134 lines
8.7 KiB
Plaintext
134 lines
8.7 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Mortality?
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Damn. I just realized the other day that I am going to die. I
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mean, this isn't a NEW thing to me, I came to terms with it a long
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time ago but it has always been sort of an abstract concept to me.
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It took the death of a guy I went to Armor School with to really
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drive the point home. I have had people die around me : family,
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friends from school etc, but this guy just really made it REAL to
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me. Mind you, it has been several months since he died but for
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some reason it suddenly clicked as I was thinking about it. This
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guy was driving a truck through a mountain path in Bosnia and the
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truck went off the side of the cliff. Now, Floyd here had volunteered
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to go to Bosnia knowing that he would be taken off a tank and
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stuck in the support elements. I don't know what made him volunteer,
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but it cost him his life... Strange how random it is. As I recall,
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Floyd almost didn't graduate OSUT with me because of a low PT score.
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He didn't have to be a Hemitt driver. He might not even have ended up
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on that mountain at that moment if not for a billion small factors...
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But, those things all added up to the fact that he went out and died.
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If any one of those things had been different would he have gone off
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that cliff? Not passing that PT test would have put him out of
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OSUT and into Germany two weeks later and probably in a different unit.
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Not volunteering would have left him in the rear pulling lawn mowing
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details. Five minutes sooner or later might have avoided that slick
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spot. I dunno, it just seems so bizzare to think about all the things
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that have to go right just to make something so wrong happen. A million
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details for one end result. Death is either one hell of an equation, or
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one hell of a fractal. It's beyond me.
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Now, I suppose that I've dealt with my impending status as worm food
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I should be getting all mushy and going on about how only God can make
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it all right for me and that there is something after this mortal coil
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is sloughed off. I suppose I should be going on like all the people
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who get to this point, but I won't. I can't. I gave up on a higher
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being looooong ago. I really would like to be able to do as so many
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do and have faith that all I have striven to learn and do won't just
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end up as so many rotting cells and ended impulses. It seems so
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hard to believe that the time my friends and I were caught trying to
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steal pumpkins will vanish with us. All the adrenaline when that
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first cop light hit us (all 15-20 of us. Subtle we were not) and all
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the jokes that followed days later will <poof> be gone. The time I
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popped a smoke grenade in a phone booth here on post. Crawling through
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drainage tunnels under my hometown. Laughter...Sadness all those X
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numbers of years gone like that. I think that it is these kind of
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thoughts that have me on this "life is neat" kick I've been traveling
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as of late. If all that I feel and know is going to dissapear I
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might as well not bog down a finite amount of time with needless
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bitching and moaning. Hey, alles gut mit mir.
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So, you might be saying "why is it you can't believe in God fj?"
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(Of course, you could be thinking about the time you took to snag this
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file). I dunno. I suppose that it is mostly a selfish reason. I just
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couldn't get over this believe or burn thing. Why can't a Godly life
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without God get you some sort of eternal life. I mean, heaven can
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sublet to kind agnostics and atheists. What? You don't think God has
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infinite space to deal with real estate wise? Really tho, the first
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time this occured to me I was probably eight or nine. I had been
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smuggled onto my fathers truck (he drove for a shipping company) and
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was going to Chicago to drop something. At one point in the trip I was
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lying there, looking asleep next to my father as he got up to begin
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driving after that nights rest. As he headed into the cab he stopped
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and reached over and brushed a lock of hair off my forehead then went
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about the business of driving. At that moment I thought "God, if you
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do exist and you allow my father to go to Hell, then I can't believe in
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you having infinite wisdom like they say...But infinite cruelty is
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within your grasp." There in that sleeper in my head I spent a lot of
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time that trip rationalizing how I felt about the universe in that
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sense. Sure, my father was a big and verbally abusive man.. But when he
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showed you love he showed an almost unending capacity for it. Only his
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violent mood swings kept him from being a diety to me because I knew that
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he might love you then and there, but then something from the day would
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set him off and everyone would feel his wrath. It's because of this
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that I can't believe in a merciful God. How is an all of nothing
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system of belief supposed to be merciful?
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SO, OK Michael (that's me) we've come to grips with the fact that
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death is indeed imminent. We have also explored the roots of your
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atheism and discovered that no matter how much you want it, at the
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heart of it all you can't believe that you go on after the EEG goes
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flat. So, what is a man supposed to do? Just what is the meaning
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of life to the rest of us slobs and yourself? Fuck, like I have
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a clue. Probably the best meanting of life I have ever heard is
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Monty Python's : (paraphrased) Be nice to people, read a good book,
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try to get in a walk now and again, use a condom etc. Sometimes I think
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the closest I'll ever get to heaven is the feel of being warm on a
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cold night, under a blanket with a warm female body next to me..
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And I suppose that is all I can really ask for.
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Enjoy.
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-fastjack
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, etc etc... =
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= Internet : jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= gote land +27.31.441115 =
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= Arrested Development +31.77.3547477 =
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= Global Chaos +61.2.681.2837 =
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= Chemical Persuasion 203.324.0894 Undrgrnd Indust/Inc. 207.490.2158 =
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= Damnation 212.861.0580 Damnation -Toll Free 888.803.8490 =
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= Hacker's Haven 303.516.9969 Unearthly Shadows 303.683.1443 =
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= E.L.F. (NUP) 314.272.3426 Misery 318.625.4532 =
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= Dungeon Sys. Inc. 410.263.2258 Psykodelik Images 407.834.4576 =
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= Paradise Lost 414.476.3181 Black SunShine 513.891.3465 =
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= underworld_1995.com 514.683.1894 Digital Fallout 516.378.6640 =
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= PSYCHOSiS 613.836.7211 Bad Trip 615.870.8805 =
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= Plan 9 716.881.3663 suicidal chaos 718.592.1083 =
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= Damaged 801.944.7353 The Death Star Bar 805.872.3151 =
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= Purple Hell 806.791.0747 BloodNet 901.872.8615 =
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= Atrocity Exhibition 905.796.3385 Phoenix Modernz 908.830.8265 =
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= The Keg 914.234.9674 that stupid place 215.985.0462 =
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= Files through Anon FTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK =
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= FTP.PRISM.NET/pub/users/mercuri/zines/fuck =
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= FTP.WINTERNET.COM/users/craigb/fuck =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
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= ETEXT.ARCHIVE.UMICH.EDU - /pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM - /users/rage/zines/fuck =
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= Files through WWW: http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.prism.net/zineworld/fuck/ =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author =
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