63 lines
3.3 KiB
Plaintext
63 lines
3.3 KiB
Plaintext
MIAMI AD-VICE
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By Thos. M. O'Brien
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The Catholic Diocese of southern Florida, in anticipation of the Pope's
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intended visit early next year, has apparently decided there aren't enough
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practicing Catholics to make up a good crowd so the bishop announced a series
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of specials to help induce more non-practicing Catholics there to come back
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into the fold.
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It is not coincidental that the bishop's announcement came only days after U.S.
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automakers announced financing rates for in-stock 1986 models as low as 0
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percent. After all, the Catholic Church is about as big a business as exists
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anywhere--it's right up there in annual dollar volume with the Big Three car
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manufacturers.
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Consider, for example, American Motors' zero-percent interest rate on two year
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new car loans. The interest cost is rebated to the financing corporation by
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the manufacturer which owns it.
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Now consider that the bishop is offering free absolution for those lapsed
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Catholics who have had abortions--a procedure that sends the fetus to Limbo and
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its mother to Hell. These excommunicated Catholics may take advantage of the
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free absolution rate without even having to buy a new car.
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The Catholic Church actually invented cut-rate financing as a means of
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increasing sales volume several hundred years ago. Back then, in the days of
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Martin Luther and John Calvin, certain of the clergy prospered by selling
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indulgences (certain conditions applied even then) which would shorten a
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yokel's term in Purgatory by thousands of years. The indulgence-selling price
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war wasn't a factory incentive plan, however, and it resulted in several new
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religions--some of which are still around.
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Still, getting a pass into Heaven is more or less equivalent to buying an
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automobile. It's likely that the Vatican will watch the Miami absolution
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experiment closely.
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You have to understand the nature of the Catholic guilt trip. First, only
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Catholics can get into Heaven. Heaven is attainable instantly after death only
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to those who have perfectly clean records with no outstanding sins. One
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itty-bitty pecadillo will send you to Purgatory for fifty or a hundred years. A
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mortal sin will plop your tail in Hell (from which there is no escape). So, as
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a Catholic, you have to be careful and one means of insuring yourself against
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possibly forgetting to confess and receive absolution for some minor infraction
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is to do extra-credit projects for which you receive an indulgence, time off
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your expected term in Purgatory. It's not unlikely to find a devout Catholic
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who has labored for years to amass millions of years' worth of this indulgence
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stuff.
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If you are unfortunate enough to have been excommunicated from the Church for
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whatever reason, you have got to get special absolution before you die or
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you'll continue to die long afterward. Thus, the attraction of absolution for
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those who have had abortions.
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The bishop in south Florida has cut a good deal which should have tremendous
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appeal to penitent ex-Catholics. Unlike those offers from U.S. automakers,
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those who buy this deal will have to pay the interest up front in the form of
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lots of Hail, Marys and Acts of Contrition.
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So, at least if you are a lapsed Catholic living in the Miami area, you have an
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opportunity to meet two of your Makers if you act before the first of October:
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God, and General Motors.
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