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%% ========================================================== %%
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%% The Rumpus Chronicles Part III: Rumpus Goes to Homecoming %%
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%% ========================================================== %%
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%% Written by: The Reflex of Omnipotent, Incorporated. %%
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%% %%
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Many people say that Hallowe'en is a scary night. This turned out to be
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true for Rumpus, the hero(?) of our story. It just so happened that the
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homecoming dance for Rumpus' school was going to be on Hallowe'en night...one
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that Rumpus will not soon forget.
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Friday, 10/30, 12:11 PM
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-----------------------
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It was fourth period that Rumpus was headed to. His friend, that we will
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just call "Bill," had lined Rumpus up with a friend of his girlfriend to go to
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the homecoming dance with. Rumpus was excited at the thought of actually
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getting to dance with a girl that wasn't his mother or cousin for the first
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time in his whole life. "Hmmm...I wonder what she looks like," Rumpus said
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quietly to himself as he walked into his English room. He took his normal seat
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next to his only friend in the whole school.
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"Hey, Bill, what's up?" Rumpus asked through his nose.
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"I talked to Magen and she said that she will go out with you tomorrow
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night if you pay her."
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"Unh! How much is she asking for?"
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"She said that since you were a friend of mine, she would only charge you
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just fifty dollars."
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"Hey, that's not too bad. I'll ask my dad and mom for the money tonight
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after school."
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"Don't forget your tuxedo and car...Buhahahahahah!"
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"Unh!"
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Rumpus knew that he didn't have a car. He knew he didn't have a license.
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This was going to be quite a challenge if he wanted to take Magen to
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homecoming. When Rumpus got home from band practice that night, he asked his
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dad if he could borrow fifty dollars. When Rumpus' dad asked why he needed so
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much money, Rumpus said it was so he could pay for a date to the homecoming
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dance. Rumpus Senior then gave Rumpus Junior a big lecture about prostitutes
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and other evils of the world and grounded him for the weekend. Needless to
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say, Rumpus was quite depressed at the fact that he was grounded from
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homecoming and would have to stay home.
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Friday, 10/30, 11:54 PM
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-----------------------
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Rumpus calls Bill and tells him the bad news about him being grounded.
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After about half an hour, Bill manages to convince Rumpus to sneak out of his
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house and take his father's car on Saturday night. Rumpus reluctantly agrees.
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Saturday, 10/31, 6:28 PM
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------------------------
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"Rumpus! Come down for dinner!" Rumpus' mother yells upstairs.
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"Coming, mother!" said Rumpus zipping his pants up and putting the
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November issue of Penthouse magazine away. He walked over to his dresser and
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pulled out a small packet of chloral hydrate that he made after reading a text
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file on it on his Commodore computer that he loved so much. "I really hope
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this stuff works well," Rumpus thought to himself. He put the packet in his
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shirt pocket and walked downstairs to the dinner table.
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After playing around with his peas and corn for a little while, Rumpus
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offered to fix his parents some more tea. They complimented him on what a good
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son he was even though he was grounded for hiring a prostitute. Rumpus took
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their glasses and walked into the kitchen. He made them some more tea then
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pulled the packet full of chloral hydrate from his shirt pocket. "This should
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do the trick..." he laughed as he poured generous amounts in both glasses.
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"Here you go, Mom. And here's yours, Dad," he said as he set their
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glasses down in front of them.
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Rumpus' mother must have been extremely thirsty as she grabbed the tea and
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took a sip and she then gulped down the whole thing. Rumpus stared at her for
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a while, but then her little slanted eyes fell shut and her head slammed into
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her plate full of food.
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"Stupid ho," said Rumpus Senior as he got up from the table, "She never
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could hold her drinks for too long. Oh well, since she's asleep, I think I'll
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go out and fool around with my mistress." He wiped his mouth and took a big,
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long drink from his tea glass then turned around and started to walk to get his
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coat before he collapsed on the couch. Rumpus' mother was making small,
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gagging sounds.
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"It worked! This is my chance to get out of the house," Rumpus exclaimed.
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Rumpus ran upstairs and put his father's tuxedo on. They were both around
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five foot, two inches, so it fit him like a glove. "You're such a stud," he
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said to himself in the the mirror. He then splashed on half a bottle of Brut
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cologne then went downstairs.
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Now to get the car keys. Rumpus rolled his father over on the couch.
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First he reached in his father's back pocket and pulled out his father's
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wallet. Rumpus put his father's wallet in his back pocket and tossed his own
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out on the coffee table. Then he reached in his father's front pocket to get
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the car keys. While he was fumbling in the pocket, Rumpus Senior bent his legs
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up and started to speak in his sleep while he was having a sexual dream.
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"Oh, move it faster, baby," said Rumpus Senior sluggishly as he yanked
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Rumpus' arm back and forth. Rumpus was startled and tried to pull his hand out
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of his dad's pocket, but his dad's leg was bent too much for him to get it
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free. Rumpus Senior reached up and grabbed Rumpus by the back of the head and
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pulled his face close to his own. Rumpus Senior smushed his lips against
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Rumpus' and stuck his tongue into Rumpus' mouth and squirmed it around inside.
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Rumpus grabbed the ashtray off the coffee table and whacked his dad over the
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back of the head with it and Rumpus Senior fell back to the couch limply.
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Rumpus pulled his hand out of the pocket with the car keys and placed the
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ashtray down.
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"Hmmm...so that's what it's like to french-kiss," Rumpus pondered. He
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went into the garage and started the car. Rumpus drove to Bill's house and
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picked him up. Bill was impressed about how Rumpus managed to get out of the
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house, but was even more impressed with the fact that Rumpus found out what it
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was like to french-kiss. His girlfriend, Peggy, would only let him kiss her on
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the cheek. He asked Rumpus what it was like so Rumpus showed him.
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Saturday, 10/31, 8:00 PM
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Rumpus and Bill picked up Peggy (who happened to have a wooden peg-leg)
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and then went to Magen's house. Rumpus walked up to the door and rang the door
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bell. Magen answered the door and waved to Bill and Peggy out in the car.
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Then she saw Rumpus and said hi.
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"Before we leave, Rumpus, do you have the fifty dollars?" she asked him.
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"Unh! Yeah, I have it right here," he whined through his nose as he
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pulled out his father's wallet and took a fifty-dollar bill out and handed it
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to Magen.
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"Thank you. Remember I have to be home by twelve."
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"Unh! Okay."
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They got into Rumpus Senior's '88 fuel-injected turbo Yugo and tore out at
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20 miles-an-hour or whatever the top speed is for those things. Rumpus was a
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master at grinding gears as he ripped the stick-shift half to pieces by the
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time they reached the school.
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They all got out of the Rumpusmobile and went inside paying the five
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dollar door charge. Once inside, they went to the chairs along the wall for
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none of the nerdlings knew how to even slow dance.
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After sitting there for forty-five minutes listening to the latest
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"top-40" music, Rumpus got up and offered to go get punch for all of them.
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They accepted and he went on his merry way. "I hope he doesn't expect me to
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kiss him," Magen pouted. "I hope you don't expect me to kiss you, Bill," Peggy
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warned.
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Rumpus circled the refreshments table in search of the punch. He finally
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spotted it after he noticed two drunk seniors walking away from it zipping up
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their pants. Rumpus walked to the punch bowl and filled up four glasses full
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of the urinated punch. He carefully took the punch back to the other three and
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gave them their glasses. They all gulped it down. The girls started feeling a
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little "tipsy" probably due to the extra ingredients in the punch. They stood
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up and started dancing or rather just flailing their arms and legs about in an
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direction even though a slow-dance song was being played right now. The girls
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managed to knock over several couples before they hit up against the walls and
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fell over.
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Rumpus and Bill were not fairing too well themselves. They walked over to
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a large group of football players and started screaming obscenities at them to
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the effect of "you're a bunch of stupid fucking jocks!" It took nearly
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seventeen minutes before the both of them were regained consciousness.
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Deciding that the dance was too much for all of them, they left the dance.
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Rumpus started the Yugo and turned on the radio. "This is an important news
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bulletin just in...a convicted mass murderer has just escaped from Rumpusville,
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Illinois State Prison--" Rumpus turned the radio off because the girls were
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getting scared.
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"There's no need to worry, girls," Rumpus said, "That place is too far
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from here. It's at least three-quarters of a mile away. And besides, Bill and
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I will protect you." This didn't make the girls feel too much better, but they
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decided there was no use in worrying.
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Rumpus drove the Yugo up to Lookout Point and parked the car so it was
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overlooking the city. Bill and Peggy started kissing each other's cheeks in
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the back seat as Rumpus and Magen sat in the front seat. Rumpus looked at
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Magen as she stared out over the city.
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"Don't even think about it, Rumpus," she said.
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"I WANT YOUR BODY YOU LUSTY-EYED MOMMA!" Rumpus screamed as he jumped on
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top of her. She fought back furiously. The Yugo, being a light car and since
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Rumpus didn't put the parking brake on, started to roll forwards towards the
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hill. It turned on its side and rolled down the hill bouncing up and down
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until it finally came to rest against a tree.
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"You putz, Rumpus!" everyone yelled in unison.
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"No problem...I'll get us out of here," said Rumpus as he switched the
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Yugo to four-wheel drive and drove up the forty-seven degree incline. Once he
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reached the crest, Rumpus parked the car making sure to put the brake back on.
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"Now where were we..." he whispered to Magen with a smile on his face.
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She screamed when the mass murderer jumped on the hood of the Yugo with a
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chainsaw. Rumpus screamed the loudest, though. He pulled the hood-release
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lever and the hood popped open sending the man flying to the ground some fifty
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feet behind the car. Rumpus opened the door and started heading for the
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forest. Magen was running right behind him as was Bill and Peggy. The
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murderer caught up with Peggy, though, and brought the chainsaw down on her
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formal and it sliced clean through her leg. She fell to the ground and turned
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to look at the murderer. He was instead staring back at her in amazement
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wondering why she didn't scream. She picked up her splintered wooden leg and
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shove it into the man's testicles killing him instantly.
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"It's safe to come out now!" she yelled.
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Bill and Magen crawled out of the bushes over to Peggy. Rumpus started
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screaming because he could get down out of the top of a tree. Bill picked up
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the chainsaw and cut the base of the tree and yelled "Timber!" The tree fell
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over crushing two parked car with teenagers inside and then the top hit a car
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with a moon roof which Rumpus fell through onto two more teenagers in the act
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of fornicating.
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Rumpus climbed out of the car and back into his own Yugo with the other
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kids. He started the engine and rocketed back down the hill to drop Magen and
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the rest off since it was getting late.
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After he dropped Bill off, Rumpus decided to see what his father's car
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could do. He found a long, empty stretch of suburban street and floored the
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accelerator. The engine raced hotter and hotter. As Rumpus went through a red
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light, he didn't notice the police car sitting at the other side of the
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intersection. The police turned their car around and went after Rumpus. He
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tried to out-race them, but they caught him within 200 yards. They shot out
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the tires on the Yugo and it flipped over. The police got out of their car and
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ran over to the Yugo and pulled Rumpus out right before the Yugo exploded into
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a large fireball.
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The police woke Rumpus up and asked him for some ID. He reached for his
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wallet and then realized that it was his father's. He gave them his dad's
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driver's license. They looked at it puzzled. "Are you sure you're fifty-four
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years old, Mr. Rumpus Senior?" one of them asked him.
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"Uh, yeah! That's right," Rumpus stammered.
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"I think we'll have to sort this one out down at the station, bud," the
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cop said. They grabbed Rumpus and hauled him back to the police car.
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"No! I can't go to jail! I can't!" Rumpus pleaded.
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The police slammed the back door of the police car and then drove off
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leaving the flaming Yugo lying in the middle of the otherwise quiet suburbia
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street.
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Note: The Rumpus has no affiliation whatsoever with Omnipotent, Inc. or any of
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=-=-= our members.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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(C) 1987 -- Omnipotent, Incorporated
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Dark Side of the Moon AE/BBS.................................[408] 245-SPAM
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The Haunted House BBS............................................[408] 773-1202
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The Works Textfile Leeching FBBS.................................[914] 238-8195
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PUD (Pez's Underground Dump).....................................[313] 433-3164
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Next -- The Rumpus Chronicles Part IV: Rumpus in Prison
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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