189 lines
9.0 KiB
Plaintext
189 lines
9.0 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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An Excerpt From my Diary
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"Yeah, i have a diary."
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Preamble:
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The names in this story have not been changed to protect anyone. Most of
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the people that i talk about can sit festering in the most maddening
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cesspool-ridden third world nations for eons: i just don't fucking care.
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7/17/95 12:00pm: sitting in a bed surrounded by thirty other strangers
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It's been an adventure so far. Walking in the door wasn't a problem. The
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secretary was very nice. i sat and waited and a woman came over to tell me
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about the program.
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She showed me a map on the wall and the schedule. Then i sauntered around
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for awhile and finally i went out to the car and brought my stuff in. Of
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course, not before i had located my 'room' and placed my name-tag on my bed
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(one in the corner, but the window).
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i slowly took my things out of my bags and dropped them into the drawers
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of a small dresser next to the bed. i hoped it was my allotted dresser.
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i didn't want to take one that belonged to someone else. Thank god no one
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was in the room when i did this.
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i went outside and had a butt. You're not allowed to smoke anywhere in the
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building - in fact you are not allowed to smoke *anywhere* on the premises.
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i walked all the way down the hill, probably a mile, and then back up to
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the top of route 183. i had turned around there earlier today when i had
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missed the driveway.
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i smoked a butt. As i did, i stared out over the open fields below me.
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Far off to the east mountains stood, tall, rigid; purple guardians of what
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lay beyond. Standing in the center of the fields was a lone oak tree.
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Weathered with age it leaned against the wind. Two crows alighted atop
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it's gnarled branches. i remembered the _Dream of the Rood_.
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i went back to my room and read for a bit. No one else came in while i was
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there.
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i called Steve and Laura from the bank of pay phones in the front lobby.
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i was a bit nervous about the whole thing. They said i was doing great.
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i wasn't looking forward to dinner.
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After a frantic search i found the unmarked misnamed bathroom - it was
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labeled 'shower.' i went back to my room, read, went to have another butt,
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and then went to dinner.
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i found the dining area by looking at the map the woman had shown me when
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i first arrived. It was upstairs. i got there early. Too early. i waited
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around for an hour or two and when they opened the doors i wandered in.
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The dining area was set up like a typical small college cafe. i couldn't
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see where you put the trays when you where done though. That bothered me.
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It's the little things that get me.
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It was serve yourself. i slapped on things that i could recognize, which
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wasn't a lot: some meat product, mashed potatoes, and string beans. i ate
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quickly and then sat through four glasses of coke trying to figure out
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where the fuck to put my tray. 'Do i leave it here? Or is there a garbage
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area? Shit.' Finally i spied someone walking towards a door with their
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tray. Bingo! i followed suit.
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When i got out of the dining area i realized i was starving. i hadn't
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really eaten anything, although i had to piss like a water buffalo.
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-----
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Just got off the phone with Steve, i'm off for a butt and then to bed.
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7/18/95 7:56am: Morning in hell.
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Got up at 5:00am today. Everyone was getting up to go to the morning yoga
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thingy. i stayed in bed.
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By the by, stumbling in last night wasn't so bad. i made it to my bed
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without tripping or knocking into anything. Amazing considering the fact
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that at 10pm they had turned out the fucking lights while i was out smoking!
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Did i mention the guys in my room doing yoga shit in the morning? No, i
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didn't. Ok, picture obese men in their thirties butt-naked doing splits.
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i had all i could do to keep from retching in my bed. And what the fuck
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is it with all these fuckers not wearing any clothes! i'm all for naked
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sleeping, but not in a room full of other men. Is this some kind of freaky
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gay club or something!?!
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Showering sucks. It's a little cube of a room with shower heads lining the
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wall. No bonus. 8 shower heads in a 12' cube. Whatever! i waited a
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long time before i went into the shower. i was hoping that everyone would
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be done by then. Almost everyone was. There was only two old guys in there
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by the time i got in. Thank god they were shaving and i had the cube room
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to myself.
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Breakfast was all right. i sat alone again. i took a fork, knife, and a
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plate; which proved useless.
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At 8:30am i have to be at the chapel for my second little group thingy.
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It's weird in this dorm/barracks room. We are all here together yet we are
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all in our own world. No one pays any mind to another. It's not as if they
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are being disrespectful, it's just that to grant courtesy would be to
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validate the others existence.
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Usually, in a situation such as this one - college comes to mind -
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friendships start to blossom. It appears as though this isn't going to
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happen here.
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Michele (a guy from Toronto) just moved bunks before he went to eat. i
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wonder why. My snoring? Me coming in late? He's a nice guy, 30 somethin',
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just shy of 40. He looks like he could still be in school though. He's in
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the self esteem program with me.
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This poor woman in my self esteem group reminds me so much of Laura. So
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much. i bet i could help her, but i won't. i have to keep in mind that
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i'm here for me, not for anyone else. That's my biggest problem. 'Help
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everyone - but myself.' Maybe by the end of the week i'll be able to do
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that.
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8:13am i'm getting nervous. i'll try to pee before i go to my workshop
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deal.
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Someone spoke! "Almost time." That's a first. i talked to Michele for
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a second before but you know how i am. i guess if i start the conversation
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then it doesn't count.
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8:15am says the nervous lad as he works himself into a frenzy. i'd console
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myself with the fact that there might be some cute females, but there haven't
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really been any yet. Besides, they keep telling us that we aren't supposed
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to engage in that sort of activity.
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i think that they're on a power trip. Any place that denies you things is
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too full of itself.
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i'm TIRED OF SEING NAKED MEN IN MY ROOM!
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Off to my meeting.
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10:30am Running.
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Ok, that's it. They're a fuckin' cult! Jesus what was i thinking. i'm
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sitting here writing in hopes that everyone is going to leave soon. Then
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i'm packin' my shit and running the fuck out of here!
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i'd explain what happened but i don't think i can. It was weird. Really
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weird. We were sitting in groups of three and then we started doing all
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this relaxation shit and holdin' each other and whatever. Fuck that shit.
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What in the fuckin' world was i thinkin'. These are the kinda people that
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mothers warn their children away from. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
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i'm makin' tracks man. i'm getting the fuck out. i don't want two fuckin'
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dudes rubbin' my shoulders and shit. What the fuck is that?! i walked out
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of group. i guess i didn't mention that. i pretended that i had to go to
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the bathroom. Fuck, i didn't go back either. No fuckin' way.
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No one has said anything to me yet. i'm wishing them all away now. i just
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want to leave but i don't want to be confronted when i do. i'm totally
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scared that i'm going to have to break out of here. This place is so freaky
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now that i can see it for what it is.
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Lights out at 10pm, touch your friends, make them feel comfortable.
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What-the-fuck-ever!
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i'm outa here . . .
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- The Unbidden
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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= "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back =
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= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
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= FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= WWW http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html =
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= http://www.interlog.com/~lisa/f.u.c.k =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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