185 lines
9.5 KiB
Plaintext
185 lines
9.5 KiB
Plaintext
Anatomy of a C64 user - a SysOp's guide to Commodore users.
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Electrik Kool Aid - April 1990
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As a SysOp, I've grown to find a special dislike for people that use
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Commodore computers. This is not a prejudice against the decent
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people (very rare) who through either lack of cash or ignorance (Gee
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Honey, lets buy Junior a computer so he has a future. K-mart has them
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on sale...) purchased this mass-marketed wonder, but a firm
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disenchanment with the majority who also purchased a auto-dial modem
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for it.
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In the early days of home computers when everyone was limited to 16k
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and cassette drives, the typical computer nut was an intelligent,
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resourceful "hacker" who wasn't content to sit and play Pong - s/he
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pushed the limits of his/her hardware to see what it could do. With
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the advent of modems these people found an avenue to share their
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knowledge and programs with one another, no matter how isolated s/he
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was from other hackers.
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Today's entry-level users are a breed apart. The C64 seems to attract
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stupid, belligerent children who can not form complete sentences. Just
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like CB radios, once the price-point was reached where everyone could
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afford a modem, the trash infiltrated swiftly. As a sysop, it is in your
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best interest to be able to identify these people before they become a
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threat to your sanity.
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EARLY WARNING SIGNALS
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The first warning sign is when someone types "NEW". If this is followed
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shortly by a handle containing the words "Captain", "Pirate" or "Master"
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you should go to low-level alert. If the handle is the name of a TV
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wrestling hero, the name of a Star Trek character, a current political
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figure, or a "macho" movie character ("Rambo") you should immediatly
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assume a defensive posture. If the call was made at 300 baud, prepare
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for sysop-disconnect.
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The third warning sign comes when your BBS requests a phone number from
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the caller. One of two scenarios arise: 1> the phone number is entered
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without an area code and rejected by the BBS two or three times. 2> For
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some reason, people who do not know how to punctuate or type in anything
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other than caps seem to know every telephone company "test" number in
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existance. (Always keep a list of these numbers handy by your monitor)
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If you have not already assumed low-level alert, do so now.
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If your system supports 40 column displays, and the user selects this
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option, you should go to high-level alert.
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If your system requires new users to fill out a questionare or leave a
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message to the sysop, your last early warning sign is when he A> enters
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an age greater than 60, B> puts anything to do with Dungeons and Dragons
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for the "occupation", C> puts a career you know pays greater than $40k/yr
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for "occupation", D> has extensive trouble with the editor or E> types a
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message in all caps that contains the words k00l, warez, welp, l8tr, or
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"yo!". These are high-level warnings and defensive maneuvers should be
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initiated.
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* MAIN MENU WARNINGS
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There are several tip-offs to a Commodore user who by chance may have
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passed through all the previous areas unscathed.
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If your new user immediatly attempts to access the files, and/or you
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run a non-standard BBS (E.G. WWIV) and the user whacks the "F" or "D"
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key over and over (maybe the BBS will get the idea?) be prepared for
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phase two:
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The user will attempt to CHAT. If this occurs in less than 2 minutes
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from logon, you should avoid answering the call. If you do, you will
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experience the typical "Commie-CHAT-assault".
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"YO DUDE! WHERES THE FILEZ?"
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"What do you mean?"
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"I'VE GOT ALL THE LATEST WAREZ!!!!!!!!!!!" <-- note his sincerity
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"I'm sorry, I don't have any C64 downloads, try BBS X."
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At this juncture if the person doesn't drop carrier, my condolences.
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"OH. WELP, PUT THE SYSOP ON. MAYBE HE COULD MAKE A C64 AREA."
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"I am the SysOp."
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"OH. WELP. A) COULD YOU MAKE A FILEZ AREA?"
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B) WILL ZIP RUN ON THE COMMIE?"
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C) GOT ANY CODEZ?"
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D) WANNA BUY A C64 DISK DRIVE?"
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E) COULD I HAVE ELITE ACCESS?"
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F) HOW DO YOU DO ANSI?"
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G) CAN I BE A CO-SYSOP?"
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H) GOT ANY GIFS TO TRADE?"
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I) WHATS YOUR REAL NAME / VOICE NUMBER?"
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* THE OVERALL CLUES
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There are several methods to detect a Commodore user, even if he isn't
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as overtly annoying as the above examples:
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1> A C64 user never reads messages.
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2> A C64 user may post messages about the k00l BBS he runs from 10pm
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till 10am. CALL NOW DUDEZ!!!!!!!!!!
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3> A C64 user will download a 270k IBM-only file at 300 baud.
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4> A C64 user will never log off correctly. Dropping carrier is as
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natural to him as using serial ports for disk I/O.
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5> A C64 user will set off the chat call every time he logs on. If by
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chance your BBS software limits the hours this will happen, he will
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repeatadly attempt to CHAT anyway.
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6> A C64 user will batch download every X-rated image file you have.
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7> A C64 user will try every SysOp-only function he happens to know of.
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8> A C64 user will use every slang term describing female anatomy at
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least three or four times per logon.
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9> A C64 user will ask if anyone has hardware for sale (I.E. 9600 baud
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modem, C64 hard disk, laser printer, etc.) for "like 60 bucks?????"
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10> A C64 user's vocabulary is centered around the word "sucks".
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11> A C64 user will play Tradewars, attack everyone in sight, and kill
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himself so he can start over with a new ship the next day.
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12> A C64 user does not comprehend on-line help. Phrases like "Press a
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key to continue", "Type ? for menu", and "Enter your REAL name" are
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totally beyond his comprehension.
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13> A C64 user does not read SysOp announcments, prefering to get the
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same information via the CHAT call.
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14> A C64 user has a "signature" comprised of between 7 and 30 lines.
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15> A C64 user trys to maintain at least 5 active accounts on every BBS.
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This allows him to send mail to himself and perform more destruction
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in Tradewars.
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16> A C64 user will never log on at 9600+ baud and rarely at 2400.
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17> A C64 user may often log on and pretend he is female. He will then
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lewdly "flirt" with other users and use the word "homo" as a verb.
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18> A C64 user prefers to call 5 or 6 times in a row, logon, and hang up.
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19> A C64 user will never use the words "Thank" and "You" in the same
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sentance. Likewise, if your system happens to be down for any reason,
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he will complain about it the next time he gets through.
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* THE FINAL SOLUTION
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One of the easiest ways to avoid being pestered by these people is to
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configure your BBS to read the "300 baud" modem result code as meaning
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"No Carrier". This way 300 baud callers can not logon. This has the
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pleasant effect of removing 70% of your user problems, C64 or not. In
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today's market with 1200 baud modems costing 50 bucks or less and 2400
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baud modems running around the $100 mark, anyone who calls in with 300
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baud is most likely going to be annoying no matter what they run.
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If you can not configure your BBS to lock out 300 baud callers you should
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attempt to make sure every menu on your system looks terrible when viewed
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in 40 columns. A nice touch is to add a carriage return code (no line
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feed) 100 or more times after each menu. 1200+ baud callers and most of
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the people using other computers besides IBM-compatibles (Apple, Mac,
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Amiga, etc.) will likely never notice them, but C64 users will quickly
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tire of watching their screen scroll for 30 seconds every time they press
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a key.
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If by chance you have quality callers who would be adversley affected by
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the above "enhancments", you can of course begin the never-ending game of
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deleting the same person over and over. Once your C64 user determines
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that you don't want him around, he and his C64 user's group will make
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your life miserable. Don't worry - you'll never win, they have more years
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left to live.
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* CREDITS
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This SysOp guide to Commodore users is the fruit of pent-up fustration at
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seeing young, and probably otherwise bright minds completely abandon their
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manners when they get around a modem [HERE KID, HAVE SOME DRUGS INSTEAD].
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I assume the ideal C64 BBS would immediatly begin downloading video games
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at logon and eliminate the trivial things like message bases and solid
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conversation. It sure may be elitist of me, I think the proper use of
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the English language (or even the USE of it) should be a skill mastered
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long before a child makes it to Junior High School.
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Though I suppose there is some solace to be taken that these brats aren't
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out stealing my hubcaps or egging my house, I grieve for the future when
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I pause to reflect upon the next generation's "leadership" potential. If
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our current leaders have ethics problems, what will the new crop of adult
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citizens be like when software and telephone piracy is fast replacing
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Tonka trucks and Barbie dolls? Can someone who made super-bonus round by
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wasting evil villians all his childhood ever be considered stable in the
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future? These are social questions with implications greater than just
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a pissed-off SysOp...
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As with any attack against any given group of people, it is not meant to
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brand those who have a particular brand of computer as somehow sub-human.
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I'm sure there are many people who run these machines who are decent and
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enjoyable callers. I doubt it though.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Not bad, is it? Charlie Lear found the file, and posted it on a Fidonet
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Echo somewhere.... I couldn't resist it, and I'm an ex-Commodore user..! |