96 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
96 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
Ü ÜßÝ Ü Ü Ü
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ßÝ ßÝ Ý Ý Ý
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Ý Û Ý Ý Ý
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BLaH Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý
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File ÝßÜ Ý ÜÝ ÝßÝÜÝ Written August 4th, 1992
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#013 Ý Ýig Ýong ÜßÝ Ýnd Ý Ýairy
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Ý Ý Ý Þ Ý Ý Ý
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ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ
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Presents
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Ú ÄÄ ¿
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"How to Commit the Perfect Murder"
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³ by ³
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Constantine
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À ÄÄ Ù
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LEGAL DISCLAIMER:
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Portions of the following text deal with methods of murdering
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Fundementalist Christians. In order to avoid possible legal liability,
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the author wishes to make it known that he IN NO WAY APPROVES of
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Fundementalist Christianity. Thank you.
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So you wanna commit the perfect murder. BLaH is here to help.
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This tfile provides sample methods of killing someone and getting away
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with it, only a small part of our "Torture, Murder and Cannibalism" home
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study course. You can obtain the home study course for only $19.95 per
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installment-- contact your local representative today!
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Now, before you go making grand escape plans and ways to hide
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the body, one simple question must be answered-- who are you going to
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kill? Yes, it's common sense, but the choice of victim can mean the
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difference between a humdrum, boring murder and a satisfying, invigorating
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one (for under 200 calories!).
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If you're like me, you've probably got enemies lined up and out
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the door. This makes the selection of victim rather easy. In case you
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have no enemies and just want to try murder for yourself, why not take
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some of mine? Just contact me at any BLaH outpost for a full list of
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names, addresses, and reasons they should die.
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If you are still undecided, may I suggest Donald Wildmon? Donald
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Wildmon is the head of the American Family Association, a fascist Fundie
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group that supports the banning of just about every television show, book
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and movie in existance because it offends his "Christian" morals (including
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ALF-- no joke!). Wildmon is the guy who got Playboy pulled from 7-11s
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across the country a few years back, and lead part of the drive against
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"The Last Temptation of Christ" (not that he ever SAW the movie). He
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also pulls in millions of dollars in contributions to his various shadow
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corporat-- excuse me, I mean "moral action groups".
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If Donnie-boy is too obscure for you, Jesse Helms and Jimmy Swaggart
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also make great murder victims. Try one today.
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Now that you have a victim chosen, get them alone and KILL THEM.
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This is the "murder" part of "committing a perfect murder". Just take
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a handy blunt object and whack them over the head with it repeatedly.
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Or, for the more adventurous, knives and guns, not to mention the poison
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mucous of the Australian pufferbird, can do the trick. In order to avoid
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being seen, make sure that you are ALONE with the victim before you whack
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them over the head. It may be common sense, but we left that out of the
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first draft of this pamphlet and Erwin Ficklebinder, a young student,
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proceeded to murder his college counselor in the middle of a large shopping
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mall. He was arrested, and massive lawsuits followed from Ficklebinder's
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family.
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Now you're in the "habeas corpus" phase of the operation, a legal
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phrase which means "you have the body". You DO have the body. Hopefully
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in one or several opaque baggies at this point. Get thee to a mortuary.
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At the mortuary, cremate the sucker. You will be left with a
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lot of ashes and a quantity of bone fragments and teeth. Scatter the
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ashes to the four winds. You still have the teeth, which is a problem
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because the boys down in forensics can still identify the victim. C'mon,
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didn't you ever watch "Quincy"?
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Get a large glass of Jolt cola and leave the teeth inside overnight.
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In the morning, they will have dissolved. That's right, your elementary
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school teacher WASN'T lying about that. She was still a bitch, but she
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did tell the truth. Now there are no remains, thus no way to pin the
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non-existant "murder" on you. It has thus become a perfect murder.
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This has just been one way to commit the perfect murder. If you
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decide to order our home study course (see details above), you'll also
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learn the Jeffy Dahmer method of body disposal (and interior decoration),
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the Manson Defense (get some OTHER schmuck to commit the murder), and how
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to talk just like Hannibal Lecter. Order TODAY.
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{---End of File... Safe-T-Nutz v0.90á says "5283 Bytes Total"--------------}
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Ok, fine, so we're releasing 15 tfiles in 3 days.. what's it to you?
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BLaH <sigh>ts.. places you can take our crap and drink it
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Nun-Beaters Anonymous | <708>251-5094 | 110/16.8k
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Hell Bound | <708>965-8965 | 2400/14.4k
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The Insane Asylum | <305>927-3028 | 2400/16.8k
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The Realm of Death | <419>475-3089 | 2400/16.8k
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If it says BLaH, it probably isn't...
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{---Property Line. Git out now...------------------------------------------}
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