118 lines
7.3 KiB
Plaintext
118 lines
7.3 KiB
Plaintext
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/-----------------------------------------------------------------------------\
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| Fun! with mailboxes |
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| Written by The Nightfly |
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| March 26, 1986 |
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| Spread it around! |
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\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------/
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Tired of cruising the streets looking for fun when nothing seems to be
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happening? Bored of hanging around Dairy Queen at 3 AM? Well, fear not
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because here is a fun and deceptively challenging activity that is sure
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to releive those late-night doldrums. Yeah, you got it: smashing mailboxes
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(and other hapless roadside fixtures). Before you start you'll need to make
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a trip to your basement or garage to get the proper equipment, which include:
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- Crowbar
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- Sledgehammer
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- Pickaxe
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- A segment of board big enough to cover the front bumper of your car
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- Twine and/or rope
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- Explosives (i.e. M-80's, M-100's, etc.)
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- Spray paint
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Also, it makes for a better time if you can get ahold of some beer,
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liquor, marijuana, etc. Just make sure one person stays sober to drive.
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So. Now you are standing out in your driveway at some wee hour of the
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morning with your car full of demoliton equipment. Now what? Well, first you
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must put some protection on your front bumper, which unprotected tends to
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get rather scuffed up. Tie a length of board securely to the front bumper with
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rope or twine, making sure that the board is long enough to protect the entire
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bumper, but be careful that it does not obscure the headlights. The board
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should be as thick as possible, and you might consider putting some padding
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between it and the bumper, just in case it breaks. Now you are set to roll!
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(Look out, though. Cops tend to be rather suspicious of cars driving around
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looking like tanks, especially if they have intoxicated, armed teenagers
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hanging out of the windows. You could get in serious trouble for any of the
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actions I am about to describe, so be wary of the men in blue).
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The first step is to select the mailboxes you want to crush. Generally,
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these fall into two categories: boxes belonging to enemies/losers, and
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boxes selected simply at random. So drive around until you find a good,
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dark, secluded road (perhaps in an exclusive section of town). Look for
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houses with no lights on, and with neighboring houses that are either also
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asleep or else a safe distance away. Once you are sure there are no witnesses,
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choose your method of destruction:
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- By crowbar: this is generally the most difficlut method. For maximum
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effectiveness, try an uppercut, which is the best for completely
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removing the box from its post. Or, you can try the plain old
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baseball-style swing, straight from the side, which has a smaller
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chance of actually dismembering the box, but which will bend the post
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over partway, put a good crease in the side of the box, and bend it,
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causing it to appear comically lopsided.
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- By sledgehammer: there is really only one thing you can do with a
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sledgehammer: bring it down on the top of the box with all yer might.
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This will, quite simply, crush it. If you really lean into it and hit
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it lots of times, you might be able to squash it into a pankake.
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This could take more than a few seconds, though, so watch the house
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carefully. The sound of a mailbox being smashed wakes people up
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easily and fast.
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- By pickaxe: the method here is similar to using a sledgehammer, but
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the effect will be different in that the mailbox will definetly be
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unrepairable, since it will have several holes in it (as many as you
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wish to make). It's also not quite as loud, but that doesn't mean
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much.
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- Explosives: if you need to be told what to do with these, what are you
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doing reading this file? Be sure you put a long fuse on it, though;
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you don't want any mailbox fragments hitting your car, do you?
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- Spray paint: mailboxes make a good billboard for you to announce your
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opinion of their owners on, but there is not much room. You might be
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forced to write in the "margins" (i.e. the sidewalk, street, fence,
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etc.)
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- Your car: yes, this is the reason you put that board on the front of
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the car. Try knocking the box down, then running it over (as many
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times as you feel necessary).
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O.K., so now you've knocked down 10 or 20 mailboxes, and it is starting to
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wear a little thin. So, you progress to the next step: CAPTURING mailboxes.
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Actually, you should be doing this at the same time you are knocking them down.
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Whenever you acrually knock on off its post, grab it and throw it in the back
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seat. When you grow tired of knocking them down, or the back seat and trunk
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become full, you can start disposing of the collected boxes. Try securing
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several of them to your back bumper, then speeding down the highway until
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they fall off. Throw a few at things you don't like. If someone in another
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car on the highway flips you off, or otherwise rubs you the wrong way,
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quickly speed ahead of them and throw mailboxes at them; it'll dent up
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their car a little, and might even break a window. Be sure to get away fast,
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because if they are real asswipes they will take your liscnse number and
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report you to the cops. Back off the highway, try speeding down country roads
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and throwing them at trees, phone poles, parked cars, etc. Make sure no one
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is behind you.
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Now it's almost 3am, and your hands are starting to ache from throwing
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all those mailboxes around. So dump all those remaining boxes in someone's
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yard, and head off to begin the next step: no-holds-barred destruction of
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roadside fixtures. See if you can bust up a parking meter so bad that the
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coins come out. Use the crowbar to pry "fortress phones" off the wall, then
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take them to a vacant lot or a parking lot and smash them inside out. If there
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is really >nobody< out on the streets, try taking a pickaxe and sledgehammer
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to one of those boxes that control traffic lights. Be very careful doing that,
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though, because those things have electricity in them. You should be alright
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if you use tools with wooden handles, though. Also, really be sure there is
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no one around because if the cops catch you doing that they'll definetly
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take you down to the station.
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Well, that's about all I can think of right now, but remeber, these are
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only guidelines to give you ideas. Feel free to experiment; anything is fair
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game. And keep the risks in mind; some of my freinds got busted for smashing
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boxes recently, cuz some "good citizen" got their liscense number and reported
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them. But don't worry too much; have a good time. Happy smashing!
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/-----------------------------------------------------------------------------\
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