192 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
192 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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no title...does it matter?
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--------------------------
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just read #376 ("How Does Everyone Else Do It" by Tersian) and it left
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the rage in me soaring. what a way to top off a day... these past few
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weeks... my life...
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i have many friends ranging from 9 to 60something. close friends. from
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many different walks of life. yet few of them respect me...for who i
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am. i'm 21 going on infinity. look like i'm 16. high school
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salutatorian turned college dropout due to financial reasons and the
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burnout of the century. on my own since 17, chased out of house and
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home by a brother swinging the tongs of a fucking hammer at my face and
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a mother patting him on the back as i flee. spent my 18th birthday in
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juvie for fighting back once in 18 years of hell...fighting nearly for
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my life as i was being railed on in my sleep. could have died then.
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wished i had then. tried to finish it off myself to no avail.
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where am i now?
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of all my friends only those 40 and over make more money than me. while
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my mother is bankrupt, my jeep grand cherokee is the one thing i own to
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flaunt my success. i've given up my past... forgiven my family... help
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them out when i can. i've been proposed to by a 44 yr old whom i dearly
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love but not yet enough to marry, and am acting step-mom to his 9 yr old
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daughter. scares the living shit out of me, cause the stats are against
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me...the abused child often abuse their children...but things are
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working fine. from her, from them, i shield my rage. but why? if
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there was only some way to vent...
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before my current job i was a contractor. needed more money due to new
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responsibilities of a family. said what i thought i was worth.
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contracting house could care less. took the gamble. they lost. in my
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interview as an employee i promised that i would stick around, should
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all that was told to me about the company be true. one day after a
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friend offered me a job for $30k/yr more, with great potential to raise
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that consistently. but i remembered my promise. my $30k+ promise. the
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day i started i realized i was lied to in my interview. that was over 3
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months ago. and i'm still here. the 2nd most knowledgeable system
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administrator, 2nd to the new guy who started 3 weeks ago. but i'm also
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the youngest.
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in my interview i was told that i would be the administer for over 13
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middle end servers, and a backup network administrator. my last job i
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admin'd 8 high end and did shit with the networking. step down in
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scale, but 5 more toys and a net to play with, with a nice raise none
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the less. but money isn't everything. i was made backup admin instead
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of primary. and the primaries don't like kids telling them what to do
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and that they're doing it wrong no matter how nicely you put it. i was
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told that the people here were like a family. close knit. and i am now
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experiencing what life is like outside the knit...so close it could keep
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out el nino. i was told that i would spend a great deal in vendor
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classes to enhance my education in my field as well as a $4k tuition
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reimbursement for college classes which work would not interfere with.
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most of the time i work late and am the only one who answers the phone
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at night amidst my meals and sleep. this would miraculously change when
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i start classes? i don't even have the fucking time to register. lies.
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all but the money. yet to me, for the work i am doing, my paycheck is
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worth nothing. no amount of money can compensate for the skills i am
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loosing.
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to top things off my boss told me this morning in the fourth one-on-one
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she's kept in a while, after asking how i was feeling since the last
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frustrations i voiced with her about the lies, that for
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single-point-of-contact communication purposes with our offices in
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nashville there will be one primary admin on the servers i finally was
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granted primary on, and that will be the new guy. so now i have a real
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reason to give my notice so i can go on to do bigger and better things.
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like start my own company. ceo at 21. move over gates. you're
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history. $80k+/yr at my fingertips. my only concern? those few
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friends of mine who are nearly in the same boat as me are jobless.
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those who have not been found by whatever streak of good fortune turned
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my life around in 2 years are scrounging their pennies for rent. living
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with friends who could barely afford to make ends meet themselves, but
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are kind enough to help support those who are less fortunate. #360
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talked about thanks. that's one thing i rarely say, and when i do,
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abbreviate. now i want to show it. for weeks i've been debating with
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my other board member about giving my friends a break. a chance to
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prove that they are just as capable as i. that they have the potential
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to succeed. that the only reason they were cut loose by the last nooses
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bleeding them in return for pennies is that they are young, have no
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degrees like me, but have minds and souls greater than einstein's.
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finally i got it through. now i'm loosing sleep not over permission to
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be granted to submit them for proposal, but for the yes on the rfp,
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which is in the final stages of submittal. and also what to say in my
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notice. and how to be polite about it.
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for a bit of reassurance on my change of course i saw a spiritual
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counseller. one year ago, because i could not put logic to it, i
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thought people like her were full of shit. but i needed something to
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con my spirit into sleep. my first visit she told me my life. my past.
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in detail. things no one. _no_one_ could have known. then went onto
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my past lives. back to bfegypt as i'm choking up the tears listening to
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night after night of 20 years of painful dreams being summarized in a
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one hour session. and then she dabbed in my future a tad. more dreams
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which i tried to hide from being narated as the feelings from them
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surface in full detail. the next session she talked about kids. my
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kids. "three" as she holds up four fingers and says "oops...maybe
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four." and i could never even see myself living past the age of
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20something let alone have time in life to be a mother...of even one.
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nor did i ever have wish to. so i definitely have a ton of shit to work
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on with that. the last session was a group session in which she
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summarized to my lover the research i hope to do soon and the product it
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will produce, and then left me choking after saying that what i will do
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will change the world.
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i am only 21. i have no wish to change the world. my greatest wish of
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all for most of my life has been to leave it. i didn't ask for it.
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didn't create it. don't want it. haven't even bothered to conjure up
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ideas of how, if possible, it could be changed to make me want it or
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even be able to stomach it. who the fuck am i? she said i am powerful.
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my life story is one of the powerless. what am i to believe? who is
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she, to delve into my inner being and say that i am something i feel
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not. but i have another session in two days. an emergency one that she
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scheduled. she knew something was coming up. if only she could have
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prepared me for today ahead of time. i would be in a more pleasant
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mood, possibly. or would i? maybe i needed today. i needed to grow in
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some special way. maybe she is being the mother i never had but wish to
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some day be if her forecasting proves right. and i have another session
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next week. and will probably have them for a lifetime. she is, not
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because of what she knows of me, but for who she is, one of my most
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precious friends.
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she said i can say no. to the kids. to the research. to my job. to
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the world. all i have to do is say no. there is no destiny. we can
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walk in the path of the stars or we can tell them to fuck themselves. i
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was so close to saying no. i was nearly choking to death driving home
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from work the other day...trying to write down while soaring on the
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interstate what to do if i was found on the side of the road. got home,
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took more meds, then rode to the er. put a fiber optic tube like the
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ones i use to connect my machines down my nose to look at my throat.
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looked inflamed. airway blocked a bit. dosed me up with steroids that
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are only given to people with strong near-death allergic reactions where
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their throat is reacting so strongly to something that it blocks even
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the air that one breathes. and so many narcotics to help the pain that
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i was puking for 3 days through my nose since my restricted throat
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couldn't hold the volume. not many people know what i went though. to
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those concerned i tell the smallest amount to keep them from taking on
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the burden of my pain. my pain from what? blood tests and throat
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culture were negative. clinically, my immune system seemed fine. tell
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that to someone who can't even swallow right. my herbalist narrowed it
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down to an allergic reaction, which my doctors were to incompetent to
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even do. but to what? at a potluck two days ago the husband of my
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spiritual councellor marvelled at my immediate improvement and asked
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what i said to change it. what i said? he explained that the throat is
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the location of the first chakra, a blockage of which symbolizes a
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blockage of communication. to the extent of which nearly cost me my
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life. what was i saying? or not saying? what was i about to say? no.
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no to what? my future. my friends. my goals and aspirations. my
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world. my life. one word. if i knew that 2 years ago it would have
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saved me the misery of however many failed attempts i gave up counting.
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so what next? i'm guessing not even my councellor can tell me that.
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the world is unfolding in my sleep. i did the esp thing with a friend
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in texas. and all i said was yes. am i on drugs? i wish. can i still
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say no? if i tried, would i live to know? i still don't believe in
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destiny.
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then what is it doing this to me beyond my control?
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the truth is out there?
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really?
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i'd sure like to know..
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yt.
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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= To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with =
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= "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back =
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= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
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= WWW http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html =
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= http://www.interlog.com/~lisa/f.u.c.k. =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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