127 lines
5.4 KiB
Plaintext
127 lines
5.4 KiB
Plaintext
Exciting New Product Announcement
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The NEW Wrongco CB-Matic
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Thrilling new concepts in computer technology!
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* Constructed entirely of space-age materials!
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* Unique word processing capabilities. Able to process no less than
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two hundred four-letter words in .37 nano-days!
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* Far-reaching communications capabilities with common household
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items. No expensive modem hardware required. (Designer paper
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cups and character string provided.)
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* Built-in microwave dish for instant worldwide communications at
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your fingertips. Dishwasher safe (top rack only).
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* Direct connect crucifix provided (Star of David optional) for
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communications. Direct line communication with the deity of
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your choice.
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How much would you pay for a system like this??? Well, hold on--there's more!
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* CB-Matic (Unreg. TM) will automatically pick up the phone, dial the
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least expensive CB node, log you on, insert the handle of your
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choice, and immediately insult the user of your choice by asking
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where they are from, their age, their gender, what equipment they
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are using and their astrological sign.
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* Through special arrangements with CompuService (another Unreg TM),
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it can produce the necessary information on the person of your
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choice.
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* You can trust the Wrongco CB-MATIC (Unreg. TM). Electronic
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fabrication is of time-proven vacuum tubes. Relays and coils, all
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cleverly disguised as transistors, semi-conductors and LSI
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components.
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* Comes with a standard 256-key keyboard, with optional alphanumeric
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keys available.
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* A full 5 MB of static memory, of which 4.6 MB is newly-developed
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write-only memory [WOM (Sorta Reg. TM)].
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* Solar-powered battery charger (optional).
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* Coffee dispenser availale (at additional cost) for those long,
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late-night CB sessions. With purchase of coffee dispenser, we will
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throw in a double-sized ashtray which holds up to four packs worth
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of butts, for those dragged-out conversations in /TALK.
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* Take advantage of our offer within 17 days, and we'll throw in a
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free 200-year clock module (hands optional).
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OTHER NEW DEVELOPMENTS!!!
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The greatest breakthrough in rotating media since the pizza hit the ceiling is
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the fabulous new GINSOUP (patent currently being rejected)
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You can beat it with a hammer!
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You can drag it across bricks!
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You can throw it out the window!
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A 6000-pound elephant can stand on it!
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The chimpanzees at your local zoo can play catch with it!
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The fabulous new GINSOUP will reliably retrieve all previously-stored
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information without so much as a slipped bit. All this without external
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power, too! Our revolutionary power pack includes a matched pair of exotic
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WOM-bats (known for their unique ability to remember) that will...you guessed
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it!!! They will lustily work during off-line time to provide you with an
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inexhaustible supply of wheel-turning rodents.
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The GINSOUP utilizes a unique recording medium---the Floppy Eggs
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System (the U.S. Patent Office won't touch this one!). DOS is stored in the
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yolk!!! Information retrieved with the speed of greased lightning if the eggs
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have not been cooked in PAM (TM). Software may be transferred easily to the
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next set of eggs when the original has gone moldy, and the mold may then be
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used to process your own Penicillin, with the use of the amazing
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DATA-PROCTO
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which also may be used to format output.
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These dynamic breakthroughs have led to an incredible data transfer
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rate of 45.5 baud (using U.S.D.A. Jumbo eggs). Of course, with ostrich eggs,
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should yield a slightly higher baud rate. Data can be protected using the
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supplied Wrongco IN-SHELL DATA SCRAMBLER (TM - patent currently being revoked)
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Would you believe you can own all fo this for only $24.95??? Well,
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hold onto your seats because there's more! If you order now, we will throw in
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a special black light attachment which will give that extra-special
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psychedelic effect for those nights when you are logged on and high as a kite!
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Suddenly, you will see before your eyes brilliant colors as your keyboard
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displays a "Rainbow of Dayglow Alphas."
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We take VISA, Master Charge, American Express, Diner's Club, Carte
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Blanche, K-Mart, Woolco, Exxon, Texaco, Social Security, Welfare Checks, or
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your first-born child (male only). Credit terms available --- (fine print)
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$19 down --- $1 per month for the next two years
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(Subject to applicant's credit rating or gullibility, handled through
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Vito's Collection Service.)
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(Finer print)
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Inability to meet monthly terms could result in repossession your Wrongco
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equipment, your wife and/or any remaining children, your pet dog, Hobart,
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and your Great Mixmasters of Hoboken collection.
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Be on the lookout for the newest in lawn care products, the Wrongco
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COMPUMATIC LAWN SYSTEM!
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In your choice of COBOL blue, Assembly grey and, of course, BASIC black, all of
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your gardening needs will be met in this computerized lawn care system. Each
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unit will be equipped with WOM (TM) to allow your system to be discriminating
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in the garden. WOM, exclusive to Wrongco products, enables you to have the
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finest lawn in your neighborhood. Yes, folks, WOM (Weed-only memory) is the
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answer to all your problems. Be the first on your block to own one!
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(Look for Wrongco products in hardware stores and sleazy salesmen's
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trunks all over the country!)
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[Copyright 1982 -- Mimi Hiller]
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