481 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
481 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
What do you call a one-legged woman?
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Ilene.
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Why did the Aggie spend all night in front of the house of ill repute?
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He was waiting for the red light to turn green.
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The only computers I trust with my women are Unix.
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Why were Helen Keller's fingers purple?
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She heard it through the grapevine.
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Remember the JAP Pimp Service slogan?
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We will sell no whine before its time.
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Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
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So she could moan with the other.
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Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?
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You would, too, if your name was Urrrrrrrgggggghhhhhh.
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What is twelve inches long and white?
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Nothing.
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What is the difference between ooooh and aaaah?
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About three inches.
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What did Raggedy Anne say to Pinnochio while sitting on his face?
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Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!
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Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
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His wife died.
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What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
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About three drinks.
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What do you do with an elephant that has three balls?
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Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.
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What is the state vegetable of New Jersey?
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Karen Anne Quinlan.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb?
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None of your business!
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How many Chicagoans does it take to change a lightbulb?
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One to hold the bulb, three to turn the ladder.
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What is the difference between a JAP and poverty?
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Poverty sucks.
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What is a Californian's favorite kind of sex?
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"Auto" eroticism.
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What are the three most difficult years for an Aggie?
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Second grade.
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Why don't Aggies become pharmacists?
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They can't fit those little bottles in the typewriter.
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Did you hear about the Aggie car pool?
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They all meet at work.
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Why were the Aggies pushing their house down the street?
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They were trying to jump-start the furnace.
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Did you hear the Aggies bought a thousand septic tanks?
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As soon as they learn to drive them, they'll invade Mexico.
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Why did God create WASP's?
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Someone has to pay retail.
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What is the difference between Jane Fonda and the Suez Canal?
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The Suez Canal is a busy ditch.
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What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute taking a bath?
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The nun has hope in her soul.
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Did you hear about the girl who rode her bike down an unpaved road?
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She was heard to say, "Hmmm, I never came this way before."
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Have you heard about the JAP Sex Manual?
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1. ------> In
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2. <------ Out
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3. Repeat, if necessary.
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?
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Keep the tip.
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Did you hear about the Republican Fried Chicken fast food restaurant?
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All they serve are right wings and a**holes.
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What is the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
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The rooster clucks defiance.
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What do you get when you cross a a rooster and a hoot owl?
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A cock that stays up all night.
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Why did they kick the leper out of the restaurant?
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They had to keep changing the finger bowls.
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What is the difference between a tribe of sly aborigines and a female
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track team?
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The first is a pack of cunning runts.
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Why are there more Democrats than Republicans?
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Who wants a piece of elephant!
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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
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Hold on to your nuts---this is no ordinary blow job.
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How can you identify Dolly Parton's kids?
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They are the ones with stretch marks around their mouths.
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What do you call sweat on Dolly Parton's breasts?
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Mountain Dew.
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Why does Dolly Parton have such small feet?
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Nothing grows in the shade.
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What is invisible and smells like carrots?
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Bunny farts.
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How do you cure a Jewish nymphomaniac?
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Marry her.
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What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?
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Beef strokenoff.
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Who is Billy Jean King's latest sponsor?
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Snap-On Tools of America.
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What is worse than rape by Jack the Ripper?
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Being fingered by Captain Hook.
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Did you hear about the new product from Proctor and Gamble?
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It's called Toxic Shock Absorber.
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Did you hear about the prostitute that died and went to heaven?
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She traded her harp for an upright organ.
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Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
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He doesn't want the world to know he's been making out with chickens.
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How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
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By moving the furniture.
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Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
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Her dog was blind, too.
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What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
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A 40-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
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Why don't midgets use tampons?
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They trip over the strings.
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Why is life like a d*ck?
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When it's soft you can't beat it, but when it's hard, you're sure
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to get f*cked.
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Did you hear about the elephant with diarrhea?
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It's all over town.
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What do you call a leper in a hot tub?
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Soup.
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Did you know production costs in the dairy business are high?
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A lot of expenses are in curd.
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Watch out for lamp manufacturers---there are a lot of shady characters.
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Stay out of the cattle business---you might get a bum steer.
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If it happens, you'll be beefing about it for a long time.
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Did you hear about the guy who went bankrupt in the laundry business?
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He says he's all washed up.
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Did you hear about the record store that discounts records when they fall
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off the charts?
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It's kind of like advertising a slipped disc.
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Did you hear about the guy who plugged his electric blanket into the toaster?
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He was popping out of bed all night.
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What do you do when you're inside an elephant?
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Run around till you get pooped out.
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What do you call a man without arms or legs in a pile of leaves?
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Russell.
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What do you call a cow with only three legs?
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Lean beef.
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
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Ground beef.
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What did the elephant say to the naked man?
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"Can you breathe through that?"
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Did you hear they arrested Ronald McDonald?
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He was caught putting his Big Mac into Wendy's Hot and Juicy.
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Surely, that must have been a Whopper! And, oh, what buns!
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Lawyers sometimes tell the truth---they'll do anything to win a case.
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How do you define "contingency fee"?
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If I lose, you get nothing. If I win, you get nothing.
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What do you call a row of rabbits that takes a step backwards?
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A receding hare-line.
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What do you get when you pour scalding water down a rabbit hole?
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Hot cross bunnies.
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What do you have when rabbits climb out of their hole?
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A hare-raising sight.
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What did the topless dancer say when chastised about her profession?
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"It's better than being flat busted!"
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When I fly on a jet, my ears pop a lot; it's an earry feeling.
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Some parents believe that spanking a child is an important part of
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rearing a child.
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Twins might best be described as womb-mates.
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Did you hear the elephants at the circus are going on strike?
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They're tired of working for peanuts.
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Did you hear about the fight in the lion house at the zoo?
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A lion called another a cheetah. Personally, I think he was lion.
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How do you keep an elephant from charging?
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Take away his credit card.
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Did you hear about the silkworms who were having a race?
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They ended up in a tie.
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Did you hear about the animal hotel that has exclusive accommodations for
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squirrels?
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It's called The Nutcracker Suite.
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What is the most vulnerable animal in the world?
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The frog. When you touch it, it croaks. Put another way, one touch
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and it's toadalled.
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Did you hear they are looking for someone to be in charge of potato snacks in
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the monastery?
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The job description will be: Chipmonk.
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There are a number of political conservatives who put pages from the New York
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Times on their floors to wipe their feet on rainy days. For them, the
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newspaper is the Times that dry men's soles.
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You might say that senators who join a filibuster in the U.S. Senate throw
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their wait around.
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Did you hear about the House-Senate conference committe considering
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legislation to decriminalize the use of marijuana?
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It's called the Joint Session of Congress.
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What is the opposite of progress?
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Congress.
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How can Congress trim the fat from Federal spending?
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By switching to lo-cal government.
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The state of Missouri has vigorously tried to get some of the other states
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bordering on the Mississippi River to join in an urgently needed flood
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control project. This is because Missouri loves company.
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The 200th anniversary of the founding of the buffalo sanctuaries will be
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marked by a Bisontennial celebration.
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The Hawaiian Islands have many craters that were formed by volcanoes. You
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might say that the islands are full of ash holes.
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Hula Dancing is an asset to Hawaiian music.
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Several years ago I came up with the idea of writing a play about the
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movement to eliminate pay toilets. I've been sitting on the idea for
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a number of years, but I feel I can stall no longer.
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Did you hear that the Playtex Corporation is marketing a special product
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just for Irish women?
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It's called the Erin-go-bra-less.
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Why did God give women vaginas?
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Because sheep can't cook.
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What do you call a cow that has an abortion?
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De-calf-inated.
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What do you call a lifeguard with no legs?
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Bob.
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How did Helen Keller burn her hands?
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Trying to read the waffle iron.
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How did Helen Keller go crazy?
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Trying to read the stucco wall.
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Why do mice have tiny balls?
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Very few know how to dance.
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What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a mink.
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A fur coat with pockets.
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Why is money green?
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Because Jews pick it before it is ripe.
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What is long, hard, round and full of seamen?
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A submarine.
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Moby Dick.
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How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
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I'll tell you tomorrow.
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What do you have when you're holding two green balls?
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Kermit where you want him.
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Terminal Herpes.
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What do you get when you cross a computer with a gorilla?
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A Hairy Reasoner.
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What do you get when you cross a computer with a prostitute?
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A f*cking know-it-all.
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What is the difference between love and Herpes?
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Herpes is forever.
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Where do prostitutes go for recycling?
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The Virgin Islands.
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What's grey and comes by the gallon?
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Elephants.
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Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
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He heard the ref was blowing fowls.
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What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
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A piece of a** that brings tears to your eyes.
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Why can't Billy Jean King play tennis anymore?
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She got her finger caught in the dike.
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What is the difference between an Aggie and a pizza?
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The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
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How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
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None. They'd rather sit in the dark and suffer.
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How do you make a dead baby float?
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Two scoops of ice cream, soda and a dead baby.
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What do you call a gay Jew?
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A Heblew.
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What do you call a gay guy in a wheelchair?
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Roll-Aids.
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What's the difference between a moose and a show band?
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In the moose's case, the horns are up front and the a**hole's
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in the rear.
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Do you know the difference between an elephant and a gorgeous blonde?
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Great! I'll take the blonde!
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How do we know Christ wasn't born in Italy?
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There are no virgins and they couldn't find three wise men.
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What do Linda Lovelace and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
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They both swallow seamen.
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What do elephants use for tampons?
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Sheep.
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Why do Aggies make Aggie jokes?
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They don't want to be left out of the crowd.
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How is sex like rain?
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You never know how man inches you're going to get or how long it
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will last.
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How do you know SysOps are pathological liars?
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They produce plenty of bulls.
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How is sex like gin rummy?
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You either have to have a good partner or a good hand.
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Did you hear about the Aggies that were arrested in the Iranian zoo?
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They were trying to free the hostriches.
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Why can't you circumcize an Aggie?
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There's no end to those pr*cks.
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What do you get when you cross a rooster with peanut butter?
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A c*ck that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
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Some course listings at the Aggie University:
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Creative Suffering
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Overcoming Peace of Mind
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Guilt without sex
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Gratification through violence
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How to overcome self-doubt through pretense and ostentation
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Career opportunities in El Salvador and the Falklands
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How to convert your family room into a garage
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1001 other uses for your vacuum cleaner
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Burglarproof your home with concrete
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Christianity and the art of RV maintenance
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Creative tooth decay
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Exorcism and acne
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The joys of hypochondria
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High fiber sex
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Skate yourself to regularity
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Tap dance your way to social ridicule
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Trampoline methods of birth control
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Bonsai your pet
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Needlecraft for junkies
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Why does a Valley girl wear two diaphragms?
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So she can be Fer Sher, Fer Sher.
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What does the JAP make for dinner?
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Reservations.
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Why do JAPs have gold-plated diaphragms?
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Their husbands like to come into money.
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How do smurfs make little smurfs?
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They schmuck.
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Did you hear about the two blind gay guys?
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You've got to hand it to them.
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Why are all Jewish men circumcized?
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Because Jewish women go crazy over anything 20% off.
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How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
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None. They screw in hot tubs.
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Why don't Baptists screw standing up?
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They're afraid people might think they're dancing.
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What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
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Erotic, you use a feather. Kinky, you use the whole chicken.
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Did you hear about the hooker in Minneapolis/St. Paul?
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She was known as the Tale of Two Cities.
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Did you hear about the girl that went up to the cop and said, "I was just
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raped by an Aggie!". The cop asked how she knew it was Aggie. She said,
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"Because I had to help him."
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Did you hear about the JAP's dream house?
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13 rooms---no bedroom, no kitchen.
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What do you get when you cross a rooster with M&M's?
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A cock that melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
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How are Californians like breakfast cereal?
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The ones that aren't fruits and nuts are flakes.
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How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
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By trying to answer the iron.
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Why did Miss Piggy douche with honey and vinegar?
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Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
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What are three words a JAP has never heard?
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Attention K-Mart shoppers.
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Closing lines:
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I'm going to make like a tree and leave.
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I'm going to put an egg in my shoe and beat it.
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I'm going to make like the shepherds and get the flock out of here.
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