278 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
278 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
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T ||==\\ || || ||==\\ ||==|| || || B L E N D E R C O R P O R A T I O N
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|| || || || || || || \\ // ------------------------------------
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H || || || || ||==// ||=|| >|< >>> Presents <<<
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|| || || || || \\ || // \\ BK-LEM .DBC
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E ||==// \\==// || \\ ||==|| || || #023-TE02 -- [05/17/92]
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______________________________________________________________________________
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The Eternally Happy One,
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Most Holy Scribe to The Church of Egg
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- and -
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The Eleventh New Reformed Orthodox Neo Neuro-Gnostic Monoversalist Cabal of
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Sacred Household Appliances and Retrosapient Thinking
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Present the Wisdom of the Ages
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[One-True-Religion #133]
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The Gospel According to Lem
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[....... The Book Of ......]
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[ ]
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[ EEEEEE GGGGG GGGGG ]
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[ EE GG GG ]
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[ EEEEE GG GGG GG GGG ]
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[ EE GG GG GG GG ]
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[ EEEEEE GGGGG GGGGG ]
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[..........................]
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_____________________________________________________________________________
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In the beginning, before time and light and digital watches, Egg was all,
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and that was good. Egg ruled the darkness, in which there existed a hole. Egg
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opened the hole, and out sprung a beautiful world of darkness and mystery.
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Egg fashioned the world into a sphere and set forth to populate the sphere
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with a multitude of life. Egg made moles and rabbits and newts, birds,
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turtles, cows, and lemmings, turkeys, bears, deer, and house cats, men,
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asses, oxen, moose, mice, and women, horses, whales, sharks, fish, and many,
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many more. Egg covered the dark world with lush vegetation and vast, navy
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blue oceans. The world was beautiful. Egg molded mountains and valleys and
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made vast plains of grass for her animals to frolic in. As a final touch, Egg
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created eggs in her own image. The eggs had chickens, and the chickens had
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eggs, in a never-ending cycle. And that was good.
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[Note: The long sought-after answer to the deep, theological question:
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"Which came first the chicken or the egg?" Here it is clearly illustrated
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that eggs, made in Egg's own image, came first.]
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But from that hole, one day poured forth all sorts of bright, glowing
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objects, such as stars, moons and gooseneck lamps. Gomez, the source of all
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evil, came next, bringing with him light, spandex, smurfs, day-glo and evil.
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Gomez beguiled the populace into believing that light was good. [Note: This
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was bad.] Men made fire, and oil lamps, and eventually, light bulbs. That's
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when they whole world went to pot. The darkness, scorned by all, dwelt in
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fear of the minions of light, sheltered deep within the chambers of its once
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dark and beautiful world. The smurfs sought to destroy the dark, but it hid.
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The darkness feared the light; and Age upon age, lived in torment, hunted by
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the spandex-sporting smurfs.
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One day, Egg grew quite angry ay all this, seeing her lovely darkplanet
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covered with skyscrapers, amusement parks, and Taco Bells. Egg looked down
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from on high, and spoke unto the dark, "Darkness, take back what was once
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thine. And for Pete's sake, shut up those damned smurfs! I will send you a
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savior, to help your quest. Listen to her for she is my anointed."
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_____________________________________________________________________________
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-----------------------------------------------
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<<<***>>> THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO LEM <<<***>>>
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-----------------------------------------------
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----------- <*> I - The Infancy Narrative <*> -----------
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Geneology of the Anti-Egg
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Amnion became the father of Leonidas, Leonidas became the father of
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Jhebbubub, Jhebbub the father of Ezekial, Ezekial the father of Jamiel and
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his brothers. Jamiel became the father of Aldehydes and Zarron. Aldehydes
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became the father of Rayon, Rayon the father of Lycra, Lycra the father of
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Spandex. Spandex the father of Nixon, Nixon the father of Jehova, Jehova the
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father of Humd, whose gay lover's dog was Boaz. Humd became the father of
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Gram, whose mother was Ruth. Gram became the father of Rye, Rye the father of
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Ham, the king.
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Ham became the father of Cation, Cation the father of Rhetoric, whose
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second wife's third husband's fifth cousin's (twice removed) niece (the one
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with the hook nose) had been the landlady for Urea. Rhetoric became the
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father of Abijah, Abijah the father of Ogden. Ogden became the father of
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Jehosaphet, Jehosaphet the father of Jetsam, Jetsam the father of Flotsam.
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Flotsam became the father of Amminadab and his brothers, at the time of The
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Second Great Egg Massacre.
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After the massacres, Amminadab became the father of Borax, Borax the
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father of Clorox, Clorox the father of Ghak. Ghak became the father of
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Elmadabob, Elmadabob the father of Tamar, Tamar the father of Gillette.
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Gillette became the father of kodak, Kodak the father of Zadox, Zadox the
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father of Me�slix. Me�slix became the father of Feud, Feud the father of
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Rehoboam, Rehoboam the father of Hezekiah, Hezekiah the father of Eliud, the
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second cousin of Olga, the half sister and wife of Le Butt. Of him was born
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the Anti-Egg.
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The Birth of the Anti-Egg
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Now this is how the birth of the Anti-Egg came about. Le Butt, a lowly
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poultry farmer who lived by means of his scrawny chickens, was chosen by Egg
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to bear the Anti-Egg. Egg sent an angel, Sibodeff, down unto Le Butt, and the
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ange spoketh, "The wise and all-knowing Egg has chosen you to be her
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messenger. Will thou bring forth the Anti-Egg and faithfully bear the message
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of Egg?"
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Le Butt promptly prostrated himself at Sibodeff's feet, crying "Oh
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messenger of Egg, I am a filthy sinner, a lowly, dirty minion of the light!
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Have mercy! I am not worthy!" But Sibodeff spoke, "Thou art worthy. Hast not
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the Egg chosen thee to be the messenger?"
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The Holy pact was made, and miraculously, Le Butt conceived a child. Le
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Butt's village, Sinew, was in an uproar. The citizens were astonished that Le
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Butt was with child, but being stupid, it wasn't because he was a man. They
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overlooked the obvious and were disgusted that Le Butt was not married. Le
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Butt promptly married Olga, his half sister, to please his village.
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It happened that thst year was the year of the great poll. Olga and Le
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butt, heavy with child, journeyed to the city of Blachama, some two hundred
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miles from Sinew. Along the way, Olga became leprous. When the couple
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arrivedin Blachama, they begged for a room in several inns, but were cast out
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into the cold by the proprietors. Le Butt was finally granted lodging in the
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outhouse of a small inn, but Olga was forbidden to set foot on the premises.
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Olga fled for Pallakah, a city on the Nile, explaining to Le Butt that she
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could not endanger his life any further, for she was leprous. It turned out
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that Olga was faking her leprosy all along, and ran off to life with her gay
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lover, Melenia, in Egypt.
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That night alone in the cold, dark outhouse, Le Butt bore the Anti-Egg.
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The songs of angels rose like a chill wind above the counryside. The blessed
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Anti-Egg lay in swaddling upon the outhouse floor, until some lost kings in a
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drunked stupor stumbled into the outhouse and vomited all over Le Butt and
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the Anti-Egg. The most sober of the three companions begged apologies for his
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drunken comrades, and after throwing up once more, he offered Le Butt some
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incense and two gold pieces to compensate for Le Butt's ruined clothes.
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----------- <*> II - Proclamation of the Egg <*> -----------
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The Temptation of the Anti-Egg
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The Anti-Egg was led by the spirit into thr desert, to be tempted by
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Gomez. The Anti-Egg rested quietly in the shade of a tall cactus. After
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several days, Gomez, in the form of a coyote, trottedup to her. Gomez spoke,
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"See, Anti-Egg,it would be quite easy for me to lift my leg and pour hot piss
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all over you. If you are the anointed of Egg, save yourself." She said in
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reply, "It is written:
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One may live throught an attack of locusts,
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Or survive a beating with a club,
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If one wears a bullet-proof vest.
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Piss is trivial."
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With that , Gomez pissed on the Anti-Egg, and trotted away. The next
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day, Gomez flew down to the Anti-Egg in the form of a crow. He grasped the
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Anti-Egg in his claws and flew above the mighty cities of the world. He said,
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"See how the world swarms with those vile creatures, the Smurfs? If you are
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truly the anointed of Egg, why can you not make them go away?" The Anti-Egg
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said simply in her infinite wisdom, "Piss-off, Gomez." With that, Gomez
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dropped the Anti-Egg back into the desert.
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On the last day, Gomez cam in his natural form, that of a hairy, fat,
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skulky Headmaster with a square head. He said, "Anti-Egg, you have not
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succumbed to my temptations. Let me make a business proposition. I run a
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small spandex production factory outside of Blachema. I'm looking for a
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partner. It's quite lucrative, because there are millions of people who, for
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some bizarre reason, want to buy day-glo spandex! What do you say?" At this,
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the Anti-Egg said to him, "Get away from me, Gomez! It is written:
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Thou shalt not wear spandex,
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nor day-glo, for this is
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the ultimate sin."
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Then, Gomez left her, and the Anti-Egg left the desert.
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The Call For the First Disciples
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As the Anti-Egg went by a lamp factory in Chesadea, she saw two brothers,
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Lem and Swell, slaving over a large, neon green gooseneck lamp in a brightly
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lit room. They were nearly blind due to the extreme brightness of the
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factory's lighting and test area. The Anti-Egg said to them, "Come after me,
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and I will give you darkness." At once they left their lamps and followed
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her.
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Their eyes were instantly repaired to 20/20 vision. The three went along
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from there and saw two other brothers, Colau and Puce, and their friends,
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Schlockenhoffenstein (and Sam) wearing brightly colored spandex biking
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shorts. The anti-egg called them, and immediately they left their spandex
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and followed her.
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Ministering to a Great Multitude
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The Anti-Egg went around all of Chesadea, teaching the people and
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proclaiming the word of Egg. Her fame spread to all who were sick and wracked
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with pain, and all those who were possessed or lunatics. Great crowds of
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psychotic idiots followed her.
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The Light of the Body
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"It is said that the Lamp of the body is the eye. If that is so, then
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gouge out your eyes because light is evil."
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Egg and Money
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"Do not give me your money. I am the anointed of Egg. Why on Earth would
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I need money? Instead, use this money to buy me Hostess(TM) Cupcakes and
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Twinkies."
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Eggs and Swine
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"Do not give what is holy to dogs, or throw your eggs before swine, lest
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the eggs devour your swine and leave you destitute and swineless."
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False Prophets
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"Beware of false prophets, who come to you in spandex. By their shorts
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you will know them. Do intelligent people wear spandex? Just so, every good
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prophet wears good shorts, and a rotten prophet wears bad spandex. A good
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prophet cannot wear spandex, nor can a rotten prophet wear good shorts. Every
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prophet that does not wear good shorts will be chopped up into little White
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Castle hamburgers and be thrown into the fire. So by their shorts will you
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know them."
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----------- <*> III - Ministry in Chesadea <*> -----------
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The Healing of the Lepadiam Demoniacs
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When the Anti-Egg went through the gardens of Lepadiam, two demoniacs who
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were coming from the tombs met her. They were so savage, and wore neon pink
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spandex biking shorts, that no one could travel by road. They cried out,
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"What have you to do with us, Anti-Egg? Do you wish to make fun of our
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shorts?" The Anti-Egg cried out, "Gomez, leave these poor souls! And take
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your spandex!" With that, the demons left, and the two men quickly removed
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the spandex shorts, and threw them into the ocean.
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The Healing of a Boy with a Demon
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When the Anti-Egg and her disciples came to a crowd, a man approached and
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said, "Oh Anti-Egg, have pity on my son, for he is a lunatic. He often falls
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into fires, or water." The Anti-Egg said, "Pull aside his coat." The man did
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this, revealing the boy's pair of purple spandex shorts. "Take those off!"
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The Anti-Egg commanded. The man did this. "Gomez, leave this boy!" The
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Anti-Egg demanded, and the demons fled.
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Bachareus the Spandex-Maker
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The Anti-Egg came to Jericho and hoped to pass through the town. Now a
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man named Bachareus, who was the Captain of the Spandex Guild, came to her.
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The Anti-Egg said "Come, Bachareus. I am to stay at your house." Bachareus
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was exalted, but the followers of the Anti-Egg were wary. "She is going to
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stay in the house of an evil-doer!"
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But Bachareus said, "Behold, I will cast out my spandex! I will leave the
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company and begin a worthy trade. I hear the Taco Bell is hiring." And the
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Anti-Egg said, "Today your soul is saved, for in denouncing spandex, you
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denounced Gomez. Never again shall you feel the urge to wear day-glo."
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----------- <*> IV - The Mission of the Six <*> -----------
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The Anti-Egg summoned her six disciples and gave them authority over
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unclean spandex, and the power to drive out Gomez. The names of the disciples
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are these: Lem and Swell, sons of Melidas, Colau and Puce,
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Schlockenhoffenstein (and Sam)
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She went out to the six after instructing them thusly, "Do not go into
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pagan territory or enter a spandex factory. Go rather to the lost chicks of
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the house of Egg. As you go, make this proclamation: 'The kingdom of Egg is
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at hand. ' Cleanse unclean shorts and dispel Gomez. Without cost you have
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received, without cost you are to give. Do not take gold or silver or copper
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-- Instead, ask for a ritual sacrifice of foods high in saturated fats.
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Whatever village you enter, look for a worthy home and stay there until you
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leave. Whoever denies the word of Egg will not receive you -- Go outside and
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curse their souls to Hell. Burn their houses and move on.
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______________________________________________________________________________
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(C)1992 by The Durex Blender Corporation & The Eternally Happy One
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All Rights and no Lefts will cause a seriously messed up traffic jam.
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*** Spread the word of Turnex, the Blender for the Next Millenium. ***
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*** Spread the Word of the Anti-Egg ***
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The Durex Blender Corporation : Boston (617) 696-8156 - 24oo/8N1 - 24 hours
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