3466 lines
128 KiB
Plaintext
3466 lines
128 KiB
Plaintext
The *BIG* Joke File!
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A selection of jokes from rn that I compiled,hope they brighten your day?!
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A collague of mine is a minor hodge-podge of indie-tehno-manchester-
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rave-on-hopalong-hiphopping "fun" and today he presented me with the
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following...
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REPLIES PLEASE TO cpejpm1@clust.hw.ac.uk
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...and not to me.
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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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I was flying through the sky the other day with some blades of grass
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when I came across this rather interesting publication wearing a
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housecoat ...
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A CHILD'S STORY
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It was a warm summer's evening and little Timmy Tittlemonger, the
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scampering water-rat, was digging a hole to bury a dead wasp he'd
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recently killed with an old cup handle. When all of a sudden, little
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Johnny Humbug The Bumlebee buzzed along in his army jeep made of acorns
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and sesame seeds and powered by buttercup gas.
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"Oh ZZ, Timmy ZZ," cried Johnny Humbug. "You must ZZ help me ZZZ, my
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uncle Tommy Truffles, who as you know is a ZZZ bluebird, has got his
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wing lodged under the pendulously skinned area 'twixt udder and inner
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thigh ZZZ of Old Mrs Plumpton the cow of Willoughby Chase."
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"Oh calamity!" ejaculated Timmy. "I'll bring my oxy-acetylene welding
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equipment made from blueberries and water-lillies, and my helmet from
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strawberry pips and puff pastry, that should do the trick!"
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So off they scampered to the scene of the wing-lodgement incident. No
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sooner had they arrived, when they saw old Farmer Partridge approaching
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the wing-enlodgement area with Randy Old Albert, the breeding bull,
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ready for his Sunday mounting.
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"Oh crikey!" buzzed Johnny Humbug, the buzzy bumblebee. "We must hurry
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in order to effect a clean dislodgement before Old Albert begins to
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service stroke sire."
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They quickly jumped on the back of Young Lenny The Trout's elderberry
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powered helicopter, first checking if he had his pilot's licence made
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from celery leaves and Edam cheese rind, and off they shot, straight to
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the epicentre of the wing-enlodgement brouhaha.
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"Oh, oh!" suggested Uncle Tommy Truffles, the wing-lodged bluebird,
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and they swiftly erected a canopy over the area made famous by the
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wedged wing, in order for them to work in the artificial light of
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cabbage leaf, as it was pleasant to do so.
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After initial scaffolding was completed, they swiftly began to bore
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test-holes in Old Mrs Plumpton's udder, to release pertinant gases and
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salient juices. By this time, Old Albert had begun the bonding ceremony
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and started to raise his hoofs in order to achieve an effective grip on
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old Mrs P.
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There was no time for extra test-drilling, and Little TImmy
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Tittlemonger the water-rat unhesitatingly rammed a sharpened celery
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stalk into the cow's lactic bag.
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"Sploosh!" Out came a torrential gush of gorgeous white spume, tossing
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them to the ground like so many petals from a blossoming cherry tree.
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"Oh lovely!" insisted Uncle Tommy Truffles, the previously wing-lodged
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bluebird. "How can I thank you enough?"
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And they filled their acorn cups with milk from the cow.
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"What queer-tasting milk this is!" challenged Timmy Tittlemonger, and
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by the spent look on Old Albert's face, I think he was probably right,
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wasn't he, children?
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*******************************************************************************
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Courtesy of Reeves and Mortimer torture chambers(orders from repressive
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governments welcome)
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Hope you enjoyed it,
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James
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******************************************************************************
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The guy enters their bedroom bringing his wife a glass of water and
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an asprin.
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She: But dear, I don't have a headache !?
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He: Good, lets fuck then.
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--
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+-------------------------+ +-------------------------+
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| Tom Svaleklev, Sweden >< E-mail: vaxtosv@rks.se |
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+-------------------------+ +-------------------------+
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******************************************************************************
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Seen in a laboratory at the Department of Computer Science in Lyngby, Denmark:
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Statistics prove that 10% of all accidents are caused by drunk people.
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It means that the rest of 90% are caused by people who didn't drink.
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For the sake of your safety, DRINK ALCOHOL!
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Long Haired Nick
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******************************************************************************
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Taoism: Shit happens.
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Confucianism: Confucius say: Shit happens.
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Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
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Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
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Hinduism: This shit happened before.
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Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
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Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
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Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it.
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Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
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New Age: Shit is warm.
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Atheism: Who gives a shit.
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Agnosticism: Maybe.
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******************************************************************************
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You all need to read a long list of truely funny and tasteless
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Jokes!!!!
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=========================================================================
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An Indian brave came up to his chief.
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"Oh Big Chief, why you give us the names you give."
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"Mmmmm. When your cousin was born...I look across and see
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deer leaping in field. I name her `DearLeapingInField'.
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When your brother was born...I look up and see birds flying
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over. I name him birds flying over...Why you ask me this,
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TWODOGSFUCKING."
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====================================================================
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I was talking to my wife about the current financial situation & how she
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would have to make cutbacks...
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Me: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without
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the ironing lady.
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She: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the
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the gardener.
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====================================================================
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This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me.
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I just can't stop having sex!"
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"Well how often do you have it", the doctor asks?
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"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
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"That's not so much", says the doctor.
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"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day"
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replies the man.
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"Well that is probably a bit excessive" says the doctor.
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"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day"
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says the man.
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"Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take
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yourself in hand".
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"I do", says the man. "Twice a day".
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=========================================================================
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52 Good reasons why Beer is Better than Women!!!!
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1. You can enjoy a beer all night long.
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2. Beer stains wash out.
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3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
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4. A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football.
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5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
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6. Beer is never late.
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7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
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8. Hangovers go away
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9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
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10. When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.
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11. Beer never has a headache.
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12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
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13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
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14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
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15. A beer goes down easy.
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16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
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17. You can share a beer with your friends.
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18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
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19. Beer is always wet.
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20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
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21. You can have a beer in public.
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22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
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23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
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24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
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25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
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26. You can't catch social diseases from a beer.
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27. When your interrupted by a beer it's for a good reason.
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28. A beer is always satisfying.
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29. A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.
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30. A beer won't tell you its pregnant for fun.
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31. A beer does not come with inlaws.
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32. No matter what the package, a beer still looks good.
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33. To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice box.
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34. All you have to do to get over a beer is take a leak.
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35. Beer doesn't complain about farting.
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36. The only thing a beer tells you is when its time to go to the bathroom.
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37. You are never embarraessed about the beer you bring to a party.
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38. Its okay to leave a party with a different beer than the one you bought.
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39. Beer won't drive you to drink.
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40. You can shoot a beer.
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41. A beer chaser is easier to catch.
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42. You don't need a license to live with a beer.
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43. A tree is good enough for a beer.
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44. Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't.
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45. Beer doesn't care how much you earn.
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46. Beer and "ice" don't mix.
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47. Beer won't complain about your choice of vacation - it goes along
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happily.
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48. Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.
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49. Beer is happy to ride in the truck of your car.
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50. You never have to promise to respect a beer in the morning.
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51. Beer never complains about a wet spot.
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52. You can put all your old beers together in one room and they won't fight.
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=====================================================================
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There were 3 guys, an Australian, a German and an Englishman. All guys were
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discussing their cars etc.
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The German says "I have a jaguar, and i call it 'pussy' cause it pers like
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a cat."
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The English man says "Well I have a BMW and i call it Concord, cause it
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slices the air while it drives."
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Then the Australian says "Well i've got a Holden, and i call it clitoris"
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The other two guys look at him and ask why he calls his car that
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The Aussie replies " Because every cunt has got one !"
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=======================================================================
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Yet another Mary joke,
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Mary had a little lamb
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It's fleece was very red
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And that was because
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It had a pick axe through its head.
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=====================================================================
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A guy walks into a pub with a pig under his arm, and this pig has a
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wooden leg. The guy orders a beer for himself, and a dish of water
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for the pig. The barman says "No worries mate. Tell me, how did your
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pig there get a wooden leg?"
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The guy replies, "Look mate, this is a bloody fantastic pig. One day
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I was driving home late at night when I fell asleep crashed the car.
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The pig jumped out of the back, set my broken leg, found me water, and
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kept me warm until help arrived. Bloody fantastic pig this."
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And the barman says, "Thats a pretty impressive pig all right, but you
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haven't told me how it got its wooden leg."
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So the guy says, "Listen to this mate. A few weeks ago I was going
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to America for a business trip. Well some idiot opened the plane door
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and I was sucked out. I thought that was the end for me, but far above
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me I saw the pig jump out of the plane. It swam through the air to me,
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strapped on a parachute, landed me in the sea, blew up a rubber raft,
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paddled to shore, hailed a taxi, and got me to my meeting with an
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hour to spare!"
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And the barman says, "Wow! That sure is some pig you have there, but
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you still haven't told me how it got its wooden leg."
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So the guy says, "Listen mate, if you had a pig this good, would you
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eat it all at once?"
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==============================================================
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This guy had a costume party one night. The theme was
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to dress up as an emotion. On the night...
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To a woman dressed all in red...
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"Your dressed as... Anger, your emotion is anger."
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A man painted completely in yellow.
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"Your dressed as...Coward...Fear, your dressed as fear."
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Then a Jamacan friend, from work, turns up. He is as
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naked as the day he was born except for a custard pie placed over
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his crutch.
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"Dexter...Your dressed as... as...Shit mate, what are you dressed
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as?"
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"I'm f**king dis custard, mon." (disgusted)
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================================================================
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Q. HOW DO YOU GET A NUN PREGNANT
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A. FUCK HER!!!!
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Q. How do Irich men get their wives pregnant ???
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A. And you thought the Irish were dumb !!
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Q. WHY DO TAMPONS HAVE SRTINGS??
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A. SO CRABS CAN GO BUNJEE JUMPING!!
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Q. WHAT'S THE DEFINITION OF DISSAPIONTMENT
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A. FUCKING AN 8 YEAR OLD AND SHE SAYS SHES HAD BETTER.
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Q: What noise does a turkey make in space?
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A: Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
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Q: Why did the Hubble cross the road?
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A: To take photos of the chicken.
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Q: How many astronauts does it take to change a lightbulb?
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A: Two. One to unscrew it, and another to install a correcting lens.
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====================================================================
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A sheep grazier has hired some aboriginal farm hands to help him on
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the property, one of whom's wife is pregnant... This aboriginal lady
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gives birth to a white child so the father approaches the property owner
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(who happens to be the only white man) wanting to know what has been going on...
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Aboriginal : Ok, so what's the story, my wife just gave birth to a white
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boy bossman, whyha do this bossman?
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Grazier : I didn't do anything, these things happen, honest they do,
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it's just the way nature works, every so often it happens.
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Aboriginal : No, no, boss, you been foolin with my wife...
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Grazier : Now look here boy, every so often these things happen, look I
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got all these white sheep and every so often ya get a black
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one, it happens...
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Aboriginal : Ok, I'll forget about me boy if you forget about the
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sheep...
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======================================================================
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There was an Australian, American and Irish astronaut all bragging to each
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other about what achievment they would to do in their careers
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The Australian says " I want to be the first Australian to land on the moon"
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The American says " I want to be the first Human being to land on Mars! "
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The Irish astronaut says " I want to be the first human being to land on the
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Sun !"
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The American and Australian shake their heads and exclaim to the irishman
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"You can't land on the sun it's to hot you'll burn up ! "
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The Irishman says " Well I'll go at night then ! "
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===================================================================
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Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A PREGNANT AUSTRALIAN?
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A. A DOPE CARRIER.
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====================================================================
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An Australian woman's car was involved in a motor accident.
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A policeman asked what gear she was in.
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"Can't you see for yourself? I'm wearing a floral dress with
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brown shoes and a matching handbag."
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An Australian woman's car was stalled at the traffic lights.
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After a while a policeman approached her and asked: "Red,
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amber, green, don't any of the colors suit you?"
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An Australian farmer was bragging in the pub that he could get
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in his Holden in the morning and drive all day without reaching
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the boundary of his farm. A New Zealander who could not help
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hearing the remark replied: "Interesting mate. We've got cars
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like that in New Zealand too"
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Q: How do you sink an Australian Submarine?
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A: Knock on the hatch!
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A notice in an Australian police station:
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"Help the Police -- Beat yourself up."
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When will the the Australian police force become sucessful?
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When it catches more criminals than it employs.
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Whats the definition of an australian in a 3 piece suit?
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The defendant.
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Q: Hear about the Australian String Quartet that is visting
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New Zealand at the moment?
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A: There are six members.
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A list of classic pick-up lines
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-------------------------------
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That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed...
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Do you want to see something swell?
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Hey babe....do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
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Drop 'em.
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What do you like for breakfast?
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Is that a double ended dilldo or are you just glad to see me?
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Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
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Hi there! I'm interested in having breakfast with you. Can I call you
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or nudge you?
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Excuse me. Do you wanna f**k or should I apologize?
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Irish : Have you got a little Irish in you?
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She: Uh...no....
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Irish: Well, do you want some?
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Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate
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and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?
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Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
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Wanna fuck like bunnies?
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Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about
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the first thing that pops up?
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I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said:
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Smile if you want to sleep with me
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then watch the victim try to hold back her smile...
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Hi, my name's Ron, how do you like me so far?
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Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us
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---------
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I had a friend give a card that on the front:
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1 2 3 4
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Pick a number
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and then on the back of the card it read:
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Sex maniacs always pick 3
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you wouldn't believe how many women pick 3. It was a great card.
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---------
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You smell wet. Let's Party.
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Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair.
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Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
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Would you like to dance, or should I go fuck myself again?
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Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
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At the office copy machine:
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Reproducing eh? Can I help?
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Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
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-----------
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~From: MAD Magazine: Classic Flops
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Spring 1986.
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9 Very Unsuccessful Pick-up Lines:
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---------------------------------
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1. "Would you like to see my boa constrictor?"
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2. "Is that a false nose?"
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3. "You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno."
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4. "I'm drunk."
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5. "Hi, my friends call me Creepy."
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6. "Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?"
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7. "I just threw up."
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8. "You're ugly but you intrigue me."
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9. "I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed
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like that."
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------------
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Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.
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You look more beautiful than Nurse Chapel
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Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
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I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
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Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say:
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Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize?
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I require a tissue sample. May i sever a little-used portion of your body?
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(brandish forceps)
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Hey, wanna see my R2-D2 impersonation?
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(Think about it...)
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Hey baby...infect me!
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Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a bumper?!?
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Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a trailer hitch?
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Hey baby...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
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Hey baby...can you suck start a Harley?
|
|
|
|
Motion your finger to a girl to get her to come your way.
|
|
When she arrives say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough
|
|
you would c*m."
|
|
|
|
Hey babe, how about a pizza and a f**k?
|
|
What's the matter, don't like pizza?
|
|
|
|
I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting...
|
|
Let's meet sometime...
|
|
|
|
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
|
|
|
|
---------
|
|
|
|
The front reads:
|
|
|
|
+------------------------------------+
|
|
|No Phone No Business|
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
| No Name |
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
|No Address No Money|
|
|
+------------------------------------+
|
|
|
|
And the back reads:
|
|
|
|
+------------------------------------+
|
|
| I'M A SILENT SEDUCER |
|
|
| |
|
|
|Any chance to crawl in the sack with|
|
|
|you tonight? |
|
|
|If so, just keep the card: If not, |
|
|
|kindly return it because they are |
|
|
|expensive. |
|
|
| |
|
|
|I'm not as good as I once was. |
|
|
|But I'm good once as I ever was! |
|
|
| |
|
|
|P.S. You don't have to say yes |
|
|
| Just Smile!|
|
|
+------------------------------------+
|
|
|
|
-------------
|
|
|
|
She (to passing man): Excuse me, do you have the time?
|
|
He: Do you have the energy?
|
|
|
|
What is your favorite position on extramarital sex?
|
|
|
|
Hey babe, Wanna get LUCKY!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
"Say mother! Want another?" (if she has children)
|
|
|
|
Suck my dick or I'll blow your fucking head off. [requires a gun]
|
|
|
|
No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
|
|
|
|
Will you marry me and have my children? [unfortunate side-effects: beware!]
|
|
|
|
If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I want.
|
|
|
|
You're hitchhiking across the Mojave Desert? Alone?
|
|
|
|
I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing
|
|
in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice backrub.
|
|
Are the straps too tight, darling? How tragic. How very, very tragic.
|
|
|
|
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
|
|
|
|
Bond. James Bond.
|
|
|
|
Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.
|
|
|
|
It's absolutely pure Bolivian. And I don't *give* it away.
|
|
|
|
Nothing I can say will ease of the loss of your daughter, but rest
|
|
assured that the Morgenstern Funeral Home will do everything possible
|
|
to bring you peace of mind in this harrowing time.
|
|
|
|
Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me
|
|
to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.
|
|
|
|
You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone
|
|
beat me to it.
|
|
|
|
Excuse me, do you live around here often?
|
|
|
|
Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab
|
|
home together?
|
|
|
|
Would you like to see a baby picture of me?
|
|
(Shows the girl the picture of a baby better endowed that most men.)
|
|
|
|
Hello, Love, - Do you spit or swallow?
|
|
|
|
You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book...
|
|
So what's one more??
|
|
|
|
Hey babe -- did you know I'm on the Harvard Mailing List?
|
|
|
|
Your place, or mine?
|
|
|
|
What's your sign?
|
|
|
|
Nice shoes. Wanna f*ck?
|
|
|
|
Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
|
|
|
|
Excuse me, do you wanna spoon or should I apologize?
|
|
|
|
You have the ass of a great artist.
|
|
|
|
FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS:
|
|
1: MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE IN THE FRONT OF THE PERSON WHO YOU'RE TRYING
|
|
TO ATTRACT.
|
|
2: PUT YOUR HANDS IN A VERTICAL PLANE AND SEPERATE YOUR HANDS TO THE PROPER
|
|
DISTANCE YOU WANT TO GET ACROSS
|
|
3: LOOK AT THE PERSON OF YOUR AFFECTIONS AND WITH A SHIT EATING-EAR TO
|
|
EAR GRIN SHAKE YOUR HEAD UP AND DOWN AS TO REPLY THAT YOU'RE THIS
|
|
BIG!
|
|
|
|
There's the old classic from the movie Fletch:
|
|
(to girl in towel): Excuse me, could I borrow your towel? My car just
|
|
hit a water buffalo.
|
|
|
|
Your face or Mine??
|
|
|
|
Her: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, article of clothing)?
|
|
Him: I like nothing better.
|
|
|
|
The best pickup line I witnessed was a friend of mine who walked up to
|
|
a young lady in a club and asked "Are you ready to go home now?". They left
|
|
together.
|
|
|
|
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
|
|
|
|
That's a nice dress - could I talk you out of it?
|
|
|
|
If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold _IT_ against me?
|
|
|
|
When asked for a match:
|
|
How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
|
|
|
|
Take off that dress and fuck my brains out you cave newt.
|
|
|
|
Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
|
|
|
|
I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.
|
|
|
|
Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
|
|
|
|
Let's take a shower together --you smell.
|
|
|
|
I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade
|
|
|
|
Kiss me you fool, fuck me you harlot.
|
|
|
|
I've got an itch, honey. Lower. lower. in. out.
|
|
|
|
If I was Elvis, would you screw me?
|
|
|
|
I want to thank you for [insert any event here], Grab your ankles bitch!
|
|
|
|
Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess
|
|
your weight.
|
|
|
|
If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me.
|
|
|
|
Want to see my stamp collection?
|
|
|
|
Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't
|
|
floppy.
|
|
|
|
I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
|
|
|
|
I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
|
|
|
|
I'd look good on you.
|
|
|
|
Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you
|
|
knew...
|
|
|
|
At the dinner table, (if you eat together) pickup the bread and say,
|
|
"Wanna roll?"
|
|
|
|
Excuse me, have I fu**ed you yet?
|
|
|
|
I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of something else.
|
|
|
|
Ever tried those wierd prickly condoms?" (sure to get responses)
|
|
|
|
Funny you should mention that, I was a gynecologist once.
|
|
|
|
Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts)
|
|
|
|
Ya' know, that outfit would look great on my bedroom floor.....
|
|
|
|
"Actually, Ma'am, Ah'm not as tall as you think. Ah'm from Taixus, and Ah'm
|
|
sittin' on mah wallet."
|
|
|
|
Hey! Ya wanna try out my new 'Home Artificial Insemination Kit?'
|
|
|
|
I would kill or die to make love to you.
|
|
|
|
I would die happy if I saw you naked just once.
|
|
|
|
I am writing a new algorithm, and I need some test data. What are your
|
|
measurements?
|
|
|
|
I have some hard code I want to try your compiler on.
|
|
|
|
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
|
|
10. "I'm down here"
|
|
9. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy"
|
|
8. "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi"
|
|
7. "I can get you off the naughty list"
|
|
6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys"
|
|
5. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
|
|
4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over
|
|
at Keebler"
|
|
3. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man"
|
|
2. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig"
|
|
1. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners"
|
|
-- Late Night with David Letterman, from Michael Wertheim
|
|
|
|
Sometimes it can be helpful to start with a complement. eg. after
|
|
"accidently" bumping her boobs, noticing a loose button, etc. say
|
|
"If they weren't sooo large it wouldn't have happened"
|
|
|
|
Sex is a killer ... so die happy!
|
|
|
|
I love every bone in your body - especially mine
|
|
|
|
"Hey... somebody farted. Let's get out of here."
|
|
|
|
"Say, Didn't we go to different high schools at the same time?"
|
|
|
|
The most common pick-up line used in a gay bar:
|
|
"May I push in your stool?"
|
|
|
|
I have only three months to live (heard it in a movie ...
|
|
of course, this was all before AIDS)
|
|
|
|
Chicks dig me; I wear colored underwear.
|
|
|
|
Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus?
|
|
|
|
I'm a copilot for American Airlines.
|
|
|
|
Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
|
|
|
|
That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
|
|
|
|
Excuse me... do you have change for a $100 bill?
|
|
|
|
Hi! Can I buy you a Car?
|
|
|
|
NOW, B*TCH!
|
|
|
|
Fancy a fuck?
|
|
|
|
My face is leaving in 15 minutes. Be on it.
|
|
|
|
--------------
|
|
|
|
Lines by women:
|
|
|
|
-- Please may I rest my head on your shoulder?
|
|
|
|
-- Do you know how to use this? [a vibrator]
|
|
|
|
-- How about a night of passion in Doncaster?
|
|
|
|
-----------
|
|
|
|
He: "What was that?"
|
|
She: "What was what?"
|
|
He: "That sound."
|
|
She: "I didn't hear anything."
|
|
He: "It was the sound of my heart breaking."
|
|
|
|
---------
|
|
|
|
There's always Harlan Ellison's great failure:
|
|
|
|
Q: Wha'dya say to a little fuck?
|
|
A: Go away, little fuck.
|
|
|
|
-----------
|
|
|
|
How about the best response to an unwanted pickup?
|
|
|
|
Man: So what do you do for a living?
|
|
Woman: Female impersonator.
|
|
|
|
----------
|
|
|
|
You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across.....
|
|
|
|
-----------end of list-------------
|
|
Female to guy:
|
|
|
|
Hi, you look like a real wanker.
|
|
(pause for effect)
|
|
|
|
Want a break tonight?
|
|
|
|
The guys usually spend so much time trying to convince you that they're not a
|
|
"wanker" (that ego thingy) that in the end they are trying to pick *you* up!!!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
And I would like to thank you for your support
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
THE CANONICAL LIST OF SORORITY GIRL JOKES
|
|
What's a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
|
|
Her ankles.
|
|
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
|
|
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
|
|
You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
|
|
You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.
|
|
How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike?
|
|
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in
|
|
the gutter and they always come back for more.
|
|
What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers ?
|
|
Sorority girls cost less per score.
|
|
What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
|
|
About 40 lbs.
|
|
How do you equalize the two?
|
|
Feed the elephant.
|
|
What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
|
|
Introduce herself.
|
|
Walks home.
|
|
What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
|
|
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
|
|
How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
|
|
She drops her nail file.
|
|
What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?
|
|
"Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi."
|
|
What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
|
|
Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...
|
|
Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
|
|
'Cause everyone gets a turn.
|
|
How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
|
|
Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie on
|
|
the bed.
|
|
Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
|
|
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
|
|
What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
|
|
Garbage gets taken out once a week.
|
|
What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
|
|
Bay of Pigs.
|
|
What do you call a sorority girl hang-glider festival?
|
|
Multiple total eclipses.
|
|
What is a sorority girl's mating call...
|
|
"I'm soooo drunk, I'm sooooo drunk!"
|
|
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
|
|
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.
|
|
What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
|
|
Nothing. There are some things a sorority girl won't do.
|
|
I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people.
|
|
I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it does't stop until it
|
|
gets blood.
|
|
1) Tri Delts; I'm sure everyone else has.
|
|
2) If your date won't, Tri Delts.
|
|
3) Once you've tried everyone else, Tri Delts.
|
|
__________ __________
|
|
\ / /\ \ /
|
|
\ / / \ \ /
|
|
\ / / \ \ /
|
|
\ / / \ \ /
|
|
\/ /________\ \/
|
|
Tri Delts: Two out of three go down.
|
|
What do fraternity boys call hemorrhoids ?
|
|
Speed bumps.
|
|
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog ?
|
|
Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.
|
|
How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy.
|
|
7, one to change it and six to go out and buy Tab (or diet Coke).
|
|
65, 1 to do it and 64 to sing and clap.
|
|
One. She holds on to it and the world revolves around her.
|
|
Six. One to screw it in and five to make the T-shirts.
|
|
Ten. Nine to stand around scratching their heads, and one to
|
|
get her boyfriend to do it.
|
|
Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks?
|
|
She's been laid all over the country.
|
|
What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
|
|
"Attention K-mart shoppers"
|
|
Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
|
|
So she can fantasize about shopping.
|
|
What is a sorority girl's favorite sexual position?
|
|
Facing Bloomingdale's.
|
|
What's the difference between Jell-o and a sorority girl?
|
|
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
|
|
What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
|
|
The Dead Sea
|
|
Lake Michigan
|
|
Lake Placid
|
|
How can you tell if a sorority girl's a nymphomaniac?
|
|
She'll make love the same day she has her hair done.
|
|
What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth?
|
|
No makeup.
|
|
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a barracuda?
|
|
Nail polish.
|
|
How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
|
|
Marry her.
|
|
Whats the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet?
|
|
Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once
|
|
What's the difference between a telephone booth and a sorority girl?
|
|
You don't need a quarter for the sorority girl.
|
|
Only one person can use a telephone at once.
|
|
What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
|
|
A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
|
|
What's the difference between a sorority girl and garbage?
|
|
Garbage smells better.
|
|
Sorority girl attract more flies.
|
|
What' the difference between a sorority girl and a vacuum cleaner?
|
|
Nothing. They both suck.
|
|
You can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it.
|
|
You can buy a new vacuum when it no longer sucks.
|
|
When a vacuum cleaner is full of sh*t, its easy to dump the old bag.
|
|
A vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
|
|
How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?
|
|
Tell them there's a rich guy sitting on it.
|
|
Turn the chair upside down and put one sorority girl on each leg.
|
|
What's the difference between a tribe of sly pygmies and a
|
|
sorority girl track team?
|
|
The tribe of sly pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts.
|
|
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a rooster?
|
|
In the morning a rooster says "cock-a-doodle-doo", while a
|
|
sorority girl says "any-cock'll-do"
|
|
Why does a sorority girl wear underwear?
|
|
To keep her ankles warm.
|
|
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Rolls Royce?
|
|
Not everybody has been in a Rolls Royce.
|
|
What does the Bermuda Triangle and Sorority girls have in common?
|
|
They both swallow semen.
|
|
What do you call 24 sorority girls walking down the street?
|
|
A case of Schlitz.
|
|
What's the difference between a sorority girl and parsley?
|
|
You don't eat parsley.
|
|
Why are a sorority girl and a tampon similar?
|
|
They are both stuck up cunts.
|
|
What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in?
|
|
"Have another beer."
|
|
What does a sorority girl make for dinner?
|
|
Reservations.
|
|
Why does a sorority girl wear a gold diaphragm?
|
|
So her boyfriend will think he is coming into money.
|
|
What is foreplay for a sorority girl?
|
|
Thirty minutes of begging.
|
|
What did the sorority girl say when she knocked over a priceless Ming vase?
|
|
Oh, Daaaaddy, it's ok, I'm not hurt.
|
|
What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a
|
|
sorority girl?
|
|
A prostitute says "Are you done yet?", a nymphomaniac says "You're done
|
|
already?", and a sorority girl says "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling
|
|
beige...."
|
|
|
|
|
|
BUMPER STICKERS
|
|
|
|
Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
|
|
|
|
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
|
|
|
|
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
|
|
|
|
My karma ran over your dogma.
|
|
|
|
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
|
|
|
|
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
|
|
|
|
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
|
|
|
|
It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
|
|
|
|
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
|
|
|
|
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
|
|
|
|
My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to
|
|
leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
|
|
|
|
I is a university student.
|
|
|
|
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
|
|
|
|
Beer isn't just for breakfast anymore.
|
|
|
|
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
|
|
|
|
Eschew obfuscation.
|
|
|
|
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of
|
|
a milk carton.
|
|
|
|
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
|
|
|
|
Is there life before coffee?
|
|
|
|
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
|
|
|
|
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
|
|
|
|
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
|
|
|
|
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
|
|
|
|
I Cayman went.
|
|
|
|
My other wife is beautiful.
|
|
|
|
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
|
|
|
|
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
|
|
|
|
Nuke the unborn baby gay whales for Christ.
|
|
|
|
Geez if you love Honkus.
|
|
|
|
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
|
|
|
|
There is one in every crowd, and they always find me.
|
|
|
|
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
|
|
|
|
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
|
|
|
|
Just when you think you've won the rat race, along come
|
|
faster rats.
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|
|
|
If it's too loud, you're too old.
|
|
|
|
Wink, I'll do the rest.
|
|
|
|
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
|
|
|
|
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one
|
|
blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
|
|
|
|
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the
|
|
value of nothing.
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did the first koala fall out of the tree?
|
|
A: It was dead!
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
|
|
A: The first one hit it on the way down.
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
|
|
A: It thought suicide was in so it jumped!
|
|
|
|
Q: Why do platypuses (those fury things that live in the water) have
|
|
flat beaks?
|
|
A: Koalas keep falling on them!
|
|
A list of limericks:
|
|
|
|
There once was a man from Namtucket,
|
|
Who had a dick so long he could suck it.
|
|
He said with a grin,
|
|
As he whiped off his chin,
|
|
If my ear was a cunt I could Fuck it.
|
|
|
|
There once was a rabbi named Kieth,
|
|
He used to circumsize boys with his teeth.
|
|
It was not for his liesure,
|
|
Or for sexual pleasure,
|
|
But for the cheese undernieth.
|
|
|
|
There once was a woman from Silesia,
|
|
Who said "Well if my cunt won't please ya',
|
|
Why don't you cum up my slimy old bum,
|
|
But watch that my tape worm don't seize ya'"
|
|
|
|
There once was a cowgirl from Dallas,
|
|
Who f**ked herself with a 14'' phallus.
|
|
Her boyfriend came in,
|
|
And shoved it right in,
|
|
I geuss he was probably jelous.
|
|
|
|
Nymphomaniac Jill
|
|
Tryed a dynimite stick for a thrill.
|
|
They found her vigina in North Carolina,
|
|
And bits of her tits in Brazill.
|
|
|
|
|
|
> TYPE OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MENS ROOM
|
|
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
> DRUNK : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants
|
|
|
|
I thought this was:
|
|
|
|
Opens fly and pulls the old fella out. Sees two, so puts one back and
|
|
pisses his pants.
|
|
=====================================================================
|
|
Subject: Ag Science students.
|
|
|
|
|
|
There were these 3 Ag Science students driving along this old farm
|
|
road on day when they saw this farm, pulled in and knocked
|
|
on the farmers door.
|
|
The farmer answered the door and the 3 students introduced themselves and
|
|
said, "We were just passing by and saw your field of buttercups and was
|
|
wondering if we could go and get us a bucket full of butter"?
|
|
The old farmer scratched his head and said, " you boys ain't gonna get no
|
|
butter from buttercups but your more than welcome to try".
|
|
About an hour later the 3 came back thanked the farmer and drove off with
|
|
their bucket full of butter. The farmer once again scratched and shook his
|
|
head, mumbled under his breath about, "Them damn uni students" and went on about
|
|
his business.
|
|
About 3 months later the same 3 students came up to the farm,
|
|
knocked on the door and asked the farmer if he remembered them. He
|
|
chuckled and asked what he could do for them this time?
|
|
Well, one of them said. We were just driving by and happened to see
|
|
you now have a field of milkweed and we were wondering if we could go
|
|
out and get us a bucket of milk?
|
|
Once again the old farmer chuckled, shook his head, scratched it
|
|
and sarcastically said, "You boys go on out there and get your milk
|
|
from my milkweeds".
|
|
Once again, bout an hour later the 3 came back with their bucket
|
|
FULL of milk and drove off. This time the farmer was really confused,
|
|
but just a little less skeptical.
|
|
It was about 3 or 4 months later when the 3 agricultural students
|
|
came back and again knocked on the farmers door, this time saying that
|
|
they were driving by and saw the field full of PUSSYwillows.
|
|
Needless to say the farmer went with them.
|
|
|
|
What do all the female deer do when the male deer are off with Santa Claus?
|
|
|
|
Go into town and blow a few bucks!
|
|
======================================================================
|
|
THE LATEST AND GREATEST AS COMPILED ON 18th October 1991,
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes (167)
|
|
--------------------------------------
|
|
Revision 3.8
|
|
|
|
1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
|
|
A: Gifted!
|
|
|
|
2. Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
|
|
A: Alone.
|
|
|
|
3. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
|
|
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
|
|
|
|
4. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
|
|
A: Artificial intelligence.
|
|
|
|
5. Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
|
|
A: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
|
|
|
|
6. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
|
|
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
|
|
|
|
7. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
|
|
A: She'd just dyed her hair.
|
|
|
|
8. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
|
|
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it
|
|
blown around too much.
|
|
|
|
9. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
|
|
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
|
|
|
|
10. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
|
|
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
|
|
|
|
11. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
|
|
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
|
|
|
|
12. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
|
|
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
|
|
|
|
13. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
|
|
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
|
|
|
|
14. Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
|
|
A: There's white-out on the screen.
|
|
|
|
15. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
|
|
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
|
|
|
|
16. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
|
|
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they
|
|
go down on you.
|
|
|
|
17. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
|
|
A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....
|
|
|
|
18. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
|
|
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
|
|
|
|
19. Q: How do you kill a blonde?
|
|
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
|
|
|
|
20. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
|
|
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
|
|
|
|
21. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
|
|
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
|
|
little packages.
|
|
|
|
22. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their
|
|
head?
|
|
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
|
|
|
|
23. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
|
|
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
|
|
|
|
24. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
|
|
A: They can't find the zipper.
|
|
|
|
25. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
|
|
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
|
|
|
|
26. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more
|
|
attractive?
|
|
A: Her ankles.
|
|
|
|
27. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
|
|
A: Because red means stop.
|
|
|
|
28. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
|
|
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
|
|
|
|
29. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
|
|
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
|
|
|
|
30. Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
|
|
A: They chip their teeth.
|
|
|
|
31. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
|
|
A: They make good ankle warmers.
|
|
|
|
32. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
|
|
A: Remove their underwear.
|
|
|
|
33. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
|
|
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
|
|
|
|
34. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
|
|
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
|
|
|
|
35. Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
|
|
A: "All the blondes have gone home!"
|
|
|
|
36. Q: What's a brunette's mating call ?
|
|
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
|
|
|
|
37. Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
|
|
A: "Next!"
|
|
|
|
38. Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax
|
|
now in effect in Canada)
|
|
A: Because they can spell it.
|
|
|
|
39. Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
|
|
A: 69 plus G.S.T.
|
|
|
|
40. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
|
|
A: Toes go in first.
|
|
|
|
41. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
|
|
A: Tits go in front.
|
|
|
|
42. Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
|
|
A: "Have another beer."
|
|
|
|
43. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning ?
|
|
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
|
|
|
|
44. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
|
|
A1: Introduces themself.
|
|
A2: Walks home.
|
|
|
|
45. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
|
|
A: Fertilised.
|
|
|
|
46. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
|
|
A: Unfertilised.
|
|
|
|
47. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
|
|
A: Opens the car door.
|
|
|
|
48. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex ?
|
|
A: Kick open the car door.
|
|
|
|
49. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
|
|
A: More head room.
|
|
|
|
50. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
|
|
A: More leg room.
|
|
|
|
51. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
|
|
A: Bucket seats.
|
|
|
|
52. Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
|
|
A1: Thanks Guys.
|
|
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
|
|
A3: Do you guys all play for the Swans?
|
|
|
|
53. Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before
|
|
having sex?
|
|
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
|
|
|
|
54. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
|
|
A: *Who cares?*
|
|
|
|
55. Q: Why do blonds have orgasms ?
|
|
A: So they know when to stop having sex !
|
|
|
|
56. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm????
|
|
A1: She drops her nail-file!!!
|
|
A2: Who cares?
|
|
A3: She say 'Next'
|
|
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
|
|
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes
|
|
A6: I mean, who really cares?
|
|
A7: The batteries have run out.
|
|
|
|
57. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
|
|
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
|
|
|
|
58. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
|
|
A: Data transfer.
|
|
|
|
59. Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
|
|
A: Because they don't know any better.
|
|
|
|
60. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
|
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
|
|
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
|
|
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
|
|
|
|
61. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
|
|
A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"
|
|
|
|
62. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
|
|
A1: They both have a black box.
|
|
A2: Both have a cockpit.
|
|
|
|
63. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
|
|
A: Not everyone has been in a 747
|
|
|
|
64. Q: What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth?
|
|
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
|
|
|
|
65. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
|
|
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
|
|
|
|
66. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
|
|
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
|
|
|
|
67. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
|
|
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
|
|
|
|
68. Q: What will she ask you?
|
|
A: "Is it mine?"
|
|
|
|
69. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
|
|
blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.
|
|
Who picks it up?
|
|
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus,
|
|
the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
|
|
|
|
70. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
|
|
A: To see what was on the other side.
|
|
|
|
71. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
|
|
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
|
|
|
|
72. Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
|
|
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
|
|
|
|
73. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
|
|
A: Because it kept falling out.
|
|
|
|
74. Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
|
|
A: Wishful Thinking.
|
|
|
|
75. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
|
|
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
|
|
|
|
76. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
|
|
ground first?
|
|
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
|
|
|
|
77. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
|
|
A: Her IQ goes up!
|
|
|
|
78. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
|
|
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
|
|
|
|
79. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
|
|
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
|
|
|
|
80. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
|
|
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
|
|
|
|
81. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
|
|
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
|
|
|
|
82. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
|
|
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
|
|
|
|
83. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
|
|
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
|
|
|
|
84. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
|
|
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
|
|
|
|
85. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
|
|
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
|
|
|
|
86. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly
|
|
pygmies?
|
|
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts ...
|
|
|
|
87. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
|
|
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
|
|
|
|
88. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
|
|
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
|
|
|
|
89. Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and
|
|
a terrorist?
|
|
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
|
|
|
|
90. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
|
|
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it
|
|
won't follow you around for a week.
|
|
|
|
91. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common ?
|
|
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
|
|
|
|
92. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
|
|
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
|
|
|
|
93. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
|
|
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
|
|
|
|
94. Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common?
|
|
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
|
|
|
|
95. Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
|
|
A: They both have black roots.
|
|
|
|
96. Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?
|
|
A: So she could lip read.
|
|
|
|
97. Q: How do you drown a blond?
|
|
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
|
|
|
|
98. Q: How do you drown a blonde?
|
|
A: Don't tell her to swallow.
|
|
|
|
99. Q: Why did the blonde chick drown in the pool ?
|
|
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
|
|
|
|
100. Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?
|
|
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
|
|
|
|
101. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
|
|
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
|
|
A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
|
|
|
|
102. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
|
|
A: Proofreading.
|
|
|
|
103. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
|
|
A: For throwing out the W's.
|
|
|
|
104. Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
|
|
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
|
|
|
|
105. Q: What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date.
|
|
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
|
|
|
|
106. Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
|
|
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
|
|
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
|
|
|
|
107. Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
|
|
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
|
|
|
|
108. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
|
|
A: She threw it off a cliff.
|
|
|
|
109. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
|
|
puzzle in only 6 months?
|
|
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
|
|
|
|
110. Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
|
|
A: "Nice tits!"
|
|
|
|
111. Q: How does a blonde high-5?
|
|
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
|
|
|
|
112. Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
|
|
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
|
|
|
|
113. Q: Why do blondes have legs?
|
|
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
|
|
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
|
|
A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.
|
|
|
|
114. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around
|
|
and come home?
|
|
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a
|
|
television.
|
|
|
|
115. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
|
|
A: The Blonde!
|
|
|
|
116. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
|
|
A: Flattered.
|
|
|
|
117. Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
|
|
A: They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.
|
|
|
|
118. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked
|
|
up by 'the fuzz'?
|
|
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
|
|
|
|
119. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
|
|
A: An interpreter.
|
|
|
|
120. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
|
|
A: A mental block.
|
|
|
|
121. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
|
|
A: A wind tunnel.
|
|
|
|
122. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
|
|
A: A dope ring.
|
|
|
|
123. Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
|
|
A: Sweet Fuck All...
|
|
|
|
124. Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
|
|
A: Frosted Flakes.
|
|
|
|
125. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
|
|
A: Frosted Flakes.
|
|
|
|
126. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
|
|
A: Last year's hide-and-seek champ.
|
|
|
|
127. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
|
|
A: A Space Invader.
|
|
|
|
128. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
|
|
A: Branch Manager.
|
|
|
|
129. Q: What do you call a smart blond?
|
|
A: A labrador.
|
|
|
|
130. Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
|
|
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
|
|
|
|
131. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
|
|
A: "Oh look! Doughnut seeds!"
|
|
|
|
132. Q: Why do blonds have two more brain cells than a cow ?
|
|
A: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
|
|
|
|
133. Q: Why don't blonds breast feed?
|
|
A: Because they always burn their nipples.
|
|
|
|
134. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
|
|
A: To cover up the valve stem.
|
|
|
|
135. Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
|
|
A: Spot.
|
|
|
|
136. Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
|
|
A: Air Supply.
|
|
|
|
137. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
|
|
A: The back of her head.
|
|
|
|
138. Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
|
|
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
|
|
|
|
139. Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
|
|
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !
|
|
|
|
140. Q: Why did God create blondes?
|
|
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
|
|
|
|
141. Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
|
|
A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
|
|
|
|
142. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
|
|
A: A blond electrician
|
|
|
|
143. Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
|
|
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
|
|
A2: Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
|
|
|
|
144. Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde ????
|
|
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
|
|
|
|
145. Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
|
|
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
|
|
|
|
146. Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
|
|
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
|
|
|
|
147. Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
|
|
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
|
|
|
|
148. Q: Why do blondes have periods?
|
|
A: They deserve them
|
|
|
|
149. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
|
|
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
|
|
|
|
150. Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
|
|
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
|
|
|
|
151. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
|
|
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
|
|
|
|
152. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
|
|
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
|
|
|
|
153. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see
|
|
where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.
|
|
|
|
|
|
154. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw
|
|
a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute,
|
|
she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
|
|
|
|
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
|
|
"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she
|
|
had cleaned 43 restrooms.
|
|
|
|
|
|
155. How about the suicide blonde,
|
|
she dyed by her own hand.
|
|
|
|
|
|
156. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette
|
|
says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops,
|
|
looks up, and says, "Where?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
157. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
|
|
wrong way on a one-way street.
|
|
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
|
|
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
|
|
people were leaving.
|
|
|
|
|
|
158. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
|
|
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
|
|
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
|
|
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
|
|
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
|
|
"May I have your car insurance?"
|
|
"What's that?..."
|
|
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
|
|
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
|
|
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde
|
|
exclaims:
|
|
"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
159. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we
|
|
could do without the ironing lady.
|
|
Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do
|
|
without the gardener.
|
|
|
|
|
|
160. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
|
|
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
|
|
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
|
|
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
|
|
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
|
|
|
|
|
|
161. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
|
|
them decides to call 911:
|
|
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing
|
|
a light bulb.
|
|
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
|
|
Blonde: Yes.
|
|
Operator: The power in the house in on?
|
|
Blonde: Of course.
|
|
Operator: And the switch is on?
|
|
Blonde: Yes, yes.
|
|
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
|
|
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
|
|
Operator: Then what's the problem?
|
|
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
|
|
we all fell and hurt ourselves.
|
|
|
|
|
|
162. What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
|
|
He wanted to know who the other man was...
|
|
|
|
|
|
163. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead,
|
|
and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and
|
|
estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to
|
|
try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really
|
|
tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired
|
|
to go on, so she drowned.
|
|
|
|
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it.
|
|
I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and
|
|
starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more
|
|
endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even
|
|
got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
|
|
|
|
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think
|
|
I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles,
|
|
15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight,
|
|
but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
|
|
|
|
|
|
164. This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when
|
|
the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull
|
|
you finger out, I'll sink?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
165. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down
|
|
and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks
|
|
and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No.
|
|
Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one
|
|
half hour later they were both killed by a train.
|
|
|
|
166. The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what
|
|
was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her.
|
|
Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about
|
|
the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and
|
|
suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook"
|
|
|
|
167. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
|
|
their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
|
|
|
|
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
|
|
|
|
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
|
|
to rain and the top is down!
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
|
|
A: A good start!
|
|
|
|
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
|
|
A: His lips are moving.
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
|
|
in the road?
|
|
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
|
|
|
|
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
|
|
A: Professional courtesy.
|
|
|
|
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
|
|
A: Not enough sand.
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
|
|
A: Cut the rope.
|
|
|
|
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
|
|
A1: Take your foot off his head.
|
|
A2: No.
|
|
Good!
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
|
|
A: The bucket.
|
|
|
|
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
|
|
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
|
|
|
|
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
|
|
A: There was an empty seat.
|
|
|
|
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
|
|
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
|
|
A: An offer you can't understand
|
|
|
|
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
|
|
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
|
|
|
|
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
|
|
A. In the cemetary
|
|
|
|
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
|
|
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
|
|
|
|
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
|
|
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
|
|
|
|
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
|
|
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
|
|
|
|
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
|
|
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
|
|
|
|
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
|
|
|
|
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
|
|
A: It might be your bicycle.
|
|
|
|
----
|
|
Longer Jokes:
|
|
----
|
|
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
|
|
The housewife replies: "Four!".
|
|
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run
|
|
those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
|
|
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
|
|
voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
|
|
-----
|
|
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
|
|
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain
|
|
offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
|
|
"How much for Engineer brain?"
|
|
"3 dollars an ounce."
|
|
"How much for <other generic proffesion> brain?"
|
|
"4 dollars an ounce."
|
|
"How much for lawyer brain?"
|
|
"100 dollars an ounce."
|
|
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
|
|
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
|
|
-----
|
|
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
|
|
living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
|
|
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
|
|
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
|
|
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
|
|
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
|
|
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
|
|
whorehouse."
|
|
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
|
|
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
|
|
answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
|
|
an explanation.
|
|
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a
|
|
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
|
|
-----
|
|
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
|
|
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise,
|
|
St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where
|
|
the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis-
|
|
tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the
|
|
line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't
|
|
mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
|
|
|
|
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed
|
|
your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
|
|
----
|
|
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-
|
|
scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
|
|
was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice,
|
|
"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20
|
|
more of them."
|
|
-----
|
|
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
|
|
it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
|
|
thief go first, and the executioner follow."
|
|
-----
|
|
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
|
|
had solved her legal troubles.
|
|
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
|
|
money there has been only one answer to that question."
|
|
----------
|
|
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
|
|
After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
|
|
professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly
|
|
station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
|
|
to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
|
|
Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a
|
|
huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
|
|
announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until
|
|
the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting
|
|
a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight
|
|
once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear
|
|
more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with
|
|
Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the
|
|
Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.
|
|
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the
|
|
deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I,
|
|
spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
|
|
|
|
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow,
|
|
this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many
|
|
times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can
|
|
get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because
|
|
he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
|
|
-----
|
|
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
|
|
trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back
|
|
to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
|
|
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that
|
|
dirty lawyer of mine."
|
|
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you
|
|
want to have him arrested for ?"
|
|
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay
|
|
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
|
|
-----
|
|
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man
|
|
of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
|
|
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
|
|
-----
|
|
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
|
|
defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
|
|
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a
|
|
jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
|
|
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a
|
|
dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
|
|
|
|
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed
|
|
the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10
|
|
minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury
|
|
went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home,
|
|
and everyone waited.
|
|
|
|
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and
|
|
sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the
|
|
verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they
|
|
got a verdict yet?"
|
|
|
|
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still
|
|
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
|
|
------
|
|
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?",
|
|
someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
|
|
----------
|
|
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
|
|
grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
|
|
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
|
|
grave?"
|
|
|
|
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
|
|
|
|
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
|
|
-----
|
|
The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
|
|
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
|
|
----
|
|
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to
|
|
cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says
|
|
"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
|
|
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
|
|
descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't
|
|
tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry
|
|
yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And
|
|
the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet
|
|
up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must
|
|
be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says
|
|
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
|
|
useless".
|
|
|
|
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still
|
|
worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink,
|
|
and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists
|
|
Soaked by Lawyer".
|
|
----
|
|
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
|
|
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed
|
|
an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an
|
|
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
|
|
then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
|
|
|
|
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
|
|
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
|
|
and the baby would have my name!"
|
|
|
|
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
|
|
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
|
|
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
|
|
-----
|
|
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
|
|
once and for all.
|
|
|
|
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think
|
|
you're going to find a lawyer?"
|
|
-----
|
|
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
|
|
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
|
|
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the
|
|
other three are mythological creatures.
|
|
----------
|
|
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
|
|
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
|
|
would like on it.
|
|
|
|
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
|
|
|
|
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
|
|
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
|
|
However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
|
|
|
|
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
|
|
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
|
|
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
|
|
-----
|
|
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously,
|
|
"can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
|
|
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
|
|
-----
|
|
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to
|
|
another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
|
|
lawyers for our experiments?"
|
|
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
|
|
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more
|
|
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to
|
|
them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However,
|
|
sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings."
|
|
----
|
|
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to
|
|
which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer
|
|
would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to
|
|
spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods
|
|
section of Maine.
|
|
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with
|
|
him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
|
|
Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in
|
|
the great outdoors.
|
|
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to
|
|
pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry
|
|
patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along
|
|
came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
|
|
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His
|
|
friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
|
|
swallowed him whole.
|
|
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and
|
|
got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed
|
|
back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
|
|
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
|
|
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of
|
|
lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his
|
|
friend.
|
|
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
|
|
took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
|
|
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
|
|
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
|
|
that the Czech was in the Male?"
|
|
----------
|
|
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
|
|
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green
|
|
came over to see him.
|
|
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
|
|
court when you accused me of malpractice."
|
|
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
|
|
it be?"
|
|
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
|
|
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
|
|
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
|
|
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
|
|
"What are you talking about?"
|
|
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
|
|
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
|
|
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
|
|
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
|
|
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
|
|
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
|
|
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
|
|
Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.
|
|
Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it
|
|
when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an
|
|
Excedrin headache?'
|
|
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
|
|
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
|
|
"Why are you reading that to me?"
|
|
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
|
|
a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
|
|
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
|
|
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
|
|
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
|
|
"Then get me another doctor."
|
|
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
|
|
after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
|
|
This is the only place that I can practice."
|
|
"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally
|
|
appeal your case to a higher court."
|
|
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for
|
|
a kidney stone."
|
|
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
|
|
looking at him."
|
|
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
|
|
you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
|
|
into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher
|
|
of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
|
|
to be in a lot of pain.' "
|
|
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
|
|
ounce of Demerol?"
|
|
"I better check you out first."
|
|
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
|
|
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
|
|
examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't
|
|
do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
|
|
"What for?"
|
|
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
|
|
and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
|
|
"I'm not going to sue you."
|
|
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
|
|
after you pass the kidney stone?"
|
|
----------
|
|
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
|
|
|
|
The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a
|
|
glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world,
|
|
nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in
|
|
Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
|
|
Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All
|
|
the others are quite impressed.
|
|
|
|
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to
|
|
smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas,
|
|
nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much
|
|
of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack
|
|
of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
|
|
|
|
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the
|
|
Lawyer through it...
|
|
--------
|
|
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
|
|
and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
|
|
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to
|
|
demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,
|
|
"Absolutely."
|
|
|
|
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
|
|
|
|
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys
|
|
don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the
|
|
shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
|
|
|
|
Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be
|
|
unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the
|
|
lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
|
|
----------
|
|
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light
|
|
bulb.
|
|
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
|
|
looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
|
|
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
|
|
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
|
|
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall
|
|
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
|
|
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
|
|
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
|
|
entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
|
|
demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at
|
|
the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by
|
|
the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
|
|
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
|
|
to, the following steps:
|
|
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation
|
|
at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
|
|
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the
|
|
party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this
|
|
point being non-negotiable.
|
|
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
|
|
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party
|
|
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of
|
|
the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state,
|
|
local and federal statutes.
|
|
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
|
|
part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of
|
|
the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a
|
|
manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of
|
|
this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur
|
|
in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
|
|
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
|
|
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the
|
|
objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the
|
|
fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
|
|
--------
|
|
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
|
|
**********************************************************************
|
|
|
|
1300.01 GENERAL
|
|
|
|
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
|
|
harvest attorneys.
|
|
|
|
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
|
|
use of currency as bait is prohibited.
|
|
|
|
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If
|
|
accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
|
|
nearest car wash.
|
|
|
|
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
|
|
machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
|
|
|
|
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
|
|
Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
|
|
|
|
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
|
|
dealerships.
|
|
|
|
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
|
|
prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
|
|
|
|
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
|
|
courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
|
|
ambulances, or hospitals.
|
|
|
|
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
|
|
felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
|
|
|
|
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
|
|
inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
|
|
|
|
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
|
|
reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
|
|
victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
|
|
attorneys.
|
|
|
|
BAG LIMITS
|
|
|
|
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
|
|
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
|
|
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
|
|
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
|
|
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
|
|
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
|
|
7. Cut-throat 2
|
|
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
|
|
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
|
|
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
|
|
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
|
|
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were
|
|
guilty.
|
|
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
|
|
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
|
|
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
|
|
controversial case.
|
|
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
|
|
|
|
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things,
|
|
but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in
|
|
his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once
|
|
you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug
|
|
look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him
|
|
and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
|
|
----------------------------------------------------
|
|
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule
|
|
what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard
|
|
to get back on your feet.
|
|
----------------------------------------------------
|
|
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands
|
|
in his own pockets.
|
|
----------------------------------------------------
|
|
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you
|
|
serve lawyers here?".
|
|
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
|
|
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
|
|
'gator."
|
|
----------------------------------------------------
|
|
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.
|
|
One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
|
|
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
|
|
----------------------------------------------------
|
|
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ----
|
|
It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
|
|
----------
|
|
Legal business card:
|
|
|
|
Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe
|
|
Attorneys at Law
|
|
----------
|
|
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
|
|
|
|
...Benjamin Franklin.
|
|
----------
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
*******************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
|
|
programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
|
|
down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
|
|
behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
|
|
never when standing.
|
|
|
|
Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
|
|
know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
|
|
know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
|
|
hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
|
|
electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
|
|
An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
|
|
the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
|
|
touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
|
|
astray by hunting and pecking.
|
|
|
|
-- from the Programming Pearls column edited by Jon Bentley in CACM Feb. '85
|
|
|
|
*******************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
101 EASY WAYS TO SAY NO
|
|
I'd love to, but...
|
|
1 I have to floss my cat.
|
|
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
|
|
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
|
|
4 the President said he might drop in.
|
|
5 the man on television told me to say tuned.
|
|
6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
|
|
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
|
|
8 it's my parakeet's bowling night.
|
|
9 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
|
|
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
|
|
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
|
|
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
|
|
13 there's a disturbance in the Force.
|
|
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
|
|
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
|
|
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
|
|
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
|
|
18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
|
|
19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
|
|
20 my crayons all melted together.
|
|
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
|
|
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
|
|
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
|
|
24 my patent is pending.
|
|
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
|
|
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
|
|
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
|
|
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
|
|
29 I'm being deported.
|
|
30 the grunion are running.
|
|
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
|
|
32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
|
|
33 the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
|
|
34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
|
|
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
|
|
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
|
|
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
|
|
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
|
|
39 my plot to take over the world is thickening.
|
|
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
|
|
41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
|
|
42 it's too close to the turn of the century.
|
|
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
|
|
44 my subconscious says no.
|
|
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
|
|
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
|
|
47 the last time I went, I never came back.
|
|
48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
|
|
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
|
|
50 none of my socks match.
|
|
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
|
|
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
|
|
53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
|
|
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
|
|
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My
|
|
Refrigerator."
|
|
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
|
|
57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
|
|
58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
|
|
59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
|
|
60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."
|
|
61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
|
|
62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named
|
|
Basil Metabolism.
|
|
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put
|
|
it down.
|
|
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
|
|
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
|
|
66 I have too much guilt.
|
|
67 there are important world issues that need worrying about.
|
|
68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
|
|
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
|
|
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
|
|
71 I feel a song coming on.
|
|
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
|
|
73 my bathroom tiles need grouting.
|
|
74 I have to bleach my hare.
|
|
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
|
|
76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
|
|
77 you know how we psychos are.
|
|
78 my favorite commercial is on TV.
|
|
79 I have to study for a blood test.
|
|
80 I'm going to be old someday.
|
|
81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
|
|
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
|
|
83 I have to rotate my crops.
|
|
84 my uncle escaped again.
|
|
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
|
|
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
|
|
87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
|
|
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
|
|
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
|
|
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
|
|
91 having fun gives me prickly heat.
|
|
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking
|
|
for me.
|
|
93 I have to jog my memory.
|
|
94 my palm reader advised against it.
|
|
95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
|
|
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
|
|
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
|
|
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
|
|
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
|
|
100 I'm trying to cut down.
|
|
101 ... well, maybe.
|
|
|
|
*******************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
Many have experienced the confusion of traffic accidents and have
|
|
had to summerize correctly what happened in a few words or less
|
|
on insurance or accident forms. The following quotes were taken
|
|
>From those forms and were eventually published in the Toronto Sun
|
|
Paper.
|
|
|
|
|
|
1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a
|
|
tree I don't have.
|
|
|
|
2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of
|
|
it's intentions.
|
|
|
|
3) I though my window was down, but I found out it was up when I
|
|
put my hand through it.
|
|
|
|
4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
|
|
|
|
5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
|
|
|
|
6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
|
|
|
|
7) The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of
|
|
times before I hit him.
|
|
|
|
8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
|
|
mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
|
|
|
|
9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
|
|
|
|
10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way
|
|
home, as I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up,
|
|
obscuring my vision.
|
|
|
|
11) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the
|
|
wheel and had an accident.
|
|
|
|
12) I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my
|
|
universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.
|
|
|
|
13) As I approched the intersection, a stop sign suddenly
|
|
appeared to stop in time to avoid the accient.
|
|
|
|
14) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
|
|
pedestrian.
|
|
|
|
15) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other
|
|
vehicle.
|
|
|
|
16) An Invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and
|
|
vanished.
|
|
|
|
17) I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my
|
|
hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.
|
|
|
|
18) I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side
|
|
of the street when I struck him.
|
|
|
|
19) The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over
|
|
him.
|
|
|
|
20) I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off
|
|
the hood of my car.
|
|
|
|
21) I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later
|
|
found in a ditch by some stray cows.
|
|
|
|
22) The telephone pole was approching fast, I attempted to swerve
|
|
out of it's way, when it struck the front of my car.
|
|
|
|
*******************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:
|
|
|
|
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
|
|
|
|
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
|
|
|
|
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
|
|
|
|
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
|
|
|
|
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
|
|
|
|
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put
|
|
the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
|
|
|
|
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
|
|
|
|
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
|
|
|
|
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
|
|
|
|
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
|
|
|
|
To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
|
|
|
|
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
|
|
|
|
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
|
|
|
|
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
|
|
|
|
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
|
|
|
|
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
|
|
|
|
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
|
|
|
|
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
|
|
|
|
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of
|
|
the bull.
|
|
|
|
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a
|
|
great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
|
|
|
|
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous
|
|
generation and study of rocks.
|
|
|
|
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
|
|
|
|
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
|
|
|
|
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
|
|
|
|
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
|
|
perspire.
|
|
|
|
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures
|
|
another individual by accident.
|
|
|
|
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
|
|
|
|
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
|
|
|
|
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
|
|
|
|
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often
|
|
in the winter.
|
|
|
|
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
|
|
|
|
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
|
|
|
|
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
|
|
|
|
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have
|
|
more convulsions.
|
|
|
|
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above
|
|
the hand instead.
|
|
|
|
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
|
|
|
|
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered,
|
|
then kill it.
|
|
|
|
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
|
|
|
|
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
|
|
artificial perspiration.
|
|
|
|
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
|
|
|
|
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
T.A.F.E C O U R S E S
|
|
A U T U M N S E M E S T E R
|
|
E V E N I N G C L A S S E S F O R A D U L T S
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
SOCIAL SCIENCE DIVISION
|
|
- Creative Suffering
|
|
- Overcoming Peace of Mind
|
|
- You and your Birthmark
|
|
- Guilt Without Sex
|
|
- The Primel Shrug
|
|
- Ego Gratification Through Violence
|
|
- Moulding Your Child's Behaviour Through Guilt and Fear
|
|
- Dealing with Post Self-Realization Depression
|
|
- Whine your Way to Alienation
|
|
- How to Overcome Self-Doubt through Pretence and Ostentation
|
|
|
|
BUSINESS AND ADMINISTRATION DIVISION
|
|
- Money Can Make You Rich
|
|
- Talking Good : How You Can Improve Speech and Get a Better Job
|
|
- "I Made $100.00 in Real Estate"
|
|
- Packaging and Selling Your Child (Parents Guide to the Slave Market)
|
|
- How to Profit from Your Own Body
|
|
- Career Opportunities in Iraq
|
|
- Underachievers Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities
|
|
- Filler Phrases for Thesis Writers
|
|
- Tax Shelters fot the Indigent
|
|
- Looter's Guide to America's Cities
|
|
|
|
HOME ECONOMICS DIVISION
|
|
- How you can Convert Your Family Room into a Garage
|
|
- How to Cultivate Viruses in Your Refrigerator
|
|
- Burglarproof Your Home with Concrete
|
|
- Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
|
|
- Sinus Drainage at Home
|
|
- 101 Other Uses for your Vacuum Cleaner
|
|
- The Repair and Maintenance of Your Virginity
|
|
- What to do with Your Conversation Pit
|
|
- How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy
|
|
- Christianity and the Art of TV maintenance
|
|
|
|
LIFE, HEALTH AND FITNESS DIVISION
|
|
- Creative Tooth Decay
|
|
- Exercises and Acne
|
|
- The Joys of Hypochondria
|
|
- High Fiber Sex
|
|
- Suicide and Your Health
|
|
- Biofeedback and How to Stop
|
|
- Skate Your Way to Regularity
|
|
- Understanding Nudity
|
|
- Tap Dance Your Way to Social Ridicule
|
|
- Optional Body Functions
|
|
|
|
FINE ARTS DIVISION
|
|
- Self Actualisation through Macrame
|
|
- Needlecraft for Junkies
|
|
- Cuticle Craft
|
|
- Gifts for the Senile
|
|
- Bonsai Your Pet
|
|
- Creative Writing with Sticks
|
|
- Body Painting for the Elderly
|
|
- 100 Ways to Wok Your Dog
|
|
- Belly Dancing for the Obese
|
|
=========================================================================
|
|
Two words you don't want to hear in the men's room:
|
|
"Nice dick"
|
|
|
|
Three words you don't want to hear during sex:
|
|
"Honey, I'm home"
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Fresh Every 2.7 Days
|
|
|
|
PEE YU PLATTER
|
|
Clothes Pins Extra
|
|
|
|
HOO FLUNG POO
|
|
Napkins & Raincoats Provided
|
|
|
|
SUC SUM TIT
|
|
Children's Special
|
|
|
|
YUNG POON TANG
|
|
No Take Out Orders Accepted
|
|
|
|
LUNCHEON SPECIALS
|
|
|
|
SUM YUNG CHICK..........$6.99
|
|
Different and Delicious
|
|
|
|
WON HUNG LO..............$6.99
|
|
Chinese Meatballs
|
|
|
|
SUM DUM FUC..............$9.69
|
|
Same - #1 But With Extra Sauce
|
|
|
|
CHU SUM TWAT............$16.99
|
|
Dinner - Parties Of 3 Or More
|
|
|
|
SUC MI PORK..............$9.69
|
|
Chef's Special
|
|
|
|
FUC YU MAN...............$6.69
|
|
Specialty Of The House
|
|
|
|
|
|
DINNER COMBINATIONS
|
|
Includes Smeg Roll & Fortune
|
|
Nookie
|
|
|
|
1. GOO IN HAND...........$9.69
|
|
For Those Dining Alone
|
|
|
|
2. GOO WEE CHICK.........$6.99
|
|
Sloppy Seconds - No Charge
|
|
|
|
3. CUM TU SOON...........$6.99
|
|
Order Early - These Go Fast
|
|
|
|
4. SUC MI WANG...........$6.99
|
|
Traditional Chinese Meatloaf
|
|
|
|
5. SUM DUM CHICK.........$4.99
|
|
You Get What You Pay For
|
|
|
|
6. FUC MEI SLO...........$6.69
|
|
Not Available After 10PM
|
|
|
|
7. LIK MI CLIT...........$6.99
|
|
A Delicious Lick Smacking
|
|
Oriental Delicacy
|
|
|
|
8. CHO KON IT............$9.99
|
|
Not For The Light Throated
|
|
|
|
9. FUC SUM NOW...........$6.99
|
|
For Those In A Hurry
|
|
|
|
10. WAI TU YUNG..........$4.99
|
|
Not Available On School
|
|
Nights
|
|
|
|
11. TUNG SUM CHICK.......$8.99
|
|
A Taste Bud Tingler
|
|
|
|
12. SUM GULP CUM.........$9.69
|
|
Low-Cal Diet Special
|
|
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
|
|
6969 Slippery Root Drive
|
|
Drop Trouser, Sydney 2120.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dear ___________,
|
|
|
|
We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and
|
|
represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.
|
|
|
|
Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of
|
|
Directors feel that your wearing of our product in advertisements does not
|
|
portray a positive romantic image for our product. A loose, baggy and
|
|
wrinkled condom is not considered romantic.
|
|
|
|
We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using poly-grip, but even
|
|
then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like
|
|
to note however that yours is the first we have seen that looked like a
|
|
bicycle grip.
|
|
|
|
We appreciate your interest and would like to thank you for your time. We
|
|
will retain your application for possible future consideration. If by
|
|
chance we decide there is a market for mini-condoms we will call you.
|
|
|
|
We send greetings and sympathy for your lady.
|
|
|
|
Sincerely,
|
|
|
|
Burly Dick, President
|
|
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.
|
|
|
|
P.S. Remember our slogans:
|
|
|
|
Cover your stump before you hump!
|
|
Don't be silly, protect your willie!
|
|
Never deck her with an unwrapped packer!
|
|
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker!
|
|
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!
|
|
A Tiskit, a taskit, a condom or a casket!
|
|
|
|
"The Hole In The Bed" by Mr. Completely
|
|
"Safety On The Rifle Range" by Miss Fyre
|
|
"Holes In The Toilet" by I. P. Stones
|
|
"Yellow River" by I. P. Freeley
|
|
"Rusty Bedsprings" by I. P. Nightly
|
|
"In The Bushes" by I. P. Dailey
|
|
"How The Homos Came To Be" by Ben Dover
|
|
"The Bear Got Me" by Claude Bawls
|
|
"Under The Grandstand" by I. Seymour Butz
|
|
"Spots On The Wall" by Pickett & Flickett
|
|
"I Dare You" by Hugo Furst
|
|
"Tragedy On The Cliff" by Eileen Dover
|
|
"Elephant's Dong" by Miles Long
|
|
"How To Upkeep Your Yard" by Lon Moore
|
|
"Running Milk" by I. Suckatit
|
|
"Open Komono" by C. Moore Hayers
|
|
"Tracks In The Sand" by Peter Dragon
|
|
"The Bride's Big Surprise" by E. Norma Speeder
|
|
"Shorter Miniskirts" by Seymour Hiney
|
|
"Race To The Outhouse" by Willie Maykit
|
|
Illustrated by Betty Doant, foreward by Betty Woant
|
|
"Bloody Saddles" by Ontha Ragg
|
|
"Stained Ceilings" by I.B. Yakinov, foreward by Jack Knauf
|
|
"The Joy Of Self-Abuse" by Dick Pullar, foreward by Jack Goff
|
|
"The Art Of The Strip Tease" by Oliver Klosoff
|
|
"Sex In The Vatican" by Ho Lee Fuk
|
|
"French Athletes" by Jacques Strappe
|
|
"Lying To Your Lover" by Faye King
|
|
"Why I Like Chevys" by Iona Ford
|
|
"Genital Grooming" by Harry Dix
|
|
"Women In Jazz" by Bertha D. Blooz
|
|
"Father Gets Even" by Amanda B. Reckinwith
|
|
"Loving Two Women At The Same Time" by W. Pleasure and W. Funn
|
|
"Tax-free Withdrawals" by Robin Banks
|
|
"Gay Fashion" by Leo Tard
|
|
"Unbelievable" by Frank Lee Stund
|
|
"Venereal Disease Symptoms" by Dick Boyles
|
|
"Why I Became A Woman" by Mike Hunt
|
|
"That Loveable Lush" by Al Koholik
|
|
"Pile In The Desert" by Squatten Lee Vitt
|
|
"Beer: The Secrets To Success" by Phil R. Upp
|
|
"How To Leave Early" by Ken I. Gonow
|
|
"How To Make More Room In A Bed" by Sly Dover
|
|
"Chinese Vulgarities" by Phuck Yoo
|
|
"Programming With Oriental Computers" by C. P. Yoo
|
|
"Down The Flag Pole" by Dick Burns
|
|
"Highrise Ups and Downs" by L. E. Vader
|
|
"Chinese Golfing Techniques" by Ho Lin Wun
|
|
"How I Betrayed You, My Buddy" by Scrooge Orwyfe
|
|
"Puppet Masters And Their Secrets" by Hal D. Doody
|
|
"How Not To Act Around The Physically Impaired" by Ken U. Wock
|
|
"How to Lose Weight" by Yudo Neet
|
|
"Runner's High" by Ira N. Minnymiles
|
|
"Shaving Your Entire Body" by Harry Oliver
|
|
"Experimenting With Drugs" by Ike N. Fly
|
|
"How To Make Yourself Blind" by Harry Pawms, foreward by B. Churmeet
|
|
"Child Psychology" by I. B. Goode
|
|
"The Ruined Sheets" by C. Menstains
|
|
"The Bulimic's Guide" by Thoreau Upp
|
|
"Life On Other Planets" by Edie Foanhoam
|
|
"Urinary Tract Infections" by I. Pease Eldom
|
|
"Blood On The Hurdles" by I. Hung Lo
|
|
"Winter Driving Tips" by I. C. Rhodes
|
|
"Home Canning" by Sal Minella
|
|
"Is It In Yet?" by Izzy Honor
|
|
"Finishing Your Own Furniture" by Lynne C. Doyle
|
|
"How To Be A Nursemaid At Home" by Karen Feeding
|
|
"Hawaiian Orgy" by Cummoniwannalayya
|
|
"The Best Erogenous Zones" by Val Gyna
|
|
"Circumcision" by Dick Hertz
|
|
"The Pregnant Nun" by Pastor Period
|
|
"How I Got High" by Iona Shringe
|
|
"So You've Testified Against The Mafia, Now What?" by Yurin Trubble
|
|
"How To Hang Drapes" by Kurt N. Rod
|
|
"Artificial People" by Frank N. Stein
|
|
"Here I Come!" by R. U. Reddy
|
|
"Productive Complaining" by Belle E. Akin
|
|
"Don't Do It" by Yul B. Sawry
|
|
"How Not To Handle Stress" by Sue E. Syde
|
|
"Little Women" by Barbie Dahl
|
|
"Throwing Money Away" by Phil T. Rich
|
|
"Play It Safe" by Justin Case
|
|
"The Marlena Dietrich Story" by Ivana Beale Owen
|
|
|
|
Penis Song From Monty Pythons Meaning of life
|
|
|
|
..Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis,
|
|
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong.
|
|
It's swell to have a stiffy, It's divine to own a dick,
|
|
From the tiniest little tadger, to the worlds biggest prick.
|
|
So three cheers for your Williy or John Thomas,
|
|
Horray for you one-eyed trouser snake.
|
|
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
|
|
Your percy or your cock.
|
|
You can wrap it up in ribbons,
|
|
You can slip it in your sock.
|
|
But don't take it out in public or they'll stick you in the dock...
|
|
and you won't a-come a-back
|
|
|
|
Oh, thank-you very much!
|
|
|
|
THE CIVIL SERVANT'S DOG
|
|
-----------------------
|
|
|
|
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was
|
|
an engineer who said his dog could draw. His dog's name was "T-Square",
|
|
and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a
|
|
triangle, which he did with no sweat.
|
|
|
|
The accountant said he thought his dog, "Balance", could do better.
|
|
He told him to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into piles of
|
|
three, which he did with no problem.
|
|
|
|
The chemist said that was a very good stunt, but that his dog,
|
|
"Apothecary", could do better yet. He told his dog to get a quart of
|
|
milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. Apothecary did this
|
|
without a hitch.
|
|
|
|
All three men agreed their dogs were equally smart. They turned to
|
|
the Civil Servant and asked him what his dog could do. The Civil Servant
|
|
called his dog, whose name was "Coffee break", and said, "Show the
|
|
fellows what you can do, old buddy." Coffee Break then strolled over and
|
|
ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other
|
|
three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so. He then filed
|
|
a grievance for unsafe conditions, applied for Workers' Compensation,
|
|
and left for home on sick leave.
|
|
|
|
|> Here's another good telephone joke ,
|
|
|> but you'll need a couple of freinds to do it with .....
|
|
|>
|
|
|> Have your freinds call up a certain number and have them ask for
|
|
|> 'Dan' for example,
|
|
|> and when there's no Dan there , of course they'll get
|
|
|> the reply 'I'm afraid you have the wrong number',
|
|
|>
|
|
|> Keep this up a couple of times ,
|
|
|> and then finally call up and say
|
|
|> 'Hi this is Dan , any messages?'
|
|
|>
|
|
|> AND WAIT FOR THE REPLY !!!!!!
|
|
|> (or else stunned silence !)
|
|
|
|
|
|
A man enters a bar a asks, "Does anybody in here own the big
|
|
black Doberman out front?"
|
|
A large, muscular Hell's Angel type biker says, "It's mine. What
|
|
about it?"
|
|
The first man answered, "My dog just got into a fight with your
|
|
dog, and my dog killed your dog."
|
|
The biker said, "What kind of dog do you have?"
|
|
The first man said, "A chihuahua."
|
|
In disbelief, the biker went outside to investigate. A very large
|
|
black Doberman lay dead on the sidewalk, but the chihuahua was not in
|
|
sight.
|
|
"Where is your dog?" asked the biker.
|
|
The other man replied, "He's stuck in your dog's throat."
|
|
|
|
|
|
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see
|
|
walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking
|
|
along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud
|
|
"THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. This pasttime was
|
|
immensely enjoyable to the truck driver.
|
|
|
|
One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitch
|
|
hiking, so he thought he would do a good turn by offering the priest a
|
|
lift. So he pulled the truck over and asked the priest, "Where are you
|
|
going, Father?"
|
|
|
|
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the priest.
|
|
|
|
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." With that,
|
|
the happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck driver
|
|
continued down the road.
|
|
|
|
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and
|
|
instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a
|
|
priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the
|
|
road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he
|
|
missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
|
|
|
|
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and
|
|
when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry,
|
|
Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
|
|
|
|
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
There were two high school friends, Artie and Dominick, who
|
|
did everything together, and were the absolute best of friends. Then
|
|
they went off to different colleges and were separated for several years.
|
|
One day, however, Artie was sitting and a bar and looks over and sees his
|
|
old friend Dominick
|
|
"Dominick?" he shouts
|
|
"Artie?" Dominick replied.
|
|
Obviously they were happy to see each other again, and spent a long
|
|
time catching up on old times. Along the course of the conversation, Artie
|
|
asked Dominick what he did as a career.
|
|
"I'm an inventor," Dominick said.
|
|
"Wow," said Artie, "you must be loaded!"
|
|
"Well, I would be, except for my wife spends all my money. I really
|
|
hate her and wish she were dead!"
|
|
"well, hey," Artie said, "I'm a hit man! I can knock her off for
|
|
ya!"
|
|
Dominick was pleased with this idea, and offered Artie a great deal
|
|
of money to do this. Artie, however would not take it, saying that it would
|
|
be free for his best friend. Dominick felt bad about this, and kept trying
|
|
to pay SOMETHING to Artie, but he refused. Finally Dominick said, "Listen,
|
|
let me pay you, alright? Just a dollar, okay? A dollar to say that I paid
|
|
you. Please?" Finally, Artie agreed to the cost of one dollar, and the
|
|
plans were made.
|
|
Later, while Dominick was away, Artie went to his house and strangled
|
|
his wife. Just as she died, the butler walked into the room, so Artie
|
|
strangled him as well. Seconds after his death, in walked the maid, so once
|
|
again, he was forced to strangle another person. Finally, after she was dead,
|
|
he raced out of the house and down the street, but was caught by the police.
|
|
Next day the headlines read:
|
|
ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR AND DOMINICK'S
|
|
|
|
=========================================================================
|
|
One day MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT OF HONEY so he took Miss HERSHY behind
|
|
he POWERHOUSE OF 5TH AVENUE. He unstrapped her RESE CUPS and started
|
|
feeling her MOUNDS. This turned out to be pure ALMOND JOY. His BUTTERFINGERS
|
|
slipped down her MILKY WAY and she screamed OH HENRY and grabbed his
|
|
NUTTY BUDDY. The results of this was a BABE RUTH.
|
|
|
|
|
|
2 robbers from Puerto Rico felt that the Police were getting hot on their
|
|
trail, so they decided to move far away to Montreal and continue their
|
|
life of crime in the new city. Unfortunately they just did not quite
|
|
understand winter. They were arrested the morning after their first
|
|
break-in. The police just followed their footsteps in the snow from the
|
|
store to their house...
|
|
|
|
=========================================================================
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
There once was a party of four
|
|
Who couldn't fit inside a door
|
|
I'm sure you'd agree
|
|
That these four would be
|
|
Harpooned if they swam off the shore
|
|
|
|
The leader of the group was Chasm
|
|
Ever seen fifteen chins -- he has 'em
|
|
When he engulfs food
|
|
The image so lewd
|
|
Gives everyone near muscle spasms
|
|
|
|
His three friends - Gorge, Inhale, and Glop
|
|
Consumed food with nary a stop
|
|
Once at Donut World
|
|
Their frenzy unfurled
|
|
They had coffee, donuts, and a cop
|
|
|
|
They walked with a side-to-side gait
|
|
Because of their tremendous weight
|
|
Well you may not buy it
|
|
But they tried to diet
|
|
Against hunger that no one could sate
|
|
|
|
They were doing well at their slimming
|
|
The fat on their meat they were trimming
|
|
But their effort was tossed
|
|
They gained back what they'd lost
|
|
And hunger was already brimming
|
|
|
|
They burst out of Weight Watchers that night
|
|
Buildings were crushed under their might
|
|
And then the group did meet
|
|
A sign - All You Can Eat
|
|
And thus began the terrible blight
|
|
|
|
The manager gasped at the terrible sight
|
|
His whole body trembled with great fright
|
|
How could Ponderosa
|
|
End up as the host o'
|
|
Four who could block the sun's light
|
|
|
|
He quickly became incoherent
|
|
As he watched his food disappearin'
|
|
They've eaten their valet
|
|
And inhaled the buffet
|
|
Now at the kitchen they were leerin'
|
|
|
|
The chefs cowered before the quartet
|
|
Seeing hunger that no one could whet
|
|
They consumed all in sight
|
|
On that horrible night
|
|
Eating everything that they could get
|
|
|
|
They widened before everyone's eyes
|
|
Surrounded by thousands of flies
|
|
But so greatly loaded
|
|
Their bodies exploded
|
|
And fireworks lit up the skies
|
|
|
|
Those four will not really be missed
|
|
For they had many people pissed
|
|
They ravaged a town
|
|
Knocking buildings down
|
|
And that's just the start of the list
|
|
|
|
But this story does have a lesson
|
|
Eating too much Crisco and Wesson
|
|
Leads to massive weight gain
|
|
And abdominal pain
|
|
And heart attacks can be distressin'
|
|
=========================================================================
|
|
|
|
=========================================================================
|
|
Tourist class in an airplane. Two arabs in the window and centre seats, a Jew
|
|
is on the aisle. The arabs ask the jew if he'll get them some orange juice so
|
|
they won't have to crawl over him. While he's in the galley they spit in his
|
|
shoes. He brings the juice back. As the plane starts to land, he puts his shoes
|
|
on, feels what's happened, and turns to them. "When will it stop? The hatred,
|
|
the violence, the killing...the spitting in the shoes?...The pissing in the
|
|
orange juice?"
|
|
=========================================================================
|
|
|
|
There was this young boy coming of age and his father wanted to show him
|
|
the facts of life. So he gave him 20 bucks and sent him down to the
|
|
local brothel to have a good time. So the boy runs along excited about
|
|
what was about to happen to him when he happens to pass Grandma's house.
|
|
So she asks him where he's going. When he tells her, she offers to save
|
|
him 20 bucks by doing it with him for free. Of course he accepts and
|
|
when he finishes, he runs home to tell his father about the money he
|
|
saved. Angrily, his father says, do you mean you fucked my mother? Well,
|
|
answers the boy, you fucked mine.
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you get if you cross a tomato with a potato?
|
|
A: You get a potato with bloodshot eyes.
|
|
|
|
Q: What would be a hen-pecked husband's dream?
|
|
A: To be reincarnated as a flea and have his wife come
|
|
back as a dog.
|
|
|
|
Q: What is the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
|
|
N.Z.er: You can't wash your hands in a bison.
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you get if you cross a Mexican with an Oriental?
|
|
A: A car thief who can't drive.
|
|
|
|
Q: Cross a giraffe with a cow and what do you get?
|
|
A: A long ladder so you can milk it.
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a deer and a short woman?
|
|
A: One is a hunted stag and the other is a stunted hag.
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between Prince Charles and a geyser?
|
|
A: One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown to the air.
|
|
|
|
Q: What happens if you cross a telephone with a shirt?
|
|
A: You get a ring around the collar.
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you get if you cross a supermarket cashier with
|
|
a 100 bars of chocolate?
|
|
A: A chubby checker.
|
|
|
|
Q: What happens if you cross a joint with a 38D cup?
|
|
A: You get a drug bust.
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you get if you cross a car with a train?
|
|
A: At least 6 months in hospital and heaps from
|
|
Accident Compensation.
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you get if you cross a banana with a zipper?
|
|
A: A fruit fly.
|
|
|
|
Q: What is the difference between a pschyopath and a neurotic?
|
|
A: A psychopath knows for certain that five and five make eleven
|
|
the neurotic knows the five plus five equals ten, but it
|
|
worries him.
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you get if you cross a dingo with a witch?
|
|
A: A mad dog that chases planes.
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you get if you cross a young dog with a tranquilzer?
|
|
A: A hush puppy.
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a corpse and a musician?
|
|
A: One composes and the other decomposes.
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you get if you cross a 10,000 calories with an ugly girl?
|
|
A: A hefty bag.
|
|
|
|
Q. What type of meat do priests eat?
|
|
|
|
A. Nun
|
|
|
|
|
|
A Birthday Gift
|
|
|
|
A young man wishing to buy his girlfriend a birthday present, decided to
|
|
purchase a pair of gloves. Whilst making his choice his elder sister
|
|
accompanied him and purchased a rather striking pair of silk panties
|
|
covered with lace. The sales girl unfortunately handed the wrong parcel
|
|
to both boy and girl and the boy, not troubling to open the parcel,
|
|
forwarded the panties to his girlfriend enclosing the following note:
|
|
|
|
"My dear Sweetheart,
|
|
|
|
Please accept this little gift to show that I have not forgotten your
|
|
birthday. I chose them because I noticed you are not in the habit of
|
|
wearing them when you go out. Had it not been for my sister I would
|
|
have chosen long ones with buttons but she said they were not the fashion.
|
|
They are a delicate colour I know but the woman I purchased them from,
|
|
showed me a pair of her own which she had been wearing for a fortnight
|
|
and they were not even soiled. I also had the shopgirl try them on
|
|
for me and I must say that she looked exceptionally smart in them.
|
|
How I wish I could try them on for you for the first time, but no
|
|
doubt many a mans hand will come in contact with them before I see you
|
|
with them on. I was not sure of the size, yet I should have a good
|
|
idea after having felt the gentle skin so often which they are intended
|
|
to cover. After removing them, just give them a gentle blow before
|
|
putting them away as they may be a little damp after wearing them. Please
|
|
be sure to keep them clean for Friday night.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
PS Please note the number of times I shall kiss the back of them during
|
|
the coming year. The shop girl said to tell you that the best
|
|
to wear them is undone and hanging down.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
|
|
Doug
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a man with out a shovel in his head?
|
|
Dougless
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a lady with a toothpick in her head?
|
|
Olive
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a lady with one leg longer than the other?
|
|
Eileen
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a Chinese lady with one leg longer than the other
|
|
Ireen
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a lady with both legs the same length?
|
|
Nolene
|
|
|
|
* What do you call an epileptic in a pile of leaves?
|
|
Russel
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a man with a wooden head?
|
|
Edward
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a man with three wooden heads?
|
|
Edward Woodward
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a man with four wooden heads?
|
|
I don't know, but Edward Woodward would
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum?
|
|
Warren
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a man with his legs chopped off at the knees?
|
|
Neil
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a man who is being electocuted?
|
|
Buzz
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a man who sits at your front door?
|
|
Matt
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a man who has his head stuck under your car?
|
|
Jack
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a man who has no arms and legs who is nailed to the wall?
|
|
Art
|
|
|
|
* What do you call the arms and legs of the above mentioned man?
|
|
Pieces of Art
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a man with no arms and legs floating in the ocean?
|
|
Bob
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a lady who is the stand-in for Polly in Fawlty Towers?
|
|
Polly - filler
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a whole bunch of dead bald smokers floating over the
|
|
ocean at Christmas?
|
|
Yule-tide
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a man with toilet paper in his mouth?
|
|
John
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a man who has been buried for 2,000 years?
|
|
Pete
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a pig in a black and white movie?
|
|
Graeham
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a dog with no legs?
|
|
It doesn't matter what you call him - he still won't come
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a deer with no eyes?
|
|
No idea
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
|
|
Still no idea
|
|
|
|
* What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs who is chewing a razor?
|
|
Still no bloody idea
|
|
|
|
What do you call a lady smurf with only one leg?
|
|
I-lean
|
|
|
|
What do you call a smurf with his legs cut off from the knees?
|
|
Neil
|
|
|
|
|
|
The local cop was enjoying a quiet morning on his beat when he
|
|
spotted two young lads hurtling along on a billy cart pulled by a
|
|
dog.
|
|
|
|
The policeman waved them down, and the two boys came to a
|
|
reluctant halt.
|
|
|
|
When the policeman came closer, he could see that the poor dog,
|
|
who was panting heavily, was tied to the front of the cart with a
|
|
length of string.
|
|
|
|
"Enough of that," said the copper, "that's a very cruel thing to
|
|
do."
|
|
|
|
And with that he took out his pocket knife and cut the string.
|
|
|
|
But as he bent over the billy cart he noticed a second piece of
|
|
string running from a lever on the billy cart and disappearing
|
|
between the dog's hind legs, where it was knotted around a
|
|
delicate portion of the unfortunate animal's anatomy.
|
|
|
|
"And that's even worse," said the copper, as he cut the second
|
|
piece of string.
|
|
|
|
"Oh bugger!" said one of the boys. "There goes the overdrive!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Major Commander 'Bear'
|
|
The Finest in the World am I who Does nothing but while doing it all.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Article 1928 of eunet.jokes:
|
|
Path: kingpol!warwick!uknet!sersun1!SunLab14!lacaa
|
|
From: lacaa@SunLab14.essex.ac.uk (Lacatena A)
|
|
Newsgroups: eunet.jokes
|
|
Subject: Re: Skoda Joke.
|
|
Summary: Well I thought it was funny!
|
|
Message-ID: <1766@sersun1.essex.ac.uk>
|
|
Date: 20 Jan 92 13:50:04 GMT
|
|
References: <1992Jan18.223704.17431@athena.mit.edu> <1992Jan20.115208.22629@specialix.co.uk>
|
|
Sender: news@sersun1.essex.ac.uk
|
|
Reply-To: lacaa@essex.ac.uk (Lacatena A)
|
|
Organization: University of Essex, Colchester, UK
|
|
Lines: 38
|
|
|
|
Here's one of the longer Skoda jokes:
|
|
|
|
This guy's driving down the motorway in his Skoda when all of a sudden the
|
|
engine dies and he's left coasting at x MPH on the inside lane. The man
|
|
pulls into the hard shoulder, gets out and starts looking under the bonnet
|
|
to see if he can figure out what the problem is.
|
|
After spending sometime pulling and pushing various bits of its engine he
|
|
hears a car pull in in front of him with a great roar of raw horsepower.
|
|
He gets up to see with some surprise that the car is in fact a Porche and it
|
|
is reversing towards him. It stopped just in front of him.
|
|
"Hello," said the Porche driver, "brokedown?"
|
|
"Yeah." replied the man.
|
|
"Need any help?"
|
|
"I sure could use a tow to the next service station."
|
|
"No problem." the Porche driver enthused. And with that they both tied their
|
|
cars together with a length of tow rope the Skoda driver kept handy.
|
|
When all was done the Porche pulled out onto the motorway, Skoda in tow.
|
|
While the driver of the Porche drove at reasonable speed on the inside lane,
|
|
a BMW came up beside him on the middle lane and as the Porshe driver looked
|
|
over to see who was in it. As he did so he saw the BMW driver five-knuckle
|
|
shuffle him and zoom off ahead into the distance.
|
|
Incensed, the Porche driver began pursuit. Oblivious of the Skoda he was
|
|
towing.
|
|
Witnesses of this high-speed chase were a couple of patrol police officers
|
|
parked on a concealed verge by the side of the motorway. The sergeant looked
|
|
at his radar as the BMW went by. He then looked at his partner incredulously
|
|
as the Porche sped by consecutively.
|
|
Staring into space, the sergeant picked up his radio and said into it:
|
|
"Control, you're not going to believe this. But there's a BMW and a Porche
|
|
doing 140 MPH on the fast lane and there's a Skoda right behind them both...
|
|
|
|
FLASHING ITS LIGHTS!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
Ha Ha, Hee Hee, Hoo Hoo ...
|
|
|
|
~|
|
|
B-^ Tony.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Article 1932 of eunet.jokes:
|
|
Path: kingpol!warwick!uknet!mcsun!unido!nixpbe!nixsin!ishands
|
|
From: ishands@nixsin.UUCP (ishan de silva)
|
|
Newsgroups: eunet.jokes
|
|
Subject: Golf Club
|
|
Keywords: jokes
|
|
Message-ID: <2528@nixsin.UUCP>
|
|
Date: 20 Jan 92 03:55:53 GMT
|
|
Organization: Nixdorf Regional HQ Pte Ltd, Singapore
|
|
Lines: 39
|
|
|
|
MOUNT PLEASANT GOLF CLUB
|
|
------------------------
|
|
With the admission of lady members to the club as from 1.1.92 all members are
|
|
kindly requested to adhere strictly to the following revised club rules.-
|
|
|
|
1. All lady members are prohibited from meddling with gentlemen's balls before
|
|
the game starts.
|
|
|
|
2. It will be the responsibility of the gentlemen to constantly check and
|
|
ensure that the holes are kept clean and smooth.
|
|
|
|
3. Full cooperation from all lady members are desired especially during the
|
|
short and jerking strokes.
|
|
|
|
4. All partners in a game are urged to finish off together. Should the men
|
|
reach the end first, he must continue hs strokes until the lady attains
|
|
full score.
|
|
|
|
5. In all cases where lay positions are not possible, the players may choose
|
|
to adopt a standing or squatting position.
|
|
|
|
6. All male players are permitted to adopt any new style they prefer, such
|
|
as starting from behind the hole if the partner agrees.
|
|
|
|
7. All male members are advised to stay away from any hole which shows signs
|
|
of recent repairs until the red flag is lifted. Those who do not abide by
|
|
this rule may proceed at their own risk.
|
|
|
|
8. The management of the club cannot be held responsible for damaged holes
|
|
lost balls or broken lung due to improper play.
|
|
|
|
9. Time of play for various age groups:
|
|
From 20 to 40 It is one in the morning and one at night
|
|
40 to 50 It is now and then or when able
|
|
50 to 60 God knows when
|
|
60 to 70 If he still thinks he is capable, take no notice,
|
|
he is out of his mind.
|
|
|