232 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
232 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
**********************************************************************
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* The Complete Commie Haters Handbook - Version 1.1 *
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* Typed by *}=--> The Cracksman <--={* *
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* Ideas by The Cracksman, Master Blaster, and *
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* 05/31/86 12:49 p.m. EST BitMan *
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**********************************************************************
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In the Beginning, there were the good, dependable computers owned and
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operated by the true hackers. Long forgotten names swim in our minds, names of
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dependability such as Altair, SOL, NorthStar, Dec, and the original Apple I and
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II's.
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Then somebody got the clever idea of making small computers cheaply for the
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mass crowd, with insides that looked like spaghetti, and had the power of
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spaghetti, too.
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And then the shit hit the fan...
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Everybody ran out to buy the small, dopey machines slod out of small, dopey
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K-Mart stores. Company heads that made computers with names like Commodore,
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Atari, Sinclair, Omnius, Star and the formidable Aquarius fell all over
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themselves and laughed at the hackers all the way to the bank.
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What made the average person not buy a good computer like the Apple?
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Two reasons: 1) The sales pitch
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and
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2) The price
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The sales pitch was the key instrument in nabbing unsuspecting idiots. At
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the time not many people other than hackers knew what they were talking about
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in terms of performance. The companies seized the situation and brainwashed
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the poor average fool.
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Here's a typical T.V. ad for a typical toy computer: (It starts off with
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the computer's theme song blaring at the watcher.)
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(Now, how much bullshit can you find in this ad?)
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An array of lights dazzle around a sheet-draped box in the middle of a dark
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screen...
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"And now presennting the NEW, POWERFUL, AFFORDABLE xxxxxxxxx computer!"
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The sheet is pulled off, revealing a small kitty-litter box with keys.
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"A computer that outperforms anything in its price range-"
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Computer buyer's law #1: You get what you pay for....
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"With lots of extra features you won't find anywhere else..."
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Computer buyer's law #2: A dog tird with frosting on it is still a dog
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tird....
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"Many applications software to choose from...and the list keeps growing!"
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(That means that they have 10 programs today, and in the following months
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they upgrade that to an exciting 14. Also, notice how they call everything by
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a weird name for appeal: A program is 'applications software', a cassette
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drive is a 'digital data cassette driver', a cassette with a program on it a
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'high-speed digital data program pak' [and the list GOES on...])
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Then the screen splits into around 10 mini-screens, and ALL the GREAT things
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you can do with your xxxxxxxxx are shown. Things to note while watching this
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part:
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-The word processing program has a marvelous 14 character-width screen.
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-You never see an operator going out to lunch while the damn thing loads some
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shitty program.
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-The buad rate for the 'Modulator/Demodulator Expansion Pak' is 34 maximum.
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-Every piece of program shown is designed strictly for the type who put
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square pegs in round holes. The virtues of 'StickyBear ABC's' are explored
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in depth.
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-Never do they show an operator flipping through a ten-pound manual titled
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"How to type in Lower Case".
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The announcer (who sounds like he's talking through a saltine box) announces
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the specs of the graphics and sound capabilities. He just comes short of
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leaping out of the TV at you.
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"All the memory of a much Much MUCH more expensive machine: 64k!"
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(All fine and good, but after you make allowances for the graphics, sound and
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Basic interpreter, you have a great Great GREAT 2k to work with.)
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"And you can now take this home for only $29.95"
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Computer buyer's law #3: Any computer that costs less than $800
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needs at least $2000 to expand it to the
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capabilities of a $1000 machine....
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The people designing plastic computers have a motto, which reads:
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S C R E W T H E C U S T O M E R S
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Here's proof:
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Ever try to plug in a standard cassette deck into a commodore? No go. Dear
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commie Inc. decided the only good way to save programs was with their recorder
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(wooops! Sorry, 'Digital Data Cassete Driver").
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Ever try to use a standard cassette tape (whoops! There I go again!
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'High-Speed Digital Data Program Pak") on an Adam? (Whose printer, by the way,
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delivers a truly awesome 2 c.p.s.) No go for that, either. Coleco Inc. only
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supports cassetts made by Coleco Inc. The performance may be high, but the
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price is enourmous.
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Little (but well-deserved) Nasties
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----------------------------------
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1) Any computer lighter than its weight in styrofoam should be outlawed.
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2) "Mom, could you pick me up a pack of gum, a pack of razors, and a six-pack
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of commodores?"
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3) One K-Mart employee to another: "Gee, I wish these kids would throw away
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things when they're donewith them. Just today on aisle 4 I found a
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slurpy, a popcorn box, and a commie."
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4) You are a terminal Commodore user if you call Kiddie City your local
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computer store.
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5) Aquarius? What type of name is that for a computer? I keep expecting to
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see a tropical fish float by on the monitor.
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6) During an arqument with an Aquarius user: "With price I get Quality and
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Performance, when I turn on my Apple I get a solid feeling of a job well
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done. What happens when you turn on your computer? Does a gumball roll
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out?"
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7) Adam users are a lot like their computers: Without a Basic cartridge you
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get no performance. Without a brain you get nothing either.
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8) Dear Uncle Commie, (A wwekly feature in a C-64 mag.)
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What's the quickest way to get a program into my computer?
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CONFUSED
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Dear Confused,
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Turn on your computer, type NEW and then...
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Dear Uncle Commie,
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How do I type in lower case?
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TROUBLED
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Dear Troubled,
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Get yourself an Apple.
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Dear Uncle Commie,
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What's the term for when your C64 doesn't work?
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PUZZLED
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Dear Puzzled,
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"Good"
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9) Famous Quote: "A commodore with a 10 Meg drive is like a Matchbox car
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with a V-8 engine!"
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10) One kid at one school talking to another kid at a different school: "Did
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you know that the basic chef classes use commies to learn how spaghetti
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is used in automation!"
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11) One kid to another kid: "I need something that looks like a computer and
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will fit on my robot costume so that kids will think that I look like a
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REAL robot on halloween" Other kid: "(Pulling out of his trash bin)
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Here, use my commie I got for my birthday yesterday"
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12) Poem: Bobby was as smart as can be,
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he bought an Apple //e.
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Ben wasn't smart,
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he went to K-mart,
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and bought a Commie for $9.93!
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13) A Commie user experience: "Now, all you have to do is type POKE
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-17543172,0 and you have lowercase. (Other
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person typing)...O.k....Wait! No! I meant
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PEEK -32915,6,92135! God, why can't we have
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a caps lock!?!"
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14) (Driving down the road): An experience w/a student driver and instructor:
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Instructor: O.k., now watch out for that dog! Good, now take a left...
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Good! Now watch out for that cat...Very good...Wait! There's a dog with
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Commie on its back! Slow down! I said stop (Now at 60 m.p.h.)!!!
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THUD!!!!!
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Driver: Hee..Hee!!!
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Instructor: Well, I guess by dog was seeing to much of that Commie lately.
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15) Jim: "Hey Bill, here's a new cartidge I got that works on the C64! Let's
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try it!"
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Bill: "Naw, we can't. My modem takes up the cartridge cassete data super
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Hi-Res reading device right now."
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Jim: "Take it out!"
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Bill: "It's still downloading 'Stickybear ABC's' ever since two weeks ago.
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I can only use 110 baud. Wish I could use ASCII express!"
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16) Mommy: "Bennie dear! Let's go shopping now!"
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Bennie: "AAww MA!"
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Mommy: "NOW!"
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Bennie: "Alright...Hey! I have a good idea! Let me load this program,
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and when we get back it'll be loaded!!!"
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Mommy: "Oh, what a woderful machine that Commie is! O.k. now let's go
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to K-mart, the place you got the Commie! Maybe we'll find a good
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price on that program, 'Stickybear ABC's' that you couldn't
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download!!! (Whack! Whack! Whack!)"
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17) Math teacher to student: "Hey Jimmy, can I use your calculator. My Commie
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busted last night!"
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18) Vistor: "Hey, can I wipe my feet on somethinng before I go into the house.
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My feet are all muddy."
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Host: "Sure, use the doormat."
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Visitor: "But, there's a Commie there!"
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Host: "I know. The keys are great for picking up dirt!"
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19) A COMMIE STORY
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Other kids: "Hey Geek! Did you get our homework done!?!"
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Commie Geek: "No, but I got a Commie yesterday and I will have your term
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papers done tommorrow! Typed!"
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Other kids: "Well, I don't think we can put up with this. We're gonna
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hafta stuff you in a locker or sumthin'!"
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Commie Geek: "NOOO! Please No! AAAAAhhhhhh!!"
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Epilogue: The geek never got the term papers typed. His disk drive (Oops!
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Digital Data Cassette Driver) overheated while playing an adventure game
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and couldn't load his crappy 20 column display word processor. Since the
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DDCD (Abreviated from now on, Please!) melted the disk, the drive wasn't
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fixed. The next day the kids united against this Commie Geek and took his
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Commie and open it (A task in itself!) and eat the spaghetti wiring. To this
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day, the Commie Geek hasn't been seen, but rumors have it that he went to
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Commie America to get a job...
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THE END
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I think that we have made our point NOW about the stuidly funny C64! And,
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for the last saying for this file: "When in doubt, by an Apple!"
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CALL
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----
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The Terrapin Station @ (505)-865-0883 Password: CICADA
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The Pitstop AE @ (504)-774-7126 Individual Password 10 megs!
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The DeTac AE @ (617)-458-2934 Password: RUSH
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Typed by: *}=--> THE CRACKSMAN <--={* 5/31/86
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Ideas by: The Cracksman, Master Blaster,
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and BitMan 12:49 p.m. EST
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Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
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