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| ISSUE 2 January 1990 |
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| To boldly dr00l where no m00se has dr00led before. |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
We casually bring to you yet another issue to ring in the "Decade of Dr00l."
-Mike Oose
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M00SE DR00L STAFF
Michael Oose (moose@drunivac.bitnet) Editor in Chief
Subscriptions
Manny Oose (nclarke@drunivac.bitnet)
Michele Oose (slewis@drunivac.bitnet) Assistant Editors
Paul Latypus (badair@drunivac.bitnet)
Martin Oose (pcoen@drunivac.bitnet)
Michaela Oose (jrutberg@drew.bitnet) Guest Columnists
Think you're weird? Think you can write stories that m00ses can relate to?
Contact Mike Oose. He might have an assignment for YOU!
Coming Soon! An editorial section. Yes, keep those comments coming. If we
like it, we'll print it with running commentary from the Dr00l Staff!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO MAKE MOOSE CALLS
It's easier than you think!
(by Michele and Michaela Oose)
I. Introduction: Does a moose care what it sounds like?
Think about it. Does a moose think of what he is going to sound like before
he says anything? No. And neither should you when it comes to imitating
a moose. To become adept at this surprisingly simple task, follow these few
simple directions.
II. Step two: The Attitude
First, you must think like a moose. Close your eyes and think mooselike
thoughts. What would you think if you were a moose? Picture yourself with
antlers. Do not actually put a pair of antlers on your head to see what it
would feel like. This will do nothing for your concentration and will get
you many strange looks. Your family probably worries about you too much as
it is.
III. The actual trial: Is it live, or is it Memorex?
Concentrate. Picture in your mind what a moose call would sound like, and
let it out of your system. THINK like the moose. SPEAK like the moose.
BECOME ONE with the moose. Remember, not many people living today would
recognize an actual moose call if they heard one. They will never know the
difference.
IV. Practice
As with any other activity, practice makes perfect. This applies also to
the art of moose calling. If you are uncomfortable about showing your newly
acquired skill in large groups of company, practice in the privacy of your
own home or in an isolated area. Be warned, though, about making moose calls
out in the wilderness. The actual creatures may be offended.
Good luck. And may the Moose be with you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Due to popular demand, we bring to you the third chapter in this
intriguing saga of Travis and Phyllis.)
Travis and Phyllis, the Trashy Story
by Michael Oose
Travis and Phyllis found themselves in the airport lobby after having
been escorted off the plane from Tahiti, with a warning to control themselves
better next time. Travis whispered huskily in Phyllis' ear, "Around you I
could never control myself." All of a sudden, Phyllis remembered that she
had left her passport in her luggage and so couldn't go through Customs.
"Oh, Travis," she breathed, "we'll just have to go back." While their
escort was ogling a stewardess, the two lovers ducked out of the terminal.
While they thought no one was looking, they leapt onto the luggage bus that
was just departing from their plane. Sifting through the luggage, they
found Phyllis' matched hot pink set. Opening the largest suitcase, Travis
spied a piece of lingerie.
"Oh, Phyllis, remember when you wore this?" Their eyes locked, their
passion inflamed.
"Oh, Travis, I think we're going to disobey the airline officials."
she sighed. They were too involved in their renewed discovery of one another
that they didn't notice that the bus had ground to a halt.
Two gorilla-like beings started to throw luggage onto the conveyor
belt, and all unknowingly tossed the entwined lovers on with the rest of the
baggage. Phyllis landed first with a >whump<, cushioning Travis' fall. The
conveyor belt, groaning with the strain, brought them up and into the main
terminal of the airport.
While some passersby gawked, a polite man named Cullen graciously
removed his jacket and placed it over their sweaty, heaving bodies. They
paid no notice, however, and continued...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Horrorscopes for the month of January, 1990 in the year of our Moose.
(by Manny and Michele Oose)
Aries, the twisted antlered moose : Expect nothing special. The twisted
antlers of Aries are especially warped this time of year. We recommend that
you hibernate through this month. You won't miss anything.
Taurus, the bull-headed moose : Stop being so damn stubborn. You won't get
your way unless you take to blackmail. Be wary of men with funny looking
caps.
Gemini, the twin mooses : Taking part in a doublemint gum commercial could be
a bad career move. It will alert hunters to your location. You will also
discover that you have a long lost brother who is into disco and gold chains.
Cancer, the smoking moose : You are going to get very sick. Other mooses will
not invite you to their parties because of a dark cloud that surrounds your
head. Floss your antlers.
Leo, the roaring moose : Sit down and listen for a change. This might be a
good time to lay low and avoid large trucks. Take this time for a vacation in
Hawaii, or get your antlers trimmed.
Virgo, the you-know moose : Wipe that smirk off your face. Kiss a frog and
your outlook on life just might change. Look to the stars for a visitor from
out of town. Don't let them stay more than a week.
Libra, the well-balanced moose : You are about to take a long trip. The
people there will speak funny, and it will be cold. In the end you will enjoy
it, but bring your antlers as carry-on luggage, or you could be in for a big
surprise.
Scorpio, the poisonous moose : This is a good month to go food shopping. You
must remember, however, that the shopping cart is not a pull toy. You will
find a long lost relative in the frozen foods section.
Aquarius, the drooling moose : If you don't get help for this quite disgusting
habit of yours, you could be in for some real embarrassment. Remember, the
first step is to admit that you have a problem. Clean up your act.
Capricorn, the moose of the month : This is your time, dahling. Open your
eyes to the beauty of the world, and be happy. Become one with your
Mooseness. You will finally catch a truck this month.
Pisces, the fishy moose : Something smells bad, and it's probably the Chinese
food. Also, be careful what you step in. Your friends will be shocked if you
serve the chocolate moose at your next party.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Obituaries
(by Manny Oose)
DATELINE: DREW UNIVERSITY OCTOBER 25, 1989
A terrible accident has occurred here at Drew University that has authorities
completely baffled. It seems that the local VAX Zoo Keeper was the victim
of a cruel and merciless attack by what appears to be the kindly and innocent
looking animals kept here in the zoo.
"There are slide trails all the way back to the platypus pool, and a wombat
hole only feet away from the crime," says Drew Security officer Dun Kin.
"He was badly gored by the antlers of a large animal," he continues, "and we
strongly believe that the moose was involved, however, we have been unable to
get into the Harappa Pen to question the suspect."
When we approached one of the animals for comment, he quickly retorted, "I'm
glad he's dead. He kept making us get back in the cages. He used to torment
that poor moose to no end as well." With that, he turned and fled into the
night, in what appears to be a free night on the town for these creatures.
Authorities are unwilling to make comment on whether or not the bizarre death
of the zoo keeper, and a recent cactus suicide are related, but you can bet
that I, the roving reporter, shall keep you informed of further developments
in this case.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moose Tipping
(by Manny and Martin Oose)
My fellow m00ses...
I am here today to talk to you about a vile and terrible practice known as
"moose-tipping." I don't know about you, but it bothers me that I can't get
a good nights sleep with all those college students sneaking up and pushing
me over as I rest. If that's not bad enough, my antlers get stuck in the
mud, and when the mud freezes... brrrrrr... I'm sure I don't have to tell
you about antler frost. What are we to do about this?
Let's, for discussion's sake, create a hypothetical activity to perform on
sleeping humans. The human (say, her name is Diana) is sound asleep, totally
oblivious to the world. Mind you--this is rest sleep. We are making no
claims as to her normal state. Our intrepid band of m00ses creeps into her
room, carefully avoiding the waking of her roommate. They surround her bed
and stare at her for a few minutes, just to see if Diana will wake up and
notice. Then, slowly, they start to exhale on her. Clouds of noxious (to a
human) m00se breath float around her head. This still is not enough to rouse
the slumbering college student; step three must go forward. The m00ses start
to drool on her pillow. This will almost always cause any human to wake up
screaming--or at least give them the oddest dreams. Should this fail as well,
the m00se band could resort to such tactics as stomping around the room and
over the bed.
However, it works and Diana awakes with a scream of terror. The m00ses
immediately run out of the room and the building. The next morning, the now
hopelessly neurotic Diana is sent home to the care of her parents. It will be
some years before she is able to sleep soundly again.
If we were to do this to humans, they would be outraged. Why should they
treat us in ways that they do not wish to be treated? I say that all m00ses,
from this time forward, should wake a human whenever possible, until such a
day as they discontinue the practice of moose-tipping.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Assorted Moose Curses
(from the mouth of Michael Oose)
"May your antlers droop."
Believed to have originated somewhere in Southern California, this
curse echoes the sentiments of the age-old adage of "like totally
droopy dude."
"May you fall in love with a cow."
This actually occurred. The poor moose in question was subject to
media abuse for months and never survived the embarrassment. His
family reportedly threw themselves in front of a large truck.
"May your cacti turn brown and mushy."
No one is quite sure what this has to do with mooses, but apparently
an innocent cactus named Spike died in this horrible fashion.
"Your mother wears moose slippers."
Take a trip to the mall. You figure it out.
"May you be stuffed."
This does not mean to be like a Gund. Gunds are cute. This means to
have your head mounted on a plaque in some idiot's den.
"Bl00p You!"
[censored]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to avoid being shot during Moose season
(by Manny Oose)
1. Don't hide behind trees. Contrary to popular belief, the average hunter
will not believe that your antlers are branches.
2. Don't hang out under street lamps. It might look impressive to the
ladies, but when you have a few holes in your gut they'll want nothing to
do with you.
3. If you are being stalked, hide in a toy store. Don't look too stupid or
they'll think you're still alive. If they squeeze your belly, make a
sick moo noise. It might be embarrassing, but it's better than ending
up hanging on a wall looking down at some idiot with a pipe and slippers.
4. Don't chase cars. They _will_ notice you.
5. Carry a bigger gun.
5.1. Shoot first.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And so ends another proud episode of Dr00ling adventure. Tune in next month
when Mike says...
"Holy drool, Mooseman. How did that Moose get up in the tree?"
Same moose time.
Same moose channel.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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| ISSUE 3 Feb-Apr. 1990 |
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| M MM M 00000000 00000000 SSSSSSSS EEEEEEEE |
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| A m00se! A m00se! My kingdom for a m00se! |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Sorry for the delay, but the hunters were after me, and well, I'm a moose
with his priorities straight: 1) Survival 2) Sleep 3) Dr00l. Remember,
only a moose who is a public nuisance is worth listening to. This issue is
dedicated to all those lesser illuminated beings that hunt the mystic rabbit
of April.
-Mike Oose
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M00SE DR00L STAFF
Michael Oose (moose@drunivac.bitnet) Editor in Chief
Subscriptions
Manny Oose (nclarke@drunivac.bitnet)
Michele Oose (slewis@drunivac.bitnet) Assistant Editors
Cathy Ow (cow@drunivac.bitnet) Information
Think you're weird? Think you can write stories that m00ses can relate to?
Contact Mike Oose. He might have an assignment for YOU! (Wouldn't that be
dangerous?)
NEW in this issue: an editorial section. Yes, keep those comments coming. If
we like it, we'll print it with running commentary from the Dr00l Staff!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editorials:
From: ABLAKELY@DRUNIVAC
I was quite distressed to note in the horrorscope section of this issue
the horrorscope for Sagittarius was conspicuously absent.
Answer:
The half-moose/half-man is an abomination. Please do not remind us of
it in the future. Bleech. Some mooses will sleep with anything.
From: SYSTEM@DRUNIVAC
Ok, who is the idiot who created all those animal accounts on ALPHA and
BETA? Speak up or you'll all be chopped at the head and hung up on my
wall. This is an academic system, not a toy.
Answer:
Phthththth. (User deleted.)
From: V291NHTP@UBVMS (Pat Salsbury, DangerM00se)
You're a looney! :) (Not that tha's a bad thing, mind you!)
SO! Competition, eh? Harrumph!
I wonder if I'll have to think about that....
Feh. My brain is starting to hurt.
See ya!
Answer:
I actually prefer to be called warped and twisted. Competition? We
don't look at it that way. Besides, when did illuminati ever have
competition?
From: DICKSON@HARTFORD (Bill Dickson)
Just what the net needs! An *alternate* m00se magazine! May you spread
it far and wide, and may it bring fame and increased circulation to both
the M00se Illuminati and its first magazine. May all m00ses grow
together!
Answer:
Sure, we'll help you and the others out, but do you really want _our_
help?? That mooses growing together sounds sick to us. Don't they get
tangled?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Asian mooses seek wealthy Americans for potential divorce settlements.
Send photo and SASE for details.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mooses for a Better America
by Mike Oose (their poster boy)
In recent moose-type news here at Drew University (the University in the
rapidly dwindling forest), a conference was held by some big-shot speaker on
the enigma of death. Being among the first to catch onto the "death-thing"
in modern conferences, we introduced the Angel of Death at our own conference
called "Experiencing the Enigma of Death" and made a killing so to speak. We
plan to put this show on the road later this year, so it may be at a school
near you sometime. You'll know when the telltale solid black posters start
appearing (and by the blood smeared on your neighbor's door)... We also hope
to have our "Mooses' Guide to the Afterlife" available sometime in March. I
myself have had an offer from a movie company to make the "Angel of Death"
movie followed shortly by the soundtrack and action figures. For a condensed
version of this sequence of death-related events, read this message backwards
at full speed and one of our representatives will tell you where to go.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yo! Mooses don't Rap. Mooses prefer to sing. It's just not all that good.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Travis and Phyllis, The Trashy Saga Continues...
by Mike Oose
Chapter 3
Travis and Phyllis found themselves in the airport lobby after having
been escorted off the plane from Tahiti, with a warning to control themselves
better next time. Travis whispered huskily in Phyllis' ear, "Around you I
could never control myself." All of a sudden, Phyllis remembered that she
had left her passport in her luggage and so couldn't go through Customs.
"Ohh, Travis," she breathed, "we'll just have to go back." While their
escort was ogling a stewardess, the two lovers ducked out of the terminal.
While they thought no one was looking, they leapt onto the luggage bus that
was just departing from their plane. Sifting through the luggage, they
found Phyllis' matched hot pink set. Opening the largest suitcase, Travis
spied a piece of lingerie.
"Oh, Phyllis, remember when you wore this?" Their eyes locked, their
passion inflamed.
"Oh, Travis, I think we're going to disobey the airline officials."
she sighed. They were too involved in their renewed discovery of one another
that they didn't notice that the bus had ground to a halt.
Two gorilla-like beings started to throw luggage onto the conveyor
belt, and all unknowingly tossed the entwined lovers on with the rest of the
baggage. Phyllis landed first with a >whump<, cushioning Travis' fall. The
conveyor belt, groaning with the strain, brought them up and into the main
terminal of the airport.
While some passersby gawked, a polite man named Cullen graciously
removed his jacket and placed it over their sweaty, heaving bodies. They
paid no notice, however, and continued...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Coded message follows: htaed sih dekaf elkniwllub <transmission complete>
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
News from the Field
ANCHORAGE, Alaska (MPI) -- Deep snow, high winds, volcanic ash, crazy
temperatures and pissed-off mooses combine to make Saturday's start of the
1,158-mile Anchorage-to-Gnome Idiotarod Sled Dog Race the most challenging
ever for the 70 men and mooses and 1,200 dogs competing in the adventure.
"The guys are saying this might be the most challenging ever are probably
right," said Montana Oose, the race's only four-time winner.
Some of the deepest snow in decades has forced moose into the contest. The
huge lumbering antlered animals, trying to avoid energy-sapping walks through
10-foot snow, have made a surprise entrance in this year's contest. "Hey, we
can make a few bucks too," chortles one moose.
This winter moose have attacked people walking down their driveways
to get their mail, stomped sled dogs on Idiotarod training runs and even
charged Alaska Railroad engines trying to reclaim the tracks. "We play to
win," the mooses say in defense of their actions.
Veteran musher Jerry Ackle, who said "the competition makes this
the worst year in the history of the Idiotarod," is packing a semi-automatic
AR-15 for protection. Ackle's encounter with the moose was one of two in the
race. He shot and killed a moose Monday after it tried to stomp the team
run by Beatrice Eaver. He was later surrounded by a bunch of mooses and
was drooled on until he drowned/froze.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Was it a momentary lapse of reason, or the first step on the road to recovery?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike Oose's Country Chartbusters (AroooOOOooooo-ee!)
Compiled by Michele Oose
10. Bird Nest in My Antlers - Grampa Harappa's Jamboree Band
9. My Dog Died - The Antler Brothers
8. Discordian Mooses' Illuminated Square Dance - Moose in the Pyramid
7. Forever and Ever Arooooooo - Travis and Phyllis
6. I Love A Drooly Night - Eddie Rabbit
5. Always In My Fur - Nelson Riddle and his Foot-Stomping Orchestra
4. Those Truck-Chasin' Blues - The Head-On-The-Wall Gang
3. My Wife's Run Off, and She's Taken My Mind - Moosey Waters
2. Tip Cows, Don't Love 'Em - Karl Kam00se
1. I'm So Blue, I Could Drool All Over You - Traditional
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here we are at Drew University, where we have secretly replaced the
administration with Weeble replicas. Let's see how long it takes those
annoyingly politically active students to make some banners slandering
harmless Weebles just so they can get in the newspaper and look like fools.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How To Be A Moose (Part II)
by Manny Oose
9. DO eat like a moose. Always manage to get at least half of what you're
eating on the floor. Potato chips are a valid substitute for line printer
paper.
10. DO sleep with your mouth open, so that your noxious moose-breath will
fill the room and destroy any insects that might attempt to eat your food.
11. DO stay away from cows. They can ruin a moose's good reputation.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the end. Our computer doesn't seem to be willing to cooperate with
us on this, so I will make this closing brief.
Sometimes mooses have problems with their teeth. So you can take them to the
dentist. You must also try not to step on mooses, because it hurts them.
So, until the next issue... beware of giant hedgehogs.
Mike Oose, your loyal and devoted public nuisance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
T H E E N D
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
magazines/M00SE/index.gemini
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# M00SE
M00se Dr0pings Magazine (1988-1990)
## FILES
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/dr00l2 [ 14492] M00SE Dr00l Issue 2, January 1990
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/dr00l3 [ 11846] M00se Dr00l Issue 3, February, 1990
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se.cha [ 4575] The Official Charter of the M00se Illuminati
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se.his [ 6551] The Official History of the M00se Illuminati
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se.inf [ 3556] Information on various M00se Illumanati Subdivisions
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se.rev [ 1199] Bill Dickson's M00use Update
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se01 [ 11147] M00se Droppings Issue #01, June 17, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se02 [ 7793] M00se Droppings Issue #02, June 24, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se03 [ 16195] M00se Droppings Issue #03, July 6, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se04 [ 10963] M00se Droppings Issue #04, July 14, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se05 [ 16800] M00se Droppings Issue #05, July 22, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se06 [ 16996] M00se Droppings Issue #06, August 3, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se07 [ 12100] M00se Droppings Issue #07, August 15, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se08 [ 14538] M00se Droppings Issue #08, August 19, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se09 [ 10156] M00se Droppings Issue #09, August 26, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se10 [ 10302] M00se Droppings Issue #10, September 4, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se11 [ 30000] M00se Droppings Issue #11, September 9, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se12 [ 9422] M00se Droppings Issue #12, September 19, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se13 [ 19117] M00se Droppings Issue #13, September 19, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se14 [ 23466] M00se Droppings Issue #14, October 3, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se15 [ 21831] M00se Droppings Issue #15, October 7, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se16 [ 21632] M00se Droppings Issue #16, October 31, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se17 [ 8541] M00se Droppings Issue #17, October 15, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se18 [ 7885] M00se Droppings Issue #18, November 20, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se19 [ 17291] M00se Droppings Issue #19, November 20, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se20 [ 21826] M00se Droppings Issue #20, December 9, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se21 [ 43890] M00se Droppings Issue #21, February 9, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se22 [ 35137] M00se Droppings Issue #22, March 2, 1988
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se23 [ 44906] M00se Droppings Issue #23, April 24, 1989
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se24 [ 55435] M00se Droppings Issue #24, May 12, 1989
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se25 [ 25308] M00se Droppings Issue #25, May 18, 1989
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se26 [ 21514] M00se Droppings Issue #26, June 2, 1989
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se27 [ 24269] M00se Droppings Issue #27, June 19, 1989
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se28 [ 22786] M00se Droppings Issue #28, June 30, 1989
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se29 [ 14468] M00se Droppings Issue #29, September 5, 1989
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se30 [ 26309] M00se Droppings Issue #30, November 1, 1989
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se31 [ 25752] M00se Droppings Issue #31, November 3, 1989
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se32 [ 44141] M00se Droppings Issue #32, November 10, 1989
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se33 [ 33147] M00se Droppings Issue #33, November 17, 1989
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se34 [ 27405] M00se Droppings Issue #34, December 1, 1989
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se35 [ 23928] M00se Droppings Issue #35, December 8, 1989
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se36 [ 34003] M00se Droppings Issue #36, December 16, 1989
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se37 [ 26791] M00se Droppings Issue #37, January 27, 1990
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se38 [ 23757] M00se Droppings Issue #38, February 19, 1990
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se39 [ 19721] M00se Droppings Issue #39, March 21, 1990
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se40 [ 26774] M00se Droppings Issue #40, April 9, 1990
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se41 [ 27372] M00se Droppings Issue #41, July 6, 1990
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se42 [ 28540] M00se Droppings Issue #42, July 14, 1990
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se43 [ 23460] M00se Droppings Issue #43, August 9, 1990
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se44 [ 24030] M00se Droppings Issue #44, Septembet 8, 1990
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se45 [ 27020] M00se Droppings Issue #45, October 4, 1990
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se46 [ 25628] M00se Droppings Issue #46, November 25, 1990
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/m00se47 [ 43130]
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/md.048 [ 50104] M00se Droppings issue #48 (June 13, 1994)
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/md.049 [ 50498] M00se Droppings Issue #49 (July 13, 1994)
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/md.051 [ 17485] M00se Droppings Issue #51 (November 13, 1994)
=> gemini://informis.land/textfiles/magazines/M00SE/ml002.txt [ 7502] MOOSE Lite #2 (Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Stupidity Snare)
magazines/M00SE/m00se.cha
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OFFICIAL CHARTER OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI
1) CHAPTERS: Each and every member of the M00se Illuminati is his or her own
chapter. He or she is also the Bull M00se (spiritual leader), Grand Poobah
(political leader), and treasurer (money-handler) of his own chapter.
Therefore, a chapter could be listed as such:
THE BILL DICKSON CHAPTER OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI
Bull M00se: William R. Dickson
261 Newt Road
Aberdeen, CT 06011
(223) 699-1545
Grand Poobah: Billy Dickson
261 Newt Road
Aberdeen, CT 06011
(223) 699-1545
Treasurer: Bill Dickson
261 Newt Road
Aberdeen, CT 06011
(223) 699-1545
2) THRONGS: Any group of two or more chapters gathered together in one place
is a throng. The more chapters, the bigger the throng.
3) SYMBOL: The symbol is a four-sided, eleven-step pyramid with an eye in
the top step and a three-pronged antler on either side. It once was
thought impossible to draw with text characters, but a case of extreme
boredom one day was cured by the invention of a text-character symbol.
/\
___ / \ ___
/ \ __ / \ __ / \
| \ / \ _ / <()> \ _ / \ / |
| \_/ \_/ \_/________\_/ \_/ \_/ |
\_________________/__I___I___\_________________/ This smaller version
/_I___I___I__\ is used when time or
/I___I___I___I_\ space is short.
/___I___I___I___I\
/__I___I___I___I___\ _ /\ _
/_I___I___I___I___I__\ / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
/I___I___I___I___I___I_\ \_____/ () \_____/
/___I___I___I___I___I___I\ / \
/__I___I___I___I___I___I___\ / \__/ \
/_I___I___I___I___I___I___I__\ /__________\
4) SECRET M00SE SIGN: Thumbs to side of head, fingers outstretched to simulate
antlers. Usually accompanied by the Secret M00se Call.
5) SECRET M00SE CALL: BL00P! (Taken from Bloom County.)
6) PURPOSE: To confuse, obfuscate, bewilder, and befuddle the masses.
7) POLITICAL AFFILIATIONS: Varies according to the chapter. The M00se
Illuminati as a whole will support any chapter's beliefs. Thus, the M00se
Illuminati may, at any given time, be supporting any number of contra-
dicting philosophies.
8) NEW MEMBERS: Any chapter can dub new members so long as it uses a silly,
meaningless ceremony that is made up on the spot to do so. It would be
very nice if the Bill Dickson chapter (DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET) were
notified so it could record the new member/chapter. This will allow the
Bill Dickson chapter to send all chapters any new information.
9) SECRET NUMBERS: The secret numbers of the M00se Illuminati are 11 (the
number of steps in the pyramid) and 13 (11 + two antlers). Be on the
lookout for these numbers, as they may hold some significance. Also watch
out for 31 (13 transposed) and 11 (11 transposed).
10) PLURAL: The plural of M00se is M00ses--NOT M00se, moosies, moosi, moosei,
moostachios, or Bim Skala Bim.
11) SLASHED 'O's: The 'O's in M00se, Bloop, and all other EXTREMELY m00sey
words are slashed: 0. This apparently originated in the opening credits of
Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Unfortunately, it is impossible to do
this with the lower-case on a computer. In fact, it is now difficult to do
it with the upper-case, as most computers no longer have slashed zeros. We
use the zero where we would want a slashed 'o' anyway, to remind us that we
are making an attempt. Please draw the slashes in if you print a hardcopy.
12) FLEXIBLE RULES: Any of the rules may be changed except for numbers 1, 3,
4, 5, 10, and 11. If you attempt to change a rule in such a way as to
create a paradox, remember that m00ses don't care about paradox.
13) ALWAYS REMEMBER: Bloop! Bloop bloop? BL00P! Bloop? BL0000000P!
magazines/M00SE/m00se.his
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THE OFFICIAL HISTORY OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI
(Updated July 12, 1990)
ORIGINS
In South Windsor High School, located in the suburban hell of South
Windsor, Connecticut, in the school year of 1983-84, a junior named Christopher
S. Phillips was greatly interested in m00ses. He believed that m00ses are not
only some of the most peaceful animals in existence, but also far more
intelligent than they are generally given credit for.
Coincidentally -- or perhaps not -- a sophomore, William R. Dickson, had
just finished reading the _Illuminatus!_ trilogy by Robert Shea and Robert
Anton Wilson. Greatly intrigued by the idea of secret conspiracies controlling
the world, he talked about it constantly.
Then, one day during a particularly dull geometry class, another junior
named David s Tarr told Chris and Bill that it could be interesting to form a
conspiracy whose goal would be to confuse the public by strange but relatively
peaceful means. It could be called the M00se Illuminati.
Putting their heads together, they worked out the hypothetical details. A
symbol was invented, secret mystical synchronicity numbers were agreed upon, a
secret signal was worked out, and a secret call was stolen from a comic strip.
Suddenly, without warning, they were confronted by a senior, Mike Harm.
He showed them a design he had worked out for a M00se Illuminati shirt. With a
few modifications he was ready to mass-produce the shirts. Due to the creative
efforts of this odd fellow, the M00se Illuminati had finally become a reality.
Bill, Chris, Dave and Mike were joined by several of their friends, and
soon after came the fateful day when the secret conspiracy revealed itself to
the poor, sheep-like occupants of South Windsor High. It didn't take long for
the established system to crumble, to be replaced by the sleek, modern power of
the M00se Illuminati. A small rebellious group was formed, but it was ignored,
and consequently short-lived.
REFORMATIONS
The first reformation of the M00se Illuminati occured in 1985, when the
charter was transferred from a TI-99 word processor (printing on a silver
scroll about 2" wide) to a $20,000 typesetting machine at the high school. A
new shirt design was designed and produced.
By the end of 1986, the M00se Illuminati had grown to a world-wide
organization, with chapters in Norway, Japan, and Germany. By mid-1987, it had
expanded still further, with a large throng at the University of Connecticut, a
smaller one at the University of Hartford, and individual chapters scattered
throughout the world.
The organization fell into hard times then, slumping as members were
scattered too thinly to maintain meaningful contact between each other. The
"real world" pressed close; many chapters were now too busy to continue their
work of furthering the causes and expansion of the M00se Illuminati. It began
to look as if only a major discovery, or a miracle brought about by Leviam00se
itself, could save the M00se Illuminati.
The discovery was made, and the second reformation began.
William Dickson, one of the original founders, was finally a freshman in
college. By pure coincidence -- or perhaps not -- he was introduced to Bitnet,
the intercollegiate computer network.
The second reformation of the group came to pass then, when Bill send the
information file of the M00se Illuminati to the Stony Brook Underground, a
listserv list dedicated to the expansion of human knowledge. The information
file suddenly seemed to have a life of its own; it found its way to every
corner of the Net, and responses flooded in. The organization was suddenly
much larger, consisting of approximately 50 chapters by the end of a month.
In early 1988, this expansion triggered a negative response. Suddenly,
without warning, a copy of the charter fell into the hands of the Grand
People's Fascist Monarchy of Nebutu, also knows as "the Martins." A massive
power struggle ensued, lasting for at least a fortnight. The M00se Illuminati
was, of course, victorious, but in the interest of furthering confusion in the
world, the Martins were allowed to maintain the self-delusion that they had
won.
The third reformation began June 1, 1988, when the Bill Dickson chapter
started work on what was to become a (fairly) regular electronic newsletter:
"M00SE DROPPINGS: A-M00se-ing Anecdotes and Illumination By and For the Pawns
of the M00se Illuminati." Once again, the size of the group increased
dramatically, reaching 100 Bitnet chapters by mid-December.
In January 1989, the Bill Dickson chapter became unable to fulfill his
duties as editor of "M00se Droppings." Two exemplary m00ses from Central
Connecticut State University stepped in and took over at issue #21.
In October 1989, Goblin and Salmon M00se, who were extremely busy, turned
the editorship over to the Buffalo thr0ng, at the Bill Dickson chapter's
suggestion. Pat Salsbury, AKA Warm00se, took over as chief editor at issue
#30.
THE PRESENT
The M00se Illuminati is currently in the midst of its fourth reformation.
In response to an increasing level of fascism on the part of the United States
government, the Bill Dickson chapter became morally outraged. The Buffalo
thr0ng was in a slump, so Bill took the reins of "M00se Droppings" back in hand
with issue #41. He is attempting to introduce a political level to the group,
without compromising the oddness, integrity, and (of course) intrigue that it
originally possessed.
Two major current projects are the establishment of contact with the
hundreds of m00ses who do not have access to computer networks, and plans for a
paper, snail-mail version of "M00se Droppings." Coupled with several minor
projects, such as a M00se Illuminati dictionary and an official M00se
Illuminati standardized system of measurement, the M00se Illuminati is
experiencing a new period of vitality. Even with a major falloff in the number
of cyberm00ses (due to summer vacation and graduations), we have over 170
chapters on the Net, with several more being added every day. This is truly a
new renaissance for the M00se Illuminati, indicative of our ever-increasing
power over the workings of the world.
You now know our history and our present -- our future will be more
glorious still.
Pickle
magazines/M00SE/m00se.inf
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INFORMATION ON VARIOUS M00SE ILLUMINATI SUBDIVISIONS
1) THE SOUTH WINDSOR AUTODUELLISTS OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI
SWAMI was formed to keep the streets clear of dangerous drunk drivers,
idiots, Yugos, orange trucks, the guy who, suddenly and without warning, turns
left in front of you when you have the right of way, and other things that
could in any way interfere with the pleasure of any m00se's driving. SWAMI
units are not above the hijacking and looting of ice cream trucks. The
vehicles of individual SWAMI units are vastly different from one another,
excluding one thing -- all are heavily armed and armored, and all are driven by
highly proficient autoduellists.
2) THE SECRET M00SE SERVICE
The S.M.S. was formed in 1986 by a man whose real name cannot be printed,
for obvious reasons. He may only be referred to as 'Chip'. The S.M.S. was
formed to protect m00ses from the subversive influences of various rival
groups, especially the Ancient and Powerful Illuminati of Bavaria. Enemy
agents are usually tickled and forced to eat pickled herring by our torture
expert, one Opus P. Bell. The S.M.S. naturally uses covert means to reach the
ends it desires, occasionally calling in SWAMI units for military-type
operations. All m00ses can rejoice in their new-found freedom from worry now
that the Secret M00se Service is protecting them.
3) CHAOS ENGINEERING
MII 321 CHAOS Engineering
MII 321 offers a comprehensive study in CHAOS Engineering. There are no
technical prerequisites as such, but a comprehensive background in sarcasm,
subordination, obfustication, and random behaviour patterns are highly
recommended. Students will learn various methods of non-violent actions
designed to be counter-productive to the machinations of any sort of
administration, large or small. Such methods will include back talk, petition
drives, subversive paper work (see also MII 274 Forms Substitution for Maximum
Disruptive Effect), and malicious sign posting. Non-lethal weaponry will be
briefly discussed, and covered in depth in the course's continuation, MII 322.
MII 322 Advanced CHAOS Engineering: Use of Non-Lethal Weaponry
MII 322 picks up where MII 321 left off, and covers extensively the use of
such Non-Lethal Weapons such as water guns, water grenades, powder bombs,
shaving cream, and, for extreme cases, splat-ball guns. There is a $75 lab fee.
THE OFFICIAL M00SE ILLUMINATI SUGGESTIVE SOURCE MATERIALS LIST
Subsection One: Books
Anything by Dave Barry
Bloom County books --by Berke Breathed
Bruce's Loose Tooth --by Eileen Landay
Hitchhiker's Trilogy, the --by Douglas Adams (all possible versions)
Illuminatus! --by Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson
POLITICS@UCF1VM (send this command to LISTSERV@UCF1VM: SUB POLITICS Your Name)
Superguy Digest (send this command to UMNEWS@MAINE: BBOARD SUBSCRIBE SUPERGUY)
Various poems by Chris Phillips, in particular Ode To Stuff
Subsection Two: Audio-Visual Media
Any Charlie Brown movie --by Charles Shultz
Any movie --by Monty Python
Brazil --by Terry Gilliam
Garden of the Gods --by Sandstone, Wind Erosion, and Millions of Years
Subsection Three: Role-Playing and Other Games
Illuminati --by Steve Jackson Games
Toon --by Steve Jackson Games
If you have anything to add to this Official Information File, like a new
subdivision or new suggested something, send it to Bill Dickson at:
DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET
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Date: Not much
From: Bill Dickson <WRDJ@CRNLVAX5>
Subject: A bl00p from the grave
To: Penguin Opus <PIRMANN@pilot.njin.net>
Hi all. I'm still alive, more or less, and living in Ithaca. I'm working
slowly on a M00se revival, but it'll take work.
But that's not what I'm writing about now. I'm writing about four things.
1) If anybody has the most recent version of the M00se files (three separate
files), please send them to me. They disappeared in my travels.
2) I'm working on a big petition to get Dave Barry's name on the 1992
presidential ballot. I'm also going to send him a m00se shirt and a copy of
the charter. If any of you can possibly spare the time, I'd love it if you'd
snail-mail your signatures to: Bill Dickson, 102 N. Tioga 4th floor, Ithaca,
NY 14580.
3) Again, I am looking for an editor to revive M00se Droppings. Judging from
past experience, this person should be: A college student, with some free
time, with unlimited time on the campus computer system ($50 funny money/week
just won't do the trick), and who can extract submissions from people with
decent regularity.
4) Just trying to find out who's still out there!
Bl00p,
Bill Pickle M00se.
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M O// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOO0 P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #1 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | June 17, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
----------------------
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
----------------------
EDITORIAL: By Pickle
Well, here it is. The first issue of M00se Droppings: A-M00se-ing
Anecdotes and Illumination By and For the Pawns of the M00se Illuminati.
(Big inhale....long, slow, bl00ping exhale.) With this innovation we move
one step closer to confusing the entire world. Just think -- even now,
the FBI may be opening a file on you. "John Doe, June 17, 1988, began
receiving literature from a possibly subversive organization...." I don't
know about you, but in five years, I'm going to write and ask for a copy
of mine. I understand they have to give it to you, but they can black out
anything they don't want you to know with a magic marker.
For a sudden change of topic, the newsletter distribution may be changing
soon. This first copy is being sent from me directly to everybody on the
list. However, as the list expands, Bitnet may start complaining seriously
every time I send an issue. What I'd like to do is send an issue to one
m00se at each node, who would then be responsible for sending it on to all
the rest of the m00ses at that node. This will be most beneficial with
the expansion of the Governor's School chapter to a thr0ng of about 150
chapters, something due to occur in several days. Please let me know if
this is satisfactory to everyone.
Now, the newsletter itself. It will be divided up into sections, the
first being editorials (like this one), and letters from anybody to all
the m00ses. Send important news, and letters, to me with 'Editorials'
somewhere in the Subject of the letter.
The second section will be for non-fiction accounts or announcements
of m00se events: Party invitations, reports on how parties went, reports
on projects for the promotion of confusion, whatever. Send any mail for
this section with 'Events' somewhere in the subject.
The third section will be for fiction and poetry. I'd prefer original
stuff, and I'm not copywriting it or anything, it that's important. If
there's something non-original that you think is really great and want to
post, send it along. Whenever possible, list the author with it. Send
mail for this section with 'Fiction' somewhere in the subject.
The fourth section will be for miscellaneous nonsense. For example, the
perhaps slightly tasteless horoscope in this issue. Send anything that doesn't
seem to fit into the other three sections to this one, with 'Nonsense' in the
subject.
The last part of each newsletter will be an updated list of all those
m00ses who want to be on the general list, assuming there are any more.
One last thing before I go and leave you to the rest of the newsletter.
In the rush of adding new chapters to the list, I may have added people
without sending them M00se.Info, the basic file. If you receive this issue,
and you do not have a copy of the file, let me know and I'll send you one.
Well, that's all from me for now. On with issue 1, and the first
submission ever received for M00se Droppings!
---------------
EVENTS AND NEWS
---------------
(Submitted by Sabre)
There is now a public csnews forum created by fellow m00se
RainMaker called m00se csnotice! This is open to anyone with bitnet
access and can be subscribed to by the simple sending of the following
message to csnews@maine:
csbb subscribe m00se csnotice.
Please send this info out to any and all m00ses, and you may
just have your job with m00se droppings made that much easier.
Bl00p! Sabre!
------------------
FICTION AND POETRY
------------------
0de to M00seNess
--- -- ---------
OH! to be a m00se,
not an ordinary moose,
but an extraordinary m00se!
Spreading confusion through
peaceful means, I roam the streets,
bl00ping softly to myself as I peer
into the gloom of the average lifestyle,
pitying the trapped souls of those who
know not deliverance - the deliverance
of the m00se illuminatus, and the
Illuminati with which I thr0ng!
bl00p I say, and bl00p again!
bl00p bl00p bl00p BL00P!
In my peaceful eyes confusion reigns,
yet I shall not drown, for in confusion
I find peace, tranquility, harmony...
and in my pocket I find a fully-inflatable
four-man (or m00se) raft to keep me above the currents.
And now, my m00se stomach tells me it is time to graze,
so graze I must, until *munch* *munch* *munch*.............
*burp*
co. Frank 0rzech0wicz, Villan0va Thr0ng, June 13, 1988
--------------------
(Submitted by Lord Rassilon)
If you're an Illuminatus, El M00se won't hassle you. That's
his calling.
El M00se, Illuminati agent extra-ordinare, was on his sixth
absinthe when he finally got tired of tolerating the plebian
banter which was indigenous to his locale. He ground out his
Marlboro on his left wrist and rose, unslinging his Uzi. He
squeezed off a couple hundred rounds, leisurely wiping out the
bar's blue-collar patrons. The bartender tried to nab him from
behind, but El M00se cut him into two pieces with precise bursts.
Re-shouldering his weapon, he sighed and strode from the premises.
Hhhmmm, he thought, my boss will have to pay the cops a pile
of money when he discovers I wasted a barful of proletarians.
----------------------
MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
----------------------
* * * YOUR STAR SIGN HOROSCOPE * * *
(Submitted by Lord Rassilon)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in
contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are
a prick.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have dogged
determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and
bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20) You are quick and intelligent and a thinker. People
like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too
much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are liars,
notoriusly bad lovers, and thrive on incest.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off.
That's why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are
pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest
criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and
kiss mirrors a lot.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This
shit-picking is sickening your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often
fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
reality. If you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and
monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra's die of
venereal disease.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You
shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.
You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murderers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a
reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of
Sagittarians are drunks and potheads. People laugh at you a lot because you
are always getting fucked.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You
are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance. You should kill yourself.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 19) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be
progressive. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractical. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PISCES (Feb 20-Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are
being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends
and people resent you flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are
generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M O// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOO0 P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #2 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | June 24, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
----------------------
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
----------------------
Editorial from Pickle:
Hi m00ses! Here we have issue two, which is not very large. If
you would all make submissions it would be larger (obviously). So let's
have those stories, party announcements, subversive plans, etc!
As promised, in this issue we will discuss the distribution of the
newsletter. A couple of ideas have been suggested, and they follow:
Letter from Kamikaze:
>Pickle:
>
>Hi there big kahuna!
>
>Got another thought for you to cut down on the number of copies sent. With
>the relatively low number of nodes you have now, maybe what you might want to
>do is have distribution sites, rather than just nodes. In other words, set
>things up something similar to the LISTSERV's that are all over the place.
>For example, you could send a copy to me, and then I would send to all others
>at the Villanova thr0ng, as well as the Haverford thr0ng, and the Bryn Mawr
>chapter, all of which are rather close to my node. In this way, we could
>expand (as we know we will) in the number of nodes we are gathering at, without
>increasing the number of copies you yourself send out. Once we start getting
>large enough, we can incorporate the one-receiver-per-site idea as well, so
>that I, as the, um, let's call it the Mid-East-Coast-and-any-parts-South
>distributer, would send to one person at the Haverford thr0ng, and let him/her
>get it to all the others there. Sound good? Let me know, I'd be happy to
>invest the time in deciphering the Bitnet mappings to figure out the best
>Bitnet-geographic places for distribution sites.
>
>Kamikaze/Rick
And another from Sabre:
> Dear m00ses,
> If a simple bull m00se may make a suggestion...why don't we
>simply have all the m00ses subscribe to m00se csnotice? I'm
>already posting the m00se droppings issues as fast as they come in
>here...if everyone subscribes to m00se csnotice, Great Herd Leader
>Pickle will only have to send each issue of m00se droppings to
>the csnews facility, and then all us m00ses can bl00p with
>delight as it is hand delivered by csnews to our own e-mail boxes.
>Furthermore, csnews will send it flat, in a protective brown
>wrapper...and if you subscribe now, you'll also recieve, at no
>extra charge, the Csnews useguide! Put it proudly next to your
>relay useguide and the notices from your cs deparetment!
> Also, consider the advantages to regestration with Csnews...
>after all, once there, you can sign up for any number of discussions--
>informative info on Comic books, Startrek, SCA, Audio Equipment,
>Computers, and so on....
> For those of you who like to read stories...well, there's Sfstory,
>a little ditty I cowrite. It's a very M00selike story, and once even
>included a talking m00se!
> bl00p forever,
> Sabrem00se
I think it would be easiest if we all subscribed to CSNEWS. Then comes
a big question, though: Do you want to continue to send me submissions,
and I'll compile M00se Droppings and post it to CSNEWS (thus using it merely
as a distribution method) or should we drop the newsletter format, and just
have everybody post to CSNEWS (thus using it as a listserv of sorts). Let
me know what you think. I suppose we could do both, posting to CSNEWS for
casual banter, and I'll compile fiction and things into M00se Droppings.
Tell me what you think ASAP, and we'll try and reach a conclusion
before next friday. And until then,
Bl00p and farewell,
Pickle
---------------
EVENTS AND NEWS
---------------
There is no news this week.
------------------
FICTION AND POETRY
------------------
There is, however, a song, submitted by Sindex. Author unknown, he got
it at a con some time ago.
M00SE
When I was a young man i used to like girls,
I fondled their curves and I patted their curls,
But me girlfriend ran off with a salesman named Bruce,
You'd never get treatment like that from a M00se!
Chorus:
So it's M00se, M00se, I like a M00se,
I've never 'ad anything quite like a M00se,
I've 'ad many women, my life has been loose,
But I've never 'ad anything quite like a M00se!
Now when I'm in need of a very good lay,
I go to me closet and gets me some hay,
I opens me window and spreads it around,
'Cause M00se always comes when there's hay on the ground!
Chorus
Now I've made it with all kinds of beasties with hair,
I'd make it with snakes if their fangs were not there,
I've made it with walrus, two ducks and a goose,
But I've never 'ad anything quite like a M00se!
Chorus
Now gorillas are fine for a Saturday night,
And lions and tigers, they puts up a fight,
But it just ain't the same when you slams their caboose
As the feeling you gets when you 'umps with a M00se!
Chorus
(slowly)
Now that I'm old and advanced in me years,
I'll look back on me life, and I'll shed me no tears,
As I sit in me chair with me glass of Mateuse,
And play hide the salami with Molly the M00se!
Chorus
----------------------
MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
----------------------
Apart from the above lewd song, there is no nonsense in this issue. Quite
agreed, quite agreed, too silly, too silly.
magazines/M00SE/m00se03
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #3 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | July 6, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
----------------------
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
----------------------
Yet another editorial by Pickle.
Well, fellow m00ses, it seems to have been decided. We are going
to use CSNEWS for banter and discussion, but M00se Droppings will be
distributed by m00ses, starting with me and branching out in a path that
Kamikaze is working on. He is arranging things (so I hear) so that nobody
will have to send more than 5-10 pieces of mail.
In the meantime, those of you who haven't subscribed to CSBB M00se
Discussion on CSNEWS do so! I sent the command a few days ago, if you forgot
it let me know and I'll tell you again.
Some of you may have noticed that this newsletter is late. As I
said, this is because GuS, my computer, is sick. Now that I'm back in a
VAX lab, I'm all set, except GuS is still sick. Hopefully it'll be all
better soon.
And now, since I haven't much to say, on with the newsletter.
---------------
EVENTS AND NEWS
---------------
Wolverine and Kamikaze hosted a few other chapters in the world's
first Fourth of July Thr0ng-a-Thon. Here is their report.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
On July 1, Starfire, Hobgoblin, and Scamp arrived in the Philadelphia area
to meet with Wolverine and Kamikaze for the first-ever "Fourth of July
Thr0ng-A-Th0n". This is their story.
Kamikaze> Friday....why does everything always happen on Friday? First, I
get to go to work from 8am til noon (meaning I have to get up at 6am),
then ride to my physical therapy (for my bum shoulder) (that's an 11
mile ride), then get back home and *try* to get cleaned up before the
expected 4pm-5pm invasion. Well, I got showered, dressed, then
realized my shirt needed ironing *sigh*, then my mother tells me to
do some vacuuming, so I do that while the shirt cools, and just as I
put the vacuum away, I see a familiar car go driving right past my
house and on up the hill. So I rush to put my shirt on and stand at
the door, waiting to see how long it would take for them to realize
they missed something. Mere moments later, they arrived...I called
Wolvie, told him they were there (all right, so he had to beat it out
of me...I do like to be difficult with him sometimes ;-)
Wolverine> After I got done work, my room-mate and I headed to Kamikaze's
house where I was raped by his dog (as usual). You have to under-
stand that Kami's dog loves sticking her nose into my private areas,
and while I love animals, I don't LOVE animals, if you get my
meaning. [don't you believe it...he really likes it, otherwise he
wouldn't keep coming back for more, right?....Kami] We then had
dinner curtesy of Kami's mom, and departed to see Roger Rabbit! A
magnificent movie! Some kids were throwing popcorn up in the air,
so I joined 'em. *devious grin* I got to rumage through Stacey's
purse until the movie started. She had some of the wierdest things
in there, including one VERY old jellybean.
Kamikaze> Well, the movie was great, but *I* really enjoyed the first feature
that they showed prior to WFRR. Let's all reach deep down and give
from the heart to the Will Roger's Institute....sorry folks, I like
charity events and whatnot, but not when I've already been milked
$5.00 to see a movie...I want to see the movie, not a bunch of out-of-
work stars doing a charity bit....
Wolverine> We then headed back to my apartment, where we watched movies until
late in the night. Kamikaze and Scamp then left for his house,
where Scamp was going to be staying in a guest room. (Starfire and
Hobgbolin had to settle for my floor.) Those of us staying at my
apartment stayed up until 3 am or so. Oh, and the superintendant
came down and complained that Starfire was laughing too loudly. At
3 a.m. I went to bed, leaving Star and Hob to stay up until 4 a.m.
talking.
Kamikaze> Humph...and they complained about being tired....Scamp went right to
bed (and I assume right to sleep, I didn't look)...I got lucky enough
to be hit with insomnia that night, so I didn't bother to sleep at
all...and was actually more awake than anyone else the next day.
Wolverine> Saturday morning we all woke up, watched "The Real Ghostbusters" on
TV and ate home-made eggrolls until it was time to depart to the
Philadelphia Zoo. I actually made money from the deal. (It was a
3.50 entry charge, handed the cashier a 10, and got 11.50 back in
change 8*) Then i started howling at the wolves, who were already
howling. Wandered the Zoo for several hours, and then got lost
coming home thanks to some lousy detours.
Kamikaze> Now wait a minute....we did not get lost, just took a brief,
unscheduled local tour. I knew where I was the whole time, as
evidence by the fact that we did not have to turn around at any time.
Anyway, the Zoo was more or less well enjoyed, most down time being
from tired and hot folks...the Large Cats house and white tiger
seemed to be one of the overall favorites, along with the primate
house.
Wolverine> That night we played D&D, and I actually had a woman sleep in my
bed! At last!
Kamikaze> Now before you all think he got lucky or that one of the girls was
blind drunk (just kidding Wolvie...put those claws away)...Hob was
one of the more exhausted members of the weekend, and we all told
to do herself a favor and stop falling asleep in the chair and go
crash in the bedroom, and Wolvie offered his bed to her. Sorry big
guy, but nice try anyway ;-)
Wolverine> Okay! So her and I are only friends and I slept in the other room!
Details, Details! Anyway, we all crashed rather late that night,
and subsequently slept late Sunday morning. (Actually, Hob had
been up earlier than any of us.) We then sat around, watched
_The_Untouchables_, until it was time for The Gals From Up North
to depart. (And then my room-mate and I spent several days cleaning
up.)
Kamikaze> Hey, don't look at me like that...I helped with some of the cleanup
to...but after all, I spent the whole weekend chauffering everyone
around, because there wasn't any comfortable way to fit the six of
us into Scamp's car...my mother was a bit worried when she found out
that over 175 miles got put on her car over the weekend, and we never
left town...
Wolverine> So all in all, it was an enjoyable experience, and we are looking
forward to the next Thr0ng-A-Th0n, wherever and whenever it may be.
Bl00p forever!
Wolverine & Kamikaze
------------------
FICTION AND POETRY
------------------
>>Fiction from Wolverine<<
"I'm a M00se," he thought. "I know it...they don't. That's not the
problem. I like it that way. The problem is keeping them from knowing it."
He thought this while walking the wrong way down a busy sidewalk, constantly
jostling people due to the fact that he was going in the opposite direction
of everyone else. They were annoyed; he didn't mind. He liked it like that.
"Fucking plebs," he thought. "Get a life."
Pushing his cart through the Acme, he looked around at the people
surrounding him. "More plebs," he thought disgustedly as he tossed a package
of Devil Dogs into his cart. Walking down the next aisle, he grabbed a
jar of peanut butter and tossed it into the cart. The jar hit the package
of Devil Dogs and crushed it. "I gotta get away from these plebs," he
thought. They're makin' me sick. Look at 'em! Brainless cattle trodding
through the dulldrum of their common, everyday lives. Suckers."
Waiting in the check-out line, he saw a little kid in the next line
throwing a temper tantrum as his mother tried get hom out of a cart. Kicking
and screaming, he flailed out and knocked over a display of Tupperware as she
lifted him out of the cart. "That's it kid," he thought. "Fight 'em. It's
the only way." He was brought out of the reverie of his thoughts by the
teenage girl at his cash register.
"Hey mista'! Yer Devil Dawgs're crushed! Ya' want another box?" she
asked, cracking the huge wad of gum in her mouth.
"No," he replied. "I like it that way."
Walking back to his apartment, he saw a car accident on 49th Avenue.
A car making a left turn from Sussex Avenue onto 49th slammed into a
'79 Caddy. A little guy in polyester suit got out of the Caddy and started
shouting at the guy who hit him. The other guy was a little guy in a
polyester suit too. "Both of them'll probably call 'Lawyers-R-Us tonight,"
he thought. "What a joke."
Getting home, he dumped his Acme bag on the kitchen table and plopped
down in his easy chair. Grabbing the remote control, he started flipping
through TV channels until he came across The Oprah Winfrey Show. Orca's
special guest today was Morton Downey Jr. They were supposed to have
a slug-fest, with the winner getting the chance to punch Johnny Carson in
the face. "This oughta' be interesting," he thought. He had already placed
a fifty dollar bet on Morton earlier that day with his bookie. "Let's just
hope this one last longer than the Tyson-Spinx fiasco," he had told his
bookie. "I had to go to the john and wound up missing the entire fight."
After the opening credits rolled, Oprah stepped into the ring area that had
been specially set up for the event. In another minute, Morton stepped into
the ring, brandishing a 2-by-4 with a mouth painted on one end. He swung
it at Oprah`s head, but it bounced harmlessly off of Oprah's hair, which
had been styled earlier by Don King himself. "This should be really
interesting," he thought, reaching for the crushed box of Devil Dogs.
co. Frank Orzechowicz June 30, 1988
(P.S. Blame it on last night's full moon.)
----------------------
MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
----------------------
(Here is a shamelessly pirated Monty Python excerpt sent by Beez and altered
by your friendly editor.)
Subject: Rocky vs. Rambo on Friday the 13th at Elm Street IV:This
time its personal
Good evening. Here is the news for m00ses. No m00ses were involved
in an accident on the M1 today when a lorry carrying high octane
fuel was in collision with a bollard...that is a bollard and not a
m00se. A spokesman for m00ses said he was glad that no m00ses
were involved. The Minister of Technology today met the three
Russian leaders to discuss a $4 million airliner deal. None of
them went in the woods or practiced passive resistance against
hunters with large guns by staring at them with big, soulful eyes.
And now for part three of `A tale of Two Cities', adapted for m00ses
by Joey Boy.
===============================================================================
And last but not least, an update on the list of m00ses on Bitnet. Please
inform me if anything is incorrect!
Bryn Mawr chapter M_PETTIT @ BRYNMAWR Midland Maniac
Boston University chapter CLXLAUC @ BUACCA Rorshach
Cornell chapter CBRY @ CORNELLA Ladykate
Lansing, NY chapter B45J @ CRNLVAX5 Half-Elf
Connecticut State U thr0ng CEBELENS_CHR @ CTSTATEU The Red Mage
CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU Indiana Joe
WITHALL @ CTSTATEU Hobgoblin
Hartford thr0ng DICKSON @ HARTFORD Pickle/MOON ROACH!
SZIMMERM @ HARTFORD Greymalkin
Haverford thr0ng K_KRAVITZ @ HVRFORD Q.
S_BLINN @ HVRFORD Sean Blinn
Loyola thr0ng STASA @ LOYVAX Phoenix
PAMELA @ LOYVAX Mommydammit
SETH @ LOYVAX Seth
Maine thr0ng BURNS @ MAINE Sabre
IO80222 @ MAINE RainMaker
RFK350B @ MAINE Guardian Angel
Michigan Tech chapter WJB @ MTUS5 Sindex
Penn State chapter WCF @ PSUECL Bill Fenner
Stony Brook thr0ng CHOBBIE @ SBCCVM Admiral Lord Nelson
RRKHAN @ SBCCVM Romel
WALL @ SBCCVM Wall
Sweden chapter ICE @ SEQZ51 Ice
Siberacuse thr0ng EBLIVING @ SUNRISE Eric Livingstone (sp?)
JBANKERT @ SUNRISE CHAOS Engineer
RABEELER @ SUNRISE Beez
RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp
LIBLJR @ SUVM Niniane
Towson State U. chapter S76NING @ TOWSONVX Paul
Trinity thr0ng FANTASYG @ TRINCC Trinity Fantasy Guild
OPER3 @ TRINCC Razz
Governor's School chapter GSRHAMBY @ UTKVX3 Cocker
Villanova thr0ng 188622462 @ VUVAXCOM Kamikaze
193588131 @ VUVAXCOM Wolverine
Wesleyan thr0ng JBLUESTEIN @ WESLEYAN WabeWalker
JVINCENT @ WESLEYAN Lord Rassilon
RSIMON @ WESLEYAN Roanic
Washington State U. thr0ng 24945863 @ WSUVM1 Bard
23480853 @ WSUVM1 Ishtar
Xavier chapter BRUGGMNJ @ XAVIER John
magazines/M00SE/m00se04
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #4 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | July 14, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
----------------------
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
----------------------
There are no real editorials this week. All I have to say is that
Kamikaze has nearly completed the forwarding map for the new distribution
method. Hopefully the map itself will be included in issue #5, and we can
start using it as of issue #6.
Oh, yes, many of you still have questions about subscribing to the
CSNEWS m00se discussion. Issue the following command to CSNEWS@MAINE with
an interactive message:
CSBB SUBSCRIBE M00SE
You will then receive lots of help files that will explain how to
post messages to the list. We can thank Sindex for sending me the command
after I accidentally deleted it.
---------------
EVENTS AND NEWS
---------------
There was a thr0ng-a-thon in Baltimore this past weekend, which
I attended (hence the lateness of this issue!) My report will be included
in issue #5.
------------------
FICTION AND POETRY
------------------
No original stuff this week. You may be thinking, "What a dull
issue!" But wait.....there is lots of:
----------------------
MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
----------------------
Lots of nonsense this week. This is from Wolverine:
The following article was taken from the pages of "National Lampoon's
Yellow Journal" section and is fiction, not fact.
==============================================================================
Millions Cheer As Cher Keels Over Dead
-------- ----- -- ---- ----- ---- ----
The nations of the world are a little closer this month, thanks in part
to the recent death of seventy-four-year-old health-club spokesunit and
Oscar winner Cher, who suddenly degraded into her component elements during
the filming of a new spa commercial.
In celebration of the blessed event, the Palestinians and Israelis have
agreed to peace talks, Iran and Iraq have called a cease-fire, and the
Nicaraguan contras have surrenedered their weapons. Pope John Paul II has
called a special Mass in Rome, calling the death "proof positive of a God
who cars and takes and active part in imporoving the lives of men."
The cause of death has not been determined. The actress/singer/monlith
was last seen entering a hot steam bath. Details are sketchy, although
bystanders report hearing screams of "Gatemaster, give me another year,"
followed by a soft gurgling sound. No remains were found other than a
small piece of tinfoil the deceased often wore as an evening gown.
==============================================================================
In a seemingly ordinary letter, to add Damsel to the M00se Illuminati,
Lord Rassilon wrote:
> Amelia Goldberg (AGOLDBERG) aka: Damsel
> also wishes to M00se.
You will notice that Lord Rassilon used 'm00se' as a verb. I hereby
propose that we use 'm00se' as a verb whenever it seems appropriate, but
certainly not to the nauseating extent that those little blue creatures
used 'smurf' as a verb.
--Pickle.
===============================================================================
Last but not least, Beez sent us this song:
> Here is a song which is one of my favorites but I don't know who
>did it. If you do include it make a note that if anyone has a clue who did
>it, send a message to me. Also, if anyone wants a copy I will bring my tape
>to Camp Relay II: The search for M00se. Thanx.
The Mail order ad song
Fell asleep last night with the TV on,
Oh, what a dream I had.
Drempt I went and answered every single one of those
Late Night Mail order ads.
And four to 6 weeks later,
Much to my surprise,
The mailman came to my front door,
And I couldn't beleive my eyes
When he brought the
Vegematic, and the pocket-fisherman too.
The illuminated illustrated history of life,
Boxcar Willie with a ginsu knife.
A bamboo steamer and a smokeless ashtray,too.
And a tyed-dyed souviner shirt
From six flags over Burbank.
Well the doorbell rang all morning,
And all through the afternoon.
I shook with fright as it rang all night
Under the light of the Mastercard moon.
There was parcel post in the pantry,
UPS in the hall,
COD's to the ceiling,
And I just couldn't pay for it all.
When he brought the
Egg Scrambler, with a seal-a-meal carrying case.
A set of presidential commemorative plates,
So I can eat my eggs off the president's face.
A minute mender and a garden weasel too,
And an Autographed photgraph of Rin-Tin-Tin
At six flags over burbank
Well I realized I was dreaming,
So I gave a rowdy cheer.
But when I awoke, it was no joke,
Cause all that Shit was here!
So if you fall asleep with the tv on,
Let me tell you what to do.
Rip the telephone out of the wall,
Unless you want it to happen to you.
Cause you'll get the
Vegematic, and the pocketfisherman,too.
Illuminated Illustrated history of life,
Boxcar Willie with a Ginsu knife
A bamboo steamer and a needle that will knit or Croqhet,
And A tyed-dyed souviner shirt
From six flags over burbank.
=============================================================================
And, of course, another update on the General M00se list. We have somewhere
around eight new chapters, pushing our total BITNET thr0ng to over fifty
chapters, bl00p to you all and welcome! I apologize that you didn't get
personal mail from me, but it's been a very busy week...
Once again, look this list over and let me know if anything looks wrong.
If you told me once and I still didn't correct it, bear with me. I don't
always think straight.
Alaska thr0ng JSJPC1 @ ALASKA Jonathan
JSMDG @ ALASKA Martin
Bryn Mawr chapter M_PETTIT @ BRYNMAWR Midland Maniac
Boston University chapter CLXLAUC @ BUACCA Rorshach
Cornell chapter CBRY @ CORNELLA Ladykate
Lansing, NY chapter B45J @ CRNLVAX5 Half-Elf
Connecticut State U thr0ng CEBELENS_CHR @ CTSTATEU The Red Mage
CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU Indiana Joe
PHINNEY_AVK @ CTSTATEU Phredde
WITHALL @ CTSTATEU Hobgoblin
Hartford thr0ng DICKSON @ HARTFORD Pickle/MOON ROACH!
SZIMMERM @ HARTFORD Greymalkin
Haverford thr0ng K_KRAVITZ @ HVRFORD Q.
S_BLINN @ HVRFORD Sean Blinn
Loyola thr0ng MARY_B @ LOYVAX Mary Beth
PAMELA @ LOYVAX Mommydammit
SETH @ LOYVAX Seth
STASA @ LOYVAX Phoenix
Maine thr0ng BURNS @ MAINE Sabre
IO80034 @ MAINE The Dragon
IO80222 @ MAINE RainMaker
RFK350B @ MAINE Guardian Angel
Michigan Tech chapter WJB @ MTUS5 Sindex
North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 Nathan Irwin
Penn State chapter WCF @ PSUECL Bill Fenner
Stony Brook thr0ng CHOBBIE @ SBCCVM Admiral Lord Nelson
RRKHAN @ SBCCVM Romel
WALL @ SBCCVM Wall
Sweden chapter ICE @ SEQZ51 Ice
Saunacuse thr0ng EBLIVING @ SUNRISE Eric Livingstone (sp?)
JBANKERT @ SUNRISE CHAOS Engineer
RABEELER @ SUNRISE Beez
RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp
LIBLJR @ SUVM Niniane
Towson State U. chapter S76NING @ TOWSONVX Paul
Trinity thr0ng FANTASYG @ TRINCC Trinity Fantasy Guild
OPER3 @ TRINCC Razz
U of New Hampshire chapter J_BUTMAN @ UNHH Oliver
Governor's School chapter GSRHAMBY @ UTKVX3 Cocker
Villanova thr0ng 054649739 @ VUVAXCOM Satoru Ushiyama
188622462 @ VUVAXCOM Kamikaze
193588131 @ VUVAXCOM Wolverine
580074787 @ VUVAXCOM Colin O'Connell
Wesleyan thr0ng AGOLDBERG @ WESLEYAN Damsel
JBLUESTEIN @ WESLEYAN WabeWalker
JVINCENT @ WESLEYAN Lord Rassilon
RSIMON @ WESLEYAN Roanic
Washington State U. thr0ng 24945863 @ WSUVM1 Bard
23480853 @ WSUVM1 Ishtar
Xavier chapter BRUGGMNJ @ XAVIER the WILD ONE!!
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D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOO0 P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #5 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | July 22, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ***************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi all! Here is Issue #5. You'll notice that it is being sent on a
Friday, as the first couple issues were. With any luck, I'll be able to
send them every Friday.
Thanks to the efforts of Kamikaze, we are now using the New Improved
Distribution Method. It should be nice and easy to use, but if there are
any problems let us know ASAP! We don't want to lose anybody.
And now, on with the issue.....
NOT GETTING ENOUGH MAIL?
========================
This is a plea to all m00ses on behalf of myself and two fellow
m00ses (Nathan Irwin and Dragon) to subscribe to sf_story csnotice,
the same way you subscribed to m00se csnotice. Please, the
offer is free, the m00ses needy, and all you have to do is
call now...offer not available on all computer systems.
Sabre
NOT GETTING *ANY* MAIL?
=======================
As a postscript to my last letter, here are a few other csnotices I
feel m00ses will like....
m00se--already told you about that one.
sf_story--see last letter.
st_story--A startrek story I'm writing. Not very m00selike,
but bl00p it all, I'm going to toot my own horn!
Jqp_story--A story fellow m00se Rainmaker is writing.
startrek--for all you trek-types, this one's all about anything and
everything having to do with trek.
sex--a fun csnotice if ever I've read one.
latenite--Late Night with David Lettermen. Need I say more? I
for one think we should make Dave a m00se anyway, you know?
humor--self-explainatory
And others...god there are others. So, get off your m00sing
A**es and subscribe. That command sequence again....
tell (or whatever) csnews@maine csbb subscribe <topic-name> csnotice
In a future letter, I'll tell you how to request back volumes.
Ok? OK!
Sabre
FOR THOSE WHO REMEMBER SATURDAY MORNINGS...
===========================================
M00SE.
a verb.
sounds like the subject of a schoolhouse rock to me...
heheh
mommydammit
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS *******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INTERESTED IN OTHER PEOPLE'S VACATIONS?
=======================================
On July 8th, 1988, the Pickle chapter of the M00se Illuminati packed up and
headed for Baltimore, MD for a thr0ng-a-thon and concert. This is his story.
JULY 8, 1988 (Approximately 3:30 P.M.): Car packed. Food and tapes on
passenger seat. Full tank (30-35 gallons) of premium gasoline. Mad River
Explorer on roof racks. An estimated 4700 lbs. of car, driver, supplies, and
canoe hit the road. Itinerary: bank, Triple-A, Highway 84w.
(App. 4:00 P.M.): Bank accounts now empty. $105 in pocket. On way to AAA,
1-liter bottle of Coca-Cola Classic assaults car and driver. Theory:
poltergeist in bottle. Go to AAA, get card. Coke is corrosive; as it would
not do to leave it on the car, head for nearest car wash.
(App. 4:30 P.M.): While entering gas station to pay for car wash, realize that
there is Mad River Explorer on roof racks. Curse, head for nearest non-
automatic car wash in South Windsor.
(App. 5:30 P.M.): Car Washed, Dairy Queen cherry Misty Freeze in stomach, on
84w. Just before passing Farmington exit, realize that there are no clothes
suitable for concert in duffel bag. Snarl a lot, take Farmington exit home.
(App. 6:00 P.M.): Finally hit road with pants, shirt, mismatched but dark
socks, shoes, borrowed tie. Determined to call Stasa at approximately 10:00
P.M. to tell her I'll be 2 hours late.
(App. 11:00 P.M.): Realizing have forgotten to call Stasa. About to seek
phone when sign leaps out of bushes and states "Baltimore 58 miles." Realize
in amazement that the trip is two hours shorter than expected.
(12:02 P.M.): Arrive at Stasa's home and habitation, 2 minutes late. Present
flowers and Asti and apologize. Ponder the realization that the Supertanker
quaffed down at least two quarts of oil on the trip.
(The time periods between events will now increase.)
(Saturday, July 9, 1988): Wake up. Accompany Stasa to pool. Meet her fellow
lifeguards. Add weight to theory that one of the requirements of being a
lifeguard is a stunning appearance in bathing suit. Avoid looking too
stunned, read book. Several hours later, impressive electrical storm puts on
spectacular audiovisual display. Back to Stasa's house, change, meet Q. and
friend with fast car, head out to meet Grup thr0ng. See _Who_Framed_Roger_
Rabbit_. Meet straggling Grup chapters, head for dinner. In attendance:
Stasa, Q., Q.'s friend (Steve?), Sybil, Fast Eddie, Markus, Mommy Dammit, Mary
Beth, Paul?, Mike, Damion (sp?), Damion's support group, myself. In no
particular order. Sorry if I missed someone. Fries, beverages, joke,
homeward. Mary Beth actually was ill and missed dinner, but at least we
got to see her. Home, sleep.
(Sunday, July 10, 1988): Pool again, many of those listed above in attendance
for pool party. Stasa proves that she is paid too little. Many scorched
m00ses. Sunglasses wars. Home and sleep.
(Monday, July 11, 1988): Wake up, discover everybody was right and shoulders
were, in fact, burned. Take painful shower. Outdoor temp once again 100+.
Stasa leads the way to the Gunpowder river. Very pretty, much cooler, and
infested with some kind of biting fly. Back home, collect Mary Beth, go to
Harbor Place, or Inner Harbor, or whatever its real name is. Comic shop fails
me second time in a row, does not have a single thing I'm looking for.
(Doesn't carry Warlock 5?! "Not much call for it 'round here", they say.)
Buy delicious fudge. Take Mary Beth home, go back to Stasa's, sleep.
(Tuesday, July 12, 1988): Observe spectacular storm at 2:00 am. Go with
Stasa to Loyola, receive as gift from Mike an account of my own. Back
to Stasa's for a while, then back to Loyola, get wiped out by Mike in
Conquest. Back to Stasa's again, leave with Mr. Appel to concert. German
and Austrian dancing and music. Inside for the concert. Piano concerto,
intermission, Ninth Symphony. First movement lacking, but second incredible.
Third and fourth very good. Howard Johnson's for dinner and snack.
Discovery: HoJo's is not a rathole everywhere. This one is more like
Denny's. Back once more, and sleep.
(Wednesday, July 13, 1988): Awake, farewell to all. Drive to Harbor Place,
shop and eat a little more. Hit the road home.
NOTE: New Jersey bashing ahead.
All was going well when a sign announced "This way to 95 north/NJ Turnpike".
Figuring, since I was already on it, that there was construction ahead
on the turnpike, I took the exit. And ended up on Route 1 North, with
a traffic light every half mile or so, for an hour. In heavy traffic.
Can't use air conditioner in stop-and-go. Suddenly realize what those
sneaky bastards had done! (Later confirmed by parents, this detour has
been there for years.) On either side of the road are thriving roadside
businesses, all of which would probably go out of business if people could
take 95 around them! If thoughts could drop bombs, New Jersey would be
a smoking wasteland right now, rather than just a wasteland. As if that
weren't enough, they charge $3 to leave NJ via the big suspension bridge.
I forget what it's called. They don't charge you to enter NJ!
Rest of trip without incident. Oh, except for one item of note... on
the NY-CT line is Danbury, CT. In it is the Danbury Federal Correctional
Institution. On the way past it going into CT is a sign:
FEDERAL CORRECTIONAL INSTITUTION
DO NOT PICK UP HITCHHIKERS
This sign does not exist on the other side of the road, as you travel
toward NY. Does this mean it's been stolen by a convict/hitchhiker, or
that CT doesn't care if escapees head for NY?
Well, that's my report. Not the best piece of writing I've done, but
hey! It's the summer!
Pickle.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once again, there is no fiction and poetry this week. Send me some and
I'll publish it. Please.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SOMETHING FIENDISHLY M00SY TO DO...
===================================
Ahoy there! How's life going? What, you have a lot of time on your hands?
Well here's something that will both occupy your time and make the world a
stranger place to live in...
You see, I have this roommate who badly needs to have something odd happen
to him, only he doesn't know it. And what better place to go to get something
odd done than here? So what I'm asking is that, if you've got the mind,
sit down and write a postcard. Don't put your name on it, don't put a return
address, and for god's sake *SEND NO CASH*. Leave the message part blank,
put something weird in it (and I know you can...), or maybe some argument
for/against the existance of something, or a math puzzle or just random
words, it doesn't really matter...so long as he's baffled, bewildered, and
bemused...(no threats would be best, I'm not out to give him sleepless
nights...)
And, if you really care, let me know and I'll give you the bleedin' fifty
cents or so it costs. And if you know somebody in a remote area who might
want to drop this fellow a line (really, he's a big cheese weenie), that
would be great (I'm trying for the largest geographical spread here).
So anyway if you're still with me, here's the address:
Eduardo Looney (no, not his name but it's pretty close)
3465 Edinburgh #7
Riverside, CA 92507
by the way I'm sending this both to the literary underground and weird-l.
Sorry if you're seeing it twice. And if you think it's a gross waste
of net resources to do this, well I'm sending this on a weekend, see? And
if you think it's the greatest idea since...well I'm sure you can think
of something, the tell a friend! or a fiend!
Thank you for your consideration...
Kevin "you're not getting my last name" Lund
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE **************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alaska thr0ng JSJPC1 @ ALASKA Jonathan
JSMDG @ ALASKA Martin
Bryn Mawr chapter M_PETTIT @ BRYNMAWR Midland Maniac
Boston University chapter CLXLAUC @ BUACCA Rorshach
Cornell chapter CBRY @ CORNELLA Ladykate
Lansing, NY chapter B45J @ CRNLVAX5 Half-Elf
Connecticut State U thr0ng CEBELENS_CHR @ CTSTATEU The Red Mage
CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU Indiana Joe
PHINNEY_AVK @ CTSTATEU Phredde
WITHALL @ CTSTATEU Hobgoblin
Hartford thr0ng DICKSON @ HARTFORD Pickle/MOON ROACH!
SZIMMERM @ HARTFORD Greymalkin
Haverford thr0ng K_KRAVITZ @ HVRFORD Q.
S_BLINN @ HVRFORD Sean Blinn
Loyola thr0ng MARY_BETH @ LOYVAX Mary Beth
PAMELA @ LOYVAX Mommydammit
SETH @ LOYVAX Seth
STASA @ LOYVAX Phoenix
Maine thr0ng BURNS @ MAINE Sabre
IO80034 @ MAINE The Dragon
IO80222 @ MAINE RainMaker
RFK350B @ MAINE Guardian Angel
Michigan Tech chapter WJB @ MTUS5 Sindex
North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 Nathan Irwin
Penn State chapter WCF @ PSUECL Bill Fenner
Stony Brook thr0ng CHOBBIE @ SBCCVM Admiral Lord Nelson
RRKHAN @ SBCCVM Romel
WALL @ SBCCVM Wall
Sweden chapter ICE @ SEQZ51 Ice
Siberacuse thr0ng EBLIVING @ SUNRISE Eric Livingstone (sp?)
JBANKERT @ SUNRISE CHAOS Engineer
RABEELER @ SUNRISE Beez
RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp
LIBLJR @ SUVM Niniane
Towson State U. chapter S76NING @ TOWSONVX Paul
Trinity thr0ng FANTASYG @ TRINCC Trinity Fantasy Guild
OPER3 @ TRINCC Razz
U California Riverside chapter WATKINS @ UCRVMS Kevin
U of New Hampshire chapter J_BUTMAN @ UNHH Oliver
Governor's School chapter GSRHAMBY @ UTKVX3 Cocker
Villanova thr0ng 054649739 @ VUVAXCOM Satoru Ushiyama
188622462 @ VUVAXCOM Kamikaze
193588131 @ VUVAXCOM Wolverine
580074787 @ VUVAXCOM Colin O'Connell
CONS040 @ VUVAXCOM The Doctor
Wesleyan thr0ng AGOLDBERG @ WESLEYAN Damsel
EAUBRY @ WESLEYAN ED
JBLUESTEIN @ WESLEYAN WabeWalker
JVINCENT @ WESLEYAN Lord Rassilon
JDOTY @ WESLEYAN The Keeper
RSIMON @ WESLEYAN Roanic
Washington State U. thr0ng 24945863 @ WSUVM1 Bard
23480853 @ WSUVM1 Ishtar
Xavier chapter BRUGGMNJ @ XAVIER the WILD ONE!!
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DDDD R R OOO0 P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #6 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Aug. 3, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ***************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once again, a late and rather small issue of M00se Droppings etc.!
There are a few things to note:
1) Several people have agreed that since they are signed up to
the M00se Illuminati discussion on CSNEWS, and receive M00se Droppings from
there, it would be best to be removed from the normal mailing list. This
is entirely up to you. If you wish to be removed from the normal distribution
network of M00se Droppings, let me or Kamikaze know. Please do so soon,
as Kami has mentioned the M00se Droppings Distribution Network Mark II,
and it would be rotten if he had to remove lots of people from it after
he worked on it.
2) Kami also suggested that, since M00se Droppings is often large,
I provide only updates of the general list every issue, with a separate
mailing of a full list now and then to make sure everybody's up to date.
I intend to take his suggestion; however, since this issue is short and
most of the changes to the list are alterations rather than additions, there
is a full list in this issue. We seem to have lost two members, Cocker
at Governer's School and one of our CTSTATEU chapters. If anybody has
information on these two missing m00ses, act on it as you see fit. We have
also added two members, the Old Dominion U thr0ng. Welcome, and bl00p!
3) GASP! In Autoduel Quarterly issue 6/2, somebody has dared to
write a letter claiming that a group called 'The Illuminati' controls the
Anarchist Relief Front! Since we, of course, control that group, or would
pretend to if we didn't, I suggest a letter campaign directed at Autoduel
Quarterly's ADQ&A department setting them right on this issue. If you're
interested, let me know and I'll send you the address to use. Thank Indiana
Joe for this piece of information.
And now, on with the issue.
PUBLIC RELATIONS OPPORTUNITY
============================
I received a notice yesterday informing me that the tuition for
out-of-state students is increased from $1600 to $1975 per semester
and the per credit hour fee is now $132 instead of $107. Does anybody
out there know whether foreign students who have stayed in NY state for
more than one year claim in-state student status? If not, can the
mOOse or the illuminati do something about this.
Helpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp
desperately yours
ALIEN
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS *******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As some of you may know, Camp Relay II: The Quest For M00se (as I
have heard it called) will be taking place this weekend. Those of you invited,
I'll see you there; those who weren't, sorry, it's a closed party. But
hopefully SOMEBODY will have a giant thr0ng party soon!
The size of this party will probably be such that it will be near
reaching 'critical m00se'.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, here's some fiction. I don't know if it's original or not, so i'm
putting it here. Unfortunately, I forget where it comes from, too. I think
a Maine chapter. Just haven't been that organized since my brakes failed...
Monday, I am going MOOS hunting. It is basically a simple activity,
but requires a good deal of advance preparation. In this business,
catching no MOOS at all is better than catching the wrong MOOS.
There are many different kinds of MOOS, different in both appearence
and disposition. They come in different colors too, but that doesn't
seem to make a whole lot of difference. The hunter must know, before
actually leaving the safety of the hunting lodge, what kind of a MOOS
he wishes to bag. This descision by itself can take many years, but
after a few mistakes, one learns quickly or perishes--MOOS are dangerous
game.
In order to catch a MOOS, you have to have a lure. Appearence is very
important, since a MOOS will tend to gravitate toward what it feels is
the best-looking in a crowd of hunters. Once you have managed to get
the MOOS at close quarters, the job becomes substantially more difficult,
so for the time being I'll talk about appearence preparation.
Clothing is essential. Most MOOS will shy away from naked hunters unless
they know them pretty well already. And in any event, I don't know too
many hunters brave enough to walk around naked in that jungle to begin
with.
As part of MY personal preparations, I first look over my wardrobe. This
is usually very depressing because I rapidly realize that none of my
clothing matches any particular fashion that has either existed in the
past or will exist in the near future. This can be a liability, since
weird clothing tends to attract weird MOOS (if any). Picking out what I
deem to be the best compromise out of the clean clothes pile, I then try
the outfit on. Well, the pants are a little baggy but they're comfortable.
The shirt has to go, though, because it makes me look too undefined. After
about three times through this rigamarole, I usually say "Fuck it" and
throw on an old sweatshirt and faded Bugle Boys (my one concession to the
world of fashion--and only because they're comfortable).
Once you have selected a (usually inappropriate) outfit, it's time to tend to
your bodily appearence. A shower is usually a good idea, because MOOS that
are attracted to excessive body odor are usually not attractive to YOU. After
stepping out of the shower and soaking the bathroom floor, it is necessary to
examine one's self in the mirror for a few minutes to make sure that--in the
unlikely event that you DO bring home a MOOS--that there won't be anything
embarassing showing when you (un)dress it.
During this time, you might bemoan the fact that nature did not endow you
with a more classically handsome facial structure--that is of course unless
you possess such a facial structure already, in which case I have a hammer
at the ready to help you with that problem. Eventually, you convince yourself
that you're not too bad looking--or at least that you're as good looking as
you're going to get without major reconstructive surgery. The stubble is
just at the right length, in any event.
Various personal hygiene activities follow (such as towelling off before you
soak through the floor and start dripping on the kitchen below), each
meticulously performed up to the point where you become disgusted with
performing them and give up.
Hair has always been a problem with me. Not that I have any lack of it, for
indeed it grows copiously on just about every available patch of skin on my
body. However, the hair on my head has always been a problem. After several
combings and rufflings which seem to achieve no effect other than to make
matters worse, I might stare wistfully at the can of Mousse my mother keeps
in the bathroom. But, alas, I made a vow long ago never to use that hideous
stuff, and with one final ruffle I decide to stick with the "windblown" look.
Personal hygiene activities concluded, the next step is putting your clothes
on. For most of us, this presents no major logistical difficulty... But then
again, I have been known to have been last seen hopping down the hallway
with my sneaker caught in my pantleg because I forgot to put my pants on
first.
Once dressed, a final view in the mirror is obligatory to judge the overall
effect. "Hey, not bad at all!" you might say to yourself--but the question
you must keep in mind is "Will it be effective in attracting the type of
MOOS I'm after?" Usually, the answer is "No," but since it is usually too
late to change anything by this point, your only options are to stay home
or throw trepidation to the winds and go out anyway.
Certain kinds of MOOS are attracted by the type of vehicular transportation
you use to get you to the hunting grounds. At one point in my life, I had
a nice, high-performance sports car to use--but ironically at that point in
my life I had no need to hunt for MOOS because I already had one. When that
MOOS went, the car went up for sale and now I have a $600 brown Chevette with
randomly distributed nasty dents. Not the kind of car, as Mr. Picher would
say, that one would use when "Cruising for MOOS."
One of the gravest errors that a MOOS hunter can comit is to hunt alone.
Not only is it more dangerous, but the MOOS will look at you and think that
if you can't even keep the company of another hunter you probably aren't
worth the trouble to investigate further. Another MOOS-hunter folly is to
hunt with someone who is substantially better looking than you are. There
is nothing more discouraging than seeing the MOOS you have in your sights
gravitate toward your hunting partner.
Once you have selected a hunting partner, the next step is finding a
location where you can hunt. Unfortunately, it seems as though any MOOS
"hot spots" are usually targeted by many, many, other hunters as well.
This makes the outcome of a hunting expedition more in doubt, but there
is little to be done for it except to persevere.
When you arrive at the hunting ground, you must set about making yourself
visible. You can do this by shouting "I want MOOS!" at the top of your
lungs, but then you be subsequently visible because there will be a large
area around you which neither hunters or MOOS will cross into.
The whole process after this point becomes too tedious to explain. Usually,
you end up with nothing, or with a MOOS that you decide you don't really
want (which is usually the result of not REALLY knowing what kind of MOOS
you want in the first place). After trying several locations, you and your
hunting partner usually give up and go home.
Of course, this is not to say that you did not enjoy your MOOS hunting
expedition. There seems to be some inner peace that comes from this
communion with nature, some natural tranquility that comes from pursuing
the dreaded MOOS and coming home completely skunked.
Eventually, the wise hunter realizes that active MOOS hunting is not
very fruitful or beneficial. MOOS seem to posses a great sense of irony,
because the good ones usually show up when the hunter isn't putting forth
any particular effort to find one. Unfortunately, the MTBMOOS (Mean Time
Between MOOS) seems to increase proportionately with the quality of the
MOOS. Ahh, well... C'est la MOOS, eh?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This was sent by the same person, but I'm putting it here in the hopes that
I got at least one of them in the right place.
MR. MICRO MEETS MS. MINI
Micro was a real-time operator and a dedicated multi-user. His broadband
protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output
devices, even if it did mean time-sharing. His links with authors and
editors connected him with many of Silicon Valley's expert systems and
artificial intelligentsia.
One evening, just as the sun was crashing, he arrived home and parked his
Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning)
and noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his
garden. "She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd like an update
tonight" he thought to himself.
He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32 bit
floating point processors. Even her parms were parsed! He hadn't seen
structured lines like this since his prom. "How are you, Honeywell?" he
asked.
"Yes, I am well," she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and
smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.
Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL
and a Prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking
all over. Fears of becoming a UNIX were soon fading like vaporware.
Micro settled for the straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone
tonight, and looking for an assembly," he said. "How about computing a
vector to by base address. I'll output a byte to eat, and we could get
offset later on."
Mini ran her priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then transmitted: "8K,
I've been dumped myself recently and a new page is just what I need to
refresh my discs. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet
you inside." She walked off leaving Micro admiring her solenoids. "Wow!
What a global variable! I wonder if she'll like my firmware?" Micro
thought.
That night they sat down at the process table for a form feed of fiche and
chips and a bucket of Baudot. Mini was in a conversational mode and
expanded on ambiguous argument while Micro gave occasional acknowledgments,
although in reality he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path
to her entry point. He finally settled on the old `Would you like to see
my benchmark' subroutine. But Mini was one step ahead. She was suddenly
up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of
her operating system software!!
"Let's get BASIC you RAM, and go for some downtime on the spread sheets,"
she panted. Micro was loaded by this stage; he was afraid his software
wouldn't respond. Fortunately, his hardware policing module had a
processor of it's own and soon was in danger of overflowing it's output
buffer - a hang-up that Micro had recently consulted his analyst about.
"Core!" was all he could say.
Micro soon recovered, however, and Mini went down on the DEC and opened her
device files to reveal her data set ready. His floppy soon was coming up
to speed. He acessed his fully packed root device and was just about to
start pushing into her stack when she executed an escape sequence by
popping back to level 1.
"Oh no!" she piped. "You're not sheilded!"
"Reset, baby," he replied. "I've been debugged."
"I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I'm not ready to support child
processes," she protested. "That would make me mother bored!"
"Don't run away," he said. "I'll generate an interrupt."
"No way! That's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design
philosophy."
Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned off.
She soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main
supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.
"Computers," she thought as she compiled herself at the asynch. "All they
ever think about is hex."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE **************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, whaddaya know, this is longer than I thought it was. The general
list will follow this issue in the mail. Until next time, Bl00p!
magazines/M00SE/m00se07
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #7 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Aug. 15, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ***************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello, all. As I write this, it is the only thing going into the
newsletter. I have received *nothing else*. If I'm going to keep this
thing coming out, I need contributions! Send interesting news, fiction,
anything! I've heard some GREAT ideas from some of you, but they don't
do me or any other m00ses any good unless you write them up and send them
to me!
Which brings me to the next topic. I've asked Sabre to stop forwarding
M00se Droppings to CSBB.M00se, mainly to ease up the load on BITNET that
must occur everytime M00se Droppings gets shot out of there (over 60 rather
large documents....) We DO want to keep using it, though! So here's what
it's for, at least in my opinion. Let's use, as an example, the plea we
had from a person suffering tuition overload, last issue (or was it the
issue before?) The initial document would go through m00se droppings, where
everyone can read it. Any discussion that follows, however, should take
place on csbb.M00se. This way, once a topic is started rolling in M00se
Droppings, it can continue at a much faster rate on CSBB.M00se.
As another example, there is an *extremely* m00sey idea in the works
at our Maine thr0ng. They are (supposedly!) going to write up a proposal
and send it to me, and I will include it in M00se Droppings. But we don't
want to wait for the next issue to come out to see what kind of thoughts
people have about this idea, so we would discuss it on CSBB.M00se. Perhaps
the final version would reappear in M00se Droppings, but all the modification
should be done on CSBB.M00se.
Well, it's now been several days, and I've received two items.
So here comes issue 7......
Bill.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS *******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
None this time, I'm afraid. Except in reference to Camp Relay II.
I discovered, to my bewilderment, that Kamikaze did not, in fact, name it
Camp Relay II: The Quest for M00se. *I* didn't make it up. I don't know
who did. But in any case, that wasn't the official name, it was Camp Relay
II only. There were, however, lots of m00ses there, and we had fun. Perhaps
someone will write up a report? (Hint, hint)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Again, none here.......
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Couple items for this. Namely:
>it was a sign!
>
>i was at a store today...and i saw tons of mason jewelry...
>and right next to a masonic ring, and cufflinks..there was a m00se.
>weird, huh?
>
>stacey
and:
-------------------- those that have ridden with her, know --------------------
THE ADVENTURES OF A FORD ESCORT..(Or driving with a crazy m00se)..
..(Or The Three wheel drive Ford escort)
The day was the day before this, Sunday August the 14th.
The Subject a blue Ford Escort..name unknown.
The driver a Stacey (Starfire?) strange name..
The passengers two obviously mentally unbalanced people..
calling themselves Sindex and Hobgoblin.
Hi! there, folks! M00selock Holmes here with a report on the strange goings on
of fellow m00ses..
It all started one evening in England when i was seated in my den awaiting the
famous ...oopps sorry..wrong tale...
The day was Sunday the 14th, the time 6:23pm..I was sitting picnicking near a
local reservoir (very m00se like hangout in the hot weather) when all of the
sudden i spotted some fellow m00ses out for a sunday drive. A nice day for a
quiet drive. I sat there drinking my tea in the shade as they tore around a
corner, careening towards a jogger and some kids (it was close by a half an
inch) and passed by in a blur.. I jumped up eager to find out where my fellow
m00se would be heading in such a hurry (spilled my tea too..) and got
into my truck, an orange Isuzu. The chase was afoot! I spotted them going out
of the reservoir and up a dirt road...(in a Ford Escort..incredible;
these americans are such brave people) I mean up! The road went up a hill
and into a field..The music coming from the car durring all of this was
varied...from Lost Boys to the infamous Beetlejuice sound track..
Well, that was too much..The question was were they trying to confuse the world
by showing that a ford escort is really an off road vehicle, or was the car a
transformer?
I put my Isuzu in gear and followed as they went straight into the woods..
The ford escort putted along fine until the road suddenly filled with ruts.
Well, to make a long story short the silly m00ses got themselves stuck good
in the middle of the woods in a ford escort. It was up to me to save the day.
Before i got a chance great clouds of smoke came out of the car..It occured
to me that they were thinking..egads!.. I heard Sindex mutter something about
the car being a three wheel drive car and the next thing i knew all was well..
The ford had transformed into super ford!! Pulling itself outa the ditch it
lurched forwards back down the road, spilling coolant along the way..(well
what do you expect from a Ford?).
Later i found out the folk had been in search of reservoirs that day to
do strange water rituals to escape the heat..(under water bl00ping?)
They ended their day with a chinese food dinner and a few close run-ins with
the local police..
Well thats all for now..Gota Vam00se..
M00selock Holmes......
Starfire:"the question is, what is M00selock Holmes smoking in that pipe?",
"Vanilla beans?" (a weird hallucinagenic substance..)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE **************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alaska thr0ng JSJPC1 @ ALASKA Jonathan
JSMDG @ ALASKA Martin
Bryn Mawr chapter M_PETTIT @ BRYNMAWR Midland Maniac
Boston University chapter CLXLAUC @ BUACCA Rorshach
Cornell chapter CBRY @ CORNELLA Ladykate
Lansing, NY chapter B45J @ CRNLVAX5 Half-Elf
B45J @ CRNLVAX5 The Innkeeper
Connecticut State U thr0ng CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU Indiana Joe
COLANGELO @ CTSTATEU Ken Colangelo
PHINNEY_AVK @ CTSTATEU Phredde
WITHALL @ CTSTATEU Hobgoblin
Hartford thr0ng BANKERT @ HARTFORD Scub
BEAUBIEN @ HARTFORD Sindex
DICKSON @ HARTFORD Pickle/MOON ROACH!
SZIMMERM @ HARTFORD Greymalkin
TANTS @ HARTFORD Scamp
Haverford thr0ng K_KRAVITZ @ HVRFORD Q.
S_BLINN @ HVRFORD Sean Blinn
Loyola thr0ng MARY_BETH @ LOYVAX Mary Beth
PAMELA @ LOYVAX Mommydammit
SETH @ LOYVAX Seth
STASA @ LOYVAX Phoenix
Maine thr0ng BURNS @ MAINE Sabre
IO80034 @ MAINE The Dragon
IO80222 @ MAINE RainMaker
RFK350B @ MAINE Guardian Angel
North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 Nathan Irwin
Old Dominion University Thr0ng MRH100C @ ODUVM Frizbog Gordnik
SAB100C @ ODUVM Sandi Bedford
Penn State chapter WCF @ PSUECL Bill Fenner
Stony Brook thr0ng CHOBBIE @ SBCCVM Admiral Lord Nelson
RRKHAN @ SBCCVM Romel
WALL @ SBCCVM Wall
Sweden chapter ICE @ SEQZ51 Ice
Saunacuse thr0ng CRUSSELL @ SUNRISE GypsyLynx
EBLIVING @ SUNRISE Eric Livingstone (sp?)
JBANKERT @ SUNRISE CHAOS Engineer
RABEELER @ SUNRISE Beez
LIBLJR @ SUVM Niniane
Towson State U. chapter S76NING @ TOWSONVX Paul
Trinity thr0ng FANTASYG @ TRINCC Trinity Fantasy Guild
OPER3 @ TRINCC Razz
U California Riverside chapter WATKINS @ UCRVMS Kevin
U of New Hampshire chapter J_BUTMAN @ UNHH Oliver
Villanova thr0ng 054649739 @ VUVAXCOM Satoru Ushiyama
188622462 @ VUVAXCOM Kamikaze
193588131 @ VUVAXCOM Wolverine
580074787 @ VUVAXCOM Fiben
CONS040 @ VUVAXCOM The Doctor
Wesleyan thr0ng AGOLDBERG @ WESLEYAN Damsel
EAUBRY @ WESLEYAN ED
JBLUESTEIN @ WESLEYAN WabeWalker
JVINCENT @ WESLEYAN Lord Rassilon
JDOTY @ WESLEYAN The Keeper
RSIMON @ WESLEYAN Roanic
Washington State U. thr0ng 24945863 @ WSUVM1 Bard
23480853 @ WSUVM1 Ishtar
Xavier chapter BRUGGMNJ @ XAVIER the WILD ONE!!
magazines/M00SE/m00se08
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #8 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Aug. 19, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ***************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THAT'S better. I received a few submissions this week, finally,
and we have a good issue (in my humble opinion as editor). Still waiting
on Sabre's contribution (hint-hint, Sabre!) but since his is extremely m00sey
and dangerous to the world's sanity, it's going to be worth the wait.
However, we must not slack off. Keep the contributions coming, so the
weirdness may continue. Remember, the fall semester is approaching fast,
and I am expecting and hoping that the number of BITNET chapters will explode
into hugeness. We want to welcome them with quality confusion.
Only two new chapters this time, they're listed below. Welcome to the
conspiracy!
And so, on with the issue....
-Pickle.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS *******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nothing really, here, but Half-Elf has requested that I make a note
in this issue in reference to Camp Relay II. She claims (I take no sides,
I'm the impartial editor) that it was proven that half-elves are faster
than kamikazes, since the was able to tag him from behind during the football
game. I, for one, can assure all m00ses that half-elves are much harder
than they look, and one should be careful when running into them, if one
wants to move during the following three days without one's muscles screaming.
-Pickle.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was preparing this issue when I got an urgent note from Wolverine, saying
(in effect): "Hold the presses!" (I've always wanted to say that.) I
did, and it was well worth it.......
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Author's Note: The following story doesn't really have anything to do with &
The M00se Illuminati. Although the main characters ARE members of the &
M00se Illuminati, the group they form is NOT sponsored by the Illuminati.... &
&
Or *IS* it? &
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Four seemingly normal men walk through the path that takes them to
Fall Creek, where they plan to spend the day swimming and relaxing. Unknown
to them, strange toxic chemicals have been recently dumped in the area. When
they dive in, the chemicals interact with their genetic DNA, forming a chain
reaction through their systems. They become.........
THE LARGE MANLY MEN IN WET CLOTHING
=== ===== ===== === == === ========
It was a peacful day at Fall Creek. The sky was crystal blue, the trees
a lush green, the water clear as glass. Suddenly, the stillness was broken
by a booming voice.
"KOW - A - BUUNNGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" the voice boomed as a truly large
manly body leapt into the air, curled into a ball of taut muscle and sinew,
and landed in the water with a thunderous crash. Water spewed forty feet
in the air. Sabre swam sputtering back to the surface, huge, bulking muscles
propelling him through the water at amazing speed.
Wolverine treaded water easily and applauded. "A truly manly cannonball,
Sabre!"
"A truly manly compliment, oh Wolverine," Sabre said, bowing his head.
"What a fine manly day it is!"
"Makes one glad to be a manly man," said Guardian Angel.
"A Large Manly Man in Wet Clothing," corrected Alacrity.
"Ah, yes. How stupid of me to foget!" said Guardian Angel.
"Anyway, 'twas a fine cannonball indeed Sabre!" G.A. said.
"Magnificent! Stupendous! Hhmm, what does our moll Dusk think of it?"
Alacrity asked.
Off to the side, sitting on a rock shelf was Dusk, trying her best to
look inconspicuous. 'I don't know these people...I never heard of these
people...I have no idea WHO they are,' she thought. Sighing, she thought,
'Why did I get stuck with them? I don't want to be their "moll"! Ever since
those toxic chemicals had been dumped in here that day, they've been acting
like this. This manly man stuff is driving me batty!'
"Well Dusk, what did you think?" Wolverine asked.
"It was, uh, very manly Sabre," she said.
"Why thank you Dusk! What a womanly thing for you to say!"
Just then, their attention was distracted by a small slide of loose
rocks. As the Large Manly Men in Wet Clothing looked up, they saw three
women in lavishly-done hairstyles, lead by a thin, scuzzy looking man.
The women were being careful to stay out of the spray of the falls, so as
not to wet their hair.
Wolverine gasped. "Good Lord! The Nefarious Hair Girls!"
"And their leader, The Scum Puppy!" Alacrity answered.
"They must have been sent by the Brotherhood of Evil Relayers." Sabre said.
"Shall we attack?" asked G.A.
"Maybe they're here to just swim," offered Dusk.
"Hah! Not the Nefarious Hair Girls!" said Wolverine. "They would NEVER
risk getting their hair wet! They must be planning something."
Just then, The Scum Puppy yelled out, "We know you are here, Large Manly
Men in Wet Clothing! Come out and face us!"
"They have affronted our manly pride and egos." said Sabre. "Manly men,
ATTACK!"
The large manly men leaped forward, hurling massive rocks and tree trunks
at the Hair Girls. As the storm of rocks and trees flew towards them, one
of the Hair Girls, Muffy, pulled out a large can of Super Strength Hair Spray
and sprayed it toward the incoming weaponry. The spray immediately caught
the flying debris, and it dropped into the water in a sticky mass.
"GOOD LORD!" exclaimed G.A.
"Quickly," boomed Wolverine, "assume crouch positions!"
The four manly men crouched down in the water, preparing to spring forward
and pummel their adversaries. As they did, the other two Hair Girls, Babs and
Jennie-Jen, pulled out the world's largest hair dryer, turned the air-speed
to high, aimed it at the Large Manly Men, and turned the switch to on.
Instantly, a large gust of wind swept the Large Manly Men out of the water and
pinned them against the opposite cliff wall.
"Oh No!" yelled Sabre, trying to make his voice heard above the wind.
"Our...our clothes are drying! We'll weaken if our clothes dry!"
"What shall we do!" yelled G.A.
"We'll be helpless at the hands of the Hair Girls! They may give us
fashionable hair cuts!"
"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Wolverine in agony at
the thought of having a yuppie hairstyle.
Suddenly, Dusk had a thought. "Guys! Form a wall! Maybe that will
bounce the air back towards them!"
"That's it!" cried Wolverine. "Quickly! While we still have some of
our manly strength. Crowd together and we will form a wall with our broad,
muscular, manly chests! That should deflect this evil wind!"
Fighting with an effort beyond that of ordinary men, the Large Manly Men
crowded together, forming a wall with their massive pectoral muscles. The wind
from the hair dryer from Hell bounced off them, whipping back toward the
Hair Girls. As it struck, it ruined their hairstyles, knocking their hair down
into hanging, tattered messes. The immediately dropped the hair dryer and
whined in great agony!
"Oh no!" cried Babs. "My hair's absolutely horrid! *SOB*"
"Now I'll have to get it done again, and that's the third time this
MORNING!" whined Muffy.
"Guys!" yelled Dusk. "The Scum Puppy is getting away!"
"Everyone into the water!" yelled G.A.
As one, the four Large Manly Men cannonballed into the water, causing a
veritable tital wave to rise from the water, grabbing The Scum Puppy and
pulling him into the water. Acting quickly, the Large Manly Men tore the
gold chains from the necks of the Hair Girls and shackled them and The Scum
Puppy.
"A job well done, oh fellow Manly Men!" exclaimed Alacrity.
"Truly a Manly Act!" said G.A.
"And credit to our moll, Dusk, for her part!" voiced Wolverine.
"Yeah, uh, thanks guys...can we get out of here now?" asked Dusk.
================================================================================
Author's Note: The author refuses to take responsibility for this story,
as he claims to have been controlled by Demons during the writing of said story.
By: Wolverine
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
May I Be Excused?
--- - -- --------
The graduate School of Education at Northern Illinois Universirt,
DeKalb, Illinois, recently collected excuses for absence turned in by students
around the state. A number of these are listed below; the spelling is exactly
as it appeared on the notes:
Dear School: Pleaes eckuse John for been absent January 28, 29, 30, 32,
and 33.
Chris has a acre on his side.
Mary could not come to school because she was bothered by very close veins.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
I kepe Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I didn't
know what size she wear.
Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor.
My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. Pleae execute
him.
Lillie was absent from school yesterday and she had a going over.
Please excuse Joey Friday. He had loose vowels.
Please excuse Blanch from Jim today. She is adminstrating.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the
weekend with the marines.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
Please excuse Dianna from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.
Mary Ann was absent December 11-15 because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, sore throat,
her brother had a low grade fever and acked all over. I wasn't the best
either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around -
her father even got hot last night.
Bl00p!
Rich
===============
I have one to add that I am not making up. When my mother was in grade
school in Gouverneur, a backwater town in upstate NY, there was a young
boy a couple years younger than her who everybody called 'Stinky'. That
was his normal nickname, not an insult. Anyway, one day he had to stay
home from school, as he had a nasty case of diarrhea (sp?). The next day
his mother sent him to school with a note that said: "Stinky wasn't in
school yesterday because he had the shits."
-Pickle.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recently someone came up with the idea of using "m00se" as a verb,
meaning to join the M00se Illuminati. I have done a bit of thought and
come up with some other words that every m00se should know.
m00se (v) - 1. to join the M00se Illuminati, 2. to act in a bizzarre manner,
(n) - a member of the M00se Illuminati
m00sey (adj) - bizarre, and attention-getting
thr0ng (n) - a group of m00ses
(v) - the act of grouping
thr0ng-a-thon (n) - a gathering of more than one thr0ng and involving at
least three m00ses. A gathering of two m00ses is commonly
known as a date.
I hope that's cleared up some points of confusion and created some
new ones. Bl00p!!
Joe Claffey
==============
Note: A m00se dictionary might be useful. If anybody comes up with more
m00se terms, send them here and I'll add them in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE **************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Add to the list:
Connecticut State U thr0ng CRAMER @ CTSTATEU Scopus
UConn chapter WALLFESH @ UCONNVM Sande
magazines/M00SE/m00se09
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DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #9 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Aug. 26, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ***************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fellow m00ses, the time has come to choose which candidates to support
for the oncoming election. We must choose somebody who will uphold the
values of m00sedom, who will promote the cause of confusion, who is easy
for us to manipulate. Let us consider the choices, and discuss this topic
further on CSBB.M00se.
So far as I have been able to determine, our choices are as follows:
George Bush: "I will never apologize for America. I don't care
what the facts are."
Micheal Dukakis: Does anybody have any idea what Dukakis has been
saying?
Bill the Cat: America's ill, but so is Bill.
Zippy the Pinhead: Wears a clown suit, has a talent for evading
topics by going off on obscure tangents. Both
good qualifications for the presidency.
Spuds MacKenzie: Small animal, not as active or as interesting
to look at as the Clydesdales were. Much like
Bush and Dukakis in this respect. Named after
a potato. Bush and Dukakis both resemble potatoes.
Some guy on MTV: The Bavarian Illuminati calls MTV 'Empty Vee'.
They may be right on this point.
If I've left anyone out, let us know on CSBB.M00se. Let the presidential
race begin!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS *******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nothing new, once again. However, we have found the m00se who created
confusion with his unofficial subtitle of Camp Relay II. The one I thought
was official, remember?
>I was the one with the term Camp Relay II: The Quest for M00se. It was not
>meant to be an official usage..just a joke that I don't even remember when I
>used it. Sorry for all impending confusion.
>
> Beez
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once again, none here. I'm considering ripping off Wolverine's idea
and writing a serial based on the members of the M00se Illuminati, but the
problem of having 60 plus characters discourages me....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is PLENTY of nonsense this issue! Our first bit is from Mommydammit,
who writes:
>Bill,
>
> on the way way to Lake Winola in Pennsylvania, i noticed something
>very suspicious. within two miles of each other are interesting exit names...
>
>such as:
>
> thr00p ( a combination of thr0ng and bl00op!)
> Dickson City
> m00sic
>
>honest and for true. you decide. is it coincedence or....m00sidence?
>
> pamela/mommydammit
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This issue also marks the first installment in Rich Simon's Philosophy Corner.
Here it is.
Is nothing anything? Is nothing something?
IS NOTHING SIMPLY NOTHING?
Frightening, isn't it. . . to think that
maybe, just POSSIBLY nothing is. . .
JUST NOTHING.
No more, no less than absolute nil. Nada.
Zilch. Zero.
Does that frighten you, to thing that there
might be no more to nothing than simple nothing?
It's just something to think about.
Or just nothing to think about at all.
Remember: If nothing is anything,
and anything is everything,
then it stands to reason that
nothing is everything. Therefore you
should worship nothing, for it is
everything.
Cut it if you wish, Bill.
But for god's sake don't believe it.
rich
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beez wrote with lots of nonsensical tidbits. Among them:
>I located a T-Shirt that had Bullwinkle surfing saying Moose on the Loose. If
>you are interested, just write me....
>
>Beez is starting the Suave Ladies Man in quite dry clothing Association. It is
>an Anti-Manly Men in Wet Clothing movement. We really have nothing against
>Manly Men, except that we don't like getting wet. PsuedoSensitive Men need not
>apply. Write to Beez (rsrab@suvm) for your free subscription.
>
>(This article was not included in a report by the Daily Orange, the Syracuse
>University newspaper which can't even be considered yellow journalism. This
>copy was obtained thru bribery, torture and sleeping with the Chancellor's
>wife. All characters in this story are meant to be coincidental as blatant
>sarcasm is intended.)
>
>oops...i will submit the story later..I just got a call that university
>security wants to talk to me..looks like Alcatraz for the Beez..
>ill write to you later...bye guy
>
>Beez
Incidentally, I haven't heard from Beez since this letter. Does anybody
feel we should prepare for a rescue mission to free him from the clutches
of Security?
Beez also included two new additions to the M00se Illuminati Dictionary,
begun by Indiana Joe in the last issue.
phrase: M00se on the L00se: When a M00se visits a distant thr0ng for party
reasons.
Phrase: Meese on the Loose: a 80's happening that lead to the destruction of
western Civilization as we know it. No M00ses had
any part of this madness.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wolverine sent me the following song, which may have relevance in the decision
of who we should back in this election.
>The following lyrics are to a song written by two radio disk jockeys out in
>Indianapolis, poking fun at Senator Dan Quayle....
I Spent The War In Indiana
- ----- --- --- -- -------
I spent the war in Indiana
Getting shot was not for me
I never went to 'Nam
I never saw Saigon
I only watched it on TV
I spent the war in Indiana
I never saw a combat zone
While my buddies hid in foxholes dodging napalm
I was safe inside my Indiana home
<chorus>
He spent the war in Indiana
while his neighbors went to fight
He never did a hitch
'cause his daddy's rich
He was comfy and cozy at night
I spent the war in Indiana
To the Guard, I was on loan
And the only thing I killed were Hoosier weekends
I was safe inside my Indiana home
<chorus>
He spent the war in Indiana
in a summer camp platoon
He never had to fight
and how he's on the right
and he's singing a different tune
>Well, *I* think it's funny.....
>
>And to quote The Breather from the movie "Student Bodies":
>"What's in a name? EVERYTHING!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE **************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please add: ENLL6AC @ BUACCA Sabre
Please remove: BURNS @ MAINE Sabre
CHOBBIE @ SBCCVM Admiral Lord Nelson
magazines/M00SE/m00se10
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/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
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D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #10| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Sep. 4, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ***************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well well well how very nice. Issue 10 is now out. And with it,
school has started again at nearly every college and university across the
nation, with the exception of UHa, due to management stupidity or something
like that. So what does this mean? It means that there are now thousands
of people on campuses, with bitnet access. And guess what? MANY OF THESE
PEOPLE AREN'T M00SES. You may be aghast; I know I am. It is our clear
duty to help these people by inviting them into our organization, unless,
of course, you don't want to. And so begins THE ANNUAL FALL M00SE ILLUMINATI
MEMBERSHIP DRIVE. Yes! Convince your friends to be m00ses! After all,
if we're going to confuse the population, there's no better way than to
get the population to help.
On another note, I had an idea to fill up some space in this
newsletter. Let me know what you think. Each issue, starting at the top
of the general list and working our way down, we'll include a *short* ID-file
type thing in the issue from one m00se. This will help us get to know those
m00ses we've never come into personal contact with, and perhaps make the
FBI's job a little easier if they're looking in. Hi guys! So, good idea,
or horrid?
Later,
-Pickle.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
<< I mentioned in an earlier letter that James L. Anderson (Andersen?) was
not reachable. Apparently there is a gateway to Fidonet.... >>
Actually, iif you have the mailer setup correct, you can send to
hogbbs.ffidonet.org... (damn keyboardbounces) and if not you could
try jla%hogbbs.fidonet.org@hcx.psu.edu or @psuhcx.bitnet
that is a valid address on theinternet.
Bill
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
<< Kamikaze is again hard at work on MDNET Mk II, a new distribution network
that will hopefully be more efficient and reliable. This is what he needs,
respond to him or me. Please talk with the other m00ses at your node, so
we don't get multiple volunteers. It will make Kami's job that much easier
if we just get one "I'll do it" from each node. >>
Pickle-
What I need is a list of one person at each node who is willing to be a
distributor, both for within his/her/its node as well as forwarding copies
to other nodes, where needed. In the case of single person nodes, I need to
know if that one person is willing/able to handle distributing to other nodes.
The network model I am planning on creating will run along the same lines as
how the Relay network runs, when it does. Basically, each distributor will
send copies to all local users, any local nodes, and to the next major node
in the network. It's not firm yet, as I haven't looked at the structure of
where we are all located from this angle.
this would be so nice if we had a member m00se at cunyvm....
Kamikaze
<< Anybody got a friend at CUNY? Recruit him or her, if you do... >>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS *******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Wolverine asked me to include his movement announcement in this issue.... >>
"Papa was a rollin' stone
Wherever he laid his hat was his home..."
Yes folks, big news indeed. In my never-ending search for that illusive
creature, "A Fruitful and Successful Life", I am moving on to Ithaca, NY.
I will be living with Karen and John Godfrey, and can be reached there.
As for the computer, I will have an account, but until I know what the userid
is, I can be reached at Karen and John's account: B45J@CRNLVAX5. The move
will be taking place this Thursday, so after Wednesday afternoon, send any mail
to that account. To all my friends in the New York area, I'm looking forward
to seeing all you guys and getting the chance to spend time with you, and to all
my friends here in the area, don't forget about me, because I will be in the
area periodically, and I want to keep in touch with all of you. Here's how to
get in touch with me:
Mail: Frank Orzechowicz
170 Myers Road
Lansing, NY 14882
Phone: (607) 533-7786 [KEEP RUM]
Bitnet: for now, B45J@CRNLVAX5
I'll be logged on days here at Villanova from now through 4 pm on Weds,
and can be reached here. See you all around.
"These little town shoes
are longing to stray
I wanna' be a part of it
In <Central> New York
And if I can make it there
I'm gonna` make it anywhere
It's up to you New York New York"
<< Note: Wolverine's account has changed....it is in the update. >>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We have none this issue. I expect some for next issue, however.
And incidentally, for a possible later story, how many of you play Car Wars?
Get in touch with me if you do.....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< In the continuing expansion of the M00se Illuminati dictionary, this from
GypsyLynx. >>
footl00se m00se: any m00se who leaves his/her thr0ng and re-locates
within another thr0ng. ie: W0lverine, Guardian Angel.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
<< Lord Rassilon reminds us of other presidential candidates. >>
Don't forget:
1) Max Headroom
2) Morris the Cat
3) Pat Paulsen
and this year's leading candidate
4) Mickey Mouse.
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
<< Lord Rassilon also sent this to me, although it came to him from another
source.>>
Propaganda has become almost an art form in recent years. While looking
through a delightful book about people dressed in armor hacking eachother
to pieces, I came across a beautiful chunk of it preceding a war. It comes
in two parts:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part I
A. We are so numerous that we are starving.
B. Therefore we must encourage still larger families so as to become yet
more numerous and starving.
C. When we are so numerous and starving as all that, obviously we shall
have a right to take other people's stores of seed. Besides, we shall by
then have a numerous and starving army.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After part one has sunk in, and been employed, and the birth rate has been
trebled, whether anyone is actually starving or not, part two is begun:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part II
A. We are more numerous than they are, therefore we have a right to their
mash (food).
B. They are more numerous than we are, therefore they are wickedly trying
to steal our mash.
C. We are a mighty race and have a natural right to subjugate their puny
one.
D. They are a mighty race and are unnaturally trying to subjugate our
inoffensive one.
E. We must attack them in self defense.
F. They are attacking us by defending themselves.
G. If we do not attack them today, they will attack us tomorrow.
H. In any case, we are not attacking them at all. We are offering them
incalculable benefits.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kinda funny how it never sounds quite so ridiculous in real life.
---Fader
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE **************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please add:
Stony Brook thr0ng FNORD @ SBCCVM Fnord
Washington State U. thr0ng 90289872 @ WSUVM1 Cthulhu
And make the following changes:
Wolverine's new address is B45J @ CORNELLA, not CRNLVAX5. He is still part
of the Lansing thr0ng, however.
Which brings us to the other change.....Lansing is no longer the location
of a chapter, but a thr0ng.
magazines/M00SE/m00se11
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #11| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Sep. 9, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
===============================================================================
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ***************************
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello all. As this issue is quite large, I won't include my own
editorial. Also, I haven't written one yet. However, the material in this
issue is (if I may say so) very good, and gives me hope that M00se Droppings
will not die due to a lack of submissions after all.
<< First, a lost-and-found notice....... >>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
" "
" Place "
" Photograph "
" Here "
" "
===========================================
Have you seen this lost M00se? His name is Sabre (aka Eric Burns) and
he has been missing from the Net for some days now. Suspicion has it
that he has been captured by the Brotherhood of Evil Relayers. If you
see him, please notify Wolverine at B45J@CORNELLA with info. There is a
reward. We now take you back to your regularly scheduled program.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< We also have the following letter from Lord Rassilon: >>
Here at Wesleyan, the socially-conscious and politically-liberal
are beginning to continue their activities toward Divistment.
Any information you could furnish about the situation at your
own colleges would be helpful.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS *******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< THIS one speaks for itself. Please send some reader response, because
the author does not wish to write episode 2 if everyone hates episode 1. >>
***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-***
--- ---------- -- ----- -----
by CHAOS Engineer
Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs
being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations
acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading
these episodes are not the responsibility of the author.
Prelude:
In a forest in Maine, amongst the depths of the tall stands of
pine there was a m00se couple. Not just any m00se couple, mind you. They
had recently just escaped from the evil clutches of the U.S. Government,
after being subject to weird experiments beyond all description. Mrs m00se
was currently in the throes of labour, giving birth to her and Mr. m00se's
first child. It was a momentous event indeed. Soon, the proud couple stood
over their son, but it was obvious that he was not an ordinary m00se.
"Somehow dear, I just don't think our son is a normal m00se. He
looks so much like those men we escaped from."
"You're right, love, but dammit, I just gave birth to the tyke,
and he is our child, no matter what."
"But we can't raise him here. We lack the facilities to raise him
as a proper m00se. We have no choice but to see to it that he receives
an education."
Filled with remorse, Mrs. m00se acknowledged the wisdom of her husband.
Taking the picnic basket they had found on their way here, the m00se couple
put their first born in it, and headed off to the ranger station, filled
with remorse, but buoyed ever so slightly by the knowledge that they were
doing the correct thing.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Ranger Bob Was awakened early that morning by a wailing outside
his door. What in the name of tarnation could it be, he wondered. Stuffing
his feet into his slippers and pulling on his robe, Ranger Bob went to his
door to investigate, when what did he see but a picnic basket on his stoop
with a small babe in it. "What in tarnation's name!" he exclaimed, as he
bent over to pick up the basket, and taking it inside out of the cold morning
air. Odd he thought, no note. Only m00se teeth marks on the basket's handle
(Ranger Bob knew the marks to be m00se teeth marks, since he was indeed
an expert on m00sey things.) Well, I guess I'll just raise him as my own,
thought Ranger Bob.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
As the years wound by, Ranger Bob found out that his adopted son,
Mark Kent (Ranger Bob's full name being Robert Clark Kent), was not an ordinary
boy by any accounts. He grew fast, and was stronger than a normal boy.
Ranger Bob knew that someday he would have to reveal to Mark his mysterious
background. After twenty some odd years had passed, and Mark had completed
college, Ranger Bob sensed that it was now time to tell Mark of his background.
"Mark."
"Yes father"
"I have something to tell you Mark. It concerns your past. I know
that I have told you that you are my adopted son, but there is more. When
I found you, you were on my stoop in a picnic basket that bore no identifying
marks save m00se teeth marks on the handle. I knew these to be m00se teeth
marks since I am an expert on m00sey things, and have passed the m00se lore
onto you as well. Also I have noted that you are much stronger than a normal
man your age, as you are aware. I suspect that you have a hidden past that
neither of us are aware of. Thus, I believe that you should go into the woods
and perform the sacred m00se dance that I taught you and seek to contact
Leviam00se and learn your true origin."
"You believe that this will be of use father?"
"I do my son, since I am wise in the ways of m00sey things, as were
my fathers before me, the sacred m00se lore passed down from generation to
generation."
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Mark ventured out into the pines, taking with him the necessary
items to complete the scared m00se dance. Walking a great distance, Mark
eventually came to the copse his father had told him of. Clearing out the
fire pit, Mark made ready to perform the dance. Make the fire in which
to burn the dried m00se droppings incense. Paint the face in ritual way
of the m00se. Ready, Mark danced and chanted, every so often tossing the
incense into the fire. He felt the power in him rise, and began to feel
light and heady. Soon, he was ready to meditate and complete the ritual
to call upon Leviam00se.
"Leviam00se." nothing
"Leviam00se!" still nothing
"LEVIAM00SE!" bellowed Mark, and he was rewarded. His vision hazed
over, and cleared to the sight of the pyramid. Eleven tiered, with the
single eye and the antlers. Leviam00se. Sitting in a large straight back
chair at the foot of the pyramid was a tall man with the head of a m00se,
the brown fur amply dosed with gray. Strange that Leviam00se should choose
to manifest himself in this way.
"Greetings, Mark, adopted son of Ranger Bob and child of Mr. and
Mrs. m00se." Leviam00se spoke to mark in amazingly good english considering
that the formation of his jaw structure should have made it impossible for
him to do so.
"Greetings O great and wise Leviam00se" replied Mark. "How is it
that you speak such good english when your jaw structure should not allow
you to do so."
"It is a m00sey thing, Mark. You need not concern yourself with
it. But, let us get to the point. You are here at the urgings of your
adopted father to seek your past, so gaze now into the eye of the pyramid
of Leviam00se, and let all be revealed." Mark watched raptly, as he saw
his true mother and father being experimented on by scientists of the U.S.
Government, doing horrible and perverse things to them, saw how they escaped
to the woods where he was born, how he was taken to Ranger Bob to be raised
and educated. The rest he knew, and the spectacle stopped.
"Now Mark, let me continue. You are possessed of great powers,
and must use them to combat the forces of anti-m00sey-ness. Henceforth,
whenever you say my name, the full force of your abilities shall be unleashed,
and the foes of Leviam00se shall tremble in fear at the powers of
*********** SUPERM00SE ***********
(for dramatic effect, please imagine that there is a blaring triumphant
fan-fare/symphonic score in place here. Something like Beetohven's fifth
would be appropriate.)
say now my name, Mark, and feel your power and birth-right."
Mark stood, feeling a bit perplexed and more than a bit awed at
the immensity of it all, and spoke Leviam00se's name. "Leviam00se!"
There was a sharp peal of thunder, and in Mark's place stood
Superm00se, tall, strong, powerful. A man, tall, powerfully built, garbed
in a very tacky pink suit with the pyramid symbol on the chest in fluorescent
green, but most importantly, with a m00se's head, with a MAGNIFICENT set
of antlers.
"You are now Superm00se, Mark. You must now go forth and battle
as the champion of m00se-kind and those non m00ses oppressed by evil-doers.
You must however, ware well your one weakness. I call it m00se-ite, but
that is not it's true name. It is the foul concoction with which your mother
was injected before your birth. It is a mixture of caffeine free diet
Coke, Illudium Pu-38, Vidal Sasson hair spray, and Limburger cheese, a foul
and devious mixture if ever there was one. It will rob you of your m00sey
abilities. I suggest you avoid holding heavy objects over your head if
you run a good chance of being exposed to it."
"You are very wise, O Leviam00se. It shall be as you say."
"Go now Mark, and do my bidding." Mark's vision became obscured,
and when it cleared, he once again found himself in the clearing, a man
of normal appearance.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Returning home, Mark was met by his father at the door. "How did
it go son?"
"I saw Leviam00se, and he did tell me what I must do, and he gave
unto me my birth-right and full powers. I now know what I must do. I shall
go to Gothopolis, and get a job with _The_Daily_Gonad_ as a mild mannered
reporter. There, I will be able to do battle against those who would seek
to harm and oppress m00se kind."
"Why, that's a noble thing to do son. I wish you luck."
********-> Next episode, watch as Mark goes to Gothopolis and gets a job
and has his first encounter with the evil forces that oppose
m00se kind.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< And now, for two rather hilarious contributions by Wolverine. I don't know
where they come from originally. >>
What with Tom Sellick appearing on Murder She Wrote, Jessica appearing
on Magnum P.I., and characters from Dynasty and Dallas constantly
getting cofused as to which set they should go to, have you ever
wondered what would happen if this was followed to it's natural
end? For example, suppose Captain James T. Kirk met the Roadrunner.
This means, of course, that we must somehow integrate the Saturday
Morning Laws of Physics into the Star Trek universe.
i.e.: 1) Sentient creatures do not fall until they realize they are
about to.
2) Objects fall at a rate inversely proportional to their mass
(otherwise known as "Anything falls faster than an anvil")
Now, if we assume that this is an effect of the Road Runner, as opposed
to some general joke of the universe (although, I admit I have never
seen an anvil descending over Kirk's head while he was falling), then we
can expect other effects, as well. Notably:
1) Anything struck by a deadly weapon (presumably including phasers) is
not killed, but merely singed and stunned (somehow "He's covered with
soot, Jim" just doesn't carry, though).
2) Crewmembers surprised by the Roadrunner jump much higher than gravity
should allow.
Now, the difficulty here is that there must be some reason for the
encounter. Remembering that the Roadrunner is a fairly self-centered
beast, the motivation for the episode must come from the Federation in
some form. Let us suppose that the Enterprise is doing some sort of
research mission to an unknown planet. I think the Captains Log would
be worth a look:
Captain's Log, Stardate 54324.5: Starfleet Command has directed the
Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of planet --- in advance of a
full research team. Scanners report the atmosphere to be breathable,
but are recieving confusing readings with regard to life forms. I am
beaming down with a landing party composed of all our chief officers
except for poor Scotty.
Supplement: Redshirt Riley has received a head injury, apparently while
exploring under a high rock shelf. He reports only hearing a loud sound
and jumping before being struck. After examination by Dr. McCoy he has
been judged capable of continuing duty.
Supplement: We have encountered an alien creature on this planet.
While it does not itself seem menacing, a unfortunate occurance took
place when it was present. Specifically, on my orders Lt. Sulu
withdrew his phaser. The creature disappeared leaving a puff of smoke,
immediately following which a loud noise was heard next to Sulu. Sulu
fired, hitting Ens. Chekov. Oddly enough, although Sulu's weapon was
set to stun, Chekov was also covered with a black powder similar to
soot. Mr. Chekov has been sent back to the ship for examination and
quarantine.
Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting: Tricorder readings indicate that
the creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at great speed
over the surface of the planet. We have encountered the creature once
again. In an attempt to slow the creature for study, I attempted to
fire on it. The creature, however, appeared to move faster than the
phaser beam. Regretfully, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above
the Captain's head, causing it to break off and fall. Although it
appears that several tons of rock fell squarely on the Captain, he was
driven straight into the ground but apparently not seriously injured,
though stunned. The Captain has been beamed up to Sickbay, leaving me
in command of the research party.
Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.1: The creature is still at large on the
planet surface. While Mr. Spock continues to lead a research party I am
currently at work with Mr. Scott on an Acme Pressure Cooker for our lab,
for when the creature is finally apprehended.
Captain's Log, stardate 54342.3. The strange occurences that have
dogged the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me to
believe that the creature is in some way directly responsible for them.
Mr. Chekov and I have both been declared fit for return to duty, though
Dr. McCoy has entered in his medical log that he feels we should be kept
under observation. Mr. Spock has constructed a device which he suspects
should be able to counteract the creature's incredible speed as follows:
We have placed a dish of birdseed out in the open, with several signs
pointing to it. The dish is atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which
will open when any weight falls on it. The creature will then travel a
slide, eventually being deposited in a cage constructed of sheets of
transparent aluminum. We will then be free to analyze it at our
leisure. Meanwhile, I have forbidden all beaming down to the surface of
the planet except on my or Mr. Spock's direct order.
Captain's Log, supplemental. The plan failed. The creature was indeed
lured by the birdseed, as expected. It sped to the dish, consumed the
bait, and sped off without setting off the trap. Mr. Spock is as
puzzled as I, and has begun tests to discover the flaw in the design. I
have sent out three search parties to see if we can box the creature in,
one headed by Mr. Sulu, one by Mr. Chekov, and one by Sociologist
Xontel.
Captain's Log, stardate 54342.8. Sociologist Xontel has been
temporarily incapacitated. In pursuing the creature, he and his men
somehow managed to cross the place where Mr. Spock's trap was set just
as he completed the corrections to it. The trap was sprung, and all
four of my men were suspended for a moment in mid-air, puzzled, just
before they fell into the cage we constructed. We are now trying to
release them with phasers, as the lock was inadvertently smashed by the
impact from Sociologist Xontel's foot as he fell. I consider this a
major setback. Mr. Spock considers it "fascinating."
Captain's Log, stardate 54343.4. In an all-out attempt to stop the
creature once and for all, I have had a phaser rifle beamed down from
the Enterprise. The creature has behaved in an extremely cunning
manner, yet I am unsure whether this is a sign of actual intelligence.
Lt. Uhura has been unsuccessful in her attempts to raise Starfleet
Command. Meanwhile, Mr. Scott informs me that our dilithium crystals
are deteriorating at an alarming rate. He has juryrigged a system that
will prevent the decay for a time, but it is imperative that we find new
crystals soon.
Captain's Log, supplemental. Mr. Sulu reports high energy tricorder
readings from an area of the planet in which the creature has not yet
been sighted. He has taken a small party, including Mr. Spock, to the
high-elevation spot from which the readings emanate. I have begun to
analyze the creature's movements. It seems to travel consistently over
a set path. Perhaps we can corner it in a tunnel it seems to pass
through frequently.
Captain's Log, stardate 54344.7. Mr. Sulu has located a cache of ACME
dilithium crystals atop a high cliff. Regretfully, while collecting
them, the edge of the cliff broke off, and he and Mr. Spock plummetted
several hundred feet to the ground below. Strangely enough, they both
survived the fall with no more than raising a cloud of dust on impact,
although they did pass the chunk of rock on the way down and end up
completely buried. A rescue excavation has commenced, and they should
be safe shortly.
Captain's Log, stardate 54344.9. Mr. Spock has beamed up to the ship
with them to assist Mr. Scott in their installation, as he forsees
compatability problems. Back on the planet's surface, Mr. Chekov led
seven men into the tunnel in an attempt to capture the creature in
transit. A loud BEEP, BEEP was heard, and Chekov aimed the phaser rifle
and commanded his men to spread out. I wish to state for the record
that I would have acted similarly, and that Ensign Chekov should in no
way be held responsible for the unfortunate circumstances arising from
the unexpected appearance of an old Earth-style freight train. He has
been beamed back up to the ship with minor injuries.
Captain's Log, stardate 54345.1. Dr. McCoy has beamed down with a hypo
containing a mixture of kyranide, tri-ox compound, Scalosian
concentrate, a theragram derivative, and some other items he found in
unmarked containers in Sickbay. By injecting a small amount into each
member of the landing party, I hope to be able to deal with the creature
on its own high speed terms.
Captain's Log, supplemental. The latest experiment to deal with the
strange creature has failed. As Dr. McCoy was injecting a measured dose
of the compound, it abruptly appeared behind him and uttered a loud
BEEP, BEEP! Dr. McCoy, understandably flustered, accidentally pressured
in the entire contents of the hypo into his arm. A full security team
is in pursuit of him, waiting for the effects of the drug to wear off.
Captain's Log, stardate 54345.2. I have ordered the landing party
transported back to the ship. The new dilithium crystals have been
successfully installed. On my responsibility, the ship is preparing to
engage main phasers to attack the creature, which continues on its
semi-erratic course across the planet's surface.
Captain's Log, supplemental. This is a warning to all other starships
that may pass this way. Do not approach this planet! The illogical
events occuring here are too much to overcome with simple science. If
you have heard the events transcribed in the rest of this log, you will
learn that this creature is nearly undefeatable. We channelled full
ship's power through the phaser banks. Theoretically, the creature
should have been destroyed; however, the energies were too much strain
for the ACME crystals. The full force of the phasers backlashed over
the Enterprise, engulfing her completely. At first, the only noticeable
effect was a complete failure of all systems save emergency gravity and
life support. Then a web of black lines spread through the Enterprise's
superstructure. Next, the ship began breaking up, piece by piece,
falling through the atmosphere to land on the surface of the planet.
When the ship had collapsed entirely, my crew was left hanging in space
for a short time, and finally each of us began to fall to the planet
below. We have no theories on how any of us survived, but every
crewmember has reported nothing more than a sense of uneasiness,
followed by the realization that they were several hundred miles up in
the air, a sinking sensation, and then a gradual drop: first the feet,
then the body, and finally the head, usually wearing a resigned
expression of perplexion. We are attempting now to communicate with the
creature in the hopes that it will prove intelligent. Perhaps we can
communicate our peaceful intentions to it. Mr. Spock has constructed a
crude rocket launcher from the wreckage of the ship, and with this we
hope to send the recorder marker up into space, where hopefully someone
will find it. Captain James T. Kirk, of the United Federation of
Planets, Captain of the Starship Enterprise, recording.
******* end message *******
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AT&T Customer Service Memorandum
Please stop submitting compliants. This is our system. We designed
it, we built it, and we use it more than you do. If there are some
features you think might be missing, if the system isn't as effective
as you think it could be, TOUGH! Give it back, we don't need you.
See figure 1.
*-------------------------------*
| _ |
| | | |
| | | |
| .-.| |.-. |
| .-| | | |.-. |
| | | | ; |
| \ ; |
| \ ; |
| | : |
| | | |
| | | |
| |
*-------------------------------*
Figure 1.
Forget about your silly problem, let's take a look at some of the
features of your AT&T computer system.
* Options
We've got lots of them. So many in fact, that you would need two
strong people to carry around the documentation if we had bothered
to write it. So many that even we don't know what most of them do.
Don't ask us for any of these options, because we probably can't
find the PEC for it anyway. Even if we find the PEC, we probably
can't order it either (just TRY asking for nroff on a 3B2). If you
don't like it, call Technologies. They'll tell you to see Figure 1.
* Hot Lines
If you need technical help, call our hotline. You say that the guy
at the other end doesn't know any more than you do? Too bad. If we
could afford to pay qualified people to answer the phones, we'd be
paying them to make our computers work in the first place. Besides,
you don't ever need to do anything sophisticated anyway. If you do,
see Figure 1.
* Integrated Voice and Data
What the hell is integrated voice and data? All it means is that
you can talk on the phone while you are typing on your terminal.
So what if the terminal and the phone aren't integrated; that's
not what we advertise. Besides, you probably can't even walk and
chew gum at the same time, much less talk and type. If you can,
see Figure 1.
* Unix
We invented it; it's perfect, and we're the only ones who do it
right. We're so happy with it, we put it on every kind of computer
we make. We even try to keep it the same from release to release,
but usually we blow it. If you want a computer with stable file-
systems, get a VAX. Another thing: those nerds from Berkeley are
just troublemaking hackers who have a productivity complex. They
took our operating system and made it useful, so we told them to see
Figure 1.
* Applications Software
We give you MS-word; what else do you want? So what if it is a
clumsy port from another operating system, it works doesn't it?
Well, OK, it sort of works. If you want applications software, get
an IBM PC. You can get lots of it and they even support it
sometimes. If you already bought one of our computers and are
unsatisfied, you're stuck with it. We spoke with our applications
software people about this, and they think a lot like we do; they
said "see Figure 1."
* Shells
We have two shells; one we sell and one we use. The Bourne shell is
plenty good for trivial little hacks, which is all you do anyway.
Don't ask for the Korn shell either. It's great, everybody at AT&T
has a copy, but we won't give it to you. Besides, if you want to do
anything important, write it in C. We told our shell programmers to
see Figure 1 a long time ago.
* The C Programming Language
We like it so much we named a book after it. You can do anything
our machines can do, which is not very much. Where else can you
put so much unreadable code in such a small space? Besides, you
probably should be programming in the shell anyway; C is too hard
for you. We told our C programmers to see Figure 1 a long time
ago anyway.
* Floating Point Hardware
We have the WE32106 Math Accelerator Unit, one of the fastest chips
around. It's so special that you need a special compiler to use it.
Nobody knows how to get you a copy of the compiler? That's right.
We don't release it because we are writing another one. When it's
ready, we might give it to you, but probably not. In the meantime,
you have to stick with the interpreter, live with the slowness, and
see Figure 1.
* Support
We have thousands of service people out there, but most of them are
busy. If your computer breaks, you will just have to wait. Our
techs are rehashed phone installers, so don't expect them to be very
helpful unless it involves tip and ring. Oh, if something breaks
between 5:00 PM and 9:00 the next morning, don't waste your time
calling us, we're out. We also take lots of lunch breaks. If you
need real support, see Figure 1.
In conclusion, stuff your complaint. Love your AT&T computer or
leave it, but don't bitch to us. We don't give a shit. We don't
have to. We're the phone company.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE **************
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Add:
Wesleyan thr0ng LBURKA @ WESLEYAN Leather Goddess
Change:
North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 Nathan Irwin
to: The Anachronist
The Penn State chapter is now a thr0ng!
And until further notice, Guardian_A is reachable through GypsyLynx's account.
magazines/M00SE/m00se12
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DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #12| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Sep. 19, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, here we are with Issue #12! Things are progressing nicely in the
M00se Illuminati. We continue to expand, some goals are being set, interesting
activities are being carried out.
One thing you may be interested in is the description of CHAOS Engineering
in M00se.Info. I intend to update the file a bit myself, and then anybody who
wants the new version can ask me for it. If enough people want it, I'll just
send it out along the distribution net.
Which brings us to the one problem we have. Virtually nobody is answering
the question about distributors. Once again, we need one person at each node
to distribute for that node, and we need to know if that person is also willing
to forward a copy to the next major server node in line. We want answers from
those who are alone at a node; even if you won't be distributing to others at
your own node, are you willing to send a copy along to the next node in line?
PLEASE get back to me on this ASAP, Kamikaze can't design a new MDNET without
this information. Since the current one has holes in it, and some people may
not be getting their issues, we want to take care of this as soon as possible.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I said above, the M00se Illuminati keeps growing. And now the day is
in sight when we shall reach 100 network chapters. I hereby suggest that when
we do, we have a Mega-Thr0ng-a-Thong at the University of Hartford, here in CT.
I will begin looking into hotels and campgrounds in the area, to get ideas of
prices in the area. The Science Fiction Society here at UHa will reserve a
good-sized room for a day. And when we reach 100 chapters, we'll start working
on an actual date.
Whaddaya all think?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Here we have Wall's first attempt at gospel (I think he said) songwriting.
It's started some activity on the Stony Brook Underground. >>
GOOD ENOUGH FOR JESUS
---------------------
Jesus is my guidance
he tells me what is true
he tells me what to think
he tells me what to do
he tells me what i'm hearing
he tells me what i see
and if it's good enough for Jesus,
it's good enough for me.
Jesus healed the faithful
back in the Good Old Days.
He didn't have to do surgery
he didn't need X-rays
and he didn't need to medicine
to cure their infirmity
and if faith-healing's good enough for Jesus
it's good enough for me.
Those Evil Pawns of Satan
are publishing books of sin
books like 'Stuart Little'
and 'Huckelberry Finn'
and so what if this is America
so what if the press is free
if censorship's good enough for Jesus
it's good enough for me.
That heretic Charles Darwin
said Creation was just a fable
he said we evolved from monkeys
not from Adam, Eve, nor Abel
and so what if Galton proved it,
quite irrefutably
if Creationism's good enough for Jesus
it's good enough for me.
A man called Galileo
said the Earth goes 'round the Sun
and the Earth is just a planet
and not the only one
and so what if Kepler proved it
in the Seventeenth century
if Geocentrism's good enough for Jesus
it's good enough for me.
Yes Jesus is our savior
he showed us the way
and now it's our duty to save you
so you'd better do what we say
and if you don't want to go along with it
we have ways of forcing you to
cause if it's good enough for Jesus
it's good enough for you.
wall
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< The CHAOS Engineer's Superm00se story will continue with chapter two
next issue. At this time, he plans to make it a bi-weekly feature. >>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< One of the new chapters, Larry Nathanson, had an interesting idea some
of you may wish to try out. >>
Oh, by the way, The treasurer of this chapter, collected dues from the
Poobah, and Bull Moose, (who promptly wrote him checks) and convinced the
ATM to triple his account. He thanks you dearly, and will refer the bank
manager to you, if problems arise. :-)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< This note came from the CHAOS Engineer, giving a little bit of hope that
Sabre is still alive... >>
Today I did sight the rare and Elusive m00se whom is called Sabre.
This was indeed a suprise, as he has been reputed to have been kidnapped
by the brotherhood of evil relayers. This in fact is not true, as the straight
p00p from the m00se's mouth did indicate otherwise. He has in fact been
enslaved by the Boston Univeristy Bookstore. further sightings will be
reported.
CHAOS Engineer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< I'm pleased to say that we have now passed the 70-chapter mark. Please
look over this list carefully, and add anyone in your own thr0ng to your
distribution lists. If you want a complete list, let me know. >>
Please add:
Boston University thr0ng LAN @ BUCSF.BU.EDU
Larry Nathanson
Buffalo chapter V291NHTP @ UBVMSD Patrick Salsbury
Cornell thr0ng ZEMANINA%CHEME.DECNET@ CHEME.TN.CORNELL.EDU
Spaceman Bif
Loyola thr0ng GAIL @ LOYVAX Sybil
MARKUS @ LOYVAX Markus
VANIDOR @ LOYVAX Vanidor
Wesleyan thr0ng LGREENSTEIN @ WESLEYAN Pope Atheist I
Saunacuse thr0ng MMAUSTIN @ SUNRISE Scamp
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Please remove:
Bryn Mawr chapter M_PETTIT @ BRYNMAWR Midland Maniac
Loyola thr0ng SETH @ LOYVAX Seth
Maine thr0ng RFK350B @ MAINE Guardian Angel
(Guardian Angel is reachable for now through Lynx's account.)
magazines/M00SE/m00se13
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DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #13| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Sep. 19, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Issue #13! Greetings all. Again, a fine issue, ready for your perusal.
My project to build my own Spiculum and rule the world is still in the R&D
stages; I'll keep you posted. One thing before I let you read the rest
of the issue: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE contact me about distribution! We're
getting no cooperation, and it's real hard to put together the list....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< DANGER! Got this from Fiben... >>
Pickle, I found this in the Philadelphia Inquirer and I feel that
all M00SES must be informed with the following warning.
BEWARE OF THE FRENCH !!!!!
"There are big problems on Route 201 in Maine,
big problems.
A 50-Mile strech between Bingham and the Canadian
Border is called "M00SE Alley" because all to often,
M00SE meets car and things get ugly.
The problem caught the attention of the bureaucrats
with the state Department of Transportation who decided
to take corrective action.
Bureaucrats can be quite creative with corrective action.
They decided to put up some M00SE warning signs along
the road.
To appreciate the signs one has to take in to account who
typically get involved in M00SE accidents besides M00SE.
Game Wardens estimates that 98% of the M00SE/Car crashes
involve French-Canadians who naturally speak French.
The signs are in English.
Fiben
I would like to claim
responsibility for those signs. I knew it would cause great confusion
if all the signs were in English, and end up causing a lot of anarchy,
so I did it. (That's the REAL reason why I moved north..to be closer
to my target) Just wait til you see what I have planned for Central
New York State!!!
*maniacal laughter*
Wolverine
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-***
--- ---------- -- ----- -----
Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs
being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations
acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading
these episodes are not the responsibility of the author.
Welcome to Gothopolis, a hustling, bustling city full of all kinds
of folks, including mild mannered reporter Mark Kent of _The_Daily_Gonad_,
also secretly know as Superm00se, doer of good deeds, righter of wrongs,
Champion of all oppressed m00ses everywhere, and occasional window-washer
(the super-hero business does slow down every now and then, and those sky
scrapers are so TALL.)
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Mark, get in here!" bellowed Cherri Reddings. Cherri was the Editor
in Chief of _The_Daily_Gonad_ and was a sight to behold indeed. Tall and
voluptuous, ex playboy centerfold turned EiC, with tumbling locks of flaming
red hair.
Mark rushed in, out of breath. Mark had a crush on Cherri but was
too mild mannered to make a pass at his boss. "Yes Cherri?"
"Mark, I want you to get on this terrorist story. I'm taking Lou
off it and giving it to you. Here's two plane tickets. Take Biminy with
you. You're leaving for Kansas City in three hours."
"Kansas City? What kind of terrorist crisis is there in Kansas
City?"
"Mark, you numskull, don't you read the paper? Seven kids have
taken their high school principal hostage and are threatening to blow up
the city with a home made atom bomb if their parents won't increase their
allowances and let them watch David Letterman."
"All that to get an allowance raise and permission to watch David
Letterman?"
"Yeah. They want an allowance raise of several million dollars
and want to watch Letterman via satellite in the Bahamas."
"Oh."
"Mark, you idiot, get going, and don't forget Biminy."
"Yes Cherri." Mark walked out, in a slight daze. Gosh, he loved
it when Cherri got mad at him. She was SO pretty when she was mad.
Biminy was _The_Daily_Gonad_ 's best photographer. His real name
was Johnanthan Robert James Edward Peter Joseph Harold Paul Parker Oppenheimer,
but since every one had trouble remembering it all, they just called him
Biminy, since that was where he came from. Poor Lou. Lou would be so upset.
Lou was Louis Street, and was the best reporter the paper had until Mark
was hired last year.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Mark and Biminy arrived mid-evening in Kansas City, and the crisis
had become even more tense. The children had made even more demands, wanting
two sex-slaves each, while the parents remained adamant that they were going
to get sent to bed without dinner and had further promised that television
privileges would be revoked for two weeks as well unless they stopped this
nonsense immediately and surrendered.
"Gosh Mark, this is so exciting!"
"I know Biminy. Just take some pictures. Make sure that they're
good ones. Get some of the parents, and a few of the principle's wife.
I'll get some statements from people."
Biminy went around, dutifully snapping pictures, while Mark approached
the chief of police. "Excuse me chief, Mark Kent of _The_Daily_Gonad_.
Could I get a statement."
"Mark who of the Daily what?"
"Mark Kent sir, _Daily_Gonad_. I was wondering if I could get a
statement."
"Yeah, sure. Five kids got their principal in there hostage. They
got an Atomic bomb. anything else?"
"How come you haven't called in the National Guard?"
"Because the governor doesn't see this as a serious threat. Spank
them, he sez, and they'll behave and go home and everything will be fine.
What we need is one of them super hero types, like Chipmunkman or something."
"Hmm... Thanks a lot chief."
"Stupid reporters.." muttered the chief, as Mark made his way to
someplace private. This was a job for Superm00se he thought, not a half
rate rodent face like Chipmunkman. Having made sure the rest-room was empty,
Mark uttered the fateful word. "Leviam00se."
Magically transformed, where Mark once stood there was now Superm00se,
replete in his pink tights and blue cape. "Well," thought Mark/Superm00se,
"This should be a cake walk. Four kids with a bomb. Easy."
Emerging from the rest-room, Superm00se arrived forthwith at the
scene.
"Evening chief. Heard you needed a super-hero. What can I do for
you." The cloying arrogance in Superm00se's voice was unmistakable.
A look of incredulity crossed the chief's face when he turned around
to see who was speaking to him.
"Who the fuck are you? Mickey Mouse or something." The chief was
clearly unimpressed.
"No. Tis merely I, Superm00se, champion of all m00sekind and oppressed
non m00ses."
Great, thought the chief. Just what I need. A loony psychopath
loose in a pair of tights.
"Listen Pal, I don't know where you got the hokey get up, but why
don't you give it a break and go home to the wife and kids. This is a dangerous
situation we got here and we don't need no crazy kooks who think they've got
super powers running around. Get lost."
This man was obviously in need of an education. How dare he treat
the mighty and righteous Superm00se in such fashion. We'll, I'll show him.
Flexing his mighty m00se muscles, Superm00se leaped forth at moderate
speed and slammed into the brick wall making a nice impression, but otherwise
failing to crash through. Great display of m00sieness, Superm00se thought
to himself. Guess I'll just have to use the door.
In the meantime, several officers were taken to the hospital for
treatment of severe hyperventilation from extreme fits of laughter.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
It was dark inside the school, but it did not bother Superm00se,
as he merely used his enhanced m00se-ray vision to probe the murky halls.
Moving about, Superm00se located the students in the teacher's lounge. His
super-m00sey hearing brought him startling sounds
"And now from our home office in Scottsdale, Arizona, here's tonight's
top ten list. Tonight's list is the Ten most improbable Super heroes in
Kansas City. (drum roll) Number ten: Sweat-sock Man. Number nine: Faded
Denim Blues Man. Number eight: Tastey-Cake Girl. Number seven: Kansas
City Chiefs Football team. Number six: Hair-Spray Woman. Number five: Coffee
Man. Number four: Cheezewhiz Lad. Number three: Bill Bixby. Number two:
Jake & Elwood. And number one (faster drum roll and a cymbal crash):
Superm00se."
Good God! What fiendish deviltry was David Letterman working now?
And how was it half past midnight when it was only mid-evening several
paragraphs ago? Superm00se needs answers, and needs them now.
Once again flexing his mighty m00se muscles, Superm00se crashed
into the door to the teacher's lounge and enjoyed much more success than
with the brick wall. However...
"greetings Superm00se, we've been expecting you. Won't you come
in and sit down?"
Holy M00se! How could this be? In with these innocent children
sat one of the foulest scourges of m00se-kind in existence. DORITO-BREATH
MAN!!! (insert chintzy suspense music here.)
"Oh come now, Superm00se, do sit down. Let's have a nice little
chat. I take you're here to negotiate the principle's release?" Dorito-Breath
man sputtered out in-between handfuls of doritos and swigs of his drink.
"No, I think not you foul villain. I'm here to take you in and
free the principle and set these children straight." said Superm00se, wrinkling
his large m00sey nose at the terrible reek Dorito-Breath man was emitting.
"Oh you have, have you? Well, think again m00se brain!" exclaimed
Dorito-Breath Man has he gave a mighty exhale in Superm00se's general
direction. Superm00se took one whiff and went out like a light.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"OOohhhhh......" moaned Superm00se, as he came to. What was on
Dorito-Breath Man's breath to put him out like that. It gave new definition
to chronic halitosis. Phew!
"Ah, sleeping beauty awakes. I see you like my new Limburger doritos
Superm00se. Fiendish, aren't they? Took my head chef nearly a year to
come up with them." Dorito-Breath Man gloated over Superm00se, carelessly
holding a bottle of Caffeine Free Diet Coke in one of his hands.
No wonder I blacked out, Superm00se mused to himself. Half the
ingredients to m00se-ite and the fool didn't even know it. I'll just have
to humor him for a while.
"Well, Simperm00se, I'd like to stay and watch your demise, but
I have to be going. Just to let you know how you'll die, pay attention.
When all the sand in that hour glass drains out, the ball will tighten the
cord that will start the motors on the cranks. The cranks will tighten
the Titanium Steel Alloy cables wrapped around you until you're crushed
like an egg. Ha Ha ha ha ah ha haaa (maniacal laughter)." Cackled Dorito-
Breath Man as he left the boiler room. Looking at the hour glass, Superm00se
figured he had maybe five minutes to escape from this one.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Well, It certainly looks bleak for our hero. He's in a real tight
spot. Tune in next week, same m00se channel, same m00se time.
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*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
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<< Continuing Beez's random babbling until he comes up with those stories... >>
The Sauve Lady's Men in Dry Clothing Assn. printed da 1st issue of 'Sauve
Lady's Men in Dry Clothing' this Tuesday. The leader of SLaMeD ClAss (???)
was happy about the first issue, but was disappointed about the circulation
which is currently at 2. He also stressed that the fact that the other member
was female, that he may have to change the name to Sauve Lady's Man in Dry
Clothing. This shouldn't deter any women from joining the organization and
maybe a sister organization could be created. (Debutants You Kan't Escape--
DYKES [just joking...just joking!!]
I checked the Syracuse Library (you know the one..it gets shorter every year)
for any books on M00sian Geometry, M00sian Physics and M00sian Martial arts..
Does anyone know anything about these or where I can find books? (actually this
is meant to spar one of you to write on the subjects, which would give me some
ideas to write on) The closest thing I could find is a book on Zen and the art
of M00se maintance. Thank you for all your help.
Mr. Ed is not a M00se. Wayne Newton is not a M00se. Julia Child is not a M00se.
Donna Reed is reported to not be a M00se. I hope this clears things up.
Beez 'Jimmy Olsen's best pal' Beeler
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<< This from new m00se Spaceman Biff >>
Jeez guys, I made it!!! Bloooop!
Thanks for my induction to m00sehood; I look forward to
my continued and active involvement. (The fiction and fancies in
issue 11, having to do with Sat. A.M. physics and Star Trek, and the
AT&T memo (see figure 1), came to me from a buddy in Berzerkeley, who
got 'em from a pal in Wisconsin, etc., and I forwarded them to my
m00sepapa, wolverine, and the rest is history...)
There are, however, two corrections I feel I must make:
1: The nick is Spaceman Biff (two effs, thank you),
or just Biff for short, and
2: My last name is ZEMANIAN, not ZEMANINA; the latter
form will only cause your e-mail to be returned
poste haste (sorry, my keyboard doesn't do italics
or underlines. If you're a TeXhacker, you may assume
there to be an \it command just before the line two
oops, three lines above this one. \rm) and I won't get
my 'droppings.
That, in a nutshell, is my statement upon induction, and you
will most definitely be hearing more from me later. Consider yourself
warned.
(Spaceman Biff)
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<< Here we have a few unconfirmed Sabre sightings. First, I must say that
I *MAY* have seen Sabre in my room this evening, where he mentioned that
Niniane could blow up my ship. Well. That's why I've got me 8 g's of thrust,
and shields to get away. >>
The was a confirmed Sabre-sighting on 9/19/88 by the one and only
GypsyLynx....right before he was once again kidnapped by the bookstore
slavers....rumors have it that he *might* actually show his face at
a miniature thr0ng-a-th0n in Siberacuse this weekend!
GypsyLynx
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Quote found scrawled on wall in Amherst,
"The best way to deal with an elevator full of hair girls
is to throw in a lighted match and run like hell!!!!!"
--Sabre (or so it claimed)
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Fellow M00ses,
Thank you for helping me in my search for Sabre! And yes, he is
in fact free! I received a telephone communique from him this past
weekend, and while at first I thought it was going to be a ransom
call from his captors, it turned out he was enslaved by an
institution of another type: The Boston U. Bookstore. Plans are
underway to organize a store-break. So thank you all for aiding
in my search. Oh, and by the way, does anyone know the phone
number for Abbott's Dairy Products Inc.?? I have to call them and
cancel the ads on all those milk cartons.....
Wolverine/Trelf
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
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Please add:
Hartford thr0ng MELINOSKI @ HARTFORD Slick Jones
ROSSI @ HARTFORD Loki
U of Vermont chapter DZUCKER @ UVMVM dzucker
Saunacuse thr0ng RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp
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Saunacuse thr0ng MMAUSTIN @ SUNRISE Scamp
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #14| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Oct. 3, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
================================================================================
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fellow m00ses, I'd like to apologize for getting this issue out late.
I'd like to say I've been very busy and didn't have time, but the truth
of the matter is, I completely forgot about it.
Before the actual issue begins, an announcement. Because some people,
through faulty mailers, or slow distributors, or undetected holes in the
distribution network, are either getting their M00se Droppings very slowly
or not at all, Sabre has started a new CSNEWS list: M00SEDRP. This will
*not* affect the normal distribution network at all. If you get your issues
too slowly, subscribe to M00SEDRP to get them faster. Then, when you receive
a second copy via the distribution network, delete it.
And now, on with the issue.
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<< This letter came to me from Love-Hounds Digest. If it's true, it's very
important to all of us. >>
<The following letter was recently sent to the radio station I work
at (WMUA Amherst) by a group in New York called "Music In Action." I
think it will be of interest to many people on the network.>
Dear Music Lover,
In the last few weeks, the freedom of contemporary music has come
under new and alarming attack. Lurking in the halls of Congress is
bill S.2033, the deceptively named "Child Protection and Obscenity
Enforcement Act of 1988," which would allow federal authorities to
confiscate the business and personal property of virtually every one
of us. This bill would enable federal authorities to obtain obscenity
convictions against records (this bill has the same far-reaching
implications for all the other arts - films, books, magazines, etc.),
then to expropriate the goods, bank accounts, homes, automobiles, and
pressing plants of everyone associated with these disks' sales.
Artists targeted incidentally include Prince, Madonna, Debby Boone and
Bruce Springsteen.
Here's how it's being done. Title I provisions of the bill legislate
child protection measures against child pornography, while *Title II
provisions make obscenity a federal crime via the power of Congress to
regulate interstate commerce.* Since the Supreme Court has ruled that
there is no federal standard for obscenity...this bill, if enacted,
would *empower any local extremist group to sue in federal court* the
publisher, manufacturer, or retailer of any material it deemed obscene
*according to it's own local standards.* In addition to the provisions
mandating seizure and forfeiture of property, Title II provides for
*IMPRISONMENT FOR UP TO FIVE YEARS.* This new legislation is the
crowning achievement of the ignominious career of former Attorney
General Edwin Meese who was forced to resign under fire.
As of early July, the RIAA's legislative representatives thought the
law had a very low chance of passage. Belatedly, the RIAA has
dramatically altered it's opinion.
Now it appears that the *Child Protection and Obscenity Enforcement
Act* will be attached to a package of 'anti-crime' legislation and
rammed through as part of a Fall 1988 election-year ploy. Senators
and Congressmen will virtually be forced to vote yes for the bill if
they want to demonstrate that they care about crime and the protection
of children. This bill has already garnered 237 Congressional
co-sponsors, and is drawing an overwhelming volume of mail - all of it
supporting the bill.
Music In Action fully supports the Title I provisions of the bill. We
are strongly opposed to the Title II provisions aimed at denying
adults their constitutionally guaranteed First Amendment rights.
Our opponents are well organized. So must we be. Our future depends
on it. Join us in the fight to preserve our right to creative and
artistic expression. Form a chapter of Music In Action on your campus
immediately and organize a *Music In Action Is Freedom In Action*
campaign.
Thanks,
Howard Bloom Bob Guccione, Jr. David Krebs
Founding members of Music In Action
For more information call : Laura Gordon 212/644-8900
<Above is the un-edited content of the letter (asterisks were added in
place of underlined phrases in the original). This legislation has
the potential to affect anyone who creates or enjoys any of the arts.
Please re-post wherever you think it will reach interested people.
-Peter E. Lee
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<< Sindex has this to say about the new csnotice. >>
1) Since Sabre came up with the idea of the separate csnotice (m00sedrp)
for m00se droppings, I thought it might be a good idea if Pickle were
to send a 1-line bl00p to m00se when a new issue came out, so that
fellow m00se would know if they hadn't received an issue that they should
have, and could request it from csnews.
2) I'm not sure on the actual mechanics and difficulty thereof, but wasn't
LISTSERV designed to alleviate distribution problems such as those that
we're having? It's spread all over the net, and we wouldn't need people
to log on and forward things.... If this seems like a good idea, let me
know and I'll pursue it further and try to figure out just what must be
done to get it onto a LISTSERV... shouldn't be all *that* tricky though...
bl00pfully yours
Sindex
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Yowzah! A great idea (in my opinion) from Jonathan Clemens. >>
I will be attempting to start an Illuminati game over the network, here are
the parameters:
First 9 People to respond will be accepted.
List your group or groups of preference, IN ORDER, with your entry.
If there is enough interest, I will be looking for more moderators, so
if you have a deluxe set and would like to help, tell me that, too.
Deluxe set, all groups, will be used.
The Atlanteans, from expansion set #3, will also be used.
Propaganda and Brainwashing will not be used.
Building up power and resistance will be used.
Turnaround time will theoretically be one day per player turn. It will
most likely be slower than that, but it'll be a bit faster than PBM.
Hidden Illuminati may or may not be used--Vote on this when you enter.
All dice will be rolled by my vax, so impartiality is assured.
All questions, entries, and misc. nonsense to:
Jonathan Clemens JSJPC1@ALASKA
P.S. Weekly, I will get updates on victors & action to Pickle for publishing;
here's a fast way to increase your stature among the M00ses!
P.P.S. No unexperienced players need apply. I know it sounds cruel but I
Absolutely refuse to type the entire rulebook into a file. Not only
would it be a royal pain, it would be illegal (not that I worry...)
Oh, By the way, I know this will put distributors at an advantage. I intended
it that way; after all, they need SOME rewards...
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<< Some information from Spaceman Biff. This may help some of you, but
my mailer still refuses to talk to him. >>
Ground control to Major Pickle:
Stand by for incoming drivel......
(okay, so it doesn't really rhyme. Haven't youse guys ever heard of an
assonance?)
Yo, hey, hey!
I'm given to unnerstan' that yer having trouble reaching me over
bitnet. There is a reason; CHEME is an ARPA host, and does not support
bitnet. However, there are ways about this evil antim00sian censorship.
All the machines at cornell (well, almost all. The PC's and the
dedicated mini's don't count) are tied in a campuswide net, and the I've
Been Moved mainframes are, in fact BITNETtable. It gets worse; my
account is on a cluster of vaxen (still the only correct plural of "vax")
and this tangles the address cluster even worse. Basically, what must be
done is to route mail to me at CHEME through crnlcs.... try sending to
"ZEMANIAN%CHEME@CRNLCS". This is most certainly simpler than the address
wolverine sent you, and may circumvent whatever bottleneck is blocking
the mail. Good luck.
Spaceman Biff
(the preceding message was brought to you as a public service of Sad
Little Unlaunchable Grounded Spacers (SLUGS), a subsidiary of Beatrice)
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<< This from Mary Beth, about the MegaThr0ng-a-Th0n. >>
I recommend having the next throng a thon during the end of January...where we
can all sleep on people's floors...and die of strep & other unknown diseases...
and drink lots of OJ....
kinda a reunion gathering....
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<< A very important piece of information from Wolverine. >>
Guess what I found at 7 Rays this weekend...
"The Complete Discordian M00semas Celebration Handbook"
written by Andalusia the Heretic..all kinds of neat stuff in it,
including:
"There are many ways to celebrate M00semas, all incorrect. Actually
sleeping or even hibernation are most favored of the Gods, but other
possibilities are:
* Loafing, lounging, napping, 'veging out', pretending to meditate,
drifting in and out of light trances, hanging out, viewing TV
(on or off), and low-energy partying with very mellow friends.
* Disconnecting the telephone and doorbell.
* Playing cards or board games while making love in a tub filled
with fragrant warm oils. (if you don't move too fast.)
* Feasting on ritual foods, such as a fresh loaf of bread in
Bullwinkle's image..fruit juice...roast goose...and of course,
chocolate m0usse.
* Avoiding taboo activities such as shaving, worrying, weeding,
the lawn, housework, and thinking.
* Decorating the altar with snack foods, several goblets of wine,
furry hand puppets, long rubber objects, and love sonnets
to yourself.
* Dressing in brown, fuzzy robes and loafers, and invoking the Gods
in a hoarse, bugling voice as rarely as possible, from a
horizontal postion.
So let us all honor the old ways on this day of holy days:
with minimal exertion, go forth and M00SE 0UT!"
Well?
Frank.
<< Let it be known that the date of the MegaThr0ng-a-Th0n (to be held, you
remember, as soon as possible after we get our one-hundredth chapter)
will, from that day forward, be known as M00semas. >>
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
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<< Spaceman Biff was busy this past week. Here are a couple more of his
submissions. The first is about mollusks, which begins with the same
letter as 'm00se'. >>
Bl00p!
Howdy illuminati? All is in disarray here, and therefore, hunky
dory. I thought I might share with y'all (I'm from the South, dammit!
Well, Long Island is in the southern portion of New York State, is it
not? Doesn't that count?) a bit of forensic m00siness that Herr Trelf
and I have been wrestling with, in hopes of solving some of life's
mysteries involving the briny deep. In response to an invite to a pahty
near hallowed evening, I made mention that oysters are a disreputable
lot, living only to be eaten alive and growing gallstones to be hung
about the necks of hair girls. The reply was swift and incisive, and gave
birth to The Trelf Letters, below:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Biffer,
Greetings! Knew you wouldn't be able to attend the party, but
didn't want you to feel left out, so I sent ya' an invite. AS for
druids, I was called a peddler ofcheap silks this weekend by one druid
in particular!!! All because I helped you with your Latin grammar! So
I guess we're both merchants now....and as for clams..
I once had confab with a clam
On the topic of green eggs and SPAM
It was quite jolly, talking with Rollie
Rollie the Multi-Valved Clam
And in the moonlight, Rollie and I
went hunting for chicks, keeping an eye
out for clam-hunters, who with their devilish sticks
would chase down the clams and cut off their-----
<Sadly enough, the preceding broadcast was cut short
when the broadcast booth was blown up by
Clamnesty International, who cited the vulgar,
violence-invoking as the cause for their pyrotechnic
display. Their leader, Rev. Jerry Clamwell, had this
to say about the incident:
"Those bloody bastards had no right singing those
lyrics against us clams! It's anti-clamitism!
Why, how would THEY liked to be covered in tartar
sauce and have US come up and bite their ---"
[ They above statement was cut short when an unknown
bit of plankton came up and whacked Rev. Clamwell
over the head with a 20 lb. sack of compressed kelp.
The Plankton stated that he wasn't really against
clams or their causes, but had just woken up on the
wrong side of the bed that morning. He then began
to slaver and scream that Satan would purge the
world of Blue Whales, and was carried of by
several state and city officials. We now return
you to our normaly scheduled program,
Auntie Edna's Clam and Plankton Cooking Contest.]>
And just why DID Julia Child spend so much time stuffing ducks? I
think it was sexual frustration..maybe we should right to Dr.
Ruth Westheimer...she'll answer stuff that Ann Landers* won't.
Ciao for niao,
See you Thurs. and Sun.,
M00sepapa Wolfie
* - For more on Ms Landers' lack of response to valid questions, see
the accompanying letter, which was sent but not answered several
months ago. --S.B.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sept 27, 1988
So! How's it going, Clamrade?
Thanks for the response, but I think you missed something
crucial in there somewhere. I believe I was talking (and rather kindly,
mind you) about oysters, not those lowlife trollops; clams. Actually, I
guess clams aren't so bad, they simply come from a broken home (seagulls
will do that, you know); having been forced to leave their parents with
nothing but the shells on their backs. The ones I really hate are the
scallops. (oooh. That word gives me cold shivers down the spine when I
even type it, much less say it.) These filthy little buggers are the
most perverted swine of the deep. I'm not the only one who thinks so,
either. Why do you think Shell Oil uses the shell of a scallop (oooh.)
as their logo, huh? I'll tell you why: SEX SELLS!!!!!!!! Those miserable
smut-brokers are appealing to man's baser instincts. (and lets face it,
what red-blooded American male HASN'T felt sexually attracted to
scallops (oooh.) at one time or another?) Notice, however, that they
haven't the guts to admit it right out and call themselves the Scallop
(oooh.) Oil Company. Oh, no. They'd rather abuse a harmless word like
"shell" and then show a picture of one half the exoskeleton of a scallop
(oooh.) and send our teenagers' hormones racing. Makes me sick. See you
Thursday.
If hot dogs are a symbol of all that is
American, does that explain why George
Bush is trying to be such a wienie?
--Spaceman Biff!!!!!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Biffer,
Greetings! I realize that you were talking about Oysters,
but you know those mollusks...they all look alike...and I really
wouldn't worry about scallops ruining the morals of todays youth...
In the latest Reader's Digest poll, 90% of the youth polled said they
didn't take scallops seriously, and believed they were only a passing
fad, much like Morton Downey Jr. 7% said they believed that the
scallops were being prostituted against their will, and these youth
planned to write letters to Nancy Reagan about a "Scallops Say NO"
campaign. 1.5% believed it was just a bum wrap, 1% believed
the scallops were actually hippies re-mutated due to a latent effect
in the drug LSD, which, after an incubation period of 10 to 15 years,
would cause hippies from the Sixties to degenerate back to some form
of oceanic life, and .5% actually Worshipped the Scallop, claiming
"...the Scallop shall bring us back to the Holy. The Scallop shall
bring us back to the pure. The Scallop shall heal the ills of the
materialist world we live in. The Scallop is all-knowing. All
Praise the Holy Scallop. Ooommm!" [At which point the youths, who
called themselves The Holy Zionistic Scallop Movement, began doing
their Sacred Scallop Dance, which included stripping half their clothes
and hiding behind large cardboard cut-outs of the Shell logo.]
So you see, there really isn't much to worry about scallops. they are
basically harmless little shellfish which make a damn good meal. Now,
if I were you, and since we are almost the same shape, it COULD happen,
I'd worry about that etel symbol of innocence, the baby deer. Think
about it...why would they just stand there and let themselves be run
over..could they be some form of strange occult worshippers?
food for thought from your M00sepapa,
Frnak
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
So that's the extent of the discussion to this point. Any additions
from interested illuminati would be muchly appreciated. Perhaps one day
we can accomplish one of my greatest personal goals in life; the
formation of a Pangalactic Mollusk Malignment Foundation. Unfortunately,
this name does not land itself to any decent acronyms, as "PMMF" sounds
suspiciously like the sound made by a m00se upon inhaling (gad!)
DORITOBREATH VAPORS!!!!!. I would have liked to have come up with an
organizational name that acronymizes (Aaagh! Beware the creeping
verbformers!) to OOOH, but there just aren't enough "O" words around to
do it.
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<< This is another Spaceman Biff submission. >>
Oh yeah, about the Ann Landers thing. Youse guys might like the
following letter, which she hadn't the guts to answer.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
S. Tickelrod
Dept of Ch. E.
Olin Hall, Cornell University
Ithaca, New York
14853
June 8, 1988
Ms. Ann Landers
c/o The Chicago Tribune
Chicago, Illinois
Dear Ann,
Not long ago you printed a letter from a bride-to-be who
was concerned that the practice of throwing rice at weddings
kills birds who eat the rice. (Presumably, it swells up in their
bellies.) Well, yesterday I read an article from an ornithologist
at Cornell University who says that rice is okay after all. I
thought I'd share a few helpful hints for those who are still
worried for the birds' safety: firstly, throw birdseed instead,
or, if that's too expensive, cook the rice first. That way, it
won't swell up anymore after it's eaten, and you can save money
too, since you get three cups of cooked rice to throw from every
cup of uncooked rice; a savings of 67%.
I hope I've saved a few brides some worry.
Keeping the Faith,
--S. Tickelrod
Ithaca, New York
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<< This one I'm stealing from WEIRD-L@BROWNVM. It's too good not to share. >>
Ben Johnson comes to heaven, but in order to be alowed to get inside,
he must win a 100 m run against GOD.
They both start very quickly, Johnson runs in the incredible time
9.79 (without doping), but GOD runs in 7.03 ...
Johnson says : Hey man, havent you doped in order to make it so
quickly ?
GOD says : Sure man, but this is not the first time ...
How do you think I was able to create the whole
world in only 6 days ?
<< Could explain a few things, no? >>
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #15| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Oct. 7, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
================================================================================
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bl00p! Welcome to Issue 15 of M00se Droppings. This is quite a large
issue, with much good stuff in it. At the moment, I can't think of anything
interesting to say in an editorial capacity, so I won't. Enjoy!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< The following was sent by GypsyLynx. The editor believes that this may
be another unconfirmed Sabre sighting. >>
The Daily Orange, Thursday, October 7, 1988
A 500-pound bull moose is on the loose in downtown Boston and no one has
been able to track down the animal.
The moose has been on the rampage throughout the western suburbs of the
city. A local television station has nicknamed the animal, which has somehow
found his way down from Maine, "Metro Moose."
There have been fifteen reported sightings of "Metro Moose," the last when
the wild animal was hit by a car Monday morning. Authorities have not seen the
moose, who has become a folk hero in the area.
The Boston Police Department has put an all points bulletin out on "Metro
Moose." Anyone seeing "Metro Moose" is strongly advised to stay away from him.
.................................................................
All right, all right, who's been running loose in Boston wreaking
havoc?? :-)
GypsyLynx
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< At last, the conclusion of Super-M00se's first adventure! Read, and thrill
to the excitement! >>
***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-***
--- ---------- -- ----- -----
Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs
being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations
acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading
these episodes are not the responsibility of the author. Please
RSVP to Commode productions.
When last we left our stalwart hero, his situation was not all that
spiffy. Let's take a peek and see if it has gotten any better.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%PEEK%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Urgh! Uhn! Yerg!" come the sounds of Superm00se's exertions as he
struggles valiantly to free him self from the soon to be tightly constricted
titanium steel alloy cables. There are few precious grains of sand left
%%%%%%%%%%%%UNPEEK%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Nope, guess that it hasn't. Well, now that you've had the obligatory
teaser to keep you around for the show, let's have a word from our sponsor.
"We at Frito-Lays would like to say that this Dorito-Breath Man is in
no shape or form connected to our organization, no matter how fictional he is.
Furthermore, studies show that our Doritos product..."
At this point in the narration in walks a chap dressed in tattered blue
jeans and a faded Grateful Dead tee-shirt.
"... does not in any way cause a person to have lethal, near lethal, or
even mildly offensive odors on his breath. Also.."
"Um, excuse me sir. That last statement is a fallacy which I shall now
prove. Witness the empty bag of Doritos in my hand. Said bag I have recently
consumed without benefit of drink or mouth wash. Now to prove my point."
The chap moves in front of the announcer, and exhales boisterously in
his face. The announcer blanches and turns his head.
"Case closed."
And now back to our show..... (poor rendition of 20th Century Fox theme music)
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Great, Superm00se thought to himself glibly, what a way to go. First
day on the job and I botch it.
Looking at the hourglass, Superm00se noticed that he was almost out of
time. In a few seconds, he would be sliced m00se. What a chocolate way to go
(here the author indulges himself in a horrendously bad pun).
"Cut, Cut! Man, you've got to be kidding, right m00se? That's the
worst monologue I've ever heard. And this predicament is so, so, so... It
sucks! You'll never get the hang of cliff-hanger episodes at this rate."
Superm00se was aghast at this development. Where did all those lights
come from? And all those cameras? What is this, a movie set or something?
And who is this idiot yelling at me?
"Well, you're probably wondering what I'm doing here, and so am I, but
while I'm here, I guess some introductions are in order. I'm Brian DePalma.
I'm the guest director for this episode, or didn't you know? I find it rather
strange to be here courtesy of the mind of some demented college student, but
what the hell. So just who the fuck are you?"
"Well, I'm Superm00se." The cloying arrogance in Superm00se's voice
was unmistakable.
"You don't look so super to me, m00se face. In fact you look anything
but. So how do you propose to get out of this situation? I can only stop the
flow of sand in that hour glass for so long, you know. In fact, I'd say I've
got about two paragraphs left, give or take five."
"I'm afraid I'm flat out of ideas about what to do. I hadn't really
given it much thought. I was just going to flex my mighty m00se muscles, but
that doesn't seem to be working. I don't suppose you could offer any
suggestions?"
"Nope. Not allowed too."
After a brief but seeming eternal silence:
"Ummmm...... I don't suppose you could let me loose could you?"
"Hmmm... I don't know about that. Let me check."
Superm00se watched hopefully as DePalma sheafed through the script.
"Sez here that I can't directly aid you, so... However, I can get you
off the set. Scenery, get this friggin' m00se off my set. NOW!"
Two men in coveralls came in and removed Superm00se on a gurney, and
loosened the steel cables.
"Some free advice:" volunteered one.
"Don't ever show your face around here again," finished the other.
Unbelievable, thought Superm00se, but at least I'm free. Let's get at
the swine with the unbearable breath.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Superm00se wandered down the hall, listening with his m00sey hearing
for that foul villain.
"Ha ha! Superm00se will most likely be dead by now! I've triumphed.
Come children, It's time to review our demands."
Oh, that Dorito-Breath Man. Corrupting those poor, innocent children.
It's so, so, so.. anti-m00sey.
Superm00se followed the sound of Dorito-Breath Man's voice down to the
student's lounge. Peering up over the railing, he saw his adversary and his
eight young accomplices sitting hunched down over a table, talking softly to
themselves. Nearby was a large barrel with a box on top. Must be the bomb,
thought Superm00se. I could give a m00sey leap at him, but those kids are too
close, and if he breathes on me again....
Ah-hah! That would do it. Superm00se quietly slunk away, going back
towards the teacher's lounge. It had to be here, it had to. Rummaging around
in the medicine cabinet in the lady's room, Superm00se found what it was he had
been looking for.
LISTERINE! (Dun dun DUN!)
If Dorito-Breath Man had any weakness, it had to mouth wash. It simply
had to be.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Superm00se stealthily moved over towards the stairs. It'll be risky,
he thought, but it's my only chance. I'll have to force Dortio-Breath Man to
drink this stuff. Moving close, Superm00se crouched behind a couch. He was
very close now. Close enough to...
"Hi there. Do you suffer from chronic halitosis?"
"WHAT? IT CAN'T BE YOU. YOU'RE DEAD. I KILLED YOU!"
"Dead, hardly." Superm00se replied, somewhat nonchalantly. In one
rapid movement, he opened the bottle of Listerine, stuck it in Dorito-Breath
Man's mouth, emptied the contents into his mouth, picked Dorito-Breath Man up,
shook him, then turned him up-side down.
"So tell me, how do you like that feeling of nice clean breath, hmmmm?"
Superm00se inquired innocently
"You, you, you, you... You cleaned my BREATH!!!"
"That's right. You want to come quietly or shall we do it the hard
way?"
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Well Mark, I have to hand it to you. You did a top notch job covering
that story in Kansas City."
"Thanks Cherri. Just doing my job."
"Yeah, sure Mark, sure... So, how about coming over to my place for
dinner tonight?"
"Well, I, ah, sure..." Mark stammered a reply, and blushed somewhat
noticeably. Cherri just laughed quietly to herself.
(Yeah, well if you're a lech and expect that there's going to be
love scene, your wrong! So there! It was just dinner! [author
wags tongue at his readers])
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"So why was I unable to use my mighty m00se muscles to snap the cables,
and burst through the wall? Tell me please, oh great one."
"Strength and maturity, as with all things, come with time Mark. Have
patience. Besides, you truly being super would defeat the whole purpose of
this adventure."
"Which is?"
"I don't know."
-Finis-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Yet more random babbling from Beez, one of the most talented random babblers
I have ever met. >>
Beware of the newest computer virus! The virus started here at Syracuse was
started by an irate user who was laughed at for using an IBM pc instead of a
mainframe or Macintosh. He devized a most clever virus that takes all the files
on your account or disk and deletes them, then replaces them with exact copies.
These copies are exactly the same as the originals and run just as before. The
only way you can tell if you have been hit or not is a negative flow within
your account/disk. So next time you are working..bring your crystals and drain
the negative forces out. Stay tuned for more news on the NEW AGE VIRUS!!
Boston University people..someone write on the plight you guys face with the
new dorm rules and tell us activist people what we can do to help!
What if Unemployed Actors worked in Banks Instead of Restaurants:
(heisted from SPY magazine..the best magazine ever put out..no doubt)
9:12 am : Man in torn t-shirt and faded jeans enters bank: surly 'method actor'
has finally arrived for work.
1:28 pm : Competition amongst tellers to work at window closest to surveillance
camera results in tears and vicious gossip.
2:59 pm : Bank robber's forceful "Put your hands up!" unleashes frenzy of
precision dancing.
To spaceman biff (sp?) you may want to attend one of the central New York
chapters of the Klu Klux Clam (KKC) which are held in a farmer's field out in
Penn Yan, New York. Most members feel that since they have never seen the
ocean, let alone a clam, and that they are ignorant, but not ignorant enough to
hate fellow human beings, they decided to hate the clam.
Pickle: add Vince Sison to the list of M00sers (VASISON@SUNRISE). He looked
over my shoulder when I was reading and said, "That's totally warped,dude! I
must get in!"
I think people should support Dukakis because he has the eyebrows of a M00se I
once met in Fresno.
Now for some interesting stuff and true too!
Full name: The Loyal Order of Moose
History: Founded in Louisville, Kentucky in 1888
Headquarters: Mooseheart, Illinois
Membership: 1,270,000
National Organization: The Moose Domain is governed from Mooseheart and
includes 40 state and provincial associations and 2,074 lodges in the U.S. The
Moose Domain also includes a community for orphans in Mooseheart and a senior
citizens' community called Moosehaven. Moosehaven is "a city of contentment"
where 'the meals are exquisite'.
Qualifications for membership: Mooses cannot have a criminal record and must
believe in a supreme being.
Motto: "Purity, Aid and Progress".
Symbol: The Moose,because it is a big,strong animal "that does not kill and
protects its own".
Costume: Moose dress is distinguished by the moose emblem: a moose head with
the letters P, A, and P.
Women's auxiliary: Women of the Moose.
Initiation procedure: The candidate commits himself to the principles of the
organization, participates in a 'Nine O'Clock' ceremony in which he silently
blesses Mooseheart, has a Moose code of ethics (which urges tolerance of
other's weaknesses, avoiding slander and love for one's fellow Moose) read to
him in front of the lodge altar and is then invested by the right hand of the
lodge governor.
Social advancement: The advanced degrees of Moosehood are The Mooseheart Legion
of the World, Fellowship and Pilgram.
Obligation: Members swear to keep secret everything that occurs within a Moose
lodge.
The height of sublimity: The genuine compassion Mooses feel toward the orphans
of Mooseheart.
Height of mundality: residents of the senior citizen's home, Moosehaven,
receive a 'sunshine allowance' of $25 per month.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< This is a letter that Kev, a new Loyola chapter, sent to Mommydammit,
requesting information about the M00se Illuminati. It contains some
interesting stuff. >>
That m00se thing sounds very bizzare and uninformable. A trivial waste of
time, which is why, naturally, I loved it.
How does one get to respond to people so obviously in need of obscure
weirdness?
Let me know, I have to tell Biff that OOOH obviosly is the well known animal
neglige store, Oliver Orangutange's Of Hollywood. He said he was looking for
an anacronym. There you have it. By the way, don't get the edible underwear
from OOOH, it only comes in banana flavor. Not that I've tried it...I'd never
date an Orangutang. They're sloppy kissers... so I've heard. Plus they don't
even like jaZz, only The Monkees. Pretty pathetic.
Actually, I had a good friend who was an orangutang once. He dated this really
hot babe and got her all sortsa stuff from OOOH. He was a nice guy, but he
always beat me in arm wrestling. Strong little bugger. He never shaved
either.
Neither did his girlfriend, come to thing of it. Oh well, as long as they're
happy.
I think he runs a retail store now, he tried running a video store but all he
would offer was Planet of the Apes and Bedtime for Bonzo reruns.
Oh well. Like I said, let me know how to get in touch with these guys. I might
just fit in!
Thanks...
Kev
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< Wolverine has sent more information on M00semas. Some of the terms below
will be added to the M00se Illuminati dictionary. >>
Here is yet another installment from that wonderful tome of eternal
knowledge, "The Complete Discordian M00semas Celebration Handb00k" by Andalusia
The Heretic.
"Gl0ssary of Terms"
M00stery -- Puzzle, enigma: or a drama in which a hairy brown
detective with horns investigate a murder.
M00sive -- Huge, gigantic; as in "His organ was m00sive, and when
he played with it the sound was indescribable."
Am00sing -- Humorous, entertaining; enough to make a m00se guffaw.
M00sterbation -- Autoeroticism; i.e. groping with a m00se in the back
seat of your Toyota. Or, confabulating with your own
gentiles until your organism is aroused. [those are
the spellings in the book folks, not mine.]
M00scow -- The capitol of the Union of Soviet M00sialist Republics.
The Nine M00ses -- The spirits of inspiration and the arts. In
traditional Discordian lore, the Nine M00ses,
lived on Mount Pelican, and were named:
Mnem00synee: Memory of oversights forgotten until it's too late to do
anything about them.
Kralia: M00zak played over elevator sound systems.
Cleeno: History, revised or made up to emphasize the glorious
achievements of m00sekind.
Cloppity: Heroic poetry about m00ses, especially limericks,
especially bawdy.
Terpsychiatry: Dancing Freudian therapist.
Melpom-pom: Tragedies about high-school-aged m00ses who tried out for
Varsity Cheerleading and were rejected because of their
species.
Eroto: Erratic poetry about m00ses in love and one dies during
orgasm.
Eustace: Flute m00zak, or any knd of rhythmic noises through hollow
objects with holes in the end.
Polypropylene: Sacred songs about Bullwinkle, which there aren't
any but you could make one up. Like "Never, My
M00se, to Thee" or maybe "Good King M00sceslas."
Well, that's only about a third of them..more to come later....
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< The Patrick Salsbury chapter, now known as Warm00se, has been busy, as
you'll see in a minute. This is an excerpt from a letter he sent me. >>
Wait till you hear this! When M00se board was formed, it actually took
the place of JOKES on our bulletin boards. This meant that all the people who
had set pointers to let them know when there were new messages on JOKES got a
message saying there was new stuff on M00SE ILLUMINATI! Now, no one knew what
M.I. *WAS*, and what's even BETTER (and MORE confusing) was that they got
confused by the zeros instead of the 'o's! This meant that they were getting
something saying "New messages in M00SE" and when they typed it, got "MOOSE
does not exist"! Isn't that a MASTERPIECE of peaceful confusion?!?!?!? :)
And it was an accident, too! :)
-Pat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was a glorious week for the M00se Illuminati! In addition to two
new chapters at Loyola, one at Siberacuse, and one at Trinity, we can thank the
Patrick Salsbury chapter (now known as Warm00se) for the addition of seven new
chapters. We are only 15 away from the 100 mark!
Please add:
Loyola thr0ng KEVIN @ LOYVAX Kev
TERESA @ LOYVAX Teresa
Siberacuse thr0ng VASISON @ SUNRISE Vince Sison
Trinity thr0ng CWELLER @ TRINCC Black Adder
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Replace the Buffalo chapter with this entire listing.
Buffalo thr0ng V047KFZ7 @ UBVMSD Jon D. Evans
V050NRGD @ UBVMSD JetStar
V065L4KV @ UBVMSD Donald V. Freedman
V067LUFD @ UBVMSD Riff, DeathM00se
V068KY46 @ UBVMSD John J. Atkins
V085PWPZ @ UBVMSD Valerie J Hammerl
V096NHDQ @ UBVMSD Chris M00spaw
V291NHTP @ UBVMSD WarM00se
magazines/M00SE/m00se16
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/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #16| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Oct. 31, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello again! First of all, I must sincerely apologize about the delay. I
was incredibly busy here, and simply didn't get to putting out the issue.
Hopefully this will put me back on track.
This will be the last issue to go out with Kami's distribution system. The
constant change in the number and locations of chapters will make it very
difficult for him to create a lasting system, and we now have a new
alternative. The Anachronist talked to his Sysop (or equivalent), and though
he was unable to get an actual listserv list for us (apparently, they don't
think we're educational), he was able to learn how a normal person may use a
listserv for distribution. So when I have the next issue ready, I'll send it
to him, he'll send it and a command file to his listserv, and it will send the
issue to the chapters. I don't know if the listserv will somehow moderate the
congestion this can cause, but it's by their rules, so we can't get in trouble
for it.
Also, I have just received requests from several people for M00se.Info. By
next issue, we can expect these people to be m00ses, and we'll start discussing
the megathr0ng-a-thon.
That's enough for now, have fun!
Pickle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< This report from Wolverine and Half-Elf. >>
A recent Thr0ng-A-Th0n took place in Boston, Mass, where members of the
Lansing, Syracuse, and Boston Thr0ngs all met for a weekend in Boston,
highlighted by attending the King Richard's Faire. Also, there were lots of
unofficial SABRE SIGHTINGS all weekend long, though we can't really prove any
of them. Well, here is how it went:
Friday Night: At 7:00 pm, Half Elf and Wolverine of the Lansing thr0ng met up
in Syracuse with Niniane and Guardian Angel of that thr0ng. After loading up
GA's car, we headed off for a long drive to Boston. The ride itself was fairly
uneventful, except for lots of general silliness in the car. (And some rather
poor singing in Wolverine's part.) Arrived in Boston, and then discovered that
the directions Sabre gave us to get to his apt were SCREWED UP. So we ended up
circling several streets and had a minor run in with an adamantium-armored cab.
Amazingly, the cab driver spoke English and was polite. Recovering from his
politeness, we got back in the car and began trying to find Sabre's domain.
After some more circling, we finally found it and entered, rather tired
considering it was about 2:30 am or so. There we unofficially met Sabre and
his room mates Robin and Andy (rorschach). Went to bed.
Saturday: Woke up to some lovely drizzle, and decided to wander down-town
Boston. Had lots of fun visiting all of the places Sabre has been promising
to show us "if you ever are in Boston." Also got some minor repairs done on the
car. Later that afternoon, we met up with Paladin (P-Word!!!) and some others,
and went back into town, where we saw lots of neat stuff. (Pretty neat
balloon-blowing mime, and THE greatest ice cream shop in the World!) Lots of
innuendoes flying around all day, as usual, and I, Wolverine, spent a great
deal of time blushing. (Still not quite as badly as Paladin though...we
tortured him on the trolley...hee hee hee...)
Sunday: Ren Faire at King Richard's!!! At 9:15 am, three car loads of us
(all in costume, of course!) headed off, a bit bleary-eyed but ready for one
hell of a good time. And we only got lost once along the way, and that wasn't
that bad at all. (Stopped at a Mom-and-Pop store for directions...should have
seen the people in the parking lot when everyone started piling out of cars in
cloaks and boots and swords and other period-type garb.) Arrived at the Faire a
bit before opening, and watched the entertainment that was going on. (Appeared
the Queen's diary had been stolen, containing some rather scandalous
information....)
Once on the grounds, we all split up for a bit, everyone going their
separate ways for a bit. (GA and Wolv went to check out the armories...and the
wenches. More on that later.) Some folks like Robin, Niniane and Half Elf got
their faces painted (very nice designs), and lord knows what some others did.
'Twas a slightly chilly day, or so everyone says. [I had a nice wool cloak
on...nice and warm.] We all met together for the first joust of the day, and
stood in the bad guy's section. [Long Live Sir Steven! 'What makes the grass
grow strong and tall?' BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!!!!] We won the early contest, and
the joust ended with Sir Thomas [the wimp] whining that Sir Steven didn't fight
fair, and he laid down a challenge for a joust later in the day to the death.
Once again, everyone split up a bit. Several of us went to see the Elves
at one of the stands, and after a bit, GA and I went back to the Gypsy Camp.
[More on that later...get the impression that there was something Wolvie liked
at the gypsy camp??? Read on.] We all got asked lots of questions by other
guests, as most of them were dressed as mundanes and thought we were all part
of the group. While at Excalibur, Wolv tried purchasing a young Dryad that was
up for auction, but Nin stopped him. "You can rape all the wenches you want,
but you can't eat any of the children!" was a phrase heard often that day.
Watched a dance performance put on by the gypsies, which was rather
interesting. [and suggestive..poor Paladin blushed mighty heavily.]
Other highlights were the Singing Executioners ["Well the place is really
jumpin' and the bodies are a-thumpin' at the Block!"], lots of really neat
shops and stands, wandering minstrels and actors, various performances, and of
course, the final joust of the day, where Sir Thomas defeated Sir Steven. [He
cheated..he carried a loaded horse! Anyway, Sir Thomas wets his armor, that
no good English wiper of other people's bottoms!] After the joust, we headed
back to the gypsy camp one last time. I shall now hand the keyboard over to
Half Elf, who will relate the incidents that occurred, while I go sit in the
corner and blush.
**************************************************************
As well he should blush.....Yes folks, my dear bigBro found a *very*
interesting gypsy in their camp area and convinced her to deposit his sodalite
crystal where no crystal has ever gone before......off the shoulder blouses can
be **SO** handy... And the fun did not stop there, she also willingly blessed
him with numerous kisses to thank him for the privelage of sporting his
sodalite in her cleavage (are you blushing yet Paladin?).
Upon hearing of this incident, both Niniane and I [Half-Elf] declared that
we must meet this fair maid that had so entertained our brother......Wolv
obliged by introducing us at the end of the day in combination with his bidding
her adiue...This lead to more, umm, lip smacking, amazing dips and a token of
the fair maiden's fondness for our favorite Trelf....We are unsure where this
is at the moment altough rumor has it that he keeps it close at hand. At the
time of this report, Wolv continues to wander about with a self-satisfied,
half-grin on his face, occasionally walking into objects, but doing no major
harm to himself (our furniture is another story however...lovesick trolls...
:-)).
Now, gentle readers, I must let you know that I do not usually relay tales
of kiss and tell, but this is Wolv's penance for other events which occured at
the Faire which will be related by the same post-haste.
**************************************************************
Ah, well, Wolv back here...wasn't that interesting, eh folks? Penance,
you ask? Well, after I had placed my bid for the Dryad, we all got to talking
with the elves at the booth there. At one point the little elf here got
confused by the person who ran the booth, thinking he wanted to buy me for
dinner. It was then stated that this was not so, but that he wanted to take
Half Elf TO dinner. There was then a great deal of talk about BUYING Half Elf,
or at least some of her favors. Sabre was challenged to an arm wrestling match
by one of the smaller elves, with the prize being to kiss Half Elf. Sabre
easily defeated his opponent and collected his prize.
The owner of the booth declared that he wanted a try at the prize, and
challenged me, her BigBro, to a match. Now, being the large troll that I am
(and somewhat confident in my strength), I took his challenge happily, with the
condition that should I win, I would recieve a similar prize from one of his
women. Well, he was rather strong, and his women were rather beastly, and I
lost the match. He then offered Sabre a chance at redemption, with a
double-or-nothing wager, which Sabre promptly accepted and lost. So, as the two
of us bashed our selves on the heads for failing Half Elf, the owner collected
the prize. (And I must say that Half Elf really didn't seem to resist the idea
all that much... needle needle needle.....*grin*)
Monday: We were supposed to leave to go back to New York this day, but as the
car needed some more work due to our meeting the cab on Friday, and no body
shops were open because it was Columbus Day, our vacation was extended an extra
day. Once again wandered Boston some more, visiting such places as the Trident
Book Store, a pet shop, and other neat places. And that night, four brave
souls, Half Elf, Sabre, Wolverine and Robin set out on.....THE QUEST FOR
PARMESAN CHEESE!
Few people know that Parmesan cheese is the most rare substance in Boston.
We searched for TWO HOURS looking for Parmesan cheese. We started getting
delirious, yelling at cars for cheese, yelling at apartments for cheese, even
asking one shop owner if they had any goats we could buy to make the cheese
ourselves. Finally we settled for canned Kraft Pseudo-Parmesan cheese. Now, I
can hear you asking "Why did they need Parmesan cheese?" For Fettucini
Alfredo, of course! You see, Wolverine's are part Italian, and make on hell of
a Fettucini Alfredo. [Also, it is an inexpensive way to feed seven people who
were low on cash.]
Finally getting back at the house, we started making the Alfredo, and of
course the stove was an electric one, and poor at that, so it took over an
hour for the water to boil for the fettucini! We finally had dinner somewhere
around 9 p.m.
Tuesday: Finally got a place to do some work on the car. Stayed downtown for
a few hours, and finally headed back to our home towns. After a long car ride
we arrived at Syracuse, where Wolverine and Half Elf took another 1.5 hour
drive back to Lansing, their home thr0ng. Tired and cramped, yet satisfied
from a very fun vacation, they tossed their luggage into a corner, went to
their respective bedrooms, fell a sleep, and dreamed dreams typical of m00ses
returning home. [And no, those dreams don't include Annette Funicello rolling
in jello! That's sick, and I'm shocked at you for thinking of it!]
The End. [Until the Faire hits Sterling next summer...
I WANNA GO BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
- The above report compiled by Wolverine and Half Elf.
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< From Sean Blinn >>
The Tale of Young Danforth
(Plagiarised from the tale of Sir Robin, from Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
And so the members of the Class of 1969 of DePauw University went their separate
ways. Young Danforth went into the Indiana National Guard, accompanied by his
favourite minstrel.
Minstrel:
Bravely bold young Danforth
Rode forth from Huntington.
He was not afraid to die,
Oh, brave young Danforth.
He was not at all afraid
To be sent to Vietnam.
Brave, brave, brave
Brave young Danforth.
He was not in the least bit scared
To land at Cam Ranh Bay.
Or to fight the Viet Cong
In the Tet Offensive.
To leave his privileged home
And his wealthy family,
Who got him out of combat;
Brave young Danforth.
He stayed at home and he wrote press briefs,
And he stayed away from the Viet C.,
And he talked his way into legal school,
And he --
Danforth: I think that's enough music for now.
Suddenly, in front of young Danforth, a monster loomed: the dreaded Draft
Notice! For several seconds, our hero wondered what to do. Then, suddenly, he
decided!
Minstrel:
Brave young Danforth ran away.
Danforth: No!
Minstrel:
Bravely ran away, away.
Danforth: I didn't!
Minstrel:
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
Yes, brave young Danforth turned about,
And gallantly he chickened out...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< And now, M00se Illuminati Press presents... >>
Mike's Saturday Morning
A normal story by Nathan Irwin
One Saturday morning, Mike James woke up, as he often did on
Saturday mornings. This was not unusual. As soon as he woke up, he
became conscious of the sun shining into his room through his window and
of the birds chirping outside. Since this this story is set in the late
spring, this was not unusual, either. However, Mike also noticed that it
was 9:00 am, which was unusual, since Mike normally slept in until
11:00 am, at least on Saturdays.
Taking all these things into consideration, Mike decided that, thus
far, two things about this day were perfectly normal, and one thing was
not. Looking at the overall picture of things, Mike concluded that this
was basically a normal day.
He couldn't have been more wrong.
Having decided that this was a normal Sturday morning, Mike decided
that he would take a shower. This, too, was quite normal. Even for a
Saturday. However, as he was walking to the bathroom, he heard a loud,
high-pitched noise coming from downstairs. This was definitely unusual,
especially on a Saturdy. Since he was still only half awake, it took
Mike a full minute to realize that this high-pitched noise was his mother
screaming at the top of her lungs. Screaming at the top of her lungs was
not something to which Mike's mother was accustomed.
It was, in fact, so unusual that Mike decided it would be best to go
downstairs and see what unusual circumstances could be causing his mother
to behave in such a peculiar manner on this Saturday morning in late
spring. However, as he began to go down the stairs, the screaming
suddenly stopped. Mike concluded that, since his mother had halted her
unusual activity, everything must be back to normal. He also concluded
that, if everything was back to normal, he could continue with his
shower. Hearing no objections, he did so.
After finishing his shower, Mike dried himself off and put on some
clothes. This was not, in and of itself, unusual. Having done so, he
went downstairs. He then proceeded to enter the kitchen, which was
another thing which happened to not be unusual. In fact, it was
something he did quite often, even on Saturdays.
However, Mike was quite surprised by what he saw in the kitchen.
For Mike's mother was lying prone on the kitchen table, with blood, gore,
and various green stuff spewing out of her body, and dripping all over
the table. And the floor. And into a bowl of Cheerios on the table.
The flow of this muck was facilitated by a hole in her abdomen, about the
size of a basketball.
Mike, by the way, was an excellent basketball player. His father
hoped that Mike would go to college on a basketball scholarship and, one
day, play professional basketball.
This, of course, is totally irrelevant.
Mike was, of course, very upset. After all, his mother appeared to
be quite dead, and seeing your mother dead is an upsetting experience for
anyone. Not to mention, quite unusual. Even on a Saturday, when unusual
things are extremely likely to happen. At least, in this story. Of
course, it wasn't his mother's death that upset Mike so terribly much, it
was her creating an awful mess all over the kitchen. And dripping on his
breakfast. Rendering it quite inedible. Even on a Saturday.
Then, Mike took a look around the room, and noticed a strange object
in the far corner. Upon closer inspection, it turned out to be a basket-
ball. Mike's basketball. Covered with the same blood and muck that was
seeping out of his mother's carcass in smaller and smaller quantities.
Mike was, as I have already stated, a fairly good basketball player.
I suppose I should mention that Mike presumed that his mother was
quite dead. She wasn't. In fact, she lived a few more hours. In
excrutiating pain, I might add. As if soeone had pushed a basketball
completely through her body. Which, apparently, someone had. But,
anyway, she died. Eventually.
Mike, of course, was quite traumatized by the whole thing. He
never could eat Cheerios after that.
Oddly, that day, Mike gave up basketball for good. You see, after
that day, he found basketball incredibly boring. He was, however, quite
interested by the muck and gore that he had seen oozing out of his
mother. In fact, he found it fascinating. He even kept a sample in jar,
in his room. He went on to study anatomy and learn all about those
little things in the human body. Many of which, he had seen in his
mother. He went on to become a brilliant, albeit eccentric, surgeon. He
even performed the world's first intestine transplant.
And lived happily ever after.
Even on Saturdays.
That, of course, is totally irrelevant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
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<< More for the M00se Illuminati dictionary, pilfered by Wolverine. >>
Well folks, here's more from that wonderful tome of knowledge and
all-around m00seiness, "The Complete Discordian M00semas Celebration Handbook"
by Andalusia the Heretic.
M00sletoe -- Sacred plant which grows on m00ses, once part of ancient rites
involving wonderful orgies (see 'M00zola Party'), now reduced to the
tradition that you must kiss any m00se upon which it is growing.
M00swich -- Velveeta, mayo, and a m00se between two slices of Wonder bread;
also any Witch Initiated into the M00steries of Bullwinkle.
M00siah -- Spiritual leader whose coming was prohpesied in the Old M00stament;
at M00semas celebrations, the glad cry rings out, "The M00siah
comes! (and comes, and comes, and comes, and comes....)"
M00slim -- A Middle Eastern sect of the M00steries, whose adherents believe
that "There is but One M00se, and Bullwinkle is His Name." They
worship in temples called m00sques.
M00seltov! -- A traditional cry of blessing and congratulations, called out to
anyone seen in public in the company of a m00se.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< And now, a quote from Bard. >>
`When in Danger or in Doubt
Run in Circles, Bl00p and Shout'
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
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As previously stated, an updated list will be mailed after this issue.
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #17| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Oct. 15, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
================================================================================
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Greetings once again, fellow m00ses! First of all, I would like to
announce a wonderful and truly m00sey event: RED ROCK MUD PUDDLE is our 100th
chapter! This means we can begin discussing the Megathr0ng-a-thon that we've
been waiting for! See EVENTS for details...
I would like to suggest, once more, a way to get to know our fellow
m00ses. I made this suggestion over the summer, and only one person answered.
I would like to start at the top of the m00se list, and print a brief ID file
about a m00se each month. Your standard BITNET ID will do, though if it's
longer than 25-30 lines it should be cut down to there. This way, we'll learn
who we're associating with. Those of you who don't know what an ID file is
will get the idea pretty quick. Anyway, unless there is violent opposition to
this idea, I'm going to start it next issue. That means YOU, G00se, get the
honor of going first! If you don't want to, let me know ASAP and I'll move
down the list.
Also, election time is coming. I don't know about the rest of you, but I
refuse to vote for Bush or Dukakis. If any of you feel the same way, and were
planning on not voting, or on writing someone in, may I suggest you vote for
Ron Paul, the libertarian candidate? He stands no chance of winning, but if
enough people vote for him, maybe the percentage of the popular vote he gets
will say something about what we thought of the choices this year.
Lastly, some people have been asking about the new distribution via
LISTSERV. To clarify: You *do not* need to subscribe to the LISTSERV. The
Anachronist will simply send the server a list of all people to forward
droppings to each week, and it will take care of the rest.
Anyway, on with the issue....
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's time to start planning the Megathr0ng-a-thon! Here's what we need:
A place that can handle a large number of weird people. I don't know how many
m00ses will be able to make it, but I suspect it will be rather a lot. We're
not exactly swimming in moolah down here, so renting a convention center is out
of the question. It also looks like it will be a winter event, so camping is
probably out. If we hold it here in or near Hartford, I can provide a list of
hotels and rates for people, but I'd like to hear other suggestions first.
The other major consideration is when. If we hold it here, I'm going to
try to get it to coincide with Hartford's Winterfest, which should be lots of
fun (especially if there's snow on the ground!) MAYBE we could hold it during
winter break....
Anyway, let's start talking about this! Send discussion on this matter to
CSBB.M00SE, our CSNEWS discussion list, so that we can carry this on faster.
Those of you not subscribed, even those at the Wesleyan thr0ng who couldn't
sign up before, try again. Supposedly it has been fixed, so that off-BITNET
people can subscribe. Send the following command to CSNEWS@MAINE:
CSBB SUBSCRIBE M00SE CSNOTICE
I don't recall if this is supposed to go in the subject line or the main
text of a letter, so try putting it in both places to be safe. All important
discussion on this matter will be reprinted in M00se Droppings for those who
can't subscribe.
Until later,
Pickle.
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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<< Although he hasn't an episode for us this week, CHAOS Engineer has plans. >>
Greetings gentle readers,
Although there is scheduled to be an episode of Superm00se this issue,
due the combination of writer's block and one and one-half tons of mindless
acadamia to deal with, it won't be ready till next week.
Also, M00se Wolverine of the Lansing thr0ng has requested a guest shot
in the upcoming episode. If there are any other m00ses out there who would
like a cameo appearance in a future episode of Superm00se contact me.
Coming next week, Superm00se joins forces with the League of Super
Veggies to battle the Velta Vermin(!!!)
CHAOS Engineer
(JBANKERT@SUNRISE.BITNET)
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*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
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A matter of much concern is upon us. You may recall that Sabre has
disappeared. Sabre is a member of the Boston U thr0ng, but he originally came
from the Maine thr0ng. Unofficial sightings abound, but we still don't know
where he is.
This week, the Maine thr0ng was all but wiped out. Rainmaker is all that
remains. According to the mainframe there, the rest of the m00ses' accounts do
not exist. Something is killing the m00ses. It begins in issue #17....where
will it end? We must do something about this. Anybody with information,
please help.
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
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ADDITIONS
Boston University thr0ng ENLDC8C @ BUACCA Paladin
Buffalo thr0ng V123P62M @ UBVMSC Lorelei
V078QM32 @ UBVMSD F00nels
V083PBXV @ UBVMSD Sindar
V098PZJD @ UBVMSD Cardinal M00se
V101PYRW @ UBVMSD Villager M00se
V110JQ34 @ UBVMSD The Reverend M00ster
V133NNUW @ UBVMSD BigBadM00se
HABiT SH06078 @ UAFSYSB Sam Huntsman
Northeastern U. ACM_MDB @ NUHUB The_Sage
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REMOVALS
Maine thr0ng IO80034 @ MAINE The Dragon
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
CHANGES
Villanova thr0ng: The Doctor is now using WATER @ VUVAXCOM
Wesleyan thr0ng: Damsel is now using AG @ WESLEYAN
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #18| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Nov. 20, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
================================================================================
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Welcome to Issue #18. A word of wisdom to you all: Do NOT spill apple
cider in your computer keyboard. It requires heavy cleaning.
It appears that the Anachronist's LISTSERV command works, from what
I hear you all received your copies of issue #17. It wasn't a month late,
incidentally; I marked the date wrong.
To lessen the load on BITNET, I am attempting to get a list at YALEVM
to take care of half the chapters; there is a possibility that Kamikaze
will be able to get one at Villanova as well. There won't be any major
changes, however; at most, a change in the list you receive your issues
from.
Without further ado, on with the issue.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< This letter from Mommydammit. >>
Bill,
Markus and I were driving north on highway 301, just north
of the Nice Bridge in Maryland... and we saw a M00se l0dge... is it
ours??? We bl00ped to it just in case!!!
Glad to see all the chapters adding up!
BL00P!
pamela/mommydammit
<< Mommydammit: I don't know. But best to bl00p just in case. --Bill >>
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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<< Reprinted from CSBB.M00se, for those of you not subscribed. >>
Fellow M00sers:
It has come to my attention that there are not enough m00se thr0ng-a-
th0ns, due to the locale of many of the m00se chapters, and the funds
accessable to the conspiracy group. So, I would like to enter a proposal for a
m00se throng-a-thon here in Fayetteville, Arkansas, or any surrounding area in
Ark, OK, or TX for the Christmas holidays. It is expected that all the
followers of the UAFSYSB HABiT thr0ng (which can be a lot at times) will
attend, or as many as we can send. I hope that this is somehow accepted by some
of the chapters around the surrounding area, and that we can get this thing off
the ground. If not, Oh Well, I guess we will just have to have the usual
Christmas. Here in Arkansas, we have a lot of things to offer.
M00seMan
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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<< This from Dave T. Dead. >>
Heard this on Dr Demento...
Dem M00se Goosers.
How 'bout dem m00se goosers ain't they cloose?
Up in dem boondocks goosen' dem M00se,
Goosen' dem HUGE m00se,
Goosen' dem tiny,
Goosen' dem middly m00se in dey heinie,
How 'bout dem M00se goosers ain't dey Dum'?
Some use an umbrella,
Some use a thumb,
Dem obtoose M00se goosers sneeken' through the woods,
Pokin' dem snoozy M00se in dey goods!
How to be a M00se gooser?
It'll turn ya puce!
Get yer gooser loose and rouse a droozy M00se!!
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<< More Beez Babble >>
I think we should make it a law that we remain M00ses and never change to
something like Buffal0s. I know this sounds unimportant, but with the
rising p0wer of the Superthrong, it may be dangerous!
As of yet there are is only one other member of the Suave ladies men in
dry clothing and I haven't heard from her in months. This trend towards
men being wet and macho scares me since it was Manly men in wet clothing
which brought about such things as: the Reagan Administration, New York
Yankees, The Bay City Rollers and sweat.
Are you aware of the song by Queen called M00setafa? Its on the Jazz album
and is required listening.
Just remember what Nietchze (sp!) said about Love:
Love is riding through the Siberian tundra and having
your snowmobile tip over. At night the ice weasels come.
Which again reminds me that the big thing in my Bud House now is ice weasels.
They are cousins of Otter Pops except they don't come in various tasty flavors.
Not that this is really funny, but if something humorous does occur or I happen
to mention ice weasels over and over again, you know why.
As usual, anything I say can be distorted and/or published as you see fit since
if you didn't do it, the sys progs who read everyones mail because they work for
big brother would read it (I know sucky sentence structure!) and would use it
against me in case I ran from President (not for, but from). Blah blah blah.
Tag! You are it!
Beez of the Crumpled face variety
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PLEASE ADD
Buffalo thr0ng V122QQVZ @ UBVMSD Sweeper M00se
IN%"JJZ @ S.CC.PURDUE.EDU"
ChickenM00se
HABiT DB06103 @ UAFSYSB David Boddie
Old Dominion University thr0ng LBS100S @ ODUVM (nick unknown)
Portland thr0ng IP60591 @ PORTLAND Centauri
Stony Brook thr0ng JROSENSH @ SBCCVM Joanne Rosenshein
SUNY at Brockport thr0ng DS1437 @ BROCK1P Don Schleede
MW2440 @ BROCK1P Mark Weiland
Villanova thr0ng 59401463 @ VUVAXCOM Starscream
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CHANGE
from: V050NRGD @ UBVMSA JetStar
to: V054NN84 @ UBVMSA Foto (AKA PacifistM00se)
rom: VY8630 @ BINGVAXA Red Rock Mud Puddle
to: FR0250 @ BINGVMA
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #19| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Nov. 28, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
================================================================================
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Hello all! Bl00p! Welcome to Issue #19. There is much discussion of the
coming MegaThr0ng-a-thon in this issue; it being important, I suggest you read
it and get back to me or the csbb.m00se discussion.
Also, the list owner at Yale turned down my request to use his listserv
for Droppings distribution, so we're still working from one listserv only. If
anyone can get a list elsewhere, please do! We need to spread this thing out a
little.
Lastly, the listserv does not like off-bitnet addresses. The only
off-bitnet chapter it can send to is Larry at B.U. So would those of you near
the other other-network chapters please continue to forward mail to them.
Hmm. That's it for this editorial. On with the issue!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< A note from Jonathan >>
BTW: could you put a query in M00se Droppings about how many M00ses are on the
internet, and how many of them would like to expand operations to there?
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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<< There has been much discussion about the MegaThr0ng-a-thon on the M00se
discussion list on CSNEWS. For those of you who are not subscribed, and
for those of you who have forgotten what's been said, a recap of the
highlights. >>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
On this Mega-Thr0ng-a-thon...
I was recently in a Thr0ng of chapters from the Buffalo SUPER THR0NG,
(about 6 of us), and one of the m00ses sugeested holding either THE M-T-a-T, or
at least *A* M-T-a-T here in Buffalo, as we have almost 20 chapters right here.
What say? Anyone interested?
DangerM00se
Pat
et. al.
:^>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hey! Help!
What about us lower-in-the-corner-on-in-the-out-of-the-way people? There are a
lot of m00se fans here, a lot that don't have id's that would like to
participate in this M-T-a-T. I just cant lift off and fly to Buffalo. I know
there are a lot of chapters there, but I think you could get a better
participation if you hold it closer to the middle of the US. Like Indiana for
instance. You could get all us Southerners (AR,OK,TX,MO) ppl along with
yourselves. I think the event is cool and everything, but I think we should
pick a spot that will have more participation than Buffalo.
M00seMan
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
C'mon David, what about us in the north and west? The Alaska thr0ng? We've
pretty much resigned ourselves to not going, because even if you guys held it
in Seattle, it would still cost us a grand to get there and back.
Jonathan Clemens
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Right on, I mean, what *true* m00se is going to want to trek *all the way to
CT*? And when we all get there? Have you people looked at a map lately? CT is
small...we'd never fit all the chapters in the state without destroying it in
the process. So, I propose we hold the Thr0ng-a-Thon in a nice, big state with
plently of wide open spaces. It's winter, the farmers aren't using their wheat
fields for anything, we can just move in and take over. Just think, Washington
State's Whitman County (the proposed site) is probably bigger than the *entire*
state of CT, and Washington has *plently* of counties to chose from.
So, what do you say? Give chilly Pullman, Wa a try, it's not quite the last
place on Earth, but darn close!
BardM00se
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Greetings all,
CT might be small...It might be only a two hour drive from one end to the other
but..but Washington is dullsville USA ( ;^) sorry bard )...
We of the Central CT State U thr0ng support our state..( 'Oh connecticut ...
(break into song..) our lovely sewer pit..)
Connecticut: If you can't spell it FAKE IT!
Bigger isn't nessarily better..
Its not the size that counts..
Vegi-m00se..(sometime goblin)
Salmon m00se..(sometimes awake)
( President skippy? )
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Reasons to have it in Buffal0:
1) Largest thr0ng in the world is in Buffal0
2) It's not in the east, not in the south, and not in Alaska.
3) It's near canada
4) I have a m00se(made by Gund)
5) I said so!
6) I'm too poor to travel south
7) I'm too tired to find Connecticut
8) I'm employed and can't leave my job to go Bl00p!(unreasonable of them, isn't
it?)
9) It's near Niagara Falls
10) It's near my house(this is NOT an invitation to use my house!!!!!!)
11) It's near sibericuse
12) It's near Lake Erie and Lake Ontario
13) Most of you have never been to Buffal0
14) If the buffal0 thr0ng fails to attend, 1/5 of all m00ses wouldn't make it.
15) It's cheaper than going to Alaska.
That concludes my list of 15 reasons to have it here.
Well, I hope you all have a m00sey day.....Bl00p!
aloha.
Valerie. :)
whose name doesn't lend itself
to anything m00sey.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I have a solution. How about all m00ses having their own parties,
inviting those chapters and thr0ngs in the area to a common place, and hold all
these thr0ng-a-thons at the same moment, maybe even sending out updates via
this very conference to all m00ses nationwide? That way, no one place has to
be picked. Sort of like a major national m00se convention day, eh? We just
have to pick a time and date, that way!
hciR the inbl00pable...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Like Thr0ng-a-th0n day idea. Maybe the day Bush is sworn in, to add to the
confusion...?? Seems to be the best compromise among the much divided m00ses.
Din0m00se
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I like the idea of simultaneous M00se-a-th0ns in varying parts of the
country. Obviously a single location is going to be inaccessible to many, if
not most m00ses. In addition to the possibility of phone communications
between the gatherings, may I suggest that one m00se at each Thr0nging place be
appointed official PhotoM00se? The idea would be for everyone at each
Thr0ng-a-th0n to chip in to cover the costs of film and processing; then the
prints could be snail-mailed around to all the m00se chapters, preferably with
the photos labeled.
Another possibility for a Grand Thr0ng-a-th0n would be to hold it in
conjunction with the annual bizarreness known as NetCon(tm). No, I don't know
yet where next May's edition of NetCon(tm) will be held, but I suspect it will
be somewhere on the east coast.
Niniane
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< In response to the above.. >>
Hey, that sounds like a great idea! One question, though... Would people
want colour photos or black & white? Some of the advantages of B&W are:
1) If any m00ses have the facilities, prints could be developed
cheaper than sending them away. (Many schools have darkrooms
which students can use.)
2) We could make the prints bigger, (say, 8x10,) and make duplicates
of only the ones we want to send out.
- SalmonM00se
(Godfrey)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< Well, there you have it. Personally, I support the many thr0ng-a-thons at
once idea, and I think the photos are an excellent idea. However, the cost
of 130 or so copies of as many sets of pictures as there are parties would be
prohibitive, so I suggest that only a large group shot of each thr0ng-a-thon
be distributed to all the m00ses. If anybody wants more pictures than that,
they can send money to the photographer. That way, each party can buy the
film, and each chapter can put in enough money for one large print from each
thr0ng-a-thon.
All that remains, then, unless there is strong objection to this idea, is
to arrange a time and date for the parties. Since we want them to happen at
the same time, of course, we must account for time zones. We shall continue
this discussion on CSBB.M00se. >>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< A filksong by three employees of Steve Jackson Games; honorary m00ses all.
A song not about the M00se Illuminati in particular, but about all such
organizations. >>
ILLUMINATI
(to the tune of "Eleanor Rigby")
Steve Jackson, Joe Vail, Creede Lambard
Illuminati . . .
They put a thing made of tinfoil on top of my door . . .
What is it for?
Illuminati . . .
Shooting a ray at my cornflakes to make them turn green . . .
What does it mean?
The Illuminati . . . They're watching me, I know.
The Illuminati . . . They're everywhere I go.
Illuminati . . .
Doing unspeakable things in the night to a cow . . .
Where are they now?
Illuminati . . .
Sent an impostor in place of the Popsicle man . . .
What is their plan?
The Illuminati . . . They're watching me, I know.
The Illuminati . . . They're everywhere I go.
Illuminati . . .
They cancelled Star Trek, The Fonz, and My Mother, the Car . . .
Are they bizarre?
You can't escape them;
Even if you take a plane to Nepal or Peru . . .
They'll be there, too . . .
The Illuminati . . . They're watching me, I know.
The Illuminati . . . They're everywhere I go.
I know that they know all about me . . .
They know that I know all about them . . .
Illuminati . . .
Hide their assassins' instructions in newspaper text . . .
Who will be next?
They're all around us . . .
Underline every third word in the Times and you'll see . . .
How can it be?
The Illuminati . . . They're watching me, I know.
The Illuminati . . . They're everywhere I go.
They're in the attic and the cellar . . .
Bigger than Hunt or Rockefeller . . .
Illuminati . . .
Go through my garbage and count all the pop bottles there . . .
Why do they care?
They're out to get me . . .
They're fluoridating my water from their UFO . . .
What do they know?
The Illuminati . . . They're everywhere, I see.
The Illuminati . . . And no one knows but me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< A suggestion from GypsyLynx >>
Why can't we have a M00se Day? I mean, really -- isn't it more than a
little ridiculous to have a day for Turkeys and not for the majestic m00se??
Let's hear it for staring our own M00se day and turning it into a national
holiday? (and there will be much rejoicing)
Bl00p!!
More later....
GypsyLynx
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< From Mr. Sparebuttonssuppliedwithhisshirt, a new feature! >>
It has come to my attention span (albeit short) that our fine newletter lacks
that which makes any and all newspapers worthwhile...a comic section.
It is for this reason that I send this, my first ever comic approach on a
computer.
M00SET00NS
|-----------------------------------------|
| |
| |
| O |
| '|' ________ |
| < \ / \____ |
| | | |
| --O--------O---| |
| |--XO |
| |
| |
------------------------------------------|
M00setakes # 1...how not to perform a hit-n-run...
Thank you...
Mr. S.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< Interesting stuff from Din0m00se >>
Has anyone noticed there's an 'airheads' club on UMNews?? They exist solely to
make their club larger. THEY HAVE NO PURPOSE!! THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE A
PORPIOSE!!
WE at least stand for something, and I for one plan to give them a piece of my
mind (and a little of Proust's spittle, perhaps)!! Let's start a mail wars, by
submitting like crazy to AIRHEADS DIGEST c/o CSNEWS@MAINE. Just put '/append
airheads' as the first words in your posting.
I have inducted a few more m00ses lately, but forgot their names. Just want
you to know the Trinity thr0ng is growing... (and another reason to have one of
the parties here in CT...)
Din0m00se
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< M00se Sightings Continue >>
This reporter has just seen photographic evidence that there is an
unrecorded m00se chapter wandering the wilds of Newfoundland. What can we do
to bring this poor soul out of the wilderness into the bizarreness of m00sedom?
Niniane
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Unconfirmed Scamp sighting!!!!.....Alacrity and GypsyLynx are still not sure if
their eyes were playing tricks on them, or if it was actually Scamp logged on
in the SU Aid center Tuesday night. The witnesses in question state that she
was buried in over 200 mail messages that had piled up in the 3 weeks that she
has not been logged on.
GypsyLynx
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ADD:
Alaska thr0ng FSDEM2 @ ALASKA Mugwump
Loyola thr0ng FRANK @ LOYVAX Spank
Siberacuse thr0ng DPFLINT @ SUNRISE Sandman
University of Missouri chapter C482529 @ UMCVMB Count_Zero
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
CHANGE:
from: HABiT DB06103 @ UAFSYSB David Boddie
to: HABiT DB06103 @ UAFSYSB M00se Man
from: KEVIN @ LOYVAX Kev
to: KEVIN @ LOYVAX Mr. Sparebuttonssuppliedwithhisshirt
magazines/M00SE/m00se20
+431
View File
@@ -0,0 +1,431 @@
_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #20| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Dec. 9, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings. Due to the hugeness of the issue, there will be no editorial.
Sorry it took so long. There are a couple items that will be held till
next issue, due to size.
This issue will be followed by a complete Chapter list.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Two letters, one of them in response to the multi-thr0ng-a-thon
Megathr0ng-a-thon idea. >>
This idea can stick. I like it. Ok, where are all the mid/south m00ses, huh?
Or is this the only throng in the south/mid area? where are the folks from
IN, ILL, TX, AR, LO, KT, and other surrounding areas huh? Let me know, and
we can decide on a place for the M-T-a-T Middle-United-States-Housing
(that's MUSH). I would be willing to say, have it here in Fayetteville, but
a lot of m00ses might not be able to make it. Plus I am a poor M00se, and
dont own a house or anything like that here. Anyway, let's talk MUSH ppl.
M00seMan
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Greetings earthm00ses.
I have pondered the future m-t-a-t and have come up with 2 reasons to have
it in the Andromeda galaxy, convenience,proximity, and ease- 3! 3 reasons
to have it in the Andromeda galaxy: convenience, proximity, ease and
we all have spaceships- 4! 4 reasons to have it in the Andromeda galaxy,
(specifically the twenty-third planet from the star, specifically in the little
village of Myrsxxxphildweeeeblebl00p...nice little town with a few alien
m00ses whose antlers are fourty feet long...oh dear, I seem to have strayed
from the main subject...) 4 reasons to have it in the Andromeda galaxy:
convenience, proximity, ease, we all have spaceships and it's nice-oh
damn...
Well, you get my point.
A very confused and whacked out Mr. S.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I do hereby propose the last weekend in January for the MTAT. Any
support or objections?
Pickle.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< From Mitsya, the Red M00se. >>
Over thanxgiving vacation, a m00se was killed in the town of Wiscasset,
ME. It was apparently a hit and run accident, and there was an immediate
funeral and burial, so the identity of this particular m00se remains in
question. If there is a m00se whom you know, and was anywhere *near* the
Wiscasset area, and is now missing, please contact me (ip85033) This cannot be
tolerated. Spaceebaw bolshoi.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< Here we have a not-original filksong of sorts, which I found on a listserv
the day after the election. I'm including it because I want to. >>
Yesterday
George Bush seemed so far away
Now it looks as though he's here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday
Suddenly
There's not half the choice there used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly
Why
He
Had to run
I don't know
He wouldn't say
He's
Got
Most things wrong
Now I long
For yesterday
Yesterday
War was just an easy game to play
Help me find a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< Two of our most productive contributors this issue are Goblin_m00se and
Salmon M00se. This might, perhaps, fit better under EVENTS, but due to
the way it was written, I figured "what the hell?" >>
ADVENTURES IN THE 11TH CENTURY
or
WHEN GUMBY WENT TO WAR
(From the Files of M00selock Holmes)
It was a dark and stormy night... raining cats and dogs, London-style. The
night of 21 October, 1988, to be exact. I followed a m00se's vehicle through
the sheets of rain, to a large brown-and-white house somewhere in Connecticut.
With a great roar, the yellow Toyota came to a stop.
Its owner, grabbing a tape out of the glove compartment, cursed as he
stepped into a large puddle. He ran up to the front door, peered in the side
window. Seeing no lights, he vaulted back down the front stairs and ran around
to the side of the house. There was a light on in the cellar, and several
above ground level. He must have realized his actions looked suspicious,
because he ran back to the front porch and rang the doorbell.
Generally, when people ring doorbells at 11:30 PM, a house's owner answers
the door with a shotgun. Not this time, though. The m00se was let into the
house. I crept up to the newly-lighted window and tried to peer beneath the
window shade, in the 2-millimetre gap between it and the window frame. Wats0n
sneezed, and I shoved my pipe up his nose, to prevent further noises. I turned
back to my vigil.
Inside were four m00ses: Fuzzy, Snarf, SalmonM00se, and Goblin_m00se.
Attaching my suction-cup stethoscope to the window-glass, I sat back on
Wats0n's hunched-over form and listened.
The tape played; at first I thought it was a Beach Boys' song, but its
lyrics had something to do with a Soviet sub grounded in Malibu. Odd, these
four were. They talked quite a bit, their conversation centering on mead,
Scotch-guard, and Lazer Tag. Eventually, around 3:30 AM, they went to sleep.
Some of the more interesting snatches of conversation involved removing
Goblin_m00se's clothes and taking pictures while she slept...
<->-<->-<->-<->-<->
It was a dark and stormy morning. Two people left; SalmonM00se, as I
could identify him now, and the female non-m00se after him. The rain
continued, pouring like dead cats. (I have nothing against cats, mind you, as
long as they're stuffed.) I kicked Wats0n's sleeping form and told him to
climb up to the third-floor window and see what was going on. He fell off the
side of the house, and I left him stuck head-first in the mud. I had more
important things to do. I climbed to the bedroom window.
Goblin_m00se was curled up in bed, pillows everywhere. One m00se, Fuzzy,
stuck his head in, wondering if she was going to sleep forever. Goblin_m00se
finally staggered out of bed, looking like the living dead, then began dressing
in tenth-century clothes. I cursed Wats0n for not buying more film.
Eventually, with two others, they climbed into a Mercury Marquis and sped
off. I tossed Wats0n into my orange Isuzu and pulled out after them. Finally
catching up to them on the motorway, I was hard-pressed to keep up with them.
Their velocity was increasing rapidly, as was mine. I saw, from the corner of
my eye, a hidden police car. As we passed, the radar, which was pointed lazily
out the window, exploded. I had no time to contemplate this happenstance, as
we went to PLAID.
During the ride through hyperspace, Goblin_m00se's automobile
metamorphosed into a maroon dragon. My own vehicle, I am sad to note, could
muster no more than a brightly-coloured iguana. It sufficed, however. We were
at our destination.
We were in a large, rutted field. The dragon was becoming mired in the
soggy ground, and several people ran towards it. "Oh dear," I thought,
"They're going to kill Goblin_m00se." I hopped off of my iguana and hid. After
a second thought, I grabbed Wats0n down from the iguana and pulled him to my
hiding place.
The people were more benevolent than I thought; they merely helped the
dragon to an empty space. Its four riders piled off and walked to a table
marked TROLL BOOTH. There were four: Goblin_m00se, Fuzzy, and two others, one
of them a monk. The monk looked faintly m00sey, but I couldn't tell from that
distance. They paid some gold to the troll, and walked past.
Not much happened for a while, except that they met up with SalmonM00se
and a female M00se whose name I didn't know. I'll have to refer to her
anonym00sely.
The entire field was full of mediaeval people. I checked my watch; it
read "SOMEWHERE BETWEEN AD 600 AND AD 1650". Well, that's Japanese technology
for you.
The m00ses eventually entered a large barn, with the rest of the
middle-aged people. (Well, most of them were fairly young.) I watched as His
Immensity, the Baron Beyond the Mountain, held court. Immediately following,
the King of the East held court. My head fairly split from the volume of the
"VIVAT! VIVAT! VIVAT!" cries that followed every award.
After that, there was a four-hour Bardic circle, where a couple of the
m00ses sang songs, or told tales. Eventually they wandered off somewhere to
sleep.
The next day, only a few items of interest happened:
1) Fuzzy and SalmonM00se fenced for a while.
2) SalmonM00se almost shot the King and Queen (Bow & arrow)
3) Goblin_m00se and SalmonM00se took instruction from a knight
named Sir Andrea. They practiced until well after dark.
(Goblin_m00se looks extremely sexy when she swings a sword.)
After that, they went back to the modern world, stopping at a supermarket
without changing their clothes. This elicited many stares. None of them cared.
As I left the house, Wats0n chanced upon a small bag of herbs that I had
bought while in the Middle Ages. He looked into it, and said, "Holmes,
whatever could you be doing with this?
I replied, "Elementary, my dear Wats0n... I'm biding my thyme!"
- copied from M00selock's files by
SalmonM00se & Vegi-M00se
Postscriptum: A very m00sey thing to do is to watch Black Adder on Public
Television. (Especially Blackadder II.) Watch for the
episode with the turnip thingy. COMING SOON: Goblin_m00se
and Salmon-M00se are thinking of transcribing the scripts
of Blackadder II... Requests may be sent to the following
accounts:
LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (BITNet)
WITHALL@CTSTATEU (BITNet)
Users from off-BITNet domains (such as EDU) may send to:
LEE_JES%CTSTATEU.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU
WITHALL%CTSTATEU.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< Here we have a story typed in and contributed (though not written) by
Valerie. :) whose name doesn't lend itself to anything m00sey. >>
GOING THE M00SE WAY HOME
by Jim Lattimer
(Excerpts selected by myself.)
"M00se is tall, a hill on hoofs and thin stork legs. He has bony
shoulders, long ears, soft eyes, a mobile muzzle, and a beard."
(Gee....I never knew we looked like that...and I
suppose I ought to do something about my beard then....)
"On his way home, m00se sometimes stands beside the county road to watch
for license plates, though he does not know how to read. Once he saw Iowa,
Wisconsin, and Rhode Island; He sees a lot of Minnesotas, because he lives in
Minnesota and sometimes M00sechusetts (his spelling!!!!)"
(Gee....I never knew we were illiterate...yet could read
those license plates!!)
THE M00SE AND THE TROLL
"M00se said simply, "I'm a m00se."
A m00se, thought the troll. Like a *Buffalo*, he thought, feeling
suddenly hungry. The troll came out to look, and there was m00se, a hill on
quiet hoofs, seven feet tall and eleven hundred pounds.
The troll hesitated. He fidgeted, muttering to himself. 'I do not feel
hungry for a m00se,' he said at last."
CHRISTMAS AND THE COWS
or is it
M00semas and the cows
or
ChristM00se and the cows
???????????
"On Christmas morning m00se passed a snowy field along the county road. He
didn't quite pass. Twelve black and white cows with steaming breath and sad
eyes huddled together close to the fence. The cows stared at m00se, their
breath frosting the fur on their foreheads. M00se stared back at them. One of
the cows flapped its ears. Then another cow flapped its ears. M00se flapped his
ears experimentally, searching for the cows' meaning.
'Hello,' he called to them, but the cows didn't answer. They stood,
steaming and staring, ears flapping, looking very sad.
'Merry Christmas,' M00se called. The cows did not wish M00se a Merry
Christmas.
'Happy Chanukah' he said, though Chanukah was almost two weeks past. The
cows did not answer him."
(Poor,poor m00se.)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< Here is that other, rather brilliant contribution by Salmon M00se and
Goblin_m00se. >>
Transcriber's Note: All of our comments will be enclosed in [brackets].
Recently published in a nameless newspaper of ill repute was the following
Article: [TrashyFacts: More people read the National Enquirer than any other
publication!]
UNDERWATER BL00PING FULLY EXPOSED!
[Fully exposed? That sounds rather RUDE, doesn't it?]
The information contained in this article was found in the safe of the
late Doctor Frood, of the Link0ping Institute in Sweden, after his death.
Doctor Frood was found dead in a locked bathroom, in a tub filled with
chocolate m0usse. Nearby was found a calling-card bearing an odd pyramid, with
the initials S.M.S. printed underneath. Also found in the vicinity were 5,000
crushed kiwifruits. Authorities are baffled, but Inspector LeStr00de of
Scotland Yard insists that the culprits are a terrorist tourist troop from
Taiwan. [If they only knew! Heh heh heh]
THE PRACTICE OF UNDERWATER BL00PING
By Dr. Vroomfondel Frood
What is Underwater Bl00ping? The Art of Underwater Bl00ping was
discovered in the quaint little village of Farmington, Connecticut, in the
United States of America. This practice, shunned by most Americans, is a
secret rite practiced by an underground organization, of which this researcher
has found extremely little information.
In point of fact, the practice is not only shunned by most individuals, it
is relatively UNKNOWN - a fact which points to the conclusion that this secret
society is a mind-bogglingly large organization filled with the most devious
individuals, all bred to superhuman abilities.
It is these abilities which make underwater bl00ping possible - but these
powers are not visible to the normal eye. Never have I encountered any sort of
signal whereby the members of this society may make themselves known to each
other - but nevertheless, apparently THEY can tell the difference between a
normal human being and one of their own terrible kind.
In my researches at the Miskatonic University, located in Massachusetts, I
found amongst the fragmentary Pnakotic Manuscripts a reference to this
practice, mentioned in conjunction with, of all animals, the moose. The passage
reads as follows:
ORIGINAL PNAKOTIC TEXT TRANSLATION
Ichi ya fernandop00, Of the great god Fernando Poo,
Zum bagel lox The skalds of old wisely refrain
et kreemcheese t00. to sing.
Khargle alkazeltsur ickkity-ack, For if they do, their stomachs
Pleah, mitzvah barbell distend and they do fart
destroyeth plaque. violently unto their deaths.
Yippi-kiy-yiy-burgerking Nevertheless, there (are) those
Barbi-queued twinkies whose whispers He will suffer,
hys praysez sing. those of the dark Underground.
Yoo luk mahvelous, In their secret rites, that
zi lectroids bl00p, Bl00ping which they do,
Io Grand M00se P00bah The Grand P00bah M00se presides
Leviam00se goeth plaid. and they all went home for tea.
As the reader can plainly see, this passage hints at even darker
possibilities, more terrible than even the original translator of the Pnakotic
Manusctipts, L. Howard Phillips, had guessed.
For the signs of these rites can still be seen today! This Bl00ping is
carried out even as I write! Around the nation, and perhaps even the world,
people congregate and perform these dark rituals! And what of the moose? Where
do they fit in? And yet, the common person on the street knows naught of this
matter. This researcher walked up to 97 people and pronounced the secret word
"Bl00p". Ninety-six people showed no useful reaction. The ninety-seventh, a
policeman, arrested the researcher. Perhaps even the police have been
infiltrated? It cannot be said at this time.
The President of the United States of America, when asked if he had any
knowledge of this matter, replied: "Well... as President of this great nation,
I can assure you that lima beans and Twinkies continue to be this country's
greatest resource. If it were not for our country, our nation would not be
where it is today."
Although these Bl00pers are clever, there are some methods of detecting
their actions. The following paragraphs record actual eyewitness accounts of
chance discoveries of the rituals:
LANSING, NEW YORK: It was horrible! I was standing in the
supermarket check-out line, buying food to bring back to my
camper, when two women bl00ped at me! I declare! It frightened
me so much that I dropped my eggs right on little Bobbi-Jo!
SOMEWHERE, MASSACHUSETTS: Verily, I tell thee, 'twas not more
than twelve feet away from me! I could not believe mine own ears!
An entire throng of people shouted, "BL00P"! Sixteen tents then
collapsed!
GNOME, ALASKA: I was walking along, worried about my new lipo-
suctioned nose, wondering if I looked as dashing as Sean Penn,
like the doctor said I did, when a whole lodge of them, dressed as
tourists, Bl00ped! The ice cracked, and I fell into the water.
My nose got so cold that it swelled back up to its original size!
I was crushed! Hey, are you herring what I say?
Further documents reveal that Underwater Blooping are generally held in
reservoirs. It is with this practice that the members of this secret society
find their greatest...
(We are sorry to announce that this work was not completed due to the
untimely death of its author. Dr. Vroomfondel Frood was found in his bathtub,
pummeled to death by 5,000 kiwifruits. The Swedish Coroner's office has marked
his death as "Due to Natural Causes".)
- Transcribed by
SalmonM00se & Goblin_m00se
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<< From Salmon M00se. >>
Q. How many M00ses does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They'd prefer to keep people in the dark.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will follow the issue.
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\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #21| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | Feb. 9, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** TABLE OF CONTENTS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<Sheesh.... ask for submissions, and that's what ya get! Normally, our issues
won't run this long... Since this is 17 pages, you might wanna print it out
instead of reading it at your terminal... Sorry! 8*) >
FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Salutations & bl00p one and all!
Well, as it's our first issue (Yowzah!) and we is not known by all
soooo... a simple introduction would be in order. Hmmm, how does this
"intro" stuff work... Oh yeah!
-Goblin/(hobgoblin)
(aka Lisa Withall)
(scaka Morgana of York)
-SalmonM00se
(aka Jeff lee)
(scaka Godfrey de Shipbrook)
We are pleased to take over while his August Antlership, Pickle, is on
Sabbatical...
And now, a little about ourselves, to those of you who don't yet know
us...
Goblin: I am an ongoing student of the great belief that somewhere lives
the home of a great tribe of beings responsible for all the homework
assignments that were never handed in. The reason for life? Well that Lima
Beans may be purged from the Universe. Political views? Well Bill the Cat is
the only candidate for any office. Religion? I worship Hostess Twinkies.
Life form? Half human, half Goblin... Status? Alive I think...
SalmonM00se: hmmmm... Well, if you all don't know me from the annoying
messages I keep sending... Anyway. Mundane life is pretty boring, having
just changed majors from Music Ed to Computer Science. Most of my free
time is taken up by the SCA. (Goblin is berating me for being serious,
so now for something *completely* different.) Favourite Saying: "Do not
meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your
computer." Political views: As long as the elections in the USA are run
as mudslinging popularity contests, I hold truck with no party. Oops,
I guess that's serious. So: Religious Views: See the Hitchhiker's Guide
to the Galaxy, under the entry "Theories, Universe, Creation of".
Life Form: yes. Sex: yes. Hair: yes. Eyes: two. Creation Date: 11/4/66
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
According to our sources, *nothing* officially happened recently. (Apart from
the change in M00se Droppings editorship, which you know about anyway.)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The earth has rotated approximately once in the last twenty-four hours.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From Alacrity...
Newsflash: m00se reports sighting of rare and elusive Scamp
Good evening ladies and gentleman, Tom M00seaw here for NBC nightly
news. Rumor has it that a m00se by the name of CHAOS Engineer saw, much
to his shock and surprise, the a rare and elusive Scamp logged on to the
node Sunrise. It is reputed that Scamp was reading her mail. These rumors
have not yet been corroborated, but momentarily we expect to hear from our
roving correspondent Roger M00se, who is with Mr. Engineer. Roger-
Thanks Tom. I'm here on the Siberacuse University Campus with a
Mr. CHAOS Engineer, who claims to have seen Scamp logged on. Mr. Engineer,
would you care to comment on this claim?
Duh, sure. I, uh, think it was her, but I uh, don't really know.
It's been so long ya know. Could'ah been RATANTS mebbe, but I think it
was RETANTS, but like I say, can't be sure...
Well, there you have it Tom.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
According to our sources, the Mega-Thr0ng-A-Thon will occur at the next
planetary conjunction. M00ses wishing otherwise should elect a MTaT
co-ordinator in their area. The co-ordinators will then be able to discuss
the MTaT with each other. Other suggestions are welcome as well.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now, the long-awaited Part IV to SuperM00se! (If you want the other
parts, or in fact any earlier issue of M00se Droppings, send a message to
me at LEE_JES@CTSTATEU.)
***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-***
--- ---------- -- ----- -----
Greetings Superm00se fans. Please note that following is episode
four of the adventures of Superm00se. I apologize for the long interval
between this installment and the last, but my life as a student (GAH!!) did
not allow me time to be creative (Engineering dulls the brain) and as such
I am limited by my infrequent spurts of particular mental insanity which allow
me to produce such material. I hope that there will be more episodes on a
regular basis, but I cannot guarantee them. Enjoy....
CHAOS Engineer aka
Expletive Deleted,
the Left hand man of a monarch of no great import
Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs
being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations
acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading
these episodes are not the responsibility of the author.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
A gentle breeze wafted through the trees, carrying the fresh pine
scent with it. The foot steps of the lone figure were punctuated only by the
quiet crunching of the carpet dead needles. Cresting the hill, the forest
ended and gave way to a small clearing over looking a valley. The rush
of a spring river could be heard below.
"Ahhh...." sighed Mark to himself as he sat down. "So good to
get home for a week and enjoy the mountains." Mark unslung a large back
pack he was wea-
We interrupt this Idyllic Interlude to bring you an
important news flash. Earlier today the Velveeta
Vermin perpetrated the robbery of the First
National Bank of Gothopolis, and made good his
escape with five million dollars. The Vermin was
assisted by his gang, the Processed Cheese Food
Irregulars. If you sight these villains, you are
advised to call the police at once then hide any
and all crackers you have in your house for their
own protection. We now return you to your
previously scheduled piece of peace. Thank You.
Mark stood up bolt straight, and stared out at the sun, unfocusing
his eyes until he saw a bespectacled, blonde-haired man in desperate need
of a shave hunkered over a VT240 terminal.
"Hey, you can't do this! You promised me a vacation!"
The blonde-haired man smiles, and types "I lied."
"You still can't do this. I'll call the sysadmins and get them
to lock your account. What'll you do then, smart guy?"
The blonde-haired man smiles even wider. "You'll do no such thing.
I'll take away your disk space. What'll YOU do then, smart guy?"
"Ok, ok... A working vacation, all right? But you gotta promise,
I'm back here at the end of this adventure."
The head nods, and unseen by Mark, has his left hand under the table
with the fingers crossed.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Mark walked in and tossed his trench coat onto the back of the chair,
negligently dropped his brief case next to it and made a bee line for Cherri
Redding's office. A rap on the door was followed soon by a 'come in', and
Mark entered the office and closed the door behind him.
"Mark, good to see you. Sorry I had to cut your vacation short,
but Lou is on assignment in Hawaii (Hawaii!, thought Mark) and I need a top
notch reporter on this bank robbery thing, sooo....." Cherri smiled, and
spoke pleasantly, but remorseful undertones snuck in.
"Sure, no problem. It's not like I was doing anything important."
Mark half grumbled, half mumbled in reply.
"I'm really sorry Mark. I promise I'll make it up to you." Cherri
stood up, and walked over behind Mark, put both her hands on the sides of
his face, tipped his head back, and kissed him lightly on the forehead,
then walked out of the room. Mark sat a moment, sighed, then got up and
left Cherri's office and went back to his desk to get started on the story.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
The small windowless room is brightly lit, the sparse but opulent
furnishings covered with a yellow gooey substance. There is a large poster of
a Holstein wearing sunglasses on one of the walls. The steel door is closed,
but the last person out forgot to turn off the radio. A fly buzzes about,
flitting from chair to chair, examining the mess as only a fly can. The
muffled sound of voices precedes the door being flung open violently. In
strides a man sized being, all dressed in yellow with a white oval on his chest
that is embossed with a stylized dark blue 'V'. His features are obscured by
something yellowish. He is the Velveeta Vermin (quick, hide the crackers!).
Following him are four yellow oozing blobs, vaguely humanoid in shape, but only
vaguely. They are The Processed Cheese Food Irregulars, the Vermin's cronies
and partners in crime.
"Duh, gee boss, dat wuz great. Whadder we goin ta do wid all dis
loot?"
"Shut up!" snapped the Vermin. "I'm thinking"
"Ooooooh Boss. I think zat ve should go to Rio. I've always wanted to
go to Rio" whined one of the blobs in a nasal twang reminiscent of Peter
Lorre.
"All of you shut up! Just shut up! The bank robbery was a lure for
Superm00se! I'll lure him here then kill him! Yes, I will!" The Vermin's
voice had the hard edge of a maniac on the verge of a break down.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
A short, compact man stood on the corner of 5th and Main, two blocks
down from the First National Bank of Gothopolis, covered in a yellow goo, his
once recognizable brown and orange costume now almost totally obscured.
A steady stream of obscenities issued from his mouth, punctuated every so often
with the phrase 'need a brewski'. The man walks down the street a bit further,
arriving at a convenience mart. He enters and a short while later returns to
the street with a six pack of Piels in his hand. One beer is taken from the
pack. A barely audible 'snikt' precedes the top of the can be cleaved off by a
razor-sharp piece of adamantium. The beer ends its brief existence in five
seconds. The empty can is crumpled in hand and dropped to the ground.
The next block up, a late model pink Cadillac El Dorado convertible
is seen to zooming bye by the goo covered man. He emits a LOUD belch. A
screech of tires can be heard. The caddy comes back into view, and turns up
the street coming towards the man, and stops in front of him.
"Urp!"
"Rough day Wolvie?" queries the car's driver, a tall thin man in a
positively hideous polyester leisure suit.
"*Belch*. Rough??? What's it look like bub? I couldn't even cut
this stuff with my claws!" he says, pointing the mess all over himself
The driver whistles softly as his eyebrows attempt a moon shot.
"Well, let's get out of here, but first, we've got to do something
about your clothes. That yellow goo would simply ruin the upholstery."
The driver pulls an odd looking pistol from the glove box.
"What's that?"
"Leisure suit ray. Turns anyone's clothes into a cheap polyester
leisure suit."
"Positively fiendish."
"I know" replies the driver as he points the gun at his gooey
companion and pulls the trigger. He now stands appareled in an off yellow
leisure suit.
"The color is lousy"
"Yeah, I know. That's the one bug I haven't worked out yet."
The yellow suited chap proceeds to get in the car which then zooms
away.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Superm00se sat on the veranda breathing heavily, covered in a thick
heavy yellow goo, having narrowly escaped death at the clutches of the evil
and vile Velveeta Vermin. The Vermin was now at Superm00se's feet, securely
bundled up in tin foil.
"Hey, wait a minute, you can't do this! This is supposed to be a cliff
hanger serial. You can't do this!"
The author smiles again, not in need of a shave as much as before, but
still sporting a few days growth. He types
"You still don't understand, do you silly m00se? I'm the author, I can
do ANYTHING I want to you. I'm the AUTHOR!"
"That doesn't matter! You started out with the concept of a cliff
hanger serial. You must remain within the pre-established boundaries you
yourself set."
"No I don't. I may do whatever I wish. You are subject to my every
whim. Period, end of discussion."
The seated figure then proceeds to execute a <CTRL-Z> and exits the
editor and prepares to hit the spell checker.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Stay tuned for the next installment when a Plot Continuity Restoration
Device (NOOO!!!! not a Plot Continuity Restoration Device) will be implemented.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Prophecies of Nostradam00se
by Anonym00se
Recently, the need arose for me to travel to Spain to research a
paper on the horse of Don Quixote. One day, while I was researching in
the Alfonso el Sabio library at the University of Numancia, I rose to get
a glass of water, but tripped over the table leg, and crashed into a shelf
full of biographies of Pablo Picasso. When I came to, I saw that the bookcase
had been slightly moved to expose a secret door.
I managed to gain entrance. Using my trusty flashlight, I made
out stacks and stacks of old (I mean OLD) books. On top was a thick manuscript
bound in red leather and tied up with a black ribbon. Beneath the ribbon
was a note: "A Padre Sanchez, de Torquemada. Quemalo inmediatamente!" (To
Father Sanchez from Torquemada. Burn this immediately!) Burning with
curiosity (as I would certainly have been if Torquemada was still around),
I slit the ribbon and opened the book. After reading the first few pages,
I realized I was reading a set of profound predictions about the world.
I managed to find some notes on the book in Torquemada's hand.
Apparently, the versified predictions were written by a monk of the order
of Luis Obispo named Nostradam00se. He lived in the mid 1400's in Andorra.
However, one of the monks of his small abbey (which took up most of the
acreage of Andorra at the time) got jealous of his prophetic power and mailed
a copy of the verses to Torquemada. Torquemada skimmed the work and
immediately ordered Padre Nostradam00se barbequed. Luckily, his work escaped
the bonfire.
I returned to the States with the book and translated the verses into
English, trying desperately to keep rhyme and meter (not always succeeding).
After translating the 13042 quatrains, I submitted them to scholars of medieval
prophecy and verse at M00sekatonic University in the Boston area and the head
of the m00sic department at the University of Southern North Dakota at H00ple,
who is trained in interpreting obscure verse. While these scholars have not
yet managed to interpret these verses, they have determined that the following
four quatrains refer to 1989. They have promised to give me a report as soon
as I have it, which I shall in turn pass on to the M00se Droppings.
1. The greatest of cats shall prowl in the street,
Awaiting the turns of the trump.
The road of the walls show kneel at his feet,
And give him a great, golden lump.
2. Out of the barrels cucumbers shall leap,
And into the sea shall be tossed.
A quiver of arrows up river shall creep,
As books of the numbers are lost.
3. The son of physician alone shall now ride,
On journeys unto a far place.
But soon the vacuum the boy shall abide,
For cursed is the sight of his face.
4. The year of the Penguin shall bring a great day,
That only the Lion shall know.
The sea and the sun and the moon far away
Shall bury the grass beneath snow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<This piece was sent over with no indication of who actually submitted it.
Sorry, whoever submitted it. We're conf00sed....>
From: V067PXNR@UBVMSD
Description: Mahn-mahn-ha-ha-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAN!
YOFLAN debarkal syngrog de fwatz encromber, ambreg mo wolna frenkel.
Dohume fra crabble hone, buhn secim los mynka. Grokle mon bubis honkoge??
Pukef jelk pamble hoggen!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
DON'T YOU GET IT?!
PUKEF JELK P A M B L E HOGGEN!!!!!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ha - snif-ha ha- snif- chuckle-ha--
PAMBLE HOGGEN!!!!!! OH, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Y E A.
YOW-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From Goblin: (Funny how things turn out... When I sent this in to Pickle,
I had no idea I'd be putting it in myself!)
A GENETIC ODE
(or A Melan Coli Tale)
I used to be a coli, as wild as wild could be.
They called me Photo Trophic, whatever that would be.
They kept me pure and simple and completely free from faults
And fed me on the simplest food...glucose and common salts.
Then Lederberg and Tatum came and put me in the sun
And watched me very closely to see what harm they'd done.
Although they hadn't killed me, they had really hurt my pride
And though I looked quite normal I was quite upset inside.
Next day they tried to feed me with my normal sort of food
But they found I couldn't use it in the way I always could.
Glucose I could metabolize-in that I was proficient.
But in synthesizing valine they soon found I was deficient.
They couldn't find their valine so they went to biotin
And till they thought just what to do they kept me dietin'.
Then foresight and discernment made this lecturer and Prof.
Enrich my food with Oxa cube and call me Oxo Troph.
They called another doctor and they all discussed my case.
And decided that my DNA must have displaced a base.
They all seemed quite excited and I heard Doc Tatum say,
Another dose of sunshine might upset more DNA.
They gave me 80 seconds of the brightest light I'd seen,
And I knew a UV photon had displaced another gene.
I remember seeing Lederberg- eyes gleaming through his specs
Excitedly tell Tatum that I'd now acquired a sex.
Then Lederberg asked Tatum if he could foretell my fate
And Tatum thought my only hope was to acquire a mate.
So they gave me you, dear Effplus, knowing you alone could right
The little bits of DNA that suffered in that light.
There's just two things I ask you if you really care for me
One little gene for valine- one for fertility.
Your genotype's just perfect to revitalize my strain
And I know you will co-operate to make me wild again.
Be warned O Human Beings by this melan coli ode
You who think you are so clever cracking our genetic code.
There's a moral in this story- I will tell you what it means:
IF YOU STRIP TOO MUCH TO SUNBATHE,
YOU MAY LOSE A PAIR OF JEANS.
The above poem was obtained from the Dept. of Bacteriology, Univ. of Wisconsin.
(of course without their permission..)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<This one's from the Martins at Wesleyan....>
From the N.Y. Times, w/o permission:
The annual Spring Comdex computer show in Atlanta earlier this month
meant a booming business for the Bulletstop, an indoor firing range in
suburban Marietta where customers can rent firearms and bullets to
shoot anything they please, as long as it is already dead and fits
through the doors. The Bulletstop gave Comdex visitors a chance to
vent their frustrations by venting PC's, printers, hard disks,
monitors and manuals with lead.
Paul LaVista, the owner, said about 10 groups of high-tech types came
in during the Comdex show. "I'm not a computer whiz, but one group
brought in what looked like a hard disk and blasted it," he said.
"Another bunch brought in some kind of technical manual. The thing was
enormous, about 2,000 pages. They rented three machine guns -- an Uzi,
an M3 grease gun and a Thompson -- and when they were done it looked
like confetti."
"It must have been quite a show," LaVista said of Comdex. "Doctors
and computer types usually have a lot of pent-up anxiety, but these
folks were dragging when they came in. When they left they were really
up. The range looked like a computer service center after a tornado."
LaVista said PC's were popular targets year-round. "People are
frustrated with them," he said. A year ago seven or eight men carried
in a giant old Hewlett-Packard printer. "I ran an extension cord to
it, and just as it started to whirr and spit out paper, they blasted
it," he said.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
****************** SERIOUS STUFF (This won't happen often) *********************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<A survey from Heresiarch, who would be most grateful if you could fill this
out and send it to the address mentioned within the text.>
note: this survey is primarily interested in computing privileges
for all users. for instance, if you are a comp sci major with the keys to the
sun ring or a chem major with your own vax, your answers won't be as useful as
if you were joe student, english major, with a cramped account on the academic
mainframe. thanks for your help. i owe you lots of backrubs. collect them
the next time you're in middletown, ct. especially if you're cute and male.
bl00p.
==============================================================================
This is a survey of the rights and privileges of users at various schools
across the country. Please fill it out, and send it to
RFREUNDLICH%EAGLE.WESLEYAN.EDU@WESLEYAN.BITNET
(or RFREUNDLICH@WESLEYAN.BITNET, if you don't like to type a lot)
(or just RFREUNDLICH@EAGLE.WESLEYAN.EDU, if you're on internet)
If you know a user at another school who would be interested in taking part in
the survey, please forward him or her a copy. The more people get this, the
better the results will be.
Here goes:
What is your name (real life, not username)?
What is your username?
What is your Internet (Arpanet) address?
What is your Bitnet address?
Do you want a list of compiled results?
What school are you from?
What kind of system is your mainframe (hardware and OS)?
Please put an X in the appropriate column:
U=Undergrads
G=Grad Students
F=Faculty
S=Staff
A=Administration
C=Computing Center Staff
W=Students who work for the Computing Center
O=Members of the local community
U G F S A C W O
1)Who can use the system at your school? .....................
2)Who has to pay for use of the system (if anyone)?...........
3)Who has network privileges (ie telnet, FTP, etc)?..........
4)Who has access to a draft printer? .........................
5)Who must pay for such access?...............................
6)Who has access to a letter-quality printer?.................
7)Who must pay for such access?...............................
8)Who has access to a laser printer?..........................
9)Who must pay for such access?...............................
10)Who has access to permanent storage (ie tapes)?............
11)Who must pay for such access (per use, or initially)?......
12)Who is allowed to word-process small documents, for
example a small paper, on the mainframe?..................
13)Who is allowed to word-process large documents, for
example a term paper, thesis, or journal article,
on the mainframe?.........................................
Answer Yes or No:
1)Can you set up a file in your account so that other users can
access it?.....................................................
2)Is TALK supported on your mainframe?............................
3)Is PHONE supported on your mainframe?...........................
4)Can you interactively send messages to users on other systems?..
Give the requested information:
1)What mail system does your school use?
2)If a user is suspected of violating Computing Center policies, is s/he
innocent until proven guilty or guilty until proven innocent? Or something
else, and if so what? For example:
At AnySchool, users have access to a work area called SCRATCH. All files
in SCRATCH are deleted several times every day, except for those belonging
to users who are currently logged in. Thus a student can work in SCRATCH,
which has lots of space, and then when finished, copy everything to
his/her own directory. JSMITH has been working in SCRATCH, and
accidentally leaves him/herself logged in, thus preventing his/her files
in SCRATCH from being deleted.
Big Brother (someone from the CC) sees this, and thinks JSMITH might have
done this intentionally to effectively gain more disk space. If your
school were AnySchool, would Big Brother
a) Call JSMITH up on the carpet, yell at him/her, make threats about
revoking privileges
b) Give JSMITH the benefit of the doubt and assume the transgression was
accidental
c) Do something else, and if so, what?
3)If a user is suspected of a violation, will s/he be notified before any
action is taken against him/her? Or will s/he not know it until, say s/he
tries to log in and isn't allowed to? Or will there be some other action,
and if so, what?
4)How are questions from users about the system treated? For example, if a
user wanted to know the meat of how something worked, and asked a CC
administrator, would s/he get
a) acknowledgment of the question but "polite" refusal to answer it
b) acknowledgment of the question, but "I can't answer that, and
here's why"
c) acknowledgment, and "I can't tell you but here's who can"
d) acknowledgment, and "OK, i don't want to tell you but you have the
right to know, so here it is"
e) acknowledgment, and "WOW, I'm glad you asked that! Here's how to
do it and let me know if you need any more help!"
f) total lack of acknowledgment of the question
g) "please stop annoying me, you stupid user"
h) kicked off the system
i) total lack of acknowledgment, and the item in question disappears from
public use (ie "wow, could users actually *do* that? how'd we let that
happen? better take it away")
j) some other response (specify)
5)What about suggestions from users? "Hey, it'd be neat if we could ..."
Anything else you'd like to so about your system? ie neat things you can do;
really neat things you'd like, but don't have; etc.
In case you're wondering, here's why I'm doing this. The Wesleyan Computing
Center Administration is horrible. I am writing this in one of the most
user-hostile environments I have ever seen or heard of. The incidents
mentioned as examples have actually happened here. The SCRATCH student was
yelled at and threatened before given a chance to explain (even before he
realized what he had supposedly done!).
A student suspected of a violation (one which had occurred 2 months earlier)
graduated, and, expecting an alum account, tried to log in. She was denied the
account, without notification. Students hearing only her side of the story
were outraged. When an administrator finally had the chance to present the
other side of the story, it conflicted with hers. We tried for several weeks
to arrange a meeting where both sides could air their opinions and state what
they thought had happened (and been said). The administrator waffled for
awhile, pontificating the whole time about how he wanted good relations
between the WCC and students, then turned down the meeting. She still doesn't
have her account.
When we upgraded to VMS 5.0-1, Digital sent TALK along with it. TALK, if you
don't know, allows users on different systems (or the same system) to
interactively communicate. A week later a student sent a question to the
sysmanager about TALK. The next day TALK was completely gone from the system.
No help file, no EXE file, no reply from the sysmanager, no nothing.
I could go on, but I think you're getting the point. Our complaints are not
going to change anything unless we can shove data under their noses that says
"Look, you morons, here's how it happens *everywhere* else!" Even then, it may
not work, but it's worth a shot.
Like I said earlier, the more data we have, the more accurate the results will
be. So please, please, please fill this in, and also forward it to anyone you
know anywhere else who'd be interested in helping. I'd like to compile the
results during our Spring Break (2nd week of March), so if you can get your
answers to me before then, it'd be really helpful. Also, if you've got any
ideas, hints, suggestions on how to deal with idiocy, or if you've got similar
problems you'd like to air, send 'em to me (separately from the survey. it'll
make my life easier). Thanks a lot.
\,,/,
' Rob
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* ASK THE ORACLE *********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This new column has been submitted by Hal Eisen. Unfortunately, the sheer
volume of his sending has made it necessary for us to only include a FEW
of his best. If you have any similar examples of ORACLE's output, send them
to him at <INS_AHJE@JHUVMS>.
Where, oh where has my little dog gone?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
He probably fell through a trap door.
er--this *was* a Hack question, wasn't it?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Wouldn't you rather be mating?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Mating? MATING? I realize that this is Hopkins, and that not only
are people clinical science-types, but that they are also desperate
for decent members of the opposite sex, BUT STILL could you at least
make it sound as though you're not talking about putting two research
subject rats in a box with a Dire Straits record on and letting them
go at it?
That said... so, come here often? What's your sign?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Give the 5 best reasons for NOT going to class...
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
1) I'd rather sleep
2) I'd rather sleep
3) there is NO reason #3
4) The professor spits too much
5) The phone is ringing
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What's the 47th word in Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the
Galaxy?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Now let me think, I read that book just before my third 'gargleblaster.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
it's stream of consciousness time: I'll say a phrase, you type the
first thoughts to come to mind. Here goes...
President Quayle
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
^Z
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Is suspense dead?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
I'll tell you tomorrow...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What good is the skink?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Thke skink iks verky gookd ifk kyou like to waskh dishkes in itk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
****************************** MEET THE M00SES *********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The SHORT form of Pickle's ID file:
^
Mm/ \mM
/ O \
/ \_/ \
/_______\
THE OFFICIAL BILL DICKSON CHAPTER OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI OFFICIAL ID CARD
NAME: William R. Dickson (Bill, Bill the Cat, Pickle, Moon Roach)
SPECIES: White American male. PURITY QUOTIENT: 79.4%
DESCENT: Scottish, Irish, teensy bit of Italian, Lots of other stuff.
DIMENSIONS: 5' 11 3/4" (Never did quite make it) by 145 lbs.
DESCRIPTION: Average height. Average build. Blue eyes. Hair appears to
fluctuate between normal brown and slightly red. Glasses, vision
20/30. Hair medium length. Braces for the next 11 months.
AGE: 20. BIRTHDATE: February 11, 1968. RELIGION: Devout agnostic.
MAJOR: English, concentration in writing. Political science minor.
EMAIL ADDRESS: Dickson@Hartford
FAVORITE QUOTE: "I had no shoes, and I pitied myself. Then I met a man
had no feet, so I took his shoes."
-Dave Barry
FAVORITE ANIMALS: Cats. LEAST FAVORITE ANIMALS: Twelve-foot piranha bees.
ACTIVITIES: Whitewater canoeing (solo, in an open slalom boat); theatre;
playing with my computer; roleplaying and semi-roleplaying games;
models; flying kites; reading.
THINGS I FIND TRULY LOATHSOME: Young children.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
AN INTERVIEW WITH PICKLE
M00SE DROPPINGS: Good morning.
PICKLE: It's 1:30 in the afternoon.
MD: What prompted you to start the "M00se Illuminati"?
P: Well, though he and most other people who were around at the time deny it,
I'm pretty sure it was Dave Tarr. There are rumors that I am a clone of
Dave Tarr. So maybe I prompted myself. But I'm not sure.
MD: Why "M00SES"?
P: Because Chris Phillips liked m00ses. I think he's switched his preference
to armadillos recently, but it was m00ses back in '84. What Dave Tarr
actually did (though he denies it) was to suggest a merger between
Chris's fascination with m00ses and my fascination with secret societies,
which had developed after I read _Illuminatus!_. I think he was trying
to consolidate the madness a bit.
MD: Who ARE the M00ses, exactly?
P: Well, we all are. We are all m00ses. And I am one of your founders.
MD: Excuse us if this is a *personal* question, but why the name "Pickle"?
P: It's not phallic. Sorry to disappoint you. It actually comes from the
time many years ago when several of my friends accidentally called me
"Dill Bickson". It became Dill Pickle, then eventually was shortened to
Pickle.
MD: I see. Has being a M00se changed your lifestyle any?
P: Well, I'm not allowed on many forms of public transport, and I have to
wash myself in a rather special way. On the other hand, many major
governments fear me, and sometimes pay me huge sums for pieces of
information that the Secret M00se Service has picked up here and there.
MD: What do your friends and close relatives think of your involvement
in this organization?
P: Well, most of them are in the organization themselves. Those that aren't
tend not to believe in it.
MD: What does the FBI think of your activities?
P: Well, they're terrified, of course. They keep agents around me twenty-
four hours a day, disguised as college dorm-mates, professors, little
lead Call of Cthulhu figures, squirrels, and sadistic Public Safety
officers. I think the cleaning woman is the head agent, though. She
goes through my garbage looking for documents.
MD: If you could describe yourself in one word, what would it be?
P: Blue.
MD: Interesting. Why did you choose that particular word?
P: Well, you didn't give me much time, you know....
MD: Has there been any history of insanity in your family? 8)
P: Oh, yeah, I think so. Lots of my relatives are nuts. Least, I think so.
MD: What do you think about the recent data showing that Hostess Twinkies have
a shelf-life of over 50 years?
P: Oh, I believe it. I don't think they've made a Hostess Twinkie in forty-
five years. Think of the efficiency. Churn out 800 million Twinkies
every fifty years, then fire everybody but your marketing and
distribution people.
MD: Have you ever had any "out-of-body" experiences?
P: What are you doing after the interview?
MD: Have you ever had any "out-of-mind" experiences?
P: What ARE you doing after the interview?
MD: Pickle. Who *is* the REAL Pickle? What's he REALLY like?
P: Well, unless I *am* a clone, you're looking at him. I FEEL real...
MD: If you could sum up your lunch in one word, what would it be?
P: Really horrible.
MD: Oh, I see ARA services your university...
P: Let's change the subject, okay?
MD: Is there anything you *really* want to say to all the M00ses out there?
P: Yes. English majors are the personification of intelligence. Scopin' out
the ghost. "Pulled away" refers to the knee of a man who is suspicious
or tired.
MD: Thank you for your time.
P: Hey, that recorder isn't actually on, is it?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THE REVISED M00SE ILLUMINATI SHORT-FORM ID FILE
<Since we've received a few ID's which have been rather voluminous, we've
decided to send this out again (with an addition made by Pickle). If you
want your ID printed in one of the following issues of M00se Droppings,
please fill this form out and send it to WITHALL@CTSTATEU. To those of
you who *have* filled one out and sent it to us: we're kind of out of space
in this issue, so we'll print yours starting with Issue number 22.>
FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD
The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form
Chapter Name: ____________________________________________________
Nickname(s): ____________________________________________________
Life Form: ____________________________________________________
Sex: Male ___ Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___
Net Address: ________@________ Purity Quotient: _______%
Description: ____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
Favourite Saying: ____________________________________________________
Other Stuff: ____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ADD:
Buffalo Thr0ng V109MEN5 @ UBVMS 0.Dm00se
DELETE:
U of Vermont Chapter DZUCKER @ UVMVM dzucker
For those of you who may no longer have the full M00se List, a fresh new
copy will be sent out in the next issue.
PLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNW
magazines/M00SE/m00se22
+754
View File
@@ -0,0 +1,754 @@
_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #22| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | Mar. 2, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
===============================================================================
The Index
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS An Editorial.
EVENTS AND NEWS Various & sundry items of [dis]interest
FICTION AND POETRY Romance, Quantum Cat's ID, The Lemon
M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE Love is Hell
ASK THE ORACLE More Answers to Life, the Universe, & Spam
MEET THE M00SES Alacrity, SalmonM00se
M00SE LIST UPDATE The complete list...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Nice computers don't go down!"
Greetings All & Bl00p to Ya!
Well another (how many?) rotations of the Earth, and M00se Droppings
did not get out as planned. :( The reason for this, to be honest, is lack
of submissions. We need lots of submissions to have this on-going madness
continue... So please, send send SEND submissions...(droool, wimper, beg..)
Enough of that. Our very first issue came out and we were quite pleased
with it. We hope you were all as pleased. :*) We included page headers for
those who like to print MD out, but due to incompatibilities amongst host
machines, this didn't work out as planned. Oh well... we tried.
About the Mega-Thr0ng-A-Th0n, we still would like input: suggestions,
scribblings, mad ravings, whatever... The idea still sounds like a good
one to us (Pickle, SalmonM00se and Goblin). We will try and help things along
by making suggestions or guest appearances (hint hint...*grin*).
We've still included an index, but without page numbers it'll be a little
harder to find things. (Hmmm, we could always do it by line number...) 8)
Goblin & SalmonM00se
Just A short note: Please, PLEASE include your name/nick with Submissions.
We WANT to give you credit for yer submissions!
Goblin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
According to our sources, *nothing* officially happened recently. The well-
known (or not-so-well-known) publication, _The_National_Enquirer_, is really
subsidized by Reaganomics.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
According to the #@%^! woodchuck, the USA will be having a longer winter than
Canada... (A Bavarian plot?)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Anyone owning a Macintosh: Have you seen the "Talking M00se" Desk Accessory?
It is VERY am00sing. If you're inactive for a specified time, the M00se
will pop up and say something irreverent to you. It is also possible to
add phrases (such as Bl00p) to its vocabulary. For info, ask LEE_JES@CTSTATEU.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
According to our sources, the Mega-Thr0ng-A-Thon will occur at the next
planetary conjunction. M00ses wishing otherwise should elect a MTaT
co-ordinator in their area. The co-ordinators will then be able to discuss
the MT-a-T with each other. Other suggestions are welcome as well.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spaceman Biff ....
Yo, hey, hey!
Thanks for all the help rendered on the subject of mollusks and,
in particular, scallops (oooh). I now feel much more secure in accepting
them as valid critters in their own right, but I'm not sure I'd want one
to marry my daughter. If I had a daughter, that is. Anyway, that's not
what I'm writing about tonight. I'd like to address a matter closer to
the heart of much of the human population.
Several years ago a friend of mine and I were discussing what it
is that causes some men to be attracted to certain women, while others
were not, and we worked out some of the mechanics thereof. While the
treatment may seem involved, there are actually several easily
understood fundamentals that m00ses might find of interest.
Basically, despite outward appearances, men are discrete when it
comes to romantic attractions. It is only on the macroscopic level that
they appear indiscrete.
To treat the problem correctly, it is instructive to consider each
man an operator. Then it follows that each of these operators has a set of
women, his eigenwomen, if you will, upon which the operator operates, returning
the same woman, times a constant. Note that men must be hermitian, as these
constants are never complex.
Then, it may be said that every woman to which this operator is
attracted may be represented as a linear combination of his eigenwomen.
"Smoothness" is that quality of having a basis set of eigenwomen that
spans all possible women (the dimension of which set may possibly be
infinite), or to put it more succinctly, such a man is a "smooth
operator." That some peanut butter appeals to all humans serves as an
example; everyone likes smooth peanut butter, but only some people like
chunky. (What are those chunks made out of, anyway?)
Other quantized values, for example, charm, beauty, and
strangeness, have but minor importance, but then, we all have our little
quarks.
I hope that I have shed some light on a topic which causes no
end of confusion to the human populace. I recognize that I will most
probably get a good deal of heat for having couched this entirely from a
makAle standpoint, and in my own defense I should like to say that an
analogous system exists for women and their respective, if not
respectable, eigenmen. However, despite concerted efforts to discover
the nature thereof, I have failed to discern the logic of this
sister system. Perhaps other m00ses might take up here, where I
must leave off.
Fondly,
--Spaceman Biff!!!!!!!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Here's the latest from QuantumCat the Quintessential (Bl00p!) :
(We liked the ID so much we decided to print it all..)
------====== Quantum Cat ID V2.0.1 ======------
<ST5616@SIUCVMB>
Of candle, book, the bell that rings,
Of time and tide and other things
The Teacher and Creator sings
In darkest night of Earth's new age
Call Him forth to show the way
Through woods where traps the shadows lay
And lead us safely into day
And through the gate to Earth's new age...
I'm a cat of many names
Quantum, Quoter and others
The cheshire dares to call me mad
Of course he knows his brothers...
Give me but a moment
... yes, one or two, should do
Shall I tell the secret of my trade?
... you really want me to?
Maybe but a little hint---
Acrostics CAN be fun
Can YOU appreciate the joke?
How could anyone?
Music is a wond'rous thing, J.S.Bach to some is God
and I could quite agree
But Gil and Sully take their fling, Mock the first, forget the last...
whatever's left is me
/\ /\
\ \/ / Now take the cross of Andrew
\ / It's the cross of Patrick too
/ \ Add a Thompson to the list
/ /\ \ And there you have me too!
\/ \/
Saluki they call my school's mascot
In all the world, this place I chose
Under the rule of Illinose...
Can Avon Ride Beside Orac? No? Did Abraham Leave Eliza?
I'LL Inspire No Ominous Irish Song
But... APT to some IS This
Still.... The Urgency Does Entail No Time
Consider.. Every New Tenement Entered Remembers
What happened on the Nile.. 0 +
Where Livingston would be found -
Who months had been a-seeking -
When Stanley came around? R -
How did they finally meet? M +
Why did I even write it? -
Should this verse be fed to the sharks? +
'tis not clever, but I'll not spite it. 7 +
Ah, poetry gives the mind repose
or feeds the flames of base desire
Makes us fear the lovely rose
and love the fearful raging fire
Yes, poetry will be forever
Though poets all must pass away
Yet once the pageant of life has ended
The poems remain and recall today
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(Submitted by R0b0p0pe ??)
The Lemon. A soliloquy delivered in the produce section
O Lemon!
You round
(well maybe not round but kinda funny-shaped)
thing
tell me in your simplicity
about life.
O Lemon!
Surely you know about life
about love
about happiness
You sit on the astroturf stuff in the fruit bin
and look wise.
O Lemon!
Surely if I pick you up
and hold you
I can feel wisdom in your funny bumps
and if I hold you
under my nose
I can smell your knowledge
or if I hold you
next to my ear
I can hear the sounds
of the fruit grove
that was once your home.
O Lemon!
Why do you not answer me?
Well.
Perhaps if I taste you
I can gather your understanding through absorption.
O Lemon!
(burp)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This Submission is from Pickle :)
Excerpts from Matt Groening's book _Love_Is_Hell_. The book is a collection of
his cartoons, called "Life In Hell". Highly recommended, especially if you can
get the boxed set, "Box Full Of Hell".
WHAT THE GREAT PHILOSOPHERS HAVE SAID VIS-A-VIS LOVE
"Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell." -- Bertrand Russell
"Love is a perky elf dancing a merry jig and then suddenly he turns on you with
a miniature machine-gun." -- Kierkegaard
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips and
pins you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." -- Nietzsche
Watch out for these early warning signs of love:
1) Bouncy step
2) Goo-goo eyes
3) Babbling
4) Bored friends
Avoid sharing affection with people wearing desperate t-shirts.
"Will you be my friend?"
Forbidden conversation topics in bed:
1) Local elections
2) Septic tanks
3) Chores
4) Your partner's shortcomings ("Did anyone ever tell you you grunt
amusingly when you make love?")
When getting undressed with a new friend for the first time, do not try to
break the tension by gesticulating wildly and making comical throat noises.
"Geeba geeba geeba."
Warning signs your lover is getting bored:
1) Passionless kisses
2) Frequent sighing
3) Moved; left no forwarding address
Advantages of heartbreak:
1) More room in bed
2) Time slows to a crawl
3) Opportunity to get in touch with your weeping
When in doubt about how to proceed in love, heed the advice of your closest
friends.
"Don't let yer meatloaf!"
Be considerate. After mesmerizing your friends for hours with details of your
love miseries, be sure to feign interest when they start babbling about their
insignificant problems.
"So I go, 'Oh yeah?' and she goes 'Yeah!!' So I go--"
If you're going to argue with your partner at a restaurant, make it a cheap
one, because you won't be tasting your food anyhow.
"How's your duck l'orange, stupid?"
"Shut up and eat yer truffles."
Do not make jocular marriage proposals if you don't want to get clobbered.
"Will you mar--"
"Oh, yes!"
"--inate this steak for me?"
When hanging up angrily on a lover, watch those fingers!
"Go to hell!!" SLAM! "OW!!!"
Do not write and publish any books while in the midst of complete and utter
heartbreak.
_They're_ALL_Sons_Of_Bitches_ (vol. I)
Do not take love advice from cynical, embittered, sarcastic cartoon strips.
"Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?"
"Him?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* ASK THE ORACLE *********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here, from Hal Eisen, is more "Ask the Oracle"...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What does the Oracle do after it gets off from work?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
What any other good oracle does...chill out...have a beer or 3...
play games....watch tv...see his gal... ;-)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If deer are camouflaged by being brown, why aren't cows camouflaged by
being green?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
It is obvious that the cows' camouflage has worked exceedingly well.
In fact, it has worked so well that nobody has ever seen a green cow
around, as they are too well hidden. By comparison, the brown
with white splotches which deer refer to as their 'camouflage' is nothing.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hey Oracle - -
What do signs that say "Proper Identification Required" mean?
Is there such thing as "Improper Identification?"
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Such signs mean different things in different countries:
In Britain: You will be escorted out of the area if found within.
In the U.S: You will be escorted out in handcuffs.
In Germany: You will be put in jail for a month.
In Italy: You will be put in jail for a year.
In Russia: You will be sent to Siberia for five years.
In Turkey: You will be shot by a guard.
In Bulgaria: You will be tortured on the spot for five days, then
shot in the head at close range.
Improper identification is such an item as a driver's license, say, when
a Cosmic Top Security Nato Clearance Pass is required.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
How did humankind ever get along without computers?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
This is a very brilliant question, on the scale of questions to the
Oracle. The answer is: paper. There was a strange and arcane art, now
lost to mankind, but once known as "writing," which allowed humans to
record data and even perform simple calculations on a sheet of "paper."
Paper was a very thin, white substance, the art of whose making has also
been lost to mankind, but which was created, by a secret but subsidized
process, from old-growth rainforest from the Tongass National Park.
Perhaps the reason this substance fell into disuse was that there is now
no plant life taller than six feet existing on Earth today. Paper was,
of course, in the Oracle's unbiased opinion, a far worse medium than
silicon, but was far superior for wiping the rear end.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Are there really people who just won't ever be rational?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
yes...in fact, you can count them.
there are exactly pi of them.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Explain the American electoral process, using only vocabulary and phrasing
which the average American would understand.
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
screw the middle class...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What would the world be like if 12 wasn't a prime number?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
The world would be vastly changed for the worse. Individual countries
would be in about the same place, but many things would be changed:
- There would be a new nation, about where the junction between
Spain, Italy, and Germany is now, called "France". It would
be populated by the most obnoxious people in history.
- The country "Russia" would be governed by a weird and bizarre system
known as "Communism". Despite having failed economically for 60
years, their leaders would be trying to spread "Communism", most
often by invading their neighbors.
- There would be many so called "religions", spread about the world.
They would involve the idea that, rather than being dead for good,
a person goes someplace after death. Why anyone would think that
is a mystery to the Oracle.
- The almost unknown (in the present world) bug called the "mosquito"
would have an appendage solely for the drinking of blood from animals
while still living. It would spread horrible diseases by this
method.
These are just a few examples. No one would want to live in a world
where 12 was not prime; in fact, there would be many suicides.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
How long can you tread water?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
WEll, let me put it this way.
say an evil scientist captured me and brought me to his
evil laboratory and strapped me into an
evil machine that went
WHIRRRRRR
and
BUZZZZZZZZ
and whose sole evil purpose was to evilly create and
an exact copy of myself whose very essence and being
down to the last atom was identical to me in every way.
I would be able to tread water as long as he could.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
****************************** MEET THE M00SES *********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE REVISED M00SE ILLUMINATI SHORT-FORM ID FILE
<Since we've received a few ID's which have been rather voluminous, we've
decided to send this out again (with an addition made by Pickle). If you
want your ID printed in one of the following issues of M00se Droppings,
please fill this form out and send it to WITHALL@CTSTATEU. To those of
you who *have* filled one out and sent it to us: we're kind of out of space
in this issue, so we'll print yours starting with Issue number 22.>
The short form..
FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD
The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form
Chapter Name: ____________________________________________________
Nickname(s): ____________________________________________________
Life Form: ____________________________________________________
Sex: Male ___ Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___
Net Address: ________@________ Purity Quotient: _______%
Description: ____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
Favourite Saying: ____________________________________________________
Other Stuff: ____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Here in Our latest meet the m00ses is Alacrity's ID...
The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form
Chapter Name: John P. Bankert_____________________________________
Nickname(s): CHAOS Engineer, Alacrity, Expletive Deleted_________
Life Form: Intelligent potted palm_____________________________
Sex: Male ___ Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other XXX
Net Address: jbankert@sunrise_
Description: about 5.5 feet tall, kinda tree trunkish except for_
these leaves on top_________________________________
Favourite Saying: If it works, fix it, if it doesn't, don't___________
Other Stuff: I enjoy being watered about once a week and am______
seeking an attractive fern for a meaningful_________
relationship with possible long term commitment_____
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Since Goblin thought my original introduction to this part wasn't right,
here's her introduction:
The ID file of one of the well.. well lamebrained editors of this here magazine:
The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form
Chapter Name: Jeff Lee
Nickname(s): Godfrey de Shipbrook, SalmonM00se, Nodefinger
Life Form: Random, though usually humanoid
Sex: Male XXX Female Hermaphrodite Other
Net Address: LEE_JES @CTSTATEU Purity Quotient: 48.8%
Description: Usually about 5'8", blond, hazel eyes (3), 120#.
Usually wears black.
Favourite Saying: Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are
subtle and will piss on your computer.
Other Stuff: Heavily involved in the SCA, computers, music. Also
involved in art (drawing), writing, and other stuff...
SCA activities: Fighting, fencing, archery, heraldry,
mead brewing, calligraphy/illumination, crossbow,
music (singer/lutenist), armouring (mostly chainmail),
garbmaking, cooking...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This week, for all those of you who have lost, deleted, folded, bended,
spindled, or mutilated your old copy of the M00se List: A fresh new one!
Notes about the New List: Wolverine is now known as Lord Trelf, and both
he and Lord Sabre now have new net addresses.
TOTAL CHAPTERS: 132
THRONG/CHAPTER USERID NODE NAME
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alaska thr0ng FSDEM2 @ ALASKA Mugwump
FSJBK @ ALASKA G00se
JSJPC1 @ ALASKA Jonathan
RECS012 @ ALASKA Josh VanDyke
Binghamton thr0ng FR0130 @ BINGVMA Pig Dung
FR0250 @ BINGVMA Red Rock Mud Puddle
Boston University thr0ng CLXLAUC @ BUACCA Rorshach
ENLDC8C @ BUACCA Paladin
LAN @ BUCSF.BU.EDU
Larry Nathanson
Brockport thr0ng DS1437 @ BROCK1P Don Schleede
ERIK @ BROCK1P E-Rock
MW2440 @ BROCK1P Mark Weiland
Bucknell University chapter SHAFFERJ @ BKNLVMS James Shaffer
Buffalo thr0ng V054NN84 @ UBVMSA Foto/PacifistM00se
V123P62M @ UBVMSC Lorelei
V047KFZ7 @ UBVMSD Roachm00se
V056GZPK @ UBVMSD BritM00se
V065L4KV @ UBVMSD Donald Duck
V067LUFD @ UBVMSD Riff, DeathM00se
V068GZ8E @ UBVMSD Evil
V068KY46 @ UBVMSD Ineedanickname
V068MVHU @ UBVMSD Brandy
V078QM32 @ UBVMSD F00nels
V083PBXV @ UBVMSD Sindar
V085PWPZ @ UBVMSD Valerie. :)
V096NHDQ @ UBVMSD Chris M00spaw
V097NQQG @ UBVMSD EXPL0RER 01
V098PZJD @ UBVMSD Cardinal M00se
V101PYRW @ UBVMSD Villager M00se
V110JQ34 @ UBVMSD The Reverend M00ster
V122QQVZ @ UBVMSD Sweeper M00se
V133NNUW @ UBVMSD BigBadM00se
V291NHTP @ UBVMSD WarM00se, DangerM00se
IN%"JJZ @ S.CC.PURDUE.EDU"
ChickenM00se
Connecticut College chapter IJDIC @ CONNCOLL Scub
Connecticut State U thr0ng CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU Indiana Joe
COLANGELO @ CTSTATEU Ken Colangelo
CRAMER @ CTSTATEU Scopus
HENNEQUI_WEM @ CTSTATEU Anonym00se
LEE_JES @ CTSTATEU SalmonM00se
PHINNEY_AVK @ CTSTATEU Phredde
WITHALL @ CTSTATEU Goblin
Cornell thr0ng CBRY @ CORNELLA Ladykate
ZEMANIAN%CHEME.DECNET @ CHEME.TN.CORNELL.EDU
Spaceman Biff
CUNY chapter P02QC @ CUNYVM Mike
Drew chapter MHEAD @ DREW Drewid
HABiT (H0use 0f Ap0stles DB06103 @ UAFSYSB M00se Man
0f Biggles Thr0ng) DB06103 @ UAFSYSB Ms. M00se
JC06081 @ UAFSYSB Nemesis Milph
SH06078 @ UAFSYSB Dave T. Dead/R0b0p0pe
Hartford thr0ng AHRENS @ HARTFORD Wrangle
BEAUBIEN @ HARTFORD Sindex
DICKSON @ HARTFORD Pickle/MOON ROACH!
MELINOSKY @ HARTFORD Slick Jones
ROSSI @ HARTFORD The Chairman
SZIMMERM @ HARTFORD Greymalkin
WEIMAN @ HARTFORD Rhiannon/Sushi
Haverford thr0ng K_KRAVITZ @ HVRFORD Q.
S_BLINN @ HVRFORD Sean Blinn
JHU (??) chapter INS_AHJE @ JHUVMS Spocko
Lansing, NY thr0ng B45J @ CORNELLA Lord Sabre
B45J @ CRNLVAX5 Half-Elf
B45J @ CRNLVAX5 The Innkeeper
TQMY @ CRNLVAX5 Lord Trelf
Loyola thr0ng FRANK @ LOYVAX Spank
GAIL @ LOYVAX Sybil
KEVIN @ LOYVAX
Mr. Sparebuttonssuppliedwithhisshirt
MARKUS @ LOYVAX Markus
MARY_BETH @ LOYVAX Mary Beth
PAMELA @ LOYVAX Mommydammit
STASA @ LOYVAX Phoenix
TERESA @ LOYVAX Teresa
VANIDOR @ LOYVAX Vanidor
Maine chapter IO80222 @ MAINE Rainmaker
North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 The Anachronist
Northeastern U. ACM_MDB @ NUHUB The_Sage
Nova Scotia chapter 01GORF @ DALAC Terry Grignon
0ber0n Trading Thr0ng ST5616 @ SIUCVMB QuantumCat
ST6344 @ SIUCVMB Black_D0G the pirate
Old Dominion University thr0ng LBS100S @ ODUVM (nick unknown)
MRH100C @ ODUVM Frizbog Gordnik
SAB100C @ ODUVM Sandi Bedford
Penn State thr0ng JLA @ HOGBBS.FIDONET.ORG
James L. Anderson
MSP @ PSUECL Mark S. Pfaff
WCF @ PSUECL Bill Fenner
Portland thr0ng IP60591 @ PORTLAND Centauri
IP75004 @ PORTLAND Blazer
IP85014 @ PORTLAND qwerty
IP85033 @ PORTLAND Mitsya the Red M00se
Siberacuse thr0ng CRUSSELL @ SUNRISE GypsyLynx
DPFLINT @ SUNRISE Sandman
JBANKERT @ SUNRISE CHAOS Engineer
RABEELER @ SUNRISE Beez
RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp
VASISON @ SUNRISE Vince Sison
LIBISU2 @ SUVM Guardian Angel
LIBLJR @ SUVM Niniane
Stony Brook thr0ng BOWIEDEB @ SBCCVM But_You_Can_Call_Me_Maude
FNORD @ SBCCVM Fnord
JROSENSH @ SBCCVM Joanne Rosenshein
RRKHAN @ SBCCVM Romel
WALL @ SBCCVM Wall
Sweden chapter ICE @ SEQZ51 Ice
Towson State U. chapter S76NING @ TOWSONVX Paul
Trinity thr0ng CWELLER @ TRINCC Din0m00se
FANTASYG @ TRINCC Trinity Fantasy Guild
OPER3 @ TRINCC Razz
REWING @ TRINCC Slick Rick
U California Riverside chapter WATKINS @ UCRVMS Kevin
UConn chapter WALLFESH @ UCONNVM Sande
University of Missouri chapter C482529 @ UMCVMB Count_Zero
U of New Hampshire chapter J_BUTMAN @ UNHH Oliver
U of Vermont chapter DZUCKER @ UVMVM dzucker
Villanova thr0ng 054649739 @ VUVAXCOM Satoru Ushiyama
188622462 @ VUVAXCOM Kamikaze
580074787 @ VUVAXCOM Fiben
59401463 @ VUVAXCOM Starscream
SWORD05 @ VUVAXCOM Ford Prefect
WATER @ VUVAXCOM The Doctor
Washington State U. thr0ng 24945863 @ WSUVM1 Bard
23480853 @ WSUVM1 Ishtar
90289872 @ WSUVM1 Cthulhu
Wesleyan thr0ng AG @ WESLEYAN Damsel
EAUBRY @ WESLEYAN ED
JBLUESTEIN @ WESLEYAN WabeWalker
JVINCENT @ WESLEYAN Lord Rassilon
JDOTY @ WESLEYAN The Keeper
LBURKA @ WESLEYAN The Heresiarch
LGREENSTEIN @ WESLEYAN Pope Atheist I
LMARR @ WESLEYAN His Serene Randomness
RSIMON @ WESLEYAN Roanic
Xavier chapter BRUGGMNJ @ XAVIER the WILD ONE!!!
PLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNW
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DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #25| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | MAY 18, 1989
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BL00p!
PLEASE, if you're going away for the summer, or if your account is deactivated,
send a message to LEE_JES@CTSTATEU! If your messages bounce, you will be
removed from the mailing list.
Summer is here and finals dead in the dust. M00se Droppings will continue,
even if its editors do defect to the beach. We hope that those of you who
will be with us continue to send more of your great submissions. Recently
we received several songs from the Buffalo Thr0ng, we especially liked the one
taken from Paul Sim00se! (Maybe we should make Paul S. an honorary member?)
Nothing else is really new in Twinkie-Land, so this is it for the Editorial.
- Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
- SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MD reporters in Canada have been reported visiting M00se Jaw where they
took photographic evidence of The Giant M00se. The Giant M00se is suspected
of being the ringleader of the doubtful organization H.O.O.F. Little evidence
has turned up to support this either way. The following reporters have been
listed as missing in action: BackDoorM00se and Mickey M00se.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Reports of a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Th0n taking place in Connecticut have been proven
true. Those of you interested contact WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Goblin).
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRT's contact DICKSON@HARTFORD.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Rotation of the Earth shifting 1/800 of a millimeter has caused the loss
of three coat hangers into orbit. Will this bring the end of life as we know
it? Will the population on Alpha Centauri be wiped out? Worse yet, will they
multiply and cause a hostile takeover of the Galactic Trade Center? More news
at 10.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From GypsyLynx......
All that talk of fish in the last issue made me hungry and very
confused....that's what I get for being a Pisces cat-m00se, I
guess.
A fish is a fish, of course,
(unless its a horse)
A dog is a dog of course
(and never feels remorse)
But what, pray tell is a m00se?
(or worse yet, a m00se on the l00se?)
I saw one yesterday in a sluice
(sipping papaya juice?)
CARussell
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
More conf00sing fiction from Zem00se & Gund, the hip m00se...
*** No silly songs. Just some fiction! ***
A while ago I posted about how I got a good deal on my '53 St00debaker by
buying from a m00se. It was suggested that I tell the story of that car and
how I got it.
It was 1976. April, I believe. My current 32 Chevy truck was not working
well. Actually, it was not working at all. The transmission (a chain) was
bad (kinky -- the chain was, I mean). And the engine was, well, not well.
So I decided to ponder the local automobile establishments and get myself a
new chariot -- at least something with a REAL transmission. I stopped my
several places: Boffo's Wheel Emporium, Smiling Arnold's, and even Fred's
Place for Buying Cars (aptly named because Fred didn't sell iguana feed).
None of them had the proper price on a car I wanted. Basically, I wanted a
car with power everything, and a double-digit price tag (decimal included).
Nobody seemed right.
But then I read an ad in the "News and Times" (aptly named because they
didn't report on iguana feed). The ad was from Bullwinkle's Car Shop. I
went to see Mr. Bullwinkle, who was a m00se. First, I asked him about the
name -- he's no relation to the famed m00se of cartoon fame, but does have
a pet iguana named Rocky.
At any rate, I thought it unusual that a m00se would be operating a car
lot. I asked him about his license. That is when I learned about how m00se
get their car lot licenses. The process is really quite simple (much
simpler than the process by which humans get one -- but that's another
story). A m00se must go to the "Building where Car Lot Licenses are Given
Out". (Aptly named because you couldn't get a license to sell iguana feed in
this building. The "Building where People, M00ses, and Bivalves get
licenses to sell, write about, or otherwise be associated with Iguana Feed,
is two blocks over. Needless to say, it is a very small building.)
When the m00se arrives at the proper building, he simply walks up to the
clerk, and asks for the license. Since a m00se cannot write too well, the
clerk simply asks if the m00se is, in fact, a m00se. If this can be
confirmed (a real m00se does NOT have `Made in Japan' on the antlers), the
m00se is issued a license.
NOTE: The next paragraph is part of `another story' but is included for
clarity.
Many humans, jealous of m00ses, try to get a car lot license by wearing a
m00se costume. This offense is now considered a felony, and is punishable by
being forced to watch all 97 Green Acres episodes with no commercials and
no breaks, followed by someone making a fart noise and pointing in the
direction of the felon.
Bullwinkle had the proper license, and no Made in Japan labels, so I
thought he was legitimate and went through with the deal. He said he didn't
have anything on the lot that was in my price range, but there was a nice
orange on green 53 St00debaker that he only wanted $9,799 for (price being
negotiable. I took a look.
The car was perfect! It was so old and out of style, it was just on the
verge of coming back. And it had a transmission. Wonderful gears and
clutches and valves. No more chains for me. I can tell you, I was in love.
The blue vinyl seats and gold fuzzy dice were the final touches. But I
couldn't afford the $9,799 price tag.
Brokenhearted (Gee. That reminds me of a cute saying I saw inscribed on the
bathroom wall of an Iguana feed factory bathroom, but that's a different
story.) But Back to the subject -- brokenhearted, I went home.
About two weeks after the initial stop, I was in a small bookstore near the
intersection of Iguana and Vole. Back on an shelf, obscured from light by
several large volumes on iguanas, was a book about m00ses, and how to bribe
them. I immediately bought it and went home.
I read that a m00se's favorite hobby is building tipping. They like to climb
the elevator shaft horizontally. But m00ses can barely afford the Union
Crew of building tippers required to do this on a regular basis. It is
therefore advantageous for any person dealing with a m00se to have
certificates for Building Tipping by a Union Crew around.
It must have been my lucky day, as I had seven(!) of them in my wallet. I
won them at an Iguana Feed Distributor's Convention in Deluth, and had no
use for them as I like to climb elevator shafts the regular way -- using a
metal box with aptly numerated buttons. So I hopped in my old truck and flew
(OK, I did 15, but I WANTED to fly) on down to Bullwinkle's place. I offered
the certificates to Bullwinkle if he could knock a few bucks off the price.
I figured he'd knock off four or five hundred.
Boy was I surprised when he said I could have the little gem for $73.
Seventy three bucks! So I got the car, and blew up my old truck with a
home-made concoction of sodium sumtinorotherate and Vaseline ignited by sugar
and baking soda (it really works, so be careful).
Immediately, I went down to the disco. I was cool. I was happy. I was just
getting to know a nice young lady of the opposite sex, when the building
was suddenly cleared by a Union Crew of Building Tippers. While tipping the
building, they accidentally dropped it on my St00debaker.
I thought I was gonna die. My car was ruined. The worst part is that
Bullwinkle was the m00se having the building tipped.
So I went home and had a martini, smoked a bong full of Fruit Loops, and
took three weeks off from work. While at home those three weeks, I ate only
freeze dried Iguana feed.
-- Chris M00spaw
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lord Trelf, the guy with the pen, is back! BL000p!
Report from the Lansing/Cornell by Lord Trelf.
During a heavy trance [read: scotch induced stupor] Lord Trelf was
granted a gift of foresight and was shown the future - as a matter of fact,
the time period shown was the last year of the Earth's existence. The
exact date is unknown, and all M00ses are warned to keep alert, and if
they see any of these signs, they are to immediately do anything in their
power to change the course of events - lest the world shall be destroyed
by pillars of flame and ice glaciers flung from the skies!!!!
January - Soviet Premier Uri Vodkadrinkski seen dancing naked through Gorki
Park. The USSR did nothing to cover this up, nor was Vodkadrinkski
apprehended. The next day he returned to his position, claiming to
have "...absolutely no knowledge of this ridiculous story! It is
a plot by Fidel Castro to discredit me. That petty little man has
been upset ever since I took Cuba away from him!" Premier
Vodkadrinkski then pulled off his shirt and proudly displayed
a tatoo of Mikhail Barishnikov with the popular "Ghostbusters"
logo superimposed over the famous ballet dancer.
Gun's-N-Roses lead singer Axle shot to death by a man who was
later identified to be none other than Elvis Presley. Mr. Presley
explained in a press release that he had faked his death to get
some peace and quiet and "...to try to forget those awful movies
I made." However, he could no longer take it when GNR released
their Twentieth album, which was a tribute to The King and
featured twelve covers of Elvis' most popular hits. "Hearin'
that stringy little punk singing 'Teddy Bear' just did something
to me," Elvis said. "May he and Priscilla burn in Hell."
February: The United Nations, NATO, the World Market, and every other
multinational organization were disbanded as Cher was elected
Supreme Empress of All. Cher, who has ordered that from now
on she be referred to as "The Dark Queen", decreed that all
former national rulers be put to death, that every religion be
disbanded, and that all regal gowns henceforth be made of
tinfoil. In a surprise move, she granted a complete pardon
to Elvis Presley, who was sentenced to death by the former
President of North America, President Mitchell Axle, who was
the father-in-law of late Guns-n-Roses lead singer Axle, who
Presley had shot a month ago. Presley was then named
"Consort to the Dark Queen" and took up residence with
Her Darkness.
Also suprising, pork bellies rose for the three-hundreth day in
a row, make it the highest-priced stock. It just barely edged out
the CleanWipe Corporation, the manufacturers of a Handi Wipe
that was used widely to clean up Exxon oil spills.
The events which took place in March and April will appear in the next issue
of M00se Dr0ppings. this has been Lord Trelf.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************** ASK THE ORACLE ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
More "Ask the Oracle" from Hal Eisen...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What are some nice things that you can do with a good pair of breasts?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Broil them, sautee them, dice them into a salad, or just bake them
and eat them on sandwiches the next day.
Hey, what's so funny?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me?
And who's trying to depose him?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Although we know the answer to the first part of your question is
"Mickey Mouse", it is a little known fact that the famous rodent has
indeed been under a number of attempts to overthrow his reign and
institute a secular democratic state in its place. The last failed
attempt was by a triumvirate consisting of Mighty Mouse, Dangermouse,
and the second of the three mice that ran up the clock. It involved
poisoned cheese and assault mousetraps and was finally foiled by a
friendly white rat working for racial harmony. It is also suspected
the CIA was involved.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Talk dirty to me!!!
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
muck, alluvia, mire, slush, silt, turbidity, stickiness, ooze, bog,
swamp, hardpan, percolation, viscidity, soup, axel, grease, filth,
dung, foulmatter, coprolite, guano, manure, slop, squaler, mud, grime,
smudge, offal, pus, dregs, and dirt will all be served for dinner tonight.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
How may we protect ourselves from the twin evils of mayo and tofu?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
The Oracle has gone to great lengths to answer this question, including
talking in a polite and friendly way to people he would normally commit
to the State Asylum on sight, and accordingly has learned from Those Who
Know (Or Say They Do) the precise astral relationships invoved here.
Because of this, I respectfully urge the esteemed questioner to listen
attentively, because he (or she; we do have some very sensitive females
on this machine) has become involved in some Heavy Doodoo.
Basically, you seem to have offended the Demigod of Infinite Blandness.
The Demigod of Infinite Blandness has become very touchy about his
reputation on Oracle, as several of his creations have been getting more
than the usual dirt. You have, apparently, aroused his anger. The DIB,
as we shall refer to him, does not dirty his own hands with the affairs
of mere mortals, but rather prefers to leave the job to his servants on
Earth. These are many; but those disciples of his which are most likely
to attack you in the near future are the following:
1) Mayo. Mayo is the Vice-Demigod of Infinite Blandness, and as such
merits first crack at you.
2) Tofu.
3) Steven Muller.
4) Polyethylene.
Muller is generally the active force involved in the liquidation, whereas
the other three are generally passive. For example, Muller would, at
midnight, his tan disguised by a healthy application of mayo, sneak into
your front yard, jimmy your lock with a polyethylene lockpick, slime his
way into your bedroom, and temporarily gag and bind you with polyethylene
rope until a Giant Blob of Mayo, which had, after the manner of a
monstrous albino slug, crept up after him through the open door and
managed to embalm you, leaving you mentally intact but physically
paralyzed. Then, like a demon out of some bizarre Biblical parable, he
would stone you to death with bricks of tofu. The methods of the Demigod
of Infinite Blandness are anything but dull. Therefore, though Muller
most likely would be the foot in the door that led the way for the other
Powers of Blandness, you must protect against all of them. My temporary
friends in the exorcism business told me how to do this:
1) Put a giant sign on your door, saying, "Welcome to Baltimore." This,
to mere bystanders in the Final Armageddon between Oracle and
Blandness, will appear innocuous, if a little bit weird. (However,
your later actions will even more further this side effect, so bear
with me.) Do the same to all the physical entrances to your house.
(Including chimney; Steve has been known to parachute down chimneys
when his master is especially outraged.) If he sees this sign, he will
immediately remember that he is in a city to which he only comes three
times a year (shaking hands with the freshmen, shaking hands with the
seniors, and tuition increases). To come here any other time would
blow his cover. He therefore will return to Bologna, while his Master
broods darkly.
2) The DIB will then probably try the mayo by itself. However, acting on
its own, Mayo can easily be repelled by anything culinarily opposite
to it. There are many such; my contacts in the Astral Underworld
suggested Tabasco sauce. Mix up a potion of Tabasco sauce, vinegar,
goat cheese, garlic, and any such substances. Smear it around all
entrances to your house. Leave a pot hanging over your door. (NOTE:
As well as an infallible charm against Mayo, this treatment also
removes minor infestations of neighbors, friends, and relatives.)
Carry a bottle of Tabasco sauce always with you for immediate self-
defence.
3) Stay well away from Oriental groceries, health food stores, Temples
of Blandness, Tofutti stands, and anything else you think may harbour
the dread scourge of Tofu. Tofu is not normally capable of motion on
its own, so no special safeguards on your dwelling are necessary.
However, beware of dull-looking strangers carrying grocery bags.
4) Remove anything or appliance containing polyethylene or other
suspicious plastics from your home. (Especially your telephone; many
have been strangled by the unsuspectedly animated products of the
American Telephone and Telegraph Co., which by the way is controlled
by the DIB.) If you cannot find a metal substitute and cannot do
without, at least plate it with cold iron.
Good Luck. Although this is only a minor skirmish in the Endless War
between Oracle and Blandness, I have been informed that the Demigod of
Oracle himself, who we will call by the codename of HJE, has taken an
interest in your case. Happy Dreaming, and don't let the MayoBugs bite!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Want some fries with that? Anything else?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Ketchup, salt, a chocolate shake, and a diploma. With cheese.
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******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An ID from Bard..
Chapter Name: Stephanie Manke_____________________________________
Nickname(s): Bard, Bardwolf, whatever I feel like at the time____
Life Form: human -- I think____________________________________
Sex: Male ___ Female XXX Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___
(ok, so I had to give a straight answer at some point)
Net Address: 24945863@WSUVM1__ Purity Quotient: NOYB*__%
Description: tall(almost 6'), not so thin anymore(looked 1/2 ____
starved thru high school), straight brown hair,_____
green eyes(basically), semi-classy black wire-rim___
glasses most the times(also have contacts, which I
haven't been wearing) usually clad in a very bum-like
fashion -- sweats, sweatshirt, running shoes
Favourite Saying: "Beware the superfically profound"__________________
Other Stuff: I like animals(have 3 cats), computers, books, things
Celtic(esp music/tales), New Age music, fantasy/sf/_
books in general(oops, said that already), beaches__
forests, fires(but not forest fires), history, chess
RPGs, and several dozen etc's______A_________________
Things I Hate: CROWDS, most vegetables(esp cooked)
yapping dogs, irresponsible apartment-mates('tis a
long and sad tale) this, of course, is only a sample
* None of Your Business
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Lord Trelf's ID...
Name: Frank J. Orzechowicz [sounds better in Polish]
Nicks: Lord Trelf, Wolverine, "That Son of a *****"
Net Address: TQMY@CRNLVAX5
Sex: Very infrequently {Male}
Purity Quotient: Very high {See heading titled "Sex"}
Favorite Saying: "Yo" {Old Philadelphia Greeting}
Most Frequently Said Line: "Yeah, I'm job hunting again."
Most Wished-To-Be-Heard Line: "*I* don't think you look like a Troll..."
Description: Six feet even, 240 pounds, former weight lifter. [None of the
definition I once had, but I could probably bench press you.]
Brown hair, brown mustache and beard with streaks of blond and
occasionally a gray hair or two {see heading titled "Most
Frequently Said Line"}. Enjoy attending Ren Faires, wenches who
attend Ren Faires {long story}, Pro Wrestling, reading, writing
{Still attempting to be a published author.}, listening to
"Flight of the Valkyrie" and "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor",
and killing fish with The Innkeeper and Spaceman Biff. [though
we've never managed to kill any this season, and I've never fished
with Biff, but hey, who's keeping a score card?????]
Least Favorite-Heard Saying: "Ya' know, you really DO look like a Troll...."
Thirty-First Favorite Saying: "EVIL pure and simple from the 8th Dimension!"
{Happy now Roo????}
Goals in Life: To become and published and wealthy author in the next few
years {so I never again have to say "Yeah, I'm job hunting
again."} To learn the meaning of life and to find the woman
of my dreams. {Preferably in the next two months.} And to
give George Michael a black eye.
The One Thing I'd Like To Tell You All: "Go get drunk."
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #26| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | JUNE 2, 1989
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
%$#& BEEP!
Greetings, as I sit here writing this editorial the alarm system here at
CTSTATEU has beeped 36443 times since Tuesday. Having technical difficulties
all week long..arrrrrrrrrg!!! Bet Batman wouldn't have to put up with this..
*grumble*.. Which, by the way, is what this editorial is really about. Salmon
and I were wondering how many M00ses around the CT. area are interested in
having a M00sey get-together and see BATMAN. If interested, send mail to
our Bitnet Addresses or call 224-7835. We can figure out arrangements and such
then.
- Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
- SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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Reports of a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Th0n taking place in Connecticut have been proven
true. Those of you interested contact WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Goblin).
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRT's contact DICKSON@HARTFORD.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
May, 26 1989
My fellow m00ses,
Tomorrow, my brother (Scub) and I leave for England. We will be there for
two weeks, doing field research for our book, _M00ses_Abroad_. The work will
be very strenuous, and quite possibly dangerous, as there are many hostile
secret societies in Europe who would love to see the M00se Illuminati wiped
out.
We will attempt to follow up on the translation of the Pnakotic
Manuscripts, which ended so tragically (as reported in M00se Dropping several
issues back). In addition, we will be searching for the legendary M00sehenge--
the gigantic m00se shrine of which Stonehenge is rumoured to be a poor
imitation.
As we may never meet again, I wish to impart some wisdom before I go.
However, I haven't got any. So here is somebody else's:
I admit that I ain't no angel, I admit that I ain't no saint
I'm selfish and I'm cruel, but you're blind
If I exorcise my devils, well my angels may leave too
And when they leave, they're so hard to find
So please call me baby, wherever you are
It's too cold to be out walkin' the streets
We do crazy things when we're wounded, everyone's been insane
And I don't want you catchin' your death of cold out walkin' in the rain
-Tom Waits
Of course, Tom Waits also said:
Never trust a man in a blue trenchcoat,
Never drive a car when you're dead.
So maybe his wisdom isn't really worth that much. So let's try Elvis
Costello, who said that America is "a trick they do with mirrors and with
chemicals." Of course, Elm00se C0stell0 said it was "a trick they do with
m00ses and with assorted nutritious hostess products." Which is true? You
decide. On June 10, when I return, if I return, I will attempt to bring a
Eurom00sean point of view with me, so that we may perhaps see things more
clearly. Or less. Whichever is more desirable.
Fare thee well. I hate being watched and monitored. We can and will
police ourselves.
Pickle.
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now, the next installment of The Prophecies of the End of Time
by resident seer [read: Drunken Sot] Lord Trelf.
March:
While roaming the countryside of England, a small schoolboy
discovers the legendary sword Excalibur jutting out of a large stone.
Within a week millions of people are arriving in England attempting
to pull the sword from the stone and become King. Margaret Thatcher
commits suicide after failing miserably to pull the sword from
its resting place. Several professional wrestlers attempt, and
fail. Finally, one man does succeed in freeing the sword:
Richard Simmons. He declares himself King Richard of the
Low BodyFat Content and declares England and the rest of Great
Britain free of The Dark Queen's rule.
Cher, The Dark Queen, refuses to recognize King Richard's claim,
but does not wish to confront him immediately. Instead, she declares
England a penal colony and begins to deport criminals, the insane,
and elderly fat women to England.
Japanese computer designers created the first voice-activated
computer. The technology was stunning, but there were problems
due to the fact that the computers refused to work if not spoken
to in a polite, cultured tone. They absolutely refused to
cooperate with most civil servants, university students, or
office workers.
April:
King Richard gladly accepts those sent to his Kinda' New England,
and immediately begins to put them through extensive training
programs. In four week's time he has them whipped into shape
and forming a formidable army. It is suspected that he is
planning to to someday openly face The Dark Queen in battle.
Envoy Software has created a program which allows even the
most surly of users to use Japan's voice-activated computer,
The BabbleTalk 2000.
Pork bellies have begun to slide down in the market following
the accidental death of a five year old girl in Iowa. She fed
some of the pork bellies to her pet pig, who then became enraged
and chewed the girl to little tiny bits.
New Zealand was over-run by armies of sheep, who slaughtered
all humans on the small island and set up their own government.
King Richard announced he planned to send an army to reclaim
the province of Great Britain. It is rumored that The
Dark Queen was behind the attack.
That is all for now. I, the Seer, Lord Trelf, shall bring you the
dark tiding of May and June in the next issue.
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here are the words to the song "Them M00se G00sers", as I mentioned in an
earlier post. I taped it off the Dr. Demento show back in '82.
It's in 4. Stomp on 1 and 3, clap on 2 and 4.
"Them M00se G00sers"
How 'bout them m00se g00sers, ain't them cl00se
Up in them b00ndocks, g00sin' them m00se
G00sin' them huge m00se, g00sin' them tiny
G00sin' them medley m00se in they hiney
L00k at them m00se g00sers, ain't they dumb
Some use an umbrella, some use a thumb
Then up to sn00ze g00sers, sneakin' through the w00ds
Pokin' them sn00zy m00se in they g00ds
How to be a m00se g00ser? It'll turn ya puce!
Get your g00ser l00se and 'rouse a drowsy m00se!
(If you want to hear the tape, ask me and I can play it for ya.
I'm not sure on a few of the words, though.)
-B0B D0BBS M00SE
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
To All the M00se I've Loved Before
==================================
To all the m00se I've loved before,
who've wandered in and out my door,
I'm glad they came along,
I dedicate this song,
To all the m00se I've loved before.
To all the m00se who've cared for me,
who made me bellow with melody,
I'm glad they sang along,
I hereby leave this song,
To all the m00se who've cared for me.
To all the m00se who've kissed my nose,
who made me glance down at my toes,
I'm glad they glanced along,
I sanctify this song,
To all the m00se who've kissed my nose.
To all the m00se I've loved before,
who've trampled on and off my floor,
I'm glad they stomped along,
I dedicate this song,
To all the m00se I've loooooo-ved be-fooooooore!
BritM00se and Mel0dy the Musical M00se
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******************************** ASK THE ORACLE ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
More "Ask the Oracle" from Hal Eisen...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What's the chemical symbol for granola? It must be an element, since
it's impossible to break down (especially with your teeth).
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Although granola does not break down with the teeth, it must be noted
that a megawatt CO2 laser will send little granola bits flying into the
nearest wall. The chemical symbol for granola varies with the brand, and
is usually listed (as per federal laws) on the label. The most common
formula is hexachlorodiphenylnitrotoluenatdekafluoromuraphosphobenzonitro-
chlorodipentaoxymegahydrousatamylpolypropoteflonatetriphosphopropylene.
Granola is best drank in a ten molar solution in milk.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
What is the meaning of life?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
(editor's note--you really thought a lot on this one, didn't you?)
The meaning of life is not something that can be easily expressed
in words. It must be experienced. I suggest the following steps.
1. Carve your initials in a large bowl of water. This should
help you understand that life is a temporary, transient thing.
It should also give you a keen grasp on futility.
2. Buy a Coke, or whatever soda you like, drink it, and then pretend
to continue drinking out of the can, even though there's nothing
left. If you are convincing, you are (to everyone else) functionally
equivalent to a person actually drinking Coke, and thus, according
to many philosophers, you are actually drinking Coke. This will either
make you realise how inane philosophers are or cause you to gain weight,
have lots of cavities, and disappear whenever not thinking, depending
on whether you fall for it.
3. Think about what it would be like to be a vegetarian who only
ate meat.
4. Repeat step 3, but this time pretend it's really deep instead of
just a stupid contradiction. These steps will illustrate the fine
line between something meaningful and something you shouldn't waste
your time doing. In this case it's the latter made meaningful by
your search for understanding. At least it tries.
5. Play Oracle some more. This won't help you with the meaning of
life, but it will amuse Hal, especially if you put some thought into
your answers. Or, dare I say it, your questions.
6. send money to Chad. This is very important.
7. Repeat step 6, until poverty prevents you. Then call Stacy.
8. Go to a meeting of the Hopkins Christian Fellowship. Or don't.
Personally, I wouldn't. It's up to you.
9. There is no step 9. If you haven't got it by now, face it, you're
like all the rest of us.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Give 7 reasons why Steven Muller is REALLY resigning.
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
(drumroll.....................)
Reason no. 10: There is NO reason no. 10 (hey, you only asked for
seven....)
for 9 and 8, see 10.
Reason no. 7: Muller is actually an alien sent to Earth to learn about
Hofstra. He just realised he's at the wrong school.
Reason no. 6: His doctor told him he has to stay out of the sun, and
he doesn't want to disappoint his "tan-fans," so he's going into hiding.
Reason no. 5: He's just going into hiding.
Reason no. 4: Reagan created a huge deficit and left office...monkey
see, monkey do.
Reason no. 3: He couldn't handle the guilt about APL.
REAL Reason no. 3: (I mean, you weren't going to buy the guilt bit,
were you?) He's tired of suffering biting sarcasm at the hands of
James Rosen.
Reason no. 2: He secretly believes he's the descendant of Ludwar
Gassergeth, and wants to bring Frivenmirk back to its former days
of glory.
Reason no. 1: He's a poofta.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A black cat crossed my path the other day. What shall I do?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
There are several possible courses of action that I, the inphallible
Oracle (that is NOT a spelling error) believe you are worthy of hearing.
1: Cross its path. (the get-even method)
2: Cuss and spit. (the get-mad method)
3: Take solace in the company of a member of the opposite sex (or the
member of a member of the opposite sex if you are of that bent)
(the get-laid method)
4: Using time travel, erase the incident from your particular space-time
continuum by staying in bed that day. For advice on how to accomplish this plea
se refer to #3. (the get-back method)
5: Laugh it off! These superstitions are silly. (the get-real method)
6: Pillowcase Nightshade painted whisper (the get-surreal method)
goodnight!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Does the Oracle Master ever need appeasing, and if so, where do we send
donations, virgins, and sacrifices?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Yes, the Oracle Master has quite the bizarre taste for
bimbos and various buxom serving wenches.
All one needs to do is take them into Rowland 205 and
throw them over the railing while chanting,
"ooooh oooooh Muller mania."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Name: John Doty
Thr0ng Name: Wesleyan U.
Nicknames: The Keeper, Far Voyager, Dotimonster, Sveyn Egilsson (SCA)
Lifeform: Human, mostly
Sex: M:XXX F:___ Hem:___ Oth:___
Net Address: JDOTY@WESLEYAN.BITNET Purity Quotient: 64.7% (247)
JDOTY@EAGLE.WESLEYAN.EDU 66.0% (400)
Tangible Addresses: 54 Home Ave, Middletown, CT "Where I Am"
3655 Anderson Creek Rd., Talent, OR "Where I Want to Be"
Description: 74 inch Biped, Medium Build, Dark hair (sometimes..."I'm in
disguise...this way no-one will recognize me") and perfect blue
eyes. Boyish good looks that last only several hours after shaving.
Scatian Device: Argent, 3 piles en point azure, a swan displayed sable.
Favourite Sayings: "Just crank the Volume to the Point of Pain. Why waste good
music on a Brain?" -Heavy Duty Rock and Roll - Spinal Tap
"Game over, Man!!" -Hudson, _Aliens_
"In Odin, we trust...all others pay in Rataan" - Kveldulf
Most seen Movies: 1.Star Wars Most Liked Movies: 1.Bladerunner
2.Bladerunner 2.Empire Strikes Back
(tie)2.Highlander 3.Raising Arizona
Musical Taste(?): Van Halen, Queen, Wynton Marsalis, Sting, Styx, Prince,
Journey, _Les Miserables_, DCI (spec. Velvet Knights,
Blue Devils), Paul Simon (w/ and w/o Art), G'n'R, Jethro
Tull, Billy Joel, and many more
Miscellaneous: Ex-Officio, Wes. U. Strategic Games Club, "The folks who brought
you ADVENTURE I - V"
RPGer (Champions, Traveller, M.E.R.P., AD&D {no, really})
Comic buyer (inc. LSH {DC} since 1977 {#224}, ugh)
Soccer addict (and, of course, Intramural Weekend Warrior)
Literate (barely) in Elvish (Quenya, Sindarin, Feanorian script)
Stick Jock, Armorer, Herald - SCA (Ulfgaard, Dragonship Haven)
Theater Major, class of '90, Acting (and hating it right now)
System Operator, Wes Comp Ctr.
Stuck in Middletown, CT all summer (call before you visit)
and Oregonian. (that's someone from Orygun, state #39)
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Chapter Name: Richard Willey
ThrOng Name: Wesleyan U.
Nicknames: The Duke of Chaos, Aegnor, Aggressor of the Faith,
Lord Hrothgar Hrolfsson (SCA)
Lifeform: Disputed Purity quotient: 26% (100)
Sex: M:XXX F:___ Hem:___ Oth:___ 37% (400)
Net Address: RWILLEY@WESLEYAN.BITNET
Tangible address: 54 Home Ave, Middletown CT. (this summer)
Bloomington Indiana (the next five years - aarrgggghh!!!!)
Description: perpetual 18 year old, "a kill crazed ferret", an econ god with
a lust for blood, 72 inches tall, devastatingly cute, brown hair,
hazel eyes, what a manical wood elf would want to look like.
Scatian device: Counter ermine, on a lozenge argent, a wolf's head sinister,
erased, sable, a chief indented argent.
Favorite sayings: "Let's kill them anyway" - Hrothgar
"People will give their lives for an idea if its very big
and they don't understand it well" - the Artifical Kid
"Make no small plans, they have no power to stir men's
blood" - Daniel Hudson Birnham
"Lord Willey would like a table for two for this friday
night" - Jennifer Minz (social secretary to "Lord Willey")
making reservations at Le Bec Fin wednesday night
Musical taste: the Art of Noise, Fleetwood Mac, Pyschedelic Furs, 'til Tuesday,
Miscellaneous: all time tunnel assassin champion, truly believes economics will
make to world a better place, Ninja high School Rocks, SCA stick
jock/wire weinie, Herbet Scoville Junior Peace Fellow, believes
squirrels are messengers God, ALWAYS in search of a Splash and
Bash.
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #27| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | June 19, 1989
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings,
Summer is truly here, and with it (as usual) is the age old question, "What
is there to do now?!?" To combat summer doldrums, here are some silly M00sey
things to do:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drink papaya juice (for GypsyLynx)
Have a M00se Thr0ng-A-Thon
See Batman!!!!
Read the _Illuminatus!_ Trilogy
See Star Trek V
Eat Illuminati Bars
Eat Hostess Twinkies (not the Strawberry ones *blech*)
Go fishing (Spaceman Biff!)
Play the Illuminati game (a personal fav. of CTSTATEU)
Write articles for M00se Droppings
Read Ann Rice's Vampire books (very good and weird)
Visit Connecticut *grin* (plug)
Bl00p at Bavarians!
Plague Starfire!!! (send her E-mail, she loves it!)
Invite Strange M00ses to your neck of the woods..
Visit the Pink Iguana Tavern!
Have a Scamp sighting..
Send Pickle champagne :*)
Have a Lord Sabre sighting...
Write articles for M00se Droppings
Bl00p at tourists...
Visit Connecticut for a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Thon!
See Buckaroo Banzai for the 10th time!
Visit with your fellow M00ses!!
Write articles for M00se Droppings
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you still can't think of anything to do...well, you can always send E-mail
to Starfire, just saying hello.... *evil grin*
- Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
- SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
Gee thanx Frank...it's been raining for the past three weeks now... glub glub..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We M00ses in CT are planning on making Batman the Movie a M00sey event! What
M00sey things are happening in the rest of the world? So far the Wesleyan
crowd, Trinity and Hartford are interested in attending. Batman is supposed to
be making his big debut on June 23! For info on meeting and etc..call me
(goblin) at 224-7835 or send E-Mail
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Reports of a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Th0n taking place in Connecticut have been proven
true. Those of you interested contact WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Goblin). The weekend
of the M-T-A-T is still in the air, help us to pick a weekend. We are still up
in the air about the place of gathering also..(sheesh what do we know?)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRT's contact DICKSON@HARTFORD.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Reports of the state of Connecticut floating away are held to be rumors..
M00ses all over have started to pawn their very own Elvis Presley memorabilia,
to buy rubber m00se shaped rafts.
(For first class ARK tickets contact CLAFFEY_JOR@CTSTATEU)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay tuned next issue for the adventures of SPLATMAN and the Boy Blunder!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
There ain't no Thelma here!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
More Zany songs from the M00sical M00ses..
CRAZY THR0NG, Vol. II
=====================
Fuzzy Gund the Archm00se
tramped into the room,
he said I have no commitment to this
and I have no commitment to that.
Sad as a lonely little bald m00se,
he said well I don't claim to be happy about this, m00se,
and I don't seem to be happy 'bout that.
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng.
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng.
She says she knows about thr0ngs
this time the thr0ng is after me,
Well, I have no commitment to them,
and they have no commitment to me.
Somebody could trample into this room
and say your fur is on fire,
it's all over the evening boards,
all about the fire on your fur
on the evening boards.
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng.
Fuzzy Gund the Archm00se
files for his boss,
he says well this will eat up a year of my growth,
and then maybe this thr0ng will get lost.
She says the thr0ng is out for me,
I say the thr0ng is out for her,
I said I have no commitment to them--
well, we'll just have to wait for the herd.
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of your thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng,
I don't want no part of this crazy thr0ng.
THAT WAS YOUR MA M00SE
======================
A long time ago, bl00p,
before you were born a m00se,
when I was still a calf
and thr0ngs were great,
I held this job as a traveling salesm00se,
that kept me herded from state to state.
Well I'm standing on the corner of Ellicott,
state of Confusion,
wondering where a city m00se could go,
to get a little conversation
slurp a little red wine,
catch a little bit of those Buffalo m00se,
dancing to Zydem00.
Along came a young m00se,
she's pretty as a matchbook,
hairy as a hostess on Christmas day,
I said "oh Bl00p!" could this be my luck,
if that's a matchbook,
Lord let us mate!
Well I'm standing on the corner of Ellicott,
state of Confusion,
wondering what a city m00se could do,
to get her in a convertible,
slurp a little red wine,
dance to the music of Clifton CheM00se
the King of the Bay00
Well that was your ma-m00se,
and that was your bull-m00se,
before you were born a m00se,
when thr0ngs were great.
You are the burden of my generation,
but I sure do love you,
so let's celebrate!
Well I'm standing on the corner of Ellicott,
across the lot from Fargo,
heading down to the Richmond Cafe.
Maybe get a little indigestion,
slurp a little red wine,
standing in the shadow of Clifton CheM00se,
Bl00ping the night away!
*---BritM00se and Mel0dy,
The Musical M00se.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We have this gem thanx to the folks at Wesleyan... :^)
Star Trash The Next Generation...
##########################################################################
[The scene: The U.S.S. Enterprise is in orbit around the planet Toupee,
reputed to be the home of an unknown intelligent race. Worf, Riker, and Troi
have beamed down to the surface. They are standing in a swamp. Back on board
the Enterprise, Data, Wesley, Geordie, Picard, and the token Engineering Chief
from the British Isles are at their stations.]
{Cheesy Theme Music}
Picard: Number one, report
Riker:We're in a swamp
Picard:(Nervously fingering his bald pate)Not good enough, number one
Riker:We're in a really big swamp, and Troi is lifting up her skirt to avoid
getting her uniform dirty, providing a great view of her legs.
Picard:That's better. Put them on screen, Wesley.
Wesley:Gosh, the landing party, sir?
Picard:No, ensign. Troi's legs.
Wesley:Yes, SIR! I've hit puberty and gosh, it's great!
Geordie:Lookin' good, Troi!
Troi:I feel...male hormones surging around me...it's wonderful
Worf:Growl
Riker:Wait, Captain, there's something moving in the trees.
Troi:I feel...someone's hand on my thigh...
Worf:Let me kill it, sir!
Picard:Cut it out, Number One.
Riker:But it's not me, sir. It's...AAaaaagghhhh!!!
Picard:Number One? Come in, Number One!
Data:We've lost contact, sir
[screen goes blank from Picard's anguished stare
Tune in next time for more rehashed plots!
##########################################################################
Picking up where we left off...
Picard:Beam them up immediately!
Token Accent:Aye sir!
Picard:Okay, bridge crew, everyone with intelligence down to the transporter
room. Second rate incompetents, the helm is yours
Ensign Large Blue Squidoid:Hrurh Bluh Gruhuh (Meaning, Thanks, Sir. Gee, Your
head is shiny today.)
{Transporter Room}
Riker:Well, sir, we're back.
Worf:Captain, we've destroyed the hostile life forms. Fuck the Prime
Directive.
Data:Captain, something is amiss. Specifically, I refer to the presence of a
life form superficially resembling human hair on Lt. Worf's skull.
Wesley:Gosh, it looks like Deanna has chest hair.
Troi:Captain, I feel great...embarrassment. Can I show off my thighs again?
Geordie:Good Lord, Riker has one, too!
Data:No, Geordie. That is merely his beard.
Worf:Growl. We should destroy these beings immediately. Besides, I look
like...a human.
Geordie:Why not? You're already a yuppie.
Wesley:Look, Captain, the one on Deanna's chest! It's moving!
Riker:I'll grab it.
Token Accent:Och. I just had to say that.
Picard:I'll deal with this, Number One.
Data:Watch out, sir.
{It jumps onto Picard's head}
Data:It appears to have jumped onto the captain's head.
{Shot closes with close up of Picard's ecstatic face.}
More soon....
(For more episodes send to WITHALL@CTSTATEU and I will send it all...)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here are the next installments of The Prophecies According to Lord Trelf
for May and June. [But first I would like to put in a small topical comment.
My prophecies may be odd, but on one day - Sunday, June 4 - the Chinese
Army marched into a square and killed several hundred students, the
Ayatollah Khomeni died, and two Trans-Siberian Railways trains exploded
next to each other, killing hundreds of children...this shit is stranger than
anything I could come up with.] And now, on to the prophecies ------
May -
A quiet month, as the first half of it was spent in world-wide
celebration of the anniversary of the birth of Lord Trelf. Lord Trelf's
actual whereabouts are unknown at that time, but it is rumored that he
has made an abode for himself on the surface of the moon and is
watching over the earth. Almost overnight a major cult springs into being.
It's followers, The Worshippers of His High Holy Trelfness, announce that
they have received direct word from the demi-god that he has been watching
the occurrences of the past months and will eventually take a hand in the
turmoil to restore peace and order in the lands. The Dark Queen laughs
the beliefs off, calling them "even more ridiculous than some of Sonny's
old sexual fantasies regarding me and a pool of.......never mind! Get back
to work!!!!!" Kind Richard of the Low Body-Fat Content was quoted as saying,
"It would be nice if he [Lord Trelf] were watching over our struggle against
the Dark Queen, but it is even more far-fetched than Sonny Bono's old
fantasies about me and a vat of....never mind! Now Side Kicks to the left...
9 more......8 more......."
Elvis Presley, Consort to the Dark Queen, launched a one-man crusade
against what he called "that )^$%#)^^???!!!!@$#&$****@@@@@@!!!!!" Mr.
Presley was referring to rap music. Joining him, surprisingly, were
Elvis Costello, Paul McCartney, Paul Simon, and Bob Geldof. Calling
themselves "Two Guys Named Elvis, Two Guys Named Paul, and Someone
named Bob Against That Damned Monkey Music", they set out to destroy
all rap singers.
June -
Nothing happened in June...it rains too damn much in June.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
More insanity from the guy who brought you mollusks...
Bl00p!!!
Howdy there! Spaceman Biff! on this end of the transmitting
thing-gummy! (Yes, the exclamation point IS part of the nick... aren't
y'all jealous that Y'ALL didn't think to put punctuation into y'all's nicks?
Nyaah, nyaah, nyaah, boo, boo!)) Anyway, I haven't time to write a long
submission, so I'll pose a question for the 0racle, or any other m00se
who might like a crack at it. Here we go:
If CBS Anchorwoman Connie Chung were to divorce her rock star
husband, Wang, and marry Sean Lingus, the air travel magnate
whose great uncle Fearghal Lingus formed the Irish line
_Aer Lingus_, would it be a violation of FCC rules to broadcast
her full name if she were to compete on an all new version of
the Battle of the Network T & A? ("Just look at that, folks!
Ms. Connie Lingus just lapped Loni Anderson")
Just Wondering,
--Spaceman Biff!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************** ASK THE ORACLE ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
More "Ask the Oracle" from Hal Eisen...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Where has all the flour gone?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
Obviously the Questioner has quite a large cockroach problem. The Oracle
will, even though it was not asked, list the two proven effective ways of
eliminating all cockroaches in one's dwelling place:
1. Plug all the cracks in the house/apartment. Don't forget the door.
Then turn on the water; come back in a week. Note that roaches cannot
breathe water.
2. Buy a large bottle of boric acid crystals from any drug store. The
theory behind this method is that roaches need hiding places. Simply
use the boric acid in your sandblaster to remove all hiding places
(e.g. the stove)
While there are less drastic methods, those are for people who have less
drastic problems.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Have you ever been in love? How did you know that you were?
The Oracle has answered your question as follows:
I have indeed been in love several times and in several different
ways. Since I don't know which you mean, I'll try to cover them all.
First, I have indeed visited the charming French province of Love. As
to how I knew I was there, that was easy. I had taken the right map,
seen the sign that said (in French) Welcome to Love, and could have
further confirmed my location by asking any of the friendly residents
there. Of course, that wouldn't have ruled out the possibility of a
conspiracy against me, so I guess I can't be positive, but it seems
reasonable. Come to think of it, that restaurant DID look a bit
suspicious. But no, enough of that, my doctor has assured me that I
am not the victim of a conspiracy.
Second, I have also...Wait a minute. That doctor has an accent! He
must be a spy or something! Yes, of course! There is a conspiracy,
and I never was in Love at all! They must have been trying to get
information out of me or something! That little dog that kept following
me must have been the mastermind in disguise! Yes, of course! Wait,
no, STOP! Control...yes, that's it...now where's my medicine? Ah,
ok, take the pill and deep breath. Much better.
Third, I have been in L.O.V.E., a counter-espionage group. Unfortunately,
I cannot tell you what L.O.V.E. stands for, as it is top-secret. Indeed,
I should not have told you that L.O.V.E. exists, but to hell with them,
they all turned against me anyway!
Fourth, I was once enamoured of a lovely young woman. Her skin was like
silk, and she had a heart-shaped birthmark, right under her...OK, I
WILL tell you what L.O.V.E. stands for! Why should I be loyal to them
after they betrayed me? Besides, I'm almost positive that two of them
were following my when I was in Love! Damn them! OK, here it is, the
secret that could destroy the world, and it's in your hands:
<<chunk, gurgle, and other semi-gruesome sound-effects...>>
Attention. You will please disregard this message. The man who sent
it was a sick man who only meant to cause trouble. There is no such
place as Love, and certainly no such organisation as L.O.V.E. There
is, in short, no way anyone could possibly be in love.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form
M00seName: Goblin
Chapter Name: Lisa A. Withall
SCA-Name: Undecided (Viking persona)
Life Form: Vegged..
Sex: Male ___ Female _X_ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___
Purity Quotient: _78%_ on months that begin with Z...
Present Residence: 93-31 Clinic Drive
New Britain, CT 06051
(203)224-7835
Description:
Age: 20.000
Height: 5'4"
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Blue
Look mildly athletic and am an average looking mundane..often seen
dressed in jeans and sweatshirts...been sighted in medieval garb from
time to time..
Music: Vivaldi(four seasons), Dire Straits, Talking Heads,
Scottish and Irish songs, and Rock...
SCA Interests: Brewing, garb making, medieval cooking, armor making, sewing
fighting, and making friends.
Goals: To terraform the universe into a giant Twinkie-Farm/commune.
To get at least one issue of M00se Droppings out on time and
to visit with M00ses from all over the Galaxy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form
Chapter Name: Thomas Samuel Zemanian
Nickname(s): Spaceman Biff!, Sticklerod, Osbone, MacGyatron
Life Form: "Life?!!! You call this a Life??!!!"
Sex: Male Female ___ When Appropriate XXX
Net Address: See M00selists Purity Quotient: 174.32 ppb.
Description: 220 lbs of rock solid wimp over an avertebral
(spineless) cartilaginous framework molded into
the spirit and image of the guy who used to do the
voice for Charlie the Tuna on the old Starkist com-
mercials before Phil Silver did, only rotated by 90 deg.
Favourite Saying: "When in Rome, do as the Parisians do"
Other Stuff: I like to fish, brew beer, elucidate the equilibria
of high pressure hydrocarbon mixtures, play bass
guitar, handbells, and the inscrutable Tuned Squid,
and in my spare time I make decorative tie-tacs out
of my neighbor's discarded olive pits and SS 304
hose clamps.
Well that's about it. Oh yeah, watch out, piscine world! Lord Trelf
caught a fish recently, and his zeal for piscinocapturotology shows
no signs of abating in the near future. (I must say, though, that I
prefer alluring to abating when I go fishing, but that's just my angle.)
Long Live Lord Trelf! Seig Heil den GrossenZwerg! Viva la Cucharacha
Grande! Omelette du Fromage'! (Those darn French.)
Still Lost In The Ozone,
--Spaceman Biff!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Noah's Ark Edition-Noah's Ark Edition-Noah's Ark Edition-Noah's Ark Edition-Noah
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magazines/M00SE/m00se28
+431
View File
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BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #28| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | June 30, 1989
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Having just seen the Bat on friday there really isn't much to say except WOW..
"He has such nice toys.."(The Joker)
- Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
- SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This just in: A thr0ng of approximately eleven m00ses was seen at the East
Hartford Showcase Cinemas on Friday, the 23rd of June. Some of them were caught
by the Channel 8 News cameras. They fl0cked through the d00rs to catch Batman
on opening night. M00ses from the Wesleyan, CCSU and Hartford Thr0ngs attended.
The m0vie received five bl00ps from Thr0ngel and M00sebert.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRT's contact DICKSON@HARTFORD.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings my fellow M00ses!
Due to several occurences recently [and in the future] I've decided
upon something. After learning in my Prophecies that I am to become
a deity in the future, and that Spaceman Biff! [who is NOT a wimp...I wouldn't
want to wrestle him over a fish head] declaring "Long Live Lord Trelf", I've
decided to declare my own Church - "The Followers of His High Holy Trelfness".
This church, and it's followers, will make it's goals to be these - the
improvment of the shelling and cooking of mollusks, especially those
unwashed infidels the Scallops [OOOOOOHHHHH], the bettering of techiniques
designed to cause the decapitation of fish [namely, bait fishing], and
the lining of my pockets with cold hard cash.
Holy Symbol : The head of a rainbow trout sitting on a can of Foster's Beer.
Holy Colors : Cobalt Blue, White, and [what the hell] mauve.
Entrance into the order:
Very Simple - First, thou must watch the movie "Excalibur". Next,
thou must watch the video of Sam Kinison's "Wild Thing" 300 times in
a row while drinking Foster's beer and ripping the heads from Rainbow
trout. [Be sure to place the fish heads on top of the empty cans]. After
this, you should see the light and flock to me...but before you flock,
be sure to surrender over to me all bank accounts, credit cards, and rebate
stickers.
Gifts of Lord Trelf:
Remember, His High Holy Trelfness, Lord Trelf, is a most kind and
benevolent spiritual leader, and will grant many gifts to his followers.
These include eternal happiness, peace of mind, free love [a small nominal
fee], contentment, and this beautiful yet fuctional 20-IN-1 digital watch.
So come to me, my M00ses, flock to my banner and revel in my Trelfness.
The universe and all eternity will be yours!
Copyright: 1989, Ronco Enterprises
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Another song from those musical m00ses...
Have you ever seen a m00se,
fearless and brave,
calm and couth?
Have you ever seen him run,
scared and cowardly,
from a large gun?
Have you ever seen him eat,
large portions of hay,
and gleaming wheat?
Have you ever seen him rest,
in the meadow or forest,
at his personal best?
Have you ever seen him fight,
another m00se or c0w,
in the day or night?
Have you ever found a m00se,
that could be your friend,
all hip and loose?
If you have, you've passed the test,
you've found your calling,
You're one of the best.
Bl00p!
*BritM00se*
&
**Mel0dy the Musical M00se**
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
More Star Trash...
********************************************************************************
Data:Captain, there is an alien life form on your head!
Picard:Nonsense, Data. I simply have a (sigh) full head of hair again.
Data:Nevertheless, it could be dangerous. I suggest we go to the medlab for
some tests.
Troi:Captain, I am feeling...
Riker:You're feeling Wesley. Hands off, kid.
Wesley:Gosh, sir, sorry.
Worf:Hmmm. Giordi, is this look ME?
Giordi:Looks good to me, Worf.
Data:Captain, I must insist. If nothing else, the Chief Medical Officer has
not yet appeared in this episode, and this provides an opportunity for
your smoldering potential romance to receive more screen time.
Picard:No, I can handle this. As you were. Number one, you have the helm.
{Captain's Cabin}
Wesley:Knock knock
Picard:Come, no no, stop thinking about Troi, ensign.
Wesley:Yessir. Well, sir, I was wondering about the alien life form you have
on your head.
Picard:Yes, what about it?
Wesley:Well, sir, Troi says she feels unhappiness radiating from it in great
waves, sir. The one on Worf is apparently happy, but yours is ill,
sir.
Picard:Nonsense, Wesley. I have perfect faith in Counselor Troi's legs, make
that abilities, but this time she is mistaken.
{The alien life form slides off Picard's head, obviously kaput}
Picard:Medteam to the Captian's quarters on the double. Emergency!
{Close with closeup shot of Picard's anguished face}
********************************************************************************
{The Medlab}
Pulaski:Well, it's definitely dead.
Picard:What killed it?
Data:Analysis indicates that the buildup of polishing materials on your scalp,
Captain, was toxic to the organism.
Picard:That's ridiculous.
Data:Captain, you command a ship crewed by an android, a yuppie Klingon, the
bastard son of James T. Kirk, a blind helmsman, the most precocious
humanoid geek in the galaxy, and a walking biorhythms machine, and you
have the gall to call ANYTHING ridiculous?
Picard:Point taken, Data. Number Two?
Crew:Umm, who's that, I dunno, what number are you?
Picard:Never mind. Where's Worf? We must confiscate and examine his lifeform
before it's too late.
Worf:Growl. You called, Captain?
Picard:Yes, Lt. Worf. You must remove the life form from your head and
surrender it to Dr. Pulaski here for examination. One of the creatures
has already died and before anything else happens, I want to know
what's going on.
Worf:Yes, sir (Tries to take it off but it won't budge) Captain, the organism
is attached to my head. Growl!
Data:As I am an android, sir, perhaps I could give it a try, seeing as my
strength is greater than that of any lifeform.
Picard:Go right ahead, Data.
(Data rips the Toupee off Worf's head and suddenly the ship
starts to shudder, red lights sound, and the camera
goes 37 degrees to the left)
Giordi:Data, I told you to cut that stuff out!
Wesley:(Over the intercom)Captain, we're under attack! Gosh!
Picard:We're on our way. Picard out. Let's go, people
{Closing shot of Picard's determined face}
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
June 19, 1989
Bl00p! Spaceman Biff! here.
Okay, after having taken on clams, scallops (oooh), fishkilling,
Saturday Morning Star Trek, Quantum Love, and the Phone Company, it's
time to address the evolution question. Specifically, why do some men
have chest hair and others not? The accepted answer has been that chest
hair is a vestigial tie to our simian past (the When-Our-Ancestors-
Jumped-Down-From-The-Trees-Some-Jumped-Farther-Than-Others theory, first
put forward by Lt. Dr. Coffman, Seoul, Korea, 1956). However, of the
hundreds of stone figurines unearthed from our prehistoric past, NOT ONE
has had deer fur, hemp,etc. glued to its chest to simulate chest hair.
In fact, the earliest reference to chest hair is that in the bible, when
Esau, a swarthy and hairy dude, was cheated out of his inheritance for a
bowl of soup (noone ever said hairy=brainy) by his brother, who was
jealous of the lush growth on his bosom (pardon). The conclusion is
obvious; chest hair developed sometime between prehistoric time (June 19,
100,000 BC) and the Biblical age.
Now, normally, such mutations persist and dominate the earlier
species due to a biological advantage either created by the mutation or
imposed by the environment. However, jealous younger brats aside, there
has been no particular advantage to hairychestedness; and thus both
varieties of human male have persisted.
What, then, is chest hair for? I think I have discovered the
answer. It's for storing soap lather in the shower. Thus, with the
invention of the shower in the nineteenth century, a tremendous
biological advantage was created, favoring follicled fronts. For
example, men who can more effectively store soap under a coursing stream
of water will necessarily be cleaner, and thus more attractive to the
female of the species, and thus more likely to propagate. This is the
first known mutation that preceded the need by hundreds upon thousands
of years. In any case, I predict that "smoothies" will die out within
seven thousand years, and that the advantage will eventually be
developed through mutation by the female as well. Blissfully, I will be
dead by then.
I used no chemicals, my confusion is natural,
--Spaceman Biff!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In an exercise of pomposity and self-indulgent behavior, I am pleased to
announce the first installment in a perhaps-regular feature:
PICKLE REVIEWS THE MOVIES
The title above may change from issue to issue, however, as I feel equally
inclined to tell you how to feel about records and books. For now, however,
it's going to be a movie. So let's get right along with my review of...
DEAD POETS SOCIETY
This movie is incredible. By that, of course, I don't mean unbelievable,
I mean amazingly good. It reinforces a fact that is obvious to some of us
already: Literature and writing are the single most important subjects to
learn about in the entire universe.
Engineering and the like are "noble pursuits, and necessary to sustain
life," says Robin Williams in his role as English teacher John Keating. "But
poetry, beauty, love -- these are what we stay alive *for*."
I admit, it is difficult to take Robin Williams seriously at first. One
look at that face and all you can think of is "Hallloooooooo! Shut the fuck
up!" But as soon as he starts teaching his class, you start forgetting that he
is a stand-up comedian.
The other actors are also very good. Unfortunately, I don't recall any of
their names, and I haven't got a paper with me. But watch Neil, Todd, and
Charlie for exceptional performances. The young woman who plays Chris, The
Most Beautiful Girl Knox Overstreet Has Ever Seen In His Life And Who Rates
Pretty High Up On My Scale Too, does that job rather well. She acts, too, and
quickly convinces you that Knox *would* fall in love with her in a single
evening.
Oh, and RoboCop fans, look at Neil's dumb-ass father! Recognize him?
That's right! It's our buddy Clarence Boddicker (sp?), meanest crime-boss in
town! The man is slime, and I hope I see him on-screen a lot more.
What more can I say? I know. The photography is amazing, and the music
is very good. But I think that's about all I can say without giving too much
away. Now, how shall I rate films? I know....
DEAD POETS SOCIETY: BL00P BL00P BL00P BL00P BL00P
That'll be the highest rating I give. If I use some other animal sound
besides that of the majestic m00se, you'll know I really hated it.
You know, this is fun. And it was kind of short, so I think I'll go on.
Now, for Pickle's videotape review of the day:
EVIL DEAD II
This movie is great! I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes! Easily
the funniest movie I've seen all year, probably the funniest since Roger
Rabbit. I have to thank fellow founding m00se Mike Harm for making me watch
this one.
Some background: Evil Dead was a very bad horror film made more than ten
years ago. Some bozo said, "Hey....let's get the same lead actor, rebuild the
set, and make a sequel."
Somebody else, not without justification, pointed out that the first movie
had really sucked goose eggs.
"So, we'll have fun with this one," the bozo said.
Man, did they! I hear that for one scene, where blood is supposed to
squirt out of a hole in a wall, they bought the wrong pump. Blood gushes out
of every possible opening on that side of the room with approximately the force
of a firehose. When they saw the result, the film makers said, "what the hell?
It's funnier that way."
The lead actor is perfect. Faking (obviously) tears for his girlfriend
one minute, looking like a deranged Mel Gibson Road Warrior the next, laughing
in a stark, raving mad fashion at another point, he gets put through hell in
this movie and makes you love every sadistic minute of it. The scene where his
hand gets possessed and beats him senseless with dishes is hysterical. Even
better is when he starts a chainsaw with his teeth and amputates the offensive
little critter, shouting "WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?! WHOOO'S LAUGHING NNOOOWWWW?!?!?"
And that's just the beginning. It gets FAR more deranged, entertaining, and
laugh-riot-ish later on.
The great thing about this movie is that, while we all like to rent bad
movies and laugh at them, this one was made just for that purpose. And so you
can't really say it's bad. It's not a horror film, it's a gruesome comedy, and
a damn funny one.
Only problem with the movie is that they don't tell you that the first
five minutes is a condensed version of the first movie. So when you rent this,
bear in mind that the whole section up until the front door of the house
explodes and the camera rushes toward the main character, and he turns around
and screams, is intro. Yeah, I know it's a bad sentence. Go write your own
movie reviews.
I've heard the first movie isn't worth seeing even as background, so I
haven't watched it. Evil Dead II is thoroughly enjoyable without it.
EVIL DEAD II: BL00P BL00P BL00P BL00P
This has been your roving entertainment critic/cynic/snob. If you
disagree with me, your artistic opinions are obviously not worth a damn.
NOTE: The snobbish, mildly offensive attitude in these reviews is simply part
of getting into character for the reviewing business. Don't take it personally.
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******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
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W W ^ W W
WW WW / \ WW WW
WWWWWW/ \WWWWWW
/ {0} \
/ \
/ VVVVVVV \
/ ^^^U^^^ \
/_____________\
Chapter Name: B0liver Shagnasty Chapter (formerly Din0m00se Chapter)
Grand P00bah: Christopher Weller
Bullm00se: C. Weller
Treasurer: Toph "Mad Dog" Weller
Thr0ng: Wilfed Hyde-White thr0ng (formerly Trinity Throng)
Nickname(s): Black Adder, Roach, Dark Qvelle, Hey, You!
Life Form: I'm receiving strange readings, Captain.....
Positions of
Importance: Jester, Trinity Fantasy Guild; High Priest of Isaac Azathoth
bullm00se of Wilfred Hyde-White thr0--
I WON'T INTERRUPT THIS ID FILE FOR A POUND.
Sex: Okay, come round my place about 11:30. BYO Mayonaise.
Net Adress: CWELLER@TRINCC Purity Quotient: 55.5% (2/89)
Description: Carbonbasedbipedalcaucasian of Half(insertpointyearraceof
yourchoice) descent approxiamtelyfivefootninebyonehundredfifty
poundsBrownhairBlueeyesand twelvetentacle-likeappendages.
Favourite Saying: "If you can't say anything nice about anyone, come sit
next to me."
--somebody
Religion: Relaxed Agnostic. Dunno the answers, ain't lookin' too hard.
Patron dieties: Elvis, Isaac Azath0th
Pet: Lord Siegfried Montgomery Lizardo a fuckin' pesky ferret.
Activities: Trinity College Fantasy Guild (Veep), RPG's (ADND,
Champions, Star Wars), Comic Books, Scifi, Movies, Books,
Writing, Interactive Literature.
College Info: Trinity College (Hartford CT) Class of 91
Major: East Asian Studies (Nihongo o hanashimaska?)
Other: kimble grumble knock vent whoop! Whoop! Finercrimson
duck duck nurley wang tang Chocobar Galactica!
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FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD
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The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form
Chapter Name: Kendall Rush
Nickname(s): Satan,Mentat Mode(a Dune(the series) reference), Rasta
Life Form: Subconscious Projection
Sex: Male by birth, Heterosexual By Choice, Monogomist by
Neccessity
Net Address: v096jbxl@ubvmsd Purity Quotient: 64%
but I'm trying
Description: 6'3, ex-high school footballer (lineman), brown eyes,
and black hair, known to be a charmer.
Favourite Saying: "Every body wants to go to heaven but no one wants to die"
"I hear ya... i'm withya... a thousand points of light."
Other Stuff: I like any form of music as long as it's not redundant
and/or you can dance to it. Really fond of Reggae and
African Folk as well as Afro-pop.
I can usually found with my nose in a book.
I like hard core punk and when asked how come I
don't look like a punker, my favorite answer is,
"I'm a non-conformist, and in order to prove my
non-conformity you expect me to conform to what
society believes a non-conformist should look like,
and only until I conform to what society thinks, does
the punk community of the place consider me a
non-conformist. This my friend is a what we call a catch
22 there fore I look like i do because I refuse to
be like anyone says I should be or expects me to be.
I try for true non-conformity."
P.S.
I'm also known for thinking too much and/or for my
Philisophical Bullshit.!
May The Circle Be Unbroken,
Mentat M00se
Of The U.B. Giga-Throng
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #29| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | Sept. 5, 1989
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings all!
Well, this is the Back-to-school issue as well, I guess... Some of you may
have tried to send messages to us and had them bounce (most of the messages
made it through, but some people say they sent messages which we never
received) because our node was up and down all summer.
I've heard (from a fairly reliable source) that Sylvester Stallone wishes to
play the lead role in a movie about Edgar Allen Poe. Can anyone else
corroborate? (Does anyone have time to imagine what this may lead to? If so,
send us an article on it...) Sounds almost like Danny DeVito playing the
Penguin... it just doesn't mesh in my mind...
If you aren't on the mailing list, send me a message telling me so :)
If you ARE, and no longer wish to be, send a message as well. Please note that
all submissions should to to *GOBLIN* (her address is below). All
administrative business is my bailiwick, so address all such mail to me. If
you are on the Internet, my address is LEE_JES%CTSTATEU.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU.
Well, so much for rain... (Frank, call those rain gods back!)
- Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (BITNet)
- SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (BITNet)
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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Looking: Seeking people in CT or surrounding area to respond and request a
thr0ng-a-th0n! Send mail to WITHALL@CTSTATEU if interested. I want to set a
date for it and time. - Goblin
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Reports of a Mini-Thr0ng-A-Th0n taking place in Connecticut have been proven
true. Those of you interested contact WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Goblin).
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The M00se Illuminati T-shirts are now underway!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRTs contact DICKSON@HARTFORD.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Wanted: Slow dull witted waterbed looking for newt as a companion.
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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Fellow M00ses, Bl00pers, Bl00mers, and B0ss0ms,
[c'mon...didn't any of you ever read Bloom County???geeeesh]
Anwyay, In light of happenings in recent weeks, I, Lord Trelf, have
been moved by my poetic [and burly] muse to put my ever-thraining thoughts
to words...and in that light, I present to you.....
Ode To Rain What Keeps Us From Ripping The Heads Off Fish
___ __ ____ ____ _____ __ ____ _______ ___ _____ ___ ____
Oh Rain! Oh Downpour!
Oh Demonic Condensation Of The Nether Hells!
It's you what keeps me from my alloted task -
that of ripping the heads from poor unsuspecting fish!
Your myriad drops fall upon my head
and frighten the little fishies from the
Surface of the still waters -
waters still no longer thanks to your
large bulbous drops which do splash and splatter
on the surface of the once-still waters,
causing them to bubble and ripple,
ceasing their silky stillness.
Oh Rain! Oh Ye Spiteful Bastard!
Forcing me home to a most bland dinner
of Hamburger Helper - damn that sentient hand!
Oh for Fish Florentine! or Fish Picante!
Or maybe even a [dare I pray?]
A Cajun Blackened Red Snapper -
Oh how I long for these as I stare at
that smirking Hand.
Oh the Joys I could have were it not for
you,
Oh Rain What Keeps Us From Ripping The Heads Off Fish!
Oh Rain, Oh Unmerciful Wrath of the Gods!
Why do you torment me so?
Me, who wants only to dwell in the sublime pleasures
one can only achieve by twisting and ripping the
head of a hapless trout or bass from it's
non-existent shoulders!
Speak to Me! Tell unto me thy reasons!
Oh Rain What Keeps Us From Ripping The Heads Off Fish!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
And now, more prophesies from the ever-musculaturing [working in a
shipping and receiving department will do this to you] High Lord Trelf.
July:
Massive earthquakes strike Burma, Moscow, Berlin, and California
as Dom DeLuise and Luciano Pavarotti simultaneously trip and fall to the
ground. The death toll stands at 326,571.
The Dark Queen issues a new edict: "Thou shalt not take My Name
in thrain." Confusion runs rampant through the lands as the populace tries
to figure out the meaning of this new law. Some theories suggest Her
Darkness hiccuped while uttering the law, which should have been "Thou
shalt not take my name in the rain", while others think it meant "Thou
shalt not split my brain in twain." Still others thought she said "Thou
shalt not pretend I'm Mark Twain," and a small faction located in the
Bronx thought she said "Yo! When's the next train?"
Elvis Presley, Consort to The Dark Queen, met on the field of battle
with King Richard of the Low Body-Fat Content. The battle was long and bloody,
but in the end King Richard was successful, thwarting Elvis' hip thrusts
with a springing leapt over the over-weight ex-singer-turned-love-slave,
landing on his shoulders and screaming into his ears at an incomprehensibly
annoying pitch. As a result, large sections of Western Europe are now under
the control of King Richard.
August:
Ever single televangelist on Chearth [Earth renamed by The Dark Queen]
was struck dead instantly by a blast whose origin is estimated to have come
from the moon. The moon is the area believed to be the new abode of
High Lord Trelf, figure of legend who some believe is now back in this
universe and is hoped to come back to the land and depose The Dark Queen.
While leaving a New York hotel, Bob Geldoff was shot in the head
42 times. This did not even make the trailer story of the evening news.
Surprisingly, the trailer for the evening news that night told the
story of Irma Lipshutz, an elderly Philadelphia women who had taught
her pet pit bull too {**CENSORED DUE TO OBSCENE LANGUAGE, PERVERSE
NOTIONS, AND THE TAKING OF THE DARK QUEEN'S NAME IN THRAIN**}
That's all for now, ladies, gentlemen, m00ses, and others......
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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A friend of mine and I were shooting the breeze the other day and we came up
with an idea on how to start a new country. A group of people would purchase
an uninhabited island from Great Britain with the intention of setting it up as
an independant nation within the British Commonwealth (similar to Australia or
Canada). I am looking for advice on how to raise capital, who to contact
within the British government, which island would be best, or whatever else I
(and whoever I am working with) need to know.
I am serious about doing this, so unless you are willing to actually work,
please don't bother responding to this. This is not meant to insult anyone,
but I'm just trying to discourage those who would not be fully commited to the
cause.
I await your replies.
Joe Claffey
CLAFFEY_JOR at CTSTATEU
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Folkses...and you others,
Greetings! Lord Trelf here. Just had some thoughts I wished to share
with you all...
In the last issue, Spaceman Biff [May his Foster's Can never Empty,
and may his Samuel Smith Taddy Porter never lose it's Tad!!] put
forth his thoughts on the evolution of chest hair on certain members
of the male gender of the human species. [Of which I am proud to be a member,
sporting such a fine weave of hair on my chest that I do...]
I do not wish to refute the Biffer's findings, as I'm sure they are true,
but I wish to present what I think to be a logical albeit paranoid explanation
for the bushy male chest. Now think, all you out there with hair on your
chest: When a woman gets mad at you, what's one of the first things she does,
should you be so unlucky as to be wearing an open shirt, or worse yet, no
shirt at all? Why, she immediately starts pulling you around by your chest
hair! [And only someone with a truly hairy torso can understand the pain
this involves] Now think: Could it be, dear friends, that male chest hair
may have been placed there BY women, to give them yet something else
to drag us around by?
Now, I know you are all saying that I'm being paranoid, but think about
It. Why do only MEN have chest hair? Why do only women pull men around BY
their chest hair? Food for thought....[Or maybe Follicles for Frollicking?]
Yours incogneato,
His High Holy Lord Trelf
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
More trek...from wesleyan...
Data:Captain, there is an alien life form on your head!
Picard:Nonsense, Data. I simply have a (sigh) full head of hair again.
Data:Nevertheless, it could be dangerous. I suggest we go to the medlab for
some tests.
Troi:Captain, I am feeling...
Riker:You're feeling Wesley. Hands off, kid.
Wesley:Gosh, sir, sorry.
Worf:Hmmm. Giordi, is this look ME?
Giordi:Looks good to me, Worf.
Data:Captain, I must insist. If nothing else, the Chief Medical Officer has
not yet appeared in this episode, and this provides an opportunity for
your smoldering potential romance to receive more screen time.
Picard:No, I can handle this. As you were. Number one, you have the helm.
{Captain's Cabin}
Wesley:Knock knock
Picard:Come, no no, stop thinking about Troi, ensign.
Wesley:Yessir. Well, sir, I was wondering about the alien life form you have
on your head.
Picard:Yes, what about it?
Wesley:Well, sir, Troi says she feels unhappiness radiating from it in great
waves, sir. The one on Worf is apparently happy, but yours is ill,
sir.
Picard:Nonsense, Wesley. I have perfect faith in Counselor Troi's legs, make
that abilities, but this time she is mistaken.
{The alien life form slides off Picard's head, obviously kaput}
Picard:Medteam to the Captian's quarters on the double. Emergency!
{Close with closeup shot of Picard's anguished face}
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******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Name : Philip D. Noah
Nick name(s) : Arizona
M00se nick : Arizona M00se
M00se's name : Claudette
Net Address : bitnet : in%"V115GWE6@UBVMS.BITNET"
: wwiv net : 295 @ 7654
Sex : x_ male __female __No, I'm British
Purity Quotient : 81 %
Description : I stand almost 2 meters tall (6' 3")
and weigh about 63 Kg (140 lb). Blue eyes
and blondish/brown hair.
Favourtie saying: Fair's Fair.
Likes : M00se watching, reading M00se droppings
having lunch with pretty m00se's, Bl00ping,
,watching old movies and doing fun m00sey things.
Why I do what I
do : Well someone has to be me....and no one else
wants to be me so i'm stuck with the job.
Famous last words: Can't think of anything else to put down.
Bl00P !
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #30| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | Nov 1, 1989
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi!
Bl00p to all, and all that rot. ;^)
In case you are wondering why this is the Pirated Issue, it is because
I, Patrick Salsbury, a.k.a. DangerM00se, a.k.a. WarM00se, have taken over the
editorship of this here fine newsletter! It all began a week or so back, when I
got this letter in the mail.
Oh! I remember it so clearly! I was sitting with RiffM00se on some
throw-pillows in my apartment, madly trying to learn how to play ILLUMINATI!, by
Steve Jackson Games, when this message appeared on my screen....
**************************BEGIN MISTY DREAM SEQUENCE****************************
Date: Fri, 20 Oct 89 13:48 EDT
From: "Running on coffee and willpower." <DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET>
Subject: Hi Pat...
To: v291nhtp@UBVMS.BITNET
Pat, let's say you happened to gain control of the most powerful literary
propaganda newsletter in the world. One that, theoretically, was mailed out
to a bunch of people on BITNET once a week. How good a job do you think you
could do at revitalizing the not-so-ancient-but-extremely-powerful M00se
Illuminati?
If you catch my drift....
Later,
Bill
***************************END MISTY DREAM SEQUENCE*****************************
...Yeah. It's still clear in my mind, as if I had just read it again. :)
ANYWAY! There you have it. The M.I. was in a slumber, but I have come to
awaken thee! (The WHAT? you might ask, to which I will deftly reply: "Don't be
so damn literal!)
In any event, this issue is coming from my own personal archives of
weirdness, the bowels of my literary directories, and such. I only have enough
stuff in there to make about 17 more issues of 'Droppings, so I suggest you all
start submitting things real quick! Or else you'll suffer!... ;^)
-Patrick Salsbury
-DangerM00se
-WarM00se
-Etc.
V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What with the new location of M.D. Headquarters being in the lo-cal
(diet permeates all of our society nowadays) of the UB GIGATHR0NG at the State
University of NY at Buffalo, and seeing as I am the Bull M00se and FOUNDER of
the UB *GIGA*THR0NG, and as *I* was the one who BROUGHT the word of THE GLORIOUS
M00SE ILLUMINATI to ALL of the MILLIONS OF CHEERING MINIONS in **BUFFALO, NY**
...Ahem...Megalomania check!...Ah! That's better! :) Where was I? Oh yes!
Being as we are now in Buffalo, we are going to make production of M.D.
a group effort. (YOU HEAR THAT, GUYS? YOU'RE GONNA *HELP*! ;^) ) Thereby, I
won't freak out of my gourd, and we may even actually get this beast up to a
weekly status!
Right now, I'm taking submissions & such. My address is above. Darkling
M00se is going to handle the Chapter List. So any new chapters or changes should
be reported to him. His address is:
V123NKUX@UBVMS.BITNET
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
FLAG-BURNING!
Yes, one of the other recent developments here at UB has been a VERY
active discussion of the new bill against flag-burning. We have been discussing
various means of protesting this bill. From an out-and-out burning, to the
wearing of the flag, draped around us like our President did when he visited the
flag factory while on the "Campaign Trail". This would be, in my opinion, more
in line with the goal of the M.I. of confusing everyone. People couldn't call us
un-American or non-patriotic, and they wouldn't really know how to react to a
flag-wearer! :)
We are considering trying to make this a national event. Getting m00ses
and other similarly minded people (gak! are there OTHERS like us?) to organize
through the Net and all wear flags on their campuses on the same day. Maybe one
of our illustrious staff-reporters here at UB would like to make a report in the
next issue? [Captain Devious, perhaps?] (That's a hint! :-) )
[Just got this from Devious today.]
From: UBVMS::V061REGM "CAPTAIN DEVIOUS" 31-OCT-1989 11:01:06.95
Subj: protest update
Description: flags'n'stuff
FLAG BURNING STATUS REPORT
The Flags: We're getting a bunch of little paper flags from a party store
to burn. I'll find out how much they are, and whoever wants to can
chip in.
The set-up: I have yet to get in contact with the necessary groups. I'm
checking P.S. today or tomorrow, and I'm hoping that Thom will get
me the list of possible groups together.
The date: The protest date is tentatively set back to Friday, 11/10.
The figuring is that a) more people will be in Founder's on friday, and
b) we probably won't get everything together till then.
The hype: The press releases will be done by tomorrow. Send out by this
friday at the latest. A copy will be posted here, on POLITICS, and
wherever else i feel like putting them. I need help with flyers.
The Group: This demonstration will be the kick-off of a new organization,
the Thousand Points of Light. We will be a pro-rights discordian
organization, affiliated with the Secret Society, and possibly the
M-I, A.P.E., and the third church of Eris whatever. (guys, get
back to me on this)
The network: Kidd Vicious and the other S.S. members cross-country will be
notified of these things, and great things will be afoot. Whoever
is in charge of the M-I network should disperse info quickly, also.
more later...
CAPTAIN DEVIOUS!
O
+
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ANARCHY!
We've been promoting anarchy here at UB, also. Having a nice, heated
debate on our POLITICS bulletin board. (And I think we are winning!) Here are
some things I posted:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The following is an excerpt from "Never Whistle While You're Pissing", by
Hagbard Celine, as quoted in "The ILLUMINATUS! Trilogy", by Robert Shea and
Robert Anton Wilson. (pp. 622-624)
DEFINITIONS AND DISTINCTIONS
FREE MARKET: That condition of society in which all economic
transactions result from voluntary choice without coercion.
THE STATE: That institution which interferes with the Free Market
through the direct exercise of coercion or the granting of privileges (backed by
coercion).
TAX: That form of coercion or interference with the Free Market in which
the State collects tribute (the tax), allowing it to hire armed forces to
practice coercion in defense of privilege, and also to engage in such wars,
adventures, experiments, "reforms," etc., as it pleases, not at its own cost,
but at the cost of "its" subjects.
PRIVILEGE: From the latin /privi/, private, and /lege/, law. An
advantage granted by the State and protected by its powers of coercion. A law
for private benefit.
USURY: That form of privilege or interference with the Free Market in
which one State-supported group monopolizes the coinage and thereby takes
tribute (interest), direct or indirect, on all or most economic
transactions.
LANDLORDISM: That form of privilege or interference with the Free Market
in which one State-supported group "owns" the land and thereby takes tribute
(rent) from those who live, work, or produce on the land.
TARIFF: That form of privilege or interference with the Free Market in
which commodities produced outside the State are not allowed to compete equally
with those produced inside the State.
CAPITALISM: That organization of society, incorporating elements of tax,
usury, landlordism, and tariff, which thus denies the Free Market while
pretending to exemplify it.
CONSERVATISM: That school of capitalist philosophy which claims
allegiance to the Free Market while actually supporting usury, landlordism,
tariff, and sometimes taxation.
LIBERALISM: That school of capitalist philosophy which attempts to
correct the injustices of capitalism by adding new laws to the existing laws.
Each time conservatives pass a law creating privilege, liberals pass another law
modifying privilege, leading conservatives to pass a more subtle law recreating
privilege, etc., until "everything not forbidden is compulsory" and "everything
not compulsory is forbidden."
SOCIALISM: The attempted abolition of all privilege by restoring power
entirely to the coercive agent behind privilege, the State, thereby converting
capitalist oligarchy into Statist monopoly. Whitewashing a wall by painting it
black.
ANARCHISM: That organization of society in which the Free Market
operates freely, without taxes, usury, landlordism, tariffs, or other forms of
coercion or privilege. RIGHT ANARCHISTS predict that in the Free Market people
would voluntarily choose to compete more often than to cooperate. LEFT
ANARCHISTS predict that in the Free Market people would voluntarily choose to
cooperate more often than to compete.
********************************************************************************
Typed By Patrick G. Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET> on Sat., October 28, 1989
********************************************************************************
From: V291NHTP
Date: 28-OCT-1989 22:01:43
Description: RE: Anarchy Definitions
And there you have the definition of anarchy that I work by. When you
look at it, it really isn't all that bad. Granted, we can't have it, given the
current mentality of our society, but that may change someday.
As I typed that in, I realized something rather profound. TRUE
anarchists (not those fools who just go around spraypainting the "A"-in-a-circle
anarchy symbol on walls because it's a trendy thing to do) are Global Citizens.
They feel no fealty to any one nation, but rather think of all humans as equal.
(Unless, of course, they feel slightly smug about being intelligent enough not
to blindly follow a government like sheep. ;^) ) They can think in terms of an
entire planet, whereas "subjects" are confined to thoughts of "us" and "them".
What's more, the planet will never reach a state of true harmony with a
unified, planetary government while people cling to ideas of patriotism and
nationality. Therefore, I put forward the idea that TRUE anarchists are at a
level of maturity where they respect each person's individuality and rights,
and don't need the protective umbrella of a government to "keep them in line".
They have "grown up" and are capable of acting as adults should. Perhaps, as
I've hinted at, TRUE anarchy is somewhere down the road in the direction of
Global Citizenry, where people don't need rules telling them what they can and
cannot do, but they know how to "behave themselves" without threats of penalty.
If that is the case, then anarchists are the next stage in human evolution, and
are just a bit ahead of their time at the present.
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I met some m00ses over the summer at the Sterling Renaissance Faire in
Sterling, NY. I met Lord Trelf, Half-Elf, Scamp (A Scamp-Sighting!), Gypsy-Lynx,
and some others I've forgotten. (Sorry!)
Maybe they will collaberate and write a story/thing about the meeting!
(Boy! If you people aren't catching the hints I'm lobbing at you, you're worse
off than I thought!) I'll add my bit when they submit it to me. :)
-Pat (again)
{Why do I get the
feeling I'm talking
to myself?}
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Oh, This is Halloween, as I write this bit. I realized the significance
of this date, and thought, "maybe I should try to get it out a day early", but
I've been having problems figuring out how to mail it out to all of you people,
so it won't be there on Halloween. :-( (It's 10.27 pm EST, now, so I'm fairly
certain of this. Hell! It may not even be out on the first! Maybe I'm just going
to amuse myself with this, and never be able to mail it out! :-)
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
5.52 pm EST, Nov. 2nd. - I hate vague listservs that won't tell me
what's wrong! But Bill Dickson finally figured it out! It just wanted ALL
CAPITALS IN THE RETURN ADDRESS!!! Sheesh. What a stupid machine. Or is it me? :)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is from O.D.M00se. See that date? I TOLD you I had lotsa old stuff in my
files! :)
-Pat
Description: Another forgetable post by a certain vogon poet/ltd
From: V109MEN5 Date: 27-JAN-1988
ltd....the poem
ltd and fisheggs
ltd and dead sparrows
ltd and jimmy hoffa
ltd and the key grip from the making of the making of the filming of Jaws
ltd and ford motor company
green sausages
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 89 23:56:00 EDT
From: "L. Daniel York" <D_YORK@UNHH.BITNET>
Subject: *joke* Fish Spill at Exxon
Sender: "Biosphere, ecology, Discussion List" <BIOSPH-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: UNHH::M_SANGILLO 11-OCT-1989 16:52:50.70
To: D_YORK
Subj: Fish Spill Hits Exxon
|
| ALASKA PRESS INTERNATIONAL
|
| In a tragic accident at the Exxon corporate headquarters, the fish
| truck Prince William Express slammed into the side of the main
| building of the new corporate headquarters, spilling more than 20
| tons of dead herring, salmon, sea otters and various other wildlife
| onto the pristine lawn of the Exxon complex.
|
| Skipper Joe Woodhead was passed out in the sleeper compartment of the
| state-of-the art fish truck when the truck struck the clearly marked
| building. "Bobo", the skipper's dog, had the wheel at the time of the
| accident. Bobo, whose certification does not permit him to drive
| on planet earth, was unavailable for comment, and confirmed sources
| suggest he has a history of drug abuse.
|
| The skipper contends that he was not drunk at the time of the accident,
| but when he realized the seriousness of the spill he ran out to a
| local tavern and pounded down a half-dozen beers. Woodhead also
| contends that he told Bobo to give him a "Bud Light" not a "hard right."
|
| The President of Prince William Express Co. said that they would assume
| full responsibility for the spill and would submit a plan in about a
| month on the proposed clean-up procedure. He also stated that they
| ship over a million tons of seafood a year and that an accident like
| this is just the price we have to pay to eat fish.
|
| When asked about clean-up equipment for such a spill, company
| officials commented that a small pickup with a shovel in it was in
| Gopher Spits, Iowa, but had a flat tire and therefore would be unable
| to be dispatched to the scene.
|
| On the market side of things, fish prices will increase by 20% for all
| species.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: V061REGM
Date: 6-OCT-1989 09:53:38
Description: Secret Society Manifesto #1
SECRET SOCIETY MANIFESTO #1
---------------------------
BEING disgusted by the constant rip-offs being
perpetrated by such infamous musical institutions such as
Record Theatre, Camelot Records, etc., and
BELIEVING that all music should be done for the sake of
music alone, and not for any personal gain, monetary or
otherwise, and
BELIEVING that all people should be exposed to the
maximum variety of music possible, and
BELIEVING that all music should be available to the
public in general, with no profit gained by any party,
WE, the Secret Society hereby conspire to distribute
all available music to any or all available persons by any
means possible, and
ALTHOUGH this may be in violation of the copyright
laws of the United States and other nations, we propose to
do this by transferring copyrighted material onto blank
audio cassettes and distributing them to whomever desires
them, and by bootlegging until we are busted.
THESE practices shall hereby be known in our circles as
the Secret Society Music Exchange ( SSME - pronounced "sesame" )
SO BE IT!
(signed,)
CAPTAIN DEVIOUS, HIGH PRIEST
KIDD VICIOUS, MAGISTRATE
p.s. If you wish to use the SSME, contact
the Secret Society. If you don't know
who we are, FIND OUT!
O
+
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I found this on Alt.Sex.Bestiality ( ;^) ) and just KNEW it belonged here! I've
tried to contact this guy, and get his permission, but he hasn't responded yet.
Chalk up another one for the Pirated Issue!
I don't think this guy is a m00se, yet, but I think he belongs! :)
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
X-NEWS: ubvmsc alt.sex.bestiality: 9
Newsgroups: alt.sex.bestiality,alt.sex.bondage
Subject: An alternative story
From: sf1@rosemary.cs.reading.ac.uk (Fruitbat)
Date: 24 Oct 89 09:55:41 GMT
Organization: Comp. Sci. Dept., Reading Univ., UK.
Keywords: Fruitbats, leather
Summary: A kinky story
Lines: 56
Daydreams of a kinky fruitbat - All rights reserved
By Steven Fruitbat Foster
Helped, hindered and exhausted by
spo1: Inspiration, leather at 3am and Re: Altruism
shugoffa: For being cute and talking about nymphs a lot
whb1: 'You can't put THAT in your plan!!'
nab1: The sunglasses say it all
dwr1: Well, I HAD to educate him SOMEHOW
nrp1: He'd moan if I didn't mention him
potten@dec: 'A few ideas...'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kinky lubricated leather studded necrophiliac fruitbats liberally
smeared with mashed potato and tomato sauce, marinated at gas mark 4 and
whipped severely with a rubber glove and a sticky thong that has been
used by a band of nubile young wood nymphs glistening wetly in pools of
sun drenched lubricant for purposes of extreme nymphomania with a group
of pleasantly inebriated (and therefore uninhibited) elves practicing
various forms of bondage hanging by thongs from a tree which is covered
with thrash marks from a well-worn riding crop that has seen better days
with more vital and effervescent water nymphs who alas perished one
midsummers morning in the throes of extreme pleasure after experimenting
wildly with a rubber hose and an air compressor that was covered with KY
jelly and many other strange liquids, some of which occur naturally and
others which were stolen by a helpful goblin from the local Tesco to pay
the aforementioned water nymphs for some rather personal services that
they rendered him one day and he doesn't really like to talk about,
although unbeknowst to him there are some photos of the said occasion
currently waiting to be collected in the local photo-processing shop
eagerly awaited by the water nymphs so they can get some more jelly, or
it would have been, if they hadn't all perished that midsummer morning
but luckily leaving the riding crop behind for the benefit of the wood
nymphs and the elves who are still drunken and are now entering a state
of complete uninhibitedness which has caused even the tree to shut his
eyes in shock which is unusual for a tree, as they are usually pretty
thick barked, except, perhaps, this one, which has had most of the
stuffing knocked out of it by the riding crop, which, although it has
seen better days, is still capable of a good thrash, even though one end
needs gluing and the other end is now angled at forty-five degrees, ie,
thoroughly bent, which is what the casual observer would think the elves
were, if he didn't look closely at the wood nymphs on the tree, who were
doing stunningly odd things with paper clips that occur naturally,
seeing wood nymphs don't get served in Tesco for reasons of hygiene, as
they tend to drip various sticky substances over the meat counter, which
doesn't really matter, except for the fact that species discrimination
is very upsetting to various kinky necrophiliac fruitbats who only
really want to be loved and played with very roughly with a riding crop.
----------------------------- Sent to you by ----------------------------
sf1@rosemary.cs.reading.ac.uk | WHERE IS ALT.FRUITBAT!!!!!!!!!
foster%dec.jumbly@com.dec.decwrl@rl.earn | Is a homomorphism a gay lump
jumbly::foster, pobble::foster | of plasticine?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 31 Oct 89 15:18 EDT
From: "Good for your soul." <DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET>
Subject: Submission for M00se Droppings
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I do hereby pronounce Superguy Digest dead. Dangerousman has destroyed
Washington, D.C., and with it all superheroes who were (A) at the convention,
and (B) had no means of escape or protection (in other words, if you want your
character to still be alive, make something up).
All characters who have fallen into disuse are, therefore, dead. The only
surviving character I know of is Dangerousman. The slate is clean.
I hereby announce the beginning of: SUPERGUY II -- THE NEXT SEMESTER. If your
old character survived, start writing again. If you have a new character,
start writing. If you've never had a character, make one up and start writing.
Let's get this thing back off the ground.
Subscribers to this list will of course, be hearing the exploits of
Dangerousman, as he flees the government that created him for destroying their
home town.
But who else will be here? Did Qwyntor throw up a force field? Is the Awesome
Force still lurking around in western Connecticut? What of Trash Man, The
Armadillo? Will Superm00se join in the fun? Is Flatphoot still alive? How
about Punk With A Gun? Did the Stealth Beetle protect him? And what of
Dangerousman's fiancee, the lovely Relativity Woman?
And how about some new characters?
Let's all hope something's going on out there....
Pickle
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't have any m00se ids.... :-(
-Pat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will come once we get it all figured out. :)
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #31| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | Nov. 03, 1989
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************************* STAFF ************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se <V123NKUX@UBVMS.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hmm. Back again? Already? It seems like only yesterday I was mailing out
the last issue. (Maybe because it WAS only yesterday, as the @#&%$(@#% mailer
delayed everyting. (Hey, mon, me tinks I'll tok in de JaMAYca occent fo' a bit!)
Naw, too difficult.
Anyway, things seem to be coming along fine, I've gotten some
submissions, and the !#%@%^&($# mailer is FINALLY working, so you should be
getting this crap on a fairly regular basis. We are getting lots o' bouncebacks
from m00ses who have mysteriously disappeared...I think THEY got our fellow
m00ses!
For those of you who HAVEN'T read ILLUMINATUS! yet, I HIGHLY recommend
it! Go and buy a copy NOW! Otherwise, you won't truly appreciate the subversive
stuff we post here. :)
More stuff as I think of it....
-Pat "DangerM00se" Salsbury
<V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hey! I just realized that it's a Friday, and that 'Droppings usually
comes out on Friday! So, even though I just sent an issue yesterday, I thought
I'd confuse you all and send another! ;^)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's some thoughts on a way we can really cause some confusion and paranoia.
Anyone know where we can get rubber stamps made up? ;^)
-Pat
[Note: Text with a > preceding is from V115QRJ8@UBVMS - BlAcKDoG]
>Incidentally, following up on what me and Crissm00se were doing one day
>during Western Civ, me and Pat came up with getting rubber stamps, somewhat
>official looking, saying something to the effect that the bill is null&void
>, love, the treasury dept. If we get started we could deface all 20 billion
>odd $1 bills in a few decades. But if other people see them and catch on....
Yeah. I was reflecting a bit on this last night. We put something on a
stamp (with a nice, official looking border) that says:
"This bill has been reclaimed by the Treasury Dept. for destruction. Do
not honor, it is no longer legal tender."
And we start stamping them on all sorts of denominations of currency.
1,5,10,20,50-dollar bills...whatever we can get our hands on. Then we re-release
them into the system. (If we just do it with $1's & 5's, we can put them in
change machines, and then take change back to the back to get more bills! :)
:^)
And the thing is, once people see them, they will try to get rid of
them quickly and surreptitiously. They think that they are committing an
illegal act, and get all guilty and sneaky. They'll start trading them in to
stores and such, with the stamped side face down. Probably not realizing that
reclaimed bills are exchangeable for new ones. :)
And they'll feel like they've had something akin to a counterfeit bill
foisted on them, so they'll feel all cheated. Which will create feelings of
public unrest. And it will eventually make the news and waste lots of time as
they announce to the public that the bills are still legal, and that the
Treasury Dept. doesn't stamp bills, just burns them.
And...
And...
And...I think it's a pretty good idea, don't you? :)
>Tht's one of the great things about money,it shows one of the basic stupidities
>of the capitalist system. If this money is mine....how can it be a crime to
>deface it?! and if it belongs to the gov't, why the fuck am I taking it?
True! Wow! What a great thought! Are we thieves? Or just vandals? :)
-Pat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: V056QKT3@UBVMS
Date: 30-OCT-1989 16:02:02
Description: aaaaack!
And then... it happened.
Not that modern science would ever care, or not even that it would ever get
on the cover of playboy magazine, but I had just discovered the meaning of life,
the fire-side twinkie. That's right, the fire-side twinkie. Have you ever lost
a quarter in your pocket? Actually had it be there one minute, and gone the
moment before? This is the sign of a total mental imbalance, and may be treated
with 27 Alabama Slammers. Not to mention the lint-balls. Ugh!
Ever been to Guilderland NY?
...And you'll never go back, eh? What a shame. Really is a nice place. And
there sure are a lot of cute girls from there, but that is consequential, and
we shall therefore take that into no consideration whatsoever. Understood?
And now it's time for SPORTS!
Today, while fly-fishing, Mr. Jethro Q Walruss-titty was strangled to death.
It seems that a small whirlwind came up while he was casting, and wrapped it
around his neck 68 times.
And now for college football scoreas.
Syracuse 28 NYU 12
Georgetown 9 ABC 2.5
UCLA 22
MIT 3 to the 5th power!
And now a partial score...
Clemson 28
That's the news for this evening.
This is Dan Lather, not signing off.
where's that damn hold button?
I know it's here somewhere....
Is this it?
#$%^&, it wasn't!
Ah, here it is......
l0i0m00se.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From: V061REGM@UBVMS - CAPTAIN DEVIOUS!
Date: 31-OCT-1989 10:47:31
Description: osmo
SEMI-OFFICIAL M00SE RULES (FALL '89) FOR OSMOKINETICS!
------------------------------------------------------
1) Get together your semi-standard playing equipment: one 9-inch tensegrity,
eleven small steel balls, a towel, four bathtubs, a fresh package
of stale bread crumbs, and the American ambassador to Finland.
(only the first two are required for the basic version of the game.)
2) Place the tensegrity in the middle of the regulation-size playing area,
distribute the balls in accordance with rule, and, taking turns
in a clockwise fashion, starting with the beginning player, play
the game.
3) The object of OsmoKinetics is to play. If you want to win, then quit
(see rule #4) and go play parcheesi with your little sister. Also,
the play is to be as convincing looking as possible; that is, play
as if you were playing in front of a lot of people (which, by the
way, is the best way to play it), and are trying to make them think
there is actually a highly complex set of rules. Actually, the rules
are quite complicated, but that comes later.
4) To quit the game, leave.
5) The game ends when all players quit. This usually happens after a while
if players become bored, distracted, or discover that nobody is actually
watching them. When a game ends, it is generally done.
6) All rules after rule number 5 are complete nonsense and should be ignored,
if possible, or not if you want.
This concludes the semi-official rules of the game of OsmoKinetics,
version Fall '89.
Provided by: CAPTAIN DEVIOUS!
and
Inspired by: PAT SALSBURY
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From the Superguy list. Submitted by Lord Trelf
Subject: The Armadillo - Chapter One
***DISCLAIMER: Don't blame me or anyone else for anything. I fell down
a flight of stairs at any early age.***
Joe and Ed stood by the trash dumpster, catching a few smokes while on
their ten minute coffee break. The Texas sun was hot on their backs, and the
heat sizzled up from the cement. They were temp workers, and not happy about
it, but as they are only appearing in this story for a few paragraphs, don't
get overly concerned about their plight. They had been busy all morning
at the "Flatfoot Emporium", a retail store specializing in old detective pulps
and videotapes of "The Untouchables" and other similar media products of that
genre. [ For the unenlightened of you out there, the word 'genre' is a term
used by us smart-assed artistic types to mean lots of books, movies or
magazines rehashing the same old stuff.]
Apparently, the Emporium had been bought out by certain members of the PTL
board of trustees, and they were planning on turning the building into a Jim
and Tammy Faye Bakker Memorial Museum, in honor of the now late Bakkers, who
died in a tragic accident involving lengths of rope, a pound of butter, and
97 vials of mascara. This isn't important either, so don't get worried. What
IS important is that Joe and Ed had been ordered to remove all the videos,
magazines, and books from the premises and dump them somewhere, preferably far
away. This is what Joe and Ed had been doing all morning.
Finishing his smoke, Joe tossed it to the ground and crushed it under
his heal. Moving back toward the dumpster, he noticed a rat running out
from the dumpster. It was the same rat they had seen all morning, the one
they had affectionately named 'Willard'. "Gee," said Joe, "that rat seems to
be running off in the direction of Washington D.C."
"So what," said Ed. "Let's get finished. I got a bowling match tonight."
"Okay," said Joe.
By mid-afternoon they were finished, and took the dumpster to a far away
dump. They quickly dumped their not-so-precious cargo off the side of a small
hill and drove off into the quickly setting sun, unaware that they had just
dumped nearly a ton of Detective Genre books, magazines, and videos on a
pool of toxic waste. [Origin of waste unknown -- for now.]
The next morning, a small, non-descript armadillo was meandering his way
through the dump looking for his breakfast. He came across the pile of toxic
magazines, books and videos, said "What the hell?" in armadillo language, and
began to dig in. It wasn't particularly good eating, but he didn't expect to
find much better in a dump where the likes of Joe and Ed dumped things. After
chowing down for 20 minutes [he was a hungry armadillo], he decided to burrow
into the pile and sleep for a while. [Now, you're all out there yelling "NO!
Don't do it!" and the like, but remember, this is an armadillo, not a B-movie
bimbo, so of course he isn't going to understand you.]
Several hours later he woke up, and immediately realized something was
different. He tunneled out of the pile and stood up in the cool evening air.
Off to the side a more-or-less intact mirror stoo}id against a pile of junk, and
the armadillo walked over to it. Looking in, the image he saw shocked him. He
was now humanoid, standing roughly 5 feet 6 inches. He was still clad in armor,
but was now wearing a tan trench coat and a tan, beaten fedora. In a shoulder
holster sat a .38 revolver, well oiled. Rummaging through his coat pockets, he
came across a box of ammo in one and a bottle of cheap bourbon in the other. He
uncapped the bourbon and took a swig. "Smoooooth," he said, then was shocked to
find that he was speaking Human English, with an accent that was a cross between
Chicago and Bronx. [Erie to consider, eh?]
He looked off in a Northwesterly direction, knowing where his destiny
lay......The Big Apple.
Several Years Later...
[Right now you are probably asking why this story is suddenly jumping
several years into the future. I can answer that question by giving you
a description of our hero, who hereing is known as The Armadillo [or
Dillo Man by his friends]. On that fateful day when he ate and nested in a
pile of toxic Detective Genre media stuff, The Armadillo gained humanoid form,
sentience, and a taste for cheap bourbon. Those aren't all of his powers,
though. His body is still made up of armadillo armor, so he can take most
blows and gunshots with surprisingly little damage. His trench coat never
takes damage, nomatter how many shots it takes, and his fedora never falls
from his head. He has gained the proportional strength of an armadillo [what
are you laughing at? do you know how strong one must be to ALWAYS carry a
suit of armor around? thought that would make you straighten up in your seat.]
and unfortunately, the proportional speed of an armadillo, which explains why
our story leaps ahead in years.]
So, as I was saying... Several Years later...
She walked down the hall, apprehensive as all hell, but knowing she
had to do what she was{_ about to do. The dimly lit corridor smelled like a
zoo, and the floor was littered with fast-food wrappers. As the echo of her
high heels resounded through the hall [how can noise resound through a trash
filled corridor, which should normally absorb the sound? Don't ask me..all
I know is that it makes for a neat hollow deserted effect.] she stopped in
front of a wooden door with a smoked plate glass window. On the window were
written the letters A D A, which she knew to stand for the Armadillo Detective
Agency. Wondering how she could decide to use an agency with such a name,
she knocked on the door.
A flat, oddly accented voice answered. "Come in."
She opened the door and gasped upon looking at the form behind the desk.
"My God," she said. "You really ARE an armadillo! I thought that was just a
gimmick."
For his part, The Armadillo was quite taken aback when he saw her. She was
a statuesque blond with a body that would make a rat start living a clean life.
Her hair flowed freely over her shoulders, accenting her rather large
##CENSORED##. And her legs weren't bad either. He had to exert massive control
to keep his tongue from rolling onto the floor. {After all,} he thought, {what
flatfoot worth the name would show emotion over a dame.}
"I know it's a gimmick," he replied in a voice which sounded like it came
from a person who was born and raised in the Bronx, but had been living on the
South Side of Chicago for the past five yeears. "But it ain't mine..it's the
author's. I don't have any control over him."
"I understand," the woman said. "Ya' gotta help me, Mr. um, ah..."
"They call me The Armadillo," he said.
"Okay, Mr. um, Armadillo.."
"No," he interupted. "Not Mr. um, Armadillo. Just call me Mr. Dillo."
"Yes Mr. Dillo. Anyway, I'm in a lot of trouble, and ya' gotta' help me."
He watched the way she breathed when she talked. And the way she breathed
when she moved. And the way she breathed when she didn't move. He even watched
her when she didn't breate. {And to think of all those years I fooled around
with armadillos, when I coulda' been playin' the bagpipes with this one here.}
"Why are ya' in trouble, shweetheart?"
Mere moments later, as she was about to explain what her problems were,
a terrible explosion went off, knocking in the windows and shattering everything
in the room, including [presumably] our hero and the dame.
WHAT WAS THAT EXPLOSION?
DID THE ARMADILLO AND THE DAME SURRVIVE?
DOES "SHE" HAVE A NAME?
WILL THE ARMADILLO GET TO PLAY THE BAGPIPES WITH HER?
THE ANSWERS TO THESE AND OTHER EXCITING QUESTIONS CAN BE FOUND IN A SMALL
WHITE ENEVELOPE HIDDEN IN THE PIANO AT 'RICK'S PLACE'!!!!!!! -OR-
TUNE IN NEXT TIME...SAME ARMADILLO TIME...SAME ARMADILLO CHANNEL!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: V118PV6E@UBVMS - Crissm00se
Date: 30-OCT-1989 12:08:06
Description: well, if you ask me...
AA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAA AAAA AAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAA AAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAA AAA AAA AAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAA AAA AAA AAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAA AAAA AAAA AAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAA AAAA AAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAA AAA AAA AAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAA AAA AAA AAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAA AAAAAAAA
AAAAAAA AAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA
AA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AA
A AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Anarchy - the only way.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From: V123P62M@UBVMS
Date: 30-OCT-1989 14:28:34
Description: ...And so I was saying to Stella..."Stella," I said...
..."there's definitely something strange about the trunk
in the living room."
"Well, that's because it's a foot locker, you lasagna-head,"
Stella mumbled with a disgusted shake of her plum-colored locks.
"No, besides that," I protested. "I put a couple of blankets
in there last October when I cleaned the corner of the living room -
YOU know which corner I mean - and last Wednesday I checked to see if
Marty was in there, and the blankets were gone."
Stella yawned and rotated her new nose ring another half turn.
"Instead, there was a full eight course dinner for five in that
trunk. Steaming hot, and ready to serve. And there was a delecate rose'
wine...Chateau Babinski '98, I believe...."
"Have you ever considered the significance of the number of dead
flies found between the panes of your average kitchen window?" Stella
demanded, waving a chicken leg in my face. "It boggles the mind!"
I took the chicken leg and stuffed it up her nose. Up to my wrist.
Stella has a very large nose.
"And of course, when I tried to take the dinner OUT of the trunk,
the lid slammed on my earlobe and I had to use a cane for weeks. It always
happens."
Stella's eyes lit up like headlights and I knew she was going to
begin to prophesy. I hate when that happens.
"DER FROSTIGER MITBEWOHNER WIRD SAUERMILCH FUEGLICH STUETZEN. DIE
MORPHIUMSUECHTIGE NONNEN SIND LUESTLINGINNEN!"
Well...at least it had been in a tolerably harmless tongue.....
Last week she'd done it in Mongolian Sign Language, and decapitated three
Jehova's Witnesses.
By the time I put her clothes out and reset the smoke detector, she
was fairly lucid. "Tell your acting professor to fark off," she trilled.
"He's a pansy and a libertine. A pasty and a listerine." She suddenly
put on toe shoes and commenced to dance the Spanish Panic on the dining room
table. The chandelier would have suffered, but we'd already eaten it for
breakfast.
Just then the doorbell rang, and Marty stepped through the window,
carrying two blankets and a tire iron.
"You lose these?" He asked, tossing the blankets at me. They weren't
the ones from the trunk, but looked vaguely familiar. I mulled it over as
he clonked Stella on the head with the tire iron and mounted her over the
mantlepiece with an apple in each nostril. I told you she had a big nose.
After that, it was simplicity itself to knit the fish a sweater.
Obviously, he hadn't been in any kind of mood to sit through the measurement
session before Marty arrived, what with all the table-dancing and prophesy.
Oh, the blankets? Turns out my grandmother had burned them a few
years ago when Jorge came down with tuberculosis. Too bad he was in them at
the time.
-Lorelei
(Heeeeeeere little fishy, fishy, fish.....
Wherever did he go?)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From: V093P9AX@UBVMS (Who never gives a name on his posts.)
Date: 23-OCT-1989 23:10:46
Description: Things II
For all those who desire more things, I present
T H I N G S I I
CHapter one
Screaming
---------------------------
Okay, okay, so I didn't play parchesi like mother said. It only goes to
show that when you are down and out, fake the punt and go long. You can get
better yardage that way. If not, father no's best. Yearning for a lethal
injection of Venetian Pudding is a plot by the carpetbaggers, rugweavers and
surviving members of the Mills Brothers who want a fag-burning amendment to
disallow torching homosex- wh00ps! I mean FLAG_burning amendment. It leaves me
to bring up the only serious point that I'll probably ever make:
WHY DON'T THEY FIREPROOF THE FUCKING THING????
ChapTer Too
Gnnnnnnnannnnnnng!
--------------------------------
Of course you know, this means war. I have received juristiction from the
non-mangled people S.A. and the Ihavenohormones S.A. in order to strip the
country bear. And if you've ever seen a naked bear, that's more than you should
bear. Bear with me. Barely.
ChaPTRe 3
Ong.
------------------------------------
Don't fall into the trap set by those who say the Wright Bros. dis- covered
Kaluha. Dr. Benson ONg did, and no one cxould tell Wright from Ong anyway.
Listen, oh grape of the forbidden pig! Yoou pretend to have all of the
answers but slavism is not red!!! I know where you store the daffodills!!
Upon leaving this level of conscious- ness, prepare to watch ERASERHEAD:
THE MUSICAL. Of course, remember, bananas aren't shaped that way on purpose.
***TO BE CONTINUED***
From: V093P9AX
Date: 25-OCT-1989 19:43:08
Description: Things II: The Conclusion
THE END.
when in doubt, shoubt BL0000p.
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******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
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Still nothing new on this front.
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
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Still waiting for the update. (C'mon, Darkling M00se! :-) )
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #32| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Nov.10 , 1989
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
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************************************* STAFF ************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se <V123NKUX@UBVMS.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woof Woof Woof! Hello! My name is Raggs! (If you don't understand that, see
"Sleeper", by Woody Allen (c) 1972 or -3)
Yes, it's another one of those damned...uh...I mean...WUNNERFUL issues
of M00se Droppings come to clutter up your mailboxes and directories!
As to the "Pointyness" of this issue...I was just browsing through issue
23 of M.D. this morning, and I stumbled across the Steve Martin poem, "The
Pointy Birds."
The Pointy Birds are pointy, pointy.
They annoint my head, annointy, 'nointy.
I thought this was AMAZINGLY funny, and thought I should re-share it
with all of you.
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(Submitted by BrandyM00se)
A SMILE costs nothing, but gives much. It enriches those who receive,
without making poorer those who give. it takes but a moment, but the
memory of it sometimes lasts forever. None is so rich or mighty that
he can get along without it, and none is so poor but that he can be made
rich by it. A smile creates happiness in the home, fosters good will
in business, and is the countersign of friendship. It brings rest to the
weary, cheer to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and it is nature's
best antidote for trouble. Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or
stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone until it is given
away. Some people are too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of
yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give.
- author unknown to me.
0 0
>
\_/
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Imagine you are a poor seafaring lobster who can't quite afford to
book passage aboard the Queen Mary (is that still running???). So, quite
naturally (literally quite naturally), you begin to swim from point a to
point b, both point a and point b being basically water somewhere, which
looks like water everywhere, except for water at toxic waste sites, or
somesuch. Anyhow, as you relax, working out, doing the backstroke, you
realize that there is a vast net around you. Suddenly you are pulled into
a boat very unlike the Queen Mary, and soon find yourself on ice. In
handcuffs. Upon waking up, you learn that you are either still in handcuffs,
or else you are suddenly performing Houdini's last trick.
Where to from there????? At last we find out. Some 200+ lb. woman who
speaks no decipherable language(at least not decipherable to lobsters)decides
you'd look better in her home than in a store. She neglects to mention that
the invitation to dinner involves you as the main course. you realize that
when she holds you over her cauldron of boiling water and threatens to
make you into a chameleon: you will turn a very unnatural shade of red.
Well, now is the time to stop this torture of poor harmless sea
creatures! join the Lobster Liberation League (LLL)! Now! That's right!
what could be a more joyful sight than 30 lobsters trotting happily out
the automatic doors of your local supermarket? Hobbling out the doors of
your local fish markets(is that the right word???), claw in claw,
crying "free at last!", or at least its nearest lobsterian equivalent.
The time for action is NOW!!!!
brought to you by the LLL
goodbye and hello as always,
valerie (aka vam00se)
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Dickson and I were discussing having a Mega-Thr0ng-A-Thon sometime soon.
I've found a particularly good place for it. (You're not going to beleive this!)
BIG M00SE, NY!!!!!!!!!
(And better yet!) Population: ***6***
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hey, Bill! What's the news on those M.I. T-shirts? Send me some info, and I'll
post it.....
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[I believe this is from Bill Dickson, but I'm not sure.....-Pat]
Hi there! It's the Pompous Critic once again, telling you who and what to like
if you want to be a hip art snob. Remember, if I don't say it's good, it's
not, no matter how much you like it!
Today I'm going to review the David Byrne concert that took place at the Palace
Theatre in New Haven, CT on November 4. Byrne, as those of you with brains
instead of squid in your heads will know, is the singer and songwriter for
Talking Heads. He has a new solo album out, with a latin feel to it --
inspired by the song "Mr. Jones," which was on the last Heads album, _Naked_.
Byrne isn't alone on this tour. Your Pompous Critic counted fourteen people on
the stage at one time, including seven men playing brass instruments of one
kind or another, four percussionists, a keyboardist, a female backup singer
(who sang a couple of songs herself as well), and Byrne. The guys on the horns
took turns playing a spare keyboard, playing some spare percussion, dancing,
and singing backup as well.
The concert basically consisted of the songs on Byrne's new album, _Rei_Momo_,
plus "Mr. Jones" and a song from the Jonathon Demme film, _Something_Wild_.
That song is one of the extra tracks on the Compact Disc version of the album.
In addition, for the second encore, Byrne played "Papa Legba" from his own
film, _True_Stories_.
The band looked great. They were all in solid white, they were all enjoying
themselves immensely, and they were all *moving*, whenever they didn't have to
stand still to play. The seven guys in back had choreographed little movements
to each song, and were obviously having a ball. Byrne, even though he looks
like Norman Bates and sweats like a pig, could get an award for the Person Who
Enjoys Himself The Most On Stage. He was constantly dancing around, by himself
or with his backup singer. He suggested we all dance as well, with the warning
that "state regulations require that the aisles be kept clear, but there's no
aisles in the middle." The energy they put out to the audience was wonderful.
So how was the music? Well, let me put it this way:
There were only two flaws with the entire concert. The first, more mild one
was when Byrne fumbled a drum he was picking up and had to chase it a bit,
causing him to get back to the microphone in the middle of a line he was
supposed to be singing. He was clearly disturbed by this, but the audience
forgave him instantly, and he relaxed again.
The second was that there *was* no room to dance. The music was so
entertaining, so successfully performed that it was impossible to sit still.
Even the older fogies I saw were moving around, and many of the Yalies were
doing their best to dance in the four inches they had between their own seats
and the seats in front of them. "Mr. Jones" in particular, good as it was,
would have been infinitely better in an outdoor theatre with a green for
everybody to dance on. It was a bit frustrating, getting all that energy from
Byrne and his band, and not having much outlet for it.
All in all, it was well worth the money. It was even worth the money that
Jethro Tull, four days before, wasn't worth; so I kind of felt as if New Haven
had made it up to me. Byrne was friendly, unpretentious, and entirely
entertaining. The Pompous Critic says "go see it or be hopelessly crass and
inadequately tasteful."
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Armadillo -- Chapter Two
by Lord Trelf
As you remember, the dame was just about to tell The Armadillo why she
needed help when an explosion ripped through the room. The concussive blast
came from the direction of the window behind The Armadillo, pushing him
forward and onto the dame, knocking her to the floor. The fact that he
landed on top of her [after all, what good flatfoot wouldn't be on top
of...oh never mind] and the sheer invulnerability of his Armadillo Armor
was what saved them both.
As the smoke cleared, The Armadillo picked himself up, brushed the loose
debris and dust from his trench coat, and helped the dame up to her feet.
"Well, that certainly was an adventure, now wasn't it?" he said.
The dame gave him a weird look.
And Hollywood sued the author for stealing lines from "The Princess Bride".
Or at least they would, but they won't ever read this, so screw 'em.
"What was that?" the dame breathed, frightened and shocked and confused.
"I don't know, but I'm gonna' find out, shweetheart," The Armadillo said.
Moving toward the window, he looked out to see a black sedan parked at
the curb, and a man in a three piece suit get in. The Armadillo pulled
out his revolver with surprising speed for an armadillo and took a few shots
at the sedan before it drove off. The car sped of down the street.
"Damn," The Armadillo said. "I'll get those sons-a-bitches."
"My God!" said the dame, who looked out the window just as the man
got into the car. "I know that person! Those are the guys trying to kill
me!"
The Armadillo turned to her. "Oh really? Who are they and why would the
be wanting to kill you?"
They were just a coupla' fellas workingfor the mafia until recently.
They want me 'cause I'm the only one who knows about their new boss."
"Who is this mysterious new boss that they wanna kill you 'cause you
know him?" The Armadillo asked.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," the dame said.
"Try me," The Armadillo said.
"The ressurrected Al Capone," the dame said.
"You're right," The Armadillo said, taking the bottle of bourbon out of his
pocket and taking a swig. "I don't believe you."
On the other side of the city, a figure in a black tuxedo sat behind
a very large and opulent desk. A knock sounded at the door.
"YWho is it?" asked a very gruff Italian voice that sounded as if it
was being spoken through a voice synthesizer.
"Duh, it's Lumpy, Boss."
"C'mon in Lumpy."
Lumpy walked in, stealing himself for the encounter. He looked at the
man behind the desk, who's right profile was in view to Lumpy. It was the
face of an average middle aged Italian-American, but slightly scared. However,
the scars were becoming to his features. Then he turned. Lumpy looked at the
other side of the man's face. It was a robotic face: steel skin, mechanical
eye, the works. The voice was filtered through a synthesizer in the man's
throat, giving it a metallic edge. This side of the man's face always gave
Lumpy the willies.
"Did you do as I instructed, Lumpy?" the man asked.
"Duh, we tried boss, but it didn't work. We blew up his office like you
told us we should, but he survived. So did the broad." Lumpy said in a
terrified voice.
"WHAT!?!??!?" roared the man.
"I'm sorry boss. It's dat damn armor of his. It fucked us up."
"DID I ASK YOU FOR EXCUSES?" roared the man. He raised his left hand,
which was also robotic, and shot a laser beam at Lumpy, disintegrating him
instantly. "Let that be a lesson to you," he said.
Just then the phone rang. "Hello," the man said. "Al Capone here."
IS THIS REALLY AL CAPONE RESSURRECTED?
WHO RESSURRECTED HIM?
CAN THE ARMADILLO SURVIVE THAT LASER BEAM?
DOES THAT DAME HAVE A NAME?
IS ANYBODY READING THIS?
For the answers to these and few other questions, check out that envelope
at "Rick's Place" like I told you last time, or....
Tune in next time...same Armadillo time....same Armadillo channel
A production of Superguy Ltd. ---- we're Beatrice
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Ode to Life
Oh life with your trembling tresses
Why do you put me in all of these messes?
There's love and there's hate
Isn't that great?
Then someone comes over and knees ya right in the groin.
Life can suck the chrome off a trailor hitch
Till then,
O.DM00se
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[From hugh@kink.UUCP (Hugh D. Gamble @ Phaedra V's Amiga 2500) - Someone write
to these people and send them the m00se.info file! We need to sign them up, and
I'm too busy laughing! ;^) -Pat]
Number one in the Kinky Cat Sex Series:
Kitten With A Whip
==================
Kitten with a whip,
tail, swish swish,
take what you will,
get what you wish.
Teddy bear in chains,
spread on a bed;
fantasy games,
deep in your head.
Puss in leather boots,
rising thigh high;
black rubber suits;
making him cry.
Squirm from the blows,
writhe from the pain;
but teddy bear knows,
that he wants it again.
Now pussy's all hot,
from the power trip;
ready or not,
next swing's from the hip.
Teddy bear sighs;
kitty's on top;
there's fire in her eyes,
and the cat won't stop.
The world explodes,
her claws dig in;
then kitty cat goes,
cause she's through with him.
Teddy's still tied;
lying all alone;
even if he tried,
he couldn't go home.
Kitten with a whip,
tail, swish swish,
take what you will,
get what you wish.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From V093P9AX (Who I still don't know the name of! :) )
Things III
A DEMONSTRATION TO THINGS POETRY
--------------------------------
Many Hugenots and other 17th century Reformers have asked me, Slapgruck,
you are such a great poet. Why don't you teach us the way? To this I say this:
"Gnnnnnnnnnnnannnnnnnnnng!!" (For no other reason except I like holding down
turtles until they scream for yogurt). I then say, I am neither Slapgruck nor
his evil Twin, Brucie, but I'll give you a primer.
All is based on the following:
Things are good.
Things are bad.
Things are great.
Aren't you glad?
Now, you try it. I knew you could.
DIALOUGE
---------------------------------
Okay. Here's the situation. My broccoli went away on a week's vacation.
That is the problem with being a Lenny Bruce fanatic, you get easily bowled
over.
WHALE GEOMETRY
----------------------------------
We can all benefit from the Society of Sophomores protecting Albatrosses
and Djibouti. SOSPAAD, created in 1986, had no real pur- pose when created, but
even less after it disbanded in early 1987.
After the fall of Southern Civilization (what am I referring to THIS time,
PAT 8) ), we lost all of our resourses of recourses. Of course, we can all find
the common cure to the common cold by isolating the common cause. I have never
screamed at a grapefruit, but it's safer than burning a flag. But, wait . . .
THE SCREAMING AT GRAPEFRUIT AMENDMENT
-------------------------------------
Yes, folks. Just when you though it was safe to take out your frustrations
every morning, we are faced with this. What are we, as omnipotent, impotent,
non-potent, impatient, malevolent and malodorous pseudo-Americans, supposed to
do???
Nothing, of course. That's what they want. Oh yes, I know their kind, the
non- grapefruit discriminants. Why, their common denominator can cause quite an
infraction.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
..."Gertie," he crooned...which is a strange thing to say to me, since
my name's not Gertie. "Gertie my love, my potato salad, come go with me."
Now, I'm not one to quibble over a silly little thing like a name,
Goddess knows....ask anyone who's called me Gertie. They'll tell you the same.
So I looked into his eyes, like limpid pools of burning petroleum, and hollered,
"Yes, Marty my life, my splatball. I'll follow you to the ends of the Earth, or
at least 'til next Tuesday."
And so we went. I'm not exactly sure *where* we went, but at least it
wasn't that dismal palace anymore. That place can get dreary after a while.
'Specially with Stella moaning about the apples in her nostrils. My, what a
wet blanket. Definitely depressing.
We hopped into Marty's helicopter, and drove off down the road. It
really is a nice 'copter - all shiny chrome and gleaming glass and naugahide
interior. Too bad for all those naugas, though. Poor things.
We bumped along, never a care in the world, until suddenly there was
this sickening thud. Marty pulled over and got out to look at what we'd hit.
It was a narwhal, the poor thing. Broke its horn clean off, and so it looked
just like a manatee. A mortally injured manatee, granted, but a manatee
nonetheless. We picked it up, beat it until it was totally and irretrievably
dead, and dumped it into the trunk.
("FOOT LOCKER!" Shut up, Stella. I'm telling this story.)
A little while later, after Marty strapped on a parachute and bailed
out, mumbling something about forgetting to turn off the iron that morning,
I took the 'copter down to ground level, and had a look around. Unfortunately,
I took it too far and ended up decapitating a whole schoolyard full of kids
with the 'copter blades. Hey, when I goof, at least it's productive.
I dragged myself out of the burning, twisted wreckage, only to find
that the trunk and a case of Chivas Regal had been thrown clear. Being unable
to carry either one of them for any distance, what with the narwhal carcass
in the trunk and everything, I decided to make the best of a bad job and have
a party. I opened the trunk, thinking to hack off a few narwhal steaks to
roast in the burning wreckage, only to find that the narwhal was gone and a
full array of Mary Kay cosmetics had appeared in its place. (Yes, it was the
trunk from the living room.)
Well. If I couldn't barbecue narwhal, I'd have to make do as best I
could. I searched around the carnage of the schoolyard for some tidbits, and
you know something? Children wings basted with cold cream really does hit the
spot. Especially when chased with a couple of bottles of Chivas. Aaaaaaaah!
Well, just about then, I heard the sound of windswept nylon, and Marty
landed square on my head. Little darling - he's such a kidder. He scrambled
off, hacking at the shroud lines with a bow saw, and screaming about spiders.
What a character. I tried to follow him, but ended up getting lost among all
the ambulances which suddenly appeared. All those pretty flashing lights.
Quite hypnotic. I guess that's what first attracted me to Marty. Ambulances
follow him, like sharks follow a whaling ship. He really does lead an exciting
life.
Just your daily dose of wierdness....
Lorelei
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Submitted (Without even knowing it! ;^) ) by atw@mtunf.ATT.COM (Allen Ward)
ANOTHER not-m00se that should be! -Pat]
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
1989
Once upon a time the was a girl by the name of Little Red Riding Hood, who
was on her way to her Grandmother's house. As she passed a large rock a
large bear jumped out and said "Red Riding Hood, The Big bad wolf is waiting
for you at your grandmother's house. He said he's going to tie you down on
the bed, and screw your brains out!" "No he won't," said Little Red Riding
Hood. "I've got a gun, and if he tries that I'll blow him away!" So off
goes Little Red Riding Hood down the road to Grandmother's house when she
is approached by a rabbit. "Little Red Riding Hood, the Big bad wolf is
waiting for you at your Grandmother's house, He said he's going to tie you
down to the bed and screw your brains out!" "I'm not worried Mr. Rabbit,
I've got a gun, and if he tries something, he's going to be in big trouble."
So off goes Red down the road and finally arriving at Grandmother's house.
As she walks through the front door the Big bad wolf jumps out and says,"AH HA,
Now I've got you Little Red Riding Hood! I"m going to tie you to this bed and
screw your brains out!" Red Riding Hood quickly pulls her piece and says "OH
NO YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TIE ME TO THE BED AND SCREW MY BRAINS OUT, I HAVE A GUN
AND YOU'RE GOING TO EAT ME LIKE THE FAIRY TALE SAYS!!!!"
Fairy Tales have changed!
AL
{PROTECTOR OF THE PLEASURE PRINCIPLE}
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Submitted by Yale-Martin <DEGSUSM@YALEVM.BITNET> -Pat]
-----------------------------------------------------------------
_The Cat in the Hat_
by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95
Reviewed by: Josh LeBeau
The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in
which the author re-examines [?] through the window of their
single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic
symbol dances wildly in the wind, taunting the children and
encouraging them to succumb to the sexual yearnings they
undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to the most unlearned
reader, the blatant references to the incestuous relationship the
two share set the tone for Seuss' probing examination of the
satisfaction of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to charm the
wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to as
"tricks." At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who
represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn
the children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the
dangers associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In
response to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic
naysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying, "Down
with morality; down with God!"
After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged
Christ figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western
culture, most notably two books, representing the Old and New
Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid, an ironic reference to
maternal loss the two children experienced when their mother
abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our heroic Id adds to this
bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus completes the Oedipal
triangle.
Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's
box, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or
Freud's concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as
the conscious mediator between the person and reality, and Thing
Two, the Superego which functions to reward and punish through a
system of moral attitudes, conscience, and guilt. Referring to
this box, the Cat says, "Now look at this trick. Take a look!"
In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a brilliant metaphor for
the reader, and asks the reader to re-examine his own inner self.
The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego allow
these creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more
symbolically, control their lives. This rampage continues until
the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that the mother is returning to
reinstate the Oedipal triangle that existed before her abandonment
of the children. At this point, Seuss introduces a many-armed
cleaning device which represents the psychoanalytic couch, which
proceeds to put the two youngsters' lives back in order.
With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces
Freud's concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily
understood gesture. Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice of words is
equally impressive and serves as a splendid counterpart to his
bold symbolism. In all, his writing style is quick and fluid,
making _The Cat in the Hat_ impossible to put down. While this
novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it in five minutes
or less, it is not until after multiple readings that the genius
of this modern day master becomes apparent.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Josh LeBeau writes for Koala, UCSD's humor newspaper, which has absolutely
no copyright notices anywhere.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NAME: Michael Oose
SCHOOL ADDRESS: Drew University
BC-COMPCEN
Madison, NJ 07940
PHONE NUMBER: Drew Ext. 8423
NODE NAME: DRUNIVAC
USERID: MOOSE
HOME ADDRESS: RD 1
Harappa, ON
SCHOOL: Drew University
CLASS: 1993
MAJOR: Computer Science
NICKNAMES: Mike (friends and family)
Mr. Oose (zoo keepers, animal trainers, publishers clearing
house)
Moose (close friends and mammals)
Animal (those who have seen me eat)
Communist Pig (those who don't like mooses)
Dinner (hunters)
BIRTHDATE: Sometime in the late 60's (what do you expect I was born in the
woods).
RELIGION: Mookerjian (I worship the confused moose god.)
POLITICS: Anarchist
PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION:
Big, heavy, furry, big nose, two big antlers, a stylist tail,
four long strong legs, two big brown eyes. I don't wear
glasses since they won't balance right on my nose, and besides
contacts are much better for those rare moments I am being
chased by hunters.
HOBBIES: I like to write trashy romance novels (I am still working on
the first one.) I love to play practical jokes, and leave my
friends weird mail. I am also member of a semi-secret
Illuminati orginization. I also like to sleep, and sometimes
chase rug rats. Oh, eating, how could I ever forget that. I
love to eat line printer paper. YUM! I watch soap operas too.
Playing dead at the side of a major highway is always fun.
READING: I read a lot of nature books. They remind me of home. I also
tend to spend a lot of time researching the great trash authors
of this decade. Romance novels are so educational.
MUSIC: I'm a wilderness moose. I love that hoof stomping country beat,
and their wonderfully traditional "my dog died" lyrics. They
make me feel at home. That doesn't make me stuff though. On
weekends I wear some fancy fur and slick back my antlers for
a night at the clubs. Such fun. I am the life of the party
there because I have more feet than anyone else there, and let
me tell you what an added advantage a tail is at those places!
FAVORITE TV SHOW: Bullwinkle. (He's my hero.)
FAVORITE MOVIES: The Moose That Ate Everything, The Three Mooseketeers
THINGS THAT ANNOY ME:
Moose Hunters, construction sites, forest fires, paper shortages
Zoos, People trying to make cloth lines on my antlers.
LOVES: The company of fellow mooses. I'm all alone at the moment.
ATTENTION FEMALE MOOSES: SEND MAIL.
QUOTES:
Mooooooooose.
-Unknown
ArooooOOOOOOoooooooo.
-Traditional
I'm so confused.
-Bullwinkle
I'm so depressed.
-unavailable for further comment
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOTAL CHAPTERS: 162
THRONG/CHAPTER USERID NODE NAME
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alaska thr0ng FSDEM2 @ ALASKA Mugwump
(5 chapters) FSJBK @ ALASKA G00se
FSJPC @ ALASKA Jonathan
FSSTM @ ALASKA Steve Munk
TSJV @ ALASKA Boogel
Apple Computer, inc. chapter REWING @ APPLE.COM SlickRick
Berkeley chapter MHIRSCH @ MATH.BERKELEY.EDU
Micheal
Boston University thr0ng ENLDC8C @ BUACCA Paladin
(3 chapters) LAN @ BUCSF.BU.EDU
Larry Nathanson
CLXLAUC @ BUACCA Rorshach
Brockport thr0ng DS1437 @ BROCK1P Don Schleede
(3 chapters) KG5927 @ BROCK1P Fry-Guy
MW2440 @ BROCK1P FryM00se
Bucknell Chapter SHAFFERJ @ BKNLVMS James Shaffer
The U.B. Mega/Giga Throng
(46 Chapters)
V047KFZ7 @ UBVMS Grim-M00se
V054NN84 @ UBVMS PacifistM00se
V056GZPK @ UBVMS BritM00se
V056QKT3 @ UBVMS L0i0m00se
V061REGM @ UBVMS Captain Devious!
V065L4KV @ UBVMS Donald Duck
V065LRN6 @ UBVMS The M00sco Kid
V066EDD9 @ UBVMS Musical M00se
V067LUFD @ UBVMS Riff, DeathM00se
V068GZ8E @ UBVMS Evil
V068MVHU @ UBVMS Brandy M00se
V078QM32 @ UBVMS F00nels
V078JQ@Q @ UBVMS BullWinkle
V083PZ6U @ UBVMS Confused
V085PWPZ @ UBVMS Vam00se,Valerie :)
V090QRDN @ UBVMS Irish DreamM00se
V093QLRB @ UBVMS Gund Prime
V096JBXL @ UBVMS G0neR0gueSch0lar M00se
V096NHDQ @ UBVMS Chris M00spaw
V097NQQG @ UBVMS EXPL0RER 01
V098PZJD @ UBVMS Cardinal M00se, The
Grand Illuminator
V100JVAE @ UBVMS Red M00se
V101PYRW @ UBVMS Villager M00se
V109MEN5 @ UBVMS O.DM00SE
V110JQ34 @ UBVMS The Reverend M00ster
V113PX6J @ UBVMS Not M00se
V115NQF5 @ UBVMS Michele Karlinski
V115GWE6 @ UBVMS Canisius M00se,Doctor X
V115QRJ8 @ UBVMS MightyM00se
V116PFFT @ UBVMS Zem00se
V117MG7B @ UBVMS Lord Masinde,L0rd M00se
Spot Toxic
V118PV6E @ UBVMS Crissm00se
V122QQVZ @ UBVMS Sweeper M00se
V123NKUX @ UBVMS DArkling M00se
V123P62M @ UBVMS Lorelei
V126HN32 @ UBVMS Father Judas M00se
V129N2V6 @ UBVMS G.I. M00se, SgtGim00se
V133NNUW @ UBVMS BigBadM00se
V285RAAG @ UBVMS Sm00sh
V291NHTP @ UBVMS Pat, WarM00se,
DangerM00se
V409EPKE @ UBVMS CygM00se
And our REMOTE members of the UB SUPERTHR0NG:
JJZ @ S.CC.PERDUE.EDU
EC256A46 @ CANISIUS Claudette M00se
DMCGURRIN @ CANISIUS Long Legs Dee M00se
HARRIS @ CANISIUS (NO NAME GIVEN)
IN%"JPRISCO @OSWEGO.OSWEGO.EDU
Pope Zaphod I of the 80 M00ses
Colgate U chapter JSIMON @ COLGATEU Jamie
Connecticut College chapter LMRAC @ CONNCOLL Rat
Connecticut State U thr0ng CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU Indiana Joe
(8 chapters) COLANGELO @ CTSTATEU Ken Colangelo
CRAMER @ CTSTATEU Scopus
HENNEQUI_WEM @ CTSTATEU Anonym00se
LEE_JES @ CTSTATEU SalmonM00se
PHINNEY_AVK @ CTSTATEU Phredde
WENGER_BRE @ CTSTATEU
WITHALL @ CTSTATEU Goblin
Cornell thr0ng CBRY @ CORNELLA Ladykate
(2 chapters) ZEMANIAN%CHEME.DECNET @ CHEME.TN.CORNELL.EDU
Spaceman Biff
CUNY chapter S99QC @ CUNYVM Yossi
Drew Thr0ng KLOHNER @ DRUNIVAC Karl Lohner
(3 chapters) MHEAD @ DREW Drewid
MOOSE @ DRUNIVAC Mr. Oose
HABiT (H0use 0f Ap0stles DB06103 @ UAFSYSB M00se Man
0f Biggles Thr0ng) DB06103 @ UAFSYSB Ms. M00se
(3 chapters) JC06081 @ UAFSYSB Nemesis Milph
Hartford thr0ng AHRENS @ HARTFORD Wrangle
(7 chapters) BEAUBIEN @ HARTFORD Sindex
DICKSON @ HARTFORD Pickle/MOON ROACH!
ROSSI @ HARTFORD The Chairman
SZIMMERM @ HARTFORD Greymalkin
WEIMAN @ HARTFORD Rhiannon/Sushi
WHITE @ HARTFORD Demon Ick
Haverford thr0ng K_KRAVITZ @ HVRFORD Q.[A
(2 chapters) S_BLINN @ HVRFORD Sean Blinn
Kansas State Uni. Chapter BETH1 @ KSUVM Beth
Lansing, NY thr0ng B45J @ CORNELLA Lord Sabre
(4 chapters) B45J @ CRNLVAX5 Half-Elf
B45J @ CRNLVAX5 The Innkeeper
WXCY @ CRNLVAX5 Lord Trelf
Loyola thr0ng FRANK @ LOYVAX Spank
(8 chapters) GAIL @ LOYVAX Sybil
KEVIN @ LOYVAX
Mr. Sparebuttonssuppliedwithhisshirt
MARKUS @ LOYVAX Markus
MARY_BETH @ LOYVAX Cinderella
PAMELA @ LOYVAX Mommydammit
STASA @ LOYVAX Phoenix
TERESA @ LOYVAX Teresa
Maine chapter IO80222 @ MAINE Rainmaker
Marist chapter KKG1 @ MARISTB Crimson M00se
New Hampshire Uni. Chapter J-BUTMAN @ UNHH Oliver
North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 The Anachronist
Northeastern U. chapter ACM_MDB @ NUHUB The_Sage
0ber0n Trading Thr0ng ST5616 @ SIUCVMB QuantumCat
(2 chapters) ST6344 @ SIUCVMB Black_D0G the pirate
Old Dominion University thr0ng LBS100S @ ODUVM (nick unknown)
(3 chapters) MRH100C @ ODUVM Frizbog Gordnik
SAB100C @ ODUVM Sandi Bedford
Penn State thr0ng MSP @ PSUECL Mark S. Pfaff
(2 chapters) WCF @ PSUECL Bill Fenner
Portland thr0ng IP85014 @ PORTLAND qwerty
(2 chapters) IP85033 @ PORTLAND Mitya the Red M00se
Pratt Institute Chapter TPIERCE @ PRATT M0ab
Purdue Chapter PATWHITE @ PURCCVM Patrick White
Siberacuse thr0ng CRUSSELL @ SUNRISE GypsyLynx
(7 chapters) JBANKERT @ SUNRISE CHAOS Engineer
RABEELER @ SUNRISE Beez
RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp
VASISON @ SUNRISE Vince Sison
LIBLJR @ SUVM Niniane
LIBISU2 @ SUVM Guardian Angel
Stony Brook thr0ng CJAMES @ SBCCVM Carl James
(12 chapters) DEISENBE @ SBCCVM David Eisenberg
GSMITH @ SBCCVM Gregg Smith
JDN @ SBCS.SUNYSB.EDU
John Norden
JROSENSH @ SBCCVM JoM00se
RRKHAN @ SBCCVM Romel
WALL @ SBCCVM Wall
DNOVELLA @ SBCCVM Doug Novellano
MFISCHER @ SBCCVM Greendog
MROSE @ SBCCVM MagickM00se
GSMITH @ SBCCVM M00sicM00se
CLFSI @ SBCCVM Fnord
Sweden chapter ICE @ SEQZ51 Ice
U California Riverside chapter WATKINS @ UCRVMS Kevin
UConn chapter WALLFESH @ UCONNVM Sande
U Regina thr0ng BLACKWEL @ UREGINA1 Mickey M00se
(2 chapters) RUDYK @ UREGINA1 BackdoorM00se
Villanova thr0ng 054649739 @ VUVAXCOM Squish
(6 chapters) 188622462 @ VUVAXCOM Kamikaze
580074787 @ VUVAXCOM Fiben
59401463 @ VUVAXCOM Starscream
SWORD05 @ VUVAXCOM Ford Prefect
WATER @ VUVAXCOM The Doctor
Washington State U. thr0ng 24945863 @ WSUVM1 Bard
(3 chapters) 23480853 @ WSUVM1 Ishtar
90289872 @ WSUVM1 Cthulhu
Wesleyan thr0ng AG @ WESLEYAN Damsel
(8 chapters) JBLUESTEIN @ WESLEYAN WabeWalker
JVINCENT @ WESLEYAN Lord Rassilon
JDOTY @ WESLEYAN The Keeper
LBURKA @ WESLEYAN The Heresiarch
LGREENSTEIN @ WESLEYAN Pope Atheist I
LMARR @ WESLEYAN His Serene Randomness
RSIMON @ WESLEYAN Rich ??
Wilfred Hyde-White thr0ng CWELLER @ TRINCC b0liver shagnastY iv
(2 chapters) FANTASYG @ TRINCC Trinity Fantasy Guild
Xavier chapter BRUGGMNJ @ XAVIER the WILD ONE!!!
?? chapter OZER%ARKLE.DECNET
@ CHEME.TN.CORNELL.EDU
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #33| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Nov. 17, 1989
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************************* STAFF ************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se <V123NKUX@UBVMS.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello, all!
Here I sit, diligently typing away, as my grades slip slowly and surely
down the toilet. 8-)
Not much new here. The flag-burning issue is slowing to a simmer, but
there is a bright light on the horizon as we begin to research the purchasing of
rubber stamps to start stamping U.S. currency. ;^) If anyone is interested,
please send me e-mail. My "contact" says a stamp may cost between $10-$30, but I
think we may be able to get a discount if we order several/a lot.
If you are interested, or if you have no idea what I'm talking about,
but want to learn, then send to MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET and he'll be glad to give
you more info. (Even though he has NO idea I'm writing this, and will find out
at the same time you do! ;^) )
-Pat Salsbury
-DangerM00se
V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Still no word on M.I. T-shirts, (C'mon, Bill!), but if you buy the
ILLUMINATI EXPANSION SET #2 but Steve Jackson Games, you get a pin with the
eye-in-the-pyramid symbol and the words "I've been Illuminated." Also, they have
a catalog so you can order other neat stuff. They have illuminati symbol enamel
pins and car-wars kill stickers, etc. etc. etc....
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
WAAAAAAAAYYYYY back in issue #1, Bill Dickson was talking about how the
FBI fnord has probably got a file for each and every one of us because we're
receiveing this subversive, underground newsletter. He said that he was going to
write to them in 5 years and ask for his file. He understands that they have to
give it to you, but that they can black out (with magic marker) anything that
they don't want you to know (about yourself!). :)
Well, I've been thinking about it, and since I KNOW that I have an FBI
fnord file, ever since this summer (Don't ask. ;^) ), I thought I would start
SENDING them things to put in my file. Things that I want kept for posterity. :)
I think I may start sending them issues of Droppings, but I'll have to edit out
things like the flag-burning fnord, the currency stamping fnord, and, for that
matter, THIS! :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In the spirit of Jack "The Joker" Nicholson, and the weirdness of the
M.I. (BTW, I've semi-adopted '-Weirdness' as another signature of mine, just so
you know), I mailed out a letter/bill to an insurance company today (from when I
cut my finger - another story) and, in addition to the standard ball-point-pen
address and return address, I added the word 'Urgent.' written with my left hand
in green crayon on the front of the envolope. This is just one small example of
the power of crayon, and I think that EVERYONE should start carrying at LEAST
one crayon, and preferably the standard pack of 8 Crayolas (Which is what I
have). A note of warning/usefullness. Purple crayon, by its very nature, has
such a high believability-rate, that anything written in it is absolutely and
unarguably true. (So if you were to take a test, do miserably on it, but write
'This is an "A"' at the top in purple crayon, then it will be an A. :) (Even
better is to write the word "KEY" at the top, then everyone else's test will
have to be graded according to YOUR answers! ;^) )
Don't try to cancel purple crayon with other purple crayon. I'm not sure
what would happen, but I bet it's nasty.
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
By the way...Notice anything different about the disclaimer on this or
the last issue? No? I thought not. (Heh Heh Heh!) Don't bother to check it out.
I'm sure it won't help.....Really! Don't bother to look!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Regarding the LLL:
I love lobsters.....however, I love me broiled! HAHAHAHA!
Do not be swayed by the sweet tongued, deceptive crustaceans!
They are evil! Whores of the deep! Deal with them in the manners
the deserve! Steamed, broiled, fried, even raw! Broil the lobsters,
fry the clams, steam the scallops, and baste the mussels!!!!!!
Join the Society For the Consumption of Crustaceans!!!!!!
Your lobster-munching guru,
Lord Trelf
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I worked this out a while ago. It's a handy little macro for those
m00ses out there that use EMACS to to their editing. I use it
contantly. It automatially inserts 00 when you type "oo" or "OO" --
indispensable!.
--Michael (mighty M00SE) Hirsch
(defun moose(arg)
"start of a whole M00SE-mode"
(if (or (< (current-column) 1)
(not (save-excursion (forward-char -1) (looking-at arg))))
(insert arg)
(delete-char -1)
(insert "00")))
(defun moose-O()
(interactive)
(moose "O"))
(defun moose-o()
(interactive)
(moose "o"))
(local-set-key "o" 'moose-o)
(local-set-key "O" 'moose-O)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Eric Bjarnason <JVINCENT@EAGLE.WESLEYAN.EDU>
Star Dreck by Hemingway
I was the captain. I was heading for the bridge. The captain
belonged on the bridge. He was the captain. I walked onto the
bridge.
Uhura was the communications officer. She was sitting at the
communications console. Dammit, Uhura was ugly. Probably everyone on
the bridge thought so. Chekov thought so. If only those damn script
writers would put it in the damn script. Then maybe one of us could
say it. Damn.
I turned to Uhura. "Put Kahn on the screen", I said.
"Kahn?"
"Yes, Kahn."
"On the screen?"
"Yes, the screen."
"You want me to put Kahn on the screen?"
Dammit, Uhura was stupid too. Just then Kahn came on the screen.
I said, "God dammit Kahn, what do you want?"
"I want all the information on the Genesis Project."
"The information?"
"Yes."
"On the Genesis Project?"
"Yes."
"All of it?"
"Yes."
It seemed as though Kahn wanted all the information on the Genesis
Project. Dammit, Kahn was ugly. But I knew this Kahn. He was out to destroy
me. I couldn't give him the information. I had to destroy him. If I gave
him the information then he would destroy me and I knew I had to destroy him.
I told Chekov to load the torpedo tubes. The torpedo tubes held the
photon torpedos. The photon torpedos would destroy Kahn. Chekov loaded the
torpedo tubes. Kahn was on the screen again. "I want all the information on
the Genesis Project."
I told Chekov to fire the photon torpedos.
"Here it comes," I said.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Armadillo -- Chapter Three
The Armadillo stalked down the hallway and descened the stairs, en
route to the local department of the NYPD, the dame in tow. Reaching the
street, he brushed loose cement and gravel from the hood of his car, a
mint-condition Model-T Ford with a modified engine that let him do a
break-neck speed of 35 m.p.h. He motioned the dame into the passenger seat,
and once inside said, "So, what's your name, Shweetheart?"
"Bunny," she breathed. "Bunny Wabbyt"
"Your folks had a helluva sense of humor," The Armadillo said.
"Do you really think they were funny?" Bunny asked.
"No, I just said they had a helluva sense of humor. Elephants have a
helluva strong odor, but that don't mean they smell good. Now, we're
heading down to Precinct 96 to check in with a drinking buddy of mine
who shood be able to get you some protection and give me some leads."
As they drove away, they passed a very undercover looking car with
a very government agent looking person inside. The very government
agent looking person picked up her car phone and said, "Agent Hindenburgs
to Scout Leader Q. Agent Hindenburgs to Scout Leader Q. Chrome Dome has been
sited. Repeat - Chrome Dome has been sited. Proceeding"
Arriving at the Precinct, The Armadillo braced himself for what was
always an annoying string of occurences. His friend Lt. Malone [named
after his father's favorite character in 'The Untouchables'] was always
willing to help him, but some of the other boys in the precinct wouldn't
let him forget that he wasn't exactly human. This time, he was determined
to put an end to the jibes as well get the info he needed.
He actually made it halfway through the precinct before the jokes
started.
"Phew. Smells like a wild animal just walked in."
"Hey, that reminds me. I have to wax my car this weekend."
"Ya' know, he kinda' looks like an armadillo I once ran over down in
Texas about 10 years ago."
That did it.
The Armadillo walked up to the person who made the last remark while
Bunny looked on, sensing something bad was about to go down. The Armadillo
stopped inches before the man who uttered that last, fateful joke.
"Think that's funny, bud?" he asked.
The smart-assed cop grinned. "Sure do."
"What's your name boy?" The Armadillo asked.
"Lt. Roland T. Gunner."
"Ya' know, Rolly, my mother was run over about ten years ago in Texas,"
The Armadillo said.
Everyone in the room winced. Everyone, that is, except Gunner.
"Ya' gonna report me, MetalHead?"
"No," said The Armadillo, ice in his breath.
"So am I supposed to care?" quipped Gunner.
With amazing speed [for an Armadillo anyway], The Armadillo grabbed
Gunner by the back of the head and slammed it into his chest. Gunner's
head impacted with The Armadillo's chest armor. Gunner, not surprisingly,
hit the floor, dreaming of large women, onion dip, and coils of copper
wire. [He was a weird guy.]
The Armadillo looked about the room with hard, staring eyes. "How do
you think he feels now," he asked. "Better? Or Worse?" Without another word,
he walked the rest of the way to Malone's office. Bunny stared at him in awe
every step of the way.
It took Malone thirty minutes to find the info that The Armadillo wanted.
Finally he looked up from his terminal and said, "According to the records,
Alfonse Capone was buried in a small cemetary in Chicago when he died. But
there was an entry in Chicago Police Department's Records and the F.B.I. that
the grave was dug up and the body stolen two weeks ago. The F.B.I. figures
it was just some looney who stole it. They haven't been able to recover it."
"Then he IS alive!" Bunny screeched. " I told you!"
"Apparently you were right, Doll," The Armadillo said.
"What the hell are you two talking about?" asked Malone.
The Armadillo took a swig of bourbon, grimaced, and said, "Apparently
Al Capone is alive and trying to take over the Mafia in New York City,
Jimmy."
"That's ridiculous," exclaimed Malone. "That couldn't happen! It's
impossible."
"And I suppose a walking armadillo isn't?" said The Armadillo
sarcastically.
"Yeah, you're right. God I need a drink"
"Well then," said The Armadillo, "let's go."
Just then the phone rang. Malone picked it up, looked confused, and
handed it to The Armadillo. "It's for you."
He took it. "Yeah, The Armadillo speakin'."
"Dillo, you're a dead man," said an metallic Chicago-Italian voice.
"Let me guess...you must be RoboCapone," The Armadillo said, sarcastically
again. [He seems to be growing a taste for sarcasm.]
Just then a bull-horn sounded.
"COME OUT PEACEFULLY! THIS IS THE MEGA-INTELLIGENCE BUREAU! WE HAVE THE
PRECINCT SURROUNED!"
"Ah shit," said The Armadillo. "I knew it was gonna' be one of those
days."
BUNNY WABBYT? HAS THE AUTHOR LOST HIS MIND?????????
WILL CAPONE KILL THE ARMADILLO?
WILL THE M.I.B. KILL THE ARMADILLO?
WILL TOO MUCH BORBOUN KILL THE ARMADILLO?
WILL THE ARMADILLO HAVE SEX WITH BUNNY?
WILL SEX WITH BUNNY KILL THE ARMADILLO?
SHOULD I EVER LISTEN TO WARREN ZEVON AGAIN WHILE WRITING A STORY?
The answers to these and other questions are still sitting in THAT DAMNED
ENVELOPE AT 'RICK'S PLACE', but since it doesn't seem you are gonna' go
there, tune in next time...
Same Armadillo time......Same Armadillo channel.....
Superguy Digest, a division of the Turner Broadcasting Network
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From Joanne Rosenshein <JROSENSH@SBCCVM.BITNET>
On the twelfth day of dieting, M00se love gave to me:
Twelve hot fidge sundaes,
Eleven Hostess Twinkies,
Ten cherry cheese cakes,
Nine lady fingers,
Eight date nut muffins,
Seven oatmeal cookies,
Six bags of Fritos,
*FIVE* coffee rings,
Four sticky buns,
Three Clark bars,
Two marbled cakes,
And a pizza with pepperoni.
to.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(And something I just got this morning.... -Pat)
|---------------------------------------------------------------------------|
| #=============# /\ ******************* |
| # E U R O P E # North-Pole ~~~~~ ***** ************ |
| #=============# ~~~~~~ ******* ********* |
| ******** ********** |
| North- **N***** ******F***** |
| ** Sea *******S* *********** |
| *** **** **** *********** |
| ~~~~ *** ~~~~~ *** *********** |
| ~~~~~~~ ** *** ~~~ ** ******** |
| ~~ ~~~~~~~ *IR *GB* ***** ************ |
| ~~ ~~~ ** ****** ** ***************************** |
| ~~~~ ******* **H**********GDR******************** |
| |\ *************************P************ |
| | \ **************GER******************USSR*** |
| ~~~ | \ ******F******************************** |
| |___\ ~~~~ *************/^^\**/\***************** |
| ___/oo___ ************/C/^^-^^\***A******H******* |
| ~~\______/~~~ ***********/^-^/^^^*\^^\/\************** |
| ~~~~ ************************************** |
| <== A M E R I C A =<<< ********* ******** *************** |
| ****** ***** **Y********** |
| *************** ** **** ************ |
| ~~~~~~ *************** *** *I** *********** |
| ~~~~~ ~~ *******S****** ** ***** *********** |
| ~~~~~~ *P************* ~~ **** ********** |
| ~~ ************** ~~~ ****** ********** |
| ********** ~~~~ ***** ** ******* |
| N ~~~~ |
| | ****** Mediterranian ~~~~ |
| W--+--E **** ****************** ~~~~ |
| | **** ********************** |
| S *** A F R I C A /------------------|
| *** / (C)1988 Olaf Wendt
-------------------------------------------------------/
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Bloop! Bloop bloop? BL00P! <MOOSE@DRUNIVAC.BITNET>
The Carnivorous Eggplant will make you free!
"Free from what?" you may ask. But if you were truly free, then you would not
need to ask this question, for the Eggplant brings enlightenment. When you
fully believe in the Eggplant, you will at last KNOW from what (or from whom)
you have been freed.
How can you become free? First, you must know the history of the Eggplant from
certain basic questions that must be asked.
Q. Who is the Eggplant?
A. The Eggplant is the Creator of All!! Its Holy Carnivorous created the
first humans, Irving and Hilda. They ate of green M&M's and learned of
lust. Thusly, they lived happily ever after. From lack of support, the
Eggplant developed amnesia and committed various horrible crimes for
which It must now atone. Only by strong belief in It may we free It from
Its amnesia, so It may rise from sewage, retaining Its purity.
Q. What will the Eggplant do for ME?
A. When the Eggplant is freed, It will in turn free the faithful.
Will you be one?
Q. Where did the Eggplant come from?
A. It was always here.
Q. How can one worship the Eggplant?
A. By giving sacrifices of green M&M's, spreading the word, and wearing
purple on alternate (or alternative) Wednesdays.
Basic Facts about the Eggplant:
The sacred day is Wednesday.
The sacred number is 17.
The Eggplant is loved everywhere.
The Holy Color is purple.
The second most Holy Color is green.
Some sins committed by the Eggplant while in amnesia:
1. God.
2. Centuries of bloody warfare.
3. Centuries of bloody peace.
4. Post-Natal depression.
5. Ronald Reagan.
6. Ronald McDonald.
** Applications for Messiah are now being carelessly screened **
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Second in the Kinky Cat Sex Series:
The Voyages of the Good Ship Censor
===================================
The ship is white, her sails are square;
though often slow, she's everywhere.
Her name is boldly writ in back,
"The S.S. Censor", in blood and black.
You may not know her from the fore,
she shoots, 'fore raising her flag of war.
But when freedom has died and lost the fray,
you know her name, as she sails away.
She must be shunned, she carries a plague,
wherever she calls, she brings an ague.
Creative thoughts, quietly repressed,
'til nothing new can be expressed.
It's not the seas are her domain,
the sea she sails is your very brain.
So do not dare be different or strange,
for no-one's free from her far flung range.
Even sailing winds of caution and care,
of the ship itself, you must still beware.
And when she catches a gale of hate,
the destruction done is especially great.
Prudence Bland is the captain's name,
her cardinal rule, to keep things the same.
The ship is crewed by fearful souls,
they strive to play their appointed roles.
Sex, is the captain's current foe,
the open expression of love must go.
But everything the captain hates,
must be hid from all, behind iron gates.
What can keep this ship in check?
It's quite impossible to reck.
The only hope, is to teach the crew,
they have no right to blinker you.
The captain never leaves the ship,
but needs a crew, to frenzy and whip.
The crew's still there to rely upon,
and the good ship Censor still sails on.
Copyright 1988
# Hugh D. Gamble (416) 267-6159 No Disclaimers.
# hugh@kink.UUCP
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From V093P9AX@UBVMS (Still no m00sey name in sight from this one....)
Things IV: Planal Darts
INTRODUCTIoN
----------------------------
Well, it just goes to show that we can all relate to things in general,
in private, and in lieutenant- colonel. When trying to cure acute loneliness
with a cute female, do not under or over any circumstances forget the
angioplasts. Then, rinse your eyes with some E.Coli.
BoWLING FoR GAUZE PADS
---------------------------
"Limberger, lumgrunkle, why are you shining so bright?" Please pass the
cheddar, I may die of cod.
The above is the main outcome of a conflict when trying to compile a
program in Modula-2 on a commodore Vic-20. One can question the existence of
tuna, but one won't fly to Japan on a Trump shuttle overnight.
BACK TO THE QUESTION OF THINGS
------------------------------
We still cannot deny the ever-present (opened and unopened) existence of
things, or what I call THINGS, or what I may refer to as MYCXAHJGWQQ, which, of
course, is pronounced <things>, but is phoenetically spelled
<ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHmageddon>, but in some cultures is spelled like the ancient
word for grock, which is JUNG!, but sounds like the sound made when you play
Gnip Gnop, and tastes like the taste you taste when you repair a motorcycle.
MoRE NEGATIVE STIMULI
--------------------------------
NO! CATUSUSusES are our friends!! Don't mess with a wigwam!! It can
cause cancer of the hair.
CLoSING THoUGHTS
--------------------------------
We have seen from this and earlier THINGS that we have gone quite far in
our reserach to dis- cover the reason for making research. Benefically, this was
started by Benny Fishelly. But, some things have changed, so I rewired the damn
thing and put the batteries in backwards, and now it works fine, but I don't get
good reception on April 31st.
ON TO THE FUTURE!!!!!!<Things V???>
When in doubt, shoubt.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE PETER DICRESCENZO CHAPTER OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI
a.k.a. THE GRAHAM CHAPMAN MEMORIAL CHAPTER OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI
Bull M00se: Peter J. DiCrescenzo
Box 2004, Suite 128
New Britain, CT 06050
(203) 826-0448
Grand P00bah: Pete DiCrescenzo
P.O. Box 2004, Rm. 128
New Britain, CT 06050
(203) 826-0448
Treasurer: P. "Gumby" DiCrescenzo
Box 2004, Room 128
New Britain, CT 06050
(203) 826-0448
A brief history of the Peter DiCrescenzo Chapter of the Moose Illuminati now
follows;
WARNING! The following brief history of the Peter DiCrescenzo Chapter of the
M00se Illuminati is NOT, repeat, NOT in any way, shape, or form related to the
erroneous previously mentioned following brief history of the Peter DiCrescenzo
Chapter of the Moose Illuminati. If one notices, the recently-re-mentioned,
erroneous previously mentioned following brief history of the Peter DiCrescenzo
Chapter of the Moose Illuminati has no '00' in 'M00se.' Rather, the
aforementioned recently-re-mentioned erroneous previously mentioned brief
history of the Peter DiCrescenzo Chapter of the Moose Illuminati has only two
very common and quite drab-and-awful lower-case oh's to speak of. It should be
noted that the scribe responsible for this error has been summarily executed
for willful conspiracy to present false and completely irrelevant information,
ergo, elk.
[ The Bull M00se would prefer it known that the Scribe responsible for
correcting the pre-presentation of "The Brief History Of The Peter
DiCrescenzo Chapter of the M00se Illuminati" has been sacked, as there was no
such pre-presentation of "The Brief History Of The Peter DiCrescenzo Chapter
of the M00se Illuminati" WHATSOEVER, erroneous or otherwise, and he was quite
a silly person indeed. Similarly mistaken views may report to our Employee
and Associate Counselor, Bradford "Mongo the Bloody" Cambridge. ]
IN THE EARLY FALL OF 1989, an incoming student at Central Connecticut State
University was beset by a slew of perplexing situations quite common to the
average Type-A personality profile, but a completely new kettle of fish to
his own experience. One morning, amid midterm exam blues and ARA Food Service
Aftershock in Memorial Hall (Cafe du Salmonella), a complete and total stranger
brusquely strode up to this student, placed his thumbs to either side of his
head, wiggled his open palms enthusiastically, whispered "bl00p," and walked
away, melting into the lunchtime crowds, not to be seen evermore.
Hours later, befuddled and suffering from Post-ARA-Meatball syndrome, the
student puzzled and muddled over the strange occurrence that afternoon.
Countless attempts at explaining the phenomenon were to no avail; It could not
possibly have been someone from his classes. There was no chance at all it
would have been his RA. There was always the possibility, of course, that it
was someone from the Registration office. The errant student was about to
write it off as a stray Theatre Major when a series of convulsions brought on
by two obscure chemicals blended into the nominally edible cuisine he had
consumed happened to combine during digestion. His body shocked into a state
of utter disbelief, the student's consciousness fought to rise to a more
comfortable, if incoherent, state of being.
A sensation not unlike wading through a sea of warm, cherry-flavored edible
massage oil washed over the student, and a voice, deep and ancient, rose from
the depths of the student's previously unenlightened spirit, carrying with it
an image, a symbol; a mighty m00se, melded with the form of an all-seeing
pyramid; and the voice imparted a great wisdom unto the student, for the m00se
spake but one word:
"bl00p."
And the student's soul was thus illuminated.
Hiya!
Peter DiCrescenzo "Ice Lord"
DICRESCE@CTSTATEU
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Michael Oose, a M00se for All Seasons
Michael Oose appears to be your ordinary sort of m00se. He's big and hairy,
with huge antlers and large (hairy, of course) nostrils. He consumes
vegetative matter for his sustenance, sleeps, and occasionally makes a little
m00se. He takes great pride in his antlers, keeping them nice and sharp and
mossy.
Michael is a friendly sort of fellow, only occasionally goring a passer-by.
However, none of this is particularly remarkable. It is all well within
the norm of m00sedom. No, there are two things that make Michael unusual.
One is a membership in an organization, but we can't talk about that. There-
fore, we're going to discuss the second unusual facet of Michael Oose: he
is learning to program.
At the moment, Michael is a compsci student at Drew University in Madison,
NJ. He is learning pascal, and is currently taking Csci 5. How has
Michael surmounted the difficulties inherent in being a m00se in a human
world? "It hasn't been easy," he admits. "For one thing, I can't stay in
a normal dorm room, I can't eat with everyone else, I can't type on a
keyboard due to my hooves, and I have to lay low during hunting season."
Michael uses a special pointer device held in his teeth to type, in a
manner similar to that of severely paralyzed humans. When asked if he is
having any particular problems with the course load, his only comment is
that "packed arrays are kind of tough."
How has this m00se learned the art of verbal communication, of human speech?
When asked, he looks shy and smiles, in a m00sey sort of way and claims that
it's all due to his mother.
Michael is also an exceptional athlete. He is a prized member of Drew
University's Rugby Football Club, making both an impact on the social
scene as well as raising the overall GPA of the team with his 3.3 cumulative
average. He says he would also like to do a radio show on the campus radio
station, WMNJ, but he cannot fit into the studio. Poor Michael.
Are there more m00ses like Michael? He will not say. However, the portion
of the story that we were not allowed to tell indicates that there may be
a vast network of m00ses poised to enter the upper echelons and corridors
of power in American society, and perhaps all over the world. What kind
of world will they bring? Who knows. We almost didn't include this last bit
because you'd think it was a paranoid, crackpot idea. However, can you
be totally certain?
_ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/
/ \
/ \__/ \
/__________\
(From M00SE@DRUNIVAC)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't heard from Darkling M00se, so I'm sending this issue out
without the update. But we are switching to a new method. Every 5th issue (i.e.
35, 40,...) will have a complete list, and all others will just have the
changes, additions, deletions, etc. since the last issue.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Nointy Issue - 'Nointy Issue - 'Nointy Issue - 'Nointy Issue - 'Nointy Issue -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
magazines/M00SE/m00se34
+551
View File
@@ -0,0 +1,551 @@
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwa
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #34| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Dec. 01, 1989
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************************* STAFF ************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: Max Handelsman <MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET>
and Johnathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
or <FSJPC@ACAD3.FAI.ALASKA.EDU>
M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se <V123NKUX@UBVMS.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello again! And welcome to Church Chat! (Oops! Wrong personality cartridge!
Sorry!)
Hi! Happy December! I hope all you happy Turkey eaters in America
(Remember, this is a world-wide, globally conscious conspiracy group, and not
everyone celebrates Thanksgiving) had a good holiday, gorged yourselves silly,
etc. And are now all happy to get back and get your 'Droppings.
One quick plug for what I feel is a pretty good cause:
As the Christmas Holidays approach, remember those who DIDN'T
get to have a nice Thanksgiving Dinner, and probably won't have a good Christmas
or New Years, unless we help. Buy an inexpensive toy, (Or grab one of yours from
you room, I know *I'VE* got a bunch of old stuff! I'm a pack-rat! :) ) and a
can or two of food, and donate them to a local charity. There are lots of
collection places springing up now, keep an eye out for them. After all, we are
supposed to confuse the masses, but we can also help out those who need it.
EAT THE RICH! ;^)
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Would you belive I had not one, but TWO Beez sightings last week??
What can this portend?? does it mean the end of the world?? does it
mean I've finally lost the last of my marbles and am hallucinating?
does it mean Elvis really IS alive? does it mean that Sun workstations
really ARE possessed by the devil?????
-GypsyLynx
Coming soon to a store near you, the ultimate in m00sey breakfast cereal:
Fruit Bl00ps with Toucan m00se ("Follow your ears, your wonderful ears, to the
flavor of bl00ps!) --*AND*-- New, Chocolate Bl00ps!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From "Toast, Sex, & Fig Newtons" <FSDEM2@ALASKA.BITNET>
Any m00ses out there desiring a copy of the Snarbist
many/fisto (manifesto, for those of you not phonetically inclined),
send a SASE to:
Arnold Snarb
Box 84494
Fairbanks, Alaska 99708
So, what is the Snarbist many/fisto? Nothing really important,
truth be told, but it's fun to xerox off and distribute around
campus. If we're not too tight on $, several other meaningless flyers
by Arnold Snarb will be enclosed with the many/fisto.
Th/hank/s,
Mugwump
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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From Joanne Rosenshein <JROSENSH@SBCCVM.BITNET>
=========================================================================
The Surgeon General's Report on AIDS
(All Internal Destruction Subprograms)
The Surgeon General's office report a computer virus of epidemic
proportions growing in the computing community. These viruses
are deadly and there is no known single cure for all of the
strains. The virus attacks the comupter where it has the least
defense: the operating system. Then it slowly destroys the
system by slowly eliminating small portions of data. The
original strain has been shown to be suppressed by the program
AZT (Anti-Zealous program Terminator), but the product may be
over-marketed, and lesss effective than promised. Additional
strains have shown little effect when exposed to this program.
A virus may be contained in a disk or memory for long periods of
time before showing any of the effects. Some are time triggered
to go off at certain times (Columbus day, Fri 13, Halloween,
ect.) but all viruses seem to have some effect on all of its
victims.
Some users and computers are at greater risk than others. Those
computers that communucate with their own kind (homocommunals)
are the apparant target of many viruses, although the virus can
be communicated to other computer types, as well. Those
computers using DOS seem to have the highest concentration of
the virus, compared to non-DOS machines. Data recovery experts
are often exposed to viruses by accidentally putting their own
disk into an infected computer, or having an infected disk used
on their own systems. These experts should take extreme care in
workign in these environments so they will not contract the
disease. Virus hunters have much the same risk.
The Surgeon General's office reccomends the following measures
to the US Government and its citizens:
1) Don't do DOS. If you MUST dont share your disks, or at least
use a cleansing program on those disks before using them.
2) Do NOT copy programs from another computer, or if you must,
try to only copy programs with another or a small, closed
group that has been tested for the virus, and do NOT have it.
There must be NO outside input into this group, or the whole
group may be exposed.
3) Avoid BBS's and Software pools known to carry illegal or high
risk programs that have been uploaded and downloaded.
Especially those that require payment for copy priviledges.
4) Also, we should regulate and heavily test all Public Domain
programs and distributors and recovery specialists for signs
of the viruses. These are especially at risk since they
draw programs from those who don't know that they have the
virus, or those that don't know that it is contageous.
The Surgeon General's office feels that these precautions will
curtail the spread and magnitude of the disease, if the public
is willing to act now. Soon, everybody in the nation will know
someone with the virus, and you may have to work next to a
computer that has it.
C. Chicken Coop
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Still no word on M.I. T-shirts. I think they're just a myth.
"A what?"
"MYTH! MYTH!"
"Yeth?"
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Submissions are starting to lag. Send in your material!
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Dominations are on the rise. Stock up on your whips! :)
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Mega-Thr0ng-A-Thon?
Where?
Big M00se, NY?
Sounds good to me! When?
Dunno. Maybe in the spring? Maybe as soon as school lets out (May-ish)?
Maybe over winter break?
SEND IN YOUR IDEAS!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(*Right about now, you are about to be possesed by the sounds of Emcee M00se
Base and DJ EZ M00se*)
Hit it!
Bl00p! Yeah! Bl00p! Yeah! Bl00p! Yeah! Bl00p! Yeah! Bl00p! Yeah!
It takes m00se to make a thing go right!
It takes m00se to make it outa site!
It takes m00se to make a thing go right!
It takes m00se to make it outa site!
Hit it!
I wanna m00se right now!
I'm M00se Base and I've come to get cow!
I'm not internationally known.
But, I can eat a microphone!
Because I am stupid and outrageous!
Get away because it's contagious!
Because I'm a window, no not a cruiser.
Bein' insane is what I choose-uh.
Ladies snub me. Girls abhore me.
I mean even the ones who never saw me.
Hate the way that I pick my nose.
The reason why, man, I don't know.
So, lets blow chunks!
(Bl00p! Yeah!)It takes bl00p to make a thing go right!
(Bl00p! Yeah!)It takes m00se to fill my appetite!
(Bl00p! Yeah!)It takes bl00p to make a thing go right!
(Bl00p! Yeah!)It takes m00se to fill my appetite!
********************************************************************************
RuprechtM00se
RN:1814
ps-I have the tape of the real song. And the words sound exactly like this.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Wow! A double-shot of RuprechtM00se! Pretty hip, eh? :) -Pat]
Description: what is a wilbury?
Submitted by RuprechtM00se <V067LUFD@UBVMSD>
(Originally From V201LRXA@UBVMS)
the original wilburys were a stationary people who, realising that their
civilisation could not stand still forever, began to go for short walks - not
the "traveling" as we now know it, but certainly as far as the corner and back.
they must have taken to motion, in much the same way as penguins were at that
time taking to ledges, for the next we hear of them they were going out for the
day (often taking lunch or a picnic).
later - we dont as yet know how MUCH later - some intrepid wilburys
began to go away for the weekend, leaving late friday and coming back sunday. it
was they who evolved simple rhythmic forms to describe their adventures.
a remarkable sophisticated musical culture developed, considering there
were no managers or agents, and the further the wilburys traveled the more
adventurous their music became, and the more it was revered by the elders of
thetribe who believed it had the power to stave off madness, turn brunettes into
blondes and increase the size of their ears.
but as the wilburys began to go further and further in their search for
musical inspiration they found themselves the object of interest among many
lessdeveloped species - night-club owners, tour operators and recording
executives.
to the wilburys, who had only just learnt to cope with wives, roadies
and drummers, it was a blow from which many of them never recovered. they became
hairdressers or tv rental salespersons.
but a tiny handful survived - the last of the traveling wilburys - and
the songs gathered here represent the popular laments, the epic and heroic
taleswhich characterise the apotheosis of the elusive wilbury sound. the message
of the music travels, as indeed they traveled and as i myself must travel for
further treatment. good listening, good night, and let thy wilbury done...
sleeve note (c) hugh jampton, e.f. nori-bitz reader in applied jacket, faculty
of sleeve notes, university of krakatoa (east of java)
wilbury record company is a subdivision of the trans-wilbury corporation of
bulgaria.
and that, my friends, is a traveling wilbury.
the supreme wilbury
********************************************************************************
this is possibly good for the newsletter, huh? You never publish my stuff*.
RuprechtM00se
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Here's a copy of the M00se Quiz and Its answers from somebody at Buffalo
The origional Quiz was deleted, This is the best I can do.
>1) Do m00se ever wear red jackets ?
Yes there are three times:
a) They are waiters at a Chinese Restaurant
b) They live in a specific area of Ellicott
[Ed. note: UB has part of a housing complex (Ellicott) called
Red Jacket Quad -Pat]
c) They join the Shriners (Sit on a happy fez!)
-- that last comment applies to hats, not m00ses.
>2) How would a m00se...
> 2a) .....hot wire a car?
The general m00se technique of car hotwiring does not actually
involve the wires. Since any respectable m00se carries around
a good assortment of Craftsman hand-tools, he simply uses a file
to file down his antlers into a key shape. This key-template can
be broken off and used as a key, or kept on the head, and copied
at a local hardware store.
The second method is preferable to m00ses, as it is becoming
increasingly popular or m00ses to have sculpted antlers, and a
good set of keys is as attractive as a good Michelangelo copy.
If all else fails, m00ses have been known to hire anarchists to
either hot wire it (using human methods), or blow it up (if it
was a particularly hard job, wasting much good antler space.
> 2b) ....Pick up a girl in a club?
Very carefully. Antlers can be damaging.
> 2c) .........climb an elevator shaft ?
What a silly question! But in case it's not obvious to everyone:
He would hire a union crew to tip the entire onto its side, thus
creating a horizontal shaft. The m00se would gingerly walk up,
being a relative term, the shaft until the desired floor is reached.
The same union crew would then be re-hired to set the building up
in the position it was originally in -- ie: standing up.
Climbing down the shaft is a bit trickier, and involves very
difficult quantum physics, the nature of which is proprietary,
and therefore cannot be divulged.
>3) When is it a good time to avoid m00ses ?
After they've been climbing elevator shafts. (Do you know how much
a union crew of building tippers costs these days??)
>4) Can m00ses ever be charmed ?
Yes. A good m00se costume of the opposite sex works, but is danger-
ous without chain-mail underwear around male m00ses.
Another good method is giving them a free building tipping certifi-
cate, as the number of m00ses taking up this hobby is increasing
daily.
>5) What's the average speed of a running m00se?
For an automatic m00se, about 600 rpm. That's the normal idle. With
air conditioning, 750 is average. For manual m00ses, 500 with no A/C,
650 with. These averages can be used for timing and tuning up.
Actual speed of movement depends on the model. The older Bl00ick
Electras average only 90 or so, while the latest Antler-gini can
has been rumored to reach 200 miles an hour.
>6) What do you do when a m00se wants to sell you a used car?
First see if he has the proper license. There has been a rash of
m00ses opening up used car lots without licenses, which is ironic,
as a m00se's license to operate a car lot it much easier to get
then a human's.
If the m00se can produce the license, make sure he/she is a m00se.
There are a bunch of unscrupulous humans out there wearing very
convincing m00se costumes, just so they can get a m00se license,
thus avoiding the necessary literacy and urine tests humans are
subjected to. An easy way of doing this is to look at the antlers.
A real m00se does not have mold seam lines, nor the words "MADE IN
JAPAN" imprinted anywhere.
If you can determine that the m00se has a legitimate license and
is a real m00se, use the charming methods I outlined above to get
the best deal possible. (I saved over $8,800 on a '53 Studebaker
using this method.)
>7) If a m00se is seen on a highway, what should a driver do?
Pull off and take public transportation! M00ses are notoriously
bad drivers -- they're much better at selling cars.
BL00P!
Chris M00spaw
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From V093P9AX@UBVMS (Who STILL hasn't supplied a name of any sort, but it
doesn't really matter much, as this is the last episode of "Things" that I
have.)
Here I go with THINGS V : DIETETIC GRASS
(yes, each sequel gets worse)
PRUNES
-----------------------
Okay, a guy has no arms, no legs, and a face: what's he gonna do? If he
had only suscribed to SPY, he could have become ruler of Croatia. But no, he
went for curtain number 7.
hopPING MAD
---------------------------
Beneficially, we are often forced to do things that we find are necessary.
But they can be quite pleasant if you accuse it of lighting up in a subway sand-
wich. Non-metaphorically, life can be a bowl of francs if you mark it now and
yen with a lire of milk.
TwO much to SOON
_______________________________
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please,
please, please, please. Don't try it, you'll like it. I think it sucks when
things are cut off and continued at a later t
*******TO BE CONTINUED*******
[Maybe. -- Pat]
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Hey! I located an Oracle on USENET! I'm not sure if it's the same source as
previous Oracle stuff, but it's funny! :)
-Pat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O Oracle most Unburdened with Mortal Affairs! Why is it, that no matter
> how hard you try, you can't bend a potato chip?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Seeker, you are trying too hard. You yourself must bend, like a blade
} of grass in the wind, before you can bend a potato chip. You must spend
} long years learning to center yourself, learning to quiet the multitude
} of voices in your mind, learning to be calm, learning to walk across
} vast bonfires, learning to chew with your mouth closed, learning to
} levitate and fly. Then, and only then, can you bend a potato chip.
}
} Or you could soak it in water for a day or two.
}
} -- the zen oracle
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> What is the meaning of lif?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Th meanin o lif i butterfl hoverin ove flowe. Th meanin o lif i lov an
} ligh an happines. Th meanin o lif i purit o spiri, an blessednes. Th
} meanin o lif i lif.
}
} Yo ow th oracl Ne Ag sourceboo.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why have I never read an Ernest Hemmingway book that I thought was very
> good with the possible exception of the "Old Man and the Sea." Did he
> sell his soul to the devil as a claim to fame, or is it that I have no
> taste?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ernest Hemingway lived in a simpler time. A time when men were men and
} women were women (except for Dorothy Parker, who was Marie of Romania,
} and Marilyn Monroe, who was an android from Mars, but it's basically
} accurate). A time when what was important was deeds. Deeds were
} important! Leins were pretty important too, and certificates of title,
} but deeds were king. So, anyways, Ernie wrote about deeds, but his
} editor said to him "Mr. Hemingway, you have no head for real estate.",
} so he wrote about other things instead. He also threatened to take
} several of the most important reviewers on drinking expeditions with him
} if they wrote bad reviews.
}
} He didn't sell his soul to the devil, although at one point he offered
} the devil Van Gogh's ear in exchange for a new typewriter.
}
} You owe the Oracle some AM radio jamming equipment.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> What are text editors made of?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It depends on the editor. MacWrite is made from congealed sparrow farts
} woven together with absurdities. Most editors running on IBM PCen under
} DOS are made of cholera and bubonic plague germs compounded with the
} smell of rancid butter and marsh gas. Vi is made of the glint of
} moonlight on steel, the smell of violets, and the gurgle of a brook.
} Emacs is made from the glint of starlight on purest gold, the echo of
} distant thunder, the smell of a ``La Reine Victoria'' Bourbon rose, a
} reflection of a shy maiden's smile, and the taste of the best champagne.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nothing this time. Sorry.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I Bid Thee Greetings And Salutati0ns !!!!!!!!!!!
My Name is M00se... DArkling M00se!
And I'm here with y0ur issue by issue update:
But First An Edit0rial Resp0nse:
<*CENS0RED*>
That's right... Y0u've guessed it... N0w 0n with the c0untd0wn(I mean update :>
)()()()))()()))()()()()()()()())()()NEw M00ses)()()()))()()()())()())()()()()(
Welc0me t0 the realm 0f M00sed0m:
Wizard M00se (MHANDELS@DREW)
BL00P!
Fr0m this day hence y0u are welc0med, Arise:
Ice L0rd (DICRESCE@CTSTATEU)
BL00p!!
Y0u have travelled far...Y0u t00 are welc0med:
Emile Leblanc (LEBLANCE@MATH.UT0RN0T0.CA)
Bl00p!!!
ALth0ugh y0u have n0 name Y0u are still Welc0med:
(TIETJEN@CTSTATEU)
BL00P!!!!
M00seketers 0f Marist, I salute thee:
Rescue M00se (STJT@MARISTB)
Sensu M00se (KKJM@MARISTB)
Raistie M00se (KJE2@MARISTB)
Bl00p!!!!!
I welc0me thee, Me thr0ng Su Thr0ng:
LadyBlue M00se (V087Q5JD@UBVMS)
BL00P!!!!!!!!!
And 0f C0urse we must n0t F0rget (Again ,S0rry :>)
Welc0me t0 thee:
W0rld M00se (V129J6ED@UBVMS)
BL00P!!!!!!!!!!
And t0 0ur fell0w M00se fr0m The Realm 0f the Net,
C0nsider Thyself A part 0f the Family:
-GreyF0xM00se (NET%"GREYF0X@UUNET.UU.NET")
BL00P!!!!!!!!!!
Greetings And Welc0me t0 the Newest Chapter(S0meday T0 be thr0ng!)
I Am Pr0ud t0 Welc0me Thee, James Madis0n University's first M00se.
Amy S. Fitzgerald (STU_ASFITZGE@JMUVAX1)
BL00P!!!!!!!
Last But n0t least, Greetings and Salutati0ns t0 the newest additi0ns t0
0ne 0f the Fastest Gr0wing Thr0ngs in the nati0n. SBCCVM !!!
Arise and Be C0unted As M00ses Am0ng M00ses,
I Bid thee Arise:
Mark R0vner (MR0VNER@SBCCVM)
Mike Mathews (ASYMPT0T@SBCCVM)
Chris Halecky (CHALECKEY@SBCCVM)
Drew Riggi0 (ARIGGI0@SBCCVM)
Dave Klingman (DKLINGMA@SBCCVM)
Steve War0nek (XRAYSR0K@SBCCVM)
BL00P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Welc0me T0 all the new M00ses!!!!!!!!
)()()()()()()()()()()(()(BE M00sey t0 each 0ther()())()()()(())(())()()()))(
0ne m0re thing...
I am sad t0 rep0rt that we have l0st a few m00ses.
(*SNIFFLE,SNIFFLE,SNIF,SNIF*)
G00d bye t0 :
"0ZER@CHEME.TN.C0RNELL.EDU" (D0n't take any w00den dr0ppings)
The entire 0ld D0mini0n Thr0ng!!! (Hasta Lueg0!!! DUDES!!)
0h well, that's the way the the M00se chips crumble!
(Y0U may BEH0LD and TREMBLE, n0w)
_ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/
/ \
/ \__/ \
/__________\
_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ DArkling / \
/ \__/ \ M00SE / \__/ \
(J0M00se(*blush*)/__________\V123NKUX/__________\ *updates fr0m N0v 14-29*
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()(@UBVMSD)()(()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(
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Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwa
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magazines/M00SE/m00se35
+458
View File
@@ -0,0 +1,458 @@
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The Not So Pointy Or 'Nointy Issue - The Not So Pointy Or 'Nointy Issue - The No
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #35| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Dec. 08, 1989
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************************* STAFF ************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: Max Handelsman <MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET>
and Johnathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
or <FSJPC@ACAD3.FAI.ALASKA.EDU>
M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se <V123NKUX@UBVMS.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
JoM00se <JROSENSH@SBCCVM> Contacted me, so she gets some space here.
So does her sister, BrandyM00se <V068MVHU@UBVMS>
(See what happens when you ask nicely? ;^) )
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blah, blah, blah...
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(From "Mark Plummer, Parser Repairman" <MARKUS@LOYVAX.BITNET>)
A word about AIDS from the virtual majority.
Hello,
It has come to my attention that you have released a statement
on the subject of AIDS. Your first recomendation on curtailing the spread
of AIDS bears further comment. You tell people to not do DOS. This is
very good advice, but you continue by saying what to do if one must "do
DOS". There is no excuse for participating in this evil forced on the
computing community, and AIDS (and other associated viruses) are retribution
from GOD (or Brian Kernighan) for participating in this evil. Proof of
the inherent evil of DOS can be found by looking no further than some of
its followers, the most evil of these is by far WordPerfect. Those who
feel they are naturally inclined (by owning a PC) toward using DOS must
be strong against the temptation toward sin. Abstinence from DOS is the
only satisfactory solution. Those who are inststent on using their PCs
must find acceptable outlets for their urges such as the various UNIXs
(MINIX being even cheaper than DOS) available for PC hardware. God willing
we (the righteous) shall prevail against the abomination of DOS, and the
world shall be once again free from its scourge.
irving r. wasp
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Hello fellow m00ses, and welcome to the Scientific M00se column. Today, I am
going to tell you about Munchos, the fairly new potato snack be Frito-Lay.
Now, some of you may assume -- understandably -- that Frito-Lay *manufactures*
Munchos. However, this is not the case. "What is the truth of the matter,
Pickle?" you ask. Well, here it is: Munchos are made by bees.
"Bees?" you ask. Yes, bees. It's true. Here is the process:
1) The worker bee, or "beeletarian," flies from the nest and begins looking for
potatoes. When it finds one, it masticates and swallows -- but does *not*
digest -- the potato. It then flies back to the nest.
2) At the nest, the bee pukes up the potato. Other members of the beeletariat
help mash it all up, using tiny mallets and jackhammers.
3) The bees now stomp all over the paste, forming it into a number of
relatively flat, chip-sized pieces.
4) The bees add four ounces of salt to each chip.
5) Using their wings to cause a breeze, the beeletariat dries out the chips.
6) The queen bee, a member of the beeseoiseie, phones up Frito-Lay and informs
them that some more Munchos are ready.
7) A representative of Frito-Lay arrives at the hive, and gives the queen a
sack of money in exchange for the chips.
8) The queen keeps 90% of the money, giving 10% to the thousands of workers in
her hive.
As you might guess, the beeletariat is getting rather sick of this. Worker
bees see human beings as the benefactors of their oppressor, and occasionally
will strike out in the only way they know how, sacrificing their lives for the
great revolution. So far, this tactic has not been successful.
But remember, fellow m00ses, when a bee stings you, that it is not out of
maliciousness. The bee truly believes that it is doing what is right, not only
for its own hive and the beeletariat, but for all living things. So have
mercy, salute the bee's efforts with a "bl00p," and above all, don't buy
Munchos -- the snack of oppression!
Another semi-coherant article
by
Pickle
<DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submissions are still on the decline. Feh. I think I'll invest in some
new stock...
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T-shirts? T-shirts! WOW! M00se Illuminati T-shirts? Where?
I dunno. I just edit this thing. Why don't we have everyone who's
interested in M.I. shirts write to DICKSON@HARTFORD and tell Bill to get
cracking! :)
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From V115QRJ8@UBVMS
Description Yum cookies...
[I got this from a friend at Drew. Thought y'all'd appreciate it. Spread the
word, and happy baking. BlAcKDoG/MightyM00se]
=========================================================================
A friend of a friend +of a friend; had lunch at Neiman-Marcus in Dallas
last November, and for dessert she had a cookie. she thought it was the
most wonderful cookie she had ever tasted and asked if the recipe was
available. She was told that it was, but there was a charge of two-fifty.
She said that was fine. She got the recipe and told them to charge it to
her account.
In December, when she received her bill, there was a charge for $250.00.
She called Neiman's and told them it was a mistake -- the charge should be
$2.50. She was told there was NO mistake -- that the charge for the recipe
was correct. They told her it was not a returnable item and she would have
to pay the amount charged to her account or become delinquent.
The bottem line is she paid.
She vowed to get back at Neiman's and wants to give the recipe out to
everyone she possibly can. She asks that everyone who gets a copy send it
to everyone they know. So here it is:
Neiman's $250.00 Cookies
2 Cups butter 1 tsp. salt
2 Cups gran. sugar 2 tsp. baking powder
2 Cups brown sugar 2 tsp. baking soda
4 eggs 24 oz. chocolate chips (2 large bags)
2 tsp. vanilla 1-8oz. Hershey bar, graded
4 Cups flour (yes, this is really = lb.)
5 Cups blended oatmeal** 3 Cups chopped nuts
** Blended oatmeal: Measure and process in blender to a fine powder
Cream butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla. Mix together with flour,
oatmeal, salt, baking powder and baking soda. Add chips, candy and nuts.
Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for
6 minutes at 375 F. Makes 112 cookies.
[Ed. Note - I've gotten back two reports on this recipe. Both said that
they were good, but a bit (or more than a bit) dry. -Pat]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From BOWERS@UTKVX.BITNET "Bob Daedalus"
Don't know why, but thought you guys might like this. Jack Reese, Phil Scheuer,
Ed Boling, Lamar Alexander, Jerry Askew, et al, are all various administrative
patsies at the good ole U of T.
The Last Weird Days of Mad Jack Reese
Jack whined, "It ain't over till the fat man sings."
"Phil Scheuer?"
"Who?"
"Never mind," I said. "Look Jack, it's not that easy.
You've been out of touch for years now. Been buried in the
depths of the buracracy, you're out of touch. Dazed and
confused."
Jack, you know, Jack Reese, he was being fired, after
all those years. After the crazy years, the drug riddled
mania that was the reign of King Boling the First, it was
over. No more drinking champange from a cheerleader's
B-cup, no more Cary Grant smiles at press conferences, no
more Gatlinburg ski trips while holding school open during
record snow falls. Had to go back to teaching.
We were at the Faculty Club, throwing back a few
beers. At least I was. Jack, he was hitting the hard stuff.
Flaming Gorrila Tits.
"I know I can make it, I can. I've still got the form. A
year or two in the English Department, dazzle them with
my wit, I can be back in Administration in no time."
As if to prove his point, he stood up, staggered a bit,
and showed me his moves. It was true. That man could
stand behind a podium better than the tenured wimps half
his age.
"Okay, you've got poise, you've got charisma,
you've got patches on your elbows. That's just not enough,
Jack. Things have changed."
Things had changed allright. The University of
Tennessee was a disease gone into remission. Babyface
Lamar, the halfwit bastard of King Ed, had assumed the
throne. Aged and withered bueracrats were dropping like
DDT striken flies, either retiring to Martin in defeat, or
forced out of power like Reese. Out with the old, in with
the new. And Jack was turning to me for help.
"You can help me. You're an undergraduate, have
been for years now. You know what makes this campus tic.
Please, I'm begging. Either I start teaching, or they make
me assistant to Jerry Askew."
I think this over.
"Askew? He's not the worst of the bunch."
"You don't know him. He's a madman. I can't even
get him on the phone any more. Humans weren't meant to
be Dean of Students for that long. And his hair!"
Maybe he was right. Lately Askew had been spotted
hang gliding over the sunroofs of womens' dorms, picking
out tanned sorority girls, like a vulture hunting roadkill.
I decided.
"Right. What is it you want then, Jack? What do you
want me to do?"
"Just show up. I'm teaching my first class in years
tomorrow and I'll need a friendly face in the crowd. Moral
support. Someone to ask me a question, so the little
scavengers will know how smart I am."
"Where, Jack? When?"
"It's this Friday, HSS 121. It's um.... it's a 7:50."
"Jesus. Have they got you teaching freshman
composition?"
"Not for long, not if you'll do this for me, they can't
keep me there. By spring, I'll be in Elizabethan Poetry."
I started making my way to the door. If this turned
ugly, a fast exit would be necessary.
"Maybe Jack. I'll see if I can make it." I wasn't
promising to be up at 7:50 for anybody. Not even Jack
Reese.
His voice trailed after me as I stepped into the
afternoon heat.
"You better be there! You owe me! What about
'Nam?"
I wasn't fully aware that I was awake until I actually
stumbled into the classroom. Packing the usual equipment
for the first day in a new class; shorts, flip-flops, shades,
coffee. It was hotter than a Kiss concert in the room. What
was I doing here? I mulled that over as the rest of the class
began to filter in. Christ on a mo-ped, they look so young!
They look like...freshmen?! Now I remember. Mad Jack
and his attempt to return to administrative bliss. The quest
for bueracratic power. And I'm here mixed in the middle.
It seems prudent to slip to one of the back seats. Easy
enough, the rest of my classmates are filling up the front
rows. Virgins. They'll learn.
Jack's entrance catches me checking to make sure the
window is open. Just in case. For a change he looks clear-
eyed. No blood-shot squints from doing tequila shooters all
night. A little dust around the nostrils maybe, but overall
not bad. He's dressed to depress, tweeds, suede elbow
patches, over what looks suspiciously like a flak-jacket.
He walks to the podium and sets his briefcase on a
nearby desk. What does he have in that thing? It bulges in
strange ways, rustling as if it held a dwarven wolverine. His
eyes immediately find mine, like a doberman finding a fire
hydrant.
"Ah, good morning class. It's, ah, good to see so
many, ah, reassuring faces here, this morning, in class."
Silence from the kids. I sink lower, if that's possible,
in my seat.
"My name is Jack, ah, Professor Reese, and I'll be
your instructor for this quarter. I have an alphabetical
seating chart prepared for us, so if we can, ah, find our new
seats, we can call roll."
What was with this "we" and "us" bullshit? The kids
stood up and shuffled around. Excellent targets should Jack
start firing into the crowd.
"Um, excuse me, but I think you're in my seat."
Books and backpack, calculator and comb squint at
me from above.
I grunted, scratched my chest and drank a sip of
coffee. Protective coloration. He moved on. As the furor of
seat shuffles calmed, Jack-boy started calling roll. He stared
down at a computer printout, never looking up to notice
one kid answering for three people. He finished and
looked up at the class. Looked at me.
"Well, ah, perhaps we should start by going around
the class, each student giving his or her name, class and
major."
Good Jack, good idea. That'll warm 'em up. Right.
Introductions droned as I considered his start. He was just
coasting. Could he handle it when the class really started?
Could he manage the furious pace of non-stop give and take
of education in a freshman comp class? Could he lick the
seamy underside of a freshman's... Why is everyone
looking at me? Oh. Right. My turn.
"Harrison, fifth-year student, undecided." The frosty
gleam in The Reese-cup's eyes told me I was less than
appreciated. He had me here for moral support and I had
better start to produce. I sat and considered my options to
the whine of concluding introductions.
Paperwork started filtering around the desks.
Sylabii, grading scales, office hours, all on paper the color
of Jack's tie.
"Before we get started, are there any questions you
would like to ask?"
Shit. This was it. He stared at me furiously. The time
had come to set Jack up with a question that would let him
show his stuff. He needed it now. His hands were steady, his
hair was smoothly in place, his eyes clear and bright, his
age spots covered with Maybelline. If he was ever to
impress and intimidate these bovine intellects, now was the
time. I raised my hard.
"Yes, you have a question? Please, don't be shy,
we're all listening."
A question, then. Jack needed a set so smooth that he
can't fail to spike right through their egos. A volley that
would allow him to dazzle and impress the dullest of wits
with his return. A query that would permit Jack Reese,
demigod on terra firma, to display his superiority over all
mankind. Right.
"Do you consider the implications John Milton
makes on the purpose and value of evil in Paradise Lost to
be found or espoused in Dante Aligheri's Divine Comedy,
and if so why?"
His hands started to palsy, his hair slipped slowly out
of place, his eyes glazed over, his leg began to tremor and
his age spots flushed a bright mauve. I reached for my
coffee.
"Well, ah, in response to that, let me just say that, ah,
you see that, ah... *WELL WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT
FROM ME ANYWAY ?!?!"
Shit, he's lost it. He makes a dash for his bag and
smoke erupts from somewhere. I throw myself to the floor
as gunshots ricochet off the cinderblock walls. Jesus, Jack
brought his Uzi to class. A small pig scurries past me on the
floor as I start to drag myself towards the window. Some
kids run for the door, finding Reese locked it as he came in,
some fall to the floor and pray for mercy, others merely sit
and ask if this material will be on the test.
Sparks fly from a hit light fixture and the smoke
clears just enough for me to get a last look at Jack as I make
my escape. He's sitting on the floor, weeping openly,
stroking a stunted pig and mummering in her ear,
"Rosebud, rosebud." Out of control. Crash and burn. Just
like in 'Nam.
I dropped out of the window and tried to walk away
inconspicuously, drinking what remained of my coffee.
Students moved toward the building, smoke belched from
the windows, sirens wailed to the rescue. It was over now, I
suppose. Jack Reese was a relic of the past, a broken
reminder of the era of Maddog Ed and his Bad Boys. I
would like to say he was my friend, but you know... I don't
think any of us ever really knew him.
Harrison Fowler is a fifth-year, undecided who swears this
will all really happen.
Harrison Fowler is also one of many pseudonyms I use for writing
in a local underground paper, "The Lame Monkey Manifesto."
Comments, criticisms, monetary rewards?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This space intentionally left #CENSORED#.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> A friend asks: why do we pay $20,000 to work our butts off?
> (that's verbatim).
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} An enemy replies: "It's not nearly enough!"
}
} A surrealist replies: "The stir-fried threepenny nails! Can they help
} me twice?"
}
} A politician replies: "It is very important that we maintain the
} ultimate objectives clearly in mind, while at the same time
} nonwithstanding continuing to remember the intended payoff at the end,
} and the preservation for future generations of all the things we hold
} dear, especially the flag which you can see that I am wearing as
} underwear because I do not wish to ever be parted from its sacred
} folds."
}
} You owe the oracle a large cheeseburger, with flags.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why aren't men and women created equal?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} To give them something to do in their spare time.
}
} I know what you're thinking, but don't be misled. Humans spend a small
} amount of time engaged in sex, and an inordinate amount of time
} wondering about it, worrying about it, reading about it, watching it on
} television and in films, and participating in various activities to
} sublimate the desire for it. Given that the average human male lasts
} less than three minutes after penetration has taken place, the ratio of
} time spent thinking about sex to the amount of time spent engaged in sex
} is greater than 500 to 1. If sex did not occupy the human mind, then
} hate, paranoia, and the solutions to most of the world's problems would
} certainly settle in.
}
} You owe the Oracle one pornographic magazine and one condom.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> When is the end of the world, any signs?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It's hard to believe that no human has guessed the signs of the
} apocalypse, considering the huge amount of time and energy spent
} considering the prospect. The end of the world will occur when
} literally hundreds of humans construct and detonate their own nuclear
} warheads in a vain attempt to rid themselves of the tremendous, mind-
} numbing boredom that has pervaded their lives. The signs that precede
} this:
}
} -- Popular comedy television shows will cease to be funny and will
} start moralizing about any random social problem.
}
} -- Tens of thousands of people will file into stadiums and arenas to
} watch men over 50 years of age perform "rock and roll".
}
} -- Most governments of the world will outlaw recreational drugs and
} start simplistic, dogmatic propaganda campaigns to support their
} position.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Nothing whatever?!? NOTHING WHATEVER!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
SUBMIT! SUBMIT! Bend to my will! Know the sweet, sublime pleasure of
complete and willful obadience (Not a mistype) to your demonic master!
(This has been a thinly veiled attempt to get people to send me stuff...
I wonder if it will work? -Pat)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Still nothing on this front.... (Hint Hint!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will be sent under separate cover. As soon as I get it from Darkling.
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The Not So Pointy Or 'Nointy Issue - The Not So Pointy Or 'Nointy Issue - The No
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magazines/M00SE/m00se36
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-- Christmas Issue and Last Issue of the 1980's! Wow, eh? Pretty hefty stuff! --
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #36| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Dec. 16, 1989
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************************* STAFF ************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: Max Handelsman <MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET>
and Johnathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
or <FSJPC@ACAD3.FAI.ALASKA.EDU>
AND Joanne Rosenshein <JROSENSH@SBCCVM.BITNET>
M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se <V123NKUX@UBVMS.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho!
It's off to tests we go!
But now, to relieve
the Finals Week Blues,
Here's a new issue
...uh...
FOR ALL OF YOUSE! :)
Why's this in rhyme? I haven't the time, to figure out questions like
that! Etc. etc. etc.....
Hi all!
Well, here it is, the final issue of M00se Droppings for this month,
semester, year, and DECADE! (Feeling old? Fnord.)
Happy Holidays to everyone! I'll "see" you all next decade! (Of course,
THEY are watching you all the time! Fnord.)
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From Jonathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
Fellow M00ses:
I have a favor to ask. While working on the computer system here in
Alaska, I have been constantly pestered by a relatively bothersome user. I keep
getting volumes of mail from her saying such things as "Hi Jon!" or "How are you
today?" and nothing else. It has gotten MORE than annoying.
I wish to call upon my fellow m00ses for a boon. I think the time has
come to subject this user to summary "Torture by M00se Mailing." She doesn't
have Bitnet access, so she won't be able to respond to the flood of mail we can
send her. I would like all m00ses who read this to send at least one (1) mail
message to FSEJR@ALASKA.BITNET saying somthing stupid like "Hi Erica!" or "Merry
Christmas, Erica!", or "Is is cold up there in Alaska?"
Imagine a mail junkie getting dozens of sensless mail messages, and
being unable to reply to any of them. Can you think of a worse torture? (if so,
send it to FSJPC@ALASKA)
Thank you all! I really appreciate this! :)
Bl000000000000000000p. ;^)
-Jonathan
JPC/pgs
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From WALL@SBCCVM.BITNET
he knows when you are sleeping
he knows when you're awake
he knows if you've been good or bad.....
santa sounds like the NSA
wall
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From KRWALKER@AMHERST.BITNET
*** The Twelve Days of Christmas (exact author unknown)
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 14, 1986
My Darling,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "Partridge in a pear
tree". What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
You're an angel.
With all my love and devotion,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 15, 1986
Darling,
Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine "Two turtle
doves". I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and I
love you for them.
All my love,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 16, 1986
Dear Fred,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity as "Three French hens". They are just darling but I
must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 17, 1986
Dear Fred,
Today the postman delivered "Four calling birds". Now really, they are
beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 18, 1986
Dearest Fred,
What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "Five golden rings"; one
for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 19, 1986
Dear Fred,
I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front
porch and there were "Six geese a laying" on my front steps. So you're back
to the birds again - huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them?
The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. I love
your thoughtfulness, but -
Please Stop!
Cordially,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 20, 1986
Fred,
What's with you and those fucking birds??? Today I received "Seven swans
a swimming". What kind of a goddamn joke is this? These birds shit all over
the house and they never stop with that awful goddamn racket. I can't sleep
at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
Stop your laughing damn you! It's not funny. Just knock it off with
those fucking birds, OK?????
Sincerely,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 21, 1986
OK Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with "Eight
maids a milking"?? It's not enough with all those birds and the 8 maids
milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There is shit all over the
lawn and I can't even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass!!
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 22, 1986
Hey Shithead,
What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now I've got "Nine pipers
playing" and Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids
since they've arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and they're
stepping all over the screeching fucking birds. What the hell am I going to
do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted.
You'll get yours, bastard,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 23, 1986
You Rotten Prick,
Who in hell needs "Ten ladies dancing"?? I can't imagine why I call these
sluts "ladies". They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't sleep and all the goddamn racket around here has given them diarrhea.
My living room is a river of shit! The Commisioner of Bldgs. has subpoenaed
me to give cause why the building should not be condemned!
I'm sicking the police on you, asshole!
One who means it!!!
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 24, 1986
Listen Fuckhead,
What's with the "Eleven lords a leaping" on those maids and ladies??? Some
of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids,
gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing sodomy on the cows. All 23
birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard!
I hate your guts, dumbshit,
Agnes
-
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL
December 26, 1986
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift "Twelve fiddlers fiddling" which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you
no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are
advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared
through this office.
I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants of that institution have
instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a
warrant for your arrest.
Season's Greetings,
J. Frank Cahole
Attorney
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been checking on the mythical M00se Illuminati Shirts, and the guy
who was going to do them is in England until Fnord knows when.
BUT! I have a friend here in Buffalo who makes shirts, so I'll see if we
can whip up something nifty! :)
Stay tuned....
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Keep sending in submissions, as I'll need em next mon/sem/year/decade.
Else you'll all keep reading stuff I dig out of my subdirectories! Heh heh heh!
:)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
HAVE YOU EVERRRRR NOTICED:
(for a bit o' holiday cheer)
SANTA CLAUS?
Yes, Santa is a long-standing tradition in our typically bland American
society, and stands as a watchdog of current morality. But think for a moment.
What IS this Santa Claus?
1) A pagan tradition. Even St. Nickolas (or however you spell his name)
is a pagan tradition adopted by the Catholic Church upon contact with the
germanic tribes of the north. He's a PAGAN.
2) He is a capitalist moneymonger. What better way to brainwash small
children into blind faith in a capitalistic society than to reward "proper"
social behavior with gifts that ultimately do little except feed the capitalist
imperialist society more and more--and love of money distracts men from the
true meaning of Christmas.
3) He is a voyeur. "He knows when you are sleeping/He knows when you're
awake". Need I say more?
4) He wears a red suit.
5) Have you ever examined the letters that comprise his name? S. A. N.
T. A.. Rearranged, they give us his true identity:
SATAN!!!!!!!!
Think about it--red suit? pagan? voyeuristic? capitalistic? claus? It can
all mean only one thing. Santa Claus is the devil himself. Watch and beware
of his evil influences this holiday season. Merry whatever. :)
---the Talking Drumm00se
<ARD90@GENESEO.BITNET>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(From ANTEK@TAMBIGRF.BITNET)
For everybody - Christmas greetings in :
Armenian...Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand
Azeri-Azerbaijan...Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun
Basque..Zorionstsu Eguberri. Zoriontsu Berri Urte
Bulgarian...Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo. Tchestita Nova Godina
Chinese-Cantonese...Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun
Chinese-Mandarin...Kung Ho Hsin Hsi. Ching Chi Shen Tan
Czech...Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok
Dutch...Zalig Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar
English... Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
Estonian...Roomsaid Joulu Phui ja Uut Aastat
Finnish...Hyvaa Joulua ja Onnellista Uutta Voutta
French..Joyeux Noel et heureuse Anne
Gaelic-Irish..Nolag mhaith Dhuit Agus Bliain Nua Fe Mhaise
Gaelic-Scot..Nollaig Chridheil agus Bliadhna Mhath Ur
German..Frohliche Weihnachten und ein Glueckliches Neues Jahr
Greek...Kala Khristougena kai Eftikhes to Neon Ethos
Hawaiian...Mele Kalikimake me ka Hauloi Makahiki hou
Hebrew..Mo'adim Lesimkha
Hungarian...Boldog Karacsonyl es Ujevl Unnepeket
Icelandic..Gledlig jol og Nyar
Indonesian..Selamah Tahun Baru
Italian..Buon Natalie e felice Capo d'Anno
Japanese..Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto
Korean..Sung Tan Chuk Ha
Latvian...Priecigus Ziemas Svetkus un Laimigu Jauno Gadu
Lithuanian...linksmu sventu Kaledu ir Laimingu Nauju Metu
Norse-Danish...Gledlig jul og godt Nytt Aar
Polish...Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia i Szczesliwego Nowego Roku
Portuguese...Feliz Natal e propero Ano Novo
Rapa-Nui (Easter Island)..Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua
Romanian...Sarbatori Fericite. La Multi Ani
Russian...Pozdrevlyayu sprazdnikom Rozhdestva Khristova is Novim Godom
Samoan...La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Serb-Croatian...Sretam Bozic. Vesela Nova Godina
Singhalese (Sri Lanka)...Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa
Slovak...Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok
Slovene..Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto
Spanish...Feliz Navidad y prospero Ano Nuevo
Swedish...Glad jul och ett gott Nytt ar
Tagalog (Filipino) .. Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon
Turkish...Yeni Yilnizi Kutar, saadetler dilerim
Ukrainian...Veselykh Svyat i scaslivoho Novoho Roku
Welsh..Nadolic Llawen. Blwyddn Newdd Dda
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Twas the night before Xmas
the lab was quite still
Not a bunsen was burning
(Nor had they the will).
The test tubes were placed
in their racks with great care
In hopes Father Chemistry
soon would be there.
The students were sleeping
so sound in their dorms
all dreaming of fluids
and crystalline forms.
Lab-aides in their aprons
and I in my smock
Were sitting, recov'ring
from semester-end shock.
When outside the lab
there arose such a roar
I leaped from my stool
and fell flat on the floor.
Out to the fire escape
all of us flew
What was the commotion?
None of us knew.
The flood lights shone out
o'er the campus so bright
It looked like old Stockholm
on Nobel Prize night.
My fume blinded eyes
then viewed (dare I say?)
Eight anions pulling
a water-trough sleigh.
And holding the bonds
tied to each one of them
Was a figure I knew
as our own Papa Chem.
With speeds in excess
of most X-rays they came
As they Dopplered along,
he called each one by name.
"Now, Nitrite, now Phosphate,
now Borate, now Chloride,
On Citrate, on Bromate,
on Sulfite and Oxide.
Forget what you know
of that randomness stuff,
Let's go straight to the roof,
if you've quanta enough."
As fluids Bernoullian
behave in a pinch
Those ions said, "Alchemist,
this is a cinch!"
So up to the lab-roof
those "chargers" they sped
With Pop Chemistry safe
in his water-trough sled.
Just a micro-sec later
Electroscopes showed
Charged particles coming
to our lab abode.
We raced back inside
And what do you think?
Down the fume-hood Pop Chem fell,
right into the sink.
He was dressed in a lab coat,
quite ragged and old
With removable buttons
(the style, we're told!)
A tray full of beakers
he clutched to his heart
And under his arm,
was an orbital chart.
His eyes, through his goggles,
I just couldn't see,
His hands were all yellow
from H-N-O-3.
His head was quite bald
with a fringe all around
Like a ring test for iron,
the same shade of brown.
He puffed a cigar
with a smell not at all
Unlike the organic lab
right down the hall.
The smoke billowed forth
from his angular face
And with Brownian movement,
enveloped the place.
He was thin as a match
and not terribly tall
He wasn't the type
I'd expect at all.
But a look at his clothes,
in the lab's harsh white light,
With their acid burned holes-
He's a chemist all right!
He didn't say much
(he had no time to kill)
And filled all the test tubes
with nary a spill.
Then placed them back
on the benches with care
He dashed to the fume hood
and rose through the air.
He called to his team
and his ions took off
And kinetics took care
of Pop Chem in his trough.
But I heard him cry out
as he flew down the street
"Merry Christmas to all,
may your stockrooms stay neat!"
Compliments of my old Chem prof!!
Irish DreamM00se
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Poems Written for Chemistry 103
by: The Mad Poet
*************************************************************************
Chem. 103
I think that I will never be
Awake for morning Chemistry.
The monotonal lecturing
Could put to sleep most anything.
While lofty theorems fall like rain,
My concentration starts to wane.
As I drift off, I wonder why
A lecture beats a lullaby.
Ode to a Chem. Prof.
A prof. who makes frequent mistakes
Likes to think that he has what it takes.
So he's made up a ruse
To cover his goofs -
He's just keeping his classes awake!
Classroom Chills
Through classes near and classes far,
Through classes new and old,
I wish that Building Maint'nance
Wouldn't keep the rooms so cold!
For even though I know the cold
Should keep us all awake,
Quite groggily I find that
I've begun to hibernate.
And as I watch my breath condense -
In steaming clouds it blows -
I realize I have icicles
A-forming on my nose.
The danger is that, though
My being here *might* help me pass,
*Survival* may be tough
With hypothermia in class!
Full-Professorship
The Doctor had a lecture class,
But he was such a dud
That every time he lectured there,
His words were clear as mud.
He didn't give a syllabus
To his befuddled class,
And actually he didn't care
If anybody passed.
If everybody failed -
Why it was in all of the rules -
He'd just go on next year
To fail another bunch of fools.
What rule could let him do this?
If you said, "It's age!" well then you're
Getting close because
What our dear Doctor has is *tenure*!
The Party
Please, oh my friends, please don't veto my plan.
Please don't just tell me to stow it.
I really don't think the professor would mind.
In fact, shucks, he just wouldn't know it.
I know you all want to be learning in class
About vectors and gas density,
But what would it hurt if you took the day off
And started a party with me?
We would smuggle refreshments inside our bookbags.
We'd have walkmans for music galore.
We would spread ourselves out there behind the back rows,
And party there on the floor!
We'd have chips and wine coolers and pretzels and beer,
Soda and pizza and wings.
We would listen to music and play five card stud -
Why, we could do most anything.
The professor's so out of it, he'd just teach class
To the few die hard students remaining.
I really don't think that he'd notice at all
That his classroom attendance was waning.
So please, oh my friends, please don't veto my plan:
You know how much fun it would be
To spread yourselves out there behind the back rows
And come have a party with me.
A Health Hazard
For those poor infirm members of our happy little class,
For those who carry books of more than half their body mass,
For those who, weak of heart and lung, do dwell upon these lines,
I have a word of warning you might ponder in your minds.
The Surgeon General has said that smoking isn't good,
And all of you have heard him, and yes, most have understood.
But yet another danger lurks! You should be made aware
Of the hazard that exists in climbing much too many stairs.
As you climb up, your pulse and breathing rates leap up so high,
That you can feel a heart attack is lurking just nearby.
Since you abuse your muscles, both your legs begin to cramp;
Because you sweat profusely, soon your clothing is quite damp.
The stairs outside the lecture hall: a good example, true,
And climbing all six flights of stairs cannot be good for you.
So all health-conscious students - never mind trying to pass!
You shouldn't risk a heart attack - unite and boycott class!
The Mad Poet is a creation of Kirsten Anderson, (LoreleiM00se) V123P62M@UBVMS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TWEEZE DENIED BEEF WORKER ISTHMUS
(twas the night before christmas)
Tweeze denied beef worker isthmus, winnow Trudy how's,
Snot agreed juries during, gnaw Tiffany moss.
This talking swear unbided Gemini wit cairn
Hint opus scenic (alas!) sinewy dare.
Unjelled runner nozzle tools smuggling deer butts
Well fissions unshoe kerplunks thence endear huts.
Anemometer cur chiffon dyeing mayhap,
Adjust subtle warp reins fairy loin winger snap.
Winnow taunted launderer roast sachet glitter
Ice brine bromide bet deucey woodwinds schemata.
Await Tudor widower blue lacking flesh,
Door roping tier shatters untrue hump these ash.
Demonian depressed often knew felines know
Gaffe cholesterol metier due abjects elope.
Wane wood tummy wandering ice shittah pear,
Vital men etchers lay mandate tidy Rainier.
Whittle it whole dolt river salival equipt,
Sinewy mom aunt isthmus bee-stain nicked.
Mere rabbit-torn evils whose gorses became
Any weaseled end shuttered, uncool tomboy maim.
"Node azure! No Dunce era! No France urine fixing!
Uncommit! And cubit! Andante ran vexing!
Toady tipoff deport chew detypify well!
Gnaw dish aweigh, dish aweigh, dish aweigh awl!"
Asked relieves dot beef forty whiled hurry queen fry,
Wind emit wooden apse stickle, mountie-desk eye,
Sew-up two-deep how stop duck horsers dubloon,
Witty slave fallow toils, ascend nickel loss due.
Ant tending at weakling - why hurt honor roof?
A brain sinning Boeing effete shiney huff.
Aside ruin mayhap untwist darning neuron
Bounding gym knee-scent knick (alas!) game winning pound.
Iwis tressed woolen furze promise etuis food,
Anus closed whorled varnished wood asses in suits.
Abound olived oils (egad!) flunk honor speck,
Any luck lockup addler chest (hope?) nimbus peck.
Assai Saudi twin calloused temples amore!
Exchequer lachryosis, whizz snows locket jury.
Estrual litter mouse wash thrown applique beau,
Amdahl biered honest Genesis weight hostess know.
Distempered ape pie pea yelled tiding is steed,
Undies mocha answer cul de sac lackey reed.
Egad! Abroad fastener litter hound bully
Achoo! quaintly left, lacking bull feeling jolly.
Iwis champion blimp -- arrayed chilly wool delve,
Any left whinney sow hymn, enspied off Moselle.
An oink office sigh unto whist office hood
Swoon gamey tonneau ahead knitting two tread.
Ease poke naught award, Beduoin strayed duets orc,
Infield eldest tuggings; interned witty chert,
End lioness fanger a sight office gnus,
Ant gibbon unknot, upon chimpanzee rows.
Hasp Rangoon is lay, due esteem guava wistful,
Ending weight day elf loo, lacking town ova tassle;
Buddy herding explain air hedge rowboat design,
"Hopping rich musty woolen due awl incondite!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hey there! Hi there! Ho there! *SMACK* *SMACK* *SMACK*
(The Mickey Mouse Club in the Spanish Inquisition)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why did I just shit in my pants? Did anyone else do it too?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes, most people in your area also did -- a low-frequency sound wave
} caused sympathetic vibrations that made many people lose control of
} their anal sphincters. Don't be ashamed!
[ed. note - Hmm! It appears THEY are developing NEW ways to control us!
I could envision lots of possibilities for crowd control fnord here! ;^) -Pat]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Every night while she sleeps, my girlfriend slowly changes into a
> shapeless blob of pulsating flesh, still wrapped in her own skin. By
> morning she is herself again, and apparently none the wiser. Should I
> tell her about this?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Nah.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> I hope the Oracle has the answer to this most difficult question: Why
> does my 25 year old son keep seeing a girl that he has broken up with
> and only gives him grief? A puzzled mother wants to know!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hold it, the Oracle needs to switch modes for this one. What was the
} magic word for the German Psychaiatrist again? Oh yes: Goot Zex! Goot
} Zex! Goot Zex! Goot..
}
} [blur blur blur]
}
} Ja! Dat ees much better! Vell, ve schall see joost vat ees vrong vit
} your son, Frau Vorryvart.
}
} He ees 25 years old, eh? I vould say dat he is doing just vhat he damn
} vell pleases, den! Actually, he ees seeing zis girl solely for der
} poorpose of making you und nutzkopf. You should haff never given him
} such a vhipping over that broken bowl vhen he vas drei years old.
}
} Actually, eef you vould just meet zis girl vitout your son around, you
} vould see she ain't so bat after all, eh?
}
} So, quit meddling vit his bizness, unt get on vit your more pressing
} matters, like vhen ees he going to produce some grandtchildren ver you
} und Herr Vorryvart.
}
} Now, how vas dat I get back to zee normal Oracle? Oh ja, Veert Answers!
} Veert Answers! Veert Answers! Veert...
}
} [blur blur blur]
}
} You owe the Oracle a better German accent.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
> What would be a good question to ask you?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} To start off, that WAS a good question.
}
} Other good questions include...
} Why is the soap dish always in line with the water in the shower?
} What is the correct response to "Thanks for calling!"
} What is the correct response to "What's up?"
} Do we have the right to an attorney being present on Judgment Day?
} Why did Ronald Reagan have to wait until AFTER he left office to
} have his brain fixed?
} Why do health food fanatics not look so healthy?
} Was Manuel Noriega any fun when he was a kid?
} If diamonds tasted like chocolate, would people actually eat them?
} Why don't acoustic guitars have wa-wa sticks?
} Whatever happened to the manned Mars mission Bush promised us?
} Why do smokers think they have the right to litter the world with
} cigarette butts?
} Why are places that are open 24 hours have locks on the doors?
} Why does the lighter flame drop to an unusable height every time you try
} to do a bong load?
}
} Just to get you started.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maybe next decade..... :-)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will be sent under separate cover, as this issue is quite large already,
(And I don't have it yet from Darkling M00se! :) )
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-- Christmas Issue and Last Issue of the 1980's! Wow, eh? Pretty hefty stuff! --
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
magazines/M00SE/m00se37
+452
View File
@@ -0,0 +1,452 @@
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overdue Issue - Overdue Issue - Overdue Issue - Overdue Issue - Overdue Issue -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #37| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Jan 27, 1990
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************************* STAFF ************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: Max Handelsman <MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET>
and Johnathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
or <FSJPC@ACAD3.FAI.ALASKA.EDU>
AND Joanne Rosenshein <JROSENSH@SBCCVM.BITNET>
IF you've written your letter home already,
AND your younger brother is going out in the company of
another boy this weekend,
But you're NOT getting a haircut,
THEN move your clothes to the lower peg. Simple, no? :)
M00se List updates and changes: Herschm00se the Beanmeister
<JMP91@GENESEO.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi there!
Happy New Decade, and all that rot!
Sorry this is late in getting out, but I've been busy with the first
week of classes. (I know, some of you have been in school for 3 weeks, but do
you know what I have to say about that? PPPPPPHHHHHHHFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT!!!!!
You should have gone to Buffalo! ;^)
Not much else to say, here.
Enjoy! Welcome back! And send in submissions! :)
-Pat/DangerM00se
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Bl00p!
Hello to all my fellow members..
Thought I'd write and tell you all how fnording happy I am to be a member!
Oh yes, I have some questions for all you m00ses out there.
Wh0 should I consider asking to become a m00se?
Need they be M00sy, or is lunacy a adequate substitute?
I only ask because I am wondering about several people I know..
I also wonder (for security reasons) about asking others, who might not be as
sympathetic to M00se ideals..I myself am completely in agreement with M00se
ideas, ideals, morals, and other such nonsensical items. I think. Well, maybe.
Does it really matter? Does anything really matter? Why are we here? What's
it all about? Is the meaning of life really 42?
Can any M00ses out there help me? I am lost in the infinite m00se space.
So you see, I really am lost. What do I do?
Can anyone help?! If so, please send a check or money order to me,
to:
The Hungarian M00se
Box W1198 Wheaton College
Norton, MA. 02766
Please try to help, send whatever you can..
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I wish to address in this text a certain matter that came up in a Relay
conversation with a fellow M00se one very early, groggy morning. Perhaps,
spake he, we would be able to further the interests of the M00se Illuminati by
appointing Honorary Membership. In a sudden rush of eager interest and
adrenalin that toppled my late-late nightcap of Dr. Pepper and Vivarin from its
resting place atop my stereo, I quickly tapped out a reply on my ages-old
keyboard and volunteered to take up the job. It would certainly merit some
amount of feverish effort, as there must be quite a few people who exist who
deserve recognition for M00seworthy accomplishments, we agreed.
And so, Brethren of the M00se Illuminati, I come to you. Perhaps you know of
someone, celebrity or not, from the media, music industry, literary circle,
lunchtime crowd, silver screen, family tree, etc. etc. who you feel deserves to
be awarded a title of Honorary M00sedom for Exemplary Behaviour or Achievements
Characteristic of the Ideals and Interests of the M00se Illuminati.
Garry Trudeau. Max Headroom. Frank Zappa. Mr. Rogers. Mojo Nixon. Uncle
Lewis. Anybody.
Send ye the name of any ONE proposed Honorary M00se to me, Ice Lord, care of
DICRESCE@CTSTATEU, with the reason or m00selike-contribution to their field of
speciality you attribute to this M00se-to-be, and maybe a line or two of
healthy eulogism, and I shall compile a list of the Honorary M00ses to present
in an upcoming edition of M00se Droppings.
<bl00p>
Ice Lord
DICRESCE@CTSTATEU
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hello everybody. Contrary to what some people say ("The decade doesn't change
until '91, nyah nyah!"), the Nineties are here. And it's going to have to be
the Decade of Something. It could be the Cyberpunk Decade; it could be the
Kinder, Gentler Decade. Or, heaven help us all, it could be the Decade of the
Martin.
I have an idea. An idea that's been oozing around in my brain for a while now.
I'd like to know what you think.
Let's make this the Decade of the M00se.
Really. I mean it. Let's make the M00se Illuminati a real, legitimate
organization with official records, membership lists, etc. No dues yet, unless
maybe we assign an initial cost to begin membership, to cover the cost of ID
cards or something like that.
Most importantly, though, a Snail Mail newsletter -- something akin to M00se
Droppings (but not replacing it, or the fine alternative publication M00se
Drool), but printed on -paper- and mailed directly to your own home via third-
class bulk mail permits.
Who knows? What could we have in the future? A lobbyist in Washington?
Voting power? CIA spies in our midst? M00se Illuminati agents in the CIA?
This would most definitely outdo the Martins for good. The Martins, by the
way, declared themselves the victors in the M00se/Martin War of a year or so
ago through an amendment in their constitution. Let's prove them wrong.
What I want is any ideas you can think of about this proposal -- whether or not
it's a good idea at all, how much you think you'd be willing to pay for initial
membership and/or the newsletter, ideas to name the newsletter, and so on. I'd
also like some information -- how many m00ses are you aware of at your
university (or just around somewhere) who do *not* have Bitnet access, but who
would be interested in the ideas I've mentioned? I'm trying to get some idea
of how big we *really* are.
Please mail said comments directly to me (Pickle) at DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET.
And let's make this decade one they won't be able to talk about without
picturing antlers.
Pickle
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings,
I just got as a present for the holidays a Air Brush. SalmonM00se and
I have been working out a M00se T-shirt so if we come up with something I'll
let you know. (That is of course if you are interested :-)
Adieu
- Goblin
BTW: About a MTAT How about holding it in May and having it at a State Forest?
(Or perhaps in even warmer weather later in May)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We now have a NEW person in the sacred position of Royal Keeper of the
List. Her real name is Jenine Pittenger, and she's a brand new (official) m00se!
You can see her address and stuff in the masthead (The part at the top of the
newsletter that you all skip over every time because you think you've read it
before, so you don't notice that I change it every time. ;^) )
She is taking over for Darkling/I-Man Negus M00se, who succumbed to the
urge to go out and earn money. (Geez! The thing some people will do just to EAT
these days! I don't know.....)
Please direct all future list changes to her.
Welcome aboard, Jenine! :)
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I finally got my Mom an account! :) She's going to be getting M.D. on a
regular basis, now! (Gee, think we should...uh...y'know...tone it down a bit?)
NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! :)
Her name is Emilie Manning, and her account is CHILDS@OSWEGO.OSWEGO.EDU
and she LOOOOOOVES to get mail! (That's a hint! :) See, she's just learning how
to use the system, and I think she needs to be swamped with new mail/friends!)
So send her something. Say hi! Ask her what it's like to be the mother
of DangerM00se/Patrick G. Salsbury (Super Genius)! Blame HER for me being the
way I am! ;^)
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I think the M00se List at UMNEWS consumed itself. What say we get a
Listserv set up, and get a PROPER m00se discussion set up? Or a M00se discussion
group on the NEWS system in UNIX? (We just got that installed here at UB, it's
NICE! We could link the listserv and the NEWSgroup, so if you weren't able to
access NEWS, you could still participate easily.
What say?
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yo dude, and bl00pski....
I seem to recall in a not so distant issue of M00se Dr0ppings, that
someone mentioned the pandemonium of getting a rubber stamp together
that said something to the effect of:
THIS BILL HAS BEEN RECLAIMED BY THE U.S.
TREASURY DEPT. FOR DESTRUCTION. DO NOT
HONOR. IT IS NO LONGER LEGAL TENDER.
And then going around stamping all the $$$ we could lay our hands on.
Feeding $1 bills into change machines, and then getting more bills for
the change, stamping them, and feeding them in, ad infinitum. Well,
one of the questions raised was "Where can we get them?" My fellow
m00ses, that question has been answered. I now work for the Cole Key
Company, in the Maine Mall, in South Portland. One of my jobs is key
carving, and another is the fashioning of rubber stamps. Right there
in the store. I've already made a template, and I'm going to cook my
first prototype soon. If successful, I will gladly make copies for
any and all m00ses interested in this wonderfully heinous mischief.
However, I will have to charge the base price for the stamp and the
mounting, which is $5 + tax, and there will be some postage involved
too. But that is so little, compared to the amount of chaos we can
cause, don'tcha think??? Please forward any and all requests to me,
Mitya the Red M00se, and please include a mailing address. I will
acknowledge, and request payment sent first, since I have to pay for
them when I make them. Fair 'nuf? Good. Happy government toppling to
everyone, and bl00pski!!!!
Mitya the Red M00se,
IP85033@PORTLAND.BITNET
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I just purchased a copy of "The Illuminati Papers" by Robert Anton
Wilson. It's GREAT! I'll be posting things from it here in the future.
Also, I just got a catalog yesterday, which has two audio tapes in it by
Robert Anton Wilson. One is "Religion For The Hell Of It" and the other is "The
Acceleration Of Knowledge: The Jumping Jesus Phenomenon" I'm probably going to
get them.
They have lots of other tapes, too. Interesting stuff!
The catalog is from SoundsTrue, and if you want one, call:
1-800-835-2246 Ext. 275
-Pat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stella returns.....
So Stella and I were sitting at the dining room table, having a
nice chat. That is, I was having a nice chat - she was stirring her coffee.
This was rather distracting, as she was stirring it with a live chameleon, but
I suppose it *was* the most effective method of getting the last of the arsenic
to dissolve. It likes to stay at the bottom in this slushy mass. You know
what I mean.
So I asked Stella how she managed to get down from over the mantel-
piece. She replied by quoting the Virginia Beach phone directory,
Dzierzanowska through Ellenbogen, then popping out her glass eye and tossing
it into the coffee mug. In case you're wondering, it's violet. The eye, I
mean. Her real one's olive drab,so the glass one really compliments the
color.
So anyhow, I never did find out how she got down in the short week I
was gone. I noticed that the apple was gone from her nose, though. Maybe
that had something to do with it. Since the conversation was going nowhere,
I picked up the newspaper and began to read the more credible articles to her.
There was one in particular that caught my eye...hers too, when the chameleon
tried to escape by pitching the glass eye at the paper and squirming violently.
It was very effective. The article, I mean. The chameleon ended up back in the
mug, upside-down. It didn't struggle much after that.
The article was about something that happened in my home town while I
was there on my visit. Seems that Jed Cummins was out slopping the hogs one
evening when he saw some bright lights in the sky, seeming to head for the East
Podunk Town Hall. He got on the horn to the police chief, who mildly suggested
that he lay off the corn husk cigars for a while. Jed wasn't so easily put off
though, and he jumped into his Chevy 4X4 and high-tailed it into town. Right
after he pulled up in front of the Town Hall, a huge glowing egg materialized
out of a cloudbank and settled down onto the roof of the New Podunk Theatre
(erected in 1939). When he was asked later how he reacted at that point, Jed
replied, "Wal, shoot! I ain't never gonna get them stains out'n the
upholstery."
After it came to rest, the giant egg split open and ramps extended down
to street level. Then, according to eyewitnesses (Jed and a wino in the alley
behind the theater), roughly 85,000 aliens marched out clutching blast guns
and cans of Right Guard (tm). They pointed the guns at Jed and ordered him not
to interfere, then they all sprayed the Right Guard into the air at once.
After that they trooped back into the egg and took off. According to
this newspaper (wonderful, the quality of journalism you can find at the
checkout counter!), the sudden concentrated release of fluorocarbons into the
atmosphere has ripped a huge hole in the ozone layer, which extends over much
of the eastern seaboard. As a result, anyone living here will either die of
cancer in thirty years or will mutate into higher life forms. Stella's already
a mutant, so she doesn't have to worry. As for me, I'm going to go live in
Finland and eat irradiated reindeer meat, so I'm not worried either. Got to
build up a resistance to that sort of thing.
Just to show that good things also happen in East Podunk, the other
major effect of the alien invasion is that no one in the whole county will
ever have body odor ever again. See - and cancer's not all that bad.
"I feel like a swim," Stella said after I'd finished the article.
Whereupon, she dove into the coffee mug and commenced to do the backstroke.
What a kidder. Then she climbed out, dried herself off on the curtains, and
picked her teeth with the chameleon. I really must teach that girl some
manners - imagine picking your teeth in public. Ah well.
Enjoy,
L0relei
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From The Hungarian M00se <LGREEN@WHEATNMA>
CIVIL SERVICE EXAM
"STATE WORKER"- (ALL LEVELS)
Name:
Score:
INSTRUCTIONS:
Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that seems most correct
("True" or "False") and mark an "X" (just like you sign your name) in the
appropiate space at the right.
TRUE / FALSE
1. A clitoris is a type of flower. ___
2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. ___
3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird. ___
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. ___
5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. ___
6. A "G" string is part of a violin. ___
7. Semen is another term for "sailors". ___
8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly". ___
9. Testicles are found on an octopus. ___
10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. ___
11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. ___
12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas . ___
13. Coitus is a musical instrument. ___
14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke". ___
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. ___
16. A condom is an apartment complex. ___
17. An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in a
church. ___
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. ___
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. ___
20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new
government officials. ___
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. ___
22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. ___
23. Pornography is the business of making record albums. ___
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. ___
25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve". ___
26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. ___
27. Ovaries are a French egg dish make with cheese. ___
28. Scrotum is a small planet near Uranus. ___
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
DO WHAT THOU WILT SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW
It has recently come to my attention that rock-n-roll has filthy
lyrics dangerous to the moral developments of young Americans. E.g.:
Hush, now, b*by, b*by, don't you cry
m*ther's gonna make all of your nightmares come true
m*ther won't let anyone dirty you
m*ther's gonna keep you right here unde her wing
she won't let you fly, but she might let you sing
m*ther's gonna keep b*by healthy and clean....
That's right, even Pink Floyd contributes to the myth that humans are
viviparous animals breeding at random, and that the loftiest pinnacle of
human enlightenment, SOCIAL STRUCTURE, is founded in the mire of ....ahem,
CERTAIN unprintable biological relations, congresses, and (ahem) intercourses
between (gasp) human reproductive systems.
Obviously, concerned m00ses, it is in your best interest to see that
all references to s...e...x are removed from the Library of Congress and all
their other squalid hiding places over the globe, and BURNED! Yes, and
while we're at it we can burn a few witches!
OK, now that such rock-and-rubbish is covered, we must interdict all
DRUGS! We all know that DRUGS are bad for you and have no purposes other
converting sweet Norman ROckwell models into ravening leather-and-Spandex
swathed sexually florid bass players. Just like Geddy Lee. We know drugs
are bad. Ronald and Nancy told us so, and Ronald and Nancy would never,
ever distort the facts for their personal gain. Politicians simply don't DO
things like that in America. Politicians, policemen, and defenders of mental
and moral hygiene NEVER act to increase their privileges or tighten the grip
of the ruling minority on the common citizen at the expense of Constitutional
rights!
Note to Reagan Youth: Use Secret Decoder Rings to translate this
month/s BITNET pogrom update. Any personnel not reporting to duty with
at least one fresh human scalp and a clean armband will be shot.
Yes, we have to interdict ALL DRUGS from this fair country, and
relax with the healthy, nonviolent, sanity-conducive measures of caffeine,
alcohol, and nicotine. Except everyone over forty years of age and $50,000
of income, who are entitled to prescription sleeping pills to commit
suicide with.
LOVE IS THE LAW, LOVE UNDER WILL.
ps: All flag-burners will be summarily convicted of High Treason,
and sent to the Allentown Correctional Facility for Incineration. Anyone
who posts a message with the word ""BONG"" in it will be brainwashed and
subjected to phone-tapping, for their own protection, just as soon as we
can get the police dogs off their throats.
Patriotically Yours ---
Ubersturmfuhrer Danforth Quayle, S.S.
V126HN32@UBVMS.BITNET
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter Name : Andrew Winden
Nickname : Mathm00se
Life Form : Usually human, (very scary in the morning)
Sex : Male, but I like to have it as often as possible
Net Address : AW7383@BROCK1P Purity Quotient: __~45%
Description : Very close to humanoid, but not close enough
to have a birth certificate.
Favorite Saying: All I want is <.. anything applicable here ..>
'my alarm clock to work'
'some Kool-Aid left'
etc....
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chapter Name : Phil DeGrandis
Nickname : StangM00se
Life Form : Definitely not human
Sex : Hopefully as soon as possible. :-)
Net Address : PD6662@BROCK1P Purity Quotient __~63
Description : Big, soft, and loud like a m00se should be.
Favorite Saying: Lets take my car --or-- I hate it when people
open their doors into my car.
bl00p BL00P BL000000P DAMMIT!
fry_m00se
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I was told by saM@UAFSYSB who at the time was on relay as Spamalope although I
believe his name is Sam Huntsman to write you concerning a new chapter of M00SE
Illuminati I wish to form. I believe I am qualified to be a member.. I have
read much of the suggested reading, seen all of Monty Python's films, and
besides that, I am willing to do almost anything to get recognized as a
chapter, including stealing, cheating, lying, murder, arson, pillage, rape (so
I'm good at lying), and all other sorts of MEAN AND NASTY VICIOUS THINGS!!!!!
So anyways, thank for your time, and if this is the wrong person to write to,
just tell me so I can search down that spamalope pouf and shoot him..
Thank you and good night.
Lyman Green Jr.
Box W1198 Wheaton College
Norton, Massachusetts
02766
Bitnet:lgreen@wheatnma
Now officially known as: The Llama on relay, and my new nick for the chapter
is The Hungarian M00se.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will be sent along under seperate cover, as it's pretty long, and we're
getting the whole thing updated by Herschm00se the Beanmeister. :) I'll send it
along as soon as I get it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overdue Issue - Overdue Issue - Overdue Issue - Overdue Issue - Overdue Issue -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
magazines/M00SE/m00se38
+478
View File
@@ -0,0 +1,478 @@
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TREMENDOUSLY Overdue Issue - TREMENDOUSLY Overdue Issue - TREMENDOUSLY Overdue I
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #38| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Feb 19, 1990
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************************* STAFF ************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: Max Handelsman <MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET>
and Johnathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
or <FSJPC@ACAD3.FAI.ALASKA.EDU>
AND Joanne Rosenshein <JROSENSH@SBCCVM.BITNET>
M00se List updates and changes: Herschm00se the Beanmeister
<JMP91@GENESEO.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's late. I know. I'm sorry. I got real busy. I'll try not to let it
happen again. But right now, I'm retyping this, as the &*%@^#(*$%@#(^&$%()@#
computer just ditched about 1/2 hour of work on me, and I'm really quite
terribly upset about THE WHOLE @#^$(&*@#%^($*#!-ing thing! :)
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From: GreyFoxM00se
My sister was 0nce byt by a m00se.
N0, Realli. She was carving her initials in the m00se with the sharpened end of
an interspace t00thbrush given to her by her brother in law -- a dentist.
Mind you, m00se bytes can be nasti...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Rescue M00se <STJS@MARIST.BITNET>
I thought that this group would like to know of an important
discovery made at the National Research Council (NRC)
in Canada.
<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>
NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED
AT NRC RESEARCH CENTRE
(Reprinted from CRESS Bulletin, York University, Jan 24. 1990)
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at
the NRC Research Centre. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no
protons, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice
neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held
together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of a
meson like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one
reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in
less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately 3 years, at which time
it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in which
assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after each
reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally
in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as
government agencies, large corporations, universities, and NRC and can actually
be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium
can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This space available. Contact WarM00se. <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Description: I had an interesting idea the other day....
In order to streamline the legal system, and get stupid old laws off the books,
and key law in with the changing social mores, I came up with a few ideas that
would make things run much better in this country. Let me know what you think.
1) Make every law expire 10 years after it is enacted. All OLD laws
expire 10 years after we start this program. If the law is still a valid social
concern, then it can be re-enacted. (Politicians LOVE to legislate, anyway, but
this keeps laws like "no horses in saloons" from cluttering up the books....)
2) No "piggy-backing" of bills. You make ****1**** law at a time. No
tacking of something like "all homos are to be shot" on page 86 of a traffic
law about "right turn on red."
3) Recall vote on all people in office. If someone pisses us off, we
don't have to wait up to 4 years to vote them out of office. That way we can't
forget about what they did. (As is so often the case.....)
What do you think?
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hey!
I just read the TIME MASTERS comic book (Issue #1), and it's pretty
funky! It's all about this guy, Rip Hunter, who is going to form a group of
time-travellers to battle....
THE ILLUMINATI!
(Fnord.)
Check it out, the series is just starting, and it looks pretty good!
-Pat
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*NEWS BL00P!* *NEWS BL00P!* *NEWS BL00P* What a fnord!
As the official Director of Emergency Medical Medicine and Fire Prevention
for the International M00se Illuminati (self proclaimed of course *smile*) I
hereby take a firm stance against the practices of arson and assault. M00ses
unite to whip out this bad feature we portray. What if a M00se was caught and
convicted????!!!!! Look at the allegations that would be brought upon our whole
organization! We can accomplish our goals in a much safer and caring way without
the use of these tactics. FNORD!
Remember, RESCUE M00se is here to help you. Need help?
Give him a call: STJS@MARIST
He goes by RESCUE-1 (yes...the relay op!) on the outside....
but he's really....RESCUE M00se!!!! Protector of M00ses!
BL00P!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Keep those submissions coming in! :)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NORIEGA `COCAINE' REALLY TAMALES
WASHINGTON (AP) -- The U.S. military now says 50 pounds of a substance
it seized at a house used by deposed Panamanian leader Manuel Antonio Noriega
turned out to be tamales instead of cocaine as the Army initially said, The
Washington Post reported today.
On Dec. 22, Col. Mike Snell, commander of a U.S. infantry task force,
told reporters his troops had found 50 pounds of cocaine in a house frequented
by Noriega, some of it wrapped in banana leaves inside a freezer. "We're sure
it was cocaine," Snell was quoted as saying.
However, the Post said officials in the Army's Criminal Investigation
Division have concluded the contents of the banana leaves were actually
tamales.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Fnord.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Submitted by: V067LUFD@UBVMS (Ruprecht)]
Did you know?
EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD
IS BAKED,
APPROXIMATELY
150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
KILLED.
____________________________________________________________________________
Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
"The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
-- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
"A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't."
____________________________________________________________________________
+------------------------------------+
| Evening showing in Johnson & Wales |
| Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19 |
+------------------------------------+
============================================================================
SPONSORED BY
Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
============================================================================
Defend all life: 'from greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: GreyFoxM00se
BORED TREK: THE NEXT-TO-LAST-DE-GENERATION. (we hope.)
Captains Log: Stardate: Today! This is the Q acting on behalf of Captian
Jean-Luc Picard who is at this very moment on the holodeck trying to have
sex with the image of a woman that Commader Riker programmed in on the episode
with the Binars.
Let's join them, shall we? This should be fun.
PICARD: So, mon chou, where are you from? (This is a frail attempt by the
Captain to "chat her up.")
IMAGE: You ought to know skinhead, you activated the images here on the
holodeck.
PICARD: Hmm. I thought that the image Riker created was not such an irate
personality. Perhaps I didn't break his code properly.
IMAGE: You mean you, the Captain of a Starfleet vessel, broke into the
access file of another commanding officer?
PICARD: Well, I wouldn't call it that, just that as a Captain, I get so
lonely sometimes.... (sigh!)
IMAGE: What about the Q? Couldn't he be your butt-slamming buddy?
PICARD: The Q??!! How dare you insinuate such a thing! He siezed my vessel--!
Q: (Unknown to Picard and Image but nonetheless onstage) Seized my vessel!
Siezed my vessel! Is that all that Galactic cutie--ah-- skinhead cares about?
PICARD: I heard that shit Q! Did you think that stupid parenthetical reference
could hide your lovely--ah-- ridiculous presence from me?!
IMAGE: I think I know what the problem is here, guys. You're really attracted
to each other, but neither of you would admit it. Q here has just been trying
to get your attention beacuse he's got a crush on you. You big thillys!
PICARD: Preposterous! I am not by any means a homosexual! And don't you
try to seize my vessel Q!
Q: Oh, cut the crap Picard-baby. Let's just go "do the nasty."
PICARD: Well...
Enter RIKER with Leiutennant Commander Data.
DATA: Sir, I am detecting the presence of the Q.
RIKER: You're right, Data. There he is, with... the Captain?
DATA: Sir, I am unable to comprehend. What I see occuring is usually expected
between the male and female of your species, much less the Captain whose
species I cannot identify save for "skinhead" and a mega-entity such as the Q.
RIKER: Data, just shuttup. Here, smoke this joint, and forget you saw anthing
here.
DATA: But sir, I am an android, I cannot forget.
RIKER: If you don't forget, I am going to reprogram you with a very large
axe, got that?
DATA: (Visiby shaken, for an android, anyway.) Yes sir.
PICARD: OOOOH! AAaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!
Q: Vreet! Whoop!~(*%(*^)(!!!!!!!!!!!!! <<<< FLASH!!!!! >>>>
RIKER: (to image) Alright, now that we're alone, assume the missionary
position!
IMAGE: Not again...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Narrator: Is Captain Picard really a homosexual? Or is he under the
all-powerful influence of the Q? Does Riker really get it on with a hologram?
Did Data really smoke that joint? And where is Wesley during all of this?
WESLEY: I'm getting it on with Counselor Troy, of course. She's got great
tits. I'm probably the only straight one on board this ship.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Thought you'd like to know another theory of the origins of haggis. :-)
It's by Monty Python.
Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay,
Horace ate himself one day.
He didn't stop to say his grace.
He just sat down and ate his face.
"We can't have this," his dad declared.
"If that lad's ate, he should be shared!"
But even as he spoke, they saw
Horace eating more and more.
First his legs and then his thighs;
His hair, his arms, his nose, his eyes.
"Stop him, someone!" Mother cried,
"Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
But all too late, for they were gone,
And he had started on his dong.
"Oh foolish child, " his father mourned,
"We could have deep-fried that with prawns,
"Some parsley, and some tartar sauce."
But H. was on his second course.
His liver and his lights and lung,
His ear, his neck, his chin, his tongue.
"To think we raised him from the cot,
"And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
His mother cried, "What shall we do?
"What's left won't even make a stew!"
And as she wept, her son was seen
To eat his head, his heart, his spleen.
And there he lay, a boy no more,
Just a stomach on the floor.
Nonetheless, since it was his,
They ate it. That's what haggis is.
- Monty Python
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[Submitted (unknowingly) by our newest m00se! Welcome to the Weirdness, S.! (I
don't know your first name.) See how easy it is to get published once you have
the all-powerful M00se Illuminati on your side? ;^) ]
How would you like a bowl of Snoopy
Stirred until it's thick and soupy?
Dog in a bowl
With a poppyseed roll.
Dig it?
Sure you do.
S. McDonald
<MCDONALD@HARTFORD>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEWS REPORT 29
25 May 1989
IBM ANNOUNCES EXTENDED MOUSE SUPPORT
The following is a direct, word-for-word reproduction of a recent IBM
'Service support' announcement. (Honest!)
ESD PRODUCT SERVICE SUPPORT
SUBJECT: NEW RETAIN TIP
Record number: H013944
Device: D/T8550
Model: M
Hit Count: UHC00000
Success count: USC0000
Publication Code: PC50
(H)elp, More? Tip key: 025
Date created: 089/02/14
Date last altered: 089/02/15
Owing B.U.: USA
Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU
Mouse balls are now available as a Field Replacement Unit (FRU). If a mouse
fails to operate, or should perform erratically, it may be in need of a ball
replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of
mouse balls should be attempted by trained personnel only.
Before ordering, determine type of mouse balls required by examineing the
underside of each mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign
balls. Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method, and domestic balls
replaced using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive, however excess handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon
completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each servicer have a pair of balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction and that any customer missing his
balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary functional
items.
(Submitted by GreyFoxM00se)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(Submitted by Ruprecht)
Description: Whenever I get depressed, I read this.
>In article <14050@reed.UUCP> jswanson@reed.UUCP (Grendel) writes:
>>
>Ok, how about a top 10 list of ways to kill yourself with a groundhog?
Here are a couple:
Take a groundhog, inject the groundhog with a large dose of methamphetamines,
place the groundhog inside your shirt. More than likely, the groundhog will
begin to tunnel into your chest cavity, thereby causing your demise.
Take a groundhog into a biker bar. Find the largest biker in the place. Hold
up the groundhog and say, "Hey donkey puke, this is your old lady ain't it? Oh,
excuse me, your old lady don't look this good." Death should follow within 20
seconds.
Take some electrical wire and attach one pair of leads to a twelve volt battery
and the other ends to the hind legs of the groundhog. Then hold the groundhog
near your throat. Slow but efficient.
--
- /| | Karl Klingman
\`O.o' -->GAK! | UUCP: gatech!stiatl!karl
={___}= Cubicles: Just say NO! | Internet: stiatl!karl@gatech.edu
` U ' |
______________________________________________________________________________
I read this and somehow I never get around to killing myself.
Ruprecht
V067LUFD@UBVMS
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Newsgroups: rec.backcountry
Subject: baking, and moose
> >Question:
> >How do any of you do any very good baking over a gas stove? I have
>
> "The NOLS Cookery" recommends that you build a "twiggy fire" on the
> lid, with pencil-thickness sticks. In order to bake anything that
> you can't flip, I think you have to have a heat source from above.
Yes, this works very well. Find a frying pan with a lid (I found
one with a lid, but the lid sloped, so I had to beat it into submission
with rocks!). When you're cooking, build a small fire on
top of the lid. Gee, it's *just* like an oven at home! We baked
bread (yeast, not baking powder), pizza, corn bread, &c.
Oh yes: only get twigs that have fallen to the ground. Don't pull
twigs off the trees, even the trees are dead. NOLS says that
people notice this (talk about taking minimum impact too far!)
One problem with my set-up is that the lid has no handle (I like to
check the baking every five minutes (yeah, I know you're not
supposed to do that!)). I guess this could be fixed by getting
someone to weld a chunk of metal to the outside of the lid.
Here's the important part: according to NOLS, after you're done
with the fire, you must walk around slowly, gently blowing the
ashes and twig remnants off the lid with your breath. That way, no
one will ever notice that you've built a fire. This is where the
artistry comes in: take ten minutes, no, fifteen, to do this.
Hell, make it a day hike. Last time I did it, I ran into a female
moose and a calf. You know, female moose (meese?)--the ones that
are supposed to be able to fend off an attacking bear when their
calves are threatened? But this particular moose in its superior
wisdom realized what a kind soul I was. I got to within twenty
yards of her, leaned up against a tree, and exchanged long stares
with her and her progeny. Must have stayed there for half an hour.
Was one of the high points of my wilderness experience. And all
because I scattered my ashes.
cheers, from
charles s. geiger, esq.
The University of Texas at Austin, Austin, Texas
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From: "Daniel F. Boyd" <consp04@BINGVAXU.CC.BINGHAMTON.EDU>
A computer-generated random flame.
Why, the system staff is fascist! Your ignorance reminds me of a surfboard.
How can you say that Multics is a really unpleasant operating system? Don't you
realise that Lassie was dead? Lousiness is pretty fun. I have many crazy
friends. Fool! How can you say that Groucho is improper? Life is subtlety,
right? You make me sick. You disgusting Chinese wanker! Ban religions! Your
prejudice reminds me of a bug fix. You should have a computer, huh? Don't you
realise that I wish I were a source license? I don't want to hear about your
sexual fantasy. You must be a real rat to think that short people don't get
married to fascist people because they can't spray paint that small. You sound
like a real sadist. Your lousiness reminds me of a system call. Primitive old
arsehole!
Arf arf arf...
-- Dan
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will ship separately, once I get the new list from HershM00se.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TREMENDOUSLY Overdue Issue - TREMENDOUSLY Overdue Issue - TREMENDOUSLY Overdue I
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
magazines/M00SE/m00se39
+373
View File
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If the fourth dimension is time, can I define a 4 dimensional array in a
computer language, display it, fill it, do some odd rotation with it, and have
the numbers I filled it with after I displayed it show up when I display it?
(Ie, send numbers into the past?) How would I test that, knowing the numbers
(having displayed it before I filled it)?
This seems like an extremely M00sey question...
Anyway, the idea came to me one night after eating a Subway Club with Extra
Jalepinos (I'm mildly allergic to Jalepinos, and they make me
somewhat...Buzzing... Kind of like eating Hash brownies...). I thought, "If the
fourth dimension is Time, and my computer can define a 4 Dimensional array, can
I use my computer to send messages back through time". The idea would be to put
numbers on the visible faces of a 4D array and rotate them in such a way that
they would go back through time. I've the concept down now, but testing leads to
a little difficulty -- if I print the array out first, I then know what numbers
were in there before and, well... paradoxes up the behind....
Maybe someone out there in M00seland can come up with a good way to test this,
but I don't want to mess with 4D arrays anyway, as I have enough troubles with 2
and 3 d arrays. Indexing becomes a bit complex....
array[x][y][z][WHAT] <- See?
Still, it is a neat idea...
-GreyfoxM00se
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Heinously Late Issue - Heinously Late Issue - Heinously Late Issue - Heinously L
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #39| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Mar. 21, 1990
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************************* STAFF ************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET> (Never gets issues out
on time.)
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET> (What a slug.)
Back issue requests: Max Handelsman <MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET>
and Johnathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
or <FSJPC@ACAD3.FAI.ALASKA.EDU>
AND Joanne Rosenshein <JROSENSH@SBCCVM.BITNET>
M00se List updates and changes: Herschm00se the Beanmeister
<JMP91@GENESEO.BITNET>
(This space to let): Contact WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
BRANDYM00SE contacted me, now she gets to be mentioned here. Wouldn't
you like to be a pepper, too? :)
(Who's paying this guy, anyway?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Howdy!
Yes. I know it's late. Yes. I know it's VERY late. But it's here now,
ain't it? :)
Sorry I've been so lax. My life has been a sine wave of late. Just when
things are going really well, something comes along and screws everything up.
Why is the header not the first thing in the issue? Well, time for
something different.....Python does it, why can't we?
Anyway, Happy Spring! On with the stuff!.....
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hey! Check this out, man! U.S. Law say I cannot buy booze, being under 21,
right? "Eeen Dees Country, I am too young to drink Wodka." or something like
that.
Anyway, same U.S. law say nothing about me buying
1) Grape Juice
2) Sugar
3) Yeast
Hmm, says the Organic chemest. You know what happens when you put that lot
together under the right conditions? You guessed it. A truly second rate wine
suitable for a frat party or whatever! And who said eddycation never pays?
'Course, it's not legal for you to put them together under the right
conditions... But what are they gonna do? Bust into your house, see this shit in
your closet, card you, and haul you off to the state penn? I somehow doubt it.
Anyway, if you does it right, and bottles it right, and let it sit for a few
months, it actually gets better! I have a half-bottle of 4-month old homemade
wine (Was a whole bottle yesterday ;-) that is actually quite tasty if a bit
sweet (I put too much sugar in, I think). It was AWEFUL three months ago. Really
aweful. Cloudy, grody, y'know... But most of the crud settled out sometime
during the 4 months. Neat trick that.
Anyway, I have the recipe about, if anyone wants it. It takes a couple of weeks
to ferment, and it (the recipe) is mainly a template from which you can deviate
quite severely if you wish (to go blind :-) Seriously, though, I've deviated
from in so severly as to use Bicarrdi Strawberry Daiquery stuff (It comes in a
can as frozen concentrate) to make a strawberry wine. That was pretty good too,
but it was too active to keep around (It somehow carbonated itself, and would
shoot out like the bottle had been shaken... strawberry wine all over the place.
No fun).
-GreyF0xM00se
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From: The Twiglit Zone <FSDEM2@ALASKA.BITNET>
Attention all M00se:
The white zone is for loading and unloading only. If you have to load or
unload, please go to the white zone. Attention all M00se: The white zone is
for loading and unloading only. If you have to load or unload, please go to the
white zone. That's the white zone. The red zone is not for loading and
unloading only. If you have to load or unload do not go to the red zone. The
plaid zone is not for loading. If you have to load, please don't go to the
plaid zone. Please do not go to the green zone, and do not even think about
loading or unloading in the yellow zone if you know what is good for you.
Loading and unloading is permissible in the pink zone on alternate days provided
the name of the month does not end in Q, P or R. If the name of the month does,
in fact, end in Q, P or R, loading and unloading is not permissible in the pink
zone; neither is it permissible in the blue, orange or red zones. The beige
zone may be for loading or unloading, however, not on the first date. All in
all, the white zone is your safest bet. The white zone is for loading and
unloading only. If you have to load or unload, please go to the white zone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
With snail mail rates going up, someone will probably eventually think that
maybe a computer net could be used to send a large amount of text mail...
Hmmm... Nah! It'll never happen ;-)
-GreyF0xM00se
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
According to Purdue's newspaper, "The Exponent," this week has been officially
declared National Orgasm Week by Rodger Libby, a sociologist and social
psychologist.
Libby says we need Orgasm Week "because we need positive news about sex. Over
the past few years the media has given sex a bad name, and I want to present
good news about sex."
This week, Libby will be delivering humorous lectures on the subject as well as
passing out condoms, lubricants, and pins which read "I Came for National Orgasm
Week."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I seem to recall in a not so distant issue of M00se Dr0ppings, that someone
mentioned the pandemonium of getting a rubber stamp together that said something
to the effect of:
THIS BILL HAS BEEN RECLAIMED BY THE U.S.
TREASURY DEPT. FOR DESTRUCTION. DO NOT
HONOR. IT IS NO LONGER LEGAL TENDER.
And then going around stamping all the $$$ we could lay our hands on. Feeding $1
bills into change machines, and then getting more bills for the change, stamping
them, and feeding them in, ad infinitum. Well, one of the questions raised was
"Where can we get them?" My fellow m00ses, that question has been answered. I
now work for the Cole Key Company, in the Maine Mall, in South Portland. One of
my jobs is key carving, and another is the fashioning of rubber stamps. Right
there in the store. I've already made my first prototype. I will gladly make
copies for any and all m00ses interested in this wonderfully heinous mischief.
The total cost for the stamp is $5.00. Tax here is 5%, adding another
$.25. Postage is close enough to $1 to make no nevermind, so the total cost for
an official unofficial m00se illuminati havoc stamp is $6.25, payable either
cash or check, whichever is most convenient. Please send to the following
address ASAP:
pay to the order of: Jeff Cavanaugh
University of Southern Maine
Room 253 Hastings Hall
Gorham, ME 04038
Please send payment soonest, and I'll send stamp soonest as well.
Happy government toppling to everyone, and bl00pski!!!!
Mitya the Red M00se
p.s. Pat and I have decided that t'would be best to use black ink for our stamps
as opposed to red, since WE don't want to be caught at this, knowhuttamean,
Vern..? Enjoy, and bl00p away!
MtRM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The time:Some time in the twenty third century
The Place:The USS Enterprize
Spock has just found out that pizza with anchovies makes him trip.
Kirk: Bones! What's wrong with Spock?
Spock: 'sssh nodhing wrong, capt'n, baby.
McCoy: It sounds like he's on drugs...
McCoy holds up his tricorder and scanner.
Tricorder: WHIRRRRRRRR WHIRRRRRR WHIRRRRRR <PING>
McCoy(Examining the tricorder): I'm not getting anything, though.
Spock: Oh, wow, man, the walls are breathing...
McCoy: Damnit, Jim! I think he's tripping. We'd better get him to
sick bay.
Kirk: What caused it?
McCoy: What has he eaten recently?
Spock: pizzah with anchovies and a side order of tribble juice.
McCoy: He's drunk tribble juce before, so it must be the Pizza.
Spock: Oh wow man, where's my shades?
McCoy: Damnit, Jim! He's getting worse...
Will the Enterprize ever be the same? Will Spock become a habitual
Pizza and (Ugh!) anchovies user? Will all the tribble juice suddenly
dissappear? Will I ever be able to turn out a FUNNY bar trek?
-GreyfoxM00se
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From: GR4302@SIUCVMB.BITNET
Subject: Randomly Generated Poetry (Wyrd oft nereth unfaegne...)
I programmed a small fast spinning database for glosses (easy to do on the
right machine), then gave it the 200+ most common words in the Anglo-Saxon
corpus (with MdnE glosses), indulged the machine in a variety of artsy
software, then went back to the database and spun it like slot machine or
randomly thrown Tarot, and received the following poetry:
Warrior, take thy journey creation long;
An Artifice falls, bloodies all heaven;
Measure much, choose when to
Ask, sit, thy bow let rest.
Allow worthy wrath against grasping rule.
Do thy wood work. Do not fail or lose the way.
Someone must protect the earth there--
Blood comes when some choose so much.
I wonder what R.A. Wilson would think?
Jeff T.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From: Jonathan Held <HELD61@SNYPOTBA.BITNET>
There was this keyboard. On this keyboard there was lots of
little keys. Each of the keys would sit and sit all day long. It was
quite a boring place to live. Then one day, U heard from Y who
heard from T who heard from R who heard from E about S. S was an
amazing key. She had curves that U would kill for. U knew that
he could never really get close to S because all of the other keys
were so crowded in that he couldn`t squeeze through to meet her.
U was very discouraged for a really really really long long long
time. He thought about S more and more, though he had never even
met her. He decided that he had to see her, he just had to. So he
began his planning.
A week later, he began his long trek over to S. First, he leaned
over and beat Y right into the keyboard. Now, he was getting
somewhere. U crawled over next to T, who was looking more and more
scared every second. U grabbed T by his shoulders, and flung him
right off the keyboard. The next obstacle was R.
R was a mean, rough tough bully. He kicked and punched at U,
trying not to let him through. However, U had his emotions
backing him up. He swung back at R, bouncing him up over the number
row. Finally at E, U lashed out as hard as he could knocking E
right into W and killing them both.
The rest of the keys were quite appalled at such behavior, all
except for S. S was really impressed by U`s strength and perseverence,
and was very flattered by the whole situation.
Finally, U and S were together.
The only problem is, certain words were totally out of the
question: you can`t spell TRY, RETRY, WET, WETTER, TREE, or WERE
anymore.
But we`ve still got US.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(this text is taken from Kathy Glomski on talk.religion.newage in News)
THE LESSON
Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them
around him, he taught them saying,
Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven
Blessed are the meek
Blessed are they that mourn
Blessed are the merciful
Blessed are they that thirst for justice
Blessed are you when persecuted
Blessed are you when you suffer
Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven....
Then Simon Peter said, 'Do we have to write this down?'
And Andrew said, 'Are we supposed to know this?'
and Phillips said, 'What if we don't know it?'
And Bartholemew said, 'Do we have to turn this in?'
and John said the other disciples didn't have to learn this
and Judas said, 'What does this have to do with real life?'
Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus' lesson plans
and another inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive
domain. A third chastised him for failing to include an anticipatory
set.
And Jesus wept.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: SFROBE@CLEMSON.BITNET
Subject: New Chapter Info
Official M00SE Corespondence _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
From: Stephen Roberts \_____/ () \_____/
President of the Stephen Roberts Chapter of / \
of The M00SE Illuminati / \__/ \
/__________\
Dear Fellow M00se,
I received your posting about the M00se illuminati and immediately became a
convert. Since there were no known existing chapters on the Clemson campus, I
preceded to declare my self a member, and immediately came up with a silly,
meaningless initiation ceremony with which I could initiate myself. Since that
time, I have strived to reach the ideals of M00sehood and spread the conspiracy
to as many new chapters as possible. As of this date, I have personally
presided over the opening of five new chapters here at Clemson. The M00se is
reaching out across our campus, slowly now, but with increasing speed. Already,
the SIGN is appearing across campus on boards and signs. Confusion and
bewilderment posseses the minds of the masses.
Below is the list of new chapters. Unfortunately, only one can be reached
by e-mail (other than myself).
Chapter name Presiding Bull Moose E-mail address
Stephen F Roberts Stephen F Roberts SFROBE@CLEMSON
Robert F Nelson Robert F Nelson RFNELSO@CLEMSON
Ted Collins Ted Collins
Joe Wintz Joe Wintz
Gary Ulmer Gary Ulmer
All of our new chapters would be interested in receiving a copy of M00se
Droppings, and anxiously await our first copy.
Thank you for enlightening me and our new throng.
Bloop,
Stephen F Roberts
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have to get the latest one from HERSCHM00se. I'll send it along when I
get it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heinously Late Issue - Heinously Late Issue - Heinously Late Issue - Heinously L
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
magazines/M00SE/m00se40
+512
View File
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Fruitbat Issue - Fruitbat Issue - Fruitbat Issue - Fruitbat Issue - Fruitbat Iss
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/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #40| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Apr. 09, 1990
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************************* STAFF ************************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
Back issue requests: Max Handelsman <MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET>
and Johnathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
or <FSJPC@ACAD3.FAI.ALASKA.EDU>
AND Joanne Rosenshein <JROSENSH@SBCCVM.BITNET>
M00se List updates and changes: Herschm00se the Beanmeister
<JMP91@GENESEO.BITNET>
Ben & Jerry's VermonsterFest (tm) Coordinator: BlAcKDoG <V115QRJ8@UBVMS>
(This space to let): Contact WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hmm.
Guess it's time to get another sporadic issue of this stuff out. Sorry
they are so irregular this semester. See, I'm on this new diet...and I'm not
getting enough fiber...and...
Ahem. Sorry! ;^)
Anyway, here it is.....
-Pat
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
From: agtoa!greyfox@uunet.uu.NET (GreyFoxM00se)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Lynette M. Conrad
Date: March 29, 1990
Subject: One Child's Wish
Hello. I am passing along a message that I got from a friend who
received it from the Children's Wish Foundation in Atlanta. If you can
please send a card and forward this information to your friends. It is
really neat that doing something as simple as sending a card will make
this child's wish come true....thanks....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Please join us in helping to make one extremely sick child's wish
come true... This particular child's name is Craig Shergold. He is seven
years old and has a very short time to live due to a brain tumor.
Craig's wish is to have his name added to the list of "Record
Holders" in the Guinness Book of World Records. The record he wishes to be
accountable for is the person who has received the most get-well cards ---
the record now stands at 1,000,265.
This is such a small task for us to accomplish for a precious
little seven year old.
Let's put a smile on Craig's little face with a get-well card and
let him know we all truly care by sending him a card as soon as possible.
All cards must be received by Craig by no later than Sunday, April 15th,
1990, and be mailed to him at the following location:
Craig Shergold
c/o Children's Wish Foundation
32 Perimeter Center East
Atlanta, Georgia 30346
Thank you in advance for your contribution to this 'small' request.
Please pass the word so that we can all help Craig's wish come true."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please, if you have the time, send a card to make Craig's wish come
true. I know it would mean the world to him. Thanks....
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Ed. Note] We did a bit of calculation, and realized that 1,000,000 letters, at
$.25 a pop, equals $250,000 dollars for the Post Office!
Can you say "vested interest?" I knew that you could! :)
-Pat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>: From: mosley@peyote.cactus.org (Bob Mosley III)
>:
>: Wednesday morning, Feb. 28, the offices of Steve Jackson Games, inc.,
>: were raided by FBI and Secret Service officials. The establishment was
>: shit down, and all computer systems, including the Illuminati BBS,
>: were confiscated.
According to Fearless Leader (the SJG-BBS sjsop, reporting on another Austin
BBS), not all the computers were taken -- just the BBS, a laser printer (Murphy
only knows what the Secret Service thought they could get out of that -- reading
the typewriter ribbon?), and some disks and papers.
>: As of this writing, the Mentor is reportedly out on bail, sans system
>: and network connection. The Illuminati BBS is still down, although SJ
>: Games is back in operation, and no charges have been filed against any
>: of the employees other than The Mentor. The systems owned by SJ Games
>: have not been returned as of this writing.
Mentor is Loyd Blankenship, recently made the chief editor at SJ Games. I
hadn't heard he was involved, though I'd heard an unofficial report that one SJG
employee's home was raided and his system taken.
The following is what appears if you call SJB-BBS right now (at 1200 baud or
less). (Sorry for the caps and weird formatting, the system they're using is an
old Apple II, considered expendable if the Feds decide to come back.)
GREETINGS, MORTAL! YOU HAVE ENTERED
THE SECRET COMPUTER SYSTEM OF
/\
/ \
/ () \
/ ____ \
/ / \ \
/__________\
THE ILLUMINATI
FRONTED BY STEVE JACKSON GAMES
INCORPORATED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. FNORD
NOTE! AT THE MOMENT ILLUMINATI IS AN READ-ONLY SYSTEM. READ THE INFORMATION
BELOW TO FIND OUT WHY. USING THE SPACE BAR WILL LOG YOU OFF. YOU CAN STOP THE
SCROLLING AT ANY TIME WITH A CONTROL-S. CONTROL-Q WILL RESUME THE SCROLLING.
YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT OUR CORPORATE MASCOT, WHO USUALLY GREETS OUR CALLERS
WITH A CHEERFUL SMILE, IS FROWNING TODAY. I THINK YOU'LL AGREE HE HAS EVERY
RIGHT TO.
BEFORE THE START OF WORK ON MARCH 1, STEVE JACKSON GAMES WAS VISITED BY AGENTS
OF THE UNITED STATES SECRET SERVICE. THEY SEARCHED THE BUILDING THOROUGHLY, TORE
OPEN SEVERAL BOXES IN THE WAREHOUSE, BROKE A FEW LOCKS AND DAMAGED A COUPLE OF
FILING CABINETS (WHICH WE WOULD GLADLY HAVE LET THEM EXAMINE, HAD THEY LET US
INTO THE BUILDING), ANSWERED THE PHONE DIS- COURTEOUSLY AT BEST, PROBABLY ATE A
FEW OF THE ORANGE SLICES THAT WERE ON FEARLESS LEADER'S DESK (WHICH THEY WERE
WELCOME TO, BY THE WAY), AND CONFISCATED SOME COMPUTER EQUIPMENT, INCLUDING THE
COMPUTER THAT THE BBS WAS RUNNING ON AT THE TIME.
SO FAR WE HAVE NOT RECEIVED A CLEAR EXPLANATION OF WHAT THE SECRET SERVICE WAS
LOOKING FOR, WHAT THEY EXPECTED TO FIND, OR MUCH OF ANYTHING ELSE. WE ARE FAIRLY
CERTAIN THAT STEVE JACKSON GAMES IS NOT THE TARGET OF WHATEVER INVESTI- GATION
IS BEING CONDUCTED; IN ANY CASE, WE HAVE DONE NOTHING ILLEGAL AND HAVE NOTHING
WHATSOEVER TO HIDE. HOWEVER, THE EQUIPMENT THAT WAS SEIZED IS APPARENTLY
CONSIDERED TO BE EVIDENCE IN WHATEVER THEY'RE INVESTIGATING, SO WE AREN'T LIKELY
TO GET IT BACK ANY TIME SOON. IT COULD BE A MONTH, IT COULD BE NEVER.
IN THE MEANTIME, FEARLESS HAS LOANED STEVE JACKSON GAMES THE APPLE SJSTEM THE
BBS RAN ON BACK IN THE OLD DAYS BEFORE JOENET. TO MINIMIZE THE POSSI- BILITY
THAT THIS SJSTEM WILL BE CONFIS- CATED AS WELL, WE HAVE SET IT UP TO DISPLAY
THIS BULLETIN, AND THAT'S ALL. THERE IS NO MESSAGE BASE AT PRESENT. WE APOLOGIZE
FOR THE INCONVENIENCE, AND WE WISH WE DARED DO MORE THAN THIS. HOWEVER, WE
AGONIZED LONG AND HARD, AND DECIDED IT WAS A COURTESY TO OUR CALLERS TO LET THEM
KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING.
AT THIS POINT WE DON'T KNOW WHEN THE BBS WILL BE BACK UP FOR REAL. IF YOU HAVE
IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR US, SUCH AS PLAYTEST NOTES, YOU CAN MAIL THEM TO US
(YEAH, I KNOW, ECCH) OR IF IT'S SOMETHING TRULY IMPORTANT, YOU CAN REACH US AT
OUR VOICE NUMBER (512-447-7866). IN THE MEANTIME, FEARLESS WILL BE CHECKING IN
ON A REGULAR BASIS ON SMOF (512-UFO-SMOF) AND RED OCTOBER (512-834-2548).
IN PARTICULAR, IF YOU HAVE DOWNLOADED THE GURPS CYBERPUNK PLAYTEST MATERIAL THAT
WAS ON THE BOARD, PLEASE LET US KNOW RIGHT AWAY SO WE CAN ARRANGE TO GET A COPY.
SOME OF THAT MATERIAL WAS NOT EASILY REPLACABLE, AND WE WOULD LIKE TO GET COPIES
- IT WOULD MAKE GETTING GURPS CYBERPUNK OUT MUCH, MUCH EASIER (AND IT WOULD COME
OUT THAT MUCH SOONER). PLEASE CALL US AND ASK TO TALK TO CREEDE OR LOYD FOR
ARRANGEMENTS.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING, AND THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS GIVEN US WORDS
OF ENCOURAGEMENT AND SUPPORT. WE HOPE WE'LL BE BACK ON LINE, FULL TIME, VERY
SOON.
-- STEVE JACKSON GAMES AND
THE SJSOPS OF THE ILLUMINATI BBS
<<END MESSAGE>>
<<LOGGING OFF>>
The comment about GURPS Cyberpunk playtest material is interesting -- that was
the project Loyd was working on, and it sounds like the Secret Service made off
with all the copies SJG had. Wonder if they're confusing gaming with reality?
Incidentally, I am a frequent user of SJG-BBS, and I've never seen anything
there that the government could find remotely interesting, and the sjsops of
Illuminati BBS have been *very* careful to run a clean system. About the only
place they might find anything would be in the private e-mail system, if that.
---Walter
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
For those of you who remember WAAAAAAY back to Issue 30, Steven
"Fruitbat" Foster unknowingly contributed a piece entitled "Daydreams of a Kinky
Fruitbat" to our 'Droppings. I've finally located a working address for him, and
have sent him some info on the M.I. and such. He has decided to join our
illustrious ranks! Welcome, Fruitbat! (And, of course, welcome to all the new
m00ses that have joined recently! ....And I see Jimmy, and Charlotte, and Kim,
and David, and all sorts of other m00ses through the Magical Romper Room (tm)
Mirror....)
His address (Fruitbat's), if you care to write, is:
IN%"foster@jumbly.enet.dec.COM"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NATURAL HISTORY OF FRUITBATS
Fruitbats: description
Fruitbats are small, brown and mildly furry. They have the cutest faces of any
bat, little pointy ears that stick out and very sharp teeth designed to be
indignant with. There is a great variety of size in fruitbats, ranging from
twelve inches in height, to a little over six foot tall. A fruitbat will
generally flitter about at great speed making little "meeping" noises. It
is pretty much impossible to determine what it will do next.
Fruitbats: habitat
A fruitbat is a small unassuming bat whose natural habitat is dark forest in
some of the warmer places of the earth. For unknown reasons, some fruitbats
have migrated northwards and are now living in warm and comfy centrally
heated houses in the UK. It is thought that this maybe the result of early
explorers adopting them and introducing them to culture.
Fruitbats: food
The rustic bats will live mainly on rotting mango, which is a good source of
essential alcohol. The fruitbat will spot a mango from the treetops and
spiral down at great speed making anticipatory happy meeps. Opening its mouth
wide it then dives into the mango where it will suck the juice until incapable
of moving. Predators are wary of attacking a feeding fruitbat, which will
either attack with its sharp teeth, or launch into a rendition of "The Time
Warp", depending on how long it has spent in the mango. The main alternatives
to mango in the fruitbat diet are Mars bars and Guinness. It is generally
not advisable to provide too much of these though, as a fruitbat will eat
them whether it is hungry or not.
Fruitbats: mating
With very little else to do other than meep and get pissed on mango, fruitbats
tend to mate fairly frequently, although more scientific investigation needs
to be made into what constitutes a breeding pair. This is further complicated
by the fruitbat philosopy that "if it's got a big dick and a supply of Mars
bars then its as near to being a fruitbat as makes no odds". This leads to
problems of aviation. To attract the other fruitbats, most have now evolved
to be too well endowed to fly. A fruitbat who attempts to fly is likely to
make the following conversation prior to plummeting to the ground:
"Meep, meepety meep, meep, <sees other fruitbat> ooh, meep, Aaarrrgggh!".
A small proportion of fruitbats are heterosexual. This abnormal behaviour
is tolerated in the fruitbat community, but is limited to those over 21.
Fruitbats: domestic
A fruitbat makes a wonderful addition to a household. It is extremely
difficult to gain their affections, but when you do, it'll be very difficult
to ever extricate yourself from its arms again. A good starting point when
attracting a fruitbat is to own a large collection of mars bars and to be
able to cook (a change from raw mango is always nice).
Fruitbats: language
Fruitbats have a rich and varied language - depending more on tone and
facial expression than anything else. When the only word in the vocabulary
is "meep", this is probably just as well. Beginners in this language have
great difficulty in hearing the subtlety of some meeps, so be warned.
Here are some examples:
Meep (decisive): I want my fur stroked.
Meep (murmur): Yes, please carry on stroking my fur.
Meeeep(growl): Carry on stroking, or I'll bite.
Meeeeeeeeeep(wail): He's not stroking my fur any more.
Meepety meep meep meep(excited): He's unwrapping a mars bar
Meepfth(indistinct): Thank you for my mars bar. Now stroke.
By Steven "Fruitbat" Foster <foster@jumbly.enet.dec.COM>
(c) Digital Equipment Corp.
PS - I'm currently working on the revised fruitbat (king henry the eighth
edition) bible. I'll mail you a copy when it's finished. If you have that sort
of mind, then you'll probably appreciate it :-)
-Fruitbat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome to the Splat Factory!!!!!
These are the entries to the most wonderful request to
Falling Euphisms or Another Name to becoming one with the
road in a very Zen-Like way.....
You know, Like Street Pizza
He pulled an "eat-the-street" from the 15th floor.
He did his "dead-bird-flying" imitation.
Spatula Surprise
Terminal Face Plants
Manhole cover imitations
Temporary speed bumps
Extra-large armadillos (Only for those who have driven on Texas ranch
roads)
Modern art (perhaps abstract art, depending on how far you fall)
Decceleration Trauma
Concrete Poisoning
Cement Overdose
Sidewalk Scrapings
Blood Pancake
Gutter Puddle
Death by Inertia
Curb-Diving
Street Spatter
Millimeter (wo)man
roadkill
retread
resurface material(blacktop/whitetop/<color>top)
crow dinner
gutter gulash
Thank you, Alt.Suicide.Holiday for making this list presentable.
Now do we have any euphemisms for Slitting Our Wrists out there?
Like Hemoglobin Interior Decorating or
Personal Porcelain Finger Painting?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
=================================================================
Photocopies of this have been kicking around our office
for ages. It has no author's name attached or any publication
information so I have no idea where it originally came from.
This may be a little out of season but from what I guess, you can
plant kuzu any time of the year and enjoy it for generations to
come. For those of you up north, yes this is a real plant, and
rumor has it that there are odds being taken, on when Georgia
will disappear under a cover of the stuff.
=================================================================
Gardening Tips from Down South
How to Grow Kudzu
All you beginning gardeners out there might want to
consider growing kudzu as a fine way to launch out into the great
adventure of gardenning in the south. Kudzu, for those of you
not already familiar with it, is a hardy perennial that can be
grown quite well by the beginner who observes these few simple
rules:
Choosing a Plot:
Kudzu can be grown almost anywhere, so site selection is
not the problem it is with some other finicky plants like
strawberries. Although kudzu will grow quite well on cement, for
best result you should select an area having at least some dirt.
To avoid possible lawsuits, it is advisable to plant well away
from your neighbors house, unless, of course, you don't get along
well with your neighbor anyway.
Preparing the Soil:
Go out and stomp on the soil for a while just to get its
attention and to prepare it for kudzu.
Deciding When to Plant:
Kudzu should always be planted at night. If kudzu is
planted during daylight hours, angry neighbors might see you and
begin throwing rocks at you.
Selecting the Proper Fertilizer:
The best fertilizer I have discovered for kudzu is 40
weight non-detergent motor oil. Kudzu actually doesn't need
anything to help it grow, but the motor oil helps to prevent
scraping the underside of the tender leaves when the kudzu starts
its rapid growth. It also cuts down on the friction and lessens
the danger of fire when the kudzu really starts to move. Change
oil once every thousand feet or every two weeks which ever comes
first.
Mulching the Plants:
Contrary to what may be told by the Extension Service,
kudzu can profit from a good mulch. I have found that a heavy
mulch for the young plants produces a hardier crop. For best
results, as soon as the young shoots begin to appear, cover kudzu
with concrete blocks. Although this causes a temporary setback,
your kudzu will accept this mulch as a challenge and will reward
you with redoubled determination in the long run.
Organic or Chemical Gardenning:
Kudzu is ideal for either the organic gardener or for
those who prefer to use chemicals to ward off garden pests.
Kudzu is oblivious to both chemicals and pests. Therefore, you
can grow organically and let the pests get out of the way of the
kudzu as best they can, or you can spray any commercial poison
directly on your crop. Your decision depends on how much you
enjoy killing bugs. The kudzu will not mind either way.
Crop Rotation:
Many gardeners are understandably concerned that growing
the same crop year after year will deplete the soil. If you
desire to change from kudzu to some other plant next year, now is
the time to begin preparations. Right now, before the growing
season has reached its peak, you should list your house and lot
with a reputable real estate agent and begin making plans to move
elsewhere. Your chances of selling will be better now than they
will be later in the year, when it may be difficult for a
prospective buyer to realize that underneath those lush green
vines stands an adorable three-bedroom house.
{ed I didn't know what Kudzu was, so the submitter provided the following
information.}
From "The American Heritage Dictionary":
=============================================================================
Kudzu (kood'zoo) n. A vine, Pueraria lobata, native to Japan, having compound
leaves and clusters of redish purple flowers and grown for fodder
and foiage.
=============================================================================
Kudzu was introduced to Georgia earlier this century in an attempt
to provide improved fodder for cattle. It worked ALL TOO WELL. Cattle
do love kudzu but not nearly as much as kudzu loves Georgia. Georgia
provides nearly ideal climate and growing conditions for this rapid growing
and hardy perenial (that's "hardy", as in calling nuclear weapons "explosive").
People have been known to leave home on vaction down here only to
return a week later to find cars and other LARGE objects buried under it's
lush greener. It climbs telephone poles and crosses wires. It's eradication
is a major expense to utility companies. The City of Atlanta has used
bulldozers to dig up the tubers in vacant lots. It's resistant to most
"safe" chemicals although 2,4,D has some effect if used frequently enough.
It's sometimes call "yard-a-night" down here because that's how fast it
seems to grow. The only question seems to be whether the "yard" referred
to is that of "3 feet" or that of "front and back". Rumor has it that some
of the roads in the more rural areas don't get enough traffic and will be
covered by kudzu after a long holiday weekend.
It is a very pretty vine in early spring and summer. It's broad
leaves and flowers are quite attractive until you start to realize that
the dead stick, that it's sunning itself on, use to be a hugh pine tree.
In the winter, the first hard frost turns kudzu into tons of ugly brown
leaves and thick vines. It becomes a real eyesore and possibly a fire
hazard although I haven't heard of any actual kudzu fires. The plant regrows
new vines from the ground up every year, so you can see it's growth rate must
be phenominal.
I understand that the Japanese make a highly regarded form of tofu
from kudzu tubers. It is supposed to be prized for it's nutty flavor (soy
tofu is rather bland). The Japanese cannot produce enough to meet their
own demand and think we're NUTS for trying to eliminate it. I haven't
been able to confirm this use for kudzu, but, if true, they may well be right.
We've got plenty of hungery people and LOTS of kudzu!
The existance of kudzu in a neigborhood has been known to, adversely,
affect property values. The threat of planting kudzu in someone's yard is
generally considered an extreme case of "fight'en words", potentially followed
by "justifiable homicide". Regardless, you can still obtain kudzu seeds
from several major seed companies who list it as a "hardy ornamental
perenial". If understatement was a crime they'd be history.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. <funny@looking.ON.CA>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** ANARCHIST'S CORNER ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes! A new area of the newsletter! (At least for now.)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
DMSO := Dimethyl sulfoxide == Methyl sulfoxide == (CH3)2SO
500 ml @ $18.25 from Aldrich Chemical (HPLC grade)
Irritates, but not very toxic. Can carry things on your skin into
the bloodstream or tissues with great ease. Be cautious about the
quality of DMSO used; any contaminants will go into your body too.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I have heard about this stuff, and I guess the "Dead Kennedys" did a
song about it a while back.
It appears that some guy took some DMSO about 20 years back, and laced
it with LSD. Then he put it on the door handles of cop cars in L.A. or San
Francisco.
DMSO carries whatever it's mixed with through your skin in full-potency!
He made an LSD 'contact-poison'! All the cops were tripping out and wrecking
their cars and such. Sounds pretty Discordian....
I've been looking through some chemical catalogs, and that price is
pretty accurate. It varies from company to company, but averages between $18 and
$30 per liter.
-Pat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't heard from HerschM00se the Beanmeister in AGES! I wonder if
she's still out there....
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Fruitbat Issue - Fruitbat Issue - Fruitbat Issue - Fruitbat Issue - Fruitbat Iss
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magazines/M00SE/m00se41
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ANTI-SUNDEVIL ISSUE----ANTI-SUNDEVIL ISSUE----ANTI-SUNDEVIL ISSUE----ANTI-SUNDEV
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\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
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/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue 41 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 07/06/90
---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ----------
is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p.
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
Bill Dickson takes the helm again/Pat steps down
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS
Submissions needed
Help needed reaching hard-to-reach non-bitnet m00ses
EVENTS AND NEWS
Comment
Fascism in the US part I: Operation Sundevil
Fascism in the US part II: Lies in the war on drugs
New non-network thr0ng: The Damn Whitefish Thr0ng
Fascism in the US part III: Martial Law
FICTION AND POETRY
An interesting little anonymous piece
M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
System privileges as they would apply to real life
Donald Trump -- M00se in the making?
The Usenet Oracle answers a question about goldfish
MEET THE M00SES
None this time, I'm afraid
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Surprise.
I'll bet I was the last person you were expecting to see here again. Yes,
it's true, the real world has me firmly in its grasp, I've graduated with a
B.A. in English Literature, I have my own apartment, I'm paying for my own car,
I have my own kitten (Lisa Miranda), and my own little inadequate job. I also,
for the first time in some fifteen years, have my evenings free with no guilt
attached. And time on my hands.
So I wrote to Pat, who I hadn't heard from in a while, and mentioned that
my palms were itching a bit. He said he just didn't seem to get around to this
editorship business very often anymore, and I decided to take the helm, at
least for a while. So here I am, once again gracing your free blocks.
I've had some strange urges lately. No, not *that* kind of urges, you
filthy m00ses, you. No, strange editorship urgues, coupled with indignation
with the national status quo, and various other things I can't really get a
handle on. Also, I've spilled cream soda into my keyboard. But I digress.
What this all means is, I'd like to launch the M00se Illuminati into a new
direction. A -- dare I say it? -- somewhat serious direction. Not *too*
serious, mind you, but I'd like to get some organization into it, get a better
handle on who we are and what we're really about.
Part of this will be reflected in M00se Droppings, at least while I
continue to edit it. I'm thinking movie reviews, music reviews, announcements
of m00sey events around the world, announcements of nastiness going on that
m00ses may wish to write their congressthings about. That kind of stuff.
Among the other things I hope to do are:
1) Get a list of all m00ses. Not just Cyberm00ses (m00ses
with network access), but any chapters that have sprung
up around the world without direct network access.
2) Make ourselves known. This may seem like a strange thing
for an illuminati group to do, but let's face it -- as an
underground group, we haven't much influence. If many
different people start receiving mail, or reading editorials
from people stating that they are part of the M00se Illuminati,
they're going to start to notice. And if we grow, our
power and influence for covert action will increase as well.
Everybody knows the CIA exists, but it doesn't slow them
down.
3) Start a paper newsletter. Once I get such a project off
the ground, I will surrender M00se Droppings once again.
A paper newsletter will have several advantages: It will
reach those m00ses who do not have network access; it will
be fully protected by the First Amendment; it will look
impressive; seeing it passing through the mail will make
people paranoid. Any one of these reasons would be sufficient
by itself. Combined, they are irrefutable. Sadly, this
project must wait for me to get certain equipment, namely
a repaired hard disk and a better printer. But then, we'll
be in business.
Part one I would like immediate help with. Please send me the names of
any m00ses you know of who are not on the net, along with their addresses if at
all possible.
Part two, we should begin talking about immediately.
Part three is mostly my baby, but suggestions are welcome.
That's enough from me for now, though. Now, Issue 41. As Pat had already
begun this issue, please consider him co-editor, and we'll kick it off with the
editorial he had written.
Bl00p,
Bill.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Well, here we are, at the end of another year. For me, it's the end of
my third year (out of a probably SIX! ;^) ) and it's been pretty good.
If the administration permits, I will be on the system all summer, and
should have more free tyme than I did this semester. If that is the case, and
you guys keep sending me strange and wonderful things, then I'll keep doing this
piece of lunacy.
As I write this, it's 4.30 am, Monday, May 14th. And I'm not even in
Buffalo, but at home, in Oswego, NY for a few days, logging in through my Mom's
account (CHILDS@OSWEGO.OSWEGO.EDU and she loves mail, if you get my drift...).
I'm all done with classes, and I have no finals! (Nyah! Nyah! ;^) )
I'm currently reading the Shrodinger's Cat Trilogy by Robert Anton
Wilson. It's pretty good so far! This book (trilogy, actually) is the sequel to
the ILLUMINATUS! Trilogy. If you haven't read THAT yet, then may I make a
suggestion for your summer reading list?... :)
I've also picked up Wilson's "Illuminati Papers" and "Coincidence". I've
read I.P., ant it's great! "Coincidence" looks good, but I haven't gotten to it
yet.
Enough book reviews....
For those of you who are going away for the summer, and have no Net
access, have a good tyme, and hope to see you next fall! If you are (well, you
know...the "G-word") and you won't be back next year because you're going out
into the quote real-world unquote, have fun, good luck, stay m00sey, and work
yourselves into the positions that have been agreed upon and await further
instructions fnord.
(We ARE a conspiracy, after all! ;^) )
If you won't be able to receive mail this summer, drop me a note and let
me know, so I can remove you from the mailing list and save lots of net-traffic.
For those who are still here, send me some stuff, and let's keep the summer
weird!
Fnordially yours,
-Pat Salsbury
Hi. This is Pat again. It's now 9.50 pm, Fri., June 29th. It's about 6
weeks since I worked on this, and I appologize for not getting it out.
3 days after writing that bit above, (Thus., May 17th.), I had a
motorcycle accident. I hit a guard rail going about 40 mph, and wiped out my
bike. I wasn't seriously hurt (thank the Fnord), but I wasn't able to get back
onto my account for a while, and when I finally did, I just never got around to
finishing this, and sending it out. Again, I apologize.
Strange thing was...I was wearing an Illuminati T-shirt when I had the
accident, (with a BIG eye-in-the-pyramid design on the front!), and suspiciously
escaped any serious bodily harm fnord. ;)
Bill Dickson, our esteemed founder in Hartford, Conn., wishes to take
the helm of our newsletter again, so I return it to him, and wish you well. I'll
still be in touch, and will answer any mail sent to me (hint-hint!). Hopefully
he'll be more on schedule than I have been of late. :-)
Take care, all! It's been a blast!
-Pat
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SUBMISSIONS NEEDED!!! We must restore this organization to its ultra-powerful,
pristine condition, and the key is an exciting and interesting newsletter!
Send your submissions to me, Pickle, at DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET. Please label
them as submissions in the subject line, and, if possible, include a reference
to the section you think your submission falls under, if any.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I have been unable to reach the following m00ses through the gateways. If
anybody knows of a working address to reach them, please notify me immediately.
INET%"AGTOA!GREYFOX@UUNET.UU.NET"
JJZ@S.CC.PERDUE.EDU
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No wife, No horse, No mustache.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
OPERATION SUNDEVIL: Any of you who didn't receive the long article I
mailed out about Operation Sundevil, the government's unethical, and in some
cases unlawful intrusion into cyberspace, let me know and I'll send it. It's
scary stuff.
Not quite as scary as what happened on Wednesday night, June 27th, though.
On Relay channel 173, the Anti-Government Channel, we of the Politics
discussion list (POLITICS@UCF1VM) were just settling into our topic for the
evening -- Operation Sundevil. As the first sentence of the conversation was
transmitted, the Relay network collapsed. We were separated into groups of two
and three, in some cases chopped down to individuals. And though most of the
Net gradually reassembled itself over the course of the next hour (RELAY@YALEVM
never did come back up, of course), we couldn't help feeling as if there was a
*little* more than coincidence involved.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[I don't think this one comes from a m00se, but it's interesting nonetheless.
Even if you've never smoked the stuff, or aren't for legalization, the point
about selective coverage by the media is important to us all. Read Noam
Chomsky's _The_Washington_Connection_ and _Manufacturing_Consent_ for more
info. -WRD.]
Listen up, tokers! I got some primo dirt on the partnership for a drug-
free America. I'm sure that you have all seen the "brainwave" anti-herb
commercial (brainwaves of a "normal" 14-year-old are shown, followed by the
barely blipping, almost totally flat brainwaves of "a 14-year-old after smoking
marijuanna"). Well, as it turns out, the partnership was/is full of shit (no
big suprise to anyone, I'm sure).
This commercial was seen by Dr. Donald blum, a professor at UCLA. Dr.
Blum has done research on brainwaves, including brainwaves of people after
smoking herb. The brainwaves experienced after getting high are called alpha
waves. Alpha waves are also experienced during meditation. They represent the
creative side, the moment when one lets go and the new energy is allowed to
flow in. Alpha waves DON'T look like straight lines.
Dr. Blum took this info to ABC on Nov. 2nd, 1989.
On Nov. 17th, 1989, the partnership for a drug-free America admitted that
they had not used the brainwaves of a young pot smoker, but had in fact USED
THE BRAINWAVES OF A PERSON IN A COMA!!!!!!!!!! When questioned by ABC
reporters as to why they did it, the partnership said that they thought that
the effects of herb were so dangerous that they felt it was better to lie to
the american public to save them, as opposed to telling the truth.
I learned of this by reading an interview with Jack Herer in the April
issue of High Times. Apparently, the major media has chosen to ignore this
case of caught-red-handed public disinformation (a fact that I find very
disturbing, but not suprising).
I urge all anti-governmental-bullshit types to start spreading the news!
Tell everyone who doesn't know! Our government is lying to us about pot, who
knows what else they're lying to us about?! Since the media is obviously out
to hamper and discredit the legalization movement any way they can, it's up to
US to give people truthful, responsible information about drugs. It's up to US
to go to rallies and tell our fat-assed, facist, vote-mongering excuses for
political leaders that WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE!! See you in the
street!!
Dope Smokin' Dave
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'd like to take some lines now to introduce a new thr0ng of the M00se
Illuminati -- not a cyberthr0ng, just a normal thr0ng, known as the Damn
Whitefish Thr0ng. It is a most promising thr0ng.
It seems Mike Harm, Founder and Traveller extraordinaire, was on a boat
bound for Athens one midnight in late March. He stumbled upon a group of
people passing a bottle of grappa and swapping stories, and joined them.
Soon after, he fell in with John, one of the members of that group, and
Peter, John's friend. They began to travel together, and strange and wondrous
are their tales.
Three in particular are of interest. The first is the tale from which I
derive this new thr0ng's name (the thr0ng made up of John and Peter, in case
you hadn't guessed). It is the tale of the Damn Whitefish.
At some form of high school event, a "senior night" sort of event, Peter
and John signed up to perform the theme from "The Love Boat" in front of the
entire student body, and a good deal of the faculty. Given their history at
this school, the officials should have called in the riot squad instantly; but
no, they nodded and signed up the act.
When it came time for John and Peter to perform the theme from "The Love
Boat," they walked out on stage with a kazoo (in John's hands) and a relatively
fresh, five-foot-long whitefish, acquired earlier that day as far as we know
(in Peter's hands). As John played "Yankee Doodle" on the kazoo, periodically
pausing to scream "DAMN WHITEFISH!!!" into the microphone, Peter proceeded to
swing the fish by its tail repeatedly, pounding it to pulp against the stage.
The effect was impressive. Faculty and students alike were splattered
with fish bits, and gore covered the stage. Everybody (except John and Peter)
was appalled. It was truly a sight to behold.
The second story is the story of the haunting. John and Peter instructed
Mike in the fine art of haunting important national landmarks. Essentially,
what you do is throw a sheet over your head and run around the landmark in the
middle of the night, saying "WooooOOOOOooooooo! WOOOOooooOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!"
in a high-pitched voice. John and Peter haunted many places, including the
Eiffel Tower (second floor). Mike joined them to haunt the Acropolis. We hope
to get together and haunt several landmarks in New York City, and perhaps some
places in Hartford as well. We think it would be good for m00ses to join us.
The final story is the brief tale of John and Peter's discovery of the
M00se Illuminati.
"But what is this organization *for*?" they asked.
"*No*," said Mike, "You don't *understand*....."
They decided it was one of the coolest things they'd heard of in a long
while.
So, let us all welcome John and Peter into the M00se Illuminati, as the
Damn Whitefish Thr0ng. When I can beat them out of Mike, I'll send their
addresses.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[This item was pulled from POLITICS@UCF1VM. It originally came from Bob
Bickford, rab@well.sf.ca.us. I can't speak for its accuracy, but it's not
the kind of thing to take chances with. -WRD]
EMERGENCY -- ACT!
by Tomas Estrada-Palma
and Larry Monaghan
A new bill, HR 4079, co-sponsored by Representative Newt Gingrich and
Senator Phil Gramm, would open the way for American concentration camps to be
built, and thereafter permit the state to round up suspected drug users so they
can be forced to work without compensation for the state.
"The Drug and Crime Emergency Act" drips with patriotism as Gingrich tries
to vaguely connect the freedom movement in eastern Europe with America falling
deeper and deeper into "the slavery of drug addiction."
The bill proposes suspending the Constitution for five years so millions
of illegal drug users can be held by the state in concentration camps. All
internees will be forced to work and if anyone is caught with drugs in the
camps they will have one year added to their sentence each time -- with no
right to appeal.
HR 4079 calls for declaration of a five year national state of emergency--
in essence, martial law. It proposes reopening the concentration camps of
WWII, using active and inactive military bases as prisons, and a new privately
owned prison system as well. To aid in accomplishing this, the 4th Amendment,
the 8th Amendment, and habeas corpus are either superseded, redefined, or
disallowed. A provision has been built in to allow the government to purchase
goods manufactured by prison slave labor. To ensure the duration of this labor
force, all previous maximum sentences would be changed to minimum sentences.
New mandatory sentences would be applied, and probation, parole, and suspension
of sentences revoked.
To provide an even greater pool to draw from, mandatory drug testing of
just about everyone above junior high school level has been included. The
resolution carefully avoids addressing the funding necessary.
Even after 30 press releases were sent out to all the national and local
news outlets by Maryland Libertarian Party members, there has been practically
no mention of the bill in the media. The state evidently is hoping to sweep
this bill into law right under our noses while we are all preoccupied with
other events taking place around the world. Surprisingly, the response from
libertarians as well as mainstream folks has been one of complacency.
Everyone needs to make phone calls and write letters. Direct your
correspondence to the media and your representatives as well as Gingrich and
Gramm. If they don't think you care about this bill becoming law -- it will!
Act now or cry behind the barbwire later.
reproduced from the July 1990 Libertarian Party NEWS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pretty little birdies,
Picking in the turdies.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Would that it were so. From Ice Lord (DICRESCE_PEJ@CTSTATEU.BITNET) -WRD.]
"This just can't happen to me, I've got access to SYSPRV, something must
be wrong."
Let's face it, there comes a time in every privileged user's life when he/
she finds out that privileges may have their uses, but don't you wish you could
use them in real life as well? Dream Equipment Corparation has come up with
the answer. A fully interfacable life modification system that plugs straight
between the unibus and reality, and is ready and waiting to help the privileged
user run his or her life.
$ set def life:
$ run lauthorze
LAF> Mod bike/noflat_tyre
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> ^Z
$
$ set def lief:
$ run lauthorze
%LIFE-F-FNF, file not found lief:lauthorze
Do you wish to create a new life? N
$ set def life:
$ run lauthorze
LAF> Mod fingers/nomistakes
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Show headache
there are no defined hours of occurance
VICTIM: you SIGHT AFFECTATION: nil
DURATION: 2 hours ADDITIONS: Nausea, Cold Skin, Dry Tongue
ETA: .3 hours PAIN LIMIT: +2 (Richter)
AFTEREFFECTS: nil MAXIMUM PAIN LIMIT: infinite
PRIMARY DAYS: Sat Sun
SECONDARY DAYS: Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri
1:00 2:00 3:00 4:00 5:00 6:00 7:00 8:00 9:00 10:00 11:00 12:00
P Days ---- **** **** ---- ---- **** --*- --** ---- ***** ***** *****
S Days ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- **** **** **** **** ----- ----- *****
LAF> mod headache/victim="someone_else"/victim_type=prick/pain_limit=7
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> ^Z
$
$ set def life:
$ run lauthorze
LAF> mod bank_manager/thoughts="Give loans away freely"
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Mod bank/nomortgage
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Mod Miss_Universe/winner="Miss America"/loser="Miss Scandinavia"
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Mod wage_scale/add=20000
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> ^Z
$
$ set def life:
$ run lauthorze
LAF> Mod TV/More_Black_Adder/no_more_Dallas
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Mod religion/nodoubts
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> Mod personality/life_and_soul_of_the_party
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> ^Z
$
$ set def life:
$ run lauthorze
LAF> remove pope/heartattack
Cosmic Universe Updated, pope dies of heart attack
LAF> mod government/new_government=National
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> copy Fletcher_Challenge_Management Government/head_man="Muldoon"/nostrikes
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> add knowledge/access
Cosmic Universe Updated
LAF> sh me
Default Mother: Yours Default Father: Yours Birth Place: Yours
Name: Yours Age: Old enough Expiry Date: Soon!
Max Faults: Unlimited Max Lives: 9 Death place: Hospital
Max Wives: 3 Career: Computers Mode of Death: Resp Failure
Privileges:
LIFEPRV, CHANGEAGE, MODLIFE, BYPASSALL, AVOIDDEATH, ALLOWALL
LAF> mod me/passaway
--- Universe Going Down ---
--- Please adjust reality accordingly ---
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[What happens when you take too long to put out a newsletter? It gets dated,
that's what! From AGTOA!GREYFOX@UUNET.UU.NET. -WRD.]
We oughta get ahold of Donald Trump and involve him in the conspiracy! With
a few billion behind us, we'd be unstoppable! Or rather, MORE unstoppable.
With that kind of bread, we could start a M00se lobby in congress! We could
elect M00ses to high public office! Schools could be required to offer
courses in chaos engineering! What fun!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[I was never a great Oracle fan, but now and then comes an answer that must be
passed around. Every once in a while, I'll pick out a couple. -WRD.]
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> My Goldfish has recently gone off his food, and is behaving in an odd
> manner. First of all, a few days ago, he began swimming on his side and
> has a glazed look in his eyes, nothing i could do would make him change
> this. Now he is looking rather peaky and giving off a strange odour and
> i'm beginning to get worried. Is it me or is my goldfish trying to tell
> me something?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Do not be alarmed. This is perfectly normal behavior for a goldfish.
} It is just one of those phases in its life cycle. The next phase is
} called "decay." Large chunks of its flesh will break off and float to
} the surface. During this phase, the odor will get a little stronger.
} The water will become slightly murky. You may even discover a
} population of insects and minute organisms in the water. Eventually,
} the goldfish will appear to disintegrate entirely. It's at this point
} that I like to remove the water to a large dutch oven, add chopped
} onion, a little garlic, a few peppercorns, and a bay leaf and boil to
} reduce. You'll end up with a delicious fish stock that I hope you enjoy
} as much as I do.
}
} By the way, some humans prefer to bypass the "decay" phase and go
} directly to the "flush-down-the-toilet" phase.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll be revamping this section, trying to do an interview-format (come to
think of it, like Goblinm00se and Godfrey did way back when...)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A complete list of cyberm00ses will follow this newsletter. From that
point on, I will send an update in this section. When the list has changed
significantly enough (only *I* shall know, heh heh heh), I'll send a new copy
out. Au revoir, and bl00p!
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IL ISSUE----ANTI-SUNDEVIL ISSUE----ANTI-SUNDEVIL ISSUE----ANTI-SUNDEVIL ISSUE---
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magazines/M00SE/m00se42
+546
View File
@@ -0,0 +1,546 @@
================================================================================
ANSWER TO THE ULTIMATE QUESTION OF LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING ISSUE -- AN
================================================================================
_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue 42 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 07/14/90
---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ----------
is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p.
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
Bill says many pointless things
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS
A call for thr0ng-a-thons
BOOK REVIEWS
Daniel Pinkwater -- his works
M00se Book of the Month: The Mulch of Aval0n, by 0laf 0lafs0ns0ns0n
INTERESTING ARTICLES
Survival in the wake of the increasingly improbably nuclear holocaust
A classic: The history of the world according to history students
The new, official, standardized M00se Illuminati system of measurement
(part one)
M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
The Oracle speaks
MEET THE M00SES
Still nobody this time
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome to this, issue number forty-two of "M00se Droppings." Not much
has happened in the past week; I haven't had any new news on the Electronic
Frontier Foundation (the group formed to fight Secret Service fascism on the
Net), or HR 4079 (the pre-bill designed to help further the fascist turn the
country is taking). Oops, actually, that's not quite true. I received a test
message from the EFF, indicating that I'm on their mailing list, and I received
the beginnings of HR 4079 from somebody on the Politics list, with a promise
that more would follow. But that's about it. The practical upshot? Sadly,
this issue will contain very little, if any, political content.
Now, I want you all to know that I'm very disappointed, submission-wise!
I have received submissions from b0liver shagnastY iv and Warm00se, and plans
from Goblin, but nothing else! We must have MORE!
On a lighter note, this issue will be mailed to the David Tarr chapter,
currently residing in Dublin, Ireland. Everybody wave to Dave, all one hundred
and seventy-five of you! Dave has been overseas for about a year now, working
in London, travelling Europe, and now (as I said) working in Dublin. He
probably doesn't get enough mail over there, and I'm sure he'd like to hear
from you. One can never have too much contact with the United States of
America, after all. Dave's mailing address is:
David s Tarr
c/o USIT
Aston Quay
O'Connell Bridge
Dublin 2
Ireland
Don't forget to mark the envelope or package "Air Mail." We want Dave to
get it soon, don't we?
Lastly, before I start the issue, I want you all to know that you can
purchase a plastic ED-209 toy, approximately 5 1/2" tall, at Toys Backwards R
Us for $9.99.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The summer is drawing to a close at a startling rate. Time to plan
thr0ng-a-thons!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************** BOOK REVIEWS **********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Recommendations from Warm00se. -WRD]
Hi all!
I am here to make a recommendation for all of your summer (or other)
reading lists, and to nominate somone for Honorary M00sedom. The person in
question is Daniel Pinkwater, allegedly a "children's author", but, if you read
his stuff, you'll see this is not so. True, his books are found in the
Children's section of the library, but...well, read them and you'll understand.
:)
Pinkwater is brilliant! His stories are amusing, and I'm almost SURE he
knows about...THEM (fnord). I've seen stuff in several of his books and I'm
positive. I think we should make him and honorary m00se, and perhaps (just to
confuse him), actually contact him and notify him of his in(ab?)duction! ;)
His books are short, too, so you can usually read most of them within
20-30 minutes. (Now you don't have an excuse NOT to read them! :) )
Anyway, check his stuff out! It's great! I've included a list below of
some of his works.
Also, if you look at his picture on some of the book jackets, you KNOW
he's one of us. :)
Books written and in many cases illustrated by
DANIEL PINKWATER
(a.k.a. Manus Pinkwater, D. Manus Pinkwater,
Daniel M. Pinkwater, and others)
* Alan Mendelsohn, The Boy From Mars
* Atilla the Pun
Bear's Picture
The Big Orange Splot
* Blue Moose
Return of the Moose
* The Moospire
The Blue Thing
Fat Elliot and the Gorilla
* Fat Men From Space
* The Hoboken Chicken Emergency
The Last Guru
* Lizard Music
Magic Camera
* The Magic Moscow
Pete, the Pestiferous Polecat
Pickle Creature
Superpuppy (with Jill Miriam Pinkwater)
The Terrible Roar
Three Big Hogs
Tooth Gnasher Super Flash
* Wingman
Wizard Crystal
* The Worms of Kukumlima
The Wuggie Norple Story (illustrated by Tomie De Paola)
* Yobgorgle: Mystery Monster of Lake Ontario
* The Muffin Fiend
* Slaves of Spiegel
* = Ones I've read
This list is taken from "The Worms of Kukumlima". Copyright 1981. I've
added to it a bit.
-Pat Salsbury
(DangerM00se)
V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET
SALSBURY@AUTARCH.ACSU.BUFFALO.EDU
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[Yet Another m00se b00k of the M0nth Club selection, from b0liver
shagnastY iv.]
The Mulch 0f Aval0n
by 0laf 0lafs0ns0ns0n
Just when you thought you'd read the tale of Arthur and his Camel0t from
every possible point of view. The Mulch 0f Aval0n (6528 pages, $59.95 from
Batman Books) spins an enchanting tale of knights, druids, and all that crap
(especially the crap) from the point of view of a blue b0ttled shit fly. A
must for the fantasy fan who likes to think he/she is reading real literature
and not just another piece of fantasy crap (in fact, the reader is reading not
only crap, but ABOUT it). Learn the contents of an Arthurian banquet--0laf
0lafs0ns0ns0n has thoroughly researched his material. What grade of hay did a
jousting horse eat just before a tourney? 0lafs0ns0ns0n also retells the story
of the Crystal Stool of Merlin with a decidedly more human twist. And what was
the secret sin of Guinevere that only a shitfly would know?
An exerpt:
Myllwenquill's wings almost gave out as he finally
landed on a clump of dung near the soldier's
encampment. Something was wrong in the air. He
listened as nearby he heard the boy-king who was
now a man making plans with his trusted aides.
Myllwenquill's proboscis twitched again. Something
was wrong about this pie. It smelled like a
croissant--it must belong to that French Knight,
who had never been bested in combat. He was now in
the service of the King, it seemed.
Yes, you too can own this epic fantasy.
Regular price: $59.95
M00se B00k Club price $599.50
6 book dividends and 23 CitiDollars
Do not send a message to us in 3 days if you want to recieve this
selection.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[b0liver shagnastY iv, of the Wilfred Hyde-White Memorial Thr0ng, provides us
with this massively useful item. -WRD]
SAFETY TIPS FOR POST-NUCLEAR LIVING
1. Never use the elevator in a building hit by a nuclear device; use the
stairs instead.
2. When flying through the air, remember to roll as you hit the ground.
3. If you are on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable substances.
4. Don't attempt to communicate with dead people; it only leads to
psychological problems.
5. Food will be scarce; you will have to scavange. Learn to recognize foods
that will be available after a nuclear holocaust: mashed potatoes,
shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
6. Remember to cover your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be
scarce in the post-nuclear age.
7. Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
8. Drive carefully when travelling through "heavy fallout" shelters; people
could be staggering illegally.
9. Nutritionally, a $100 dollar bill is equal to a $1 bill, and more sanitary
due to limited circulation.
10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-day.
--Author unknown
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Many of you may have seen this before, but those of you who haven't will get a
kick out of it. Submitted by Gary Olsen. -WRD]
The article below is from "Verbatim" magazine, around May of 1987.
The World According to Student Bloopers
Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted
together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student
bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade
through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cul-
tivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge
triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and
Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, "Guinesses," Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their
children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice
Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark.
Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they
did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led
them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the
ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He
fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth
is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the
River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by
Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship
that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer
but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government
of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't
climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the
Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the
guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he
was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor
subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur
lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the
Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the
victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta
provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer
of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter-
ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg
for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated
by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that
made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot
clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir-
gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be-
fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and
defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in
Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one
of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving
himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac-
beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an
example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel
Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise
Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships
were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims
crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they
landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill
rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on
their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses,
which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was
responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with-
out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over
stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the
colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented elec-
tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself
cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father
of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,
"In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address
while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He
also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave
the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch
the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865,
Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in
a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a sup-
posedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was
invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the
apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel
was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died
from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He
was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for
this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accom-
plished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the
crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish
gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon
became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He
wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she
couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in
the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen.
She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of
her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final
event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure
for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the
Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the
Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,
ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Submitted by myself and Mike Harm. -WRD]
The world is in need of many things. But it occurred to Mike Harm and
myself recently that one thing it needs very badly is a new, standardized
system of measurement.
Look at the facts: The English system has been rejected almost all the
world over. It is old, it is unpopular. Clearly it cannot become the world
standard.
The metric system, on the other hand, has been rejected by the most
powerful nation on the planet (the United States) as well as the most powerful
third world nation on the planet (Great Britain). In addition, it lacks
personality. Nobody wants to order a liter of beer, or a half liter, or five
hundred milliliters. It just doesn't sound right. It's a cold system.
So we have taken it upon ourselves to solve this problem. Below is the
beginning of the new M00se Illuminati Standardized System of Measurements.
Additions to this system will appear in later issues. Everybody start
converting!
I) VELOCITY
For our unit of velocity measure, we have chosen "furlongs per fortnight."
This unit will replace the previous standards of MPH and KPH, and all
derivatives thereof.
Conversion is quite simple. There are 220 yards in a furlong, or 660
feet, or .125 miles. Therefore, there are 8 furlongs in a mile. (Bear in
mind, we are only using "miles," "yards," "feet," and any other obsolete units
of measurement to help define the new units.)
One mile per hour would therefore be eight furlongs per hour. Since there
are 336 hours in a fortnight, one mile per hour is equal to 2,688 furlongs per
fortnight. From this figure, we can create the following chart:
CHART ONE -- VELOCITY MEASURE
MPH KPH FPF
=== === ===
0.6 1 1,612.8
01 1.67 2,688
10 17 26,880
20 33 53,760
30 50 80,640
40 67 107,520
50 83 134,400
55 92 147,840
60 100 161,280
75 125 201,600
100 167 268,800
Speed of sound (sea level, 46.72 CaH): 321,994,007
Speed of Light: 1,802,617,506,000
The chart contains many commonly-used velocities. Most figures are
rounded, as this is a general-use chart, not a scientific-use chart. Any
velocities not shown on the chart can be calculated as above. Change your
speedometers. Get bumper stickers that say "147,840: it's not just a good
idea, it's the law," and "147,840 saves lives."
II) TEMPERATURE
As most of you will no doubt agree, the current practice of using a single
system of temperature measurement to measure both hot and cold temperatures is
silly. How similar is the core of the sun to the antarctic deep-freeze? Not
at all, of course! So why do we insist upon using the same system to measure
them?
We have addressed this problem by creating TWO units of temperature
measurement. For cold temperatures, we have created the "Coldashell" (CaH). A
single Coldashell is equal in size to 1.37 degrees Farenheit. Zero degrees
Coldashell equals -32 degrees Farenheit. To convert from degrees F to degrees
CaH, use the following formula:
(dF + 32) / 1.37 = dCaH
where dF = degrees Farenheit, and dCaH = degrees Coldashell. You will not, of
course, have to convert in the other direction (since CaH will from now on be
the standard); therefore, no conversion formula is provided for CaH to F.
To deal with hot temperatures, we have created the "Hotashell" (HaH). A
single Hotashell is equal in size to pi degrees Celsius. Zero degrees
Hotashell equals 50 degrees Celsius. To convert from degrees C to degrees CaH,
use the following formula:
(dC - 50) / pi = dHaH
where dC = degrees Celsius, and dHaH = degrees Hotashell. Again, since there
is no need to convert in the other direction, no formula is provided.
Conversions between all four systems are shown on the chart below:
CHART TWO -- TEMPERATURE
Far. Cel. CaH HaH
==== ==== === ===
0 Coldashell -32 -36 0 -27
0 Farenheit 0 -18 23 -22
Freezing (0 C) 32 0 47 -16
Room temp. 72 22 76 -9
Body temp. 98.6 37 95 -4
0 Hotashell 122 50 112 0
Boiling 212 100 178 16
Well, that's it for now. Stand by for next issue, and additions to the
official, standardized M00se Illuminati system of measurement!
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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[Even the Oracle must deal with awkward questions. -WRD]
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> I love you.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well there isn't really much one can say to this, I'm extremely flattered and
} If you'd stop by my house I'd show you how much. My address is:
}
} 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC
}
} Ask for Mr. B, they'll know who you mean.
}
} You owe the Oracle a service, you must remove WWF from TV.
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There have been many changes to the list, so instead of an update, a new
complete list will follow this issue.
================================================================================
SWER TO THE ULTIMATE QUESTION OF LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING ISSUE -- ANSW
================================================================================
magazines/M00SE/m00se43
+424
View File
@@ -0,0 +1,424 @@
================================================================================
ELVIS IS EVERYWHERE ISSUE -- ELVIS IS EVERYTHING ISSUE -- ELVIS IS EVERYBODY ISS
================================================================================
_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue 43 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 08/09/90
---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ----------
is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p.
================================================================================
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**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE *****************************
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EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
Standard opening from WRD
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS
Files available from Pickle
Honorary M00se candidate
EVENTS AND NEWS
The Water-Logged Thr0ng-a-Th0n
The US invades the US
A most m00sey wedding
INTERESTING ARTICLES
The Hunting of the M00se
Elvis Presley -- Pr0t0m00se?
Thomas Jefferson on the Illuminati
M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
Campus Crusade for Cthulhu
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Greetings, and welcome to Issue #43. It's late, I know, and I apologize.
It took me a while to get material for it, and once I did, I wanted to hold it
over for a report on an event that happened this past weekend, and I wanted
more political content (which didn't really show, dammit ). But here it is,
with some interesting and amusing items, and I hope you enjoy it. Be good, be
m00sey, and send submissions!
-Bill
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************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS *****************************
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I have, in my account, copies of HR4079 (the Newt Gingrich idea discussed
in Issue #41) and "Crime and Puzzlement," the article about Operation Sundevil
written by John Perry Barlow. Both are far too long to include in M00se
Droppings, but anybody who wants a copy should contact Pickle at:
DICKSON@HARTFORD.BITNET
These files are important, and frightening. Order your copy today.
In addition, I have the new, revised M00se Illuminati information files.
There are now three files: M00se.History, M00se.Charter, and M00se.Info. If
you would like an updated copy, please send me a note.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Honorary M00se candidate suggestion from Goblin: Grant Morrison, writer of the
"Animal Man" comic series.
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****************************** EVENTS AND NEWS *********************************
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[Sounds like a good idea to *me*. From Goblin. -WRD]
Howdy all, (Bl00p!)
How about a Summer Water-Logged Thr0ng-A-Th0n?? The M00ses in the general
area of New England (and those who are willing to trek here from various
distant-far-off-lands) could gather at a random place near water and bring as
many floatation devices as they can create or buy and have a grand gathering.
We could meet in M00sup connecticut if it has any lakes or water. Or any other
m00sey-sounding place. I think the best bet would be to find a place with a
great BIG lake and some space...and have a cook-out & a water-logged gathering!
Anyone like the sugestion? Anyone know of a likely State Forrest? Or does
anyone have access to a place that fits the discription?
How about it? August sound likely? I myself prefer having the Water-
Logged Thr0ng-A-Th0n somewhere in the first two weeks of August. But whatever
works would be cool with me...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Some political content that you all may not have heard about. Pilfered from
the Anarchism list, via the Politics list. -WRD]
Is the rest of the country aware that the U.S. army has attacked U.S. soil
for the first time since the Civil War in the Operation Greensweep raid in
Humboldt County, California? We're talking about 200 troops in camouflage with
M-16s, helicopters etc. searching for deadly marijuana plants in the Kings
Ridge national forest. At least three Civil Rights violations were reported in
the first day of the raid, and a law suit is expected to follow. People have
had M-16s waved in their faces with no explanation on private land, chased off
hiking trails, etc., all in the name of "giving the forest back to the people."
In fact, according to govt statistics, no one has been hurt by marijuana
growers while visiting the national forests of Humboldt Co. (or elsewhere in
N. Cal.) for years (the only incidents that have ever occurred involved
disputes between growers, cops, and thieves).
The fruits of this operation are laughable. After 4 days of operations,
200 men have succeeded in finding only 600 plants; in comparison, a single
helicopter eradication team averages nearly 300 plants per day. In short, a
total boondoggle.
Meanwhile, the army is trampling over some of the most beautiful backwoods
wilderness land in the state, chasing hikers and hunters away and barring local
people from access to their land. The excuse for this abomination is that
President Bush promised the Latin Americans that he would adopt the same
tactics against our drug producers as he was urging them to adopt against
theirs. In short, he promised to treat America like a banana Republic! So
much for all those narco-trafficante hippies in Humboldt Co. Your recreation
area may be next! Protest now to the Bureau of Land MisManagement.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[An unauthorized account by Pickle. -WRD]
Marriage is an institution. But there are occasions that make it seem
like a good one. Oddly enough, caught up in an optimistic mood even after a
long, dark, 245-mile trek to Syracuse, I had the opportunity to attend just
such an occasion.
On August 4, 1990, on a bluff overlooking Lake Ontario, a medium-sized
group of people gathered together to bear witness to the marriage of Christy
Russell, AKA GypsyLynx, to Steve Phillips. Nearly half the group, including
yours truly, was dressed in renaissance garb, to suit the ceremony that had
been chosen for the wedding. The sun shone more than adequately, and the lake
lent a unique atmosphere to the event.
The bride looked perfect in her outfit, and the groom looked worthy of
her. The ceremony was brief and elegant, lasting not quite as long as the kiss
that completed it. All the single women in the area got the opportunity to
pluck a bow from the bride's skirt for luck in love and marriage, and we set
off for the festivities planned to follow at a nearby Renaissance faire.
It was a long day, and a lovely day. The faire was large and shady, with
many friendly, interactive personalities wandering around keeping us all
entertained. I taught the tax collector the secrets of the ancient martial
art, KenKausch, and enjoyed a pleasant, icy neck-rub from a friendly young
peasant woman who was helping me cool down. The bride and groom were honored
with an announcement of their marriage at the joust, in the queen's presence,
and their favored knight, Sir Micheal, put on a fine show until he was defeated
by the cowardly, cheating Sir Geoffrey (who may not spell his name that way) in
a treacherous, clearly illegal move.
When the wedding mead ran out, this writer was able to satisfy his thirst
at the many pubs at the faire, drinking a splendid quantity of ale. After a
joyful and friendly pubsing to end the faire, we all went home, wishing the
newlyweds a fine honeymoon.
Naturally, no superb day can go unblemished. Par for the course, yours
truly stumbled into the company of the bride's sister, a remarkable and
beautiful woman who helped make the afternoon still more enjoyable. Sadly, she
lives in Arizona. But such developments are to be expected.
All in all, an experience to make one most glad for the couple and for
being there to enjoy it. I now have a much higher opinion of faires in
general, and, Leviam00se willing, will see some of you at another one in the
not-too-distant future.
M00ses present (off the top of my head): Christy, Steve, Pickle,
Alacrity, Lord Trelf, Sabre, Guardian Angel, Half-Elf, the Innkeeper, Warm00se
(who I finally met), Scamp, Ice, Niniane, Kamikaze. I apologize most profusely
if I have forgotten anyone!
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**************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ******************************
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[Submitted by Goblin, a m00sitarian issue close to our hearts. -WRD]
Greetings fellow Bl00pers and Bl00p-ets,
There is a grave matter that I would like to bring to your attention, a
threat to our cousins in wilderness, the m00se (m00ses, Meese?) and Deer. They
are being hunted and killed at an alarming rate in our country. In New
Hampshire, people are trying to make a difference and march against this
injustice. (What do you expect from a state whose motto is "Live Free or
Die?") What about the rest of us? We could make a difference as M00ses. The
only way to stop the senseless waste of animal life before it is too late is to
write to your senators and speak out! There are animal rights groups all over
the world that are always looking for volunteers, maybe the M00se Illuminati
could leave their H00fprint on the world for endangered animals?
I will have an address of a New Hampshire resident sometime soon who is
a wealth of knowledge on the M00se and Deer issue. She would be happy to talk
to any interested folk.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Submitted by Pickle. -WRD]
ELVIS PRESLEY -- PR0T0M00SE?
There have been many myths and speculations hanging around Elvis like a
shroud for the past fifteen years (more or less). Claims that he is not dead,
that he was murdered, that his ghost has appeared in mold spots on kitchen
appliances, have all abounded in this great country. The fine documentary film
"Mystery Train" records an appearance by Elvis in a woman's hotel room. And,
of course, the National Enquirer has listed more instances of Elvis-related
supernatural phenomenon than one can comfortably count.
Is it all a sham? A hoax? Have millions of people been deluded? Or is
it science that has betrayed us, attempting to deny the truth about one of
history's most important and powerful social icons?
Well -- yes and no, on all counts.
We must acknowledge that the body of Elvis Presley lies in its final
resting place. The coffin is full, the headstone in place.
But is that all there is to a human being? Can that possibly be all there
is to Elvis, who may have been something more than a human being?
Let us consider the facts. Elvis has survived, without pause, in the
collective subconscious of the world, since his "death" on August 16 of 1977.
But he has not survived in the form he died in -- he is not remembered as a
tremendously overweight glutton, he is not canonized as a pathetic drug addict.
Nay, he exists in the collective subconscious as the young, healthy, heroic
Elvis, the Elvis who rescued the helpless and sang his heart out in the films
that were made. Indeed, he is remembered not as he *was*, but as *what he
would like to be remembered as*.
In short, the Elvis that is being kept alive in the minds of countless
people around the globe is an *ideal* Elvis; a Jungian Elvis, if you will.
This is the Elvis that is painted on velvet, this is the Elvis that Mojo Nixon
sings about.
But how could the Jungian Elvis differ so from the Elvis we saw in his
last years?
My theory is that Elvis was in possession of extraordinary power -- the
power, not only to immortalize himself with the energy of others' minds, but
the power to remake himself into the perfect being that he must be to provide
the spiritual guidance that is his responsibility. Any illuminated being, such
as a Bavarian, could achieve the first -- but the second? That would require
the power of illuminated *confusion*, a power that we of the M00se Illuminati
have refined beyond the abilities of other, lesser conspiracies.
The evidence points very clearly, I think, toward Elvis as an early,
secret disciple of Leviam00se. He helped pave the way for our great
organization, and even today, the Jungian Elvis furthers our goals world-wide.
Let us now recognize Elvis Presley as the higher being he is, and always has
been.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[This remarkable item submitted by JiMb00se. -WRD]
It will make all m00ses a bit gald to know that at least one founding
father thought rather highly of the whole deal.
I was preparing a long list of Jefferson quotes for a project I am working
on, when I came across a reference to the Illuminati by *Thomas Jefferson*!
I quote:
"I have lately by accident got a sight of a single volume
(the 3rd) of the Abbe Barruel's _Antisocial Conspiracy_,
which gives me the first Idea I have ever had of what is
meant by the Illuminatism against which 'Illuminate Morse',
as he is now called, and his ecclesiastical and monarchical
associates have been making such a hue and cry."
He goes on to explain that "Barruel's own parts of the book are prefectly
the ravings of a Bedlamite."
He notes though, that he deciphered from the direct quotes of Wishaupt
(founder of the Illuminati) a good deal about what the Illuminati are about.
It seems that Wishaupt thought that the Masons had turned away from the
true teachings of Christ (which, to Jefferson, meant a bunch of stuff about
True Liberty). So he founded his secret society to spread, according to
Jefferson "information, reason, and natural morality among men."
I finish with another long quote:
"This subject being new to me, I imagine that if it be so
to you also, you may receive the same satisfaction in
seeing, which I have had in forming the analysis of it;
and I beleive you will think with me that if Wishaupt had
written here, where no secrecy is necessary in our endeavors
to render men wise and virtuous, he would not have thought
of any secret machinery for that purpose..."
How about that?
Honest to m00se, I ain't makin' it up...
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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[Every once in a while, we like to advertise for the competition. It helps
keep their guard down. This submitted by b0liver shagnastY iv, author
unknown. -WRD]
CAMPUS CRUSADE FOR CTHULU
"It found ME!"
"The obscene idol grotesquely squats on top of a rough hewn granite
pillar. The fire around it crackles and roars high. We are joyously dancing
around it all; hands linked, half naked, we are whole, laughing with joy and
desire."
Searching for excitement, power? Seeking a higher cause, one worthy of
your very life? The Campus Crusade for Cthulhu offers all this, AND MORE! How
does Tall, Green, and Slimy sound to you? Pretty scary. But you can handle
it. You will have to learn how to. You will learn to yearn for the soft
squeezing caress of undulating tentacles. Or you will be eternally sorry that
you did not. Think that you are searching for meaning still? Well, search no
more! We have found you. Soon, when you expect it least, our agents will
contact you. Soon you will not have to worry about anything. Ever. Again. We
know more about you than you can ever learn about us. And who are we?
We are both the oldest and the newest college organization in existence.
We are sponsored by the ancient Cthulhu Cult, which predates all history.
Before the United States of America, before ancient Greece, before Atlantis.
Before the first Illuminati attempts at world conquest our tentacles had an
unbreakable grip upon the entire Earth. We have never let go. Ever since we
were pre-men, the Cthulhu Cult has served the Great Old Ones, the unspeakable
horrors of legend. It is they who lived eons before they brought life upon
this Earth. They came from distant unknown space, falling out of the sky upon
our virgin Earth. Through covert means, their lurking shapes held sway over
our young planet, guiding it's course to serve their own needs. They destroyed
the dinosaurs when they were done with them, and so made way for the first men.
The Old Ones died three million years past, gone into the Earth, under the sea.
Dead they were, yet undead; their dreaming still bodies reached out, and so
molded the minds of our distant ancestors. The greatest of their High Priests,
whom we know as Cthulhu, lay deep within his sunken R'lyeh Temple and guided
all of history through the Cult. Ever we have prepared the world for the day
they shall return. Then the world shall fall under the clinging grip of the
Great Old Ones reborn. And only those who serve them in this life shall
survive. For a time. That is why we worship Cthulhu, why you cannot afford not
to. Ever we await his return from his tomb at R'lyeh. For we know that the
words ever hold true.
The history of our club is a strange and wondrous one; early on in this
century the ever growing Cthulhu Cult founded the Campus Crusade at Miskatonic
University, the hallowed center of learning located among the misty hills of
Arkham, MA. Our first moves were carefully planned: information tables in the
University Union, arcane bake sales, ceremonies in the remote regions of
campus, and the like. After a year we had become a campus fixture.
The next year we reached out for other campuses. Yale, New York
University, SUNY-Binghamton, they were but a few. Now we have over 666 schools
in our rule. And that is only counting the United States!
Remember the uprisings of the sixties, REMEMBER Kent State? They were
small experiments on our part, to demonstrate our power.
By the end of the second year we had possession of the entire University!
Classes were cancelled so that all could take part in our ceremonies and ritual
Virgins of both sexes begged to be sacrificed on our behalf. Our political
control of Arkham was absolute.
Remember, we have been watching you for a very long time. We will
continue to do so for the rest of your life. However long that shall be is up
to you. So, join the fastest growing conspiracy on the planet! Be ready for
the time of the re-awakening.
* Intimate contact with those of like interests.
* Eternal companionship in this life and the next.
* The safety of numbers.
* Spiritual support in case of legal prosecution.
* Enhanced lifespan: chances of surviving the return of the
Great Old Ones double when you are with us.
* POWER -- Come the New Time, you will be given absolute control
over the city of your choice, if all turns out as planned. The
festering remnants of humanity will be yours to do with what you
wish.
* Never again shall you be bored!
* Never again shall you be cold!
* AND you get your very own membership card, which entitles you
to a ten percent discount on all items stocked at our numerous
occult shops!
* Greatly reduced life expectancy.
* Justified paranoia.
* Constant fear.
* Great chance to become a Cthulhu breakfast snack.
* A death guaranteed NOT to be quick and painless.
* For your own safety... Write for more information: CAMPUS
CRUSADE FOR CTHULHU Box 544 SUNY-Binghamton New York 19301
Or stop by our Offices in Phoenix, Denver, Salt Lake City, Philadelphia,
Los Angeles, San Francisco, Dallas, Macon and Nashville.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All right, folks, please remove the following m00ses from your list:
BETH1@KSUVM
BENDZINS_THV@CTSTATEU (Salmonm00se)
JDOTY@WESLEYAN (The Keeper)
JBLUESTEIN@WESLEYAN (WabeWalker)
Total Lost M00ses: 4
Also, please change KG5927@BROCK1P to KARL@BROCK1P.
Lastly, there is another change. But I'll let him tell you about it in his own
words:
This server is dedicated to a single function: correcting the spelling of my
name. It cannot be accessed by listserv command, and is in fact, an entirely
theoretical construct. It has come into being because I have detected
misspellings in the following: Bill Dickson's M00se Illuminati distribution
list, Jimbo Wales' Jimboserver, and the pardon that was just given to me
by the governor for hacking up 37 innocent bystanders with a herring. All
three spelled it as "Olsen" which is not only 20% incorrect, it violates
the new FCC obscenity standards. Please correct this or I'll tell Tipper
Gore where you live.
Gary W. Olson
34EPWQL@CMUVM
(In case you didn't notice, Gary's name was spelled "Olsen" in the last version
of the m00se list.)
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue 44 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 09/08/90
---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ----------
is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p.
================================================================================
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**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
More rantings from the Editor
Comments on possible directions for the M00se Illuminati
The Elvis/Boats debate
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS
Updated m00se files
EVENTS AND NEWS
A new landedm00se
Rat Pucking in Connecticut
INTERESTING ARTICLES
Signs of Universal M00seness and the Dawn of the Bl00p age
FILM REVIEW
Pump Up the Volume
M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
A new look at the Iraq situation
A possible new feature for M00se Droppings
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Hail and well met.
You now hold in your grubby little account issue #44 of M00se Droppings.
Congratulations. Spread it far and wide, and try to increase our membership.
Those of you who are more astute than the average toad may have noticed
that this issue is kind of late. Well, I apologize for that, and can only
plead lameness. Yes, that's right - I am leading a Lame Life.
Now, this shouldn't come as too great a surprise. Most people lead lame
lives, but most people don't notice it. As my roommate said (and as other,
better people have said before him): You go to school, you graduate, you get a
job that you don't really like, you either get married or never meet anybody
who will consent to join you in that venture, and then you just kind of exist.
The problem is, you get bored, and then you get listless, and then you
don't get around to doing things like editing and mailing your magazine, just
because.
But then, you realize that you have founded a Force for Good in the world,
named the M00se Illuminati, and that you must not be quite normal after all,
and that goddamn it, you're going to put that magazine out because it's one of
the few things that can counteract the drudgery of your pathetic text
processing job. So, here it is!
Nah, it's not really that bad. It just usually seems to be. Especially
after being put into a bad mood by a second viewing of "Pump Up the Volume,"
reviewed below. There have been a couple most interesting events recently, all
of which we will come to presently.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Now we have some comments on some of my proposed projects for the M00se
Illuminati, from MagicM00se, aka Freed0m M00se:
Personally, I like the M00se Illuminati precisely _because_
there are no membership cards, no dues, no purpose. Sure, we're
all atheists or pagans, anarchists or revolutionaries, but to try
to define the limits of our vision is to give up our freedom, our
m00siness.
OK, I know you don't want to push any ONE viewpoint on the
masses of m00ses, but to organize is to label, and when we become
known as a group we will be viewed as a group. What worse fate
could there be for a m00se, born to know the freedom of the fjords?
Well, that's my 2 kopeks worth. I say we stay a chaotic
thr0ng, difficult to keep track of.
"M00si i'halla shansu"
"M00sey peace upon you", in the Old Tongue of Jennifer Roberson's
books.
The fact that no progress on any of these projects has been made aside, I
would like to comment. I have indeed ruled out dues entirely; I don't want to
take any steps to *reduce* membership. However, *if* we start a paper
newsletter, there will be a subscription fee, just because whoever does the
printing will at least want to break even. I promise you that a paper
newsletter will never replace M00se Droppings; it will be purely for the
benefit of people who don't have net access, but want to receive semi-regular
news of the M00se Illuminati. It would also be useful in that it could be left
where other people would find it.
As for membership cards and the like, again, I certainly would not make
them mandatory. But wouldn't it be neat to flip one out when you got carded,
or when you were asked for ID? Probably not the kind of thing the organization
as a whole should do; but I encourage m00ses to waste money at the printers
having personal M00se Illuminati business cards made for themselves.
Some people have expressed a dislike for the compiling of m00se lists.
I'm going to continue to do this, though, because I am very curious about how
far the conspiracy is spreading. I recently discovered that the info files (an
old version, I believe) worked its way onto some Internet usegroups. I got
email from a person who said he saw a physical copy stuck on an actual cork-
based bulletin board in New York City. Obviously, I won't be able to keep
track of all, or even most of the m00ses. But it's so much fun to wave the
numbers at people who called me mad!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Lastly, before going ahead with the issue, I wish to keep you all
appraised of a debate raised by last issue's not-plain brown wrapper.
Warm00se, who I ran into again at the faire in Sterling, New York, informed me
that the line is not "Elvis *eats* boats," but rather "Elvis *needs* boats."
I'm sure you'll all agree with me that this is patently absurd. We have proven
that Elvis is a superior being. What on earth would he need boats for? Elvis
has no needs. Maybe he *wants* boats, but to say that he needs them makes no
sense. Sorry Pat.
For more information, go to your local comic book store and purchase a
copy of "The Elvis Mandible," in which many secrets are revealed.
On with the issue,
Bill.
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************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just to announce it again, updated m00se files are available. And now,
when you order updated files, you will receive an updated m00se list as well.
Keep sending submissions! Keep recruiting new members!
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****************************** EVENTS AND NEWS *********************************
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[Along with the new effort to list and keep track of landedm00ses (those
chapters without network access), it seems only appropriate to discuss them
once in a while. Thanks to Lord Trelf for this piece. -wrd]
Hail and well met, my dear fellow M00ses! 'Tis I, Lord Trelf, posting at
last after a long absence from contributing, and I bring glad tidings indeed!
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER! At the Sterling Renaissance Faire in Sterling, NY this
weekend (August 18 and 19), Lady Rebecca Hughes was inducted as a full member
of the M00se Illuminati. She had been subjected to many confusing ramblings by
myself, Sabre, CHAOS Engineer, and WarM00se, and began to ask questions; rather
than explain, we made her a member! To show her willingness to fight for our
causes peacefully, she did run about the parking lot, holding her hands in the
M00se symbol and bl00ping merrily. We who were there at her induction (myself,
Sabre, and CHAOS Engineer) feel that she is an excellent addition to the
Illuminati.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[A report of a m00sey event, by Pickle. -wrd]
Labor Day. It happens every year. It strikes me as a completely stupid
idea, celebrating labor, something that we only do because we have to eat.
Something we do when we could be out walking in the woods, canoeing down the
Chattooga, making love in the public square.
But this time -- this year, it was different. The sun shone, the breeze
was perfect, and students had just returned to the University of Hartford.
Mike Harm and I woke up in our New Britain apartment, looked outside, and
vowed not to spend the day indoors. Sadly, suffering from Romantic
Deprivation, we had no special anybodys to take on a picnic, and we've already
climbed Avon Mountain this summer, and we couldn't afford to go to an amusement
park.
Then, I started thinking back to the renaissance faire in Sterling. They
had an activity there called "rat pucking," which seems to be a poor person's
medieval version of golf. You take a rat and a stick, and you fling, or
"puck," the rat along the fairway until you can get it through the target,
usually the crotch of a tree.
I suggested it. Mike decided it must be done. We shopped around and
couldn't find any stuffed rats, so we went to my house and made some out of
some ratty old furry fabric I had, left over from my high school theatre days.
We constructed a pair of fine rats, Terence and Pat Buchanan by name, and
then cut down a couple small trees for pucking sticks. After a little work
with a chainsaw and a utility knife (with which I accidentally gouged a decent-
sized hole in my leg), we took the assemblies to the University of Hartford,
and began pucking.
The Village Apartment green was swarming with newly-arrived students, many
of them jocks and frat types. Oddly enough, none of them scoffed. We soon had
an audience, and after our second game, two charming women came out of the
apartment nearby and asked if they could play. We eventually picked up three
more people, and wandered around the green from apartment quad to apartment
quad, pucking a hole in each quad. Audiences applauded and cheered, and sent
delegates to find out what we were up to. All in all, it was a fine afternoon,
and the charming women (Sharon and Marie by name) invited us back to their
apartment for dinner. It happened also to be my old friend Missy's apartment
(Missy is another spectacularly charming woman), and we all had pesto and
spinach salad and watched "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure."
Conclusion: Rat Pucking is a most m00sey sport, and can help you meet
cool people. Go, and enjoy.
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**************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ******************************
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[Who needs the Oracle? It seems we have a prognosticator right here in our own
organization. Here is the beginning of the revelations of Lord Sabre. -wrd]
***The Vision***
On August 20, 1990, while sitting at work after being sick all the week
before and then staying out until 2:30 in the morning dancing and carrying on
the night before, and after far too much coffee, the young, semi-relusive m00se
known only as Sabre entered a reverie and was able to fortell...the *Signs of
Universal M00seness and the Dawn of the Bl00p age*! These mystic, some would
even say unlikely events passed through his fatigue poison-soaked brain like
rabbits through a kiln.
Feeling it was his duty to let his brethren know the signs of the age of
M00se, Sabre did place them in an electronic medium, so that the Bavarians (who
of course control the vital YALEVM/CUNY link) would be too confused to properly
restrict it. Therefore, here are the beginnings of the Signs.
When the seas do turn red, and the skys indigo (in the
precise shades to insure lack of color coordination),
then will the forces from the stars run rampant across
our fair land. These forces -- the power of Leviam00se
and other m00sey types, will first visit a nearby McDonald's
for a Quarter-Pounder with Cheese and fries, side of nuggets,
and a large Orange Drink. Unfortunatly, the all-powerful
forces will attempt to go through the drive-through, and
lack of communication will waylay them for a considerable
amount of time. Months, perhaps.
Meanwhile, Madonna will be looking out her veranda, trying
to decide what corset to wear to the neighborhood mall,
will be visited by God.
"Hello, Madonna," the Almighty will say.
"Yeah, what?" She will respond.
"I have come to you, my child, to call on you to bring
forth a message of hope and peace to the world."
"Right. Who is this really?"
"Look, I am God. Father, son, spook, the whole bit. All I
want from you is for you to go back to some normal hair
color, put on some clothes, and go tell people to be nice
to each other. You think you can handle that?"
"Look, I don't care how omnipotent you are, God," Madonna
will say, pouting, "*I* have an image to maintain, and it
doesn't involve brown hair or decent clothing. And there's
no money in 'be nice to each other.' Try Sheena Easton -- I
hear she's a sucker for a sappy line."
"Look, I'm trying to--"
"Buzz off!"
"Right!" And thus will God rise up, take Madonna up into
his all-powerful hand, and cast her down forever into the
pit of eternal damnation. This will be the first sign.
"No," the impossibly mighty Leviam00se, ticked now, will say, "I
want a *QUARTER-POUNDER*! *CHEESE!!!!* Can you hear me?"
"Mmmmm mmmm mmmmmmmmmm mmm mmmmmmm?" the voice from the machine
will ask.
"QUARTER-POUNDER!!!!!!!!"
Thor, mightiest of Norse deities, will visit North America,
and announce plans for a North American Tour. He will make
plans to do some Anthrax covers, and perhaps a bit of Black
Sabbeth. When asked about the quality of his singing voice,
Thor will hurl his uru hammer Mjolner, obliterating Dan Rather
utterly and interfering with television reception across the
tri-state area. Then, as a gesture of faith, he will smite
down the New Kids on the Block, maiming but sparing them. The
scarred and rended New Kids will refuse to do any more magazine
covers. This will be the Second sign.
More signs will come forth...perhaps, with luck, the seer will not be
nearly as tired and the general humor quality will improve.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************** FILM REVIEW ***********************************
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PUMP UP THE VOLUME
Reviewed by Pickle
"Eat your cereal with a fork, and do your homework in the dark," advises
Happy Harry Hardon just before he signs off, before the opening credits of
"Pump Up the Volume." Sound advice, I'm sure you'll agree.
Happy Harry Hardon is a pirate DJ in Suburbia, Arizona (I'm pretty sure
it's Arizona). His real name is Mark Hunter, his father is the new
superintendent of the district, he can't reach any of his friends back east on
his shortwave set, and he hates school. He's too shy to actually speak to
anybody, so at ten o'clock at night, he cranks up the shortwave and broadcasts
his show on 92fm. The students start listening, they start getting more active
in their discontent with their wretched situation as teenagers in an empty
decade, and the Authority Reflex kicks in to try to put a stop to it.
It sounds fairly familiar, but this is a much better movie than the
standard "young people are the only ones with a clue and should start doing
something about it" movie. If the movie is taken the right way, it could be
real bad for the status quo in America. "Steal the air! It belongs to you!"
Mark/Harry shouts at the end of the film. And he's *right*. Where does the
U.S. Government get off controlling use of electromagnetic waves running
through the planet's atmosphere? We've had a lot of things usurped from us,
and this film advises us to start taking them back. It made me want a
shortwave set, anyway.
Christian Slater, the psychopath who understood things pretty well in the
black comedy "Heathers," plays Mark/Harry. He does an excellent job of showing
us the confident Harry when alone, talking to a microphone, and then switching
to the totally socially inept Mark when in the presence of others. And, as in
Heathers, he has a co-star who I would marry in an instant, given the chance.
I have a list of the cast, but not the characters, in front of me; Nora is
played by either Ellen Greene or Samantha Mathis. I think it's Mathis. She's
a dark-haired, artsy-fartsy type who isn't really quite as uninhibited as she
pretends to be. Not quite enough to push Winona Ryder out of her place in my
heart, but close.
The adults in the movie are, almost without exception, total boneheads.
Sadly, I'm over twenty myself, and so I'm no longer quite as sure of the truth
of this as I was a couple years ago. But in general, it works.
The main weakness of the film is the villainess, the principle of Hubert
H. Humphrey High School. There is a totally unnecessary subplot involving her
extreme and nasty methods of maintaining the school's record of having the
highest average SAT scores in the state. It's almost as if somebody didn't
like the idea that life as a teenager could suck so badly no matter where you
are, so they insisted that this subplot be written in to demonstrate that this
particular high school has something *really* wrong with it. Hard Harry's
rants on his shortwave apply to Life As We Know It in America; insertion of
this "bad guy" dilutes that message, allowing one to see the problems as
isolated at Harry's/Mark's high school. But for those who can look past this
problem, the movie works extremely well, and may even wake some people up.
One final note: one of the dropouts in the film is played by one Billy
Morrisette. I'm not sure which one; I've seen the movie twice and still can't
pick him out for sure. You may have seen him as Alex's college chum in "Family
Ties" if you ever watch that show. *I* last saw him when he directed my junior
high-school production of "Bye-Bye, Birdie." Yup, he went to my high school.
I think he graduated four or five years before I did. The lead singer,
guitarist, and songwriter for "Chronic Disorder" and "Thick As Thieves," Jason
Wentzel (sp?), was in my class in high school. My brushes with greatness. But
I digress.
Go see "Pump Up the Volume." It's good, it's hip, it's got Christian
Slater and a new dark-haired funky woman, and hopefully it'll speed up the
downfall of the United States government.
Talk hard. Steal the air. Pump up the volume.
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Oh dear. This piece, submitted by Ice Lord, was pirated from WEIRD-L, but
since it came originally from the Boston Globe, I don't feel bad about
including it. I'm pretty sure all but the first paragraph is made up. In
any case, it fits in well as an example of both a political slant and a truly
bizarre, m00sey thing. Also, those of us who are suffering from "romantic
deprivation" might want to consider invading a small country. -wrd]
BOSTON GLOBE, 8/22/90 p. 48
Suffused with humanitarian concern, Italian legislator and ex-porno star
Illona Staller volunteered to fling woo with Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein on the
theory that a birthday suit frolic might relieve his hostilities. "I'm
available to make love with Hussein to achieve peace in the Middle East," said
Staller in a statement as immodest and forward as the on-screen conduct that
made her a star. Known as Cicciolina, or "Little Toy," Staller volunteered
herself during an interview on a Buenos Aires talk show. Why Staller was in
Argentina and why she believes that romantic deprivation may account for
Saddam's invasion of Kuwait were not made clear in wire service reports.
In related stories, French President Francois Mitterand offered to perform
an act of oral gratification on Hussein in return for the release of French
nationals in Iraq, and British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and President
Bush issued a joint statement this morning suggesting that Hussein engage in a
masturbatory act.
Congressional leaders are in their third day of conferences concerning
action to be taken on the crisis in the middle east, sequestered in a Motel 6
in suburban Baltimore. Options being discussed, revealed House Armed Services
Chairman Les Aspin of Colorado, include a pre-emptive bombing attack on Baghdad
and distribution of thousands of rubber party dolls to Iraqi troops.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Life according to Mugwump, and a suggestion for more m00se activity. -wrd]
I think a m00se chased my cat away this morning.
I'm bummed.
It doesn't seem like a very m00sey thing to do.
I think there are anti-m00se out there, masquerading as m00se.
I think G.B. and his playmate little Saddy are the anti-m00se.
Unless it's Tipper Gore.
What do you think? Should we start giving out a prize for the m00siest
and least m00siest actions every issue of Droppings?
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There have been many changes since last issue, so I will send a complete
list of Cyberm00ses after this issue.
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D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue 45 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 10/04/90
---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ----------
is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p.
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
Pickle wastes some bandwidth
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS
A contest in Alaska
EVENTS AND NEWS
Progress in strategic placement by the Marist thr0ng
An update on activities at Clemson University
INTERESTING ARTICLES
A m00se in Moscow
A letter from Saudi Arabia
More prophesies of the coming of the M00se Age
FICTION AND POETRY
Some doggerel from Silverm00se
M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
The great Elvis debate continues
M00sebabble from Mugwump
Vam00se on milk cartons
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Howdy, all.
Well, it's now been nearly 48 hours since Germany became Germany again,
and nothing's gone wrong outside their borders. Nothing directly attributable
to reunification, that is. What we must ask ourselves is, "Is this remarkable
event a shining symbol of forthcoming world peace, or a sinister plot of the
Bavarian Illuminati? And are they *really* going to put a speed limit on the
Autobahn?"
But those are not questions I wish to deal with right now.
As I write this, some five days after moving back home with my parents,
the weather is looking grim. Trees are whipping around, and wind is
periodically making that noise outside my window that keeps me awake at night.
It's quite nice.
We've lost two m00ses since you received issue #44, but we've gained
three. One of them has pointed out to me that M00se Droppings is being
archived at a pub/m00se directory on the quartz.rutgers.edu anonymous ftp
archive. I don't know who put them there, but it's yet another indication that
more people than ever are being exposed to our literature.
I received quite a few submissions for this issue, so I don't want to take
up much space here. Please, by all means, continue sending your submissions.
Next issue: The BOLSHOI Project.
Bl00p,
Pickle
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************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Let's go for it. These people have to learn when to slash their 'o's.
Submitted by Mugwump. -wrd]
Flyer posted around campus this week:
---------------------------------------------------------
WANTED
(picture-of-moose-horns)
Moose Stories
Humorous Encounters
Moose Attacks
Backyard Stories
Highway Hassles
City Dwellers
Submit typed or neatly written stories, 100-1000 word
stories to the following address:
Animal Stories
P.O. Box 148-A
Palmer, Alaska 99645
Include Phone No. and self-addressed, stamped envelope for
reply and payment information
-------------------------------------------------------------
So, all you M00SE-- send your m00siest stories to the above address.
Let them know what a powerful, all-pervasive and off-the-wall illuminatus
organization this is. Good luck.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
****************************** EVENTS AND NEWS *********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Our Marist thr0ng has successfully infiltrated a number of important
positions. Good work, m00ses! Submitted by Rescue M00se. --wrd]
Marist M00seketeers infiltration:
ORGANIZATION INFILTRATED POSITION SEIZED
======================== ===============
College Union Board: VP
Commuter Union: Members and President :*)
Computing Facility: Lab Manager
Computing Society: Members
Marist EMS: Founder
Marist Health Services: Multiple EMTs
Marist Media Center: Lab Tech
MCTV (Marist College TV): Producer, Camera Man
Outback Club: Members
Student Aides: Members
System Operations: Senior Systems Op
Systems Programing: System clerk
Off campus:
Culinary Institute of America (CIA): Operations Manager
Dutchess County Disaster Team: Member
IBM: Lab Instructor
Red Hook Fire Dept: FF-EMT (guess who :*)
We are moving right along :*)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[News from Clemson. I really like the library-book idea. Submitted by SNAFU
M00SE, correspondent for the MUSElix thr0ng. --wrd]
Ever since seeing the light of m00sedom last spring, the conspiracy in the
upper corner of the lower south east has been growing steadily. I have
personally presided over 10 initiations in the past six months, and there is
no telling how many other pawns our lost members have accrued.
The general goal of the m00ses of the thr0ng of the Mid-Upper South East
(MUSE, pronounced MUSElix like the cereal for confusion), apart from a vain
attempt to get better grades, has been to strive to increase membership and
awareness of the illuminati wherever possible. This generally consists of
intoxicating ourselves and rambling on about the secret conspiracy that will
one day unite the world under its majestic antlers.
Usually, this provokes strange glances from the un-illuminated, but
occasionally, we find a being truly worthy of M00sedom, and they are promptly
educated and given membership.
Another thing we have done is to print up dozens of little scraps of paper
with the majestic symbol of the pyramid (long may it stand). These scraps are
left in books in the library, stuck on boards and generally left all over the
place. Much confusion has abounded.
Anyway, the semester is just getting underway. Many more m00sey things
will soon spring up all across the country.
Incidentally, for any of you who happen to be planning to go to Magnum
Opus CON in April, there will be a TOP SECRET M00se Illuminati membership drive
and weenie roast held on the party floor. The time and place will be posted
all over the con, so keep an eye out for the sign. BL00P.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[A m00se in Moscow -- Wrangle opens grand new frontiers for the M00se
Illuminati -- mother Russia herself. -wrd]
INSIDE COMMUNIST RUSSIA
Moscow--Wrangle reports on the demise of the International Communist
Conspiracy
It was a job for Joe Bob Briggs, the only man in America with the guts to
confront the Red Menace head-on. But Joe Bob was passed out in a topless bar
in Amarillo (a little well deserved R & R), so I had to do the best I could.
Fortunately, I had listened to Joe Bob's warnings. I thought I was ready. I
was wrong.
I slipped into Moscow with little difficulty. The invitation to lecture
on metaphysics at the Institute of Philosophy of the USSR Academy of Sciences
lulled the border guards into carelessness. My contacts from the Institute
helped me check into the hotel--visit three separate offices where no one
speaks English, fill out 11 pages of forms printed in Russian, surrender your
passport to the hotel administrator and pay a fee for the privilege of doing
so--a piece of cake. Then we hopped a subway to visit my hosts at the
Institute.
I knew I was in trouble even before I got out of the subway station. I
rounded a corner and Rambo leapt from behind a pillar with an assault rifle
levelled at my chest!!! Or so I thought. In fact, it was just a poster. Some
enterprising Muscovite was raking in the cash selling life-sized posters of
American pop culture icons--Rambo, Madonna (nice cleavage), several blonde
bimbos with wet t-shirts (or no t-shirts at all).
Matters went downhill from there. Poets and rebels denounced Gorbachev on
street corners, police officers inquired politely about prices at an UNOFFICIAL
art fair, every other person I passed on streets offered to exchange money (the
official rate is 6 rubles to the dollar, the street rate is 20 to 1), and I
couldn't find anyone anywhere who would admit to being a communist.
Ah, but there were signs of communism everywhere. The infrastructure--
roads, buildings, bridges, trains--is deteriorating at an unbelievable rate. I
took the stairs to and from my 12th floor hotel room because the elevator was
just too terrifying. The cars were so old that no self-respecting junkman
would have them on his lot. The senses were continually assaulted by the
sights and sounds and smells of decay. I even chain smoked because it was
cleaner than breathing.
Ah, but pollution isn't the only thing that hangs heavy in the Moscow air.
There's revolution afoot. The old people seem afraid of the changes they know
are coming, but the young people and the intelligentsia are ready to rock and
roll. The black market operates openly in the streets, intellectuals don't
even bother to pretend to have any respect for Marxist ideology, newspapers
denounce the government in a dozen languages--I would have given my eye teeth
for even a half a case of good, American dynamite.
A perfect environment for someone who likes to shoot off his mouth. Yours
truly rose to the occasion, although with some difficulty. It is hard to say
anything shocking or radical in a country which is preparing to dismantle the
central government, dissolve into its constituent republics, and completely
eradicate all traces of 70 years of communist government; thus, I approached my
lectures to the Institute with some trepidation. Finally, in desperation, I
opined that George Bush is the modern incarnation of Lenin, and that the
peoples of the USA and the USSR must make common cause against this threat of a
new communist conspiracy, arising like a Phoenix from the ashes of the old.
But even this blatant lunacy produced more sympathetic responses than
denunciations.
What finally defeated me utterly was the retail system from Hell.
Shopping in Moscow is simply not possible for someone born and bred in the
United Consumers of America. The Soviet retail system is designed to make the
acquisition of the necessities and luxuries of life nearly impossible. For me,
it was impossible. I was forced to slink out of Moscow with nary a thing in my
bags to capture the attention of the Customs Agents.
Joe Bob, a true patriot, likes to brag of the USA that "this ain't
Communist Russia." I'm here to tell you that Communist Russia ain't Communist
Russia no more either. It is not clear what it is going to become, yet. But
one thing is clear: the people of Russia and several other of the republics
that comprise the USSR have decided to kick ass and take names. And inquiring
minds want to know who is going to end up with the missiles. You can bet that
I am looking into acquiring one for myself.
The demise of the International Communist Conspiracy is many things. But
most of all, fellow M00ses, it is an opportunity. Seize this opportunity.
Denounce the government. Subvert the evil plans of George Bush and the
Trilateral Commission. Spread vicious lies about politicians. Refuse to
register for the draft. Encourage disorder in any way you can. Make trouble!!
Our comrades in the USSR have shown us the way.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[This letter was originally submitted to the POLITICS list by Harl0ck. His
introductory remarks will explain more. --wrd]
This morning's "Central Michigan Life" [Sept. 28] had an interesting
article concerning what was going on in Saudi Arabia. Briefly, a mother of one
of the soldiers in SA received this letter. For reasons that will be clear
when you read it, it enraged her, and she's been going public with it, because
she fears for her daughter's life. The letter was printed in its entirety in
CM Life, and it is from that I'm taking what is below. The mother's name is
Bobbie Slockum, and her daughter (the soldier who wrote the letter)'s name is
Debbie, although Debbie's last name is different from her mothers. No spelling
errors in the letter were corrected.
-------------------------
Mom,
I was really hoping I didn't have to write this leter. I didn't want you
to know what was really going on - cause I didn't want you to worry about me
any more than you already do.
I hope this letter makes it to you - I don't know if they go through our
mail. But I feel that our families have just as much right to know what we're
up against as the soldiers do.
About four days ago, they took all our ammunition away from us. They
said they didn't want us to hurt each other. We're sitting ducks. Five to
seven thousand soldiers in one building - and no ammunition.
They've rendered the whole division defenseless. I think that's really
stupid. Mom, I'm really scared. I can't remember a time in my life I was
more scared than I am right now.
Our commanders finally decided to tell us what's going on. And it isn't
pretty at all. I don't know what the news is telling you back home - but I'm
gonna tell you how it really is.
This is one of those "you better sit down" letters. There has been
several known terrorist groups found inside our perimeter. Something that
wasn't supposed to be able to happen. They are planning to hit two (that we
know of) places where U.S. soldiers are at.
King Fahd International Airport - which is where we are at (with no
ammunition) and Da-ha-ron Airport, where all our equipment and supplies come
in. That we could figure out. We're prime targets.
Yesterday they found a terrorist *inside* our building where we sleep.
He was carrying blueprints to the building. They were marked where all our
air missles are located - where all the units are located inside and where
all the officers sleep. We were told that the shit could come down any day
now.
This isn't summer camp. I could lose my life - and I don't wanta die.
I don't want to be here. And I don't want to die. Mom - I'm scared.
Please pray for me. Pray for all of us over here.
I didn't want to cry before - cause I didn't want to look like a fool.
I'm crying now. I don't want to die - and I might not get to see my family
again. If that makes me look like a fool - then I'll be a fool.
I love you Mom - and I'm gonna do what ever it takes to come home alive.
P.S. Please pray for Becky, too. I love her very much.
-----------------------------------------
Some scary stuff, indeed...
Gary W. Olson (34EPWQL@CMUVM.BITNET) Central Michigan University
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"...there are periods of history when the visions of madmen and dope fiends
are a better guide to reality than the common-sense interpretation of data
available to the so-called normal mind. This is one such period, if you
haven't noticed already." ("The Illuminatus! Trilogy")
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[More from the M00se Prophet, Lord Sabre. --wrd]
Being the next chapter in the Signs of incipepent and total M00siness....
Deep in the American Midwest, a woman leans up against a tree. She is
young, and lovely, with reddish hair, light green eyes, a soft look to her
face, and a warm, caring personality. She has managed to avoid the rampent
Republicanism and staid attitudes of her hometown, and within her lovely breast
beats a heart that yearns to beat free.
With a crash of thunder and light, the mighty god Apollo desends to Earth
before the lovely lass, majestic in his solar glory and omnipotent in his
demeanor.
"Excuse me, miss," Apollo says, mildly, "One of my friends is having his
opening night concert at the Philadelphia Spectrum. Could you direct me that
way?"
Quietly, the girl pointed east.
"Thank you," the god said, and left, leaving the girl to her dreams.
But that is another vision.
The third sign will arise when Vince McMahon, Jr., the Promoter and
President of the World Wrestling Federation and all-around slimeball, will
explode during a tough play-by-play with Rowdy Roddy Piper. However, the
Spirit of McMahon will survive, and will sense an underdeveloped brain with
little coherent thought and no personality to speak of. Sensing that this body
is one of an inferior being, McMahon will obliterate the soul of the person and
viciously take the body over.
"God, I'm scrawny," he will say, as soon as he becomes coherent. "This
body needs some steroids, and fast. I'll have to make some calls. I hope the
idiot I'm replacing has a little money to play with."
So saying, McMahon will go through his body's wallet. He will stare at
the Federal Identification Card for a while.
"Daniel Quayle," the card will read, "Vice-President. No, really. If
this person shows up at the Senate, you have to let him in."
"Daniel Quayle?" McMahon will sputter, "I've become Vice-President?"
This will be the third sign, and much M00sy anarchy will result.
"FRENCH FRIES!!!!!!!" The omnipotent Leviam00se will shriek, quite
incoherent, now. "I WANT **FRENCH FRIES**!!!!! SAY IT!!!"
"Mmm mmmmm mmmmmm mmmmm. Mmmmm mmmm mmm mmmmmmm mmmm mmm?" the speaker
will say.
"I'M LATE FOR THE AGE OF M00SINESS, YOU IMBECILE!!!!! LEMMIE GET MY FOOD
AND GET OUTTA HERE!!!"
Thor and the Sacred Uru Hammers do indeed open at the Spectrum, with
several Gods and thousands of screaming worshippers in the audience. Also, all
of the people who have made it their careers to attend opening nights (in hopes
of appearing on Entertainment Tonight and maybe getting a movie deal) will also
show up, but the Valkerior will desend from Asgard and slay them, so it'll be
all right.
As Thor wraps up a successful cover of "Iron Man," involving several
tossess of the hammer and structural damage to the spectrum, he notices many
nubile females ripping their clothes off and hurling them onto the stage.
Thor leans over to Heimdall, the Guardian of the Rainbow Bridge and lead
bass for the Sacred Uru Hammers and mutters, "Y'know, this is loads better than
the days when Vikings would take their helms off when it thundered."
"What it is, Bossman," Heimdall will reply, as Clarence Clemens goes into
the first Heavy Metal Sax Solo in history.
More....later.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Some short doggerel from Silverm00se. --wrd]
Puck, schmuck, raise a duck
Bite its beak, it's good for luck
A wicker windmill grinding dope
Ship it east out to the Pope
Pennies flipping, women dripping
I think my mind is quickly slipping
Stephen Honking slowly bonking
His head into an open stocking
"Stick 'em up!" he yells with vigor
"And fill my telescope with liquor!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Pat continues his argument on the "Elvis eats boats/Elvis needs boats"
question. --wrd]
How can he be "Captain Elvis", "Commodore Elvis", or "The Sailing Elvis"
without a boat? Obviously, he NEEDS a boat.
[Pat also claims to have found that this is the truth by -- get this -- buying
the compact disc in question and listening to it closely. A likely story.
Is it not possible that Elvis is merely exercising his extraordinary powers
of confusion to prevent clear vision in this matter? --wrd]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[I think Mugwump should provide us with this kind of thing every issue. --wrd]
I almost hit a couple of m00se on my way to school this morning. At first
I saw them out of the corner of my eye, and I thought they were horses, but as
I got closer they ran across the road and became m00se and I was glad I didn't
hit them because I have a fairly small car and it would have caused quite major
damage to the m00se, the car, and myself.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Vam00se discourses on milk cartons, of the U.S. and soviet variety. -wrd]
Issue #44 reminded me of....milkcartons. Okay, so maybe they were already
on my mind, or maybe, just maybe, there was some sort of subliminal message
that *made* me think of milkcartons. Anyhow, I am currently thinking of
milkcartons. Who invented them? I don't know.
Somewhere along the line when we stopped having the milkman leave them in
that little box at the side of the house (my house doesn't even HAVE a little
box there, but my grandfather's used to, and it is his that I think of whenever
I think of that little box that milkmen opened and sat the milk into -- surely
you know of what I speak) in recyclable glass bottles (in fact, you weren't
supposed to keep the bottles, I guess) and instead sent mothers and general
shoppers out to the grocery store to fetch little wax-coated paperboard
cartons. The kind that has a weird little double-sided arrow on one end and
'open other end' at the other, or similar information. The general theory is
that you pull open the two sides, something which is rarely accomplished, and
then you push out a spout. Normally what happens is the carton is gouged from
step 1, causing milk to dump all over the table while pouring. Now, is this
solely american, or is this some sort of international conspiracy?
Well, I don't know. I haven't seen the milk cartons of most countries. I
bet some of them still have milkmen. But in Moscow, your quart of Moloko comes
with ingenious instructions. There are those funny double ended arc-shaped
arrows on BOTH sides of the carton. There's also a diagram of the "proper" way
to open a milk carton:
Pull apart the two ends, like we do here, and make the spout. Then
duplicate this action on the other side. That's right, you've lost your
pouring spout. You instead have a big square hole leading straight down to
your milk. Then you kind of press it into a warped star formation and pour.
No way to reseal it, and many chances of spilling. I'm not kidding. I have
the carton at home if you want proof.
So anyhow, what they do with a milkcarton in Moscow is beyond me. I don't
grasp the concept. But they probably still have milkmen, and maybe a hole in
the wall. Not to say that there will be milk, or that it won't glow in the
dark from the farmlands of chernobyl, where over 2,000,000 Soviets still live.
Now, we still have postmen who come to the door, delivering mail. But he
doesn't ring bells, let alone twice. And he doesn't bring milk. And I used to
have a mailman who didn't even bring mail daily. He saved it up somewhere, I
guess. Now we have a new mailman who brings me milkcartons from moscow, but
without milk. For variety, they contain two matreshkas, three pins, and ten
kopeeks. And they couldn't even get the directions straight.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Silly me. It seems I forgot to mail it with last issue. So, following
*this* issue, will be a complete and updated M00se list, complete with landed
m00ses. Really.
================================================================================
ON ISSUE -- REUNIFICATION ISSUE -- REUNIFICATION ISSUE -- REUNIFICATION ISSUE --
================================================================================
magazines/M00SE/m00se46
+489
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WINONA RYDER IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE ISSUE -- WINONA RYDER IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE ISSUE
================================================================================
_ /\ _ _ /\ _
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue 46 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 11/25/90
---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ----------
is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p.
================================================================================
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**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
Pickle introduces the issue (surprise)
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS
Back issues available
A cry for help from the Br0ckport thr0ng
Sabre makes a conspiracy-enhancing suggestion
JiMb00se talks about the folks in the desert
Mugwump talks about the winter holidays
EVENTS AND NEWS
Two not-made-up news items about m00ses
MUSELIX thr0ng progress report
INTERESTING ARTICLES
The facts about m00se/car collisions
FICTION AND POETRY
"Demon Rabbit" by Faye Lavin
M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
The fourth sign of the M00se Age
Road sign of the M00se Age
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bl00p and well-met, everybody. Now, you probably expected this to be the
Thanksgiving issue, since it's coming out on Thanksgiving and all, but it was
not to be.
I have a plan, by the way, for getting Winona Ryder away from Johnny Depp.
It's a very detailed and sophisticated plan, and it cannot possibly fail. If
anybody out there knows where I can get a large, well-armed, luxurious airship
(rigid or semi-rigid envelope only), please contact me privately.
Once again, I must apologize for the time it took to get this issue out.
I am employed, in a manner of speaking, doing temp work for the local nuclear
power company, and I haven't been doing much else besides coming home, lounging
around in a semi-exhausted state, and then going to sleep. I'm trying to find
employment and quarters in Central New York, Ithaca or Syracuse specifically,
and that's taking up some of what little time I have remaining. Hopefully, if
I succeed in my attempt to leave this area, I'll have more time when I get
settled in. In the meantime, we'll have to look to M00se Dr00l and any other
alternative m00se-oriented publications to fill in the gaps between issues of
Droppings.
When you reach the bottom of this issue, you'll notice the lack of a
Ubiquitous M00se List Update. I have decided that, since the newsletter is
being sent rather infrequently, I will simply send a complete m00se list each
time I send the newsletter. If this will cause problems for anyone, let me
know, and we'll see if we can work out something else.
One last thing. I am holding the M00se C0de posting for next issue,
because I don't know who sent it. Please contact me and let me know, whoever
you are.
And now, on with the issue.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS *****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back issues of M00se Droppings are now available at quartz.rutgers.edu via FTP.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[A plea from CoM00tose.]
To every m00se in every last m00secollege:
IT'S TIME TO ADDRESS A NEW M00SETOPIC
The topic is about our college policy regarding hours of operation for the
computer labs, and we need all you m00ses out there to help us.
All the m00ses and other non-m00ses here at SUNY@BROCKPORT have fallen
victim to administrative m00secrap. They have taken control and made our lives
miserable (well, maybe slightly exaggerated). This problem pertains only to
the computer lab which gives access to our MAINFRAME COMPUTER. So here is our
problem.
Our computer lab has set posted hours of operation. During these hours
there is a User Consultant and a student Supervisor on duty to help students
with any problems that may arise. The Supervisors are given keys to the
computer lab, which makes them the only ones that can open and/or close the
lab. The policy in the past was simple: The supervisor could keep the lab
open after the posted hours, allowing the public to use the facilities. The
lab would be officially closed when the supervisor wanted to go home. The time
a supervisor stayed late was on their own time (non-payroll). Thought process
is that if a supervisor is here anyway, there is no difference if it is after
the posted closing hours. This policy worked great and there were no problems
(everyone was happy).
Fall of 1990 we had an administrative change! As you can guess the policy
of keeping the computer lab open after hours was changed. The new policy is
that the lab is closed to the public at the posted closing times. Only the
staff that works in the computer lab is allowed to stay. Of course only
supervisors have keys so they control when the lab is to close. Most of the
people that work in the lab are computer science majors, or people that need
access to the system, and the supervisors would prefer to let the public have
access to the system.
Strength is in numbers and everyone has the ability to help, so we need
you to prevent us from being taken advantage of by our administration. All the
m00ses that have similar policies of keeping their computer labs open after the
posted hours (for the public), or the labs that are kept open 24 hours a day,
PLEASE send mail IMMEDIATELY. Let us know what your policy is, how long you
have been using this policy and anything else you think might help us to
convince our administrators to change the policy.
You can send E-mail to either of the following Br0ckp0rt m00ses:
Bitnet -----> KARL or DC9887 @brock1p
Internet ---> KARL or DC9887 %brock1p.bitnet@cornellc.cit.cornellc.edu
Thank you all for your time,
The Br0ckp0rt Thr0ng
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[An idea put forth by Lord Sabre.]
Hey, all you m00ses out there in TVland!! I've got a conspiracy-enhancing
thought! Does anyone with Internet access know how to create Alt groups on
Readnews? If so (da da duummmmmmm)--
ALT.M00SE!!!!!!!!!
Alt groups can apparently be created by anyone who knows how, and they're
carried by a lot of different places on the Netnews system. I have felt for a
while the M00se need a stronger Internet Access, and well, this is our chance,
whaddya say?
[Almost immediately upon receiving Sabre's letter, I received a file containing
complete instructions on starting Internet newsgroups. (Coincidence? I think
not.) The file is much too long to include here, and the procedure is rather
complicated. It could be best handled by somebody who has full access to the
Internet. Any volunteers, please contact me and I'll send the file. -WRD]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[A fine proposal from JiMb00se.]
I have a proposal. We M00ses are obviously opposed to the war in the
Middle East, since it takes away valuable time from important M00sey activities
such as the drinking of fine ale and kicking small bits of cloth around a lawn
to impress women-folk.
But it seems inevitable that some M00ses or friends of M00ses or family of
M00ses will be dragged over there to fight in the desert. I have never been to
war, but I would imagine that those who are there would very much appreciate a
kind word from home.
I have read that mail addressed to 'Any Service Person' is clogging up the
system so much that regular mail is slowed down. Also, mail from some
anonymous stranger simply CAN'T be a fulfilling as mail from someone you are
related (however tenuously!) to.
Here is my suggestion: if you know of a PARTICULAR person who would
appreciate a large quantity of rather unusual mail from a diverse population of
odd characters, perhaps you could let us all know and we could write to them.
I suggest people should be chosen with the following priorities in mind:
1> M00ses first
2> People who wouldn't call the cops on us for being weird second
3> Families of M00ses third
4> Friends of M00ses fourth
Actually, it might be best to concentrate our efforts on some ONE person.
Maybe Pickle could moderate...
[I fear I could not be the moderator. I barely have time to edit the news-
letter, as you can see! I think it's a great idea, though. My mother has a
second cousin once removed (what does that mean, anyway?) who is in the
desert. A Pink Iguana Tavernite has just been sent. I'm sure we can find
some worthy targets. -WRD]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Another, slightly similar, but more festive suggestion from Mugwump.]
i was compiling my christmas card list this afternoon, & got to thinking:
how about compiling a m00se christmas card list -- a list of people all m00ses
would be encouraged to add to their christmas card lists. my list currently
includes such exciting people as:
the director of the national injury information clearinghouse
the commander of the u.s. army nuclear and chemical agency
the chief of the mass media bureau of the fcc
and other such fun and exciting people whose lives would probably be
brightened by receiving cards from an "organization" such as the m00se. the
list could, of course, be distributed through the droppings.
sound like fun? if so, i'll go ahead and type in my list, if not, i won't
take the time (not that i mind doing it, but my life is hectic & i don't want
to spend the time for something that won't get used.)
bl00p,
mugwump
(who's not in a caps mood today)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
****************************** EVENTS AND NEWS *********************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Wasted M00se provides us with these two news items. 0's slashed and plurals
corrected by me, for clarity.]
SCITUATE, R.I. (UPI) -- A wayward m00se, the first to be seen in Rhode
Island in several years, has apparently decided to return to more familiar
surroundings.
A dispatcher with the town Police Department said Tuesday the m00se,
reported to be about 7 feet tall, was seen three days ago running toward the
Scituate Reservoir. It has not been sighted since, said the dispatcher, who
declined to give his name.
Thomas A. Greene, a deputy with the state environmental enforcement
division, said his department had confirmed the m00se sighting, but he was
reluctant to talk about it.
"We're trying to discourage as much publicity as we can," Greene said.
"We'd rather not have people out harassing it and chasing it across the
street."
Greene said Rhode Island is an atypical place for a m00se to be, and that
one shows up every three or four years.
The m00se was reported to have antlers about 1 foot high, but it was
uncertain whether it was a male or a female. Authorities advised Rhode
Islanders to back off if they see the m00se and then call police.
ALBANY, N.Y. (UPI) -- Big Richard, the amorous Adirondacks m00se famous
for wooing cows, horses and even a pig, has state conservation officials
concerned because his radio collar is losing its ability to beep.
The bull m00se is the only one in the state with a transmitting noose,
said Department of Environmental Conservation biologist Al Hicks, and now that
he is needed more than ever he's given everyone the slip.
The loss of the signal is coming just as the state agency is studying
whether to introduce female m00ses to New York's wilderness for breeding
purposes, Hicks explained.
And the radio collar's signal is so faint that as of two weeks ago state
m00se trackers have been unable to find him.
Big Richard, now playing hard-to-get, was last seen in the Saranac Lakes
area munching apples and ogling some horses, state wildlife officials reported.
Hicks estimates that between 15 and 30 m00se spend at least a part of
their year in New York, while Big Richard appears to have settled permanently.
"Where he is now is anyone's guess. We have not had contact in two
weeks," Hicks said.
The transmitting problems are worsened, he said, by hilly terrain that at
best keeps signals down to about two miles.
Hicks said Big Richard had been collared twice already.
"He was re-collared a couple of years ago in Lewis County on a dairy
farm," Hicks said.
Apparently farmers complained at the time that he was making some cows
nervous, Hicks said.
"We expect to lose the signal because the collars only have a limited life
expectancy," he added.
But Hicks said the passionate m00se's amorous adventures, including a
rumored liaison with a pig, may be overstated.
"He just wants the company of other animals and there are a variety of
farm animals up in Saranac Lake," he said.
The m00se shouldn't present much of a problem until next year, Hicks
added.
"The mating season ends in October," he said.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Another impressive progress report from SNAFU M00SE.]
M00sedom is strong and thriving on the Clemson Campus and in the Mid-
Upper-South East. We are organizing stuff for a big convention that is rolling
into the area at the end of next semester, and hope to muchily confuse and
confound everyone that we meet.
Our primary goal right now is to get some t-shirts printed with a small
M00se symbol on the left breast pocket. That should hopelessly confuse anyone
who attempts to figure out what the symbol is.
Other projects are regular postings of Important Messages (tm). We have
thousands of little scraps of paper with the pyramid and antlers (tm) photo-
copied onto it. We write some strange and confusing note on the scrap like:
'Breathing is Essential,' 'Remember the Dwarf,' or 'Beware the M00ses of Dawn.'
Then we pick a number at random and title it Important Message # (tm) (note the
confusion factor goes up if the masses see the same message with two different
numbers or if they see two different messages with the same number). We take
these Important Messages (tm) and post them all over campus or just hand them
to people we dont know (you should see the look of confusion as the person
tries to figure out who you are and what the scrap of paper means).
Our infiltration campaign is also running successfully. We have a m00se
on the local radio show, and at least three m00ses on the campus films-and-
video committee (an excellent chance to pick the stranger or more confusing
movies... Brazil comes to mind).
So the MUSELIX (tm) Throng is thriving well and spreading the conspiracy
across the southlands. Happy M00semass.
Snafu M00se
Official Unofficial Big Grand Poobah of the
MUSELIX Throng of
The M00se Illuminati
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Informative m00se/car collision data from Lord Sabre.]
Having read Mugwump's close automotive m00se encounter, I am forced to
draw upon my superior knowledge of m00ses (the bovine kind, what we drew our
inspiration from), and clear up a few misconceptions.
First off -- he believed hitting the m00se would have damaged the m00se,
the car, and himself. Two out of three isn't bad. However, the m00se that
could be damaged by anything less than a '66 Chevy made out of steel and the
size of Montana has yet to be born. More than likely, the m00se would have
mistaken Mugwump's smushing his car against him as an overture of friendship.
Second, and this is the absolute truth, when encountering a M00se standing
in the middle of the road, wait *patiently* for the m00se to decide to move.
Don't rev the engine, the m00se will simply watchand try to figure out why you
make those silly noises. And *don't* honk your horn at him. Leviam00se's
truth -- a car horn sound means (in Primal M00se), "I am a Bull M00se who will
take your mate, stop me if you can!" **THE M00SE WILL CHARGE AT YOU, RAMMING
YOUR CAR WITH ALL ITS STRENGTH!!!!!** Believe it -- unless you want a ton-and-
a-half of Mutant Deer smashing your front end into modern art, *don't honk the
horn!*
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gary Olson, bless his heart, passed on this little gem. Ten to one, Ann
Landers won't print it. I left the whole thing in caps, since it's possible
the author wanted it to be read entirely in a shout. Try to forgive the
meter.]
DEMON RABBIT BURN IN HELL
HOPE THE DEVIL TREATS YOU WELL
NOW THAT ALL YOUR KILLING'S THROUGH
YOUR ETERNAL PUNISHMENT HAS COME DUE
DRIVE A CARROT THROUGH YOUR HEART
SHOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD FROM THE START
BUT THE EASTER BUNNY YOU WERE NOT
NOW YOU'RE WHERE IT'S NICE AND HOT
DEMON RABBIT WITH TEETH SO WHITE
STALKING VICTIMS IN THE NIGHT
RIP THEIR THROATS OUT; DRINK THEIR BLOOD
DRAG THEIR BODIES THROUGH THE MUD
RABBIT PELLETS WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU
NOW YOU'RE PLAYING HUMAN-FOO
DEMON RABBIT WITH CLAWS SO BLACK
SEE HIM SPRING FOR THE ATTACK
DEMON RABBIT, YOU'RE NO SAINT
DEMON RABBIT, BUGS YOU AIN'T
SPEND THE NIGHT CONSUMING GORE
COME SUN-UP YOU'LL WANT SOME MORE
SPREAD YOUR TERROR FAR AND NEAR
FILL YOUR VICTIMS FULL OF FEAR
DEMON RABBIT BURN IN HELL
THIS POEM'S DONE--AIN'T IT SWELL?
--Faye Levine/"Demon Rabbit"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[More on the Age of m00siness, from Lord Sabre, Prophetm00se.]
In the time after the Third Sign, it will come to pass that the Third Sign
will bring about the Fourth Sign, which is not to be confused with either the
first or second signs, nor should we decide that the Fourth Sign is a Cosine of
the Third Sign, or that the Third Sign may not just be another application of
the Sixth Sign, and no, I haven't been watching the Seventh Sign, though my
roommate told me all about it....
"CHEESEBURGER!!!!!! LARGE FRIES!!!!! ORANGE SODA!!!!!" the All-Powerful
Leviam00se will shout. "What is WRONG with you???!!!"
"Mmmmm mmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmmmmmmm?"
"NNNNNNRRRRRRLLLGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" and Leviam00se will utterly crush
the hamburger stand beneath his feet. Whereupon he will cross the street and
go to Pizza the Hutt.
George Herbert Walker Bush, the Forty-First president and the president
with the stupidest name since William Taft, will be sitting at his desk. He
will be pondering the ways to reduce the budget and increase the military,
simultaneously. "Hmmm. Now, the Great Depression ended when America went to
war against Germany, the last time. And that also increased the Military...and
Germany has reunified...."
"Mr. President," the intercom will buzz, "the Vice-President is here to
see you."
"Give him his daily lollipop and send him away."
"He insists on seeing you sir. He's also offered to tip me three hundred
dollars."
"Eh? Must speak to his father. Right, send him in."
The small, spindly form of the Vice President will enter, being followed
by six huge men in spandex tights.
"Dan? Who are they?"
"They're my new...Secret Service agents, Georgie-Poo. And call me Vince."
"Vince?"
"Vince Quayle. I'm here to discuss the terms of your abdication."
"Abdication? Dan--er, Vince, you're crazy! No one would accept you as
president! You're...well,"
"Hmm. Hawk, Animal, Anvil -- why don't you 'Convince' the President."
Vince Quayle will step outside as the noise rose behind him.
That evening, in a heartfelt message, George Bush will tell the American
people from his Hospital room that he feels Vincent Quayle, Jr. would make a
fine president, and he hopes the country will prosper.
This will be the Fourth Sign. We're absolutly sure it's the Fourth One.
Not the Third, not the Fifth, Eight is right out.
Somewhere in a Pizza Hut, his order taken, Leviam00se will munch on a
breadstick. And wait. And Wait. And Wait....
More, as the Muse comes upon me (get your minds out of the Gutter.)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Information on what may possibly be an undiscovered sign of the M00se Age,
from Mitya the Red M00se.]
Zdravstvuite, and bl00pski! I have an interesting story to relate,
regarding my recent trip to the Franconia Notch area of New Hampshire. While
traveling the back lane of Rt. 302 south with my fiance (who may or may not
become a m00se soon--I'm working on it), we came across a most perplexing sign.
It looked like this:
|-------------|
| |
| MOOSE |
| |
| |
| X - ING |
| |
| |
|-------------|
[]
[]
[]
[]
Jen and I puzzled over this for quite some time. We even pulled the car
over to ponder this odd sign. What did it mean? The 'x' obviously stood for a
blank. We arbitrarily decided that this was a "fill-in-the-blank" sign, for
passing motorists to fill in with whatever they happened to see a m00se doing.
They could see a m00se 'walk'-ing or 'run'-ing or 'bl00p'-ing, so it was a very
versatile sign in our opinion.
But then a horrible thought crossed my mind. What if the New Hampshire
road commission wanted to place a sign but because of local obscenity laws,
could not put certain words on the sign??!! What are these m00se in New
Hampshire doing on the side of Rt. 302 that the New Hampshire road commission
cannot detail their activities???
I think the m00ses of America deserve some kind of explanation of this
kind of activity. Or am I just blowing this WAAAAYYY out of proportion?
Inquiring m00ses want to know.
Do svidaniya, and if you must bl00p,
pull the shades down, tovarishch!
Mitya the Red M00se.
================================================================================
WINONA RYDER IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE ISSUE -- WINONA RYDER IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE ISSUE
================================================================================
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Date: Sat, 12 Feb 1994 19:09:57 -0800
From: Cooking with potential energy <wrd@beer.wa.com>
Subject: M00se Droppings #47
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REVIEW REVUE ISSUE REVIEW REVUE ISSUE REVIEW REVUE ISSUE REVIEW REVUE IS
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D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #47 2/11/1994
========================================================================
STAFF:
Editor In Chief: Bill Dickson <wrd@beer.wa.com>
Assistant/News Editor: Dominic White <ick@artiste.wa.com>
Reviews Editor: Gary Olson <swede@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu>
------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************ THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE *************************
------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
Welcome Back!
EVENTS AND NEWS
Rhett the M00se, In Memoriam
FEATURES
Ask the Sage
Tracking the Coming of the M00sey Age
REVIEWS
Nerf Weaponry
Boing-Boing
Right Guard Sports Stick "Fresh Scent" Deodorant
------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************ EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ************************
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings, my fellow m00ses.
Welcome to issue forty-seven of M00se Droppings, the official
newsletter of the M00se Illuminati. It's been a long time since issue
forty-six, which came out on Thanksgiving, 1990. Much has transpired since
that day; I have moved to Seattle, Washington, I turned twenty-six at about
3:00 this morning, and I have learned to make beer.
The next few issues of M00se Droppings are going to be somewhat
changeable and inconsistent; they are essentially a stop-gap measure until
we can really rework the newsletter. I had hoped to have the reworking
complete by now, but as it turns out, I'm in the middle of writing a book
and I don't have time. Hence, my introduction is necessarily short.
We wanted to get the issue out today, however, as it is now the 39th
month since the last issue of M00se Droppings. Thirty-nine naturally
reduces quite easily to thirteen, one of the M00sey numbers; plus, it is
the eleventh day of the second month, giving us another thirteen. So you
can see how important it was to get the issue out, how it speaks so
powerfully to the very essence of our m00sey natures and our inner selves.
[Editor's Note -- Due to circumstances beyond our control, the issue was
delayed by a day. However, there seems to have been no major cosmic
repercussions. Please disregard the above paragraph.]
Until my book is complete (March 15), I will be turning over Editor In
Chief duties to my Assistant Editor, Dominic White (Icky-M00se). Please
send all submissions to him, with the exception of review submissions,
which go to Gary Olson (Svedishm00se).
If you would like to volunteer for the position of Features Editor,
please contact me. You will be responsible for the Sage's advice column,
the periodic updates on the coming of the M00sey Age, and anything else we
decide to pick up on a regular basis.
When the overhaul of M00se Droppings takes place, we will begin
publishing it in setext format. Setext is a text "markup" format --plain
text files contain unobtrusive markup characters that allow a setext reader
to display them with limited formatting. They also allow the reader to
index the contents of the file. Thus, where a plain text reader (like your
regular old UNIX mailer) sees **bold** and _underline_, a setext reader
will display the words "bold" and "underline" in the appropriate styles.
The indexing is the most useful feature. It can be implemented in
many ways, but on the Mac, you have a three-window reader. The top left
window contains the list of indexed files. The top right window contains
the subsections in the selected file. The large bottom window contains the
text of the selected section. It's been used successfully for the online
publication TidBITS for quite some time, and is ideal for small electronic
newsletters.
The catch is that there are only two readers currently available --
one for the Mac (Easy View) and one extremely rudimentary one for UNIX.
Any programmers out there interested in writing versions for Windows, DOS,
XWindows, or whatever, please contact me and I'll get you all the
information I can.
On a final note, you may be pleased to know that our first issue is
going to exactly 50 subscribers. Not bad after a gap of more than three
years! Of course, this means the issues are already rather large for
transmission. If anybody has any leads on a LISTSERV that would make a
good home for M00se Droppings, please let me know!
And now, on with the issue.
Bl00p!
-Pickle
------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** EVENTS AND NEWS ****************************
------------------------------------------------------------------------
M00se Droppings has not been published since 1989. Here are a few
items of m00sey import that have happened since the last issue.
-Icky-M00se
Mosi Tatupu, New England Patriots star running back of the 80's and
the object of affection for many New England fans known as Mosi's
M00ses, officially retired.
The "Mariner Moose" became the official mascot of Major League
Baseball's Seattle Mariners. "I'm happy for him, I really am. But I
have no idea why they made a him their mascot. M00ses don't have
anything to do with mariners, the ocean, boats, or anything," said
'Squatch,' his longtime friend and mascot of the National Basketball
Association's Seattle SuperSonics.
The Northern Exposure m00se, who wandered the fictional city of
Cicely, Alaska at the opening of each episode with quiet reverence and
dignity, died a peaceful death in his modest cabin outside of Roslyn,
Washington surrounded by family and friends.
"Rhett," as his enlightened, but flawed, m00sey human friends
called him, was a m00se among m00ses. His life was a succession of
charitable deeds and noble acts. He always had time for others and
treated everyone the same, be they m00sey or not.
He lived in pleasant obscurity for most of his charitable life.
Despite his reluctance to leave the foothills of the Cascade Mountain
range, he made many friends all over the country, and it was a casual
relationship with a television producer named Joshua Brandley that got
him into show business.
"He really had no desire to be on television," said the successful
producer. "But he knew the show needed a certain oh... m00siness that
only he could provide. And he also knew I was desperate. So really he
did it as a favor to me. In fact, I have to say the entire success of
the show is due to Rhett. I originally wanted to film it on a Hollywood
soundstage, but he suggested Roslyn instead. It was definitely the
right choice. Oh, and one more thing. The rumors involving Rhett and
Janine Turner are absolutely false and have no factual basis."
While many of the young actors on Northern Exposure view the show
as a stepping stone to greater rewards and a richer life, Rhett
considered it a fun way to spend his autumn years. I firmly believe the
fame he finally achieved was more than a fun way to retire, it was a
tribute to a fine m00se whose greatest contributions to all the earth's
creatures were done out of the limelight and garnered rewards far
greater to Rhett than fame. This modest m00se once said, "I've lived a
fine, normal m00sey life. I can only hope someone out there is willing
to make my obituary sound more interesting that it really is." No need,
Rhett. No need.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* FEATURES *******************************
------------------------------------------------------------------------
ASK THE SAGE
The Only Advice Column You'll Ever Need, If You've Got $10 on You
by Superguy Digest's
The Sage
Hello! Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Sage! I know
everything! Yes, that's right, everything!
I can tell, even now, that some of you are shaking your heads in
disbelief. How do I know? Because I'm the Sage, dammit! I know these
things! And I'm talking to you, Boris K. in Cleveland! I know about
your secret 'Barney' fantasy! And you, Alice M. of Wake Forest! Peanut
butter is not, I repeat, *not* effective as a contraceptive!
On to the letters! Being as this is the first issue of the revival
of 'M00se Droppings no actual letters have been sent in yet. But,
because I am the Sage, I already know the contents of the letters that
*will* be sent in following the shipment of this issue! So, I can
answer them now, and save the necessity of their being sent! What did I
tell you? I'm the Sage! I know everything!
--------
Dear Sage,
I've been with my current girlfriend for over three years now, and
I'm thinking of asking her to marry me. If I did ask her now, what
would her answer be?
Signed,
Nervous in New Mexico
Well, Nervous in New Mexico (which is how I will address you, even
though you're really Alex Sanderson, a well known philatelist in Santa
Fe), I say ask her. She will reply 'yes' to your offer, and you will
spend a blissful week calling everybody you know and telling them about
your upcoming wedding. This will end when you get hit by a bus and die
on the spot, at which point she will pawn her ring and go out with a
European poodle breeder named 'Pierre.' That'll be $10, please.
--------
Dear Sage,
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Signed,
Bored in Bali
Ah! A question that has perplexed philosophers and luminaries for
ages. Fortunately, I, the Sage, know the answer! After all, I know
everything! That answer is: the chicken, of course. Fortunately, he is
seeing a sex expert to take care of his little 'prematurity' problem,
and should be in better sync with his partner in the near future.
That'll be $15.
--------
Dear Sage,
Okay, you know about my infatuation with Barney the Dinosaur. What
can I do to get him to notice me?
Signed,
Boris K. in Cleveland
I recommend coating yourself in chicken gravy, then parading in
front of him while the cameras are on. He will certainly notice you
then. In fact, he will probably eat you and spit out your bones. The
kids that surround him like a cloud of flies will take your bones and
build a tree fort with them. That will be $10, please.
That's all the time I have for this issue! This is the Sage,
signing off!
[Editor's Note: We are currently negotiation a contract with the Sage
which, we hope, will make the per-question charges unnecessary. Stand
by for more information.]
TRACKING THE COMING OF THE M00SEY AGE
Prophecy McNuggets for your edification
by
Sabre the Pr0phetm00se
It has come to the attention of the Pr0phetm00se that many so
called `prophecies' are surrounding the upcoming end of the millennium,
scheduled by the non-illuminated as January 1st, 2001. The
Destructionists claim that the hurricanes, floods, earthquakes,
blizzards, fires and Dallas Super Bowl victories of the last few years
are leading up to a global apocalypse of horrific dimension. The
Reconstructionists claim that we are passing from the Piscean age of
horror and militant science and into the Aquarian Age of Naturalism and
love. The Liberals claim we are heading for economic prosperity. The
conservatives claim we are heading for economic ruin.
Charlatans.
The flaws in all of these budget Nostradumuses are self-evident to
the truly enlightened, which I (having drunk Winter Welcome Beer, Red
Rose Tea, and Dalwhinnie 15 year old scotch before writing this)
currently am. Now, I recognize that many of you have neither the
inclination nor the constitution to partake of these substances in the
toxic levels and mixtures required to achieve Delphic accuracy, so I
shall attempt to distill my own visions and insights into something that
we the M00se Illuminati can discover and understand.
First and foremost, I have gazed upon the naked sight of the death
of our world, and discovered that the Planet Earth's end shall not come
in fire or in torture, but in fact occurred in 1938 in Piccadilly,
England. It was a nasty destruction of the planet, but as it occurred
in Piccadilly, it was assumed that the destruction was in fact merely a
heated dispute (or `brawl') between Piccadilly fans and Manchester
United fans, after a particularly poor call. As a result, no one
realized that the planet had been destroyed and life (or a bizarre
hallucination of it) continued as normal. Therefore, there is no cause
for concern over the destruction of the Earth, as it has in fact already
occurred, having happened nearly fifty years ago.
Secondly, the coming of m00siness in America has become inevitable,
through the appearance of four signs, which have *already* *occurred*.
That's right -- none of this `ooo, this *will* happen' crap here. These
are all verifiable! That's right! We're on our way already. So, let's
take a look:
The Fist Sign was the 1992 Presidential Election. This is not to
say that the Pr0phetm00se is endorsing Clinton -- though I will admit
our current president is more innately humorous than any Republican
excepting Dan Quayle, who himself is unelectable (we *pray*). However,
immediately after the election, the Democratic Congress began to
fragment and twist, even though through simple unity the could pass any
measure. This fragmentation is a direct degeneration into Anarchy.
Ah, you say, but the Republicans are standing firm. Yes, but their
strongest leader is Senate Minority Leader Robert Dole. Senator Dole,
for those of you who don't listen to National Public Radio or watch CNN,
is a mean-ass son of a bitch. I'm not talking his politics. Merely his
personality. Mean guy. Under his leadership, and out of fear, the
Republicans are standing firmly, if ineffectually. Come time for the
next election, however, there will be a feeding frenzy, as various
republicans, madder than hell at Dole, tear him down.
So, the Democrats are fracturing. The Republicans are getting
ready for a cannibalistic orgy. The result for the U.S. Government?
Higgledy- Piggledy.
And thus comes the M00sey Age.
The Second Sign was the winning of the Late Night Wars by David
Letterman -- Honorary M00se and Late-Show M00se. Mr. Letterman has
successfully broken down and eliminated Jay "Mr. Establishment" Leno,
made us all forget Arsenio "Boring" Hall, and made the Vice President of
the United States, Former President Carter, and Sean Connery all look
like idiots, and all three are more popular than ever as a result. When
Al Gore -- a man who is the odds on favorite to be president in the year
2001, which is that fated millennium we've been talking about -- said
`Buttafucco' on National Television, I knew the M00sey age was not far
behind.
The Third Sign is Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern. Between the two
of them, they own A.M. Radio. They own it to the point that in every
key market, their shows are outperforming F.M. This is despite the fact
that neither one of them really deserves to live, much less be rich.
Tell me that ain't M00se-level perversity.
The Fourth Sign is the fact that the Buffalo Bills have lost four
Super Bowls in a row. They are the best team in the A.F.C., and they
have had their butts kicked by the N.F.C. four years running. This
means that even as far as football fanatics are concerned, there simply
is no point to the Super Bowl any longer. The A.F.C. can't compete. To
that fact -- the uselessness of the A.F.C. -- we must add Fox's stealing
of the N.F.C. games from CBS. For those of you who do not know -- there
is not a *single* Fox program on television today that is above 40 in
the weekly Nielsons. Not one. The Simpsons, Beverly Hills 90210,
Married with Children -- all below 40. Therefore, N.F.C. Football will
also drop to below 40 in the ratings. No one will watch N.F.C. games.
There is no point to watching A.F.C. games. Therefore, N.F.L. Football
will die within the year. The destruction of N.F.L. Football will in
and of itself mean the destruction of a way of life for fat white Middle
Class Americans. What will replace it? The M00se Age, of course.
So all looks rosy, right? Wrong. Of course not. Don't be such an
idiot. There is a dark force which could obliterate the consensual
shared- hallucination of life utterly. There is indeed something to
worry about....
And that is the 1994 Winter Olympics, but that is a subject for the
next column. After all, no Pr0phet -- especially a Pr0phetm00se -- can
tip his entire hand in one column, right? Right.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* REVIEWS ********************************
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hail and well bl00ped, fellow m00ses! This is Svedishm00se, your review
m00se of the eleven veils (some of you may remember me as Harl0ck from
long before). In this edition, we have reviews by the lovely and
talented Sabre of the Nerf Missile Blaster, Nerf Bow, and Nerf
Boomerang, while I review Boing Boing Magazine and Right Guard Sports
Stick ("Fresh Scent") Deodorant.
All reviews for future editions of M00se Droppings should be sent to me
at swede@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu, or swede@drycas.bitnet. Review
anything you like - films, fanzines, deodorants, religions, and so on.
You are encouraged to invent your own rating system - the more
inconsistent this section is, the m00sier it is. If you are able to
send your review formatted to 72 columns, please do. If not, don't
worry about it - this isn't rocket science, you know.
- Svedishm00se
* * *
THE ARMAMENT REPORT
by
Sabre the Pr0phetm00se
We the M00se Illuminati are collectively a pacifist anarchist
movement. However, we live in a violent world. A nasty, violent
world. A world that is, above all, nasty and violent. A world that
actually ended in 1938 in Piccadilly, England, but is nasty and violent
nonetheless. So, we must arm ourselves to protect ourselves. But we
must arm ourselves in such a way that we are still pacifists. We must
be ready to perform non-violent acts brutal in their violence.
Paradox? Not at all...for we can arm ourselves with...NERF!!!!!!
That's right. Nerf. The Playground Football stuff. Nerf causes
little to no harm, and at the same time can be employed in mind-
bogglingly violent fashions. Thus, a fellow can preserve his principles
and his honor all at once.
Thus, I shall review three Nerf weapons and give an overview of a
few other options. This will help the discriminating M00se in this
most important issue of arming himself peacefully.
THE NERF MISSILE BLASTER:
The basic Nerf weapon. The Nerf Missile Blaster is a small pistol
like unit made out of a molded reddish orange plastic, with black
plastic parts. It fires small black and yellow mini-missiles made of
100% Nerf. You fire the weapon by pulling the black trigger pump out of
the forward part of the pistol, while the missile itself rests on a
black tube that extends from the back of the weapon. You then pull the
pump towards you swiftly, which causes an air charge to blast the
missile off of the tube out towards your enemy. A rack comes with the
pistol and can be locked on the pistol, allowing you to carry all three
missiles that come with the weapon on the weapon itself.
This pistol is astoundingly effective. I have successfully fired
the weapon a full city block, with a great arcing motion. The missiles
fire fast enough so that it is hard to dodge them. And the gun retails
between seven and nine dollars, which means you can get them at any
Woolworths for next to nothing. These things are *wonderful*. They are
durable and silly looking, all at once.
Furthermore, you can strike your opponent in any part of the
anatomy, *including* the male genitalia, and cause no harm whatsoever.
None. It has happened to me. I would think a shot to the eye would be
nasty, but it is the only way I can even *conceive* of causing actual
damage with one of these little devils.
This pistol, once it catches on, will easily be the weapon of
choice in games of Killer, TAG: The Assassination Game, or the like.
With a greater range and less harmful potential than conventional
suction-cup dart guns, the weapon is perfect for such things.
Furthermore, it is red-orange and looks nothing like a real weapon, so
most fascist campus police types won't be able to justify shooting you
when they do. And that means you'll be able to sue them for a lot of
money indeed.
RATINGS:
Accuracy: 97 out of a possible 100. More when fired at Vince
McMahon of the World Wrestling Federation on your
Television (will not harm your TV)
Usefulness: 899 out of a possible 933. There are few
situations, from business to sex, where a shot to
the forehead with one of these babies won't make
things better.
M00siness: 2 out of Pi. It's practically guaranteed that any
situation, when two people have these babies, will
become a more M00sey situation.
THE NERF BOW:
This Nerf Weapon is mind bogglingly fearsome looking. It is huge,
and made of black and blue plastic, with blaze orange `bow' attachments
and a black cord that connects to the handle of the Firing Mechanism.
The Arrows are much larger versions of the mini-missiles above (the
Arrows may also be used in the Nerf Missile Launcher, the Nerf Master
Blaster, and make nice throwing weapons) and are yellow and blue. Once
again the Nerf Bow comes with a rack to hold the two spare arrows on the
weapon itself. The `loaded' arrow fits on a rod that extends from the
apex of the bow. You fire the bow by pulling back on the bow's handle,
which extends out of the body (and makes you look like you're drawing a
real bow). When you release, the unit snaps in forming a compressed air
charge that blasts the Arrow off at the target. There is a sighting
mechanism on the bow.
This weapon is more powerful than the Missile Blaster, though the
range is considerably less (I expect thirty feet is the furthest one
could expect to he effective). The action on the weapon is good, though
I admit I prefer the weapons that you can control the amount of air
pressure involved (this weapon you pull back and release, letting the
internal springs fire the Arrow, limiting your power to the power of the
springs). I found that the arrows pull to the right of the sighted
target as well. The impacts cause a slight stinging to bare skin, which
leads me to recommend not using head-shots with this weapon. The weapon
appears incapable of causing actual harm, however.
The Nerf Bow's true effectiveness is in appearance. The thing
*looks* as though it should be toted around by Chewbacca the Wookie from
Star Wars. Facing the business end of this Bow is an exercise in
nervousness, though it is Nerf, so the nervousness is misplaced. It is
powerful and accurate, and well worth owning as heavy artillery.
However, I have to admit I am disappointed in a `bow' with a shorter
range than a pistol.
The Nerf Bow has specialty arrows available (which may be used with
the other Nerf Weapons indicated above). You may have Water Arrows
(they have softer sponge cores which absorb water, leading to a
splashdown impact) and suction cup arrows (self explanatory). The
suction cup arrows, not having Nerf based warheads, could likely cause
more harm than others. I have yet to test the effectiveness of any of
these.
I can recommend this weapon as being a lot of fun, and as being a
good intimidation factor for M00se Throngs staging Nerf Wars. It is not
nearly as M00sey a weapon as the Missile Blaster, however.
RATINGS:
Accuracy: 10 out of 17.5. The weapon pulls to the right, but
it does so consistently, so as one gets used to the
action of the weapon, they learn to lead to the
left.
Usefulness: 47 out of 55. It is best at short ranges, but is
very effective there.
M00siness: 2 out of 10. The discipline needed for this weapon
counteracts the chaos inherent in Nerf.
THE NERF BOOMERANG:
The Nerf Boomerang is a green Nerf weapon, with three arms
extending from it's center at obtuse angles to each other. Each arm is
shaped like an airplane wing, with a plastic yellow button (for weight)
near the end of each arm. The arms are `warped,' angling towards the
top of the weapon. One `fires' the weapon by holding one of the arms,
with the top of the weapon facing you, cocking your arm, and throwing
with a spinning motion.
The Nerf boomerang is much firmer Nerf than the other weapons
reviewed herein. It could conceivably cause more damage than other Nerf
weapons because of this, except for one thing.
The Nerf boomerang is aerodynamically designed to fly in a circular
arc, returning to your hand. That's the design. Well, there isn't a
*single* Nerf boomerang that has ever done this. The weapons simply fly
off in a dizzying array of loops, swoops, and arcs, forming a chaotic
patter that is, to be blunt, hilarious. As a weapon it is useless
because it is more likely you will win the lottery without being shot
than it is you will hit your target. You will likely paralyze your
target with amazement and laughter, however, as they watch the
aerodynamic improbabilities inherent in the design of this weapon. It is
the most M00sey weapon I've ever seen. What's more, the Nerf
Boomerang redefines the frisbee-like game of catch, turning it into a
contact sport.
RATINGS:
Accuracy: -150 out of any number you want to choose.
Usefulness: There has never been any more useless weapon
invented for any purpose.
M00siness: Infinity minus two out of infinity.
NERF HYDRO BAZOOKA:
The Nerf Hydro Bazooka is a long yellow tube, with a blue and
yellow tube over it, tipped with an orange cup (designed to hold the
Bazooka ammunition). The blue and yellow outer tube is designed to be
pumped Shotgun style. An orange water tank is attached to the opposite
side of the weapon, and a blue brace for three rounds of ammunition is
on the top of the blue and yellow tube. The ammunition for the Nerf
Hydro Bazooka is a relatively solid small Nerf ball, yellow in color.
The Hydro Bazooka is designed to be fired in two different modes --
air based and water based. Firing is accomplished by loading a Nerf
ball in the cup on the end of the Hydro Bazooka, pulling the yellow tube
as far out of the blue and yellow tube as possible, aiming, and yanking
the blue and yellow tube towards yourself while pushing the yellow tube
away. In air mode (i.e. -- no water in the tank) a compressed air
charge forms, blasting the Nerf ball out at its target. In water mode,
the act of cocking the weapon (drawing the two tubes apart) fills the
chamber with water from the water tank, and firing blasts the Nerf ball
out in a spray of compressed air and water.
The Hydro Bazooka has got to be the most impressive sounding weapon
on the market. To approximate the sound of the weapon being fired, one
should take an airtight wooden box to the Painted Desert in the summer
when there is no breeze. In that absolute quiet, take a nail gun and
fire a nail into the box. You'll hear an incredible hollow >>FWACK<<.
This is approximately the noise the Nerf Hydro Bazooka makes in air
mode. It rattles your opponents well and scares small animals, and it
causes a person to make the inspired observation, "that is SO COOL!"
Which, admittedly, it is. It's the best feature of the weapon,
which otherwise is somewhat lackluster. It has a very short range in
air mode, caused by having to blast the ball out of the cup on the end,
rather than having the ball just sail off (as with the Nerf mini-missile
and missile weapons). This lack of range is made worse by the Nerf
ball's poor aerodynamics. It is also not a very accurate weapon, in
that firing the weapon involves moving both of your hands in different
directions. The Nerf ball does not cause any harm to any portion of the
anatomy, as we have come to expect of Nerf.
In water mode, the weapon is more powerful. Winter conditions have
prevented us from making a range test, but the blasts are far stronger
and the Nerf ball's range is improved. The Nerf Ball does not seem to
significantly absorb water, which is good. The specs of the Nerf Hydro
Bazooka claims it can fire three water blasts. This is exaggerated --
it fires one good blast, and one lackluster blast. After that, even
though the tank is still about half full, it barely fires any water at
all. Best to expect this weapon to be a Nerf weapon, instead of a water
weapon. Still, that first water blast is impressive -- putting any
`super' water cannon to shame.
Oddly enough, the cannon is not designed to fire in water mode
without Nerf Ammunition locked in the head of the chamber (Apparently
since the necessary compressed air charge cannot be formed). The weapon
designers have overcome this by including a fourth Nerf Ball with the
weapon -- a ball that is literally tethered to the Hydro Bazooka with an
orange plastic tab. In water mode, this allows the water blast to be
fired without the Nerf (for whatever reason a person might want to do
that). Without the water, however, I'd have to call it an entirely
different mode -- Popgun mode. All the incredible sound effects without
the Nerf ball to find, afterwards. This has to be the m00siest of the
firing modes.
The Hydro Bazooka is inexpensive (ten to twelve dollars) and a lot
of fun. It is not the best weapon for a Nerf War (see the head-to-head
comparison with the Nerf Bow, below), but it adds a lot of intimidation
factor and does give one good water blast that makes it unique.
RATINGS:
Accuracy: **
Usefulness: *** 1/2 -- Though you won't hit much, you'll rattle
your opponents to no end.
M00siness: **** 1/2 -- Not as M00sey as, say, the Nerf
Boomerang, but pretty darn M00sey nonetheless.
HEAD-to-HEAD
The Bow verses the Bazooka
Having secured two weapons of high artillery, the M00se Droppings
Allied Nerf Testing Team (consisting of Guardian M00se, Sabre the
Pr0phetm00se, and ManlyM00se) decided to place the weapons to the test -
would Sabre's Nerf Bow be able to take Manly's Hydro Bazooka in the
most American of problem resolution techniques -- the gunfight at high
noon.
We separated at a distance of fifteen to twenty feet, while
Guardian M00se pelted us randomly with shots fired off from his Missile
Blaster -- at which time Sabre and Manly would pause to hammer him with
high powered shot.
We used International M00se Dueling Convention Rules -- namely,
that any hit anywhere on the body counted, that there was no set time to
start shooting, that shots fired after being hit did not count, that a
double hit (both shots fired before either was hit) was a draw, and that
if one hit his opponent, he would thrust his fist into the air, howl
"VICTORY!!!" at the top of his lungs, and otherwise gloat.
Those rules being set, we immediately dueled for about an hour and
a half. Oddly enough, firing weapons at your best friend with murderous
intent never seems to get dull.
Results:
After long and involved testing, we determined that the Nerf Bow
was the better dueling weapon, by virtue of the fact that Sabre beat
Manly -- despite roughly equal skill -- about four hundred times,
compared to the fifteen to twenty Manly beat Sabre.
I admit I might be exaggerating.
The Nerf Bow's aim problem was not a factor, as in the heat of the
dual no one is aiming so much as using a combination of Zen and prayer,
and the Nerf Bow seems to excel in those conditions. The times the
Hydro Bazooka won almost always were in the first shot, as the Nerf Bow
reloads about twice as fast as the Hydro Bazooka -- which means the
Bowman can get off three shots in the time the Bazookaman can get off
two.
Further, when the dual consists of having one's weapons in one
hand, out of firing position, and having to raise, aim, and fire, the
Nerf Bow is easier to swing up. The Bowman simply raises the bow, grabs
the firing handle, pulls and releases. The Bazookaman, on the other
hand, must swing a heavier weapon up, grab the firing tube, adjust the
weapon, aim, and push and pull the tubes. While Manly got very fast
indeed, the Bow was faster.
Reloading the Hydro Bazooka in the heat of combat consists of
letting go of the yellow tube, popping a ball out of the rack, fitting
the ball in the cup, pulling the tubes apart, aiming, and firing.
Reloading the Nerf Bow in combat consists of letting go of the Firing
handle, grabbing a missile, fitting it, grabbing the handle, and
firing -- which are less steps than the Bazooka, and the steps
themselves go faster.
After fighting a dual, it is polite to gather up the expended shot
of your opponent and throw it back to him. If you lost, you may legally
attempt to hit your opponent with his shot. If you won, hitting your
opponent with his shot is gloating, and therefore also encouraged.
GUIDELINES FOR NERF USE:
Do not shoot Nerf Weapons at your cat. This scares them, as they
have brains the size of walnuts and don't understand the concept of
`harmless weaponry' Instead, shoot it immediately behind your cat,
grazing the cat's butt if possible. This freaks said cat, and then you
can have hours of fun shooting Nerf missiles off and having the cat tear
after it with no regard to their own safety. We're talking enemies for
life, and cats seem to love this, because they are weird.
Do not shoot Nerf Weapons at your dog, unless you enjoy getting
expensive Nerf ammunition back ripped apart, useless, and covered in dog
spit.
Do not shoot Nerf Weapons at your Congressman. They cause no
damage.
Do not shoot Nerf Weapons at expensive crystal. They will not harm
the crystal in the slightest, but they might knock the crystal off their
shelf and that can cause damage.
Shoot Nerf Weapons at everything else.
* * *
BOING BOING
A Most Cyberm00sey Magazine
reviewed by your pal Svedishm00se
This is a strange and fascinating magazine that came to my
attention sometime in 1991, or possibly 1992, I forget. The first issue
I bought, #6, lists a date of "sometime in 1991." It's now up to #11,
and seems to be going strong.
Boing Boing is a magazine more or less dedicated to radicalism,
cyberpunk, drugs, sex, game theory, anarchy, the Internet, mucks, music,
philosophy, paranoia, underground zines, and other fun stuff. What
sets it apart from a lot of other material of the same manner is in what
it doesn't have: kitsch, inflated self-importance, or a boring
insistence that it has something important to say. It's cool without
being elitist, and has an overall feel to it I can only describe as
"m00sey."
Articles in the most recent issue run the gamut: there's "Zip3:
Frankenstein and artificial life," an excerpt from Rudy Rucker's
upcoming nonfiction work on genetic engineering and wetware; "Fake
Funland," a marvelously sarcastic review of the toy fare available at
Toys R' Us (no Nerf was mentioned); "Fetish for S&M," an interview with
the organizer of a theatrical S&M show whose show was recently 'busted'
in a sting operation despite the technicality of not having actually
violated any laws; "Quantum Tantra," an interview with author Nick
Herbert cross-connecting the subjects; "Black Science Navigator," a
parodical look at primarily white alternative culture trying to enlist
African Americans; "The Poor Humans Guide to the Internet," a brief
overview of how to get cheap Internet access; "A Six-Pack of Dystopia,"
reviewing six cheesy post-apocalyptic films, and so on. Recent issues
have delved into chaos software, the application of nanotech to
clothing, building robots, and interviews with Lewis Shiner, Bruce
Sterling, and Terence McKenna.
That's not all it has, of course. There are loads of reviews of
underground zines, music, and videos. It has advertisements from a wide
variety of alternative press sources and products. One of my favorites
is one that appeared in the most recent issue, reviewing a publication
called "Paranoia: the Conspiracy Reader," which takes conspiracy
material from a wide spectrum of conspiracy mongers and packages it up
for easy, convenient consumption. Expect to see it reviewed here
sometime in the future.
Finally, in the most recent issue, several very m00sey games were
suggested by Don Webb. My favorite: the conference call game:
"a) Get conference calling for you phone. b) Set up a conference
call between a telephone sex service, your local PBS pledge line, Pat
Robertson's prayer line, and a lawyer's referral service. c) Record and
broadcast as a radio performance."
RATINGS:
Content: Yes.
Layout: Not quite 'slick,' but clear and professional.
Thumbs: Up.
(BB is available at non-scum-infested comic shops in lots of places,
though not necessarily near you, at $4 per issue. Subscriptions are
available: $14 for 4 quarterly issues, $25 for 8. Write to:
bOING bOING; 544 Second St.; San Francisco, CA 94107 USA, or e-mail
for info: Carla Sinclair, editor in chief, at carla@well.sf.ca.us.)
* * *
RIGHT GUARD SPORTS STICK ("FRESH SCENT") DEODORANT
The Battle Against Odor Rages On With New Minty Blue Flavor
again by Svedishm00se
Most men in this post-modern jungle we call civilization want only
the basic things from their underarm deodorant. They want it to
suppress the fumes from their underarm pits so they can mate with
something that has a nose. It has long been my position that this
dramatically underrates the true possibilities inherent in a quantity of
perspiration annihilating substance.
Consider, for instance, the subject of this review, the Right Guard
Sports Stick Deodorant. My current edition is the "Fresh Scent" model,
though I must admit the question of "a fresh *what*?" has still not been
answered. As near as I can figure, it could be fresh tile scrubber, or
fresh plastic. Licking it has not helped identify what it is supposed
to be a "fresh" version of.
Given it's clear blue look, I've hypothesized that it might be a
solidified version of Peppermint Scope. I have not ingested any of it
yet, so I don't know how true this is, but it certainly looks eerily
similar. There's probably a chemistry doctorate in here somewhere.
It is cool to the skin, and tends to leave a slick residue. It
does not cause tingling sensations when applied to the nipples, which is
unfortunate, though largely predictable. Applying a thin, even coat of
it to the television screen has provided minutes of entertainment,
particularly while 'Family Matters,' was on. The entertainment ended
when it was realized that it did nothing to distort the sound, and that
none of the people inside the TV noticed in any way.
It is completely ineffective as a writing utensil on anything
smaller than a wall. Besides, you can't read the words anyway.
Ingesting large quantities of intoxicants will make this product
seem more important than it is. It also--
<whap!>
Hey!
"Victory!" shouts Sabre.
You've had your review, already! Go away!
<whap!>
"Victory!"
That does it! I've got a Nerf grenade, and I'm not afraid to use
it!
[Insert scene of tremendous carnage, resulting in no damage
whatsoever.]
RATINGS:
Science Value: three stars
Resistance
to Nerf: same as everything else
Deodorizing: um...I forgot to test this.
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| I woke up this morning to find that we have | William R. Dickson |
| outlived the myth of trust. You woke up this | Int'l M00se Illuminati |
| morning to the fact we've lost the things we | wrd@beer.wa.com |
| took for granted between us. |------------------------|
| -- Billy Bragg | Read Superguy! |
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Date: Mon, 14 Nov 1994 01:19:19 -0800
From: Dark M00se Rising <wrd@beer.wa.com>
Subject: M00se Droppings #51 (11/13/94) -- Mea Culpa!
M00SE DROPPINGS #51 - November 13, 1994
=======================================
A-M00s-ing Anecdotes and Illumination By and For the Pawns of the
M00se Illuminati
_M00se Droppings_ is published on the 13th of each month, more or
less. Send submissions and subscription requests to wrd@beer.wa.com.
All contents copyright the respective authors. More explicit
copyright notice forthcoming, pending consultation with
Pr0phetm00se, our resident expert.
This issue is being mailed to 84 chapters of the M00se Illuminati.
STAFF:
Editor In Chief: Bill Dickson <wrd@beer.wa.com>
Reviews Editor: Gary Olson <swede@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu>
News Editor: Dominic White <ick@artiste.wa.com>
Superguy Chronicler: Eric Burns <rubicon@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu>
IN THIS ISSUE:
Editorial Notes & Excuses
News Droppings
Reporter positions filled
M00se Droppings archived on Philadelphia BBS
M00se in a Quarry (I know, I know, it's serious)
Regular Features
Ask The Sage
Tracking the M00sey Age
Reviews
Beer
EDITORIAL NOTES
---------------
>From Pickle, your Friendly Editor
Greetings, fellow m00ses! Welcome to M00se Droppings #51, next in
a seemingly endless series of smallish text documents that wing
their way through the electronic ether from my place to yours!
In this issue, we have some special items from regular contri-
butors Svedishm00se and Pr0phetm00se, as well as-
What's that?
Oh. I'd hoped you wouldn't notice.
Yes, yes, I did miss the last two months. This isn't so much a
monthly issue as a quarterly one. I admit the fact, and I
apologize.
But I do have some excuses, and I know you're just dying to hear
them.
I was sick! I was house hunting! I was moving! It was like that
when I got here! I was exhausted! The Devil made me do it! I
changed jobs! I was confused!
Not bad, eh?
Anyway, that does about cover it. And I'm afraid that, even with
all the extra time, submissions are still dismally low and the
issue is rather small. But hey, you know how to fix that, don't
you?
Before I go, I would like to pose a question. Responses are
welcome -- nay, encouraged -- and should be sent to my address,
wrd@beer.wa.com. That question is this:
What do you think of the setext format used in recent issues?
Are you making use of it with a setext reader, or do you just
read it in normal email and wish the issue looked the way it used
to? Let me know, and I'll decide if we're going to keep it like
it is, or work on a prettied-up ASCII format without any setext
tags.
Of course, maybe we should switch to HTML....hmmmmmm....
NEWS DROPPINGS
--------------
Little turds of information for your enjoyment and edification.
_Editorial_Positions_
Some of you may recall that a couple of editorial positions were
up for grabs three months ago. As you can see by the credits
at the top of the issue, this is no longer the case! I'd like
to thank both who applied, and give a warm welcome to hard-
working Pr0phetm00se, our new Superguy Chronicler. Look for the
Superguy Chronicles to begin in the January issue, and "Meet the
M00ses" next issue.
_M00se Droppings Archived on Philadelphia BBS_
Mogul, sysop of the Philadelphia-area BBS "Mogel-Land"
(phone: 215-732-3413) has started archiving M00se Droppings along
with thousands of other electronic text files. Check it out!
_M00se in a Quarry (I know, I know, it's serious)_
In this particular section of the issue, we intended to include
an entertaining story about an 800-pound m00se that was spending
a pleasant afternoon near a quarry, attracted lots of attention,
and finally wound up taking a swan dive twenty-five feet down
into the water after being shot with a tranquilizer dart. The
story would have included a little blurb about how the crane that
lifted the m00se up onto dry land was tipped over by the weight,
but that despite the series of mishaps, the m00se was just fine
and had trotted away under its own power at the end of the episode.
However, it turns out that it was an AP press release, and since we
don't subscribe to their service, it probably would have been a
copyright infringement. So instead, we just paraphrased it.
Thank you for your time.
REGULAR FEATURES
----------------
Returning again are Superguy Digest's The Sage with his omniscient
advice, and Pr0phetm00se's report on the progression of the M00sey
Age.
Feel free to send in your questions for The Sage, care of
wrd@beer.wa.com. It would be tragic if we had to start making
them up.
Ask The Sage
------------
The Only Advice Column You'll Ever Need or Want
by Superguy Digest's The Sage
DEAR SAGE,
Or should I say 'Sagelocian the x-Soviet Armenian butcher/klutz/
looney'? We will not let you forget the genocide of 2.5 million
Muslim people slaughtered by you and your 'killi/kokulu church'
and those like you. Give it up to your 'papazian', 'stooge of
SDPA'! When will you admit your culpability?
The Serdy-Gerdy Man
Serdy,
For the last time, I will not buy any encyclopedias from you! I
already know everything there is to know! I'm the Sage! (As an
aside, understanding you is one of the few things that strains
even my omniscient abilities! Oy!)
DEAR SAGE,
I edit and publish a monthly magazine for the, uh, "Cow"
Illuminati. However, nobody ever sends me submissions to help fill
it up, so I have to write lots of filler to "pad out" the
newsletter for my fellow "cows." I am even beginning to fear that
we will have to start making up letters for our advice columnist.
How can I get my fellow "cows" to start sending me submissions?
"Cucumber" in "Columbus"
Cucumber,
The answer is simple, my green friend: beer! Promise them beer!
As much quality, microbrewed beer as they can drink! Spare no
expense! (Alternatively, send the beer to me. Even in an
intoxicated state, I could make up some pretty startling letters!
After all, I know everything there is to know about being
startling! I'm the Sage!)
DEAR SAGE,
I am given to understand that you not only know all there is to
know, but that you are extremely handsome, sexy, charming, witty,
vivacious, hard-bodied, suave, muscular, and rugged, too. You
make Tom Cruise look like a rotting pile of whale snot. You make
Stephen Hawking look like Forrest Gump. Your sexual prowess is
matched only by your modesty. This is not a made-up letter at
all. Really.
Not-the-Sage in North Dakota
Not-the-Sage,
Why, thank you, for those unsolicited and completely not-made-up-
by-me comments! I compliment you on your insights and accurate
percept--
*AHEM*
Er...oh, Pickle! I was just...er...
*YES?*
Well, dammit, if we got more questions from your cows...
*M00SES.*
I knew that! I'm the...
*SAGE, YES, I KNOW. I SIGN YOUR CHECKS, AFTER ALL.*
Oh, forget it. Let's go get some beer.
*OKAY.*
That's all the time I have for this issue! This is the Sage,
signing off!
Tracking the M00sey Age
-----------------------
Prophecy McNuggests for your Electrification
by Reverend Sabre the Pr0phetm00se
I am not a person who is, by nature, easily impressed. Even when
it is my own prophecy we're discussing, I tend to keep skeptical.
Murphy's Law affects the prophetic as well as anything else,
after all, and I am naturally wary of my prophecy and enlightenment
taking a disastrous turn when I least expect it and am most culpable
for it, at least in a legal sense. You can imagine how nervous I
was, therefore, after I began to reveal the Path of Tippy the House
Shrimp, who was sacrificed by Leviam00se for all of us. After all,
we're treading into pretty blasphemous waters with statements like
that. If we aren't tempting the Gods to smite us down with
lightning, at the very least we're tempting hate mail from the
Religious Right.
Of course, it is one of my most cherished goals in life to have a
work of mine be banned by the Catholic Church, but I digress.
Therefore, you can imagine that I wouldn't persist in preaching the
Way of the House Shrimp if I hadn't been convinced myself, right?
Therefore, to borrow from my colleague in journalism, Dave Barry
(I can call him a colleague, because I'm a liar), I am not making
any of the ~facts~ in this essay up. This stuff really happened.
I guess to begin with, I should talk about the Transfigurement of
Tippy.
For those of you who do not know, Transfigurement is the carrying
of the corpus (or body) into heaven (or Seattle). According to
Christian Myth (there goes that writing campaign again), Christ rose
from the dead after three days and was transfigured, leaving no
trace behind except for his foreskin, since he was Jewish. In fact,
a number of Christian shrines in the Middle Ages claimed to have the
foreskin of Christ as a sacred relic.
I am ~still~ not making this up.
Well, you may recall that the House Owner I was staying with at the
time had decided to leave Tippy to rot in the bottom of the tank
where he was hanging out. It was a week or two later that he
decided to empty the water and clean the tank. Now, there was a lid
on top of the tank, which kept the cats out. I didn't open it. The
House Owner didn't open it.
When he emptied the tank out, Tippy's body was gone.
I am ~not~ making this up.
I immediately realized that Tippy had been Transfigured, and was
already in the Promised Land (Seattle, as I said) drinking Latte and
listening to alternative rock. The House Owner agreed. ManlyM00se,
my M00se Nerf Armament Testing Buddy and Good Friend, scoffed, and
said that Tippy had just dissolved in the salt water, his exoskeleton
melting quickly and his innards wasting away. I thus redubbed
ManlyM00se Doubting Francis, and said that I would make a pilgrimage
to Seattle to look for Tippy.
Just before I made my spiritual quest, Doubting Francis recanted. He
too found the path of Tippy. He once again assumed his M00sly name of
ManlyM00se and returned to the fold.
Now, ManlyM00se lived in Ithaca, New York. He had tried to get a job
at Cornell University for years. Years. I say again, years. No
good. All doors were closed. He had recently quit working for a
certain company on the grounds of his employer was a Rat Bastard, and
was now a temporary to pay the bills and keep his children in
implements of destruction.
After finding the true path of Tippy, ManlyM00se was approached by his
current supervisor. He was, in fact, working up at Cornell at the
time, and had looked into getting real, full time work there, but had
been rebuffed as always. ManlyM00se's Supervisor ordered ManlyM00se
to fill out an application and then hand-delivered it to the Cornell
Campus Store, who then called him and made him go in for an Interview.
Whereupon they gave him a Directorship in the Store, where he now
heads their Digital Systems department.
I'm ~still~ not making this up.
In the meantime, I moved to Seattle, searching for Tippy. While I
haven't found Tippy himself, I ~have~ found contentment at a new (non-
temporary) job, a beautiful, inexpensive house to live in with two
other M00ses who have accepted the Way of Tippy, and I've been
ordained. Not in the Church of Tippy, but in a Church that has no
doctrine at all except that whatever the individual believer believes
is right. So therefore the Way of Tippy is doctrinally correct, and I
can perform marriages and have discounts on public transport.
None of the above was made up. It all happened or is happening.
So don't tell ~ME~ my prophecy's crap! Transfigured shrimp, M00ses
being thrown productive jobs and Legal and Moral Ordination that was
free and simple should be enough to convince any and all of the
Doubting Francises amongst you.
Of course, the upheavals of the above have prevented me from producing
the latest transcriptions of my visions into the Book of Crustaceans.
Next time, I promise.
Hey, you can trust me. I'm a Minister. And so far, I'm batting a
thousand.
NEXT TIME -- conclusive proof of the Anger of the Gods stemming from
off-year Winter Olympics being held, and how it relates to Republican
gains in Congress.
REVIEWS
-------
Edited by Svedishm00se
All reviews for future editions of The Gary, Eric, Dominic, and Bill
Follies should be sent to me at swede@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu, or
swede@drycas.bitnet. Review anything you like - films, fanzines,
deodorants, religions, and so on. You are encouraged to invent your
own rating system - the more inconsistent this section is, the m00sier
it is. If you are able to send your review formatted to 72 columns,
please do. If not, don't worry about it - this isn't rocket science,
you know. Pickle's deadline for submissions is the 11th of each
month, so reviews should be in to me no later than the 9th.
This month, we have a review of several microbrews from the Pacific
Northwest, written by Svedishm00se, who lives nowhere near that
region.
BEER
----
Some reviews by Svedishm00se
Items: Black Hook Porter, Red Hook ESB, Thomas Kemper Weizen
Berry, Grant's Perfect Porter, Emerald City Ale
Price: Yes. (They were a gift, you see.)
Purchased From: Various microbreweries in the Pacific Northwest.
A few months ago, Svedishm00se was laboring hard. What was he doing,
you ask?
(pause)
Well, ask, already!
(pause)
Oh, never mind, I'll tell you anyway. He was working hard on editing
scenes written by various Superguy authors for "Symphony," the
concluding, massively-long battle in the Industrial Revolution
storyline, a storyline whose epic nature inspired heavy drinking in
almost everyone who encountered it. Many were the hours he spent,
painful were the headaches he got, blunt were the instruments he hit
himself in the head with. Finally, it was completed, and, lo, it
went over well.
Pickle and Icky-M00se decided to reward Svedishm00se for his effort
in this long and grueling endeavor. In a gesture that proved once
and for all how astonishingly m00sey they were, they gave the gift
of beer. Not just any beer, mind you, but top-quality microbrewed
beer from some of the finest microbreweries in the state of
Washington.
There were twelve in all, though I'll just single out five here for
special mention. The other seven were quite good, though I'm not
sure how big a fan I am of wheat beer yet.
Of the twelve, my favorites were the two porters, the Black Hook
Porter and Grant's Perfect Porter. "Perfect" doesn't begin to
describe them - I'd say they're thrice as good as Anchor Porter, my
former favorite porter. I'm given to understand that they're
expensive as compared to "Budweiser," or any other mass-produced
bile you would care to name, but I'd consider the extra money to be
well spent.
The Thomas Kemper Weizen Berry was excellent, a tasty blending of
lager and raspberry juice that went down quickly. The Emerald City
Ale was easily on par with Pete's Wicked Ale, and the Red Hook ESB
(Extra Strong Bitter) was marvelously good.
My ratings are as follows:
Beers: Black Hook Porter, Grant's Porter: 10
Thomas Kemper Weizen Berry: 9.4
Emerald City Ale: 9.2
Red Hook ESB: 9.1
The Rest: (avg. 8.9)
Pickle and
Icky: Truly great and noble m00ses.
[Editor's Note: Lest the reader get the impression that Pickle and
Icky-M00se are all sweetness and light, it should be noted that
they made a desperate attempt to convince Svedishm00se that the
beer was actually his birthday present, and that they hadn't
actually forgotten the event. He was not taken in, however.]
ADMINISTRIVIA
-------------
_Subscriptions_: To subscribe to M00se Droppings, send a message to
Pickle (wrd@beer.wa.com), containing the subject line "subscribe
droppings". To unsubscribe, use the subject line "unsubscribe
droppings".
_Submissions_: For a current submissions guidelines file, send a
message with the subject line "submission guidelines". To send an
actual submission, use the subject line "submit droppings".
_Shameless_plugs_: If you enjoy M00se Droppings, you may also enjoy
_Superguy_Digest_, a shared-world collaborative fiction group
devoted mostly to humorous superhero fiction. To subscribe, send
mail to listserv@ucf1vm.cc.ucf.edu, containing the command
"subscribe superguy your name here" in the body of the message.
(Naturally, there are no quotes in the actual command, and you use
your own name.) Also check out the Superguy Web Site, at:
http://www.halcyon.com/superguy/superguy.html
..
--
William R. Dickson, M00se Illuminatus.................wrd@beer.wa.com
Co-Author, Internet Explorer Kit for Macintosh........iek@tidbits.com
Author, "Team Cynical," Superguy Digest....listserv@ucf1vm.cc.ucf.edu
magazines/M00SE/ml002.txt
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_ _ _ _
.' `-' `. ..' `.' `.
| moose `-. .-' lite |
`--------;` `;----------'
.-(o:o)---------.
| | #2
; _ o o |
`. `.' ~~-. ;
| : `----'
STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION
A Twenty Minute STTNG Short:
"The Stupidity Snare"
Scene: Standard shot of Enterprise in orbit.
Picard: Captain's Log, stardate, et cetera, et cetera. During a
mapping mission of the Omicron Kappa system, we came
across the wreckage of a Pakled ship. Commander LaForge
assisted in the decoding of information recovered from
the ship's black box.
FADE IN:
INT. PAKLED ENGINEERING SECTION
GERARLD is standing in front of a burned-out console. Faint trails of smoke are
drifing up out of several large holes in the front. Behind him stand ALFREYD,
MORTIMERD and BENUTI. Each takes a turn to point at the console and deliver a
line.
GERARLD: It is broken.
ALFREYD: (nods) It is broken.
GERARLD: It must be fixed.
MORTIMERD: It is broken.
GERARLD: (points at BENUTI) You are smart. You will make it go.
BENUTI: It is broken.
GERARLD: It must be fixed.
BENUTI: (points at ALFREYD) You are smart.
ALFREYD: I am not smart. (points at GERARLD) You are smart. You
will make it go.
GERARLD: What is it? I am not smart. (points at ALFREYD) You
are smart. What is wrong with it?
ALFREYD: It is broken.
GERARLD: It must be fixed.
(fade up Horns of Doom, cut to main title sequence)
(Space, Blah Blah Blah)
INT. PAKLED ENGINEERING SECTION
GERARLD, ALFREYD, MORTIMERD and BENUTI are still standing in front of the
burned-out console.
ALFREYD: It is broken.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken.
MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart.
ALFREYD: It must be fixed.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart.
GERARLD: I am not smart. (points at MORTIMERD) You are smart.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
GERARLD: We look for things.
ALFREYD: It must be fixed.
GERARLD: I am not smart. (points at MORTIMERD) You are smart.
MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart.
ALFREYD: It must be fixed.
BENUTI: (points at GERARLD) You are smart. You will make it go.
MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart.
BENUTI: It is Broken.
BENUTI: (points at GERARLD) You are smart. You will make it go.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
BENUTI: It is Broken.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
BENUTI: (points at GERARLD) You are smart. You will make it go.
MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart.
ALFREYD: It must be fixed.
GERARLD: We look for things.
BENUTI: It is Broken.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
BENUTI: It is Broken.
GERARLD: I am not smart. (points at MORTIMERD) You are smart.
ALFREYD: It must be fixed.
(fade up Horns of Doom, cut to commercial)
INT. PAKLED ENGINEERING SECTION
GERARLD, ALFREYD, MORTIMERD and BENUTI are still standing in front of the
burned-out console.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
BENUTI: It is Broken.
ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
BENUTI: (points at GERARLD) You are smart. You will make it go.
MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart.
GERARLD: I am not smart. (points at MORTIMERD) You are smart.
GERARLD: We look for things.
MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart.
GERARLD: I am not smart. (points at MORTIMERD) You are smart.
ALFREYD: It must be fixed.
BENUTI: It is Broken.
ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
GERARLD: We look for things.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
BENUTI: It is Broken.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
BENUTI: (points at GERARLD) You are smart. You will make it go.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart.
ALFREYD: It must be fixed.
GERARLD: I am not smart. (points at MORTIMERD) You are smart.
GERARLD: We look for things.
BENUTI: It is Broken.
ALFREYD: It must be fixed.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
BENUTI: (points at GERARLD) You are smart. You will make it go.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
BENUTI: (points at GERARLD) You are smart. You will make it go.
(fade up Horns of Doom, cut to commercial)
INT. PAKLED ENGINEERING SECTION
GERARLD, ALFREYD, MORTIMERD and BENUTI are still standing in front of the
burned-out console.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
ALFREYD: It must be fixed.
ALFREYD: It must be fixed.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
GERARLD: We look for things.
ALFREYD: It must be fixed.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart.
ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
BENUTI: It is Broken.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
ALFREYD: It must be fixed.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
GERARLD: We look for things.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
GERARLD: I am not smart. (points at MORTIMERD) You are smart.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
ALFREYD: It must be fixed.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
BENUTI: It is Broken.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart.
GERARLD: We look for things.
GERARLD: I am not smart. (points at MORTIMERD) You are smart.
GERARLD: We look for things.
MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
ALFREYD: It must be fixed.
MORTIMERD: It is Broken.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
ALFREYD: (nods) It is Broken.
MORTIMERD: (points at BENUTI) You are not smart.
BENUTI: It is Broken.
GERARLD: We look for things.
GERARLD: It is Broken.
FX: loud explosion. Ship depressurises; GERARLD, BENUTI,
ALFREYD and MORTIMERD are blown out into space.
THE END. Roll credits.