292 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
292 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
Ü ÜßÝ Ü Ü Ü
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ßÝ ßÝ Ý Ý Ý
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Ý Û Ý Ý Ý
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BLaH Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý
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File ÝßÜ Ý Ý ÝßÝÜÝ Written Sept. 10th, 1992
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#030 Ý Ýig Ýong Üßß Ýnd Ý Ýairy
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Ý Ý Ý Þ Ý Ý Ý
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ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ
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Presents
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Ú ÄÄ ¿
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"The Search for Hefty Herb, pt.2"
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³ or ³
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"Superman Bites the Dust on November 19th and I'm Dancing in the Street"
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³ by ³
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The Blah News Network
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À ÄÄ Ù
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¿Ä¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
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³ÚÙ ³¿³ ³¿³
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³Ä¿LaH ³À´ews ³À´etwork
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ÙÄÙ Ù Ù Ù Ù
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<James Earl Jones Voiceover>: This... is NMA.
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(Scanner interception from a downtown Chicago phone booth, 7:27 AM, EST.)
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Operator: Hello, this is the operator. May I help you?
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(Warbling tone)
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Operator: Hello? This is the operator.
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(Warbling, slightly higher pitch.)
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Unidentified Male Voice #1: This worked last time!
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Unidentified Male Voice #2: Will you just put a quarter in the damn thing?
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Unidentified Male Voice #3: This is a pay phone, not a fucking 300 baud modem.
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Operator: Hello? Do you need operator assistance?
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Voice #2: Put a quarter in, already.
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(Warbling repeats, much lower pitch.)
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Operator: Is anyone there? Hello? Hello?
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Ladies and gentlemen, they're still out there.
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<James Earl Jones Voiceover>: This... is your father, Luke...
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(It's Hairy String Jive time, the light bulbs on the phallus
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backdrop changed to a festive red-and-green pattern.)
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Hairy: This is Hairy String Jive. Tonight's scheduled guest was Herbert
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"Silly Putty" Ross Perot, who said he would only appear if the public
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demanded it. No one did, so let's talk to Alan Solomon, self-
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proclaimed computer virology expert. Live via sattelite from Sara
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Gordon's bedroom, he joins us. Good evening, Alan.
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Alan: Hello, Hairy. As you know, the computer virus crisis in our country
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is reaching epidemic levels of--
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<Unidentified Female Voice> : Alan honey? Cum back to bed!
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<Muffled Alan> : In a second, Sara..
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Hairy: How do I know that?
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Alan: Because I just told you. Now shut up and listen. The lastest Whale-
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Burger-Pakastani-Manta code variant, known as the Whore! virus, has
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infected millions of computer systems worldwide. It has a megaparser,
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a null-sector slackmeter, and proto-infectorial quasi-integrity compen-
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sator, and a revolutionary deflecting APBS timer!
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Hairy: Whoa! Can I get fries with that?
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(Canned laughter and synthesized drum sting.)
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Alan: I'm talking about the instant obliteration of every computer on
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earth, you schnook! The only hope is to buy revision 4530.32.465.B
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of my antivirus scanner, only $489.99 at software stores everywhere!
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Hairy: But average joes like me can't afford to pay that kind of money
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for a relatively basic utility! What about us?
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Alan: There is a second payment option, in that case.
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Hairy: Yes?
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Alan: Blow me.
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Hairy: Can I get an 8 inch disk of that?
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Alan: Send in your disk format card and take your chances like everybody
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else, pal.
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Hairy: Oh, all right. <Gets on knees behind desk> Will this detect
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VCL code?
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Alan: That's in the NEXT revision. You're lucky I don't send you over to
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McAfee-- THEY charge you "up the ass".
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(Slurping noises from behind desk.)
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<James Earl Jones Voiceover> : Your training will be com-plete..
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...We're back with BNN Headline News. First on our list of top stories,
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the clueless BLaH expedition continues to hurtle toward certain doom. Also
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in the news, Chicagoland fast food restaraunts have reported a puzzling
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epidemic of ransacked dining areas and assaulted patrons. We go live with
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Arthur Kent, covering the situation with typically melodramatic flair.
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Kent: I'm at a regional Burger King, and the scene is pandemonium. I have
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not seen chaos and human suffering of this magnitude since my wartime
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days. It looks as though a scud missile ripped through the--
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Anchorman: Cut the crap, Arthur. Your image was shot the second you
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chickened out on going to Bosnia.
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Kent: Right. Sorry. I'm here with Mrs. Frannie Hocksteader, a survivor
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of this terrible incident, as well as being one of the whitest women
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on earth. Mrs. Hocksteader, what did you see?
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Frannie: It was HORRIBLE! There was this... This colored man... Not
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that I'm prejudiced... And he was HUGE! And he was CHANTING!
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It was HORRIBLE!
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Kent: Can you remember what he said to you?
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Frannie: It was something like, "I'm everyone's favorite stereotype/ I'm big,
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I'm bad, and I believe that hype/ Gotta take a minute off and revel
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in my race/ Outta my way, I gotta stuff my face." Then he
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took my BURGER! And when I complained, he called me a HO!
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Kent: Don't cry, Mrs. Hocksteader.
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Frannie: Something should be DONE about these people! What ever happened
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to Tipper Gore and those nice censorship supplements stickers?
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<James Earl Jones Voiceover>: Do you not have sex with your bathers? I know
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that >I< do...
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NEWS FLASH!! This just in! The BLaH team has finally reported
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in with a status update! We're going live to the phone, to speak with
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mission leader Guido Sanchez!
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<picture of Guido Sanchez, an italian/mexican looking man clothed in
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purest black with some sort of insignia on the lapel and holding a cane,
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in the foreground of a map of chicagoland>
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Anchor: Guido? Are you there?
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Guido: We're fine. The mission is proceeding according to plan, more
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or less. We're out of drinks and fritos, though.
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Anchor: Why the long delay?
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Guido: Well, we lost the number to BNN HQ in Mentally..
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Anchor: And how did you get it back?
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Guido: Well, Nowhere Man programmed this nifty little IDE interface to
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Van Eck local TVs watching BNN and get the number off of the TV
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screen. It did the job, but Alan Solomon and David Stang mercilessly
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ridiculed it as being "too buggy". After van ecking that HS Live
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preview, though, I thing he meant too buggery...
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Anchor: Have you acquired your target?
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Guido: The target right now is a working bathroom. There don't seem to
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be any in Chicago, but we're still--
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Anchor: Where are you now?
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Guido: We're parked at a gas station somewhere out in the suburbs. I feel
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confident that we... Um...
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Anchor: Guido? Are you there?
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Guido: Is that... It can't be... But it is!
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Anchor: Guido! Whatever is the matter?
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Guido: Holy shit! NUNS!!! <click>
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Anchor: Well, we seem to have lost our voice feed from the BLaH Team.. and
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we're now going to talk instead to BLaH member Phritz, who seems to
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have been forgotten in the writing of this saga. Phritz, are you
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there?
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<'LIVE VIA SATELITE FROM Clergyland' logo on screen>
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Phritz: Yes, I'm here.
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Anchor: So, what will happen to the BLaH party as of now..
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Phritz: Well, as outlined in my book "Hostage-Clergy, Clergy-Hostage : A
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Study in Terrorism", Gweed and the guys will be running for their
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lives for a while, eventually get tired down by the nuns' endless
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energy and spunk, and then get whacked to death with rulers.
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Anchor: So there is no hope for them at all?
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Phritz: Well, seeing as the BLaHmobile original is out of the shop, I've
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decided to hunt them down, following the trail of pagan idols that
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Constantine left "just in case"... That and the help of renoun
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psychic Lady CatNinja will help us recreate the events taken place
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and eventually catch up to the boys.
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Anchor: Fascinating.. just one question..
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Phritz: What's that?
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Anchor: Well, if Gweed, Connie, Chess, and NMan are lost.. and Connie and
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Gweed are supposedly writing this entire saga, doesn't that give
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away the ending? That they will be safe?
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Phritz: Well, that's what's known as the "Cheesy Movie" syndrome. That is
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to start a movie with a man telling a story, have him reflect on the
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events in which his life was endangered, and expect the audience to
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suspect his life is in danger. Or maybe we're giving the reader too
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much credit.
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Anchor: I've no idea, as I'm merely a figment of Gweed's imagination just like
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Herb... like Herb.. if I could be like Herb, like Herb, like Herb,
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like Herb..
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Phritz: What the hell?
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<Anchor gets up and leaves studio. BNN video and audio is cut>
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Guido Sanchez:
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Howdy all, it's me.. well, here's an interesting turn of events.. I don't
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know if it's writer's block or WHAT, but every literary device and fake
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character I and other BLaH members have made have deserted our minds. This
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is a queer turn of events indeed, open to several philosophical interpretations
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but there's no time for that now. If you see ANY of them, recognizeable by
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their BLaH Holding Cell t-shirts which have a logo on the back of the shirt
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that says "JUST DO ME", PLEASE rape the character and then kill them. Don't
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worry, they're just figments of our collective imagination, they won't fight
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and will probably enjoy it. Just put a stop to this absurdity for once and for
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all. Thank you for your support. In the interim, BNN-2, BLaH News Network-2,
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has been created and is staffed by REAL LIVE BLaH members and fans. This should
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prevent any further development of the situation. We're depending on YOU now
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to rid the world of these evil wily figments.. beware, some of them may have
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read this tfile and switched shirts.. but the catch is, their skin is used to
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that shirt, so the only other shirt they can wear is Raiders paraphenalia. If
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you see any person wearing a Raiders cap, jacket, shirt, shoes, or briefs,
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treat them as a figment as no one in their right mind would wear those clothes,
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scream "Death to Crips" and gun them down. Thank you, and good night.
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<Nowhere Man's Voiceover> : This.. is BNN-2.
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Constantine:
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Well, it seems I'm the announcer now.. <ahem>..
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Will the BLaH team escape the clutches of the Hit Nuns? Will a boycott
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be formed on BLaH WaReZ because of the rape reference in Guido's above
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diatribE? Will Hefty Herb ever be captured? What about the rest of the
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original BNN? Will James Earl Jones get a better voiceover part? Will anyone
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introduce the "Beverly Hills, 90210" to euthanasia? Will I ever stop asking
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rhetorical questions?
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For the answers to these humdrum conundrums, tune for the next
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episode: "Now THAT'S Ultraviolence!".
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{---End of File... Safe-T-Clergy says "11984 Bytes Total"-------------------}
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ooh.. toon in neckst tyme, d00d... kewl!
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BLaH <sigh>ts
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Nun-Beaters Anonymous <708>251-5094 Clergyland USA
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Carbon Nation <708>965-8965 Illinois
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The Insane Asylum <305>927-3028 Florida
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The Realm of Death <419>475-3089 Ohio
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Brain Damage <819>778-0454 Canada
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File dedicated to a certain 'young' kayaking fed... soloflexes for all!
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{---DD7 Line, liquid seeps into your lungs, your eyes look so serene..-----}
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