932 lines
34 KiB
Plaintext
932 lines
34 KiB
Plaintext
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Here's a stack of Irish jokes I found in one of my archival files. Some of
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these, I'm aware, have already been sent over the net. I know: that's how I
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got 'em. Others came from other sources. Most are inoffensive; some are quite
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biting. The first one, for instance, may be found offensive by many gays.
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Others will be found offensive by other groups of "right-thinking people."
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Tough.
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Anyone with thin skin is stepping on their own...uh...toe by reading rec.humor.
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Here's a linefeed for thin skinners -- then the fun begins.
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And remember, flames only encourage me.
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Have fun,
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d
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"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your
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trousers?"
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"Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty
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comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!"
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Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third.
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"Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."
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"Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other.
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"Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my
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soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."
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An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a
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train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that,
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in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever
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tasted it?
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The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
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Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion,
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too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."
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The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed
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once or twice."
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There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he
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was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
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A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and
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address?"
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"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
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The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
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"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."
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Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea
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pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"
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"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
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"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes
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another one!"
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The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They
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ran out of scaffolding.
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O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he
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slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
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down his leg.
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"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
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Then there was the Irishman who sued the local baker for forging the Irishman's
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signature on a hot cross bun....
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What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
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Third grade.
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Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately,
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Pat?"
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Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."
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His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?"
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Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan,
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and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one
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another...it was neither of us."
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How do you sink an Irish submarine?
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Knock on the hatch.
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Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for
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shelter.
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His pal McGinty saw him and called, "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few
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spots o' rain, now?"
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Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter."
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The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first chukka.
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Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered
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by.
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"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
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Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest
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man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
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Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.
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After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't
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do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some
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help."
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As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi
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pull me feet out of the stirrups?"
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The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse
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could get a descent footing on the cathedral roof.
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Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a
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joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
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Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The
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agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
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After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye
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say there?"
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The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"
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Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."
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Paddy and Mick were approaching a pub which had been destroyed by an IRA bomb
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only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering ruins
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and across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped, picked it up and held it
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for Mick to see.
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"Shure now Mick, isn't this Sean Murphy?"
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"No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be. It's an amazin' resemblance, but Murphy was
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shorter than that."
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Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
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He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
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How can you identify an Irish pirate?
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He's the one with patches over both eyes.
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Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten
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other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room.
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Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize
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her anywhere!"
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"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his
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client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
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"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
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The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
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"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."
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Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for
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unnatural connubial practices?"
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"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the
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connubial."
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Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what
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grounds you have."
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"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone
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grounds."
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"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a
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reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this
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divorce?"
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"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an
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intelligent conversation."
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Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone spoke to him.
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"Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old
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friend Grogan any more?"
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Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive
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plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch.
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"Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump
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from the trestle?"
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"It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the
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truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a
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murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the
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livin' bejazus outa me."
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"He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't
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ye nothin' in your own hand?"
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"Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but
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not worth a dom in a fight."
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As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena
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shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where
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before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
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Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night
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went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In
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the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her
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work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know
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what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she
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did on stage.
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She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she
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went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.
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Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged
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ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the
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other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this
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night, and me without me bloomers on!"
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Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern. To Mike
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Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'll be havin' three whiskeys."
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Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy, it's not
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the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's celebratin', you are.
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"Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating me
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first blow job."
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Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar. "Now,
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that's special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself, here's a fourth on
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the house, so I may be sharin' your celebration with you."
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Shandy shook his head, and replied "'Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal, but
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I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won't either."
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Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
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A: Paddy O'Furniture!
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When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland,
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what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who _saw_ any
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snakes!
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----
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HEAVEN is when
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The police is English
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The cook is French
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The mechanics is German
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The lover is Italian
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Everything is organized by Swiss
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And there are absolutely NO Belgium drivers
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HELL is when
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The police is German
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The cook is English
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The mechanics is French
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The lover Swiss
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The driver Belgium
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and everything is organized by Italians
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***************************************************************************
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Two Polish junkies are getting ready to shoot up some heroin, and a
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friend walks in and says:
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"What are you doing? Don't you know you'll get AIDS from that!?"
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To which they replied:
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"No problem, we're wearing condoms!"
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-------------------------------------------------------------------
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Good for you! Here's a real Aggie joke, not just a Polish joke or some
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such that's had a few words replaced. Hope you enjoy it:
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There was once a very very stupid farmer in Texas. The farmer decided
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he wanted to raise chickens, so he bought a standard gross of (144)
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chicks. He planted the chicks in the field, watered them regularly,
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but nothing happened. He was a persistent type, though, so he bought
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another gross of chicks and planted them and cared for them -- still
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nothing. Finally he decided he needed professional help, so he wrote
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a letter to the Texas A & M extension service, explaining exactly
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what he'd done in detail and asking for their advice. About two weeks
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later he received a letter from A & M, and read it:
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"Mr. X, we are unable to diagnose your problem without further information.
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Please send a soil sample."
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-----
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Q: what's a specimen?
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A: Italian astronaut!
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Q: What's the <ethnic> solution to Rubik's Cube?
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A: Spray paint.
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-----
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D: why did so many blacks die in Vietnam?
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N: because every time they heard "GET DOWN", they started dancing!
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----
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Q. what's a bigamist?
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A. a heavy fog in Naples!
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Q. whats bigotry?
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A. what you find in an Italian forest!
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Q. What's innuendo?
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A. an Italian curse!
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---
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Innuendo is Italian for Preparation H.
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----
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And now for the boys down at Guido's Leg Breaker Lounge in Kent, a quiz
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about Italians.
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A Quiz About Italians
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1) During World War II, Hitler hoped Italy would . . .
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a) be a strong member of the Axis powers
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b) act as a staging area for activities in the Mediterranean
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c) get stomped flat by the Allies before Germany did
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2) Who fired the last 3 shots into Mussolini's body?
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a) his own general cabinet leader
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b) Italian partisans who saw El Duce' destroy Italy
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c) 3,000 Italian sharp-shooters
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3) Most Italians attend soccer games to . . .
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a) see the home team win one against the rest of Europe
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b) to root for the teams they hope will go to the Olympics
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c) get drunk and start fights
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4) Bullfighting is considered inhumane because . . .
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a) the bull is drugged and doesn't stand a chance
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b) the bullfighter bleeds the bull to sap its strength
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c) the bull is about 3 times smarter than the average Italian matador
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5) During World War II, it was a great honor if an Italian ship . . .
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a) saw more than 20 battles
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b) was asked to join a German action
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c) stayed afloat more than 15 minutes
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6) Italians fought so hard for Casino in World War II because they thought...
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a) that this would be Italy's last stand
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b) Hitler would reward them with new equipment
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c) it was a pizza parlor
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7) Hitler chose El Duce' as his Axis counterpart because . . .
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a) he needed Italy to take Austria
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b) he needed a staging ground for North African actions
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c) Hitler thought El Duce' looked a lot like Curley and needed a good laugh
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8) The mention of El Duce' in Italy today will . . .
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a) bring a flush of shame on the faces of Italians
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b) result in an argument about facism vs. communism in modern Italy
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c) bring some huge guy named Vinnie to break your legs
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9) The Patron Saint of Italy is . . .
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a) Saint Jehrome
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b) Saint Augustus
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c) Frank Sinatra
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10) In Italian business, a hostile takeover usually involves . . .
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a) lawyers locked in death battles over obscure legal issues
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b) corperate heads trying to build the biggest golden parachutes they can
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c) gunfire
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11) The Italian airforce lacks helicopters because . . .
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a) they don't think the helicopter has a place in jet-age warfare
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b) they would rather concentrate on ground forces over air forces
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c) the big blade goes "Wop Wop Wop" and the little one goes "Dago Dago Dago"
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12) Most Italians are . . .
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a) warm and friendly people
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b) kind to tourists
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c) wanted in at least 3 countries
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"Uh, 'cuse me Squire. Vinne and I don't like this 'ere quiz. Why don't you do
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a quiz 'bout someone else, like the Germans. Or we'll punch you in the mouf."
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And now . . .
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For the two nice gents from Italy, a quiz about . . . Germans!
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(*applause*)
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A quiz about Germans what have no mafia
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---------------------------------------
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1) It is a proud day in a German family when a son . . .
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a) gets an apprenticeship in the auto industry
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b) joins the service
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c) can drink his old man under the table
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2) Looting, riots, burning and pillaging are most associated with . . .
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a) Crystal Night, 1937
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b) The Russian Occupation, 1945
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c) Octoberfest, 1989
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3) The best way to get a German to move quickly is to . . .
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a) yell "RUN!"
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b) yell "FIRE!"
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c) yell "HEY! DIDN'T I SEE YOU AT THE NUEMBERG TRIBUNAL?!"
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4) Most Germans scatter and hide under tables . . .
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a) during NATO exercises
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b) when nuclear drills are rehearsed
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c) whenever someone mentions war crimes
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5) Most pilots in the GDR today are . . .
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a) the most highly skilled in Europe
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b) proud members of the EEC
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c) aging Stuka pilots who keep getting flashbacks about Poland
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6) The reason flight 201 went down over Scotland was . . .
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a) terrorism
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b) mental fatigue
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c) Pilot error: The GDR pilot thought he was over Krakow
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7) Had Hitler wanted to win the war, he would have heavily defended . . .
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a) aircraft manufacturers
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b) heavy weapons plants
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c) breweries
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8) In regards to World War II, most Germans . . .
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a) wish they had taken a stand when the Nazi party was small and weak
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b) wish that the Holocaust never happened
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c) wish they had won
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9) The takeover of American firms by German firms is called . . .
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a) extro-European business
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b) fair competition on a global basis
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c) revenge for the Dresden fire bombing
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10) In regards to the Holocaust, most Germans think . . .
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a) "What a deep shame it is for all of Germany for the rest of history."
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b) "It is our fault for not standing up in the Jew's hour of need."
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c) "Better them than us."
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11) When crossing the English Channel, GDR pilots usually . . .
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a) check the weather at Heathrow
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b) switch over to VOR's on the British side of the Channel
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c) start scanning for Spitfires
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12) ______ is not a very popular vacation spot for Germans.
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a) Japan
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b) China
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c) Israel
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13) Perhaps the biggest German business failure ever was . . .
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a) attempting to build the Airbus entirely out of German parts
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b) trying to export Volkswagons to Japan
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c) selling ovens to the Israelis
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14) The biggest German export to America is . . .
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a) aerospace technology
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b) automobiles
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c) skinheads
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15) The Black Forest is filled with . . .
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a) wolves
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b) foxes
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c) skinheads
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16) Given their choice, most GDR pilots would prefer to fly a . . .
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a) Boeing 757
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b) European Airbus
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c) German ME-109
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17) Most Germans who fought in World War II are now . . .
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a) unified in their belief that the war was a mistake
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b) honored in quiet home ceremonies
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c) part of the ground between Moscow and Berlin
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18) Had Hitler known any better, he would have . . .
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a) gone into the Soviet Union 5 weeks earlier
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b) never invaded Poland
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c) kept on painting houses
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19) When Germans close their eyes, they dream of . . .
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a) owning a BMW
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b) sending their kids to an American university
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c) Argentina
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20) When asked about the war, most Germans will respond . . .
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a) "It is a deep shame for all of us."
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b) "May God forgive us for what we have done."
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c) "Better luck next time, 'eh?"
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---
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A family had lived in Brooklyn for three years, and their eight-year-old son
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had attended a Brooklyn public school for the past two years. The people of
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Brooklyn are renowned for their unusual, if not unique, manner of speaking, and
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the two years of school had given the young fellow an accent that would be
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recognizable anywhere in the English-speaking world.
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The parents were concerned about this, for they were from Virginia, and did not
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think it proper that their son should speak in such a manner...excuse me,
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mannah.
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They were well-to-do, so they imported a nanny from their home state, with
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instructions to Get The Brooklyn Out Of That Boy's Mouth.
|
|
|
|
Saturday morning, the nanny took the lad for the first of many walks in a
|
|
nearby park. Hearing a bird making a large ruckus high in a tree, the boy said
|
|
to the nanny "Listen to that boid!"
|
|
|
|
Taking her instructions seriously, the nanny admonished him "That's not boid,
|
|
it's bird."
|
|
|
|
Puzzled, the boy replied "It choips like a boid."
|
|
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Why is Poland just like the United States?
|
|
|
|
In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
|
|
Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever you
|
|
want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
|
|
--
|
|
|
|
|
|
{ed A JEDR is an generic acryonym for a Joke Ethnic/Denomination/Race. It is
|
|
pronounced "Jedder."}
|
|
|
|
A large oil field in Oklahoma suffers a disaster in the form of a huge rig
|
|
fire. The foreman, desperate to curtail the blaze, thumbs thru the phone book
|
|
for Red Adare's number (Red is a famous oil-firefighter). Foreman finds the
|
|
number, calls, and is told that Red is unavailable, since he's fighting an
|
|
off-shore rig fire in Southern California.
|
|
|
|
Desperate, the foreman returns to the book and finds, listed under Red Adare,
|
|
a "Red <suitable JEDR surname>", advertising rig fire services at $100 per
|
|
hour. Since this is CONSIDERABLY cheaper than Adare anyway, the guy calls and
|
|
describes the situation. He is assured that someone will be on the scene
|
|
within the hour.
|
|
|
|
True to his word, within 45 minutes the foreman sees a vehicle approaching the
|
|
scene of the blaze at top speed. As it gets closer, he notes that it is a
|
|
grungy '68 pickup, with a load of JEDRs in the back. Without slowing,
|
|
the pickup drives directly into the middle of the fire, everyone in the back
|
|
jumps out with soaking-wet blankets, and with intense screaming and running
|
|
around, proceed to beat out the fire completely.
|
|
|
|
Red approaches the foreman and gives him a bill for $100 (one hour minimum)
|
|
The foreman is so impressed, he offers him an additional $500 bonus for the
|
|
prompt and effective work. "Man, this will REALLY help" says Red.
|
|
|
|
"Oh?" says the foreman. "How so?"
|
|
|
|
"Now I can go buy brakes for the truck."
|
|
|
|
(Here are some more ethnic jokes to offend new constituencies.)
|
|
= = = = = = = = =
|
|
A Dutch joke about Belgians:
|
|
|
|
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Belgium?
|
|
A: God couldn't find three wise men in Belgium.
|
|
|
|
(source: a colleague's friend in Holland)
|
|
|
|
A pair of Missouri jokes about Arkansas:
|
|
|
|
Q: What's considered foreplay in Arkansas?
|
|
A: When the man says, "Brace yourself, Linda Lou."
|
|
|
|
(source: Johnny Carson's list of state jokes
|
|
collected by his staff and aired about
|
|
6 years ago)
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry?
|
|
A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top,
|
|
she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel
|
|
down a bit.
|
|
|
|
(source: ???? I was raised in Missouri--I heard
|
|
this one about 10 years ago)
|
|
|
|
A standard one:
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did God make North Dakota?
|
|
A: To protect Canada from South Dakota!
|
|
|
|
(source: I've heard it all over. I think it
|
|
surfaced on the same Carson show using
|
|
Minnesota and Iowa.)
|
|
--
|
|
------
|
|
|
|
[From the World's Best Aussie Jokes]
|
|
|
|
Max Brown, a young father-to-be, was waiting anxiously
|
|
outside the maternity ward where his wife was producing their
|
|
first baby. As he paced the floor, a nurse popped her head round
|
|
the door.
|
|
|
|
"You've a little boy, Mr. Brown," she said, "But we think
|
|
you'd better go and have a cup of coffee because there might be
|
|
another!"
|
|
|
|
Max turned a little pale and left. Some time later, he rang
|
|
the hospital and was told he was the father of twins.
|
|
|
|
"But," the nurse went on, "We're sure there's another on the
|
|
way. Ring back again in a little while."
|
|
|
|
At that, Max decided that coffee was not nearly strong enough.
|
|
He ordered a few beers and rang the hospital again, only to be told a
|
|
3rd baby had arrived and a fourth was imminent.
|
|
|
|
Whitefaced, he stumbled to the bar and ordered a double
|
|
scotch. Twenty minutes later, he tried the phone again, but he was in
|
|
such a state that he dialed the wrong number and got the recorded
|
|
cricket score.
|
|
|
|
When they picked him up off the floor of the phone box, the
|
|
recording was still going strong: "The score is 96 all out, and the
|
|
last one was a duck."
|
|
------
|
|
|
|
from "Last Train to Whiskeyville"...
|
|
|
|
This is Tom Whiskey, frontier doctor, here to tell you a story
|
|
about Harry and Hiastod Whiskey, frontier morons, probably the two
|
|
dumbest men i've ever known...well, one winter day they decided to go
|
|
ice fishing, so there they were, out on the ice, they set up their little
|
|
shanty, set a little fire in the shanty to keep warm, and just as they
|
|
were about to start drilling, they heard a deep voice say, "There are NO
|
|
fish under there!"...so they thought, well, voice from above, so they
|
|
put out their fire, moved their shanty to another spot, built another
|
|
small fire to keep warm, and they were JUST about to drill when they
|
|
heard a deep voice say, "There are NO fish under the ice there!"...so they
|
|
thought, well, and they moved their shanty to yet another spot on the ice,
|
|
built anotherr fire to keep warm, they were just about to drill again and
|
|
again they heard a deep voice say, "There are NO fish under the ice there!"
|
|
So Harry Whiskey, frontier moron, turns to Hiastod and says, "Hey, whose
|
|
voice is that anyway?" And the deep voice booms out again -
|
|
|
|
"THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!!!"
|
|
|
|
yep, i'll never forget it!!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
In this little <ethnic> village a young woman was raped. She reported the
|
|
insident to the police and the sheriff took drastic action immediately. He
|
|
calls all males above twelve and puts them in a big room.
|
|
- I called you here to find the truth about the rape.
|
|
He snaps his finger and a deputy brings in the woman.
|
|
One of the <ethnics> then steps forward, stares for a couple of seconds on the
|
|
victim and says with pride and satisfaction:
|
|
- She is the one sheriff. I recognized her...
|
|
|
|
-----
|
|
|
|
A Norwegian pilot was being interviewed on radio after World War II.
|
|
|
|
The interviewer asks, "Describe the most difficult dogfight you
|
|
were in".
|
|
|
|
The Norwegian pilot responds, "Ya by golly, we vas flying at 1600'
|
|
when des two Fokkers came out of de sun".
|
|
|
|
The interviewer asks, "Wasn't the Fokker a heavily armed German
|
|
fighter plane?".
|
|
|
|
The pilot says, "Ya, dats right, but des Fokkers vas flying
|
|
Messerschmits".
|
|
|
|
----
|
|
|
|
The unwed <ethnic> girl told her mother she was pregnant.
|
|
|
|
Her mother asked, "Are you sure it's yours?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
-----
|
|
|
|
1> Having just brought his son home from the eye doctor's, the Scotsman
|
|
said to his wife, "Now be sure to take Donald's glasses off when he's
|
|
not looking at anything."
|
|
|
|
2> A Scotsman goes into the doctor's office carrying a gallon jug
|
|
full of urine which he gives as part of his annual physical.
|
|
|
|
After the examination, the doctor says to him, "Angus, I am happy
|
|
to tell you that I found absolutely nothing wrong."
|
|
|
|
"Really now," Angus, "No sugar? No albumen?"
|
|
|
|
"No, Angus. Everything was normal," replies the doctor.
|
|
|
|
"Great!" says Angus. "May I use your phone for a moment?"
|
|
|
|
"Sure," answers the Doctor.
|
|
|
|
Angus dials a number and says, "Hello Mary! Good news! Not I,
|
|
nor you, nor our son, nor even Uncle Gordie have anything
|
|
wrong with us!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
-------
|
|
----
|
|
|
|
How can you tell that there are flamingoes living in your neighborhood?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Because they have plastic <ethnic>'s on their front lawns!
|
|
|
|
|
|
A JEDR jetliner exploded just after takeoff, and crashed into a cemetery.
|
|
|
|
So far, they've found four thousand bodies, and they're still digging.
|
|
-----
|
|
|
|
In a small Alabama town, almost everybody was excited about
|
|
the wedding that was comming up, but at the last moment, the groom
|
|
called off the wedding. A puzzled drifter wanted to know why.
|
|
|
|
PD: "Why did you call off the wedding so suddenly?"
|
|
|
|
Former groom: "I just found out last night that she's a
|
|
virgin!"
|
|
|
|
Even more PD: "But why is that so bad?"
|
|
|
|
FG father, leaping to his son's defense: "Hell, if she's not
|
|
good enough for her own kin, she ain't good enough for my son!"
|
|
------
|
|
|
|
What do you get when you cross a jew and a gypsy?
|
|
A chain of empty stores.
|
|
|
|
How do you brain wash an italian?
|
|
Give him an enema.
|
|
|
|
Why don't polish women breast feed their babys?
|
|
It hurts to much when they boil their nipples.
|
|
|
|
|
|
How do you stop 5 blacks from raping a white girl?
|
|
Throw them a basketball.
|
|
|
|
What goes into to 13 three times?
|
|
Roman Polanski.
|
|
|
|
-----
|
|
|
|
What would you get if Sammy Davis Jr Mated with Bo Derek.
|
|
a 10 of spades.
|
|
|
|
What do you call 4 ethnics ibn a Caddilac
|
|
Grand Theft Auto.
|
|
|
|
-----
|
|
|
|
Why don't Italians eat fleas
|
|
They can't get their legs apart.
|
|
|
|
|
|
What do you call an italian with an IQ of 180
|
|
Sicily.
|
|
|
|
What yellow, ugly and sleeps alone?
|
|
Yoko Ono
|
|
|
|
What did John say when he saw her naked
|
|
ONO.
|
|
|
|
How do you get an Iranian girl preggers
|
|
cum in her shoe and let the flies do the rest.
|
|
|
|
------
|
|
|
|
What dso you call haitian with half a brain
|
|
gifted
|
|
|
|
how do save a drowning colombian
|
|
throw him an anchor
|
|
|
|
------
|
|
|
|
Why wasn't christ born in Alabama
|
|
They couildn't find three wisemen and a virgin.
|
|
|
|
Hear about the ethnic who cleaned out his ears and his head collapsed.
|
|
|
|
What do you call a black skin diver
|
|
Jauques Coustodian
|
|
|
|
How do you tell when an Iraian girl is menstrating?
|
|
she only wears one sock.
|
|
|
|
Why are ethnic girl s and Hocky goal tenders alike.
|
|
Theyu both change pads after three periods
|
|
|
|
Canadians ?
|
|
We call 'em icebacks !
|
|
|
|
-------
|
|
|
|
Why can't you teach arabs drivers ed and sex ed on the same day ?
|
|
The camels can't take the strain.
|
|
|
|
What is the current fashion rage in China?
|
|
|
|
Tank tops!
|
|
|
|
-----
|
|
|
|
-----
|
|
|
|
|
|
OBJ: This Newfie goes in to the psychiatrist and says, "Doctor,
|
|
you've got to help me. All I ever think about is sex. I can't ever
|
|
get it off my mind. Sex, sex, sex. Can you help."
|
|
|
|
"I think I can help," says the shrink, "but first I have to conduct a
|
|
preliminary examination. I'm going to say a word, and I want you to
|
|
tell me the first thing that comes into your mind. Mother."
|
|
|
|
"Sex."
|
|
|
|
"Morning."
|
|
|
|
"Sex."
|
|
|
|
"Piano."
|
|
|
|
"Sex."
|
|
|
|
The doctor raises his eyebrows and continues, "Mashed potatoes."
|
|
|
|
"Sex."
|
|
|
|
"Economy."
|
|
|
|
"Sex."
|
|
|
|
"NDP."
|
|
|
|
"Sex."
|
|
|
|
Finally he decides to go all out. "Vagina!"
|
|
|
|
"Saskatchewan."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
What do you call a North Dakotan with a third grade education?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Professor
|
|
|
|
What do you call a north dakotan with a one way plane ticket to MT?
|
|
|
|
|
|
smart
|
|
|
|
What do you call a north dakotan who smells like manure and has sex with
|
|
his mother?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Normal
|
|
|
|
Why are the chinooks (sp) so strong in montana ?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Because North Dakota Sucks
|
|
|
|
note: Chinooks are winds that blow from west to east in the winter, and
|
|
can warm things up alot.
|
|
|
|
What is the best thing coming out of North Dakota?
|
|
|
|
|
|
I 94
|
|
|
|
|
|
That's it. Hope all you Montanas enjoyed.
|
|
>Do you know what they mean in North Dakota when they say Higher
|
|
>Education?
|
|
>
|
|
>When simple addition is taught in a large tractor.
|
|
>
|
|
>Ok, it's not funny.
|
|
|
|
Oh, come on. We can do better than that.
|
|
|
|
What's the North Dakota state tree?
|
|
|
|
The telephone pole.
|
|
|
|
What's the North Dakota state bird?
|
|
|
|
The mosquito.
|
|
|
|
The only thing between North Dakota and the North Pole is a barbed-wire
|
|
fence. Of course, it blew over in the last blizzard.
|
|
|
|
If North Dakota were to seceede from the Union, it would be the third
|
|
largest nuclear power in the world (Minot AFB, Grand Forks AFB; 300
|
|
missles, 35 bombers).
|
|
|
|
North Dakota: So far from Heaven, so close to Montana.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Why is South Dakota so windy?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
because North Dakota blows and Nebraska sucks.
|
|
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
When Custer went into battle, he left from N.D.. His last words were:
|
|
|
|
Don't do anything while I'm Gone.
|
|
|
|
They didn't.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Remember North Dakota is the state that may change its name because
|
|
North souds cold.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day, a forman for a North Dakota landscaping crew was in this
|
|
store (I was just passing through). Periodically, he would shout
|
|
outside "Green side up." I started talking to him about whatever. He
|
|
kept going outside and shouting "Green side up." Finally, after about
|
|
one hour, I asked him about "Green side up." He replied "If I don't
|
|
remind them, they will plant the sod green side down"
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Why is Eastern Montana so brown?
|
|
|
|
THey Hired North Dakotans to lay the sod
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Recently, the Billings (MT) Gazette ran a contest to help the people of
|
|
ND rename there state. Some Entiries (Withoug permission):
|
|
Wear-da-coat-and-da-hata
|
|
Manitscolda
|
|
Zipdacotatup
|
|
Subtopia
|
|
and finally:
|
|
Land of the Frozen Dead
|
|
|