175 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
175 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
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2 FILES PER CALL MAX
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READ THIS FILE? (Y/N)
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=======================================
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-SPACEBAR QUITS-
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***************************************
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* *
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* &&REAL PROGRAMMERS&& *
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* =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= *
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* (PART 1) *
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* *
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* THANX TO LURKING GRUE WHO DOANTED *
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* THIS PHILE AND ALSO TO TWIKI AND *
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* BUCK ROGERS FOR TYPING THIS *
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* MASSIVE MOTHER IN..... *
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* *
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***************************************
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REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T USE PASCAL
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---------------------------------
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BACK IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS -- THE
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"GOLDEN ERA" OF COMPUTERS, IT WAS EASY
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TO SEPARATE THE MEN FROM THE BOYS (SOME
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TIMES CALLED "REAL MEN" AND "QUICHE
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EATERS" IN THE LITERATURE). DURING THIS
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PERIOD, THE REAL MEN WERE THE ONES THAT
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UNDERSTOOD COMPUTER PROGRAMMING,AND THE
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QUICHE EATERS WERE THE ONES THAT DIDN'T
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A REAL COMPUTER PROGRAMMER SAID THINGS
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LIKE "DO 10 I=1,10" AND "ABEND" (THEY
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ACTUALLY TALKED IN CAPITAL LETTERS,YOU
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UNDERSTAND), AND THE REST OF THE WORLD
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SAID THINGS LIKE "COMPUTERS ARE TOO
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COMPLICATED FOR ME" AND "I CAN'T RELATE
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TO COMPUTERS -- THEY'RE SO IMPERSONAL".
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(A PREVIOUS WORK POINTS OUT THAT
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REAL MEN DON'T "RELATE" TO ANYTHING,
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AND AREN'T AFRAID OF BEING IMPERSONAL.
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BUT, AS USUAL, TIMES CHANGE. WE
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ARE FACED TODAY WITH A WORLD IN WHICH
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LITTLE OLD LADIES CAN GET COMPUTERS IN
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THEIR MICROWAVE OVENS, 12-YEAR-OLD KIDS
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CAN BLOW REAL MEN OUT OF THE WATER
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PLAYING ASTEROIDS AND PAC-MAN, AND
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ANYONE CAN BUY AND EVEN UNDERSTAND
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THEIR VERY OWN PERSONAL COMPUTER. THE
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REAL PROGRAMMER IS IN DANGER OF
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BECOMING EXTINCT, OF BEING REPLACED BY
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HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENTS WITH TRASH-80'S.
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THERE IS A CLEAR NEED TO POINT OUT
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THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE TYPICAL
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HIGH-SCHOOL JUNIOR PAC-MAN PLAYER AND A
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REAL PROGRAMMER. IF THIS DIFFERENCE IS
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MADE CLEAR, IT WILL GIVE THESE KIDS
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SOMETHING TO ASPIRE TO -- A ROLE MODEL,
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A FATHER FIGURE. IT WILL ALSO HELP
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EXPLAIN TO THE EMPLOYERS OF REAL
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PROGRAMMERS WHY IT WOULD BE A MISTAKE
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TO REPLACE THE REAL PROGRAMMERS ON
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THEIR STAFF WITH 12-YEAR-OLD PAC-MAN
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PLAYERS (AT A CONSIDERABLE SALARY
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SAVINGS).
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LANGUAGES
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---------
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THE EASIEST WAY TO TELL A REAL
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PROGRAMMER FROM THE CROWD IS BY THE
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PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE HE (OR SHE) USES.
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REAL PROGRAMMERS USE FORTRAN. QUICHE
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EATERS USE PASCAL. NICLAUS WIRTH, THE
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DESIGNER OF PASCAL, GIVE A TALK ONCE
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AT WHICH HE WAS ASKED "HOW DO YOU
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PRONOUNCE YOUR NAME?". HE REPLIED, "YOU
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CAN EITHER CALL ME BE NAME, PRONOUNCING
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IT 'VEERT', OR CALL ME BY VALUE,
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'WORTH'." ONE CAN TELL IMMEDIATELY FROM
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THIS COMMENT THAT NICKLAYS WIRTH IS A
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QUICHE EATER. THE ONLY PARAMETER
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PASSING MECHANISM ENDORSED BY REAL
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PROGRAMMERS IS CALL-BY-VALUE-RETURN,
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AS IMPLENTED IN THE IBM/370 FORTAN-G
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AND H COMPILERS. REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T
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NEED ALL THESE ABSTRACT CONCEPTS TO
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GET THEIR JOBS DONE -- THEY ARE
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PERFECTLY HAPPY WITH A KEYPUNCH, A
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FORTRAN IV COMPILER, AND A BEER.
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* REAL PROGRAMMERS DO LIST PROCESSING
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IN FORTRAN
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* REAL PROGRAMMERS DO STRING
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MANIPULATION IN FORTRAN
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* REAL PROGRAMMERS DO ACCOUNTING (IF
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THEY DO IT AT ALL) IN FORTRAN
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* REAL PROGRAMMERS DO ARTIFICIAL
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INTELLIGENCE PROGRAMS IN FORTRAN
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IF YOU CAN'T DO IT IN FORTRAN, DO IT IN
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ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE. IF YOU CAN'T DO IT
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IN ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE, IT ISN'T WORTH
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DOING.
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STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING
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----------------------
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THE ACADEMICS IN COMPUTER SCIENCE
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HAVE GOTEN INTO THE "STRUCTURED
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PROGRAMMING" RUT OVER THE PAST SEVERAL
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YEARS. THEY CLAIM THAT PROGRAMS ARE
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MORE EASILY UNDERSTOOD IF THE
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PROGRAMMER USES SOME SPECIAL LANGUAGE
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CONSTRUCTS AND TECHNIQUES. THEY DON'T
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ALL AGREE ON EXACTLY WHICH CONSTRUCTS,
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OF COURSE, AND THE EXAMPLES THEY USE TO
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SHOW THEIR PARTICULAR POINT OF VIEW
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INVARIABLY FIT ON A SINGLE PAGE OF SOME
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OBSCURE JOURNAL OR ANOTHER -- CLEARLY
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NOT ENOUGH OF AN EXAMPLE TO CONVINCE
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ANYONE. WHEN I GOT OUT OF SCHOOL, I
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THOUGHT I WAS THE BEST PROGRAMMER IN
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THE WORLD. I COULD WRITE AN UNBEATBLE
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TIC-TAC-TOE PROGRAM, USE FIVE DIFFERENT
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COMPUTER LANGUAGES, AND CREATE 1000
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LINE PROGRAMS THAT WORKED. (REALLY!)
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THEN I GOT OUT INTO THE REAL WORLD. MY
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FIRST TASK IN THE REAL WORLD WAS TO
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READ AND UNDERSTAND A 200,000-LINE
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FORTRAN PROGRAM, THEN SPEED IT UP BY A
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FACTOR OF TWO. ANY REAL PROGRAMMER WILL
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TELL YOU THAT ALL THE STRUCTURED CODING
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IN THE WORLD WON'T HELP YOU SOLVE A
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PROBLEM LIKE THAT -- IT TAKES ACTUAL
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TALENT. SOME QUCIK OBSERVATIONS ON REAL
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PROGRAMMERS AND STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING:
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* REAL PROGRAMMERS AREN'T AFRAID TO
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USE GOTO'S
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* REAL PROGRAMMERS CAN WRITE FIVE-PAGE
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-LONG DO LOOPS WITHOUT GETTING
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CONFUSED
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* REAL PROGRMMERS LIKE ARITHMETIC IF
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STATEMENTS -- THEY MAKE THE CODE
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MORE INTERESTING
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* REAL PROGRAMMERS WRITE SELF-MODIFYING
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CODE, ESPECIALLY IF THEY CAN SAVE 20
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NANOSECONDS IN THE MIDDLE OF A TIGHT
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LOOP
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