164 lines
8.6 KiB
Plaintext
164 lines
8.6 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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JOURNAL ENTRIES 1992
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Written for F.U.C.K.
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Feb 10, 1996
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During my college years (1988-1993) I kept a journal off and on.
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For the better part of 1989-1990 I made entries in my journal
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whether or not anything exciting happened. It was more of a way
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of getting my thoughts and ideas down on paper for future
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reference. After my journal entries slowed in 1990 I began doing
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a "zine." (Zine being an underground magazine.) The zine was
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called "Fathoms Below" and was more or less my journal entries on
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a less personal and smaller scale to a wider audience than
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myself. I produced some intense issues (5 in all) from Summer
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1989 to Summer 1992 during which time I made very few journal
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entries. Below are two of my final journal entries-both of which
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happen to lean towards a more angry/uncertain self. I hope to
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bundle a bunch of my "better" journal entries and other writings
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into a future book entitled "Swimming in the Hate Pool." But for
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now, it is time to take a trip back in time to 1992.
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January 12, 1992-Sunday
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Wow, it is another semester again. I moved from the "Hell hole"
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I was in last semester to perhaps another bad situation.
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So I decide to go to the library in order to get some studying
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done. I decide 5th floor CES (at the University of Florida)
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because no talking should be going on (i.e. it is not allowed).
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I choose a seat and proceed to study and sure enough, about 15
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fee away some girl and guy are talking. Well, since no talking
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is allowed I am getting seriously pissed off. My anger grows and
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that is all I seemed to be able to concentrate on at the time.
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Finally, I gave up trying to study-due to the talking and my
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anger-and proceeded on home to my dorm room. I caught a glimpse
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of Buffalo winning the AFC. They will now be going to the Super
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Bowl.
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Sometimes I feel I am too serious about studying. If I could
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relax and "breath" easier I don't think all these things would
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piss me off. My anger makes me mean and I do attempt to control
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my anger but sometimes am unable too. Like last night. My
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roommate-the frat brat Gary-and his friends came in around 2am
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and were making noise. I finally got my ear plugs out and used
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them but they were rude, inconsiderate, and just plain assholes.
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I wonder what I should or could do. My insides want me to go out
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and break these guys but I know it is a bit unrealistic. I'm
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strong but 3 against 1 would make things a bit uneven, even if I
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did use a bat. I am surprised I can control myself to keep from
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smashing though. When people disturb me at night I want to
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destroy. Talk it over with your roommate. That seems realistic
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but what happens when I become angry and nervous and say the
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wrong thing. Maybe he will get the point.
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Right now my throat feels like it has a knot in it and my stomach
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almost feels empty. Something's not right, I need a release, I
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need something. I least I think I need something.
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I try to do my best at school and stuff but when things get in my
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way I get upset. When I lose control I get down. So when I am
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disturbed by noise or a roommate I usually blow it all out of
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proportion and wham I'm back to where I was last
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semester-depressed, angry, and wanting out. Perhaps it is the
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vitamins. It is hard to say what is really going on. I'm
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reading a book called "Happiness is a choice." Is it really? I
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seem to let too many things get me down.
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Welp, the RA wanted me to reconstruct my bed-housing policy says
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furniture can not be disassembled since this is a new complex. I
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have more room in my 7'x11' cell this way, plus I don't care for
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springy beds. Anyhow, because I told him I'm not going to do it
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I will probably end up seeing a conduct board. [Which did
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happen.] Who knows what will happen. I will fight to keep my
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bed as it is or ask to be let off campus. I'm tired of their
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crap. Having assholes for roommates and such. It is really hard
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to say how all this is going to affect me. I will continue to
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fight for what I believe is right and do what I can to achieve
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it. Resorting to violence or destruction is not how I care to go
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about doing things. However if that happens it is simply because
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I was pushed too far.
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I'm trying to stay happy and content this semester and not let
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things overwhelm me. I pray that I can make it through the
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semester okay. This will be my last semester on campus
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housing-thank goodness-I can only hope for better in the real
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world or get help and face reality.
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January 27, 1992
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Wow, just got out of Fields and I felt this intense feeling of
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anger, hatred, and just wanted to utterly destroy. The anger is
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over the new roommate Mark. I'm not sure about him but he
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doesn't seem to respect other individuals. Or, at least that is
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the way I see it. Sometimes I have a low frustration tolerance
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and this will help me but.Let me think of things he does or has
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done that bother me. Maybe that will make me feel better. Well,
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the first thing is he often plays his music loud assuming no one
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else cares. That annoys me and every once in awhile I tell him
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to turn it down. Thick skull. He as also used some of my
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silverware and not cleaned/replaced it back to where it belongs.
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Another thing is he smokes and I have noticed that he doesn't
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only do it in his own room-and I've talked to him about this.
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Haven't caught him at it though. And when I do want to talk to
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him he might just have his radio on loud. So the radio, smoke,
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using my stuff without cleaning it and not cleaning up messes he
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sometimes makes.
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Well, I think I will confront him about his smoke and ask him to
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keep it in his room as well as keeping the door shut when he does
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smoke.
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My roommates seem to have been manufactured in Roommate Hell.
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Where some mean asshole is mass producing indifferent mother-
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fuckers. At least, or at least I feel that, I'm not indifferent.
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I try to be considerate and not annoy others. So maybe this
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keeps me to myself. I can tolerate some stuff but I feel a
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little is enough. It is just when it starts effecting my
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emotions and gets me pissed off that I hate.
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Reflecting more on the positives and trying to be more tolerant
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as well as letting my thoughts known in a tactful manner is
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something I will attempt to do. Then it is time to bring someone
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like the RA in and after that it is time to play the same
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game-you live by the sword and you die by the sword.
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Okay, I'm calming down and trying to relieve myself of any anger
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and will attempt to be a nice guy again.
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If you let them, they will destroy you,
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Pallbearer
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, etc etc... =
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= Internet : jericho@netcom.com (Mail is welcome) =
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= gote land +27.31.441115 =
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= Arrested Development +31.77.3547477 =
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= Chemical Persuasion 203.324.0894 Celestial Woodlands 214.252.6455 =
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= that stupid place 215.985.0462 Hacker's Haven 303.343.4053 =
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= E.L.F. (NUP) 314.272.3426 Misery 318.625.4532 =
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= Dungeon Sys. Inc. 410.263.2258 Psykodelik Images 407.834.4576 =
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= Paradise Lost 414.476.3181 Black SunShine 513.891.3465 =
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= underworld_1995.com 514.683.1894 Digital Fallout 516.378.6640 =
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= PSYCHOSiS 613.836.7211 Bad Trip 615.870.8805 =
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= Plan 9 716.881.3663 suicidal chaos 718.592.1083 =
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= Phallic Paradise 801.944.7353 Purple Hell 806.791.0747 =
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= Atrocity Exhibition 905.796.3385 Phoenix Modernz 908.830.8265 =
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= The Keg 914.234.9674 =
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= Files through Anonymous FTP: FTP.NETCOM.COM - /pub/je/jericho/FUCK =
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= FTP.WINTERNET.COM - /users/craigb/fuck =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT - /pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
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= ETEXT.ARCHIVE.UMICH.EDU - /pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= Files through WWW: ftp://ftp.netcom.com/pub/je/jericho/jericho.html =
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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