90 lines
4.7 KiB
Plaintext
90 lines
4.7 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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You speak to me in riddles, you speak to me in rhymes
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One thing I hate about my sleeping habits is that I am up, constantly. My
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body clock is so wacked that half the time, I am up all hours of the night
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and sleep very little. Some how or another it doesn't seem to alter my
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cheery disposition though.
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But the one thing I like about this 'downtime' is that I feel alone,
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literally, while the world sleeps. Living on the west coast now, watching
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the clock tick hours, and knowing that the majority of the US is fast
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asleep, slumbered in their beds snug as a bug in a rug. It is almost a
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powerful feeling, as if its just me against the world, and that empowers
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me a bit.
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When I get like this, I get very melancholy. I like reading some of my
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old writings that are still private (ie not on-line), reading through
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email that I sent out or received from ex-lovers. Listening to music that
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sets the mood (like Sarah McLachlin). My mind starts shutting down and I
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notice how that it is during this time that I can actually function at a
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slightly different rate then before.
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During the day, my mind is running at such a speed that I need "to break"
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in order to get relief. I need to sit back and think about things,
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regardless of the relevancy of them, so that I can relax and go "yes, I am
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alive after all".
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Music helps set the mood because I can then break down and 'feel'
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something. All too often I have been called a 'heartless bitch" because I
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can be quit mean or cold. And I know that I am quit guilty of it, and yet
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I still do it anyways. Often I wonder why I still behave that way.
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Sometimes, being the masochist that I am, I put myself through situations
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over and over again, in my mind, analyzing why I react the way I do,
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wondering why I make compensations for some people while I am merciless on
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others. Wondering why I do the things I do. Folding, extracting, folding
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again.
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There is something magical about the night. Something almost erotic in the
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way the sky glows with stars, the world is shutting down, the air if I
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stand outside feels almost silky against my skin, regardless of the
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temperature. It feels almost forbidden, and in many ways, I like it like
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that. It makes it more "mine". Makes me feel more "alone" and perhaps a
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bit more elitest.
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This is such the perfect time for so many things. Making love. Dreaming.
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Writing. Thinking. Staring off into the stars wondering about all the
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million and one possibilities that could occur in your lifetime. In my
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lifetime.
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This is my time. This is my world. This is my domain. This is where I can
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rule and where I will survive. This is where I can be most free, to shed
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all the masks and become more real to not only myself but to those I
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choose to share it with me.
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This is where I dream. To shape and to discover what is going on, to see
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if what I am doing, regardless of the situation, is right for me. To think
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of the future, to mourn the past. To live in the moment. To love
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unconditionally, to feel loved and to be loved. To feel desired. To
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desire.
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Because regardless of when its said and done:
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I won't be denied.
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by simunye
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5-20-97
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2:25 am PST
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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= To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with =
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= "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back =
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= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
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= Files through AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK =
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= FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
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= FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= Files through WWW: http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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