172 lines
6.0 KiB
Plaintext
172 lines
6.0 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
" 'The people of Krikkit,' said His High Judgemental Supremacy,
|
|
Judiciary Pag, L.I.V.R. (the Learned, Impartial, and Very Relaxed),
|
|
Chairman of the Board of Judges at the Krikkit War Crimes Trial, 'are
|
|
well, you know, they're just a bunch of real sweet guys, you know, who
|
|
just happen to want to kill everybody. Hell, I feel the same way some
|
|
mornings.' "
|
|
--- from ELife, the Universe, and EverythingR
|
|
|
|
"What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!"
|
|
--- Chico Marx
|
|
|
|
"Ladies and gentlemen- gentlemen and ladies. Students and faculty-
|
|
faculty and students. I thought my razor was dull until I heard this
|
|
speech."
|
|
--- Grouucho Marx
|
|
|
|
"A demented song I will sing you
|
|
A classic of poetry and wit
|
|
Last night when I went in my bathroom
|
|
I stepped in a big pile of-
|
|
|
|
Shaving cream
|
|
Be nice and clean
|
|
Shave every day and
|
|
You'll always look keen."
|
|
--- Dr. Demento
|
|
|
|
"Let me not criticize a man
|
|
until I have walked a mile in his moccasins."
|
|
--- Indian proverb
|
|
|
|
"I thought you might like to know that I'm feeling very
|
|
depressed."
|
|
--- Marvin the Paranoid Android
|
|
|
|
"Sign at ski resort: 'Laws of gravity strictly enforced.'"
|
|
--- ???
|
|
|
|
"Never wear a hat that has more character than you have."
|
|
--- Michael Harris
|
|
|
|
"Cast your bread upon the waters , and you'll be accused
|
|
of polluting the environment."
|
|
--- Jon Broome
|
|
|
|
"In times like these, remember there have always been
|
|
times like these."
|
|
--- Paul Harvey
|
|
|
|
Albrecht's Analogy: I have a vacuum-tube mind in a solid-state
|
|
world.
|
|
--- George Albrecht
|
|
|
|
Alex's Iron Axiom: Life is the ultimate IQ test.
|
|
--- Alex Fraser
|
|
|
|
Amis's Advice: Go ahead and be different- if you think you
|
|
can stand the beating you'll get.
|
|
--- Jim Amis
|
|
|
|
Ancient Volkswagen Proverb: Anything adjustible will sooner
|
|
or later need adjustment.
|
|
--- The California Aggie
|
|
|
|
Ben's Highway Rule: If you see one Army truck, you'll see
|
|
a hundred more.
|
|
--- Ben Brown, age 6
|
|
|
|
Blay's Discovery: Long-playing recordings scratch, pop, click,
|
|
wobble, and warp in direct proportion to the value placed
|
|
on them by their owners. Hated recordings have built-in
|
|
damage inhibitors and only self-destruct when they are
|
|
passed on to a loving recipient.
|
|
--- Robert E. Blay
|
|
|
|
Boston's Discovery: Cash flow is an oxymoron.
|
|
--- Bruce Boston
|
|
|
|
Brabender's Law: The most inactive player during the World
|
|
Series will be the most active during the club follies.
|
|
--- George Vecsey
|
|
|
|
Brian's Observation: The longer you wait to write a thank-you
|
|
note, the longer it must be.
|
|
--- from Jean Pike
|
|
|
|
Caroline's Law of Dinner Preparedness: When the smoke alarm
|
|
goes off, dinner is served.
|
|
--- Caroline Curtis
|
|
|
|
Chaplin's Rules: [1] The smaller the democracy, the more
|
|
complicated its political system. [2] The newer the
|
|
democracy, the longer its national anthem.
|
|
--- Stephen M. Chaplin
|
|
|
|
Chuck's Law of Contract Negotiations: Travesty is a constant-
|
|
no matter which side of the table you sit on.
|
|
--- Gerald Lee Steese
|
|
|
|
Clarke's Law: Improving something is admirable, but, in-
|
|
evitably, five times zero is still zero.
|
|
--- Dean Travis Clarke
|
|
|
|
Crescimbeni's Rule on Air Travel: Don't be afraid of
|
|
flying; be afraid of crashing!
|
|
--- Joseph Crescimbeni
|
|
|
|
Corporate Morality, Maxim of: Morality moves down the
|
|
corporate ladder, seldom up.
|
|
--- The 59-Second Employee
|
|
|
|
Crock's Law: No matter how large an area you are in,
|
|
if a fly is present, it will land on you.
|
|
--- Terry L. Crock
|
|
|
|
Data Processing Laws [Assorted]: [1] On a clear disk you
|
|
can seek forever. [2] Programs seek to expand themselves
|
|
beyond availible memory. [3] Compatible tapes aren't.
|
|
--- Virginia Beckwith
|
|
|
|
Depuy's Dictates: [1] In any magazine the number of pages
|
|
lacking page numbers is directly proportional to the
|
|
number of advertisements. [2] Most unnumbered pages occur
|
|
in those parts of the magazine to which the reader is
|
|
directed for article continuations.
|
|
--- Raymond H. Depuy
|
|
|
|
DeRock's Law of Dullness: Dullness is directly proportional
|
|
to the number of brown shirts in a crowd.
|
|
--- Doug DeRock
|
|
|
|
Dillon's Rule: The soup de jour is always cream of broccoli.
|
|
--- Janet Dillon
|
|
|
|
Dr. J's Distinction: If they say they love you, trust their
|
|
behavior. If they say they don't love you, trust their
|
|
words.
|
|
--- John H Dickey, Ph.D.
|
|
|
|
Dolan's Law: If a person has had any connection with Harvard
|
|
University of the state of Texas, he will find a way to
|
|
make that known to you during the first 10 minutes of
|
|
your first conversation.
|
|
--- Marty Dolan, from Joseph M. McCabe
|
|
|
|
DuBow's Laws of Attorney-Fee Compensation: [1] Never accept
|
|
a check from a man accused of passing bad ones.
|
|
[2] Never accept cash from a man accused of counterfeiting.
|
|
[3] If your client is a good-looking woman and wants a
|
|
divorce, get your fee in advance.
|
|
--- Myron DuBow
|
|
|
|
Dwyer's Law of Pins: If you unwrap a new article of clothing
|
|
that is secured by n pins, you will remove n-1 pins. And
|
|
that one pin will pierce you in a place that hurts.
|
|
--- Edward J. Dwyer
|
|
|
|
Ensminger's Theory of Multiplication: Trees always drop more
|
|
leaves that they bear.
|
|
--- Jim Ensminger, from John Schaefer
|
|
|
|
Evans' Law of Creation: It is ironic that the most sophisti-
|
|
cated eye in all of nature's creation was given to the
|
|
common housefly- so that it may better sit on your
|
|
potato salad.
|
|
--- James T. Evans
|
|
|
|
Farmer's Law: The easiest crops to grow are weeds and
|
|
pests.
|
|
--- from Thomas Gill
|
|
|