762 lines
41 KiB
Plaintext
762 lines
41 KiB
Plaintext
THE FOLLOWING IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL.
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Welcome to the Electronic Edition of One to One, the world's largest weekly
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information and humor service for broadcasters, for the week of October 19,
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1987. You'll find our weekly creative output of topical humor and gags, a
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Talent Tips article, recycled lines from issues in previous years, and Day
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To Day calendars of history, events and famous birthdays for next week.
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The materials below are intended for your personal use and enjoyment. If
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you plan to use them for any commercial purpose--especially, but not
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limited to on-air broadcasting--a Shareware Fee of $3.50 is required.
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(We'll accept the fee even if you're just using us for laughs, too.)
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Unauthorized reproduction or duplication beyond a single copy for personal
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use is expressly forbidden. Make checks payable to CreeYadio Services and
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mail to P.O. Box 9787, Fresno CA 93794. We honor VISA and Master Card (be
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sure to include your expiration date.)
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One to One is published weekly fifty times per year, and the "paper"
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edition includes articles by famous broadcasters and consultants, as well
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as promotions, artist information, record liners and other useful items.
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For more info, phone us at (voice) (209) 226 0558.
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Your comments and suggestions are always appreciated. Now--enjoy!
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Jay Trachman
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(71270,3707)
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(Copyright 1987, CreeYadio Services)
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HUMOR FILES
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October 10, 1987 p. 2
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I MUST HAVE THE LAZIEST DOG IN THE WORLD...MOST DOGS WILL BRING YOU THE
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LEASH WHEN THEY WANT TO GO OUT--MINE BRINGS ME THE CAR KEYS...
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BATTLE CREEK, MICHIGAN JUST AVOIDED A BIG LABOR BATTLE, WHEN KELLOGG'S
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SETTLED WITH THE UNION ON A NEW CONTRACT LAST WEEK...I CAN JUST SEE THE
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PICKETS, CARRYING SIGNS THAT SAY, "SNAP, CRACKLE & POP ARE SCABS!"
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HAS ANYONE STOPPED TO ASK HOW COME MIKE DUKAKAS' CAMPAIGN PEOPLE HAD TO
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LEAK THAT ATTACK TAPE ABOUT JOE BIDEN, AND WHY THE PRESS DIDN'T FIND OUT
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ABOUT THOSE CRIBBED SPEECHES ON THEIR OWN? MAYBE THEY WERE TOO BUSY
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PEEPING INTO BEDROOM WINDOWS TO NOTICE...
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QUESTION: IF MORRIS THE CAT CAN RUN FOR PRESIDENT, THEN WHY NOT GARFIELD
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THE CAT? ANSWER: BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT ANOTHER PRESIDENT WHO SPENDS MOST OF
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HIS TIME SLEEPING...
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WHAT A GREAT WEEKEND IT WAS; I PERFORMED FOR THE FAIR IN (local rough
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suburb,) AND THE MAYOR PRESENTED ME WITH THE COATHANGER TO THE CITY...
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PAT ROBERTSON, WOULD-BE HOLDER OF THE HIGH MORAL GROUND, ADMITS THAT HE
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FREELY SOWED HIS WILD OATS AS A YOUNG MAN...DO YOU GET THE FEELING THIS
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YEAR'S ENTIRE PACK OF CANDIDATES AMOUNTS TO A MASSIVE CROP FAILURE?
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CONGRATULATIONS TO DIANA ROSS ON THE BIRTH OF HER BABY BOY, ROSS ARNE
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NAESS, LAST WEEK; DIANA HAS THREE CHILDREN FROM A PREVIOUS MARRIAGE, AND SO
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DOES HER HUSBAND, ARNE NAESS...WITH SEVEN KIDS, SHE COULD OPEN UP "DIANA'S
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DAYCARE"...OR, ARNE'S ARMY...
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LOOKS LIKE THE $1 BILLION ARMS SALE TO ARABIA WILL BE APPROVED BY CONGRESS,
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AFTER PRESIDENT REAGAN COMPROMISED BY DROPPING 1600 MAVERICK MISSILES FROM
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THE DEAL...DO YOU SUSPECT THE SAUDIS HAVE LEARNED WHAT THE PENTAGON HAS
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KNOWN FOR YEARS? "ASK FOR MORE THAN YOU WANT!"
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THE REV. PAT ROBERTSON ADMITS HE USED TO WOMANIZE WHEN HE WAS YOUNG, AND
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HIS BABY WAS CONCEIVED OUT OF WEDLOCK...DO YOU THINK HE'S BEEN GARY HARTED,
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BEFORE HE EVEN GOT STARTED?
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WHAT'S WHITE ON TOP, YELLOW UNDERNEATH, AND STORMS THE BEACHES? ANSWER: A
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LEMON MARINE PIE!
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THE GAL NEXT DOOR STARTED TEACHER'S COLLEGE THIS TERM, AND HER FOLKS SAY
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SHE'S DOING PRETTY WELL SO FAR; SHE'S GETTING "B'S" IN CHILD DEVELOPMENT
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AND TEACHING ARITHMETIC IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, AND AN "A" IN CONTRACT
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NEGOTIATIONS 1A...
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KIND OF IRONIC, HOW ALF LANDON MANAGED TO GET THE LAST LAUGH ON THE PEOPLE
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WHO VOTED AGAINST HIM IN 1936; HE OUTLIVED MOST OF THEM...
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POOR UNCLE FRED, THE TRAVELING SALESMAN--HE'S SO USED TO BEING ON THE ROAD-
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-LAST WEEK HE REGISTERED TO VOTE, AND ASKED FOR A ROOM NEAR THE POOL...(Lin
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Key)
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HERE'S A SIMPLE WAY TO END A LOT OF PROBLEMS IN THE AIRLINES INDUSTRY, LIKE
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LONG DELAYS, CANCELED FLIGHTS AND LOST BAGGAGE: LET THE PASSENGERS PAY WHEN
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THEY ARRIVE...C.O.D.!
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THEY NOW HAVE A HOTEL FOR GOATS IN GLOUCESTER, ENGLAND! THE OWNERS OPENED
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IT SO THAT GOAT OWNERS AND GOATHERDS WOULD HAVE A PLACE TO LEAVE THEIR
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ANIMALS WHEN THEY GO ON VACATION...I UNDERSTAND IT HAS ALL THE CONVENIENCES
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OF HOME--AND EVEN A NANNY FOR THE KIDS... (CONTRIB: DICK LINSENMANN,
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MARIETTA GA)
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October 12, 1987
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IRAN SAYS THEY HAVE U.S.-MADE STINGER MISSILES, AND THEY'D BE HAPPY TO USE
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THEM...HOW'D THEY GET THEIR HANDS ON THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE? UNDER AN OLD
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AID PROGRAM WE USED TO HAVE FOR THEM, CALLED "STINGERS FOR STINKERS"...
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THE REV. JESSE JACKSON ENDORSES A BUSINESS COLLEGE--WHY CAN'T THE OTHER
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CANDIDATES DO ENDORSEMENTS, TOO? I UNDERSTAND MAX FACTOR WANTED GEORGE
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BUSH TO ENDORSE A NEW COLOGNE THEY WERE BRINGING OUT, CALLED "WIMP
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FACTOR"...
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THE LATEST LOCH NESS EXPEDITION IS TRYING TO DECIDE WHAT IT WAS THEY
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SPOTTED BY SONAR SOME 600 FEET DOWN IN THE LAKE...BEST GUESSES SO FAR ARE,
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SOME KIND OF LARGE, PREHISTORIC FISH, OR JIMMY HOFFA...
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SOMEONE CALLED TO INVITE MY BROTHER-IN-LAW TO A JOB INTERVIEW, BUT I TOLD
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HIM HE'D RETURN THE CALL TUESDAY OR WEDNESDAY; YOU'VE GOT TO UNDERSTAND MY
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BROTHER-IN-LAW--WE DON'T LIKE TO AWAKEN HIM TOO EARLY IN THE WEEK...
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CONGRATULATIONS TO THE NEW MISS LIMA BEAN 1987, CHOSEN LAST WEEKEND AT THE
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ANNUAL LIMA BEAN FESTIVAL IN CAPE MAY, NEW JERSEY; HER NAME IS ROMY
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GACK...DOESN'T THAT SOUND LIKE THE NOISE YOU USED TO MAKE WHEN YOUR MOM
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SAID YOU WERE HAVING LIMA BEANS FOR DINNER?
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CONGRATULATIONS TO MARIO CUOMO ON THE MARRIAGE OF HIS DAUGHTER MARIA TO
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KENNETH COLE LAST WEEK AT THE GOVERNOR'S MANSION; THE WEDDING WAS PRESIDED
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OVER BY A PRIEST AND A RABBI, SINCE SHE'S CATHOLIC AND HE'S JEWISH...THE
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GOVERNOR GAVE HIS CONSENT TO THE MARRIAGE AFTER THEY BOTH PROMISED TO RAISE
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THEIR CHILDREN AS DEMOCRATS...
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THEY NOW HAVE A BIRDER'S HOTLINE YOU CAN CALL, FOR AN ANNUAL MEMBERSHIP
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FEE, TO GET INFORMATION ON RARE BIRD SIGHTINGS ALL AROUND THE COUNTRY (INFO
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FROM: [919] 841 8955)...FOR INSTANCE, THEY HAVE THE LATEST ON THE LARGE-
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BREASTED BIMBO, THE RED-THROATED CANDIDATE, AND EVEN THE BATTERED BEAKED
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BORK BIRD...
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I JUST GOT SOMETHING TO DISCOURAGE MY TEENAGER FROM USING HER NEW MICKEY
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MOUSE PHONE EVERY TWO MINUTES THROUGHOUT THE EVENING...IT'S A NEW MICKEY
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MOUSE TRAP!
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THE PARKING METER MANUFACTURERS SAY THEY HOPE TO HAVE A MODEL OUT BY NEXT
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YEAR THAT WILL TAKE CREDIT CARDS, AS WELL AS CASH...NOTHING NEW TO ME--I'VE
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ALWAYS GOTTEN A CHARGE OUT OF MY WIFE'S PARKING...
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REPORTER BOB WOODWARD JUST SOLD THE TV RIGHTS TO HIS NEW BOOK, "VEIL," TO
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MGM FOR ABOUT $1 MILLION...THAT OUGHT TO MAKE EVEN BILL CASEY SIT UP AND
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TAKE NOTICE...
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I DON'T SEE WHAT THE BIG FUSS IS, ABOUT REV. PAT ROBERTSON SAYING HE AND
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HIS WIFE WERE MARRIED, SIX MONTHS BEFORE THEY ACTUALLY WERE; HOW MANY
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AMERICAN MEN CAN REMEMBER THEIR CORRECT ANNIVERSARY, ANYWAY?
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ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY IN MONEY MAGAZINE, AMERICAN WOMEN WORRY MORE
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ABOUT MONEY TODAY THAN THEIR HUSBANDS DO...THAT'S SURE TRUE IN MY HOUSE; I
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EARN MOST OF IT AND MAKE THE BIG FINANCIAL DECISIONS, AND THAT'S MORE THAN
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ENOUGH TO WORRY ANY SANE PERSON...
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TODAY'S RIDDLE: WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS AN OIL TANKER WITH AN
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IRANIAN SPEEDBOAT? ANSWER: A U.S. HELICOPTER GUNSHIP...
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A NEW SERIES OF DENTAL STUDIES SHOWS CHEWING SUGARLESS GUM CAN HAVE A
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SIGNIFICANT EFFECT IN REDUCING DENTAL PLAQUE AND CAVITIES; DENTISTS SAY THE
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GUM SHOULD BE CHEWED FOR FIVE TO TEN MINUTES, AT LEAST FIVE TIMES A
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DAY...YOU MAY LOOK LIKE A COW, BUT THEN--HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A COW WITH BAD
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TEETH?
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October 12, 1987 p. 2
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THE NATIONAL WOMEN'S POLITICAL CAUCUS WANTS MEMBERS TO ASK ALL CANDIDATES
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THIS QUESTION: "NWPC IS AGAINST DISCRIMINATION ON THE BASIS OF SEX, AGE,
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RACE, RELIGION, SEXUAL ORIENTATION, DISABILITY, MARITAL STATUS OR INCOME;
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DO YOU SUPPORT THIS STAND?" HOWEVER, THE GROUP ENDORSES ONLY FEMALE
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CANDIDATES...I TOLD YOU, ONCE THEY GOT THE VOTE, THEY'D TRY AND TAKE OVER!
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EVER NOTICED, IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR, THAT FOODS WHICH ARD NORMALLY SOFT,
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LIKE PUDDING OR BREAD, HAVE GONE BAD IF THEY TURN HARD, WHILE FOODS WHICH
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ARE NORMALLY HARD, LIKE CARROTS OR CRACKERS, ARE BAD IF THEY'VE GONE SOFT?
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KINDA' LIKE MEN...
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YOU KNOW YOU'VE PICKED THE WRONG SURGEON WHEN HE COMES TO YOUR BED AND
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SAYS, "WE'VE DECIDED YOU NEED A NEW LIVER, BUT THE MARKET DOESN'T OPEN FOR
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ANOTHER HOUR AND A HALF..."
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I FEEL LIKE I'D LIKE TO VACILLATE ABOUT SOMETHING TODAY, BUT I'M HAVING
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TROUBLE DECIDING WHAT...
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INTERESTING FIGURES FROM THE CENSUS BUREAU: THEY SHOW THAT ALTHOUGH MORE
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PEOPLE ARE LIVING ALONE THAN EVER BEFORE, FEWER YOUNG PEOPLE ARE LIVING
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ALONE THAN IN THE 70'S...IN FACT, IF YOU'RE A WOMAN, AND YOU HAVE KIDS WITH
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YOUR FIRST HUSBAND, YOU MAY NOT GET TO LIVE ALONE UNTIL YOU'RE IN YOUR
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FIFTIES!
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VANESSA REDGRAVE HAS QUIT BRITAIN'S WORKER'S REVOLUTIONARY PARTY TO FORM
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HER OWN MARXIST PARTY; HER PARTNER IS 75-YEAR-OLD GERRY HEALY, WHO WAS
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DRUMMED OUT OF THE OTHER PARTY TWO YEARS AGO FOR SEDUCING 26 FEMALE
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MEMBERS...IF THAT ISN'T WORKERS OF THE WORLD UNITING, WHAT IS?
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WHAT A STRANGE WORLD WE LIVE IN; PSYCHOLOGISTS SAY THERE ARE 4 BILLION
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DIFFERENT PERSONALITY TYPES IN THIS WORLD...MORE, IF YOU COUNT THE
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SCHIZOPHRENICS...
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I READ IN THE PAPERS THAT YOU CAN GO OUT FOR DINNER EVERY NIGHT OF THE WEEK
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IN NEW YORK, AND NOT HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE SAME RESTAURANT UNTIL YOU'RE
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65...YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, DON'T YOU? YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE A TIP!
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THE BANANA INDUSTRY IS COMPLAINING LOUDLY ABOUT THE USE OF ONE OF THEIR
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PRODUCTS TO DEMONSTRATE A CONDOM ON THE PBS SHOW ABOUT AIDS, NOVEMBER
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6th...IT'S TOO BAD THEY DIDN'T PICK A ZUCCHINI INSTEAD--NOBODY LIKES THEM!
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MY FOLKS DRAGGED ME ALONG TO THE OPERA SATURDAY NIGHT, AND YOU KNOW--IT
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WASN'T TOO BAD; ALMOST AS MUCH FUN AS WATCHING A BASEBALL GAME...ALTHOUGH I
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DIDN'T LIKE THE MUSIC AS MUCH...
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A NEW GALLUP POLL SHOWS TOP 40 IS STILL THE MUSIC PREFERRED BY 34% OF ALL
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TEENS IN AMERICA; 18% LIKE NEW WAVE AND 18% GO FOR HARD ROCK...HOWEVER,
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HARD ROCK IS STILL THE MUSIC PREFERRED BY THREE OUT OF FOUR CHAIN GANGS...
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ONE OF LIFE'S LITTLE IRONIES: THE MOTHER WHO IS ALWAYS COMPLAINING SHE HAS
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A CLOSET FULL OF "NOTHING TO WEAR," TRYING TO COPE WITH A KID WHO'S STARING
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INTO A REFRIGERATOR FILLED WITH "NOTHING TO EAT AROUND HERE"...
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I WONDER HOW JEWISH PEOPLE--WHO'VE AVOIDED PORK FOR 5000 YEARS--FEEL ABOUT
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BURGER KING INVENTING A NEW BREAKFAST WITH PORK SAUSAGE ON A BAGEL...TODAY,
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BAGELS AND PORK...TOMORROW--TACOS & LOX??
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A HOUSTON FIRM HAS GONE IN BUSINESS PRINTING FAKE PASSPORTS, FOR AMERICANS
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WHO TRAVEL ABROAD, BUT ARE AFRAID OF TERRORISM; IF CAPTURED, YOU SHOW IT TO
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THEM, AND IT BEARS THE NAME OF A NONEXISTENT COUNTRY...THAT COULD WORK UP
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TO A POINT; BUT YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER NEVER TO SAY, "I DEMAND TO SEE THE
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RURITANIAN AMBASSADOR!"
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October 13, 1987
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CONGRATULATIONS TO DON FLEMING OF MORRISVILLE, VERMONT, WHO GREW A PRIZE-
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WINNING PUMPKIN THAT WEIGHED IN AT 604 POUNDS...PETER PETER COULD KEEP IS
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WIFE IN THERE, AND STILL HAVE ROOM FOR HIMSELF ON WEEKENDS...
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JOHN WAYNE'S WIDOW, PILAR WAYNE, JUST WROTE A BOOK ABOUT HIM, AND SAYS THAT
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WHILE HE WAS A "SUPERHUMAN BEING" AND "THE EPITOME OF A MAN," HE COULD ALSO
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BE STUBBORN, SEXIST AND IRRESPONSIBLE...WELL, SHE WASN'T EXACTLY A PILAR OF
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THE COMMUNITY, HERSELF...
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NO LOVE LOST THESE DAYS BETWEEN DON JOHNSON AND THE CITY OF MIAMI; HE
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PUBLISHED A SCATHING INTERVIEW IN USA TODAY IN WHICH HE LISTED A FEW OF
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MIAMI'S VICES; I'M SURE MIAMI HAS THEM--THAT'S PART OF WHAT MADE THE SHOW
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INTERESTING; IF HE'D WANTED PERFECTION, HE SHOULD'VE COME TO (local)...
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CONGRATULATIONS TO LORENZO AMATO OF TALLAHASSEE, WHO JUST RECLAIMED HIS OWN
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RECORD BY BAKING A PEPPERONI PIZZA 100 FEET IN DIAMETER LAST WEEK! UH,
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JUST ONE THING, MR. AMATO--IN ORDER TO CALL THIS A RECORD...YOU HAVE TO
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DELIVER IT...
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AN L.A. WOMAN CAME OUT OF A RESTAURANT, SAW A MAN DRIVING OFF IN HER BMW,
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JUMPED ON THE HOOD AND HUNG ON; THEN SHE REACHED DOWN THROUGH THE SUN-ROOF
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AND BEGAN PULLING HIS HAIR UNTIL HE WAS FORCED TO STOP IN PAIN...THE WOULD-
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BE CAR THIEF IS UNDER ARREST, AND SAYS THE WHOLE THING WAS A HAIR-RAISING
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EXPERIENCE...
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JUST LOOK AT THE TRAIL OF DISASTERS THAT FOLLOWED IN THE WAKE OF THE POPE'S
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VISIT: MIAMI GETS A HURRICANE, LOS ANGELES GETS AN EARTHQUAKE, AND DETROIT
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AND SAN FRANCISCO BOTH LOSE THE PENNANT!
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KEVIN KEUL WAS THE "MAD DOCTOR" ON DISPLAY AT A HAUNTED HOUSE IN MILWAUKEE,
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WHEN HIS SHOES TRIPPED AN ELECTRICAL WIRE AND STARTED GIVING HIM SHOCKS--HE
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YELLED FOR HELP, BUT EVERYONE THOUGHT IT WAS PART OF THE ACT, UNTIL HE
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STARTED USING FOUL LANGUAGE...IF YOU THINK THE KIDDIES GET NIGHTMARES--
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IMAGINE WHAT THE PERFORMERS GO THROUGH!
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YEROSHA, THE MONKEY WHO FIDDLED WITH THE EQUIPMENT AND SABOTAGED A RUSSIAN
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SPACE FLIGHT, IS BACK ON THE GROUND SAFELY, AND HIS LIFE WILL BE SPARED,
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BECAUSE AUTHORITIES SAY HIS ANTICS WON THE HEARTS OF THE PEOPLE...BESIDES,
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THE MONKEY SWEARS HE WASN'T TRYING TO RUIN THE EXPERIMENTS--HE WAS JUST
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TRYING TO LAND THE THING IN RED SQUARE!
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HOW TO STOP THE OFFICE BORE FROM RATTLING ON AND ON WHEN YOU'VE GOT TO GET
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BACK TO WORK? SIMPLY SAY, "BY THE WAY--MY KID IS SELLING CHOCOLATE-COVERED
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HARD-BOILED EGGS FOR HIS SCHOOL TEAM--CAN I PUT YOU DOWN FOR A COUPLE OF
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CARTONS?" IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, SIMPLY TRY STUFFING HIS TIE IN HIS
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MOUTH...
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I JUST ABOUT MADE IT ON TIME THIS MORNING--MY ALARM DIDN'T GO OFF AND I GOT
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UP HALF AN HOUR LATE; LUCKILY, I'VE LEARNED HOW TO SHAVE WITH MY RIGHT
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HAND, WHILE BRUSHING MY TEETH WITH MY LEFT...
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IN OTHER NEWS, THE ATTORNEY GENERAL, IN A SWEEPING NEW MOVE TO CLAMP DOWN
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ON OBSCENITY AND PORNOGRAPHY, JUST ARRESTED THE SURGEON GENERAL FOR TALKING
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ABOUT CONDOMS IN PUBLIC...
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ACCORDING TO AN ARTICLE IN PENTHOUSE, PRESIDENT JAMES BUCHANAN MAY HAVE
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BEEN GAY; HE NEVER MARRIED, HE HAD A MALE ROOM-MATE FOR 23 YEARS, AND THEY
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EXCHANGED WHAT LOOK A LOT LIKE LOVE-LETTERS...BUCHANAN WAS NOT ONE OF YOUR
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BETER-KNOWN PRESIDENTS; IN FACT, THE ONLY PLACE YOU SEE HIS PICTURE THESE
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DAYS IS ON THE $3 BILL...
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THE LATEST MONEY MAGAZINE SURVEY SHOWS MORE WOMEN WORRY ABOUT MONEY THAN
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MEN DO--BY 40% TO 28%...WELL, THEY HAVE TO--THEY ONLY EARN 70 CENTS FOR
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EVERY DOLLAR A MAN GETS...
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October 16, 1987
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BESS MYERSON, MISS AMERICA 1945, GETS INDICTED FOR BRIBERY? IF SHE'S
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CONVICTED, DOES THAT MEAN THAT THE RUNNER-UP WILL TAKE OVER HER TITLE?
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SOME MEMBERS OF THE BEEF PRODUCER'S ORGANIZATION WANT TO DUMP CYBILL
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SHEPHERD AS THEIR NATIONAL SPOKESMAN, BECAUSE THEY FOUND OUT HER NEWBORN
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TWINS WERE CONCEIVED BEFORE SHE GOT MARRIED--HOLY COW! BUT YOU HAVE TO
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REALIZE, A LITTLE BAD BLOOD BETWEEN THE CATTLEMEN AND THE SHEPHERDS IS
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NOTHING NEW...
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ITALIAN PREMIER GIOVANNI GORIA SAYS HE HAS NO INTENTION OF PULLING ITALIAN
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SHIPS OUT OF THE PERSIAN GULF, DESPITE THREATS FROM THE IRANIAN
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GOVERNMENT...THIS WHOLE SITUATION JUST KEEPS GETTING GORIA & GORIA...
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DOW JONES INC., PUBLISHERS OF THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, ARE THREATENING TO
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SUE A CHIILDREN'S PAPER IN COLORADO SPRINGS, WHICH CALLS ITSELF THE SMALL
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STREET JOURNAL FOR STEALING THEIR NAME...I TOLD THOSE GUYS THEY'D GET IN
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TROUBLE WITH THAT NAME...I WOULD'VE CALLED IT "U.S.A. TOMORROW"!
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DO YOU SEE A LITTLE PARALLEL BETWEEN THE AUTUMN LEAVES, AND THE POLITICAL
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CANDIDATES? ONE WEEK FLASH; THE NEXT WEEK, TRASH...
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THE PRESIDENT VOWS TO NOMINATE ANOTHER JUSTICE FOR THE SUPREME COURT WHOM
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CONGRESS WILL OBJECT TO "JUST AS MUCH" AS THEY DID TO BORK...I GUESS THIS
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MEANS HE'S PREPARED TO SUFFER REJECTIONS, BORK TO BORK...
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A NEW SURVEY FROM A WEST GERMAN NEWSPAPER SHOWS 65% OF GERMANS PREFER TO
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MAKE LOVE IN THE DARK--SOME PRETTY STRANGE FIGURES, BUT THEN, THE I GUESS
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THE LACK OF LIGHT HIDES SOME PRETTY STRANGE FIGURES, TOO...
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"NOW THAT THE FIGHTING HAS DIED DOWN IN EL SALVADOR, AVON IS BACK IN
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BUSINESS THERE. AND DOING WELL."--QUOTE FROM AVON'S IN-HOUSE
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NEWSLETTER...JUST BE A LITTLE CAREFUL IF YOU'RE THERE, THOUGH...NEVER OPEN
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THE DOOR WHEN YOU HEAR SOMEONE SAY, "DING DONG--RIGHT-WING DEATH SQUAD
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CALLING..."
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DO YOU THINK THERE'LL BE ANYONE LEFT TO VOTE FOR BY THE TIME THE ELECTIONS
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ROLL AROUND? WHAT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT IS, WHY WOULD ANYONE WHO NEVER LIED,
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STOLE, CHEATED, OR BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE, OR TATTLED, AND HAD NO
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INTENTION OF DOING ANY OF THOSE THINGS, WANT TO GO INTO POLITICS?
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I BOUGHT MY WIFE A NEW WATCH YESTERDAY; I'M HOPING THAT THE NEXT TIME WE'RE
|
|
LATE FOR A DINNER APPOINTMENT, AND I SAY, "WHEN DO YOU THINK YOU'LL BE
|
|
READY, DEAR," SHE'LL LOOK AT THAT, RATHER THAN HER CALENDAR...
|
|
|
|
THE GAL NEXT DOOR SAYS SOMETIMES PEOPLE CAN BE SO RUDE...SHE SAYS, JUST
|
|
BECAUSE YOU WHEEL A SHOPPING CART UP TO THE CONTRACEPTIVE COUNTER AT THE
|
|
DRUG STORE, PEOPLE THINK THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO ASK PERSONAL
|
|
QUESTIONS...(Caen)
|
|
|
|
GAG UPDATE: THE CARTERS, THE NIXONS, THE HARTS AND THE BIDENS ARE IN A
|
|
ROWBOAT WHEN IT STARTS TO SINK; CARTER SAYS "SAVE THE WOMEN!" NIXON SAYS,
|
|
"SCREW THE WOMEN!" HART SAYS, "UH, DO YOU THINK WE HAVE TIME?" AND BIDEN
|
|
SAYS, "UH, DO YOU THINK WE HAVE TIME?" (Rick Sellers, WMT)
|
|
|
|
I'D BE THE LAST ONE TO CRITICIZE A PERSON'S LIFE-STYLE...BUT IF HE EVER
|
|
GETS AROUND TO RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT, PEOPLE ARE GOING TO ASK RONALD
|
|
McDONALD ABOUT HIS CLOSE FRIENDSHIP WITH "MAC TONIGHT"...
|
|
|
|
("Marvin" in the funnies says,) I ASKED MY WIFE, "WHAT'S FOR DINNER
|
|
TONIGHT?" SHE SAID IT'S A SURPRISE; I SAID, "HOW COME? NEW RECIPE?" SHE
|
|
SAID, "NO--YOUR SON PEELED ALL THE LABELS OFF OF ALL THE CANS IN THE
|
|
PANTRY..."
|
|
|
|
October 16, 1987 p. 2
|
|
|
|
DID YOU KNOW THAT DOCTORS SAY IF YOU EAT SLOWLY, YOU'LL EAT LESS? THIS IS
|
|
ESPECIALLY TRUE WHEN YOU HAVE THE WHOLE FAMILY OVER FOR THANKSGIVING
|
|
DINNER...
|
|
|
|
DAVID STEVENS OF WEST FRANKFORT, ILLINOIS HAS AN USUAL HOBBY; HE PAINTS THE
|
|
STATUE OF LIBERTY ON A GRAIN OF RICE; HE CAN DO ONE IN ABOUT 15 MINUTES,
|
|
BUT NO ONE WANTS TO BUY THEM...I HAVE A SIMILAR PROBLEM WITH MY HOBBY: I
|
|
WRITE THE WISDOM OF RONALD REAGAN ON THE HEAD OF A PIN...
|
|
|
|
DID YOU KNOW I CAN TRACE MY ANCESTRY BACK TO THE BOSTON TEA PARTY? MY
|
|
GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT AUNT, HESTER (you)--SHE WAS THE LAST BAG THEY THREW
|
|
INTO THE HARBOR!
|
|
|
|
A NEW SURVEY OF WIVES OVER 35 SHOWS THEY MAKE MOST OF THE FINANCIAL DE-
|
|
CISIONS IN THEIR FAMILIES, WITH HUSBANDS AS ADVISORS; LIKE WHERE TO LIVE,
|
|
HOW TO FURNISH, WHAT STOCKS & BONDS TO BUY...IT'S TRUE; AT HOME I ONLY MAKE
|
|
THE BIG DECISIONS: SHOULD WE SEND MONEY TO THE CONTRAS, SHOULD BORK BE
|
|
CONFIRMED...
|
|
|
|
THE SHRINK TOLD MY BROTHER-IN-LAW HE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY...THE ONLY
|
|
THING IS, IT'S NEVER BEEN DEVELOPED...
|
|
|
|
A WOMAN IN CADIZ, KENTUCKY WAS INJURED BY AN OUT-OF-CONTROL OUTHOUSE LAST
|
|
WEEK, DURING THE OUTHOUSE RACES AT A LOCAL FAIR; THE DRIVER SAID HE JUST
|
|
LOST CONTROL OF THE THING; SHE SUFFERED CUTS & BRUISES, BUT THE OUTHOUSE
|
|
WAS INTACT--AND NO WONDER...IT WAS BUILT LIKE A BRICK OUTHOUSE...
|
|
|
|
MY NEIGHBORS DECIDED TO NAME THEIR NEW DOG "TWICE"...I ASKED HIM WHY SUCH A
|
|
STRANGE NAME AND HE SAID, "WELL--HE NEVER COMES WHEN YOU CALL HIM ONCE!"
|
|
|
|
WAYNE NEWTON IS GOING TO THE PERSIAN GULF TO ENTERTAIN U.S. TROOPS...A NICE
|
|
START, BUT WHAT ABOUT BOB HOPE? AS FAR AS ANYONE KNOWS, THERE'S STILL NO
|
|
HOPE IN THE MIDDLE EAST...
|
|
|
|
GRANDDAD GOT PULLED OVER ON INTERSTATE (local) FOR DRIVING TOO SLOW; THE
|
|
COP ASKED HIM, "DO YOU KNOW WHY I STOPPED YOU?" AND GRANDDAD SAID, "I WAS
|
|
THE ONLY ONE YOU COULD CATCH??"
|
|
|
|
FOUNTAIN PENS HAVE STARTED MAKING A COMEBACK, ACCORDING TO A SPOKESMAN FOR
|
|
PARKER PENS; SALES ARE NEARLY DOUBLE WHAT THEY WERE IN THE 70'S, ESPECIALLY
|
|
OF THE PRICEY, HIGH FASHION MODELS, WHICH CAN SELL FOR UP TO $6500...I GOT
|
|
ONE OF THOSE AS A GIFT A FEW YEARS AGO, BUT I NEVER COULD FIGURE OUT WHERE
|
|
TO PUT THE BATTERY...
|
|
|
|
OKAY, SO PAT ROBERTSON WASN'T MARRIED WHEN HIS SON WAS CONCEIVED, AND JOE
|
|
BIDEN DIDN'T GRADUATE IN THE TOP TWO-THIRDS OF HIS CLASS, AND GARY'S LAST
|
|
NAME ISN'T REALLY HART...SO WHAT? IT'S AN OLD AMERICAN TRADITION--IF YOU
|
|
CAN'T LIE A LITTLE ON YOUR RESUME, WHERE CAN YOU LIE?
|
|
|
|
("The Lockhorns" say,) I THINK I MISUNDERSTOOD MY WIFE WHEN SHE SAID WHAT
|
|
WE WERE HAVING FOR DINNER LAST NIGHT; I THOUGHT SHE SAID HUNGARIAN GOULASH,
|
|
BUT IT TASTED MORE LIKE HUNGARIAN GALOSHES...
|
|
|
|
HEAR ABOUT THE GENETIC SCIENTIST WHO BRED A MOUSE THE SIZE OF THE LION?
|
|
ONE DAY HE DISAPPEARED WHILE WORKING WITH IT, AND NOBODY COULD EXPLAIN WHAT
|
|
HAPPENED...THEY KEPT ON ASKING, "DOCTOR, DOCTOR--IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE
|
|
MOUSE?"
|
|
|
|
ACCORDING TO A NATIONAL SURVEY, MORE THAN 25% OF ALL AMERICANS HAVE READ
|
|
THE BIBLE, COVER TO COVER...EITHER THAT, OR THEY MISSED THE PART ABOUT NOT
|
|
LYING...EVEN TO NOSY POLLSTERS...
|
|
|
|
October 17, 1987
|
|
|
|
ROSALYNN CARTER TOLD THE MENTAL HEALTH ASSOCATION MEETING IN BIRMINGHAM
|
|
THAT THE MEDIA ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR PROMOTING THE STEREOTYPE OF THE MENTALLY
|
|
ILL AS DANGEROUS PEOPLE--WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY LADY? DOESN'T SHE REMEMBER,
|
|
ALL THE TIME HER HUSBAND WAS PRESIDENT, THE MEDIA SUFFERED FROM PEANUTS
|
|
ENVY??
|
|
|
|
A HOLLYWOOD, FLORIDA MAN DIED AND LEFT $300,000 FOR THE CARE AND FEEDING OF
|
|
HIS THREE DOGS..."HELLO, PTL CLUB? CAN YOU RECOMMEND A GOOD DOG-HOUSE
|
|
BUILDER TO ME?"
|
|
|
|
I NEVER HEARD IT EVEN MENTIONED IT ON THE NEWS, BUT THE BIGGEST EARTHQUAKE
|
|
OF THE YEAR--7.8 ON THE RICHTER SCALE--OCCURRED LAST WEEK IN THE PACIFIC,
|
|
ABOUT 280 MILES NORTH OF NEW GUINEA...DAMAGE WAS ESTIMATED AT CLOSE TO 7
|
|
MILLION SEASHELLS...
|
|
|
|
SOVIET AUTHORITIES ARE HINTING THAT 17-YEAR-OLD MATHIAS RUST, THE WEST
|
|
GERMAN PILOT WHO LANDED IN RED SQUARE, MAY BE RELEASED ON NOVEMBER
|
|
SEVENTH...I HOPE SO; THEN HE CAN GO HOME, AND GET BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL WHERE
|
|
HE BELONGS...I CAN'T WAIT TO READ HIS COMPOSITION ABOUT "WHAT I DID ON MY
|
|
SUMMER VACATION"...
|
|
|
|
("Frank & Ernest" in the funnies say,) I SEE THE GOVERNMENT'S CLAMP-DOWN ON
|
|
AIRLINE SCHEDULING HAS HAD SOME EFFECT ALEADY...I UNDERSTAND THE DISPLAY
|
|
MONITORS AT THE AIRPORT HAVE BEEN CHANGED A LITTLE; THE SIGNS OVER THEM NOW
|
|
SAY "ALLEGED ARRIVALS" AND "ALLEGED DEPARTURES"...
|
|
|
|
A DRIVER IN STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN WHO HELPED THE POLICE NAB A SUSPECTED THIEF
|
|
WAS FINED $80 FOR RUNNING A STOP SIGN, IN PURSUIT OF THEIR GETAWAY
|
|
CAR...THAT'S $40 FOR IGNORING A TRAFFIC SIGN, AND ANOTHER $40 FOR MAKING
|
|
THE COPS LOOK LIKE SWEDISH MEATBALLS...
|
|
|
|
WEST GERMAN SCIENTISTS ARE STARTED BORING THE DEEPEST HOLE EVER DRILLED, TO
|
|
STUDY THE EARTH'S CRUST; BY 1996, THEY EXPECT IT TO BE NINE MILES
|
|
DEEP...JUST ONE THING--DO ME A FAVOR--KEEP ALL TODDLERS AWAY FROM THE
|
|
AREA...
|
|
|
|
AN ELDERLY FLORIDA MAN IS HOME AFTER BEING MISSING FOR A WEEK; IT SEEMS HE
|
|
WAS DRIVING TO VISIT HIS SON IN GEORGIA, TOOK A WRONG TURN, AND ENDED UP IN
|
|
INDIANA...I BET HE GOT INSTRUCTIONS FROM THE SAME GAS STATION I DID, WHEN I
|
|
WAS LOOKING FOR (local)...
|
|
|
|
I'LL SAY THIS ABOUT MY BROTHER-IN-LAW: ONCE HE MAKES UP HIS MIND TO BE
|
|
INDECISIVE ABOUT SOMETHING, HE STICKS WITH IT, NO MATTER WHAT!
|
|
|
|
I READ IN THE PAPER THAT THERE ARE MORE THAN 750 SPOKEN LANGUAGES ON THE
|
|
ISLAND OF NEW GUINEA...CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT THEIR HIGHWAY SIGNS MUST LOOK
|
|
LIKE?
|
|
|
|
MARGARET THATCHER PAID AN UNOFFICIAL VISIT TO DALLAS LAST WEEKEND (10/17 &
|
|
18), JUST TO DROP IN ON HER SON MARK AND HIS WIFE...AN UNOFFICIAL VISIT BY
|
|
A MOTHER-IN-LAW? THAT'S ONE WHERE YOU DON'T NEED TO GET THE CARPET
|
|
SHAMPOOED, THE DRAPES CLEANED, AND THE KITCHEN RE-PAINTED...
|
|
|
|
JAMES BURNETT, OF THE TRANSPORTATION SAFETY BOARD, SAYS THE AIRLINES ARE
|
|
RUNNING INTO A SHORTAGE OF TRAINED, QUALIFIED PILOTS; THEY GET FAR FEWER
|
|
APPLICANTS THAN THEY USED TO, AND THOSE WHO APPLY HAVE LESS EXPERIENCE...I
|
|
KNEW IT ON THE COMMUTER FLIGHT I TOOK TO (city), AND THE PILOT HAD TO LAND
|
|
TWICE TO ASK FOR INSTRUCTIONS...
|
|
|
|
A MARTIAL ARTS INSTRUCTOR IN LONDON IS TEACHING BRITISH BUSINESSMEN HOW TO
|
|
USE THEIR UMBRELLAS AS WEAPONS ON THE STREET, BECAUSE IT'S ILLEGAL THERE TO
|
|
CARRY REAL WEAPONS OF ANY KIND...INSTEAD OF TAKING A BITE OUT OF CRIME,
|
|
THEY'RE LEARNING HOW TO PUT A DAMPER ON IT...
|
|
|
|
THE PRESIDENT SAYS HIS NEXT NOMINEE FOR THE SUPREME COURT WILL BE EQUALLY
|
|
HARD TO CONFIRM AS JUDGE BORK WAS...OKAY, BUT DO YOU THINK BONZO REALLY
|
|
WANTS THE JOB?
|
|
|
|
|
|
Recycling Project Issue #41
|
|
|
|
ONE YEAR AGO IN ONE TO ONE:
|
|
|
|
Don't think of Ronald Reagan as the man who doubled the national debt while
|
|
in office; think of him as the man who made the government give the
|
|
American people $1 of services, for every 80 it took in...
|
|
Russia has a new incentive program in the factories, giving workers who
|
|
produce more extra pay; workers who produce less will get trained for a new
|
|
job--and workers who produce nothing at all? They go to work for the
|
|
government, just like here... I don't know whether or not I'll be eligible
|
|
to vote next month--but I did register for enough parties to keep me busy
|
|
until Christmas... There's always someone telling you when you've got to be
|
|
home at night: first it was my mother; then it was my wife--now, it's the
|
|
baby-sitter!... The front office has a new service where they deposit my
|
|
paycheck directly into my checking account, so I don't have to go to the
|
|
bank every week--I like that, because it completely does away with the
|
|
illusion that I ever actually see any of the money... I took the screen
|
|
door down over the weekend; the kids will probably miss it most because all
|
|
summer long, they got a bang out of it... A researcher at the U. of Florida
|
|
says his studies show that snoring may actually lower your IQ--yeah--
|
|
especially if you do it during class... Nursery rhymes, updated: "Old
|
|
Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor daughter a dress; when
|
|
she got there, the cupboard was bare--and so was her daughter, I guess"...
|
|
My wife's gotten interested in classical music lately; she says it helps
|
|
calm her nerves when the stress starts to build up--like they say, "When
|
|
the going gets tough, the tough go Chopin"... Aunt Sarah says she's at that
|
|
difficult age now: too young for Medicare, and too old for men to care...
|
|
Grandma and Grandpa are suffering from one of those age-old problems: she
|
|
won't admit hers, and he won't act his... Sad to hear that Uncle Billie,
|
|
the swashbuckling pirate, came to an unfortunate end; he was swingin' from
|
|
the yardarm one day, when his buckle came unswashed... Bumper sticker I
|
|
spotted: "Archaeologists will date any old thing"... Personal health tip:
|
|
never buy a glass eye from a store where they're playing marbles on the
|
|
floor when you walk in... I believe we get out of life exactly what we ask
|
|
for; for instance, if you want to be alone, try asking for one... It's
|
|
never too late to do the things you really want to do--unless, of course,
|
|
she's already fallen asleep... You can't help what you feel, but you can
|
|
help what you do about it--at least, that's the way I feel, and I can't
|
|
help it...
|
|
|
|
|
|
THREE YEARS AGO IN FRUITBOWL:
|
|
|
|
I don't understand these airlines! First the hostess comes by and asks you
|
|
what you want; then she straps you in so you can't get it!
|
|
Some people claim that Ronald Reagan is out of touch with reality;
|
|
considering what reality is these days, I think they're just jealous... If
|
|
Karl Marx were alive today, what would he say? "Workers of the world,
|
|
unite! You have nothing to lose but your VCR's, your CD players, your home
|
|
computers"... My latest invention will help you cut energy costs in your
|
|
home this winter: it's a machine that rolls the new-style phone bills--into
|
|
fireplace logs... Hear about the new James Bond slacks for secret agents?
|
|
Press a button in the pocket and they fire 25 rounds; however, the recoil
|
|
can bring tears to your eyes... A study from Weight Watchers shows women
|
|
who become very fat often lose interest in sex; that's pretty sad, when a
|
|
woman would rather have cheesecake than beefcake... Surveys show fewer than
|
|
20% of all people with mental disorders ever seek professional help--bad
|
|
news for psychologists and psychiatrists; good news for barbers, bartenders
|
|
and talk-show hosts... The AMA says one third of all first-year medical
|
|
students are women now; a nice step, but it doesn't have much to do with
|
|
equality--real equality will come when one half of all nursing students are
|
|
men!... A study from the U. of Washington shows rats exposed to low-level
|
|
microwaves over a period of time tend to have a very high rate of cancer--
|
|
boy, some people will do anything to develop a better mousetrap!... I never
|
|
meant to suggest that the boss was tight-fisted with his money; it's just
|
|
that he's the only one I know who ever tossed a penny in a wishing well--
|
|
and wished for it back!... I bought one of those new California blenders
|
|
yesterday; it has three settings: mellow, intense, and totally awesome...
|
|
Notice how the days are getting shorter? When they get shortest of all,
|
|
that's when you'll have to do your Christmas shopping!
|
|
|
|
FIVE YEARS AGO IN FRUITBOWL:
|
|
|
|
The Postal Service has requested a change in their official motto; instead
|
|
of that old business of "neither snow nor rain nor gloom of night," they
|
|
wanted it updated to a simple "Please allow four to six weeks for
|
|
delivery"...
|
|
This weekend I fed all our financial facts and figures into our home
|
|
computer; not only did it tell us exactly how to manage our household
|
|
budget--it even printed out a list of good banks to rob!... The AMA reminds
|
|
you: before going on any diet, see your physician--or, at least send him a
|
|
payment...
|
|
|
|
Day to Day Issue #41
|
|
|
|
October 26: In case you "fell backward" Saturday night and forgot to do
|
|
the same for your clocks, today is the first regular work day of Standard
|
|
Time. On this day in... 1774: The Continental Congress invited Canada and
|
|
Nova Scotia to join the other thirteen colonies in the Revolution. They
|
|
were somewhat cool to the idea... (But then, they're always cool...) 1825:
|
|
The first major man-made waterway in America, the Erie Canal, opened for
|
|
traffic. It connected Lake Erie with the Hudson River, and thus, the Great
|
|
Lakes with the Atlantic Ocean. Total cost: $7.5 million--and that was back
|
|
in the days when a million was real money! (Today, you couldn't do the
|
|
environmental impact report for that...) 1834: English inventor Joseph A.
|
|
Hansom patented his "safety cab," a two-wheeled, one-horse vehicle in which
|
|
passengers could ride in an enclosed cabin--for a Hansom fee. 1881: The
|
|
Earp Brothers, Wyatt and Virgil, along with their friend Doc Holliday,
|
|
finished off Billy Clanton and the McLowery brothers at Tombstone, Arizona,
|
|
in (drum roll, please...) the Gunfight at OK Corral. (True sidelight:)
|
|
Soon after that, Wyatt moved on to other cities in the West to look after
|
|
his extensive real estate and mining properties--proving that sometimes,
|
|
even the good guys get rich. 1916: The first birth control clinic in the
|
|
U.S. was shut down by New York's Finest, for the crime of distributing
|
|
information about diaphragms. (You've come a long way, baby--and so have
|
|
your babies...) 1982: Steve Carlton of the Phillies became the first
|
|
pitcher to win the Cy Young Award four times. Birthdays: retired Senator
|
|
Edward Brooke of Massachusetts, Washington DC, 1919 (68); actress Jaclyn
|
|
Smith (the Max Factor commercials), Houston, 1948 (39).
|
|
|
|
October 27: On this day in... 1728: Captain James Cook, the great English
|
|
explorer, was born in Yorkshire. Popular with his men as an unusually
|
|
humane and fair captain, he's remembered as the discoverer of Australia,
|
|
New Zealand and, of course, the Sandwich (Hawaiian) Islands. (As his wife
|
|
once said, "You make the sandwiches, and I'll make the Cook!") 1904: The
|
|
first New York City subway line opened, whisking passengers from the
|
|
Brooklyn Bridge to mid-town Manhattan in comfort, safety and speed. (It's
|
|
still speedy...) 1938: The DuPont Corporation announced the invention of
|
|
nylon. (Little did they suspect at the time that it would some day lead to
|
|
pantihose...) 1978: The Nobel Peace Prize was awarded jointly to Anwar
|
|
Sadat and Menachim Begin, to honor them for the Camp David Agreements.
|
|
Birthdays: Theodore Roosevelt, 26th president, New York, 1858 (d. 1919);
|
|
actress Teresa Wright ("Somewhere In Time"), New York, 1918 (69); actress
|
|
Nanette Fabray ("One Day At A Time"), San Diego, 1920 (67); actress Ruby
|
|
Dee ("A Raisin In The Sun"), Cleveland OH, 1924 (63); singer/actress Melba
|
|
Moore ("Purlie"), New York, 1945 (42); actress Carrie Snodgrass ("Diary Of
|
|
A Mad Housewife"), Park Ridge IL, 1945 (42); rocker Simon LeBon (Duran
|
|
Duran), Bushey, England, 1958 (29).
|
|
|
|
October 28: On this day in... 1492: Christopher Columbus discovered Cuba.
|
|
("What this 5-cent cigar needs, is a good country!") 1636: Harvard
|
|
College, the first institution of higher learning in the Colonies, was
|
|
founded. (My Great Grand-uncle Harry was a member of that first freshman
|
|
class, and we're all very excited; he graduates next spring!) 1793: Eli
|
|
Whitney filed a patent for his "engine," which separated plant fiber from
|
|
seeds--the "cotton 'gin"!
|
|
|
|
1886: President Grover Cleveland unveiled our 100th birthday present from
|
|
France--the Statue Of Liberty. 1919: Congress passed the Volstead Act--
|
|
Prohibition--banning all alcoholic beverages from this country. (We were
|
|
smart enough to correct the error, but not smart enough to keep from
|
|
repeating it...) 1965: the "Gateway To The West" Arch in St. Louis was
|
|
completed. Standing 640 feet high, it's the world's tallest man-made
|
|
monument. Birthdays: Dr. Jonas Salk, inventor of the injectable polio
|
|
vaccine (and now working on a vaccine against AIDS), New York, 1914 (73);
|
|
retired Baseball Commissioner Bowie Kuhn, Takoma Park MD, 1926 (61);
|
|
actress Dodie Goodman ("Splash"), Columbus OH, 1929 (58); actress Joan
|
|
Plowright ("The Way Of The World"), Brigg, England, 1929 (58); Country
|
|
Music great Charlie Daniels ("The Devil Went Down To Georgia"), North
|
|
Carolina, 1936 (51); actress Jane Alexander ("Testament"), Boston, 1939
|
|
(48); actress Telma Hopkins ("Gimme A Break"), Louisville, 1948 (39);
|
|
decathlon hero Bruce Jenner, Mt. Kisco NY, 1949 (38).
|
|
|
|
October 29: Today is Turkey Day--but only in Turkey, where the Republic
|
|
was founded on this day in 1923. On this day in... 1618: Sir Walter
|
|
Raleigh, the man who introduced potatoes and tobacco into England--"bought
|
|
the farm." After King James I had had him locked up on treason charges
|
|
("That's HIS version!") in the Tower of London, Raleigh told his jailers a
|
|
story about a city of gold--"El Dorado"--which existed somewhere in South
|
|
America. They let him go on condition that he find it and claim it for the
|
|
crown. Unfortunately, ol' Walter was unable to produce the goods, and
|
|
really lost his head over it. Really. 1682: William Penn first landed in
|
|
the New World, at what is now Chester, Pennsylvania. ("On the whole," he
|
|
said, "I'd rather be in Philadelphia.") (Penn and his Quakers settled the
|
|
area, and are not to be confused with a later group which settled in
|
|
Southern California, the "Earth-Quakers".) 1929: After several days of
|
|
plummeting prices, the stock market finally crashed, on what Wall Street
|
|
remembers as "Black Tuesday." Most brokers were in such a Great
|
|
Depression, that they gave their name to the era... (And if you believe
|
|
that...) 1947 (forty years ago today): For the first time in history, man
|
|
created rain--in a cloud-seeding operation near Concord, New Hampshire,
|
|
which was used successfully to put out a forest fire. (Today, we have acid
|
|
rain, which can eliminate the fire, and the forest...) Birthdays: actor
|
|
Richard Dreyfuss ("Stakeout"), Brooklyn NY, 1947 (40); actress Kate Jackson
|
|
("Scarecrow And Mrs. King"), Birmingham AL, 1949 (38).
|
|
|
|
October 29--31: The Louisiana Swine Festival. This year's theme: "Let's
|
|
go pig pickin' at the Swine Festival!" Live music & carnival, boudin (?)
|
|
eating contest, hog calling, couchon de lait, contests, cook-offs etc. For
|
|
more info phone Mary Jane "Snookie" LeJeune, President, at (318) 432 5437.
|
|
On-air interviews okay.
|
|
|
|
October 30: On this day in... 1888: John H. Loud patented the ballpoint
|
|
pen. Because of problems with the ink however, it didn't come into common
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usage until 1945. (He tried to keep it a secret, but it leaked...) 1920:
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Frederick Banting scribbled the note which led to the discovery of insulin:
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"Tie pancreas ducts of dogs. Wait six or eight weeks. Remove and
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extract." (From an old Korean recipe...) 1922: Benito Mussolini, "Il
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Duce," became Prime Minister of Italy. 1938: Orson Welles presented his
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famous radio dramatization of H.G. Wells' "War Of The Worlds," changing the
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locations of the story, for dramatic effect, to real places in New Jersey,
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and changing much of the dialogue to a series of news bulletins. Darned if
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it didn't work--even though the broadcast was surrounded and interspersed
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with reminders that it was "just a story," and there was widespread panic
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in New Jersey. (New Yorkers heard it too, but they didn't want to get
|
|
involved...) 1941: The Reuben James (where's that Kenny Rogers record??)
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went down off Iceland--the first U.S. warship to be sunk by the Germans in
|
|
World War II. 1977 (ten years ago today): A 747 jumbo jet with 150
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|
passengers aboard landed at San Francisco, ending an around-the-world
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|
flight in a record-breaking 54 hours, seven minutes. Birthdays: John
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Adams, second president, Braintree MA, 1735 (d. 1826); Baseball Hall Of
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Famer Ted Williams, first major league player with a batting average over
|
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.400 for a full season, San Diego, 1918 (69); singer Grace Slick
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|
(Starship), Chicago, 1939 (48); actor Henry Winkler ("The One And Only"),
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New York, 1945 (42); actor Harry Hamlin ("L.A. Law"), Pasadena CA, 1951
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|
(36).
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October 31: Halloween/All Hallows' Eve. (Offer a prize for the best
|
|
phoned-in safety suggestion for the kids tonight. Possibly, invite
|
|
listeners to help you build a list of enjoyable, non-edible handouts for
|
|
the kids--whistles, combs, ballpoint pens, etc.) ALSO: National Magic
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|
Day, observed every year on the anniversary of Harry Houdini's death in
|
|
1926. (He was born Erich Weisz on 3/24/1874 in Budapest, Hungary.) ALSO:
|
|
Youth Honor Day (what fuddy-duddies thought that one up??) in Iowa and
|
|
Massachusetts. ALSO: Increase Your Psychic Powers Day, sponsored by
|
|
Barbara Donchess of Canton, Mass. This year's theme: "Everybody Is
|
|
Psychic." Ms. Donchess describes herself as a psychic astrologer and
|
|
occult author. "Her predictive ability has brought her to world attention
|
|
in The New York Times, US, The National Enquirer," etc. For more info,
|
|
phone her at (617) 828 1845. On-air interviews okay. Best times: only on
|
|
Friday and Saturday, 10/30 & 31, and only before 5 pm EST. On this day
|
|
in... 1517 (470 years ago today): Martin Luther nailed his "95 theses" to
|
|
the door of his church in Wittenburg, Germany, kicking off the Protestant
|
|
Reformation. Most Protestant churches celebrated Reformation Sunday on the
|
|
25th this year. 1864: Nevada was admitted to the Union as the 36th state.
|
|
It's Admission Day in the Silver State. 1982 (five years ago today): Pope
|
|
John Paul II canonized Marguerite Bourgeois, declaring her Canada's first
|
|
woman saint, because of her heroism and life-long concern for family life.
|
|
1984: Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi was assassinated by two of her
|
|
own bodyguards; she was succeeded by her son Rajiv Gandhi, a former airline
|
|
pilot. Birthdays: cow-person Dale Evans (Mrs. Roy Rogers), Uvalde, Texas,
|
|
1912 (75); former Attorney General Griffin Bell, Americus GA, 1918 (69);
|
|
actress Barbara Bel Geddes ("Dallas"), New York, 1922 (65); actress Lee
|
|
Grant (HBO's "America Undercover" series), New York, 1931 (56); anchorman
|
|
Dan Rather, Wharton TX, 1931 (56); actor Michael Landon ("Highway To
|
|
Heaven"), Forest Hills NY, 1936 (51); actor David Ogden Stiers (rhymes with
|
|
"fires") ("M*A*S*H"), Peoria IL, 1942 (45); violin great Itzhak Perlman,
|
|
Tel Aviv, 1945 (42); "Today Show" host Jane Pauley (Mrs. Gary Trudeau), In-
|
|
dianapolis, 1950 (37).
|
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|
November: From the Latin novem, meaning nine. Back when the year started
|
|
in March, this was the ninth month. The birthstone is topaz, symbolizing
|
|
faithfulness. Birth flower is the chrysanthemum. November is, among other
|
|
things, Aviation History Month, International Creative Child & Adult Month,
|
|
National Epilepsy Month and Home Education Awareness Month.
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|
November 1: All Saints Day, a legal holiday in Louisiana; a holy day of
|
|
obligation for Roman Catholics. ALSO: Thousands are expected to
|
|
participate in the New York City Marathon, running a 26-mile course which
|
|
will take them through all five boroughs. (Check news.) ("Marathon? What
|
|
marathon? I'm running because the guy behind me is a mugger!") On this
|
|
day in... 1512 (475 years ago today): Michelangelo's famous painting on
|
|
the ceiling of the Vatican's Sistine Chapel was unveiled for the first
|
|
time. (I guess the drape fell directly onto the guests below--imagine
|
|
that: a crowd in a shroud!) 1870: The U.S. Weather Bureau made its first
|
|
forecast. (History does not record whether it was right or wrong, but you
|
|
may assume...if they got it right the first time, they'd remember it...)
|
|
1941: The Rainbow Bridge between Niagara Falls, New York and Niagara
|
|
Falls, Ontario was opened. (Up until then, to get from one place to the
|
|
other, you needed either a boat or a barrel...) 1950: Charles Cooper of
|
|
the Boston Celtics became the first Black to play in the NBA. 1952 (25
|
|
years ago today): The Thermonuclear Age dawned as the U.S. exploded the
|
|
first hydrogen bomb at Eniwetok Atoll in the Pacific. 1963: South
|
|
Vietnamese Premier Ngo Dinh Diem was assassinated during an army coup. (We
|
|
tried to warn him...) Birthday: publisher Larry Flynt (Hustler Magazine),
|
|
Salyersville KY, 1942 (45).
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THE PRECEDING IS ALL COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL. COPYRIGHT 1987,
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