249 lines
7.0 KiB
Plaintext
249 lines
7.0 KiB
Plaintext
DDDDD FFFFFFFFF SSSSSS
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D D FF S
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D D FFFFF S
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D D FF SSSSSS
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D D FF S
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DDDDD FFFF SSSSSSS
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(ASCii By AD!)
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Damned Fucking Shit
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Editor: Access Denied
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Issue #40
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Title: 101 Uses For a Shi-Tsu
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Date: 9/15/94
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By: Ares
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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/ O \ uSeS FoR a SHi-TSu
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1-Play football with it.
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2-Put in a jar in case of a nuclear fallout.
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3-Use it as a koosh ball.
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4-Shove a pole up its ass and dust your celing with it.
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5-Take the pole out and dust your keyboard with it.
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6-Soak it in drayno and flush it down the toilet to clean out the pipes.
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7-Paint it blue and give it to small children telling them it's hairy smurf.
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8-Throw it at a fan to redecorate your walls.
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9-See how long it lasts as a fan belt.
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10-Feed it nitro glycerine and teach it to jump up and down.
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11-Feed it nitro glycerine and give it to a jumpy person.
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12-Put it in a microwave wrapped in tin foil.
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13-Staple its head to a Treasure Troll body and market it.
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14-Mount its head on your wall and say, "well, I was AIMING for the deer..."
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15-Watch a cat kick its ass.
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16-Feed it LSD and see if it jumps out a window.
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17-Name it killer.
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18-Name it Foofie and teach it to nibble at the toes of intruders.
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19-Shove a phone line in its ass and call someone.
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20-Feed it C-4 and teach it to nibble on electrical cords.
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21-Give it to your mother for her birthday and say it's a German loofa sponge.
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22-Give it to your father and say it's a hairpiece.
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23-Wash your car with it.
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24-Test your new flame thrower on it.
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25-Sue it for sexual harrasment.
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26-Tell it it's your hero, and it's everything you wish you could be.
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27-Shove a bottle rocket up its ass and see how far it flies.
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28-Get it drunk and make it drive home.
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29-Put it in a porn movie with a doberman. (youch!)
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30-Put a bunch of 'em in a line and call it a speed bump.
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31-Give it to Dahmer and see what happens.
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32-They make attractive door stops...
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33-Use it for a target on a dart board.
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34-Hold it under water to see how long it can hold its breath.
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35-Teach it to bite heads off of pigeons and name it Ozzy.
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36-Throw a tennis ball into a hydraulic press and watch it go in after it.
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37-Practice your drive with it.
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38-Force Spam, Jello, and Vaseline down its throat.
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39-They make good cannon shot...
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40-Crucify it.
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41-Shove a top up its ass, spin it around and say its a midget Tazmanian Devil.
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42-Cut it up and slip some into your mom's potpourri pot.
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43-Scrub your toilet with it.
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44-Throw it at your radio to change the channel.
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45-Use it as a paintbrush.
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46-Kill a bunch of them, put them on your floor and say it's shag carpet.
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47-Laugh at it.
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48-Nail it to your door on Halloween so the children will go away.
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49-Wrap it around your wrist and say you put hair tonic on your watch.
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50-Hold it under a magnifying glass on a sunny day.
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51-Record its barking as new age music.
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52-Replace your grandparent's "Depends" with it.
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53-Replace your own "Depends" with it.
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54-Dip it in paint and throw it at people saying it's a new game.
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55-Contact Satan with it.
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56-Put it in a tape drive and see how many DFS magazines will fit on it.
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57-Skin it and make an attractive toaster cover.
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58-Put it in your Nintendo and game with it.
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59-Plug its ears into a wall socket.
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60-Stuff it into your VCR and press PLAY.
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61-Stuff it into your tape/CD player and press PLAY.
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62-Tie it to the ground and drop big concrete slabs on it.
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63-Get three of them and juggle.
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64-Nail it's head over Vic's on a Megadeth poster.
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65-Smoke a cigarette with it.
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66-Smoke tea with it.
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67-Smoke IT.
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68-Dress it up in skimpy leather and see if it'll pass for Lita Ford.
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69-Give it a bunch of plastic surgery and see if it'll pass for Micheal Jackson
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.
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70-Teach it how to blow a dog whistle and drive itself insane.
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71-Bolt wheels to it and go skateboarding.
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72-Get it pissed so you can laugh at it when it growls.
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73-Strap it to your feet and go skiing, yelling shit as you fly down the hill.
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74-Throw it off a tall building and see if it hits a cop.
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75-Throw it at a wall of spikes.
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76-Dress it up and call it... "Spuds McKenzie... The Yuppie Generation"
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77-Feed it dynamite and teach it to play with matches.
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78-Grind it up and sell it in a health food store.
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79-Dress it up and don't take it out.
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80-Teach it to press down on a gas pedal and put it in someone's running car.
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81-Put it in a freezer so it dosen't spoil.
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82-Make fuzzy earmufs out of it.
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83-Shave it bald and say it's a big newt.
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84-Accidently leave it in your locker over the summer.
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85-Replace your mom's powder ball with it.
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86-Stuff it in your armpit to absorb sweat.
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87-Leave your life savings to it.
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88-Blame your H/P/A/V/C doings on it.
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89-Eat it alive and barf all over everyone.
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90-Feed it to a REAL dog.
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91-Polish your shoes with it.
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92-Feed it to a venus fly trap.
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93-Make gourmet beef jerky out of it.
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94-Cover it with maggots and throw it at a huge flock of birds.
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95-Name it as the mascot for a midget yuppie baseball team.
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96-Name it Tatoo and teach it to say "de plane, boss... de plane!!!"
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97-Use it as a hockey puck.
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98-Put it in the middle of the ocean and see how far it swims before it drowns.
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99-Teach it to be a sheepdog and watch it get trampled.
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100-Write a "101 uses" text file about it.
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101-BUUUUURN!!!!! MUUUAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!
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list created by *-=ArEs=-* for DFS, inc.
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Find DFS On These Fine Systems
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==========================================================================
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| Paradise Lost +1.414.476.3181 DFS World HQ |
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| Temporary Insanity +1.414.666.WHEE DFS Affiliate HQ |
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| Arcane Asylum +1.414.PSY.CHOS DFS Thingy HQ |
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| Plan 9 Information Archives +1.716.881.FONE (3663) DFS Southern HQ |
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| Arrested Development +31.77.547477 DFS European HQ |
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| Under World Element +1.203.740.9571 DFS Eastern HQ |
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| 7th Heaven +1.216.464.6789 DFS Ohio HQ |
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| Lucifer's Exile +1.513.459.1278 DFS Midwest HQ |
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| Twilight Of The Idols +1.613.226.3386 DFS Canada HQ |
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| AE - Plan 9 Information Archives - Login: DFS |
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| FTP - etext.archive.umich.edu - /pub/Zines/DFS |
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| To submit, call Paradise Lost and log on as DFS. The password is: |
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| JINGLE JINGLE |
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==========================================================================
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