148 lines
5.8 KiB
Plaintext
148 lines
5.8 KiB
Plaintext
LANGUAGES TO LOOK OUT FOR
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Courtesy of an informed source-
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APL, BASIC, COBOL, FORTRAN, PASCAL, RPG ...These programming
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languages are well known and (more or less) loved throughout
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the computer industry. There are numerous other languages,
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however, that are less well-known yet still have ardent
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devotees. In fact, these little known languages generally
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have the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know
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more about these obscure languages --- and why they are
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obscure --- we present the following catalogue.
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C-
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This language was named for the grade received by its creator
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when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate
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programming class. C- is best described as a "low level"
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programming language. In general, the language requires more
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C- statements than machine code instructions to execute a
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given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
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DOGO
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Developed at MIOT (Massachusetts Institute of Obedience
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Training). DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets.
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DOGO commands include SIT, HEEL, STAY, PLAY-DEAD, and
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ROLLOVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy graphics",
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a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves deposits as
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it travels across the screen.
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FIFTH
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FIFTH is a precise mathematical language in which the data
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types refer to quantities. The data types range from CC,
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OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER, to FIFTH (hence the name of the
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language), LITER, MAGNUM, and BLOTTO. Commands refer to
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ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN,
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VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, CANADIAN, COORS, BUD,
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EVERCLEAR, AND WHAT-EVERS-AROUND.
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The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the
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sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands
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in the ELITE dialect include VSOP, LAFITE, and
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WAITERS-RECOMMENDATION. The GUTTER dialect commands include
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THUNDERBIRD, RIPPLE, and HOUSE-RED. The GUTTER dialect is a
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particular favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers, who end
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up using this language.
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LAIDBACK
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This language was developed at the Marin County Center for
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T'ai Chi, Mellowness, and Computer Programming (now defunct),
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as an alternative to the more intense atmosphere in nearby
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Silicon Valley.
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The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot
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tubs while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could
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survive there because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola
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in favor of Tofu and Perrier.
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Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation
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as a gentle and non-threatening language (all of its error
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messages are in lower case). For example, LAIDBACK responded
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to syntax errors with the message:
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i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that.
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can you find the time to try it again?
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LITHP
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This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the
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absence of an "S" in its character set. Programmers and
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users must therefore substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be
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useful in prothething lithtth. This language was developed
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in California, but is now widely used in Washington, D.C. It
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is the current subset of the international bureaucratic
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language known as DOUBLESPEAK. Commands include
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REVENUE-ENHANCEMENT, STOCKMAN, CAPWEINBERGER,
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MALCOMB-BALDRIDGE, CABINET, CHOP-WOOD, LAXALT and SCENARIO.
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WATT and BURFORD have been removed from the commands, while
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there is a current effort to add MEESE.
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The operating system used is NEW-RIGHT and the designated
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memory is THE-RANCH. COMMIES (program bugs) are removed with
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the GRENADA command. A REAGAN program commences with
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LANDSLIDE and terminates with SENILITY.
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SARTE
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Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTE is an
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extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTE have no
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purpose; they just are. Thus SARTE programs are left to
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define their own functions. SARTE programmers tend to be
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boring and depressing and are no fun at parties.
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SIMPLE
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SIMPLE is the acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose
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Programming Linguistic Environment. This language, developed
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at Hanover College for Technological misfits, was designed to
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make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The
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statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END, and STOP.
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No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
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syntax error.
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SLOBOL
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SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or the lack of it, of the
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compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee
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break while they compile, the SLOBOL compile allows you to
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travel to Columbia to pick the coffee. Forty-three
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programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at
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their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
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compile.
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VALGOL
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From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San
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Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of
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popularity across the industry.
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VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
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Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTAL operators.
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Other operators include the California Booleans, AX and
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NOWAY. Repetitions of the code are handled in FOR-SURE
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loops.
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Here is a sample program:
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LIKE Y*KNOW (IMEAN) START
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IF PIZZA=LIKE BITCHEN AND
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GUY=LIKE TUBULAR AND
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VALLEY GIRL=LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
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THEN
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FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
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DO*WAH-(DITTY**2)
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BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
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SURE
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LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
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REALLY
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LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
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IM*SURE
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GOTO THE MALL
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VALGO is characterized by its unfriendly error messages...for
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example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter
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displays the message:
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GAG ME WITH A SPOON!
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(This article originally appeared in the DEC APL SIG
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newsletter THE SPECIAL CHARACTER SET and has gathered steam
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ever since.)
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