82 lines
5.0 KiB
Plaintext
82 lines
5.0 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Happy Holidays from the Sheep!
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If you know me (and pray you're not accounted for here), you know I don't
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like holidays. Although there isn't one in sight at this writing, I
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started thinking that it's actually the card-giving holidays that disturb
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me the most. Any friggin' significant numerical smear on the calendar that
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forces me out to the potpourri-smelling Halmark store in order to purchase
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a greeting card of any kind has my ire.
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Just the premise alone of having to take my weary ass (take my word for it,
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it's weary-looking) out to buy the card is an out-right act of baa-baaa
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sheepishness to begin with. That act alone demonstrates to me that I too
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have caved into the notion that going through certain holidays without
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passing off a card will make me less acceptable than an HIV-positive
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Republican candidate in the Ozark voting district. Blame the card
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companies, blame the stores, blame Madison Ave, blame the CIA if you're
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already doing it for everything anyway, but about half of these holidays
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are NOT card worthy. "Happy Arbor Day, You Big Tree Hugging Druid!"
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Sheesh..
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Next in line is the message in these cards. I would just as soon have a
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premonition of my own painful death by rectal cancer than to even PRETEND
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to read one of those poem-cards with a hand-holding couple walking on a
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beach at sunset. No matter how heart-felt the gesture, no matter no rich
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the sentiment when the card was picked out, I just can't realistically
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enjoy words from a stranger. It's not even that I fly into a rage, or
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something so callously melodramatic. I just know they can see my eyes
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water and begin to cross when I read these cards, the same they would if
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you made me read a 1040 instruction booklet. Again, don't get me wrong, I
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enjoy the thought, but even Pol Pot didn't make his people read greeting
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cards - he just shot them outright with some sense of mercy.
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What's worse is the absolute tizzy you get into in the card isle. Bless
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the Norse gods if you're luck enough to find a commercial greeting card
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store, but how many times have you ended up in the one at the supermarket?
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AHHHHHH! Boy, these suck! It's doesn't help that your selection amounts
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to an entire year's worth of greeting cards in a space only as wide as the
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front of a VW. Oh, no they've got to COMPLETELY suck to add insult to
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injury. You go to find a decent B-day card, and all that's left is the one
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that the other delinquents and late-comers overlooked that has some demonic
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clown wishing a 3 year-old a "HAP-HAP-HAPPY Jewish Amputee B-Day Party!"
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Yup, and rather than looking insensitive or inconsiderate, you're forced to
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buy this for your fiancee's uncle's big 5-0. Yeah, I'm sure he'd much
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rather have had you take a big ol' crap on a piece of card-stock, fold it
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together, and give him some demented fecal-Rorschach test. At least people
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respect home-made card ("Oh! You shat the card yourself! Well it's VERY
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pretty!")
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Take my advice here: The best default greeting card to buy? The "Sympathy
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on the Loss of you Pet" card. Why? One, it's always in stock. Two, it
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says nothing about events in particular - A plus since none of them say
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anything particularly significant anyway. Three, and most importantly, if
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it just so happens their pet just happened to die around the holidays,
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you're already covered.
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-capone
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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= To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with =
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= "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back =
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= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
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= AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK =
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= FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
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= FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= WWW http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html =
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= http://www.interlog.com/~lisa/f.u.c.k =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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