384 lines
20 KiB
Plaintext
384 lines
20 KiB
Plaintext
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.college,soc.college,alt.folklore.urban
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From: thf2@kimbark.uchicago.edu (Ted Frank)
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Subject: alt.folklore.college FAQ, First Anniversary Edition
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Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 16:08:49 GMT
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Last-Modified: 94/3/1
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Version: 1.06C
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1 March 1994
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Official Usenet Alt.Folklore.College Frequently Posted Legends
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This is alt.folklore.college -- the newsgroup where nonsense is revered
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as an artform, and debunking has been taken to new heights. An offshoot
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of alt.folklore.urban, it discusses urban legends (ULs) about college
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life: all those great stories that a "friend of a friend" (FOAF) told
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you about how roommate suicides result in a 4.0 or libraries sinking
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because of the weight of the books.
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In other words, it's a great place to get a reality check on anything that
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"a friend" told you, or to compare notes about odd things.
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A NOTE TO NEW READERS:
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- We encourage you to post any stories you suspect may be an UL. Funny
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or whatever. Details matter! Please try to give as much as possible.
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BUT, be advised that many of the stories in the FAQ have been hashed
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over. If you wish to debate them, be prepared to substantiate your
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claim.
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- alt.folklore.college is for discussions of college folklore. Discussions
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about college life or academics or requests for e-mail addresses are
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better suited for soc.college. Discussions about folklore not related
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to college (such as hemisphereic effects on toilet-flushing or pizza
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delivery boys who soil food) are better suited for alt.folklore.urban
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or, if appropriate, one of the other groups in the alt.folklore.*
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hierarchy, such as alt.folklore.military or alt.folklore.computers.
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And so on.
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The purpose of summarizing these frequently-seen legends is to provide
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a guide to veracity and their experience in this newsgroup. Most ULs
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cannot be traced back to original true incidents, but some, particularly
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the more recent ones can be. There are ULs which may, coincidentally,
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have a true manifestation, but a true manifestation does not deprive a
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UL of its legendary status. However, since many if not most ULs are
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false, where possible, I include a comment referring to a true incident,
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subject to sufficient evidence, of course.
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THE UNOFFICIAL MOTTO OF ALT.FOLKLORE.COLLEGE
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"My apologies for any hot-heatedness. I had just broken up with my
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girlfriend when I posted." -- Jason Munn, 2/27/94
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MEANWHILE, BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM . . .
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I have also begun to collect references to specific volumes of JHB's to
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document various classic ULs. This is a slow and on-going process.
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Acronyms for Jan Harold Brunvand's books in the list below are:
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TVH - _The Vanishing Hitchhiker_
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TMP - _The Mexican Pet_
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TCD - _The Choking Doberman_
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CBA - _Curses! Broiled Again_
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TBT - _The Baby Train_
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Key to one liners below:
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T = 100% scientific truth
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Tb = believed true, but not conclusively proven
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F = 100% falsehood
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Ft = A legend, mostly untrue, but with a true occurence or known origin.
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Fb = believed false, but not conclusively proven
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U = unanswered and may be unanswerable
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P = Maybe it didn't happen, but it's scientifically possible
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(used extremely sparingly, where the opposite is expected,
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as it could apply to just about every legend)
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Please note that as the alt.folklore.college FAQ diverges from the
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alt.folklore.urban FAQ, different FAQs may reach different conclusions.
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================================================================================
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Categories are:
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- Absent-Minded Professors
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- The Facts of [College] Life
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- Sophomoric Shenanigans
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- It's Final
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- Staples
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- Eerie Erections
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================================================================================
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ABSENT-MINDED PROFESSORS
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T. Prof lists famous unsolved problems;student thought it was homework- solved!
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(Student was George Dantzig.) ["The Unsolvable Math Problem" in CBA.]
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T. No such luck with Fermat's Last Theorem.
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F. Princeton students rioted in celebration of the solution to Fermat's Last
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Theorem.
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Fb.Professor jostled; misses watch; grabs back from jostler; later finds at home
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[Variation of "The Jogger's Billfold" in TCD] [Possible source: Jack Lemmon
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in "The Prisoner of Second Avenue"]
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F. All universities have policy of when it's officially okay to leave class
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when professor is late.
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T. At least one university, Tennessee Tech, does have a 15-minute-late-
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okay-to-leave policy.
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Tb.UMass-Amherst professor makes habit of boffing virgins.
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F. Students use Skinnerian methods to train professor to only write on
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small corner of chalkboard. [Dozens of variations.]
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THE FACTS OF COLLEGE LIFE
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F. College roommate commits suicide, gets you an automatic "A" for courses.
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["The Suicide Rule" in CBA.]
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Tb.Many colleges do provide leniency on exams, or allow refunds for roommates,
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but it's usually on a case-by-case basis.
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T. Student gets tuition $ by asking for $0.01 from each person via newspaper.
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[Columnist Bob Greene helped along this Michigan student.]
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T. Students find rolled-up carpet; take and unroll in dorm room to find body.
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[Happened at Columbia; see 1/30/84 NY Times.]
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T. Student dies after getting stuck in Cornell fraternity chimney, 1992-93.
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T. Brown student allergic to peanuts dies from eating at restaurant that
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served chili with secret ingredient of peanut butter.
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Fb.Student kills self during exam by putting 2 pencils in nose and hitting desk.
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F. Girl is alone at home/dorm with dog; sleeps; hears noise and a dripping
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sound; is frightened but reaches to dog and feels a lick; goes back to
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sleep. In morning, finds dog hanged in shower and note under bed which
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says "humans can lick too." ["The Licked Hand" in TCD]
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F. Two co-eds alone in dorm; one goes to study; other in room; roomie hears
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heavy dragging sounds; blocks door; hears scratches; waits til morning;
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opens door to find other co-ed with ax in head who was scratching for help.
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["The Roommate's Death" in TVH and TMP] [Variation: note left behind
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"aren't you glad you didn't open the door?"]
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F. Student raped during the five-minute "scream session" during finals;
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victim's cries drowned out in the cacophony.
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Tb.Dave Barry's friend stabbed himself in the head during a calculus exam with
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a pencil.
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SOPHOMORIC SHENANIGANS
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T. People's lawn gnomes/elves stolen; owners were sent letter/pics from exotic
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locations with the ornament. ["Roaming Gnomes" in CBA]
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Fb.Students buy a barber pole and drive the town. Stopped continually by police.
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F. Radio station welds antenna to railroad tracks, peeves the FCC by
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broadcasting nationwide. [Told about MIT, Tufts, and Swarthmore.]
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T. Caltech students disrupt Rose Bowl in sundry ways.
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T. MITfolk do the same to Harvard-Yale game.
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Tb.Rutgers grad student puts both Caltech and MIT to shame by bombing World
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Trade Center.
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T. Berkeley student suspended for going to classes naked.
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T. MIT students use Smoot to measure bridge.
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F. Mikey (Life cereal) exploded from eating Pop Rocks with soda (You wish!)
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["The Death of Little Mikey" in TCD]
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F. Student is regularly nocturnally chloroformed by roommate, for sodomy.
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Tb.This may have actually happened in the Dutch army. Those officers!
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Tb.Students fake such activity as good prank on passed-out drunk roommate.
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T. Students use variety of methods to make foolproof fake ID's.
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T. Students will admit to any number of felonies when posting to Usenet.
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F. Students play construction workers and police off of each other, each
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thinking the other are pranksters.
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Fb.Schoolkid beheaded by road sign, due to sticking his head out the bus window.
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T. New York car thief stole lab delivery of cadaver heads...
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Fb.Med student discovers cadaver is relative/friend.
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Fb.Med students play joke on tollbooth operator involving cadaver.
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T. Syracuse student steals skull from university archives, roommate reports it.
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U. Wisconsin student castrates, performs other surgery on himself, using
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mirrors to reduce his sex drive.
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F. Marauding gangs drive with lights out, kill those who flash lights at them.
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Tb.Cow-tipping (pushing over a sleeping cow) has happened.
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T. Cows sleep lying down.
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Tb.Cow-tipping is usually just a bunch of hooey to beguile city kids.
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U. The proper amount to tip a cow is 15%, 20% for especially good service.
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U. Purdue students trying to avoid draft *and* Saturday classes sign up
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en masse for class in sheep shearing; university purchases so many
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sheep to meet demand that it won't let anyone drop class.
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IT'S FINAL
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Fb.Student cheats on exam, asks "do you know who I am?",jams paper in exam pile!
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["Bluebook Legends" in TMP]
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Fb.Prof. gives "announced" quiz to surprised class after putting ad in paper.
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Fb.Prof. allows students to "bring in what they can carry for exam"; student
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carrys in a grad student (variation on allowing use of "Feynman").
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Fb.Prof. nails exam thief by cutting bottom 0.5" of exam to find longer answer.
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Fb.Philosophy prof.'s 1 word exam: "Why?" "A" to student who replies "Why not?"
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[Many, many variations, including "What is courage""This", & "What chair?"].
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T. Wise-ass teachers imitate the urban legend and have one-word exams.
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T. Same kind of teacher gives exam with patently bogus directions with last
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instruction being "Ignore all other directions."
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Fb.Low grading prof. grades same exam in successive semesters; gives higher
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grade each time. 4th time around (or so), writes: "Like it more each time".
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Fb.Student submits 20 yr old paper for class; prof. gives "A"; says he always
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liked it but he only got a "B" when he wrote it. [The above 6 Fb's are in
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"College Con Artists and How They Operate" in CBA]
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T. Professors make you erase programmable calculator memory for exams.
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Fb.Professor uses staircase method to grade exams.
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Fb.Ph.D. candidate hides Easter egg in thesis offering bottle of expensive
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scotch to first person to point out that paragraph; gets to drink bottle
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at thesis defense because no one noticed paragraph.
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T. Lots of people have pulled similar stunts involving off-topic paragraphs
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in less important papers.
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T. The first Jewish woman to e-mail me quoting this line gets a free dinner
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date with me at the Frontera Grill on Clark St. in Chicago. She pays
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airfare.
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Tb.Stuffed remains of Jeremy Bentham present at annual meeting.
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F. College requirement of swim test imposed by bereaved benefactor whose
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daughter drowned because she didn't know how to swim. [Told of Columbia,
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Princeton, Carleton, Brandeis.]
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Fb.Squid dissections invariably involve the dissector getting squirted with
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ink by the dissectee.
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STAPLES
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F. One night stand, partner leaves early, other partner finds msg "Welcome to
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the world of AIDS". ["AIDS Mary" in CBA]
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F. Frat holds blood drive. Some grossly high % of frat donors are HIV positive.
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T. There are a remarkable number of unfunny puns on greek-letter societies.
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U. Cockroaches left over from "Creep Show" populate CMU basements.
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F. All fraternity members are rapists.
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T. Towson State study finds fraternities have the highest rape rates on campus.
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T. Athletes are second.
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Tb.It's generally not a good idea to provoke Ted into talking about frats.
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Tb.Geraldo Rivera went to University of Arizona as "Jerry Rivers."
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Fb.Abbie Hoffman was the first Sandwich Man at Brandeis; really used it as
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cover to sell drugs.
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Tb.The Sixties would be a dramatically different decade if not for Jerry Cohen.
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T. There seems to be quite a few university buildings named after Kresge.
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Fb.[Insert name of university here] invited to join Ivy League; turns down
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(or turned down) because of unwillingness to bolster athletic facilities.
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T. It's fairly common to be dissatisfied with one's campus newspaper and SGA.
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Fb.Co-ed loses tampon inside prior to blind date; worried; sees school intern;
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is acutely embarrassed. Her date shows up; it's the intern!
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Fb.Young man buys condom from pharmacist; he's embarrassed so boasts of date.
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He picks her up, pharmacist/dad answers the door! ["The Blind Date" in TMP]
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Fb.Traci Lords enrolled in University of Wisconsin under a secret identity.
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U. A plain-Jane coed invited to special night out by a BMOC. As she gets ready,
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has bad gas from lunch. Date arrives; so plans to fart in car before he gets
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in. She farts and quickly rows down window. Date gets in, says, "I'd like you
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to meet Tom and Mary in the backseat." ["The Fart in the Dark" in TVH.]
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T. Fried lemur is especially good in a mole sauce.
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T. Common UL mills include Dear Abby, Ann Landers, and Paul Harvey.
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T. Cecil Adams singles out Chicago and Brandeis students for their lack of
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sex lives.
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T. Agents of Cecil Adams have an account at Northwestern U.
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T. Nearly every college has statues that do something strange if a virgin
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graduates/walks by.
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Tb.Nearly every college thinks that they're on a Playboy top ten best/worst
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campuses for parties/best-looking coeds.
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Fb.Such-and-such top school (UChicago, Reed, Cornell) has "top suicide rate"
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in nation.
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Tb.No one compiles various schools' suicide rates.
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F. USNWR/Gorman rankings have any scientific basis, rather than being
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ad hoc jumbles of various statistics, reworked yearly to get desired
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results.
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F. UMass/Amherst's anti-discrimination policy protects pedophiles.
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EERIE ERECTIONS
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Tb.Number one cause of student deaths at UMass-Amherst is elevator accidents.
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F. Building is built backwards. Public criticizes; Architect commits suicide.
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Tb.There have been buildings built backwards.
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F. Various university libraries sink; books heavier than architect thought!
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(Can anyone confirm that Oriental Museum at U of C actually had this
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problem, as reported in the _Maroon_?)
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F. Same as above, but pool not library, weight of water, not books.
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Tb.Above happened to Kodak; they use it to develop *big* pictures.
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Ft.Lots of bldgs (malls, etc.) are sinking into the ground as we post!
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[See "Back to the Drawing Board--Some Architectural Legends" in CBA]
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F. Architect student fails final project, becomes rich, donates $ to school
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on condition they use his final project as a blueprint.
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T. Some universities, cities are riddled with semi-secret utility tunnels.
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T. We don't care that you've seen them.
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Fb.University of Chicago and Columbia have radioactive libraries.
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Fb.Campus library named after fabulously rich inventor of mundanity.
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[Variations: Q-Tips, plastic envelope windows, etc.]
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T. University of Chicago dormitory named after W. Judson, who *did* invent
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the zipper! (1/6/94 Chicago Tribune.)
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Fb.Dormitory design at university a modified version of prison.
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SOME REFERENCES:
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Cecil Adams (_The Straight Dope_, 1984, ISBN 0-345-33315-2 and_More of the
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Straight Dope_, 1988, ISBN 0-345-35145-2 both published by Ballantine
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Books). Author of "The Straight Dope" Q&A column of _The Chicago
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Reader_ and is syndicated in many alternative newspapers. Cecil is "a
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National Treasure" who "tells people what they actually want and need
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to know instead of useless rubbish." Regularly plagiarizes the Net
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for his columns: beware of posts from "ezotti."
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Jan Harold Brunvand (_The Vanishing Hitchhiker_, 1981, ISBN 0-393-95169-3;
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_The Choking Doberman_, 1984, ISBN 0-393-30321-7; _The Mexican Pet_, 1986,
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ISBN 0-393-30542-2; _Curses! Broiled Again_, 1989, ISBN 0-393-30711-5,
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_The Study of American Folklore_, 3rd Ed., 1978, all published by W.W.
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Norton). JHB is one of the leading folklorists today and has done much
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to popularize the study of ULs.
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Theodore Frank ("The Economic Interest Test and Collective Action Problems
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in Antitrust Tie-In Cases," _The University of Chicago Law Review_, Spring
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1994.) Actually has nothing to do with urban legends, and anal editors
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replaced all appearances of "lutefisk" with "widgets." But still
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contains the phrase "The _Dick_ Court," and besides, I'm entitled to
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a plug, too.
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Bruce Tindall and Mark Watson (_Did Mohawks Wear Mohawks?_ _And Other
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Wonders, Plunders, and Blunders_, Quill - William and Morrow, 1991.
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ISBN 0-688-09859-2.) S'all right, and only one wrong entry so far.
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But don't believe what they say about dalmatians, humans, and urea.
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You can even e-mail Bruce on the net to blast him.
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Peter van der Linden (_The Official Handbook of Practical Jokes_ Signet,
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ISBN 0-451-15873-3, 1989 and _The Second Official Handbook of Practical
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Jokes_, 1991, Signet, ISBN 0-451-16924-7). Do you want to get the scoop
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on practical jokes that actually have some real world validity rather
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than those by prepubescent college kids on bad banana peels? Try
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checking these two bricks^H^H^H^H^H^H books out. You'll find ULs,
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delightfully bad illustrations, and even practical jokes.
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It's only a coincidence that all of the above-mentioned authors have
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links to the Internet at one time or another.
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===============================================================================
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An urban legend:
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* appears mysteriously and spreads spontaneously in varying forms
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* contains elements of humor or horror (the horror often "punishes"
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someone who flouts society's conventions).
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* makes good storytelling.
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* does NOT have to be false, although most are. ULs often have a basis
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in fact, but it's their life after-the-fact (particularly in reference
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to the second and third points) that gives them particular interest.
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If you enjoy alt.folklore.college, you'll just love alt.folklore.urban.
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===============================================================================
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Unbounded thanks to: Jane Beckman, Steven Bellovin, Conrad Black, Mark Brader,
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Jack Campin, Raymond Chen, Joe Chew, Patrick S Clark, Cathi A.Cook, Cindy
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Davies, Jeff Davis, Scott Deerwester, Larry Doering, all the Terry's: Carroll,
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Chan, Monks, Wood, et al., David Esan, Ted Frank, Greg Franklin, Alan Frisbie,
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Kim Greer, Tom Greer, Dave Gross, Phil Gustafson, Jason R. Heimbaugh, David A.
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Honigs, David B. Horvath, Wendy Foran Howard, Mark Israel, Richard Joltes, Jim
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Jones, Cyndi Kandolf, Phil Kernick, Susan Mudgett, Bill Nelson, Tom Neff,
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Bob O'Brien, Christophe Pettus, Brian Scearce, Sean Smith, Randal Schwartz,
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Ken Shirriff, snopes, Haakon Styri, Bruce Tindall, Dwight Tovey, Peter van
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der Linden, Greg Widdicombe, and Dan Wright.
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alt.folklore.college additions contributed by Terry Chan, Raymond Chen,
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Chip Dunham, Christopher Dunlea, Ted Frank, Ryan Franklin, Phil Gustafson,
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Jason Hanson, Richard Hosker, Eric Jensen, Brian Leibowitz, Michael Reel,
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Sendhil Revuluri, Kivi Shapiro, and Samuel Weiler.
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OTHERS?
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Have you ever wondered how those people have gotten the name at the end
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of the FAQ list? They are people who are widely recognized as thoughtful
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posters of reliable information. They have consistently added value to
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various debates by sharing their point of view, and often researching
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difficult questions which arise on the net, and posting authoritative facts
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citing sources.
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The official way for joining the list of distinguished AFC-ers is to
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take one of these unanswered questions that come now and then, research
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it and reach a definitive conclusion (or demonstrate that one cannot be
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found). Post your findings. If the report is sound, and the original
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question was non-trivial, you will be added to the acknowledgements section
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of the FAQ list! Be prepared to submit references. We are mostly adults
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here (except around the beginning of the academic year). Be prepared to
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discuss and debate your research and conclusions here. The unofficial way
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to get on the list is to give me a big payoff (and it better be more than
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two-fifty).
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Original FAQ list for alt.folklore.urban by Peter van der Linden, Feb., 1991.
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Maintained by Terry Chan for a.f.u. since July 1991.
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Mildly tinkered with in a few trivial ways, PvdL, December 9, 1991
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Masterfully improved formatting courtesy of Tom Neff, December 16, 1991.
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Modified and eviscerated for alt.folklore.college by Ted Frank, March 1, 1993.
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I'm looking for someone to take over the a.f.c FAQ. Write me if interested.
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--
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ted frank | "People who quote my .sig in followups are morons" -- Kibo
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the u of c | beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable,
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law school | beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable,
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kibo#=0.5 | beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable,
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