219 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
219 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
From krh@root.co.uk Tue Apr 25 16:38:37 1989
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From: krh@root.co.uk (Kevin Hickman)
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Subject: Re: The old ones are the best.
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Old jokes passed on!
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Q: why did the IEGOC put ice in his condom?
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A: to keep the swelling down.
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Did you hear about the IEGOC who put his comdom on backward? He went.
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POSSIBLE SLOGANS FOR PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOMM WEEK
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over your stump before you hump
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before you attack her, wrap your wacker
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don't be silly, protect your willy
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don't be a loner, cover your boner
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you can't go wrong if you shield your dong
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if you won't sack it, then go home and wack it
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if you think she is spunky, cover your monkey
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it will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
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if you slip between thighs, be sure to condomize
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she won't get sick if you wrap your dick
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if you go into heat, package your meat
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when undressing venus, wrap up your penis
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never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
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wrap in foil before checking her oil
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especially in december, gift-wrap your member
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don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
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the right selection, check your erection
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a crank with armor will never harm her
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when in doubt, shroud your spout.
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Sources say: A Girl's Guide To Condoms
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-- by Mimi Coucher
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WARNING: Boys cannot read this. If you are a boy and are reading this, stop
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immediately. The following article is chock-full of highly intimate girl
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secrets that will be 10 times more embarrassing than any TV commercial for
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feminine-hygiene products you've ever seen. So quit it. I mean it. You'll
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be sorry.
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===============
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Condoms Demystified
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There are basically three kinds of condoms: unlubricated latex, lubricated
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latex, and lambskin. The lambskins are no good because they haven't been
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proven to be a barrier to infection. Anyway, they're really made of lambies
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and that makes us sad, especially around Easter time. (The real reason we
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don't like them is that they actually smell like lamb. One is tempted to
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lubricate them with mint jelly.)
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There are variations on the basic latex condoms. Some condoms are
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prelubricated, with spermicidal jelly, even. Others are not. Strictly
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B.Y.O.K.Y.
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The strangest variation by far is the ribbed latex condom. Why are these
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condoms ribbed? This is supposed to bestimulating? Should one attempt to
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play washboard tunes on it? This is just part of a big problem with
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condoms. Condoms were, and are, designed by men.
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If Girls Designed Condoms...
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What a wonderful world it would be. Skip the ribbing, skip the lube. If
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women designed condoms there is no question that they would be padded.
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"But size doesn't matter!" comes a chorus of voices. (The loudest voices
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come from boys who are peeking. Stop that right now. Turn to the sports
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page immediately.) Sure *lengt* doesn't matter. But give any girl a small
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dose of truth serum and ask her about width.
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Admit it. If padded condoms were placed on the market, hordes of screaming
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women would storm their local druggists and dash out with tote bags full.
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Unfortunately, it wouldn't work. After all, there is that ticklish issue of
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boy sensitivity, which we can't overlook, even if we occasionally want to.
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Padded condoms would rob boys of the skin-to-skin senstion they already
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claim condoms rob them of. And we can't have that.
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No, we modern women, being kind and sensitive lovers, would design
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whisper-soft condoms, completely transparent and microscopically thin. The
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paisley, rainbow, and floral-print condoms we designed would be strictly
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novelty items, kept for special occasions only. Ditto the condoms with cute
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sayings: "Hang in there, baby, Friday's coming"; "My girlfriend went to
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Florida and all I got was this lousycondom"; and the classic "I'm with
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stupid" (arrow pointing back toward the boy). Other specialty items would
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include the male-ego condom, which, like black olives, come in three
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sizes:jumbo, colossal, and humongous. Naughty subversives would enjoy the
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Karen Finley assortment, colorful, decorative condoms that turn ordinary
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penises into bananas, hotdogs, yams, and more.
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But I digress. The best place to buy condoms is your local massive
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drugstore that has them on display, self-serve, just like corn pads or
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athlete's foot spray.
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So go shopping. Dres cool, hold your head high, read labels, make your
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selection. Be assured that most popular brands come with little instruction
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booklets much like the ones found in boxes of Tampax (uh oh --don't mix them
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up!). While at the drugstore, be sure to purchase at least one of the
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following items: Tickle anti-perspirant, Ban Roll-on, or any of the Calvin
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Klein line of men's grooming aids. You'll need these for important condom
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experiments at home.
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At home, be alone. Light candles. Play inspiring music; any record by Rick
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James will do. Remove one of the condoms from its packet. Examine it
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carefully. Then put it to work. Experiment with your slippery new friends;
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whip those sons-of-gummi-worms into shape. Recruit those deodorant bottles
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and practice, practice, practice.
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And how about some new nicknames for the old standbys? Love skins. Slicks.
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Wet suits. Silk stockings. Eight-by-two glossies.
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Soon enough, you'll be happy and relaxed, perfectly in control of those
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silly little slips o' sin. But wait. Something's missing. Oh yes, the
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hard part. I mean the good part. I mean, both.
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The Condomed Man
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It is far, far easier to start them on condoms when the relationship is
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young. In fact, the condom is a terrific tool of seduction when you're
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ready to make the leap etween the sheets. Call that someone on the phone
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and say to him, casual-like, "I just bought a new kind of condom and I'm
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dying to try it out... want to come over?" Or when out on the town with
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your paramour, and the clock on the clubhouse wall says thump thump thump,
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push that hunk against the wall and growl, "Listen, buddy. I've got a
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condom in my pocket and I'm not afraid to use it. We're g oing home."
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Welcome To The Safety Patrol
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Before you know it, you'll be a veritable connoisseur of condoms. You'll
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allow them to drop casually out of your purse in front of attractive men at
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cocktail parties. You'll dispense them to friends, give lessons, perhaps
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even roll your own. "Oh, handsome boyfriend," you'll soon sigh, "I've
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always wanted to see you in rubber."
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And he won't mind one bit.
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MORE CONDOMS
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We've Come A Long Way...
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We thought we were pretty darn smart, all right. In the '60s we became
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liberated and bravely marched into our neighborhood women's-health
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collective, had our blood tested and our bodies examined, and marched out
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armed with a pink carousel of little tablets and a new attitude. We related
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to our sex partners, we discovered the joys of uninhibited physical thrills,
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we took our pills regularly. In the '70s we were sorry for it and went en
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masse to our gynecologists to be fitted for diaphragms. We carried them
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everywhere, became geniuses of delicate timing. We tried IUDs, flirted with
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cervical caps worn at jaunty angles. We researched and discussed the issues
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with candor and aplomb; ask any high-spirited modern girl and she'll tell
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you all about the G-spot, male menopaus, the Hite report, impotence,
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arousal, pregnancy, the Kama Sutra, birth control.
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Ready for the '80s? Hell, we thought we were ready for anything. Anything
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but this. No woman, not even the most avid reader of sex manuals or
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sophisticated connoisseur of amour, is prepared for the experience of
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walking to the corner drugstore and asking the freckle-faced adolescent
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behind the counter for a package of... condoms.
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OLD FACT: Condoms aren't sexy. Neither are rubbers, sheaths, prohylactics,
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Coney Island white fish, raincoats, skins, safes, rubber booties, socks.
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The package says, "Sold for the prevention of venereal disease." The boys
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say, Sold for the prevention of love. Oft compared to taking a bath with
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socks on, the condom ritual was the classic bane to the romantic advances of
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bumbling '50s teens.
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NEW FACT: Unless you can account for all the blood transfusions, intravenous
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activities, and sexual escapades of your partner and your partner's
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partners, you'd best get used to the idea, right now. "Say," you blink
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innocently, "shouldn't the boy be taking some responsibility for this
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dangerous transaction?" Yes, of course. But I wouldn't count on it. You
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know how they are. And here's a horrifying thought: not only are you
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protecting yourself against your partner, you're protecting your partner
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against *you*.
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Oh, cheer up. It beats abstinence.
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Buy Now, Lay Later
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Don't even pretend for one minute that you're never going to do "it" again.
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You will. So brace yourself for the new shopping experience of the '80s.
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First take: you enter a quiet, out-of-the-way drugstore that has a display
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of walkers and bedpans in the window. Confident that no one you know will
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ever spot you here, you stride over to the kindly old pharmacist at the back
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of the store. "Excuse me," you venture a little shakily. "Where are your
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rubbers?" You are gently guided to a Totes display in Aisle Three. To save
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face, you buy a pair of men's size 11s and ditch them in a corner trash can,
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determined to do better next time.
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Second take: the next store you choose is a little larger, and crowded. But
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you can't find the condoms anywhere. There is a line at the cash register.
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You stand in it, patiently, rehearsing your lines. You arrive. "Excuse
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me," you politely whisper to the surly loud-mouthed Iranian behind the
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counter, "where are your prophylactics?" "Right here," he shouts. "What
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kind ya want?" "Uh, Trojans, I guess." "Lubricated or nonlubricated?" he
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bellows. "Ya want ribs? We got the ribs kinds." By this time, the entire
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store is involved in the drama, the crowd behind you is silently hanging on
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your every word, and you're sure that that's your third-grade teacher who
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just walked in. "Oh, uh, skip it, thanks. I'll just tell my little brother
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that he'll have to buy his own."
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Don't be discouraged. Buying condoms is a tough job, but somebody's got to
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do it. And here's a heartening factthat I bet even *you* didn't know, Ms.
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Modern: marketing tests prove that women buy more condoms than men do, and
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have for years. That's why, ever since the late '70s, condom packages have
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featured air-brushed photos of couples holding hands at sunset. They
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thought we'd like that. We don't, but it will have to do till pictures of
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Mick Jagger, Mel Gibson, or beautiful shoes come along.
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--
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Kevin Hickman UniSoft Limited, Saunderson House, Hayne Street, London EC1A 9HH
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krh@root.co.uk ...!mcvax!ukc!root44!krh +44-1-606-7799 FAX: +44-1-726-2750
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