120 lines
5.6 KiB
Plaintext
120 lines
5.6 KiB
Plaintext
Ü ÜßÝ Ü Ü Ü
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ßÝ ßÝ Ý Ý Ý
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Ý Û Ý Ý Ý
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BLaH Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý
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File ÝßÜ Ý ÜÝ ÝßÝÜÝ Written August 12th, 1992
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#022 Ý Ýig Ýong ÜßÝ Ýnd Ý Ýairy
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Ý Ý Ý Þ Ý Ý Ý
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ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ
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Presents
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Ú ÄÄ ¿
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"Creative Paranoia"
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³ by ³
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Constantine
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À ÄÄ Ù
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[or]
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[Constantine Shits Out Another File]
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Ever seen a psychotic walking down the street of your neighborhood,
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muttering to himself about the saucer people controlling the New York Stock
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Exchange? Sure you have. And like thousands of others, you've probably
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asked yourself, "Without the use of heavy (and expensive) pharmacuticals,
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how can <I> achieve that state of cosmic awareness?" Now you can.
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Creative paranoia is YOUR path to a brand new worldview. A world-
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view unhampered by such trifles as rationality, logic or common sense. No,
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it's NOT the same thing as Christian Fundementalism. It's much more fun.
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First, test your PP (Paranoia Potential) with this quick quiz:
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#1: Who REALLY controls the country?
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A. George Bush
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B. Jesus
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C. the CIA
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D. the NFL
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#2: What happened in Ohio in 1978?
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A. Nothing much
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B. Even less
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C. Ohio-type stuff
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D. Aliens from the Sirius system landed and replaced every single
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citizen with tall leafy vegetables. Of course, nobody noticed.
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#3: What do you have in your ear?
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A. Eardrum
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B. Earwax
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C. Ear canal
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D. A miniature microphone, planted by CIA agents, that bounces
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your innermost thoughts up to a Canadian satellite.
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#4: What prominant government figure is actually an Illuminati agent?
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A. Illuminiwhat?
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B. Illuminiwho?
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C. I dunno
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D. All of them
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#5: Jerry Lewis is actually...
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A. Satan
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B. Satan
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C. Satan
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D. Satan
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SCORING: Give yourself one point for each "D" answer. If you scored above
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one point, you definitely have Paranoia Potential. Keep reading.
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Now that you have discovered your true potential in this fast-growing
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field, all you need to do is master the three elements of creative paranoia--
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the Look, the Walk and the Talk.
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The Look takes a bit of practice, but is remarkably easy to develop.
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Keeping your head down, jerk your eyes from side to side. Even in
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conversation, never look at the same spot for more than two seconds. Keep
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your eyes REAL WIDE and try not to blink unless you absolutely have to.
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When you do make eye contact with someone, don't stop staring at them until
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they look away.
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The Walk goes with the Look-- head down, shoulders hunched, shuffle
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aimlessly. Keep that head moving. Develop a very large twitch if possible,
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affecting an entire arm or leg. Shudder involuntarily. Do this in front
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of a mirror for a few hours, and you'll be up to Paranoia Par in no time!
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Of course, make sure it's your OWN mirror. Doing this in, say, a shopping
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mall, will only lead to embarrassment as all the real paranoiacs laugh at
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you and make derisive "wanna-be" comments behind your back.
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Finally, the most important part, the Talk. This is the running
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patter that seperates the men from the schitzophrenics. Practice repeating
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this over and over again:
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"Well, you know about the saucer men taking over the Transamerica
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building but I know that that's only because the Rockefellers have 108%
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controlling interest in the Campbell Soup Company-- they bought it up because
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of the Andy Warhol subliminal messages on the labels and did you know he's
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not really dead? And I've got this damn microphone in my ear, they're
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probably after me now, the men in black I mean, because of my knowing about
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Elvis shooting JFK and what-all with the nuclear bomb that was on the
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Titanic, damn Girl Scouts..."
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The pros can do this for hours at a time without repeating
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themselves. It will take time, but after dilligent practice, you too
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will be able to act the part. Now for the final test-- get into your
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grungiest old clothes (for 90210 fans reading this, this may mean getting
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your Gucci shit just the slightest bit dirty), and hit the streets.
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If you see mothers holding their children close, large men crossing
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the street to avoid you, and Scientologists rushing up to ask for advice,
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then congradulations! You're paranoid! You are now well on your way to
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a long, rewarding career as a disturbed vagrant. That's okay, you don't
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have to thank me, I know you're one of THEM anyway...
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{--End Of File.yes, the end.. no more. S-T-Nz v0.95á says "5719 Bytes Total"-}
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This file goes out to those of you who want a dedication from a BLaH file.
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Here's lookin at all two of you!
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BLaH <sigh>ts are..
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Nun-Beaters Anonymous ; <708>251-5094 ; 110/16.8k
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Carbon Nation ; <708>965-8965 ; 9600/16.8k
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The Insane Asylum ; <305>927-3028 ; 2400/16.8k
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The Realm Of Death ; <419>475-3089 ; 2400/16.8k
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Yes, call the BLaH VMB at 1-800-ANY-TIME <hy kim!>
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{---Timberline, the street I used to live on, and the question I missed on--}
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{---the quiz in 7th grade..-------------------------------------------------}
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