224 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
224 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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prelude to sleeping
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-------------------
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it never ends. the calm inside of me. the depth of reaching, of growing.
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of stretching out and feeling free. of being new.
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It is now nearly 4:30a. I have listened to _fumbling towards ecstasy_ three
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times, and have such a gamut of emotions, that even I can barely contend
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with it. Memories have flooded my senses, thoughts and ideals that i
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sometimes bury so deeply that i can't find them, even when i try. the
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needs/wants of relationships, the possibilities of love, reaching out,
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clutching hard, never wanting to be let go, watching your lover walk away
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from you. the depression, the hurt, the anger, the pain. the asking of 'why
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why why', and not ever knowing the answer. wanting to dive deep to the
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depths of some mystical world and never surfacing. kicking back and
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listening to the same CD over and over, searching for answers to questions
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you can have always been afraid to ask. feeling your own humanity at
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stake, and running the gamut of emotions, watching memories in your mind's
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eye like film clips, painting pictures. wanting to feel consumed in fires
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of emotions. the connects and disconnects. the disappointments, the rage
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and hate. feeling afraid and alone, celebrating anniversaries alone, and
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knowing (if i leave you know, you know i won't love you any less) that the
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maybe's 'ifs' and 'buts' were nothing but words inserted for your own fear.
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pushing back against the norm to register who and what you are. claiming
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individuality for individualaties sake. to be free of constraints and of
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ideals. to just BE! to just continuing finding something and seeing it in
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front of you and knowing that maybe.. possibilities seem endless of the
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discourse of human interaction. to take that wild plunge for the sake of
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being and doing. to never be afraid to wonder or to learn. to want to push
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the limits to never ending possibilities and to just thank god your alive.
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you breathe, you hope and you fear, but you will never be alone. ever. you
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stretch out in your images and just fondle your dreams like precious
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coins, sometimes feeling like your holding back, and wondering why you
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can't be like everyone else, and hoping against hope, that isn't something
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wrong with you, but loving your madness. and being in love. being
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possessed by that overwhelming passion, that seemingly once in a lifetime
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occurance, only to be disappointed by conflicts and stupid crap. drinking
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alone, getting high, tripping on acid. looking for god. looking to move to
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that mountain top to find your answers. to push away the human boundaries
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because of the pain. sweet glorious pain that shapes our ideals and makes
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you contemplate between life and death, and you just don't know! you
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i
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well
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can you really say its okay?
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can you really nod and think its fine? how many times can you write down
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your feelings without them becoming monotonous and over analyzed. why
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can't we just 'be' for the sake of living and why can't we just 'do' for
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the sake of 'doing'? i really wanted to try..and somehow that never seemed
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good enough for you, for me, for anyone anymore
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i am waiting to break free. to run against the waves, to fly towards the
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sun, as high as I can nd never turn around. to grasp, kiss, fondle,
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caress all those around me and show them what life is about. to gather
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together and celebrate being alive.
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i want to understand.
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i didn't want to forget.
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i didn't want to reconcile the probabilities and the notions.
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i didn't want to push you away when i did. i didn't want to hold back from
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fear. i didn't want to lose you when i needed you and i didn't want to
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forget what it was all about. i didn't want to scream in rage or pound my
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head against a wall or forget about being alive. i didn't want to lie to
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you, cheat on you or lose your faith. i wanted you to understand why i do
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what i do, and to believe that. i wanted to be your female counterpart to
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succumb to your advances, to submit to you and dominate you. i wanted to
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play games with you and just drive you insane with being coy and then walk
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away with job well done. i wanted to arch my back in pleasure in the
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tenderness of moments and feel your cock buried deep in me. i wanted to
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close my eyes and feel you around me no matter where i was. i didn't want
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it to be like this.
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i don't like it being like this. i wanted to ask you answers to my
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questions, and
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NOT
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HAVE
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YOU
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BLOCK
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ME
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OUT.
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why would it be so hard for you to take my heart. you've ripped it into a
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1000 pieces, like glass shards, and now it lays, exposed, waiting for
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someone to pick it up, and i asked you, begged you so long ago to
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understand me, to understand the inner turmoil between the selves, the
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ego's and yes, even the multiple personalities. i begged you to come to me.
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i remained strong for strength sake, and to not burden you with any
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emotional trivialties.
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and a depth inside of me, which couldn't be reached.
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which couldn't be found.
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which couldn't be completed. you called me a liar. as if loving many
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people was a sin. DON'T IMPOSE YOUR JUDGEMENT ON ME. i loved each and
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everyone that i said i loved as completely as possible, and it didn't work
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out. and i walked away learning something, giving even more to the next
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lover. giving them which the previous ones denied me before. you kill a
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part of me with your words, you sneer at my attempts of finding hope and
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of faith and you keep killing a part of me. you didn't believe me when i
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said i loved you. don't pass judgement on me. i know what i said and i
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said what i meant. just because YOU won't believe makes my faith any less
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of a reality.
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how many times, misses and attempts will it take to reconcile this
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craziness burning deep inside of me. how many times do i have to sit and
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mull over problems and curious to find the answers, and you just keep
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BLOCKING
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ME
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OUT
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pushing me towards finding no better answers or not even listening to what
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i say. i begged, i humbled my self, i pushed YOU away. i played your game.
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i fought and tortured myself and agonized over such TRIVIAL THINGS.
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ohhhhhhhhhhh god
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this constant torture of being pulled a 1000x different directions and
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never sure which direction is going in. and never sure then what side of.
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and crying. holding back the tears, not wanting to show you the more
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"weak" side, because that is BLASPHEMOUS to
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to
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to
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lies and sweat and sex and cigarette smoke curling around my fingertips
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hearing the subway running
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pushing it all back deep inside, swallowing it whole
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i never asked for this, i never wanted this.
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all i wanted was to be happy. not sitting up at nearly 5am yawning and
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listening for hidden messages in cd's. staring at pictures of myself,
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getting ready to ship to friends.
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DO YOU FEEL?
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does the pain and emotion flood you when your alone. nothing keeping you
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together but memories of past relationships and tender moments? do you
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recognize your strengths and weaknesses inside you? or are you truly a
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cold person..
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no
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i don't believe in that.
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i saw the importance. i saw what i could do to you. i saw myself making
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you complete.
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and if you tell me it was all for nothing.
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I WILL KNOW YOU LIE.
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even to yourself.
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I wouldn't have told you i loved you. you wouldn't have come for me if you
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didn't feel the depth.
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don't condemn me
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please
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don't
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make
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me
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feel
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like
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i can't do this alone.
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will i be relentless now that i can't have you?
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no word.
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nothing.
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silence fills the air.
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i look for you everywhere i go
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and i can't find you
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WHY WHY WHY
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no playing with fire. i warned you. you will get burned.
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and now its too late for to
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honest words
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the truth enslaved in emotions as we keep playing these mind fuck games
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sneering
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addicting
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consume me
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make me whole
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in this space
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i have gone to far to go back
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i keep reaching for you
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in my mind
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with my body
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that was heaven that was to me
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i keep believing
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silence of the night
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glaring lights around me
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intoxicated
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and i can't shake this
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not now..not yet..
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old passions stirring old feelings re-aquainting each other
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silence is so peaceful
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breakdown of minds
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i believe in you
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i have faith
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just don't let me go
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its not time yet...
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Simunye Design: New Innovations for a new world
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http://www.simunye.com
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Into the sea of waking dreams, I follow without pride
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Nothing stands between us here & I won't be denied
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-"Possession" Sarah McLachlan
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- Simunye
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= Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions =
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= Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) =
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= To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with =
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= "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back =
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= issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. =
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= AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK =
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= FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids =
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= FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK =
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= FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK =
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= WWW http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho =
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= http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html =
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= (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. =
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