356 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
356 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
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Liber Call Me AL
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vel vel, now.
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sub figura skating
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"The Book of the In-Laws"
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1. Hi! the manipulation of a Nut.
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2. Company of heaven exposed; film
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at eleven.
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3. Every Tom, Dick, and Harry is a
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Star. Big Deal.
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4. Every number is infinite; fire
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thy accountant.
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5. I'd like a volunteer from the
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audience at this point -- you,
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the Warrior Lord of Thebes in
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the front row.
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6. I've Hadit up to here.
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7. Attention K-Mart Shoppers! It
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is revealed to !Who*vast? the
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minister of Har-Po-Marx.
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8. The Khabs is in the Khu, right
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next to the peanut butter.
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9. Worship thou the Khabs, and the
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Khu will take care of itself.
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10. Let my servants be few and
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secret; they shall have enough
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problems without publicity.
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11. These are fools that men adore;
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for example, Vanna White comes
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to mind.
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12. Come forth with a fifth and
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take thy fill of Old Overcoat;
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thou shalt see stars!
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13. I am above you and in you. I
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am behind you and beside you. I
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am hiding behind the curtains.
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I know when you are sleeping, I
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see when you're awake. I know
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if you feel joy or woe so feel
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joy for goodness sake.
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14. There once was a Goddess, Nuit,
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Who dated a God named Hadit.
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When Ankh-af-na-khonsu
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Saw what they were up to
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He shouted "Hail Ra-hoor-khuit!"
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15. You may already have won the
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priesthood of infinite space, a
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Winnebago, all power for your
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wife, or one of 663 other
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valuable prizes in this Aeon's
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Prophecy Clearing House
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Giveaway!
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16. For he is sunburned, and she is
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a lunatic. He plays with
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matches, and she wanders around
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in the dark.
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17. But for you, no such luck.
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18. Look out! There's a snake on
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your head!
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19. Oh, bend over, and I shall
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drive thee home!
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20. Say the secret word and the
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Dove shall drop down.
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21. If the God and the Adorer call,
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say unto them that I am out of
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the office; they shall not see
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me. For I and my Lord Hadit
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shall be in a meeting verily
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until the end of time. My
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Prophet shall call their
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Prophet.
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22. Now, therefore, I have an
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unlisted phone number, which
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shall be revealed to my prophet
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when at last he ceaseth making
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obscene calls. I am Infinite
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Space, and billions and billions
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of stars, yet modesty remains my
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best character trait. Let no
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difference be made between any
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one thing and any other thing;
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in this way wilt thou simplify
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thine Inventory Control.
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23. But whoso maketh sense of all
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this, let him explain it to me
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as soon as possible.
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24. I am a Nut, and my number is
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up.
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25. Divide, add, multiply, and
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extract square roots. There
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will be a quiz at the end of the
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Aeon.
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26. Then saith the Prophet and the
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Loss: Where the Hell am I, what
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am I on, and where can I get
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more? Then she answered him,
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her neon-hued body dangling a
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wide variety of love beads and
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leather thongs, saying: Like,
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wow! Everything is everywhere
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and real, like, fun, for sure!
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Totally!
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27. Then the Priest answered and
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said unto her, kissing her
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lovely brows, running his hand
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lightly along her thigh,
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nibbling on her earlobes, and
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unbuttoning her blouse:
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"Uh..right. What was the
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question? Mmmph."
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28. Two breathed the light, faint
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and faery, of the stars, then
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asphyxiated.
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29. For I am divided by zero for
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the chance of confusion.
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30. This is the curriculum of Math;
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that the pain of long division
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is nothing, and the agony of
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Calculus, all.
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31. Screw you all! I've got mine,
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Jack.
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32. Obey my prophet! Send $20 in
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cash to Me! Make eleven copies
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of this Book, placing thy Name
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therein, and disperse them to
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others as thou wilt. Break not
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the Chain, and thy prosperity
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shall be without bounds. Would
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I lie to you?
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33. Then the priest passed out,
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muttering: Heard any good
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ordeals, rituals, or laws
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lately?
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34. But she said: The ordeals are
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none of thy business; the
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rituals shall be half unknown
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and half published by Francis
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King; the Law I'll give to
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anyone willing to haul it away.
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35. Surprise! THIS is the Book of
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the In-Laws! I'll bet you never
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guessed, huh? You probably
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thought this was just some
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ordinary, run-of-the-mill
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prophetic work dictated by a
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praeternatural Intelligence.
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36. My secretary In-a-Gadda-da-
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Vida shall not edit this Book,
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howsoever badly it may be
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needed. He may comment
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thereupon by the wisdom of Pa-
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Ra-Keet. Thus shall plausible
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deniability be established.
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37. Also the Mazdas and the
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Celicas, the Oh-Yeahs and the
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Cowabungas, the Fafnil and
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Zermatroz, the work of the Wand,
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the Pantacle, the Dagger, but
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not the Cup; these shall ye
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teach at weekend seminars.
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38. He must teach; but he may make
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wild the parties.
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39. The word of the In-Laws is
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PASADENA.
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40. Who calls us Pasadenites will
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do no wrong, if he but drives
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through the city. For there are
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therein Three Grades: the Little
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Old Lady, and the Techie and the
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Man of Suburbia. Possession
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shall be nine tenths of the Law.
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41. The Formula of Sin is Opposite
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over Hypotenuse. Oh Man,
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believe not thy wife when she
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says she has a headache! There
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must be fifty-six ways to leave
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thy Lover! There is no bond
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that can unite the divided but
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Krazy Glue; accept no
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substitutes. Darn them! Darn
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them anyway! Ah, heck.
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42. Practice bondage in groups;
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thou hast the right to remain
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silent.
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43. Do that, and await to speak
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unto thy lawyer.
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44. For the word "unassuaged' is
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every way mispronounced.
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45. After all, nobody's Perfect.
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46. The Key to this Law is really
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nothing special. 61 the Jews
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call it, or 58 wholesale for
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family. I call it eight,
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twelve, three point one four --
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whatever I want to. I am a God,
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after all.
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47. They have the half, and its the
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good half, too. Pull yourself
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together, and tell them to get
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lost!
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48. My Prophet looks out for Number
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One, One, One.
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49. We regret to announce that all
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ordeals, words, and signs have
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been canceled due to unstable
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theological conditions in the
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East. Let Asar be with Isa, as
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long as they cause no trouble.
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I don't care; it's not my
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problem.
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50. Here's a tip on how to run this
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scam. There are three cons you
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can use. The gross shall be
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burned, the fine shall be
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soaked, and the lofty chosen
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ones worked over. Thus ye have
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plans and schemes, and nobody
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shall know what hit them!
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51. There are two doors to one
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townhouse; the floor of that
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townhouse has not been vacuumed
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for months; dirty clothes and
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stacks of old newspapers are
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there, and the odor of cat food.
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Let him enter in turn the two
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doors, having given 24 hours
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advance notice to the tenants as
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required by Law. Will he not
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sink? Damn. Aargh! If thy
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handyman sink, the dry rot is
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worse than I thought. But there
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are ways and means. Be goodly
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therefore, or betterly if
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possible: go to parties; eat
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cream puff sundaes, and drink
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generic champagne and beers that
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foam; play strip poker using a
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Tarot deck! But be sure to
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invite Me.
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52. If the layout be botched; if
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thou neglectest thine
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proofreading, saying: Who gives
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a damn; or saying, Let's order a
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pizza; then shall Pa-Ra-Keet
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smite thee, and thy pepperoni
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shall breed pestilence.
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53. Believe me, this will make my
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sister feel much better. But
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remember, even though you think
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you're such hot stuff, it shall
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not help thee in Court. Have
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fun while you still can; Me too!
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Me Too!
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54. Thou shalt be graded on
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content, spelling and grammar.
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55. Thy work shall serve as Papyri
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Ani.
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56. Expect it not from the East or
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West, but watch out for the
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South. Argh! All reasonable
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offers are accepted, and all
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answers correct, save only that
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some are stupider than others;
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solve the first half of the
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equation, get partial credit.
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But thou art still wholly in the
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dark.
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57. Go outside, for God's sake!
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Love in the raw, love under
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water! But be careful; there
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are love and love. There is the
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dove, and there is a can of
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whipped cream, a great deal of
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rope, and a cooperative sheep.
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Choose ye well! He, my toady,
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has chosen, knowing the House
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Rules, which are admittedly
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confusing. The galley proofs of
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my book look okay, but is not
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the Star; I think it's a
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squashed bug. Leave it in; it
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will keep people guessing.
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58. I give unusual; punctuation
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while, in life, upon death: full
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stops. Not commas, nor do I
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demand proofreading 59. My
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incense is of Chanel No. 5 and
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tapioca; and there are no
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preservatives therein, because
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the Washington Monument is
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exactly 555 feet tall.
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60. I can count to 11, more than
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most of those who are with us.
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The White Five Pointed Star,
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with a "T" in the middle, and
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the "T" is red. My color is
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black and white in the basic
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configuration, but red, green
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and blue are seen of those who
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buy the graphics display
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adapter. Also I have a high
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resolution option for them who
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pay through the nose.
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61. But to love me is to know me;
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if, under the night stars in the
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desert, thou presently freezeth
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thy ass off before me, invoking
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me out of pure desperation, thou
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shalt come a little to lie in a
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poorly insulated sleeping bag.
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For one bonfire wilt thou be
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willing to give all; but whoso
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ignites one juniper twig shall
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be arrested by Park Rangers
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within an hour. Ye shall gather
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junk food and suntan oil; ye
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shall wear dark glasses, ye
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shall wish ye were at the beach.
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I charge you earnestly to come
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before me carrying a
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ridiculously heavy backpack.
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Pale or puce, Libertarian or
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libertine, I who am without good
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taste desire you. Put on the
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wings, and you'll look just like
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a chicken!
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62. Every time I see you I shall
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whine "Me too! Me Too!",
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reminding thee strongly of thy
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little sister, and thy heart
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shall burn with annoyance.
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63. Sing the rapturous love song to
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me, or at least hum a few bars
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of "Aleister's Restaurant":
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You can do anything thou wilt,
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at Aleister's Restaurant;
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You can do anything thou wilt,
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at Aleister's Restaurant;
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Just drop by, we're in Cefalu,
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Later on today we'll have a Mass
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for Nu;
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You can do anything thou wilt,
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at Aleister's Restaurant.
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64. I am an airhead who uses too
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much makeup in the evening.
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65. Me Too! Me Too!
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66. The Manipulation of a Nut is at
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an end. Tune in tomorrow for
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more excitement -- same BAPH
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time, same BAPH channeling.
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