333 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
333 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`
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/` `/
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`/ Smurf Genocide Volume #1: /`
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/` rend them, smush them, beat them, mash them, squish them, eat them! `/
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`/ /`
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/` Written by: The Radioactive Snail `/
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`/ of TP&the Heartbreakers /`
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/` `/
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`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`
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You must be familiar with it. The blue things with ugly hats and no gonads.
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Every Saturday morning without fail, these disgusting creatures pollute the
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airways of public television with their disgusting thinking and smurf logic.
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Yes, they are THE SMURFS. This menace must be stopped, it is more urgent than
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Communism, more dangerous than revolts in the Middle East, more disgusting than
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"Videodrome". Yes, it is a blotch on modern civilizaton, and we hope this file
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will help you deal with this threat. Only you can stop this breech in American
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tradition (long live apple pie).
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`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`
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... John woke in a cold sweat. It was 3:35 in the morning, and he sat bolt
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upright in bed, panting, eyes darting to the dark corners of the room, searching
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for the revolting creatures that just a second ago had been penetrating into his
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deep sleep, disturbing his dreams with their chanting. He got out of bed and
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turned on the light, all safe, not a trace of blue in the entire room. A relif.
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He walked out into the hall, and into the kitchen. Turning on the kitchen
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light, he saw his sisters stuffed smurf. He lunged for a butchers knife, and
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impaled the disgustingly cuddly creature on its point, and tossed it into the
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cusinart. An evil, but satasfied grin came to his face as he saw the shreds of
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blue fur rent and torn by the spinning blades of destruction..
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Satisfied, he opened the refrigerator and reached for the jelly and got some
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bread out of the cabnet. On the way to the toaster, his hand froze, and the
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glass jar dropped to the floor with a crash. SMURFBERRY JELLY stated the
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label.. The BLUE label. He shriked, and jumped back in terror, the jelly was
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oozing towards him, slowly.. slowly.. Plungin his hand into the sink, he madly
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squirted soap onto the contaminated limb, and rubbed it vigorously with an
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iron-bristeled brush. Dabbing off the blood, and water, he backed slowly away
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from the oozing jelly into the living room where he clicked on the television.
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... Immediatly the accursed sound of the smurfs chanting reached his ears,
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and he dived for his dad's antique 12 gauge on the wall, pumping several bullets
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into the huge bigscreen television on the floor.. As the tube faded out, he
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caught a glimpse of several smurfs, hands joined, dancing in a circle. All was
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silent.. Peace at last..
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Was that a glimmer of BLUE he saw from the left. Slowly, deliberatly, he
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rotated until he brought the gun to bear on the stero.. Blue? Ah! There, the
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smurf SOUNDTRACK. Throwing his head back in another laugh, he squeezed the
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trigger several times. BLAM BLAM! Bits of blue shredded paper flew in all
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directons, and the cheap blue plastic shattered, showering down at his feet.
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Rushing back through the kitchen to escape the carnage of the living room, he
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paused to throw open the cereal cabnet. There it was: SMURFBERRY CRUNCH.
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Another three shots, and disgusting crunchy red balls were spraying the walls.
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But he knew his mission, he slowly walked down the hall, shoving his sister out
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of the way, walking into her room, to confront the four foot stuffed smurf in
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her closet. Seeing it, he laughed loudly, and screamed "One false move and I'll
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paint the wall with your brains you disgusting blue bastard!". The smurf sat
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there placidly, watchin him with bugging eyes, then began to fall.. fall..
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falling foreward, the bloated blue mass.. falling... he raised the gun, and
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brought it to bear, falling.. falling.. he squeezed the trigger again, and
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again, and again.. A loud click resounded from the firing chamber, and the blue
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mass continued to fall unchecked.. He screamed, and fell to the floor...
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`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`
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Smurf <-- normal smurf
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frumS <-- smurf turned inside out
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Sfmru <-- blended smurf (blender, or cuisinart)
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S r
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m <-- squished smurf
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f u
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__ __
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|S|
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|m|
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|u| <-- smurf nailed into ground
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|r|
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|f|
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|_|
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|uSu f| <-- two blended smurfs in a shake
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|mrfSrm|
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\------/
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_ _ __ _ ___
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|S| |m| |ur| |f| <-- smurf squished into ground
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- - -- -
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m
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u
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r <-- decapitated smurf
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S. f
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SSSSSS
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mmmmmmmm
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uuuuuuuuuu <--- smurf under telephone directory
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rrrrrrrr
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ffffff
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________________________
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| __________________ |
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| |S r m| ' |
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| | | o | <-- smurf in microwave
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| |u f | . |
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| |__________________| |
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|________________________|
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Sm
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urf. <--- smurf turd
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<-- nuked' smurf
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`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`
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What does it take to make a dead smurf float?
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<one scoop of ice cream, and one scoop of dead smurf>
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Why did the dead smurf cross the road?
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<it was stapled to the chicken>
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Whats the difference between unloading a truckload of dead smurfs and a
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truckload of bowling balls?
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<you can pitchfork the dead smurfs>
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Why do smurfs boil water when smurfette is pregnant?
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<so if the smurfs born dead, they can have soup>
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How do you fit ten thousand dead smurfs in a telephone booth?
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<La Machine!>
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How do you get them out?
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<with a straw!>
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Whats red and blue, squirms, and sits in a corner?
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<a smurf playing with a razor blade>
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Whats blue, green, and sits in a corner?
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<the same smurf 6 months later!>
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Whats red, blue, and hangs from the celing?
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<a smurf on a meathook>
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Why do you put a smurf in a blender feet first?
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<so you can see the expression on its face>
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Whats the perfect gift for a dead smurf?
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<a dead puppy>
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Whats red, blue, and goes round and round?
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<a smurf in a garbage disposal>
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Whats red and blue, bubbly, and scratches on the window?
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<a smurf in the microwave>
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Whats blue, slimy, and smells like Smurfette?
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<Pappa smurf's finger>
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What do you get when you have two little blue balls in your hand?
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<Pappa smurf's undivided attention>
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What do you to with a smurf with no arms or legs?
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<take it for a drag>
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Whats the blue stuff between Bambi's toes?
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<slow smurfs>
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Whats invisible and smells like smurfberries?
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<smurf farts>
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`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`
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Support your local WSG orginization (World for Smurf Genocide) in the
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continuing saga of smurf destruction.
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The WSG motto:
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" ... The only good smurf is a dead smurf ... "
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`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`
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Written by: The Radioactive Snail of TP&the Heartbreakers
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Credits to: Clone Ranger
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Call:
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The Last Dimension AE ........................ [10megs] 214/827-5249 ind.p/w
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`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`/`
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(*)--------------------------------------------------------------------------(*)
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| Smurf Genocide Volume II |
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| Rend them smush them beat them; bend them mush them eat them! |
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| Written by: |
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| [mr. sandman] |
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| Original credits to: |
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| RSofTP&theH |
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| A Get Smart Production |
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(*)--------------------------------------------------------------------------(*)
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Jason whirled and looked over his shoulder. He was exhausted from the strain
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of his quest to eradicate all of the pesky blue menace. There! Something had
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moved. He drew his Gerber Guardian without thinking about it and searched the
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landscape for the source of the rustle. He had been waiting for this moment all
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of his life. Jason looked and looked until at last he had become convinced that
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the little bugger was gone. And then he saw it.
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His eyes locked with the black beady ones of the little tiny little fiend.
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For a moment he was frozen. Then with a gleeful laugh Jason pounced. The Smurf
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dodged behind a rock grinning hideously laughing wildly in a high-pitched
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squeal.
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Jason's knife plunged into the ground where the apparition from hell had just
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stood. He stood in disbelief while the Smurf merely laughed. It was a sound of
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evil, somethig only one of the damned could make. The Smurf squealed again and
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cried...
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"That's smurfy!"
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Jason was dizzy with hate and anger at this mockery. He reached into his
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backpack and felt around for something that felt nasty and destructive. He felt
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something that fit this description and removed what turned out to be an
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anti-Smurf fletchette grenade. Excellent choice he thought to himself. Jason
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roared, "Eat this, you blue swine!" and lobbed the grenade at the tiny
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abomination. The Smurf's eyes widened and it ran away in vain to try to escape
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this incendiary doom. BOOM! Little fragments of Smurf-bane blew outwards in
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all directions. Some bounced off Jason harmlessly but some struck the Smurf in
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the back of his head.
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Jason watched with fascination as the Smurf's once aquamarine head slowly
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turned into a deep ruby color. After a while he decided he should resume his
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quest for the final a annihilation of all Smurfs. He decided to walk north.
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After that the day was basically uneventful. He decided to make camp and
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build a fire. He got a nice fire going and he noted how much nicer it would
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have been if there were 20 or 30 Smurfs turning over the fire on a spit. "Shuck
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E. Darn" he said to no one. He stuck a TV dinner over the fire and let it
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cook. After eating it in silence and throwing the container on the ground, he
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climbed in bed and tried to go to sleep. He tossed and turned, tried counting
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sheep, tried singing, all to no avail. He stopped singing but the music
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continued.
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It was familiar... Yes he knew what it was! He could just barely make it
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out. The music went "La la la la la la, la la la la la."
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He leaped out of bed with a flash of rage and grabbed his backpack arsenal.
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Jason cried, "I'm going to nuke you till you glow, you slimy little bastards!
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I'll rip your lungs out!" He reached into the backpack and withdrew a Smurf
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Geiger Counter. He waved it furiously until he picked up readings of the
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Smurfs. He followed the readings and dashed as fast as he could through the
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dark woods towards where they sang their Smurf chants.
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Then he saw them... It wasn't just a group of Smurfs. He had before him
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Poppa Smurf himself along with Smurfette and the whole Smurf village.
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Jason went into a frenzy. He withdrew packets of Smurf-napalm and hurled them
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all over the village. The Smurfs screamed with terror as their kin sizzled to a
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crisp. "I'm going to raze your whole village for what you scum did to John!
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You ripped his arms and legs out after he was unconsciou and then took his
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organs and made Smurf cakes out of them! Die! Die! Die!" After a few moments
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of hurling this liquid fire everywhere at once he discovered that he had no more
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left. "Damn!" he cried. Not to be discouraged from the fun that lay ahead of
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him he reached behind him and grabbed his 9mm Schme eisser MP-40 and the 9mm
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short Sterling MK-4 with one in each hand.
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With peals of laughter he pulled both triggers at once and the ground all
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around erupted. It was as if it was the end of the world and for the Smurf
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village it was. He noticed how on TV the bullets just made holes in things but
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here it was like Armageddon. Chunks of Smurf houses and factories flew through
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the air as if dynamite had exploded in them. Jason decided that this was much
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more than he had hoped for. The bullets went wild going in all directions at
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once chopping down small trees and tearing holes in the ground.
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The Smurfs that took direct hits had merciful deaths. Their bodies were
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reduced to little blue bits of flesh sailing skyward towards then down back to
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the ground towards their maker. But the ones who had the schrapnel from houses
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and trees hit them suffered. For at least a few seconds that is, whereupon they
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were blown to bits by Jason's blazing guns. Soon all the Smurfs had fled from
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the village or at least those who escaped death. Jason considered destroying
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the village utterly but then he had a better idea. He reached into his backpack
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and withdrew several Smurf-sensing mines. He remembered reading in the Smurf
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Munitions Handbook that they operated by sensing how far apart the two legs
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stepping on it wer and how much it weighed in order to determine whether or not
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it was a Smurf. If it was a Smurf that had had the misfortune to step on it it
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was in for a hell of a shock. In fact 225 thousand volts worth of shock.
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Jason planted these in the houses that remained intact or nearly intact and in
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strategic places throughout the village. He got under camoflauge and waited for
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the stupid little schmucks to get what they deserved. It was nearly 12 hours
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before they did but Jason reasoned that seeing the Smurfs going up like fuses
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would make the wait more than worthwhile. A smurf walked into the first house
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he had planted a mine in. A few minutes late it came back out carrying a few
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miscellaneous objects! He decided that it was just a fluke, perhaps a faulty
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mine. But soon it became apparent that none of the mines were going off
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anywhere, even in the most well travelled places. He jumped from out of the
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blind he had been hiding in and roared like a hedge hog out of anger. This time
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the Smurfs had a chance to scatter before he could attack them. He didn't care
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anymore. He had wanted to see the Smurf go up like a fuse just like it said in
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the Smurf Munitions Handbook.
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Jason walked over to one of the houses that had been booby trapped. He looked
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inside. It looked that same as it had when he had planted the mine. He
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kicked the mushroom walls away contemptuously to get a better view of the
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inside.
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Jason stomped his boot onto where the mine was. Nothing happened.
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He grabbed a stick and poked the mine. Nothing happened.
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He took two fingers just like Smurf leg and pushed them down onto the
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mine.
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The last thing that Jason heard before he passed on from this world to the
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next was the Smurfs laughing and chanting 'La la la la la la, la la la la la.'
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A Get Smart Production
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================================================================================
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Last Dimension AE = Sysop: Radioactive Snail = 10 megs = 214-827-5249
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================================================================================
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