the first time love urged you to take its guidance, in silence
Like your heartbeat when you realize you're dying, but you're trying
Like the way you cry for a happy ending
Ending, ending
(above line repeated a few times)
I know the feeling
It is the real thing
(above line repeated a few times, then fades)
UNDERWATER LOVE
Looking down into the water
It's hard to make out your face
If our love is drowning, then why
Do I feel so out of place?
Bubbling up to the surface
Are you getting a breath of fresh air?
Forever longing to make you mine
But I can't escape your stare
Liquid seeps into your lungs
But your eyes look so serene
It's wonderful how the surface ripples
But you're perfect and I cannot breathe
Forever longing to make you mine
But I can't escape your stare
Hold me closer, keep me near
My underwater love
Hold me closer, keep me near
I'll never get enough
Touch me from below
I'll never let you go
Touch me from below
I'll never let you go
Touch me from below
I'll never let you go
But I can't escape
Hold me closer, keep me near
My underwater love
Hold me closer, keep me near
I'll never get enough
Hold me closer, keep me near
My underwater love
Hold me closer, keep me near
I'll never get enough
Touch me from below
I'll never let you go
(above two lines are repeated, and gradually fade)
THE MORNING AFTER
Awakened by the sunlight
Victimized by last night
Memories flashin' through my head
Was I just born or am I dead?
Yesterday's forgotten, the morning after
I can taste you, I can hear your laughter
Fading in the distance
Recollections drifting
Bloodstains on my tattered clothes
Each minute the fear grows
If I could just lay down to rest
I'm tired of searching for myself
If I am dead, why can I feel such love?
If I am dead, why am I dreaming?
If I am dead, where do I go from here?
If I am dead, why does this pain feel so good?
Is this my blood dried upon my face?
Or is it the love of someone else?
It tastes so sweet, just like you used to
So rescue me my love, splice us together
I remember loving you so much
But where are you, and where's your fatal touch?
When I closed my eyes, was it my siesta?
Did I encounter a darkness stronger than sleep?
If I am dead, why can I feel such love?
If I am dead, why am I dreaming?
If I am dead, where do I go from here?
If I am dead, why does this pain feel so good?
I am thirsty for my sleep
There are no answers anyway
There you have it. The first part of the GwD Songbook. How'd you like
it? If enough of you like it, there's more where that came from. If enough
of you don't like it there probably won't be any more lyrics files. I chose
Faith No More because they are an official band, and because they kick ass.
The Real Thing is available on Slash Records, and I strongly suggest that you
all get it.
-Lobo, 11/26/93
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth the Man (Birthplace of GwD, Mission Control)
Gridpoint node one at 14400bps (806)763-4801; node two at
2400bps (806)763-5072,,22
SysOp-Transderm-Nitro (First Conquest)
Federation Slayers' (806)799-1184
SysOp-Big Red Fed
Starchy White Boy BBS (806)788-1943
SysOp-Zippy (e-mail Zippy for the current NUP)
Light My Fire (806)792-4926
SysOp-Ailanthus
copyright (c),1993 by Lobo
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c),1993 by Lobo
All rights reserved
You Can't Be Something You're Not
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD12
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 222 000 "SKLUH, GLUH, GLAAAHHHH!" w
D // | \ 11 2 0 0 by Otis D
* || ____ | || | 1 222 0 0 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 2 0 0 issue #120 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 222 000 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 04/12/02 w
D D
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Ever wondered what porn stars mean by the sounds they make? Here are some
sexual 'terms' you might find handy:
Approved GwD Terms/Sounds for Fucking
-------------------------------------
"SKLUH" - This is a term for vaginal intercourse. It can be used as a
substitute for moaning/grunting by the male, e.g. "Skluh...skluh...skluh"
(said with each thrust).
"GLUH" - This term denotes oral sex, specifically fellatio. For example, when
the girl is choking down that horsecock, she should make a noise that sounds
like "gluh-gluh-gluuuhhhh."
"GLAAAAHHHHHHHHH" - This, my favorite term, is used for male-on-female anal
sex. This term does not apply to male-male anal sex. Sorry, faggots.
Lesbians, provided they use strap-ons, may use this term at their own risk.
Proper usage is when the girl is taken by surprise. A little bit of the old
unexpected backdoor delivery, if you will. Instead of "Whoops, it slipped,"
one should exclaim "GLLLAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" at the top of his lungs.
-----
The following terms ARE NOT APPROVED for usage by the powers that be in GwD.
***** USE AT YOUR OWN RISK *****
Deuterocanonical Sex Terms
--------------------------
"SKLAAAAHHHHHHH" - This term is similar to "GLAAAAHHHHHHHHH," only instead of
replacing "Whoops, it slipped," it replaces "Whoops, it slipped from your ass
into your mouth."
"BLAAAAHHHHH" - This is the noise you should make when you plant the
proverbial "money shot" (or "chach shot," as the case may be - see Oscar the
Pornographer's treatise on this matter in gwd86.txt) on your partner's face.
"GLIT" - This should be used after "GLAAAAHHHHH," in much the same method as
one would use "SKLUH," only "GLIT" is said with each thrust of one's member
into the anal cavity.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#120 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMII Otis/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :GLORIOUS TA-TAS:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 222 1 "Mein Jewlatto" w
D // | \ 11 2 11 by Ciacco the Hog and D
* || ____ | || | 1 222 1 Bob the Master of the World *
G || || \ / | || | 1 2 1 issue #121 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 222 111 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 05/17/02 w
D D
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of fried chicken."
No, this isn't a Negroni masquerading as a Hebe. It is the song of the
Jewlatto, the spotlight mixed race of the week. For those of you not in the
know, the Jewlatto is the result of a union of the Negrous and Jewish races.
While each race separately has endured derision and racism, the resulting
Jewlatto enjoys only the most advantageous of the traits of the "afro-
mentioned" races. While each race has been considered a regression of
humanity, the Jewlatto is humanity's future. The face of the future sports a
protuberant nose, DSLs (dick-sucking lips), and a "phat afro." Other physical
traits of the Jewlatto include a mighty, athletic build and a fatty-lumpkin
cock. Other than the nose, the Jewlatto possesses predominantly Negrous
bodily characteristics, but this is offset by the mental inheritance from the
Hebrewan parent. The Jewlatto will possess abundant natural intelligence as
well as a "frugal" fiscal policy. Though the Jewlatto keeps a tight grip on
his purse-strings, he will occasionally blow a lot of money souping up his
ride and engaging the services of the "bitches and hoes." The Jewlatto's garb
consists of a FUBU yarmulke and a girthy, diamond-studded Star of David (with
a dollar-sign in the middle of it) on a gold chain. Sometimes amidst the
curls can be found long Orthy locks. The Yid-kid (or "Levite") will be fluent
in both Ebonics and Yiddish. He will listen to Two Live Jews and The Jew and
His Motley Crew. Diet will consist of fried gefilte fish and watermelon,
washed down with some kosher malt liquor. The Jewlatto is in rare form during
the festive time of "Kwanzanakah." The Jewlatto's role models include George
Washington Carverstein, creator of the fried peanut, and Shaniquah Streisand,
the singing sensation. Based on our asinine but rigorous scientific research,
we have found that the Jewlatto is more easily adaptable to the climate of the
21st century than other passe racial mixtures such as the Hispanislopes,
Pollwops, and "A-rabs."
For more fun facts and to sign up to contribute to the Jewlatto Creation Fund,
please visit www.jewlatto.org.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#121 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMII Ciacco & Bob/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :SEND MORE MONEY:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 222 222 "Geekified Hovel" w
D // | \ 11 2 2 by Seth The Man D
* || ____ | || | 1 222 222 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 2 2 issue #122 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 222 222 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 05/17/02 w
D D
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
My apartment is a mess.
There really is no question of how much of a geek I am, after one looks at my
apartment. I impress the pizza delivery guys with my geek apartment. The view
from the doorway is of my 19" equipment rack, which houses all my stereo
equipment (Sony dolby/dts receiver, VCR, digital cable box), Chaos (my server,
in it's nifty rackmount matte black case), my old 19" monitor (almost 5 years
and still brilliant. Doesn't pay to skimp on monitors) and my center channel
speaker stacked up high, on top of the rack. My front speakers are positioned
about 4' to either side of the rack, my rear speakers in the ceiling corners
opposite, and my sub just to the right of Entropy (my entertainment computer)
which is to the right of the rack...yea, don't worry, the sub is shielded. Set
above the sub, to the right of the rack is the excellent ChaosLAN sign that
[Hallucination] made from an old satellite dish. Positioned just in front of
the rack and to the left is my nifty forest green leather chair. I love that
chair. My Mom had it redone in dark green just for me. Only problem is, the
guys who re-did it forgot to make the bottom buttons vents, so if you sit down
too hard in it, you'll fire a button off to some random corner of the room. I
have a coat rack behind the chair and a coffee table at the left hand of the
chair, where I set my laptop. Once you've stepped inside the doorway, you'll
see the wires strung all over the place. In true geek-bachelor style, I've
done little to hide the 12 gauge speaker wire and cat-5 cables that run all
over my apartment. Under the turtle art my sister made and gave to me, is my
ugly but surprisingly comfortable and frighteningly seductive pull-out brown
couch. It is just in front of the door now, moved to the wall so I could have
room for the dartboard & cabinet that [Priest] gave me, which is hung on the
wall opposite, at an incorrect height, waiting to be adjusted. Under the dart
board is my daystand, where I keep my cellphone charger (which is my only
phone, I've eliminated the landline), an antique crystal change tray with a
unicorn head carved in it (left to me by my great-grandmother), a rubber hand,
and a beer coozey stuffed with pens and an American flag. To the left of my
daystand, just past my hockey stick, is a shelf-unit thing that houses my
video and DVD collection. On top of that rests my fish, alpha(.7), in a
generally under-filled fish bowl with a black and white plastic
under-water-plant-thing behind the bowl instead of in. On the front wall of
the apartment is a coffee table passed to me from my parents through my
sister, which is stacked with an eclectic collection of items, like a
Spider-man book, and an old surveillance camera electric-taped to a power
transformer, and filled with incense. Speaking of cameras, the old ChaosCAM is
on the other side of the room, still attached to the servo (which allowed
limited movement). The camera still works. I have no clue as to the current
state of the servo. I should get that working again some day. I'll avoid the
kitchen, because aside from the Creede Reperatory Theatre poster behind my
kitchen table, it is most like any other kitchen. The downstairs 1/2 bathroom
has no toilet paper, and the closet under the stairs is half filled with old
computer monitors and an old lamp. The stairs head upstairs to where my full
bath, office and bedroom are. Cat-5 and speaker cable run up the outside of
the stairs to my office, to connect to my Bose bookshelf speakers and ethernet
switch which sit upon my bookshelves, half obscured by all the books that have
no more room inside the bookshelf. These books are composed mostly of Terry
Pratchet and Kurt Vonnegut Jr. The other space in the bookshelf is taken by
the green-monochrome monitors that are connected to the ChaosCam in the den,
and the PorchCam on the porch, whose wire runs from the monitor to my bedroom
window to down under the eaves on my porch. Across from the bookshelf in my
office is my desk, which is an old door placed on two filing cabinets. The
cabinet on the left is a plain old sheetmetal filing cabinet filled with old
floppy disks and various computer accessories. The other filing cabinet is a
pretty hardwood cabinet, and is filled with old financial documents, hardware
and software manuals, and my porn stash. I don't know why I hide porn in my
own apartment, being 23 and living alone, but I do. On my desk is an executive
lamp which is plugged in through an X10 module that responds to a motion
detector in my office. I have a lamp on my fish bowl downstairs which is also
activated by the motion detector, although I don't remember why. Behind the
lamp is a box which originally held candy cigarettes, (apparently used by
Spider-Man) but now contains a plastic figure of Spider-Man. Next to the candy
cigarrette box is a cell-phone/glasses cozy that is green and has a cat
knitted on it. It was made by my friend [Purpldrgn] from New Jersey who I have
not talked to for probably a year. I should really try and call her up again.
On the other end of my desk are my computer monitors. One is just sitting on
the desk, but the other is on an articulated arm that is bolted into the door
(one of the advantages to having a desk surface that was cheap is you can
drill holes in it). In front of the monitors are generally bills, old copies
of past-important documents, old harddrives, old CDRs, and a Far-Side calendar
that is apparently the last of the line in Far-Side off-the-wall calendars.
There is an old phone that my old girlfriend Tracie got for me sometime when I
was 15, so that I would use my phone line for telephone calls instead of my
BBS. It is black and has a 'Sekrut Squirrel' sticker on it. I also generally
set whatever book I am reading at the moment somewhere in this area, for when
I am waiting for my comptuer to do something. The actual computer is now under
my desk, along with my scanner and printer. My bedroom is cluttered. I have a
double-closet that has miscellaneous junk (old paintball equipment, softballs,
yo-yos) in boxes, my collection of computer hardware/software boxes that date
back to '95, all along the floor. On the racks are a few articles of clothes,
mostly jeans that don't fit anymore and shirts that I don't like anymore. The
rest of my clothes are scattered about the floor. These are, for the most
part, clean. I have a bad habit of just dumping my laundry basket out on the
floor after I do laundry so I can haul the next batch of dirty clothes down to
the washer. My dirty clothes are collected in two different boxes in the
corner of the room behind my closet door. Along one wall I have a collection
of isolated socks. And on the front wall, next to the window, my bed sits
under a giant 'Mixed-Up' poster. Hanging from the ceiling in the corner over
my bed is my reading lamp and only light source in the room aside from the
closet light. At the foot of my bed is another sheet-metal filing cabinet
filled with random things like discarded monitor stands and old walkmans. On
top of the cabinet is my alarm clock/radio/phone, from which I use only the
alarm clock. Next to that is the lava lamp my sister gave me for Christmas. It
has blue water and green lava.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#122 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMII Seth The Man/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :SEND MORE MONEY:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 222 333 "Me and Mongo Jones" w
D // | \ 11 2 3 by Ciacco the Hog, Lobo Licious, and D
* || ____ | || | 1 222 333 Bob the Master of the World *
G || || \ / | || | 1 2 3 issue #123 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 222 333 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 05/17/02 w
D D
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Have you never heard of Mongo Jones?
Mongo Jones was born in late 1997. His actual birthdate is unknown, as is his
actual place of residence. He is somewhat of a distributed entity. Though
only five years old, he is already 4'11" and encroaching on a deuce and a half
(250 pounds for you stupid fucks). You may say to yourself, "How could this
be? A child of only 5 years weighing so much. Who were the parents? What
the fuck is going on? Child abuse!"
To see who the parents are, perhaps you should look in the mirror while
comparing your once-willowy figure to an old High School yearbook. The
"Freshman 15" inadequately describes the horrors of post-high school obesity.
Yes, my friends, Mongo Jones is YOU. And me. And all the others who have
packed on the pounds since the glory days. While individually, we may call
our fattishness by special names like "Lionel" (Lobo Licious's gut), "Nigel"
(Ciacco the Hog's girth) or "Gaylord" (j3ph's belly), collectively, they are
known as the infamous Mongo Jones. We have found through careful study that,
despite the fact that most of us have graduated from college, Mongo continues
to grow at an exponential rate. By the time we reach 30, Mongo Jones will be
unstoppable. Or we'll all be morbidly obese. Perhaps our high school reunion
will be held at the Fat Farm.
Contributors to Mongo Jones (approximate weight gain - may vary day to day)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ciacco the Hog (25 pounds)
Lobo Licious (30 pounds)
Bob the Master of the World (25 pounds)
Seth The Man (35 to 100 pounds)
Yancey Slide (30 pounds)
Rear Admiral Muldoon... (-10 pounds - How the hell did this happen?)
Sir Flea (40 pounds)
Frank Ferra (50 pounds)
Bruno (2 pounds)
Bill Hooper (5 pounds of pure muscle mass)
Snotty (15 pounds of tits and ass)
MONGO'S TOTAL WEIGHT TO DATE: 247 to 312 pounds
Look around at your friends from High School, and observe the protruding guts.
While you may not have contributed to Mongo Jones, you have most likely
contributed to one of the following entities: Girthy Sam, Tubby Smith, Fatty
Lumpkin, Bulbous Bill, or Hey-Hey-Fat Sarah.
The fattishness must be stopped. Or not.
We'd write more, but Mongo Jones needs to eat.
[The food and alcohol Mongo consumed during the writing of this file were
provided by: Giorgio's, Don Pablo's, Bigham's Smokehouse, the Cellar
Beer-barn, Krispy Kreme, Amante, Taco Bell, Whataburger, One Guy from Italy,
Denny's, more Denny's, IHOP, and numerous other kept in business by Mongo's
insatiable appetite.
No guts were harmed in the making of this file.
Food contributions must be sent to the address below.]
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#123 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMII Mongo Jones/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :SEND MORE MONEY:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 222 4 "Sex without Strings: A Call for w
D // | \ 11 2 44 Legalized Prostitution" D
* || ____ | || | 1 222 444 by Dr. Dr. Otis *
G || || \ / | || | 1 2 4 issue #124 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 222 4 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 05/17/02 w
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One fundamental problem dominates every young man's life: how to maximize sex
with minimal effort. As a nice guy, dating only brings sexual results after
multiple outings and a large sum of cash.
Dinner+movie ($60) x 3 dates = $180. Approximate sexual encounters = 0-1.
Yeah, that's right, paying $180 for one sexual encounter. And that's if
you're lucky, or she's really drunk. Well, and then there's Rohypnol, but
that's another file. Clearly, this is not an efficient means for procuring
sex, but it's all most men know. I would like them to consider the following
alternative:
1 Hour with Prostitute = $50-150
Helpful hints include:
---Claiming to be a virgin, where you might get an extra 30 minutes for free.
Critical factor: sex is guaranteed, not merely a hopeful fantasy.
Consider your first sexual encounter with the average broad: missionary style,
in the dark, under the covers, no money shot, and no cross-dressing. Also the
likelihood of mouth-to-genital contact is minimal, and reciprocation is
expected. The prostitute offers endless possibilities of sexual diversity,
and the likelihood of mouth-to-genital contact is extremely high without need
for reciprocation. Delivery of the money shot is encouraged.
Only known drawbacks: illegality, STDs, social stigma, and social stigmata
(see my upcoming treatise on this topic). All of these can be remedied,
except for the social stigmata, by legalization and government regulation of
the world's oldest profession. The primary reason for continued
criminalization is the perceived breakdown of the nuclear family. One reason
for long-term relationships/marriage is continued access to easily obtainable
coitus. With legalized prostitution, men won't have to put up with women's
bullshit to gratify their urge for spicy asian poontang or to eat EZ-Cheese
off of someone's nipple (Cheese-Boy, I'm talking to you).
To get in on this sweet deal, write your congressman and move to Hawaii.
Isn't that where gay marriage is legal? Shit, those Hawaiians will legalize
anything.
To contribute to this cause, please visit www.EZCheeseonnipple.org or follow
the link from www.jewlatto.org.
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Issue#124 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMII Dr. Dr. Otis/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :SEND MORE MONEY:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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w _____ ____ 1 222 555 "As You Go" w
D // | \ 11 2 5 by Trish D
* || ____ | || | 1 222 555 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 2 5 issue #125 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 222 555 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 05/17/02 w
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As you go into new
places, people, and times
Remember yourself -
a boy who insisted wearing ties in school photos,
who grew into a stubborn black
with long stringy hair
in his face.
And then emerged
a little more wary
but can still play and laugh
with the best of children.
As you go
Remember your friends -
because you were selective
yet open,
choosing those as strange as yourself
with their own beats in their heads
all searching for greener worlds
to dominate.
As you go
Remember your family
who always have your back.
Even when you feel heavy
and can't imagine letting anyone else
carry the weight,
know that you are buoyant
among those who love
your presence in their lives.
As you go
Remember to look back
at those waving good-bye...
[This poem was written by Seth The Man's sister, Trish, and was given to him
as a present when he graduated from college. We here at GwD are all about the
sentimentality.]
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#125 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMII Trish/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :SEND MORE MONEY:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org ** ASMD
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w _____ ____ 1 222 666 "Holly Near v. Melissa Etheridge" w
D // | \ 11 2 6 by Yancey Slide D
* || ____ | || | 1 222 666 *
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[Uhh, this is a decision written for a Conflicts of Law class. It's
fictional, yo. I think. Fair use, my friends, fair use. Do same-sex couples
who get married have a divorce remedy in a state that doesn't allow gay
marriage? Well, do they?!? Hmm... -Ed.]
I. Procedural History
Plaintiff appellant Near and defendant appellee Etheridge were joined in
marriage in a same-sex union in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts in 2003.
Plaintiff Near brought suit there in 2007, seeking a declaratory judgment that
the marriage was valid outside the Commonwealth. The judgment was granted,
and later affirmed by the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court. The couple
moved to Washington in 2009, where they continue to reside. The parties
separated in 2019, and shortly thereafter Near brought divorce proceedings
against Etheridge, asking for alimony and equitable distribution of property
owned by both parties during the relationship.
The trial court held that the marriage is not valid under Washington law,
and that there is therefore no divorce remedy for same-sex couples in
Washington. Plaintiff Near appeals the trial court's dismissal to this Court.
II. Full Recognition under Full Faith and Credit
Plaintiff Near contends that Article IV of the United States Constitution
compels this Court to recognize their marriage, which is presumptively valid
in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. The traditional conflicts rule that
looks to the law where the marriage was created is called into question by a
federal statute, the Defense of Marriage Act, and Washington's statute
prohibiting recognition of marriages between persons other than a male and a
female. See 28 U.S.C.  1738C; see also Wash. Rev. Code  26.04.020.
The full faith and credit doctrine is necessary under a federal system to
allow sovereign jurisdictions to fully enforce their own laws. Generally, the
acts of a sister state are given their full effect so long as those acts are
valid in the original state. See _In re Marriage of Effert_, 723 P.2d 541,
544 (Wash. Ct. App. 1986). The federal Defense of Marriage Act purports to
create an explicit exemption by allowing the sort of explicit rejection of
foreign same sex marriages in Washington's code. These exceptions seem
grounded in a sentiment opposed to same sex marriages. In the absence of any
other justification for creating an exception to the full faith and credit
requirements of Article IV, the intention seems to be to exempt same sex
marriages from Article IV as repugnant to public policy. Washington law
directs courts to look to "constitutional, statutory, or regulatory
[provisions]" as a source of public policy. _Thompson v. St. Regis Paper
Co._, 685 P.2d 1081, 1089 (Wash. 1984).
If construed as public policy exemptions, then the Washington and federal
statutes must be disregarded by this Court. Courts are not permitted to
perform public policy analyses on the acts of other states. "A court
enforcing the judgment of a sister state does not engage in an inquiry as to
whether the judgment of the sister state contravenes the policy of the
enforcing state." _Washington v. Bush_, 9 P.3d 219, 225 (Wash. Ct. App.
2000). See also _Fauntleroy v. Lum_, 210 U.S. 230 (1908). Although the
Washington law seems to be an explicit statement of public policy, this Court
is prohibited from using it as such in a choice of laws context.
An alternate and equally plausible theoretical underpinning for the
federal and state statutes is a states' rights principle intended to allow
each state to enact and enforce its own regulations of marriage. Article IV
grants Congress the power "by general laws [to] prescribe the manner in which
such acts, records, and proceedings shall be proved, and the effect thereof."
U.S. Const. art. IV,  1, cl. 2. This has been interpreted as giving Congress
the power to enact such legislation as it feels necessary to correct
"confusion or procedural difficulties" proceeding from the operation of the
Full Faith and Credit Clause. _Yarborough v. Yarborough_, 290 U.S. 202, 215
(1933), cited in _Williams v. North Carolina_, 317 U.S. 287 (1942). This is
not, however, the power to completely set aside full faith and credit; some
pretext must exist that outweighs the constitutional directive.
The apparent justification under this theory is the argument that
compelling other states to grant full force to same sex marriages performed in
Massachusetts would effectively prevent those states from enacting less
permissive marriage laws. The state with the most open and unrestricted law
would serve as a gateway to the rest of the country. From the perspective of
states that would otherwise choose to regulate marriage more strictly, the
result would be a "race to the bottom," in which the most accommodating law
would essentially determine the law in every state. Under this theory,
recognizing the Massachusetts marriage would vitiate Washington's freedom to
enact its own law, and this would outweigh the otherwise controlling full
faith and credit provision. Defendant Etheridge's position is that the
federal and state statutes are constitutional because they preserve
Washington's interest in preserving its own sovereignty against a solvent
stream of foreign marriages.
The inherent flaw in this argument is that there is no showing in the
facts of this case that there is a legitimate risk of such a flood of same-sex
marriages. It may be the case that Massachusetts requires a more stringent
residency requirement than the nominal stay Nevada asked of divorce candidates
that so troubled the dissent in _Williams v. North Carolina_. _Williams v.
North Carolina_, 317 U.S. 287 (1942). If so, then it would be inappropriate
to impose a hardship on lawfully married couples out of proportion to the
minimal threat they pose to state sovereignty. In such case, marriages such
as the Near-Etheridge union should be recognized until it can be shown that
Massachusetts or another state is performing such marriages without a
stringent residency requirement, and that its interests in its marriage law
substantially conflict with our own interests in maintaining sovereignty over
our own policies. In that case, it would be unreasonable to empower such a
state to override the laws of this Washington, the majority finding in
_Fauntleroy v. Lum_ notwithstanding. We note that even if Massachusetts
requires couples to be residents for the purposes of marriage, this Court and
this state retain jurisdiction to determine whether that residency is
sufficient to the needs of the interstate system. See _Williams v. North
Carolina_, 325 U.S. 226 (1944).
Until an actual showing can be made that giving full faith and credit to
another state's marriage policy poses a clear and present danger to
Washington's own sovereignty, the federal and state statutes in question are
not sufficiently grounded to allow this Court to undermine Massachusetts law,
which has not been shown to be substantially in conflict with our own. If
there were no further analysis, then we would remand this case to the trial
court with instructions to determine the law of Massachusetts and structure
Washington?s response accordingly. The facts of this case, however, present
additional, dispositive issues that this Court must also address.
III. Judicial Recognition under Full Faith and Credit
Plaintiff Near next argues that the Full Faith and Credit Clause requires
this Court to recognize the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court's declaratory
judgment affirming the validity of the couple's marriage. Generally, Article
IV compels this Court to give full faith and credit to a valid foreign
judgment. "If the foreign court had jurisdiction of the parties and of the
subject matter, and the foreign judgment is therefore valid where it was
rendered, a court of this state must give full faith and credit to the foreign
judgment and regard the issues thereby adjudged to be precluded in a
Washington proceeding." _In re Wagner_, 748 P.2d 639 (Wash. Ct. App. 1987).
See also _Williams v. North Carolina_, 325 U.S. 226 (1944). The fact that the
parties could never obtain such a judgment in this state is irrelevant;
"enforcement of a valid sister state judgment may not be denied, even if the
claim upon which the judgment was based could not have been entertained in a
Washington court." _Lee v. Ferryman_, 945 P.2d 1159, 1163 (Wash. Ct. App.
1997) citing _Roche v. McDonald_, 275 U.S. 449 (1928). The dispositive issue
here, then, is the original validity of the judgment. Defendant Etheridge
must persuade this Court that the Massachusetts ruling is invalid, as this
Court is powerless to disregard a legitimate foreign judgment.
This case is unlike _Williams v. North Carolina II_, which turned on
North Carolina's decision that a Nevada judgment on the domicile of (putative)
Nevada residents was faulty. The Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court's
declaratory judgment presumes to decide not just the law of Massachusetts, but
also the law of all states, through its interpretation of Article IV. While
such an interpretation is not inappropriate for a court asked to render its
opinion on an interstate matter, the practical effect full recognition of that
judgment would have on Washington would be untenable. Recognition of foreign
judgments serves as collateral estoppel when parties seek to re-litigate an
issue in this state. See _Lee v. Ferryman_, 945 P.2d at 1163-64. This is
essentially the goal of plaintiff Near, who wishes this Court to honor
Massachusetts' judgment on the validity of her marriage without re-litigation.
The Massachusetts judgment is not limited to the validity of the
marriage in Massachusetts; it apparently purports to declare the marriage
presumptively valid in all states. While this is an understandable and
natural extension of Massachusetts' domestic policy, full recognition would
prevent Washington courts from addressing the validity of the Etheridge-Near
marriage, despite the compellingly close and significant contacts this state
has with the relationship and its dissolution. "In effect, the Full Faith and
Credit Clause compels an end to litigation" when foreign judgments are given
full recognition, and while the law seems clear on this point, it cannot be
the case that Washington courts are precluded from peering into the validity
of a marriage within their own state for the purposes of regulating its
dissolution. See _Lee v. Ferryman_, 945 P.2d at 1163.
The Massachusetts judgment essentially merely confirmed that
Massachusetts law applied to Massachusetts residents; once the couple became
Washington residents, they became subject to our law and our courts, and not
even the Commonwealth's esteemed judgment can divert our jurisprudence.
Massachusetts' interests are not great enough to preclude Washington from
conducting its own analysis and, if necessary, reaching a different result.
Our own interest in this case, and our contacts with the issue and the
parties, are overwhelming. This Court rejects the plaintiff's arguments on
this point; the Full Faith and Credit Clause does not require Washington
courts to recognize the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court's declaratory
judgment.
IV. Meretricious Relationship
Plaintiff Near next asserts that Washington common law provides a remedy
for these parties even if this Court held their marriage to be invalid in the
state of Washington. We concur. Even if this Court were to rule that the
parties' relationship was not a valid marriage, the equitable property
distribution and alimony remedies sought by plaintiff Near may be available
through the doctrine of meretricious relationships. Although not legal
marriages, this Court has found that "income and property acquired during a
meretricious relationship should be characterized in a similar manner as
income and property acquired during marriage." _Connell v. Francisco_, 898
P.2d 831, 836 (Wash. 1994). There have been no cases in Washington, or indeed
in any state or federal court, deciding whether a meretricious relationship
creates the right to alimony, but it seems doubtful that the property rights
of an explicitly non-marriage relationship would extend to alimony support.
Before the specific remedies available to cohabitants in a meretricious
relationship can be addressed, however, this Court must attempt to determine
whether these parties were, in fact, in such a relationship. This Court in
_Connell v. Francisco_ established a list of relevant factors to such a
determination: "continuous cohabitation, duration of the relationship, purpose
of the relationship, pooling of resources and services for joint projects, and
the intent of the parties." _Connell v. Francisco_, 898 P.2d at 835. Each of
these factors weighs in favor of a finding of a meretricious relationship
between the litigants. Their continuous cohabitation endured for
approximately twenty years, and the fact that the parties held themselves out
for fifteen years as a married couple (and sought the sanction of a high court
to do so) speaks volumes as to the purpose of the relationship and the intent
of the parties. Were this not a same-sex couple, this Court would
characterize their relationship as meretricious without further analysis.
The fact that this is a same-sex relationship cannot be disregarded. The
Washington Second Court of Appeals held in _Vasquez v. Hawthorne_ that
statutory limitations on who may marry "are relevant in determining whether a
relationship is sufficiently 'marital-like' to be meretricious," and that
same-sex couples that cannot marry under Washington law cannot be construed
as having a meretricious relationship. _Vasquez v. Hawthorne_, 994 P.2d 240,
243 (Wash. Ct. App. 2000). We vacated the appellate court's decision on other
grounds without approaching the issue of whether a same sex couple may create
a meretricious relationship.
This Court's failure to approach the issue led to Justice Sanders'
declaration in his concurrence that the majority opinion provided "somewhat
less satisfaction than can be obtained from kissing one's sister." _Vasquez
v. Hawthorne_, 33 P.3d 735, 739 (Wash. 2001). Justice Sanders will be pleased
to know that this Court finds it now necessary to revisit the feasibility of
same sex meretricious relationships. He will be less pleased to find that
this Court cannot concur with the Court of Appeals' _Vasquez_ findings or his
own defense of that ruling. The chief criticism leveled against the judicial
recognition of homosexual meretricious relationships by both the appellate
court and Justice Sanders' concurrence is that such a couple could not marry,
invalidating the "marital-like" standard espoused in _Connell_. _Connell v.
Francisco_, 898 P.2d at 834. This reasoning cannot apply here, for these
parties did marry, albeit not under Washington law.
While such the parties could not have obtained their marriage in this
state, to deny its existence at the time and place of its formation would be
presumptuous. At the time of the ceremony, Massachusetts unquestionably had
the most significant relationship with the parties, and even now, they
maintain an interest in the enforceability and lawful dissolution of the
marriage. There is no theory this Court can posit that would justify ignoring
the six years of marriage within Massachusetts or denying comity to the
Supreme Judicial Court of Massachusetts' declaratory judgment. While there
may be valid legal challenges to the validity of the parties' marriage within
the state of Washington, there is no challenge to its validity in the
Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Incontestably, the parties here before us were
married at one point. Since relationships without a formalized marriage can
fulfill the "marital-like" standard, it would be the height of absurdity for
this Court not to find that a legal marriage, even of foreign provenance, can
do the same.
Justice Sanders will no doubt be disheartened to learn that this Court
will not take a further position on the ability of same sex couples without a
foreign marriage to form a meretricious relationship. In the present case,
however, this Court finds that the parties could, under Washington law, form a
cognizable meretricious relationship. We do not find that the parties did, in
fact, have such a relationship. Such a finding is highly fact dependent, and
should be decided, if necessary, on remand. This Court remanded _Vasquez_ for
trial on similar grounds, holding that "in a situation where the relationship
between the parties is both complicated and contested, the determination of
which equitable theories apply should seldom be decided by the court on
summary judgment." _Vasquez v. Hawthorne_, 33 P.3d at 739. The procedural
history of this case is bereft of a factual analysis of the parties'
relationship; the trial court issued a summary judgment dismissing the
plaintiff's complaint in a fashion that we have expressly held to be
insufficient for finding or denying a meretricious relationship. While it
seems virtually impossible for a factual analysis to determine that such a
relationship did not exist here, given our ruling that it is possible in these
circumstances, a remand on this issue is appropriate. We do not currently so
remand this case, however, as there are dispositive issues yet to be examined.
V. Limited Recognition of Divorce Remedies
The plaintiff argues that Washington law does not preclude recognition of
the marriage for the limited purpose of dissolving it and resolving property
issues between the parties. We again concur. Wash. Rev. Code  26.04.020
stipulates, "a marriage between two persons that is recognized as valid in
another jurisdiction is valid in this state only [when the parties are persons
other than a male and a female]." The statute clearly rejects the recognition
of the validity of extant same sex marriages, but does not deny their very
existence. When the aim of a litigant is to regulate the dissolution of this
marriage, it would be unreasonable to construe this statute such that the
state cannot recognize the fact that a marriage occurred and was treated as
valid by the parties. Such a finding by this Court would severely impair
Massachusetts? power to enforce its own laws, even within its own borders, and
do little to advance Washington's interests.
The Second Restatement of the Conflict of Laws plainly sets out the
fundamental principles when state interests collide. While these principles
are intended to be used in the context of making an informed and reasonable
choice in the application of foreign laws, they are fully applicable here.
Among the central factors that the  6 of the Restatement directs courts to
assess are:
a) The needs of the interstate and international systems,
b) The relevant policies of the forum,
c) The relevant policies of other interested states and their
relative interests,
d) The protection of justified expectations,
e) Certainty, predictability and uniformity of result, and
f) Ease in the determination and application of the law to be
applied.
Each of these factors weighs in favor of recognizing the marriage for the
purposes of dissolving it. The relevant policies of this state and
Massachusetts are simple to assess; Massachusetts clearly intends to enable
same sex couples to wed, while Washington does not wish to validate such
marriages. Washington has no specific rule as to divorce remedies in such
cases, though. Even more significantly, as discussed above, the policy of
meretricious relationships already grants divorce-like remedies to unmarried
parties in Washington, and this avenue is almost certainly open to the
plaintiff. We cannot therefore construe the interests of this state as
weighing heavily against the granting of divorce remedies to these parties.
Massachusetts' interests can be protected by recognizing the marriage for the
purpose of regulating its dissolution without greatly impinging on
Washington's policies. This application of the  6 factors shows that insofar
as there is a conflict between Massachusetts and Washington law, it is a false
conflict. Granting the requested remedies would do little to vitiate the
Washington legislature's intent, while refusing to do so would create
interstate havoc.
The inevitable result of blinding ourselves to the existence of marriages
performed in Massachusetts would be interstate chaos and confusion. Parties
lawfully married in Massachusetts would be unable to dissolve their marriage
elsewhere, resulting in uneven application of property laws on death or
divorce, uncertain legitimacy of children, or even unintentional bigamy.
Justice Douglas? majority opinion in the Williams case called such chaos "part
of the price of our federal system," but we sympathize with Justice Jackson's
dissent: the price is steep and unnecessary. _Williams v. North Carolina_,
325 U.S. 226 (1944). The plaintiff here is asking for very little comity
in order to forestall a great many problems. Granting comity to the
Commonwealth sufficient to recognize the marriage in order to dissolve it
would protect the justified expectations of the parties here, who relied on
the judgment they obtained from the Supreme Judicial Court of Massachusetts.
This will also lead to more certain, predictable, and uniform results in the
arena of divorce judgments. We cannot bring ourselves to deny such comity to
our sister state when their interests do not conflict with our own in the
equitable regulation of this relationship's dissolution.
VI. Conclusion
If the parties had brought suit at any other time, seeking to determine
the validity of their marriage under Washington law, the result might have
been very different. As noted above, it is entirely possible that this Court
would have validated the marriage under the Full Faith and Credit Clause, but
only after a review of the law of Massachusetts as written and as applied.
Similarly, if the plaintiff relied solely on the doctrine of meretricious
relationships, this Court would have reached a different finding; the dispute
would have been remanded to the trial level for an equitable finding as to the
exact nature of their relationship.
As it is, the parties have brought a dispute as to the applicability of
divorce remedies to a marriage that was unquestionably valid in Massachusetts.
Whether it was a lawful marriage as opposed to a meretricious relationship
during the time that the couple resided in Washington is not at issue before
this Court. By construing the controversy before us as a question of the
proper application of divorce remedies to a foreign marriage, rather than as a
dispute over the validity of same sex marriages, this Court can respect the
laws and policies of Washington and interested foreign states as well as
achieve substantive justice for the parties. Accordingly, we find that
Washington law does not preclude recognition of the Massachusetts marriage for
the limited purpose of dissolving the marriage and providing normal divorce
remedies.
This Court vacates the ruling of the trial court and remands this case
for a just and equitable division of property consistent with our findings.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#126 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMII/MMIII Yancey Slide/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMIII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :LIFE KILLS LIFE:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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w _____ ____ 1 222 777 "Post-Lubbock Influenza" w
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Sunday, December 1 7:47 PM CDT 2002
Apparently Lubbock carries some kind of disease for those who move away. Every
visit back leaves you with an annoying head cold post-visit. Aside from that,
my thanksgiving was pretty good. Had t-day dinner at my cousins' house, and it
was mighty fine. Went to go see the new James Bond movie with my family. Then
met up with Sir-to-the-Flea for some pool and obscenely large mugs of beer at
Billiards Plus. Found out that [Flea]'s band won the KTXT band off, much
congrats to them, and that mistuh Lobo Licious has gotten engaged, more
congrats to Steev [Licious] and [Elita-1]. Friday I helped daddio put up the
christmas lights, then met up with Ocso [Bob tMotW] for lunch. We had lunch at
his friend Lisa's resteraunt because it was her last day there after 3 and a
half ears, er, years. After lunch [Bob] and I tried to track Steev down at
Hastings, but he was not there, so we just wandered around and re-ordered the
items on the shelves. Then [Flea] called and invited us to come by their band
practice, so we went to [Frank Ferra]'s house to hear them play. They sounded
really good, I was much impressed. After leaving there we went by [Bob]'s
house and played some ping-pong, where [Bob] routed me easily. I love ping-
pong, it is such a great game. After that I headed home to the parents house
and hung out with the 'rents for a bit. From there I caught up with [Flea],
[Frank Ferra] and the band for some post practice beer and food at Crickets.
The guys in the band seem really cool, I hope they do well. I'm sure I'll link
up to some of their stuff once they get some mp3s out. We stumbled over to
Steev's after dinner to hang out a bit with the king chach and his woman in
their new apartment. It was tastefully decorated in horror movie posters. They
are such a pair. We watched Tombstone for the umpteenth time, so [Bob] and
Steev could say 'Law Dog' over and over and I could make a train whistle noise
at inappropriate times. Which we did. After that I went back to the rents' and
crashed. Saturday I struck out after a home made breakfast from the madre and
headed home.
On the way home, I realized I was coming down with a cold. Ugh. So I got home
and went to work on getting something made for the Pot-Lock-Post-Thanksgiving
party that Leia and her roommates were throwing. Just about the time Larry
[Jakyl] and I were ready to go, the sinus headache portion of this lovely cold
decided to clock me. Larry and I discussed it and decided that what I needed
was some Merlot from the wine that Larry had gotten for the party. This, as it
turns out, is not actually a cure for a head cold. The wine ended up zonking
me out for the duration of the party. I spent most of the time alternately
staring at the ceiling and staring at the walls. Which is a shame, because I
had been looking forward to the party all week. Yegh. I did get to see Grand
Master Ratte again and learn some news about the ever elusive BillGibe. The
rest of our conversation seemed to have to do with buying money and making a
fictional blog about celebrity name dropping with illustrations of burning
pets. You're probably thinking that this is some kind of disease and wine
muddled thought nonsense, but since it was the ratte, I'm not so sure.
So we made it home at some point and I nursed on some NyQuil.
- www.chach-house.net/~stm/ -
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#127 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMII/MMIII Seth The Man/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMIII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :LIFE KILLS LIFE:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
magazines/GWD/gwd128.txt
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GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
G G
w _____ ____ 1 222 888 "Rice-a-Roni PIC Programmer" w
D // | \ 11 2 8 8 by breed_x D
* || ____ | || | 1 222 888 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 2 8 8 issue #128 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 222 888 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 06/10/03 w
D D
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
* abstract
* disclaimer
* parts list
* procedure
* results
* FAQ
Abstract
This process details how one can mount a Microchip PIC Programmer in a custom
case. By performing this elaborate "mod", you too can have a super special DIY
box for your el-cheapo PIC programmer. No more loose wires or bare circuit
board sliding all over while you work on your high-tek project! Show your
prowess by building one for yourself!
Disclaimer
This [article] is not directly affiliated with Rice-a-Roni or the Quaker Oats
company. All views expressed here are those of the author and do not
necessarily reflect the views of the Quaker Oats Company. Rice-a-Roni is a
registered trademark of the Quaker Oats company.
Parts List
The following items will be required for those who wish to follow along at
home:
* One P16PRO40 PIC programmer from DonTronics.
* One box of Rice-a-Roni and an appetite
* One SPDT panel mount toggle switch
* 4 PCB standoffs + 8 screws
* Soldering iron and solder
* Exacto knife
* Power drill
* Clear packing tape
* Adhesive backed rubber feet
* Apathy and a generally bad attitude sure help!
Procedures
1. Purchase the very cheap KIT96 programmer kit from Dontronics.
Assemble/solder it yourself or get a parent to help. Stare at the
completed circuit and wonder whether or not you will need those stupid
parts mentioned in the addendum. Wonder why the genius designers put the
power supply and parallel port connectors on opposite sides of the
board.
2. Use the kit for a few years. Regret the purchase. Get pissed because you
should have bought a better programmer -- one that has better support
for hardware in recent versions of MS operating systems. Take extra time
to enjoy the tedium that is connecting and disconnecting the power
supply every time you wish to burn code. Marvel at how easily the bare
board slides around your work surface!
3. Decide to mount the damn programmer in a box.
4. Go to Wacky Willy's in search of a suitable container. Get pissed
because they have nothing suitable. Assume that you can find one at...
5. Radio Shack. Not. Get more pissed because their boxes are horribly
misshapen and insanely overpriced. Scoff at the ridiculous displays of
plastic consumer electronics crap. Go home depressed.
6. Tear apart house looking for suitable container. Find nothing. Decide to
eat some Rice-a-Roni to restore your strength. Any flavor may suffice,
but the author highly recommends "Rice Pilaf". Yum. It should look
something like this:
<http://www.noisybox.net/electronics/ricepic/retailbox.gif>
Cook the rice as directed on the packaging. Eat. Wash down with 8 or 12
beers.
7. Realize later that you were supposed to keep the Rice-a-Roni box. Fish
it out of the trash.
8. Use the exacto knife to cut the box apart. Your goal here is to make the
cardboard rice box about the same size as the PIC programmer. Cut one of
the sides off so that the top is open. Apply generous amounts of clear
packing tape as required for support and that "high-gloss" look.
9. Decide that you need a power switch. Try to find an empty area on the
board where you could mount a switch. Get frustrated because there's
not very much room. Decide to drill in the corner near the DB25
connector. Come dangerously close to severing an important trace. Mount
the switch.
10. Cut one of the traces coming off the power connector in half. Solder a
wire to each side. Solder the other ends of the wires to your newly
mounted switch. Voila! Power switch. Complicated.
11. Use the exacto knife and cut out holes in the cardboard for the DB25 and
power connectors. The holes should be in the correct positions and cut
to the "right" size. Just eyeball it.
12. Mount the PCB standoffs to the underside of the PIC programmer board
PCB. What's that? THE BOARD ONLY HAS 3 HOLES DRILLED? Yup. Again, poor
design. I suppose you get what you paid for. You need 4 holes for
stability...so drill the 4th hole yourself in the far corner. Again,
it's best to come dangerously close to ruining those important, poorly
placed traces. Depending on the size of screws being used, you may need
to tap out the holes to make them bigger (I did).
13. Unscrew the metal shield from the outside of the DB25 connector and
place the board inside the box. Use the exacto knife to poke around and
find the PCB standoffs on from the underside of the cardboard container.
Once you find them, poke the exacto knife through and twist it around to
make a little hole. Use the remaining 4 screws to secure the PCB to the
bottom of the rice box. If your screws are long enough, it's probably a
very good idea here to use some washers (I know from hindsight). After
mounting, screw the metal shield back onto the DB25 connector from the
outside.
14. If you were smart, you have some rubber feet that are taller than the
screws you used in the previous step. If you're like me, however, you'll
soon discover that the screws are taller than the feet...making the feet
useless. If you find yourself in this situation, you can either a) get
shorter screws, b) get taller feet, or c) cuss loudly and decide that
you "don't need those goddamn fucking feet anyway!" (my personal
choice). If desired, push the rubber feet onto the bottom.
15. That's it! Plug it in. Try it out. Enjoy!
Results
Your finished Rice-a-Roni PIC programmer should look something like this:
<http://www.noisybox.net/electronics/ricepic/ricepic01_th.jpg>
<http://www.noisybox.net/electronics/ricepic/ricepic02_th.jpg>
<http://www.noisybox.net/electronics/ricepic/ricepic03_th.jpg>
<http://www.noisybox.net/electronics/ricepic/ricepic04_th.jpg>
Frequently Asked Questions
* Q: Are you affiliated with Rice-a-Roni or The Quaker Oats company?
A: No. There is no direct connection.
* Q: Are you an employee of Dontronics?
A: Ha! No.
* Q: Do you live in San Francisco?
A: Nope. Wrong again!
* Q: This is really stupid...why in the world would I want to do this?
A: Good question! You probably don't want to do this...
* Q: Ok, smart guy, then why did you do it?
A: Because I'm cheap and can't really justify buying a new programmer.
* Q: So I was trying to follow the steps you described here and [cut my
hand with an exacto knife | shocked myself | broke my P16PRO40], what
should I do?
A: Seek immediate medical attention and stop trying to attempt
everything you read about on the 'net.
* Q: Is this a joke?
A: Yes...well, um, no. I actually built this, but I certainly don't
honestly promote it. Maybe I'm the joke...
- www.noisybox.net -
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#128 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMII/MMIII breed_x/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMIII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :LIFE KILLS LIFE:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
magazines/GWD/gwd129.txt
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 222 999 "Chach Talk: Interview with Stein" w
D // | \ 11 2 9 9 by Elliot Deuce D
* || ____ | || | 1 222 999 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 2 9 issue #129 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 222 999 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 06/10/03 w
D D
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
[Some dr00gs have started a company called Chach Inc. Basically, the goal of
Chach Inc. is to hang around and be chaches. Yes indeedy. The following
interview with Stein originally appeared in _Chach Quarterly_ magazine. -Ed.]
11-01-2002
Deuce: Thank you for joining us, Stein. We are always excited here at _Chach
Quarterly_ to have a member of Chach Inc. take time to speak with us.
Stein: ....
Deuce: So if we can get right down to it...what is it you do at Chach Inc.
and how do you feel your work affects those around you?
Stein: Do you watch CNN on TV or read CNN on the web?
Deuce: Well...I mean...sometimes yeah. But getting back --
Stein: CNN had an article about the possibility of genetically altering
onions to "weed out" the enzyme which causes people to cry while cutting
onions.
Deuce: .... I don't think I under--
Stein: See that's your fuckin' problem!! You don't understand. Let me
explain it to you.
Deuce: ?
Stein: What if the reaction that people have from the onion keeps some sort
of balance within nature itself. As if to say we cry because we are sad that
this onion is giving its life, its sense of fullness, in order to please our
hunger. Are we so supreme that we think we can take that one god given right
away from the onion itself?
Why, then, don't we begin to take away other "rights" which the world has
bestowed upon fruits and veggies?
Broccoli - have you ever noticed the funny feeling you get in the roof of your
mouth as it lightly tickles it while you chew? I believe the broccoli does
this as a way to show you appreciation. Broccoli is not a smart plant - it
does not understand that what lies ahead is an extremely painful and
excruciating death in the depths of your acid ridden stomach. The broccoli is
simply happy to have been pulled from the ground. That place where it is
trapped, held still all its life, unable to move. It has chosen you to thank,
and does so by treating your mouth to a gentle massage. What if we took that
away?? The world could end in anarchy. You may not consciously think of that
feeling when it is happening, but your sub-conscience is WELL aware! Mad
Broccoli? MOO!
Peanuts - one cannot express the love and devotion it takes to properly
prepare a peanut to be eaten. The careful plucking from its mother plant, to
transportation to the processing plant. In this plant it is processed, gently
massaged with exotic oils, perfumed with salt, and packaged in a home filled
with other peanuts. The peanut is a community vegetable. It enjoys sharing
its life with others. This is why you see many peanuts in the aptly named
"mixed nuts" packagings. They do not discriminate. The peanut keeps the
peace. It presents a happy medium between many different cultures. Are we to
take this trait away? Are we to go to war with our neighbor? Are we to once
again separate the races simply because they LOOK different? What kind of a
world would we be reverting to? The peanut speaks for world peace!
Celery - this one is a tough one to explain. Celery, while enjoyed worldwide,
emits an odor similar to that of a wet dog when bitten into. Many pay it no
attention because of the sweet reward associated with sinking your teeth into
the wood-like substance, and having no mess left behind. This plant does have
its redeeming values, though. It goes very well with peanut butter, although
much of the work in the relationship is done by the peanut (surprise,
surprise!). Most importantly though, celery provides a strong, sturdy medium
for eating with your hands! You never use silver-ware to eat celery. You use
it AS silverware, but it is edible! This, in many ways, reminds us of our
childhood. Times before we were forced to conform to the ways of society.
Forced to use a method which is much more uncomfortable and time consuming in
most cases. Celery provides a service! As a gentle, but stable, helper.
Should we take this away too? Take away our childhood! Steal that which we
were born into?? What will people do? What will the world become? Celery
promotes youth!
Lettuce - the foundation of that which is known as a modern day salad.
Lettuce not only serves as this foundation, but it aids in other creations
such as hamburgers, pastas, and other great foods that require a base
substance to hold it all together. Lettuce shows us much about the way life
should be in many cases. It provides a crutch for others to lean on, a table
for others to stand on. Should we take this away? Should we change lettuce
forever just because sometimes it doesn't taste good? Take its joy in life
away because sometimes it is a little to hard to chew, or may get stuck in our
teeth? What kind of a world is this that will hurt so many others just to
provide comfort to the few? Lettuce stands for unity! Lettuce stands for
stability!
Down with the Mad Scientists! They are beginning to sink their teeth into our
world. Soon it will be chaos. Soon we may cease to exist! Vote yes for
vegetable rights!
Deuce: Ok. That about does it on this edition of Chach talk. Thank you for
your time and see you next time!
- www.chach-house.net/~bob/ -
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#129 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMII/MMIII Elliot Deuce/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMIII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :LIFE KILLS LIFE:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 333 000 "GwD is..." w
D // | \ 11 3 0 0 by www.googlism.com D
* || ____ | || | 1 333 0 0 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 3 0 0 issue #130 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 333 000 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 06/10/03 w
D D
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
[The following file is the result of a search for "GwD" on www.googlism.com.
The lines marked with asterisks (*) are the ones we feel are the ones that
best describe GwD. - Ed.]
* GwD is
* GwD is a general application to ease collaborative web development for all
types of organizations
GwD is platform
* GwD is a member of the general consulting group
GwD is eigenlijk een webserver op zich
GwD is misschien vader
* GwD is required to test its water on a quarterly basis
* GwD is a single source provider of a full range of wireless data products
and integrated services for software companies
* GwD is an important resting spot for numerous shorebirds including greater
and lesser yellow legs
GwD is on duri
* GwD is talented
* GwD is caused by a roundworm about one meter long that lives under the surface
of the skin
GwD is a further step in expanding the availability of our cdma 1x products
* GwD is in its final phase of completion and will probably be approved by the
european commission and parliament just before summer 2003
* GwD is now almost completely gone from asia
* GwD is currently working on several other projects shown below
* GwD is seen to be the dominant term
***** GwD is number 1
***** GwD is the coolest entity on the planet
GwD is guardedly optimistic
* GwD is several months in the future and nothing can be done to move it to
the left be sure to adequately explain why
* GwD is a web server itself
* GwD is dominant in the
* GwD is your complete internet resource
***** GwD is second to none
* GwD is still around
* GwD is to warm the too cold polar region
* GwD is to warm the "too cold" polar regions
* GwD is shareware software
GwD is responsible for management of fifteen
GwD is another dutch program
GwD is available so that this information can be included at the main gf
website
GwD is available so that this information can be
* GwD is planning to construct the los carneros reservoir to increase its
storage capacity
GwD is managing director of the joint venture
* GwD is currently the second sexiest actor at # 2
***** GwD is looking for a clan to scrim with
GwD is to improve systematic nwp model errors
GwD is proposed at specific stages of
GwD is to effectively isolate the pilot
***** GwD is a paramilitary fanatical political activist group dedicated to
making GREENY, son of the goddess Grene, emperor of the world
* GwD is a new internet based media design and management enterprise setup by
***** GwD is wonderfully evil
GwD is well known from his work on forever knight
* GwD is comprised of all professional individuals and we have a genuine
concern for all our clients
GwD is the #4 clan on gameslave
GwD is sep 2000
* GwD is an indicator of the effectiveness of the drainage canals in
controlling the water table
GwD is one of these o405nh's
* GwD is still under construction
* GwD is intended to hold the company's interest in the candle lake and
colorado diamond projects
* GwD is very much localized in the tropics
GwD is a low
GwD is only a
* GwD is installed in a grounding circuit with a ngr that limits the ground
fault current to 1 ampere
GwD is niet op haar van toepassing omdat ze al voor de invoering daarvan
gevangen zat
GwD is een landelijke wet en staat los van fci bepalingen
* GwD is only available as an *
GwD is a warped version of the wd where the warping
* GwD is also responsible for national policy on zoos
* GwD is applied __
GwD is impaired compared to gwe personnel and due to potentially modifiable
risk factors
* GwD is also missing #3
* GwD is concerned with this item because it was not included on the comb
agenda
* GwD is expected to perform comparable to existing highly tuned
implementations when exploiting a single level of parallelism
* GwD is preferable to use of the ad hoc conformance process
GwD is a specialised liquid for use in glass washing machinery dosed by
automatic equipment
***** GwD is known to be important
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#130 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMIII www.googlism.com /---------------\
distributed MMIII by GwD Publications/GwD, Inc. :LIFE KILLS LIFE:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 333 1 "Lubbock Trip" w
D // | \ 11 3 11 by Seth The Man D
* || ____ | || | 1 333 1 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 3 1 issue #131 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 333 111 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 06/10/03 w
D D
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Tuesday, October 8 11:22 AM CDT 2002
Ok, I promised some kind of report about my trip to Lubbock, so I'll try and
do so here, before I get completely sidetracked by the new update to the
XMLJourn script, which should come out soon with a bugfix and some new, useful
features. ..
I got into Lubbock around 3:00pm Monday, and nobody was around, so I went and
played some discgolf at the Mackenzie State Park disc golf course . This was a
weird experience, since I was out by myself in my hometown, having just
arrived from the big city, and felt strangely less safe than in Dallas.
Apparently, Lubbock's crime rate is actually higher than that of Dallas.
Creepy. I got over it soon enough and enjoyed a round of disc golf after my
five hour drive.
Tuesday I went out again with Trev [Sir Flea] and got some really good
pictures of us playing and of the course. I also had lunch with [Bob tMotW],
who has a message, apparently, for all you DFW people. I had dinner with my
family and enjoyed a nice home cooked meal. I went and found Trevor at
Crickets where the KTXT peeps were finishing up their staff meeting, and got
roped into helping them hand out fliers after the creed concert. Blech, what
college students will do for beer money! :)
Wednesday I had lunch with Steev [Licious] and John [Hallucination] at One
Guy from Italy, where the guy there still remembers me from High school.
Actually, I didn't eat then because I was still pretty full from a big
breakfast my ma had made for me. After lunch at One Guy's, I met up with [Bob]
at an anti-war rally on the Texas Tech campus, hung out a bit, listened to
some speakers and watched the puppet-show. Then we went and got some lunch at
Georgio's, where they again remembered me from Highschool. Then I spent the
rest of the afternoon getting all of my stuff out of my parent's extra garage
and over to the storage place to allow my father to hang up his dead animals
in the garage without them bleeding all over my couch. I got to see my 19"
rack again. That was nice. Wednesday night I met up with Trev at Bash
Riprock's to see Watermelon Fast Bass perform their duties as host band for
the Travling Zoo open mic night. Trev bought me beer, because I was broke, and
he is a swell fellow.
Thursday I went shopping with my sister. That was a lot of fun because she is
very good at it, while I was having trouble remembering prices from several
stores back, she could recall the prices and the variations in colors and
sizes from store to store, it was uncanny. We had lunch at Saigon Cafe. If you
are in Lubbock, you probably owe it to yourself to stop in and at the least
have an eggroll. I love that place. After lunch I met up with mi madre and got
my toe fixed (finally), so in a few more days I shall be a normal person again
and not have this ridiculous pain in my toe all the time. Thursday night I
had dinner with [Hallucination] and Kelly at their house, and we watched "Big
Lebowski" for the umpteenth time because it is such a great movie. Later I met
up with Oscar, Joel, Trevor and his brother Scott at Billiards Plus and played
some pool.
Friday I got up early to go get my 'wellness' screening done at Lubbock High.
Got some bloodwork done and my flu shot. Then had breakfest with my parents at
the Pancake House, and managed to get on the road at a decent hour.
It was a fun trip, I have so many great friend's and family in Lubbock, but I
still couldn't wait to get back to Dallas. Something about Lubbock just brings
me down, I don't know what it is.
- www.chach-house.net/~stm/ -
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#141 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMII/MMIII Seth The Man/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMIII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :LASERBEAM BOZOS:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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w _____ ____ 1 333 222 "Star Wars Part 77" w
D // | \ 11 3 2 by Havoc D
* || ____ | || | 1 333 222 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 3 2 issue #132 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 333 222 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 06/10/03 w
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
[Yet again, fair use and whatnot as far as celebrity names and such are
concerned. Parody, satire, yes indeed.]
-+- "What You Wanted To See" -+-
Submitted for your approval...
This story started because of a familiar burning sensation...not the penis
this time, just anger.
You watched 'Phantom Menace' and were left with an empty feeling, like you had
been ripped off. Later you watched the show 'Survivor' and somehow that same
feeling crept into your soul once more.
So...to fix this, we have a new script, yo! Check it one time.
Setting : the Rockies
Actors / Contestants:
Tribe Name : Chalupa
Samuel L. Jackson (he had to have top billing 'damn right')
Jesus Christ
Penn and Teller
Jenna Jameson
Kurt Warner
Mohatma Ghandi
General George S. Patton
Bill Clinton
Everett (Havoc's old boss)
Tribe Name : Doesn't Matter
3 whiney bitches
1 fairly buff guy...obviously gay
1 disgruntled 'dot com' owner
1 cowboy from North Dakota
1 punk rocker
1 newly divorced couple
Day 4 of Survivor
The day begins as Howard Cosell brings the tribes together to explain the
challenge of the day.
Cosell : Good morning everyone, how did you sleep?
John (the newly ex-husband) : Hell, I couldn't sleep with her for five years,
why should I start now?
Susan : Well, that's pretty obvious with the 6 extra children isn't it?
The couple rages into a fury of insults and cat-calls.
Samuel L. Jackson : "Yo! Chill that bitch out!"
Susan : "Who are you callin a bitch?"
Lightsaber flashes its menacing red glow...
Samuel L Jackson : "Bitch, I'm talking to your ass...now ask me again and see
if I don't kill every motherfucker standin up in here."
Bill Clinton : "Word, G."
Samuel L Jackson : "Don't speak to me motherfucker! I swear to god I'll smoke
your ass!"
Jesus Christ : "You really shouldn't swear."
Everett : "That's right!! To quote from the book of James chapter 5..."
Lightsaber slashes through the air and removes Everett's head.
Samuel L Jackson : "Still think I'm jokin motherfucker? Oh!!! You aint laughin
now are you bitch? Any you other motherfuckers wanna speak to me?"
Suddenly, General George S. Patton leaps through the air trying to grab the
lightsaber away from the Jedi....
Jackson has more than enough time to dodge the would-be hero, and smacks him
across the face.
Jackson looks down at the General and turns off his light saber.
Samuel L Jackson : "All you motherfuckers are crazy!"
He drops the weapon in front of the General.
Samuel L Jackson : "Now, does that me less dangerous, or more dangerous?"
General Patton grabs the weapon and brings it up to defend himself...however
he can't figure out how to turn it on. The Jedi master raises his hand, and
General Patton feels the pressure around his neck increase tremendously...
until finally the General falls to the ground.
Samuel L Jackson: "You motherfuckers don't understand the situation you are
in...Well, let me break it down for your ass. This game is called 'survivor',
and I'm gonna win it and take my ass to the bank. If that means killin all you
bitches, then I'm gonna kill every last one of you motherfuckers...or you can
shut up and stay the fuck out of my way."
Jenna Jameson : "But Jesus can be brought back from the dead."
Jesus Christ : "Bitch, when was the last time you were in church? Now shut the
fuck up up, or I'll let the coon kill your ass!"
Samuel L Jackson : "Coon?? Oh that's right motherfucker...it's on now!"
The lightsaber zips into the waiting hand of the Jedi and comes to life
instantly.
Samuel L Jackson : "We're about to have us one cut savior!"
Jesus picks up a branch from the ground and poses to defend himself.
Kurt Warner : "Fifty bucks on the Jedi."
Jesus Christ : "Oh you ungrateful fuck...see if you get to the superbowl
again!!!"
Mohatma Ghandi : "Everyone please...we must find peace."
Samuel L Jackson : "Fuck you, skinny mother fucker!!"
Bill Clinton moves to the side and puts his arm around Jenna Jameson.
Bill Clinton : "Hehe that's one pissed off Jedi...you ever see a white guy
whip a black guy?"
Jesus Christ : "Ok, fuck the lot of you!!!"
Jesus raises his staff and Bill Clinton falls dead.
Kurt Warner : "Yeah!! Way to go Big J !!"
Jesus Christ : "Oh no...you're fucked Warner!!! Little bitch can't throw a
Goddamn pass to save his...."
At this moment the lightsaber comes sweeping through the middle of Christ's
body, cutting him in half.
Kurt Warner : "YEAH!! You go boy!!!"
Suddenly the lightsaber whips through the air as it is hurled to meet Kurt's
chest burning a hole in the middle of his embroidered number 13.
Samuel L Jackson : "Who's next?? Come on bitches!! Come fuck with me!"
Penn : "Yo...word to your mom, brother."
As Penn is talking to the pissed off black man, Teller walks slowly over to
Kurt Warner's corpse and looks as if he is in mourning over the body. Slowly
he palms the lightsaber and hides it in his coat pocket. Penn pulls his nickel
plated .45 used in his act.
Samuel L Jackson : "Yo bitch, we all know that shit is fake..."
Penn slowly squeezes the trigger and the gun responds with a huge explosion of
force.
The Jedi is thrown backwards to the ground...his arm bleeding.
Samuel L Jackson : "Son of a Bitch!!! That shit hurts motherfucker!!! Oh I'm
gonna get yo ass now...you know the rule...you shot me!"
Jackson stands and waves his hand summoning his lightsaber. Teller comes
flying towards the Jedi, being pulled by his jacket pocket.
Samuel L Jackson : "Oh you thievin mother fucker!!!"
The Jedi turns the lightsaber on from inside the jacket pocket, and slowly the
lifeless body of Teller falls to the ground.
Samuel L Jackson : "Don't eva steal my shit!!!"
Penn : "NOOOO!!!!"
The grief stricken Penn fires his weapon repeatedly at the Jedi, round after
round....The Jedi easily deflecting the bullets with his saber.
The familiar 'click' finally sounded, and Penn knew he had an empty gun in his
hands.
Penn : "Oh well that's just great!"
He hurls his gun at the Jedi.
The gun pauses in mid air and turns on its owner.
Samuel L Jackson : "You just the fool, you done killed these other
motherfuckers for me."
Penn looks slowly around and sees lifeless bodies lying all around him.
Penn : "Oh well that's just perfect! Fuck it...fuck it all!!! Now I can't do
my show in Vegas next week."
Samuel L Jackson : "Vegas? Shit negro, that's all you had to say...Lets go
roll up on some fine honies and get the Jedi groove on..."
Penn : "Aw shit yeah..."
Howard Cosell : "What the fuck just happened here?"
Penn : "Black man won."
Samuel L Jackson : "Word."
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#132 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMI/MMIII Havoc/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMIII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :LASERBEAM BOZOS:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 333 333 "The Dregs of My Poetry" w
D // | \ 11 3 3 by Yancey Slide D
* || ____ | || | 1 333 333 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 3 3 issue #133 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 333 333 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 06/10/03 w
D D
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Sweet
My black-sugar baby in a pretty plastic dress
Hums a bubbly bit for me, a thrill when
I can't find none, in class, at work
Just anytime, my baby is there,
Sweet as ever, to keep me on top.
But when the top stays off, baby gets
Cloying sweet, sticky, nasty, mean, all the
Fun's let out. Baby ain't bubbly, pour her out.
Always another baby; ain't but
Two bits apiece.
(2/11/03)
We grew up in Texas but
when it was time to marry
Kailas came north, to
where she was from
New Hampshire
where it's pretty.
(In Trivandrum,
the city blushes with
saris and songs,
and smiles to see the
easy English name retire
behind the coconut trees
of Thiruvananthapuram)
Two families, two weddings,
Like a brother I'm invited, to India
but I can't go, there's no way
to pay, there's no Atlantic train,
smoky, stuffy, and stuffed-
full of smoking men,
sprouting from windows, like
bald Ben Kingsley
as Gandhi, coming home.
(Kerala blooms, and families,
like flowers, drift down rivers
that are clean like holy things are
to meet the foreign girl, and send
her down the river, to drift,
like flowers until she's clean
like holy things and families are.)
New Hampshire,
A nice day, a nice service
I officiate, as compromise,
not collared priest or
inscrutable ascetic; acceptable
to the families, I walk them through
a nice service, with
flowers and a song.
(Ganesha leers at Vishnu's spear
on brassy gongs that ring
in wedding songs, as her hands
are henna-bound, in nut-brown
whorls that stoop and twist
around her wedding band and
the flowers given to the fire)
In New Hampshire, Christ
is satisfied, his service done;
Ganesha waits his turn
while I sit on the steps
and think of him
and Thiruvananthapuram.
(2/17/03)
Sidling, I slipped in late,
twisted through the angry knees
that stiffened as I snuck a peek
from a far-back seat, too far to see
if you were smiling, and too far for you
to see me if you looked;
I smiled, but didn't stop, I just
kept creeping, closer to the stage,
past any empty seats,
as long as I kept moving, clambering
seeping through the angry knees, I wouldn't
sit and see you not seeing me.
I picked around the ragged line
of laps and furled programs, rolled
like sweaty cigarettes to smolder
in impatient thighs that snapped as
I folded mine, pristine, to prove
that I was there.
I slunk around the jutting, pointing feet
of honest folk, who pointed toes at me but
sucked it in and twisted while I scrabbled,
penitent but unpausing until I was close
and you could have seen me
if you looked.
I hunkered, stretched, and touched the stage,
to moor against the crests of knees and shoals
of hooking ankles, and watched, to see
if you were smiling; when I knew
I cast off, reversed my course,
and climbed back out again.
(02/25/03)
Green dream
A tree buries its head, and roots
its proboscis and ten thousand tongues
into the earth, where it eats, constantly,
and mulls the green dream of swarming,
beetle-bright leaves that frothed on brittle
stick legs and crawled against the wind.
Manic, it will not bear red thoughts of fruit
when the million facets of its one bright eye
have stared into the sun and burned brown
and dropped, like flies, to creep into the dirt
that it chews.
(03/03/03)
Ghazaline
I will spare one eye for you to keep in the light
a gecko that waits and sleeps in the light.
To brew a sweet tea, we'll eat herbs
and pool our sweat to steep in the light.
Purple is a night shade, that ferments
in bars and looks cheap in the light.
A spasm sends your skirts out, to skirl
and stretch out to sweep in the light.
A lozenge pins my teeth to either side,
and spat, dives deep, deep in the light.
The grit in my vein is a platelet, plaintive
it wails for a wound, to weep in the light.
Put your lips to my ear and Call into the night,
"You sot! Open up! Let seep in the light!"
(03/11/03)
1.
My books fold space around themselves
like black-letter black holes; they are
too heavy to bear thinking about.
The train can only bear so much mass,
before it would curl in on itself,
and throw me back to work.
My brother's couch is padded
with stinking cat hair, but warm
and so much like home.
2.
My books smother space and time
and immure me in law, like
black-letter black holes.
My ticket prods the train to climb
and shudder on its tracks, straining
to lull me while it pulls me from the well.
My brother's cats obliterate me
but even their stinking hair
doesn't make it less like home.
3.
My books smother space and time
and immure me in law, like
black-letter black holes.
My ticket prods the train to climb
and shudder on its tracks, straining
to pull me from the well.
My brother's couch is padded
with stinking cat hair, but warm
and so much like home.
(3/18/03)
Fourteenth Edition
Every thing in this room orbits
the black-letter black hole
that buffets me from where it sits
and warps my desk into a bowl.
I teeter on the lip, and feel the prod
of guilty conscience make me roll
faster than I'm inclined to plod
to work when there's a TV set to lull
me with a cheery bright facade.
I'll ward myself against the pull
of all the cases I should be reading
by thinking just how dull
the law can really be, but heeding
inexorable dutiful gravity;
there's no chance of my succeeding
against the terrible depravity
of this textbook's awesome cavity.
(3/18/03)
Law is a gullet
that does not swallow
ever.
(3/19/03)
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#133 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMIII Yancey Slide/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMIII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :LASERBEAM BOZOS:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 333 4 "Remembering Porkins" w
D // | \ 11 3 44 by Ciacco the Hog D
* || ____ | || | 1 333 444 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 3 4 issue #134 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 334 4 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 06/10/03 w
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
[Fair use. Fair use indeed.]
In 1977, movie audiences were charmed by the lovable Jek Porkins, the
fattest, and consequently shortest lived X-Wing pilot in the Deathstar Battle
in _Star Wars: A New Hope_. For 25 years now, one question has dominated any
Star Wars discussion: Where is Jek Porkins now? I was able to track down
William Hootkins, the man behind the fat, at his LA home. He was gracious
enough to grant me an interview, his first in 25 years. What follows is
probably the most rewarding interview of my career, so sit back with some EZ
Cheese and prepare to relive the magic. (Eating noises and girlish giggles
from when I poked his fat have been edited out of this transcript.)
Ciacco: Mr. Hootkins, thank you for taking time out of your busy day to talk
to me.
Porkins: No problem. Can I offer you something to eat?
Ciacco: No thanks; I ate before the interview
Porkins: Me too. I think I am going to order a pizza.
Ciacco: Mr. Hootkins, can you tell me how you landed the role as Porkins?
Porkins: Well that's a funny story. I wasn't actually at the 20th Century Fox
studios to audition, I just heard that they had hors d'oeuvres.
While I was stuffing my face, a woman came up to me and said, "you
must be here to audition for the fat X-Wing pilot." Then she grabbed
me by the arm as I tried to stuff more tasty treats into my pocket
and led me into a room with George Lucas and a few others. I sat down
in a chair and talked to Lucas about various snack foods for a while.
He was very thin at the time, but now you can see what a 25-year
friendship with me can do. Anyway, he sounded fairly interested in
putting me in the movie, but it wasn't until I was leaving that he
was completely convinced.
Ciacco: What happened?
Porkins: Well, I tried to get out of my chair but I was stuck between the
armrests so I uttered something like "I've got a problem here."
Lucas smiled and the rest is history.
Ciacco: Wow! That's a great story. As a morbidly obese man, did you object
to your character being named Porkins?
Porkins: No, I thought it was great. In fact after the movie, I sent off for a
form to legally change my name to Porkins, but when the form arrived
I was so hungry that I ate it. Anyway, I think it was great being a
role model to fat children everywhere. Star Wars has a great
message: you don't have to be thin or in shape to be in the
military.
Ciacco: A role model? But you were the first to die in the attack, and now
that I think about it, I'm not even really sure how you died. I
mean, it didn't show you getting shot or anything.
Porkins: Nevertheless, it was a great triumph for fat people, and it really
opened up my movie career.
Ciacco: Oh really? What movies have you been in since then?
Porkins: Well none so far, but George is going to start filming Episode 3 in a
few months and I am sure Porkins will be in it.
Ciacco: Uhh. Yeah, I'm sure he will. But even if he is, he would be a boy in
the prequel. You know they take place years before the original
trilogy, right?
Porkins: Hey, I found half a sandwich between the cushions of the couch. It's
a little moldy, but still looks tasty.
Ciacco: Ok...well, I think I am going to go now, thanks for your time and
good luck to you. In your honor I will rename my gut from Nigel to
Porkins.
Porkins: Hey I think the pizza man is at the door, can you let him in as you
leave? I think I am stuck between the armrests of the couch.
Ciacco: sure..
[Yes, we know that Mr. Hootkins has indeed been in other films. Likewise, no
offense was meant to fat people. Ciacco is a big fan and is currently
endeavoring to become one of them. And yes, this is likely one of the most
offensive files GwD has ever released.]
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#134 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMII/MMIII Ciacco the Hog/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMIII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :LASERBEAM BOZOS:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 333 555 "Bribs Plays Billiards" w
D // | \ 11 3 5 by The BMC D
* || ____ | || | 1 333 555 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 3 5 issue #135 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 333 555 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 06/10/03 w
D D
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So I'm at this pool hall, right? Right, no doubt about that, and I'm
playing pool. And this old friend of mine comes up and says what's up.
And I'm like you fuckin baby, let's play some game a pool right now. And
he's like yeah.
So we're playing for money and you know I'm cleaning up. I'm slamming
balls in pockets like a teenage jagoff. And I'm like man do you want to
play again? Remember when I armwrassled that big fucking ape and got him
pinned? I couldn't use my arm the whole rest of the day.
Another couple games and I'm 15 bucks up, nice. Don't worry man, I'm
buying drinks. So I'm off to the pisser and while I'm standing there
buddy comes up and pulls this huge boner out of his pants. His bag is
practically dangling into the pisser. And I'm like fuuuuck, dude! And
then buddy tells me he fucked my girlfriend. With that conk, totally
sick!
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#135 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMIII The BMC/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMIII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :LASERBEAM BOZOS:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 333 666 "Duck, Duck, Goose = End of All Things" w
D // | \ 11 3 6 by Aardv@rk D
* || ____ | || | 1 333 666 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 3 6 6 issue #136 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 333 666 with a Twist -- of Lime" ***** 12/31/03 w
D D
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Duck, Duck, Goose.
You all remember that game, don't you? Everyone sits in a circle, then
someone gets called "Goose."
After that, well, all hell breaks loose...
First, the "Goose" and the other kid run around, trying to tag each other.
But that's just the beginning.
What comes next? Well, first there's the earthquakes. Then the Volcanoes.
The seas boil. The Moon crashes into the Earth. People run around, skin on
fire. Mass hysteria.
All because of a game. A damn kids' game.
Maybe I'm thinking of something else.
Wasn't "Goose" the name of Anthony Edwards's character in _Top Gun_?
Aww, fuck it.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#136 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMIII Aardv@rk/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMIII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :WOOGIE + WOOGIE:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 333 777 "Thoughts on Nothing" w
D // | \ 11 3 7 by Dr. Dr. Otis D
* || ____ | || | 1 333 7 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 3 7 issue #137 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 333 7 with a Twist -- of Lime" ***** 12/31/03 w
D D
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
So I was just sitting here, and I realized that I haven't written anything
for this e-rag lately. And it came to me: I have absolutely nothing to say.
Seriously, nothing at all. Why am I writing this, then? To prove that
Licious and the other GwD-types will literally publish anything. Anything at
all. Even this little rant about how I have nothing to say. Sure, lots of
things have happened this year. The U.S. fought (and continues to fight) a
war in Iraq, the reasons for which are debatable at best. The Democratic
candidates for President have fought each other, insulting each other at every
turn. Michael Jackson is in trouble for supposedly molesting a kid. Again.
But I have nothing to talk about. I know that you don't care about my
opinions on any of this stuff; I doubt if you care about my opinions on
anything at all. Oh well, I'm still writing this, and it feels good. A
little TOO good, if you know what I mean. Wait, I don't even know what I
mean. I should probably shut up now, but I don't think I will yet. I've
written some opinionated stuff, haven't I? Also, some stuff that required
research. Today, though, I'm writing about nothing, and you're reading it
(assuming you've read this far). Why are you reading it? Because you have
nothing better to do? Or because you're as bored as I am, writing it? I have
no idea what else to say, yet I keep typing. Typing, typing, typing. One
day, I may say something important. Wouldn't want to miss that, would you?
Yes, I have to PhDs, and I'm working on an MD. Am I smart? Smarter than you,
certainly, but not really smart. I'm just kidding, maybe I'm not smarter than
you. You, I think, would at least think of something to write about. Me, I'm
just sitting here, doing nothing, typing about nothing. Wondering if anyone
ever reads any of the shit I write, either here or in the scholarly journals
in which I publish. I don't know what's going on in the world, not really. I
know a few things I see in the campus newspaper, and I watch a little bit of
the nightly news now and again, but I'm mostly clueless. Yet I have this
forum to write about whatever I want. I also post on the GwD-blog-thing. Two
forums for me to exercise my writing, and I don't know what to say. What
should I write about?
The next thing I write won't suck this much. Or it will suck more. I promise
you that. One or the other, but not both. Because that would make no sense.
Like this weird-ass rant.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#137 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMIII Dr. Dr. Otis/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMIII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :WOOGIE + WOOGIE:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 333 999 "blargle" w
D // | \ 11 3 9 9 by Patriotic Polly D
* || ____ | || | 1 333 999 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 3 9 issue #139 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 333 999 with a Twist -- of Lime" ***** 12/31/03 w
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
"blargle," it said politely.
i screamed as its fangs tore at my flesh.
"blargle," it said again, between mouthfuls of me-meat.
"what is this thing?" i thought as it took another bite.
"blargle," it said.
"blargle," i said.
and it left me alone.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#139 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMIII Patriotic Polly/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMIII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :WOOGIE + WOOGIE:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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Drunk in Mexico, Part 1
by Zippy
My folks have a place at Amistad Acres outside of Del Rio, Texas, near
Lake Amistad Reservoir, which in turn lies half in Texas, and half in Mexico.
For years now, this has been a place of refuge and fun for members of my
family, friends, and myself. Fishing, eating, watching Satellite TV, reading,
and drinking copious amounts of alcohol usually dominate the time spent down
there for those lucky enough to have made the trip.
There is, however, another activity that we males occasionally engage in
that is not nearly as safe as the aforementioned activities. This 'other'
activity involves a short journey across the Border, and into the infamous
Mexican town of Acunia. Excitement awaits those willing to take this journey,
as well as a myriad of temptations that, while seeming like tremendous fun at
the time, will usually leave the unsuspecting with a pounding head, and
reddened eyes the next morning. Hell, even if you DO know what to expect,
chances are you will spend the next morning wishing you were never born, or at
least had enough courage to know when to stop with the consumption of all the
liquors you put in your body the previous evening. Great fun, indeed.
Oh, the pleasures for the senses are great! You may decide to take a meal
at one of the fancy restaurants, or you may just decide to go bar-hopping. And,
for just one dollar, you can have your choice of many of the fine Mexican Beers
available down there- Corona, Tecate, XX, Bohemia, and Superior. Of course, the
tequila flows as freely as the Mississippi as well, and Mexican Bar-tenders
tend not to skimp on the dosage of this deadly libation. Why, just one
Margarita would be enough to make an ordinary person walk crooked.
But the Devil in the Bottle for me is a mind-numbing concoction called
El Presidente Brandy. It's cheap, it's sweet, and makes the tongue long for
more. It also is The Great Evil Giver of Hang-Overs and the Maker of You Doing
Stupid Things. It makes toothless hags appear as Helen of Troy; it makes you
Rich and Powerful; it even makes you speak Spanish FLUENTLY. Never mind the
fact that you won't remember ANY of that the next day!
Of course, none of this matters while you are involved in all this
revelry. From the first-person perspective, it's all just huge amounts of fun.
It never even occurs to you that you are writing the epitaph for multitudes of
brain-calls that will magically disappear as your liver attempts to deal with
the oncoming flood of Cheap Booze.
And, the Mexican Locals are so HELPFUL. They usher you into the various
bars and Hole-in-the-Walls with shouts of "Bienvenidos!" which literally means,
"Welcome!" in Espanol. The Bar-tenders and waiters are ALWAYS more than willing
to come to your aid should you find yourself nearing the bottom of a drink.
Locals are always more than happy to come up to you and indulge you in their
broken English greetings, with offers of free drinks and cigarettes. The fun
continues on and on and on and on and on, because the bars don't shut down
until around four in the morning, or everyone has passed out or gone home.
Once you have had enough of all this revelry and fun, it's time to stagger
out to a waiting cab, and ride back across the bridge so that you can drive
yourself home, with barely the faintest thought of the Hell you will feel in
the morning. And, feel like hell, you most certainly will, but if you are lucky
enough to not get the bed-spins, you will glide off to sleep with the same lips
that you used to suck down all the poison curled into a pleasant, albeit
DRUNKEN, smile.
-+=END=+-
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 4 000 "A Story about You, the Reader" w
D // | \ 11 44 0 0 by Aardv@rk D
* || ____ | || | 1 444 0 0 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 4 0 0 issue #140 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 4 000 with a Twist -- of Lime" ***** 12/31/03 w
D D
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Once upon a time, there was this guy (or gal, though masculine pronouns will
be used throughout this text) who sat on his ass all day, playing on his
computer. He didn't think of it as playing, but that's what it was. He read,
mostly. He read news and he read "blogs."
He also read things called "textfiles" that he found on the web. Y'see,
there're a lot of groups that publish these things; some call them "e-zines."
Most of them have silly titles that may or may not be abbreviated by sillier
acronyms (e.g. "The Neo-Comintern," "doomed to obscurity (aka dto),"
"Angstmonster," and "GREENY world Domination (aka GwD)").
He read these textfiles. He followed the musings of
teens/20-/30-/40-/etc.-somethings about various topics. Lots of rants, lots
of whining, lots of crap. He learned to be an 31337 hax0r; he learned to
make bombs and to be anti-social. He read song lyrics; he read crappy poetry.
He read stories by idiots with stupid names like "Aardv@rk." He didn't do
much of anything else.
Man, that guy was a tool.
Seriously.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#140 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMIII Aardv@rk/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMIII GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :WOOGIE + WOOGIE:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
ASMD -> http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org <- ASMD
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 4 1 "Hawaiian Punch" w
D // | \ 11 44 11 by Frank Ferra, P.I. D
* || ____ | || | 1 444 1 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 4 1 issue #141 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 4 111 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 05/05/05 w
D D
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
"Guess how many empty Hawaiian Punch bottles will fit in my car?"
"How many?"
"300."
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#141 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMV Frank Ferra, P.I./GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMV GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :EAT YOUR FINGER:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 4 222 "Patriachalism, Progeny and Pain: w
D // | \ 11 44 2 Adrienne Rich and the Prison D
* || ____ | || | 1 444 222 of Marriage" by fastjack *
G || || \ / | || | 1 4 2 issue #142 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 4 222 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 05/05/05 w
D D
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
"Snapshot of a Daughter-in-Law" is Adrienne Rich's poem of the burden of
domesticity and the feelings of helplessness she suffered through during her
marriage. Rich examines her marriage through her poetry to give herself the
voice she lacked as a mother of three and homemaker in the 1950's. Rich
herself recounts the experience in _Arts of the Possible_ by saying "I had a
sense that women didn't talk to each other much in the fifties-not about their
secret emptiness, their frustrations" (Rich 19-20). Her writing throughout
1958-60 in "Snapshots" was "...a longer looser mode than I'd ever trusted
myself with before" (Rich 23). Outside of the realm of traditional formality
in her verse, such as that used in "Aunt Jennifer's Tigers" she was able to
express frustration in a more compelling, more truthful way. The poem moves
through several parts, 10 "stanzas" in all and explores a variety of themes.
Stanza 1 is about loss of beauty and tradition. Rich's voice in this seems to
be addressing herself and her mother simultaneously. She speaks of "You,
once a belle in Shreveport with henna-colored hair, skin like a peachbud,
still have your dresses copied from that time" (Rich 1-3). Her mother, a
southern belle, is unable to leave behind the traditions of old. Her dresses
remain fixed, flowing antebellum styles that emphasized femininity through use
of binding corsetry, awkward shoes and acres of lace. Her mother's skin was
like that of a peach flower and surely like that of a peach, easily bruised,
needing to be carried softly in padded containers, wary of bruising from the
sharp edges of the world.
In the second and third parts of stanza 1, Rich's voice seems to speak
more of her present situation. She moves from the past of her mother's life
and into hers, still keeping her mother involved. Her mother's mind "molders
like wedding-cake, heavy with useless experience, rich with suspicion, rumor,
fantasy" (Rich 7-9), bringing to mind parlors of southern women gossiping
about who did what at the latest cotillion or box social. Those days are
gone, yet surely her mother remembers all the whispered half-truths, giggled
innuendos that marked southern social life. More than her mother however,
Rich is "crumbling to pieces under the knife-edge of mere fact. In the prime
of your life" (Rich 10-11). Both Rich and her mother should be in the prime
of their life, her mother causally remembering the gold of her past, while
Rich should be enjoying her role as a mother and homemaker. Both of them
instead are cut by that "knife edge" that is the reality of "mere fact".
Instead of being able to enjoy what she has accomplished according to societal
norms, the poet has become nervous and angry in her repetition of daily
chores, doing the dishes and going her own way in the last two lines of
stanza 1.
Stanza 2 takes on a decidedly darker note. It is filled with imagery of
depression, self-mutilation, schizophrenia and disassociation. The poetry
begins with the daughter-in-law "Banging the coffee-pot in the sink" (Rich 14)
like a child slamming doors to express rage at its parents that cannot be
articulated. Immediately "she hears the angels chiding" (Rich 15) her to do
things that are decidedly un-angelic. Rich's angels command her to be
selfish, to give in to lust and gluttony and to forgo her care for others as
she is the only one worth saving. They tell her to cast off the shackles of
marriage and run to be truly free.
Hearing angels could be seen as an entry into a dissociative state, which is
characteristic of deteriorating mental health. These dissociative states are
"an altered state of consciousness akin to physical and emotional anesthesia"
(Strong 2) and are often characteristic when the sufferer feels powerless or
out of control of their life. Rich writes "Sometimes she's let the tapstream
scald her arm, / a match burn to her thumbnail, / or held her hand above the
kettle's snout / right in the wooly steam." (Rich 20-3). The infliction of
physical pain is common as a method to control mental anguish. Researcher
Armando Favassa argues "Cutting...gives people a way to manage inner
states, converting chaos to calm, powerlessness to control" (Strong 43).
Self-mutilation, like poetry, is a secret language; difficult to understand or
comprehend from the outside without training in finding meaning. Stanza 2
ends with Rich noting that the only part of her that retains the capability of
feeling pain is her eyes. The eyes are the windows to the soul, the witnesses
to her station in life, the way she is able to observe her loss of feeling and
self and yet the pain they feel is that of irritation caused by grit, not the
deeper pain she knows in inside of her.
Stanza 3 changes gears into a meditation about nightmares, reproductive
freedom, female empowerment and internecine conflict between women. Rich
states, "A thinking woman sleeps with monsters" (Rich 36). The thinking she
does during the day when performing domestic duties has begun to bleed over
into her dreams. Her subconscious is now at the fore and the monsters she
sublimates during the day are able to move freely throughout her sleeping
hours. "The beak that grips her, she becomes" (Rich 37) brings to mind the
mouths of baby birds feeding from the beak of their mother. Those beaks, her
children, become the ties that bind and hold her in the nest unable to fly
free as a bird can.
Reproductive rights and the ability of a woman to control her destiny as she
would her womb surface in line 31. The reader sees "the female pills, the
terrible breasts" (Rich 31) and knows that it talks about motherhood. This
line has some interesting parallels with Eliot's _The Wasteland_, wherein two
women speak: "It's them pills I took, to bring it off, she said. / (She's had
five already, and nearly died of young George.) / The chemist said it would be
all right, but I've never been the / same" (Eliot 159-62). Is Rich speaking
of abortion and breast milk that would never be drunk by a child? More likely
she is speaking of Norethindrone, the first female contraceptive invented two
years before "Snapshots" was started, and which gave women an unprecedented
amount of sexual freedom. When Austrian-American Carl Jerassi created
"The Pill," he gave women control over the thing that had been the
responsibility of men: pregnancy.
Rich takes female empowerment themes farther with her invocation of Boadicea
in line 32. Boadicea, the legendary female warrior who led her people in
revolt against Gaius Caligula, a sexually depraved and corrupt man, is
pictured crouching beneath orchids and foxheads. The warrior woman's power is
concealed beneath a decidedly feminine floral arrangement. The ability of a
woman to be powerful is further evidenced in the translation of Bodicea's
name: She who brings victory.
From her examination of what could be possible for a woman to achieve Rich
shows the reader what she sees currently among women: "Two handsome women,
gripped in argument, / each proud, acute, subtle, I hear scream / across the
cut glass and majolica / like Furies cornered from their prey" (Rich 33-6).
Women, who have so much power hidden under the orchids of potential fail to
use it, instead they squabble and bicker. Ad feminam is defined as "Appealing
to irrelevant personal considerations concerning women, especially
prejudices," and Rich brings the point home to her readers. She takes the
knives that other women have stabbed her in the back with and drives them
right back into the source. There seems to be puzzlement in Rich's voice in
stanza 3, comparing women to Furies and noting that the knives they stab one
another with are rusted, which is indicative of old fights. The last lines of
the poem further underline this as Rich calls women "ma semblable, ma souer!"
(Rich 39), (my similar, my sisters) is a desperate cry to unity.
The author continues on in this vein in stanza 4, with the admission that
women, and Rich herself see this disunity in each other. That women know the
gifts that lie dormant in them fail to come to fruition is a spiritual thorn,
continually being sharpened by frustration. Rich knows that in herself as
well as others they remain tied to domestic tasks, sedentary lifestyles
"Reading while waiting/ for the iron to heat, / writing" (Rich 43-4) and
failing to strike while the iron is hot, when change should happen. The
reader would be remiss not to notice that what Rich is writing is "My Life has
stood-a Loaded Gun-" (Rich 45), and that she is like that loaded gun: Ready
to go off and cause damage, to burst free as bullet leaves a chamber. Jellies
that sit static in a pantry, yet still have the energy to boil and scum, to
continue chemical reactions and putrefy, emphasize the motion implied in the
gun. The writer is "iron-eyed and beaked and purposed as a bird" (Rich 48) to
show again that she wants to fly free, but instead continues to be weighted
with the tedium of "dusting everything on the whatnot every day of life"
(Rich 49).
Stanza 5 is a short stanza about what Rich is supposed to do, and what she is
supposed to present to the world: she is supposed to have a sweet smile and a
sweet laugh, to shave her legs to be beautiful to her husband. The act of
shaving makes her legs shine like a mammoth tusk, and like a mammoth tusk she
should be as delicate and unreachable as a museum exhibit. She is also a
prisoner of the old concepts of groomed beauty as surely as the tusk is a
prisoner of the velvet ropes that hold it on a pedestal.
Stanza 6 gives Rich's feminine side a chance to shine through. In the first
part she shows us Corinna who is able to play the lute. Corinna is Rich, with
her gift of music equaling Rich's gift for words. Of course the gift, the
power of this talent is still seen in a man's eye. Her gift is a pale
imitation of what men are. "...Corinna, following in the footsteps of men,
cannot call her music her own, just as a woman writer attempting to imitate
the masters denies her own literary voice" (Dixon 3).
Rich continues to use a bird as a symbol showing it "Poised, trembling and
unsatisfied, before / and unlocked door, that cage of cages," (Rich 60-1) and
although the door is not bolted it forms a prison nonetheless. Her
"fertilisante douleur", her pain is absolute and paralyzing and she is kept
there by preconceived ideas of "love" and "natural action". Nature has shown
her the household books, the ledgers of what should be done that she never
bothered to show to men, and this knowledge continues to hold Rich, no matter
how she struggles or hurts.
Stanza 7 begins with a quotation by "a woman" that Rich does not name. The
reader could assume that it is the voice of Rich taken from outside the poem
to make a point. The quotation tells the reader that one must have something
rock solid to cling to in life, in order to make it bearable. The author had
her life as a housewife, but it was her life as a writer that she was able to
keep as something that was the bedrock of life. Rich, by remaining in her
life of domestic toil is only partly brave or good and understands only part
of her world. She is conflicted by her desire to fly and the need to stay as
taught by society. Rich, however, in trying to reconcile these two parts of
her soul is trying to understand her life whereas "Few men about her would or
could do more," (Rich 75). The backlash because she tries to understand and
make vocal her problems with this life causes those outside of her to label
her with hateful names.
Rich begins stanza 8 with a quote, presumably from _Enlightenment_ writer
Denis Diderot. In it Diderot states that she/women will die at fifteen which
was considered a marriageable age for young women. Eyes, the window to the
soul, are being closed and then blanketed with steam. The eyes are obscured
in two ways, doubling the sense of loss that Rich must have felt at the time.
She goes on to write that "all that we might have been,/ all that we
were-fire, tears, wit, taste, martyred ambition-" (Rich 81-3). These fine
things are tamped down in order to make a new life with a man, but still they
stir at the bottom of memory, waiting to come to the fore of life. The
daughter-in-law has sacrificed her ambition and passions to the "normal" life
that she was always told to have, and this becomes more apparent as mid-life
with flagging and possibly sagging bosom reminds her of what was.
Stanza 9 gives the reader further insight into Rich's conception of the male
dominated world. Even time is a male, prone to slip into his cups while
looking at women as invalids or saluting only their beauty, never their minds.
Their body is what matters to time and history although their bodies are weak,
only for display. Time only praises half-hearted attempts by women and sees
them as slatterns who are to be forgiven for simple transgressions. Of
course, as Rich is quick to point out, those who dare to cast off that mold or
to strike out on their own must fear retribution. The author brings the
horrors of war into the household as graphic examples of what waits for women
who "cast too bold a shadow", confinement, tear gas, shelling. It is
interesting that Rich uses as punishment those things that men typically use
against other men, taking the post World War II violence that many of them may
have brought home with them and opening the home makers life to them.
"Snapshots of a Daughter-in-Law" ends with Rich giving in to some of her
thoughts of escapism and perhaps a small jibe at the longer form she used in
the poem. It begins with "Well, / she's long about her coming, who must be /
more merciless to herself than history" (Rich 108-10). The poem draws to a
close and Rich is telling the reader that she is the one who has to deal with
all of these conflicting emotions, and that nothing history can say about her
will ever equal the conclusions she had to reach by herself. One startling
shift in her voice is the change from a bird wanting to be free to a
helicopter. The reader could see a bird gracefully flapping to gain altitude
and fly away whereas a helicopter literally beats the air into submission with
its rotors. A helicopter flies not by working within the natural realm as
birds to, but by rising through sheer force. A helicopter is a mechanized,
powerful, masculine thing. Rich's cargo is not a nebulous promise but
something real and concrete, that can be held and delivered. Most importantly
she calls the promise "ours" (Rich 122) showing that she was able to escape
and so can other women.
-Works Cited-
Bunch, Bryan. _The History of Science and Technology: A browser's guide to
the great discoveries inventions and the people who made them from the
dawn of time to today_. New York: Houghton Mifflin Co., 2004. (p 565).
Eliot, T.S. _The Wasteland_. Michael North ed. New York: Norton Critical
Editions, 2001.
Miller, Dusty. _Women who Hurt Themselves: A book of Hope and
Understanding_. New York: Basic Books, 1994.
Rich, Adrienne. _Arts of the Possible_. New York: W.W. Norton and Co.,
2001.
Scott, Manda. _Dreaming the Eagle_. New York: Bantam Dell, 2003.
Southam, B.C. _A Guide to the Selected Poems of T.S. Eliot_ sixth ed.
Orlando: Harcourt and Brace, 1996.
Strong, Marilee. _A Bright Red Scream: Self Mutilation and the language of
pain_. New York: Penguin Books, 1998.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#142 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMV fastjack/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMV GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :EAT YOUR FINGER:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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w _____ ____ 1 4 333 "Pillows" w
D // | \ 11 44 3 by Bob the Master of the World D
* || ____ | || | 1 444 333 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 4 3 issue #143 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 4 333 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 05/05/05 w
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I'd like to tell the story of a man named Jack Irrelland. When Jack was a
small boy, growing up on the West Coast, his mother would often take him on
walks about the neighborhood. On these walks, a man would often walk in front
of them with his dog. This man was a large specimen, of Mongo-Jonesian
proportions. As Jack was but a little fellow, he could see only one thing
during these walks, this man's enormous buttocks. And day after day, week
after week, Jack fell in love with those buttocks and hoped that he would
someday have buttocks like those.
The years passed, and Jack blossomed into a respectable looking human being.
However, he lacked the one physical asset he craved, those gargantuan gluteal
muscles. He looked about for means of obtaining this feature, the object of
his early love. Due to his heritage, his parents only bought a reasonable
amount of food, so that he could not consume vast quantities of food in an
effort to enlarge himself in the hope of consequently enlarging his buttocks.
One night, as he lay in his bed, he became frustrated with the apparent
futility of his quest. He took his pillow and began beating on to relieve his
frustration, when he stumbled upon his solution. Jack quickly moved to his
closet and retrieved a large pair of pants, a foolish purchase that he made
while in the grips of his buttocks lust. He put the pants on, though they fit
him not. He took his two full-sized pillows and placed one on each back side
of the pants. Eureka! Jack now had the buttocks he long desired.
Fortunately for Jack, his parents were moving soon, so he wouldn't have to
explain his new appearance to his classmates. His parents were unconcerned,
as they had long thought their son a sort of queerish little man. Jack went
on to earn to attend a prestigious law school on the West Coast. He
encountered a few difficulties at the school, mostly with finding seating that
could accommodate his large artificial posterior. He found life in the city
inconvenient after his transformation. In time, Jack grew to love the sea,
seeing in it a vastness that could easily deal with his newfound girth in a
way the land never could. Thus, Jack decided to specialize in maritime law,
and after three years he graduated.
Proceeding on to the next duly appointed stage in life, Jack was wed. Before
he had a chance to conceive a child, however, the government approached him
and asked if he would take on one of their agents, a small, powerful man who
had an uncanny resemblance to a young girl, as their child. Jack, honored to
serve his country, took on the government agent, and with his wife, relocated
to Lubbock, TX, a city ironically nicknamed Lowbuttocks.
Jack began to teach at a local high school, where he soon encountered his
arch-enemy, another boy that Jack's parents might have referred to as a
"queerish little man." This arch-enemy was mocked by Jack, though unbeknownst
to Jack, he was already a ruler of the earth. They battled long and often,
but the arch-enemy's greatest victory came in the discovery of Jack's darkest
secret: the truth behind his fattish backside. He exposed Jack to his fellow
classmates, and the name "Pillows" began to be whispered in every bathroom
stall and lunch line. Jack, devastated by this discovery, knew that he must
flee Lubbock, lest his other secret, the harboring of a government agent, be
revealed as well. Thus, on some rather ridiculous pretense of dissatisfaction
with his employment, Jack returned to the West Coast, with his wife and the
government agent in tow.
Did Jack's secret ever lead to his doom? What was the government agent's
mission, and did he ever succeed? What brand and type of pillows did he use,
and how often did he need to replace them? Alas, these questions must be
answered by a different hand. I leave you with this short verse, composed by
the arch-enemy on the eve of Jack's flight from Lubbock:
O Pillows, why do you run?
The time for fear is done
Remove those foolish things
We'll forgive everything
O Pillows, you look absurd
Though you went to Stanford
You won't escape my dominion
Though Spain sank into oblivion
O Pillows, what will you do?
The pillows cannot save you
One day they will get flat
Then where will you be at?
Admittedly, the verse is terrible, but the arch-enemy wasn't too bright,
though he did discover the pillows. Let this tale be a lesson to all those
who become enamored with the giant ass of a girthful man: one day your secret
will be discovered, and you must hide in shame with your wife and government
agent.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#143 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMV Bob the Master of the World/GwD Pubz /---------------\
copyright (c) MMV GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :EAT YOUR FINGER:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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w _____ ____ 1 4 4 "On Social Stigmata: w
D // | \ 11 44 44 Jesus, Magic, and Ciacco the Hog" D
* || ____ | || | 1 444 444 by Dr. Dr. Otis, M.D. *
G || || \ / | || | 1 4 4 issue #144 of _GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 4 4 with a Twist -- of Lime_ * rel 05/05/05 w
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
*** ABSTRACT ***
In this treatise, I will examine the growing phenomenon known as Social
Stigmata. Our fellow dr00g, Ciacco the Hog, suffered a severe bout of Social
Stigmata recently, so it seems timely to investigate social Stigmata now.
This treatise is unique in the literature. Despite an exhaustive search, I
have been unable to find any legitimate research into this topic. The basics
of Social Stigmata are discussed, conclusions are drawn, and a case study is
provided in an effort to explain actions that can be taken to alleviate the
effects of the disorder.
*** KEYWORDS ***
Stigmata; social setting; social situation; blood; bleeding; gut;
psychobabble; anxiety; social anxiety disorder; drugs; wounds of Christ;
crucifixion; cruci-fiction; dr00gscience; pseudo-science; religious
manifestations in public places
*** INTRODUCTION ***
Despite vigorous research on the topic, I have been unable to uncover even one
article in the literature that discusses Social Stigmata of this sort. There
are a multitude of references to "social stigmata" (note the lowercase "s"),
but this is merely because the plural of "stigma" is "stigmata," and the
definitions of "social stigma" are well established in the literature (1-3 and
many others). In this article, I will discuss Social Stigmata (capital "S"),
referring to The Stigmata.
*** BACKGROUND ***
The Stigmata are the wounds that the Romans made when they allegedly pounded
nails into the hands and feet of Jesus of Nazareth (5). Also included as
Stigmata are the wounds to the head, back, and side that were allegedly
suffered by the aforementioned Nazarene from a crown of thorns, lashing, and
a spear. Thus, The Stigmata are not just any old garden-variety "stigmata;"
They are Worthy Of Capitalization because They relate to the one that is
called I Am.
Incidentally, The Stigmata have been referenced in popular culture (6-7 and
many others that are less-worthy of mention here; and you know that they then
must be pretty crappy...the Ministry song is decent, but the movie is
forgettable and little more than a 2 hour music video).
Social Stigmata occur when someone experiences The Stigmata in a social
setting. Not just this, actually, but when the social setting brings on The
Stigmata. Whereas the standard introvert will merely sweat when forced to
interact with people at a party, the Social Stigmatic will begin to bleed
from his/her hands, feet, head, back, and side. As a result of this bleeding,
people usually recoil from the Social Stigmatic with equal parts horror and
disgust. Then, other party-goers summon a large, ogreish fellow named Rocco
to eject the Social Stigmatic from the proceedings.
The causes of Social Stigmata are many and varied. These include:
hemophilia, devout and irrational Christianity, listening to Linkin Park, and
prostitutes (see this author's "Call for Legalized Prostitution" (4)). When
you elicit the services of a prostitute, make sure that you bring some of your
closest friends with you. Have them surround the prostitute. If she begins
bleeding, it means one of two things: 1. she has a serious venereal disease
or 2. she has Social Stigmata. Either way, you would be well-advised to keep
your distance, or it could get messy.
*** CONCLUSIONS ***
You do not need to fear the Social Stigmatic. Sure, if the Social Stigmatic
has AIDS, you will probably get infected and die. But look at Magic Johnson;
he allegedly has AIDS, but you still see him strutting his stuff. Other than
the possibility of death, what else is there to worry about? You might get
some of his blood on your pants, but those pants are probably already stained
by someone else's seminal fluids (after all, you're at a party when the Social
Stigmatic reveals himself).
*** DEALING WITH A SOCIAL STIGMATIC ***
If you or someone you know is a Social Stigmatic, do not be alarmed. Follow
these easy steps and all will be well. However, proceed with caution.
1) Isolate the Social Stigmatic. C'mon, bleeding everywhere? That's just
gross.
2) Force the Social Stigmatic to eat large quantities of food. Social
Stigmata can be cured by morbid obesity. Remember that, kids.
*** CASE STUDY ***
To depict the proper response to an outburst of Social Stigmata, consider how
we handled Ciacco the Hog. He showed up at GwD Fest 2005 and was swarmed by
several newly-inducted dr00gs who had grown up inspired by his masterpiece
"Remembering Porkins" (6). Suddenly, Ciacco's hands and feet began to bleed.
Lobo Licious and Bob the Master of the World, recognizing the signs of
Social Stigmata from their days in psych-divinity school, parted the crowd
and forced Ciacco to eat lots and lots of food. Ciacco began to grow calm,
as his gut, Nigel, commanded him to calm down.
The two imperial dr00gs continued to feed Ciacco until Nigel ruptured. While
the rupturing was far more disgusting than his bleeding had been, at least
Ciacco's hands and feet no longer bore The Stigmata. It should thus be noted
that while consumption of mass quantities of food can cure (or at least
assuage the symptoms of) Social Stigmata, it can itself have dangerous side
effects.
*** REFERENCES ***
1. "Social stigma," _Wikipedia: The Free Encyclopedia_, 06:04 UTC, 31 March
2005, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stigmata (25 April 2005).
2. "Holy See calls for banishing of 'social stigma' against AIDS victims",
Catholic News Agency World Wide Web Site, 25 November 2004,
http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/new.php?n=2547 (25 April 2005).
3. Ellison, M.A. and J.E. Hall, "Social stigma and compounded losses:
quality-of-life issues for multiple-birth families," _Fertility and
Sterility_, Volume 80, Issue 2, Pages 405-414.
4. Dr. Dr. Otis, "Sex without Strings: A Call for Legalized Prostitution,"
_GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime_ Issue #124,
17 May 2002, http://www.greeny.org/media/text/gwd124.txt (25 April 2005).
5. "Stigmata," _Wikipedia: The Free Encyclopedia_, 16:53 UTC, 25 April 2005,
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stigmata (25 April 2005).
6. Ministry, "Stigmata," Perf. Ministry. _The Land of Rape and Honey_,
Warner Brothers, 1988.
7. _Stigmata_, dir. Rupert Wainwright, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios, 1999.
8. Ciacco the Hog, "Remembering Porkins," _GwD: The American Dream with a
Twist -- of Lime_ Issue #134, 10 June 2003,
http://www.greeny.org/media/text/gwd134.txt (25 April 2005).
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#144 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMV Dr. Dr. Otis, M.D./GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMV GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :EAT YOUR FINGER:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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w _____ ____ 1 4 555 "Dispatches from the Plains VII" w
D // | \ 11 44 5 by fastjack D
* || ____ | || | 1 444 555 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 4 5 issue #145 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 4 555 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 05/05/05 w
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Let's get something clear here. You are not a "Spiritual Person." You have
no concept of the higher glory of the spirit. You mix new age bullshit with
old time religion and you create this deity, this beard in the clouds who
gives a damn about you. You blithely assume that because the prohibition
against bacon is out the window that you can pick and choose from the Old
Testament, and further, you seem to think that just because you own a book on
Angels and live in what is termed a "Christian Nation" that you have some kind
of one up on the rest of the universe.
Somehow, this twisted mish-mash of various and sundry spirituality seems to
grant you insight into the higher order of the universe. You're like this
knucklehead (URL no longer resolves, alas). Somehow, you think that even when
you live (metaphorically) in the home of an ex-Waffen SS officer, near a
concentration camp where thousands of people died, that some angel or ghost or
ghost of an angel is going to swoop down from the heavenly host and change
some traffic lights so you make it to work on time. Let's try to clarify this
a bit: You think that a being of divine creation that spends its time
praising God for all eternity or destroying cities that happen to be rife with
wickedness has the time in their celestial Day Runner to make sure your
fucking nonfat mochachino is ready quickly so that you don't miss the fucking
trailers at the vapid and empty film you are going to see? You think they
found your keys today? While people die of starvation all over the world on a
daily basis, you think that an angel took the time out of their day to make
sure your huge ass didn't have to walk through three rooms to find the keys to
your SUV? And you honestly believe this because it said it in a book you got
on the bargain spirituality table at your local faceless book emporium? The
one right next to the tarot cards? The tarot cards that are pretty much a no
go in YOUR BIBLE?
Well, here's the problem. You are an idiot. Well, maybe not an idiot, I'm
feeling charitable. There was a can of Vienna Sausages in the cabinet I
didn't know about, so at least I get dinner tonight. No, you are gullible.
You assume that because something is wrapped in shiny words, it must be good.
If the back cover of someone's books says they have a PhD in angelology, well
it must be good. Obviously, they did eight years of school to get that
degree, and since we've established you lack the capability to ask yourself,
"Is there really a PhD in angelology?" they must be learned. You would go out
of your way to pick up a book that says it's used by the military and purports
to hold great secrets
(http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?isbn=0938294369).
You assume that what it says on the cover is true. It's a mystical book so it
must be kept from the normal people like yourself who would only use it for
good. Obviously, it is a secret the warmongers want to keep to themselves.
Bullshit. I was in the Army and I can tell you this: I can put a 120mm tank
round into a mouse ass from four thousand meters, I can call artillery onto a
busload of children with nothing but a pair of binoculars and my hand, I can
clean a latrine so well that your guardian angel would take a day off to
admire it, but I sure as fuck can't make myself invisible.
You want to be spiritual, you read the Bible. You want that connection to a
deity, then you just say, "OK, this is my commitment. I don't do bad things,
I aspire to live like Jesus." That's it, that's all there is to it. You
don't buy books and cards and candles and hope to learn some mystical shit.
That isn't spirituality, that is signing up to be a magician's assistant.
Done.
Ok, I can't talk at you anymore. It always makes my chest hurt and my left
arm go numb. You're a jerk.
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#145 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMV fastjack/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMV GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :EAT YOUR FINGER:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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_.---[ EPISODE III: RETURN OF the GwD ]----------------------------._
/ .----------------------------------------------------------------. \
| | ______ ____________ ___ ________ | |
| | / _____|____ ____| / \ | ____ \ | |
| | ( (___ | | / \ | |____) ) | |
| | \____ \ | | / ^ \ | __ / | |
| |________________) ) | | / /~~~\ \ | | \ \ ___________| |
| __________________/ |__|__/__/ __\__\|__| \______________ |
| ___________ \ / / \ | ____ \ / _____________ |
| | \ \ __ / / \ | |____) ) ( (___ | |
| | \ \ / \ / / ^ \ | __ / \____ \ | |
| | \ ` /\ ' / /~~~\ \ | | \ \ _______) ) | |
| | \__/ \__/__/ \__\|__| \____________/ | |
| | | |
\ `----------------------------------------------------------------' /
`------------------------------------------------------[ Special ]---'
----- GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime ***** Issue # 146 -----
----- release date: 05-05-05 -----
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
Not so long ago, right here in our scuzz-bucket of a galaxy, three movies
changed the world. Now, the STAR WARS saga is continuing, and we're here to
get our names associated with it in any way we can. That's right, "GwD: The
American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" is continuing in its self-proclaimed
role as THE unOFFICIAL STAR WARS E-ZINE. This here is the third installment,
aptly titled,
"EPISODE III: RETURN OF the GwD STAR WARS Special."
The stuff in this file is from a few sources. No copyright infringement is
intended. We merely feel that this stuff is worthy of preservation. Authors
are credited where we know who wrote this stuff. For posterity, my friends,
we're saving this crap for posterity.
It should be noted that the content of this issue of THE GwD STAR WARS SPECIAL
is much more cynical and jaded than the last two. That is largely due to the
fact that we haven't been inundated with Star Wars-related forwards this time.
That's also due to the fact that many of us have a love-hate relationship with
Lucas's creation.
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
<- CONTENTS ->
I. GENERAL STAR WARS
a. 'fastjack and Lobo Licious discuss Star Wars and George Lucas'
b. 'JUST A FEW OF THE REASONS WHY STAR WARS IS BETTER THAN REAL LIFE
II. EPISODE THREE
a. 'Star Wars Episode III Trailer by Jaffo'
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
-=> I. GENERAL STAR WARS <=-
---------------------
-> a. fastjack and Lobo Licious discuss Star Wars
fj: Well, I did go into an hour long rant yesterday at work about my problems
with timeline continuity in Star Wars between EP 3 and EP 4. It was
baaaaaaaad. I used words like "canon" and "dilution of the brand if the Zahn
books get made into film". I mean bad. I stopped at one point and went "What
the hell did I just say?"
LL: <laughs> I think the probability of making the zahn books into films
approaches zero. Also, I read that there's going to be 2 Star Wars tv series
(serieses?), both of which (I think) take place between ep3 and 4. Though I
could be full of shit about the books. And about the shows.
fj: Yeah. Those shows would, in my opinion, blast the timeline further.
However, as I keep saying, my relationship is like a wife who gets beat. I'll
just keep going back.
LL: That's really bad. But funny.
fj: Well, it's true. No matter how bad the films, I keep going back. I
mean, it's Star Wars. I remember that when EP 1 came out, it was on my
birthday, I had just split up with Nicole for the 1st time. Work sucked.
Life sucked. And I went with the assumption that it would be good based on
the trailers. Then, I watched a goddamn 7 hour race and was introduced to
"midicholrians". Whack, right in the eye. And yet, when EP2 came out I said
"I fell into a doorknob. I just want to be with George again."
LL: <laughs>
fj: These are the conversations my GF should never be privy to.
LL: You're probably right. So, maybe you shouldn't tell her about this
stuff.
fj: <laughs> You know, that's the best part. I joke about being a closet
geek, but later I tell her about it. She thinks I'm 1.) Hilarious. 2.)
Insane. She seems to be down with my nerdy stylee.
LL: Yeah, my wife is cool like that, too...definitely down with my nerd/geek
stuff.
fj: A rare quality, to be sure.
LL: Indeed. Lucky fellows are we.
-----
-> b. JUST A FEW OF THE REASONS WHY STAR WARS IS BETTER THAN REAL LIFE:
[Just to prove that we aren't totally cynical, we're including this tidbit we
found that doesn't assume that Episode III will suck OR compare Star Wars
addiction to an abusive relationship. -Ed.]
1. In real life, people drive "the Pacer", "the Pinto", and "the Station
Wagon"
In Star Wars, people drive "Speeder Bikes", "X-wing fighters", and "the
Millenium Falcon."
2. In real life, bar fights with strange looking people are often
looked at as bad and sinful;
In Star Wars, bar fights with strange looking creatures is heroic and
the way of the just Jedi Knight.
3. In real life, people that talk to small fuzzy creatures are called
crazy;
In Star Wars, people that talk to small fuzzy creatures are called
galactic ambassadors.
4. In real life, people who dress up in tight plastic/leather outfits are
considered tacky and queer;
In Star Wars, they're called "Storm Troopers" and are feared by all.
5. In real life, people often stink up the bathroom with their fecal odors,
toilet paper runs out, and people get diarrhea;
In Star Wars, no one has ever used the bathroom.
6. In real life, tall hairy, humanlike creatures are rarely seen by
backwoods alcoholics, and are named ridiculous things like "Bigfoot"
and "Sasquatch";
In Star Wars, tall hairy humanlike creatures are called Wookiees, and
have their own language, planet, social structure, and carry
formidable weaponry
7. In real life, people must deal with the problems of children;
In Star Wars, children do not exist.
8. In real life, it is often difficult to understand the languages of
others, such as 7-11 employees, fast food window operators, and
college profs.;
In Star Wars, everyone understands everybody, regardless of language
barriers.
9. In real life, the extremely obese are often sadly shunned by society;
In Star Wars, the extremely obese Jabba the Hutt is a pimp daddy, and
has his own sail barge, lounge room, and scantily clad female
dancers to keep him occupied--he is envied by all.
10. In real life, people often have problems doing simple mechanical things
like operating can openers, programming VCRs, and playing Nintendo;
In Star Wars, Droids do all the busy work in half the time.
11. In real life, some people are complete losers;
In Star Wars, everybody has a story to tell that's worth listening to.
12. In real life, people sometimes smell;
In Star Wars, people are never "ripe", and yet they need not shower.
MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU...
Yet Another E-Mail Sent By The International Junk Mail Clearinghouse (IJMC).
Unless otherwise specified, distribute freely. All questions, comments,
submissions, and requests should be directed to Dave at eatheror@netcom.com
IJMC WebPage - http://gsusgi2.gsu.edu/~stdmdix/ijmc/ijmc.html
This is Mac. \\\\|////
He wants to travel the world. ( O O )
Please add him to your .sig and help him. ---oOOo--U--oOOo---
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
-=> II. EPISODE THREE <=-
------------------
-> "Episode III Trailer" by Jaffo
The Star Wars Episode III Trailer is out, and it basically gives away
everything.
I am consumed by anticipation and dread, as I wait for George Lucas to piss
away the last of my childhood memories.
We know it's going to suck; the rest is only a matter of degree.
My expectations have been spun so low at this point, I was actually impressed
by what I saw in the trailer. Not by the plot, which is certainly a lost
cause, but by the visuals, which are even cooler than I thought they would be.
I saw that trailer and thought, "Wow. I can't wait for the video game."
Jedi and Sith and Clone Troopers in all colors of the rainbow. Magnificent
set pieces and special effects that drop like candy from a digital pinata.
This movie is a two-hour music video composed by George Lucas and John
Williams. If I start practicing now, I should be able to ignore the plot
completely.
I'm excited about the Star Wars films, not for what they are now, but for what
I imagine they will be, in the interdeterminate future when Lucas is dead. I
want to write novels about an alternate Star Wars universe where Anakin
Skywalker was never born.
I want to see the movies that should have been made in the past ten years.
Basically, Lucas gave in to his worst instincts and ignored the human element
that made his films such a success.
I said it once, I'll say it a thousand times. These films should have been
about the life of Han Solo, the rise and fall of an Imperial Officer, driven
by conscience, and the love of a Wookiee, to turn away from his government
and strike out on his own.
Forget all this Jedi crap and send the Brits back to London. That's the story
I want to see.
Fortunately, someone has already written a great story in the Star Wars
universe. It's call Knights of the Old Republic, and a sequel is on the
way...
George Lucas may not know how to handle his universe, but Obsidian does, and
the future belongs to the fans.
- http://www.michaelduff.net/ -
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
(NOTE: STAR WARS and related terms are registered trademarks of
Lucasfilm Ltd.
If you don't know what we mean by "related terms," you are a deprived
soul who should kindly fuck off.
Oh yeah, and all registered trademarks are used without permission,
but since this is a free e-zine, it wouldn't really be worthwhile to
sue us, would it?
So there. SO THERE. CHACH.
Despite all of this, Star Wars is cool and it always will be.)
\____________________________________________________________________________/
/ \
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#146 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
distributed MMV GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMV Original Authors-no infringement intended :HUMANITY SUCKS.:
presented by The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 4 777 "Ass-Hairs" w
D // | \ 11 44 7 by Lobo Licious D
* || ____ | || | 1 444 7 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 4 7 issue #147 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 4 7 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 05/05/05 w
D D
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
this is gross, so feel free to skip it. or comment about how it made you
vomit. or whatever.
so i just got back from the bathroom. when i got there, the two urinals were
occupied. "no big deal," i figured as i sauntered into one of the stalls. i
was about to lift the seat, like a nice fellow, when i noticed that said seat
was bespeckled with a multitude of hairs. ass-hairs. sure, it's not uncommon
to see an ass-hair or a stray pube on the toilet seat in a public bathroom;
that's what they make those seat covers for. but it is rare to see a
multitude of ass-hairs on the same toilet seat. whoever used the stall last
(hopefully just one person deposited these, since otherwise people would have
been sitting on each-other's ass-hairs, which would be quite disgusting)
apparently has a shedding problem. disgusting as it was, i wish i'd had my
digital camera just so i could show all of you fine people what i'm talking
about.
anyway, i proceeded to lift the seat using my foot (just the bottom of it,
actually), as i was taught in elementary school, and take my leak. i then
came back to my office, shaking my head, pondering the ass-hairs.
- http://www.chach-house.net/~lobo/ -
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#147 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMV Lobo Licious/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMV GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :HUMANITY SUCKS.:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 4 888 "Slopetopia" w
D // | \ 11 44 8 8 by Bob the Master of the World D
* || ____ | || | 1 444 888 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 4 8 8 issue #148 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 4 888 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 05/05/05 w
D D
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
I had a dream the other night. I was in a field. I thought at first that it
was grass, but then I realized it was rice. I plucked some of it from the
ground and tasted it. It was amazing. I wandered for a bit, and I hit upon
a dirt road that led into a market.
The market thronged with a veritable sea of people, all of whom appeared to be
much smaller than I was. I waded through them, as I waded through the rice
field. As I looked down upon their small faces, I noticed smiles upon all of
them, and they spoke in a rapid, odd type of sing-song speech. They offered
me all sorts of electronic gadgets, and the air was abuzz with the sounds of
circuitry and currents.
Beyond the market was some kind of palace, whose gate was large enough for me
to enter. Upon entering, I was greeted by a number of females, one of which
led me into some chamber. I looked into her eyes, and they were small slits.
I noticed she had some difficulty seeing me, but I was large enough for her to
get a general feel of my location and bodily activity. She spoke to me,
saying "Five?" She repeated this question several times, and then she grabbed
my penis with her diminutive hand. Taken aback by this, yet at the same time
pleased, I nodded my head vigorously in assent. She proceeded to fellate me,
and the other females entered into the chamber. One by one, they took turns,
and at the end of this lengthy exercise, they requested a small sum of perhaps
fifty dollars. Thus, as I deduced, the original words were in the form of an
offer, namely for an act of fellatio for five dollars. As I had a sizeable
amount of money on my person, I continued to receive such services.
Unfortunately, at the height of ecstasy, I awoke. Before the dream ended, I
realized, just for an instant, where in fact I was. Slopetopia!
[This file is offensive. You probably shouldn't have read it. -Ed.]
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#148 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMV Bob tMotW/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMV GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :HUMANITY SUCKS.:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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G G
w _____ ____ 1 4 999 "uh-rith-muh-tick" w
D // | \ 11 44 9 9 by Aardv@rk D
* || ____ | || | 1 444 999 *
G || || \ / | || | 1 4 9 issue #149 of "GwD: The American Dream G
w \\___// \/\/ |____/ 111 4 999 with a Twist -- of Lime" * rel 05/05/05 w
D D
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--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
[This was written 10 years ago for my Algebra II class in high school. The
teacher also taught remedial math, and I guess she was tired of it, so she
made us write these lame descriptions of how to do math problems to help her
out or something. We had to do "writing assignments" in every class; it's all
about teaching to the standardized test that has a writing portion. We were
supposed to write about how to do the four basic artithmetic operations with
both positive and negative integers. It always struck me as odd that we were
supposed to explain negative numbers but not fractions/decimals, since both of
these concepts require understanding of one of the operations we were supposed
to explain. How can you understand negative numbers if you don't know how to
subtract? Seriously. That teacher was dumb; much dumber than the kids that
were in HS and didn't know how to add.
Anyway, this got a good grade, despite its condescension. -Aardv@rk]
I hear you've been having some trouble with math. Well, don't you worry about
that! I'm going to teach you math backwards and forwards so you'll never have
trouble again. Adding, subtracting, multiplying and dividing will be a piece
of cake if you follow my simple instructions. If you really don't know this
stuff, you should probably quit using the computer and get to studying.
You must start with addition. Addition is the simplest mathematical
operation and the easiest to learn. It is simply putting two (or more) things
together. For example, if you have two apples and I give you one more apple,
how many apples do you have? There are three apples. If you do not
understand this, count two of your fingers and then count one more. (If you
do not know how to count, you are beyond help. Also, if you do not have
fingers, well, umm, count beans or something.) The number sentence (it is
called that because it is somewhat like a word sentence) for this is
"2 + 1 = 3" because you had two apples and I gave you one more. What if you
have three oranges and I give you three more? You have six oranges. The
number sentence this time is "3 + 3 = 6". Now, let's try something a little
bit harder. If you have six peanuts and I give you 3 more, how many peanuts
do you have in all? You have nine peanuts. The number sentence this time is
"6 + 3 = 9". Addition works the same way for larger numbers. When you add
zero to a number, the number stays the same: "5 + 0 = 5". Addition is
commutative. That means that "5 + 2 = 2 + 5 = 7". Basically, being
commutative rocks nads. It means that the numbers to be added can be added in
any order and give you the same result.
"What about these 'negative numbers' I have heard so much about but have no
idea what they are?" is probably what you are asking yourself right now.
Well, I am not supposed to tell you what negative numbers are, even though I
am supposed to tell you how to use them. Don't worry, it does not make any
sense to me either. Addition with negative numbers is as follows:
"5 + - 6 = -1" which is exactly the same thing as saying "5 - 6 = -1", turning
it into a subtraction problem from an addition problem. Similarly,
"-5 + -6 = -11" is the same as saying "-5 - 6 = -11". This has also turned it
into a subtraction problem. See the next paragraph for help with subtraction.
If you think you understand, move on to the next paragraph. If you feel that
you need a little bit more practice, try these examples or the problems
following the instructions on your own or ask your parents or teacher for
help.
Subtraction is a little bit more difficult than addition, but not much. You
should think of subtraction as the opposite of addition. Let's go back to the
apple example. You now have three apples, right? What if I take my apple
back? I'm a mean bastard, huh? How many apples do you have then? If you
think you would have 2 two apples, you are correct. The number sentence this
time is "3 - 1 = 2". That may seem easy, but what will happen if I use a
problem you haven't seen before? There are nine kids that you are friends
with in your class. If two of them go to another class, then how many friends
are left in your class? There are seven friends left in your class. The
number sentence is "9 - 2 = 7". How about just a number sentence without
things related to it? Try this number sentence and fill in the blank:
"11 - 5 = __". Did you put "6" in the blank? You should have. If you
didn't, they're all going to laugh at you. Negative numbers are just one
small step beyond standard run of the mill everyday subtraction. If you
subtract zero from a number, you get the same number: "4 - 0 = 4". Think of
negative numbers as zero minus a positive number. For example, "0 - 4 = -4".
Adding a negative number is the same thing as subtracting a positive number:
"4 + -1 = 4 - 1 = 3". What about subtracting negative numbers? Subtracting
negative numbers is addition. "5 - -2 = 5 + 2" because the "minus signs"
cancel each other out. Think that the negative sign in front of a negative
number changes whatever sign (+ or -) to the other sign (- or +). So,
"-1 - -2 = -1 + 2 = 1" and "5 + -3 = 5 - 3 = 2". Negative numbers are tricky
until you get the hang of using them. Subtraction is not commutative! I
DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I'VE HAD TO EXPLAIN THIS PART. YOU'D BETTER
REMEMBER IT! SERIOUSLY. Do you think you need to spend some more time on
subtraction, or can we move on to multiplication? If you need some more help,
do not be ashamed to try some of the provided problems or ask an adult for
help. That's what we're here for. Sort of.
Multiplication is nothing but addition on a large scale. If there are ten
classrooms and each classroom has 20 students in it, how many students are
there in all? You could count or use the number sentence
"20 + 20 + 20 + 20 + 20 + 20 + 20 + 20 + 20 + 20 = ___"
If you add all of these twenties the number you will get is 200. However,
since you know that you are adding twenty ten times, you can say twenty times
ten equals two hundred or "20 X 10 = 200". If you have seven pairs of socks,
how many socks do you have? (There are two socks in a pair.) Use the number
sentence "7 X 2 = __". If you put 14 in the blank, good job. If you
didn't, well, try again. Remember that any number times one is that number:
"3 X 1 = 3". Also, you must know that any number multiplied by zero is zero.
Using the classroom problem, if there are zero classrooms with twenty students
each, then how many classrooms students are there? If you said zero, you are
right. If you didn't, pay better attention. This is shown by "20 X 0 = 0" or
"0 X 20 = 0". Like addition, multiplication is commutative; you can put the
numbers to be multiplied in any order and the result will not change:
"3 X 4 = 4 X 3 = 12". You are now ready to move on to multiplication by
negative numbers. There are four things you need to know to multiply using
negative numbers: 1) a positive times a negative is always a negative; 2) a
negative times a positive is always a negative (which, given commutativity, is
the same thing as a positive times a negative, so I'm really just repeating
myself for no reason); 3) a negative times a negative is always a positive; 4)
any number times negative one (-1) switches signs but stays the same. (It is
assumed that you know that a the product of the multiplication of two positive
numbers is always positive.) To illustrate cases one and two: "3 X -4 = -12"
and "-3 X 4 = -12". That's not too hard, now is it? Don't answer that. Case
three, however, is very important. Remember that when multiplying, negative
signs cancel, and you will never go wrong. For example: "-5 X -6 = 30" and
"-10 X -2 = -20". Case four is also very important, though it is really
just putting the other three cases into a specific situation. If you multiply
a positive number by negative one you get the "negative version" of that number
(put a negative sign in front of it): "5 X -1 = -5" or "-1 X 5 = -5".
However, if you multiply a negative number by negative one, you get the
"positive version" of that number: "-3 X -1 = 3". Now you should see what I
mean by saying that the signs switch. Multiplication is a little harder than
anything else we have covered. Division is the next operation. If you
understand how to multiply, division will be very easy for you. If you don't,
well, too bad, because it's what I'm covering next, anyway.
Division is the last of the operations we need to discuss. Just as
subtraction is the opposite of addition, division is the opposite of
multiplication. Normally, the division symbol is something like this: o
---
o
but there is no key for that on my keyboard, so I am going to use the "/"
symbol instead, because it also means division. So now on to actually
dividing! Isn't this fun? If you want to know how many threes there are in
nine, use "9 / 3 = _". The answer to this problem is 3. You can check this
by multiplying: "3 X 3 = 9". You have determined the correct answer. If you
have 3 boxes of grapefruits and you know that there are 45 grapefruits in all,
how many grapefruits are there per box (assuming, of course, that the
grapefruits are evenly distributed...lacking this assumption, the correct
answer is "not enough information")? You should divide forty-five by three:
"45 / 3 = 15". There are fifteen grapefruits per box. Division is not
commutative: "9 / 3 <> 3 / 9". (<> means "is not equal to" because the
"greater than" and "less than" symbols are used. If a number is greater than
or less than another number, it does not equal that number.) Division by
negative numbers is easy. You just need to know: 1) if a negative number is
divided by a positive number, the result is negative; 2) if a positive number
is divided by a negative number, the result is negative; and 3) if a negative
number is divided by a negative number, the result is positive. (It is
assumed that you know that a positive number divided by a positive number
results in a positive number.) Examples for cases 1 and 2 are:
"-10 / 5 = -2" and "10 / -5 = -2". An example for case 3 (which is very
important) is: "-4 / -2 = 2". Yet again, the negative signs cancel each
other out. Division is easy, it just takes some practice.
Do you think you understand better now? I hope so. Just remember the order
of operations: 1) go from left to right in an equation; 2) do all
multiplication and/or division problems before doing addition or subtraction
problems. Now, all you need to do is practice. If you choose to take the
quiz, give yourself five points for each problem you get right. Subtract 9
points from your score for each problem you get wrong, in class UIL Number
Sense scoring fashion. Information on how to order the answers to the quiz
can be found immediately following the quiz. Good luck in school, and enjoy
the challenge of math!
NEXT LESSON: FRACTIONS...BE AFRAID...BE VERY AFRAID...
______________________________________________________________________________
PRACTICE PROBLEMS
-----------------
Addition
--------
1) 2 + 5 = __ 2) 3 + 7 = __ 3) 6 + 9 = __ 4) 7 + 6 = __ 5) 5 + 3 = __
6) -2 + 5 = __ 7) -1 + -4 = __ 8) -6 + -9 = __
Addition Bonus
--------------
10 + 11 + 3 + -3 = __
______________________________________________________________________________
Subtraction
-----------
1) 4 - 3 = __ 2) 7 - 5 = __ 3) 7 - 2 = __ 4) 6 - 4 = __ 5) 12 - 1 = __
6) -4 - 3 = __ 7) 7 - -5 = __ 8) -7 - 2 = __ 9) -6 - -4 = __
Subtraction Bonus
-----------------
11 - 8 - 2 - -3 = __
______________________________________________________________________________
Multiplication
--------------
1) 2 X 2 = __ 2) 3 X 5 = __ 3) 5 X 1 = __ 4) 6 X 2 = __ 5) 3 X 4 = __
6) 2 X -2 = __ 7) -3 X -5 = __ 8) 5 X -1 = __
Multiplication Bonus
--------------------
3 X 4 X 2 X -1 X -2 = __
______________________________________________________________________________
Division
--------
1) 9 / 3 = __ 2) 4 / 2 = __ 3) 7 / 1 = __ 4) 6 / 2 = __ 5) 10 / 2 = __
6) 9 / -3 = __ 7) -4 / 2 = __ 8) -6 / -2 = __
Division Bonus
--------------
12 / 2 / 3 / -1 = __
______________________________________________________________________________
DO NOT LOOK AT THE ANSWERS UNTIL YOU HAVE COMPLETED THE PROBLEMS
______________________________________________________________________________
Addition Answers
----------------
1) 7 2) 10 3) 15 4) 13 5) 8 BONUS -=- 21
6) 3 7) -5 8) -15
______________________________________________________________________________
Subtraction Answers
-------------------
1) 1 2) 2 3) 5 4) 2 5) 11 BONUS -=- 4
6) -7 7) 12 8) -9 9) -2
______________________________________________________________________________
Multiplication Answers
----------------------
1) 4 2) 15 3) 5 4) 12 5) 12 BONUS -=- -48
6) -4 7) 15 8) -5
______________________________________________________________________________
Division Answers
----------------
1) 3 2) 2 3) 7 4) 3 5) 5 BONUS -=- -2
6) -3 7) -2 8) 3
______________________________________________________________________________
/-----------------\
|* Q * U * I * Z *|
\-----------------/
1) 1 + 3 - 2 = __ 2) 4 X 5 / 2 = __ 3) 1 + 1 + 3 - 2 = __ 4) 5 X 6 = __
5) 2 + 3 - 4 + 1 = __ 6) 10 + 1 - 2 X 2 - 15 = __ 7) 4 + 5 + 3 - 2 = __
8) 1 + 3 X 2 = __ 9) 1 + 1 + 6 - 5 + 2 = __ 10) 6 X 2 - -3 = __
11) 1 - 3 + 8 + -2 X 3 = __ 12) 5 X 4 / -2 + 5 = __ 13) 5 - 6 / 3 X 4 = __
______________________________________________________________________________
For answers to the quiz send a self-addressed stamped envelope along with five
American dollars to GwD Inc. at the address below.
______________________________________________________________________________
--- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- --- -- - -- ---
Issue#149 of "GwD: The American Dream with a Twist -- of Lime" ISSN 1523-1585
copyright (c) MMV Aardv@rk/GwD Publications /---------------\
copyright (c) MMV GwD, Inc. All rights reserved :HUMANITY SUCKS.:
a production of The GREENY world DOMINATION Task Force, Inc. : GwD :
Postal: GwD, Inc. - P.O. Box 16038 - Lubbock, Texas 79490 \---------------/
FYM -+- http://www.GREENY.org/ - editor@GREENY.org - submit@GREENY.org -+- FYM
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD
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G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents: "Welcome to School 101"
by Lobo
This is your instructional course for all levels about that often touchy
subject, school.
school (skool), n. 1. a place or institution for teaching and learning...
(Taken from Webster's New World Dictionary of the American Language Copyright
(c) 1968 by The World Publishing Company)
So. That's what ol' Webster has to say about school. What he neglects to
mention is how much much teaching and learning is carried out.
Some teachers are great, of course. But what about those that aren't?
My Microcomputer Applications teacher knows less about computers than I do,
and I still use a Commodore 64. Pretty sad, if you ask me. One day, I
pointed out that an answer on some worksheet couldn't be what the real
answer was. She asked me how I knew, and I said that we had learned it in
the previous year's course, Computer Literacy. She didn't know if I was
right or not, and she had to look it up. Sure enough, I was correct. That
wasn't an isolated incident, either. She's teaching me, and I know more
about the subject matter of what she's teaching than she does. Seems kind of
silly, right?
Well, teachers aside (since most of them are actually okay) school
focuses more on athletics than on academics. When my school made it to the
city championships in football, there were signs all over school saying
stupid things like "We Want City". We got out of seventh period the day of
the game for a pep rally. I was just tingling with school spirit. Feh.
When our UIL Math and Science team went to the state competition
(see GwD07.txt) we only got mentioned once. After the competition was held,
one day in the announcements, the people who placed were recognized.
The football team didn't even win (they tied) and everyone was ecstatic.
All of the players were walking around with big, dumb smiles on their faces
(is that really unusual? heh.) and the cheerleaders were even peppier than
ever. Well, what happened at the game (yes I went, but not to watch it) was
even stranger than the scenes at school the following days.
At the game, a friend of mine (and a new droog, namely Mr. Q) was
dressed as a droog from the great film, A Clockwork Orange. Don't ask me why.
Well, he had his cane, and we were walking around when the pricipal happened
by. He asked Mr. Q why he had the cane there. Mr. Q didn't reply, so the
principal proposed that he would keep it until after the game. Okay, we
thought. After the game, he went to retrieve his cane, and the principal
said, "I need to talk to you for a minute." I later found out that the
principal had found the sword contained in the cane. Mr. Q was told that he
would have to come to the office the next day, and that his parents would be
called. He told the principal that he had just found the sword that day at
lunch, for he had had the can at school as well. The next day at school, he
went to the principal's office, and did not have to call his parents.
However, the pricipal had thrown the cane away. So, Mr. Q didn't get into
any trouble, but he lost the $25 he had put into buying the cane. I could
possibly see taking it away if he had the sword drawn, but he didn't. I could
definitely see taking it away if he was beating someone with it, but he
wasn't. If it was such a big deal, why didn't anybody say a word that day at
school? Another case that has been brought to my attention is one that
happened to one of our own, S00per Sperm, in STM's computer class(S00per Sperm
is in his computer class, with the very same teacher I correct so often..)
well they were given the assignment to make a letterhead for a buisness that
they were to make up. SS's buisness was a sperm bank, well our Computer
teacher didn't quite care for this buisnes so she sent him to the office
where he was almost suspended by the Vice Principal, but the Principal came
in and told SS that as long as he did not bring this up again, he would not be
suspended..well well well, Our little skool covering it's ass...
This leads me to my next point: School (and all activities governed by
its rules, i.e. football games) is fascist. Let's see what Mr. Webster has to
say about fascism:fascicm (fash iz'm) n. 1. the doctrines, methods, or
movement of the Fascisti (the Italian political party founded by Mussolini).
2. a system of government characterized by dictatorship, belligerent
nationalism and racism, glorification of war, etc.(same dictionary as above,
same copyrights and all that jazz.) Let's see...dicatatorship. The
teacher is the dictator of the classroom (which I'm not saying is bad),
the principal is the dictator of the school (which is sometimes okay), and
the superintendent is the dictator of the school district (which really sucks,
especially here with Big Mike, which is my little name for Dr. Mike Moses
(who is incerdibly plump)). Sounds like a nice little fascist hierarchy to
me. Belligerent nationalism...school spirit is definitely nationalism, and
it's pretty darn belligerent where I go to school. Racism...there isn't too
much of that. But the school district has come up with this idea of making
one school a minority only magnet school, which sounds to me like segragation,
and segragation is a form of racism. Glorification of war...football games
or about any other sport. The players are out there to kill for their school,
and the school administration tells them it's right. What else is a high
school football game but a battle in the neverending war between two rival
schools? School is fascist. Sieg Heil Mike Moses.
Of course, this isn't only about how silly school is. It's also about
the use of school. Here's what our first droog, GenAerik (up until recently,
Aerik Aeriksson) has to say about the point of school (this is copied from a
post of his on Chaos, for those of you who care):
"I have nothing to do tomorrow but go to school.
Hs might as well be nothing. The only class I
have that teaches me something remotely new or
interesting is comp.math, and the teacher is a
fucking bitch. Even Chem is a fucking rehash of
the same shit I learned in Phys.Sci waaaaaaaaaaaaay
back in 9th grade. I wake up in the morning and ask
myself, 'what the fuck is the goddamned point?'
Well, friends, Romans, countrymen and assholes, the
point is to graduate HS so I can get a diploma so I
can go to some college where I won't be just another
brick in some fucking wall so I can get some fucking
degree in some field that I don't even know which one
I'm going to do so I can get some fucking dead-end job
in some fucking shitty company 'cause nobody hires
these days unless you've got a whole fucking alphabet
worth of letters after some fucking title that doesn't
mean jack shit in the real fucking world. Thanks a
fucking lot for preparing me for the real world, Mike
Moses, and all you other fuckers who thought you could
make a difference in my life by telling me that I should
always respect authority, keep my mouth shut, and never
make any suggestions even if they could radically change
and reform something for the better 'cause my elders are
always right and they are omnipotent, omniscient, and
omnimax. Fuck off all of you assholes who run this
fucking place, and pass me that 5/6 wrench and that
cheerleader's ass. Gads, I just broke a lot of spacebars,
because nobody these days cares about some long fucking
stupid, pointless, useless tirade by a nameless teenager.
Nobody has enough time these days to care... Fuck you and
your entire lineage. If you did, fucking congratulations,
you actually give a damn."
So, if you spaced through that when it was posted, or missed it the first time
around, it is now forever recorded in this text file. GenAerik doesn't even
want co-writer's credit. Whee. Anyway, I'm sure Lubbock isn't the only
"city" with a fascist, pointless school district. A lot of you are probably
thinking "Damn, that sounds like my school district." I hope, for your sake
that you're wrong. Well, on that pleasant note, I'd like to say bye bye.
-Lobo
"We don't need no education. We don't need no thought control. No thoughts
are chasms in the classroom. Teacher leave them kids alone. Hey! Teacher!
Leave them kids alone! All in all, it's just another brick in the wall.
All in all, you're just another brick in the wall."
-Another Brick In The Wall part 2, by Pink Floyd.
GwD Task Force Members:
Top Worshipper Type of Guy- Lobo
Top Dog Type of Guy- Seth the Man
Top Organizer Type of Guy- Ratt Fink
Worshipper Type of Guy- Diamondback
Dog Type of Guy- TransDerm-Nitro
Organizer Type of Guy- The Lizard King
Droogs-
Ailanthus
Alkaloid
Aracnia
Big Red Fed
Bill Hooper
Bruno
Elixir
GenAerik(1st Droog)
Hallucination
Juan Valdez
Kilroy
Legolas
Leif After Deth
Longshot
Magnum
Malachi
Mr. Q
Rory
Scout
Sir Flea
Siva
Snotty
Spanky McDougal, Sir!
S00per Sperm
Wiz Kid
Zelia Winter
Zippy
GwD Command Centers-Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth the Man (Birthplace of GwD, Mission Control)
Gridpoint (806)763-4801
SysOp-Transderm-Nitro (First Conquest)
Federation Slayers' (806)799-1184
SysOp-Big Red Fed
Starchy White Boy BBS (806)788-1943
SysOp-Zippy (it's down, call if you don't believe me, err no wait it's back up)
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779
SysOp-Diamondback( call today and be way-rad)
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948
SysOp-Longshot
copyright (c),1993 by Lobo (except as otherwise noted)
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c),1993 by Lobo
All rights reserved to The Wearer of The Shiny Green Suit
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G R E E N Y world D O M I N A T I O N
Task Force
Presents:
Quotes: Volume III
by: Aracnia
(Revised by STM)
Wow, I am bored and I thought I would write a GwD text file,
since GREENY is my best friend(I am so privelged.)But I doubt
any of y'all will see this since Seth and Lobo prolly think
that this is stupid because I am writing yet another Quotes
file...Besides, Quotes are all I can think of at the moment.
"Make it soft on the inside, so it shines on the outside."
-A stupid shampoo commercial
"I never prank called you, except that modem misdial, but that
can't be counted as harassment!"
-Ailanthus(Ben Perry)
"Pick up the phone! I can hear you breathing!" (Unknown
Source, saw in a post on a board)
-Ailanthus(Ben Perry)
"You are a fag!"
-Wiz Kid(Cody McCurdy)
"I'll kick your ass!"
-GREENY[Majestic](Jacob Allen)
"BaRF's sister can perpetually suck my raging cock"
-Ratt Fink(Chris Myles)
"Oh my God! I can't believe I got suckered into dancing to
'Feliz Navidad'!
-Aracnia(Kelly Martinez)
"damn. I am bitter."
-Diamondback(Matt Hubbard)
"Sometimes I just lose control and start jacking off!"
-Gray Lightning(Big Fag)
"Sometimes I get that 'Not-so-Fresh' feeling."
-Some stupid feminine commercial
"No, I can't wait forever. I can't wait! I can't wait!"
-B-52's(GREENY's fav. group)
"Let me call you right back." (You call right back 3 mos.
later?)
-Bad Boyz(Ethan Nicholson)
"Cheaper than dirt"
-Gene Messer Ford
"We're sorry, the number you have reached has been
disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have
reached this recording in error, please hang up and dial the
number again, if you need help dial your operator."
-Operator
"It's like Butta."
-Linda Richmon(Mike Myers)
"When I think about you, I touch myself."
-Divinyls(Some really gross lady)
"I was a straight A, validictorian, ya know blatant serial
killer type when I was in school.
-'Weird' Al Yankovick(GREENY's
other fav. singer)
"Not everyone can."
-My Mother
"Neeeeeeeyah!"
-Aracnia(Kelly Martinez)
"I count them...1, 2, 3...Three Bats!"
-The Count(Sesame Street)
"Please don't hurt me GREENY, I'll never do it again, honest!"
-Leif After Deth(Oscar Marrero)
"Fuck you!"
-Snotty(Sandra Anuras)
"Aerik is over here splooging on my keyboard."
-Seth The Man(Seth Thornberry)
"Mekalekahimekahineyho!"
-Aracnia(Kelly Martinez)
"Oh go bite me holey!"
-Aracnia(Kelly Martinez)
"I'm not trying to give you the cold shoulder."
-Scout(Kris Wiley)
"I am your spirit. I am the only life you can relize. I am the
house of your spirit in the land which is nowhere, the land which
is your only remaining home. Without me the intelligible universe
reverts to chaos. Creative and abysmal are inextricably linked in
me; only I can mediate between them. Without me mankind will sink
into the mire and vanity of *knowing*. Through me, you and they will
find the only way out of chaos: *Understand by living*.
-Harq Al Ada(Leto II Atreides)
(STM)
"I can find a lover, I can find friend, I can have security until the
bitter ends, anyone can comfort me with promises again. I know, I know.
So when I'm deep inside of me don't be too concerned, I won't ask for
nothing while I'm gone, but when I ask for sincerity, tell me where else
can I turn? Cause you're the one that I depend upon"
-Honesty(written and performed by Billy Joel)
(STM)
"And he likes to be known as the Angry Young Man...He's been stabbed in the
back, and misunderstood...He can't understand why his heart always breaks"
-Angry Young Man(w&p by Billy Joel)
(StM)
GwD Task Force Members:
Top Top Top Top Type of Guy- GREENY
Top Worshipper Type of Guy- Lobo
Top Dog Type of Guy- Seth the Man
Top Organizer Type of Guy- Ratt Fink
Worshipper Type of Guy- Diamondback
Dog Type of Guy- TransDerm-Nitro
Organizer Type of Guy- The Lizard King
Droogs-
Ailanthus
Alkaloid
Aracnia
Big Red Fed
Bill Hooper
Bruno
Elixir
GenAerik
Hallucination
Juan Valdez
Kilroy
Legolas
Leif After Deth
Longshot
Magnum
Malachi
Mr. Q
Rory
Scout
Sir Flea
Siva
Snotty
Spanky McDougal, Sir!
Sooper Sperm
Wiz Kid
Zelia Winter
Zippy
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth the Man (Birthplace of GwD, Mission Control)
Gridpoint (806)763-4801
SysOp-Transderm-Nitro (First Conquest)
Federation Slayers' (806)799-1184
SysOp-Big Red Fed (WHoo! Dead Board!)
Starchy White Boy BBS (806)788-1943
SysOp-Zippy (it's back up! YaY!!!!)
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779
SysOp-Diamondback (Greatest Sysop in 'da world call today)
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948
SysOp-Longshot (ooh so elyte!)
copyright (c),1993 by Aracnia (except as otherwise noted)
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c),1993 by Lobo
All rights reserved to The Wearer of The Shiny Green Suit
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G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"Rage Against the Machine"
All songs by Rage Against the Machine and all lyrics by Zack de la Rocha.
All lyrics copyright (c) 1992 by Retribution Music (BMI) All rights reserved.
BOMBTRACK
It's just another bombtrack
And suckas be thinkin' that they can fake this
But I'm gonna drop it at a higher level
'Cause I'm inclined to stoop down
Hand out some beat downs
Cold runna train on punk ho's that
Think they run the game
But I learned to burn that bridge and delete
Those who compete at a level that's obsolete
Instead I warm my hands on the flames of the flag
As I recall our downfall
And the business' that burned us all
See through the news and views that twist reality
Enough
I call the bluff
Manifest Destiny
Landlords and power whores
On my people they took turns
Dispute the suits I ignite
And then watch 'em burn
The thoughts of a militant mind
Hardline, hardline after hardline
Landlords and power whores
On my people they took turns
Dispute the suits I ignite
And then watch 'em burn
Chorus:
Burn, burn, yes ya gonna burn
Burn, burn, yes ya gonna burn
Burn, burn, yes ya gonna burn
Burn, burn, yes ya gonna burn
Another funky radical bombtrack
Started as a sketch in my notebook
But now dope hooks make punks take another look
My thoughts ya hear and ya begin to fear
That ya card will get pulled if ya interfere
With the thoughts of a militant mind
Hardline, hardline after hardline
Landlords and power whores on my people they took turns
Dispute the suits I ignite
And then watch 'em burn
Chorus
KILLING IN THE NAME
TAKE THE POWER BACK
In the right light, study becomes insight
But the system that dissed us teaches us to read and write
So-called facts are fraud
They want us to alledge and pledge
And bow down to their God
Lost the sulture, the culture lost
Spun our minds and through time
Ignorance has taken over
We gotta take the power back
Bam, here's the plan
Mother fuck Uncle Sam
Step back, I know who I am
Raise up your ear, I'll drop the style and clear
It's the beats and lyrics they fear
The rage is relentless
We need a movement with a quickness
You are the witness of change
And to counteract
We gotta take the power back
Chorus:
We gotta take the power back
We gotta take the power back
The present curriculum
I put my fist in 'em
Eurocentric every last one of 'em
See right through the red, white and blue disguise
With lecture, I puncture the structure of lies
Installed in our minds and attempting to hold us back
We've got to take it back
'Cause holes in our spirit are causin' tears and fears
One-sided stories for years and years and years
I'm inferior? Who's inferior?
Yea, we need to check the interior
Of the system who cares about only one culture
And that is why
We gotta take the power back
Chorus
The teacher stands in front of the class
But the lesson plan he can't recall
The student's eyes don't perceive the lies
Bouncing off every fucking wall
His composure is well kept
I guess he fears playing the fool
The complacent students sit and listen to the
Bullshit that he learned in school
Europe ain't my rope to swing on
Can't learn a thing form it
Yet we hand from it
Gotta get it, gotta get it together then
Like the mother fuckin' weathermen
To expose and close the doors on those who try
To strangle and mangle the truth
'Cause the circle of hatred continues unless we react
We gotta take the power back
Chorus
No more lies
SETTLE FOR NOTHING
A jail cell is freedom from the pain in my home
Hatred passed on, passed on and passed on
A world of violent rage
But it's one that I can recognize
Having never seen the color of my father's eyes
Yes, I swell in hell but it's a hell that I can grip
I tried to grip my family
But I slipped
To escape from the pain and an existence mundane
I gotta 9, a sign, a set and now I gotta name
Read my writing on the wall
No one's here to catch me when I fall
But death is on my side
Suicide
A jail cell is fredom from the pain in my home
Hatred passed on, passed on and passed on
A world of violent rage
But it's one that I can recognize
Having never seen the color of my father's eyes
Yes I dwell in hell but it's a hell that I can grip
I tried to grip my family
But I slipped
To escape from the pain and an existence mundane
I gotta 9, a sign, and a set and now I gotta name
Read my writing on the wall
No one's here to catch me when I fall
Caught between my culture and the system
Genocide
Read my writing on the wall
No one here to catch me whwn I fall
If ignorance is bliss
Then knock the smile off my face
If we don't take action now
We settle fro nothing later
We'll settle for nothing now
And we'll settle for nothing later
BULLET IN THE HEAD
This time the bullet cold rocked ya
A yellow ribbon instead of a swastika
Nothin' proper about propaganda
Fools follow rules when the set commands ya
They said it was blue
When the blood was red
That's how you got a bullet blasted through ya head
Blasted through ya head
Blasted through ya head
I give a shout out to the living dead
Who stood and watched as the feds cold centralized
So serene on the screen
You was mesmerized
Cellular phone soundin' a death tone
Corporations cold
Turn ya to stone before ya realize
They load the clip in omnicolor
They pack the 9, they fire it at prime time
Sleeping gas, every home was like Alcatraz
And mutha fuckas lost their minds
Just victims of the in-house drive-by
They say jump, you say how high
They load the clip in omnicolor
They pack the 9, they fire it at prime time
Sleeping gas, every home like Alacatraz
And mutha fuckas lost theri minds
No escape from the mass mind rape
Play it again jack and then rewind the tape
Play it again and again and again
Until ya mind is locked in
Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya
Buying all the products that they're selling ya
They say jump
Ya say how high
Ya brain dead
Ya gotta fuckin' bullet in ya head
Just victims of the in-house drive-by
They say jump, you say how high
Ya standin' in line
Believin' the lies
Ya bowin' to the flag
Ya gotta bullet in ya head
KNOW YOUR ENEMY
Born with insight and a raised fist
A witness to the slit wrist
As we move into '92
Still is a room without a view
Ya got to know
Ya got to know
That when I say go, go, go
Amp up and amplify
Defy
I'm a brother with a furious mind
Action must be taken
We don't need the key
We'll break in
Something must be done
About vengeance, a badge and a gun
'Cause I'll rip the mike, rip the stage, rip the system
I was born to rage against 'em
Fist in ya face, in the place
And I'll drop the style clearly
Know your enemy
Word is born
Fight the war, fuck the norm
Now I got no patience
So sick of complacence
With the D E F I A N C E
The mind of a revolutionary
So clear the lane
The finger to the land of chains
What? The land of the free?
Whoever told you that is your enemy
Something must be done
About vengeance, a badge and a gun
'Cause I'll rip the mike, rip the stage, rip the system
I was born to rage against 'em
Now action must be taken
We don't need the key, we'll break in
I've got no patience now
So sick of complacence now
I've got no patience now
So sick of complacence now
Sick of sick of sick of sick of sick of you
Time has come to pay
Yes I know my enemies
They're the teachers who taught me to fight me
Compromise, conformity, assimilation, submission
Ignorance, hypocrisy, brutality, the elite
All of which are American dreams
WAKE UP
Although ya try to discredit
Ya still never edit
The needle, I'll thread it
Radically poetic
Standin' with the fury that they had in '66
And like E-Double, I'm mad
And still knee-deep in the system's shit
Hoover, he was a body remover
I'll give ya a dose
But it'll never come close
To the rage built up inside of me
Fist in the air, in the land of hypocrisy
Movements come and movements go
Leaders speak, movements cease
When their heads are flown
'Cause all the punks
Got bullets in their heads
Departments of police, the judges, the feds
Networks at work, keepin' people calm
You know they went after King
When he spoke out on Vietnam
He turned the power to the have-nots
And then came the shot
Wit' poetry, my mind I flex
Flip like Wilson, vocals never lackin' that finesse
Whadda I have to do to wake ya up
To shake ya up, to break the structure up
'Cause this blood still flows in the gutter
I'm like takin' photos
Mad boy kicks open the shutter
Set the groove
Then I stick and move like I was Cassius
Rep the stutter step
Then bomb a left upon the fascists
Yea, the several federal men
Who pulled schemes on the dream
And put it to an end
Ya betta beware
Of retribution with mind war
20/20 visions and murals with metaphors
The networks at work, keepin' people calm
Ya know they murdered X
And tried to blame it on Islam
He turned the power to the have-nots
And then came the shot
What was the price on his head
FISTFUL OF STEEL
Silence
Something about silence makes me sick
'Cause silence can be violent
Sorta like a slit wrist
If the vibe was suicide
Then you would push da button
But if ya bowin' down
Then let me do the cuttin'
Some speak the sounds
But speak in silent voices
Like radio is silent
Though it fills the air with noises
Its transmissions bring submission
As ya mold to the unreal
Mad boy grips the microphone
Wit' a fistful of steel
Chorus:
Fistful of steel
Fistful of steel
Fistful of steel
Fistful of steel
Yes, it's time to flow like the fluid in ya veins
If ya will it, I will spill it
And ya out just as quick as ya came
Not a silent one
But a defiant one
Never a normal one
'Cause I'm the bastard son
With the visions of the move
Vocals not to soothe
But to ignite and put in flight
My sense of militance
Groovin', playin' this game called survival
Status the elite, the enemy, the rival
The silent sheep slippin', riffin', trippin'
Give ya a glimpse of the reality I'm grippin'
Steppin' into the jam and I'm slammin' like Shaquille
Mad boy grips the microphone
Wit' a fistful of steel
Chorus
A 44 full of bullets
Face full of pale
Eyes full of empty
A stare full of nails
The roulette ball rolls alone on the wheel
A mind full of fire
And a fistful of steel
If the vibe was suicide
Then you would push da button
But if ya bowin' down
Then let me do the cuttin'
TOWNSHIP REBELLION
Rebel, rebel and yell
'Cause our people still dwell in hell
Locked in a cell
Yes, the structure's a cell
Mad is the story I tell
How long can we wait
Come on, seein' what's at stake
Action for reaction
If your mind's in a somewhat complacent state
Get a check-up
This is a stick-up
Our freedom or your life
I wish I could be peaceful
But there can be no sequel
Chorus:
Now freedom must be fundamental
In Johannesburg or South Central
On the mic, 'cause someone should tell 'em
To kick in the township rebellion
Yea, so you thought you could get with the hardlines
That fill your mind
The thoughts, battles fought
And lessons taught
And I'll display the fitness
And flip like a gymnast
Raise my fist and resist
Asleep though we stand in the midst
Of the war
Gotta get mine
Gotta get more
Keepin' the mic warm against the norm
'Cause what does it offer me
I think often it's nothin' but a coffin
Gotta get wreck
'Til our necks never swing on a rope
From here to the cape of no hope
Chorus
Why stand
On a silent platform
Fight the war
Fuck the norm
FREEDOM
Solo, I'm a soloist on a solo list
All live, never on a floppy disk
Inka, inka, bottle of ink
Paintings of rebellion
Drawn up by the thoughts I think
It's set up like a deck of cards
They're sending us to early graves
For all the diamonds
They'll use a pair of clubs to beat the spades
With poetry I paint the pictures that hit
More like the murals that fit
Don't turn away
Get in front of it
Chorus:
Brotha did ya forget ya name
Did ya lose it on the wall
Playin' tic-tac-toe
Yo, check the diagonal
Three brothers gone
Come on
Doesn't that make it three in a row
Anger is a gift
Chorus
Yo, check the diagonal
Three million gone
Come on
'Cause ya know they're counting backwards to zero
Environment
The environment exceding on the level
Of our unconscious
For example
What does the billboard say
Come and play, come and play
Forget about the movement
Anger is a gift
Freedom, freedom, yea right
-Transcribed by Lobo, 1/14/94
I think you should all buy Rage Against the Machine's album. The album is
available on cassettes and CD's from Epic records, a division of Sony Music.
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth The Man (Birthplace of GwD, Mission Control)
GridPoint (XXX)XXX-XXXX
SysOp-TransDerm-Nitro (First Conquest, don't know new number)
Fderation Slayers' (806)799-1184
SysOp-Big Red Fed
The Starchy White Boy BBS (806)788-1943
SysOp-Zippy
Light My Fire (806)795-4926
SysOp-Ailanthus
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779
SysOp-Diamondback
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948
SysOp-Longshot
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259
SysOp-Brazen (Eastern Outpost)
copyright (c) 1994 by Lobo (except as otherwise noted)
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo
All rights reserved to the most envious guy I know (envy=green)
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G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"Why Drugs Should Be Legalized"
by Lobo
This is a paper that I had to write for English about a problem that faces our
society and why and how a solution should be implemented.
As an American citizen, I strongly feel that drugs are an important issue
that we face as a nation. Their legalization would alleviate most of this
problem. I think that the legalizing of drugs would definitely benefit most of
American society. There are many reasons supporting this idea, and many
limitations would have to be put on drugs if they were legalized. The reasons
why this should be done, how we should go about it, and how it will benefit most
of society often overlap.
There are many arguments for the legalization of drugs. The government
would spend less money on the so-called "War On Drugs" if drugs were legalized,
because their legalization would put drug dealers out of business. Prison
overcrowding would be lessened by releasing the rghly five percent of all
prisoners who are non-violent drug offenders, thus making room for those guilty
of more serious crimes to serve out higher percentages of their sentences. The
economy of an area would become better if drugs were legalized, if those living
there raised fields of hemp and other drug-related plants to export. Jobs would
be created for people to harvest natural drugs from government sanctioned farms.
There are many reasons why drugs should be legalized, but if they were legal,
the government would have to follow many steps to insure their safe use.
Legalizing drugs would help many of our nation's problems, if the government
were to follow certain procedures. The government would have to license only
certain businesses to sell drugs. It would only be legal to buy a certain
amount of each drug each month and the government would sell diluted amounts of
drugs, to lessen the chance of overdosing. Public intoxication and driving
while intoxicated would of course be illegal. Stiff penalties would accompany
these crimes if the perpetrator was caught. First time offenders would have an
automatic prison term of one year. Strictness of sentences would increase, and
after five offenses the penalty would be death. The government would have to
crackdown on those who violate their rights to private drug use, by monitoring
public buildings looking for those under the influence of drugs, and watching
drivers more carefully. Those committing other crimes while intoxicated would
receive automatic public intoxication penalties plus the sentence for whatever
crime they committed. The government would have to carefully monitor drugs if
they were legalized. Legalization of drugs would benefit American society as a
whole.
The majority of American society would be benefitted by the legalization of
all illegal drugs. Prisons would have more room for violent inmates. The
government could heavily tax the sale of drugs, and generate revenue to monitor
them. American farmers would have more crops to grow, and since about one-fifth
of farmers will be out of business by the year 2000, this would help. Drug
farms would help to stimulate local and state economies. Farms would generate
jobs, which would help the problem of unemployment. Anyone could enjoy
themselves in the privacy of their own home because of the incentive not to use
drugs in public. Drug users would be assured of the quality of drugs, so they
would buy from government-licensed stores instead of neighborhood dealers. The
streets would be safer because rival drug dealers would not try to keep each
other from making deals because the government would have put them both out of
business. Drug legalization would benefit American society as a whole in many
ways.
The legalization of drugs would benefit our country in many ways. Though it
would cost money to monitor drugs, the revenues generated buy selling them would
go toward monitoring them. Drug dealers would no longer be in business because
people would go to stores to get their drugs. Prisons would be less crowded.
Very few people would drive while intoxicated or be under the influence of drugs
in public because of the stiff penalties for doing so. The legalization of
drugs would help the economy and generate jobs for the unemployed. If drugs
were legalized and the government controlled their sale, American society would
receive many benefits.
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth The Man (Birthplace of GwD, Mission Control)
GridPoint (XXX)XXX-XXXX
SysOp-TransDerm-Nitro (First Conquest, don't know new number)
Federation Slayers' (806)799-1184
SysOp-Big Red Fed
The Starchy White Boy BBS (806)###-####
SysOp-Zippy (Zippy is moving to Dallas: soon to have new number & SysOp)
Light My Fire (806)795-4926
SysOp-Ailanthus
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779
SysOp-Diamonback
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948
SysOp-Longshot
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259
SysOp-Brazen (Eastern Outpost)
copyright (c)1994 by Lobo
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo
All rights reserved to the guy in the green shirt
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G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"Droogan Poetry"
compiled by Lobo
This is a compilation of a few poems by some of your friendly
neighborhood droogs.
"Death to You"
I took my big ol' gun,
And shot you just for fun.
I shot you in the head,
And made sure you were dead.
I wiped the slobber off your chin,
And put you in the oven, wrapped in tin.
I ate your fingers one by one,
And ate your arm, when I was done.
Now you are dead, and I am glad.
That's the most fun I've ever had!
Oh, my dear sweet Amity,
How could you ever leave me?
I guess I killed you in panic,
For I am schizophrenic.
-Snotty
"Most Blessed Night"
Alone in the Darkness,
Without a soul to seed
Would gladly kill another
To fill his burning need.
As the moon sets, I realize my chance will come
Nothing can last forever,
Yet I am crushed beneath the thumb.
It matters not now
For, now I must go.
Farewell, most blessed night,
I do love thee so.
-Sir Flea
"ARGH!"
Gosh, it's dark in here. It sure is quiet, too.
My foot is very cold, because I am missing a shoe.
I wish people would talk to me, I do not think they try.
Sometimes I cry out, and hear no sound, why?
Life is really boring here, I really hate the silence.
They'd better learn to reach me soon, or I'll resort to violence.
The outside lights do not get through to me, I'm really feeling bad.
I really don't know of sight or sound, the other senses are all I've ever had.
What I eat smells mighty good, I wish that I could see it.
I had a teacher long ago, but she quit; she didn't want to be it.
Life is feeling really odd, I don't know what to think.
I haven't had much to eat of late, and my clothes have begun to stink.
I often feel for my ears and eyed, to see if I still have 'em.
I almost died yesterday when I choked on a piece of gum.
Life is terrible here these days. I've started talking to myself, and now
refer to me as "we".
I have given up thinking of ways to get them to rescue me.
-Lobo
"A Kiss"
When, O when, shall thee be mine?
With hair, face, and body divine.
When, O when, shall I hold thee once more?
With heart, soul, and mind I implore.
When, O when, can I kiss thee again?
It is hard, that out of all Men
You would pick me, who in Bliss
Does not feel bold enough to ask for a kiss.
The first was a dream come true,
And be assured I'm always thinking of you.
When the sun sets and night lowers
Rest assured that ot even darkness smothers
My feelings for you, who give me hope.
If you ledt me, I would no longer cope
With the hardships of life.
With your loss, you might with a knife
Cut out my heart, to take with you.
The color of my world would fade from blue
To black, the color of death.
I would love thee with my dying breath.
-An Anonymous Droog
"The Devil Within Us"
A criminal am I in a demonic dream,
In a city where anarchy reigns supreme.
Where blood is a delicacy and death the norm,
A place where hatred is a perpetual storm.
A place where drugs are impossible to tame,
Where a "line of coke" terminates the brain.
Where the arm of the law watches in vain,
As another cop is dismembered in pain.
A city where I can kill and get away,
And feel no remorse as crime does pay.
A place where life has little or no meaning,
Where the weak and oppressed lie die and bleeding.
Then I awoke from this horrid illusion,
Here, peace is the final conclusion.
A government that has criminals in check,
Where Satan's evil is a wreck.
A society where Satan does not exist,
A place of perfect harmony and bliss.
Where if I kill I am put in jail,
And twenty thousand is the minimum bail.
Without society a human becomes a beast,
But with it the devil within us is at its least.
-Bill Hooper and Bog
As you can see, some of our droogies are quite talented. If only more
poems had been submitted..... But, there are always other files, eh?
-Lobo
P.S.- This is the last file (written by Lobo) that was written on a Commodore
64, using Speedscript 2.0 and Omega Q II, unless I feel like waxing nostalgic,
whatever the hell that means. I have moved on to better things (an IBM 486sx,
to be exact), but this file was started before I switched.
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth the Man (Birthplace of GwD, Mission Control)
GridPoint (XXX)XXX-XXXX
SysOp-Transderm-Nitro (First Conquest, don't know new number)
Federation Slayers' (806)799-1184
SysOp-Big Red Fed
The Starchy White Boy BBS (806)842-3270
SysOp-Fastjack
Light My Fire (806)795-4926
SysOp-Ailanthus
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779
SysOp-Diamondback
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948
SysOp-Longshot
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259
SysOp-Brazen
copyright (c) 1994 by Lobo (and others)
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo
All rights reserved to Leprechaun-Boy
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G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
_____ ____
// | \ / \
|| ____ | || | b d
|| || \ / | || >
\\___// \/\/ |____/ \__/
Presents:
Issue #1 of The Greeny world Domination Task Force Newletter!
"News! What's wiht' dat GREEN d00d?!?"
(By STM, Lobo, & several others who aren't cool
enough to be named by me. Although you might
be able to name them. I think I'll name
them, but without any vowels! They are: Zn,
Trjn-Mn, and that smelly guy I met in
the bathroom, what was he doing in my bathroom
anyway?)
The following are two totally unrelated quotes:
"It's not the size that matters, it's how you use it. I was talking
about a ware, dammit!"
- Seth The Man
"Seth is silly."
- Lobo
uhhhh, yeah....this here file is written by some people who
don't have any idea what we are talking about, not that it really matters
anyway. GwD sucks like seth. which is actually quite enjoyable.
In the begining, there was Chaos. Then there was GREENY. and he
soon started taking over the ENTIRE WORLD! He started with The Underground,
he had a k-kool password: SMARTONE. He posted ads in all caps everywhere
which gave his password, which everybody should NOT have known. The people
on Chaos were having a big discussion about how GREENY should be President.
Lobo suggested that he should become Emporor of the WORLD. That's how GwD
was founded. Since Lobo was on Seth The Man's board, Chaos, Seth decided
that he wanted a slice of the power. And thus the first two type of guys
came to be.
THAT WAS A REVIEW FOR ALL YOU LOSERS OUT THERE.
"we all suck, and we know you don't give a shit anyways."
- Zen
We have meetings every month, and YOU AREN'T INVITED! IN July, at
our first meeting, we watched the Hellraiser trilogy. WE had great fun, and
that was probably one of our best meetings. In August we had great fun in a
pseudo-picnic, that ended up with a bunch of strange people (us) ravaging
STM's neighbors. Lobo missed that one. In September we ate at an annoying
pizza place in town, looking for GREENY, but he wasn't there, so we found
Transderm-Nitro, and made him a type-of-guy just because he ordered beer and
wouldn't share it with S00per Sperm. That was also the night of the first GwD
3/y+3 meetin' and all around cat-stalkin-wowie-neat guys meeting. It was fun.
I would elaborate but I can't because they wouldn't exactly be considered
"good things" for a buncha teens and a 20-some-odd-year-old to be doing. In
Ocotober, we were supposed to meet at Seth's for a Halloween gathering. Only
Lobo showed up, however, because Seth had told everyone else that he was
grounded but failed to relay the message to Lobo. In November, we watched
Transformers: The Movie, but we just couldn't find G.I. Joe: The Movie or The
Smurfs and the Magic Flute. We were sad. (Note from Lobo: Cops get mad if
you stand out in the middle of the street and tell them to halt.) We blew the
December meeting off because we like to act like we have lives, dammit! In
January, we watched Fletch and Robin Hood: Men In Tights at DB's abode. We
also re-acquired Fastjack as a member (why we lost him is along story
involving lots of sex, lies, and violence, 3000 gallons of petroleum jelly,
and a horse named Ed.) We didn't have a meeting in February, basically not
because we have a life or anything, we won't use that excuse again, but
because STM listen'd to his "Billy Joel's Greatest Hits" and his PRiMUS tapes
way too many times. It wasn't very healthy for STM because we all know
depressing music and violent music just don't mix in a healthy way...As for
March, hopefully STM or Lobo or some other no-lifer out there will make one
soon...perhaps when Zen get's back..
Zippy becoming a member actually gave us two Command Centers. The
Starchy White Boy BBS (which Fastjack is now the SysOp of) and Brazen's Hell
(which is run by a good friend of Zippy's, and Zippy better tell him that he's
running a Command Center, else Lobo will thwack Zippy if/when he sees him this
summer). Thanks a lot, Zippy. He is moving to Fort Worth (hey, it's out of
THIS hell hole), and plans to put up a BBS there which will be a Command
Center. TransDerm-Nitro also moved to Oklahoma, where he'd better put up a
new incarnation of GridPoint, or else he will be thwacked.
Well gee, we also excommunicated a droog. His name was Little Man
Tate, well not really, but I almost made you think that's what his name was
didn't I? Anyway, he was always annoying, but we decided he might be worth
our time, so we made him a dr00g anyway. Unfortunately he fell to B0b
(The anti-GREENY) and kept being annoying so we excommunicated him. Oh yeah,
his real name was Big Man Joe. More on B0b later.
Well, that's most of what happened. Maybe we'll add some more to this
file, but I don't know, some dr00gs are here so I'm going to stop typing and
go scare the frogs.
Thank you.
Afterword:
Well I guess we didn't end up adding to much to this file, seeing as
it is over a month since we started this file...oh well, better late than
never 'eh? err, don't answer that..
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
GwD Task Force Members:
Top Worshipper Type of Guy- Lobo
Top Dog Type of Guy- Seth the Man
Top Organizer Type of Guy- Ratt Fink
Worshipper Type of Guy- Diamondback
Dog Type of Guy- TransDerm-Nitro
Organizer Type of Guy- The Lizard King
Droogs-
Ailanthus
Alkaloid
Aracnia
Beth Da Petereter
Beowulf
Big Red Fed
Bill Hooper
Bloody Mary
Bob The Master of the World
Brazen
Bruno
Dreamer
Elixir
fastjack
Franche Coma
GenAerik
Genghis Kahn
Hallucination
Hoggle
Jakyl
Juan Valdez
Kilroy
Kith-Kanan
Legolas
Longshot
Magnum
Malachi
Miyamoto
Mr. Q
Rory
Shadowmaster
Sir Flea
Siva
Snotty
Spanky McDougal, Sir!
S00per Sperm
Trojan-Man
Wiz Kid
Zelia Winter
Zen
Zippy
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
(NOTE: From now on, only every tenth file will have a complete membership
list. Every fifth file will have a list of those brave enough to write for
GwD, kinda like this:)
/----------------------***** GwD Propagandists *****-------------------------\
| Lobo - Seth The Man - The Lizard King - Spanky McDougal, Sir! - Sir Flea |
| Zippy - Aracnia - Zen - Trojan-Man |
\----------------------*****-------------------*****-------------------------/
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth The Man (Mission Control)
GridPoint (XXX)XXX-XXXX
SysOp-Transderm-Nitro (First Conquest, don't know new number)
Federation Slayers' (806)799-1184
SysOp-Big Red Fed
The Starchy White Boy BBS (806)842-3270
SysOp-Fastjack (Down until May of 1994)
Light My Fire (806)795-4926
SysOp-Ailanthus
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779
SysOp-Diamondback
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948
SysOp-Longshot
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259
SysOp-Brazen (Eastern Outpost)
copyright (c) 1994 GwD Inc. (Hey, we're a company now! Dammit boys!)
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo
All rights reserved, and damned if I ain't seein' GREEN!
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G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"What"
by fastjack
The sun rose warmly in the East, but still he felt cold, knowing
that the house was empty and the life that had filled it was gone.
Voices of the past roared through his mind. Images and feelings and
thousands of other sensory impressions shoved and fought for dominance inside
of his mind. Each tried to be the first to leap out and make itself a coherent
thought, but none could gain dominance; therefore everything remained a jumble.
Too numb to think of the past or the future he lay there and let the silent
tears track down his face trailing, soaking into the pillow.
After a while he forced his thoughts into order. He thought of their
last night together, and the last talk they had. Now he could feel the hurt
and betrayal in his heart. It was a small bitter seed. He wrapped a mental
hand around it and savored its feel. The seed blossomed into a black rose
of anger, and suddenly he hated everone and everything. He wanted to strike
out, to rage against the world and destroy, to hurt her for hurting him.
Then it was gone. Nothing was there but apathy. It filled him.
Nothing mattered, nothing ever did, nothing ever would or should or could
without her.
Clouds came. Rain came. The house stayed silent and empty as he lay
there. She was never there he thought. No one was ever there, and no one
had ever been there. Everything was gone. Blackness reigned.
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth The Man (Mission Control)
GridPoint (XXX)XXX-XXXX
SysOp-Transderm-Nitro (First Conquest, don't know new number)
Federation Slayers' (806)799-1184
SysOp-Big Red Fed
The Starchy White Boy BBS (806)842-3270
SysOp-Fastjack (Down until May of 1994)
Light My Fire (806)795-4926
SysOp-Ailanthus
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779
SysOp-Diamondback
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948
SysOp-Longshot
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259
SysOp-Brazen (Eastern Outpost)
copyright (c) 1994 by fastjack of GwD Inc.
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo
All rights reserved to that there Guy In Green
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G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"One Hand Clapping"
by Spanky McDougal, Sir!
PART I
The Beginning
It was only about a year after I "retired" from the force that they
started tracking me down. They just don't let people like me walk off like
that, I guess. I staggered into the foyer of my hotel, trying like hell to
avoid anyone who looked like they had a bill for me. I had been on the beach
all day, doing my damnedest to put myself in a tequila coma. It was pretty
damn hard to find tequila in, well, wherever the hell I was, Philippines
probably, but I was good at that kind of thing. I stopped my financial
observations to notice the rather shapely legs of the waitress in the dimly
lit bar off of the main lobby. I only glanced for one testosterone-filled
second, but it was a second too long. The door ape had spotted me coming in,
and was moving to intercept. He was a good guy, not too bright, and the kind
to know when to stay bought. Makes me wish there were more politicians like
him. I made sure to tip him real well, so he took good care of me, even when
I was too drunk to wet myself properly. "Mistah Armand, you alright? You
shouldn't drink outside like that, the locals roll you chop chop! You want me
to get you a good drink from the bar?"
Why not? I ordered up two fingers of Everclear, neat, and he sauntered
off, looking puzzled. I wondered if the bar actually stocked the stuff.
Probably. As he walked away, he tossed some words of warning over his
shoulder. "Mistah Armand, someone short and rude was looking for you. Maybe
a bill, eh?" Oh shit. He didn't know it, but he had saved my bacon then.
That bastard Hale was after me again! When I "retired" from the Force a few
years back, he'd sworn that he'd be the one they sent after me , even if he
had to do it on his own time. Bastard probably did. Short and rude, yeah,
that was Hale. I wandered up to the desk, slapping down some greasy,
counterfeit bank notes to cover my tab, and asked if there was any mail for
me. I knew there was. The desk clerk handed the box to me after checking my
ID. The ID was for Elvis Costello, the fixer's idea of a joke, but this guy
had no concept of the greats of comedy. I shook the box, relieved to feel the
comforting weight inside. I had mailed the Mac 10 to myself a few weeks back,
so I would always have access to it, even if my room was searched.
I climbed up the fire escape, since I didn't trust elevators, and stared
at my door. The doorman was right. The rose petal I always keep propped on
the bottom of the door was moved. My door had been opened. Not likely the
maids, half of them were in the VD clinic and the other half were doing their
damnedest to get there, what with cheap "bedwarming" services and all. No, it
was probably Hale or one of his goons. The goddamned little elf wouldn't get
away with it this time! I reached over to the firebox and pulled out the
spare clips for the Mac 10 I had substituted for the fire extinguisher a
little over a week before. I had left the ax and the hose just in case, but
they wouldn't be needed today. I grabbed the trash can, and emptied it into a
smoky fire I lit with a back issue of cosmo and my Boy Scout firestarter. I
always knew the connections to BS central would come in handy. They're like a
covert army, and those Eagle Scouts are better than the Green Berets. I
pulled out my trademark Pez dispenser, lit its head on fire for good luck, and
popped one of those flaming Prozac pills down my throat for better luck (I
never use candy, the prescription drugs pack more of an offensive punch. I
know a guy who once took down a pack of Nazi attack dogs with a box of
Halcion). I jammed the trash can over my head, and burst into my room.
The maid looked up from the vacuum cleaner past her hairy legs and over
her even hairier chin, but she didn't have to blink before I was all over her,
shoving Pez into her throat and thumbing every happy pill I had into her
system. That stuff is pretty nasty in large quantities, and she had enough
coursing through her veins to stop a sex-crazed rhinocerous on bad acid.
Pretty soon, she couldn't even track her eyes, and the medecine started to
congeal on her breath. I dragged her over to the bathroom cubicle, shoved her
head into the toilet and yelled, "Talk! Talk, goddamn it or I'll flush you
down this thing!" Her answer, after the Prozac and throat burns, was a gurgle
and a string of drool, but I was well practiced in the ways of mood altering
drugs. I quickly deciphered her answer, and pulled her head out of the drink
and, coincidentally, the pipes and all four walls of the cubicle. She was
indeed Hale's goon, and the sharpened end of her mop had my name on it.
As I was pulling her body out of the bathroom, I heard a chuckle behind
him. "Well done, Armand, the flaming Pez was a nice touch." Hale! I spun
around, spraying lead with the Mac 10, and demolishing every picture, speaker,
potted plant, and TV screen in the room. I missed Hale completely. I had
made the same goddamn mistake I had made the last time, forgetting that the
midget queer was only three feet high! Hale returned fire with a highly tuned
Curly routine, and I remembered only too late how good he was at it. The only
defense was a standard #3 Moe act, but I had never bothered to learn it. By
the time I was face down on the floor, bleeding and humiliated, I wished to
hell I had. I managed to get up, but Hale had a portable CD player and the
opening bars to "Achy Breaky Heart" strated ripping through the room. I
didn't stand a chance with my low C&W tolerance, and I was on the floor again,
screaming the antidote ("Call Me Al") at the top of my lungs. It didn't help
because two twin goons connected at the shoulder strutted in and banged me
around until my fillings were loose.
"You should not have left us, Armand! The Boss is not pleased, and he
wants you back! They say you are the best, but I think I have proven how much
better I am. Hmm. I have no idea why the Boss might want you back, but it
might have something to do with the Tierlich project. Guido! Nunzio! Take
this slab of meatout to the car." The Duo of Destruction, one on each arm,
marched me out to the car like some out of tune drill team. On the way, Hale
practiced his degree in the Dark Side of Chiropracty on my shoulders. Such
pain I had felt only once before, when my frat brothers convinced me to chug a
bottle of Mad Dog and then pumped my stomach with a vacuum cleaner. On the
ride to the train station, they sealed up the back seat and then the
blackhearted bastards started pumping Indigo Girls into the back whilst a
pleasant rendition of Beethoven echoed in the front seats. Over the strained
chords of "Walking in Memphis" I noticed that the two Italian meatloafs were
Siamese twins. So we were an equal opportunity employer now, eh? Well, at
least I would get to see Cindy and the girls again...
End of Part I
Next: Reunion
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth The Man (Mission Control)
GridPoint (XXX)XXX-XXXX
SysOp-Transderm-Nitro (First Conquest, don't know new number)
Federation Slayers' (806)799-1184
SysOp-Big Red Fed
The Starchy White Boy BBS (806)842-3270
SysOp-Fastjack (Down until May of 1994)
Light My Fire (806)795-4926
SysOp-Ailanthus
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779
SysOp-Diamondback
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948
SysOp-Longshot
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259
SysOp-Brazen (Eastern Outpost)
copyright (c) 1994 by Spanky McDougal, Sir! of GwD Inc.
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo
All rights reserved to the guy in the woods (the woods are green!)
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G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"One Hand Clapping"
by Spanky McDougal, Sir!
PART II
Reunion
The Siamese goons dragged me into a closed room, strapped me to a chair,
and left. I was bruised and battered after flying back to L.A. in a pet
carrier, but something told me that the Boss wouldn't care too much. I
figured that he would be in soon, after a small wait to make me sweat. I was
sweating. The Boss isn't much to look at, a small, nondescript man, but he's
sharp as a tack with as much soul. He's the kind of guy to break every bone
in your body slowly, all the while giggling and telling you the one about the
Invisible Man in the women's crapper. A real sweetheart. Sure enough, the
lights dimmed and he walked in. He didn't waste much time, he never did, and
he got right to the point.
"Jeeeeezus, Armand, what the hell happened to you? You used to be the
best. We were kind of concerned when you walked off last year and told us all
that we'd never find you. We wouldn't have, either, but you leave a trail of
alcohol shortages a Presbyterian could follow. Shit. You used to be the
best! What happened to you? You look terrible!"
"Hale...." I muttered through cracked lips smeared with banana. Hale and
his goons had laughed themselves silly while they super glued bits of rat hair
on me and passed me through customs as a lowland gorilla. One of these days,
I swore I'd vent his spleen for that.
"No shit, Sherlock. That's why I sent him after you, toremind you that,
without you, nuts like him are what we have to unleash on the Opposition.
Such a fate even the evil empire doesn't deserve. Goddamn little runt gives
me the creeps. Well, I'm a busy man and you need to get cleaned up. What the
hell is that anyway? Rat hair?" I nodded my agreement, vowing to split the
bastard like an overripe banana. "Well, you look like shit. The gorilla bit
again? Ha. Yeah, well get cleaned up. Tomorrow you're going to meet up with
your team for the Tierlich enterprise. It's on again, and I'm afraid that
Hale would just scare the shit out of the Opposition. Tomorrow, five o'clock
sharp. Sharp, dammit! No booze! None! If you touch a drop, I will let Hale
work you over like a blue collar on overtime. You'd better stay sober...."
I was frog-marched up the steps to my old apartment by Guido and Nunzio,
who made sure the back of my aching head was intimately acquainted with every
corner of every hardwood stair. They tried to stuff me in the icebox of my
room, but my steel tipped orthropedic shoes convinced their foreheads of the
error in their ways. After they left, I opened up the liqueur cabinet in my
room, not really expecting to find anything. It was a nice room, decorated in
some sort of sawdust theme. There was a bed without a mattress, a table
without legs or a top, and, of course, a little diesel refrigerator screaming
its head off in the corner. The pilot light burning on top didn't boost my
confidence in its ability to keep liquor cold. I didn't need to bother, all
the bottles were smashed and filed to wicked points. Hmmm. I pulled out
ceiling tilesand climbed up into the rafters, pulling the acoustic tile up
after me. After I replaced it, they wouldn't be able to shoot me through the
door. It's an old habit I picked up at summer camp. Mom and Dad did ship me
off to the queerest places...
I woke up from a dream about the counselors smearing us with whipped
cream and shoving shaving cream down our throats. Ugh. It was about five
o'clock, I guessed, from my beard. I climbed down, rather surprised that my
room hadn't been demolished. I guess the Chief wanted to give me a chance to
recover before opening me up as fair game. I showered and shaved, drank some
orange juice, and went back to sleep. At about nineo'clock, I scrambled down
the fire escape, eschewing the stairs. I spotted a wino in front of the
lobby, whereI paused to look at the crest of arms. The Force used to be
positioned on the thirteenth floor of the Drake hotel, which was hell for the
room service. Recently, we had taken over the entire building, explained the
bellhops with body armor. I snuck up behind the boozer and smacked him in the
back of the neck with a brick. He went out like a user after a bad trip, and
I appropriated his rat piss wine. It tasted like Everclear with Kool-Aid, but
I didn't care. I wandered in the front door, swilling like there was no
tomorrow. As far as I was concerned, there wasn't. Guido and Nunzio were
waiting for me, and one grabbed my arms while the other smashed my bottle over
my head; it was my turn to go beddie-bye. I woke up chained to a chair
illuminated by a single, swinging light bulb. Hale and company were in front
of me, along with the Boss and some characters I didn't know.
"Goddamn it," I quipped, rather piqued, "let me the hell out!"
"No. Did I say no booze? Did I? I FUCKING WELL DID! NO! WE NEED YOU
SOBER!" The Boss seemed a little annoyed. I thought about offering him some
win to calm him down, but then I thought better. Besides, I thought, the
bottle is broken. He continued, "Anyway, this is your team. The bottom of
the barrel, but then so are you. This is Crusher Bruiserson, you muscle. He
represents the Sweden/Norway/Denmark part of the alliance." He indicated a
slab of flesh I had taken for some mad scientist's idea of a joke. The guy
was at least seven feet tall, and even his muscles had muscles. It emitted
the queer base groaning sound that shook my bones, and I realized that it was
talking.
"Ya, ah am Crusher, son of Bruiser, and I vill kill any pig dog voman-man
testicle-less vhoreson who tries to hurt you." The guy looked like Conan the
Barabarian with a steroid I.V.
The Boss pointed to a man in a bowler hat and three piece suit, doing a
flawless fandango. "This is Bob, a Man of a Thousand Faces from the Land of a
Thousand Dances." As I watched, the man (?) stuffed his clothing and hair
into a soft, shapeless bag, and pulled out a blond wig, tight dress, and lots
of padding. The fandango melted into a waltz, and a confused Crusher
Bruiserson was being paraded around the room by a female version of himself.
I had only seen one person like this before, Twitchyfeet Malone, a famous
assassin. Famous because the only person he evr killed laughed himself into a
Mac truck. These people were all masters of disguise, but not a single one of
them could stand still for more than a few seconds at a time. The Boss
indicated a final man, a nondescript blond guy in a windsuit. "This is Dave,
your AA counselor. Do what he says, or Hale gets the job. If Hale gets the
job, we tell Crusher that ou-yay ot-gay is-hay ister-say regnant-pay. Capice?
I could imagine what that slab of meat would do to me. "Yeah." I
shuddered. The next few months were not going to be fun. The Boss started to
explain what we were supposed to do while Dave gave me some inspirational
literature and a pep talk. Fuckin' A.
End of Part II
Next: New Beginnings
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth The Man (Mission Control)
GridPoint (XXX)XXX-XXXX
SysOp-Transderm-Nitro (First Conquest, don't know new number)
Federation Slayers' (806)799-1184
SysOp-Big Red Fed
The Starchy White Boy BBS (806)842-3270
SysOp-Fastjack (Down until May of 1994)
Light My Fire (806)795-4926
SysOp-Ailanthus
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779
SysOp-Diamondback
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948
SysOp-Longshot
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259
SysOp-Brazen (Eastern Outpost)
copyright (c) 1994 by Spanky McDougal, Sir! of GwD Inc.
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo
All rights reserved
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"Shakespeare Silliness: Part the First"
by Lobo
We all know the famous poem "The Seven Ages of Man" by good ol' Willy S.,
don't we? Well, if not, here goes:
THE SEVEN AGES OF MAN
from _As You Like It_
by William Shakespeare
All the world's a stage
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms;
And then the whining schoolboy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honor, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of normal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slippered pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.
Well, there it is. My English teacher, thinking we were all poets, said
that we should all re-write that poem so that it reflects something that is as
important to us as the stage was to Shakespeare and that makes sense in the here
and now. Here is what I wrote at first:
THE SEVEN PHASES OF CRIME
by Lobo
All the world's a crackhouse
And all the men and women merely junkies;
They have their habits and the the things they do,
And one man in his addiction does many things,
His jobs having seven phases. At first the crack baby,
Whining when he doesn't get his high;
And then the boy-dealer, with his backpack
And shining AK-47, walking sulkily
To make his rounds on the streets. And then the full-fledged dealer,
Working at the furnace, melting cocaine into crack
To give to the ho's that he pimps. Then a gangster,
Clothed in solid colors and doing drive-bys,
Jealous of others who dared to enter his 'hood.
Seeking to smash the others
Even with an enemy's gun in his mouth. And then the cartel,
With fine cars and Armani suits
With mistresses and "designer drugs",
Full of advice or bullet-holes;
And so he runs the business. The sixth phase shifts him
Into the lean and mean Mafia Don.
With wiretap on chest and sawed-off at his side;
His pinstripe suit, well preserved, way too small
For his fat body; and his big manly jive,
Going back to when he was a kid on the streets, lungs
And throat ruined by cigarettes and crack pipes. Last phase of all,
That ends this organized criminal's days,
Is losing control of his bladder
As a hitman's bullet enters his brain.
Well, since it was supposed to be something important to me and because I
didn't think my teacher would like that, I started over and wrote this, although
"The Seven Phases of Illegalities" is much funnier:
THE SUB-ROUTINES OF MAN
by Lobo
All the world's a computer
And all the men and women merely circuits and programs;
They have their useful times and their useless times,
And one man in his life accesses many programs, but never for himself,
This sequence operating under many sub-routines. At first the child
Is made. Thrust just from the womb into the circuit board known as life,
He does nothing at all but retrieve one or two programs, again and again,
Always with the great fear of being replaced by a newer model of himself.
If he is lucky, he might know love, and if he abounds with
Luck, the object of his affections might just love him back. He lives,
Maybe having children in the form of updated versions of programs, maybe
Even his own. He then becomes an artifact, finally outdated, finally
almost
Finished with his work. At this point he is often retired, and he might go
on
A few trips. Usually, he will be thrown in a hole, and covered with dirt,
Along with many of his comrades. If he is ever again allowed to use his
Talents, it will be to show young children what life and computing were
Like in his generation. His remains may be discovered years down the road
And studied by those more advanced than he, just to see how something this
Simple could have possibly worked. In the final sub-routine of this grand
Program that we call life, the man is finally laid to rest; without heart,
mind,
Body, or soul, he falls to the all encompassing oblivion.
Sure, it's corny, cheesy, etc., but so what? Sure there aren't seven sub-
routines in that poem, but the teacher still liked it. In fact, I got a 100 on
it. Woo woo.
Thus, we leave you until the next exciting installment of Shakespeare Silliness,
a satire of that most celebrated of plays, _Romeo and Juliet_.
Both poems by me were written on February 7, 1994, just in case you were
wondering. It's just taken me until today, May 22, 1994 to actually put them in
the same file and to type up the one by Shakespeare.
-Lobo
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth Sometimes (Mission Control)
GridPoint (405)920-1347
SysOp-Transderm-Nitro (First Conquest, we finally got the new number!)
Federation Slayers' (806)798-8168
SysOp-Big Red Fed
The Starchy White Boy BBS (803)###-####
SysOp-Fastjack (Moved to South Carolina, number available soon)
Light My Fire (806)795-4926
SysOp-Ailanthus
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779
SysOp-Diamondback
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948
SysOp-Longshot
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259
SysOp-Brazen (Eastern Outpost)
Club Baby Seal (817)429-4636
SysOp-Zippy (Penile Implant Site)
/---------------\
copyright (c) 1994 by Lobo of GwD Inc. :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo: GwD :
All rights reserved to The Wearer of the Green Undies! \---------------/
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"Return to School: 101"
by Lobo
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guided tour through the 1993-94 school year Discipline Management Booklet
for the Lubbock Independent School District (LISD) follows. This is all copied
DIRECTLY from the LISD booklet. Any spelling, grammatical, or punctuation
errors are entirely their fault. It is also probably all copyrighted, but this
is for information purposes only.
################################################################################
{<Lots of other BS (Items 1-8, classroom conduct, etc.) precedes this.>}
(9) Violating the following dress and grooming policy:
The District's dress code is established to teach grooming and hygiene,
instill dicipline, prevent disruption, avoid safety hazards, and teach respect
for authority.
Students shall be dressed and groomed in a manner that is cleanand that will not
be a health or safety hazard to themselves or others. The District prohibits any
clothing or grooming that in the principal's judgment may reasonably be expected
to cause disruption of or interference with normal school operations.
The District prohibits pictures, symbols, emblems, or writings on clothing that:
(a) Are lewd, offensive, vulgar, or obscene
(b) Advertise or depict tobacco products, alcoholic beverages, drugs, or any
other substance
(c) Refer to satanic, cult, or gang activities
The student and parent may determine the student's personal dress and grooming
standards, provided that they comply with the general guidelinesset out above
and as outlined in this plan.
(a) Clothing (dresses, skirts, shorts, culottes) may not be shorter than the
top of the knee for secondary students. Similar clothing for elementary
(dresses, skirts, shorts, culottes) students must meet standards of good
taste as determined by the building principal
(b) Clothing that has been modified in a revealing manner will not be allowed
(c) Bicycle shorts will not be allowed
(d) Footwear shall be a part of regular attire. Thongs and bathroom or
houseshoe-type footwear are not acceptable.
(e) A bare midriff is unacceptable.
(f) Appropriate undergarments shall be worn at all times.
(g) The hair shall be clean and well-groomed, and not covering the eyes. A
variety of hair styles shall be permittedif the following extremes are
avoided:
. geometric or unusual patterns shaved or cut in the hair
. color variations in hair
. ponytail, rat-tail, and braids (for boys)
. longer than shoulder length (for boys)
(h) Sideburns shall be kept trimmed so as not to form a beard, and shall not
be extreme in fullness. Mustaches shall be acceptable if neatly trimmed.
Beards shall not be acceptable.
(i) The neck opening on any type shirt or blouse may not exceed the equivalent
of the second button below the collar of a dress shirt or blouse.
Underwear-type shirts such as tank tops or muscle shirts, are not
acceptable.
(j) Male students shall not wear earrings. Nose studs may not be worn by any
student.
If the princiapl determines that a student's groomin violates the dress code,
that student shall be given an opportunity to correct the problem at school.
If not corrected, the student shall be assigned to in-school suspension for
the remainder of the day, o until the problem is corrected.
A student whose clothing violates the dress code shall be assigned to
in-school suspension either for the remainder of the day or until a parent or
designee brings an acceptable change of clothing to the school.
Repeated offenses may result in more serious action. Appropriate discipline
procedures shall be followed in all cases.
The principal, in cooperation with the sponsor, coach, or other person in
charge of an extracurricular activity, may regulate the dress and grooming of
students who participate in the activity. Students who violate these standards
may be removed or excluded from the activity for a period determined by the
principal or sponsor and may be subject to other disciplinary action.
This policy shall be reviewed annually. {Last Reviewed, 1989. -Lobo}
{<The stuff that follows this is actually sort of OK in a few aspects.>}
################################################################################
As you can see, this policy is rather fascist, but hey, we all know that
school is fascist. Here's an article I wrote for the newspaper we had to make
in computer class for desktop publishing (which was quite hard for some people
in the class to grasp) last year:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Biology Students Take "End of Course Exam" {classy title, eh?}
The title says it all. On May 18, 1994, all biology students in the state
of Texas took the "End of Course Exam". Though it did not count this year (as
far as the state was concerned, it was a practice test), most teachers either
took a grade on it or counted it as the course final (which my teacher did).
Next year's students will have to pass the test or they will not receive credit
for the course, regardless of how well they did throughout the year. This exam,
though extremely easy, is another example of how the state is trying to take
control of individual school districts and how they grade their students. The
Texas Education Agency has plans to implement similar examinations in all higher
science (biology, chemistry, and physics) and higher math (algebra, geometry,
trigonometry, and calculus) courses. If this happens, many good students who
"freeze-up" on tests or do not test well for some other reason will have to
repeat many courses. This would be bad {original phrase before fascist computer
teacher lady made me change it was 'This would suck...'} because these students
could not move on to the next level in science or math, even if they passed the
course. Preliminary plans have also been made to require similar testing in all
courses if the science and math exams have good results. Testing is becoming
even more of an inherent part of school, and we at the Pig's Paper are more than
a little bit skeptical of this. {The Pig's Paper was the name of the newspaper.
There was a big picture of a pig on the front. It was neat.}
################################################################################
There's just another example of how school is fascist, though this time it's
actually not LISD's fault. What a surprise! Fascism at the state level? Who
comes up with these things?
{The amount of sarcasm in the last three sentences is roughly equivalent to the
amount of oil the Exxon Valdez spilled in Alaska. That's just an estimate.}
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, we here at GwD are always looking for more evidence of ANY school's
fascism/corruption/poor taste/uncleanliness/etc. If you have an interesting
tidbit about school, why not e-mail (me) Lobo? I can be reached on almost any
bbs in 806. Come on, drop me a line!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This text file has been a production of The GREENY world Domination Task Force.
You may now carry on with whatever it is you were doing before you started
reading this file.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/-----------------------***** GwD Propagandists *****--------------------------\
| Lobo - Seth Sometimes - The Lizard King - Spanky McDougal, Sir! - Sir Flea |
| Zippy - Aracnia - Zen - Trojan-Man - fastjack |
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------/
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth Sometimes (Mission Control)
GridPoint (405)920-1347
SysOp-Transderm-Nitro (First Conquest)
Federation Slayers' (806)798-8168
SysOp-Big Red Fed
The Starchy White Boy BBS (803)###-####
SysOp-Fastjack (Moved to South Carolina, number available soon)
Light My Fire (806)795-4926
SysOp-Ailanthus
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779
SysOp-Diamondback
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948
SysOp-Longshot
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259
SysOp-Brazen (Eastern Outpost)
Club Baby Seal (817)429-4636
SysOp-Zippy (Penile Implant Site)
/---------------\
copyright (c) 1994 by Lobo of GwD Inc. :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo: GwD :
All rights reserved to all things GREEN! \---------------/
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"Rex et son ami Louis, Le Prochain Chapitre:
La rentr‚e de les deux chouette hommes."
OR
"Rex and his friend Louis, The Next Chapter:
The return of the two cool men."
by Lobo
PREFACE
Well, we've all read the original Rex and Louis file, you know, the one
about how they hold up a liquor store and then The Crusader From Beyond (TCFB)
thwarts their dastardly plans? Well, okay, maybe we haven't ALL read it, but it
doesn't matter. This file isn't even related to that one, anyway. The only
similarity is the first names of the main characters, Rex and Louis. TCFB isn't
even part of this story. Oh well, here goes.
It was a hot day, in the middle of summer. Rex, a big time car thief, and
his best friend and closest business associate, Louis were out for a leisurely
stroll around the neighborhood. Well, they were walking along, and all of a
sudden, a man in a black trench coat stepped into their path. "You Rex and
Louie?" he growled. "Who's askin'?" said Rex behind a sneer. "Well, if you is,
I gotta give somefin to yuz. Is you or isn't you Rex and Louie?" the man said.
He was definitely becoming annoyed. "I'm Louis (with an emphasis on the 'iss')
and this here is Rex. Now, are you gonna give it to us?" demanded Louis. The
man opened his trench coat and said, "Here it is." He whipped out an uzi, and
did his best to shoot Rex and Louis. These boys had seen action before, so they
easily dodged the shots and grabbed the man, pinning him to the ground. "You
shot at us. You unbelievable bastard!" screamed Rex into the man's ear. "Who
sentcha? WHO SENTCHA?" demanded Louis whilst he beat the trench coated man (who
was now laughing)to a bloody pulp. "Guess," came his reply after he's lost all
of his teeth. Well, neither Rex or Louis was very bright, so when they were
done guessing it was dark and the man wished he would have told them in the
beginning. "We ain't guessin' no more," declared Rex, "So you better tell us,
or you're gonna be in a world of pain." "Jim Conway sent me. He wanted me to
dust you boyos off, but i had not idea you had such keen intellects. Tell me,
were you born that stupid, or did your parents drop you a lot. Neither Rex or
Louis realized they were being insulted, so they said nothing. "You guys wanna
find Conway? I'll take you to him."
Conway's office was near a suspiciously familiar convenience store. "Go on
in," suggested the man, who's name was Scott, as Rex had found his driver's
license, and we all know that hit men never lie about things or get fake ID's.
Anyway, inside, they were met by a man claiming to be Conway. "Why you want us
dead, you slime?" questioned Louis. "Maybe if you weren't such a fucker, you'd
know the answer to that question. You goddamn sons of bitches." He then shed
his suit, revealing none other than the costume of (dun dun dun) The Crusader
From Beyond! "Hey, you ain't supposed to be in this story! Let's get 'im!"
cried Louis. "Not so fast, motherfucker. You ain't fit to suck my dog's dick,"
he said as he proceeded to kick their asses royally "now, now, now, I wouldn't
have to kill you if it wasn't for one thing." "What's that, fuck-face?" said
Rex. "It's your names, dick-lick. I kill and/or maim and/or have arrested
everyone named Rex who has a close association with anyone named Louis. You
fuck!" he cried, as Louis shot him in the foot. Since TCFB is not immune to
bullets, he doubled over in pain. "Die, you butt-fuckers! Die!" even near
death, TCFB's dirty mouth didn't stop. "What are we? Huh? Butt-fuckers? Sons
of bitches? Dog-dick-lickers?" asked Rex in his best church-boy voice. Each
question was punctuated by a kick in the genitals by Rex and a gunshot in the
leg by Louis. "You goin' down, little man. Down!" screamed Louis. "Oh yeah?
Well, what about this?" as he said this, TCFB let loose with a super plama bolt
right into Rex! "Waitaminute...in dat other story, you didn't know how to use
you powers! What gives?" Louis asked, inquistively. "Well, you see, each time
I hurt anybody with your names that have a close working relationship (like you
shits), I gain the use of one of my powers. I learned this from the oracle in
my shitter. I believe humans call it a toilet. Well, anyway, it is actually a
member of a race that is indigenous to my plane of existence, they call
themsleves the Pish-Antes. Everytime you build a 'toilet', you yank one of them
from his or her home, you assholes! Well, it told me how to gain use of my
powers. You wanna know why I have powers here, but not at home?" <He then
thwaps the unconscious Rex and knees the badly hurt Louis in the groin> "Unh!
Yeah, tell us, pleeease!" whimpered Louis. "Okie dokie, asswipe. It's cuz yer
moon's really made of green cheese. If it was rock like every other moon, I
wouldn't have powers!" he said. "Why that hitman, then?" asked Louis. "He
wasn't no goddamn hitman. He's just the neighbor kid, and he needs some cash.
I set him up to get his ass kicked and bring you cock-suckers back to me," said
TCFB, letting loose with another plasma blast that killed Louis. He then left
the building and set it ablaze with yet another blast. "Good-fuckin'-riddance.
Buncha dicks." declared TCFB as he headed home.
AFTERWORD
Well, so I lied. TCFB was in it. He's the star anyway, right? This file
was written on a June afternoon in one half an hour when I was bored out of my
mind. That's why it lacked something that the original had. Look out for more
Rex & Louis files from GwD when I get around to writing them.
P.S.- If you don't like Rex, Louis, or TCFB, I'll consider quitting writing
files about them. I assume you can take it once in a while, though.
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth Sometimes (Mission Control)
GridPoint (405)920-1347
SysOp-Transderm-Nitro (First Conquest)
Federation Slayers' (806)798-8168
SysOp-Big Red Fed
The Starchy White Boy BBS (803)###-####
SysOp-Fastjack (Moved to South Carolina, number available soon)
Light My Fire (806)795-4926
SysOp-Ailanthus
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779
SysOp-Diamondback
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948
SysOp-Longshot
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259
SysOp-Brazen (Eastern Outpost)
Club Baby Seal (817)429-4636
SysOp-Zippy (Penile Implant Site)
/---------------\
copyright (c) 1994 by Lobo of GwD Inc. :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo: GwD :
All rights reserved to The Guy with the Pot of Gold \---------------/
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD27
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"Literal Dribblings"
by Seth Sometimes
(Otherwise knows as Seth The Man)
Isolation.
The world is very different now. I've been here for three months, totally
alone, no one, no two, and no three people every being near. They told
me. They told me I would feel this way, that it was natural, and not
cruel. I believed them. I believed every single word that dripped out of
their mouths. I Believed them. AS I look back, I see why I Believed
them. I see the horrid sense of it all. Isolation isn't bad. Isoalation
isn't good. Isolation isn't even anywhere in between. Isolation is.
Period, no more. The Isolation that I endure is not true lonliness. It
isn't even sadness. Oh, at first it was, at first I was lonely, sad,
and angry, but now, now, I am too lethargic to feel strongly about
anything at all, if they opened the box (that is what I have come to
call this...place..) I doubt that I would go running out. Infact I would
probably simply stare, and calmly walk away. I don't like it here, but I
remember there, and decide that I didn't like it there any more. My
isolation is my life, my life, my death.
The Visit.
"Hello" I said.
"Hullo" I answered. He looked familiar, tall, lean, and pale, but I
couldn't place a name.
I couldn't believe I was doing this. I shouldn't be here. This
is too dangerous. Why am I here. I shouldn't be here. He won't, can't,
know me.
The strange man just stood there. I stared at him, but didn't
open the screen door. I just kind of stood there staring at horribly
familiar man in my doorway. Emotions skittered across his face, he
looked as if he was being pulled apart from the inside.
I couldn't remember anything. It's as if someone was
systematicaly going through my mind and erasing parts of it. Could this
be a bigger mistake than I thought? Oh god, let the pressure at my
temples be the stress, and not....something...else. I need to get out of
here. "I, I'm sorry. I must have the wrong house...uhm, thank you..."
He says he has the wrong house. I don't believe him, something
about him is too familiar to just let him walk away. "You look bad, come
in, sit down. I'll get you some water"
"No....no I must....go...thank you" I ran. The pain. The pain,
the pain was unbearable, I had to get away..."Ugh"
He ran away. For no reason at all he ran, who was he? why was
his head moving like that? I watched him run. Then I finally pulled my
eyes away from him and went back to my work.
The Chair.
The glow form his monitor flickered across his sweating brow. This was
it. He was almost there. Six years of almost non-stop coding. This was
IT. This cost him his family, his friends, his job, and at the end, his
life, but it was worth it. Almost three thousand gigs of source, all
done by him, every character of every routine, typed in by him. Him alone.
No one knew, no one would know. Here was the absolute. Here was something
so amazing, so heart stoppingly frightening. Here was intelligence. He had
done it. Alone. He knew he didn't have long to live, but it didn't matter,
just three more key strokes and he could die in peace. All these years,
so obsessed that he lost all. He was absolutely alone now, but he liked
it that way. He didn't need to live to transfer the program. It could do
that on it's own. All he had to do was hit three more keys. Then he
could die. No one would find his body. He was nowhere. But just three
more taps and he would be revered as a martyr, a god. Two more. One. Just
one more, and all he had to do was hit the key. He sat back, and the chair
which had held his ever failing body, finally gave out. He hit the floor
and his already weakened body just..broke.
Author's Note: Please excuse any grammatical errors, spelling mistakes,
etc. I wrote each of these just straight, no pause, just like a mental
vomit onto my monitor. The first one was done after reading "Real-Time
World" by Christopher Priest, and shares the basic emotions of the
story. The Second was done after reading "One Life, Furnished in Early
Poverty" by Harlan Ellison, and carries the premise of that story to
some extent. The third was written during reading "The Gods of Mars" by
Gardner Dozois, Jack Dann, and Michale Swanwick, and has nothing
whatsoever to do with that story. All of the above stories are well
worth reading and can be found in _The 1972 Annual World's Best SF_ and
_The 1986 Annual World's Best SF_ both edited by Donald A. Wollheim.
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth Soemtimes (Mission Control)
GridPoint (405)920-1347
SysOp-Transderm-Nitro (First Conquest)
Federation Slayers' (806)798-8168
SysOp-Big Red Fed
The Starchy White Boy BBS (803)###-####
SysOp-Fastjack (Moved to South Carolina, number available soon)
Light My Fire (806)795-4926
SysOp-Ailanthus
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779
SysOp-Diamondback
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948
SysOp-Longshot
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259
SysOp-Brazen (Eastern Outpost)
Club Baby Seal (817)429-4636
SysOp-Zippy (Penile Implant Site)
/---------------\
copyright (c) 1994 by Seth Sometimes of GwD Inc. :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo: GwD :
All rights reserved the guy in the green broken chair \---------------/
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD28
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"DroogSpeak: What We Say and Hear"
by Diamondback (and others)
"Stab him in the Lanzars!"
-Phlegm
"What? Does it look like I KNOW stuff?!?"
-Zen
"Gerbils." "Chickens." "Chainsaws." "GOD MODE!!!"
-Diamondback n' Zen: typical conversation
"Yeah...but don't hold that (our friendship) against me as a silencer
of my views."
-Diamondback
"Show us your tits!"
-Chad, Zen's cousin
"Hi, my name is Sam."
-Shadowmaster
"(insert ANYTHING here), dammit."
-Aracnia
"I understand."
-Diamondback
"Good day, sir."
-Ratt Fink
"Is this gonna require effort?"
-Trojan Man
"Can I have $5?"
-Diamondback
"Spit on your hand, and stroke my cock at a medium pace..."
-Adam Sandler
"They....uhh....put me under sedation.....I wake up...my teeth all
punched out....gums....bleeding....dripping blood.....and my....
pants....unbuttoned.....and.....why they do this?!?....why....I
don't understand.....AAAAAGH!!! AAAAAAAGH!!!!"
-The Jerky Boys "Dental Malpractice"
"Your head looks like a pumpkin."
-Ailanthus
"I'm goin' to DisneyLand."
-Genaerik
"I'm not hungry!"
-Aracnia
"You don't KNOW me, man!"
-Seth the Man
"She is a very nice girl."
-Trojan Man
"Cynicism isn't being a skeptic, it's reality."
-Diamondback
"Thingys. You know that thingy over there? You put that thingy beside
that thingy, and you use the thingy to make the thingy. It's all about
thingys."
-Aracnia
"Un bumpin on das noggin."
-Hoggle(not really, but you guys know what I'm
talkin' about<G>)
"BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! THUMP! THUMP! BOOM!"
-Zen's truck
"Blam! Bang a lot! Zowie!"
-Shadowmaster
"Sounds like a personal problem."
-Zen
"Fuck me gently with a chainsaw!"
-Genaerik
"I have no life when TRACIE's not here<whimper> <whimper>."
-Seth the Man
"I need a job."
-All of us
"I are a gradjuate."
-Diamondback
"The fuzzy red headed kid and the big breasted blonde woman."
-Zen
"Guess what, guys?!"
-One of us
"We don't care."
-The rest of us
"Your not holding up your end of the friendship."
-Ailanthus
"We don't care."
-The rest of us
"It no work, I go home."
-Some old weird guy at the ATM machine
"McDonalds?" "Yup."
-Diamondback n' Zen: typical conversation
"Wanna go coyote huntin'? Coo."
-Billy Buckshot(ask us about this later)
"Nice shoes, wanna fuck?"
-Hoggle
"I wanna sink her pink!"
-Chad, Zen's cousin
"He's the man."
-Lobo
"I know, the BAG!"
-Various members of the production of the 5
minute movie, "The Bag" (c) 1994
"[Aerik] isn't bitter, he isn't better, he's BUTTER!"
-Lady Kirby
"Sex."
-All of us
"Will you have toe sex with me?"
-Beth da Petereater
"Would you like to buy some rubber nee-ples?"
-Lacey
"(insert witty insult here)"
-Fastjack
"Jesus Christ is very nice, but I like Oreos..."
-ZeePee
"Hit that perfect beat boy, beat boy!"
-Zen
"You will be assim...Oo! Coke!"
-Phlegm
Well....there ya have it....a sloppy mess of quotes mainly thought up
by Diamondback, with several people hunched over the monitor offering
suggestions here n' there. Yeah.
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth Sometimes (Mission Control)
GridPoint (405)920-1347
SysOp-Transderm-Nitro (First Conquest)
Federation Slayers' (806)798-8168
SysOp-Big Red Fed
The Starchy White Boy BBS (803)###-####
SysOp-Fastjack (Moved to South Carolina, number available soon)
Light My Fire (806)795-4926
SysOp-Ailanthus
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779
SysOp-Diamondback
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948
SysOp-Longshot
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259
SysOp-Brazen (Eastern Outpost)
Club Baby Seal (817)429-4636
SysOp-Zippy (Penile Implant Site)
/---------------\
copyright (c) 1994 by Diamondback of GwD Inc. :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo: GwD :
All rights reserved to All That is Gangrene (Green gangs?) \---------------/
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"The Anti-GREENY!"
by Lobo and Seth Sometimes
(Shit! It's another tenth file about GREENY! Who wants to hear about him,
anyway? Okay, it's not really about him this time! Hah!)
First, we must explain that Grene is the source of all power on earth. She
represents positive emotions and all that is good. People tend to mistake
Grene's power with what you get when you mix yellow and blue.
Grene is the force that has possessed GREENY to take over the world, and
inspired us to help him. Grene's powers are weak on the individual mind, but
strong on the collective mind. This is why we want GREENY to be Emperor more
than he does. Redd, however, is the destroyer. He represents all that is evil
and negative. Grene and Redd have been locked in conflict for millenia.
Grene is the sole purpose we banded together in GwD. We did not know this until
recently, when Seth the Man and Lobo had visions. Lobo's vision was of a world
where Grene reigned supreme. She told him of her plans to make GREENY Emperor
and that that is why he was inspired to suggest GwD to the bbs community.
Seth's vision was different. His was all about a lust for power. She told him
that he needed other boards to have power over. She also advised him to change
his handle to Seth Sometimes (which is from a Cure song that Seth happened to
hear. Lobo thought that this part of the vision was only a dream or a delusion,
but Seth insisted that Grene had told him to change his handle.) We would have
notified you sooner, but we did not have these visions until last night, at
12:52:47 am precisely, one year after GwD was founded. Oh well, now we can go
on to what the file is about.
Sources have just informed us of the existence of a group whose two purposes
are to make B0b Limekiller Czar of the world and to take our beloved GREENY down
in the process. We only assume that they will take GwD down with him. This
evil society calls itself 'The Organization For The Advancement Of B0b
Limekiller' or 'TOFTAOBL'. What a stupid acronym. They can't even pick an easy
acronym to say, like GwD. Well, anyway, they are the forces of Redd, and will
stop at nothing to achieve their goal of making B0b the Czar of the *entire*
world! They must be stopped!
For, it has been foreseen for generations that just when The Great Green Guy
and all of the forces of Grene are about to assume control of the world, there
will be a great battle between Grene and Redd. Yes, it is true. B0b is none
other than....The Anti-GREENY! (dun dun dun!) The forces of Redd will march
over the face of the earth, if B0b's evil machinations are not counteracted!
And who else will counteract them but us? GwD *must* triumph or Grene will lose
in her eternal battle with Redd.
***** The Story of B0b *****
His mother was the whore. His father was a man named Karl Willie Johannsen.
Karl was the arch-rival of James "Blewie" Allen, the father of GREENY. In fact,
Karl had been GREENY's mother's boyfriend before she went out with James. Well,
anyway, Karl was down on his luck, so he went and got himself the whore. She
gave him the best night of his life, but she had evil on her mind. Redd was her
master, and she was using his help on that very night to spawn the only one who
could ever defeat the forces of Grene. She didn't use protection that night,
and was filled with the spirit of Redd until she became impregnated. Nine
months later, R0bert Vincent Johannsen was born. The whore dropped R0bert on
Karl's doorstep. R0bert, or B0b, as he soon came to be called, was a sad baby.
He shit his pants a lot and pissed in peoples' faces. He was often spanked by
his dad. His dad received unwholesome pleasure from this part of B0b's
childhood. His dad repeatedly threatened to step on him, which is why B0b will
forever have a fear of penny-loafers, which coincidentally, is one of the most
powerful symbols of all that is green and good. B0b attended Frenship schools
in Lubbock, Texas, where he met GREENY. Everyone, especially GREENY, taunted
him with the fact that his mother was the whore. They often filled his locker
with penny-loafers from Pay-Less shoe store, the same brand as his father wore.
How they knew this, no one knew. But, *we* know that GREENY must have told them
because of his superior intellect and close relations with Grene. When GREENY
got a computer, B0b got a lineman's headset. When GREENY put up a board, and it
was just starting to receive callers, it would go down. We have no proof, but
we believe that B0b's fledgling phreaker skills were what terminated so many
innocent bbses run by GREENY. Also, local graphiti often contained phrases
having to do with 'B0b Limekiller'. We all know that 'Limekiller' is a title
meaning 'the destroyer of all that is green and good' bestowed upon only the
most sinister of people by the twisted and evil Redd. This 'Limekiller' is now
known by GwD spies to be none other than B0b Johannsen, GREENY's evil
counterpart. B0b Limekiller founded TOFTAOBL, just as GwD was forming for
GREENY. This is because GREENY does not really want to rule, but B0b is working
to make himself ruler. GwD must be prepared for the battle that inevitable. We
can expect no help from GREENY, because he has read gwd10.txt which outlines how
the world will be run when he becomes Emperor, and he does not like the checks
we will put on his power. Of course, the *final* battle WILL be between GREENY
and B0b, and Grene herself will force GREENY to fight when the time comes, but
until then, we must do our best without him. Grene will be with us, though.
She loves us.
We have no fear of B0b or TOFTAOBL reading this file and learning what we
know of them because only one of them has a computer, and he cannot read. We
will inform you of further developments in the war against TOFTAOBL and its evil
leader, B0b, as soon as anything happens.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
GwD Task Force Members:
Top Worshipper Type of Guy- Lobo
Top Dog Type of Guy- Seth Sometimes
Top Organizer Type of Guy- Ratt Fink
Worshipper Type of Guy- Diamondback
Dog Type of Guy- TransDerm-Nitro
Organizer Type of Guy- The Lizard King
Droogs-
Ailanthus Kilroy
Alkaloid Kith-Kanan
Aracnia Legolas
Beth Da Petereter Longshot
Beowulf Magnum
Big Red Fed Malachi
Bill Hooper Miyamoto
Bloody Mary Mr. Q
Bob The Master of the World Rory
Brazen Sargonis
Bruno Shadowmaster
Dreamer Sir Flea
Elixir Siva
fastjack Snotty
Franche Coma Spanky McDougal, Sir!
GenAerik S00per Sperm
Genghis Kahn Trojan-Man
Hallucination Wiz Kid
Hoggle Zelia Winter
Jakyl Zen
Juan Valdez Zippy
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
/-----------------------***** GwD Propagandists *****--------------------------\
| Lobo - Seth Sometimes - The Lizard King - Spanky McDougal, Sir! - Sir Flea |
| Zippy - Aracnia - Zen - Trojan-Man - fastjack - Diamondback |
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------/
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth Sometimes (Mission Control)
GridPoint (405)920-1347
SysOp-TransDerm-Nitro (First Conquest)
Federation Slayers' (806)798-8168
SysOp-Big Red Fed
The Starchy White Boy BBS (803)###-####
SysOp-Fastjack (Moved to South Carolina, number available soon)
Light My Fire (806)795-4926
SysOp-Ailanthus
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779
SysOp-Diamondback
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948
SysOp-Longshot
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259
SysOp-Brazen (Eastern Outpost)
Club Baby Seal (817)429-4636
SysOp-Zippy (Penile Implant Site)
/---------------\
copyright (c) 1994 by Lobo and Seth Sometimes of GwD Inc. :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo: GwD :
All rights reserved to Grene and her Quest \---------------/
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"Cow Stompin'! (ohhhhh boy)"
by Seth Sometimes
Since many people think that GwD is a rip-off of cDc, I've decided to
write a file on cows. Not dead one's though..real, live, smelly cows.
During the summer, I sometimes go to my Grandmother's ranch to work
cattle..my father bundles the family up in ye olde mini-van and carts up to
there on some timeless Friday night and we are dragged out of bed the next
morning to find that we are in fact over 120 miles from home and that it is 4 in
the morning. Ouch. Not a pleasant feeling, believe me...and to compound this
amazing way to start the day we are informed to get dress as we must go Cow
Stompin' for the rest of the day. Oooh. Fun. We climb into some pickup truck and
head down to whatever pasture we're working this morning and promptly fall
asleep again...we are waken 2 or 3 hours later to find that the sun has risen
and the cows are all in the pens... Out of the pickup we head (I keep saying
'we', what I mean is my sister and I, my mother sleeps in and helps make
lunch..) My sister takes care of the shots. Cow shots do not look like regular
syringes, because cow hides are a lot tough than our skins; no their shots look
like some crappy water gun with an inch-long needle at the end. My job is to
help flank the cattle...a *mite* tougher than sticking a shot into a cow. There
are several other experienced cow men with us..My father not included..oh, he's
there, but I would not classify him as one of these guys...Rough, usually lean,
not all tall, and not all with cowboy hats on..my uncle (a quiet, hard man who
hardly ever cracks a smile) wears a fisherman's hat, it works better...I wear an
infamous baseball hat (with some ad for farming on it..)..while my cousin Carey,
destined to become one of the cow men, wears a standard cowboy hat. Carey is
going into 7th grade, he lives with his parents and sister out "across the dirt
road" from my grandparents, and they live about 30 minutes from the nearest
town, Clarendon. Amy (my other cousin) helps vaccinate with my sister... Carey
flanks the cows with me, in between his jovial banter with the cow men...So
basically, the jobs are divided like this..The cow men, Carey, and me all flank
(and/or rope; they take turns roping the cows, more on that later though) while
one of the cow men brand, and my sister and Amy do the various shots, my uncle
castrates the bulls and slits the ears (no, I don't know why..), and my
grandfather ear tags 'em. I'll describe these various ministrations by
describing the whole process...First off, one of the cow men is on his horse,
and he mills around among the cattle until he finds a calf (we only work the
calves this way, the cows are done later..) he then tries to get the calf to
move, when the unwary calf does move, he ensnares it's hind legs in his lasso
and tightens the loop around the calf's ankles, he then spurs his horse and
drags the calf backwards and the flankers run out to do their job; in this case,
I'm running out with Carey because it's a small calf.. Carey and I run out, I
grab the rope, while Carey grabs the tail, I then pull up and out on the rope
while Carey pulls down and in, causing the calf to fall on his side, hard. I
pull the rope off the calf's ankles and spread the cows hind legs by sticking my
left foot behind it's ankle and grabbing the other ankle with my hands and
pulling the legs as far apart as I can...Carey grabs the top leg and puts it
in a "cow nelson" (which is just him folding the leg at the knee and pushing it
down onto the cows side) some kind soul comes over and steps on the other fore
leg and thus we pin all four legs. This is a great spectacle. Me, sitting on the
ground (or sometimes in a pile of cow shit) with one foot shoved behind one leg
and the other foot being sat upon by the cow and pulling the legs apart, Carey
putting all his meager weight upon the cows fore leg trying to hold onto it,
with the cow grunting and trying with all it's might to kick us off...When we
have the calf securely pinned, my sister and Amy come over and give it all the
medicine and what-not, while my uncle comes and cuts the cows scrotum and yanks
out its testes, he then goes to the head and slits the ears (to mark it, I
think..)... My grandfather (like most Thornberrys, lean and a little over 6')
puts on the ear tags, then my father comes over and uses the dehorning tool to
take out the just-forming horns, once the horns are cut off, the place where the
horns were starts spraying blood over everything..which isn't that bad, since
the blood is a lot prettier than anything else out there...once the horns are
out, someone comes over with the branding iron and brands the calf..Great smells
out there: cow, cow shit, and burnt cow....once everything is done, I grab the
tail, Carey gets up, then the cow does and pulls me to my feet...This continues
until all the calves are taken care of, with the cow men trading off roping
every 5-6 calves...and us trading off flanking depending upon size, the sizes
range from small calves (about to your waste and around 70-100 pounds) to the
large ones (which are basically cows, stomach to chest height, 200-300 pounds)
Once all the calves have been worked, the cows are run through the shoot, (an
enclosure about 3-4 feet wide and the length depends upon the size of the lot,
supposedly enough room for one cow to fit in line comfortably..ha.) and given
their various vaccinations, but after the calves are done, my sister and I stand
around and look like the city-dwellers that we are...Once the cows are done,
they rejoin their young and all are sprayed with insect repellent. That's it..
for this pasture..We all head in to the house..To eat the most amazing food in
the world. My grandmother is a breath-taking cook. After lunch, it's off to work
the next pasture and then off to bed...only for this all to be repeated
tomorrow. Ugh.
Ok. there. I finally did it. It's crappy, I could have done a much
better job on it, if I had written it about 4 hours ago, but I didn't have time
then, so there it is. Enjoy it or not. I've finally written it after over a year
of procrastination about it. Bah.
------------------------------[GwD Command Centers]-----------------------------
Chaos (806)797-7501 | Club Baby Seal (806)XXX-XXXX
GridPoint (405)920-1347 | Static Line (806)747-0802
Federation Slayers' (806)798-8168 | The Anti-BBS (806)763-3549
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779 | PCI (806)793-3302
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948 | The Sprawl (806)797-0820
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259 |
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Starchy White Boy BBS and Light My Fire are down, but may go back up at any
time. And Club Baby Seal is private with weird hours. Yeah. We'll keep you
posted. Only because we're nice. Yeah.
/---------------\
copyright (c) 1994 by Seth Sometimes of GwD Inc. :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo: GwD :
All rights reserved and other such legal crap. \---------------/
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD31
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"BBSes"
by Sir Flea
Here's a post by Sir Flea that came about during a rather large flame war on
the Snake's Den. It is actually relevant to society at large, so I thought you
might like to read it. It was originally a post, so bear with us. Here goes:
It's time for another fucking long post that everyone with spacebar through.
First, what does BBS stand for? Bulletin Board System. Bulletin board, as
in post messages for other people to read. INFORMATION. Not faking who you
really are because you're too much of a pussy to face the person. So you decide
to take it to the boards where everyone is equal and size doesn't matter. It's
the little man's refuge. And the pussy's playtoy. BBS's were made in the faith
that it would be a great way of communicating and change of information. And it
was, until we got into the higher speeds, and we realized we could be COOL and
be WAREZ D00D. So then we got the idea, that the new people who just on were
just plain stupid. And we were better than them because we were WAREZ D00DS.
And we were, for a little while. Then we realized that they were learning, and
soon they had faster modems, we looked for support from our friends, and we
realized that we didn't have any. We had been so busy congratulating ourselves
that we forgot who and what really mattered. Damnit, why does the Human Race
have to destroy itself all the time. We see it everywhere. Goddamnit....we
won't live to see our grandchildrens' 10 birthday's.
I don't know the purpose of this post, I just threw alot of shit out.
For those of you who read it, oh well.
------------------------------[GwD Command Centers]-----------------------------
Chaos (806)797-7501 | Club Baby Seal (806)XXX-XXXX
GridPoint (405)920-1347 | Static Line (806)747-0802
Federation Slayers' (806)798-8168 | The Anti BBS (806)763-3549
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779 | PCI (806)792-3302
The Siege Perilous (806)793-3779 | The Sprawl (806)797-0820
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259 |
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/---------------\
copyright (c) 1994 by Sir Flea of GwD Inc. :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo: GwD :
All rights reserved to The Guy What Wears Green \---------------/
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD32
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"Silliness Begets More Silliness"
by Zen and Aracnia
%%%% Here is an interesting and quite witty post on The Snake's Den by Zen: %%%%
you know if you swallow chewing gum, it stays in your tummy for 7 years?
if you swallow watermelon seeds, then a watermelon grows in your tummy?
storks bring babies to parents, they don't do that sickening act known as sex.
smoking IS good for you... and so is driving drunk... and crack...
the neatest way to die is by drowning.... i know it is, i have done it.
pepsi is NOT the choice of a new generation.
beer will not make you happy... won't make people like you... it's all false!
mcdonalds doesn't make burgers out of cows, it's your long lost little
sibling that you are eating.
technology is bad.... change is bad... but changing technology is good
are you down with the weasel?
are you down with the cow?
are you going down on someone/something right now?
are you getting up right now?
are you getting down?
are you going up and down?
should you really be reading all of this?
should i really be typing all of this?
should you try drugs?
should i shoot myself?
should i shoot you?
should i use bounce in my laundry?
should i drink the water from the tap?
what kind of detergent is best?
the more expensive something is, the better the quality.
the longer you think about doing something, chances are you will end up not
doing it.
can you surf?
as your doctor, i advise you to start drinking heavily.
is there really a god?
how do i know that i am not dreaming right now?
how am i to know that you are not dreaming all of this?
is this a dream or is this reality?
how do you tell the difference between good and bad?
do you really think that you are smart?
who is to say who is smart and who is not?
some people can be smart, and still have the common sense of a wooden nickel.
some people can have TONS of common sense and be as dense as a rock.
einstein was a genius, but he was also certifiably insane.
hitler was a genius.... people just misunderstood him.
and that, my little mindless followers, is all i have to say at the moment.
i will get in touch with you again later.
%%%% And here is Aracnia's witty yet neat reply: %%%%
Space Bar alert...
Z> you know if you swallow chewing gum, it stays in your tummy for 7 years?
Yes
Z> if you swallow watermelon seeds, then a watermelon grows in your tummy?
Yes
Z> storks bring babies to parents, they don't do that sickening act known as sex
That's a good thing otherwise we'd have a million drunk storks running around
like in the cartoons..
Z> smoking IS good for you... and so is driving drunk... and crack...
Smoking makes you cough up green and blue things... Driving is good...Drunk
is what storks are... Crack...Don't do drugs that are named after a part of
your ass...
Z> the neatest way to die is by drowning.... i know it is, i have done it.
I was held under the water for an extensive amount of time when I was young..
Z> pepsi is NOT the choice of a new generation.
No, it's not! Dr. Pepper and C0k3 are..
Z> beer will not make you happy... won't make people like you... it's all false
Beer makes you piss a lot...and it makes your breath stink...
Z> mcdonalds doesn't make burgers out of cows, it's your long lost little
Z> sibling that you are eating.
I always wondered where my half sister when to...
Z> technology is bad.... change is bad... but changing technology is good
Like Mini-Disks instead of CD players
Z> are you down with the weasel?
Yes
Z> are you down with the cow?
Yes
Z> are you going down on someone/something right now?
No, I'm not...but I HAVE gotten it on with someone before...:)
Z> are you getting up right now?
No, But are YOU getting IT up right now???
Z> are you going up and down?
No, not at the exact moment, but I have before...:)
Z> should you really be reading all of this?
No, you shouldn't be reading this either...
Z> should i really be typing all of this?
No, I shouldn't be writing this either...
Z> should you try drugs?
No, they make your dick small
Z> should i shoot myself?
No, although...it doesn't make your dick small...well, unless you shoot it...
Z> should i shoot you?
No, please don't...I'm only 15.
Z> should i use bounce in my laundry?
Yes, they give your laundry a non-clinging feeling and fresh scent..
Z> should i drink the water from the tap?
No, A communist, Nazi plot is to poison the tap water of Lubbock..
Z> what kind of detergent is best?
Tide with Alternative Bleach..so your clothes look new and don't fade
Z> the more expensive something is, the better the quality.
Not necessarily
Z> the longer you think about doing something, chances are you will end up not
Z> doing it.
That's right...It's called Procrastination...
Z> can you surf?
No.
Z> as your doctor, i advise you to start drinking heavily.
Mike, you're NOT a doctor
Z> is there really a god?
No
Z> how do i know that i am not dreaming right now?
You don't...
Z> how am i to know that you are not dreaming all of this?
You don't...
Z> is this a dream or is this reality?
Both
Z> how do you tell the difference between good and bad?
You don't
Z> do you really think that you are smart?
Yes
Z> who is to say who is smart and who is not?
Hmmm....interesting question
Z> some people can be smart, and still have the common sense of a wooden nickel
Yeah...like me, wait no, that's not right...
Damnit....someone distracted me so I am forced not to post anymore babblings
because I accidentally saved it...oops...
Oh well...it's better that way I guess
-- end --
%%%% Anyway, I left them in their original posted form so you could read %%%%
%%%% them in the proper order, instead of jumping straight to the reply. %%%%
%%%% Aww, yeah! %%%%
------------------------------[GwD Command Centers]-----------------------------
Chaos (806)797-7501 | Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259
GridPoint Durant (405)920-1347 | Pirate's Cove (806)795-4926
Federation Slayers' (806)798-8168 | The Anti BBS (806)763-3549
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779 | PCI (806)792-3302
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948 | The Sprawl (806)797-0820
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/---------------\
copyright (c) 1994 by Zen and Aracnia of GwD Inc. :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo: GwD :
All rights reserved to He Who Is Silly and Green \---------------/
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD33
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"Drive By Water Gunnings: A Practical Approach"
by Bill Hooper
-[ Note ]-
The author is in no way responsible for the actions of those who have read
this file. This file is for entertainment and informational purposes ONLY.
-[ Introduction ]-
There is an age when trick or treating loses its appeal, and people look
for other methods of entertainment on Halloween. One of the oldest pastimes
on Halloween is the generic water ballooning. This method is entertaining
for a while, though it loses its appeal if you are in a small car, disal-
lowing you to utilize your whole body to throw the water balloon, or it
explodes before it leaves the car. With the currently available equipment,
Water Gunning is a practical alternative.
-[ Equipment ]-
The main tool used in water gunning is the water gun. There are a myriad
of water guns on the market today. I, however, have found the Super Soaker
series by some toy company to be the most effective. These guns can run from
about $5.00 to over 20 dollars. You should choose a type by your current
financial situation. For serious gunnings, I suggest the Super Soker 200.
This gun has a huge water resevoir, and because you are in a car, the weight
is no matter. I have achieved great results from a 50, though there have been
times the range was insufficient. The 20 is an excellent gun for its price
and size. This gun is good if you are in a cramped environment, and lack the
room necessary for a good aim with a 50 to 200. The car that you use is
essencial to your success. For group activities, a car such as a suburban is
best, though I prefer the small type.
-[ Preparation ]-
When you are water gunning, there are a few essentials. First, you must have
a designated driver (preferably sober). Do not attempt to drive and shoot by
yourself! You will either miss your target completely, or end up hitting
someone with your car. Always keep a few towels in the car, as water guns
usually leak a bit, and sometimes the wind blows water back into the car.
Extra water is not useually required, unless you plan to go on an all
nighter.
-[ Step One: Finding A Target ]-
First you must find a set target before you begin shooting. Random shots are
useually less efficient and result in misses and wasted water. The targets I
suggest are jr. high and high school students. Useually, people that have
reached this age can take being shot as a joke, which is all that it really
is. Next, make sure there aren't any parents around. Most parents or adults
have the common sense to take down your liscense plate number, and that is
the last thing that you would want to happen. If you do find a good target,
always ensure an escape route. The stupidest thing to do is to execute an
excellent drive by and get stuck in traffic. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, check
for police. You wouldn't expect it, but police do patrol some neighborhoods
during Halloween.
-[ Step Two: The Approach ]-
A good approach will allow you to get your target by suprise. After you have
set a target in front of you, kill your lights and accellerate a bit. If you
have passed the target, circle around the block, and execute a from the rear
approach (kill lights, accellerate). The front end approach is a bit more
difficult. When approaching from the front, make sure your guns are hidden.
Next slow down, but don't stop, or slow excessively till the last moment! I
feel the rear approach is best, because the facial expressions of the targets
are much more amusing. During the approach, those that are using super
soakers should pump the guns.
-[ Step Three: Tracking ]-
To get a good shot, you should track your target. To track effectively, a
rear approach must be made. When you are approx. 50 ft from the target, stick
your nozzle out the window, and point it at the target as you approach. This
action will ensure that you have a clear shot, and that your aim is correct.
Again, tracking should only be used in a rear approach! If you do a front end
approach, you will be forced to pull and shoot.
-[ Step Four: The Shot ]-
This is what you have been working for. At this point, you must have executed
all of the above that apply to you successfully. When you are close enough
for a clean shot, the driver should either stop, or slow to engine idling
speed. My best shots have been from about 5 to ten feet. Keep the nozzle
aimed directly at the target, and apply a gentle but firm pressure. Allow
only about 2 to 5 seconds for a shot, then accellerate out.
-[ Step Five: Accellerating Out ]-
This step is self explanatory. Apply a firm pressure to the accellerator, and
take the planned escape route, or take the first turn possible. Make sure you
watch out for little kids that might jump in front of you, the last thing you
want to do is get a big dent on your hood. Don't turn back on your lights
till you are around the corner.
-[ Extra ]-
The most imporant part to a drive by party is a good driver. Choose a driver
with good judgement, and common sense. ALLWAYS look out for police!
-[ Games ]-
You can make up any game you want when you do drive bys; here is one
suggestion:
Extra Bonus Target
Moving ( Roller Blade/Skate, Bike, O }---- 100 pts.
Skateboards, etc..) --|-- \
= 40 pts. | |--- 30 pts.
Costumes / \ /
Vampires = 15 pts. _| |_ }---- 10 pts.
Princesses = 15 pts.
Cowboys = 10 pts.
Cheerleaders = 20 pts.
Add Your Own...
Scoring Table
_____________|------------Target # And Points Accquired-----------------|___
Name_________|_1__|__2__|__3__|__4__|__5__|__6__|__7__|__8__|__9__|__10_|Tot|
_____________|____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|___|
_____________|____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|___|
_____________|____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|___|
_____________|____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|___|
_____________|____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|___|
_____________|____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|___|
_____________|____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|_____|___|
Have fun!
------------------------------[GwD Command Centers]-----------------------------
Chaos (806)797-7501 | Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259
GridPoint Durant (405)920-1347 | Pirate's Cove (806)795-4926
Federation Slayers' (806)798-8168 | The Anti BBS (806)763-3549
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779 | PCI (806)792-3302
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948 | The Sprawl (806)797-0820
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/---------------\
copyright (c) 1994 by Bill Hooper of GwD Inc. :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo: GwD :
All rights reserved to The Holder of the Green Water Gun \---------------/
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD34
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"Literary Publications by S & S"
by Seth Sometimes and Lasher
*** This file is the combination of an article by Seth and an editorial by ***
*** Lasher. They were originally printed in the Lubbock High newspaper. ***
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overpopulation besieges us, our country over floweth. No less in the halls
of ye olde Lubbock High, idle students mill in the halls causing congestion and
curses.
How many times have you been stuck in the second floor hall behind the
mindless moron who, for no apparent reason turns and proceeds to yell to his
friend in theater, first floor? What goes through your mind as your vital and
shortened passing period passes by and you are stuck behind Mr. Ranting-Boy, or
even worse, stuck behind the guy who is stuck behind the guy who is stuck behind
the guy behind Mr. Ranting-Boy? What about when you have just enough time to
speed-walk to your class, and suddenly the 6th year senior in front of you
decides he's had too hard of a day and he needs to take a nap, right there, in
the middle of the hall. When these things happen, what goes through your mind?
Hatred? Death? Naughty Words? Suicide? Well, maybe that's just me, but no
student may say that he has not had to deal with this each and every day.
This year LHS has the great honor of hosting its largest sophomore class
ever, over 800 fresh out Jr. High neophytes to help clog up the halls with
sounds and bodies. Yes, sophomore pinball has always been a great way to
relieve the stress of the day, but with a shortened passing period and over 800
sophomores, there just isn't time enough for you and your sophball to get to
class. Besides, this is school, and 800 sophballs is exceeding the allotment of
"fun" that you are allowed to have, so you not only get a lunch detention, but
you also get an "enjoying themselves, just too much" citation.
Of course, the sophomores aren't the entire problem, the bulk of the crowds
in the halls are created by those with ever-so-much care about their student
career. I know sometimes, you just have to stop and talk to Bob, or walk about
2 feet a minute and stare at your shoes, but face it, you can only talk to Bob
so much, and those worn old converse just aren't that interesting.
Then there are those who can't pass any acquaintance in the hall without the
thought going through their mind "Gee, they didn't say anything, so they must
not have seen me, I better go make them notice me", these accursed individuals
then proceed to plow through everyone behind them, causing great havoc, hatred
and generally bad mind sets.
None are so bad as the ones who prefer not to go to class and instead feel
the need to choose the busiest spot possible, mainly in hall intersections, and
discuss the meaning of life, or something equally as important, gossip. These
socialites are the very bane of any hall walker's existence.
Our stairs are just unthinkable to even attempt to use with the popular guys
who simply must wait betwixt floors for their friend Fred who has their Algebra
II homework. I've seen cows with less body mass than these. Fred is dead, get
moving.
Then there are those who just can't stand to sit idle for any, no matter how
meager, amount of time. Ah, you finally make it to class, quick drop your books
and run into the hall to mill around! Can't be in class a second more than we
have to 'eh?
You're all beautiful people, but I don't want to touch you. Clear the
halls.
-Seth Sometimes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
School is typically portrayed as a non fun, rather boring, unexceptionally
monotonous learning experience. With something to keep the students
entertained, like a dog or elephant, school would most likely improve a bit.
Allowing pets in school would be one of the most wonderful things that ever
happened here, and besides some people get lonely around lunchtime, and need
some company.
There are a few negative aspects to having pets in school, like the strange
50 ft chickens running rampant from the biology lab. There would be a few gang
fights between vicious animals like wolverines and badgers. And there would be
more tardies issued, because of pets walking their students.
The good sides of having pets in school greatly outweigh the bad sides.
Pets would help students stay sane in school, and they look pretty also. For
instance those people who have no friends at school would finally have someone
or something to accompany them. There would be all kinds of new food in the
cafeteria like "Broiled Bunny Rabbit" or "Fido Pat‚." Also, the money we will
be making off the vending machines for pet food and snacks will raise the school
budget.
There would be no littering in class, for some student would have an animal
that eats anything and everything that even pretends to move. Students that
sleep in class could have a pillow, or for the student that can never get
comfortable, a foot rest.
You could easily load all your books onto a pack mule . . . you could even
load your self onto the mule! It would eliminate many parking problems, because
students would ride their pets to school. Finally, we would better educate our
pets, so that one day they might be world leaders.
The issue of pets in school is viewed as a wonderful idea. In a poll, two
out of three Seths agree that pets on campus should be considered by the school
board for the 1995 school year. Think of all the good times you and your pet
have had together at home, and think of all the good times you and your pet will
have at school.
-Lasher
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/-----------------------***** GwD Propagandists *****--------------------------\
| Lobo - Seth Sometimes - The Lizard King - Spanky McDougal, Sir! - Sir Flea |
| Zippy - Aracnia - Zen - Trojan-Man - fastjack - Diamondback - Bill Hooper |
| Lasher |
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------/
------------------------------[GwD Command Centers]-----------------------------
Chaos (806)797-7501 | Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259
GridPoint Durant (405)920-1347 | Pirate's Cove (806)795-4926
Federation Slayers' (806)798-8168 | The Anti BBS (806)763-3549
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779 | PCI (806)792-3302
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948 | The Sprawl (806)797-0820
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/---------------\
copyright (c) 1994 by Seth Sometimes and Lasher of GwD Inc. :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo: GwD :
All rights reserved \---------------/
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD35
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"The Plot"
by Spanky McDougal, Sir! / Swedish Shef
Ladies and Gentlemen, your comfortable, sheltered, safe little lives are
about to be subjected to a rather rude awakening. The bad boys of God are
a-comin' to town, and I aim to tell their story. The only thing is, us mere
mortal men and women aren't meant to be privy to secrets such as these. As
such, I fear for myself once it gets out that I'm instructing the masses. If I
disappear, TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS! With that in mind, read what follows and be
prepared to make many copies and distribute them. The truth must be known, the
way must be shown. Prepare to have your horizons broadened. . . .
*******************************IN THE BEGINNING*********************************
God created the world. Not the same world we know and love now, to be sure,
but a world pretty much like it. The main difference was the dinosaurs walked
the earth. Now, these big beasts didn't have too much use. They didn't do a
whole lot, except eat and make baby dinosaurs (along with a copious amount of
dinosaur shit). Still, they were there for a reason. To make fossils. Now,
why would God want fossils? Easy. So people would see them and NOT believe in
them. It's true--when the things were first discovered, a lot of folks thought
they had to be a hoax, because God would never let a species go extinct.
Therefore, it was a test of faith. Ideally, people would see the bones, tell
the scientists to go to hell, and go back to church. Points for God. Now, of
course, Satan wouldn't let this go unchallenged. HIS big tool in all of this
was an evil, evil man named Darwin. Y'see, early on, the first guy to publish
a theory of evolution was a man named Wallace. Wallace was on a first-name
basis with God. He wrote a theory of evolution, but the idea was that no one
would believe it. See, God's tricky! Slick! Wallace wrote a really bad book,
delineating some really crackpot theories, and no one bought it (the idea or the
book.) The Dark Lord's answer to this was Darwin, who just HAPPENED to be Chief
Naturalist on a ship called the Beagle, which just HAPPENED to be in South
America, which just HAPPENED to be where the Galapagos Islands are, which just
HAPPEN to be the only place in the world where a body can SEE evolution take
place. If you haven't figured it out yet, although evolution is real, WE'RE NOT
SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT. Very important bit of dogma, it will help in the
comprehension of the theory. Darwin, motivated by the stench of brimstone, went
back to England. He'd had all of this dumped in his lap, but he still needed to
be hit on the head to produce. This was accomplished by the sending of a copy
of Wallace's book by an unknown patsy to Darwin, who read it and thought, "Hmmm.
I could make a killing with this!" Once again, greed motivating evil. He wrote
HIS book, containing HIS theory of evolution. The only difference between the
two books is this - Wallace worked with a holy sense of naive innocence, while
Darwin had the dubious benefit of the cunning of the Devil at his side.
Needless to say, the corrupt Victorian age snapped up Darwin's book and made him
a wealthy man. Even worse, peoplebegan to believe Darwin's theories. There
were, of course, those few who didn't believe. These people exist today (like
the Flat Earth Society) but are mostly thought of as crackpots and lunatics
(like the Flat Earth Society). Satan, not one to hedge bets, realized that the
best way to prove evolution is to advance technology. Tech means satellites to
find fossils, X-Rays to look at them with, and schools to train Satan's
vanguard, paleontologists. What, I ask you, is the biggest catalyst of
technology? Again, simple - War. You cause war, you advance the tech. If not
for WWII, we in all probability would not be in possession of the jet engine.
Ergo, Mr. Naughty causes several major wars and revolutions, sparking all human
technology past what The Plan calls for. People ask me, "Reverend, if God is
perfect, why doesn't he know this is going to happen before hand?" Easy. He
does. God, of course, is the consummate sportsman, and destiny is the ultimate
sport. Ergo, he ignores his precognisance in order to even the odds.
Unfortunate for some, yes, but who are we to argue the rules of the game?
Anyway, a patient and trained eye can see evidence of Satan's doings in most of
the wars of the past two centuries. The biggest marker is, to the point of
being cliched (although that is a horrible thought) is the Holocaust. Other
examples would be the use of sulfur as a gas weapon, 'ethnic cleansing,' and
Lenin's persecution of the church. All of this, aside from killing the faithful
and eroding the people's faith in a benevolent God, takes away most, if not all,
of any kind of support that could be scientifically drummed up in favor of the
creation story. That, of course, is the point. But, did I mention God is
sneaky? Slick? Sly? That he is boys and girls, that he is. He has his own,
secret representatives on Earth. To demonstrate this point, we must first
understand that Satan's forces in the terrestrial plane are, in the main, the
GRU. The GRU is the Russian military secret police, which influences the KGB,
which influences the governments of the entire Warsaw pact. A delicate chain,
but a deadly one. Now, who on this green earth hates the Red Bear above all
others? This one's a toughie - Fidel Castro. Castro's revolution was funded by
the KGB (and, presumably, the GRU). Somewhere along the line, the decision was
made to withdraw funding because they didn't think the man could pull it off.
Despite the fact that support was nixed at the worst possible moment, Castro did
it anyway. An unbelievable coup, and one that sparked an awe-inspiring hatred
between the two countries. The Cuban missile crises is evidence of this - the
Russians trying to take advantage of Cuba, and the Cubans trying to steal
Russian uranium (they did, by the way). Castro struck a deal with God - Cuba
would do anything God said to hurt the Russians, and God would supply Cuba with
financial miracles. It should be noted that this is an alliance of convenience;
Castro is neither a wise nor particularly holy man. But how to hurt the
Russians? We can see that the GRU is trying to suppress fossil evidence that
sheds light on inaccuracies of the theory of evolution. Certain human fossils
in Ethiopia reportedly were as old as the dinosaurs...and then Ethiopia
disappeared behind the early Iron Curtain, shutting researchers out! The Peking
Man disappeared from RED China! This is NOT a coincidence! So, obviously,
Castro means to disrupt the theory of evolution. How? For a period of about
forty years, there are NO especially revolutionary Soviet scientific
developments, except perhaps in aeronautics. Why? All Russian theoretical
scientists of any not and/or talent had been posted to what I like to call the
Perchorsk Projekt - an effort to create a working prototype time machine.
Research of this type has been banned by several major secret Cold War treaties,
but that didn't stop everyone from trying to build an Intrusion Device (ID). Of
course, only the Russians built a working model, and it doesn't work very well.
Very risky business, time travel. What's important is that IT WASN'T BUILT IN
RUSSIA. Why? The Wallachians. Wallachia is (was) a tiny little country on the
border of Russia. It was one of the first countries annexed in the early days
of the USSR. Now, Wallachia has been conquered many times in the past, but this
really pissed them off. Enough is enough, they thought, what now? So, a grand
tradition passed from Wallachian Ma's and Da's is the grand old sport of selling
secrets. There's nothing a Wallachian loves more than getting himself posted to
a high level job and then selling world class super-espionage style secrets for
a pocketful of rubles. They're not in it for the money, really. No one does
revenge like a Wallachian. Since these people are ethnically identical to the
average Russian, the government knew it could never screen everyone who came
into contact with Perchorsk. So, they moved it out of country, where a few
scientists could observe the work of foreign technicians. Where? To Cuba, of
course. See, the GRU didn't knowhow far along the Projekt was, and the ID teams
didn't know about the plans to leave Cuba. So, in the quick pullout, all of the
research and blueprints of the working prototype (the Cubans call it Domingo)
were left behind. It's important to realize that the ID only goes in reverse -
no trips to tomorrow. Also, you can't go any farther back than, at the least,
four hundred years. I don't know for a fact, because this figure is arrived at
by extrapolation. All one needs to do is look at all the things they WOULD
change if they COULD, and see what they obviously haven't touched. Four hundred
years. It could be four flat or four thousand, only a few people know and they
aren't talking. But what to do with Domingo? Easy. Remember the uranium the
Cubans got from the Russian Maldavia ICBMS? A little bit here, a little bit
there, and every Russian missile goes home a few ounces lighter than it arrived.
That, obviously, will become the seeds of Cuba's nuclear program. It can be
easily seen that they will soon be a financial superpower (God is giving them
money miracles, and when God does a miracle, he does it right), so why not a
military one? Cubans from the future must be using their nukes to zip back a
few million years and detonate them, airburst-style, to spread radiation over a
wide area. Why? To kill the dinosaurs. Why? Because then, scientists will
see that ALL the dinosaurs died within a few years of each other due to the
effects of modern day nuclear weapons. This will have two possible effects -
1) Everyone will see that this is impossible, and believe that the entire
theory of evolution and the whole deal with fossils was just one big
prank.
Test of faith passed (eventually), points for God.
and -
2) The ensuing debate over what really happened will disgust the public,
who will give up the entire theory of evolution as a bad job start to
finish.
With a little tweaking, the results are the same as 1). Either way,
points for God.
There is supporting evidence to all of this. For instance, why is there a trade
embargo on Cuba? Because the oil companies control the government. And why
don't the oil companies want Cuba to succeed? Because oil is dinosaurs and
plants. If the Cubans succeed, they will not only move all the world's major
oil reservoirs (all the dinosaurs will die in a different place, and the plants
will be in different concentrations) but contaminate it with gamma particles.
But why hasn't Cuba succeeded yet? Because indiscriminate airborne nukes would
kill all the people alive then (the fossils in Ethiopia) and all the things that
evolve into our current world's flora and fauna (remember, just 'cause we're not
supposed to believe in evolution doesn't mean it's not true). To get around
this, the Cubans have taken a represent-active sample of everybody and
everything, are breeding them in huge underground caverns with ultraviolet
lights to ingrain a natural radiation resistance. Later, they will all be
exported back home, where they will breed and provide the basis for the fact
that everything alive today is about 20X as radiation-resistant as we should be.
'Till now, no one knew why. Of course, this breeding takes time. Once the
breeding programs have succeeded, our world will change drastically. Time to
learn Spanish, boys and girls.
*****************************************************************************
by the rev. k. colin mcroberts (spanky mcdougal, swedish shef)
thanks to mike and all the guys at quarterman for helping me crystallize this
idea at 2 am. it must have been hard when we all had at least a few ounces of
dry lemon-lime flavored gatorade inside us. i don't know - i really don't
remember much. thanks again, and if you disappear, i'll tell all our friends.
BELIEVE
------------------------------[GwD Command Centers]-----------------------------
Chaos (806)797-7501 | PCI (806)792-3302
GridPoint Durant (405)920-1347 | The Sprawl (806)797-0820
Federation Slayers' (806)798-8168 | Mogel-Land (215)732-3413
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779 | The Lagoon (914)638-3712
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948 | Altered Reality (203)925-8349
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259 | Cell Block 4 (214)612-8694
Pirate's Cove (806)795-4926 |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/---------------\
copyright (c) 1994 by Spanky McDougal of GwD Inc. :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo : GwD :
All rights reserved \---------------/
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"The Yuletide Caper"
also titled
"The Twelve Days of December"
also titled
"And A Partridge In A Pear Tree"
________________________________________________________________________________
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okefenokee, Missouri
December 14
Dearest John,
I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a
partridge in a pear tree. What a delightfully thoughful gift!
I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and affection,
Abigail
________________________________________________________________________________
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okefenokee, Missouri
December 15
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just
imagine, two turtle doves! I'm just delighted at your very
thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Abigail
________________________________________________________________________________
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okefenokee, Missouri
December 16
Dear John,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must
protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three french
hens! They are just darling, but I must insist, you've been
too kind.
Love,
Abigail
________________________________________________________________________________
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okefenokee, Missouri
December 17
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now
really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is
enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Abigail
________________________________________________________________________________
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okefenokee, Missouri
December 18
Dearest John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden
rings--one for every finger! You're just impossible, but I
love it. Frankly, all those squawking birds were getting on
my nerves.
All my love,
Abigail
________________________________________________________________________________
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okefenokee, Missouri
December 19
Dear John,
When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds, huh?
Those geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The
neighbirs are complaining and I can't sleep through the
racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Abigail
________________________________________________________________________________
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okefenokee, Missouri
December 20
John,
What's with you and those fucking birds?? 7 swans a
swimming! What kind of crappy joke is this? There's bird
shit all over the house and they never stop with the
racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck;
it's not funny. SO stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely yours,
Abigail
________________________________________________________________________________
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okefenokee, Missouri
December 21
OK Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I
going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough
with all these birds and 8 maids a milking, but they
had to bring those ridiculous cows!! There is shit
all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house.
Just lay off me, smartass.
Abigail
________________________________________________________________________________
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okefenokee, Missouri
December 22
Hey Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's
9 pipers piping--and Hells Bells, do they play!!
They have never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset
and they are stepping all over the screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Abigail
________________________________________________________________________________
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okefenokee, Missouri
December 23
Your Rotten Sonofabitch,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why
I even call those sluts ladies. They've been balling
those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep
and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of
shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoened me
to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm siccing the police on you.
One who means it,
Abigail
________________________________________________________________________________
Miss Abigail Forthrightly
Goody Two Street
Okefenokee, Missouri
December 24
Listen Asshole,
What's with the 11 lords a leaping on those maids
and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again.
Those pipers have run through the maids, and have been
committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 of the birds
are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I
hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Abigail
________________________________________________________________________________
Bindum, Twistum, and Gougem
Attorneys At Law
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
910 Upyurs Avenue St. Louis, Missouri
December 25
John Bedeviler
85 Ornery Avenue
Annoyance, Missouri
Dear Sir:
This is to ackonwledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our
client, Miss Abigail Forthrightly. The destruction, of
course, was total. All correspondence should come to
our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss
Forthrightly at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendents
have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this
letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Bindu, Twistum, and Gougem
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
A friend of mine gave that to me. It has no author listed, but I thought it was
damn funny.
-Lobo
12/24/94
________________________________________________________________________________
Merry Christmas and all that from GwD.
So what if it's a little late? Read it again next year!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------[GwD Command Centers]-----------------------------
Chaos (806)797-7501 | PCI (806)792-3302
GridPoint Durant (405)920-1347 | The Sprawl (806)797-0820
Federation Slayers' (806)798-8168 | Mogel-Land (215)732-3413
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779 | The Lagoon (914)638-3712
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948 | Altered Reality (203)925-8349
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259 | Cell Block 4 (214)612-8694
Pirate's Cove (806)795-4926 |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/---------------\
copyright (c) 1994 GwD Inc. :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo : GwD :
All rights reserved to Green X-Mas wreaths \---------------/
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"|\|3\x/Zzzf!@5h" -- GwD Title #1
also titled "Recruits Sold On Incentive to Serve" -- actual title
also titled "One of Our Own Joins the U. S. Army" -- GwD Title#2
by Ray Westbrook
For those of you that don't know, GwD Member and ex-Dog Type of Guy fastjack has
joined the U.S. Army. The following is an article from the local newspaper
which describes this:
________________________________________________________________________________
Monday, January 9, 1995 (from the Lubbock Avalanche-Journal)
ARMY OFFERS SCHOOL FUNDS TO ENLISTEES
----------------
When a high school senior and his career dreams intersect the military needs
of a nation, sometimes the two can make a deal.
College programs now are offered to students who can score above average on
the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery test, and the military stands to
gain by enlisting the brightest of the nation's sons and daughters to flesh out
its personnel structure.
That indirect route to a college education is taken by a relatively small
number of students, however, according to high school counselors, who say a
previous interest in the military usually accompanies the decision to sign up.
Sherri McCord, Tahoka Independent School District Counselor, said some of
her students go into the military with the specific understanding that they will
receive funds later for college, an agreement she calls a "wonderful process."
However, most of the students in her frame of reference do go directly to
college.
"I can get any student into college with financial aid, those who could not
attend otherwise," she said of available non-military assistance.
She does not direct students to take a particular route. "It's their life,"
she said. "They must make the decisions. I am a facilitator, not a director."
The test is given every two years to Tahoka juniors and seniors who may be
interested in the military.
McCord requires the recruiters to back off for a period of six months after
the tests to give the students adequate time to do some clear thinking on what
they would like to do with the results.
"I will not let the recruiters push my kids. I am very protective in that
sense," she said. "I am going to make sure they understand the benefits and the
pitfalls. And the same thing for college -- college is not all parties and
fun."
Damion White, Michael Marsh [fastjack] and Wanda Jarmon are among area
students who have taken up the military on its proposals of training, job
experience, and college education in exchange for three- to four-year
enlistments. They say if they like the service, they may stay in longer.
Marsh and White graduated from Roosevelt High School in June, and were
scheduled to begin the U.S. Army's basic training Thursday at Fort Knox, Tenn.
Jarmon is still a senior at Lubbock High School, and will begin training as a
medical specialist in the army June 6 at Fort Leonardwood, Mo.
College after the service was the primary motive for Marsh, 18, although he
is keeping his options open to pursue a career in the military.
"It seemed like a good enough thing to me," he said of the Army's offer of a
total of $25,000 for college in exchange for three years of service. "It's
purely fiscal."
White, 19, who also will receive the fund for three years, likes the idea of
the action associated with the military, and uses the word patriotism from time
to time when mentioning motive.
"I decided to go because it's something I have wanted to do for a long time,
since I was a little kid," he said. "I used to watch Rambo movies and figured
out that's what I wanted to do someday."
His grandfather was a soldier in World War II.
"If I decide I like it, I might stay in. I am also trying to be a highway
patrolman somewhere, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it," he said.
Jarmon, 17, who never lets an episode of "ER" go unwatched, also is pursuing
a lifelong dream.
"I signed up for four years mainly for the skill training. I someday hope
to be a doctor."
Although she is not in line for the college fund, she feels the military
will offer a streamlined route into the medical field. "I feel like going into
the military will be easier, less stressful, and there is financial support,"
she said.
Jarmon's mother, Della Cooper, said her daughter had won a $12,500
scholarship to Texas Tech. "She went to classes three summers in a row, but
figured that was not enough. And when the recruiter went to her school, she was
she was interested."
Careful thought was put into the plan.
"This being my only child, this was a hard decision," Cooper said. "We work
-- my husband is a blue collar (worker) -- and the kind of money it takes for
medical school was astronomical to us. We decided that since this was her goal
-- and she had sat through all the conferences and had really thought this
through -- we together made up our minds."
Jarmon has had no second thoughts: "I have about six more months before I
leave, and I am very anxious. I can't wait."
However, Cooper could have waited a while. "I'm having a hard time
realizing that in June she will be gone."
"Once, she said something that thrilled my heart. She had caught me looking
sad, thinking, 'My baby is going to be gone,' and she said 'Mom, think about it
this way: I won't be here in all this garbage that's going on in Lubbock.'"
"All her friends are having (illegitimate) babies," she went on to explain.
"I thank God she has stayed focused on being a physician. I couldn't be selfish
in denying her that extra help because all it would have taken would have been
negative vibes from me."
Marsh said his parents think his decision is great, and White got much the
same reaction.
"My mom is pretty supportive about it. She's been wanting me to do it,"
WHite said.
Many military recruiters are walking testimonials that the military can be a
good deal fro some young people.
Sgt. Angelo Brown of the U.S. Army's Lubbock recruiting station, said, "I
think that the army is a godd start for anybody who is interested in getting
some skilled training and perhaps money for college to further their education."
Brown said he hadn't planned on joining the army as a possible career.
"But due to the fact of all the benefits offered and the opportunities
available, it turned out to be a good thing," he said.
Petty Officer Second Class Todd Spargo, a native of Raton, N.M., and now a
member of the Navy Recruiting Command in Lubbock, also plans to stay for the
duration.
"As for myself, I now go to school at Texas Tech. I am going to stay in as
a career."
When asked if the test is tough, he says, "It is based off a 9th-grade
education. But then again, I have had some students in my own class -- I am a
senior at Tech -- and I had some people come in and take the practice test...
and not pass.
Applicants must pass the test (scoring 31 or better) to qualify for the
military's $14,400 in college funds under the GI Bill, he said.
Those scoring 50 or higher qualify for the Navy College Fund, which together
with the GI Bill can total up to $30,000, he said. The fund would be paid in
increments of up to $833 a month for 36 academic months to full time students
who have served in the navy.
Sgt. Bobby Cook, who recruited White, also is planning a military career.
"I joined for two years initially out of Lubbock High School, and I just
enjoyed it, so I stayed in."
He said his motive at first was the college money.
"I would say that this would be the best way to not only get job experience
-- which is what a lot of employers are looking for -- but also to get some
money for college and to see the world."
________________________________________________________________________________
"Note how fastmike said 'It's purely fiscal' and the other guy wanted to be like
Rambo."
- Zippy
________________________________________________________________________________
-----------------------------[GwD Command Centers]------------------------------
Chaos (806)797-7501 | PCI (806)792-3302
GridPoint Durant (405)920-1347 | The Sprawl (806)797-0820
Federation Slayers' (806)798-8168 | Goat Blowers Anon. (215)750-0392
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779 | The Lagoon (914)638-3712
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948 | Altered Reality (203)925-8349
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259 | Cell Block 4 (214)612-8694
Pirate's Cove (806)795-4926 | Static Line (806)747-0820
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ftp =-= etext.archive.umich.edu /pub/Zines/Greeny
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
copyright (c) 1995 by the Lubbock Avalanche-Journal /---------------\
text file copyright (c) 1995 :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo : GwD :
All rights reserved \---------------/
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"Campaign Against Art Seeks to Stifle Dissent"
by Charles Marowitz
(from _The Dallas Morning News_)
The word from House Speaker Newt Gingrich and others of his political
persuasion is that the arts had better prepare themselves for a bloody nose.
Every artist who receives a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts is
threatened.
I have just started a classically based professional theater in Fort Worth
called Texas Stage and am competing for subsidies with monoliths like the new
Performing Arts Hall and all the established arts institutions in the metroplex.
Large and small alike, all of us are trying to keep our heads above water.
It is a curious paranoia that makes Mr. Gingrich believe all artists are
liberals and determined to subvert the Republicans' Contract With America.
Actually, most artists aren't political partisans. Most adhere to a "curse on
both your houses" philosophy.
Every artist worth his salt is, in some sense, counter-cultural. As English
essayist and poet Matthew Arnold pointed out during the 19th century, art is a
criticism of life, and it is the nature of criticism to air grievances and posit
dissent.
The same kind of democratic spunkiness that Republicans and Democrats
practice in Congress is motivating the work of performing art groups, art
galleries, and individual artists throughout America. Their art is expressing
discontent, questioning established values, and agitating for reform.
These political qualities -- so apparent in playwrights like Arthur Miller
and David Mamet -- are just as present, albeit in a more oblique form, in the
works of "entertainers" like Noel Coward and Neil Simon. You can't practice art
without criticizing life.
The National Endowment for the Arts doesn't sustain any of its artists per
se. It merely contributes to their assistance and legitimizes their efforts in
particular communities so that local patrons will be encouraged to provide
support.
Despite what some people apparently believe, the government's patronage of
the arts isn't a 20th century invention. Indeed, such support was built into
the ideological structure of ancient societies and helped the Renaissance to
take root.
There always has been an assumption that government has an obligation to
assist artists, because art is part of the social fabric that clothes the body
politic. Art subsidies aren't handouts, but, rather, the appropriate return of
tax money to a populace that doesn't wish to live by bread alone.
The threat of withdrawing such government support because of political
paranoia bespeaks a temperament that is intrinsically oppressive and sinisterly
totalitarian; it seeks to suppress criticisms of life and silence dissent.
That is why Mr. Gingrich's campaign against art subsidies is so frightening.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
copyright (c) 1995 by _The Dallas Morning News_
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The above article does not necessarily reflect the views of The Greeny world
Domination Task Force or any of its members. We do, however, urge you to write
to your Congressman and tell him/her what you think of the proposals to cut
funding for programs such as The National Endowment for the Arts and PBS. Your
say does count, despite what anyone has told you.
-----------------------------[GwD Command Centers]------------------------------
Chaos (806)797-7501 | PCI (806)792-3302
GridPoint Durant (405)920-1347 | The Sprawl (806)797-0820
Federation Slayers' (806)798-8168 | Goat Blowers Anon. (215)750-0392
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779 | The Lagoon (914)638-3712
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948 | Altered Reality (203)925-8349
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259 | Cell Block 4 (214)612-8694
Pirate's Cove (806)795-4926 | Static Line (806)747-0820
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ftp =-= etext.archive.umich.edu /pub/Zines/Greeny
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/---------------\
text file copyright (c) 1995 GwD Inc. :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo : GwD :
All rights reserved \---------------/
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD39
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"Issue #2 of the GwD Task Force Newsletter"
by Seth Sometimes and Lobo
The world has always been run, no matter how subtly, by religions.
Religions have always been sneaky that way. Our early tribes were supposedly run
by the chiefs, but the medicine men were the ones who controlled the chief. Oh
how sneaky. During medieval times, Kings ran the land, but the Pope controlled
the kings. For this reason, among some, there is a great resentment for the
sneaky religious leaders. A day has come however, that will change the
sneakiness!
Two k-r@d d00ds have stumbled upon the answer to this problem of all
civilization. These d00ds (of whom, I am one) found a personage of such
guileless descension, he could only have come from our goddess of Truth and
Straightforwardness, Grene. (Also his name is GREENY, this clued us in a little
bit too.)
GwD was founded June 10th 1993, at 12:52:47 A.M. by Seth The Man/Seth
Sometimes and Lobo. All the details of our great religion/task force/emperor-
making were chronicled on our trip to Colorado, so the exact workings out of the
religion spanned 3 states.
GwD stands for: GREENY world Domination. The first being the man who we
will make into Emperor of the entire world (notice, not Emperor's advisor, or
the Pope, or even the Medicine man...see, straightforward domination). The
second being, well, the world. It's not capitalized, because it's not as
important as GREENY, or GREENY's Domination. The last being GREENY's Domination,
which as I said before is capitalized, because it's GREENY's Domination, if it
was any other domination, it would be lower-case, but seeing as it is GREENY's
domination, it is capitalized.
GREENY was born naked, just like us all. Saying this, you may think he
is no better than anyone else. You are wrong, for GREENY has been blessed by
Grene. Grene, as I fleetingly mentioned before, is the Goddess of Truth and
Straightforwardness, but She is much more. Grene is the Goddess of Goodness,
Nudity, Plants and All Things Living, Computers, spring time and all other happy
things. Grene has nurtured mankind because She sees the good we can accomplish
in the universe by populating it. So being such a good and happy Goddess, She
chose GREENY to be Her icon upon Earth.
However, Grene is not the only supreme being in the great green
universe. Redd is the Lord of Lies and Sneakiness. All religions are founded
upon the worship of Redd. You see, Redd is a crafty fellow. He integrated
Himself into mankind's consciousness. Therefore, Redd is the God of Religions,
Telephone Systems, Rocks and all things Inanimate, Clothing, Winter and all sad
things. Redd is evil. He has undermined all of Grene's glorious efforts to save
humanity from itself. He has set Himself up as the God in every church and thus
plans to destroy mankind by pitting us against ourselves.
Our Lord and Master GREENY will allow us to spend lots of money on a
space program so we can populate the universe. This is Grene's Master Plan for
the human race. She has told Seth and Lobo to make GREENY Emperor, using force
if necessary because GREENY is a reluctant dictator. Lobo and Seth founded the
GwD Task Force for this purpose because we know that GREENY is strong with the
spirit of Grene, and it would be nearly impossible to subjugate him alone;
that's why we founded the GwD Task Force.
Just as Grene has Her agent upon the Earth, so does Redd. B0b
Limekiller, the bane of every good droog's existence (a droog is a GwD Task
Force member), is Redd's avatar on Earth. B0b knows that once He has defeated
GREENY he shall be killed, but B0b works for the God of Sadness, so he really
doesn't like his existence anyway. B0b doesn't need his own task force, but he
has one anyway because envy is a part of Redd. His task force is called TOFTAOBL.
We won't go into what that stands for, as you don't need to know. His task force
is composed of morons and generally not intelligent people, because no one with
any intelligence whatsoever would work for the god of depression.
This whole religion was stumbled upon by Lubbock BBSers. For the short
life of this religion, it has gained many followers. Eventually, we will
succeed, hopefully in this incarnation of GREENY's life. So, if anyone ever
corners you yelling "Porno!" and beating their chest, know that you are not in
danger; you are just being vigorously saluted by a droog.
#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&#&
An earlier incarnation of this file was written by Seth and Lobo for the Lubbock
High School newspaper as a feature story. Or something like that.
%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$
NOTICE
FROM: GwD Council
TO: All GwD Members and Anyone Else Who Might Care
REGARDING: fastjack
fastjack has joined the U.S. Army (see gwd38.txt). For this reason, he is
hereby given command of the vast GwD Military Forces because he's the only one
of us with any military experience whatsoever.
Thank you.
()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()
There're too many droogs who keep changing their handles and I'm too lazy to
keep up with it all. No droog list this time. Sorry.
There is a Type of Guy List, though. Blah.
@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Top Worshipper Type of Guy- Lobo
Top Dog Type of Guy- Seth Sometimes
Top Organizer Type of Guy- Ratt Fink
Worshipper Type of Guy- Diamondback
Dog Type of Guy- TransDerm-Nitro
Organizer Type of Guy- The Lizard King
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
/-----------------------***** GwD Propagandists *****--------------------------\
| Lobo - Seth Sometimes - The Lizard King - Spanky McDougal, Sir! - Sir Flea |
| Zippy - Aracnia - Zen - Trojan-Man - fastjack - Diamondback - Bill Hooper |
| Lasher |
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------/
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GwD Command Centers-
Chaos (806)797-7501
SysOp-Seth Sometimes (Mission Control)
GridPoint Durant (405)920-1347
SysOp-TransDerm-Nitro (First Conquest)
Federation Slayers' (806)798-8168
SysOp-Big Red Fed
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SysOp-Izzy
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SysOp-Brazen (Eastern Outpost)
Psycho's Chiropractic Institute
(806)792-3302
SysOp-Psychosomatic Illusion
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SysOp- ??? (Animal Husbandry Site) *
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SysOp-Maximum Overdose (Middle Eastern Outpost)[hey, NY IS middle east US]
Altered Reality (203)925-8349
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Cell Block 4 (214)612-8694
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Static Line (806)747-0820
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* formerly Mogel-Land.
*%*%*%*%*%*%*%*%*%*%*%*%*%
OR ftp etext.archive.umich.edu /pub/Zines/Greeny
for Drive By Shootings On the 'Information Super Highway'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/---------------\
copyright (c) 1995 by Seth Sometimes and Lobo of GwD Inc. :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo : GwD :
All rights reserved to Grene's Immortal Struggle \---------------/
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD40
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"the mogtronix instant inside-joke maker 2000"
by mogel
(i'm a rebel! lower case forever!)
"mommie!@@!1" you cry out loud into the night as you awake from yet
another one of those nightmares with large hairy men that smell like taco
salads in their arm pits. those dreams are getting more realistic by the
day, aren't they? i think it's time to get professional help. mogel help.
inside jokes. the whole idea of it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
a bunch of people that are in some group have a joke and they're the only
ones that get it. i wonder why people can't make universal humor more
often. something like pure wit, that transcends petty goofiness.
what the hell am I talking about? someone slap me next time I babble
like that. the truth is that making special groups and cliques is wonderful
and very human. it's great to leave people out! it makes my butt cheeks
tingle at the very thought of making someone feel like an outsider. that's
why i've put inside jokes down to a study.
check it out, you wanna be the stud at parties don't you?! you want
all the girlies (with big titties!) to come talk to you right. but you
don't have muscles, a personality, looks, or money. what the hell are you
to do? you have nothing to offer anyone. you'll make no friends except
that retard kid down the street that no one talks to because he beats
himself with tree branches and laughs for hours on ends at the site of any
passing blue car. you'll die a 60-year-old virgin. is that a life?! is
that a motherfucking life!? no, it is not a motherfucking life! so, i ask
again in a fit of redundancy, what are you to do?!
enter the 'inside joke'. now you have a chance to tango with the big
boys. when someone walks up to you all you gotta do is say the most goofy,
rude, and asinine thing that comes to your minds.
example:
girlie -> hello. could you move out of the way so I can use the bathroom?
you -> don't you wanna see my 'corpus cavernosum'?
girlie -> oh, only if you wanna put it in my 'posterior commissure'!
see what i mean? here's a good rule to follow: you play stupid -
others will follow. it's as simple as that. on deeper analysis you'll see
that the inside joke is actually a tool to make everyone have something to
talk about, thus there won't be awkward silences that pierce the night like
the rage of a cow being milked.
at this point i'm one hundred percent sure that all of you are saying
to yourselves "this whole thing is all very interesting, eccentric, and
boring at the same time mogel. good job. but how can I make my _own_
inside jokes?!"
phear no more. making inside jokes are easy. they are invented all
the time. there are two more common types:
type 1 - 'i said something oh-so funny! let's totally ruin it's humor!'
this is the type of inside joke where someone has cracked a joke
while a group of you are hanging out. for example, if a group of guys
were sitting at a 2600 meeting and one of them said "let's make a new
type of box for phreakers - the shoe box!" and the other laughed lots
and replied "i'd rather make the sand box."
bingo, following this "conversation" that me and my pal frannie had
once, you see the invention of an inside joke. later, we proceeded to say
"wow! let's hack it!" whenever we came across any form of electronics or
machinery anywhere. basically the idea behind this type of inside joke is
to take something funny that was said in a conversation and relay it in all
it's various varieties over and over again, making the people that know the
joke laugh. this idea is so easy it's a wonder that there's so many losers
that don't get it. just say goofy stuff with a little humor, and if people
laugh go into overkill mode and say the joke until their ears bleed at that
crucial 'this is the right time to say it' time. this type of joke often
dies after a while, but fortunately, it's so easy to create these types of
inside jokes there's no chance of any real conversation with depth or
meaning. yes!@$#!1
type 2 - 'here's something totally random - stick with it forever!'
this is the most interesting type of joke because it makes people
laugh, but (by great irony) it's simply not funny. amazing but true.
i'm told that dead cheese is a master of this fatal special
super-natural ability. well, phear me magical cheese boy - i'm giving
away the secret plans!
this type of inside joke is created by letting your mind sit free and
wander. after you wander you drink a sprite and watch some T.V.
after you watch some t.v. and you masturbate to re-runs of _three's
company_, your mind comes up with a completely and totally random idea.
random meaning something with that oh-so insignificant quality. it's
best when it's something that sounds awkward and is a bit silly.
spam. turnip. rubber wallaby. rutabaga. chumpy galoshes. maple
syrup. toaster hacker. blue severed hamster head. rutabaga.
turtle. paper clip. rudyard kipling.
getting the idea? find that one object and nail the world with it
'til they get so sick of you they want to molest you like the psychotic
kiddie porn downloading ansi-artist you *are*. just accept it and move on
with your life. i know for a fact that abigwar will carry his 'wombat'
thing to his grave. cdc has latched on to the awkwardness of the common
cow. just use it or lose it. that's what I say.
at any rate, i hope this article served as a good introduction into
the exciting and profitable career of inside-jokes. go outside right now
and show off your new talents. that's right! go! run into the woods naked
tell everyone. they'll not only approve - it'll be an (*ding!*) inside
joke. don't go to the bathroom for three weeks and then pee the full load
on your grandma. she'll laugh for days. the possibilities are infinite.
have fun my children, and remember:
it's not what you say - it's how you say it!
-----------------------------<GwD Command Centers>------------------------------
Chaos (806)###-#### | PCI (806)794-1438
GridPoint Durant (405)920-1347 | The Sprawl (806)797-0820
Federation Slayers' (806)885-2954 | Tacoland (215)750-0392
The Snake's Den (806)793-3779 | The Lagoon (203)638-3712
The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948 | Altered Reality (203)925-8349
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259 | Cell Block 4 (806)612-8694
Pirate's Cove (806)795-4926 | Static Line (806)747-0802
PCI (806)794-1438 |
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ftp =-= etext.archive.umich.edu /pub/Zines/Greeny
ftp.fc.net /pub/deadkat/misc/GWD
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
/---------------\
copyright (c) 1995 by Mogel of GwD, Inc. :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo : GwD :
All rights reserved \---------------/
GwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwDGwD41
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"Bob Larson Parts 1 & 2"
GwD, Incorporated is dedicated to the exposing of false prophets. We have found
one such "prophet" in Bob Larson of Bob Larson: Live and formerly of Talk-Back
with Bob Larson. A supposed Christian radio evangelist, Bob Larson is actually
only motivated by financial gain. These 14 articles by Kenneth L. Smith prove
this. From this point on, GwD is anti-Bob Larson.
PART 1
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 93 16:10 EDT
From: "Scott.Mikusko" <21922SM@msu.edu>
Subject: Bob Larson - Christian or Charlatan ?
For those of you who may have read the post concerning Josh McDowell, the
information about Josh was gathered during the course of an investigation being
conducted on Christian writer and radio commentator Bob Larson.
Bob Larson's Talk-Back is heard daily on over 170 stations in North America. The
Denver-based ministry that Larson heads is supposed to be the "cutting-edge" in
Christian broadcasting (or that's what Larson would like you to believe ). But
the real Bob Larson, and the real motives of his work with the ministry is
becoming more apparent as critics are now taking a probing look into the radio
show, the ministry, and Bob Larson himself.
The following article, _The Two Faces of Bob_, first appeared in the Christian
Press Report, an electronic newsletter out of California. (It's permitted for
public distribution in addition to the copyright, I have complete permission
from the author of the article to post this.)
I don't know how many people on the net know of Larson, but I feel that this
information needs to be brought forth.
If you have any comments or questions, please send your responses to
21922sm@msu.edu.
Other posts will be forthcoming.
Thanks very much for taking time to read this.
-Scott Mikusko
21922sm@msu.edu
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> The Two Faces of Bob <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
In an interview with the Evangelical Press, Bob Larson
boasted that "Nobody is accusing me of doing any thing
illegal, immoral, or unethical."[1] So, just call me
nobody. Larson is a pathological liar -- or at the very
least, is in the habit of taking indecent liberties with
the truth. This common thread seems to run through every
aspect of Bob's life. His fetish for falsehoods even is
evidenced by exaggerations of his childhood achievements:
for instance, he asserted in his 1974 book, Hell on Earth,
that he was a child star:
"Bob Larson achieved fame at the age of thirteen when
his first hit song was published. He had his own rock
and roll band at fifteen, and performed on radio and
television over the next years until his career took him
to Convention Hall in Atlantic City."[2]
As often is the case with Bob Larson, reality never
quite matches up with his press releases. Sharla Turman
Logan, the keyboard player for "The Rebels" (Bob's former
band) stated that she knew Bob at thirteen, but "never
heard of any hit song."[3] And although they did in fact
play to a capacity audience at Convention Hall in Atlantic
City, there was a little more to the story than meets the
eye. It seems that they played one song -- at a Lions'
Club convention.[4] The drummer's father was an officer in
the organization; HE booked the gig.
The song: A parody of "Charlie Brown."[5]
Larson's penchant for prevarication can also be seen in
his aborted medical career. On January 5, 1993, Bob
publicly claimed that when he entered the ministry, he was
"only a few credits away" from receiving a degree in
chemistry, and then, going on to medical school.[6] Yet,
Bob graduated from high school in 1962, attended McCook
Junior College for one year, transferred to the University
of Nebraska, and left there in September of 1964.[7]
Unless he truly was a phenomenal student (and there is no
evidence of that), he would not even have been close to
graduating after two years. Maybe not a "lie," but
certainly a gross exaggeration.
Bob Larson would have you believe that he was
independently wealthy before he entered his ministry, and
that he was really doing it for his love of the kids. In
a 1992 interview with Michael Roberts of Westword
magazine, he explained his wealth this way:
"A caller came on the air the other day,' he says,
and made the comment, Is it true that you were a
self-made millionaire before you began the ministry?' I
said no, but I was very close to it, and I had traveled
lecturing professionally for a number of years, before I
ever got involved in the ministry, and was making very,
very large sums of money at the time'."[8]
And on a Denver radio broadcast, he attributed some of
his wealth to his 'success' in the music world:" I have
been involved in gainful employment for 30 years; I was
making a pile of money as a teenager, playing in rock and
roll."[9] But once again, Larson's proud words shatter on
those unforgiving rocks of reality. During his 1991
divorce, he and his ex-wife gave the following testimony:
"Q: [by Mr. Plaut, Bob Larson's attorney] Mr. Larson,
would you tell us as far as lifestyle goes how you and
Mrs. Larson have lived, starting again at the beginning
of the marriage and bringing us up to date.
A: Well, the lifestyle was pretty austere in the
beginning. We had no possessions at the time of the
marriage. I had a car that I was making payments on and
a few hundred dollars in the bank. And it was pretty
much that way for quite a while, until I got involved in
selling books and speaking. And then, as Mr. Guthery
pointed out earlier, there was really no serious
escalation in our lifestyle until the last few years,
when the cumulative success of building the organization
allowed the organization to compensate me much better
than they had."[10]
_________________________
"Q: ([To Mrs. Larson] By Mr. Frazin [her attorney] What
exactly did you do -- what were your duties when you
first got started with the ministry?
A: [Kathy Larson] As Bob described, when we first got
the ministry, we had a car with payments and a little
trailer we pulled behind the car. And eventually then
we bought a trailer house we pulled behind the car ...
It was a very humble beginning...."[11]
First, even if Bob made a pile of money playing rock and
roll, it was all gone when he married Kathy during 1968.
Second, if he was nearly a millionaire when he opened the
ministry, and barely a millionaire now, he cannot possibly
account for his statement that "there was really no
serious escalation in [their] lifestyle until the last few
years." Therefore, either he lied in court ... or on the
air. When the dust settles, this much is obvious: Bob did
not make his fortune in real estate, rock and roll, or
anywhere else. He made it from the ministry -- he has not
held a real job since he dropped out of college.[12] What
a tangled web we weave ... when we practice to deceive!
In the Evangelical Press interview, Larson claimed:
"World didn't talk to radio station owners' ... We have
not had a single radio station cancel us or be less than
100 percent supportive'."[13] But in a fundraising letter
dated January 27, 1992, he told his contributors that
"Satan did everything possible to destroy me last year ...
four of our top ten stations forced me off the air."[14]
Another station, KSLR in San Antonio, reportedly was sued
by the Ministry after it pulled Talk-Back[15], even though
Larson claimed in a news conference that he "would never
sue a brother."[16] If World's people had talked to
Larson's former affiliates, they would have caught him in
yet another lie. On his March 17, 1993 broadcast, Bob
Larson publicly charged that the Mormon church had spawned
a sinister scheme to destroy his ministry, and that he was
forced from the air in Calgary as a result of their
effort.[17] However, when I spoke with that station's
operations manager, and played her a taped excerpt of
Bob's on-air claims, her response was one of astonishment.
"It wasn't like that at all,"[18] she said adamantly.
It wasn't like that at all. That theme reverberates
throughout any discussion concerning the antics of Bob
Larson ... but nowhere is it more pronounced as in his
financial information. For years, Bob has been claiming
that he is fighting to stay on your station, cleverly
painting the misleading impression that the Ministry is
on the knife-edge of financial disaster. But
if its' audited financial statement is any indication,
the Ministry is in the very flower of fiscal health:
BOB LARSON MINISTRIES
CONSOLIDATED BALANCE SHEET[19]
DECEMBER 31, 1991
ASSETS
Current Assets:
Cash and marketable securities $ 1,767,708
Other current assets 332,580
---------
Total current assets 2,100,288
Fixed assets (net of depreciation) 937,351
---------
Total assets $ 3,037,639
=========
LIABILITIES AND FUND BALANCE
Current liabilities $ 396,022
Long-term debt 498,117
---------
Total liabilities 894,139
Fund balance 2,143,500
---------
Total liabilities and fund balance $ 3,037,639
=========
During 1991, Bob Larson Ministries had a surplus of
more than $246,000[20] ... and in 1990, that surplus was
over $500,000![21] We should all be in such desperate
financial straits.
Larson's difficulties with the truth spill over into his
personal financial situation as well. On the air, Bob has
stated that he draws a $69,000 [22] yearly salary from the
Ministry ... which not only seems reasonable, but
downright modest. But as might be expected, documents
filed with the Jefferson County (Colo.) District Court in
connection with his divorce [23] -- signed under penalty
of perjury -- tell a different tale. The following is an
estimate of Larson's compensation package for 1990, based
upon that information, documents filed with the Internal
Revenue service, and interviews with former BLM employees:
_________________________________________________________________
Bobby E. ("Bob") Larson
Estimated(A) Personal Income from Ministry Activities
Year ended December 31, 1990
Direct compensation - Bob Larson Ministries (BLM):
Salary $ 81,500
BLM - Prorated bonus 25,000
BLM - Expense allowance 33,000
BLM - Retirement allowance 50,500
BLM - Housing allowance:
Mortgage payments 22,512
Utilities, etc. 4,980
-------
Compensation - Bob Larson Ministries 217,492(B)
Direct compensation - BLM subsidiaries:
BLM Canada - Consulting fees 51,084
Salary - Int'l Broadcasting Ntwk. (IBN) 40,000(C)
IBN - Auto allowance 4,344
-------
Total direct compensation from Ministry activities 312,920
Compensation - book sales:
BLM - Secular advertising for books 72,833(D)
BLM - Ghost-writers' compensation 20,000(E)
BLM - Imputed profits on book sales 80,000(F)
Honoraria 12,000
-------
Total compensation from Ministry activities $ 497,753G
=======
A) The 1990 income figures are derived from the statement
of monthly income provided by Bob Larson to the Jefferson
County (Colorado) District Court in an affidavit signed
under penalty of perjury. All other notes will be
explained in the endnote section.
______________________________________________________
From this information, it appears self-evident that the
_real_ mission of Bob Larson Ministries is to minister to
the extravagant financial needs of Bob Larson! The kids
are just an alibi.
But the uncontested crown jewel in the labyrinth of Bob
Larson's lies is the claim that HE wrote his best-selling
novel, Dead Air. On his Jan. 29, 1993 broadcast -- which
he called "the most candid, direct program I've ever
done"[24] -- he said that:
"Lori did help me some with the writing of this book,
primarily in just adding a little color ... and contrary
to what the article states, the book was nearly completed
-- she had nothing to do with the plot, the characters
... anything in the book whatsoever."[25]
If Bob was telling the truth, then Lori Boespflug's role
in the writing of Dead Air was minuscule at best. Thus,
it seems strange that Bob's attorney, William T. Abbott,
would offer him this advice:
"With the passing of each day, I become more and more
concerned about your potential liability to Lori in
connection with Dead Air and its sequels. The time
table is immediate. You will soon know if Dead Air is
to be a publishing success and, quite possibly, if
theatrical rights are to be optioned. Assuming success,
and knowing the role Lori has played, it would amaze me
if she is not sufficiently astute to use the opportunity
to both secure her financial future and to launch her
own literary career."[26]
The logic here is inescapable: If as Bob insists, he
wrote Dead Air, then there wasn't any need for advice. As
such, that letter never should have been written in the
first place -- and it couldn't possibly be stolen, as he
has asserted. On the other hand, if he did not write the
best-selling novel that bears his name, then he has
knowingly and deliberately deceived his nationwide
audience. Either way, I submit to you that Bob's
credibility is absolutely shot.
For even when Bob 'bares his soul', he lies through his teeth.
_____________________________________________________
ENDNOTES
1 "Bob Larson Talks Back' About World Magazine
Investigation," Twin Cities Christian [Mpls/St. Paul,
MN], 18 Mar. 1993, p. 5A, col. 5.
2 Bob Larson, Hell on Earth (Carol Stream, IL: Creation
House, 1974), author biography on dual jacket.
3 Jon Trott, "Bob Larson's Ministry Comes Under
Scrutiny," Cornerstone, Vol. 21, Issue 100, Feb., 1993,
p. 18, advance copy, courtesy Jon Trott (hereinafter,
"Cornerstone").
4 Jay Grelen and Doug LeBlanc, "This is Me, This is
Real," World, Vol. 7, No. 32, 23 Jan. 1993, p. 11
(hereinafter, "World").
5 Cornerstone, p. 18.
6 Bob Larson, "Talk-Back With Bob Larson," Radio
broadcast, Jan. 5, 1993.
7 World, p. 11.
8 Michael Roberts, "The Evil That Men Do," Westword, May
27-Jun 2, 1992, p. 12.
9 Bob Larson, "Prepare For War," Radio broadcast, Jan.
29, 1993.
10 Larson v. Larson, No. 91 DR 226 (Jefferson County
(Colo.) Dist. Ct., Filed Jan. 28, 1991), Record, p.
111-112 [emphasis mine].
11 Ibid., p. 146 [emphasis mine].
12 Based upon discussions with BLM insiders, I consider
his publishing efforts to be an integral part of his
ministry work. BLM staffers do the lion's share of the
underlying research, editing, and possibly writing for
many of "Bob's" best-selling books.
13 "Bob Larson
Talks Back'," p. 5A, col. 4. 3
14 Bob Larson, Letter, Jan. 27, 1992 (ghost-written by
Lori Boespflug; the stations were owned by Salem
Communications, Camarillo, CA) [emphasis mine]. Copy
on file.
15 Arthur Matthews (Senior Editor, World magazine),
Telephone interview, March, 1993; my call to KSLR has
not been returned.
16 Ibid., ibid.
17 Bob Larson, "Talk-Back with Bob Larson," Radio
broadcast, Mar. 17, 1993.
18 Name withheld by request, Telephone interview, Mar. 18,
1993. Copy of letter on file.
19 Bob Larson Ministries, 1991 Consolidated Balance Sheet,
p. 2 (Obtained from Bob Larson Ministries, Aug. 12,
1992, copy on file).
20 Ibid., p. 3.
21 Bob Larson Ministries, 1990 federal Form 990, p. 1
(copy on file).
22 Alan Dumas, "Air Raid!", Rocky Mountain News Sunday
Magazine, 22 Sept. 1991, p. 14-M; see also Bob Larson,
"Prepare For War," Radio broadcast, Jan. 29, 1993.
23 "Affidavit with Respect to Financial Affairs of Bobby
E. Larson," Larson v. Larson, ibid., signed July 12,
1993.
24 Bob Larson, "Talk-Back With Bob Larson," Radio
broadcast, Jan. 29, 1993.
25 Ibid., ibid.
26 William T. Abbott, Letter, July 8, 1991 [emphasis
mine]. Copy on file; see Corner stone, supra note 3,
p. 41, for a complete text of the letter.
NOTES TO THE ESTIMATE OF LARSON'S 1990 MINISTRY INCOME:
B Documents filed with the Internal Revenue Service show
Larson's total compensation from Bob Larson Ministries
to be $222,237 -- almost $5,000 HIGHER than the figure
reported in the affidavit. Note also that a $175,000
bonus, ostensibly paid as compensation for the
forbearance of salary by Larson in previous years, has
not been included in this calculation; according to
courtroom testimony, it was paid in 1989.
C According to sources within BLM -- corroborated in part
by courtroom testimony -- IBN's primary function is to
distribute Larson's "Talk-Back" radio broadcasts; any
business it conducts with other ministries is, for the
most part, purely incidental.
D According to BLM sources, Larson does not reimburse BLM
or IBN for air time spent promoting his books. The
"retail" value of this 'incidental' benefit is a
staggering ($10 per 1/2-minute spot x 2 spots/day on
each station x 170 stations = $3,400/day -- or over
$800,000/year! Still, there IS something to be said for
volume discounts. The figure used is a quick
approximation, based on a rough estimate that 1/60th of
the "Talk-Back" air time is dedicated to "book
promotion," and his program is substantially subsidized
(55-60% of the total cost of air time, based on
estimates from radio station managers) by locally-based
commercial advertising.
E This figure was based primarily upon the testimony of
Lori Boespflug, who claimed to have spent over 1,000
hours during 1990 on the writing of Dead Air, and has
time sheets to prove it. Larson has since publicly
admitted that his research staffers produce so- called
"briefing books," which he uses as the research for his
many books. He has not, however, confirmed staffers'
allegations that they do most of the writing and
editing. The $20,000 figure is therefore conservative,
but not unreasonably so. Incidentally, Boespflug told
me that she was "about 90% finished" with Abaddon when
she was fired by Bob Larson; it will be interesting to
compare her draft copy with the final published product.
F This figure was based upon testimony from several
sources -- including an agreement between Larson and
Dead Air publisher Thomas Nelson. Evidently, at the
close of 1990, Larson and his lawyers drew up an
agreement which enabled the Ministry to benefit from the
sale of books as "premiums," but prior to that, it is
believed that Larson garnered most of the benefit from
book sales.
G According to courtroom testimony, the total income
reported on the Larson's 1990 federal income tax return
was $403,310, of which $39,300 was directly attributable
to tax able dividends and interest. If Larson's pre-tax
income from Ministry activity in this estimate was
reported as expected, he should have received roughly
$70,000 in bona fide royalties, after expenses -- which
is in line with reasonable expectations.
PART 2
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 93 16:12 EDT
From: "Scott.Mikusko" <21922SM@msu.edu>
Subject: Bob Larson - Smith's _CT_ letter
The following is a letter sent to the editor of _Christianity Today_ regarding
the Bob Larson controversy. In it are comments pertaining to CT's previous
printing of a story that more or less defended Larson, even after _World_ and
_Cornerstone_ magazines ran critical articles on BLM and Bob.
----------( Forwarded letter 1 follows )---------------------------------------
Date: Saturday, 11 September 1993 12:19pm ET
To: Scott.Mikusko
From: Scott.Mikusko
Topic: Christianity Today L
CHRISTIAN PRESS REPORT - AN ELECTRONIC NEWSPAPER
~ Ken Smith's Open Letter To "Christianity Today"
CERTIFIED MAIL
May 20, 1993
The wicked man flees though no one pursues,
but the righteous are as bold as a lion.
-- Prov. 28:1
Mr. David Neff, Managing Editor
Christianity Today
465 Gunderson Dr.
Carol Stream, IL 60188
Re: "Bob on the Block"
Dear Mr. Neff:
I respectfully submit the following statement for publication in
your magazine -- with the proviso that it be printed in its entirety,
and afforded exposure similar to that of the aforementioned article.
Moreover, it is not to be edited without my express written approval.
Considering that CT "quoted" me without ever bothering to conduct an
interview, I am certain that you will understand when I say that I am
not overly impressed with the competence of your editorial staff.
As you have indicated that Mr. Morgan left you "with the impression
that he had interviewed [me]," I will, for the moment, assume that he
was acting on his own, and that you are indeed committed to reporting
the facts (and saving CT's reputation). Hence, you should be willing
to do whatever it takes to redeem yourselves, and I fully expect that
you will afford me total and complete cooperation. But you ought not
forget that I will be making this information widely available within
the evangelical community; the eyes of Christendom are upon you.
Please be apprised that I will also send copies of this letter and
the supporting documentation to the _Washington Post_, _New York
Times_, _Los Angeles Times_, _Dallas Morning News_, and _60 Minutes_
... not to mention _Cornerstone_ and _World magazines_.
_____________________________________________________________________
CT on the Block?
CHRISTIANITY TODAY. Founded by Billy Graham. Nurtured by the likes
of Harold Lindsell and Carl Henry. For decades, the name was
synonymous with journalistic integrity.
My, but how the mighty have fallen!
When I brought the Bob Larson story to _CT_ in July of 1992, the
evidence indicated three points of serious concern: Larson did not
write "his" best-selling novel, _Dead Air_; he was getting an
exorbitant compensation package from the Ministry, and he was grossly
misrepresenting the Ministry's financial needs. Still, despite the
fact that two Christian journalists checked my findings
independently, Tim Morgan's article, "Bob on the Block," scarcely
even alluded to them. Further more, Morgan steadfastly refused to
interview anyone with information which would be construed as harmful
to Larson. To say that Morgan performed a 'whitewash job' on Larson
would be a colossal understatement. But did he do so of his own
volition ... or was he _specifically_ ordered to write a pro-Larson
piece? That is the question which _CT_ must now answer.
Without question, the most glaring miscue in the CT article was its
blithe dismissal of Lori Boespflug's claim to the authorship of
"Larson's" best-selling novel, _Dead Air_. As _World_[1] and
_Cornerstone_[2] magazines both duly noted, it was buttressed by
a wealth of documentary evidence, including a letter from Larson's
own attorney. What's more, Larson authenticated that letter himself
... by claiming it was "stolen."[3] After all, if he HAD written
_Dead Air_, that letter never should have been written in the first
place, and thus, could not possibly have been stolen. Hence, by
definition, Larson has to be lying about something, and any cub
reporter with the intelligence of a common garden implement should
have been able to recognize it. As such, it seems utterly
inconceivable that a respected senior reporter like Morgan could have
overlooked it. And even if, perchance, Morgan was unable to
recognize that fact on his own, it was spelled out for him in graphic
detail in my pamphlet, _The Two Faces of Bob_.[4]
Although I would have preferred not to mention it, there is a
salacious aspect to this story which, in light of Larson's allegations
of sexual improprieties on Boespflug's part, must come to light.
While it is true that she was fired for living with a man, as the
following excerpts from an "employment contract" signed by both her
and Larson suggests, there was more to her dismissal than met the
eye:
MEMO TO: BOB LARSON
FROM: LORI BOESPFLUG
RE: EMPLOYMENT CONTRACT
5/29/91
---------------------------------------------------------------
It is my understanding at this date, that to remain employed
with Bob Larson Ministries that the following conditions be in
effect:
1. My cellular car phone be returned to the organization, and
I no longer retain sole usage. I also understand that any
phone calls made to 469-**** are to be reimbursed by me as
personal calls, misusing organizational property.
5. All gifts and items of any merit or value [including, among
other things, a diamond frog broach valued at $2,800 [5] that
you have extended to me for any reason have been returned to you
as of this date.
6. I will cease any outside friendship and/or contact with the
man that installed my carpeting [whose number, incidentally, is
listed in Paragraph 1 of said Agreement], due to the
confidentiality and secure nature of my job should my position
be re-instated [sic]."[6]
That document, in confluence with others which _CT_ has had in its'
possession for roughly nine months, exposes a multitude of Larson's
sins. First, it is clear from Boespflug's stellar personnel
reviews[7] and prodigious salary increases that Larson was
ecstatic with her job performance. Second, the 'business reason'
given in the contract for the need for her to break off the
relationship is facially ludicrous. There is thus only one
plausible explanation for those peculiar provisions: Larson was
hopelessly infatuated with her ... and insanely jealous, to boot.
According to Boespflug, Larson continued to insinuate himself into
her life ... writing passionate love sonnets, and calling her at all
hours to make certain that she wasn't seeing anyone else. He tailed
her to various and sundry locations, and even tracked her down at her
daughter's dance recital. There, he fired her -- in full public view
-- on a Saturday night. He called her a slut, a whore, and otherwise
totally humiliated her.[8]
Even though I originally brought the story to _CT_, I was not
treated with any more courtesy. In fact, when I heard that CT was to
interview Larson, I called managing editor David Neff, asking to be
inter viewed.[9] Shortly thereafter, I sent a letter to Neff,
insisting to have such an opportunity.[10] Still, my polite
requests and veiled threats fell on deaf ears -- as did those of
Christian talk-show host John Stewart,[11] who is known for,
among other accomplishments, his role in the expose of Jim Bakker.
It is difficult to imagine how any objective reporter could even
begin to be so obtuse.
The defamatory assault that Morgan perpetrated on my character was
more subtle than that on Ms. Boespflug, but it was effective. You
will note that unlike other individuals mentioned in the article, CT
neglected to list my credentials: I am a certified public accountant,
with some eight years' experience and a master's degree in taxation,
and thus am well qualified to render an opinion as to Larson's financial
situation. But by calling me a "Denver-area resident [who has]
made it his avocation to distribute material critical of Larson,"[12]
Morgan makes it appear as though I am an ignorant stevedore with some
kind of mindless vendetta against him.
To correct _CT_'s litany of blatant misrepresentations would
require more space than their editorial staff has the courage to
grant. But suffice it to say that while Larson did not receive a
salary from his ministry during the early 1980's, the evidence
suggests strongly that he was quite well-compensated for his time.
For instance, he bought the building the Ministry currently occupies
from one David Kramer on October 2, 1985 for $1,415,000,[13] and,
on December 31, 1986, he sold it to the Ministry for $1,800,000.[14]
In less than 15 months, Larson earned a tidy profit of $385,000 ...
quite astounding, given the fact that the Denver real estate market
was in a general downturn[15] during that period. This is
"public information": something that any competent investigative
journalist should have been able to find, had he been put on notice
of its possible existence. And I put _CT_ on notice myself. By the
same token, the evidence is painfully clear that Bob's "one-time,
Publications -- rewarding Larson's dishonesty with a contract for the
sequel to _Dead Air_. It is about Christian radio station owners,
like KLTT's Jack Mortenson, who censored the anti-Larson editorial
written by _Denver Christian News_ editor Joann Bruso.[19] And
now, it is about respected Christian voices like _CT_ and the
_Evangelical Press_ -- which evidently have become willing
complicitors in a scheme to sweep Larson's malfeasance under the
proverbial rug. They have exchanged the truth for a lie ... and a
couple of dollars' change.
_____________________________________________________________________
I do expect that you will take further measures appropriate to
rectify this unfortunate situation -- including, but not limited to,
the immediate and unconditional dismissal of Morgan, a profuse and
public apology to both Ms. Boespflug and myself, and the prompt
publication of a feature article concerning the Larson affair.
Please be further advised that, should this dispute fail to be
resolved to my satisfaction, I fully intend to vigorously pursue
any and all legal remedies at my disposal.
Sincerely yours,
Kenneth L. Smith
P.O. Box 280305
Lakewood, CO 80228
Endnotes, enclosures; cc's listed in the endnote page
ENDNOTES:
1 Jay Grelen and Doug LeBlanc, This is Me, This is Real," World,
Vol. 7, No. 32, 23 Jan. 1993, p. 9.
2 Jon Trott, "Bob Larson's Ministry Comes Under Scrutiny,"
Cornerstone, Vol. 21, Issue 100, Feb. 1993, p. 41.
3 Bob Larson, Radio broadcast, 29 Jan 1993. Tape on file.
4 Copy attached. (Included with the Open Letter)
5 Lori Boespflug, Interview, 16 Jun 1992; supporting document on
file; independent witness available.
6 Copy attached. (Included with the Open Letter)
7 Copy attached. (Included with the Open Letter)
8 Lori Boespflug, Telephone interview, 13/14 Jun 1992.
9 Phone records on file.
10 Copy attached. (Included with the Open Letter)
11 John Stewart, Telephone conversation, 17 May 1993.
12 Tim Morgan, "Bob on the Block," CT, 17 May 1993, p. 41.
13 Copy attached. (Included with the Open Letter)
14 Copy attached. (Included with the Open Letter)
15 Basil Katsakos (certified appraiser), Telephone interview, 17 May
1993.
16 Morgan, ibid., p. 42 (allegedly quoting Ken Smith).
17 Copy attached. (Included with the Open Letter)
18 Copy attached. (Included with the Open Letter)
19 Joann Bruso, Telephone conversation, 29 Jan 1993; confirmed by
KLTT station manager Brian Taylor in a later conversation, and
evidenced by an out-of-place reference to 1Tim. 5:20 in the DCN's
March editorial page.
Global note: Ms. Bosepflug has requested that I not use her married
name, on the ground that she fears continued harassment from Mr.
Larson.
_____________________________________________________________________
cc: John Stewart, Lori Boespflug, Jim Dobson, Hank Hanegraaff, Harold
Lindsell, Harold Myra, Doug Trauten, others as listed.
__________________________________________________________
Copyright 1993 Kenneth L. Smith. Please direct your
questions to the author at P.O. Box 280305, Lakewood, CO
80228 or Scott Mikusko at 21922sm@msu.edu. This copyrighted
article may be redistributed freely through all E-Mail systems,
public and private e-mail posts, provided the author is
mentioned as source.
Ken Smith, a CPA, is a second-year law student at the
University of Denver. He also has a Masters Degree in
Taxation at the University of Denver.
-----------------------------<GwD Command Centers>------------------------------
Chaos (806)###-#### | PCI (806)794-1438
GridPoint Durant (405)920-1347 | The Sprawl (806)797-0820
Federation Slayers' (806)885-2954 | Tacoland (215)750-0392
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The Siege Perilous (806)762-0948 | Altered Reality (203)925-8349
Brazen's Hell (301)776-8259 | Cell Block 4 (806)612-8694
Pirate's Cove (806)795-4926 | Static Line (806)747-0802
PCI (806)794-1438 |
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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ftp.fc.net /pub/deadkat/misc/GWD
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Published by GwD, Inc. September 1995 :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo : GwD :
\---------------/
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T h e G R E E N Y w o r l d D o m i n a t i o n T a s k F o r c e
Presents:
"Bob Larson Parts 13 & 14"
GwD, Incorporated is dedicated to the exposing of false prophets. We have found
one such "prophet" in Bob Larson of Bob Larson: Live and formerly of Talk-Back
with Bob Larson. A supposed Christian radio evangelist, Bob Larson is actually
only motivated by financial gain. These 14 articles by Kenneth L. Smith prove
this. From this point on, GwD is anti-Bob Larson.
PART 13
Subject: Bob Larson/ Lawsuit material
Date: Sat, 4 Mar 1995 18:37:30 GMT
From: modemac@netcom.com (Modemac)
Organization: NETCOM On-line Communication Services (408 261-4700 guest)
[ Article crossposted from talk.religion.misc ]
[ Author was Guerilla ]
[ Posted on 23 Feb 1995 09:26:33 -0500 ]
DISTRICT COURT, JEFFERSON COUNTY, STATE OF COLORADO
Case No. 94 CV 0121, Division 7
_________________________________________________________________
MOTION FOR SUMMARY JUDGMENT PURSUANT TO RULE 56, C.R.C.P. (INCORPORATING
AUTHORITY)
_________________________________________________________________
KENNETH SMITH, Plaintiff,
vs.
BOB LARSON MINISTRIES, INC., et al., Defendants.
_________________________________________________________________
Plaintiff Kenneth Smith respectfully moves this Court for an Order
dismissing Defendants' abuse of process claim pursuant to Rule 56(a), C.R.C.P.
AS GROUNDS, Plaintiff states:
1. The Defendants' current abuse of process claim is based solely on the
claim that I have purportedly misused written discovery.
2. To my knowledge, there has never been a single reported case holding
that the attempted misuse of written discovery constituted an actionable abuse
of process. See Debra E. Wax, Annotation, Abuse of Process Action Based on
Misuse of Discovery or Deposition Procedures After Commencement of Civil Action
Without Seizure of Person or Property, 33 A.L.R. 4th 650 (1984).
3. Written discovery is not susceptible to abuse, inasmuch as the victim's
obvious remedy is a mere two-word phrase: "Objection, irrelevant." See Osinoff
v. Muchnick, 385 N.Y.S. 583, 584 (N.Y.App.Div. 1976).
4. The hallmark of an abuse of process claim is the use of coercion to
obtain a collateral advantage -- in effect, a form of extortion. W. Page Keeton
et al., Prosser and Keeton on the Law of Torts . 121, at 898 (5th ed. 1984).
Defendants do not allege that I have misused the discovery process in this
manner. More over, in the case of written discovery, such an extortion attempt
could not possibly succeed -- and even if one were foolish enough to try it, the
court could impose sanctions and attorney's fees.
5. While Colorado courts have not ruled on the question, a federal court
has ruled that the issuance of an extensive discovery request which "was not
exploited to obtain collateral advantage or used in any form of extortion" did
not constitute a "willful act" under the ambit of Arizona's abuse of process
law. Blue Goose Growers, Inc. v. Yuma Groves, Inc., 641 F.2d 695, 697 (9th Cir.
1981).
6. Indeed, the A.L.R. does not list a single case where it has been held
that mere discovery abuse, standing alone, constituted an actionable abuse of
process. 33 A.L.R. 4th 650, supra., but see, Nienstadt v. Wetzel, 651 P.2d 876
(Ariz.App. 1982) (discovery abuse, coupled with the filing of a "sham" motion
for protective order, willful failure to comply with an order to produce
documents, and other flagrant abuse of process, was sufficient to support an
independent tort claim).
7. "When discovery breaks down or the court determines that the discovery
process has been abused, the court may, in its discretion, impose various
sanctions including, but not limited to, an award of costs and attorney fees,
the exclusion of evidence obtained through misuse of the discovery process, or
the entry of dismissal or judgment by default." Watters v. Dinn, 633 N.E.2d
280, 289 (Ind.App.1 Dist. 1994) (flagrant abuse of formal discovery did not
constitute a tortious abuse of process; summary judgment granted). As existing
remedies are sufficient to deter discovery abuse, it is unreasonable to expect
that it would become a valid basis for an independent tort claim.
8. Courts have been far less charitable in situations where parties have
filed claims for the purpose of coercing an opponent into ceasing activities
unrelated to the purposes of the lawsuit. See e.g., Three Lakes Ass'n v.
Whiting, 255 N.W.2d 686 (Mich.App. 1977) (countersuit initiated for the
improper purpose of coercing plaintiff into discontinuing their opposition to
defendant's condominium project constituted an abuse of process).
9. As Dean Prosser notes, it is "what is done in the course of
negotiation, rather than the issuance or any formal use of the process itself,"
which constitutes the tort of abuse of process. Prosser and Keeton on Torts,
121 at 898.
10. Defendants have failed to identify damages specifically resulting from
the improper acts alleged, and it is unreasonable to believe they would ever be
able to do so. See Ann-Margret v. High Soc'y Magazine, Inc., 498 F. Supp. 401,
408 (S.D.N.Y. 1980) (claims of damage to business reputation, loss of business,
and litigation expenses "do not constitute the type of interference with person
or property necessary to sustain an abuse of process claim").
11. Defendants have established a pattern of conduct which, in itself,
constitutes an abuse of process. First, they filed a frivolous abuse of
process counterclaim in this matter -- claiming that mere filing of a summons
and complaint was an actionable abuse of process. Second, they filed a
counterclaim for intentional interference with contract, which they made no
discernible attempt to prosecute, and have recently withdrawn with prejudice.
Finally, they filed the counterclaim in question here, presumably with full
knowledge that there was no credible precedential support for their position.
12. Defendants have used the aforementioned counterclaims -- in conjunction
with the psychological testimony they intended to extract in formal discovery --
in the attempt to extort an unconscionable settlement from me. Exhibit A.
13. A crucial element of Defendants' extortionate offer was the requirement
that I recant statements made concerning Larson in my previous articles for
distribution to the public. Exhibit A at 1-2. It is this explicit,
extortionate use of process that is the signal feature of tortious abuse of
process.
14. Defendants have stretched their "discovery as research" argument to
nonsensical extremes. For example, in the deposition of Defendant Bob Larson,
counsel objected to my inquiries regarding Plaintiff's Deposition Exhibit #33
(an excerpt from Larson's diary) on the grounds that I was trying to
authenticate it for my book. Counsel was, of course, aware of the fact that
that "document" is more than 1,000 words in length, and in cursive script;
anyone familiar with Larson's handwriting (including myself -- I have seen
enough of it) could authenticate it in a court of law. See, e.g., Edward J.
Imwinkleried, Evidential Foundations 39-38 (Michie Co. 1989) (1980). To even
suggest that I would need more for journalistic purposes is lunacy.
My purpose in asking about the diary was to show that it was in fact a
"diary" (and, by implication, that Defendants committed perjury in originally
denying its' very existence), and that Larson routinely recorded trivial details
therein. By implication, the fact that I was only mentioned seven times therein
-- and not once in connection with the supposed threats against him -- tends to
prove that Mr. Larson did not believe me to be involved in the incidents. (The
Exhibit, along with my scripted deposition questions, is attached at Exhibit B.)
WHEREFORE, Plaintiff requests that this Court issue an Order granting the
following relief:
1. That the Defendants' abuse of process claim be dismissed
with prejudice (or in the alternative, that I be allowed
to add two claims for abuse of process and punitive dam-
ages);
2. That Defendants' claims for attorney's fees and costs be
denied, and
3. That appropriate sanctions be imposed, both upon Defen-
dants and counsel, pursuant to Rule 11, C.R.C.P.
Dated this _____ day of February, 1995.
Respectfully submitted,
Kenneth L. Smith
Plaintiff's address:
23636 Genesee Village Rd.
Golden, CO 80401
(303) 526-5451
+---------------------------------------+
| Reverend Modemac (modemac@netcom.com) |
+--------------+ "There is no black and white." +-------------+
| First Online Church of "Bob," A Subfaction of the Excremeditated |
| Congregation of the Overinflated Head of L. Ron Hubbard |
+--------------------------------------------------------------------+
FINGER modemac@cambridge.village.com for a FREE SubGenius Pamphlet!
PART 14
Newsgroups: alt.fan.bob-larson
Subject: Bob Larson: More True Lies
Date: 21 Apr 1995 17:46:31 -0400
Organization: Concentric Research Corporation
Lines: 424
Distribution: na
Message-ID: <3n993n$ock@voyager.cris.com>
NNTP-Posting-Host: voyager-fddi.cris.com
Bob Larson: More True Lies
Okay. So, he looks more like Danny DeVito than Arnold Schwarzenegger. And
young wife Laura couldn't pass for Jamie Lee. But Reverend Bob Larson and his
Mighty Larson Art Players are at it again -- staging their own home-grown
adaptation of the box-office thriller.
[I have reported on recent developments in the Larson saga
in my newest pamphlet, Sympathy For The Devil. But as it was
written in tract format, and brevity was next to godliness, I
had to edit out a lot of the more intricate material.
I thought that serious Larso-philes (like Reverend Larson
himself!) might enjoy some of the left-overs.]
Fraud-Day the 14th:
Good Friday. It is the day when Christians observe Jesus' sacrifice on the
Cross. And, like most Christian organizations, Bob Larson Ministries took the
afternoon off. Still, unless you knew what to listen for, you wouldn't know it.
Reverend Larson learned long ago that when he replayed a taped show, donations
fell dramatically. So, he pioneered the concept of a re-air -- a show comprised
of pre-recorded callers and yet, made to appear as if it were live. He reads
canned scripts, which are then "dropped-in" or mixed into the final tape. The
net result is a show which appears, to the casual listener, to be live;
listeners are even invited to call into the program.
But at times, Rev. Larson's immaculate deceptions go a bit far. For example,
during one of Friday's pre-recorded drop-in segments, fifteen minutes into the
show, he made this plea for funds:
"Go on. Go call right now. And could you be the person we
need today to step forward? I mean, no one's done it yet.
Come on! We need a $500 Champion and a $1,000 Hero."1
Since it was a pre-recorded show, Rev. Larson would have had no way of knowing
whether anyone had given $500 or $1,000. Granted, it was true when it was
recorded, but that is beside the point.
Sometimes, it seems like every day is fraud-day at Bob Larson Ministries --
every month is "worse" than the one before, and almost every day, a financial
disaster. The March 6, 1995 letter to Ministry supporters was no exception:
"Unfortunately, in most cities the cost of air time and sat-
ellite services has continued to rise. At the end of each year
we have to renegotiate many of our station contracts. Station
expenses jumped drastically in 1995. To top things off, Janu-
ary and February have been our worst months ever."2
Reverend Larson gives his flock the same old song-and-dance -- even when the
Ministry had a profit of over $500,000.3 But as H.L. Mencken reportedly put it,
"you'll never go broke underestimating the intelligence of the average
American." And, judging from his luxurious home and ski condo, Rev. Larson is
not about to go broke any time soon.
A Ministry That Tells the Truth?
It seems that the media had been getting to Rev. Larson lately. His recent
dog-and-pony show in Wichita was the "top story" on their local newscast.4 Our
report from Minneapolis was that he was greeted by at least one negative
newspaper article, and someone placed copies of my pamphlet, "The Two Faces of
Bob," in the offering plate.5 And after months of muted rumbling, on March 29,
1995, Rev. Larson finally blew his stack.
It was the same shtick as in earlier versions, where he claimed that he was
just a misunderstood man of God, making $69,000 a year, and his critics were
Satanically-inspired liars. Still, his most entertaining comments were these
made in response to a caller who asked about Cornerstone magazine's 1992 expos‚
of Mike Warnke:
"It [the magazine that exposed Warnke] was the same one who
published a bunch of lies about me. They tried to do the same
thing. They got Mike, and they said they'd get me, and came
after me.
They even went back to my home town, talked to people that
know me over thirty years ago, and get this-- who contradicted
some things that I say-- and they quoted them -- they aren't
even Christians -- went back thirty years ago, quoted them as
telling the truth, and called me a liar, when, in fact, those
people were lying.
But get this-- so-called 'Christians' quoted non-Christians
about their memory of thirty years ago, and presented them as
being truthful, juxtaposed against me being a liar! I mean,
that's the way this stuff works, Tim."6
That is the way investigative journalism works. Disinterested witnesses have
no reason to lie, and as such, are considered more likely to tell the truth.
And, as Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart demonstrated so graphically, even
ministers sin. As the old maxim goes, Christians aren't perfect ... just
forgiven. Christian reporters like Jon Trott can hardly be faulted for
doubting Rev. Larson's word. His perpetual pleas of poverty don't square
very well with the fact that Bob Larson Ministries has had a $500,000+ profit
over the last four years,7 and his claim to sole authorship of Dead Air is
inconsistent with courthouse admissions.8 And even where you can't check his
claims independently, they are often so inherently improbable that they bury the
needle on the B.S. meter. For instance, in response to a caller who asked how
much the ministry got in commercial advertising revenue, Rev. Larson claimed it
was minuscule:
"The national advertisers -- and there's just a couple of
those -- they do buy advertising on the broadcast. And we're
very grateful for that, and it provides a little bit of cash,
but it isn't ten percent of the satellite bill, let alone the
air time bill . . . it's nothing compared to what the overall
responsibilities are -- I mean, it's not even one percent."9
The Ministry's 1993 tax return lists network expense of $347,760;10 ten
percent of that is less than $35,000. Bob Larson Ministries runs ten scheduled
advertising spots each day, or roughly 2,500 spots per year. Therefore, the
cost of a one-minute national radio advertising spot on Talk-Back is less than
$14. To put that number in perspective, the cost of a one-minute advertisement
on KQXI (Larson's Denver affiliate) is $14-18.11 If Rev. Larson is telling the
truth, it is cheaper to buy national advertising from him than it is to buy
local advertising on just one of his nearly 200 affiliates. I suppose anything
is possible; it is just that some things are more possible than others.
Rev. Larson was able to attract some interesting sponsors, including a
manufacturer of herbal diet products and an investment house selling precious
metals. Still, by far the most intriguing member of Larson's 'rogues' gallery'
of commercial advertisers is Oklahoma-based Amerivision (d/b/a "LifeLine") --
which markets itself as a "Christian-based" long-distance [telephone] company.12
If you switch your telephone service to 'LifeLine', ten percent of your
long-distance bill13 is donated to the charity of your choice. If the
average consumer's monthly long-distance bill is $50 per month, then the
designated charity gets $5 per month ($60 per year). If only 500 people
signed up with LifeLine and named Bob Larson Ministries as their designated
charity, BLM would get $30,000 per year ... as much as Rev. Larson claims
to be getting from all three of his national advertisers combined!
To better promote Lifeline's services, Rev. Larson broadcast a full-blown
infomercial. And in response to his softball questions, company president
Freeney gave Larson's listeners the impression that LifeLine had a social
conscience and adhered to Christian values:
BL: "Why do companies like AT & T feel so compelled to support
homosexuality?"
TF: "They think there's a lot of profit in it. I think the
bottom line for corporate America is greed. They don't
care about morals in the country. They don't care about
anything but the bottom line, which is dollars in their
profit account."
BL: "And what does Lifeline care about?"
TF: "Well, let me tell you. Lifeline is seeking to help min-
istries. To help spread God's word. To help bring people
into the Kingdom. To help promote biblical family val-
ues...."14
Freeney further emphasized his organization's Christian ethic:
TF: "[O]ur company is built around the Lord Jesus Christ. And
we have in our company -- my partner Carl Thompson teaches
this every day -- we have a Bible study for 30 to 45 min-
utes where we study God's Word. We seek God's wisdom and
His direction...."15
But as is often the case with people that voluntarily associate with Larson,
reality doesn't quite appear to measure up to Freeney's press releases. In
response to a call by former Watchman Fellowship staffer Fred Wheeler,
Amerivision "spiritual leader" Carl Thompson left the following message on his
answering machine:
"Fred, this is Carl Thompson. I'm the president of Amerivi-
sion. You need to get a life. I don't want to hear from you
about Bob Larson. I don't want to hear about you from anybody.
I don't want your opinion. [Voice rising in anger] I don't
need to hear anything from you.
If your life is built around discrediting Bob Larson, you
need to get a life. Don't call us -- I don't care about your
opinions, I don't care about what you think. You just need to
go someplace else. [Voice continues to rise] If I don't make
myself clear -- I hope I do! My name is Carl Thompson! Quit
trying to discredit Bob Larson! I don't care what you think!!
Bye!"16
Amerivision is a company with a conscience ... which appears to have been
seared by insatiable greed. Reverend Larson is good for business; evidently,
they couldn't care less as to whether they are supporting a Christian
organization.
The Minister's Agenda:
According to Rev. Larson, a Minnesota reporter dredged up the tale of one of
his most embarrassing moments. In late 1991, he reportedly got kicked in the
mouth by Margo Hamilton's horse. He was treated and released the same night,17
but as is often the case, he turned it into a life-and-death struggle -- and a
poignant fundraising ploy:
KEEP THE VIDEO ALIVE!
January 27, 1992
Dear Friend,
It's hard to believe just a few weeks ago I nearly died!
I still remember lying in the emergency room, staring at
a blood-splattered ceiling, doctors scurrying all around me.
Moments earlier, a Flight for Life helicopter had flown
me from a lonely mountain road to a Denver hospital. I remem-
ber a paramedic saying, "He'll die if we don't stop the bleed
ing."18
Bob Larson, exaggerate? Never! Even if you cut the carotid artery, there
isn't enough pressure to splatter blood on the ceiling. And if Rev. Larson was
bleeding that profusely, there is no way he could have survived long enough to
get to the hospital.
Lori Boespflug, who claims authorship of that melodramatic fundraising
letter,19 confirmed that Larson was flown to Denver via Flight for Life.
However, the fact that he was released within hours is a strong indication that
he was never in legitimate danger of death. If he had suffered a substantial
loss of blood, there would have been a risk of shock ... and the hospital should
have kept him overnight for observation.
The tear-jerking letter continued:
"But it was a kick in the head by a horse that almost
killed me. Perhaps you heard the story. My beloved horse
Breezy was sick and Jeff, who works in our shipping depart-
ment, had gone to the stable to help her.
Later that same night I went to relieve Jeff. When I
arrived, he and Breezy were gone. I walked down a darkened
road to find them. Suddenly, another horse spooked and tried
to jump a fence. She got caught and was in danger of breaking
a leg.
I ran to rescue the horse and kicked at the fence to free
her. When I did, she reared up and came down on top of me.
Her hoof grazed my skull opening a huge gash. I staggered
down the road, dripping with blood, when Jeff found me....
My horse Breezy didn't live through the night, but I
did."20
One can just picture the heroic Wes Bryant-- I mean, Rev. Larson--risking life
and limb to save that poor horse. And three years later, we are treated to yet
another tale of his remarkable exploits:
"[Larson is reading from a fundraising letter] During one
recent weekend, I hosted Talk-Back on Thursday, and fought
rush-hour traffic afterwards, to catch a grueling flight to
Iowa. I checked into my hotel at midnight.
The next day, I was up early to prepare for Friday's broad
cast. That night, I braved a dangerous ice storm to hold a
rally -- even though the weather had closed every school in
the state. Iowa had shut down, but that didn't stop us!
The next morning, a staff member -- Patrick O'Shea -- and I
packed the van you see above. We drove three hours to our next
rally, as strong winds whipped at the car.
After the Saturday night rally, I got up at 4:00 AM the next
morning to catch an early flight, to get back to my home and
family...."21
The moral of the story, of course, is that he is a selfless man of God, but
too many people are believing his critics. Reverend Larson is an undisputed
master of fiction; it is just that his best work is wasted on fundraising
appeals.
Fly the Friendly Skies?:
Reverend Larson complained that he doesn't fly in Lear Jets ... but then
again, his knowledgeable critics have never accused him of that. However, he
has been criticized for apparently spending, for instance, $855 on a flight to
Cleveland, Ohio on October 22, 1992.22 The internal Ministry memo documenting
that charge was in the correct format, produced by a source that would not be in
a position to know what the proper format was for such a memo, and states, in
pertinent part:
"DEPART:
DENVER/CLEVELAND, THURSDAY, OCTOBER 22, 1992
CONTINENTAL FLIGHT #608 7:35 PM - 12:20 AM
737/SNACK/NON STOP
SEAT: 1E . . .
RETURN:
CLEVELAND/DENVER, SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24, 1992
CONTINENTAL FLIGHT #171 4:20PM - 5:28PM
727/DINNER/NON STOP
SEAT: 1B
AIR FARE COST: $855 FOR FIRST CLASS."23
The memo indicates that the flight schedule was verbally approved by "BL,"
according to "LA" (presumably Laura Larson, the former Ms. Laura Anderson).24
Former Ministry vice-president Lori Boespflug claimed that Rev. Larson was in
the habit of flying first-class, and even his diary refers to an incident where
he got mad "& flew first-class."25 Given the available evidence -- offset by
Rev. Larson's naked protestations to the contrary -- one could hardly be faulted
for concluding that he was in the habit of flying first-class. But in the final
analysis, that is entirely beside the point. Ultimately, the Bob Larson saga
boils down to one issue: accountability. Reverend Larson has repeatedly put
himself in positions which lend themselves to potential abuse. For instance,
like Church of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard,26 Larson owns the copyrights
to videotapes produced by the Ministry,27 even though the Ministry paid to
produce them.28 There is no bona fide business reason for such an arrangement
-- which invites abuse:
Assume Evangelist makes a $20,000 profit selling videotapes
during his 'road shows', and assigns that profit to the Minis
try. He gets $20,000 in taxable income, which shows up on his
personal income tax return.29 But when he turns over the cash
to the Ministry, he gets a $20,000 deduction for a charitable
contribution -- and he can say that he gave $20,000 of his own
personal income to the Ministry. And, if he decided to pocket
it instead, the Ministry couldn't legally stop him.
This 'videotape scam' borders on the sublime. The Ministry
puts up the cash, and takes all the risks ... but if the video
is successful, Evangelist could reap all the benefits. At the
very least, the Ministry would pay his tithe for him.
Bob Larson Ministries does not belong to the Evangelical Council for Financial
Accountability, nor is it formally accountable to any denomination. Moreover,
the Internal Revenue Service would never uncover a scam like this unless it were
specifically looking for it. Hence, the only assurance we have that Rev. Larson
is not opening up his own private bookstores at his rallies is that his
hand-picked Board of Directors is somehow minding the store.30
Reverend Larson continues to display an almost Tilton-esque fear of scrutiny.
Rather than confront his Christian critics head-on, Larson seems perfectly
content to continue throwing a steady stream of mud at them. And as he
acknowledged himself on Talk-Back, it is the cardinal rule of dishonest debate:
"A: When you can't deal with an issue, you attack ad homi-
nem -- you go at the person, you do what you can to discredit
them. B: If you don't have anything intelligent to say, you
hang up."31
If, as Rev. Larson insists, the "attacks" upon him and his ministry are
totally unfounded and without merit, the simplest and most effective way to
carry the day is to open up his books and records -- even to his critics. But,
then again, if his critics are right, the truth won't exactly set him free....
______________________________________________________________________
ENDNOTES:
1 "Talk-Back with Bob Larson" (radio broadcast), 14 Apr. 1995.
2Bob Larson, Fundraising letter, 6 Mar. 1995, p. 2.
3See generally, Ken Smith, "Sympathy for the Devil?" (pamphlet), pp.
4-5 (also available on the Net).
4 "Talk-Back with Bob Larson" (radio broadcast), 29 Mar. 1995.
5A Larson aide reportedly ran down the aisle of the church, holding a
copy of the pamphlet aloft.
6"Talk-Back with Bob Larson" (radio broadcast), 29 Mar. 1995.
7Bob Larson Ministries and Compassion Connection, Inc., 1990-93 Forms
990, p. 1 (Compassion Connection is a consolidated subsidiary for pur-
poses of the Ministries' audited financial statements). BLM has not,
to my knowledge, released 1994 income figures.
8See, e.g., Larson v. Boespflug (Jefferson County (CO) Dist. Ct.) (No.
93 CV 442), filed 9 Apr. 1993.
9"Talk-Back with Bob Larson" (radio broadcast), 29 Mar. 1995.
10Bob Larson Ministries, 1993 Form 990, p. 3.
11Per Gale's (courtesy of the reference desk librarian at the Jeffer-
son County (CO) Public library).
12Terry Freeney (Amerivision executive), "Talk-Back With Bob Larson"
(Radio broadcast), 13 Oct. 1994.
13E.g., "Talk-Back with Bob Larson" (radio broadcast), 29 Mar. 1995.
14"Talk-Back With Bob Larson," 13 Oct. 1994.
15Ibid., ibid.
16Carl Thompson, Telephone conversation (on answering machine tape --
recorded from voice-mail by author, with permission of Fred Wheeler),
27 Sep. 1994.
17Lori Boespflug, Interview with author, 16 Jun. 1992; see also Jay
Grelen and Doug LeBlanc, "This Is Me, This Is Real," World, Vol. 7,
No. 32, 23 Jan. 1993, p. 10 (interviewing hospital spokesperson).
18Bob Larson, "Keep The Video Alive!" (Fundraising letter), January
27, 1992, p. 1.
19"This Is Me, This Is Real," p. 10.
20Bob Larson, "Keep The Video Alive!", p. 1.
21"Talk-Back with Bob Larson" (radio broadcast), 29 Mar. 1995.
22Kathy (Hendricks, Rev. Larson's secretary(?)), Memo (to Bob/Bonnie),
14 Oct. 1992.
23Ibid., ibid.
24Ibid., ibid.
25Bob Larson, Diary (in mss.), 29 Jan. 1991.
26Church of Scientology of California v. Commissioner, 823 F.2d 1310
(9th Cir. 1987).
27Reporter's Transcript, Larson v. Larson (Jefferson County (CO) Dist.
Ct.) (No. 91 DR 226), p. 87, ll. 13-14 (hereinafter, "Transcript").
Larson's expert witness (C.P.A. Brian Campbell) admitted during cross-
examination that he receives income from books sold on his evangelis
tic travels (p. 85, l. 21) -- and that he was not aware of any formal
agreement precluding him from exercising his copyright over the videos
(p. 88, ll. 2-4).
28Transcript, p. 87, ll. 6-9.
29During the cross-examination, witness Campbell concurred with this
analysis. Specifically, Campbell admitted that income from sales of
copyrighted videos could be charged to Larson (Transcript, p. 89, ll.
21-25), and his assignment of revenues would be a charitable contribu-
tion (p. 90, ll. 1-4) to the Ministry.
30And that is not much comfort. For example, it appears that in 1991,
Larson sold books to the ministry for a 50% profit:
"During 1991, the Ministry purchased books and materials tot-
aling $67,982 from an officer of the Ministry. The officer's
cost in the books and materials sold was $45,215." Bob Larson
Ministries, 1991 Audited Financial Statements, p. 8.
It should also be noted that no mention of the transaction was made on
the Ministry's 1991 federal tax return.
31"Talk-Back with Bob Larson" (radio broadcast), 24 Mar. 1993.
______________________________________________________________________
Copyright 1995 Kenneth L. Smith. All rights reserved. Copying is
permitted for non-commercial use only. Please direct your questions
to the author at P.O. Box 280305, Lakewood, CO 80228.
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Published by GwD, Inc. in September 1995 :FIGHT THE POWER:
GREENY world Domination Task Force copyright (c) 1993 by Lobo : GwD :
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