123 lines
6.7 KiB
Plaintext
123 lines
6.7 KiB
Plaintext
[By J. Shrager, reprinted from the CMU opinion board via the
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SU-SCORE bboard.]
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Ever dreamed of flaming with the Big Boys? ... Had that desire to write an
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immense diatribe, berating de facto all your peers who hold contrary
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opinions? ... Felt the urge to have your fingers moving without being
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connected to your brain? Well, by simply sending in the form on the back
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of this bboard post, you could begin climbing into your pulpit alongside
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greats from all walks of life such as Chomsky, Weizenbaum, Reagan, Von
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Danneken, Ellison, Abzug, Arafat and many many more. You don't even have to
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leave the comfort of your armchair!
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Here's how it works: Each week we send you a new lesson. You read the
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notes and then simply write one essay each week on the assigned topic. Your
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essays will be read by our expert pool of professional flamers and graded on
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Sparsity, Style, Overtness, Incoherence, and a host of other important
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aspects. You will receive a long letter from your specially selected
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advisor indicating in great detail why you obviously have the intellectual
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depth of a soap dish. This apprenticeship is all there is to it.
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Here are some examples of the courses offered by The School:
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Classical Flames: You will study the flamers who started it all.
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For example, Descarte's much quoted demonstration that reality isn't.
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Special attention is paid, in this course, to the old and new testaments and
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how western flaming was influenced by their structure. (The Bible plays a
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particularly important role in our program and most courses will spend at
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least some time tracing biblical origins or associations of their special
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topic. See, particularly, the special seminar on Space Cadetism, which
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concentrate on ESP and UFO phenomena.)
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Contemporary Flame Technique: Attention is paid to the detail of
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flame form in this course. The student will practice the subtle and overt ad
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hominem argument; fact avoidance maneuvers; "at length" writing style; over
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generalization; and other important factor which make the modern flame
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inaccessible to the general populace. Readings from Russell ("Now I will
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admit that some unusually stupid children of ten may find this material a
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bit difficult to fathom..."), Skinner (primarily concentrating on his Verbal
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Learning), Sagan (on abstract overestimation) and many others. This course
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is most concerned with politicians (sometimes, redundantly, referred to as
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"political flamers") since their speech writers are particularly adept at
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the technique that we wish to foster.
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Appearing Brilliant (thanks to the Harvard Lampoon): Nobel laureates
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lecture on topics of world important but which are very much outside their
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field of expertise. There is a large representation of Nobels in physics:
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the discoverer of the UnCharmed Pi Mesa Beta Quark explains how the
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population explosion can be averted through proper reculterization of
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mothers; and professor Nikervator, first person to properly develop the
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theory of faster-than-sound "Whizon" docking choreography, tells us how mind
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is the sole theological entity.
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Special seminar in terminology: The name that you give something is
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clearly more important than its semantics. Experts in nomenclature
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demonstrate their skills. Pulitzer Prize winner Douglas Hofstadter makes up
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15,000 new words whose definitions, when read sideways prove the existence
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of themselves and constitute fifteen months of columns in Scientific
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American. A special round table of drug company and computer corporation
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representatives discuss how to construct catchy names for new products and
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never give the slightest hint to the public about what they mean.
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Writing the Scientific Journal Flame: Our graduates will be able to
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compete in the modern world of academic and industrial research flaming,
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where the call is high for trained pontificators. The student reads short
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sections from several fields and then may select a field of concentration
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for detailed study.
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Here is an example description of a detailed scientific flaming seminar:
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Computer Science: This very new field deals directly with the very
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metal of the flamer's tools: information and communication. The student
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selecting computer science will study several areas including, but not
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exclusively:
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Artificial Intelligence: Roger Schank explains the design of his
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flame understanding and generation engine (RUSHIN) and will
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explain how the techniques that it employs constitute a complete
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model of mind, brain, intelligence, and quantum electrodynamics.
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For contrast, Marvin Minsky does the same. Weizenbaum tells us,
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with absolutely no data or alternative model, why AI is logically
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impossible, and moreover, immoral.
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Programming Languages: A round table is held between Wirth, Hoare,
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Dijkstra, Iverson, Perlis, and Jean Samett, in order to keep them
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from killing each other.
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Machines and systems: Fred Brooks and Gordon Bell lead a field of
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experts over the visual cliff of hardware considerations.
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The list of authoratative lectures goes on and on. In addition, an
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inspiring introduction by Feigenbaum explains how important it is that flame
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superiority be maintained by the United States in the face of the recent
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challenges from Namibia and the Panama Canal Zone.
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But there's more. Not only will you read famous flamers in abundance,
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but you will actually have the opportunity to "run with the pack".
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The Famous Flamer's School has arranged to provide access for all computer
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science track students, to the famous ARPANet where students will be able to
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actually participate in discussions of earthshaking current importance, along
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with the other brilliant young flamers using this nationwide resource.
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You'll read and write about whether keyboards should have a space bar across
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the whole bottom or split under the thumbs; whether or not Emacs is God, and
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which deity is the one true editor; whether the brain actually cools the
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body or not; whether the earth revolves around the sun or vice versa -- and
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much more. Your contributions will be whisked across the nation, faster
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than throwing a 2400 foot magtape across the room, into the minds of
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thousands of other electrolusers whose brain cells will merge with yours for
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the moment that thy read your personal opinion of matters of true science!
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What importance!
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We believe that the program we've constructed is very special and will
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provide, for the motivated student, an atmosphere almost completely content
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free in which his or her ideas can flow in vacuity. So, take the moment to
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indicate your name, address, age, and hat size by filling out the rear of
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this post and mailing it to:
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FAMOUS FLAMER'S SCHOOL
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c/o Locker number 6E
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Grand Central Station North
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New York, NY.
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Act now or forever hold your peace.
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