295 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
295 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
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| Shadow Stories, Inc. |
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| is proud to present |
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| "WWIII - a fantasy" |
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| (Part 1 of 2) |
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LARGER THAN LIFE:
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Enter stage west: one American president, by the name of Harold Gullifaver.
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Well known for his startling portrayals of demented soap-opera stars, and also
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great at parties for his imitations of Richard Nixon. Very conscientious in his
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decisions of state, using Tarot cards, horoscopes, and Ouija sessions with his
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cabinet.
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Enter stage east: one Russian leader, Ivan Sarkov. Rose quickly in the ranks
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of the party because of his penchant for "dead American" jokes, and by not
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dying. His most subtle example of foreign policy was blackmailing the Prime
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Minister of Bangladesh. Believes that the American imperialistic empire would
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have long ago fallen if not for Calvin Klein jeans and "Coca-cola."
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INTERNATIONAL CONSIDERATIONS:
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The United States and Russia: two nations, much the same, except that the
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U.S. calls its brand of pragmatic socialism "democracy," while Russia calls its
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brand "communism," except while naming provinces, whereby they put "Democratic"
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in the name to look good on maps. Both countries have massive stockpiles of
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deadly weapons, but neither will use them, for fear that the other country's
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counterattack would destroy the very foundations on which their brand of
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pragmatic socialism rests.
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BIGGER THAN A BREADBOX:
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A small island, "Myopia," so small that even has not been lampooned on the
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"Tonight Show." Chief export: guana fruit. Recipient of two tons of old
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processed cheese from the United States, along with three out-of-date rifles
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from the U.S.S.R. Latest rise in the standard of living: a phone booth was
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installed in the town square, courtesy of AT&T. Unused because it requires
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American coins, but nonetheless the hub of social activity in Myopia,
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representing as it does Myopia entering the 20th century.
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CROSSCURRENTS OF CONTROVERSY:
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A Russian cleaning lady, deciding to call her relatives in East Germany,
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decided to save money and use one of the KGB's phones, as the KGB never did, for
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fear of being tapped by the United States. Somehow dialing the wrong number,
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she did not receive an answer.
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Somewhere in Myopia: Ring. Ring. Ring.
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The CIA was extremely concerned at the latest report. A call had been made
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from the KGB to a heretofore unknown country called "Myopia." The CIA chief,
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Hans Offme, conferred with his advisors.
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"As you can see, gentlemen, we have an event of untold proportions unfolding
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even as we speak. There has been a communication from the KGB to Myopia, one of
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our staunchest allies; we must decide now what action to take?"
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"How about ignoring it? Who ever heard of Myopia, anyway?" said one foolish
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aide.
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"Demote yourself two ranks," yelled Hans Offme. "Don't you realize that this,
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besides being another ploy of the communist countries, is a means of justifying
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our latest budget? Why, just yesterday, one of our bugs picked up the President
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asking why-in-hell our budget was so large."
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"Maybe it's a defection, sir," replied one bright young man.
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"Good, good. However, we do not have any agents in Myopia right now; that's
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being rectified right now, you can be sure. If it is not a defection, why, it
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must be... Jones, get our manual out, and look up 'Major Catastrophes to Watch
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For.'"
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"Hmmm... page 2097... one moment, sir," mumbled Jones. "Okay, here we go.
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Number 1 is 'defection,' but we've cleared that out. Number 2: 'Budget cut.'
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Nope, sorry, that's marked 'domestic only,' along with number 3, 'Embarassment
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to the agency.' This is it, sir, number 4: 'Foreign invasion of an ally.'"
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"Invasion!" cried Hans. "Contact the President at once!"
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MONOTONOUS MEDIA MOMENTS:
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"I have just learned today that the evil Russian empire, once again attempting
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to thwart our eventual goal of a democratic society across the world, has plans
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to invade one of our staunchest allies, Myopia. I would like to let the great
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American people know that this latest overt act by Russia will not go
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unnoticed."
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RUSSIAN REPRISALS:
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Ivan, hearing the President's broadcast, was extremely disconcerted. Calling
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in his advisors, he demanded an explanation.
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"What is the meaning of this! Why has our invasion of Myopia been
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discovered?"
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"We aren't invading Myopia, sir."
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"What! Why not?"
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"It's an insignificant little country in Asia, not meriting the propaganda
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drive that would be needed to glorify its invasion."
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"Why do the Amerikans believe that we are invading it, then?"
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"I don't really know, sir. Perhaps the Amerikans are using this as a smoke
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screen to cover up a subversion of their own."
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Ivan, hearing this, was wrathful. "To quote a great Russian philosopher:
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the wise man does not stand passive while the manure truck unloads upon him."
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MONOTONOUS MEDIA MOMENTS:
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"I have just learned today that the evil American empire, once again
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attempting to thwart our eventual goal of a communistic society across the
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world, has plans to invade one of our staunchest allies, Myopia. I would like
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to let the great Russian people know that this latest overt act by America will
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not go unnoticed."
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TENSIONS INCREASE:
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The President, hearing the latest Russian speech, countered with two 'evil
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empires,' one 'domino theory,' and three 'our forces stand ready.'
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Ivan Sarkov, seeing this, countered with three 'imperialistic dogmatic
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swine-bearing drooling pigs,' and then raised the pot with 'U.N. action,' and
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threatened with 'our glorious military forces.'
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The President increased tension with 'you slime-hipped refuge of WWII,' while
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Sarkov retaliated with 'you large nosed sniveling actor with delusions of
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adequacy.'
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The President responded with 'embargo,' and finally stated, 'No more Calvin
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Kleins for you, fella.'
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WWIII had started.
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EUROPEAN VACATION:
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"Sir, I just received an order from Ivan Sarkov himself, sir. He commands the
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Warsaw pact to invade."
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"What!?"
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"We are to invade, sir."
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"Invade!? Invade what?" cried Karkov.
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Karkov Cherovankev, the Warsaw pact leader, had reached his exalted position
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because of his ability to recite all of the Party credoes and mottos perfectly.
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"I'm not quite sure, sir. Sarkov did not exactly specify. Perhaps Western
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Europe, sir?"
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"Western Europe!? Are they insane? We could get killed!"
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"I realize that, sir."
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"Are you quite sure about that order?"
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"I think so, sir."
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Karkov thought quickly, realizing that out-and-out disobeying the order would
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lose his his dacha in Moscow, but nonetheless realizing that getting killed
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would lose him his dacha in Moscow. "Hmm... we will use our first wave forces
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to tactically analyze the enemy strength. Send an army in."
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"One army, sir?"
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"Don't want to overkill, do we? Yes, send one in. Send in Third Glorious
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Revolutionary 'Marxist Mongers.'"
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"Yes, sir."
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"Sirs, I have just received a report from the front line. It seems that we're
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being invaded."
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"What!? We aren't being invaded," cried General Grudger.
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"I'm sorry, sir, we are. By the Russians, sir."
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General Grudger had acquired his rank by virtue of his ability to obtain any
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pornographic magazine, no matter where he was stationed or how obscure the
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magazine. In addition, his ability to deny reality, despite all empirical
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evidence to the contrary, had helped him rise through the ranks.
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"No, we aren't."
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"Yes, really, we are, sir."
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General Grudger, noting that his tactics weren't working, decided to try a new
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tack. "Of course we're being invaded, damn it! I know that. Why do you think
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that I don't know that?"
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"Because you just said we weren't," said the Lieutenant increduously.
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"I don't want your smart-ass replies, Lieutenant! And say 'sir' if you do
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give smart-ass remarks."
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"As you wish, sir."
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"So you admit you give smart-ass remarks, do you?"
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"No, sir, I was just saying that if I ever do give a smart-ass remark, I will
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remember to say 'sir,' sir."
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"You just said it again, dammit, Lieutenant! Put yourself on record; I'm
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going to court martial you next week after the 'All-star General's Tennis
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Tournament.'"
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"Yes, sir. What about the invasion, sir?"
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"What invasion?"
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Kaprika Karnakov, the leader of the Fifth Glorious Revolutionary 'Marxist
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Mongers,' was dismayed to learn that he had to invade Western Europe. He was
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dismayed mainly because he had sold this month's allotment of gasoline to his
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foil in Stalingrad, who traded it for four hundred pairs of Calvin Klein jeans,
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which Kaprika then sold for a tidy sum to his troops, who used them as bribes to
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receive a good time during R&R in the Moscow "Glorious Party Revolutionary
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Recreation Centers."
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Accordingly, Kaprika advanced his troops approximately five miles, and then
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relied on that Georgian cunning which had stood him in such good stead in his
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capitalistic machinations. Calling Cherovankev, he had three of his soldiers
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make "booming" noises while he said: "Sir, we've hit major resistance by the
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imperialistic NATO forces! The situation is bleak! Strongly suggest that you
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do NOT, repeat NOT, send reinforcements, lest NATO cou nterattack with nuclear
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weapons! We will break through, cut off all communications, capture the nuclear
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weapons, and then report back to you! Long live the Glorious Party!"
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With that, Kaprika signed off, and wiped his forehead of sweat. Laying back,
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he resumed selling jeans to his troops.
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BIO OF A BACTERIUM:
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EatGrowReproduceMultiplyExpelEatGrowReproduceMultiplyExpel
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-E. Coli
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The Russian leader, seeing that the invasion was not working as well as
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planned, decided to authorize the unleashing of the bacteriological weapons.
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Deploying the bacteria in three cases of vodka that were then shipped to the
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United States, he sat back and waited, while the invasion of Western Europe
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continued to send back inconsequential reports.
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The bacterium was released, and swept through the nation. However, the
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bacterium, strangely enough, did not affect people that had partaken of potato
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chips, Twinkies, or Coca-cola, due to some strange chemicals that those products
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contained. Oddly, Pepsi did not contain those chemicals, which ended once and
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for all the Coca-cola/Pepsi wars, and eventually reduced Coca-cola's advertising
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budget by 60%.
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The United States Viral Department, realizing that America had been attacked,
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instantly retreated to their shelters, neglecting to inform the President of the
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attack in their haste. They released 'Virus Matilda,' named after the wife of
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the scientist who had created it. The virus, one of the prides of the Viral
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Department, was communicable through the air, in addition to being extremely
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contagious. It could survive for up to an hour on hostile surfaces, and killed
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98% of the rats that it tested was upon.
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The virus was placed in three cases of Coca-cola, which were then shipped to
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Russia. The virus was released, and it turned out that while it worked
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perfectly on rats, it didn't touch human beings, thus solving Russia's vermin
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problem for once and for all, as well as killing half of the high Communist
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Party leaders.
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[This has been part 1. Part 2 concludes this exciting saga.]
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[Copyright 1985 by Shadow Stories, Inc. All rights reserved. No portion of
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this text, either written or electronic, may be duplicated or copied without the
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express written consent of the author.]
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