100 lines
4.6 KiB
Plaintext
100 lines
4.6 KiB
Plaintext
SPY DUST MOPPED UP
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A Special Report
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In the '70s, there was a special communications shed which purportedly
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switched high-level government voice and data messages located behind a famous
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French restaurant, The Rive Gauche, at Wisconsin Ave. and 'M' Street, in
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Washington, D.C.
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The Soviets -- this was long before they built their new Embassy building
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further up Wisconsin Ave. -- spent huge amounts to perforate the security of
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that installation. Maybe they did. One thing is certain: they sure spent a
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lot of money at Rive Gauche.
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Now we hear that those devilish Soviets have been spraying our personnel in
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Moscow with 'spy dust' so as to better track the movements of certain U.S.
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nationals who, according to the Soviets, are up to no good. This has been going
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on, we hear, since the mid-'70s, which is no surprise at all.
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What our State Dept. has left unsaid is its knowledge of the development and,
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indeed, deployment, of the 'spy dust.'
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It shouldn't surprise anyone that our covert agents and not-so-covert CIA
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types also dined frequently at Rive Gauche. The Maitre D' there made a fortune
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in bribes from each side for information on when whose reservations were for,
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and, what.
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(Well, the Maitre D' was playing the only kind of hardball restaurant people
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know -- customers are patrons and patrons pay for EVERYTHING!)
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Late one evening in 1974, after a lengthy dinner at Rive Gauche, one of our
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CIA folks and his party headed upstairs to the night club above the restaurant,
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'Boccaccio,' to mingle, dance and drink. Naturally, the Soviets in the
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restaurant excused themselves soon thereafter and headed upstairs to check
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things out.
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At Boccaccio, clouds of glitter occasionally rained down from an orifice in
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the ceiling. The glitter sparkled in the spotlights and strobe lights of the
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club, which, in turn, made everyone sparkly. (It was fun, then.)
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Soviet agents would use snooperscopes to follow our people after they left
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Boccaccio. The UV spotlights would cause the glitter to sparkle and, lo, our
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CIA types who had been partying at the club would stand out like beacons in the
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night.
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This circumstance led directly to the development of spy dust.
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But wait! Back to that fateful night! After the CIA folks left the club,
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they headed their separate ways. One of them, a recalled operative known only
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as Skink, noticed a tail and decided to lead a merry chase. As Skink was
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drifting in and out of various Georgetown nightspots, he began to wonder how the
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tail so easily picked him up in a crowded bar, or as he entered another place
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after cutting through alleys and passageways.
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It was that evening the glitter was found out. The supplier of the glitter to
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Boccaccio had discovered a cheaper source for the product. This new source
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turned out to be a Soviet-run operation.
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Skink almost immediately realized how recognizable he was in his dark
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herringbone suit speckled with dayglo glitter.
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Reports -- everything CIA people do is reported, no matter whose time it's on
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-- started to accumulate about how easily our personnel were being tailed.
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And, of course, it was found that the glitter was UV sensitive. Boccaccio
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closed soon afterward, due to a precipitous drop in business.
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But the Soviets were not to be deterred. They never are. They realized that
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they had had a good thing going with the glitter, but they also realized
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that.....'all that glitters is not gold.'
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So, under cover of darkness, Soviet KGB agents sneaked into the kitchens of
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Rive Gauche and began experimenting with spices, reduction glazes and cuisine
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minceur. They did this for weeks -- no wonder the owner-chef went through the
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roof when he saw his gas bills!
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After almost two months, Soviet agents came up with a recipe for what is now
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called spy dust. This is it:
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SPY DUST EN CROQUETTES
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1 Tsp. cumin pdr.
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1 Tsp. pomegranate rind, finely ground
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3 Tsp. stone-ground whole wheat flour
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3 Tsp. roux
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1 oz. petrified Beluga caviar
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NOTE: Do NOT attempt this yourself!
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Combine all ingredients over medium heat and stir until smooth. Increase heat
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until crystallization begins. Add 1 oz. Vodka. Remove from heat and let stand
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until fire burns itself out. Scrape pan thoroughly and mash mixture with mortar
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and pestle. Add 1 lb. inert ingredient, such as sugar, salt or potassium
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chloride.
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VOILA! Spy dust en croquettes!
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The Soviets never bothered to apologize to anyone. Not to Rive Gauche's
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owner-chef, not to the CIA, nor even to Escoffier.
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But, like all great recipes, spy dust had a price for which it could be
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bought.
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