textfiles/humor/JOKES/jokes5.txt

THE ANSWER IS:  Beef, Iron and Wine
The question is "What do housewives do at home all day?"

     Two contestants on a TV game show were in the final
     round. Mr. Cohn was way ahead of Mr. Schine, but just
     as the buzzer was rung, Schine slipped ahead, and won!
     When asked what prize he wanted, he stated that he
     wanted a horse. The game show host asked why, and was
     told : I want a horse so I can name it 'Harvest Moon.'
     Then I can have a portrait painted, and call it "Schine
     on Harvest Moon."

If Fairbanks Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs, what
would it be called?
  Dogless Fairbanks!

Overheard in court one day:
Judge - What's your name?
Prisoner - Sparks
Judge - What's the charge?
Prisoner - Assault and battery
Judge - Well, lock him in a dry cell!

I went fishing one day just for the halibut, but all I caught
was a haddock, so I went home and took a bunch of
aspirins, and then my herring got impaired.

We were all in a car and it wouldn't
start, so I told everyone to be quiet, and then it started
right up! Why??
 Cause it goes without saying...

Sheep get their haircut at the baa baa shop!

Don't press your luck!
Avoid ironing your four-leaf clovers!

What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a
Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman!

All the best chess players were at a big tournament. They
hung out for the first hour in the hallway, bragging to each
other about all their recent victories. Suddenly, the hotel
manager threw them all out of the hallway. When asked why, he
replied:
"I hate chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!"

I once knew a medical man who loved frozen daiquiris. He was at a
bar one night drinking one when a piece of hickory-wood form the
ceiling fell into the glass. So I said that it was a hickory
daiquiri, doc!

A dentist was obsessed by dental floss! His obsession was so
great that he bought a roan horse to help him gather floss for
his growing collection. Another dentist became even more
compulsive and stole the horse!!, But the horse refused to help
the second dentist! Moral???
A stolen roan gathers no floss!

Be proud of me, and someday I may deserve it.

 Q: What do you get when you mix vodka and Milk of Magnesia?
 A: A Phillips Screwdriver!

For protection, my father bought me a German Shepherd dog.  When
he found out I was Jewish, he bit me!  He was a wonderful
watchdog.  One evening while I was being held up, he watched.

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy."  I wanted to
be different, so I called my dog "Sex."  I found out that "Sex"
is a very embarrassing name.  One day I took Sex out for a walk
and he ran away from me.  I spent hours looking for the dog.  A
cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley
at 4:00 in the morning?"  I said, "I'm looking for Sex."  My case
comes up next Thursday.
  One day I went to City Hall to get a dog license and I told the
clerk - "I would like to have a license for Sex."  He said, "I
would like to have one, too."  Then I said, "but this is a dog,"
and he said that he didn't care how she looked.  Then I said,
"You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was two years old."  He
said, "you must have been a very strong baby."
  I told him that when my wife and I seperated I went into court to
fight for custody of the dog and I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex
before I was married," and the Judge said, "Me, too."  Then I
told him that after I was married Sex left me and he said, "Me,
too."
  When I told him that I once had Sex on TV he said, "Showoff."  I
told him that it was a contest and he told me that I should have
sold tickets.
  I also told the Judge about the time when the wife and I were on
our honeymoon and we took the dog along.  When I checked into the
motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and
myself and a special room for Sex.  The clerk said that every
room in the motel was for sex. Then I said, "You don't
understand, Sex keeps me awake at night," and the clerk said,
"Me, too."

Entropy requires no maintenance!

       Do you smoke after sex?
          -- I don't know... I never looked!

That isn't original and Clay didn't even get it right!

Jack and Jill went up the hill
They each had a quarter
Jill came down with fifty cents
Jack came down a little shorter

Haven't you ever seen Rembrandt's famous painting:
Mel and Cholic Baby.

Lucy! I theen you got some splainin to do.

Child: Aw Mom. Whenever we visit Uncle Al he always wants to go
bowling. He never wants to go with me to the court and play a few
sets. I think he hates it.
Mother: Nonsense. Many's the time I've heard Alfred laud tennis, son.

"Home, home and deranged...."

Jealous wife on the phone: You tell my cheating husband to get his ass
                           across the  street right now.
Neighbour:                 He just did!

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To do some Hanky Panky.
Jack went 'Uh!' and Jill went 'Ah!'
And out came baby Frankie!

She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still!

"You will pay for eating that apple", God said adamantly!

"I'm glad you got your headlight fixed", she beamed!!

"I've dropped my toothpaste", he said crestfallen.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Don Juan
Don Juan who?
I Don Juan to set the world on fire!

Acoustic: Instrument used in billiards!
Bacteria: The rear portion of the cafeteria!
Coincide: What you do when it starts to rain!
Denial: A river in Egypt!
Buccaneer: The price of corn.
Valorus: Large animal vit tusks; lives in vater!

What's black and white and red all over?
Santa Claus coming down the chimney.

"Who was that lady I seen you with last night?"
"You mean 'I saw.'"
"Ok, who was that eyesore I seen you with last night?"

"What do you get when you cross poison ivy with 4 leaf clovers?"
"A rash of good luck!"

Knock knock
Who's there?
Little old lady
Little old lady who?
Gee, I didn't know you knew how to yodel.

I thank my lucky stars I'm not superstitious.

Two of New England's finest undertakers, Old Mort Rogers and
his brother Dick, are also experts at rigging sailing ships.
Most agree that although Dick is a fine shipbuilder, he's
not the rigger Mort is.

Why did the theatre critic always praise the first show of
the season?
He didn't want to stone the first cast.

If Carmen Miranda married Yves Montand... ...when she combed
her hair, would she be Carmen Miranda Montand when she
combs?

What type of birth control would a Roman Catholic lumberjack
who's wed to a mathematican use???
The log-a-rhythm-method.

Why did King Author wear his Cloak to the Great Ball, rather than his
Mantle?
Cause kings go better with cloak!

Why didn't the Maharishi want novocaine when he had a tooth pulled?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

     Three guys were having an argument about who was more generously
     endowed.  Finally, to settle the matter once and for all, they
     went up to the top of the Empire State Building and proceeded to
     unzip their flies.
         "Pretty good, huh?" said Mort, whose organ was hanging all the
     way down to the fifty-seventh floor.
         "I got you beat cold," said Bill, whose member was dangling just
     below a window on the forty-ninth.
          They looked over at the third guy, who was dancing a curious
     sort of jig, jumping from one foot to the other and peering
     anxiously over the edge of the observation deck.
         "What the hell are you doing, Harry?" they asked.
         "Dodging traffic!" he replied.

Unicorns aren't mythical -- virgins are!


Q: What time of day was Adam born?
A: A little before Eve.

Q: When was radio first mentioned in the Bible?
A: When God took a rib from Adam and made a loudpeaker.

What a good thing Adam had...when he said something, he knew
nobody had said it before.

Eve:  "Adam, do you love me?"
Adam: "Who else?"

  The first Adam-splitting gave us Eve - a force which ingeneous
men of all ages have never gotten under control.

Adam was created first - to give him a chance to say something.

Power corrupts, but we need the electricity

What's blue and squirms in the corner?
 -A baby with a plastic bag.

Why is sex spelled S-E-X?
-It's too hard to spell Uhhhh, Ahhhhhh, and Aieee!!!

I say to the doctor, "It seems as I get older, my ears
get bigger!".
   The doctor, he say to me, "This is not unusual.  All
extremities tend to get larger as we get older.".
   I tell the doctor "Well, maybe this is good thing, this
might do something for my weenie!".
   The doctor says "You know, the problem with them ears,
is when they get big they get floppy.".

Do you know what a Polish 7 course meal is?
A six-pack and a kielbasa!

There was a newly married couple and the wife was just a bit
unsure of herself around the house.
  One day a floorboard on the back porch broke and when her hubbie
came home she asked if he could fix it.  "WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE A
CARPENTER", he bellowed, "call a carpenter to fix it."
  A few days later she had an electrical problem and again waited for
her husband to come home and again got this response, "WHAT DO I LOOK
LIKE,AN ELECTRICIAN?  call an electrician to fix it."
  Well a couple of weeks past and  when the husband came home
from work his wife told him that there had been a problem with
the plumbing, but, she had called the plumber and everything had
been taken care of.  "Great!" he said, "that's the way to do things,
how much did he charge?"  "Well", she told him, "he wanted either
10 pies, or sex."  "I hope you gave him the pies" he said.
"WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE BETTY CROCKER"

How do you unload a truck full of babies?
With a pitchfolk.

        The doctor told Henry that he had cancer and could
expect to live only another 4 to 5 weeks.  Henry told his
buddies he was dying of AIDS.  Doc called Henry in to ask
him why he was saying it was AIDS instead of cancer.  Henry
replied, "I don't want anybody messing with my wife after
I'm gone."

Do you know why Scotsman wear kilts??
Sheep can hear a Zipper a mile away.

I used to live in Wyoming, in a small town called Frontier
(well, actually a suburb of Frontier called Kemmerer.  That
is pronounced Kemer.  No, ya gotta say it FASTER).  Needless
to say, there wasn't much to do besides drink in a local bar
called the Frontier Bar (Or was it Lester's Liquor Locker?).
One day, me and my mining buddies were tossing down a few
cool ones, and a dog walks in, walks up to the bar and says,
"Gimme a beer".  Evidently this type of thing isn't too rare
in Wyoming, because the bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we
don't serve dogs here."  The dog then took out a dollar, and
said, "Look, I got money, and I want a beer."  This scene
had the potential to get ugly. The bartender said one more
time, "We do not serve dogs here.  Please leave."  The dog
growled, and then the bartender pulled out a gun and shot
the dog in the foot.  The dog yelped, and ran out the door.
     The next day, I happened to be in the same
     establishment, and we were again drinking a few beers.
     Then, the swinging bar doors were tossed open, and in walks
     the dog we saw the day before.  He was dressed all in black.
     A black cowboy hat, a black vest, three black cowboy boots
     and one black bandage.  The dog looks around, waits for the
     talking to quiet down, and says,
"I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

Guy looking for his friend pops in a barber shop and asks:
Hey! Bob Peters here?
Barber replies:
No. Just heads.

        The Answer is:  "Marcus Welby ... Pickled Herring... and
                         Doris Day."
        And the Question -- "Name a surgeon, a sturgeon, and a virgin!"

A salesman is assigned a new route that takes him into Texas
for the first time.
After reaching his first stop in Texas, it was late so he
checked into a motel. And went to it's restaurant for diner.
He ordered a small beer. The waitress brought him a huge mug.
"Waitress" he said," I ordered a small beer." She said," this
is Texas, in Texas this is a small beer." Then he ordered a
petite steak and the waitress brought him a two inch thick
stake so big the sides of it were hanging off the edge of the pater.
"Waitress, I ordered a petite stake"
She told him that in Texas that was a petite stake. After a
while all that beer was getting to him, so he ask the
waitress where the rest room was. She told him to go down the
hall two doors and turn to the  *RIGHT*. He staggered down
the hall two doors, turned *LEFT*,and walked into the hotel
swimming pool. As he bobbed to the surface, he screamed,
"DON'T FLUSH IT!"

Happiness is a warm modem

One day a proud father brought his 21 year old son into a
neighborhood bar for a birthday drink. This is not unusual except
that this proud fathers son had no body, he was just a head. The
father ordered to crown royals over and gave his son a sip. POP the
son suddenly had a body! Amazed the father gave him another sip and
POP he sprouted legs! The father overcome with joy gave him another
sip and POP he sprouted arms! Complete and Amazed the son raised his
glass and took the final sip in his glass and KABOOM he exploded all
over the bar!
  The Point to All This long Winded Shit: Always Know and Quit When Your
A-Head!

Pollock goes into store and ask clerk for a link of Polish Sausage.
The clerk ask him if he is polish and this makes him angry as hell
so he ask the clerk if he would have asked him if he were Italian if
he had ordered Italian sausage. The clerk simply replied that he would
not have asked. The pollock then wanted to know why then did he ask
if he were Polish. The clerk replied "Because this is a hardware store"

"It's time someone put his foot down around here.
 And that foot...is me."

THE ANSWER IS: Ciss
               Boom
               Baaaaaaa
The question is "what sound does an exploding sheep make?"

She was married to a Jew but split up because she never knew if
she was Carmen or Cohen.

A couple were relaxing on their front lawn one day when a couple of
sailors walked by. One sailor complimented them on their lovely
peach tree. The husband replied, "thanks, but it's a plum tree,
actually." The sailor said, "Sorry, but you're mistaken, it is a
peach tree." The wife spoke up, "Look, he knows fruit, salts."

    A draftee went for his physical wearing a truss and with papers
  that were stamped "M.E." for "Medically Exempt".
    Afterward a friend borrowed the truss to wear for his
  physical.
    At the end of the examination the doctor stamped "M.E" on his
  papers. "Does this mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked the
  doctor.
    "No," replied the doctor. "M.E. stands for Middle East.
  Anyone who can wear a truss upside down can ride a camel."

    The story is told of a young Czechoslovakian, a Russian
  officer, a little old lady, and an attractive young woman
  riding on a train.
    Shortly after the train entered a dark tunnel, the passengers
  heard a kiss, then a loud slap.
    The girl thought,"Isn't it odd the Russian tried to kiss the
  old lady and not me?"
    The old lady thought,"That is a good girl with fine morals."
    The Russian officer thought,"That Czech officer is a smart
  fellow; he steals the kiss and I get slapped."
    The Czech thought,"Perfect. I kiss the back of my hand, slap
  a Russian officer, and get away with it!"

     Said the FBI agent to the bank teller after the bank was
   robbed for the third time by the same bandit, "Did you notice
   anything special about the man?"
     "Yes, he seemed better dressed each time."

     An Army base staff was planning war games did not want to use
   live ammunition. Instead they informed the men, "In place of a
   rifle, you go `Bang bang'. Inplace of a knife, you go `Stab
   stab'. In place of a hand grenade, you go `Lob lob'.
     The game progressed until one of the soldiers saw one of the
   enemy. He went "Bang, bang," but nothing happened. He ran
   forward and went, "Stab, stab," but nothing happened. He ran
   back and went, "Lob, lob," but nothing happened. Finally he
   walked up to the enemy and siad, "You're not playing fair. I
   went `Bang, bang' and `Stab, stab' and `Lob, lob' and you
   haven't fallen dead!
     The enemy responded, "Rumble, rumble, I'm a tank!"

     This is the Fertilizer Club.  It will not cost you a
cent to join.  Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address
at the top of this list and shit in their garden.  You will
not be the only one there, so don't be embarrassed.  Then,
make five copies of this letter and send or give them to your
friends who appreciate Organic Gardening.  You will not
receive any money or checks, but within one week, if this
chain is not broken, there will be 9,916 people shitting in
your garden.  Your reward will come next summer when you have
the most productive garden in your neighborhood.


1.  Mr. Will E. Krapp              5.  Mr. Smelly B. Hind
    1422 Enema Way                     4766 Die Rea Way
    Stewsburg, Mass.                   Loosely, Va.


2.  Mrs. Luce Bowls                6.  Mrs. C. Howie Phartz
    30 Bedpan Ave.                     875 Rectum Road
    Poopie, Ill.                       Gas Pain, Col.


3.  Mr. Hem E. Roids               7.  Mr. Bigger Movements
    12 Piles Drive                     2745 Fertilizer Way
    Fartford, Wis.                     Pooptown, Ind.


4.  Mr. A. S. Hole
    Dark Hollow Drive
    Colon, Wash.

Guy says to his friend, "My wife says your head feels just like
her ass." Friend reaches up, feels his head and says, "You know,
she's right!"

Old lady says to her husband, "For heavens sake, zip up your fly,
it's open." Husband replies, "No problem, dead birds don't fall
out of their nests."

 Did you hear about the polish helicopter pilot?
 He was cold so he shut the fan off.

 What goes VROOOM-SCREECH, VROOOM-SCREECH, VROOOM-SCREECH?
 A pollack trying to go through a blinking red light.

How do you get 100 babies in a telephone booth?
Blender.

Does a bird's circumcision yield WING TIPS?

Not tonight, Chekov, I have an earache.

Rebel Without A Clue...

There were these three unemployed guys, Leroy (a black), Chico (a
Mexican), and Stosh (a Pole). They lived together on their welfare
checks in a tiny apartment. One day, a letter came for them from the
Welfare people telling them to report to the state employment office or
they would lose their welfare payments. To make a long story short,
Stosh was offered a job loading frozen shrimp at the docks. it was a
good job, too.  Being unionized, it paid $22/hour.
  When he got home, Stosh told Chico: "Wake me at 5:30 because I have to
be at work at 6:30 and the foreman that hired me told me I must not be
late!"
  That night, after Stosh fell asleep, Chico and Leroy were complaining
about the obvious discrimination. "They only hired him because he's
white" said Leroy. Then they hatched a clever plan to prove that Stosh
was hired because of his race. They got black shoe polish and covered
Stosh's face to make him appear black.
  The next morning, Chico woke Stosh at 6:00 and told him to rush because
it was a 1/2 hour late. When Stosh got to the docks, the foreman asked
him who he was. Stosh told him he was the new employee. "You can't be"
said the foreman. "You're black and the man I hired was white."
  "But I'm white" protested Stosh. The foreman said "If you don't believe
me, go into the men's room and look in the mirror".
  Stosh did that and when he saw his face he exclaimed: "Goddamn Mexican
woke up the wrong guy!"

        A manufacturer of electric light bulbs was talking to the owner
of a theater.  "I'd like to supply you with bulbs for your marquee,"
the manufacturer said, "and it wont cost you a cent.  It will enable me
to realize a lifelong ambition."
        "If I accept the free bulb," the curious theater man asked,
"will you tell me about this ambition of yours?"
        "Sure," the man said. "It's just that I've always dreamed of
seeing my lights up in names."

�1.  Do they have a 4th of July in England?
     Of course they do, Uncle Sam.

�2.  How many birthdays does the average man have?
     Only one. When he was born.

�3.  Some months have 31 days, how many have 28?
     All the months (kid joke).

�4.  A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's
     sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
     Because the beggar is a woman.

�5.  Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
     Because he is still alive.  But this is only a technicality.  We
     Canadians would love to bury a Yankee dead or alive.

�6.  How many outs are there in an inning?
     6

�7.  Is it illegal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
     Why?
     Heck almost anything is possible in California.

�8.  Two men play 5 games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of
     games.  There are no ties.  Explain this.
     They did not play with each other.

�9.  Divide 30 by half and add 10.  What is the answer?
     70

�13. If you have one match and you walk into a room where there is an
     oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one
     would you light first?
     The Match!

�14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
     Halfway.

�15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half
     hour.  How long would the pills last?
     90 minutes

�16. A farmer has 17 sheep.  All but 9 die.  How many does he have left?
     9

�17. How many animals of both sexes did Moses take into the Ark?
     As many as would fit.

�18. A clerk in a butcher shop is 5'10" tall.  What does he weigh?
     Meat.

�19. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
     12

�20. What was the president's name in 1950?
     The same as is now, George Bush.

Under the old apple tree.... is where she first showed it to me...
She showed me her spot and she called it a twat.. But it looked like an
asshole to me....

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the
best: The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability
to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and
his prey had nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his
claim on his strength---none in the forest dared to
challenge him.  The third, a skunk, insisted he needed
neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.
As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and
swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!

There were these two strings walking down the road when they
came to a bar.  They decided to stop in and have a few
drinks.  So they sat down at a table and noticed that they
were not going to be served. So the first string said that
he would go up to the bar and get a couple of beers.
  First string: Hey bartender, how about a couple of beers.
Bar tender:  Sorry, but we don't serve strings here.
  So the first string returned to the table and informed the second string
of the problem.  The second string said "no problem, I'll take care of
this."  So the second string stood up, Frazzeled his ends a bit and tied
himself into a knot.  He then walked up to the bar..
  Second string:  Hey bartender, how about a couple of beers.
Bar tender:  Hey, aren't you a string?
  Second string:  I'm a frayed knot...    they got the beers...

     A butcher got along great with everyone in the
     neighborhood except a mysterious swami. They hated each
     other! One evening, the swami's pregnant wife had intense
     cravings for liver, however, and the swami had to go into
     his enemy's shop. "Give me a pound of liver," he said to the
     butcher's clerk. The butcher whispered to the clerk from the
     back of the shop, "Here's our chance to screw that no-good
     bum." Pointing to the clerk's thumb, he said, "Weigh down
     upon the swami's liver!"

This guy Fred is really in love with his girl friend Wendy, and decides to do
something special for her.  He has her name tatooed on his weiner.  Fred and
Wendy decide to take a trip to Jamaica in the Carribean.  When they arrive
after their flight Fred has to go to the bathroom.  He goes up to one of the
stalls and as he is going, this big black guy walks up to the next stall
and starts to pee too.  Wouldn't you know this black guy has WENDY tatooed on
his weiner too.  Fred asks the guy if his girlfriends' name is Wendy because of
his tatoo.  The black guy says NO.  When I'm excited it spells out Welcome
To Jamaica Man - Have a Nice Day.

Momma mouse was getting food in the kitchen with her baby when the cat
pounced in. Snatching up the kid Momma ran for the mousehole but it was
obvious she wasn't going to make it. Finally in desperation she whipped
around and shouted "Bark, Bark" at the cat. The cat skidded to a halt
and ran away.
Momma mouse turned to her baby and said, "You see how important it is to
learn a foreign language!"

Laurel and Loren were this newlywed white couple that wanted to
raise black children, and set out to work. Nine moths later, the fruits
of there labor was born: a lovely white girl. Pleased but disappointed,
Loren decided to ask a black friend of his why the couldn't have
black children.
The fellow took him aside and asked
    "Is your penis at least 1 foot long?"
    Loren said no.
    "Is it at least 3 inches thick?"
    Again Loren answered in the negative.
    "Well there's your problem man! You let in too much light!"

-- Womens Libber Joke! --
There were three men, a smart man, a dum man, and Santa Clause
walking down the street.  They saw a fifty dollar bill on the road.
Who picked it up?
            The dum man--we know there is no Santa Clause and
            there is no certainly no smart men.

I never met a man Will Rogers didn't like.

For New Year's, I gave up sex and lying.

   She said, "I'll give you just one hour and forty-five
minutes to stop that!"

Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules

     A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.  "Sorry.
 We don't serve bears here" said the bartender.  "I want a beer" says
the bear.  "I can't serve you.  It's not our policy" notes the
bartender.  Getting angrier, the bear growls and smashes his paw on the
bar "I WANT A BEER!!!!!"  "NO" shouts the bartender.  In frustration,
the bear walks over to a lady sitting in a corner table.  He eats her
whole (bones and everything).  The bear walks back to the bar and grabs
the bartender).  "I WANT A BEER" growls the bear.  "We don't serve bears
on drugs" states the bartender.
"I'm not on drugs" replies the bear.  "Yes you are" states the bartender
"That was a bar-bitch-you-ate!!

A foreigner came to the USA to get a job, he couldn't speak a word
of English. The employment counselor told him there were no job
openings for people who could speak no English, but if the man
would learn at least a couple of words, she would see what she
could find for him.
So the man went out to learn a couple of words of English, the
first place he went was a rocket launch-pad. When the rocket went
up, he got so excited, and was shouting and pointing, the other
spectators told him that was the take-off. All he could remember
was the word 'take-off' but he figured that was good for one.
The next place he went was a zoo. He saw all the animal exibits,
but he went back again and again to one certain cage. Eventually
he heard someone call the animal a zebra. He figured zebra was
good for the second word.
When he went back to the employment office, the counselor asked
him what he had learned. He answered "Take-off zebra."

Why do ballerinas wear tight outfits?
-So they don't stick to the floor when they do the splitz.

It seems that there was a couple who were going at it 69 style and
suddenly the wife let out a fart. The husband who isn't into it to begin
with looks up and says..."Thank God! A breath of fresh air!"

        There were two brothers by the name of Jones, one was
married and the other one was single.  It happened that John's
wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.  A few days later a
kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John
said " Oh, Mr. Jones, I was so sorry to hear of your great loss,
you must feel terrible.  John replied, "Well I am not a bit
sorry.  She was a rotten old thing from the start to the finish.
Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of fish and from the
time that I got her. She made water faster than anything.  She
had a bad crack and a hole in the front--the hole got larger
every time I used her and she leaked like everything; but here is
what happened."
        Four guys asked if they could rent her for the night.  I
warned them that she wasn't so hot but they said they would have
a go at her anyhow.  The result was that the fools tried to get
into her all at once and it was too much for her and she split
right up the middle.  Before Joe could say another word about his
boat, the old lady fainted on the spot.

STOMP OUT AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR!

Three men were in a balloon.  They got caught in a storm and after
being tossed about, they got lost.  When the storm calmed down, they
eventually floated passed a man on the ground.  They yelled "Where
are we?"  The man replied "You are in a balloon".  One of the men in
the balloon turned to the others and said "that man is obviously a
lawyer".  How can you tell?, the two asked.  "It's easy, the
information he gave is totally accurate, and completely useless".

A new bride, being very pure and innocent  was quite nervous about
her honeymoon night.  That evening they were staying upstairs from her
mother and wwhen bed time came and her husband took off his shirt
the nervous newlywedd ran down to her mother screaming,  "Mother, Mother
his chest is all hairy".  Mother calmley replied, "Just go back
upstairs relax and do what he says."
She returned upstairs and her husband removed his pants.  She saw
his hairy muscular legs, again she darted downstairs yelling,  "mother
Mother, his legs are all bumpy and hairy."  "relax", advised her mother,
"just go back upstairs and do what he tells you."  Well once again
she returned upstairs only to notice this time that her husband
had lost 1/2 of his left foot in an accident.  Down the stairs she ran
screaming "Mother, Mother,  he only has a foot and a half."
"wait here,  I'll be back in awhile." her mother said.

How do they take a census in poland?
Flood the cellars!

Howcan you tell the bride and groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the clean bowling shirt - she's the
one with the hair under her arms braided!

1) There once was a man with blonde hair
   who was fucking a girl on the stairs
   the banister broke
   but he doubled his stroke
   and finished her off in mid-air

2) There once was a man from Alberdeen
   who invented a jerking machine
   on the twenty-fith stroke
   the damn thing broke
   and beat his balls to a cream

3) There once was a man from New York
   who's tool was as dry as a cork
   when he attempted to screw
   his tool broke in two
   and now his tool is a fork

4) the cabin boy, the captian's joy
   a cunning little nipper
   they stuffed his ass with broken glass
   and circumsized the skipper

   So this Oriental guy goes to the eye-doctor for an examination.
   The doctor takes a look and says "You have cataracts, don't you?"
   The guy replies, "No, a Rinken Continental!"

A preacher walking down the sidewalk sees a little boy playing
with a a little bottle of turpintine.  The preacher says "Well,
hello there son, what have you got there?".  The little boy says
"This here sir, is the most powerful liquid in the world.".  The
preacher looks at the bottle and says "Oh no son, that cannot
be the most powerful liquid in the world.  The most powerful
liquid in the world is holy water.  If you take a couple of drops
of holy water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll
pass a baby girl.".  The little boy thinks about this for a
minute, perks up and says "Well ah heck, that ain't nothin.  You take
a couple of drops of this and rub it it on a cat's ass and it'll
pass a motercycle!".

Q:  What's the definition of an Italian virgin?
A:  A twelve year old that can run faster than all her brothers.

They have all sorts of new services these days. Now they have a
dial a prayer for Athiests! You call a number - and nobody
answers.

  Three Athiests were trying to bother a young Baptist minister.
"I think I will move to Nevada," said the first athiest, "only
twenty-five percent of the people there are Baptists."
  "No, I think I'd rather live in Colorado," said the second man,
"only ten percent of the people are Baptists."
  "Better yet," said the third athiest,"is New Mexico...only five
percent there are Baptists."
  "I think the best place for you all is Hades," said the
minister. "There are no Baptists there!"

Overheard: "I'm an athiest, thank God!"

Athiests are really on the spot; they have to sing "Hmmmmmm bless
America!"

As I heard it ( to the tune of the song )
             By the shade of the old apple tree,
             That's where she first showed it to me.
             It was hairy and black,
             And she called it her crack,
             But it looked like a manhole to me.......

There was a big party going on in the local mental hospital.  It was a
big event, and one of the local doctors had been invited to tour the
grounds during the festival.  When the doctor arrived, things seemed to
be going nicely, and the doctor decided to take a personal
"unauthorized" tour of the grounds.
  As the doctor began to explore within the hospitals grounds, he began to
notice that the patients were all getting this celebration with everyone
else.
  The doctor first discovers a man, who is buck naked, and painted red
from head to toe.  The doctor asks the man "why are you red?"
  The man replies "I am angry!  I am angry that people can do things and
I'm stuck in here.  I am angry that Bush is president, and that Quayle
is in office!  I am angry at everything!!!!!"
  The doctor not wanting to draw attention to himself immediately began to
walk away from this ranting angry man.  Then he approached a man painted
green.  This guy was a bit more composed, even though he was buck naken
like the mad man.  The guy immediately looked at the doctor and said
"I'm green with envy!  I am envious of you and your freedoms, the fact
that you have a life and I do not, the fact that I don't have a car, and
that my wife and kids left me!  I am envious of everyone because they
own what I can never have...sob...sob..."
  The doctor immediately began a retreat from this sorry excuse for a
patient and promptly walked into tall black man, who was buck naked and
happened to have a pear hanging off the end of his penis.
  The doctor immediately responded with "Oh, excuse me, my gosh, what's
your problem?"
  The man responded in a quiet, distant voice- "I'm fucking dis' pear."

A newfie gets married one day.  He goes home to his mother the next
day and declares that he's getting a divorce.  His mother asks him
why and he says "she is a virgin"  His mother replies "well I don't
blame you son, if she's not good enough for anybody else she's
certainly not good enough for you.

Did you hear about the newly wed newfies who didn't know the
difference between putty and vasaline?---Their windows fell out!

  So this Gorilla walks up to a dairy bar and says, "I'd like a
  vanilla milk shake, please."
    The man at the counter makes one and gives it to him, the
  gorilla puts a ten dollar bill on the counter. The man thinking
  to himself, "What can a gorilla know about money?", returns 50�
  to the gorilla. "You know, we don't get many gorillas here."
    "No wonder - at $9.50 a shake!"

Get 'em by the balls,the heart and mind follow.

Military Laws:1.
  Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

Murphy's Military Laws:2.
  No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.

Murphy's Military Laws:3.
  Friendly fire ain't.

Murphy's Military Laws:4.
  The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with
  a map.

Murphy's Military Laws:5.
  The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has
  already mined it.

Murphy's Military Laws:6.
  The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the
  enemy somebody else to shoot at.

Murphy's Military Laws:7.
  The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more
  likely your artillery will shoot short.

Murphy's Military Laws:8.
  Incoming fire has the right of way.

Murphy's Military Laws:9.
  If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.

Murphy's Military Laws:10.
  The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

Murphy's Military Laws:11.
  If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

Murphy's Miltary Laws:12.
  The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on
  abandoned positions.

Murphy's Military Laws:13.
  The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is
  incoming friendly fire.

Murphy's Military Laws:14.
  There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a
  shot at you, and miss.

Murphy's Military Laws:15.
   Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out
   of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.

Murphy's Military Laws:16.
   If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

Cthulhu saves - in case he's hungry later.

Why did God create women ?
Because sheep can't type.

Like for example, do you know how to spot a newfie Word Processor? It's the
one with whiteout on the screen.

Did you know that on the bottom of newfie coke bottles it says "Open other
end"!

When Canada came out with the $1 looney coin, they had to recall them from
NewFoundland because they kept trying to break the coins open to get the
chocolate out.

There was a man renowned for orgasming television sets. When he died, he
put into a museum of oddities. One day, a visitor inquired of her tour guide
'Does he COME cable ready?'

Profanity? I don't #$%$#^#^# use it!

Coming home early from work yesterday, I saw a neighbor jogging, nude,
down the street.
I said -- "How long have been doing this nude jogging"
He said -- "Since you came home from work early."

An Englishman, Spaniard, Frenchman, and German were having a drink in a
garden.  A butterfly swooped down and sat on the edge of the table.
"Ah, a butterfly", said the Englishman, "What a lovely name for such a
delicate, beautiful creature".
"In my country, it's papillon", said the Frenchman, "the word just rolls
off the tongue -- papillon".
"Well, we call the lovely creature a mariposa", said the Spaniard,
"mariposa".
The German replied:  "Und vat ist wrong mit Schmetterling!".

Friend of mine walking was supposed to meet a friend in a seedy joint.
Went in, and there were a bunch of guys (including my friend's friend)
shooting up and passing around the needle.
  My friend said "Jeez, guys, don't you know that you can get AIDS from
sharing needles?"
  One of the guys looks up and says "It's OK - we're all wearing condoms".

Jewish Doggie style sex: he sits up and begs for it, she rolls over
and plays dead.

Little Mike came in from school one day, and asked "Mom, if big
people can have little people, and big cats can have little cats,
why can't big trains have little train"? His mom replies "I don't
know son, why don't you ask you're dad when he gets home".
  His dad comes home and Mike asks "dad, if big people can have
little people, and big cats can have little cats,
why can't big trains have little train"? His dad replies, " I don't
know son, but I will try to find out for you".
 The following Saturday Mike and his dad are driving to the store,
and they pull into a train station, Mikes dad says " son, do you
remember the question that you asked me the other day"? "Yes " says
Mike.  Well why don't you go over and ask the train engineer.
 So, Mike goes over and asks the train engineer,"Mr. train engineer,
if big people can have little people, and big cats can have little
cats, why can't big trains have little train"?
 The train engineer thinks for a minute and then replies " well son,
I guess it is because big trains always pull out on time.

While fishing at Toho  I was baiting my hook when two six foot tall
mosquitos alighted in front of me. I was so horrified, I was unable
to move. One of them said, "should we eat him here or take him back
home with us?" The other one said, "let's eat him here. If we take
him back, the big mosquitoes will take him away from us."

I saw this on a tee shirt yesterday.
 Blown by Hugo...but still erect.

How do you get 29 newfies into a small car?
Throw in a can of beans.

No Beelzebub, I don't talk to demons.

Why did God create women ?
To give the sheep a rest.

What's white and red and sits in the corner?
A baby chewing on razor blades.

Why do they boil water when a baby is being born?
In case it dies, they can make soup.

What is 96?
69, the cost of eating out went up!

America, where you park on the driveway!

         A Rabbi who lived in Peru,
         Was vainly attempting to screw.
         His wife said,"Oye Vey!  If you keep on this way,
         The Messiah will come before you."

Whats the hardest part of eating a vegetable?
The wheelchair!

I don't have no grammar difficulties.

What happens when a Keebler Elf throws up?
He tosses his cookies!

 Since a lot of people have been passing out questionares, I thought I'd
it one of my own.

1) Are you a liar?
 A) Yes  B) No C) None of the above

2) Do you fill out questionnares correctly?
 A) Yes  B) No C) None of the above D) I refuse to answer.

3) Have you ever committed adultery?
 A) Yes  B) No C) None of the above D) I refuse to answer.
   If the answer is A or D, answer number 4.
4) Who did you commit adultery with? Please give her name and number.

5) In your opinion, are these questionnares a waste of time?

6) Are you:
 A) Sexually Active  B) A Married Person C) A Nun  D) Sterile
7) Seriously: Which came first: the TV or TV stations?

8) Rhetorical: Is that understood young man?

9) Are you a drug dealer? Please list your sales for the last 3 months.

10) Are you a pimp?


Catch a breath of morning exhaust fumes.

Japanese visitor goes to a bank in Britain just as it opens and asks to
change Yen into Pounds.
  "I'm sorry, Sir, but you'll have to come back after 12noon, as our
computers are down and we don't have the exchange rate yet," said the
teller.
  "But want to change Yen to Pounds", replied the visitor.
  "I'm sorry, but you'll have to return after noon," said the teller.
  "Need to change Yen to Pounds", insisted the visitor.
  "You don't understand ... we don't have the exchange rate yet, so I
can't change your money.  Currency fluctuations, you see" replied the
teller.
  "Currency Whaaaaaaaaaaa?" inquired the visitor.
"Fluctuations  -  Fluctuations" said the exasperated teller.
   "Ah, fluc you British, too then" yelled the visitor as he stormed out of
the bank.