textfiles/humor/JOKES/fortunes.txt

FORTUNES compiled by Stefan Posthuma

Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic,
and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and
promote intellectual crime.

Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
 
Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.

Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...

Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.

Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.

The most powerful force in the world is that of a frisbee
straining to land under a car, just out of reach.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even
when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited
by law.

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.

There are two types of dirt: The dark kind, which is attracted 
to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark
objects.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
larger object.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
to.....to........uh..............

To be or not to be
        -- Hamlet
To be is to do
        -- Hegel
To do is to be
        -- Marx
Do be do be do
        -- Sinatra

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

If anything can go wrong, it will.

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
less." "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words
mean so many different things." "The question is," said Humpty
Dumpty, "which is to be master -- that's all."

Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
Silently scheming,
Sightlessly seeking
Some savage, spectacular suicide.
                -- Stanislaw Lem

Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
scientific mind.  The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
wholly unconcerned with what does exist.  Indeed, the banality of
existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
discuss it any further here.  The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical.  They were
all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
different way......

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
ingenious.

In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
it worse.

Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.

When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Any given program costs more and takes longer.

If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

The bigger the mouth, the easier for the dentist...

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
the programmer who must maintain it.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
want to use it.

It works better if you plug it in.

Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.

The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.

Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another
drink.


If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not
bite you.  This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
                -- Mark Twain

Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
then they  put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
                -- Stanislaw Lem

There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.

1.) If the document should exist, it doesn't.
2.) If the document does exist, it's out of date.
3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first
    two laws.
Probable-Possible, my black hen,
She lays eggs in the Relative When.
She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
Because she's unable to postulate how.
        -- Frederick Winsor

Magpie:  A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone
that it might be taught to talk.

Democracy is also a form of worship.
It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
        -- H. L. Mencken

Peace:  In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
periods of fighting.

Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on
society.
        -- Mark Twain

We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best
friends are trying to kill us.
Do not bend or fold avoid exposure to all magnetic fields...
... so look out for your pacemaker !

The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.

Abstainer:  A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure.

Alliance:  In international politics, the union of two thieves who
have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that
they cannot separately plunder a third.

Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket
or a left.

God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.

Dawn:  The time when people of reason go to bed.

While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you
are safe, for you can watch both of his.

Did you know that clones never use mirrors?

Hippogriff:  An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half
griffin.  The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and
half eagle.  The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of
zoology is full of surprises.

There are four kinds of homicide: Felonious, excusable, justifiable,
and praiseworthy...
        -- Ambrose Bierce

Interpreter:  One who enables two persons of different languages
to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have
been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.

The goal of mechanical engineering is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of genetic engineering is to build better mice.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't,
why you should.

United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the
Christmas season was mared by a proclamation of a general strike of
all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of
all the patriots of every persuasion.
Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over
the world.
        -- Isaac Asimov

Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.

Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm
as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
tellers?

Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
guarantee of eventual success.

It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about
the problem.
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
(Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
but Americans call him by value.

The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.

If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending
machine, you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button,
you'll get ice, but no cup.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.

Those who can't write, write manuals.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it
was to avoid responsibility with?
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
                -- Yiddish saying

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
        (Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"

        On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's
income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less
than $283 on the desk before the cashier.
        "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.
That route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"
        "Well, after three days on that cockamany route, I figured
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street
and worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"




The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the klutz
said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
     "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"
     "How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
people.
                -- W.C. Fields

Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.

Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe
a thing he tells you.

Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.

You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
today.

Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.

You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.

Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.

Truth will be out this morning (Which may really mess things up).

You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a
senior executive.

Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.

Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.

Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the 
computer crashes.

Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and
moving to a new town.

Excellent day to have a rotten day.

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid
enough to worry.

Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.

Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
nails.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble
is they charge fifteen cents for them.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you
get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.

You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to
stop writing.
                -- R. Geis

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
                -- D. J. Hicks
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
none of my business but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
Don't use excessive force in supplying such moron with a period.
Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get
you talked about.
        -- Lazarus Long

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.

Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.

A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?

Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.

Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.

Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.

Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.

Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.

You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.

Surprise due today. Also the rent.

Good day to let down old friends who need help.

Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you
don't have a lucky day this year.

You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time
reading this sort of trash.

Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.

Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.

Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.

Vote for Nobody. Nobody kept us out of war.

Vote for Nobody. Nobody can save the economy.

Vote for Nobody. Nobody can help you have a good time.

Vote for Nobody. Nobody will put a chicken in every pot.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.

Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.

Drive defensively, buy a tank.

Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still
waiting for a dial tone.

UNIX is like sex - if you've tried it, you can't get along
without it, if you haven't you really have no idea what the fuss
is about.


The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library
books!

Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.

Keep the world beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.

I can resist anything but temptation.

Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.

Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.

Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.

Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
    Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.

Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Remember now, no more jokes about eununchs.

Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen
at once.

If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you
bigger hands.

Forgetting your superuser password is just God's way of saying
"BOOGA, BOOGA!"

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.

Q: What's an IBM man-year?
A: 730 people trying to get a project done before noon.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
                Salvador Hardin

"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned
away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission;
or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

Idiot:  A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in
human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.

God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.

If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.

Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and
goes to work.

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
        --Einstein

"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might
be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's
logic!"

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.

There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
        When told this was so,
        He said, "Yes, I know.
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last
line that I can."
"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
harder.
                -- Pope John Paul I

There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I
learn what it is I'll get married again.

Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the mobius strip;
        The strip revolved,
        The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.

Oh, dear, where can the matter be
When it's converted to energy?
There is a slight loss of parity.
Johnny's so long at the fair.



100 blocks of crud on the disk,
100 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
101 blocks of crud on the disk!...

If the odds are a million to one against something occurring,
chances are 50-50 it will.

Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence
of body is better.

Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
coughing.

Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.

Adult: One old enough to know better.

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a
bad example.


Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
the morning.

America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from
barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
                -- John O'Hara

Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.

Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off
your shoes.

Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
pedestrians.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is
shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
                -- Mark Twain

A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as
well as afterward.

"I asked President Reagan what he thought about the IBM PC jr,
and he replied that he didn't believe in abortions"
        - Steve Wozniac

A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from
the poor to protect them from each other.

Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.

Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.

Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
tobacco in between.

Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption
that the other fellow can spell.

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
                -- H. L. Mencken


Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching
his breath is called the listener.

The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people
to eat.
                -- John McNulty

Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
eye.

Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
                -- G. B. Shaw

Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.

Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a
picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
it every six months.
        -- Oscar Wilde

If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that
way.

If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.

If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
it wasn't worth doing.


In any organization there will always be one person who knows
what is going on.
This person must be fired.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought
to be doing.

Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
Boss is reading it.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.

If you hit two keys on the keyboard, the one you don't want
will get to the screen first.

When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
reject the proposal.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem,
you modify the problem, not the remedy.

Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.

The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't
mean he knows what it is.

Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.

Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means
the price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or
"GREAT NEW" means the price went way up.

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door
you're on.

1.  People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
    remind them of someone else.
2.  The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
    be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
    of yourself in person.

All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted
to.

Likelihoods are 90% against you.
Superiority is recessive.

Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're
too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
        "The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out."
Computer Translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is
weak"

When it is possible for programmers to program in English we will
find the programmers cannot write in English.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.

One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that
they never have to stop and answer the phone.

If computers get too powerfull, we can orgranize them into a
committee -- that will do them in.

At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you
will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming
it on the computer.




Stop Dave.
You're hurting me Dave.
Look, I know you're really upset now.
Why don't you sit down and take a stress pill and think things
overrr...

Good morning.
My name is HAL.
My instructors name is Dr. Chandraseknasar.
He has taught me to sing a song.
He name of the song is 'Daisy'
Would you like to hear it <y/n>?

If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.
But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine,
is somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.

Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.




Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal, finding some code that will make the machine do
  some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because
it isn't here.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military  justice is to justice what military music is to music.

The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group
divided by the number of people in the group.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.


Ingrate: A man who bites, the hand that feeds him, and then complains
of indigestion.

Justice: A decision in your favor.

Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
discovered to date.

Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
world has ever seen.

Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.

Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
                -- Mark Twain

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is
called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
                -- Oscar Wilde

Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.

"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to
start with a large fortune."

God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
one, and convert to the next higher units.

Predestination was doomed from the start.

Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a
dark side, and it holds the universe together....

Xerox does it again and again and again and ...

The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.

Love is like a dream - marriage is the alarm clock.

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
                -- Voltaire

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
guarantee them.

What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they
think themselves cleverer than we are.

We have the best politicians money can buy.

People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking
advantage of them.

Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are
willing to go through hell to get it.

Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.

Love is sentimental measles.

Life is like an onion:  you peel off layer after layer, then you
find there is nothing in it.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but
if you really make them think they'll hate you.

I never fail to convice an audience that the best thing they could
do was to go away.

If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we
are headed.

You may be insane, but you're not crazy.

Opinions are like assholes - everyones got one, but nobody wants to
look at the other guy's.
                Hal Hickman

Draft beer, not people

God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.

God is an atheist.

Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
        He chuckled with mirth,
        For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.

Chaste makes waste.

Cunnilingus is next to godliness.

Coito ergo sum

God is not dead -- he's been busted

The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that
the cactus has the pricks on the outside.

Software makes hardware happen.

Hugh Hefner is a virgin.

I came; I saw; I f.cked up
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.

Cleveland still lives. God must be dead.

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of
a world made for man -- who has no gills.

Occident:  The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
It is largely inhabited by Christians,  powerful sub-tribe of the
Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These, also, are the
principal industries of the Orient.

"I've had one child.  My husband wants to have another.  I'd like
to watch him have another."

        I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to
stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
                -- R. Geis



        History has the relation to truth that theology has to
religion -- i.e. none to speak of.
                -- Lazarus Long

...the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the
Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for
bridge.
                -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES 19

There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
        He fell on his cutlass
        Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
        A curious mole
        Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.


A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
        And the cube of its weight
        Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call..

Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
        Let V be virginity
        Approaching infinity;
Let P be a constant persuasion;
"Let V over P be inverted
With the square root of Mu inserted
        N times into V ...
        The result, Q.E.D.,
Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.

A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
        While this worthy had fits
        The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
        Saw a man come along
        And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.

There was a young lad name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
        His father said, "Durcan!
        Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.

There was a young girl named Saphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
        She said, "It's a sin,
        But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"





A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
        But another, more sane,
        Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.


        In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was
without form.  And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So
they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
and it stinks."

        And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."  Now,
the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
before it."  And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
and none may abide by its strength."



        And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
it is very strong."  And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
growth of the Laboratories."

        And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
it was Good!


There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
        So he built him some chicks
        Of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.

There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
        Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
        I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."

There once was a hacker named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
        A virgin named Joan
        From a bible belt home,
Said "This won't be much of a sin."

"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
can't happen."
                -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)

There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
        Because in their haste
        They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.







CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)

Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
        With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when she is grown,
My very own clone,
        We'll be of the opposite sex.

Chorus:
        Clone, clone of my own,
        With the Y chromosome changed to X.
        And when we're alone,
        Since her mind is my own,
        She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.

                -- Randall Garrett

"If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a
candidate."
                -- Jerry Dreshfield

There once was a young man named Gene
who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
it served either sex
And it played with itself inbetween.

Sex is like a bridge game --
If you have a good hand no partner is needed.

        "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought
you didn't believe in God."
        "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears. "but
the God I don't beleive in is a good God, a just God, a merciful
God.  He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
                -- Joseph Heller

A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
  She let herself go
  For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.

Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a
vulture, all will end as doves.

Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.  But what if he
forgets?

Grain grows best in shit
                -- U. K. LeGuin

God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.

White: it is a complexion of the mind.

Are your brains in gear today?

You can't hide anything from a Root.

UNIX error: terminal will explode in 5 seconds. Please evacuate.

Gee, do you work here? 
And I always thought you were so smart!

I have a headache today, leave me alone.

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
                -- Douglas Adams

Why stop now, just when I'm hating it?
                -- Marvin the Paranoid Android

I wish that everyone was as smart as a wyse.

                ATTENTION

This room is equipped with electrical light!

This light can be lit with a switch which usually can 
be found next to the entrance of the room.

  SO DON'T TRY TO LIGHT IT WITH A MATCH.

Electrical light has no influence on nightrest,
functions of hart, liver, lungs of brains.
Electrical light is clean, does not smell and is very silent.

NEWSFLASH

Due to a very strange accident involving a irrational particle
accelerator, a liquid lunch and some rubber bands, (which was very
strange indeed. Many who tried to imitate it ended up looking very
silly or dead or both) Wogon Zarniwoop has become immortal. After
two million years he got so fed up with life and the Universe in
general and he decided to insult the Universe. This means that he
intends to insult every living being. He has equipped himself with
a ship and a computer capable of keeping track of all births and
deaths in the Universe in alphabetical order. He is currently
working on the 'B'.




Important message to all Transporter Users:

The use of the Cyrius Cybernetics Omnifunctional Mark IV Helmet
has become compulsary after the following incident:
A very important delegation of the planet Vl'Hurg was on its way
to an even more important top-meeting between the military leaders
of the planet Gl'gugvunt and Vl'Hurg, which were close to start a
very destructive intergalactic war. The Transporter messed up and
the delegation ended up on the planet Zergrathea. They were
captured and due to a very big communications problem, they were
put in a Zoo under 'rare species'. They did not make it to the
meeting and a intergalactic war started which lasted 27 years and
destructed 15 planets including Gl'gugvunt, Vl'Hurg and Zergrathea.

This is UNIX, the most wellknown programming language/ operating system,
you've never heard of.

I have great news for you !
The program you've been working on for over a year....
has been destroyed by a power dip last night, 3 minutes before your
backup.

So you have to begin all over again...

and maybe it'll work this time....

Unix, Unix, just another Unix.
Maybe this time it'll work.....
                -- Luc Rooijakkers

The difference between XENIX and UNIX;
        If UNIX doen't work well,
        we take good old XENIX back.

Make a fortune with this fortune,
no one else can do that...
not even the author of it.

Why are so many users of UNIX switching to XENIX ??

Nono no fortunes today...

AAAAHHHHHHHRRRRRGGGGGLLLLLLLPPPPPPllllllllllgrrr.......

Stefan was here.

Oh boy, the user is back. Better hide my bits and hope he doesn't
drive me into a deadlock today.

Q Which one doesn't belong in this group ?
    a. Dennie Christian and the marsupulami
    b. Zwangeres zonder naam
    c. Beasty Boys
    d. Sabrina

A Sabrina,  all others wear ear-rings !

Routing, routing, still more routing...

Most bugs surface once a program has been delivered.

You might have mail.

You don't have any mail.

You have lots of mail

Tommy has just caught a mouse