77 lines
3.7 KiB
Plaintext
77 lines
3.7 KiB
Plaintext
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Subject: Real Programmers
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Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming
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is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained.
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They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise
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clear desk.
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Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make schedules.
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Managers firm up schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet
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schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules.
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Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
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sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they
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don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.
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Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write,
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it should be hard to understand.
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Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read
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the listings or object deck.
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Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Cavemen drew flowcharts and look
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how much good it did them.
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Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real programmers don't know how
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to spell quiche. They eat twinkles and szechuan food.
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Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport that requires you
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to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear
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their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up
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in the middle of the machine room.
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Real programmers don't write application programs. They program right down
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to the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do
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system programming.
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Real programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be
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written on one line.
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Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in
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BASIC, after the age of 12.
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Real programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications
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programmers.
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Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe-stress freaks
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and crystallography weenies.
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Real programmers don't write in LISP. Only faggot programs contain more
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parenthesis than actual code.
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Real programmers don't write in PASCAL or BLISS or ADA, or any of those
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pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with
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weak memories.
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Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for programmers who can't
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decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
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Real programmers don't write in "C". There has to be something wrong
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with a language who's next generation gets a low grade then its prior.
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Real programmers write in the machine's native binary code, ASM macros are
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those who can't divide HEX numbers in their head.
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Real programmers don't write specs - users should consider themselves lucky
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to get any programs at all and take what they get.
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Real programmers like vending-machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the
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microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat from the CPU. They can
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tell which jobs are running from the rate of popping.
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Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at
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9am, it's because they were up all night.
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Real programmers scorn floating-point arithmetic. The decimal point was
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invented for pansy bed wetters who are unable to think big.
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Real programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw
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them on the machine, they can be patched into working in `only a few'
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30-hour debugging sessions.
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.....Cheers,
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Programmer Defined: Programmer n. 1. One who claims or appears to be engaged
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in the perpetration of programs. 2. The systems analyst's diplomatic attache
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at the alien court of the CPU. 3. One engaged in a practical, nonsystematic
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study of the halting problem. 4. "A harmless druge."-Lord Bowden, 1953.
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That ought to clear things up.....
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