1268 lines
61 KiB
Plaintext
1268 lines
61 KiB
Plaintext
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QUIP SNIPS
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By William D. Tammeus
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Of The Kansas City Star
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+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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A satellite has discovered that a huge distant galaxy gives off mostly heat
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instead of light. Must be folks there are in the midst of a political
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campaign.
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<<<<***>>>>
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If Fritz Mondale wants a real running mate, our suggestion, from what we saw
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on TV recently, would be Larry Bird or Cedric Maxwell of the Boston Celtics.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Just to keep the record straight, what is called a heatwave in the Northeast
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is called regular old summer in the Midwest.
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<<<<***>>>>
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There are hints of peace moves in the Iran-Iraq war, but both sides still seem
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capable of overcoming them.
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<<<<***>>>>
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We frankly don't know much about Pelsor, Arkansas, except that our postcard
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mail reveals it's hospitable enough to be home to at least one cute spotted
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fawn.
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<<<<***>>>>
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A new book claims Pope John Paul I was murdered. Critics denouncing the
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conclusion would do well to refrain from calling it papal bull.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Pay phone calls in New York are going up to a quarter. If you don't mind
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waiting a few days for your cab, you can send a letter for a nickel less.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Security was tight in Switzerland for the pope's visit, it's repo{rted. That's
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terrible. Someone should have sobered them up. They had dangerous work to do.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Sikh soldiers have been deserting the army of India. Why? No M*A*S*H units?
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<<<<***>>>>
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For Hallmark's acquisition of the Crayolo company, what's an appropriate card
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to send, "Hip, Hip, Hue-ray"?
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<<<<***>>>>
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As nearly as we can figure it, the handsome young guys in the Father's Day ads
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have been dating the lithe young women in the Mother's Day ads.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Democrats now have to write a national party platform that will do two things:
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Be hard hitting and precise and be circumspect and general.
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<<<<***>>>>
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These days there are so many channels of communication that it takes serious
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dedication to remain uninformed.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Maybe Fritz Mondale could choose Jimmy Carter as a running mate. Or has he
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given up the idea of revenge?
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<<<<***>>>>
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The Hells Angels held an international meeting in Missouri recently. Events
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like this can be unnerving but, like everything else, this runs in cycles.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Scientists studying new satellite information think there are as many as 40
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close stars around which planets will form. The future for big developers looks
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better each day.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Test-tube triplets were born in Texas recently--probably the only state where
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|z Mondale is under pressure to select a Southerner or a woman
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as a running mate. Why not both in one? How about the queen of the New
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Orleans' World's Fair?
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<<<<***>>>>
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Mr. Reagan says he's engaged in "quiet diplomacy" with the Soviets, and we
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gather that means more than that he's simply turned the volume down on his
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hearing aid.
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A new poll shows most Democrats want a Mondale-Hart ticket. That should
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pretty well snuff out the chances of it happening.
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<<<<***>>>>
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There's also been talk of Fritz Mondale running with Lee Iacocca. Hmmmmm.
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Ethnically, can Democrats geP`eway with two candidates whose last names end in
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vowels?
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<<<<***>>>>
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Analysts think a Mondale-Hart ticket is possible. Makes sense. It'd give Mr.
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Mondale confidence that Mr. Hart would never be heard from again.
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<<<<***>>>>
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The Hart and Mondale folks have been talking informally to see if they can
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make a deal, it's reported. The good news so far is they've apparently agreed
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to limit nuclear weapons.
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<<<<***>>>>
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No, just because Mr. Mondale says he's begun "broad consultations" with party
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leaders about a running mate doesn't mean he'll select a woman.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Gary Hart won 28 primaries or caucuses, compared with 24 for Fritz Mondale, it
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turned out. It reinforces our belief that the Democrats should nominate
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Uncommitted.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Gary Hart is under pressure to give in and support Fritz Mondale. It would be
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a nice gesture, but is there time between now and November to take back
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everything he's said?
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<<<<***>>>>
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At the Democratic convention this summer we're likely to see delegate
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challenges and floor fights. This is in addition, of course, to the contest for
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goofiest hat.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Another way to slash the federal deficit would be to fix the{_ calendar so the
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year has two April 15s in it.
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Rep. Geraldine Ferraro says she'll allow herself to be nominated as a
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Democratic vice presidential candidate. It's astounding what distasteful things
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people will do for their party.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Letter carriers, who normally must keep a wary eye out for nasty dogs, now
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also must avoid being set upon by packs of wild youngsters awaiting Michael
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Jackson tickets.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Los Angeles is sprucing up for the Olympics. And it won't surprise us to find
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a newly installed cleaner variety of smog.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Testifying to a Senate subcommittee, a fundamentalist minister says the IRS is
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"a terrorist organization." That's why our tax man is Yassir Block.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Based just on what we see on the streets, we've concluded that either driver's
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education courses are a myth or everyone cuts class.
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<<<<***>>>>
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One reason the Founding Fathers had more time to read and think is they didn't
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have to fill out as many magazine sweepstakes entry forms.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Jesse Jackson finally repudiates what Louis Farrakhan has been saying. If Mr.
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Jackson's enemies had done him as much good as his friends have done him harm
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he'd be the nominee.
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<<<<***>>>>
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The time to be suspicious of Jesse Jackson's Cuban trip is when the freed
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American prisoners show up at the Democratic convention as delegates.
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<<<<***>>>>
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If states don't raise the drinking age to 21 they'll lose federal highway
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funds. Isn't that highway robbery?
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<<<<***>>>>
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Raising the drinking age to 21 but keeping the voting age at 18 means citizens
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have just three years in which they legally must be sober to cast a ballot.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Among the harsher measures we've heard of to reduce drunken driving is one
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that, on the second offense, would take away your throat.
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<<<<***>>>>
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It seems unfair that the Supreme Court has freed college football from the
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NCAA's grip on telecasts but has left USFL teams tied to the USFL.
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<<<<***>>>>
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It's hard to understand why--just when we need them for a patriotic Fourth of
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July--Kansas wheat farmers cut down all the amber waves of grain.
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<<<<***>>>>
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When the 13 colonies approved independence, 12 said yes and New York
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abstained. Should it have been worded: "We hold these truths to be 92.3
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percent self-evident"?
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<<<<***>>>>
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Only men--56 of them--signed the Declaration of Independence. It's amazing how
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well a nation can hold up when begun by Founding Sexists.
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<<<<***>>>>
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History books say the Declaration of Independence was largely written by
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Thomas Jefferson. From looking at it we'd say it was even more largely written
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by John Hancock.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Of the 56 Declaration of Independence signers, 23 were lawyers. It was one
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way to guarantee it would have appeal.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Still, the Founding Fathers weren't so great. For instance, we find no
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evidence any of them could break dance.
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<<<<***>>>>
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We suppose the name goes back to the first person whose hut was burned to the
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ground, causing him to point and say, "Look! Fire works!"
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<<<<***>>>>
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Some Declaration of Independence signers had unusual first names, such as
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Button, Caesar and Elbridge. But the guy they sent it to had an odd first name,
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too: King.
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<<<<***>>>>
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The Founding Fathers had some things easier. For instance, on July 4 nights
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they never had to protect their homes from nuts with bottle rockets.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Geologists say they've found an earthquake fault within 3 miles of Mr.
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Reagan's ranch. Just 3 miles? How does he do it? Even THAT can't be called
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Reagan's Fault.
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<<<<***>>>>
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The man at the next desk, back from vacation, says you can't hold the ocean up
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to your ear and hear sea shells.
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<<<<***>>>>
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The new national debt ceiling will be $1,573 billion. Or, put another way,
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$1.573 trillion. Or, another way, aaarrrggghhh!!!
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<<<<***>>>>
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It ought to be easier than it is to govern a 208-year-old country in which
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people are willing to pay scalpers' prices for concert tickets that started out
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at scalpers' prices.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Some Kansas City crime leaders have asked for help from the Chicago mob, it's
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reported. Why aren't we comforted by such private sector initiatives?
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<<<<***>>>>
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A new study says kids should start school at age 4. Think what that could
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mean in a few years--high schoolers who are even more immature.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Congress has approved an increase in the national debt ceiling. The
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surprising thing is there are reporters and editors who still think this is
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news.
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<<<<***>>>>
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The Senate passed the debt ceiling hike with no debate. Just as well. It's
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already been talked to debt.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Still, the housing price rise means we've been able to get into a high-priced
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neighborhood without even moving.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Maybe Fritz Mondale, under increasing pressure to pick a woman running mate,
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could satisfy everyone by naming Lee Hart.
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<<<<***>>>>
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If Mr. Mondale wants a woman veep who's well known and who has been close to
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the center of power he might ask Nancy Reagan.
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<<<<***>>>>
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The current best bet for a woman veep is Rep. Geraldine Ferraro of Queens.
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Luckily for her she's not from Kings.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Scientists speculate that comets crash into the earth every 26 million years,
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wiping out whole species of animals. Next time we hope they aim at slugs.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Acid rain is a big problem in Florida, too, it's reported. It raises the
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question of what good they'll be when they become Neverglades.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Diane Sawyer will join "60 Minutes" this fall or winter. And it won't be long
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before CBS may have to rename it "60 Anchors."
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<<<<***>>>>
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The presidential campaign has been draining. In fact, it will come as no
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surprise to learn that Fritz Mondale is looking for a walking mate.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Sen. Lloyd Bentsen is getting lots of ink as a possible running mate for Fritz
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Mondale. He's come a long way. We remember when he was just an aide to a
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governor on a TV show.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Man-made pollution has been deteriorating forests in the eastern U.S. for more
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than 20 years, it's reported. It soon may be impossible to bark up the wrong
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tree.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Life certainly was lots simpler before we had all of this technology to make
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life simpler.
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<<<<***>>>>
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A Marine general says conventional war with the Soviets is "almost
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inevitable." So should we hurry up and start one before one starts itself?
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<<<<***>>>>
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Mr. Reagan disagrees that conventional war with the Soviets is nearly
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inevitable. What's the bad news? That a nuclear one is?
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<<<<***>>>>
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If you want the truth, all this controversy about whether there should be
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leaded gasoline exhausts us.
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<<<<***>>>>
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The Reagan-Bush campaign reports having a surplus of more than $10 million.
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Can't we hire the campaign manager as federal budget director?
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<<<<***>>>>
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The most recent figures show Gary Hart's campaign nearly $5 million in debt.
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That's the kind of debt you almost have to be an ex-president to afford.
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<<<<***>>>>
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The Supreme Court decision on televising college football games is a bit
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confusing. But what do you expect from a team that has just nine members, all
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of whom sit on the bench?
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The year is speeding by. Already the baseball All-Star break is here, and
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bare~Y"a few weeks beyond that is the Christmas shopping season.
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<<<<***>>>>
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The space shuttle may be progress, but when other airlines cancel flights at
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least they try to get you booked on another plane.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Our office softball team's recent 16-3 victory caused the coach to set up a
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special commission to fi}ind out what went right.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Major League baseball players say artificial turf is hard on their legs. As a
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replacement could stadiums use Nerf?
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<<<<***>>>>
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Tip O'Neill says Fritz Mondale's running mate will be either Gary Hart or a
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woman. That narrows it down to just over half the population.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Gary Hart says he can't wait for the '88 presidential campaign. Luckily for
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him, it'll begin in a few months.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Running your air conditioner a lot now also helps stop spoilage of the last
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few of your leftover holiday fruitcakes.
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<<<<***>>>>
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The national newspaper we would really like would have a reporting staff of
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seers and prophets and be called "USA Tomorrow."
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<<<<***>>>>
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One speaker at this summer's Democratic national convention will be Jimmy
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Carter. Apparently no one fears a spontaneous movement to draft him.
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<<<<***>>>>
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We're looking forward to hearing Mr. Carter speak to the Democratic
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convention, and hope he'll update us on how Amy and Brother Billy are doing.
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<<<<***>>>>
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European countries are worried about acid rain, too. Has anyone yet tried
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high pH umbrellas?
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<<<<***>>>>
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Immigration officials already are tightening security in Los Angeles for the
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Summer Olympics. Too late, however, to keep out most Californians.
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<<<<***>>>>
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The prime rate is now at its highest level since October, 1982. And is
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further proof that the government isn't losing interest in the economy.
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<<<<***>>>>
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These disputes between baseball managers and umpires slow down our reading of
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the paper too much. We have to pause to translate all the (bleeps).
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<<<<***>>>>
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Reading "bleep" quotes in the paper from baseball umpires makes us see more
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clearly why they're called the men in blue.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Inspired by a current movie, we're thinking of starting a company that will
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rid your house of folks who stay too long after dinner. The company's name?
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What else? Guestbusters.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Our second idea for a new company would rid your back yard of especially nasty
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kids. Its name? Grossbusters.
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Imagine how Gerry Ferraro's mother feels. She sacrifices to give her daughter
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everything, but when the child grows up she gets picked for a job attending
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foreign funerals.
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<<<<***>>>>
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We suppose now we should be ready for endless joke reruns that will go
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something like: "Who was that lady I saw you with?" "That was no lady, that was
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my vice president."
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<<<<***>>>>
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How can Geraldine Ferraro help balance the ticket? Why, we bet Fritz Mondale
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outweighs her by 80 pounds.
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<<<<***>>>>
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To people who say women shouldn't work outside the home, Ms. Ferraro can say,
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"I won't be. I'll be vice president, remember?"
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<<<<***>>>>
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Rep. Ferraro's husband is John Zaccaro, a real estate developer. Do we need
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anyone in Washington who could turn the White House into a condo?
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<<<<***>>>>
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Geraldine Ferraro's husband no doubt now is preparing for the inevitable
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questions about his favorite recipes.
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<<<<***>>>>
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"My parents are so in love with each other it is sickening," says Ms.
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Ferraro's daughter, Donna. But can their marriage withstand Mr. Zaccaro having
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the only real job in the family?
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<<<<***>>>>
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If nothing else, a Mondale-Ferraro ticket will outsyllable a Reagan-Bush
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ticket by two.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Rep. Ferraro is a lawyer. She could get elected by a large majority if only
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fellow lawyers voted for her.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Bella Abzug says having Ms. Ferraro on the ticket will be "a whole new step in
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American history." We're still waiting to find out what it was taken in. A
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Naturalizer, maybe?
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<<<<***>>>>
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There are three children in the Ferraro-Zaccaro family: Donna, John and Laura.
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You have to feel good about a country in which kids can aspire to follow in
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their mother's footsteps.
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<<<<***>>>>
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The congressional district Gerry Ferraro represents is the one Archie Bunker
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supposedly lives in. We're glad Fritz Mondale didn't pick Edith.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Our friend Orly says he figures Mr. Mondale put Ms. Ferraro on the ticket just
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to help him skirt more issues.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Aunt Ilse from Oelwein calls to say she hopes everyone in Dallas had fun at
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the Jackson concerts and to ask if we know of any plans for a Julliard String
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Quartet Victory Tour.
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<<<<***>>>>
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While watching the All-Star game, did you notice how pervasive the Michael
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Jackson look has become? A whole field full of guys wearing one glove.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Break dancing can cause many injuries, doctors say. Such as chapped wrists
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from handcuffs.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Elderly Americans are moving back to cities, experts say. Why not? It's
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relaxing to be near millions of folks who have to go to work when you don't.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Europe has illegal aliens, too, it's reported. Many folks around the world
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are making it hard for their high school reunion committees to find them.
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<<<<***>>>>
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U.S.-Soviet talks on anti-satellite weapons appear likely. They'll begin as
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soon as both sides can find ideas the other side is sure to reject.
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<<<<***>>>>
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California and Texas may split millions of dollars from the Howard Hughes
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estate. We know the estate is real but have never been sure either of those
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states is.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Wouldn't the true philanthropist avoid the middleman by not attending a
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Michael Jackson concert, preferring instead to send a donation directly to
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charity?
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A seascape painting was sold at auction in London the other day for more than
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$10 mi~rllion. Did it include the off-shore oil drilling rights?
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<<<<***>>>>
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A new poll shows the public thinks presidential campaigns last too long. And
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polls reminding us of them don't help, either.
|
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<<<<***>>>>
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Some folks in Washington, D.C., are paying up to $20,8 to own a parking
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space, it's reported. The ones there that cost more are called congressional
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seats.
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<<<<***>>>>
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Still, we'd feel attacked by future shock if we discovered that one of our
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favorite downtown parking lots had decided to go condo.
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<<<<***>>>>
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The Census Bureau reports there ard fewer laundries and dry cleaners in the
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U.S. than in the past. Apparently some of them weren't able to remove red ink
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stains.
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<<<<***>>>>
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We're still waiting for some entrepreneur to open a shop that would offer to
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clean up yards--a lawndry.
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<<<<***>>>>
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|
Even Muhammed Ali has denounced Louis Farrakhan. Is this what is known as
|
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getting on the banned wagon?
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<<<<***>>>>
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"This is a wonderful time to be alive," Mr. Reagan is telling campaign
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audiences. For one thing, we're in the period between atomic bombs.
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<<<<***>>>>
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|
The wet weather may not have helped gardens much in our neighborhood but it
|
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cert~rainly has brought forth a bumper crop of summer primary political yard
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signs.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
It's almost game time and so far we don't know what has been named Official
|
|
Tax Loophole of the 1984 Summer Olympics.
|
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<<<<***>>>>
|
|
An editorial writer in Illinois has gone to jail for refusing to reveal the
|
|
source consulted in an editorial. Why not just be honest and point to the west
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wall?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
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|
The new national debt ceiling will get the government only through August.
|
|
Unless, of course, Uncle Sam wins big in some state lotteries.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Beirut has a new peace plan. We'd tell you what number it is but don't like to
|
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show off.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
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|
So far observers give this session of Congress good marks. It means there's
|
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lots of room for lack of improvement.
|
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<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Overheard on our bus: "So many vacation spots don't appeal to me that I can't
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|
decide where not to go first."
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The national average price of a new single-family home now is more than
|
|
$100,000. Maybe folks saving for a downpayment should be more concerned about
|
|
the UPpayment.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Still, the housing price rise means we've been able to get into a high-priced
|
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neighborhood without even moving.
|
|
The Hart and Jackson forces tried to change parts of the platform but failed
|
|
to get through a plank that calls Fritz Mondale a nerd.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
A political party's platform, by the way, is the document that tells where
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delegates stand, besides in the aisles.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Jesse Jackson says the main reason for holding the convention is to adopt a
|
|
platform. Then why didn't he leave when that was done?
|
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<<<<***>>>>
|
|
More evidence Mr. Jackson doesn't understand the system: He took it as a
|
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put-down when Mr. Mondale didn't consider him for veep.
|
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<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Gerry Ferraro says she wants to debate George Bush. It'll give both a chance
|
|
to get an edge in wordwise.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
A poll shows most folks think Mr. Mondale chose Ms. Ferraro because of
|
|
pressure from women's groups. Sounds like a put down of the Italian-American,
|
|
Catholic and size 7 shoe lobbies.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The Democratic platform runs 35,000 words. Divided by the number of people
|
|
who'll ever read it all, that's about 1,000 words each.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The man at the next desk says he can't attend a party at our house next Friday
|
|
night because of a previously scheduled memorial service for his lawn.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Overheard on our bus: "I'm feeling more independent these days. In the last
|
|
week I've found six things Ralph Nader is against that I'm for."
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
As we understand the new rules, we won't have to have automatic seat belts or
|
|
air bags installed in our easy chair to be able to watch next month's Republican
|
|
convention on TV.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
We'll install an air bag in our car, but only if automatic seat belts are
|
|
required on all congressional seats.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
All cars might have to have air bags or automatic safety harnesses by 1990
|
|
under new federal rules. We still think an easier answer would be to make cars
|
|
out of Nerf.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
We were surprised that the Democratic convention's start wasn't delayed for
|
|
Mondale veep interviews with George Brett, Gary Carter, Dale Murphy, Dwight
|
|
Gooden and Fernando Valenzuela.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Canada has set elections for September 4. Any later and party workers in
|
|
northern provinces would have to arrange for free dogsled rides to the polls for
|
|
voters.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Farrah Fawcett plans a $2,500-a-week health club in Corpus Christi. Not long
|
|
ago that kind of money would have bought Corpus Christi.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Part of Richard Nixon's former Key Biscayne compound is for sale for $4.5
|
|
million. For that, does Bebe Rebozo come with it?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
World population may double by 2050, a new report says. Does it help to know
|
|
we expect to be gone by then?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
All-Star baseball game afterthought: If they were worried about wind in
|
|
Candlestick why did they let Howard Cosell talk?
|
|
Gary Hart said if he got nominated he'd also have picked Geraldine Ferraro as
|
|
a running mate. And can we expect Harold Stassen soon to name George Bush?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
From what we could tell, the delegates kissed Fritz Mondale and hoped he'd
|
|
change into a decent frog disguise.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
This was the 39th Democratic convention. Which just proves that it used to be
|
|
possible to get nominated without Walter Cronkite there to watch.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"It is essential that Ronald Reagan be defeated," Mr. Mondale says. Not if
|
|
taxpayers want to avoid supporting another former president.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"If July brings back Anne Gorsuch Burford," Gov. Mario Cuomo asks, "what can
|
|
we expect of December?" Gee, we were sort of hoping for Santa Claus.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Moscone Hall is said to be the world's largest column-free room. Which did
|
|
not, obviously, mean columnist free.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Attending the Democratic convention were 3,933 delegates and 1,303
|
|
alternates-- two or three dozen of whom were in their seats at any one time.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The Manatt-Lance turmoil showed that although Mr. Mondale may be indecisive at
|
|
least it's in a decisive way.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The only groups we didn't see demonstrating in the streets of San Francisco
|
|
were the Pro Apathy Party and the Street Cleaners Union.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Our kids were disappointed to learn that San Francisco's cable cars aren't
|
|
autos equipped with HBO.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"Doonesbury" will be back this fall. And it's unclear whether this country
|
|
can handle both a presidential and a Zonker Harris tanning campaign.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Although picking Gerry Ferraro was a bold move for Mr. Mondale, an even bolder
|
|
one would have been to pick Jane Wyman.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
As they began their convention, the Democrats seemed unified. At least
|
|
everyone seems to have found someone else to dislike.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
For some perverse reason, we can't wait to see the first Ferraro bumper
|
|
sticker on a Ferrari.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"This is an exciting choice," Fritz Mondale says of Gerry Ferraro. Well,
|
|
relatively. More exciting than Lloyd Bentsen, but less than Dolly Parton.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
In Congress, Rep. Ferraro has been an advocate of noise control measures. We
|
|
hope she'll have some influence in that area in the campaign.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
After she got married, Gerry Ferraro kept her maiden name as a tribute to her
|
|
mother. It's further evidence of how she balances the ticket. Mr. Mondale kept
|
|
his to honor his father.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"American history is about doors being opened," says Gerry Ferraro. And
|
|
sometimes about finding skeletons in the closets behind them.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"Vice president has such a nice ring to it," says Ms. Ferraro. Further
|
|
evidence she's got a lot to learn about how government works.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The DeLorean trial, like the baseball season, is into its second half. So far
|
|
we know of no plans at the trial to hold some kind of All-Star game.
|
|
You knew the Democrats eventually would unite behind a ticket. After all,
|
|
deep disunity is hard to maintain.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Aunt Ilse from Oelwein wonders why no one thinks Mr. Mondale has a chance to
|
|
beat Mr. Reagan. "Any country that can choose old," she writes, "can just as
|
|
easily choose boring."
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"What this ticket is all about is not what America can do for women but what
|
|
women can do for America," says Gerry Ferraro. That really sounds quite
|
|
Kennedyesque--Jackie.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The big question facing Democrats now is whether Gerry Ferraro's coattails are
|
|
long enough to carry Fritz Mondale into office with her.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Another unanswered question is whether anyone has ever come back to win the
|
|
presidency after, at his nominating convention, New Jersey put him over the top.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
With the convention in San Francisco, Democrats must have been glad their
|
|
nominees didn't ride off into the sunset, no matter how well they swim.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"The question," George McGovern told delegates, "is where will America be four
|
|
years from now?" Personally, we hope it's still somewhere between Mexico and
|
|
Canada.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"Promises are cheap," Gary Hart said in his convention speech. And it was
|
|
good to find out SOMETHING is.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Democrats proved they can't be trusted with our future when they stood up at
|
|
their convention and cheered at the word "infrastructure."
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
At the Hart demonstration on the convention floor there were more Yuppies than
|
|
at a wine tasting party at a BMW dealership.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"The stakes in 1984 couldn't be higher," Senator Hart said, failing, however,
|
|
to comment on any of the cheaper cuts or chicken.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The vision from the floor must have been terrible. Delegates kept shouting
|
|
"We want Hart!" when he was right there on the podium.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
For a time during the convention, the only certainty was that the Democrats
|
|
wouldn't nominate a Simpson-Mazzoli ticket.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
A quiet movement to dump Bert Lance developed at the convention. And we'll be
|
|
interested to see if it's possible for Mr. Mondale to reconsider this matter and
|
|
make any more firm indecisions.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Ted Kennedy Jr. addressed the convention, too. Is there a law against a
|
|
father-son presidential ticket?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
For as much labor support as Fritz Mondale has, it has been odd to see
|
|
thousands of Democrats in San Francisco off work all week.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"As president," Fritz Mondale says, "I will work for peace from my first day in
|
|
office, not from my first day of campaigning for office, not from my first day
|
|
of campaigning for re-election." For most presidents they're the same day.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
This may be a dirty presidential campaign, with Democrats showing old movies
|
|
of Mr. Reagan hanging around Bonzo and Republicans showing footage of Mr.
|
|
Mondale hanging around Jimmy Carter.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Gerry Ferraro says she and Fritz Mondale will prove the experts wrong. Not
|
|
much of a challenge.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Anothe reason the last day of the Democratic convention was an historic day is
|
|
that TV reporters set a world record for saying it was an historic day.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Barbara Hubbard, an anti-nuclear activist, also was nominated for veep at the
|
|
Democratic convention. But she withdrew, preferring to lose now rather than in
|
|
November.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"I've put my share of criminals behind bars," Ms. Ferraro said. Did she
|
|
sponsor a program for folks in jail to learn to be bartenders?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"There are no doors we cannot unlock," says Gerry Ferraro. What will this
|
|
administration do? Hire car thieves?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
It would have been even more interesting if the platform floor fights had
|
|
been, instead, mud wrestling.
|
|
Updated version of the annual song: "Bare she is, Miss America. . . "
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
All this controversy about Miss America posing nude is too bad, but we're at
|
|
least glad it wasn't Bert Parks.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Congress is back in session. It must want to give delegates to the upcoming
|
|
Republican convention more things to denounce.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
One good way to pay disgruntled postal workers but delay the financial crunch
|
|
on the Postal Service indefinitely would be to mail their checks.
|
|
}i <<<<***>>>>
|
|
The latest Gallup poll shows Mr. Mondale leading Mr. Reagan by 2 percentage
|
|
points. Of course, current standings show the Cubs still in the pennant race,
|
|
too.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The syndicated wizards are slow. None has yet pondered Ferraronomics.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Mr. Mondale plans to kick off his campaign in the South, it's reported. To
|
|
this ticket, however, the South may mean South Bend.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Economists now are worried about deflation. Inflation, deflation,
|
|
stagflation. We pine for the good old days of just plain flation.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The Israeli election showed one thing: Analysts who said they weren't sure
|
|
what would happen hit it right on the mark.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Mr. Mondale says he'd raise taxes if elected and says Mr. Reagan will too. If
|
|
he's going to base this campaign on truth and candor he's got even less chance
|
|
than we thought.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Democrats are pinning their presidential hopes on massive voter registration
|
|
drives. That, and possibly divine intervention.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
We have a new Miss America, though she'll get to serve barely a month. Uh,
|
|
let us rephrase that...
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
You'd think the least "Penthouse" magazine could do is donate profits from its
|
|
September issue to the Miss America scholarship fund.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Our minister, Pastor Deluge, says it would be better if there were at least
|
|
equal interest in photos that might be published in "Repenthouse" magazine.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
How long do you suppose it will be before the Miss America pageant asks Bob
|
|
Guccione to be a judge?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
We admit we looked at the nude photos of Miss America. In fact, to reach the
|
|
proper level of disgust we had to look at them several times.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Mexico City, with 16 million people already, is expected to double by the turn
|
|
of the century. In the commodities market this may be the time to get into
|
|
tortilla futures.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
ABC may have a bigger Olympic audience than expected. Fans in the stands may
|
|
watch on portable sets instead of trying to see through the smog.
|
|
Mr. Reagan has ended the ban on Soviet fishing in U.S. waters. But what can
|
|
they catch without a fishing nyet?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Researchers studying moon rock disagree on whether the moon once was a part of
|
|
Earth. Must be they've found no beer can fossils.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The Soviets say they have the first woman to walk in space, Svetlana
|
|
Savitskaya. Apparently they didn't see Gerry Ferraro right after her
|
|
nomination.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
If we were running for president we'd feel a lot safer, frankly, if our
|
|
running mate were Mr. T.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
A California man just filed for his 26th divorce. You couldn't get us to do
|
|
that for alimony in the world.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Jobs for this year's college graduates are easier to find, it's reported.
|
|
Must be a big demand for overqualified people.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Mr. Reagan says he can't understand why interest rates are so high. Well, an
|
|
old editor of ours always said that when we couldn't understand something we
|
|
should look for the part money plays in it.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
A 5-year-old Lebanese girl, Re Mi Bendaly, is gaining fame singing anti-war
|
|
ballads. It's what you get when you ask, "Want to make some dough, Re Mi?"
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The Democrats seem slow on the draw. Though Mr. Re@San has accused them of
|
|
demagoguery, they've failed to charge him with republigoguery.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Mr. Mondale calls Mr. Reagan's statement that he has no plans for a tax
|
|
increase a "fish story." It looks as if this campaign will be no different from
|
|
most others: carp, carp, carp.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
As we read current polls, we'd guess we'll either have two presidents come
|
|
January or none at all.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Republicans are finding it a delicate job to run against Gerry Ferraro. It's
|
|
hard for them to know whether to be on the offense, defense or simply the fence.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
As we get it, GOP strategy will be to depict Ms. Ferraro as a candidatette.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
At least we're grateful that so far we haven't heard anyone singing the theme
|
|
song from "Annie" substituting "Ferraro" for "tomorrow."
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
If Mr. Mondale loses this fall, of course, BOTH parties will face wide-open
|
|
primaries in 1988, and maybe you should think about whether you want that on
|
|
YOUR conscience.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
George Bush calls Democrats the "party of the far-out liberal Democrats."
|
|
Sounds like the kind that requires extra beer and bean dip.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"I have no plans for a tax increase," Mr. Reagan says. Like some other things
|
|
will it happen without planning?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The Rev. Sun Myung Moon, sent to prison, is working a kitchen shift. So if he
|
|
wasn't in a mess before, he is now.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
A nativity scene can't be set up in front of the Birmingham, Mich., City Hall
|
|
unless it's displayed with other secular symbols, a judge has ruled. Like Santa
|
|
in a manger?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
There've been many minuses recently for the Miss America pageant but officials
|
|
are working to destroy those negatives. Isn't that what Vanessa Williams should
|
|
have done?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Gerry Ferraro says she considers herself a fiscal conservative. Similarly,
|
|
Ronald Reagan once considered himself an actor.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Exercise helps prolong life, new studies prove. But they don't tell you the
|
|
disadvantage: You have to spend lots of your extra life exercising.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
A state primary election is coming up in our area and we've decided not to
|
|
vote for any candidate who knocks on our door or calls while we're watching the
|
|
Olympics.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Juanita Castro, Fidel's sister, says he's a liar and a traitor. That's not so
|
|
bad. WE have three sisters.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Some economists say a growing economy will get rid of federal deficits. But
|
|
will it get rid of economists?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Secretary Regan didn't like the federal rescue of that big Illinois bank, but
|
|
finally decided that in this case FDIC meant further debate is crazy.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"American women come in all colors," says Gerry Ferraro. So does their hair,
|
|
including some shades not found in nature.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
A new survey shows girls are less interested than boys in becoming president.
|
|
More evidence of innately higher female intelligence.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Researchers say granola, bananas and raisins are high on the list of snacks
|
|
that cause tooth decay. Still, they taste better than fluoridated flossburgers.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Gerry Ferraro says we don't need government on our backs "but on every
|
|
citizen's side." These metaphors are getting under foot.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Sudan's president has ruled a convicted robber and murderer there is to be
|
|
crucified. The president was upholding another ruling, so he was just
|
|
co-Pilate.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
China has a growing rabid dog problem, it's reported. Wow! And think how many
|
|
Pekinese there are there.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
We've tried to stick by our resolution not to comment on football until it's
|
|
football weather. But by then the pro season would be half over.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"I don't look at those kind of pictures," Mr. Reagan says of the 8ptnthouse"
|
|
Miss America issue. Apparently he doesn't consider this a privates sector
|
|
intiative.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Gerry Ferraro expects a "nasty, personal campaign." Oh, we bet she's just
|
|
saying that so we'll pay attention.
|
|
Before this country adopts a balanced budget constitutional amendment it
|
|
should find out how much more that would throw the budget out of balance.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
We're still waiting for a pro athlete to say the biggest thrill of his career
|
|
was the first time an interviewer didn't ask him what his biggest thrill was.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Scientists think a shower of comets could destroy mankind in about 15 million
|
|
years. No help. That's 14,999,967 years AFTER our mortgage will be paid.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The world would be less contentious if we gave others the same slack in all
|
|
matters that we give ourselves in getting through yellow lights.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Ever notice you can't be in the political mainstream without being all wet?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
If you still have a few holiday fruitcakes hanging around, here's a good
|
|
suggestion: They make great bookends.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
In case you're doing some early Christmas shopping and have a member of the
|
|
National Rifle Association on your list, here's an idea: A cartridge in a pear
|
|
tree.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Another tip for voters as the election approaches: Don't vote for any
|
|
candidate who, when he came to your door to campaign, set off your burglar
|
|
alarm.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
We're still waiting for the first truly honest political billboard that will
|
|
say, in small type: "Paid for by the special interest groups that own this
|
|
candidate."
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
We look forward to September because of the much prettier color of weeds in
|
|
our yard.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The wise college student is thinking now about getting to campus--to get
|
|
acclimated, to get organized and to get a parking space.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Solidarity continues to be a problem for the Polish government, and any day
|
|
now we expect it to change that old communist rally line to, "Workers of the
|
|
world, shut up!" (Editor's note: Bill is finally back at work after his cross
|
|
country sojourn. We promise he won't take another vacation until, at the
|
|
earliest, December. It's a tough life...)
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"Ronald Reagan actually seems to be getting younger," Rep. Jack Kemp told the
|
|
GOP convention. Further evidence of what lots of sleep will do for you.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Americans are such optimists. To clear away national problems they elect
|
|
political parties that can't even clear their own convention aisles.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"This is not the president's platform," says his daughter Maureen. So, though
|
|
he may run on it, he'll probably do so wearing track spikes.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
One reason Geraldine Ferraro got in trouble is hat on a disclosure form she
|
|
apparently checked the wrong box. Which reminds us: Wasn't there once an
|
|
Olympic fighter disqualified because he boxed the wrong Czech?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
There were lots of "Kemp '88" signs in the GOP convention hall. At least
|
|
we've got four years of warning.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The GOP platform says the U.S. should think about returning to the gold
|
|
standard. Why not go all the way and return to the bead and trinket standard?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Republicans approved their most conservative platform since 1964. Apparently
|
|
extremism in the defense of boredom is no vice.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
One reason lots of Republicans won't be running on the GOP platform is that in
|
|
a few days most won't even remember where they put their copy.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Let's see if we've got this: The GOP right is in the center of what's left of
|
|
what the moderates thought was right before many of them left because the center
|
|
moved too far right. Right?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Our guess is that Geraldine Ferraro will survive politically as long as Bob
|
|
Guccione of "Penthouse" magazine doesn't get involved.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"Our record is strong on women's issues," says George Bush. And Aunt Ilse
|
|
agrees. She says she can smell it all the way up in Oelwein.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"Four more years," GOP delegates shouted while Gerald Ford was speaking to the
|
|
convention, but he had the good sense to stop talking after just a few weeks.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The "Agnew-for-President" boom seemed pretty low-key in Dallas.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Elizabeth Dole predicts most women will vote for Mr. Reagan. If anyone
|
|
remembers her statement after Nov. 6 it may become known as the gender gaffe.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"Talk, unlike the Democratic platform, is cheap," Bob Dole told the
|
|
convention. Obviously he hasn't seen OUR phone bill.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Lots of women were in the GOP convention spotlight. They were the ones
|
|
wearing name tags that said, "Hi! My name isn't Gerry Ferraro."
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
This GOP convention was concerned with great issues: the future of mankind,
|
|
world peace and whether John Zaccaro is a nerd.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The Republican platform again fails to support the ERA. So the GOP can
|
|
correctly claim it has treated women equally for two straight elections.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
We're not sure who was in charge of testing the podium microphones at the
|
|
convention but we're pretty sure who didn't have that job.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Mr. Reagan's aides say he'll campaign three to five days a week until the
|
|
election. Why are they cutting him back two to four days?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Democrats say Mr. Reagan has a secret plan to raise taxes. Big deal. Even if
|
|
he does, our system requires him eventually to leak the news to Congress.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Experts say 53 percent of the voters in November will be women. Not only is
|
|
there a gender gap but also, apparently, an apathy gap.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Mr. Reagan currently leads Mr. Mondale by 10 to 15 points in the polls. And
|
|
even more in the calendars.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
No, GOP doesn't stand for Gipper, Our President.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The median household income for the GOP delegates is $52,700, compared with
|
|
$20,000 for the average U.S. family. So if you take a Republican to lunch, make
|
|
him pick up the tab.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Mr. Reagan got lots of applause at the convention for the economic recovery.
|
|
His economists, meanwhile, will continue trying to figure out what he did right.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Security for the GOP convention was reported to be tight. That's awful. We
|
|
hope they sobered up before anything serious happened.
|
|
Republicans are confident, but this presidential election looks like a snap
|
|
for the Democrats. All they have to do is get the votes of anyone who's ever
|
|
messed up on his taxes.
|
|
4xjbbRSSssss/|
|
|
No doubt it comes from watching the Olympics so much, but after each GOP
|
|
speaker we waited for a scoreboard to flash "6.0, 6.5, 7.0, 6.5..."
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
As we read the GOP delegates, there were conservatives, conserveratives and
|
|
conservistatives.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"The Republican party has never been closer together," says George Bush. He's
|
|
right, judging by the look of the aisles.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Mr. Bush strikes us as the sort of Texan that John Connally is a Republican.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Senator Laxalt nominated Mr. Reagan. Why does his name always sound to us
|
|
like a low-sodium diet?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Let the Republicans worry about the future of the world. We're just glad to
|
|
discover, via our postcard mail, that spotted fawns still have a presence in
|
|
Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"We're not a per/+fect party," says Bob Dole. How can he expect the president
|
|
to win with that kind of damaging insider revelation?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
If Democrats had nominated Jesse Jackson for veep, the GOP speakers would have
|
|
been, uh, well. . . give us time and maybe we'll think of some famous black
|
|
Republicans.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The GOP has continuity. In support of the Great Communicator the keynoter was
|
|
the Mediocre Communicator.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Jeane Kirkpatrick, who spoke to the GOP meeting, is a Democrat. Mr. Reagan
|
|
used to be one, too. And, though there was no evidence of it at the convention,
|
|
Mr. Nixon used to be a Republican.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
In 1980, said Jeane Kirkpatrick, Americans elected "a very different
|
|
president." Right. No previous one had ever co-starred with Bonzo.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Mr. Ford spoke to the convention but not Mr. Nixon. In his honor, couldn't the
|
|
GOP at least have arranged for 18-and-a-half minutes of silence?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
One conclusion to be drawn from the Ferraro-Zaccaro tax return is that they're
|
|
definitely Democrats. They pay too much in taxes to be Republicans.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"I'm sure he's a wonderful fellow," Barbara Bush says of Mr. Zaccaro. That
|
|
should end the controversy.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"Fifty million Americans said no to Walter Mondale four years ago," Senator
|
|
Baker told the GOP convention. That's just political hype. It was only
|
|
49,618,685.
|
|
Mr. Mondale describes the GOP platform as "kook right." If that's true, it'll
|
|
never sell to the majority of Americans, who seem closer to kook center.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Some experts say that to win Mr. Mondale needs a huge voter turnout of nearly
|
|
100 million people. Maybe if he wore just one glove and promised to break dance
|
|
at the inaugural ball...
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The Mondale campaign says tax changes proposed in the GOP platform would
|
|
nearly double the federal deficit. See? It's not true that nobody read the
|
|
darn thing.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
If he's re-elected and serves a full second term, Mr. Reagan will be almost 78
|
|
when he leaves office. By Kremlin standards that's barely middle age.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
One thing's sure about the upcoming vice presidential candidates' debates:
|
|
Unlike Mr. Nixon in 1960, Gerry Ferraro won't lose votes because she has 5
|
|
o'clock shadow.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The Populist Party has named Bob Richards, an Olympic pole vaulter in the
|
|
1950s, as its presidential candidate. So don't get too excited if you hear he's
|
|
leading in the poles.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
We're looking forward to the presidential candidates' debates. It'll be
|
|
interesting to see which TV shows get higher ratings instead.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
No matter how hard we looked on vacation, we couldn't find any states in which
|
|
it's legal to tie kids on the luggage rack and keep suitcases in the back seat.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
We're glad in this Ferraro financial trouble no one redid Mr. Truman's old
|
|
line and said, "If you can't stand the heat go back to the kitchen."
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
All the U-Haul trucks on the road on our vacation made us glad that when we
|
|
fly we don't see many U-Fly planes.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Who said the GOP convention had no surprises? When Roger Staubach introduced
|
|
Nancy Reagan he didn't ask her how she spells relief.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"I'm a conservative," says George Bush, "but I'm not a nut about it."
|
|
Unfortunately, that is also the way lots of Americans feel about being voters.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
There's talk of Senator Kassebaum running for vice president in 1988. That's
|
|
awful, but just proves again there's always someone wanting to hurt your career.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Abe Lincoln was the first Republican president. Of course, back then Mr.
|
|
Reagan wasn't yet old enough to run.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
These political conventions haven't been bad as summer television replacement
|
|
shows but they'll never make it against a new season of "Hill Street Blues" or
|
|
"Cheers."
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The final GOP convention nominating vote was closer than we expected: 2,233
|
|
for Ronald Reagan, 0 for Harold Stassen.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
An Illinois and a Pennsylvania delegate refused to vote to nominate the
|
|
Reagan-Bush ticket. And party leaders apparently had no abstain remover.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
What is 133 years old and still running hard? The Reagan-Bush ticket.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
In nominating Mr. Reagan, Senator Laxalt said Grenada now is a "loyal and
|
|
trusted ally." And it better stay that way or we'll whip up on it again.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
These political conventions make us realize what a lucky country this is. For
|
|
one thing, we never had to choose between Barry Goldwater and George McGovern in
|
|
the same race.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Senator Tower, introducing Mr. Goldwater at the convention, described how "he
|
|
galvanized a generation of young people into action." Right, but most of them
|
|
worked against the Goldwater-Miller ticket.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"Every war in this century began and was fought under a Democrat
|
|
administration," Mr. Goldwater says. Luckily, however, a few Republican
|
|
soldiers agreed to fight.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Watching`}9Ush sit next to Mr. Reagan at the convention raised the
|
|
disturbing question of whether we really want a veep whose leg shows between the
|
|
top of his sock and the cuff of his pants.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
GOP delegates booed Tip O'Neill roundly, which, for him, is at least the right
|
|
shape.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The Ferraro-Mondale ticket has the Reagan-Bush team beat 5-3, though so far
|
|
we're talking only about syllables.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The Missouri delegation's 47 votes put the Reagan-Bush nomination over the top
|
|
at the convention. Well, it was a nasty job but someone had to do it.
|
|
The space shutt{{le Discovery weighs 132 tons. So, in addition to going round
|
|
and round in circles, it has another similarity to the two major political
|
|
parties' platforms.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The economy is slowing down, statistics show. No wonder. It's after Labor Day
|
|
and only a few stores are decorated for Christmas.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
A new study says teacher-education programs need to be improved. For
|
|
instance, can't they be trained to attract better quality students?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Hospitals are advertising more. But we're still waiting for one to offer a
|
|
cheap weekend get-away rate.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"We need some morality in our foreign policy," says Rosalynn Carter. Maybe,
|
|
but why be different from every other country?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Our guess on why hospitals are advertising more: They figure we'll see so
|
|
much of it that it'll make us sick.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Judith Resnik, a shuttle crew member, is a classical pianist and enjoys
|
|
bicycling. If Discovery ever has to be pedaled home, the crew is in luck.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The Postal Service wants to raise the cost of a stamp to 23 cents. Are we
|
|
heading for a time when muggers say, "Your life or your stamps"?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Before long we won't need stamps. We'll be able just to paste a dollar in the
|
|
corner of each envelope.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Gerry Ferraro says voters face a "stark choice" in November. Right. Stay home
|
|
and be apathetic or go to the polls and be reluctant.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
John Paul II will visit Canada this month. Why not have a pro hockey goalie
|
|
from there accompany him? Think what a draw it would be to have the pope and
|
|
the goalie host.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The average Chinese dwelling, it's reported, contains just 50 square meters of
|
|
floorspace for five or more people. Sounds like an effective means of birth
|
|
control.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Now that Jesse Jackson has endorsed Mr. Mondale, can we expect a press
|
|
conference to announce that Gerry Ferraro has decided to do the same?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Overheard on our bus: "Having a teacher in space isn't such a novel idea. In
|
|
college, for instance, there was my philosophy professor."
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Each new problem that delays space shuttle launches at least helps cut the
|
|
number of "citizen passengers" interested in accompanying the crew on future
|
|
missions.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Apparently Mr. Reagan figures if he can't get the Lord back in classrooms
|
|
he'll at least get a teacher up there closer to Him.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Watching a teacher in space won't be bad. But we dread the dozens of
|
|
inevitable commission reports about it that will follow.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Those who can...do; those who can't...ride space shuttles.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The nation's prison population has reached a record 454,136, it's reported.
|
|
So far we're still among the outmates.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The Iran-Iraq war now has turned in favor of Iraq, analysts say. See? We
|
|
told you not to invest in Iranian war bonds.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The only good news in the polls so far for the Ferraro-Mondale ticket is it
|
|
seems to be runni~ng reasonably well against Undecided.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
On a human body temperature scale, our pennant fever for our team is running
|
|
at 98.7. And holding.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Frankly, we're going to miss Howard Cosell on "Monday Night Football." But
|
|
that's nothing new. We usually tried to miss him when he was on it, too.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
A sixth s{_traight poor Soviet grain harvest is predicted for this year. Looks
|
|
like they've pretty well figured out how to do that. Wonder what they'll try
|
|
next.
|
|
It's exciting to be in an election year, knowing we're living through the very
|
|
history future generations won't remember.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
John Anderson has endorsed Mr. Mondale. Apparently his new National Unity
|
|
Party couldn't find any of its own members willing to lose.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Mr. Reagan wants NASA to choose a teacher as the first "citizen passenger" in
|
|
space. If it's a one-way trip, our kids have some suggestions.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Explorers in Turkey think they've found Noah's Ark on Mount Ararat. Know how
|
|
they did it? Just followed their noses.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The Chicago Cubs' magic number now is under 30, which, not coincidentally,
|
|
also is pretty close to the current temperature in Hell.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Forget baseball, says the little boy next door. What's Christmas' magic
|
|
number?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The Soviets say they're testing their own new cruise missiles. There's one
|
|
comfort: They're not testing ours.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Jim Brady, White House press secretary, says the only way Mr. Reagan can lose
|
|
is if "it comes out that he's a transvestite." Well, he might get by with that
|
|
but not with being a liberal.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Looking back, we'd say our disappointment with the Olympics is that there was
|
|
no yodeling competition.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Mr. Nixon has decided not to move to New York City. Apparently he, too, feels
|
|
he's been punished enough.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Canada just held its elections. In a bilingual country like that many voters
|
|
have to understand both English and French before they may be fully misinformed.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Mr. Reagan says there's a "new patriotism" in the country. Yeah, it's hard not
|
|
to be proud of a country $1.5 trillion in debt and still on its feet.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The next space shuttle trip will have a crew of seven. Leave it to mankind to
|
|
prove it's possible to be crowded even out in space.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
At least that Chicago man who won $40 million in the state lottery has his
|
|
prioriti}ies straight: One of his first purchases was Cubs' tickets.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Investigative reporters have been slipshod about John Zaccaro. They've probed
|
|
his finances but so far haven't turned up his favorite recipe.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
3W How can we vote intelligently this fall when so far we've seen no thorough
|
|
explanation of Ferraronomics?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Politicians may be smarter than you think. Notice that they kiss babies but
|
|
don't hang around long enough for the babies to do anything back.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The new prime minister of Canada will be Brian Mulroney. Knowing that may not
|
|
make you a better person but what can it hurt?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Congress is back in session. Apparently there are a few knots left to turn
|
|
into loose ends before the election.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The British coal strike now is more than six months old. But so far as we
|
|
know supplies haven't gotten so low that they're down to the monotuminous
|
|
variety.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Reports from the first days of school indicate some new additions to our kids'
|
|
classes: Four boys, three girls, two Jerks, nine nerds and a couple of real
|
|
hunks.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The number of small farms in the U.S. is rising. Good. We're trying to eat
|
|
smaller portions.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
One of the new fall TV shows features a 300 mph motorcycle. We figure it's
|
|
used either by a crime fighter or a presidential candidate, and we're afraid to
|
|
ask.
|
|
Syndicated wizards work harder in election years, having to be ready with one
|
|
story on why something was inevitable and a second on how any fool should have
|
|
seen an upset coming.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The only thing sure about the baseball season: It'll end too soon--weeks
|
|
before the presidential campaign is over.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
A group thinks Michael Jackson is the Messiah returned. This time, obviously,
|
|
He's upped His ticket prices.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Israel is having trouble forming a new government. The trouble here, by
|
|
contrast, is reforming the old one.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Gerry Ferraro is proving a more exciting campaigner than Fritz Mondale. To
|
|
have avoided that, Mr. Mondale would have had to run with, uh, Mr. Mondale.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Frank Sinatra says he's been insulted and no longer will perform in New
|
|
Jersey. We're making a list of performers we'd like our governor to insult.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Scientists say a big earthquake, centered in Southeast Missouri, is sure to
|
|
come some day. Don't look at us. It's not our fault.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
No matter who wins the other division it would be hard to argue against giving
|
|
Detroit a bye to the World Series.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Most congressional incumbents will win re-election, experts say. It'll save
|
|
having to learn to dislike someone new.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"This president has never seen an arms control agreement he likes," Gerry
|
|
Ferraro says. Is that what Mr. Reagan means by his "safety nyet?"
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
We'll believe the Ferraro-Mondale ticket is really confident about winning
|
|
the election when we hear it has hired a band for the inaugural ball.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Mr. Mondale says any new taxes in his administration will go toward reducing
|
|
the budget deficit. Good idea. Borrow from Peter to pay Peter.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Mr. Mondale and Mr. Reagan have agreed to at least one debate. So far,
|
|
however, there's no word on whether any voters have agreed to listen.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Democrats want to raise national voter turnout from the 85 million of 1980 to
|
|
more than 100 million this year. Isn't it un-American to attack apathy?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
It seemed odd to read that this is only the 50th presidential campaign in U.S.
|
|
history. It seems as if we've lived through 150 since the '40s.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Still, you've got to feel good about a country in which the official starts of
|
|
its presidential campaign and its Christmas shopping season coincide.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"Call me an optimist," says Mr. Reagan. Won't that risk losing him votes in
|
|
Rotary and Kiwanis?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Police aren't sure why there's been a big increase in car theft in our city.
|
|
Well, for one thing, it's harder to fence a bus.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
The Vietnam Memorial has become the second most popular tourist attraction in
|
|
Washington. Behind what? The national debt?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Interest on the debt is the fastest-growing federal budget item, it's
|
|
reported. And we've even noticed a growth in interest IN that debt.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
If the military were in as bad shape as some folks say, wouldn't the Army by
|
|
now have declared tankruptcy?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Gerry Ferraro is attacking Mr. Reagan on the war-and-peace issue. Isn't it
|
|
risky to argue with a guy who can order your campaign headquarters bazookaed?
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
"Penthouse" plans to publish a new set of nude pictures of Vanessa Williams in
|
|
January. Sounds like a double exposure.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Rumors say Konstantin Chernenko is ill. For his sake, let's hope it's nothing
|
|
fatal like a common cold.
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
It was obvious that Mr. Reagan and Mr. Bush used the same writer for their
|
|
acceptance speeches. The first 150 or so words of each talk were the same:
|
|
"Thank you, thank you very much, thank you, thank you..."
|
|
<<<<***>>>>
|
|
Mr. Reagan listed few goals for the future in his GOP convention speech.
|
|
Maybe the good news is he doesn't have many.
|
|
Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
|
|
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