136 lines
8.0 KiB
Plaintext
136 lines
8.0 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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zen - me - zine
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---------------
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A little over four years ago I don't know if I really believed
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this magazine would make it this far. I did have the hope and desire
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for it to go a long way. The people I talked to about where it might
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go all showed doubt or skepticism. This file is for them.
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Many things have happened over the last year or so that have
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directly influenced the zine, the writers, and myself. I guess that
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probably doesn't need to be said since that is the case for just
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about everything. My inclination says that most of the writers for
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this zine have very dynamic lives compared to the average person.
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Looking back at how I used to be compared to how I was a few
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years ago shows me the difference between white and black. Literally
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and figuratively. I notice a pattern with my life though, and I can
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predict the future to a certain degree as far as my being is concerned.
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As many people have said before, things move in circles. I personally
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like it the way Tommy Lee Jones said it in _Under Siege_. "A revolution
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gets it's name by always coming back around in your face." And I feel
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that is the case with me. After consideration of more worldly experiences
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and engaging in more "social situations", I see myself returning to the
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old me.
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What does that mean? Nothing and everything. It probably means
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nothing to you if you don't know me. For those who do, it means little
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or nothing as the case may be. Means everything in the world to me of
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course. The older more bitter me. The me full of angst and loathing for
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the world I live in. The more mistrusting and calculating me. The cruel
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and potentially evil me. But with a twist...
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It used to be me sharing my anger with everyone, friends and family
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included. Now, I forsee a more refined and passionate anger. Such that
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my friends will still see my generosity while my aquaintences will see
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a level of distance and aloofness. I question which side of me is my
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true nature though. Part of says being distant is my true nature because
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of the sheer amount of years that I went like that. Part of me says
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my generosity is my true nature because I usually feel better when I
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am able to help my friends and give them whatever they need. I think it
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will be years down the road before I can ever answer that question.
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Voyager got me a shirt a few months back that says "Fuck You,
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I have enough friends." I can't help but wonder if he saw the turmoil
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I am going through, or maybe even saw the end result of my own questioning.
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Maybe it was pure coincidence and he thought it was funny. Now, I certainly
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agree with what it says. Part of me now wants to distance myself from
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more of my friends while seeking out old friends I have lost contact with.
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I don't know what to do. That is real funny considering all my friends
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seem to think they know whats up.
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Every once in a while friend A will say "friend B is walking all
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over you", while friend B is saying "friend C is walking all over you".
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Days later friend C is telling me how bad friend A is. Seems none of them
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ever realize how they may be acting toward me. If I were to go strictly
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on input from my friends, I would have none. I think to a certain degree
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each and every one of them is right. Thinking along those lines I begin
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to wonder about the nature of people, especially those I call 'friend'.
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One thing it has recently reminded me of is an old story about the
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nature of things.
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An otter was sitting beside a stream enjoying himself when a
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scorpion walked up to him. The scorpion said "I must get to
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the other side of the stream but I can't swim". The otter
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looked at the scorpion and said "I'm sorry, I can't help you."
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The scorpion thought about it for a minute and said "Wait,
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I can ride on your back and you can swim across." The otter
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considered it for a moment before saying "But you would sting
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me and I would drown!" The scorpion thought on this for a moment
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and replied "But I have to get across the stream, its very
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important. I promise I won't sting you." The otter looked
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at him with trepidation and then agreed. He got in the water
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and let the scorpion climb on his back before starting
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to swim. Half way across the stream the scorpion stung the
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otter on the back. "Why did you do that?! Now we will both
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drown!" yelled the otter. The scorpion thought about it for
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a few seconds as they both started sinking; "I don't know,
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I guess it's in my nature."
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I do place faith in stories like this one because they are so
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often true. But I can't figure out if human nature is that cut and dry.
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Is it my nature to continually give to my friends without praise? Is
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it in their nature to continually take from me without thanks? If so,
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should I even consider them friend?
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I have burried myself into a deep dark pit. I won't go into
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details about all of it, but needless to say I am no longer in a position
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to help my friends in the same way I once used to. The truth will emerge
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in the weeks to come though. When I cut off the support and help they
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are ocustomed to, will they be there? More importantly, will they be
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there for me when I am in need of the same type of help? Don't take this
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wrong friends, but I seriously doubt it. And that is based off past trends,
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nothing else.
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As time passes, I find myself missing more of my personal
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philosophy. I remember years ago promising never to get drunk, to be
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a social drinker only. I remember promising never to get in a serious
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relationship, to only date casually. I remember promising myself
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a ton of other things, but failed at that. So I think back to my
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philosophical side and wonder how I let it all slip away. I know I
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haven't read a lot of my books or thought about that kind of stuff
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much, but has it really ambandoned me? Or maybe I have supressed
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it for one reason or another. I think that is something I need to find
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out, to help me answer that and a world of other questions.
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So I guess thats it. The zine will keep going, things will
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progress. As always, the future is uncertain to a certain degree.
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In the mean time, hold onto nothing as fast as you can.
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.dis.
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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= To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with =
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= "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back =
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= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
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= Files through AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK =
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= FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids =
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= FTP.PRISM.NET/pub/users/mercuri/zines/fuck =
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= FTP.WINTERNET.COM/users/craigb/fuck =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
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= ETEXT.ARCHIVE.UMICH.EDU/pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= Files through WWW: http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.prism.net/zineworld/fuck/ =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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