137 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
137 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
From werner Wed Oct 26 14:06:34 1988
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Flags: 000000000001
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From: sethg@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Seth Gordon)
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Subject: U.S. Presidential light bulb jokes
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Keywords: smirk, topical
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Date: 16 Oct 88 08:30:07 GMT
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OK, you asked for it...
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[ I don't usually do light bulb jokes, saving them for the collectors, but
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these ones are topical and a few are worthwhile. Obviously many are old ]
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Organization: BBN Advanced Computers, Inc., Cambridge, MA
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How many Reaganistas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
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Nine!
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1) One to deny that the bulb is burned out
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2) One to clarify the denial: ``the bulb is really just dim''
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2) One to blame the bulb burning out on the ``Carter-Mondale''
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administration.
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3) One to blame the bulb burning out on the Congress.
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4) One to ask for a constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs
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burning out.
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5) One to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp.
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6) One to borrow money from the Japanese to pay for the kerosene.
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7) One former Reaganista to lobby his old colleagues for a special
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favor for the kerosene importer.
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8) One to cash the check for investing in the kerosene importer.
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9) One to send the bill to the next generation.
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dave mankins
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...
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Rather: How many Bush campaign aides does it take to screw in a
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lightbulb?
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Bush: (earnest lapdog voice) NONE! I think the media's keeping this
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thing alive! I think the American people are TIRED of lightbulb
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jokes!
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Only 354 days of America Held Hostage remain!
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dave mankins
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>From bloom-beacon!mit-eddie!ll-xn!ames!amdcad!sun!pitstop!sundc!seismo!uunet!unh!xxx612 Thu Feb 4 16:04:48 EST 1988
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How many Democratic Presidential candidates does it take
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to screw in a lightbulb?
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Mike Dukakis: "In Massachusetts, my enlightened government
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has made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own
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lightbulbs, as we have put thousands of former welfare
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recipients to work in the Department of Lightbulb Installation.
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These employees will come to your home or business and
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install any standard incandescent bulb, on only a few months
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notice."
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Bruce Babbitt: "It's foolish to talk about screwing in
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lightbulbs when we haven't even taken the first step, and
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that is to remove the old bulb. I challenge my fellow
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candidates to stand up with me and help me remove this
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old bulb." [Stands, but nobody else does.] "HAH. What
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wimps. You guys make George Bush look like Rambo."
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Richard Gephardt: "It doesn't matter whether the bulb is
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changed or not; it only matters that the new bulb was made
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in the US of A. Taiwan and South Korea have put up massive
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barriers to importing US lightbulbs; we'll see how they like
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it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in here."
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Gary Hart: "This oblique reference to 'screwing' is an obvious
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attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. Frankly,
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I resent it, and the American people resent it."
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Al Gore: "As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are
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putting forth solutions that moderate Southerners won't cotton
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to on Super Tuesday. At least I hope not."
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Paul Simon: "My media experts tell me I'm foolish for wearing
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my hair the same way I did in the 50's and wearing the same bow
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tie I wore in the 50's. But that's what Paul Simon is all about.
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And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I'm foolish for this,
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but in all candor, I change my lightbulbs the same way I did
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in the 50's: my wife gets on the ladder and I turn it."
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Jesse Jackson: "Changing the lightbulb is a partial solution
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at best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a lightbulb changer.
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But even the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful
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fact is that the American Indians of today don't have enough
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silver, or gold, or even paper money to allow them to buy
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into the American Dream or some extra lightbulbs. We must
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ensure that all Americans can light their homes, from the
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lighthouse to the White House."
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--
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-- Paul A. Sand | The preceding were my opinions, but for
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-- University of New Hampshire | a small monthly fee, they may be yours.
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>From bloom-beacon!husc6!bbn!socrates.bbn.com!dm Tue Feb 9 16:01:56 EST 1988
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[Odd, but appropriate linguistic note: the word ``caucus'' is not
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Latin, it is native American, descended either from the Algonquin word
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for caucus or the Abnaki words for persuasion or discussion.]
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How many Republican presidential candidates does it take to change a
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lightbulb?
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Dole: When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't have
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lightbulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.
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Dupont: Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants
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have always taken care of that.... With a Dupont administration
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the power of the free market will be unleashed to produce
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light-bulbs that never need changing!
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Robertson: Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this
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light-bulb!
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Kemp: It's morning in America! Why should we worry about light-bulbs?
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Let those doom-crying Democrats worry about light-bulbs! [stumbles
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over chair in the dark.]
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Haig: One. Snap to it, soldier!
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Bush: I resent that question, Dan. I've answered it before, and I think
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the media are keeping this thing alive. I think the American
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people are TIRED of light-bulb jokes!
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dave mankins
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--
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.
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Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
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