87 lines
4.2 KiB
Plaintext
87 lines
4.2 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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old ghosts
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[ vignette ]
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i dated this guy for a long time. he used to beat me.
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it was kinda funny in a fucked up way, since at the time
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i was self-abusing. (you know, cutting and burning
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yourself in order to feel pain, which is better than
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feeling nothing.) so, whenever the numbness started to
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rush over me, i would harass him until he punched me.
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once i remember being in the snow, wearing boxers and
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a tee shirt. no shoes. i wasn't allowed to wear shoes
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in case i ran away. i was on the ground cause he dumped
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me there. i had done something like not eat the food
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he brought me or some fucked up thing. he was wearing
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these huge combat boots, steel toed. i remember watching
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the boots hurtling toward my face and realizing that
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something was going to break once they caught me square
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enough. once he was done with my face he went after my
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ribs and belly. again and again. i didn't say anything.
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i just watched the snow fall and breathed in the cold
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air, allowing the crispness to fill my lungs.
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[ vignette ii ]
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i was in the shower. i like my showers hot, so hot that
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my legs are red and scalded when i get out. i hadn't
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eaten in three days. (anorexia is a bitch.) i felt faint.
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i knew i was gonna go. i called for my father, who
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thought i had soap in my eyes. he brought me a towel, but
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i couldn't see it. everything was going black. when i
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didn't reach for it he whipped open the shower curtain in
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time to see my eyes roll back into my head as i fell to
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the hard slippery porcelain. when i awakened, my mother
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gave me a glass of orange juice. i waited until she left
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and i flushed it down the toilet. then i got on the scale.
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92. only 15 more pounds to go. i admired my bones in the
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mirror.
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[ vignette iii ]
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i was running, running from the unit i had been assigned
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to. it was christmas eve. it was cold and dark. i didn't
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want to be there on christmas. they kept making me eat and
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they had to watch me piss. i hated it. one of the mhw's
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(mental health workers) caught up with me and threw me to
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the ground. (no no no) two others grabbed my legs and they
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dragged me to the isolation unit. the floor was concrete
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and the walls were made out of sheet rock. there was a
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single all cotton fouton in the middle of the room. it
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was the perfect place, so white. i smashed the walls over
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and over again with my elbows until they were blue and
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swollen. i screamed, a primal rage that tore my throat.
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i kicked a nurse in the stomach. they injected me and tied
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me to the bed. sleep. the next morning my mother arrived
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with christmas presents. my arms were torn and bloody.
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my face was black and blue. how could she love me? how
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could anyone?
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Palpable Obscure
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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= To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with =
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= "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back =
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= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
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= Files through AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK =
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= FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
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= FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= Files through WWW: http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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