179 lines
8.0 KiB
Plaintext
179 lines
8.0 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Convoluted Rants
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Date: 1:11 am Sat Aug 31, 1996
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posted less than two hours ago but my mind is screaming.
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i find it ever so amazing how much goes through your mind while you are
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driving. tonight's music, Tori again. this was different though, in a way
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that surprised me. i don't have a good stereo in the car, only at home,
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but as i played the tape, i found myself almost jumping as if someone
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had startled me each time the bass resounded.
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"Looking for a savior, in these dirty streets"
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one passage caught my mind this time. since i was a block from the apartment,
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I shut the stereo off after that one sentence. i think everyone is well
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aquainted with my views on religion and my contempt for christianity among
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other religions. after that sentence, i wondered to myself if there was a
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savior out there... someone that could truly understand me. i think that is
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the only way i would be saved by any means.. save me from my own mind. i sin.
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all my friends know it, hell, everyone knows it. if anyone makes a big deal
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out of it they are naive. everyone sins.
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i admit it. i have no problem with the morals. i take full responsibility for
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my actions and don't attempt to blame them on others. i do however blame my
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reasons for other's actions.
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i am a slave to my pager and cellphone. anyone can reach me at any time. its
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to the point if i don't call someone back within three or four minutes, they
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take it personal, or question what i was doing. where do they get the
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impression they are that important? i have been giving my time and attention
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for a year like that, always answering the page, always calling back. there
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are some people i know that answer less than 10% of my pages for various
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reasons. that same person thinks i wish them dead if i don't return their
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page in one minute flat.
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i think tomorrow i will turn my pager off, turn the cell off, and keep myself
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connected to the net all day. or unplug all the phones. maybe take a bottle
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of something and wonder down to the creek and just sit there. think about
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it, and how nice it would be... to do nothing. to sit there, breathe the
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fresh air, look at the stream flowing, drowning yourself in a bottle. no
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one can reach you unless they take the time to find you. sounds like a plan.
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of course, i have other plans to work that one around. return computer parts
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in the morning, install linux, movie late tomorrow night.
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i want no obligations in life as far as friends go. i want unconditional
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friends that will put up with me. some of my friends have done that for the
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past six months. now, i want them to put up with me for my actions, not me
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responding to someone else's desires.
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thinking back to my previous posts, i should probably extract them as some
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form of diary. some log of my sorrow, confusion, happiness, and anger.
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anything to remind me that i am alive.
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big things are happening in the future. really neat stuff. when it surfaces i
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will talk about it, but can't until then. they say money burns holes in your
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pocket. wonder how secrets would compare.. they burn a hole in your soul i
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think. something much deeper and more primitive.
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"and the pain lingers on"
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_The Wall_, watching the movie right now. i watch it at least every 6 months
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now. its to the point i am comfortable with the movie and music. i grew up
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listening to it, watching it, reading it. it brings back faded half visions
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of memory. "goodbye blue sky" is a good representation of where i am heading
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i think. if work and stress doesn't consume me, my inner turmoil will.
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its nice to vent like this, but i don't want to give the impression that I am
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looking for anything. i don't want help. i certainly don't want sympathy, and
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the last thing i want to do is give guilt to anyone. even if i were to give
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guilt, they wouldn't be reading this.
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so what do i want. something grand. something that strikes out and makes
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people understand. i want everyone to understand something though, not just a
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handful. don't even know what i want them to understand, just that I do want
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them to understand. who knows, maybe i will be the prophet i seek. i doubt it
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though, just takes too much and i don't know if i have that to give right
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now.
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chaos is certainly neat.
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hi
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=-=
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Date: 2:26 am Sun Aug 25, 1996
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my night. my fuckin night. or my morning given the time.
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there are days that just scream out at you that life sucks and
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things are never destined to go right.
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destiny hates me.
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hurt is common in my life now. its like a shirt though, wear
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it, everyone sees it, but no one says anything because they
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see it so much.
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either sleep or rage is taking over my mind. i want to sleep
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for a day or kill someone right now. both would be kinda
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enjoyable i guess. sleep will win again i bet.. when sleep
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fights with something else, it wins because i don't have
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energy to do the other.
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hate.
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=-=
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Date: unknown
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Now, I can do that. Near my apartment is a nature preserve, with a nice
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slow moving stream going through it. The way it sits down in some trees
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in a grove gives you a near perfect escape (ie: can't see anything
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manmade). You can hear cars, see a few lights, etc, but it is so damn
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nice. I go down there sometimes and just wade in the cold water.
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Unfortunately, long ago I spent time with a really good friend (femme of
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course), and we never really dated, but we knew each other real well...
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and I spent time with her there. So, I kinda have regrets going down
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there because I kinda miss having someone to talk to and confess my sins
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to. (yes, i'm a sinner).
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=-=
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Date: 1:28 am Thu Aug 29, 1996
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secrets are cool. until you have no one to share them with. then they eat you
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up. they consume you. they burn you from the inside. i hate being the keeper
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of secrets sometimes. i use to be the one to confess your sins to. now, most
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don't, but old stuff still haunts me.
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setec astronomy
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=-=
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Date: 12:55 am Sat Aug 31, 1996
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why do ex-friends think they can run my life? why do they even have the
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audacity to even fucking try to do so? don't they understand it is
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easier to shoot them than talk to them? <sigh>
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hey you.. all alone sitting cold, can you hear me?
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=-=
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Date: unknown
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guilt is for amateurs
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=-=
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.d1s.
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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