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Cliff Tragedy - Eileen Dover
The Tiger's Revenge - Claude Hands
The Haunted House - Hugo First
This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man
sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what
she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man
sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about
to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes
pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times
you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to
wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenarate are you?" The man replies,
"I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such
that when I sneeze, I have an orgasam." The woman then says, "Oh, how
strange. What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and says,
"Pepper."
Suppose there were no hypothetical situations.
A rock band's drummer thought he would make a good policman, he was
use to pounding a beat.
A man was taken to the polic station and asked to confess, they showed
him his fingerprints, and those found at the crime. "But they're whorls
apart!"
A mafia hitman was taking a poor guy for a ride, a slay ride.
While in jail a man worked on his alibiography.
The officers busted a picture over a man's head. He was framed.
A gasoline carrier is like a polic car, it's a petrol wagon.
A dishonest man and a harp struck by lighting are both a blasted lyre.
Was he conceited? He's eight feet tall and plays the flute, he's clearly
high-flutin'.
His wife was a brunnette, he had married a blonde, but then she dyed.
The guy's average income was around midnight.
The engaged couple had met in a revolving door and started going around
together.
"What was Mrs Jone's maiden name?" "Why, her maiden aim was to get
married."
A driver with a truck load a hogs was looking for a porking place.
His engine was smoking, but it that was ok, it was old enough.
He agreed with the sign, "Fine for parking."
A taxi driver is a man who drives away customers.
You have to watch out for rattlesnakes, they'll strike, they've form a
union.
In a farm town the whole nieghborhood was stirred up, spring ploughing.
A husband was working in the backyard while his wife lay in bed with
a very bad cold. "How's the wife?" "Not so good." "Sorry, is that her
coughin?" "Oh, no. This here's a chicken coop."
When the pigs back into the electric fence, there is a short circus.
A old man who was hard of hearing went into the art museum looking for
a forty foot mule.
Everyone knows the four seasons are pepper, salt, vinegar, and oil.
Everyone knows the moon is really made of silver, it's quarters and
halves.
A job description, how true? "The principal activities of this senior
clerk is to take care of some of the cuties of the commisioner."
The politicians three R's, this is Ours, that is Ours, everything is Ours.
He owns ten gaoline stations and not one had a roof, no overhead.
Cleopatra lived and loved on denial.
A wife to her husband, "How come you got insulate?"
He's a nice kid, but he can lilac anything.
He really liked going to the denist, it was a drilling time.
He thought he was twins, his mom had a picture of him as two.
He wanted a pet, asked for an octopus, he thought it would be an
eight-sided cat.
The dog was chasing it's tail, he was trying to make both ends meet.
She enjoyed the song in sunday school, it was about a cross eyed bear
named Glady. The song was "Gladly the cross I'd bear."
At first the dog was named Ben, then it had puppies, now it's Ben Hur.
He thought Good Friday was a holiday for the guy who worked with Robinson
Crusoe.
Dr. Jones fell in the well and died without a moan.
He should have tended to the sick, and let the well alone.
Ruth rode in my new cycle car in the seat in back of me;
I took a bump at fifty-five and rode on Ruthlessly.
He who courts and goes away, may court again another day;
But he who weds and courts girls still, may go to court against his will.
Daffynitions:
Fad: In one era and out the other.
Gossip: A prattlesnake.
Wolf: A big dame hunter.
Weasel: It blows at noon.
Calgary, Alberta Feb 17 1988 AP;
A disturbance interrupted the second hockey game between Poland and
Czeckoslavakia today. When the Czech team skated onto the ice in their
new Michael Jackson look team uniforms, the New Polish team (the tallest
hockey team ever put into a uniform, averaging slightly more than 3 meters
tall) refused to take to the ice. When the referee asked why they would not
play the odd looking Czech team the Polish coach Stanislaus Yarchevski said,
"We wouldn't touch a BAD Czech with a 10 foot Pole".
Nothing really happened during Rev. Swaggart's encounter with the
prostitute--all he did was ask her for money.
Q: What are the four enemies of Soviet Agriculture?
A: Spring, Summer, Winter, and Fall.
Q: How do you stop a runaway horse?
A: Bet on him.
Q: How many animals did Moses take onto the ark with him?
A: None. \fBNoah\fP had the ark.
Q: What do you call tax-exempt TV Evangalists?
A: Windfall Prophets.
Q: If somebody gives you fifty female pigs and fifty male deer,
what do you have?
A: One hundred sows and bucks.
Cat 1: I tell you I saw a mouse go into that hole.
Cat 2: You better not feline to me.
Top 5 most incredibly mind-bogglingly stupid questions
5. If 0/N=0, N/N=1 and N/0 is undefined, then what is 0/0?
4. Do fish get thirsty?
3. How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
2. Do vampires get AIDS?
1. Did Adam and Eve have belly-buttons?
Here are some of my favorite jokes from the HBO special Jackie Mason
On Broadway. Keep in mind that Jackie is a former rabbi. His father
and two brothers are also rabbis.
"I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian.
If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!"
"I've got another friend who is half-Polish and half-Jewish.
He's a janitor, but he owns the building!"
"I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish.
He hates Jews but can't remember why!"
Did you hear about the <certain ethnic> accountant who became
am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!
It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles.
After the show, all the gentiles are saying "Have a drink?
Want a drink? Let's have a drink!" while all the Jews are
saying "Have you eaten yet? Let's have coffee and cake!"
When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all
the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc.
Jews, on the other hand, return and say "I had this slice of
cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make
it! It was great!"
Subject: Oh, you're just going to shoot your wife???
This morning's Mercury carried an article about the visit of the Royal
Stand-ins,
Andrew and Fergie, to L.A.'s British Fest. A man was arrested nearby for
carrying a rifle. It was subsequently determined that the event was
independent
of the royal visit, that the man was toting his gun around because of a
domestic
spat. So he was immediately released, and given back his gun.
Tweedledee: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Tweedledum: No...
Tweedledee: Good.
More stupid robber stories
Heard on the radio this morning about a guy who walked into a bank
and presented a teller with a note that read "I have a gun. Give me
all your money. Bang." The teller gave him the money and he walked
out of the bank. He was caught only a short while later. Why? He
had written the note on the back of his parole card.
The fellow robbed something like a supermarket of about $5000 (value
approximate and probably wrong, since it is from fuzzy memory). The
local newspaper ran the story, but with the amount given as $7000. The
thief called the newspaper to complain about the inaccuracy and to
suggest that maybe the store manager ripped off the extra $2000 and was
unjustly blaming the thief. The people at the newspaper kept him busy
on the phone giving his version of the story while the police traced
the call to a phone booth and arrived to arrest him while he was still
talking to the newspaper!
Here's another one about an unlucky purse snatcher. In the middle
of last year, I heard a story about a purse snatcher (in England, I
believe) who snatched a woman's purse. Much to his surprise and
dismay, he found an arm attached to it after he'd grabbed it. It
seems that the woman had a prosthetic arm, and he picked the right (or
wrong) arm. Apparently, the guy babbled for quite a while, and the
woman called the police, and they picked him up, still babbling.
This happened to somebody on jury duty 10-15 years ago.
The people who weren't on a case had been excused to go to lunch.
Well, when it was time to be back in the room waiting to be called on
there were two people missing. Well the bailiff in charge was getting
a little annoyed when he got a call from the police who are located
in the courthouse.
The police said are you missing two of your jurors, so-and-so and
so-and-so2? The bailiff said yes. Then the police said, well we have
them in jail up here. They were arrested for shoplifting.
I heard on the radio this morning about a man who had a small amount
of cocaine in his suitcase when he was coming through customs. For some
reason, he knew that the customs officials were going to search his bag.
So he grabbed someone elses bag off the carousel and went through customs.
When the officials opened up the suitcase, they found several pounds of
marijuana in it.
The original post up here about the theft of the apple laserwriter plus from
the computer center here at Carnegie Mellon was, shall we say, somewhat
inaccurate. I just happen to be the roomate of the guy who trapped the thief.
This is his story (ds6w+@andrew.cmu.edu). By the way, everything you are about
to read is TRUE. I was there when it all came down........
Random Info :
Baker Hall - One of the BIG academic buildings here. The cluster has 20
sun
3/50's, 20 each Mac and IBM PC's. The laserwriter (called cedar - all andrew
printers are named after trees :-)) was stolen from the UCC across campus from
Baker. BTW, the UCC cluster doesn't even have macintosh's. You'll understand
why this is important later on.
Academic Computing - the people who run the clusters and hire the PCons
(ie
Don)
(voiceover the dragnet theme):
On Jan 16, at approximately 2:00 am, a $4,000 laserwriter printer was stolen
>from the main computing cluster of CMU. As the printer was not alarmed and
unwatched, the suspect simply walked in and carried it off. Witnesses
described the suspect as a black male, 6'2", very heavily built and "mean
looking". This is the story of how that printer was recovered. My name is Don
Snow. I'm a computer hacker. (Dragnet theme: dum, ta-dum, dum)
By Jan 16, 2:00, the word was out on all the bulletin boards. I was at my
usually scheduled post in the Baker Hall computer cluster. I worked until
6:00. My replacement was late, so I had to wait until they rotated somebody
over to relive me. At approximately 5:30, I received a strange phone call:
me: Baker hall, what can I do for you?
voice: are you in front of the printer right now?
me: no.
voice: can you get to the printer while still on the phone and still be
in front of a mac?
me: no, there is no mac next to this printer
voice:ok, thanks, (whispered to people on the other side) just be quiet
and call security, I'll handle this.
[disconnected]
Obviously, something was up. (dum, ta-dum, dum)
At 5:50, received visit from campus security. Officer explained meaning of
phone call. Suspect had called the main computing center, claiming to be the
consultant in Baker Hall, asking how to hook up an apple laserwriter printer
to a macintosh. The call to me confirmed the fact that he was not the
consultant, because it was impossible to be on the phone and in front of a mac
and in front of the printer in Baker Hall as the suspect claimed. (dum, ta -
dum, dum daaaaa)
The word went out to all clusters who had laserwriters to be on the lookout
for a phone caller asking about laserwriters. At 6:20, I received another
call:
me: baker hall, how can I help you?
voice: yeah, I'm the consultant over at the main computer center, and I
need to restart the laserwriter for the macintosh. I'm getting this strange
error message. Can you help me?
me: sure, let me get the manual.
I then put my hand over the receiver and whispered "security" to my friend
sitting next to me, who immediately got up and ran out of the cluster. I then
began to stall the person on the other line.
me: now, what is the error message?
voice: unauthorized password failure.
me: sounds bad. let me look it up.
(5 minute pause of holding the receiver)
me: no there's nothing here...oh, I see why. This is the dinky users
manual and not the reference manual. hold on.
(5 minute pause)
me: ok, I got the right one, here we go. I'm looking at the index now.
me: hold on, I have to help a user.
(5 minute pause)
me: ok, I think I know what the problem is. You probably have the print
options configured wrong.
voice: no, I have all the options under print right
me: do you have the reduced bit map set?
voice: that is not on the menu
me: its on a secondary menu
(I then begin to have him toggle all the print options. Security arrives and
begins phone trace)
(later, after toggling about 5 print options)
voice: what do you mean, try setting the font substitution? that should
have nothing to do with the password.
me: (I begin to spew out technical garbage) Actually, it might. the
problem might be that the fonts you are using are not standard, and thus, the
mac is giving the printer a non-standard password which the laserwriter
doesn't understand.
voice: but I'm using "times" font! that has to be standard!
me: (calmly) yes, but the version of "times" from the MacDraw document
may an old version and therefore be outdated and thus in a non-standard form
than that of the laserwriter, which is thus expecting the standard print
toggle from the mac. Toggling the font substitution would tell the mac to send
the codes to the printer triggering the printer to be ready to receive non
standard fonts, and thus allow a smooth transfer of your document from mac to
printer. try it.
voice: OH, i see now. let me do it. no, it still isn't working.
me: er, hold on, I have to help another user.
(5 minute pause)
[disconnected]
Total elapsed time of stall: 40 minutes. Phone trace: successful.
On Jan 18, suspect was arrested in possession of printer, along with $20,000
more stolen computer hardware. Suspect made full confession. Case closed (dum,
ta - dum, dum daaaa, da da da dum!)
Inscription on gold plaque from Academic Computing:
"Presented to Donald Snow in recognition of his
invaluable assistance in the recovery of the LaserWriter
stolen from the UCC cluster on January 16, 1988. Don's
impersonation of a helpful user consultant held the thief on
the phone long enough for a successful phone trace."
----------------------------------------------------
Nay, lad! *Deciding's* not your ploy,
For that's a risky game.
It's *making a decision*
That's your surest road to fame.
Decide means to take action,
And actions rock the boat,
And if you act and don't succeed,
Small chance you'll stay afloat.
But... making a decision,
Ah! that's the way to swing.
It keeps the masses happy
And doesn't change a thing.
So get yourself a task force
Well skilled in all the arts
And call them all together
And watch them flip their charts.
For Jack says no and Jim says yes
And Billy says perhaps
And Chester asks good questions
... When he isn't taking naps.
And Bertram, chomping his cigar,
Is chock full of statistics,
While Waldemar, who puffs a pipe,
Is famed for his heuristics.
"The figures prove --" "The model says --"
"The forecast bears me out."
"The complex simplex program
Shows I'm right without a doubt."
Let's tiptoe out and close the door
And let them stew a while.
No fear that they'll do something rash,
for *doing's* not their style.
Reality's an untamed beast
That's difficult to master,
But models are quite docile
And give you answer faster.
So diddle with a model
To glorify your name,
Then get yourself a task force
And learn to play the game.
It was finals week at the college. The students had filed into the
auditorium, and picked up their blue-books for the test. This particular
class had been in aviaian biology and identification. The professor
was known to give very difficult finals, and weighed them heavily in
the grade.
Looking down to the table in the front of the room, the students
saw several stands with stuffed and mounted birds. They could see that
they were birds, as the feet were visible below the burlap sacks that
had been placed over them. And beside each was a small sign with a
number.
The bell rang, the professor allowed a moment for the noise to die
down, and them addressed the class. "Todays final will count, as you
know for a large percentage of the grade. But the directions for the
test are simple. You are to identify each of the birds on the table
before you. Write the number, and the latin and common name of the
creature associated with it, on your paper. When you have completed the
identifications, you may leave. Begin.", and with that he sat down.
One of the students, a few rows back from the front gestured for
the profs attention, and asked a question, "Uh, professor, are you
going to remove the sacks so we can see the birds?".
"No... If you've been following the lectures through the term, you
should be able to identify each of them by its feet alone. You should
have realized the areas that I was stressing, in class and in the
reading assignments."
The student, becoming a little alarmed, "You mean, you expect
us to be able to know one of these from the others just by its feet.
That's unreasonable."
"I'm sorry you're dismayed by this test. Perhaps if you'll begin
it'll go better than you expect, and then the others can begin
also."
"No, this is absurd. I'm not going to take this test. This is
outrageous. I'm leaving." And the student begins to gather up his
pencils, and day-pack.
"If you're leaving, tell me your name, so I can mark you off in my
The irate student, holding up his feet so the
prof can see them, replies, "YOU FIGURE IT OUT!"
----------------------------------------------------
Cromwell and Rasputin
by
as submitted to
Dr. Richard King
The following essay was an actual submission by a stu-
dent, who was given the assignment: ``Write a term paper
comparing and contrasting two revolutionary figures of your
choice. The figures are to be selected from different
periods of European history.''
Unlike most papers of student bloopers, which are col-
laborative efforts, this one is the work of the exception-
ally fruitful pen of a single student. Read it and enjoy!
The English and the Russian revolutions had a leader
that stood out to have an effect on the revolution. For the
Russian it was Rasputin. He was born in the reign of the
Tsar-Emperor Alexander the Second, absolute ruler of over a
hundred million people consisting of fifty some nationali-
ties and speaking nearly two-hundred-different languages or
dialects. This empire stretched from the Prussian border to
beyond the Pacific Ocean. Rasputin was an Autocrat who
ruled by himself. He was free to appoint and dismiss minis-
ters as he pleased. Then theirs Oliver Cromwell, a man who
stood for the commission of the unthinkable act, the execu-
tion of the king, should have pushed the Commonwealth and
its leaders into further international isolation. These
were some of the issues that Oliver Cromwell drived for in
the English Revolution. Cromwell was dominant political
figure from 1649 to 1658. He had lead the attack on the
king and had many followers and support. These twoffigures,
Rasputin and Oliver Cromwell, ha had great emphasis on the
outcome of their revolutions (Russian and English). Lets
look at some similarities and differences on how they ruled
their reign of power.
Cromwell was a careful figure who ruled intil his death
in 1658. He lead an organization of parliament forces of
centralized army called the new model army. Cromwell was an
independent so he was frightened of parliament changing
religion. Cromwell had faith in his reign, he believed that
Parliament couldn't win the civil war if they didn't try
someting different.
Rasputin was also a careful and powerful leader. When
Nicholas went to the front to take personal command of the
army, his wife Alexandra took over government affairs and
relied on Rasputin almost completely. So Rasputin also con-
trolled an army and became a successful leader. Although he
was killed by the people, it was because of the sake of the
- 2 -
people in Russia. They felt that he was discrediting Nicho-
las II. Rasputin was such a key role in ruling the army,
Alexandra went into shock because of the death of Rasputin.
Oliver Cromwell was born in 1599. He immediately took
interest in public affairs. After he had become an under-
graduate at Cambridge, his father fied which brought him
back home to take care of his mother and the family. He
also took over his fathers business which was the management
of land. Later he had experienced a change of religion to
the Puritan side. He was respected so much by his neigh-
bours from his management of land, that they choose him to
represent Huntington in the Parliament which described
itself by the Petition of Right. Cromwell, however, was
known to have interest in religion before politics. He had
never really been able to hankle constitutional questions,
and was opposite as a whole to them.
Rasputin, however, was also a very religious man. He
went to early mass at six o'clock in the morning at Afonskoe
Podvorie. He was so admirred, that on the way back from
mass there would be a crowd of followers behind him, who
accompanied him into the dining room for breakfast. Among
these guests were petitioners who arrived around eight
o'clock. Rasputin was always called upon by Tsarskoe Selo
at ten o'clock, even thought he was usually sleeping by this
time. A secret came out that Rasputin was prepared to carry
out various transactions, arrange reals of military ser-
vices, get sentences of imprisonment released, or dispose of
the granting of concessions. While known that Rasputin was
open for bribes, also took into consideration the help of
petitioners who came to him with nothing.
These two leaders, and their different personalities
make them both uneque. These two leaders had great effect
on the outcome of their revolutions. Even though their
techneques were not exactly alike they had similarities in
their personal behavior and their beliefs. These two fig-
ures reigned at two different times and are also two dif-
ferent people in most respects.
A Young mother was once again pregnant and trying to explain to her little girl
how she had got this way. She explained how a baby was growing in her tummy,
and how it took and egg and a sperm. Daddy made the sperm, and mommy made the
egg. So the little girl asks, "so if it takes a sperm and an egg to make a
baby, and the egg is already in your tummy, then how doest the sperm get in
there. Does mommy swallow it?"
Her mother replys.."She does if she wants a new cocktail dress."
One of the ways farmers get bulls to mate with cows is to
stick their fist up the cow's vagina and move it around, thereby
getting the smell etc on their hand. The farmer then wipes the
excretion under the Bull's nose. The bull gets excited, erect,
and voila, they mate.
Well, this farmer has been unable to get it up for his wife
for the last month or so. He just can't get excited. So he's
lying in bed next to his mate, who's fallen asleep, and he
decides to see if the aforementioned technique will work with
humans.
So he sticks a couple of fingers in his wife's vagina and moves
it around and around. He then takes his hand and wipes under
his nose with it. Sure enough, he gets erect, turns on the
lights, and quickly wakes his wife up, so that he can have sex with
her.
She rolls over, looks at him, and angrily says:
"You woke me up just because you got a bloody nose?!"
a man goes to the doctor for a yearly examine & notices that his hair
is thining so he asks the doc if there is anything he can do & the
doc says no. so he stops for a drink on the way home & asks the
bartender who says "this might not work but i have heard that a
womans juices & cum can bring your hair back but i've never
tried that."
so being a divorced man, he calls his ex-wife up for a date but
at first she declines as it's her time of month. then remembering
how she likes adult movies but won't go alone, so he persuades her.
during the movie, he gets her turned on & eventually puts his hand
up her dress & fingers her. then her secretly rubs his hand on his
head. he continues to do this till his head is all tingly. as the
movie is over & the house lights come on, one blub burst & the
glass hits a lady sitting behind out man, she brushes it off then
see the man, she points & screams "my gawd, he's been shot in the head!!"
"Top Ten List Of Excuses Why A Homebrewed Beer Tastes Bad"
10: My dog peed in the fermentor.
9: Evil spirits invaded the airlock.
8: Bad? This beer doesn't taste bad.
7: Misread the word hop, thought it said MOP.
6: Followed the directions on the can.
5: Ran out of corn sugar, used C&H pure cane sugar instead.
4: Thought watermelon beer would be great at picnics.
3: Found a nest of mice in the secondary fermentor after racking.
2: My wife likes it that way.
And, the number one excuse for why a beer tastes bad...... (drumroll, please)
1: Well, theres this tribe of Indians in South America.....
Crime has left a wretched taste in the mouth of a young thief.
Seattle police said the 14-year-old made a tactical blunder while
attempting to siphon gas from Dennis Quigly's motor home last Tuesday.
"Apparently, the suspect was attempting to steal gasoline and got the
sewage tank instead," Officer Tom Umporowicz reported. Quigly, of
Bellingham, was parked near 14th Avenue South and South Concord Street.
He was inside his motor home about 1am when he heard peculiar noises
outside and phoned police. When Umporowicz arrived, he found a garden
hose hanging from the sewage tank, left by someone who had sucked on
the end to create a siphon. Umporowicz also noted a large quantity of
untreated sewage on the ground and a trail, left by the culprit, who
threw up what he ingested. The officer followed the trail to a nearby
car and found the teen-age boy curled up and retching. Please, the
boy asked the officer, call the medics. The boy was not arrested.
Quigly declined to file a complaint, figuring the boy had been punished
enough.
"It's the best laugh I've ever had," Quigly told police.
Seen in men's room
Please do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
it makes them soggy and hard to light!
Why was Bunker Hill so slippery?
Because the British were coming, the British were coming.
For those of you who know nothing about the Campanile incident at Iowa State,
here's a brief history.
In more-or-less the middle of campus of Iowa State University there sits a
carillon tower, which is more-or-less a tower with a bunch of bells that
can played somewhat like a piano. Up until this year, a carillonneur would
play the carillon every week day from 12:00 pm to 12:15 pm. However, due to
!@#%ing budget cuts, no carillonneur was hired to replace the gentleman who
retired last year.
Soooo, a deejay from a local radio station here in Ames, Iowa decided to lock
himself in the tower until he received enough donations to pay a part-time
carillonneur to play from 12 to 12:15 pm, which came to $10,000. The man
raised the money within 5 days and came out on Tuesday, September 24, 1991.
That being said, you are now adequately prepared for my Top Ten list.
TOP TEN REASONS TO LOCK YOURSELF IN THE CAMPANILE
10. Publicity stunt to increase listening audience for your radio
station
9. Enjoy "look-and-feel" of being behind bars
8. Want to soak up sympathy from the babes
7. You're not _really_ locked in there, it just _looks_ that way
6. Better to be in there than on the funny farm
5. Wanted to try that T-1000 trick of walking through bars you
saw in "Terminator 2"
4. Don't have anything better to do (Get a life!)
3. Wanted to raise money for a worthy cause: yourself
2. You've locked yourself in, and you can't get out!
1. Your face rings a bell
One more detail: the entrance to the Campanile is like an iron gate, thus
the reference to the bars.
While out Looking For A Place To Hunt: (supposedly true)
A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into
a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission
to hunt. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you
do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old
and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would
you do it for me?" The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car.
While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his
hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the
farmer had said OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going
to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his
window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed,
"There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the
passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got
the cow!"
Three old ladies were sitting around a table. The first says, "I'm
getting so forgetful- this morning I was standing at the top of the stairs
and I couldn't remember whether I was going down or had just come up."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day I was
sitting on my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or
getting up."
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, I have no memory problems at all,
knock wood." She raps the table. "Who's there?"
Saddam Hussein's Top Ten Birthday Activities
(Late Night With David Letterman - 4/30/91)
10. Pose for snapshot with moustache-shaped cake.
9. Admire trophy from staff inscribed "World's Greatest
Dictator".
8. Get photos of visit to Kuwait back from Fotomat.
7. Get birthday wish from fat weather guy on Iraqi Today
Show.
6. Strip-O-Gram from Khadafy where girl takes off veil only.
5. Go to T.G.I.Friday's; show driver's license: get free
order of Buffalo wings.
4. Suck helium out of balloons: issue execution orders in
high squeaky voice.
3. Shower. {Odd birthdays only.}
2. Hide in bunker in case U.S. Air Force decides to give him
another "surprise party".
1. Take off pants; pretend he's Ted Kennedy.
A West Virginia man, considering getting a vasectomy, decided to discuss
it with his priest.
The priest gave him various bits of advice, and suggested that he discuss
it with his doctor.
The doctor likewise advised him on various aspects, and on discovering
that he hadn't talked to his family about it yet, urged him to do so.
His family voted 14-4 in favor of it.
I heard they are opening a Toys R Us in Harlem.
What will they call it?
We B Toys n Shit
Also, a new cereal made in Harlem.....Nut-n-Bitch....
A White Christmas
=================
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost ripping up your nose
Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
And folks dressed up like buffaloes
Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
Helps to make the season right
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
Will find it hard to see tonight
They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
And every mother's child is sure to spy
To see if reindeer really scream when they die
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Fuck you
Taoism = Shit Happens.
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Confucianism = Confucius say, "Shit Happens"
Buddhism = If shit happens, it is not really shit.
Shit will happen again to you next time.
Zen-Buddhism = What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism = This shit happened before.
This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
Islam = If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism = Let shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism = If shit happens, you deserved it.
Charismatic Catholicism: Shit is happening because you deserve it,
but we love you anyway.
Judaism = Why does shit always happen to us?
New Age = A firm shit does not happen to me.
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate
I create my own shit.
Rastafarian = Let's roll that shit up and smoke it.
Jehovah's Witness = There is only a limited amount of good shit
Mormon = Hey, there's more shit over here!
Baptist = You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it
Unitarianism = Go ahead, shit anywhere you want
Iraqi Baathist = Oh shit!
Yuppie Shit = It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?
Voodoo = Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
Televangelism = Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit
stop happening.
Heisenbergism = Shit happened, we just don't know where.
Nixonism = Shit didn't happen, and if it did I didn't know anything
about it.
McCarthyism = Are you now, or have you ever been shit?
Communism = It's everybody's shit.
Capitalism = Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
Agnosticism = It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm
not sure whether its shit or not.
Atheism = It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to
taste it.
I don't believe this shit.
Realism = I think I need to take a shit.
Ella McPherson was a little naive about the ways of the world, and found
that eventually she had to attend a gynecologist. The conversation went
something like this...
EM: Hi doc, I've never been to gynecologist before and I must admit
that I am a little apprehensive.
MD: That's ok. Most women have this problem for a while. The first
thing that I want you to do is strip from the waist down.
EM: WHAT!?! Are you sure.
MD: Absolutely. I *am* a doctor and I need to be able to see you.
EM: Ok. I guess so.
MD: Right. Next, I want you to lie on that table over there.
EM: Are you sure?
MD: Yes. Remember I studied for many years and I *know* what I am
doing.
EM: Ok.
MD: Now spread your legs and put them in these stirrups.
EM: Wait a minute, surely this can't be necessary!?
MD: Yes it is. I will allow me better access and will make the
procedure simpler and quicker.
EM: Ok I guess so, I mean you *are* a doctor.
MD: Now, this instrument in called a speculum [guys, if you don't know
what this is, ask a girl - it will make the joke much funnier] and it is
*VERY* cold. When I stick it in, it is likely to feel a little strange
and might even hurt a bit. Would you like me to numb you first?
EM: Yes please doctor!
So the doctor sticks his head between her legs and goes...
NUM, NUM, NUM, NUM, NUM
One day in Norsegard (the Norwegian heaven, I think), Thor, the god of
thunder, being bored with heavenly existence decided that a quick trip
to earth would help alleviate some of this boredom. Traveling
incognito, except for his trusty hammer, Thor came across a buxom blond
(what else?) and suggested that some mutual cohabitation of a degenerate
degree would be helpful to both parties concerned. The blond, not
saying anything, and impressed with the size of Thor's hammer, nodded
her agreement. They cohabitated for three days and Thor returned home.
Upon his arrival, Odin grabbed Thor and reprimanded him: "No problem
sleeping with mortals, but you should go back and tell her your name."
Thor returned to earth, went up to the girl's house, knocked, and when
she answered said: "I'm Thor."
To which the girl lisped in reply: "You're thore, I'm tho thore I can
hardwy pee!"
There are three kinds of sex in a marriage. First is Kitchen Sex. This is
at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime.
Hence, in the kitchen. Second kind is bedroom sex. You've calmed down a
bit, perhaps have kids, you gotta do it in the bedroom. Third kind is
hallway sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say
"Fuck you."
There is also a fourth kind of sex: Courtroom sex. This is when you
get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.
HP and Motorola decided to have a boat race, on the
Thames, following the famous Oxford vs Cambridge course.
Both teams practiced hard, and came the big day, they were as
ready as they could be.
HP won by a mile.
Afterwards, the Motorola team were very downhearted, and a decision
was made that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be
found, so a working party was set up to investigate and
report.
Well, they had everybody on the working party, Sales, Systems
Engineering, Marketing, Customer Education, Field Service,
the whole lot, and after 3 months they came up with the
answer, and the working party co-ordinator gave his summary
presentation.
"The problem was", he said, "that HP had 8 people rowing
and 1 steering, whereas we had 1 person rowing and 8
steering."
The working party was then asked to go away and come up with
a plan to prevent a recurrence the following year, for Motorola's
pride had been damaged, and another defeat was not wanted.
2 months later, the working party had worked out a plan, and
the coordinator gave his (customarily brief) summary--
"The guy rowing has got to work harder"
From brennan@coco.cchs.su.oz.au Thu Sep 26 18:24:36 1991
From: brennan@coco.cchs.su.oz.au
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Graffiti!!!!!!!
Date: 25 Sep 91 15:27:49 GMT
Organization: Cumberland College of Health Sciences, The University of Sydney
Nntp-Posting-Host: coco.cchs.su.oz.au
Alienation can be fun!
AMNESIA RULES ... er ... um
An elephant is a mouse drawn to government specifications
Anarchists unite!
Archduke Ferdinand found alive - First World War a mistake!!
Autopsy is a dying practice
BEWARE OF THE DOG. Survivors will be prosecuted!
Be creative - invent a perversion
Be security conscious - 'cause 80% of people are caused by accident!
Birth control pills are habit forming
Blow your mind - smoke gunpoweder
Breakfast in London. Lunch in New York. Luggage in Bermuda!
CONFERENCE ON SCHIZOPHRENIA FRIDAY 12th - I've half a mind to attend
Cancer cures smoking
Children - beat your mother while she is young!
Cinderella married for money
Clean earth smells funny
Count Dracula your Bloody Mary is ready
Death is lifes answer to the question "WHY?"
Death is natures way of telling you to slow up
Depressive neurosis is nothing to laugh about
Does the lateral coital position mean having a bit on the side?
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep 'till noon
Don't shoot - I don't want to be president!!
Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail your friends!
Earthquake predicters are fault finders
Eggheads of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your yoke!
Euclid was a square
FOR THOSE WHO THINK LIFE IS A JOKE - JUST THINK OF THE PUNCHLINE!!!!
George Orwell was an optimist
Give your child mental blocks for christmas!
Grass is nature's way of saying "HIGH!"
Help stamp out philately!
Hire a freak today!
Hire the morally handicapped
I am a mistake - legalise abortion!
I am anonymous. Help me!
I dreamed I could wear a Maidenform bra. - TWIGGY
I think I exist; therefore I exist, I think
I think I think: therefore I think
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous
If at first you don't succeed - CHEAT!
Isaac Newton counts on his fingers
It's me and you against the world - when do we attack?
It's not the work that gets me down - it's the coffee breaks!
JESUS SAVES - he couldn't on my salary!!
KISSINGER SHOULD BE BLOODY WELL HUNG! He is, my dear, he is. - Mrs Kissinger
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone!
Lassie kills chickens
LEGALISE MENTAL TELEPATHY... I knew you were going to say that!
Life is a hereditary disease
Life, liberty and the happiness of pursuit!
Little Jack Horner's problem is more serious than he thinks!
Love thy neighbour - but don't get caught
Lower the age of puberty
Lung live tobacco
Mallet rules Croquet?
Nature never gives up. IT DID ON ME!!
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be! True - it's a thing of the past
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits
Oedipus - phone your mother
Oedipus was the first man to plug the generation gap
Of course I smoke - It's safer than breathing!
One thing about masturbation. You don't have to look your best.
Only dirty people need to wash
Pablo Picasso paints by numbers
Perry Mason bribes judges
Rasputin lives! He's in the kitchen
Reality is a crutch!
Reality is for people who can't cope with drugs
Reality is good sometimes for kicks, but don't let it get you down
Reincarnation is a pleasant surpise
Repeal inhibition
Repeal the law of gravity
Roget's Thesaurus Rules - ok, all right, very well, you bet, certainly
Rooner Spules OK
Save our slums
Save water - bathe with a friend
Sex is like money - even when its bad it's good
Sibling rivalry is for kids...
Silence those who oppose freedom of speech!
Smoke - choke - croak
Smoking bring a lump to the throat
Snoopy has flees
Sock it to me with apathy
Stamp out reality
Start an underground movement today - get yourself buried alive!
Start the day with a smile - and get it over with!
Stop air pollution - quit breathing
Superman gets into Clarke Kents' pants every morning
Support carnal knowledge!
Support free enterprise - legalise prostitution
Support the rich!
Support wild life - vote for an orgy!
Support your local police force - STEAL!
That Marquis de Sade sure knew how to hurt a guy
The best laid plans of mice and men... are all filed away somewhere
The diff between OZCO and a cactus plant - plant has pricks on the outside
The meek shall inherit the Earth! (if that's ok by the rest of you?)
The meek shall inherit the earth - they're too weak to refuse
There's more to life than meets the mind
Things are more like they used to be than they are now
Those who think they know it all upset those of us who do!
To save face - keep the lower half shut!
Today is the first day of the rest of your life - celebrate now!!
Unemployment helps stretch your coffee break
Use erogenous zone numbers
Visit your mother today. Maybe she hasn't had any problems lately
W.C. Fields is alive and drunk in Philadelphia
Wake up to insomnia!
WE ARE THE PEOPLE OUR PARENTS WARNED US ABOUT!
What has posterity ever done for me?
When I hear the word gun, I reach for my culture!
When in doubt, WORRY!
Why does free love cost so much?
Why worry about tomorrow when today is so far off?
With booze you lose with dope you hope
You'll never be the man your mother was
You're never alone with schizophrenia
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The bear turns to the rabbit and asks conversationally: "You ever have a
problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit, smugly, replies: "Nope, never."
The bear says "Good to hear it," picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with
the bunny.
Q: What's clear and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny farts.
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: You 'neak up on him.
Q: What do you call 100 rabbits side by side jumping backwards?
A: Receding hare line.
I know a rhyme about Rabbits,
that doesn't mention their habits.
Either e. e. cummings of Oscar Wilde, I don't remember who
There's this park with a bunch of rabbits in it. This one rabbit is
practicing multiplication. He's going along -- wham, bam, thank you,
ma'am; wham, bam, thank you, ma'am; wham, bam, thank you, ma'am; Sorry,
Sam!
The next day he's making the rounds of the females again -- wham, bam,
thank you, ma'am; wham, bam, thank you, ma'am; wham, bam, thank you,
ma'am; OH DAMN!
Turns out this park also has some little statues of rabbits....
What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies!
How long is a hare on a rabbit?
About 5 seconds.
I guess it works better verbally. Typing it kills the pun.
============================================================================
An Avon lady was driving down the road, when she hit a bunny rabbit.
She became absolutely horrified with the idea that she may have killed the
rabbit. So she grabbed a spray bottle out of her Avon bag, and ran out to
check on the rabbit. "Well, thank goodness the rabbit is still breathing,
but it's unconscious!" She then sprayed the contents of the bottle on the
rabbit. It almost immediatley opened its eyes, got up, and ran away. The
Avon lady got back in her car, and as she looked out the window, she saw the
the rabbit wave at her. She waved back, and drove away.
A week later, the Avon lady drove down the same road, and thought to
herself, "Hey, this is the same place where I hit that rabbit last week!"
Oddly enough, there was the rabbit at the side of the road, in the same
spot, waving to her! She reached into her bag to see what she had sprayed
on the rabbit, and the label said: "PERMANENT WAVE FOR DAMAGED HAIR"
Q: How do you catch a 'unique' rabbit?
A: You (s)neak up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: The tame (same) way.
I know they're stupid but I know a cute blonde that laughs everytime
she hears them.
You will have heard of the rabbit who washed his thing and couldn't
do a hare with it.
"If you're sad, get a bunny,
If you're sad, get a bunny,
'Cause bunnies go hop! hop!
'Cause bunnies go hop! hop!
'Cause bunnies go hophop kinda funny!"
- stolen off someone's .sig
Anthropologists do it with culture.
Archeologists do it with mummies.
Architects do it late.
Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl.
Bayseians probably do it.
Boy Scouts do it in the woods.
C++ programmers do it with class.
C++ programmers do it with private members and public objects.
Carpenters do it tongue in groove.
Chemists do it in the fume hood.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
Chess players mate better.
City Planners do it with their eyes shut.
Computer Operators do it upon mount requests.
Deprogrammers do it with sects.
Electricians do it until it Hertz!
Engineers do it with precision.
Entomologists do it with insects.
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
Firemen do it wearing rubber.
Firemen do it with a big hose.
Firemen find `em hot, and leave `em wet!
Gyneacologists mostly sniff, watch and finger.
Hypertrichologists do it with intensity.
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Lawyers do it with extensions in their briefs
Lisp programmers have to stop and collect garbage.
Mathematicians do it in theory.
Metallurgists are screw'n'edge.
Moonies do it within sects.
Multitaskers do it Everywhere: Concurrently!
Nuns do it out of habit.
Philosophers think about doing it.
Photographers do it in the dark.
Physicists do it at two places in the universe at one time.
Physicists do it like Einstein.
Physicists do it with charm.
Physicists do it with large expensive machinery.
Physicists do it with the help of an absolute Bohr (ouch!).
Politicians do it with everyone.
Popes do it in the woods.
Programmers do it all night.
Quantum mechanics do it in leaps.
RISC assembly programmers do it 1073741824 times a second.
Scuba divers do it deeper.
Shakespearean scholars do it... or don't do it, that is the question....
Smalltalk programmers have more methods.
Sociologists do it with class.
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Statisticians probably do it.
Systems programmers keep it up longer.
Typographers do it with tight kerning.
Usenet freaks do it with hard drives!
Vicars do it with amazing grace.

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