108 lines
5.8 KiB
Plaintext
108 lines
5.8 KiB
Plaintext
Ü ÜßÝ Ü Ü Ü
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ßÝ ßÝ Ý Ý Ý
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Ý Û Ý Ý Ý
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BLaH Ý ß Ý ÜßÜ Ý Ý
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File ÝßÜ Ý Ý ÝßÝÜÝ Written Oct. 1st, 1992
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#033 Ý Ýig Ýong Üßß Ýnd Ý Ýairy
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Ý Ý Ý Þ Ý Ý Ý
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ÝÜß ÝÜÜÝ ßÜÜßÞ ÜÝ ÞÜ
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Presents
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Ú ÄÄ ¿
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"Freeze! Mall Vice!"
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³ by ³
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Constantine
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À ÄÄ
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"Hey, hey, we're the Lemmings,
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Animals born to die."
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--John Velousis, "The Lemmings"
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Most of you have heard of the tragic events that befell the innocent
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hacker/shoppers at this year's Summercon-- they were driven from the sacred
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confines by a swarm of security goons, who set upon them because they dared
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to violate a Mall Commandment concerning "wearing clothing (in this case,
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hats) in the manner it is meant to be worn".
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BLaH scientists are currently trying to find a creature more pathetic
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and useless than the mall security guard. They're still looking.
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After all, these are people, generally way too overweight and out
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of shape to have a REAL police or security job, charged with the task of
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"protecting" a rather repulsive institution. These are men who dreamed of
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being supercops and saving the world. Now, they spend their days warning
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Muffy and Buffy not to drink out of the toilets and chasing six-year-old
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skateboarders away from the handicapped ramps.
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Are they pissed? You betcha.
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They seem to hate anyone with a brighter future than themselves,
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that is, most people. Teenagers are rarely aware of their legal rights,
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making them easy prey for Schnooks In Uniform.
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Will they harass you? You betcha.
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Fortunately, as an undergrounder (and hopefully a supporter of
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Social Violence), you are smarter than 99.8% of the average zombies shuffling
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around any given shopping mall. You have resources available to you that
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the enemy does not, namely more than two brain cells to rub together and
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a wide sociopathic streak. That's all you need.
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So you and your droogs are hanging about in your local mall,
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viddying the malachicks when Officer Krupke [always patronize them, raising
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their self esteem just a tad by calling them 'officer' the way they've always
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dreamed of.. ahh.. 'youngsters calling ME 'officer'? It's like a choclately
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dream come true!'] waddles up and threatens to eject you for violating
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Commandment 26, "Thou shalt not stand in one place for more than five minutes".
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As obeying him is NOT an option for those who value self-dignity, there are a
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few useful techniques you can use to turn the tables...
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-+LEGAL BULLSHIT
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"I'm sorry, sir, but Illinois state regulation 11-42-69 clearly
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denotes such rules as unconstitutional and unenforceable."
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This rarely works, but it's a hell of a lot of fun if you can
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keep a straight face. Make sure to use lots of long words and legalese;
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it doesn't have to make sense, because your average mallcop knows next
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to nothing about real law.
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You will probably be thrown out anyway, but at least you get a
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few minutes of utterly destroying your attacker's self-esteem (which
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wasn't all that hot to begin with).
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-+MISDIRECTION
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"Maybe you should be more concerned with those two guys shoving
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CDs down their pants in Overpriced Records."
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While the vigilant security guard performs a body cavity search
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on the unfortunate scum you singled out, you move to another part of the
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mall. This works ONCE. After that, shift to tactic #3:
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-+CONFUSION
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"Can you PROVE we're wearing hats?"
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Render the guard speechless with spurious logic, providing serious
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laughs until he tosses you out on your ass. Some useful lines include:
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"This is a designer hat from Pakistan-- it IS meant to be worn
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backwards."
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"Yes, but I don't see what this has to do with the hemmorhoid
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epidemic."
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"I wore it to get your attention, officer. You see, I've loved
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you for so long..."
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["Well, according to Descartes, nothing is really certain because we
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cannot trust the senses. The only thing we can trust that exists is thought.
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We think, therefore we are. Unfortunately, dear sir, you don't exist. Neither
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does this thing that a non-existent being calls a 'hat'. And since you don't
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exist, that jump from the top flight of stairs won't hurt you at all..."]
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As you can see, when dealing with turnip-brains, it's hard to lose.
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Just keep your wits about you and let THEM provide the laughs. After all,
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if you're going to get thrown out anyway, you might as well go in style.
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{---End of File.. Safe-T-ShumbDit says "5922" Bytes Total------------------}
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yummy.. this file goes out to aristotle, who still refuses to acknowledge
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Connie's existence ;). And yes, all of this shit starting with the End of File
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line and all of the shit in brackets is added by me.. gweed... no censorship
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here, my good [fnord]s!
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708-251-5094 Nun-Beaters Anonymous - BLaH WHQ [IL]
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708-965-8965 Carbon Nation [IL]
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305-927-3028 The Insane Asylum [FL]
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419-475-3089 The Realm Of Death [OH]
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819-778-0454 Brain Damage [QC]
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{---Colombus Day is coming! Be on the look for BLaH's Tribute to The-------}
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{---original Nazi, Chrissy Poo Colombus!-----------------------------------} |