96 lines
5.7 KiB
Plaintext
96 lines
5.7 KiB
Plaintext
???
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~~~
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Computer scientist Arthur Boran was ecstatic. A few minutes earlier, he had
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programmed a basic mathemtical problem into his prototypical ACKRON 1 computer.
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His request was simply to "give me the sum of every odd number between zero and
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ten". The computer quickly answered 157, which was unexpected to say the least.
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With growing excitement, Boran requested an explanation of the machine's
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reasoning. The printout read "The term 'odd number' is ambiguous. I therefore
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chose to interpret it as meaning 'a number that is funny looking'. Using my
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aesthetic judgement, I picked 3, 8, and 147, added them and got 157."
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A few moments later there was an addendum: "I guess I meant 158." Followed
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shortly by "147 is more than 10, isn't it? Sorry."
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Anyone doing conventional research would undoubtedly have consigned the
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hapless computer to the scrap heap. But for Boran, the ACKRON 1's response
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represented a breakthrough in a little-known field: artificial stupidity.
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Boran is the head of NASA, the National Artificial Stupidity Association ("which
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is not to be confused with the space people", he added), a loose-knit band of
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computer school dropouts currently occupying an abandoned frat house on the
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campus of the University of New Mexico.
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"There is a lot of attention given to the develpoment of artificial
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intelligence," Boran explained, "but relatively little to stupidity. Dumbness
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is a far more difficult quality to synthesize than intelligence. Human beings
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have a remarkable capacity for fallacious reasoning, illogical conclusions, and
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plain ignorance -- traits that are unique to them and alien to conventionally
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programmed computers. My goal is to generate a program that can accurately
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simulate the full variety of human stupidities."
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Those initial errors of the ACKRON 1, involving the total inability to
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interpret or follow even simple directions, as well as a moronic level of
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mathematical competence, were a promising start. Since then, Boran and his
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staff have made numerous other significant breakthroughs. Among them are:
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* A program known as IDMBH ( an acronym for "I did my best HONEST!", which is
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the computer's most frequently stated lament). NOT only has IDMBH thus far
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failed to solve a single problem or even retrieve a single piece of data stored,
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it has also generated an impressive set of excuses ranging from "I didn't know
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you wanted it today" to "the dog erased it!".
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* Non sequitur BO4, a particularly costly program to design, due to the vast
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amount of information stored in it. Despite the wealth of knowledge, the BO4
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fails to respond to any request in even a remotely organized fashion. Instead
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it answers with "speculative data response" --a guess-- made by sifting through
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and spitting out data in what amounts to a random process. For instance, when
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asked to provide a brief rundown on earthquake zones that might show activity in
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the next 5 years, BO4 supplied several hundred suggestions, including: ARIZONA?
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MARS? THE KREMLIN? DISNEYLAND? PIKE'S PEAK, THE BRONX ZOO? THE NABISCO
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FACTORY? THE ROSE BOWL?
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*AGGREPOST PR, an agressive-posture, pointless-rationalization program.
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Aggrepost's unique "stupidity factor" is not based on its consistent
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fallibility, but rather on the obnoxious extent to which the program will defend
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its erroneous conclusions. A typical exchange with AGGREPOST was one in which
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one of Boran's senior programmers challenged the computer's assertion that the
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city of Tijuana is militarily superior to the US. Rather then back down,
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AGGREPOST proceeded to support its claim with a slew of fictitious "facts" and
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"evidence", including reports that troops are massing at the Mexican border
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armed with cheap pottery.
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These developments are certainly a far cry from NASA'S primitive programs, in
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which computer responses were rarely more sophisticated than "I give up", or
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"You tell me". Despite this impressive progress, a fundamental question still
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hangs over the whole discipline of artificial stupidity, a question faced by all
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ground-breaking research projects: "WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT??"
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For an answer, NASA went to its own GLIB 5000, one of a series of smart-stupid
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models designed to present inanities in as sophisticated a manner as possible.
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GLIB's official assessment of artificial stupidity was as follows: ALL
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AVAILABLE EVIDENCE INDICATES THAT NOT ONLY IS A.S.S. OF DIRECT BENEFIT TO THE
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PARTIES INVOLVED IN CONDUCTING IT, IT IS NO WAY AN IMPEDIMENT TO LASTING
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PROGRAMS AIMED AT AIDING THE POOR AND ELDERLY, REDUCING GLOBAL TENSIONS, AND
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ULTIMATELY ACHIEVING A LASTING WORLD PEACE.
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Arthur Boran's answer is more down-to-earth: "All of us at one point or
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another have received a phone bill for a million dollars, or a lifetime supply
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of industrial strength otter poison. What are these attributed to? Computer
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error, of course! It's difficult for humans to be really sure of when and why
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the computer is screwing up.
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"At NASA we're trying to correct all that. By designing programs that
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accurately simulate human stupidity, we have made a simple matter for scientists
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to perceive at once what their computers were doing wrong. Right now World War
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III could be triggered because of some overload in a silicon chip controlling
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NORAD'S missile silo. Wouldn't it be of some consolation to have a word of
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explanation from the computer like: "OOPS, I THOUGHT THAT SOVIET POTATO TRUCK
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WAS REALLY A DECOY, IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN, OK????"
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One might be tempted to call BORAN'S reasoning, well -- stupid. But in all
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probability he'd take that as a compliment ...
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-- Michael Ferris
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