167 lines
9.4 KiB
Plaintext
167 lines
9.4 KiB
Plaintext
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ ////////////////////////////////
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ ////////////////////////////////
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\' //////////////// .ao0.//////////
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\\\\\\ YOOOOO000b.\\\\\ YOOOOO00000@@@@@//// dOO000@////////
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\\\\\ YOOO0000@@@b\\\' YOOO00000@@@@@P// dOOO000@D//////
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\\\\ OO0000@@@@@b' / OO000P///////// dOOO000@P/////
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\\ O000P'\Y@@@@D/// O0000q///////// OO000@P/////
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' 0000\\\\Y@@@D/// 00000@@@@@////// 000@@@@q/
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Editor: 0000Q\'d@@@@D/// 0000@@@@@P//////// @@@@@@@.
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Access Denied 000@@@@@@@@P'/// 000@@P//////////// .d@@@@@D X Marks The
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d00@@@@@@@P'//// d00@@@a///////// d@@@@@@@@@' Shit
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d00@@@@@@P'///// d00@@@@@@//////// @@@@@@@@'
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///////////////////////////////\ Y@@@@'
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///////////////////////////////\\\\ Y@'\\\\
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D a m n e d F u c k i n g S h i t
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- Presents -
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Issue #55
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Date: 5/30/96
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Title: Fuck Nate York
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Author: Access Denied
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Fuck Nate York
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Once upon a time, there was a little peice of shit named Nate York. He
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thought that he was a cool hacker. His view of being a hacker was to take a
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zip bomb, or a virus, or some other menial form of destruction (well, zip
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bombs are pretty menial) and to upload it to a BBS to see if he could get the
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sysop to run it. What a fucker. It's people like this that we should all
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look up to because they are the k-rad of the k-rad, the eleet of the eleet,
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they are just so FUCKING spiffy that I think I'm about to jizz in my shorts...
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... just a sec ...
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...
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Whew.. but no pr0n in DFS so I won't go into it.
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SSOOo annnyywaay ... shit, keyboard was sticky. Er, sorry... no pr0n.
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Umm.. where was I? Oh, on a side note, fuck you. On another side note, you
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probably didn't notice it, but I haven't published many issues of DFS lately.
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Well you were all probably hoping I was dead, and, well, I think I might have
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been for a while there. But fuck you all, I'm not dead. So now you have to
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be subjected to more of this shit.
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Anyway, back to the story about Mr. York, the k-rad or the k-rad, the eleet of
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the ... well you get the point.
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So anyway, one day Yorkie decides to be the k-rad kinda guy that he is and
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give *ME* (yes, *ME*, Access Denied no less) a zip bomb!!! Now why in all
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hell would ANYONE in their right mind want to zip bomb Paradise Lost? (my board
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for all you fucks who don't know). I don't know. So it failed cuz I'm just
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to k-eleet to be hit by a zip bomb. Anyway, this pissed me off. He was
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fucking with sacred territory. NO ONE FUCKS WITH PARADISE LOST AND LIVES TO
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TELL OF IT (well, no one except the Butcher, but that's a whole other story.)
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So, I guess you're probably wondering where the blood and guts are that are
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so common to DFS. Well, guess what, I was thinking that this whole blood and
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guts thing is just really off the wall wackyness and someone might try to get
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me in trouble for suggesting it and what-have-you. Well fuck that someone.
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You're getting your blood and guts!!!!
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I was really pissed at this guy. Nate was finsta get it. I found out where
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the fucknut lived and went to his house. I was of course armed with only a
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shotgun and a very sharp knife. So I knocked on his front door.
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I wasn't expecting Nate to open it because I'm sure he was scared as fuck from
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all of the mysterious calls he kept getting late the night before. So you
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can't say I didn't warn him and his, might I add, very pissed off parents.
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It was his mother who opened the door. She saw the shotgun and asked what I
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wanted. I said quite plainly that I wanted her, her husband, and any children
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of theirs dead and chopped into little peices in front of me. She laughed and
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promptly kicked me in the balls. This was kinda a bad thing to do. See I
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forgot to mention that I had a chest mounted small explosive launcher hooked
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up to a pressue sensitive jock strap. My shirt parted and out came a small
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packet of, well, to put it simply, pain.
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This was designed not to kill, right away that is. It's main intention was
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pain. Lots of pain. I laughed as her lower abdomen exploded into a fine mist
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of blood, stomach acid, and guts. Hah!!! Of course this was the highlight
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of my day so far. Also the dog's. Small chunks of her intestines flew
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backwards and splattered in a yellow and red pattern against the wall behind
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her. The dog smelled food and quickly began licking up the mess. I'd deal
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with him later. The mess is for me!!!
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Nate's mom's legs were still connected at the hips and they fell over to the
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side. The top of her body plopped down, luckily on her back. She was still
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alive, barely, but that's all that counted. I reached into my back pack and
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pulled out a handfull of salt. This I tossed into her gaping abdomen. She
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was hardly responding to anything at this time. She just had a blank look on
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her face, a look of shock. The salt caused a ripple of pain to wash over her
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face but that was about it. This was no fun anymore so I took the shotgun and
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promptly blew her head into a slimy pile of brain and bone. As her flesh tore
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away from the bone, a though I saw a smile forming on her face. It was funny,
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I guess she liked it.
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The dog ran over and began gnawing on parts of her tan colored brain. This
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was annoying because the brain is one of the best parts. So I had to deal
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with the dog.
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This of course was no ordinary dog. Like Nate York would have an ordinary
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dog. This little mangy peice of shit was just sitting there lapping up the
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brains. So I grabbed the fucker by the tail and started swinging it around
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the room. I was swinging so fast that the dog's eyes were buldging out of its
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sockets. Suddenly without warning, the mutt's tail snapped off and he went
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flying across the room and smacked into a wall. The dog left a smear of blood
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down the wall as its hairy carcass slid down.
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This was getting really fucking nasty, so I decided to find that bastard Nate
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and show him who was boss! So I walked through his house looking for him. It
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wasn't too hard to find him. The stench almost killed me. There he was in
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the middle of his kitchen, in a pile of his own shit and vomit. It was really
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fucking disgusting.
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Nate looked at me and laughed. But it wasn't a human laugh. Oh no, for Nate
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York wasn't human! I don't know what he was, but whatever it was, it liked to
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eat feces. His beady red eyes stared right through me, and I heard a deep
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voice say "I am Nate York! Prepare to die!"
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I laughed back at the shit eater. For I knew that I would win! In his
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excitement, Nate had begun eating more and more of his shit. He had become so
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bloated that he couldn't move. I took my shotgun and placed it up to his
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forehead. The look in his eyes was pure ecstacy. I don't even think he
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realized what was about to happen. I pulled the trigger and laughed as the
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explosion of blood and brains splattered onto the wall behind him and onto my
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face. The brain damage must have triggred something because he let a huge fart
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that rocked the entire house. It began shaking and suddenly began to collapse.
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I knew I only had seconds until I was entrapped in a coffin with my buddy Nate,
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so I ran as fast as I could! I made it out of the house just as it collapsed.
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As I was walking home chuckling to myself, I saw Nate's father drive by, most
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likely coming home from work with that slut Mary on down the street. I
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laughed at what I figured his face would look like when he saw the carnage at
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the place he used to call home. Hmm.. that slut sounds pretty damn nice now.
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But that's for another magazine. Cuz like I said, I don't do pr0n.
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Find DFS On These Fine Systems (When they're up...)
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==========================================================================
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| Paradise Lost +1.414.476.3181 DFS World HQ |
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| Temporary Insanity +1.414.666.W00T DFS Affiliate HQ |
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| Arcane Asylum +1.414.PSY.CHOS DFS Thingy HQ |
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| FTP - etext.archive.umich.edu - /pub/Zines/DFS |
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| HTTP - http://www.execpc.com/~adenied
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| See, it's like this. I don't call out, so I don't know if any of my |
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| distros are still up. So they're all GONE! If you want to be a site |
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| mail Access Denied at adenied@execpc.com or call Paradise Lost. |
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| ASCII Art by Incarnate |
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| To submit, call Paradise Lost and log on as DFS. The password is: |
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| JINGLE JINGLE |
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==========================================================================
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